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solarsleepless · 3 years

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what r max's stims? :)

SHSHJSHJSJSJSHJSH

okAY yes i have many thoughts abt adhd max i am vibrating rn

okay so first of all theres the average well known "flappy hands"

but she really likes it when she has sweaters with longer sleeves because then she can just flap them around

leg bounce leg bounce leg bounce

cracking her knuckles. she does this SO often its unreal

she doesnt have many vocal stims but she goes "ba ba ba" or just humming and singing sometimes

also running her hand on the bottom of her skateboard, and/or rolling the wheels

just being on her skateboard and swaying is a huge stim

chewing her shirt lmao

im also gonna say that she also stims by pressing on buttons and other stuff in the arcade. its just Nice To Do

also stims by kicking off of the ground on her skateboard. very nice

well this is gonna turn into adhd max rant get ready

she had adhd combined (like yours truly) and finds it hard to concentrate in class

she totally hyperfixated on video games at some point

and comics probably

and skateboarding too

she is a VERY picky eater. like she could barely eat stuff in california, so when she moves to hawkins it only gets worse

sensory issues my abhorreeed

can't stand too-loud noises (b!lly of course knows this and turns up music in his car so that he can't even hear himself)

that being said she cant STAND the silence and always needs background noise (she and el bond over liking white noise from tv)

SHE LOVES TANGLERS SO MUCH

goes nonverbal sometimes because of the fear that if she says anything itll just make things worse. the party + steve is very concerned at first, then learn to live with it

WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE

she has so many weighted blankets. she couldnt actually use them much because it was too hot in cali but then in hawkins she used them all the time

SPINNY CHAIR SPINNY CHAIR

undiagnosed

loves fluffy jumpers. she never really used or felt them earlier because of the hotness of california but when she was cold and lucas lent her his fluffy jumper...

well let's just say he didn't get it back

rubbing her hand over lucas's knuckles :)

i know i've already said singing stim but just imagine her singing 'material girl' or 'old time rock and roll'

echolalia! only sometimes tho

like erica will go "hey max me and lukie are gonna make a cake wanna help?" "cake?" "cake" "cake!" "cake!" "cake"

also the sinclair family is so accepting. they're confused but they just accept max and thats okay

once the party started looking up what adhd was, max brought it up once and immediately they all went 'that's only for little boys'

(which is bullshit obvs)

remember that sleepover scene where max is dancing? yeah that but its a stim

the party + the teens have a running joke of max being moth because she stares at lights so much. visual stim

she scratches as a(n unhealthy) stim but it gets worse after billy's death

hates it when people shout, usually goes nonverbal if it's directed at her

jumps when she's happy!!

you know how she just wears basic and unlayered clothes? yeah she chooses them on purpose because tight stuff feels Bad

she hates labels with her entire being

she seems like the kind of gal to bite her nails

also adopted dustin's "grrr" as a stim

"hey max- grrr" "...what was that?" "...grrr" "could you teach me how to do that" ".. o k a y ?"

will and max (i hc will as autistic) both have lil stimming sessions! they just notice the other stimming and join in, just leaving them laughing at the end!

lucas is super understanding of her stims

he learnt to recognize when she's understimulated and gives her fidget toys!! and if he doesnt have any then he'll just straight up grab her hand and start rubbing his fingers against the knuckles

i'd like to say:

*SLAPS ROOF OF MAX MAYFIELD* THIS BITCH CAN HOLD SO MUCH RSD

she wasnt doing so good in the first place

thinking stuff like

"maybe if i wasnt born then my parents wouldn't have divorced"

and stuff like that

(billy intentionally makes it worse because of course he does)

but then it gets so. much. worse.

you know mike said "because you're annoying" in s2?

YOU CAN BET THAT TRIGGERED HER RSD SO HARD

and also when el just walked past her in s2? yeah well

that didn't go off well with her rsd either

lucas has to reassure her that she's not a mistake, she's not annoying, he doesn't secretly hate her, etc etc

he doesnt think he'll ever forgive mike for triggering her rsd so badly

this has so many hurt/comfort possibilities in fic holy fuck-

lucas immediately shuts down her deprecating comments

like IMMEDIATELY

he wont stand for that shit

he is glaring so badly at anyone who triggers max's rsd

unless it's someone they love (like erica) who doesn't actually know what they did wrong and want to make up for it

once erica activated her rsd by accident

just with a lil lighthearted comment

"ugh i hope you arent as annoying as lukey's little friends on the walkie talkie"

once erica finds out abt what she did she feels SO bad. babey

she does everything she can to make up for it

apologizes properly when they're both brushing the barbie's hair

she finds out max stims by brushing barbie's hair when max has to look after once

so when she can see max is understimulated she'll just toss a barbie and a hairbrush her way

also likes max's echolalia (can you hear that? its the sound of max's euphoria boosting)

erica learns to lower her voice around max

max can't watch anything without subtitles btw

she just cannot

she'll watch it and cause she's smart she'll figure out what's going on

but often has to turn to lucas and go "whats going on???"

she loves the feeling of snow thru her gloves

maybe its the cold but still. very Nice

uhh i have more but i cant be bothered also this is too long already

#max mayfield #adhd headcanons #stimming #stranger things headcanons #max mayfield headcanons #lucas sinclair #erica sinclair #sinclair family my beloveds #max is bi and has adhd change my mind :)#max mayfield my beloved #itstiger720 #lumax the beloveds

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bebopwhore · 3 years

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Ballad of The Nightmare: Spike Spiegel x Reader

A/N: hello! This is my first fanfic I’ve ever written or posted and I am so scared! I’m a Spike whore which is why I made this blog. There aren’t enough Spike fanfics/imagines anywhere and it kills me! Shoutout to @ificouldhelpyouforget for having the best Spike writing! If there are any other great ones I’m probably missing please send them my way. Anyway I hope people read and like this, requests are very much welcome:) would love to hear some feedback. I have a part 2 coming if people actually enjoy this!

ps There’s an episode reference and I’m aware Faye wasnt actually in the scene I talk about but it’s just for spice✨

Summary: You’re a part of the bebop crew and after seeing Spike fall from the cathedral window while fighting Vicious, you have a nightmare about the whole ordeal ending way worse than it did and go check on his injured self.

Warnings: a bit of violence, non detailed but mention of wounds, angsty, fluffy, a little language

Vicious was running, running straight toward me with fire in his eyes. He was an animal and there was no stopping him, he was so close to grabbing my black coat trailing behind me. Arms suddenly shove me away from him and I tumble down to the ground. It was an armed green haired figure in his long brown coat. A quick scream came out of my mouth as soon as I realized what he was doing and my voice felt gone. “SPIKE NO” I managed to let out but it was too late, his gun was flung away from him. Vicious had him pinned to the ground ready to shred him to bits with his Katana. I was shooting and shooting from the ground but nothing could stop vicious. His whole body was bulletproof in that moment. In midst of his struggle Spike slowly turned his head to look at me, the katana was against his chest about to go against our wishes. “I love you” he mouthed and I had started sobbing uncontrollably screaming his name for the last time.

Feeling like she was being watched y/n’s body shot up, waking almost immediately as soon as the katana started to cut into the chest of her green haired angel. Burying her head into her hands and knees, her head continued to throb the headache from just a few hours earlier. Images of Spike’s bandaged body from his fall at the cathedral just the night before kept flashing in her mind.

She was very bitter at Faye for leaving him by himself and wouldn’t stop yelling at her once they got on the bebop with Spike and his broken bones. Every time Spike was seriously hurt he would try not to dump his whole weight on to y/n’s side but this round he did. He was nearly lifeless and it scared the shit out of her .

Shivering, she sighed a defeated puff out of her mouth. “stupid good for nothing bitch” she breathed out. She loved Faye like a sister but hated the choices that girl would make sometimes.

I sat up slowly and got out of bed. In just my night tank and shorts I threw on a light jacket and quietly stepped out of my room, closing my door slowly and being mindful of Spike resting on the big yellow couch just a few feet away. I really needed pain relievers but I also really needed to check on him. My heart ached no matter how many times ive seen him in this condition. I worried for him all the time and this nightmare didn’t help. Heading straight to the kitchen first, making sure I made zero noise I took a Tylenol and gulped it down with water and hurried to go be with my sleeping beauty

With the intention of feeding Spike if he woke up I had an orange and a water bottle in hand. I crept slowly out of the kitchen in the dark with nothing but Ed’s monitors being my only source of light. I turn the corner and there he was, bandaged like a mummy, multiple cuts on his cheek. He was snoring very lightly with his lips parted. He looked like an Angel who just fell from the sky. I frowned and sat on the coffee table barely a few inches across from him and stared. Stared into his closed eyes, begging for them to lift up. He was in a deep sleep. I took in the rest of his body and fought so hard not to touch it. I loved seeing his bare chest and collarbones any time I could, even if they were covered in gauze. At the end of his hour long workouts I always made sure I was in the living room so I could see his bare torso and pulsing veins when he headed toward the shower. Hopefully he hadn’t caught on to that. He’d always smile when he’d see me and give me the usual “take a picture itll last longer” comment. He was a flirt and so was I but we never really touched each other. Only when it came to saving the other’s ass.

I recall the time we were in Ganymede and there was a shootout in a restaurant involving this cult rat group of siblings. Jet, Faye, Spike and I were having dinner and spying on our next hit. Out of nowhere bullets started flying everywhere and the four of us booked it under the table. As soon as I got under, Spike pulled my arm into him very quickly and held me to his chest, wrapping his arms around my head to protect it. Soon his whole body consumed me. That was the first time I’ve ever felt so safe in my life. But why didn’t he hold Faye instead? Or at least the both of us? She’s a woman too? I kept thinking afterward. I didn’t ask him in fear of the moment being ruined but you can count on Faye to say what everyone’s thinking. Spike ignored her and Faye ignored the both of us the rest of that day.

I didn’t realize I was smirking til my attention was brought back to Spike’s injuries. Blood was seeping through the bandages of his left arm, I gently grazed his wrist and opened his arm up to rest on my thighs. Carefully grabbing the emergency kit left next to me I began to wrap it up some more as it wasn’t time yet to change the bandages completely. Being very gentle I studied his face for movement, but nothing. I loved tending to him, all I wanted to do was take care of him. I softly place his arm back where it was and a breath of relief washed over me for not waking him. He’d probably think I was a weirdo if he found me here right in front of him rustling my fingertips gently through his hair. Although he did like it when I would do that whenever he’d fall asleep in random places on the Bebop and I had to wake him up to go to bed. I giggled softly at the memories and missed his voice and soft demeanor towards me.

“I miss you” I whispered, my finger tips still playing with his dark curls

I noticed my legs trembling out of lack of sleep. I shamelessly really wanted a smoke. Hesitant to leave him and without even thinking I kissed his forehead and snuck into his room and stole one cigarette. His scent consumed me the second I stepped in and I wanted nothing more than to stay in there.

I walked out and promised myself as soon as morning came i’ll fly out to Mars and get him a few more packs. I never owned any which is the funny part, Spike would always just give me his when he’d know I needed one.

I walked into the dark control center and peered out into the universe and lit the cancerous thing. I turned away from the windows and lounged on top of Jet’s shogi table. Feeling my back giving out, I laid down grimacing at the slight soreness my back pleaded. Feeling an empty void in my chest I mentally begged for Spike’s precense there with me. My eyes started to water.My biggest fear was him ending up dead before I told him how I felt about him.

I sat up as the tears started streaming faster and dabbed them away with my sleeve and I proceeded to consume myself in nicotine once again. I looked to my right and peered at Spike’s punching bag. Wanting nothing more than to be sitting here watching him release his anger on it when he would do so.

A knock came from the doorway

Oh shit

#cowboy bebop #spike spiegel #anime #gif #fanfic #fan fiction #spike spiegel imagine #cowboy bebop fan fiction #fluff #angst #angsty

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snickiebear · 3 years

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Hi bby! 1, 2, 3, 6, 16, 27, 29, 33, 35! 🖤

mittens!!! loml!!

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

oh goodness... um, i’d say a 4?? yeah, that sounds about right, only because i often make so many tense mistakes and even when i edit there’s always something to fix. and just,,, im still learning a lot (aren’t we all). plus, sometimes the stuff i put out needs so much more work (see: my recent shisaku fic... i want to tear it up and put it back together.. ugh.. also wt&r, just everything)

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

OH GOODIE! i just... well, i wrote a lot when i was twelve-fourteenish, then kind of on and off through the years. never really had anything to ground me and get me to take writing seriously. and then i found naruto and sakura who has so much unused potential and it just made me so angry to see her treated that way.

point being, the naruto fandom (more specifically the sakura fandom) rooted me down and allowed me be able to grow as a writer even though i’ve only been posting since january my writing style has changed so much, and i can physically feel myself becoming a better writer.

plus, i just love it. the thrill of being able to use these characters and pairings and do what i want with them?? i drink it up, i love it!!! its so freeing and such a great way to really dig deep within writing itself.

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

i think its just the way i word things, you and a lot of others call it poetry but meh i just call it fancy words or word vomit from my brain AHAHHAHA

also, my thing is God Killers, God Eaters, and Angry Wrathful Women at this point, so maybe thats another thing?

but honestly,,, i have no clue... you’d have to ask my lovely readers, im so thankful for them 😭

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

plot probably. this changes often though. usually when i have an idea, the rest comes to mind and i jot it down and come back and change things and stuff, so thats usually pretty easy tbh... at least for now LMAO

and inner dialogue, inner struggles, showing the entire internal thing. its fun writing that angsty part of a story, the small insights into a character’s mind, how miserable and alone they feel. or, perhaps how happy they are, overjoyed and at peace.

OH AND WORLD BUILDING. i pride myself so much on my world building. i honestly think thats one of the better things im good at! just weaving small details into the text, and subtly building a world within your mind, oh i love it so much!!!!

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

mmmm nothing really comes to mind? men simping for women who could kick their ass? tho idk if thats really a guilty pleasure....am very fond of same age aus, sometimes mafia aus too... ummm,, yeah

(probably big dick tenzo tbh... and the fact that kakashi’s face is a legal weapon AHAHAHA,,, and broken, vunreble men. also, shattered, all consuming women.)

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

oh god... i cannot chose! you, ele, al, and hika leave the kindest comments, and literally any comment on the things i write just make me so so so so so HAPPY. i just them more than kudos tbh.

but! one comment on the intimacy of being understood i always come back to. it was left by GuardianMars and they wrote that the fic was like a “love letter to the pairing.” and that well. i think about that comment all the time.

there have been so many others comments that have utterly touched my heart and that i will go to read on terrible, horrible days and i value ALL comments. especially those who say “i’m rereading this again” or “i’ll read anything you put out” that just. there is something so intimate about that, that utter faith and loyalty that i do not know what to do with.

its so touching and makes me truly believe in the good of the world.

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

yes! i am attempting to get better at writing smut because ol&w is going to have some fucking in it so i experimented in that shisaku fic and just..... yeah idk man. idk... its something i do want to get better at cause, meh why not? and i want to write some good porn for my readers damnit! HAHAHA

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

hmmm,,, probably that i stress so much and yet so little at the same time? allow me to elaborate! i stress so much about whether my writing is actually good or if people are just being nice LMAO and also posting, i get cold sweats and a thumping heart and yiKES

but also, i enjoy writing so its like “fuck you (jk ily guys) imma write what i wanna!”...do you see my issue? HAHAHA

also, im a planner. most of the time, and a lot of the details in my more serious fics (ol&w) are blink and miss details but they’re important and i LOVE foreshadowing!!!! like yes, i will vaguely mention something and itll simply come back with a vengeance!

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

aaaaaa okokok thank you for this ask LMAO i just love talking about writing and rambling (as i often do,, im a long winded person, im very sorry)!

but anyways! my summer semester just started up and i’m taking three purely online classes and the college im attending (im a dual enrollment student; meaning a high school and college kid,, taking advantage of the system!) fucked up my schedule so! im taking two TWELVE WEEK CLASSES that will end in AUGUST???? and then my fall sem starts five days later so... no summer break for nadia! yay...

writing will be very slow and updates will be too, which i am so sad and frustrated about because i’ve finally hit a paved road and now we’re driving into the forest! all bumps and bruises damnit! BUT worry not! i (as i said above, am i severe planner. every day has a plan, i am also an avid lover of lists also. i have lists for EVERYTHING) am working out a schedule so that i can get all my school shit done as soon as i can (while not failing) and write while hopefully not burning myself out.

ol&w is such an intricate fic and im truly trying to give it the justice it deserves,,, im just hoping that my dear readers can bear with me HAHAHAHA there is honestly so much going on in that fic; shikamaru’s development, the underlying plot, the hate to love build up, the world building, and then laying down the foundations for the next fic (because yes, this is supposed to be a trilogy.. question is; will i be able to write it?) (answer: maybe. hopefully. i desperately want to but it might take some time.)

BUT ASLO i have so many oneshots i want to write! kisame week! kakashi week! kibasaku long fic! and not to mention my og work that i plan on rewriting and putting up on ao3 because a few people showed some interest. there is just so much to do and write and i am itching to do it all! but. well, but school, and the exhaustion of insomnia, and the weight of stress, sigh.

shit sucks, it is what it is. but writing is like my safe haven and i just love pouring all myself into my fics and then baring my soul to you all and you take a peek and decide to keep looking. that is my favorite part of this little pocket of tumblr.

this was not really... fic related? more like a dump of issues! so sorry about that AHAHAHAH

anyways! thank you so much mittens! :)))))))))

pick my brain!

#silly things from silly friends

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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I literally just weighed myself and decided im not eating the rest of today and i started getting heart palpitations 😏 idk i did say i should eat more so i dont get really weak. And i am starting to look tired around my eyes, which could be from restricting or it could be thyroid related. But i dont feel like i can handle more food today. After seeing my face in photos especially. I pretty much looked as good as i can today but i still felt like my fat just ruins it.

I was 156.4 just now which means my morning weight will probably be about the same tomorrow as it was today. If i want to be 154 by the day after tomorrow, i think i need to do more physically tomorrow. I didnt get much actually done today because i was kinda just being tired and then went to my friends place, so ill have to catch up tomorrow. I always fall behind so thats expected. Ill just do as much as i can. But it does mean ill have less time for a workout or anything. Idk ill just have to do what i can. But i really want to hit 154 by Thursday.

It was nice to go see my friend. Im starting to feel a little more like i can go see people. Which is good because im due to see bf this weekend for the first time in months. Another reason id like to hit a weight goal. I know a pound or two wont make any difference really, but itll help me feel like im getting somewhere. Maybe i wont feel so insecure. My friends complimented me a lot today which was nice. Hb didnt say much at all but i already know he thoroughly takes me for granted either way. I put a proper selfie on ig for the first time in ages and bf and another friend said nice things. I just run off that acknowledgement. But it feels like i only ever get acknowledged when i can make myself look good in a photo. I want to be told im pretty. But maybe i wouldnt be so obsessed with being pretty if i felt like i could be loved regardless.

Its 9:30pm and im pretty sleepy. Im probably going to fall asleep soon. So its definitely too late to eat either way. I want to say ill have to decide tomorrow what im doing with food...but i guess itll be the same again. Ill decide to eat more and hit like 800 or 900kcal, and then get too nervous to go beyond half that because i really need to fix my body. I dont know. Im getting that mood again. Where i just need a hug. Proper reassurance. I hate that. I literally just left my friends place within the past couple of hours but my mind just forgets. They say with BPD we lack emotional object permanence, meaning as soon as a person isnt actively showing affection we cant feel it the same way other people can, and thats why we end up getting insecure and feeling abandoned. It makes sense. I always feel like someone could have said nice things to me recently but changed their mind since then for some reason. Realised im not that great. Just got bored of me. Idk. I hate it. I dont have enough confidence in myself to ride it out smoothly. Its always so difficult. I need it to change.

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well... perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

#JudeJournals #judejournals

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sodrippy · 4 years

Note

How do you find the motivation and will to go to the gym and work out with depression? I'm finding it hard to just get out of bed....

oh babe thats a big question, and im so sorry youre dealing with this in such a rough state. right off the bat, the major reasons i can go to the gym regularly is i have a job that means i have to wake up on time 5 days a week no matter what, and i genuinely love my gym. in saying that ive gone months where i just stop going and cannot find the mental energy to do anything but the bare minimum of function, and i think the most important thing is not to beat yourself up about it.

on the second point, trying to recenter Why you want to workout and figure out the best way to get there can help a lot too, for me it got MUCH easier when i shifted my focus from "i should lose weight" to "i want to get strong" bc it finally felt like i was working out sincerely for myself, and i didnt have the added angles of pressure and self-loathing from trying to fit myself into some kind of fitness box. youre already struggling with depression, theres no reason to compound it further by making working out a stressful and negative thing right. maybe you want to be able to do chin ups, maybe you want to run a mile, maybe you want a reason to get out of the house, whatever it is you need to take some time and talk to yourself and see what motivation works to give you the push to get up, bc thats the only way itll stick.

i know it can sound kind of stupid to think this deeply about working out but motivation is a really hard thing, and this can be a good jumping off point for tackling bigger issues later. also, working out WILL make you feel better and have an impact on your mental health i promise. i always feel clearer on days i exercise and the mental boost is something i hold onto to push me to go the next day and so on. for me its also a phenomenal anchor when im really going through it, if i can push the rest of it away and work out ill feel better for that part of the day if nothing else.

personally i find a gym is a much better way to keep myself accountable than working out at home bc i can easily say "no" 5 mins into an at home exercise, but once im at the gym im There and i Have to follow through. my gym is a circuit style, so i can just go there and do whatever exercise theyve got set up, so i dont have to think at all, which is also why its easy, bc i can have a blank brain the whole time.

but hey you say you cant get out of bed some days, so gyms and schedules are a ways down the road and thats normal. in my experience routine is imperative. but youre not gonna just wake up and be consistent, bc thats stupid and not realistic and thats also normal. you can just do it once and thats still okay. if you workout one day and then not again for another month or three thats okay. youre not starting from scratch every time even if it feels like it. it took me literal years to begin working out regularly and honestly sometimes it takes that long, and sometimes you cant help it, but i think the key truly is just getting back on that horse even if it takes you months or years to get back up.

dont push yourself when youre starting bc it WILL make you hate it and youll want to quit. just do what you can honestly. walk down your driveway or your block and when you feel "god this sucks" turn around and go back home, literally just do a bunch of stretches in your room if youre not up for anything more bc as boring as they are they will 100% make you feel just a little better.

christ its 3am and i hope this has made sense and been helpful. its a process and its ongoing and the best way is to let yourself reset every 24 hours and take it on anew in the morning.

the two things unfortunately go hand in hand, and the hardest thing is to try and build new routines and safety nets while youre at the bottom, but you absolutely can. motivation and willpower are difficult elusive things bc legitimately the only person who can find them for you is YOU. its hard as shit but babe, at some point, you just have to get out of bed, even if you cant. theres just no way around it. i really really hope you can take the time to think and chat to yourself and find the thing that sounds good to you and use it to pull yourself up, and if you want to figure it out together im here!! 💕💕

#ask #anonymous #its always hard when its a question where it should be a conversation #but for real its VERY difficult and im really sorry but if u wanna talk more about it im here!!

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pbandjesse · 4 years

Text

Today was a really excellent day. I dont even know why but I had a good day. Like there were tough parts, parts where I was super tired. Which continues to be frustrating. But it was a good day.

I slept okay last night though. The weighted blanket it helping. It is still hard to fall asleep but staying asleep is a lot easier. James came and woke me up at 930 which was fine. I want to be awake earlier but I am glad it isnt later.

I laid around for a bit. Willing myself to get up. But it was hard. I didnt know what I wanted to do today. And it was hard to like motivate to start. But I did. And I got a shower. And I dont know what flipped but I felt super good.

I felt really cute and good. My outfit was excellent. My hair and eyeliner was great. I dont know why my self esteem was so high but that was nice?? I had a bagel and played animal crossing for a bit. I saw someone make a corn maze on this island and I was like. I want that. So I worked on creating that. I knew Jess was going to come visit our island later in the day so I really wanted to kind of show off. And having our fall festival area finished felt good.

James wanted to ride his stationary bike. Because girls go for men like their father's I guess???? And I am working on not feeling weird existing in our apartment when James is home and it went okay. I cleaned and organized around him. He was sweating all over the place so I told him he would be cleaning the floor. And in general it worked okay but then he asked me if I was okay and it like. Made me mad. Like I can walk around in our apartment without a smile and be okay!! So I will probably talk to him about that but I tried my best to keep working.

I got all of the products I am going to be selling with Jess. And texted with her. We would get on a video call around 2. So I had time. I hung out with James for a little. I listened to him cook in the other room. I enjoyed sitting with SweetP. And then Jess told me she was back from the store so I set up on the laptop and we talked for over 2 hours.

It was great. I showed her all the clothes I had and the other products. We talked about prices. We discussed logos and packaging. I am really excited. James is going to set up our printer tomorrow. Hopefully we can make it work just super easy. But it might be missing a cord. Well see. But I feel really good about our timeline and getting things started next month.

After we finished talking about shop stuff we did island visits. It was really fun to see her island and see the changes. And it was really great showing off what Ive made and worked so hard on. Around 4 though we both needed to go be productive in other ways. So we got off the call and I was hit with a wave of productivity!

I photographed almost all the clothes I had shown her. I found a few pieces I want to wash first and one that I want to bead on. But I did all the photos and uploaded them to a drive. Then I made an inventory list and did research for each known brand and I just felt really good.

I decided I wanted to go out. I ran out of night cream for my face so I wanted to go find some. I drove a while out into the county for no reason except I wanted the drive. And I had a good podcast.

I went to marshalls and found a peppermint soap so strong I could smell it through my mask on the shelf. And I got a serum for my face. Not exactly what I wanted but itll work for now.

I wandered around for a bit but I didnt get anything else. The cashier lady was really nice and we had some laughs. And then I decided I would go get a salad since I wasnt far from the salad works. I got a half salad and soup. I had some of the soup in the car with the roll it came with. And then I headed home.

The sun was still up by the time I got home but all the side street parking was gone. So I had to park on the main street which I always hate. But whatever.

I got inside and had my salad and put the dishes away from the dishwasher. And then I got to work in the studio.

I did a little bit of quilting. A little planning for sewing tomorrow. I worked until my podcast was done and then I cleaned up. I feel like I did a good job today.

I went and took a long bath. I didnt wash my hair. I will probably do that tomorrow. But it was really nice. I feel good.

Now I am in bed waiting for James to come home. Texting with Jess. Feeling tired but in a good way. I just hope tomorrow feels as nice as today did.

Sleep well everyone. Be safe out there.

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relatewithrelations · 5 years

Text

A Letter to My Younger Self

Dear 16 year old Eliza,

I wish you could read this letter. I wish that you knew the pain I’m feeling for you because I know that it’s there deep inside. I know you struggle with a lot of things inside, that no one ever sees. I know that your heart is being ripped apart by people who are supposed to love you and protect you. I also know you feel guilty that this pain hurts so bad when your life is so “perfect”. With your perfect family, perfect friends, perfect grades, perfect goals, everything is just so fucking perfect.

I’m not here to tell you everything is going to get better soon, because it’s not. It’s hard to believe but you’re far from rock bottom. Everything that is crumbling right now ends up collapsing. Your rock, that is so intertwined in your heart that it feels you feel what they feel, they leave. Your sibling, who you have grown to love, they leave. That burning fire in your stomach to be the very best at everything even if it kills you, well it kills you. And that fleeting dream that you’ll prove everyone wrong even though you might get broken in the process, well it breaks you. Notre dame? you dont get in. Love? ha. Every single thing you think could not get worse right now, does. Every single thing you think could not go wrong, does. Like I said, you are far from rock bottom.

The thing is, my sweet young Eliza, you hit rock bottom fucking hard but you live. You survive. You get ripped to shreds again and again… and again. But after awhile, you stop taking pain and turning it to something destructive. Instead, you choose to turn it into something constructive. You stop hating the world and everything it has done to you, and you start seeing all it has done for you. I’m not going to pretend like life turns into sunshine and daisies because it doesn’t. I know you’ve read 300 of these “letters to my younger self” and always scoff at their happy-go-lucky outlook. It’s unrealistic and almost more sad. Your cynical and sarcastic outlook to life doesn’t change, which is good because it helps protect you. Your very strong walls protect the fragile girl inside. That is ok. You’ll be ok.

My advice for you is to listen to the advice given to you. Allow people in, even when it’s terrifying. Do this no matter how much it ends up hurting. The scars of your past become beautiful tattoos of your future. You are a single person in a large universe and do not need to hold the weight of it on your shoulders. Remember to breathe sometimes. Remember to sleep sometimes. The fear of missing out is a far better feeling than pure exhaustion. You hold the torch to your life, don’t burn the midnight oil on people that don’t matter. There are people in this world that will never give you what you give them, take that with a grain of salt. It’s ok to let people into your house of a soul and provide shelter from a storm, but don’t be afraid to kick them out when the sun is out again. Stop begrudging your family and friends for past events. Choosing to judge yourself for extensive periods of times is a choice you make, it doesn’t give you the right to judge others. Forgive them. Be better than them. Remember they are human.

My advice for you is don’t be afraid to fall in love with all the wrong people. You’re going to get hurt. Like really,really,really bad. Like so bad, you’re going to cry yourself to sleep for many more months than you were with them. For a long time you will think love isn’t real and that it’s not possible. Don’t listen to that voice. Love isn’t who’s sleeping in your bed, it’s the people around you. You’re going to love a lot of people, and you're going to love a lot of the wrong people. Even writing this now I want to write RUN DONT TRUST THE SYSTEM but I know that’s not true. I know that me letting in people and getting hurt every once in awhile is part of me growing up and you need to learn that too. Not everyone is going to leave. Not everyone is going to hurt you. Let your walls be gates, they can keep some people out but also let them in.

My advice for you is don’t be afraid to “break the plan”. To be honest, you have no idea what your plan is yet. You think you do, but you don’t. The plan now is to be free. Learn to do the things you love, and learn to love the things you hate. Stop being so picky about avocados, you actually like them. Stop being so afraid to make the leap, you end up loving it. Be honest with yourself, be honest with your parents, and be honest with your friends. They aren’t part of the plan, but they’re part of you. Your plan sucks, and is sad, and is boring. You’re not boring Eliza. You’re the opposite. Your life is full of wild twists and turns so enjoy the ride. Break the plan, and be free.

I wish I could write everything that’s going to happen to you. The good, bad, and ugly. But I cant, you need to learn these things on your own. You need to know that when you’re going through hell, keep going. You have not reached your destination yet, it’s a pitstop or pothole of the journey. Your story is not written, even I don’t know where we’re going yet. Stay motivated, and stay open. You’ll figure it out soon.

Love,

22 year old Eliza

PS Pay attention in your language classes more, it’ll become important ;)

#blog #weekly thoughts #letter to self #letter #love #life #growth #hell #survive

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themeed · 3 years

Text

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

0 notes

ruslanalekseev · 3 years

Text

Was Hiruzen a Good Hokage?

No. As many people have already pointed out, Hiruzen was very indecisive, and he always did what his advisors told him to. Which wouldnt be that bad, if not the fact that almost every single one of their decisions were suggested to them by Danzo.

Hiruzen might have had good intentions, but good intentions wont do you much good, if:You orchestrate the massacre of one of the founding clans in your village. You dont react to bullying towards the villages probably most valuable shinobi.You cant even bring yourself to killing one of the greatest criminals from your village

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What if a gay person was elected as the POTUS?

We have already had a gay President. James Buchanan Jr. was the 15th President (18571861) He was a member of the Democratic Party.

The only president to remain a bachelor, Buchanan's personal life has attracted great historical interest. Buchanan had a close and intimate relationship with William Rufus King, an Alabama politician. Buchanan and King lived together in a Washington boardinghouse for many years, from 1834 until King's departure for France in 1844.

King referred to the relationship as a "communion", and the two attended social functions together. Contemporaries also noted the closeness. Andrew Jackson called King "Miss Nancy" and prominent Democrat Aaron V.

Brown referred to King as Buchanan's "better half", "wife" and "Aunt Fancy"

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How did Canada manage to control COVID 19 so well despite its shared border with the US?

When doctors and scientists here in Canada told us that the COVID-19 virus would not only kill some people, but others who contracted the disease might suffer permanent damage to organs and body systems, we listened and became afraid. Then, when it was shown some young children also suffered devastating organ failures, we knew we must all do what we can to protect ourselves and others.

We didnt each need to personally know someone who has been so affected, we just imagined how our own actions could cause this result. For some reason, Americans do not seem to feel that same empathy for their fellow citizens. Tragic and sad

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What is the significance of WhatsApp for Facebook?

Why did Facebook acquire WhatsApp at such a hefty price of $19 billion?

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It is not a big information for you. But for facebook it is a priceless piece of information. Since it they know now that you ar going to the movie they will project all the ads that is pertaining to movie going.

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Also facebook knows everything about you except your messages to your intimate people. Now that they bought whatsapp they literally know everything about you to sell you out when the time comes.

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Will Joe Biden be worse than Trump?

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as far as I'm concerned, They all good person through conversation and cooperation. But, I can't say Fujianese all good people since I had met all good Fujianese. In working with people, The significant thing We need to do is giving our sincere heart to them.

Similarly, you will be rewarded for your sowing.

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How old should a kid be before seeing Deadpool?

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How can we stop people from throwing garbage in the empty plots?

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Could we derive energy from gravity in space?

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How will the GOP change if Trump loses to Biden?

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Why was the Roman Empire so successful?

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Who is the most under appreciated American president?

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Why did you leave Hinduism for Islam?

People group or regroup into religion for rudimentary security reasons, not due to any love for a religion.

Any person who understands the first alphabet of any religion will know the purpose of religion is to help and serve the society he or she lives selflessly, particularly those who donu2019t follow his/her beliefs and faith has to be served, loved and cared.If someone thinks that his/her religious group is better than the other, it discredit the fundamental first alphabet of the religion. Islam, Hinduism or any religion in the world, if it is practiced by grouping and subgrouping its practioners, it is deplorably divisive for the society and in general human welfare

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In WW2 during the Battle of France, why did it take so long for France to surrender?

Why didn't France surrender earlier?

France waited so that the English could be evacuated from Dunkirk. They held the German back while the small boats could get in and get the boys home.

Then they had a resistance to organise not easy when you have a whole lot of tanks running over your toes. Finally, the Italians decided to pop in for a late entry in the game of conquest so they had them to send packing. Then they surrendered.

That is to say the French Government surrendered, the French people on the other hand fought on.If you have ever seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you see just how ferocious the French can be in their taunting of opponents.

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summerinsacramento-blog1 · 6 years

Text

Seeing the forest when you’re stuck in the trees

One week later, I feel rationally better. My heart hasn’t caught on, but I don’t feel the deep sting I felt before. Now, it’s a numb little tingling that I can ignore. Every day, it’ll sting less and less, but its probably gonna be a point of sadness I hold for years when I remember what 22 felt like. And that’s fine. I have years to heal and move on. I turn 23 in 27 days. That can be the night I officially start a new chapter. One without my last love, but a year where hopefully I feel self-love that I never felt before.

With that said, I am writing this while listening to The Weeknd’s new album about how hes heartbroken for the umpteenth time, so we’ll see how this goes. My friend said I should actually listen to this now, as its what I need. Ricky if youre reading this and I hate myself after this, it’s on you.

This is the story of a young boy who is processing heartbreak in a new city, new career, and a new frame of mind. This is the story of what I have learned in the last week, when my life was pulled out from under me in what I believe will be the best possible way. It sucks now, but I’ve learned something, tangentially related to the relationship.

The title

In order to understand this, I want to start by letting you see who I am. I graduated from college in 2017. It hasn’t even been a year since I stopped living my life in terms of “you have 3 months to prove yourself, go.” Until today, I never realized just how much that had affected the way of life I was living.

My mentor today totally slapped the shit out of me with this one: “Stop thinking in the now. Do what will make you happy 10 years from now. Everything is else is just experience. Not everything has to work.”

That man met me 4 hours ago as I type this, and he’s managed to being me back from a stage of confusion to clarity.

He then hit me with this one: youre not playing with the same rules anymore as when you were in college. You’ve been living on 3 month blocks of time. You need to learn to work towards a deep future, which you do not have the vision for now.

It hit me immediately that he’s right. For the 5 years since I left home, I have essentially lived my life in such a microscopic scale that I never learned how to see past the tree I was currently on. I lived life climbing a tree, seeing what was coming, and walking to that… but that means that I followed a track. I went from class to class, job to job, woman to woman, hoping to get what I wanted, but the thing is

You can only see trees that are in your field of vision that way, and this is incredibly slow.

Also,

this assumes you want to stay in the forest.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, because I need to learn how to think that way and get off the trees and start walking. I need to go to town and make friends that will last years here. I know I have the same feelings in Phoenix (more on that down the road), but I can’t leave myself with no options in Sacramento. I don’t even mean romantically here. What if I still don’t know what I want? What if I make a Friend in Sacramento with a haircut business and he trains me to be his recruiter? What if I meet a young couple in Sacramento, and they pass me all of their furniture because they’re leaving the city to start a new life? What if I meet a kid in Sacramento who needs a mentor and I commit to making his life better? What if I meet a woman in Roseville who runs a night club and she wants to pay me to be a stripper? What if I what if I what if I what if I get out of the house and find out.

Both he and my trainer have pointed out to me that I cannot rely on my job to bring me happiness, I have to make it on my own, and I have every intention to. I will be leaving my apartment in 3 weeks and moving to the city. Density is the greatest asset of a city; the only finite resource you have is time. So Im starting a journey of self discovery. I’m joining the sister chapter to the club I loved the most while at Arizona State. I joined a volleyball league. I’m going to every work social from here out for young people – I refuse to wallow in the sadness anymore. I already told the girl I loved all the good and the bad. Everything from here on out is overkill. I won’t be sad, as itll sully the memories of the times we weren’t. Don’t be fooled, I am hurt, but I am taking it as a good hurt instead of sinking to the dark place I was in 2016.

Speaking of 2016: The Dark Descent of Drunk Depressed Jairo

(For the sake of the other people in this story, I am changing names. If you are my friend and know, cool, but I don’t want to breach their privacy as I share mine)

This story actually starts in 2015, and I sat on it for a long time. It was during an event I ran. Three powerful figures that still mar my self-conscious were there. Girl 1 was texting me throughout the day. Girl 2 and 3 were there. I don’t want to drop too many details, but I remember thinking “Girl 3 is super nice, but I shouldn’t hit on her because she won’t appreciate it.” I had been trying to get at Girl 2 for weeks. Girl 1 was dumb as all hell for being interested in me and getting me first down the line.

I dated Girl 1 for a year. The second half of that year was the most miserable point of my existence. I remember I asked my friends if I should leave at month 5. They said I needed to give her time, and I suffered for 6 more. All this time, I kept having constant desires to leave her for Girl 2 (I NEVER acted on these. It was more of a “why does this girl treat me better than the one who claims to love me?), and she was jealous of Girl 2. I can’t blame her. My 21st bday was during that time, and after ending things I started being a degenerate in plain view of everyone. I am not proud.

But it was okay, I was on a high tree and I knew the kind of tree that I would climb. Drunk me wanted to climb, and there are entire weeks of my life where I drank every day.

Give it like 2 months, and I was starting to talk to this girl, I’ll call her girl 4. I thought that was the tree I would climb next – and boy did I try. We even agreed to go on a date. It never happened though, because in the days in between, I definitely linked up with Girl 2, sort of fast. Just as fast things ended.

Anyway I managed to fall from two trees in like 3 weeks, and I was going nuts for 6 months after. This is where the spiral took off. My grades took damage and I lost interest in most things, and I was so hurt that my search for my future was taking so long, and I kept getting hurt while trying. Why was this forest so thorny? I gained like 20 pounds in liquor weight, which I barely got rid of recently.

That is, until I linked up with Girl 3 once again in 2017 and this time by accident. We were together for what are the happiest days of my life so far. There will be better days, but I haven’t seen them yet. At least not so concentrated. Whatever it was though, I loved her for who she was for a year, and I want to believe she genuinely loved me back. It did hurt, however, that I always told her the above story, and I would say that I finally picked the right girl. I was on the right tree.

As of last week we know that isn’t true. She cut off the tree under me, but she did it at the right time. And actually, it was on the 3rd anniversary of the day those three girls flowed together into my life.

I was sad because I was on the ground. Tired of climbing and thinking I finally climbed the tallest tree in the forest and found the best spot, only to tumble.

But there was another force at play that I never saw coming. Her name is Girl 0. There is no romance there, we are just good friends, or rather, were. Eight years ago – she was my best friend in 8th grade before we drifted apart. She came back into my life to make sure I was okay, and in the past 6 days we’ve rapidly realized that were good friends still. That gave me so much perspective. Time moves on for everyone, but my best friend from middle school and I collabed for another album ten years later, and with no resentment. She’s coming to my 23rd birthday and that’s exciting!

I also realized that I no longer have resentment for G1 ort G2 since almost 2 years have passed, and I won’t resent G3 at some point. Well, I don’t resent her the same, but one day I’ll either stop missing her, or will feel differently than now – I can freely admit she was the most special girl of my life, and she’ll be a tough act to follow. I kind of wish me moving 800 miles didn’t drive us apart, but I’m also glad it did because now I have to force myself to walk along this forest, no matter how scared I am. I will grow from this. G4 is engaged now, to the boy that she would link up with after me. I’m happy for her, genuinely.

Regardless, that was the lesson I needed. I need to step down from the trees. Its time I start walking and stop looking for anything in particular short term. I can’t go through this forest one tree at a time. I need to pick a direction and walk it. That’s scary because I don’t know the future, but it was scary before, and I made little progress. Maybe this scary time is what I need. Maybe I need to just keep going and remember that the first 18 years didn’t count, the next 4 were a trial period, and the most recent 1 was me playing with the rules that no longer worked. I got X amount of years left, and I gotta make them count.

On a similar note, I would like to thank every single person who came out in support of me. You guys are the best, and your friendships, some way old and some way young, have helped me remember that I am loved, and that I am never truly alone.

On another note: The Weeknd’s album was okay and did not make me feel sad. The man almost gave Selena Gomez a kidney though, so maybe he was in deeper love than I was.

On another nother note: If you take the height of the 8 girls I consider exes and plot it, it makes a sine wave with an average around 5’4”. If the pattern holds, the next girl I date has to be taller than me. We’ll see, but maybe I’ll start climbing again, just differently now.

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fahrminbrahmin · 7 years

Text

ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have?

tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?

 2. when did you develop your eating disorder?

this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years

 3. are you currently in recovery?

im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no

 4. honestly, do you want to recover?

again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point

 5. how are you doing today?

unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc

 6. 5 safe foods?

lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.

 7. 5 fear foods?

tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein

 8. do you count calories?

yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao

 9. what is your max calorie limit?

i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol

 10. what is your height?

5′3″ / 161cm

 11. what is your ultimate goal weight?

it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho

 12. are you trying to lose weight?

absolutely yes

 13. have you ever been called “fat”?

honestly i cant even remember if i have or not

 14. have you ever been called “too thin”?

ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh

 15. what is your current goal weight?

48.7kgs

 16. what was your highest weight?

when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs

 17. what was your lowest weight?

49.1kgs

 18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?

im there rn

 19. does your family know about your eating disorder?

yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows

 20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?

yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told

 21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?

yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect

 22. have any “free foods”?

lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea

 23. how often do you weigh yourself?

every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol

 24. thinspo or bonespo?

neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal

 25. biggest problem area on your body?

my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 26. favourite part of your body?

tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo

 27. what kind of results do you want to see?

booooooones!!

 28. do you purge?

:/ yeah

 29. do you take laxatives?

yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose

 30. how often do you purge?

it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.

 31. do you binge?

by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge

 32. how long have you fasted for?

im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours

 33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?

hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.

 34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?

none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book

 35. favourite thinspo picture?

again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it

 36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here

 37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?

Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it

 38. what is your BMI?

currently, 19.1  39. do you follow a diet?

yeah, as little calories as possible lmao

 40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?

most if not all of it? its all i think about

 41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?

yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA

 42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?

c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool

 43. meanspo or sweetspo?

not about the whole concept tbqh

 44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?

the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin

 45. ever been inpatient?  / 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?

nah but ive been threatened with it

 49. are you currently in therapy?

yeah, individual therapy and DBT

 50. what did you eat today?

a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao

 51. are you scared about the holidays?

yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/

 52. are your family/friends supportive?

kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself

 53. have any other mental illnesses?

’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?

 54. looking for ana buddies?

nopenopenope ill never encourage this

 55. what is your current weight?

as of this morning: 49.1kgs

#personal #eating disorder #eating disorder questions #ed tw #ana #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#t.txt

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lukeysgirl · 7 years

Text

Relentless | Calum Hood Series Pt.14

Part F O U R T E E N

Request: Being the cousin of Ashton Irwin was exciting, especially when invited to their tour to hang out with his best friends. You found yourself becoming fond of Calum Hood, who finds you annoying from your constant appearance. But what would happen if you stopped giving him that attention?

Word Count: 3k+

A/N: this part is a lil spicy, so im sry if it kills ya heart ! but i swear itll get better, i promise it will ! im so happy you all enjoy it so much, it makes me smile so much! 100 notes please, loves xx

Parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. [DONE]

I M A G I N E

Tokyo, 8:00 A.M.

The boys remained silent once you asked about Nia. Michael became more pale than he already is as all the boys were quick to lose their appetites. That made your heart beat go faster. You couldn’t help but feel super nervous over their reactions.

“W-well?” You asked desperately, looking over to your cousin in hopes that he’ll say something. But even Ashton couldn’t meet your eyes. “Guys, please don’t do this...”

“Nia is part of the band also signed with Capitol,” Luke chimed. You looked over at the blonde boy, studying his indirect gaze at you as you listened attentively.

“You mean from Hey Violet, right?” You furthered your interrogation.

“Mhm,” Luke hummed with a nod. “She’s the drummer, but does vocals as well.”

“But what’s her...” You began but trailed off, seeing Luke’s understanding of what you were asking.

“She got close to him for the last year now,” Luke admitted. “She’s got this huge crush on Calum, but I think he found her annoying as well. But not because he likes her or anythin.’ Like actually annoying.”

You giggled at this, but it still didn’t put you at ease. It was a little too much to be so overprotective when you just got with Calum, but you two have history. You and him have been in love with each other without the other knowing it. It felt like a challenge now knowing that you were to meet her soon.

“Did he... did they ever... you know...” You broke your words, pure discomfort in allowing them to escape your lips. “Do anything?”

Before Luke can continue, Michael patted his head gently.

“Ask Calum yourself, okay?” Michael spoke to you softly. You look up at him, seeing the usually hyperactive spirit become so mature at serious times. It always amazed you how big he grew. “It would be more appropriate to hear it from him than anyone else about it.”

“Okay then.” You still felt a little incomplete by everything. You didn’t want to feel so insecure as Calum was already yours and head over heels for you. Furthering that he didn’t even like Nia in return. But nonetheless, you can’t help but feel like something bad will happen once you get to America to meet the band.

“...In other news, One OK Rock is coming with us to America!” Ashton pipes, changing the subject to something more exciting. You smiled at that, genuinely excited to get to know the band more.

“We’re gonna have the best fucking time, mate!” Michael continued. “I was hoping that we could surprise the fans a bit by playing Take What You Want at one of our concerts soon since they’re our opening act.”

“I think that would make the fans go crazy,” you agreed with Michael’s idea wholeheartedly. While Michael was hype over your response, you watched as the suite door opened to allow a seemingly-distressed Calum back in.

“The management wants us to do a pop-up show in Nagoya,” Calum informed the boys. “So we’re leaving right now to make it over to Century Hall in time for soundcheck and what not. We have to tweet about it.”

“Okay.” The 3 boys filed out of the suite immediately, leaving you alone with Calum. You stood up, dusted your bottom off of potential dust, and began to clean up after the boys. Picking up the plates and cups, you begin to head to the kitchen until Calum halted you.

“Let me help you.” You watch as Calum lifts the weight of the ceramic plates from your arms and places them in the sink. He runs the water over them to remove residue and shuts it off, grabbing a paper towel to dry his hands. You watch as he returned in front of you and opens his arms in front of you. “Can I have a hug?”

“Oh-- of course!” You quickly replied, rushing into your boyfriends arms as he wrapped his arms around you. You felt warm, sinking into the kind embrace of your lovely boyfriend. You realize that acting so paranoid won’t help your relationship progress at all. So instead, you’ve just chosen to ignore it and bring it up if it ever is brought up. You want to enjoy the time you have with Calum before returning back to your studies.

“Are you sure you’re okay, love?” Calum mumbles against the top of your head, giving you a gentle kiss on your delicate head. One of his hands began weaving into your soft locks, giving you such a euphoric feeling of his touch. “I’m annoyed that you’re acting in a mood.”

“I told you this morning that I was tired, baby,” you said softly, the side of your face leaning against his chest cozily. You suddenly felt his heart beat go a bit rapid than before, having you wondering what had happened.

“You know, Y/N,” Calum began as he spoke against your head. “That’s the first time you’ve ever used ‘baby’ to address me.”

“Has it?” You asked, slightly shocked and embarrassed at this. “Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I have called you baby or babe before!”

“Probably, but you don’t use it that often!” Calum exclaims, pulling you off a bit to laugh at you. You blushed, giggling a bit yourself as you attempted to cover your face. “Baby, you’re so beautiful, don’t cover it up from me.”

“Nooo, I’m so embarrassed!” You squeal. “I’m still not used to dating you because it’s so weird and I never thought it would ever happen but it did so I’m still in a bit of shock and disbelief and I’m rambling now, aren’t I?”

“I’m glad I still make you nervous,” Calum said fondly. “It means that even though you have me, you’re still scared to do something wrong. You’re even afraid to use ‘baby’ even though you have the complete right to.”

“Shush already, bubba,” you groaned sheepishly, hugging yourself with your arms as Calum laughed at you again. But he quickly pulled you into a hug again and rested his chin on your head. You could feel and hear his heart slow down now, making you feel a bit more at ease.

“I’m glad you’re not mad at me or anything, bug.”

Nagoya, 11:58 P.M.

You and the 8 boys arrived at the stadium way before the concert even begins, allowing everybody to prepare at soundcheck. You all came by train, so it was an obvious that Calum had slept on you for the good 3 hours and you were wide awake to make sure he slept soundly without interruption. Now at the stadium, you watched from the front seats as One OK Rock prepared their instruments first.

“Have you heard anything from us, Y/N?” Taka asked politely as he began walking towards the front of the stage. The sun ray licked Taka’s pink hair perfectly as he sat down with his legs hanging off the stage. “Other than the song we sang last night together.”

“Unfortunately, no, I haven’t!” You said sheepishly. “I was gonna look up your stuff, but it seemed so embarrassing already because I’m now on tour with you guys as well!”

“It’s okay!” Taka tried, his tone threateningly cute for your own good. “But now that we’re here at soundcheck, I would hope that you could lend an ear.”

“I’ll lend both!” You quickly stabbed in the air. “Your vocals were amazing when you sang with the boys-- I’d love to hear you some more, Taka.”

“Mm, I’ve been practicing this song for a bit now,” Taka began, giving you a hopeful smile. “It’s not mine, but I am fond of it. I’ve been covering it and I might just be singing it during our set. Wanna hear it?”

Giving him a vigorous nod, he requests one of the workers to pass him an acoustic guitar. As he reaches up to grab it, you glance to your side to find Calum somewhat glare over. He was at the back of the stage, testing his bass on his own. But that didn’t keep him from paying attention to you.

“Okay, here we go...” Taka said slowly, giving you another quick smile before looking down at the guitar chords. He gives the strings a light rub before beginning to strum. “Can you hear, my heart beat? Tired of feeling, never enough. I close my eyes and tell myself that my dreams will come true...”

You couldn’t help but smile from how clean Taka’s voice was and his insane control over it. He played with passion, like the rest of the boys, with an amazing originality that seemed impossible to compare.

“Don't stop us now, the moment of truth--” His voice became more aggressive and strong, with veins popping from his neck. You could tell he was simply committed to singing. “We were born to make history. We'll make it happen, we'll turn it around. Yes, we were born to make history!”

“Yo!”

Taka suddenly stopped his music for you and him to turn and look over at Calum. His face was it’s usual resting bitch face as he held his long-strapped bass on him. He looked annoyed, which is a regular with Calum. But more annoyed at Taka more than anything.

“Stop impressing my girlfriend,” Calum mumbled. “It’s annoying and it’s pissing me off.” You always giggled at Calum’s bluntness. Although it was playful, considering Taka was a friend, Calum still couldn’t help his jealousy at all.

“Calm down, Hood,” Taka chuckled as he began to stand up and rush over to the Maori boy. He took off the guitar from his body and placed it on the stage in the center. He rushed over and gave Calum a big hug. “I love you!”

“I hate you,” Calum replied, having jokingly and half annoyed.

The management had been working them for hours in soundcheck. They desired flawless perfection, forcing them to ensure that all the mics would be ready, all the instruments were tuned to perfect, and Calum still had his lucky pick. This was also payback for the boys being careless regarding their flight over to Japan. But as they did, Calum kept receiving back to back calls and had to keep hanging up to the point where he simply shut it off.

“Y/N, baby, let me serenade you,” Calum began, shoving Taka off playfully as he grabbed the acoustic and walked down the stage. He sat down the way Taka did as he adjusted the guitar on his lap.

“Serenade me, aye?” You teased. “You gonna play Grind On Me for me, Cally?” You watched as your boyfriend frowned from the pet name you used.

“You are not using Cally as a cute pet name for me,” Calum growled.

“Awh, but it suits you so well!”

“No it doesn’t!” As Calum exclaimed, his phone slipped out of his pocket and dropped on the stage. As Calum bickered with you about the pet name, you couldn’t help but stare at his phone. It was off, but a series of calls have been disrupting Calum’s life. You couldn’t help but ponder...

Who was calling him?

6:35 P.M.

You stayed back stage with the boys as One OK Rock was delivering their set. You ensured to keep a good ear on their performance while still speaking with your boys. It was obviously that Taka and his band were very talented. They play perfectly in sync with Taka’s vocals so flexible. You were all in all very impressed.

“So I got the scab from the party last night...” The other 3 boys were discussing who knows what while Calum had snagged you aside to speak with you. The both of you were recapping the party and how Calum danced so sensually on you.

“You were off it, Calum!” You exclaimed. “I don’t even know how you were even able to dance like that in your skinny jeans!”

“Y/N, I wear them every day,” Calum chuckled as he watched another video of his grinding. “I’ve gotten used to them and just know how to be flexible in them.”

“But that’s not how it works!” Laughter and smiles were exchanged. This feels nice, you thought. Just happy vibes with your boyfriend made you feel more at ease about everything. It put your curiosity about Nia in a more settled state, allowing you to actually have a good time with the boy you love.

“Jesus, I really got deep in there, didn’t I--” Calum began as he pointed at his crotch grinding against yours. But the video was suddenly halted when a caller was coming in. You tilted your head a bit to see the caller ID.

Your heart froze to see the contact name.

“Who is Nia Lovelis?” You asked softly, studying Calum;s face as he looked down at his phone. He quickly ended the call and put his phone on ‘Do Not Disturb.’ He reluctantly looked over at you and gave you a simple, stern expression.

“Nobody,” Calum mutters quickly.

“She’s obviously somebody if she has your number and calls you,” you say with an annoyed tone. “Has she... is she the one who has been calling you over and over?”

“Doesn’t matter, it has nothing to do with you.”

“Yes it does, actually!”

“No it fucking doesn’t, Y/N!” Calum growled at you. “You have no reason to be jealous--”

“Who said that I was jealous?”

“Y/N, you’re retaliating over a girl calling me right now,” Calum said with an eye roll. “Of course you’re fucking jealous.”

“I’m not jealous of a girl I haven’t even met,” you spat. “You’re the one dodging my questions-- why would I be jealous of someone who you claim is ‘nobody?’”

“Because she’s another girl in my life, of course,” Calum said it with ‘isn’t it obvious?’ tone. “Everyone knows how girlfriends are about guys having friends who are girls.”

“Holy shit, Calum, I just want to know who she is!” You exclaimed, desperate for answers. This has been killing you since the morning, wishing he would just answer your question so you can be relieved. “I don’t mind you having girls as friends, I just want to know who Nia is!”

“But answer me first! Why the fuck do you care?” Calum yelled, having you taken aback by his strong tone. He raised his voice at you, having you fear that he was going to potentially hit you. You stayed quiet, looking at your boyfriend with horror in your eyes.

“Y/N, just tell me why the hell do you care?” Calum asked, his voice much lower but still filled with anger. His hands gently grabbed your shoulders, having him force you to stare into his eyes. His touch sent chills down your spine, but not of anticipation.

“Woah woah, calm yourself, Hood!” Ashton quickly came to your aid as he pulled you away from Calum. He stood in front of you, his hands shoving themselves in his pockets as he glanced back at you. “What’s going on?”

“She’s askin’ about Nia,” Calum responded for you. “I don’t even know why-- how could she even have heard about her anyways?” Calum then slowly realized, widening his eyes before looking back at you. “Did you look through my fucking phone?”

“Mate, you’re scarin’ her!” Michael quickly began, holding Calum’s shoulder. His chest was heaving quickly, but you weren’t noticing much. You kept your eyes on the floor, gazing distantly at it as Taka’s voice continued to ring through.

“Though,” Luke piped in. “It would make sense if she did when she asked us earlier about Nia...”

“Wait.” Calum looked like he wanted to explode. “Y/N asked about Nia? What the fuck-- what did you guys tell her?” Calum sounded like he was paranoid, almost pleadingly that the boys hadn’t uttered much to you.

“Y/N, did you even look through his phone?” Ashton began quietly, glancing back at you to see you nod your head no.

“I don’t even know the pass code...” you whispered truthfully, having Ashton turn back at the other boys.

“Y/N isn’t lying, you know,” Michael said softly. “She’d never lie to us. And I’m pretty sure as cousins, Ashton would know if she would be lying.” Ashton confirmed this with a nod, feeling a bit of relief knowing how close he keeps his blood in his heart.

“My cousin would never look through a phone that isn’t hers without consent...” Ashton murmurs. But you noticed how he tilted his head a bit, with his eyes a bit dim. “But how did you hear about Nia?”

“She could’ve Googled ‘Calum girlfriend’ or something,” Luke suggested. You knew he didn’t mean to interrogate you, but he just wanted to put out potential options.

“If she did that, she would’ve known about One OK Rock already,” Michael points out. And it’s true. You weren’t really stalkerish about the boy’s lives really. All you knew was that One Direction took them on their tour and they were finally signed to have their own tours. If you wanted to know any truth about rumors of the boys (if you cared enough), you would have asked your cousin himself. What would do you good to look into rumors about your childhood best friends?

“And Hey Violet.” Ashton added.

“Then, Y/N...” Calum began again, his voice a bit more calm and low than before. You didn’t dare meet his eyes, knowing that there were two flames in there ready to burst. “How do you know about Nia?”

You felt nervous, feeling like you were a bad girlfriend for stirring drama in the band. But, you couldn’t help and feel insecure again. Whoever this girl was could be trying to take Calum from you and you wouldn’t be able to do a single thing about it. You clenched your hands into fists, feeling your emotions build up and distribute themselves around your body. Tears flooded your eyes and streamed down your cheek very slowly.

“Because,” you choked, the words burning to get out. With shaky vocals, you let out a breath before speaking. “Calum said her name when he was falling asleep last night.”

yikes, im causing drama ! pls dont hate meee. let me know whatcha think right over here (please and thank you!) im so happy you guys love this series so much-- i hope it never ends!

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tohruhinada · 5 years

Photo

Well since i did that reblog, heres pics of my pets to go with it

Pancake: the bobtailed cat (couldnt get him to look at the camera) is nothing but a big baby, and almost 2 years old. Adopted him at roughly 6 months old. Previous owner found him as a stray 2 months prior and named him Patty Cake. In honor of the lil boys name for the cat, we kept it similar hence the name Pancake. Hes healthy, lazy, and super clingy to his new momma (or auntie if im at work).

Buddy: The Husky(dominant), wolf mix is a dog with a long story behind him. I adopted him back when he was 2 years old, and the poor boy has gone through a lot, now 3 and a half years of age. When he was still a puppy, he was in an abusive home, and god knows what they did to him. Buddy still has crazy fears and habits that make it hard to care for him, but doesnt mean ive given up. Soon however a police officer manages to not only save him from that home, but took him in and started training him to be a K9 unit. However, that did not last long, the officer had to move somewhere that wouldnt allow dogs, so he had to leave the K9 division and leave buddy with a sweet elderly couple that used to be his neighbors. Huskies however are loaded with energy, and this boy is very strong despite his weak stomach lining and tendency to skip meals (which im working on bringing him to a healthier weight and out of that habit), the couple could not keep up with him, and gave him away to a much younger couple down the street, who were my ex coworkers children. He spent half a year with that happy family until their ac broke, and being a mississippi summer, they knew it wasnt safe for him to stay. Later giving him to their grandmother in law. Buddy grew attached to the womans other dog, who sadly i never got to meet, since the elderly dog passed on shortly after buddy moved in. The woman was so heartbroken, she didnt have the will to keep buddy (which she named him buddy btws, where his name comes from) and wanted a good forever home for the poor dog, to which my co-worker knew i had a place of my own finally at the time, and helped introduce me to the woman, and since then hes lived with me (and the previous owner cant help but always ask about him when she sees me at work). Its a struggle sometimes. On his bad days if hes alone he will tear stuff apart, and without pancake at the time, it led to me having to buy two pet cages (that way he has extra room) but its only used when needed like for timeouts or when im at work. He tends to sleep in there during the day even if im home. Its become a safe space for him when he has his moments where he wants no attention. He fears the dark and thunder, tending to cling to me during storms, or will flip out if hes alone in the dark. So when were not home and we know itll get dark, my sister and i always leave a light on for him (even in months where the electric bill is higher). He still gets defensive over things considered his or even his tail, tending to bite those who mess with his stuff besides my sister and i (sometimes though even us he will lash at if were not careful). Worst he does though is is graze bites, he doesnt normally bite down or go into an attack mode, so overall hes a safe and loving dog (especially women, he loves the ladies XD). Another fear i cannot explain, is this deathly fear of the bathroom, especially the tub. And i mean deathly, like if i go to use the bathroom, i have to leave the door open or sometimes he will think something happened to me, if i try to bring him in for whether a bath or tornado warning, he starts shaking and uncontrollable peeing. Because of this, i cant bathe him like i need to, not unless i have a muzzle on him to prevent biting and have my sister clean up the pee so no one slips. I hate the muzzle method so im still trying to show him that its safe, but its a challenge. Used to be the same when it came to brushing him, but ive recently gotten a shedding brush that buddy seems to enjoy, and when hes had enough of it he just walks away, now the floofy boy doesnt have a big butt of shedded fur XD. So everyday hes a little closer to getting better, and even if it takes another two or more years i dont care, hes my baby and this is his forever home. Anyways i think that’s way more then enough lol, next time maybe ill share the story of my ex roomate and buddys week in puppy jail. Anyways a good day to all and remember to give adoption a try, whether a shelter or local animal.

#pets #animal stories #Buddy the Husky #Pancake the Bobtail

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