#ive relapsed in my suicidal urges so bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alastrrz · 3 months

Note

totally skip this request if you’re not comfortable writing it

yumi + tanner with a reader that struggles with self harm?

yes, i can write this. however, ive written something similar for yumi before. i'll link it here.

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ﾟ。 here for you ; tanner

　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

genre; hurt/comfort

type; drabble

tws // mention of self harm, implied suicidal thoughts, crying. please stay safe, all of you. i love you guys, and my messages are always open for any of you.

read below.

Tanner already knew you'd had issues in the past with self harm; you two have already had that conversation in the past. He figured you'd gotten past those issues, but he didn't know you were keeping more to yourself than he thought.

It was late, Tanner was awake playing on his pc. Probably playing Lethal Company with the guys, as you heard noises coming from their rooms as well. You were sitting silently in you guys' shared bed, just thinking. Thinking about what life would be like if you weren't the way you were; thinking about what Tanner could accomplish if you weren't holding him back so much. It'd be so much better for everyone if you just.. Weren't here.

You were mindlessly scrolling through your TikTok feed, not really caring about what you were watching. Your brain was far too loud for you to focus. Tanner's said you could always come to him for help, no matter what he was doing. You sighed, maybe talking would make it better. You got up, placing your phone down on the bed.

You tapped your boyfriend's shoulder, "Tanner?" He looked up at you for a second, pressing a button on his keyboard to mute himself, "What's up, honey?" You sighed, "Can we talk?.. I'm not uh.. Doing the best." His eyes widened a little bit, quickly nodding. "Yeah, yeah! Of course, lemme leave the game." He unmuted himself, explaining to the guys that he had something to do. He quickly left the voice call and the game, turning his chair towards you. "What's goin' on?"

"I'm scared I'm gonna relapse, T," Tanner quickly took hold of your arms, looking in your eyes. "... Why didn't you tell me sooner?" You looked away, trying to avoid eye contact. "I didn't wanna scare you." Tanner shook his head, "Well, yeah, I'm scared, but like.. have you done anything?" You denied, "No, jus'.. The urges, I guess."

Tanner got up, walking both of you to the bed. "Lie down, honey. You know I'm always gonna be here for you, I don't care if you're feeling bad or not, I'm here for you through the pretty and the ugly." You sighed, sitting up against the wall, trying to ignore the tears sliding down your cheeks. "I'm just scared you'll leave me if it gets too bad." Tanner shook his head, "Absolutely not, I'll be here no matter what. I want you to tell me when you're feelin' like this so I can help you." You nodded, "Okay. I will."

Tanner sat next to you, holding one of your arms and pressing a kiss to your cheek. "I love you, no matter what! I need you to remember that."

#alex's writing #anon.txt #tgc x reader #tgc #tgc x you #tgc x y/n #the group chat #the group chat x y/n #the group chat x you #the group chat x reader #tanner x y/n #tanner x you #tanner x reader #big t x y/n #big t x you #big t x reader

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nolongerxy · 1 month

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relapsed!! its my best friend's birthday today, but sadly that doesnt stop the urges.

i had got hit on and pressured by a twenty-something on campus and it was really gross. i tried telling him im severely underage (not that it matters ""how"" underage you are) but that didnt stop him. ive been having suicidal ideations for days because of my mom. ive seriously considered going through with it a few times, but my family is already beginning to struggle financially, so . . .

but the cuts feel nice <3 shes been so mean to me. she keeps bringing up all my past mistakes and making fun of the way i talk. when i get stressed (and its super bad at the moment), my enunciation and general pronunciation gets worse, and she keeps laughing at me and pointing it out to my other family members. everyone had ice cream a few hours after dinner, but i didnt. i already feel bad enough about myself. my mom loves pointing out how im ""@norexic skinny"", not even in a bad way, she loves talking about how "cute" it is, and how i should be happy, and how much she ""misses looking like that"" i want out.

#txt #self h@rm #tw depressing thoughts #tw child neglect #tw child abuse #tw depressing stuff #tw depressive #tw childhood trauma #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed #child abuse #sui ideation #tw sui ideation #self destructive thoughts #self destructive tendencies #self destruction #self destructive behavior

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omwtodie · 2 years

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if you can understand lmao have fun

my doctor prescribing meds is actual ass last year she could finally put me on pills and let me fucking tell you she did i’ve been on nearly every anti depressive and all the meds the hospitals i stayed at put me on i physically had no choice and had to deal with all the side effects myself. mm anyways A YEAR later after i’ve worked so hard to be only on my anxiety meds that work! she put me on a new anti depressive (i believe) she said it has multiple uses for depression,anxiety etc. (cause i don’t listen) i knew the one side effect that would piss me off is THE EXCESSIVE SWEATING. i already sweat like a hog thanks to being on so many different meds in a short period of time and my body didn’t actually get to develop. i gained unnecessary weight back to the other fucking point my meds aren’t legally supposed to go above 100mg without me signing papers because it could (and it definitely fucking did) jeopardize my mental health aka make me even more suicidal than i am high dosage plus a teen who starves themselves my nose hasn’t stopped running since ive been put on it my urges to relapse are even worse i still don’t have any hunger so i forget to eat i breakdown over the smallest things because i bottle it up not meaning to my anger is even worse now (boi) and i forgot again this is exactly what i mean NO NO. okay so i didnt think the sweating would be that bad right wrong i went to school in ripped jeans a croptop and sweatshirt by eleven it look like i had taken a shower and i sweat so much you could see my bra through my shirt. if i step out side i drown in sweat im gonna kms bro im crying iver sweat but it’s a sensory overload i feel gross

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ojibwa · 4 years

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hsfdhfdj i love my little brother So much but he just called me fat and i,,, know hes just doing it bc hes watching yt videos and ppl r saying fatphobic stuff on there and hes only 13 im not gonna hold it against him but it hurts to be so obsessed abt being abusive and being terrified of it and then having the ppl around u do stuff like that i aaaa

#esp when hes like. one of the main ppl im terrified of hurting #txt #whateverrrrr kill me #shoot me #in the head #i wanna kill myself so bad #like i dont see why i should be alive at this point #ive relapsed in my suicidal urges so bad

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emmalyn2233 · 3 years

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Lost Him

ஜ۩۞۩ஜ

Summary: Steve has to watch as his girl goes down a hole when she loose her best friend. Although he makes a deal to make sure that he his by her side no matter how much he pushes him away.

TW: Death, self harm, suicidal thoughts.

youtube

Steve had a bad gut feeling, and when he did it was always right. Everyone knew that, including his longtime childhood friend Bucky Barnes. “You alright, Punk?” Bucky asked, the said man looked over at him.

“Something’s wrong.” He answered, “I just have this tight feeling in my chest,” Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed, it wasn’t very often he had this feeling but when he did it usually meant you were upset or in danger.

“She’ll be okay,” Bucky clasped his shoulder, after everything that HYDRA had put Barnes through; Steve was relieved when he heard that Bucky was being giving a probationary period with the Avengers.

Tony Stark wasn’t happy with it at first, however slowly started to get over it when he realised Bucky wasn't in his right mind. After his probationary period was over, he was asked to carry on with them. That was almost a year ago.

“You know I don’t get this feeling very often, Buck.” Steve argued as Natasha Romanoff stepped into the cockpit of the quinjet where the two super soldiers stood.

Her face showed concern, “Has anyone heard from Y/N today?” She questioned, nipping at her lower lip. Steve looked at her confused, you always called Nat at least once a day.

Now that he thinks about it, he hasn’t had a call from you in at least there days which was also unusual. “No, she hasn’t talked to me in three days. I’ve tried calling her, texting her but she won’t answer.” Steve informed her.

“I’m worried, Steve.” Natasha muttered, it wasn’t unknown for Natasha and you to go everywhere, including missions but you had sat this one out. It was the first red flag for Steve, but you had pushed him to go.

“So am I,” Steve agreed, silently pondering why you hadn’t answered anyones calls or texts.

ஜ۩۞۩ஜ

Wanda was waiting for them when they got back from their mission. “Is she here?” Natasha questioned, and Wanda gave them a guilty look before sighing and shaking her head.

“She’s in the hospital.” Wanda finally let it slip, Natasha looked at the heartbroken Steve, before she urged the other brunette to continue. “She, She um, I found her on the floor; covered in blood three days ago.” Wanda blurted out.

“She, was what?” Steve felt angry at himself for ever leaving, Bucky gripped his shoulder to stop him lashing out at Wanda or anyone else in the tower. “Who hurt her?” He angrily asked.

“Doctors suggested that it was herself,” Wanda cried, a tear streaming down her face as Bucky let a small gasp came out of his lips. “There were really old scars Steve, I saw them. Some were recent and some were really, really old.”

“Like she may have had a relapse?” Natasha asked quietly, not entirely shocked. She knew you had self harmed in the past, but it had been almost 9 years since anything had made you feel the need to pick up a blade.

Wanda nodded quietly, “Let us get out of these, and then we’ll go to the hospital.” Natasha ordered, as the three walked past her.

“Steve.” The super soldier turned to face her, “I’m sorry. I really thought she was okay, everyone left her in her room thinking she was just missing you.” She muttered, apologetically.

“I know. I’m not blaming you, Y/N can be very persuasive when she wants to be left alone.” He nodded at her, and she took a shaky breath in before nodding at him.

Steve stepped into your room, a shaky breath leaving his throat when he realised just how much blood was on the floor. “F.R.I.D.A.Y” He spoke to the AI.

“Good evening Mr Rogers, it’s good to see you back from the mission safe. I’m sorry about Y/N though, What can I help you with tonight?” She asked, and Steve looked at the floor.

“Can you get someone to clean the floor, before she gets back?” He questioned, knowing she’d probably not want the reminder of it when she got back. To be honest, it made him feel sick looking at it.

“I’ll get to it right away, Mr Rogers.” He heard her say, before turning on his heel and walking out of her room and heading towards his own to get changed into a shirt and a pair of jeans.

Bucky was leaning against the wall when he emerged from the room, grabbing him and dragging him towards the car. “She’s my best friend too, Steve. This hurt me, knowing she was hurting.” He finally spoke after the quiet became suffocating.

“I know, Buck.” Steve sighed

ஜ۩۞۩ஜ

Bright lights blinded you as you opened your eyes.

You realised, it hadn’t worked. Why hadn’t it worked? You thought to yourself, as the door opened to your hospital room. That’s where you were guessing you were anyway.

“Miss Y/N Y/L/N, it’s good to see you awake. You gave your friend a mighty scare.” The doctor spoke, and she turned her head to the side. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, let alone a doctor about her condition.

She didn’t want to talk to anyone, about anything. All she wanted was to be left alone, she wanted to be with him again, no matter what it took. “You lost a lot of blood, from the wounds on your arms, and legs. You were lucky to be found before you lost too much.” He finally sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to get anywhere with you.

“I wish it wasn’t.” She muttered quietly, and the doctor flinched at the coldness of her voice. He knew her personally, from her work and this wasn’t like her at all. But yet he knew, he knew not to push anyone in this state to talk.

He walked outside, and you leaned on your back; ignoring the small talk outside the door before once again the door open. “Go away,” You hissed before looking up to see Bucky Barnes standing at the door frame.

“Not happening, Doll.” His answer was harsh, but the red rims around his eyes made you know that he had been crying; and Bucky Barnes never cried. You looked down for a moment, knowing what you had done was wrong.

But you felt alone, you still do. “Doll, listen to me. I know what your thinking, probably more than Steve and Natasha.” Bucky sat down beside her, putting his hand out for her; letting her make the first move.

Your hand slowly inched towards his, the IV lines sticking out your knuckles making it hard but you finally grabbed a hold of his hand. “You’re not alone in this, alright. You’ve got me, Steve, Wanda, Natasha, all of the avengers. We’re not going to ever leave you alone.” He promised, and your eyes watered.

“I-” Your mouth opened but you quickly closed it again, you had no idea what to say. For once in your life, you were totally and utterly broken. You finally let the dams of water that were waiting to be released out.

Tears ran down your face, and Bucky quickly reached forward and pulled you into a softening hug. You tried to push and hit at him, but he managed to gently push your hands to your side.

You didn’t think you deserved to be hugged. “Y/N.” Steve spluttered from the doorway, making you look up with teary eyes. Bucky stood up, and looked at him as your arms fall down by your sides.

He knew, he knew that you needed Steve more than him at the moment. You ignored the shooting pain in your side, moving over so that the super soldier could sit in beside you but you kept quiet.

The man looked you over, and you shied away; you didn’t know what he’d think about all the scars now littering your body? He pulled your arm gently and pressed a kiss against your skin, and then you were breaking down again, in his chest as he brushed away your hair; not asking questions.

Instead opting for being there for you, “I’m here, let it all out.” He soothed, as she hiccuped; then tried to talk. “Shh, you don’t have to explain it too me, baby.” He whispered.

“You almost lost me,” You bubbled out, “I think y-you do deserve to know why.” He grabbed her hand gently and intertwined their fingers. You take a shaky inhale through your nose; this feeling of guilt had been weighing on your chest for weeks and now you just wanted to get it out.

“I’ve been distant for two months, I know you noticed.” You started, and he slowly nodded; rubbing soothing circles over your knuckles. “My best friend, Derek.” You gulped, looking down at your scars. “He was always a self harmer, much like me. Unlike him, I managed to stop for nine years.”

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to do this.” Steve mumbled, reassuringly and your grey watery eyes met his.

“I need to, I need to get it off my chest.” You whisper, and Steve nods. “Two months ago, I got a phone call off of Derek’s parents. He had overdosed on sleeping pills, and they didn’t think he was going to make it.” You gulp, looking at your hands.

“He was pumped, given something that could counteract that pills but nothing worked and he was pronounced brain dead. Put on a ventilator and he stayed that way until five days ago. When his parents and I decided to order him off of the ventilator. I killed my friend, Steve.” You sob.

Steve let out a small tiny sad sigh, before cupping your chin in his hand. “You didn’t kill him, Y/N. You set him free, by letting him go. He’s up there now, happy and at peace because you let him go, you knew that you had to let him go so that he would finally be at peace.” He whispered, and you sobbed again.

“Although he’s not here physically with us, I bet this is not what he wanted for you.” He whispered, “He’s always going to be watching over you, smiling when you get the promotion you deserve, laughing when you recount memories of the two of you when it doesn’t hurt to talk about him, and he will always be right here. Just like I am.” He whispered.

You wrapped your arms around his waist, not knowing how you deserved a man like him. “I need you to promise me something, you’re going to go days, weeks, months without feeling pain, but then one day you’re going to have a bad day. I want you to come to me to talk about it, I'll make sure that I have nothing that day and it will just be us.” He whispered.

“I-” You close your mouth, closing your eyes. “Will you help me? Do you promise to stand beside me, even when I fuck up?” You whisper softly. Steve nodded, wrapping his pinky around awaiting one. “Okay, I promise, I’ll come to you when I have a bad day.” You whisper.

His eyebrows rose, and you look down at your hands. “I’m having a bad day just now.” You whisper, and he kissed your forehead lightly. You knew it was going to be hard, but you wanted to move on for Derek and that’s what you did.

#deathofabestfriend #steve rogers #bucky barnes #steve x y/n

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boy-porridge-vent · 5 years

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Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

* I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

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mental-health-advice · 5 years

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been anxious and upset deep down. trying to supress it. s/o is talking about some sort of plan of death (she worded it very weirdly but i know she has bad intentions), like suicide or something. sounds confident she wants to pull off the plan. im suicial as well and self harm so i know what shes going through could be a phase i also went through, but ive always kept the promise of killing myself alive even after that, its very dangerous. ive offered help but what else can i do to calm down?

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you and your significant other both have been struggling lately. I can imagine this must be a really tough time for you and that you’re at loss a bit on what to do.

First of all, it’s really important that you take good care of yourself! No matter what, you will always come first. Golden rule at MHA: you need to help yourself before you can help others. That’s also what your significant other would want! She wouldn’t want you to relapse or fall back because of not taking care of yourself enough while you were trying to help her.

When struggling with self harm, alternatives can be really helpful. They can reduce the urge to self-harm. There are many different alternatives and all can tackle the urge in a different way. If the urge is more about the physical sensation, then there are physical alternatives you can use. If it’s more about the emotional relief, then there are emotional alternatives you can use. The idea is that after using these alternatives, you won’t feel the need for self-harm as much anymore. It’s always worth a shot! You can also use distractions. These generally don’t reduce the urges, but they can help for time to pass, time in which the urges can reduce naturally. Last, but perhaps most important, is to find the motivation to fight against the urges. If you lack this motivation, it’s much easier to just give in to the urges. To get that motivation you can make a list with reasons not to harm. This is personal for everyone so I’d recommend you to make your own personal list. It can be really tough, that’s what I found at least. But if you get to a point where you can really find the motivation (for me this was wanting to go swimming with my godson who’s the cutest little boy), then you can do so much more than you think yourself capable of.

Offering help and support is already a big thing you can do, probably the biggest thing you can do. For her to know that you’re there, that you care, that can help a lot. It can make her feel a little less alone, less hopeless, less unworthy. Something else that you can do with her is to make a list with reasons to stay (you can do this yourself too since you too struggle with suicidal ideation). This can hopefully give her some motivation to keep fighting against those suicidal thoughts. You can make a safety plan, for which you can find an outline on our printables page.

Last, but definitely least, you can recommend her to reach out to someone such as a trusted adult. Her safety matters so much and sometimes you need to do something really scary in order to secure that safety (here the scary thing being her reaching out for help). If you feel like she’s in danger, then you can encourage her to reach out for more immediate help, such as getting herself to hospital.

There’s one other note I’d like to make. Often, when looking for reasons to stay, you’ll hear about how you should think about those close to you, how it would affect them. And yes, that is horrible, and I’ve gone through it myself and it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to experience. But primarily, you need to find reasons for yourself, reasons why you want to keep on fighting. However, if there is ever a point where you cannot find such reasons, then it’s perfectly okay to stick around and keep fighting for the sake of others. I’ve definitely done this! Because there were times where I just couldn’t find reasons for myself, so I kept getting through the days for some people close to me. And it got me through it and now I can see those reasons for myself. It just took me some time. I don’t know, the reason I said this was because there have been posts that say about how you shouldn’t only stay for others, but I think that if that’s what can keep you fighting, then by all means stay for others! Just a thought I wanted to share.

I hope that the both of you will get to a point where you’re feeling and aren’t struggling so much anymore. You both definitely deserve to! If there is anything else that we can help with, please let us know. Hope this helped at least a little though!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #suicide #suicidal thoughts #suicidal ideation #self harm #partner #relationship #mhapauline #anonymous

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boy-porridge-vent · 5 years

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september 10 2019

god i cant take it anymore Im so tired of everything

having traumatic memories flow back through my head every fucking night??? Im fucking tired of it. I cant sleep anymore because either I go to bed crying & miserable, or I get no sleep/a couple hours each night so I dont have enough time to dream. Recently, every time Ive had a dream, it’s involved my ex & how she treated me. Every fucking night. I literally can’t sleep without crying & freaking out/self harming because I get scared of what repressed memory is going to reemerge in my dreams this time

Ive tried to block so many things, it’s been years, but every night for nearly 2 weeks anytime I sleep I dream of her, her calling me names, the things she would say to me, when she would get physical, her sexual assault against me. I can’t fucking do it anymore

Im so exhausted, Ive only gotten about a total of 8 hours total over the past 3 nights because either I cant sleep from being scared, or because I force myself to stay up.

she’s fucking ruined me, she abused me, I was used, yet all these years later, Im the one that continues to suffer from the thoughts and words she forced forever into my mind, while she got away completely scot free with no consequences, so she still continues to harm and manipulate people to this day because she got away with it when it came to me.

I feel like it’s all my fault and I should be the one trying to stop her, but I have no control, Im legally not allowed to have any contact with her. Im seen as the bad guy. Why? Because I reached out for help one too many times and the school thought it was annoying & clingy. They thought I was obsessive over her.

It’s not obsession. It’s called fucking trauma. It’s called being emotionally unstable because of abuse that I was never able to properly heal from. I was forced to move on quick and pretend it never happened so I could move on with my life, and in that period of my life I had no time to properly think over everything and heal, I had nobody to professionally talk to. Ive been denied therapy by the school and by my parents because they think therapists are ridiculous, that I don’t need one.

Im sorry, but I genuinely do think Im going to end up killing myself in the next 2 years, maybe even within a year if shit keeps spiraling downward like it has been. I need help. Im not trying to self diagnose here, but it almost feels like I have ptsd or something because I cant stop thinking about what she did.

Im not obsessed, I would know if I was. I dont think about her as in I miss her/want her back; no, not at all, I wish she wasn’t around anymore. I think of her everyday, multiple times a day, cry over her every night & stay up wide awake in fear because of her almost every night because of what she did to me. This is every fucking day. Every fucking night. I can’t get her out of my head. The same horrible experiences & verbal blows come back to me every day, and I can’t make it stop. Once it pops into my head, it’s there for hours, and it weighs me down severely.

I want to get better. Im tired of relapsing into my eating disorder over and over. I relapsed into it while I was dating her because of how miserable and emotionally strained I was, I relapsed after we broke up, and I relapsed again a few weeks ago ever since the memories & nightmares started flooding into my mind much at a greater extent than ever before.

Im tired of relapsing into cutting. I started cutting only 8 months into our relationship because I had nobody to talk to, nothing was getting better, I felt helpless. I relapsed over and over the next couple years, it became an addiction, and now it’s becoming almost deadly. I relapsed in August when these memories started to pop up again and now everytime I get an urge when she comes into my mind, I go deeper and deeper. Im so tired of all this.

I want to remember what she did to me so I can grow from the experience & help others who may go through similar situations since I have a large understanding of these types of abusive people;

but I also want to erase all memories I have of her. Everything. Even hearing her name or hearing certain words makes me think of specific situations in time & makes me have to leave class or put in earbuds to drown out any noise to try and distract myself. She’s ruined me, and it hurts even more knowing that she’s still doing this shit to other people, and getting away with it. She gets away with it because I’ve been told by my school that I need to keep my mouth shut & never talk about her. If someone is her friend or she talks to people, I have to stay away and just let it go. Meaning she could have another victim right now, someone exactly like me, who’s vulnerable & overly trusting, thinking she’ll be a good friend, and they’ll end up being hurt, insulted, used, treated like absolute fucking shit and they may start to self harm or contemplate suicide because of how negatively it effected them, just like it’s effected me. And that. Fucking. Horrifies me.

Knowing someone else could be in my exact position because of her is one of my worst fears. I dont steal her friends, but rather they usually come to me after a few months. Why do they come to me? Because they see her true side & are smart enough to get away while they still can, because she’s told everyone she could about how she thinks Im the bad guy because I came out about my abuse, so logically when they see her true abusive nature, they come to me to see if I really am what she’s described me as, or if it was all just lies, just like her supposed goodie-two shoes mask was all a lie to cover up her true deceiving manipulative personality.

I can only look forward to the day when she leaves this town and has nothing left, or the day when finally the consequences finally come around and ruin everything she has, so she feels the torture and suffering Ive silently been going through for 5 fucking years. Im not religious, but I pray God have the tiniest bit of mercy left on her fucking soul when her time comes around, because she’s going to need a miracle to get into any kind of heaven with the things she’s done to the dozens of people she hurt.

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