Lloyd Owen as John Clive in Thugs of Hindustan
(No Rings Of Power in the next years, so it’s time for some other Lloyd content!)
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Brian Asman: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of FUCK THIS HOUSE
King: haha oh man! that title! that’s great!
King: i’m sold already!
Asman: good, cuz it’s kinda all downhill from here
Asman: so this family moves into a new house
Asman: and by the way the son in this family consumed his unborn twin in the womb
Asman: just getting that shit right out there on the first page
King: brian! you can’t do that! you gotta pace yourself!
Asman: naw
Asman: listen you think living in a haunted house is bad?
Asman: you should try it yourself!
Asman: that’s right, I’m giving away a FREE haunted house to one lucky winner!
Asman: and it could be
Asman: YOU
[showing off a haunted house]
Asman: now this house, we like to call it a ghostbuster’s dream
Barker: yeah right man i’ll be the judge of that
Poe: clive let him give his spiel
Asman: s-so this house comes equipped with hot and cold running chills...
Barker: what’s that smell?
Asman: ooo smells like the infernal fires of hell breaking theough the veil huh?
Barker: you were just baking charcoal in the oven to give it that welcoming haunted house smell weren’t you
Asman:
Barker: c’mon man i know all the tricks
Barker: i’ve seen HGTV
Asman: i’m sure you’ll find this house to your liking
Asman: check this out
Asman: walls continue upright, bricks meet neatly, floors are firm
Asman: [thumping door] hear that?
Asman: doors sensibly shut
Shirley Jackson: [mumbling excitedly]
Mary Shelley: yeah yeah i hear ya
Mary Shelley: how’s the silence lay here? steadily?
Asman: now if you’ll follow me into the master bedroom you’ll find a
Asman: oh did you hear that?
Poe: hear what?
Asman: [knocking on wall] that knocking! oh it must be the ghost!
Poe: you just knocked
Asman: IT MUST BE THE GHOST!
Barker: gotta be honest here, man
Barker: i don’t think this house is really haunted
Asman: no no of course it’s haunted
[wind blows through eaves]
Barker: is that the wind blowing through the eaves?
Asman: oh no no no
Asman: of course not
Asman: it must be the ghost
Asman: any questions about this haunted house?
John Wiswell: is it a friendly haunted house?
Asman: no, its the bad kind
Asman: next question
King: how many ghosts are in here?
Asman: 999 happy haunts
Asman: but there’s room for one more
Barker: if this house is so haunted, then maybe you wouldn’t mind a visit from the world’s foremost ghost hunters
Asman: of course not! i would welcome it
Arthur Conan Doyle: I’m arthur conan doyle
Charles Dickens: and I’m Charles Dickens
Dickens: together we are
Dickens & Doyle: GHOST CLUB
Dickens: so you say this house is haunted?
Asman: uhh yeah totally
Doyle: that’s good enough for me! case closed!
Dickens: NOT SO FAST
Dickens: if this house is REALLY haunted
Dickens: you wouldn’t have to play
Dickens: [dramatic reveal sting] THIS record of Walt Disney’s Thrilling Chilling Sounds of the Haunted House on loop!
Dickens: and you wouldn’t
Dickens: [dramatic reveal sting] need G.E. Woods to hide in the closet to make haunted house sounds!
Woods: [holding out peeled grapes] these are the ghosts’ eyeballs
Asman: Curses! And would have gotten away with it
Asman: if it wasn't for you meddling ghost club!
Doyle:
Doyle: i still think it’s haunted
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