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mysteriesatthecoffeeshop · 11 months

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What's it like podcasting? (Chalena)

It's a question I get asked a lot. It's fun - it honestly really is but it has been very difficult and a learning curve. I know I know I definitely have not been keeping up with this blog, but I am going to start now. I want to see how far this journey takes us.

In the beginning, it was really hard to find our voices. Courtney and I, although are very talkative when it's just us - can get a little shy in front of the camera/mic. Our biggest fear was always, "am I going to stay something stupid? Stumble over my words? Am I going to offend someone". We are still getting over this curve now - though being only 7 episodes in there is a huge difference. We decided that we were going to be ourselves - our true, authentic, unfiltered selves. What is the point of podcasting if not? We're not just having a conversation with each other but with our audience as well, and we want you guys to join in on the conversation! If you don't like us - fine - we're not for you. We can't fit in with everyone's taste.

Now, we did start podcasting in the middle of our Vet Tech Program. It honestly was supposed to be just a fun hobby for us. Now going back and thinking about it, it was an incredibly crazy idea. This podcasting is like another job that doesn't pay well, the only reason I do it is because I truly enjoy it. It give me something else to think about other than Vet Med, and anyone in Vet Med knows how draining and life consuming it is. If I didn't have this podcast - I would be at home probably depressed. I met my goal, what else is there to live for if I have nothing to work for? I would just be lost if I wasn't actively working on something.

Currently, I am working full time as a Vet Assistant, while studying for the VTNE to be a full fledged Vet Tech. Has this been a hurdle? Absolutely, I feel like I'm having to juggle two different lives. On top of that - I recently discovered that I may have an autoimmune disorder. My test results came back flagging for Hypothyroidism in the near future and a positive on Anti-Nuclear AB. The latter can still flag positive on a healthy person - however I have been suffering symptoms for over 6 months. I know I know, I should have gone sooner but I just didn't have the time or money for that. If I wasn't studying, I was at my clinicals and if I wasn't at my clinicals, I was at work, and if I wasn't at work, I was at home taking care of all the things I didn't do during the week. I was constantly tired, but I thought it was just from my busy schedule and endless amounts of studying. Nothing an energy drink couldn't fix, right? WRONG. I should have known that something was wrong when I was sleep extremely exhausted and unfocused when I was taking my prescribed ADHD medications along with 2-3 energy drinks a day. I unfortunately only noticed when I started working full time, with shorter working hours and a less busy schedule, and I was passing out at 8pm and waking up for work at 8am (I'm supposed to be there at 7:20), regularly, and it still wasn't enough.

So how do I podcast with all this chaos going on in my life? Easy. I enjoy it. That's it. That's the secret, you have to actually like it and understand that even though you podcast for an audience, at the end of the day your podcast is for you to be you. So what, if you only have 15 listeners? I know sometimes when you start out doing this - you feel like you're not enough. You're not smart, funny, pretty, etc, enough and a big audience is essentially approval from other people. Validation is what we search for (in most every situation). I am here to tell you (and myself) that you are enough. Your thoughts, your ideas, your beliefs, they matter, you matter.

So yeah, that's what it's like podcasting. It's an emotional rollercoaster when you mix it in with your own crazy life - but at the end of the day it's rewarding on its own.

#blog #podcast #personal blog #life update #ask a small time podcaster #true crime podcast #paranormal podcast #splice of life #life advice #hobbies #vet med #auto immune disorder #full time jobs #veterinary medicine #veterinary technician

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codematurgy · 1 year

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How are you doing?

this was unexpected. hey, thanks for asking! that's sweet :)

i actually intended to post something here these days! what a timing, huh? while i still maintain the npf photosets plugin(someone warned me that the implementation of alt text buttons broke it through github! thanks to this person! it's fixed too), i haven't really posted anything because i've just had other things in my mind.

it's going to become even less likely i update this blog with new layouts, but for a good reason: i recently got a remote job as a front-end developer!!! i wanted to mention this here because, even though this blog was not the main reason i got hired, coding on tumblr was what made me interested in front-end development to begin with; i've done shitty code and, honestly, still have some up there. from what i've learned the past year, i'm quite embarrassed with the code for the npf photosets plugin, though it does work, so there it is(i am totally open to someone willing to rewrite it with better code, by the way. long live open source code and community maintenance!); however, the journey here is what enabled me to get better, so i'm pretty proud of it. thanks, people of tumblr!

i was also busy with, er, leftist activism? not as much as i think i should, but mostly because the pandemic has been tough in my household. i don't know how everyone else feels about this, but the pandemic is not over for me; i don't have the choice of going maskless and resuming life as it was unless i actively wish to kill someone by giving them covid. sounds dramatic, but there it is. hopefully one day it will feel safe enough, though the job certainly drains me enough that i don't know if i will have the energy. capitalism problems, am i right?

i guess that's what is most relevant. i am very lucky to feel like i have a life perspective at 22, even if there's a bunch of heavy stuff to deal with. it's nice to communicate all of this here; hope it means something to someone who likes coding or is having a hard time with the pandemic as i am. hopefully, one day i will release any of my coding ideas that have been sitting idly in my computer for a year or maybe two. i have like 5 different new ideas/reworks just... there. despite not having the time to mess around with them, i'm surprised to find that i'm not actually tired of tumblr theme-making, and would like touching it again. i'm just slightly conflicted because(this is going to be nerdy) i love messing with javascript and would like to make a theme that pulls all blog information and posts through the API, but i do like supporting users with no javascript enabled, despite it being messier to display... whew!

have a good day, stranger! hope you're doing alright too!

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88m33 · 2 years

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I got a new job recently. I've only been there about a month already but I really enjoy it. One of the best parts is the amount of alone time I get: I walk around in mostly empty rooms, no one really talks to me, and I get to really sit in my mind.

My brain is not as scary of a place as it used to be. My mind has healed a lot and I think part of it has been because I've been letting go of a lot.

I started letting go and cutting off the toxic people in my life starting in January 2021 and this past year and a half have really showed me I can stand up for myself and make those hard decisions. This past month has been more about letting go of the toxic thought patterns. Some I didn't get a choice on and others I did myself. For example, I have been teaching myself to have my own opinions (which has been surprisingly difficult!) and it has proven to be working.

This alone time at my job, now that my mind isn't constantly harassing me about everything, has been used to really think about what I want for my future. What is that line from Hamilton? "For the first time, I'm thinking past tomorrow." I relate to that statement on a spiritual level. I remember turning sixteen and being surprised because in my head I had never imagined I would get there. I had lived for so long just trying to survive the day that growing up physically was a brief afterthought.

I get to use this time to really sit and think about what I want and how the current state of the country has affected those wants. To be honest, I'm fucking terrified. They take away the constitutional right to abortion and talk about getting rid of the right to contraception. It's like they want people with uteruses to just pop out babies left and right. And then they're talking about getting rid of gay marriage and making gay sex illegal and they're already taking steps to make transitioning illegal. I am so afraid of what could happen to my friends and family if this happens. As a queer nonbinary person, I'm scared for myself. I could pass very easily as cisgender but I don't want to. I want to be myself and I am afraid of what these people in power could do to us.

So my thought is, do I move out of the U.S.? I want rights. I don't want to be persecuted. And I'm afraid America isn't gonna get any better and is actually gonna get a lot worse. I would rather be far away from my immediate family and get rights and healthcare and a good life for the family I'm hoping to build than stay near my immediate family and be constantly scared of what the government is going to do next.

Deeper within my circle, my parents have been just miserable to be around. I have become the third parent to my siblings. My parents and two of my siblings are gone right now and I am still taking care of the third one that doesn't even live with me. I am so tired of taking care of people. I don't want to take care of people. I want to be alone for just a second. I find my peace away from everyone and if I don't get my alone time I'm going to go into overstimulation meltdown mode.

Today was the first day I really spent all day with my sibling and while I love him dearly, I wish I had spent the day at home. I got nothing done and I spent way too much money. By the end of the day, we were sitting at our grandparent's house and I was trying not to act like I was over it but I wanted to take him back home so bad. I feel bad saying that because I love him to death but it had been a very long time since we had hung out that long and I forgot how draining he was (not to mention my extended family and I have very different views on the world and I can't stand it and I hate their vibe at this point). He's not an energy vampire but he requires so much energy to be around and I have to recharge after that. I'm glad he couldn't sleep over because I wanted to just cry in exhaustion.

It's also very difficult having him around because people constantly pity him and what he's going through. It makes sense: he's got severe mental health issues and may not be able to come home ever again. But I don't remember the last time someone was like "man, having to take care of your family since the age of four was such a fucking burden; are you okay, dude?". Actually, I don't think anyone's ever asked me that. Or really asked how my mental health was until I had a meltdown or took myself to a therapist.

It really shows who cares about you and what they care about. I don't remember the last time someone was like, "Tell me about your life I want to hear all of it" and actually meant it. Usually, I'd get about five minutes into the conversation before they change the subject. My grandmother only ever wants to hear about what my mother is doing because they don't talk to each other. She then proceeds to ask my brother about his life and doesn't even ask how my day was.

The only thing people ever ask is, "How is school?" It's always school. Yes, it's a huge part of my life right now, but literally, nothing has changed since I told you yesterday. Were you not paying attention last time or is this just part of the niceties of everyday small talk? I wish someone would ask me why I want to go to law school or about my new hyper-fixation or something beneath the surface level. Where do you want to stay when you move? Why art law? Would you ever practice outside of the country? Tell me all about the fall of the Romanov dynasty and show me your new book of spells.

And people really question why I want to disappear off the face of the earth? I want to be happy. And I know how to be happy by myself. My attempts at happiness with others are lacking and I can't figure out why. I feel like no one cares about the right parts of me. I feel like I live in a country that wants one thing out of me and I refuse to give it to them. I think I would be happier as a mute living in a shack in the French countryside making art than trying to assimilate with a family that doesn't care that much.

I wish people would stop cornering me into doing things. My mother like to do this a lot: "Do you know anyone that can babysit? Our normal one can't do it and so I have to pay someone else." "No, I don't." "Ugh, how am I ever going to find one?" I know I don't have to say I can do it, but I'm pretty sure if I didn't, I would be the worse child in the history of humanity. That I "exercised my independence from this family at the wrong time" and I "should've just said yes" but when I say I can and then say I'm tired or I don't want to next time, I'm "complaining about something we agreed to" and I should suck it up. Which is it? Am I an independent adult who can make my own choices or a child to be commanded? I'm sick and tired of being both and neither at the same time.

I wish no one knew me. I wish I didn't have a phone. I wish my family would let me do my thing. I wish I could live my own fucking life. I wish the government would fuck off and I wish people cared about who I actually was and not what I can or will provide for them in the future. I wish no one knew me and I'd be able to live in peace.

#diary entry #i'm tired #i want to disappear #i want to go missing #I want to scream #I want to cry #i need this #I want people to care

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relaxxattack · 3 years

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hi! I'm the anon that asked about sending in the fic. apologies if this is the wrong place to send it, I wasn't sure what was most appropriate. feel free to ignore it btw. apologies for plot holes and mischaracterisation I wrote this while very tired.

When he’s not trying to solve the mystery of kidnapped children or plotting ways to kill a man, Ran likes to walk the halls of the castle.

In the End everything is so similar, the cities, the bridges, the ground, the sky – it all goes on forever, repeating itself over and over again, never anything new.

In the Overworld however, no two cities he’s been to have ever been the same. They bustle under one sky with their own clouds each day and their own constellations each night. They have been built by different minds for different purposes and different people and he loves to study it.

So when he wanders the halls he take notes in his journal of the art and the architecture. Of the style and the purpose and the history.

He’s definitely not hoping to bump into someone. He would never do that.

One night when he’s unable to sleep he decides to go for another walk. At this point he’s sure he’s seen everything so it’s more to clear his head than anything else.

Unlike the other times he’s been out at night, the castle is not silent. There’s a low hum emanating from somewhere, quiet enough that he reckons he’s the only one that can hear it.

He walks towards it and the sound grows louder and more distinguishable.

It’s music.

They don’t have music in the End, not really. However, it had been one of the few things in the Overworld he never had to learn to understand. The second he heard it he got it. He felt it in his bones, the way that the rhythm would drum through his heart and tell him a story. A story just for him. The way that the melody would make him understand things he could never put into words, even if only for a moment.

He follows the sound, or rather it lures him to it. Through a corridor and up a set of stairs. Open a door, shut the door, up another flight, along another corridor. He thinks he’s running now, sprinting to find where the music is coming from, but he stops dead when he sees the source.

It’s him.

At the end of the hallway, facing away from him, Jackie sits in front of a piano.

Ran doesn’t think he’s ever been to this part of the palace before. The ceilings are lower, the walls bare, the windows foggy. Nobody has been here in a long time; he wouldn’t be surprised if Jackie was the only one that knew about it.

He stands stock still at the door to the hallway, not wanting to move, not wanting to shut the door for fear it might disturb him, for fear it might make him stop.

He’s never heard this song before, which is odd because he likes to think he can recognise most Overworld music by now. The same songs are played at all the gatherings he goes to, through all the streets he walks. He had never considered that there would be more.

This one sounds sad, not sad like crying but sad like stillness. It feels like trailing your hand through a river as it flows by, or when you learn as a child that you can’t sleep on clouds, or when you wake up from a nightmare calling for someone only to realise you are alone.

It feels like everything he’s never been able to put into words all at once, it feels like it’s for him but not just for him, like a hand reaching out and saying I feel like that too.

He’s so caught up in all the feelings that he can only think one thing, and that is that he doesn’t want Jackie to stop.

Ran should know by now that when it comes to Jackie, he never gets what he wants.

The last note Jackie plays sounds less like a conclusion and more like a promise. I will be back tomorrow. I still have stories to tell you.

Ran wonders that if he returns at the right time he might be able to listen to him again.

And then kill him when he’s distracted, a voice in his head adds on.

Sure, that too.

Jackie hasn’t moved since he stopped playing but Ran knows that won’t last for long and decides to slip out the door while he’s still unnoticed.

“Whoever’s waiting outside the door better stop and hope to God I’m feeling merciful tonight,” a voice commands. It is not one he recognises. It’s definitely Jackie, but it’s low and tired. It hurts Ran and he doesn’t know why.

Ran’s only halfway out the door and he figures his best bet at staying alive is to reveal himself. He’s done his research. He knows that unlike him, Jackie doesn’t have assassination attempts, only assassinations. A long list of names with him as the last face they saw.

There are worse ways to go, he thinks.

He turns around to go back through the door again.

“Ran?” Jackie says, confused. “What’re you doing here?”

What is he doing here? If the Council knew of this, Ran in a dark room with his target, alone in a hidden in a part of the castle where no one goes, not trying to kill him but instead afraid of him, instead just watching him, instead wishing that he would turn around and continue to play - well - he’d be dead probably.

Definitely.

Oh, he’s so dead.

For once in his life Ran has lost all ability to lie, or tell the truth, or say anything remotely useful.

That’s been happening a lot recently.

“I- um, I was just- I was uh-”

Jackie looks less confused now, instead just annoyed.

“You were what?” he asks.

“I was listening.”

His face seems to fall, like a realisation that drains all irritation from it. His harsh brow fades away and his eyes soften. Here in the moonlight Ran think Jackie looks the youngest he’s ever seen him.

“Did you like it?” His voice is different but in a good way this time, it’s sweet, almost naïve and it strikes Ran once again how strange it is that this kid has enough red in his ledger to anger herds of bulls.

It doesn’t occur to Ran that it’s strange that he does too.

“I did,” Ran replies, and he doesn’t mean to. He really didn’t mean to say that. Why did he say that? Why did-

Jackie smiles and all trains of thought stop. “Good.”

Jackie gets up from the stool and walks down the corridor towards him. Closer and closer. Ran’s heart is getting faster and he has to remind himself that Jackie doesn’t know. He’s not going to kill him.

It doesn’t help.

When Jackie reaches him he stops for a second and seems unsure what to do. Eventually he pats Ran’s shoulder and meets his eye. “G’night, Ran.”

He walks past him and through the door, not expecting a reply, not expecting anything at all.

When Ran falls asleep that night he tries not to think about a life in the future. About a life far away from here. With grassy fields and trees and lakes. With blue skies and a house in the middle of nowhere. Far from everything he’s ever known. Untouchable. Undisturbed. Answering to no one.

He tries not to think about sitting in that house – it’s more a cottage really – simply furnished with the windows wide open, resting in an armchair and listening to music played by a boy with blue in his eyes and red in his ledger. With blonde hair and a laugh that sounds like if seagulls could sing. The most beautiful music he’s ever heard.

He tries really, really hard.

i'm going to cry this is so so lovely holy shit. this is my new favorite thing in the whole world now. i am going to treasure this forever.

it feels so weird to see ran and jackie written by someone else, but, like, you've taken them and made them better... they feel so alive here. they really come off the page.

my writing normally feels grounded and dry, which is intentional, but i absolutely love how yours feels glittery and flowy (like a stream). oh my god.

thank you so much for sharing this!! if you ever want to like put it on ao3, please do!!!

#(if you need help posting anonymously i know how to do that and can help you)#you could make it ''inspired by'' so theres a little link to this fic at the end of knifetrick :D #wow wow wow. im holding this close to my heart #fave #save #knifetrick #for me writing #writing #poetry

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

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Are intuitive extroverts less extroverted than sensor extroverts?

Hello!

First of all I would like to thank for the in-depth mbti analysis that you provide on this blog. I have read for 3 years now, I enjoy it very much!

I was thinking about the extroversion/introversion levels of the types and I was wondering if there was a difference between intuitive and sensor energy levels. If being a sensor means finding information in reality and extroversion gaining energy from the outside world, is it possible that the sensory/intuitive axis influences the extroversion/introversion axis?

So we would have from the most to the less extroverted: extrovert sensors -> extrovert intuitives -> introvert sensors -> introvert intuitives

Yes, but it also depends on the individual. I know an ENFJ who can't stand to be alone, she starts going crazy and desperately starts texting people just to feel connected. I know another ENFJ who is the opposite, who socializes for about five hours and is tired, then goes home and wants to be alone for the rest of the day. Then too, it depends on what activities we are talking about. Fe-doms get energized by people / connections / relationships, so they are more extroverted than ENP types, whose Ne swiftly gets drained by any interactions that don't require or stimulate Ne (create new ideas, perspectives, involve philosophical discussions, etc). N's need and want intellectual stimulation and without it, they soon tire -- because any social interaction, especially in a sensory environment, requires them to draw on their lower functions to socialize -- an ENFJ who can't be in Ni must use Fe/Se (tiring). An ENFP has to use Te to talk about things (tiring) or Si to be present in the moment (hard).

The type I identify with the most is ENFJ (ENFJ 2w1 so/sp, maybe 6 or 7 fix), previously self typed ENFP and I even have been typed as ESFP based on my behavior. I tend to live for my friends, family and social interactions (I fear solitude too) and I have usually a very busy life but I found myself needing time daydreaming and rest from social interactions. It came to a point where planning something caused me anxiety, but two days of daydreaming and chill with my roommates I'm right back on my feet. Hence my thoughts about the need of "in my head time" from intuitive extroverts.

To me, that sounds pretty extroverted, but needing "down time" in Ni is normal for an ENFJ. They like to recenter themselves after too much sensory stimulation (even so, "chill with my roommates" is still BEING AROUND PEOPLE, unlike an introvert who might disappear into their room for a week before they are ready to engage again).

Looking at myself, I am fairly introverted in terms of behavior. I can be around people for about four hours and then my energy burns out. I need to come home and recharge (by writing, reading, watching a movie, listening to music, or doing housework)... but after a couple of hours I am "recharged" and ready to socialize again, unless I really am super tired physically. I get super cranky if no one is around to chat with online, even though I live alone. Spending too much time alone puts me in a depressive state of mind, but I also don't want people all around me, talking to me, all the time. I have stuff I want to do, that requires me to focus on it, ALONE. (Someone once proposed we move in together so we could write books in the same room, and I was like HELL NO. I need an empty house to write, thanks.)

Introversion can be on a "sliding scale," but the difference is, after a few hours to recharge, the extrovert is ready and wants to engage again -- and the introvert is still recharging.

#question #mbti

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heich0e · 2 years

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i'm SO sorry i took so long but i had a lovely picnic w/ friends on saturday and between studying for finals n' weeping with the final episode of aot i really didn't know what to say about Percolate so as you can see i'm emotionally drained and fragile right now. i apologize in advance. and to all of your followers for this long ass ask.

first of all, it's been 8 months since I started reading Percolate. i think chapter 7 was recently dropped when i caught up with the story and ever since it's been such a rollercoaster ride waiting for new updates and witnessing how rookies and levi's relationship devolpe from something 'casual' to genuine love!

fun fact: I had to reread chapter 13 just to feel "in context" again lol.

so… chapter 14… *sigh* honestly i'm really struggling how to put into words how i felt while reading. you're writing does that to me every. single. time. ugh, i looooved that most of the chapter levi was all "fuck it, listen up I LOVE YOU" and rookie was like "¿¿¿???" HAJSBAKS, THAT GURL IS ICONIC. but my fav part obviously was after the little crisis, when rookie caught up with him and he hugged her once he noticed it was reciprocated I fucking melted because there's nothing better than boyfriend levi. :((( AND THEN THE AUDACITY OF GOING STRAIGHT INTO PDA WITH HER IN A ROOM FULL OF THEIR FRIENDS WAS SO AAAHKABSKAN91@($!# 💕💝💖💘💗💞

the last part… omg, i'm not even going to call it "smut" because that would be so fucking disrespectful of me when clearly that was a beautiful, passionate, intimate and slow love-making moment. i never cried so hard in my life.

“It was the first of so many new things—or rather the familiar situations that you were now facing in a new light, with a new dynamic between you. It was a rhythm you would slowly have to find your footing and fall into, but you were happy to learn the steps.”

this part moved something inside me, i liked the idea of them not charging anything just because they're dating but still giving it a try to start doing things the right way. the fact that you included sonnet 145 specifically… god you're a genius, Liv. You never get tired of leaving me dumbfounded, don'tcha? the meaning behind it... fuck, it's so beautiful.

it's silly feeling somewhat sad that Percolate has reached its end, because i know you're still going to be around writing and all, but i guess it's because something in this story will remain special to me until the end of times. i'm so proud of you, i don't think you'll ever know the amount of confort this gave me and as always, i thank you for sharing with us. i feel i have much more to say and if i could i would send you voice notes so that way you can hear my pathetic crying but this will have to do for now! Ilysm, Liv! you deserve all the forehead kisses in the world~ 😙

i'm a week away from a delicious two week vacations so i'm going to wait so i can catch up with some of your new pieces (to have and to hold has been seducing me for a while).

HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK, ANGEL! again, i'm so proud of you you beautiful thing! congrats on concluding Percolate, you've worked so hard! you're such an inspiration!🥳

kary this is the last ask in my percolate spoiler queue because you were the first person i remember coming off anon to gush about perc so it only felt right that you be the last one too :')

AHjdkhfsdkjhsldkj i don't know if anyone else has noticed but I've known from the VERY BEGINNING OF THE FIC that after all was said and done and all the cards were laid on the table that I wanted that little guy to get an actual HUG. HE DESERVES IT. It was important to me that a hug be the way that they sort of come together in the end rather than something more spicy bc it just felt right.

stop this genuinely made me so emotional, Kary. I am so so so so so endlessly grateful for you. Writing perc wasn't always easy but i swear to god i would have written 100 more chapters if it meant meeting the incredibly kind people this fic brought me all over again. i love you SOOOOOO very much!!

I HOPE YOUR PICNIC WAS DELICIOUS AND YOU ACED ALL YOUR FINALS AND YOUR VACATION HAS BEEN RELAXING AND FULFILLING AND ALL OF THE OTHER GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD FOR YOU. YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE IT.

#liv got mail #perc asks #perc spoilers #q

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somersetmummy · 3 years

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(A/N) This chapter takes place right at the beginning of the story, prior to TNA Chapter 1. Some characters property of Pixelberry.

Original characters: Katie Hide (MC), Jenny Blake

New characters: Lucinda Hansen

Rating/Content Warning: Mild adult language

Word count: 2005

Summary: MC Katie Hide is an English rose, living in New York. She’s down on her luck and desperately needs a job before her visa expires and she’s sent back to London. A chance conversation with a friend leads to an unlikely opportunity. Little did she know that one little interview would change the course of her life forever.

- Bonus social edits at the end -

Just like any other Thursday morning of recent weeks, Katie and Jenny were killing time together in their favourite coffee shop just down the street from their shared apartment. It had become Katie's haven and her go-to place when she wanted to lose herself for a few hours people watching, letting the stories of their lives unfold around her.

She'd always had a knack for paying attention to the details, noticing things which passed by most others. It was a skill she'd relied on heavily in her work, always giving her the edge, at least it had until the time it led to her downfall at Panacea Labs.

Katie had recently walked out of her job after piecing together a scheme under the radar to roll out a costly new drug for treating MS, despite there being multiple warning signs that it was ultimately ineffective but instead just masked the symptoms. Anyone else would've just glossed over the signs, not even noticing, but to Katie, the anomalies jumped off the page unmistakably. It was when she tried to escalate her concerns that she was shut down and her life in the lab made a misery by the VP, Declan Nash.

It hadn't taken long for her to realise that the company was more concerned about profits than actually helping people and she knew that the battle to fall in line and keep her job wasn't worth it. After calmly and quietly sending a company wide report on her findings, she gathered her things and walked out before she could be accosted by security. Little did she know that Nash had already been keeping tabs on her communications, in his eyes she was a trouble maker, and the report never saw the light of day.

Unfortunately for Katie, the current opportunities for young women in the biotech and pharmaceutical world just weren't what they should have been and she spent the next few weeks furiously searching for something else to avoid her work visa being revoked.

Having moved from London to attend the New York Institute of Technology and graduating with a Masters in Chemistry & Bio Engineering three years ago, she'd fallen in love with the city and the life she'd built. She didn't know exactly what the future held and couldn't put her finger on why, but she had a very strong feeling that she needed to stay in New York.

Today, Katie had planned to work through all the job adverts remotely relating to her experience and qualifications, with Jenny on hand to offer moral support. Tiring quickly of hitting one brick wall after another, they'd long forgotten the laptop and instead had spent the last 30 minutes idly chatting about Jenny’s upcoming gallery event when Lucinda arrived, phone to her ear, her body tense and voice sharp as she wrapped up a call with her boss.

"Of course I've got someone Angela, I wouldn't put my name in the mix if I didn't. My candidate is going to blow the others out of the water, I just know Mr Dalton will be impressed....no not just impressed, he'll be awestruck..."

While waiting for her to wrap up her call, Katie heads to the counter to order Lucinda a much needed coffee and returns to place it down in front of her just as she hangs up. She tosses her phone onto the table and slumps back in her chair, defeated.

Jenny stares her down waiting for an explanation which she and Katie both know Lucinda desperately wants to give but is holding off for dramatic effect.

After a long sip of coffee and a moment of holding her head in her hands she finally exhales.

"I am so SO SCREWED."

Katie and Jenny share a look before returning their attention to Lucinda.

"I've just promised my boss that I have the perfect candidate for some billionaire business man's nanny position....." She glares at them both as if they should understand why that's a problem. "I never touch these sorts of jobs, I only ever look for candidates in finance, nannying isn't worth my time."

Katie chooses her words carefully, knowing how Lucinda can bite back pretty quickly when she's stressed. Speaking softly, cautious not to poke the bear, she looks Lucinda in the eye and internally braces herself for whatever might come next.

"So what made this one so different?"

Fortunately Lucinda seems to finally be relaxing, she replies more quietly.

"Filling this position will put me on the map, nobody in the firm has been able to secure someone for this guy, they only seem to last a few weeks before they quit so the sign on bonus never kicks in. If I could find the perfect person I wouldn't only get a great bonus, I'd be next in line for promotion to Senior Head-hunter."

Her demanding demeanour melts away and she's left looking almost vulnerable. Something Katie knows Lucinda doesn't find at all comfortable.

"Anyway, I'll figure it out, I always do."

She gives Katie and Jenny a soft smile, allowing herself to momentarily forget about her woes so she can refocus the attention back to them.

"So what were you guys talking about before I came in?"

As Katie opens her mouth to speak Jenny cuts in on her behalf.

"Oh Katie's just been trying to work out how to get a job before her visa renewal date comes up in a couple of weeks."

Katie lets out a sigh of her own, suddenly remembering how dire her employment prospects are and feeling equally as defeated as Lucinda.

"I can't believe I've worked so hard for my degree, I found the perfect job in the perfect city but now it's all gone down the drain and I'm going to have to go back home and never see you all again."

Jenny wraps her arm around Katie's shoulders, pulling her close. "Oh come on, like you'd be able to shake us off. Even if you are in another country!"

As suddenly as Lucinda dramatically entered the coffee shop she slams her hand onto the table making the others jump.

"THAT'S IT!" She cries, her idea almost exploding out of her. "This is just too perfect...."

Katie and Jenny share a confused look before turning back to Lucinda who is practically foaming at the mouth, clearly onto something, though they're not quite sure what.

"You need a job, I need a candidate." She says in her signature matter of fact style.

Katie still has no idea where Lucinda's going with this.

"It's win win. I'll put you forward for the nanny position, you'll get a great job which means you get to stay in New York, I'll get my bonus. Not to mention I'll look like a damn superhero at work!"

The cogs start to turn in Katie's brain as she begins to digest what Lucinda is proposing.

"But I'm not a nanny....and what about my visa, it's only valid for work in relation to my degree."

Lucinda waves her hand at her, dismissing her concerns. "No problem there then. This guy's family owns one of the biggest Biotech companies in the country, surely that's related to your degree? He's so desperate for a successful match I'll make sure the visa thing is part of the contract."

She cuts back in quickly just as Katie opens her mouth to object.

"And as for you not being a nanny, what about all those times in the lab when you had to pull rank and sort out the shit that went down between your useless colleagues? You've done more nannying of adults in the last two years than most actual nanny's do in their whole career with children."

Jenny suddenly chimes in "OH MY GOD, this is genius!"

Defeated, Katie turns to look at Jenny in disbelief. She may have had a chance saying no to just Lucinda but with Jenny on board with this idea as well she may as well give up now.

"This will solve both your problems, I mean come on, who wouldn't want to work for this guy..."

Jenny turns her phone to Katie, clearly having been searching while she and Lucinda were talking. On the screen Katie sees the most devastatingly handsome man she's ever come across. He's nothing like the guys she'd known before, this person, was a real man and the sight of him caused her stomach to flip.

While undeniably handsome, it's not just the physical attraction that she's drawn to. Her eyes move to the company bio underneath his headshot and in true Katie style, she scans all of the accolades and achievements the company has to boast about. Her mind races at the possibilities. There's no mistaking that working for this man could open the door to so many opportunities and experiences in the future.

With a sigh she resigns herself to the fact that Lucinda might actually be on to something, this could be the break Katie had been waiting for and would certainly solve her imminent visa problems if she could get it taken care of as part of the contract negotiations.

With a silent nod and slight shrug of the shoulders, she begrudgingly agrees, much to the delight of her friends who squeal at each other in delight. Lucinda immediately pushes her shoulders back, standing to attention, furiously beginning to type on her phone.

"You TA'd for your old professor right?"

"Yes, I did a year as their assistant after graduating. Mainly doing research and going to conferences with her."

Lucinda's eyes never leave her phone as she works her magic, spinning Katie's words into an impressive resume. After a moment she raises her eyebrows and flits her eyes over to Katie, a small gesture which Katie realises is an invitation to elaborate.

"Oh, yeah so that's actually how I got into Panacea Labs, I met a rep at one of those conferences."

Jenny rolls her eyes at the mention of Katie's old company, now affectionately known by them both as Pariah Labs. Despite what she felt about Katie's previous employer, she was immensely proud of Katie's achievements and wanted to make sure they were included.

"Weren't you the youngest lab boss thingy they'd ever had?"

"Senior lab technician." Katie corrects, knowing full well that Jenny hasn't got a clue about the finer details of her work. "Well, yeah eventually, after two years of working my butt off. But I hardly think they'd rave about that in any reference they give me. If they even give one to begin with..."

Lucinda waves a dismissive hand at her.

"With this resume, you won't need any reference from those bastards. Trust me."

Katie had no idea what Lucinda had written or how she'd managed to spin her experience to be more favourable for a nanny position but it must've worked because half an hour later Lucinda slammed her hand down on the table once again, causing everyone around them to jump out of their skin.

"YES! It worked...he wants to see you, you've got an interview tomorrow at the Dalton Enterprises headquarters".

She turns her phone to Jenny to show off the email and they fall into an animated conversation, no doubt planning how they're all going to celebrate once Katie inevitably gets offered the job. As they fall into a blur in the background, Katie looks back over the picture of Sam Dalton on Jenny's phone, not quite sure how she can be so hypnotised by someone through a photograph.

There's something about him which feels familiar, something drawing her in. It's almost as if they're viewing each other through a looking glass and she wonders whether in this exact moment he is feeling the same magnetic pull towards her, a stranger whom he hasn't even met yet. Tearing her eyes away from the phone, Katie's tries to steady the stream of unanswered questions flooding her mind and focus on how she's going to win this man over.

"Here goes nothing."

TAG List: @shewillreadyou @chemist-ana @txemrn @silma-words @thefrenchiemama @secretaryunpaid @sfb123

- Bonus - pre-interview pep talk with the girls -

#the nanny affair #fanfic #tna #choices

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sunkissedchldrecon · 3 years

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hiii I read ur recent post on how u couldn't engage and life has been pointless for u lately. I honestly feel the same :/, it does make sense bcs it feels like I'm existing but it's very hard to come out from my own head space. I feel like a terrible person because my energy drained very quickly and I just don't want to engage into a convo simply bcs I feel really tired to do so. I feel selfish but I can't help it. :(. I lost alot of people.I can't stay focus for gods sake. I don't feel heavy emotions I just feel empty, numb.. Its like the thoughts are running into my head at 300km/h but the moment I try typing it down or even writing bcs uk shadow work and some stuff-my mind becomes blank. anyways, ur not alone :( im sending u warm hugs, I hope you will feel better eventually!.

here's a picture of an otter to make u smile :)

omggg opening the pictures put an instant smile on my face ty for the otters 💛💛💛 (otters are so cute and make cute noises lmao)

i totally felt the racing thoughts and then having nothing to write down. sometimes i wish my thoughts would go away entirely cause at least then i’d have some quiet 💀

it’s comforting to know that everyone finds life hard. we’re getting through it. i promise (even if it’s hard to believe)

#sun talks #ask #anonnies

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dxmedstudent · 6 years

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Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1

Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.

Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need

Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never. Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey. I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.

Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it. However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across. As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.

#ask dx #askdx #mental health and medicine

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ghostie-hoe · 7 years

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I'm struggling. I can't save myself

To be brutally honest with you, I’m struggling. I’m struggling with finding a purpose, I’m struggling with staying alive, I’m struggling with self deprecating image, insecurity, neglect, loss and heartache. And I don’t understand why. Why was this all worth all the pain? Why give up on someone you love? Why? My heart is heavy all the time, I can’t eat, food won’t go down. I spend the nights and the mornings throwing up it’s as if my feelings just want to escape my body in the form of sick. My head feels like I have a house balanced on top of it, pushing my forehead down, it feels heavy and hard to hold. My family tell me I look awfully exhausted, and I’m functioning on minimal hours due to my terrifying hallucinations, and waking up to puke up my heart, but I don’t feel physically tired. Emotionally drained? YES. All I want to do is slash my skin with the cold blade, allowing the blood to dribble down my skin, replacing my heartache with a new pain. All I want is to take my life away and I understand that that would end everything from my aching heart, to my physical pain. But I also understand that I’d be leaving behind people who care, however that doesn’t even make me want to be alive. This person isn’t the only reason for me wanting to die, I have a list of pros and cons of staying alive or killing myself and the list to kill myself is very much longer. This person may be the trigger, but they aren’t the whole or full reason. However, they were my reason to stay alive, they made all the hardships just a little bit easier, they made life worth living and I don’t want to live in a world where I exist outside of theirs. I’d rather be gone. Is it selfish to commit suicide? Maybe but sometimes it feels like the only option. My suicidal thoughts are so overwhelming I’ve actually had to tie my arms behind my back at night to make sure I don’t act on them. This has made my search history very depressing and concerning; What does an overdose feellike? How do I know I’m dying? That kind of thing. I’ll be honest, the thought of dying terrifies me to no end. Will my lungs give out and I’ll feel my heart rate slow down til it’s at an eternal pause? Will I see a white light and be surrounded by the people I love? Is there a state of panic? Is it peaceful or a fight for breath? And most importantly, will I even succeed? I’ve failed at suicide attempts in the past and I’m glad I did because I’d have never experienced a love like ours, I’d never have met this person and been lucky enough to love them and be loved by them. I’d never have reached eighteen and made these incredible friends. I feel satisfied with leaving the world, without leaving a significant mark on it, because maybe I’ll leave a mark on people I loved who loved me. I feel satisfied leaving knowing I’ve experienced what real love feels because I’ve loved this person. I know that that’s it I’m just gone. But I’m okay with that, not being able to come back. If there’s a heaven, I’ll be up there watching my best friend finally be happy like she deserves, watching Megan finally get Emily as she taught for so long, I’ll finally see my Mum get married and be happy. I’ll see Tristan succeed without me. At first, it’ll be hard without me, but I know that eventually, they’ll be able to move on with their lives, and I’ll be in Their hearts always. I have a lot of love for the people in my life and I’m greatful for knowing them. Chloe has helped me through so much, she’s my backbone who always always held me when my heart was hurting. I’m so lucky to have known such an incredible person. Melissa is one of the most thoughtful people I know. She stayed up all night with me scared that I’d do something to myself. She offered me support and sent me sweet messages. Megan has been amazing throughout this whole time, We’ve bonded over fighting for the people we love and writing together. She’s one of the only people who understand what I’m going though at the minute. Tristan, Tristan is the most incredible person I’ve ever met in my entire life, I want more than anything to make him feel as special as he is. He deserves ultimate happiness as this is what he has given me. My mum, we had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day she will always fight for me when nobody else will. She has held me for the past few days, I’ve even opted to get into her bed at night because mine feels so isolated; He’s been there. He’s been in my bed. And when I’m alone I spiral.

The hallucinations have gotten worse recently, my mind won’t let me rest no matter how hard I try. I’m waking up all the time and hearing and seeing things; Him, and other things. I even passed out from pain yesterday. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m struggling and I can’t save myself

#depression #lost love #break up #heartache #ptsd #suicide #suicidal thoughts #heartbreak #insecurities

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followtheyellow-brick-road · 5 years

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My picks first week of April 2019 part 4/4

Ok final part!

This part is called: Life (cuz i couldn't think of a creative title)

things I've been doing this past week in my life that I love.

1. Yoga

Comic on left is another favorite of mine : it's by a person called C. Cassandra. Lots of funny relatable comics by her!

The comic on right I just found a few mins ago called: EVA comics from browsing a few they all look pretty funny and again relatable 😊

Anyway I've been doing lots of yoga, i find it to be a great way to relax, unwind and stretch out lol I'm a pretty anxious person and by going to yoga once a week it gets me to get focused and relaxed so i really enjoy it!

2. Working out.

It's been about 6 months since I started working out at a gym. The reason i started working out was not to loose weight (I've always despite lack of exercise been able to maintain an average weight so it's never been an issue for me), i started exercising to get more energized and healthier (i found myself feeling tired and drained too easily so i wanted to improve that). Before going to gym i was a typical little to no exercise kind of girl! I'd take my dog out for walks but I haven't seriously dedicated time each week to working out since highschool (which has been a number of years) and since working out 6 months i do see some results but more importantly i feel a whole lot better! More energized throughout day and just feeling great! Seriously take it from someone who never went to gym due to being very clutzey, extremely uncoordinated, and a person who found it actually hard to work out vigorously without feeling completely wiped out. Now I'm able to do 3 regular gym classes per week and I'm able to do my high intensity class without feeling like I'm going to pass out lol

3. Been trying out a bunch of local shops/cafés in my hometown

I love trying out new places ESPECIALLY cafés!!😍 My hometown recently got a bunch new cool local shops and CAFÉS! i just love the easy going atmosphere to sit down drink cup of coffee, listen to local music...it's just a perfect way to spend an evening or afternoon in my opinion anyways lol plus i love supporting local business when i can❤️

Ok that's the end of part 4/4 for my picks first week of April 2019..next week likely won't be as long but who knows..anyways until next time...keep fit and have fun! (a body break reference for you 90's kids lol)

#yoga #c cassandra comics #eva comics #working out #going to gym #support local #cafés #mypicksapril2019 #mypicks2019 #body break #evacomics

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thegodgaze · 4 years

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Devil Like Me

You've ruined all my fantasies...because you proved to be their reality, that I would find myself finally understanding what the end of all this longing looked like - I'm nearly...offended. Offense presents itself because of the outcome and it's not like I can just undo this at any time or...not even like I should. I don't like this feeling but I barely understand it. It'd be so easier to be of one mind, whether in full on tireless love or overgrown distaste, but as my truth I cannot suffer either of these. It's not even in between them, it's leaning right a bit, enough that all that warmth in memory doesn't come with brain melting flashbacks.

Everyone around me stays with their transgressor. Once again, I'm an unhappy anomaly for the grand scheme. There's a load of big talk, a moment of quiet resolution, or many of them, then the revert - because there isn't enough time in a life to waste it being alone, or some absolute bollocks I can't possibly fathom.

"Just wait...you'll see...and when you heal-"

Go fuck yourself. I've spent over a decade feeling like my word, my truth, my intuition aren't worth shit - so much self loathing, I don't expect anyone to comprehend. Anytime I see a pretty face, all I got left to say is "Wow...that's just looks like a lot of fucking work I don't want to deal with."

"But whoever she might be, she'll come around and you won't have to put any wo-"

It just makes me want to die. The lines, the rules, the considerations, the tenets of basic human decency that aren't always followed but always expected of me, the lies, the double speak, the secrets, the fears, the signs of malicious intent that are often confusable for things conveniently harmless, my overactive paranoid mind wrestling with a completely separate overactive paranoid mind - it gives me the shakes and everyone...every one...is like this. People just aren't straight with each other, and when they are, no one believes them. I'm fucking guilty of it myself - but lo and behold... they just go back to it. For all the times my brother proclaimed that I was a dog returning to lap up his own vomit; he can't turn that abuser away. Tried to cut it off and wound up coming right back - what fuckery is that? For all her insight, my mother intends to stay with the very thing making so miserable, something she fought so hard to get just to realize that it's much worse than what she left...way too late. These bickerings between these gals, small conflicts over little things masking larger problems, that resistance to change and the herald for it...despite the drain she takes her back, and this hasn't even been the first time.

Communication is key and cutting people off is bad - I spent nearly a decade trying to unbind myself from someone, and it proved effective, but anyone looking in would think I failed. There's a sustained heartbeat in the idea that none of these parameters matter, and the meaning most cherished and beloved is the one that notices how bright the sunset has gotten this evening. I didn't come back here because I always meant to, I didn't really do it for her either - the squid just has a few perspectives that I vibe with and I'm thinking her circle will have more angles like hers. Just some people that might be able to transcend my hopeful expectations and it could mean I actually have people now.

It has the least to do with the faces, and more to work with the spirit moving through these halls right now.

But I can't stop thinking about how you ruined my fantasies. I guess its not a question of if you were worthy of pulling it off, but just a confusion as to how, nonetheless. I guess it's still soon, still recent - how I'd never tire of coming home to you, of hearing that voice, and good god, that laugh.

"What do you care to die for, what do you care to die for..."

Just a handful of those memories alone push me to wonder if I'm an idiot for not following along with everyone else, but I didn't pull any of it off with the intent of going back. I knew my weaknesses, and planned accordingly, and now that life blocked off. Sure its all rosy now, but she just really shouldn't be wasting time on someone who could only give her a half measure, not by circumstance or timing, but by function - I just didn't feel for her like she needed me to. I loved the way she addressed me and loved me and supported me, but all of that is a separate thing from the person herself. I don't have any logical reasons for it, I just don't feel it and its... its been incredibly infuriating against myself for how long and how hard I tried to make that change in me.

"What do you care to die for..."

It's a question I have to keep asking.

I guess...right now, is that I keep me and these beautiful people I've had the honor to get to know... alive. We could all be together...in...some fantasy, not...like that...but just a little village where strange and delightful people go to feel not so bad about it all. Its not the fantasy I started mentioning here, but...I guess when I said its been ruined - it's not necessarily a bad thing.

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wendydarlingflies · 7 years

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Hello! My anxiety has been on for almost three weeks now and it's horrible.. I've been to the doctor and called 4. They all say that I'm healthy. But I keep thinking that I have cancer or something much worse. I tense up so much that it's hurting my muscles and I can barely make myself eat.. I've lost weight because of the anxiety. It's hard trying to tell yourself that "You're okay" but when I finally manage to say that the anxiety jumps right back on and says "What if it's leukemia" 😢

Hi there Sukinei, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this at the moment 😞 I know how tough health-related anxiety is because it always seems like exterior reassurance is wrong, yeah? My first tip (in general) would be to not google symptoms- and I know you’ve probably been told that before but it really does help. I woke up with an unusually blinding headache this morning and I immediately went to reach for my phone to google symptoms- but I didn’t, and the headache has gone away (it was probably just tension.)

As soon as you accept that your symptoms could be something life-threatening, you sort of affirm it to your body, and that makes them worse. Your brain is wonderfully, and sometimes not-so-wonderfully, powerful- and it can do all sorts of uncomfortable things to you, none of which will harm you. It’s really difficult to rationalise it but it’s a case of saying ‘well okay, maybe I DON’T feel okay, but the chance of it being stress, which I am prone to(!), over something life-threatening is pretty high.’

In relation to the eating, I’d suggest that your focused worry on it is keeping it going, giving it fuel. Of course, this focus is perfectly understandable, it’s pretty scary when your body starts rejecting food- BUT at the moment your body is obviously pretty stressed out, and this releases cortisol and all sorts of other lovely chemicals into your bloodstream which often repress hunger (they’re totally safe and natural.) As long as this hasn’t been going on for too long, and isn’t making you faint/lose huge amounts of weight, I’d try and ride it out. Recently I went through some pretty intense personal stresses and I didn’t eat properly either for about 2 weeks and it is really unsettling… but you keep going, your body can handle it, trust it.

In the meantime, distract. I imagine you don’t feel like doing anything too physical because you’re pretty tired after all the stress, but honestly- even if you can just walk around the block, getting air in your lungs will be good for your body, getting light on your face will be good for your soul.

I don’t know what your personal hobbies are but I always find that doing physically creative things help take my mind off things. Reading/TV/etc. is great but it’s all quite passive, and it’s all very… up there, in your head. The goal when you can’t stop obsessing over things is to get out of your head. Make something, bake a cake, buy some playdoh (that’s what I did- it smells amazing.) Anything that’s going bring you beyond the confines of your own mind is going to be extraordinarily helpful to you, and you’ll probably find that your symptoms will entirely disappear while you’re distracted- making it easier for you to put less emphasis on their severity.

Obviously, disclaimer- if you do have an underlying health issue I’m not a doctor, but the doctors you mentioned all seem pretty convinced to me. I’d trust them- they’re generally pretty good at what they do, they have to be.

Sorry this is a bit of an essay, but I hope it helps, and I hope you don’t mind if a publish it publicly because it may well help others. Mental health problems are like vampires, they’ll drain you the longer they’re kept in the dark, so it’s our job to shed some light on them, yeah?

Feel free to message me again if you want to, we’re all fighting this battle together, and sometimes is easy to forget that.

All the best X

#hypochondria #anxiety help #❤

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