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miyaniacs · 4 years

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ignorance is a bliss pt.1

Atsumu angst ( pt. 2 ) ( pt.3)

warnings: angst? mentioning of possible cheating

a/n : I was just in the mood for some angst and you all voted for Atsumu and a fluff ending - the fluff will be at the end of pt.2 - sorry but I want to keep the tension up haha, pt.2 will be mostly of his point of view. Sorry this is kind of trashy thoooo

Tell me if you wanna be tagged for the second part tho :)

masterlist

The sun is long gone, the lights of the night illuminating the room. You star at the plate in front of you, your appetite gone just like the sun. Three hours. You already waited three hours for him to come back home. He told you he’ll be coming straight home after practice. At least that’s what his last message said. Your phone lights up. The light shining from your screen let the tears on your face sparkle like small diamonds.

“Sorry, still helping Yuki with her serves - don’t wait for me”

Of course it’s her again.

Is he too blind? Too blind to see that all the “can you help me with volleyball” is just so she can spent time with him? Or does he know. Does he know and that’s why he’s always helping her? Volleyball is Atsumu’s passion, his true love. He and Yuki share this love - other than you and Atsumu do. Sure you always supported him. But volleyball wasn’t the sport you grew up with. Was he tired of this? Has he now understood how much better it would be if his girlfriend has the same passion as him?

Your phone already locked itself again. Once more the room is dark, occasionally lighted up by the lights of the cars or some green and red.

The tears keep streaming down your face as you think of the past four weeks.

It all started when Yuki came up to him one day after practice asking him if he could show her some stuff, since she has an upcoming match and wasn’t feeling at her best. You haven’t thought anything about it. You were actually glad that he accepted and helped her, being the egoistic ass he is - it wasn’t save if he’d agree.

You accepted all those times he came home late, it was just until her match finished right?

Well two days after the match, he still came home late at night, telling you constantly that you should already eat and not wait for him, that he’ll grab something with Yuki after practice. The past two weeks, you haven’t even seen him once. You aren’t even sure if he slept in the same bed as you the past nights.

Whenever you went to bed, he wasn’t there, neither have you felt his arms sneaking around your body at night, his face nuzzling in your neck, pressing small kisses on your shoulder before he pulls you tighter into him and drifting off to sleep.

The next morning, there were also no signs of him. Sometimes there’s a used coffee mug in the sink, signaling you that he was in fact home - at least for a few hours? Or minutes? Was he just coming home in the morning to change his clothes?

Your phone lights up again.

“Hey, I’ll crash at Yuki’s again. Sorry see ya tomorrow babe.”

Again?

So you’re right. He hasn’t been home. He stayed at hers... for how many nights? Only two? Or already five?

Sure she’s beautiful, always friendly and shares the same passion as him.

But would he really do this?

Cheat on you?

Have you ignored all the red flags the past weeks? Was it that obvious that he did?

Thinking back at it - she did seem more like his girlfriend the past weeks as you did. Always by his side, hands touching his arms, playfully hitting his chest, his arm around her shoulder... while you just stand there awkwardly next to them.

You did comfort him once about this topic. All he said was, that you should stop being so jealous and that she’s just a friend. He asked you to be his girlfriend, he was the one suggesting to move in together a few months ago. He never gave you a reason to make you doubt yourself.

Yet everyone warned you about him.

All yours and his friends, even his brother did. They all told you that it’s a wonder that he hasn’t lost interest yet. That he even chose to ask you out in the first place, since he’s just always focused on volleyball. But you accepted all of this. You accepted not being his first choice, always coming behind volleyball.

Today was enough though. All the tears you cried today, finally overflowed the barrel.

On shaking legs and a blurry vision you get up and walk to your shared bedroom. You place your suite case on the bed and open the door to your closet. Slowly you start packing your clothes. With each T-Shirt, each pullover, each jeans, your heart breaks a bit more.

You stop. This sweatshirt. It was his, well it was yours now he gave it to you on your first date, because you being your clumsy self lost your jacket. He told you to keep it , that way he has a reason to see you again. Well and you kept it until that day. You sink down on your knees, hugging the piece of clothing, hoping it would give you the same comfort Atsumu always gave you with his hugs. His hugs always calmed you down, left you feeling save and protected, you knew everything will be okay, because he’s with you. You hide your face in the soft fabric, by now you can’t keep the tears back anymore.

You wake up, curled up in a ball, still on the floor with the sweatshirt in your arms. You quickly check the time - 4am. You wipe away the leftovers of your tears and get up, determined to end what you started a few hours ago.

Gently you take the sweatshirt and fold it, placing it on the bed. You take a pice of paper and start writing :

Atsumu, when you read this I’m already gone. Please continue your life, give your best in your games, I’ll still be supporting you from afar. I realized there isn’t enough space for me in your life. Yet you found the time for Yuki,..., I hope you continue to find the time for her and don’t start to ignore her at some point like you did with me.

You place the paper on the sweatshirt and pack all the stuff your needed in your suite case, grabbed the your purse and left.

At 9am you arrived at your parents house.

It’s been almost three weeks since you left.

Yet there haven’t been one call nor text from him. No that wasn’t right, there was one small message

I’ll leave for the training camp now, miss you see you afterwards.

Five days after you left he was supposed to attend a training camp for two weeks, which he did attend and judging by the message it seems he hasn’t read the letter you wrote him. Which in conclusion means that he hasn’t stayed in your shared apartment for just one night.

No one knew you left besides your family and Osamu. Neither of them questioned your decision in the slightest.

Today was the day he should be coming back from the camp.

Today is also your aunts birthday. Right now you’re at the kitchen helping to get all the needed stuff out to the garden.

“Y/n!!” Your mum called, “ You’re phone keeps on vibrating - oh I think someone’s calling you now.”

“Ca- Can you check the ID?” You stutter scream back.

You almost dropped the plates in your hands as you hear her answer. “It says ‘Tumu”

“Just hang up.” You answer firmly.

You won’t let him ruin this day.

You walked back outside and placed the plates on the table.

Your phone keeps vibrating and vibrating. You glance at the messages showing on the lockscreen

“Y/N?!”

“Please answer me”

“I just found your letter - let me explain”

“I never did anything with Yuki besides playing volleyball... well and hanging out with her .. but I never - I could ne”

“Baby ... baby please answer my calls”

“At leaset tell me where you are? I’m worried about you”

“Are you Save?”

“Baby please. I love you”

You stopped reading the message, blinking a few times you tried holding back your tears. Now he’s worried about you? Now after all those weeks of ignoring you?

He hasn’t realized you left before he went to the training camp. And even during those two weeks he hasn’t even sent you one message, neither a good morning nor a good night text. Is it too much to expect your boyfriend to message you just once? To think about you while he’s away and feeling the need to talk to you? To contact you?

Well apparently it is.

But who are you playing?

He hasn’t thought of you all those weeks before, why should he do it during his training camp?

“Y/n?” You mum waves her hand in front of your face, you blink a few times and look around. “Yes?” You ask confused.

“Are you okay?” Your aunt asks you. “Yeah, yeah, sorry I was just spacing out.” You answer and force a smile.

“Y/n.” Your mum sighs, “shouldn’t you answer him?”

“No.” You answer coldly, “but mum, could you help me getting the rest of my stuff on Sunday?”

“... why Sunday?” Your cousin asks.

“He has a game on Sunday, so he won’t be at the apartment” you chuckle coldly, “not that he was there the past weeks.”

“Are you sure you shouldn’t talk with him ab-“ your aunt begins but you quickly interrupted her “No and I don’t want to discuss this any further. He ignored me the past WEEKS, ditching me for some other girl all the time. He hasn’t even realized I left those 5 days before the camp. Meaning he wasn’t even staying at the apartment during the time, probably staying at Yuki’s again because ‘training got longer and they grabbed something to eat and he just crashed at hers for the night’.” Your voice started to shake again and tears form in your eyes.

You can’t get this imagine out of your head. Him and her. Cuddled up under a blanket on the couch. The arms that normally held you, wrapped around her. He’s laughing and smiling, resting his chin at her shoulder. He’s peppering kisses on her neck, jaw and face. Then his lips met hers.

Your lips start shaking and you feel tears running down your cheeks.

“I’m sorry I - I’ll be back.” You quickly get up and walk inside locking yourself up in the bathroom.

You sink down on your knees. The imagine of him and Yuki is still hunting you. His hands on her body. His lips on her skin, that’s supposed to be you and not her. He was supposed to spent all this time with you. He was supposed to hold you in his arms at night, to kiss you, to pull you ontop of him, to run his hands through your hair while he rants about his day.

But in your head, he’s doing all those things with her. Was he telling the truth? Or are the things, hunting your dreams for the past weeks, true? Was he actually cheating on you with her?

Grabbing the sink you pulled yourself up and look into the mirror.

Your eyes were puffy and red, lips plumb and reddened from biting down on them to stop your self from crying to hard. You turn on the water, waiting for it to get ice cold. You let it run through your finger until you put your hands together and splash some of the water in your face. Again and again and again.

“You can do this. You are strong and you don’t need him to feel good. You can do it without him. You can learn how to.” You prep talk yourself.

You grabbed your phone and wrote down the the words that broke your still shattered heart even more.

“It’s too late now. I’ll get the rest of my stuff on Sunday during your game so you don’t have to see me anymore. Goodbye Atsumu.”

Tears form in your eyes again and your body starts shaking.

You want this right? This is the right thing to do? Shouldn’t you give him a chance to explain everything? No. No you waited long enough. You already cried enough tears. That is what you want. This is what you need. This is how it should be.

Yet. Why does the thought of loosing him makes your heart arch?

It hurts so much you feel like crying out in pain.

You see the three dots moving, showing you that Atsumu was typing. You’re quick to turn your phone off again.

You made you’re decision.

There is no way he can convince you otherwise now.

You unlock the bathroom door and step outside, forcing a smile on your face.

Yet your eyes are showing how you truly feel.

Broken.

general tag list (open) : @brokeyiam

#haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu oneshot #atsumu imagines #atsumu scenarios #atsumu headcanons #atsumu x reader #haikyuu angst #atsumu x y/n

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melonsmessymusings · 3 years

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Things myself/girlfriend have said that radiate BtVS characters’ energy... P1

My girlfriend and I went through our camera rolls and found a load of videos that inexplicably radiate the same energy as BtVS characters. I’ve included our suggestions (after some debate) as to who but others are left blank because we couldn’t agree or it could apply to multiple. Any suggestions are more than welcomed...

Oz: Have you ever thought 'damn, I wish that was the flooring in my house?'

"If I get up I'll die..."

Buffy: Highlight of my day... dying.

“Under a blanket with fuckin' Netflix on, my little vegan smoothie thing and cuddly penguin. Life is whack.”

Xander: I was literally standing by the door, trying to unlock it for like ten minutes and I realised I was on the wrong floor.

Xander: *Pterodactyl Screech* Giles: I'm fairly positive I asked you not to do that.

Faith: Me sitting on the floor in a Premier Inn trying not to throw up? Buffy: Yeah. Faith: Yeah, that's everything I dreamed my life could and should be.

Anya: We are not paying money to fuckin' sober up! I'm fucking sick of this!

Anya: So we pretended to go over then dived back under the table. And then like I was like, 'come with me I'm scared’ cos he seemed creepy but I want a free drink. Then she was like, 'no way, I'm too scared' and we just stayed under the table for the rest of the night. That's how she saved me from getting murdered, but I didn't get a free drink so I kind of wish she’d let me get killed.

Cordelia: 'Breakfast was like 215 calories', bitch please, that coffee itself is Dunkin' Doughnut coffee...

"*Sat in the car eating a McFlurry with 'Someone you Loved' by Lewis Capaldi blaring* What a day..."

Dawn: Can I have Taco's dipped in Ice-cream? Giles: No.

Buffy: *Laughing at someone else crying* mood.

Joyce: I'm signing you up to God! Buffy: I don't want to be!

Giles: There's no set way of doing it but you know... the fact it works...

"I'm wearing nothing but my hot pink boxers and a weighted blanket. It’s November which means it’s essentially the Arctic out here. And now there's 300 other randos staring at me like I'm the one out of place? Look at that cow over there, she’s wearing a Travelodge curtain! I’m not the one that set the fucking fire alarm off at 4am because I forgot to cover the smoke detector while smoking a fat joint!"

Giles: Straight out of the bottle it must be because I can’t be arsed to get up again for a glass. Let’s save some washing up tomorrow morning when I want to curl up and die.

Jenny: *Making a grilled cheese sandwich in a frying pan* *Holds up a slotted spoon* I don't have a spatula... [it'll] be alright.

Buffy: *tries to handspring off a wall* *fails miserably* Giles: This is why you should use my exercises you buffoon. Now look, you’ve broken your leg. Muppet.

Giles: *aggressively flips page* I can't even read it, it's in a weird language that I've literally never seen before. Jenny: *looks at book* It's French, you're fluent in French. Giles: Am I? Must’ve forgotten it then. Jenny: You... I... how can you forget a whole language? What's wrong with you? Giles: Alphabetically or chronologically?

Xander: Guess I'll have to roll away *rolls into a wall* I can no longer roll.

Buffy: Are you sure you know what I’m meant to be doing? Giles: No, but whatever happens is out of my hands and in yours.

Spike: *Running across the grass* The sun is burning my translucent complexion!

Willow: *sees a dog* It's so sweet! Buffy: Unlike the creature that lives under the bed. Tara: I thought that was your sister?

As Saturday night activities go, this was great fun and very nostalgic because some of these things happened many, many moons ago and were really humiliating at the time and others were literally the other day so it’s nice to see that although the world has gone to shit, we’re the same pair of weirdos that we were when we were 15. :)

#btvs #buffy summers #xander harris #willow rosenberg #rupert giles #buffy the vampire slayer #there is video evidence of all of these events which is scary #on an upside it gave me like 50 new prompts for fics

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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What would you tell to your eighth grade self? Keep the friends you have. Also, stop hair spraying your bangs and making them stiff--it’s not cute.

What did your last text message read? “Thnx, and yes I got his text.” --My Nana.

Something you really want right now? Coffee and food.

Will you regret your next kiss? Uh, I hope not? Who knows when that will even be, though.

Do you like how things are going? No.

Are you a cuddler? Not really to be honest.

What are you doing tonight? Same stuff as always. My aunt ended up staying another night, but I think she’s going home tonight.

Three months ago, can you remember who you liked? I wasn’t interested in anyone 3 months ago. It’s been a few years, actually.

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? No. We never were.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? I mean, I certainly didn’t envision wasting away after graduating college almost 6 years ago now.

Is a best friend pissing you off right now? No.

What color was the last pill you took? White.

Do you believe “drunken words are sober thoughts”? Sometimes. Sometimes it’s just nonsense.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? My aunt. We’ve had a lot of deep conversations these past few days that she’s been staying with us. She and I are very close and she’s someone who easily opens up and shares a lot. I’m definitely more of the listener, but still.

Have you hung out with any guys recently? My brother.

How tall are you? About 5′4.

Who will you be with this Friday? Today is Friday and I’ll be with my family. As of now, my aunt is here as well but I think she’s going home tonight.

Last time you laughed really hard? I’ve laughed a lot these past few days with my aunt. More so than I have in awhile.

What are you currently listening to? Myself typing and my TV.

Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with, apart from family? My doctor.

Have you ever wasted too much time on a guy/girl? I don’t consider it time wasted despite things not working out. What are you looking forward to? Right now, I’m thinking about eating lol.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope.

A lyric from the song you’re listening to? I’m not listening to music.

What was the last thing you and your parents argued about? We last bickered a bit about some stuff I was being stubborn about and should have been doing regarding health related things but I wasn’t.

Would you tattoo someone’s name on your body? No.

Have you ever let someone be your everything? Yes.

Do you bite your nails? I don’t bite them, but I pick them and use nail clippers constantly.

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in their arms? Zero.

Do you hate the last person you kissed? No, not at all.

How do you feel about your hair right now? Ugh. It’s a mess and in serious need of a dye job.

Whose hoodie did you wear last? My own.

Have you ever listened to music you hated just to fit in? Nah.

Whose birthday is coming up? My brother’s was yesterday. Next up is my dad’s next month.

Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? I tried to be, but I couldn’t.

The doctors just told you that you are pregnant - what’s your first thought? They clearly mixed me up with someone else cause that’s impossible. There’s zero chance.

Who was the last person you hugged? My aunt.

Do you have any saved texts? all of my texts save unless i delete them. <<< Yeah, the phone just keeps them. I’ve never deleted any.

Anything you want to tell someone but can’t? Meh.

What’s the last thing you drank? Water.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? I don’t have friends.

Do you like pulp orange juice? I don’t like orange juice at all. Or any juice.

Do you prefer the tanning bed or sun? I don’t go tanning, but I’d just try to get one from the sun if I wanted to. I do get a tan whenever I go to the beach since I actually spend a significant amount of time outside when I go. That’s the only time.

Who was the last person you talked to last night? My aunt.

When was the last time you cried? About a week ago.

Where are your siblings? My younger brother is at work and I’m assuming my older brother is at home.

What about your mom and dad? My mom is here at home and my dad is at work.

Can you go in public looking like you do? Ew, no.

Would your parents care if you came home at 4am? No; I’m 31 years old. They’d be concerned, though. Especially since I never go anywhere or hang out with anyone anymore. If I was out that late it would definitely be unusual. However, I would have checked in to let let them know cause that’s how we are in my family.

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? No.

What will you be doing tomorrow? Same stuff, different day.

What’d you have for dinner last night? I had Wingstop.

Did you eat all of it? No, but a lot of it.

What temperature is it outside right now? 48F.

What color’s your hair? It’s dark brown naturally, but I’ve been dyeing it red. However, I’m a year overdo so my roots are quite overgrown and it’s like half and half now. :X

Do you like flowers? Sure.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up? Checked the time.

What kind of booze did you last take shots of? It was likely tequila. I haven’t drank in 8 years, so I don’t really remember.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yes.

If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? I’m sad I didn’t get to see Linkin Park with Chester. :(

When did you last consume something that had peanut butter? Hmm. It’s been awhile, actually.

What color were the last pair of headphones/earphones you bought? I didn’t buy them, they were a gift, but they’re black.

How many people do you live with? Are these people related to you? 3 and yes, they’re my parents and brother.

Are you a confident person, or do you keep to yourself usually? I’m not confident at all.

Do you wash your own clothes? No, I need help with that so my mom does it.

Are you afraid of thunderstorms? No, I like them.

What type of soups do you like? I’m a ramen gal, but broccoli and cheddar soup is pretty good.

Would you go 2 days without eating for $200? I’ve gone a day without eating and a couple or so days with very little food because I was sick or having appetite issues, which I have a lot. If I was feeling like that I could do it. But there’s times my body feels like it’s starving and acts all dramatic even if it hasn’t been long since I last ate, so in that case it would be really hard to do.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Not that I know of.

Can you cook? I can make a good bowl of ramen, ha.

Have you dated the person you texted last? Uh, no. That’s my Nana...

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking weed? I’ve gone almost 10 years since the last time and when I did do it it wasn’t a regular thing, so yeah I think I could. I haven’t had any desire to do it.

When’s the last time someone made you feel like you mattered? My family does that.

Do graveyards thrill or terrify you? Neither.

What’s the next thing you have to do that you’re dreading? My next doctor appointment.

Do you ever wear polos? No.

Do you look pretty today? No. Not today or any day.

Are you going out of town soon? No.

Who was the last person to make you mad? My doctor.

Do you have nightmares often? No, thankfully.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Nope.

Will you be in a relationship in 50 days? No.

What happened last time you got drunk? I got really drunk and then threw up on myself in front of my friends and it was super embarrassing. My best friend at the time thankfully helped me clean up, but still. Ugh, it was awful. I was so sick that whole night and felt like shit the next day. I don’t know what happened that night because I honestly don’t remember drinking that much. I don’t know if I had a bad interaction with my medicine or what I did drink was really strong. I was completely turned off to alcohol after that, though, and haven’t drank since.

Do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? Yeah, I don’t share drinks or food. Like, I’ll break off/cut/pour out what I’m eating and share that way, but I don’t let people bite off my food or use my utensil and vice versa.

Do you want to know the date of your death? Absolutely not.

Do you miss the way things used to be? I miss the way a lot of things used to be.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Many times.

Do you like being called babe? Not really.

Is the last person you kissed more than 2 years older than you? No, he’s a year younger than me.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Not romantic feelings, no.

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person that kissed you? No.

Honestly if you could go back 9 months and change something, would you? Yes.

When is the next time you will kiss someone? I have no idea. I don’t see that happening anytime soon at all.

Were you happier 7 months ago or now? Neither then or now.

Have you ever just felt like you could cry an ocean? Yeppp.

Would you live with someone without marrying them? Yes. I don’t plan on getting married, but even IF I did I would still want to see how things go living together first.

Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? My best friend is my mom, who is with my dad.

Who do you have texts from in your inbox? Mostly from my parents, especially my mom, but some from my brother, some from my Nana, some from my aunt, and some old ones from one of my cousins.

What time did you wake up today? I first fell asleep around 3AM, woke up at 530AM for a bit, fell asleep until like 730ish, and then fell asleep again until like 9 and I’ve been up ever since (it’s 10:27AM now). Sighhhh. I hate when I get up off and on like every hour or so like that and hardly get any sleep at all. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. :(

Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago? Most definitely. I’ve changed a lot and not in a good way.

What were you doing at 4 am? Sleeping.

Do you reply to all of your texts? No, not all. It depends on the text. Not all need a reply or I just didn’t for whatever reason.

Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Bananas or chocolate.

What were you doing before you got on the computer? Sleeping.

What is the last thing you said out loud? Something to my aunt last night.

Today, would you rather go forward a week or back? Forward.

Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? Hand over the cash, please!

How bad are your hangovers? I had a few bad ones. The worst was definitely after the time I talked about earlier.

Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out? I’m fine with it during the day, but I wouldn’t be at night.

Do you have any bruises on you? I don’t think so.

Is your last ex currently in a relationship? I don’t know.

Is there anything in your room that reminds you of the past memories? Uh, yeah. Like everything.

How do you respond to being nervous? I get very fidgety and squirmy and anxious. I mess with my nails, I bite my lips, I play with my hair, twiddle my thumbs. My heart rate goes up. I have a hard time breathing. My stomach feels like its in knots. I sweat. ...not a fun time.

Who is the most recent addition to your contacts? I don’t even recall the last time I added a new contact.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? My mom has a purple heart.

Where was the last place you went besides your house? The doctor.

Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger? No.

Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you? I’m not wearing one.

Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Haaaa, no.

Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with an A? Nope.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone & what did you talk about? My mom when she called the other day to see if I wanted her to stop by somewhere on her way home to get me something to eat.

Do you have tan lines? No.

How are you feeling? Right now I’m tired and hungry. I also feel kind of sick cause I took my medicine on an empty stomach, which bothers me more sometimes than others. Today seems to be one of those times. :/

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Listened to ASMR and scrolled through Tumblr.

Ever feel like you’re not good enough? Many times. It’s been a constant feeling these past few years.

Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you? Yeah.

How many funerals have you been to? Three.

Movies or bowling? Movies.

At the beginning of September who were you "with"? I was single.

Is there a girl you can tell anything to? I could, yes.

What do the majority of people in your life call you? Steph.

Do you dye your hair? I get it done at the salon.

If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first? I’d have to pay off my debt first and foremost.

Something you really want right now? I should drag myself outta bed and try to eat something.

Would you prefer being locked in a room with the person you like or best friend? My best friend, which is my mom.

What color shirt are you wearing? I’m wearing a black sweatshirt.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip piercing? No.

Has anyone told you they were in love with you? My first boyfriend (and technically only).

Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit? Noooo. I have a hard time with even my own.

Name a time you thought you were going to die? During my last surgery my blood pressure dropped dangerously low and the doctors freaked out.

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? No, not always.

Have you ever kissed a blue-eyed person? Yes.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

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thehikingnerd · 3 years

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Day 139 (10/3).

Today I woke up and was on a mission for 30 miles. These short days kept pushing back our finish date, and it was getting dangerously close to interfering with me getting home before Halloween. After getting packed up and ready a little earlier than Butt'rs, I popped two ibuprofen and made a big pot of very very strong instant coffee... and we were off! It was a beautiful day and we were making good time right from the start. We saw bear prints everywhere in the snow as we made our first climb of the day, along with coyote and deer prints as well. The bright red huckleberries in the valleys were beautiful and we stopped for lunch at the peak of the first big climb in the snow. I cooked two ramen with some textured vegetable protein, olive oil, a few other things and then made more extra strong coffee. I needed entertainment and fuel, like I said I was on a mission and was feeling good, like 30 was possible that day if we pushed and could make up for the last 4 days being sub 20-mile days. Man... that second round of coffee must have done it... I was a hiking machine after that. I was rolling down the backside of the mountain! Butt'rs and I saw another bear and I tried to get around the bend quickly to see if I could find him and watch him run away down the mountain but I lost him. I stopped at a lake for just a minute because it was so pretty and because the water looked so nice and clear blue I wanted to try out filming under water with my phone being waterproof and hadn't tried that out yet. But then the race was back on. We made our way down into a beautiful valley and then a couple of fighter jets spaced out rolled through the valley... one came though just before our next big climb started and was low enough to hurt my hears and was pretty intense. This downhill seemed to go on forever and we could see the switchbacks up the other mountain and it was obvious that this was going to be one of the worst cases of PUDs (pointless ups and downs) on the whole trail and it certainly was! Mile and miles of steep downhill and we were just rolling at near-jogging pace. Finally, after crossing a bridge over a stream at the bottom, the trail went down another half mile or so before turning around and heading straight back up. They really should take you around the mountainside and cut off some of this pointless up and down. Normally I wouldn't complain, but this one is 3000ft down to a random point and then right back up 3000ft. It was just killer and uncalled for. But also, I was so jacked on caffeine and had the 30 mile goal in my head, so I just kept on rolling. I was a fair bit out in front of Butt'rs and I was only just starting the big uphill when I saw a hiker going SOBO. I said hey and stopped to chat for a bit. He said he had run into several NOBO hikers today... Will (the 19yr old from TX we had met at the trail angel's place a couple of days ago) I knew he was way ahead of us... he said he had seen him that morning so I guessed that put Will at least 15 maybe 20 miles out ahead of us and that he had just walked to Butt'rs! I was like Butt'rs?! Butt'rs is behind me I'm about 99% sure, but he insisted he had just talked to Butt'rs and then complained about how cold the last two nights have been. It was possible to have crossed the stream earlier on and taken a short cut that would have saved him more than a mile of down and up. Hmm... so it looked at this point as though one of two things was going on... either there was a second guy with the trailname "Butters" ahead (which was possible) or that Butt'rs had cut a corner and was now out ahead of me. With Butt'rs and I both being purists, however, I didn't think he would cut a big corner like that, and as weird as it sounded the notion of a second Butters seemed like the more likely of these two scenerios. This SOBO guy's name was Savage, and after just a brief chat I was on my way. Now I was really driven to go faster up this climb, which I usually go slower than Butt'rs on the climbs, but I wanted to either catch up to him or catch up to the other Butters. I was in a Butter sandwich, A Tale of Two Butt'rs, I can't believe it's not Butt'rs, lol, we're all silly things that came to mind when thinking of this situation. Unfortunately this side of the hill was facing south and had dried out enough that I couldn't make out any clear shoe prints the whole way up. I would have been able to recognize Butt'rs' New Balances and could have known whether he was really ahead of me or not. I did think it was odd that we had been following a set of tracks for two days or so now from a hiker who had passed us the morning we let the sun dry our tents out and I had been following these Altra prints for a while now and I figured this must be the person savage had just talked to, but I still hoped to catch him and see if his name really was Butters/Butt'rs. Finally, after a grueling 3000 ft climb I made it to the snow line and could see clearly that Butt'rs was indeed still behind me and had not taken the shortcut and gotten out ahead of me. I had told him that I wasn't going to take a break until I reached the top, but since it was snowy I thought I would just go a little further or maybe stop of the opposite side of the flat top area before the final descent of the day. About half way across the top flat part I saw another much smaller bear who was sitting and eating huckleberries on a hillside near a small tree (for some reason I knew I was about to see one before I saw him, had this weird feeling he was there before actually seeing him). He sat there and hesitated for a second but then ran away too; it's wild how these bears just get out of dodge when a human is near. But in looking down I saw tons of nice huckleberries and decided to wait for Butt'rs while eating as many of these berries as I could. I had eaten a good number of these when Butt'rs finally rolled up and we discussed the whole situation with Savage. It was weird, but Butt'rs thinks he was tripping on acid and must have gotten confused hearing me say Butt'rs and just kept saying the wrong name of the guy ahead of us. I wasn't paying that close attention to him personally to notice if he was tripping or not, but anyway it was all figured out that at least Butt'rs was indeed behind me and we took off down the mountain. We had gotten cold sitting up at the high elevation while eating the berries. I was once again feeling driven and got out ahead of Butt'rs and I was hoping to keep pushing even after we reached the bottom and try to make it to a campsite a few miles further away. But while going downhill, I was reading through the Guthooks app and saw that the town of Stehekin had already reduced their shuttle service down to twice a day rather than the normal four times during peak season... thus meaning that even if we pushed on we would really have to haul ass to get there by 3pm on October 4th if I wanted to get into the resort/town in order to call Angie on Mid-Autumn Festival... but we would also have agree to hike into the night tonight and probably wake up at 4am or so to make it, and even still would run the chance of just not making it in time (and to be honest, I knew he had little incentive to push like that personally). I sat down on the trail disappointed knowing we wouldn't be able to make it and that I wouldn't be able to call Angie on this holiday, it would be the first I hadn't been able to swing something from the trail on a special day and the first time to not talk with her on this particular holiday. So I just sat there and waited on Butt'rs while resting and looking at all the comments on the app so I'd know what to expect whenever we would eventually make it into Stehekin. Finally, Butt'rs came and said he was beat. I told him I would have wanted to push on, but since it was impossible to make it by tomorrow night's last shuttle that there was no point in killing ourselves, and we camped at a site beside a silty river after a 24-mile day with an estimated 9,000 ft of elevation gain throughout the day! It had been a rough-@ss day, and we were both beat and hurting all over. So at Mile 2532.6 we set up camp, ate, threw out decoy thrash for mice, and went to sleep.

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yourworldmyworldourworld-blog1 · 5 years

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Brazil - Just let go and enjoy

Brazil - Rio de Janeiro & Ilha Grande

So Brazil is my country of origin. So I ended up spending quite a bit of time here. I will then give you a few tips on a few things and a few cities so its not an overload. I am also yet to explore its grandeur in full. São Paulo, I will save you for later my dear one.

RIO DE JANEIRO

I spent approximately a week in Rio, not followed by collectively so I will write below a quick guide.

Day 1 - if you are arriving by plane I advise you try and get into Santos Dumont which is super close to the city centre. From there you can get the VLT which is just outside the airport to Cinelandia and at Cinelandia you can cross the tracks and get into the underground so you can head southbound to Ipanema. Make sure when you buy the ticket (which will be a card) of the VLT you put enough cash for that day (around R$20 should do). If you arrive early and are staying in Ipanema or Copacabana (which I highly recommend as these are safer areas), go for a walk on the beach.

Botanical Gardens

Day 2 - When I arrived I headed straight to the Parque Lage and Botanical Park by Uber (they also have an app called Rio cabs which also works well and its like an Uber). But that depends when you arrive in the city. This trip could take you half a day or a full day depending how easy you want to take it. The Parque Lage and the Botanical Park are beautiful and you can have a coffee and picnic over there. On your way back you can also go for a wonder around the Lagoa (Portuguese for the Lake). I took the bus back but equally you can get an Uber back. Again make sure you miss the rush hour. As for food I recommend this adorable vegetarian / vegan place near the Botanical Gardens called Prana.

Mureta da Urca

Day 3 - Wake up early and head to Pao de Acucar. It’s a bit difficult to get there by public transport as you will need to get the tube and the bus so perhaps look into getting a cab there. You can also chose to trek up Pao de Acucar. You can either book with a guide all of it or you can do half by yourself. Equally you can just get the cable car (at R$100 for an adult (you have discounts for students)) all the way up. Enjoy the view and then go for a wonder around Urca, or better yet hand around until sunset to enjoy it at the wall (which they call “mureta”). There is only one bar around there and I advise you buy a few large beers (at R$10 if I recall right) and keep the tickets to reclaim later so you don’t have to queue again. I also recommend you order a portion of pasteis (cheese and shrimp are my favourite although meat is good too).

City Centre

Day 4 - Head out early to Cinelandia and check out the library, the royal gabinet and walk around this city centre. There also should be some walking tours leaving from the square in front of the National Library around 9:30am/10am. You can either walk towards the Tomorrow Museum or you can leave this to another day. Whenever you decide to go to the Tomorrow Museum (in Portuguese: Museo do Amanha), make sure you either buy the tickets for the Museum before or you arrive around opening time (10am) so you are not stuck in the queue for too long. This museum is definitely work it and at R$20 per adult its super doable. Then go and wonder around the market to the left of the museum (in fact between the tomorrow museum and the art museum which are on the same square area) and enjoy the view of that huge wall with these worldly colourful faces. If you have time you can also head to Santa Teresa that same day and do the Ruins Park and the colourful steps (Escadaria Selaron).

Escadaria Selaron

Day 5 - Escadaria Salaron (Escadaria meaning staircase and Salaron the name of the guy who made it) is the various steps up near Lapa made of mosaic. You have a lot of people there but if you head up to a park called Santa Teresa first you have a nice view of the city and then work your way down. Take your time and enjoy the views. Also be careful as the Lapa neighbourhood near the staircase isn’t super safe. You can then go for lunch at one of the many bars in the Lapa (look up places on Avenida Mem de Sa).

A Day at the Beach

Day 6 - You can look to do go and just chill at Barra da Tijuca beach or Ipanema or Copacabana. If you chose a weekend to go and chill at the beach you will see what Rio is truly like. Make sure you buy some mate (which is a typical Rio drink, sold anywhere really but the best one is at the beach from these guys with these metal like tanks). Make sure you also buy the ‘Globo’ snacks they carry around. Only then you can truly experience the Rio spirit. Also make sure you watch the sunset at one of these beaches as its stunning. Equally head down the Ipanema beach to the Pedra do Arpoador (the Arpoador Rock) to watch the sunset.

Cristo / Christ Redeemer

Day 7 - If the weather is good I would highly recommend waking up early and heading out to the Cristo. I got an a taxi with 99 but you could also plan to get an Uber. I would recommend booking a taxi back. Perhaps speak to the driver or pre-book the Uber as its quite busy and there are less taxis on the way back.

Saturday Markets

Day 8 - If one of your days in Rio is the first Saturday of the month you can head to the Lavradio Street Market. It is a vintage market in the Lapa neighbourhood. There is also the Rio cathedral next door that is a very interesting architecture (built in a triangular manner).

SAFETY / TIPS

In terms of safely I would say you stay in Copacabana or Ipanema. The Lapa neighbourhood is dangerous although a fun night out. But know that I only went out there with locals I trusted. Rio is beautiful but please be careful because it’s not the safest place so be careful and don’t stray too far from the safe areas (Leblon, Ipanema and Copacabana) unaccompanied by locals you trust.

Other things to do:

Climb Sugar Loaf

Barra beach

Tijuca Park

Pedro da Gavea climb

ILHA GRANDE

You can take another 3-4 days or even more to head to Ilha Grande which is super close to Rio and super worth the visit.

Day 1 - All you need to do is get the 5am bus to Mangaratiba from the Rio bus station. You can buy the ticket online and get it on the day. I would recommend you arrive at the station around 4am. Once you get to Mangaratiba (a 1.5 hr drive from Rio getting you there around 6:30/7am), head to the port which is about 100m on the same side of the road that the bus will drop you off. There might already be a queue so just join. The boat costs R$17 one way. When you get to Ilha Grande you can buy the return on the day or do what we did which was to get a transfer back that included the boat and the bus back to Rio. The boat to Ilha Grande took around 1hr. When we got there around 9/10am we headed to our camping site. It was called Camping do Bicao. You can chose more expensive options but Camping do Bicao was super well equipped. When you booked with them (at R$30 per person per night for the camping space), you can ask to rent anything from the tent (R$120 per night I believe); mattresses (R$60 per night for a double); pillows and bedding (another R$30 per night I believe). They also have hostel rooms but they go quickly. Everything was clean and super well organised.

On the same day we arrived we had all our stuff up and organised by 11am. If you rent the tent they help you do it up and take it down for you so you don’t even need to worry about that. We then headed to the Poço (translated to Well but really just a pool of water) which is to the north of the island (20 minutes from the town). We then treked for an 1 hr to the Feiticeira beach and waterfall. Super worth it and doable with half a day. As we came back into town around 3pm we bought some food (I also advise you buy some food in Rio and take it with you as Ilha Grande options are limited and things are expensive). We also booked a tour for the next day called Meia Volta where you do half of the island (that’s what “meia volta” means). Most agencies do the same spots and cost about the same so just ask around and see which one you prefer.

Meia Volta tour

Day 2 - Meia Volta tour. Enjoy and take some food but the boat should have water. Also take a snorkel if you have one.

Lopes Mendez trek

Day 3 - Make sure you do not miss the trek to Lopes Mendez. Leave early in the morning - say 9/10am. Take at least 1lt of water per person and food. The trek took 2hours but its uphill then downhill. Plus its through the forest so although you don’t usually have the sun on you its pretty humid and super hot. Also make sure you buy your return ticket before you leave (the long boat at 45mins should come to R$15 and the fast boat at 30mins comes to R$25). If someone on the trek tries to sell it for more or doesn’t give you the less expensive options keep walking. Make sure you keep an eye out for anyone selling the tickets and ask how much. We bought our return tickets with a lady at the third to last beach before getting to Lopez Mendez. Normally they keep an eye out and ask people whether they have return tickets. If I were you I would buy the tickets in town for the 5pm slot so you can truly enjoy Lopes Mendez and the other beaches. We arrived at 1pm and realised that 4 hours was not long enough. On our last night we also headed into town to enjoy some music. Be warned that booze is expensive although we managed to find a tiny spot one street away from the Main Street selling stuff fairly cheap.

Day 4 - On this day we headed back to Rio early. We got the transfer (at R$110) including ferry and bus to Rio at 10am. If you decide to stay longer there are other beaches you can explore.

CRIBSHEET

In Rio Stay either in Ipanema or Copacabana. I rented an air B&B. There are also hostels in Barra da Tijuana which isn’t bad but a bit away from the city centre.

Places to eat:

- Mate and Globo biscuits at the beach

- Jockey Club by the Botanical Gardens

- Prana (address: R. Lopes Quintas, 37) by the Botanical Gardens

- Ella Pizzaria (address: Rua Pacheco Leao, 102) across from the Botanical Gardens

- Puro Restaurant (address: R. Visc. De Carandai, 43) again across from the Botanical Gardens

- Bar Pavao Azul (address: Rua Hilario de Gouveia, 71) in Copacabana. Amazing little bohemian split with amazing “pasteis” (fried pastries) and good vibes.

- Urca Grill (address: Rua Mal. Cantaría, 10). This place you got to go at the end of the day to watch the sunset sat at the wall - you will see what I mean because it will be hard to find a spot to sit. Get some beers and some “pasteis” and enjoy the view and the vibe.

- Confeitaria Colombo (address: R. Goncalves Dias, 32). This is a century-old cafe with an incredible colonial architecture, amazing traditional snacks, sweets and coffee. It’s in the city centre so perhaps go after a morning stroll / tour / museum visit.

Where to go:

- Christ Redeemer (half day)

- Mureta da Urca & Sugar Loaf (full day)

- City Centre (walking tour) (half day)

- Escadaria Selaron / Santa Teresa (full day)

#brasil #brasiltravel #riodejaneiro #ilhagrande #backpacking #travel #travelling #vision #visionworld #yourworld #myworld #ourworld

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lalalarisssaaa · 6 years

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The Truth About Losing Your Mom At a Young Age.

Lately I’ve ignored friends who needed me, friends who were there for me and friends who I never wanted to hurt.

But the thing is, lately I’m not the person who I was before October 16th, 2017. Before that day I was a dedicated graduate trying to save money for college, make my parents proud and a backbone for a lot of people. Today, and everyday since I’ve been a shell of a person you once knew.

A mother carries you inside of her body for 9 months and then dedicates her soul to raising you, caring for you and loving you no matter what it takes. And my mom? She was one who would kill anyone who hurt the people she loved.

She’d sing to me when I was little.

She’d hold me when I cried.

She would do anything for me.

When you’re 18 you don’t think about when the last time you’ll talk to one of your parents, when you’ll last see them. But nothings promised and the big guy doesn’t plan around your needs.

People say it gets easier with time and that you’ll be okay again, but how would they know if they didn’t plan their Mothers funeral at 18? When you lose your mother, you don’t just lose another person. You lose the woman who gave you life, the woman who was there for everything and the women who is supposed to guide you through life. You stop being mothered. For me, a 18 year old female I lost the woman I’d tell first if I ever got pregnant, I lost the woman I’d call when I didn’t know how much flower to put in a batch of cookies.

Losing your Mother is like losing a piece of your soul that you can never replace or let alone get back.

It’s not having anyone you’d want to talk to when you go through a break up.

It’s not having someone comfortable to talk to about changes to your body.

It’s about losing your support system, well at least a giant part of it.

it’s calling her phone at 4am just to hear her voice for a few seconds because it’s the only thing that allows you to remember.

It’s losing sight of the good memories, the ones where she was alive and happy.

It’s about being angry at your dead mother for leaving you.

It’s not remembering what her voice sounds like, what her face looks like because all that’s left in your brain is what she looked like when you lost her.

It’s not showering for a week and sleeping till 4 or 5 in the afternoon because without her there's no reason to get out of bed even though you know she’d want you to continue living your life.

It’s spending countless nights thinking of a way to kill yourself without it being suicide so your family doesn’t think they missed something.

It’s having everything under the sun to talk about and less than a handful of people who’d understand.

It’s walking into grocery stores and hearing how sorry someone is for you loss 6 months down the road and revisiting the exact moment you lost her.

It’s taking this piece of paper that declares her dead around to banks, companies and lawyers to figure out her financials.

It’s not knowing how to plan a funeral because you’re not even old enough to drink yet.

It’s holidays without your moms home cooked meal.

It’s watching her Birthday pass and not being able to celebrate because she’s not here and it’s not right without her.

it’s never eating her secret recipes that are your favorite because she didn’t get to teach you them yet.

It’s calling her dad to tell him that she’s gone. It’s calling every family member to let them know.

It’s writing a news paper article for your mom and not knowing what to say because even though you got 18 years together you don’t know everything you want to write about her.

For me I watched my mother die, slowly and over the course of months without even knowing what was about to come.

For me it’s your brain replaying the moments leading up to, and every decision you made in those moments that lead to her dying. It’s regretting every angry teenager blow out of “ I hate you!” and the little arguments about something that didn't matter five minutes later. It’s blaming yourself for the death of your mother. It’s laying in bed until you no longer can because you just don’t feel like living. It’s avoiding her gravesite because something inside you says that it’s just a bad dream and tomorrow morning she’ll call you. It’s drinking so much alcohol you’re covered in your own vomit while telling your friends you want to drive your car into a tree so you can see your mom again. It’s smoking a pack a day because if they played a role in her death, I could just smoke until I drop dead myself. It’s almost giving up 5 years self harm free because although you are feeling empty, sad, tired and confused you’re completely numb to your own emotions and the only thing you can feel is pain. It’s finally admitting to your doctors that you need help and being put on medications for depression, anxiety and insomnia just to stare at those bottles every night and wonder what would happen if you took all 48 pills at once.

It’s losing the 2 weeks of coping skills / ways to deal with Depression and Anxiety that you knew so well when you were released from the hospital at 13.

It’s falling back into that dark hole you thought you escaped.

It’s also everything you are used to doing reminding you of her which leads to a mental breakdown. It’s not being able to listen to any type of music without crying. It’s shutting out all of your friends with moms because you just cant stand to hear about their fights with their mom, what they did with their mom that day or the word mom at all. It’s canceling plans and taking your sleeping meds at 7am so you can just ignore the world for one more day. It’s losing your job because you’re so distracted with pain and grief that you just cant stand at a register and watch all the little kids shop with their mommas. It’s listening to people tell you how much you look like her and that it’s tragic she wont be there for your wedding or kids. It’s not wanting kids or a marriage because how do you do those things without your mom?

It’s starring into a mirror and noticing little things about yourself that are like her and hating it because it’s just another reminder that she’s gone.

It’s waking up everyday, getting out of bed and still feeling like you’re standing in place at the end of that hospital bed and watching everyone else around you move on while you’re stuck with an image of your dead mother.

It’s breaking down into tears at random moments through out the day and not knowing way.

It’s seeing a mom die on a TV show or Movie and laying there, hugging yourself while you try to hold it together.

And when your mother was the only parent who truly supported your decisions, goals and dreams it’s like losing both parents.

It’s your father not asking if you’re okay.

It’s feeling like your entire world has fallen apart and there is no one left to save you.

It’s constantly feeling like you’re chained to the bottom of the ocean and unable to breathe, and just when it can’t get worse it does, and sometimes you get a gasp of air but it doesn’t ever last.

It’s wanting to die, but not being able to do anything about it or anything to ease the pain in a way your brain wants to because you cant disappoint her. You’re better than that.

It’s a never ending battle.

But,

Don’t get me wrong, there a good days in between stretches of bad days, but those good days bring guilt because how am I happy knowing that my mother is dead and I'm down here living? It’s hating people because they are alive and she’s not. The good days are there, but the bad days out weigh them.

Losing a parent is something that you just don’t expect and there is nothing that can prepare you for the pain and suffering that comes along with it. But if there is one thing you can do about it, is take in every waking moment you have with them and enjoy it. Enjoy the fights, enjoy the annoying over protective parenting skills and enjoy the fact that you still have them. Tell them you love them, that you care about them and celebrate them giving you the ability to do that, the ability to live. Because there will come a day where every single thing that ever happened between you and your parents will be a memory and you wont get the chance to create another. And when that day comes, you’ll regret not doing those things enough.

It is a constant battle that I am still learning how to fight and one I’m still learning to want to win.

So to the friends I’ve mistreated since, to the friends who feel forgotten and unappreciated, it’s not true. I think about you everyday, I miss you all everyday, but lately I barley have the energy to care for myself. I barley have the energy to keep myself alive. And I hope you understand that it’s not something you did and it’s not that I’m not here, I just need to be here for me, find who I am and get back on my feet before I take care of you. I’m not trying to be selfish, I just can not juggle your needs and my needs. Someday it might be easier, but I will never breathe without thinking about the death of my person. and please understand that my anger and jealousy that you still have your moms isn’t personal, I just wish I still had mine. So I’m sorry I’m so lost. I’m sorry I cant be the friend you need me to be, just know that if you’re ever in my shoes I will fight this battle with you because this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through in my life.

#personal #losing a parent #motherless #loss #grief #mental health

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moonnightyoongi · 7 years

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apartment block stars

pairing: reader x jungkook

word count: 2,882

genre: fluff, lil bit of angst, a dash of smut maybe ;) (later on,, this is an intro!)

description: it all started with a guitar, a late night and a balcony.

Even when you were younger you would find yourself lost in the stars, in the constellations they made, the way they aligned, they way they would scatter and make a perfectly weird shape. Your mother had always told you that one day you would shine bright like a star for everyone to see; nowadays she looked at you like you had fallen from the lowest branch on a small tree and managed to break your leg. Maybe somewhere in an alternate universe, you were a different you, a more successful one that didn’t bust tables at a diner till 5am and then return home to a boyfriend who was grumpy and always telling you to take a day shift so he could spend some time with you. Maybe one day he would find out that you didn’t need to cover Nayeon because her kid had well passed the teething stage (at least three years ago), but he never fully listened to you anyway.

“What are you doing?” his voice asks.

You turned your head to look at the tired boy as he rubbed his eyes and smiled weakly, “Nothing Kihyun, go back to bed.”

“Have you just got in?”

“Yeah,” you sigh.

“You’re early,” he says.

“The shifts are changing,” you mumble, “I finish at 3 instead now.”

“We’ll have some time together,” he says.

You look at him and sit up from your lying down position, “Go to bed baby, you have work in a few hours.”

“I can sit for a few minutes,” he says shuffling over and sitting down next to you. You smile softly at him as you wrap the blanket you had brought out with you around you both.

“You’ll moan at me in the morning.”

“It’ll make a change from you moaning at me,” he says.

“Your alarm goes off at six,” you laugh.

“It’s not my fault you stroll in at 5:30,” he says.

“I know,” you sigh running your hands through your hair.

“You work hard,” Kihyun says.

You look at him, “What did you break?”

“I didn’t break anything,” he says rolling his eyes, “I, I just thought you needed to hear that.”

You did need to hear it. Kihyun, all his friends, and even all of yours were always making fun of you for ‘not working hard’, telling you that serving drunk people at 4AM wasn’t difficult. It was easy to shut them up by saying that it was hard work having to mop up the vomit and trying to decipher their drunk mumbling of whether they want pancakes or waffles. Oh, and having to remind them that you can’t just throw a cheeky splash of vodka into their coffee.

“Thanks,” you say.

“I didn’t get to catch you before you left for work,” Kihyun says.

“Here it is,” you say.

Kihyun rolls his eyes as he looks at your linked hands, “There’s a work business trip.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow.”

“For how long?”

“Two weeks.”

“What? Where?” you frown.

“America,” he sighs.

“Why are you going?”

“I was told I had to.”

“Told or asked?” you ask him.

“I was asked and I said yes.”

You scoff and look at the sky, somewhere someone else was looking at the stars with happy thoughts.

You were not one of them tonight.

“You didn’t think to consult me?” you mumble.

“It’s good for my career,” he says.

You look at him and for a second you want to be angry at him. Angry that he had left it to the last second to tell you, angry that he was going to leave you for two weeks with the bitch next door who likes to fuck really loud and really fucking slow to piss everyone off who complained.

“I understand,” you mumble looking at your hands, “I’d go too.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, “You know my rule, if it doesn’t better the future for both of us then I don’t do it.”

“I know,” you smile looking out at the city lights; they were slowly turning off as the sun started to rise and for once you sighed. You missed not having to run home out of fear; you missed strolling in at 5pm from your job and meeting Kihyun in the elevator, you missed being able to eat dinner with him instead of leaving a sticky note on the microwave.

“You okay?” Kihyun asks.

“When did I become such a disappointment?” you ask.

“You’re not a disappointment.”

“Yes I am, I work in a diner – my mum prefers to tell people I’m unemployed.”

“That’s because your mum doesn’t realise how demanding customer service is, especially for you since you hate people,” he sighs. You laugh and look back at the skyline,

“Are all dreamers like this?” you ask.

“Yes,” he says, “But behind every dreamer there is a realist.”

“Let me guess, you’re my realist?” you ask.

“Yes,” he smiles, “Everyday I wake up making sure that I do enough to keep my job so that you can keep dreaming.”

That’s not fair. He was working his ass off all the time just so you could keep your dream as a writer – whereas you hadn’t even wrote anything in four weeks. Was it going to hurt when the bubble finally popped? Would you be left in a strange state of numbness when reality finally sunk in that you weren’t going to write a book and become a famous novelist? That things like that just don’t happen to waitresses that bust their ass from night till morning? Instead you would probably give up, settle for an easy office job somewhere and live your life that way. Live your life with Kihyun, where you two would work to death just to pay the shitty, too expensive bill on a studio apartment.

“Life’s not fair,” you sigh.

“Please not this again,” Kihyun begs.

“We have to work our asses off just to afford this shitty, too expensive apartment with loud next door neighbours who like to have shitty sex,” you snap, “And we can kiss goodbye to having adult things like marriages and kids, we can’t afford them!”

“We had this conversation last week,” Kihyun says.

“It’s true!”

“We’re 23 Y/N; we’re not having kids for a long time.”

“What if I wanted one now?” you ask.

“I’d ask you when we’d find the time to fuck since we’re always working weird hours,�� he replies.

You pull a face and look out again with a sigh, “Life’s unfair.”

“It treats other’s better than some,” Kihyun sighs, “It’s the way it works.”

“You make your own luck,” you say.

“Can whoever is having an existential crisis please have it indoors!” a loud voice shouts from further up the building.

You look at Kihyun and giggle, “Sorry!”

“Life’s a bitch and then you die! Welcome to the real world!” they shout before a slam is heard to signal they had shut their door or window.

“You heard the person, let’s go inside,” Kihyun laughs.

“Okay,” you mumble following him in, “Kihyun?”

“Yeah?” he asks.

“Do you think I’ll ever wake up?”

“You’re not asleep.”

“I mean, do you ever think I’ll stop dreaming? Like, one day I’ll wake up and I’ll realise that I’m not going to be this hit writer? That I am just a stupid dreamer like your friends always say?”

“Ignore my friends.”

“I can’t.”

He walks towards you and smiles widely, “They come from money, they don’t understand hard work and they don’t have to dream. They just need to ask their parents and they get it.”

“I want rich parents,” you groan.

“Me too,” Kihyun says, “That way we’d be able to sound proof our room.”

“The dream,” you laugh following him into the bedroom, “I’ll book tomorrow off, that way I can see you go.”

“I’d like that, a lot,” he smiles.

“Two weeks will fly by.”

“They will!”

“I’m going to miss you,” you sigh.

“Think of all the sticky notes we’re going to save,” he jokes.

“You’re not funny,” you say laugh slightly.

“It’ll be over in no time baby,” he smiles.

“I know,” you say with a big smile.

Saying goodbye was hard, but returning home to hear your neighbour fucking someone was harder. Normally Kihyun would help you bang on the wall and you two would fall into fits of laughter as sh tried to scream louder thinking it was a competition. It would be sad if you did it now. Maybe you should have told work you would come in after you said goodbye to Kihyun, at least that way you wouldn’t be mopping in the kitchen hearing distant moans that are being loud on purpose.

“We need a new apartment,” you mumble putting your head on the kitchen table. You let out a deep sigh as you got comfortable and stared at the painting Kihyun had hung on the wall. He had painted it when he was in college, that’s how the two of you met. He was the art kid that judged people while wearing sandals and you were the writer that he kept judging. It wasn’t until you walked into him and he saw your illustrations next to your writing that he stopped judging and took a proper look at you. It was good for a while, he would paint and you would write – then one day he told you he got an office job and he just stopped painting and drawing all together. It was sad to see him stop doing what he loved just so he could survive. Maybe that’s why he worked so hard for the both of you, just so you wouldn’t feel the way he felt, so you wouldn’t give up just like he had done. He had failed and he didn’t want to see you fail too. It was sweet of him, you just wished you could get off your ass and write but nothing came to you. Sweet confessions of two lovers made you groan and want to throw in a cheating scandal or a SURPRISE he’s your exes best friend and that goes against bro code. It was pathetic. In college you would write for hours, days sometimes. Kihyun would complain when he woke up and saw you typing like an idiot while staring at the wall next to you, he told you it was really bad that you had memorised the keyboard so your fingers automatically knew where the buttons where. You had laughed and told him he was an idiot, while still typing quicker than he ever could.

How much longer could you think this way? How much longer could you work in that diner? How much longer could you keep disappointing your mother? Fuck, when she found out you were going to do creative writing she begged you on her knees to stop being a fucking idiot and do law instead. Part of you hoped that she was glad you hadn’t after seeing her friend’s daughter practically destroy herself (and then give up at the last minute). You didn’t know how long you had stared at the painting on the wall, but all you knew was that it had distracted you enough to forget your annoying neighbour and for you to fall asleep.

It was hour later when you finally woke up, and it was because you could hear strumming of a guitar and a soft voice coming from somewhere in the building. That was the one downside of the building, you could think that a sound came from next door when in actual fact it came from an apartment four floors up. You groaned as you got up from dining room chair to walk to the balcony, it was late and that meant one thing – stars. It would feel strange to watch them and not have Kihyun complain it was late, or that you had come home late. You expected the guitar and soft voice to be completely gone when you stepped out, but you were completely surprised to hear that it had gotten louder. Normally you would shout and tell them to shut up, but you found it oddly relaxing to lie down and look at the stars as whoever sang quietly to themselves. Surely it meant they were outside on their balcony too, but when you looked up and down you were met with nothing, and mainly concrete. Whoever it was, you didn’t want them to stop, in fact you wanted to bottle them up and have them sing you to sleep each night. You wanted a miniature version of them that you could carry around and listen to when you felt angry, anxious, useless.

Kihyun used to sing to you when you were both in college, but that was another thing he had decided to stop when real life hit him smack in the face. You secretly missed the way his voice would crack when he got a little nervous and/or a little embarrassed. Where had that Kihyun gone? Now you had alone time it was all you could think about, where had it gone? He couldn’t have just changed overnight, surely apart of him must miss picking up paint brushes or holding you close and singing the stupid spider song that made you laugh so much when you were stressed. How had reality hit him that hard? Who had pointed it out to him? Was it his shitty friend he refused to get rid off? They were always saying stupid things, talking about how he was wasting his time being with a dreamer when he could be with a girl who made twice what you made in a year. It was hard to not act like it was true sometimes, maybe he would be better with a girl who earned a lot of money – someone who didn’t really on him.

You let out a loud sigh and look at your hands, not even the stars could distract you from your brain running wild.

“Are you okay?” a voice whispers, the singing had stopped and all that was left was a bitter silence.

“Who asked that?” you ask narrowing your eyes and looking out at the skyline, as if it would be someone far out there.

“Er, call me guitar boy,” the voice replies.

“Guitar boy?”

“Yes?” he asks.

You smile and look at your hands, “You’re a good player.”

“Thanks,” he pauses, “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I’m just over thinking.”

“Fuck, don’t do that,” he laughs.

“Where are you?” you ask.

“On my balcony.”

“What floor?”

“I’m not about to tell a strange my floor number.”

“Touché,” you say nodding your head.

“What about you?”

“On my balcony.”

“To over think?”

“To look at the stars,” you reply.

“I love the stars,” he says.

“Me too.”

“I like to play guitar and look at them.”

“I like to just look at them.”

“And over think,” he jokes making you laugh slightly. You smile and let out a quiet sigh, surely he had to be close as his voice was barely a whisper.

“Why haven’t you played guitar before?” you ask.

“My other guitar broke; I had to save up to fix it.”

“Hard times,” you say.

“You’re telling me, we live in this shitty block don’t we?”

You laugh, “That’s true.”

“It’s got a good view though.”

“It does, it’s just a shame about the car break ins,” you joke. He laughs and you smile widely.

“What can I call you?” he asks.

“What?”

“Well, I’m Guitar Boy so what are you?”

“Call me,” you pause, “Constellation.”

“What’s your favourite?”

“Cassiopeia.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” you laugh.

“I’ll call you Cassiopeia,” he says.

“Thanks,” you laugh.

“You’re welcome,” he laughs, “Cassiopeia.”

“Hm?” you hum.

“I’m going to bed; do you have a request for one last song?”

“Surprise me.”

“I don’t know that one,” he jokes.

“You’re funny.”

“The dryness in your voice tells me that you’re lying.”

“Just a little bit.”

“Either way, I’ll accept it. I am hysterical,” he says.

You smile and look up at the stars once more, “Twinkle Twinkle.”

“Fucks sake,” he whispers, “Fine.”

You laugh and relax into the wall as he starts to strum the chords, “Twinkle twinkle little star,” you both begin to sing before you start laughing.

“Can you please just reveal your apartment number so she can visit you and you can sing twinkle twinkle inside!” a voice shouts, a voice that sounded oddly the same as the one the night before.

“Sorry!” you both shout.

“Fuck sake, one night it’s an existential crisis and the next its Twinkle Twinkle, what’s next?” they grumble before the door/window is shut once more.

“This apartment block is so grumpy,” you mumble.

“I know right,” Guitar boy agrees.

“I’m going to bed,” you say.

“Me too. Same time tomorrow?” he asks.

You look at the time on your watch and smile, “I’ll just be getting in from work.”

“I’ll make sure to be playing 9 till 5,” he jokes.

“Very funny.”

“What about Work Bitch by Britney Spears?” he offers.

“Reveal your floor number so I can kick your ass,” you demand jokingly.

“Maybe another time,” he says, “Goodnight Cassiopeia.”

“Goodnight Guitar Boy,” you smile as you stepped into your apartment.

masterlist | ask

a/n: an anon asked for a heartbreaking jungkook series so im gonna deliver but add a bit of fluff because why not

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dieuleveut · 4 years

Text

April 14th, 2018

I’m in Los Angeles.

I’ve been here since February 10th. So...a little over two months? People here still consider me new and fresh, and they’re not wrong. I’ve been doing a pretty great job at learning the new geography, all the neighborhoods and freeways.

Let me update you.

I’ve been living with Jordon who went to Bradley University with me. But I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress in his living room. Totally fine, I’m pretty low-maintenance anyway. Except I had told him I did not plan on crashing in his living for any longer than a month and up until now it had been over two months. Cue liar-anxiety. Then we find out that his roommate Drake will be moving in with his girlfriend in May/June and that his room may be up for grabs. I’m super interested and thus I’m staying in this living room, hoping to squat and slide into Drake’s room. Now, Jordon tells me he has a friend from high school who is moving to LA in June that he prefers to live with. Totally fine. Cue apartment-hunting anxiety again.

Now, my work situation. I moved here to do production work, but it doesn’t pay the bills (yet), so I got hired as a server at Tatsu Ramen at the end of February. The pay is pretty darn good. $13/hr and tips are about 1/3rd times the pay and I’m working close to full time. Insurance once I’ve hit 3 months. Almost everybody is really fun and sweet. Emily is the second newest hire and probably someone I can consider a friend (the first I’ve made in LA outside of Jordon!) She let me crash on her couch after a sleep deprived night and Jordon was hosting a loud brunch party. Vince is someone I would recently consider a friend! We’ve been hanging out quite a bit this past weekend and he’s a pleasant person to do stuff with! Sadly, he’s moving to New York City later this week so it kinda explains the accelerated friendship fun.

He came out drinking with me at some bougie place called The Bungalow that charged $15 for a margarita and $9 for a PBR. Emily met up with us after she got off of work and arrived at 1:30am, which apparently is when LA bars decide to close and stop serving alcohol. So slightly drunk Vince and me and stone-cold sober Emily walk down to Santa Monica beach, because I’m drunk and I hadn’t been to the beach in the two months I’ve been in LA. It was pitch black, sand cold as fuck. Vince and I (separately) break the pee seal in the sand dunes. Public urination FTW. We continue walking towards the ocean, I walk ahead of them in a drunk euphoria. I fucking love the ocean. I kick off my shoes and feel the wet, stiff sand under my feet. I only go ankle deep into the water but I’m content. Behind us, it seems like we’re not the only people in the entirety of Los Angeles who like to come to the beach at night. But it’s dark and the lights of the pier make them into indiscernible shadows. The lights also reflected off of the wet sand, like an upside down world mirrored from the pier. I’m wearing Vince’s denim jacket, barefoot and impossibly happy. My friends are taking pictures, laughing and playing in the water. I hope they were as I happy as I was.

Today, we had plans to head to Manhattan Beach. However, Emily backed out, still feeling the after effects of last night. I showered, got dressed. If anything, I would go alone. I don’t mind doing things on my own. It’s a common theme in my life. Then Vince texts me back saying he’s down. I drive to his place and the sweet man brings out a bottle of water for each of us and recommends we eat at a place nearby called The Public School. It’s cute and school themed, though I spent most of my life trying to avoid school themed things. Before meeting up with Vince, I was honestly nervous hanging out one-on-one with him. I just didn’t know who or what to expect outside of the comfort zone of Tatsu or drinking as a social buffer. And to my surprise, he’s actually really easy to hang out with. I don’t feel a need to impress him and yet I feel like I do. Conversation isn’t forced, it in fact flows really smoothly. And we don’t even crutch on Tatsu talk. We talk about hobbies, thoughts on LA and New York, families. Actually. Now that I think about it, we talked a lot about me. Vince and I are going to the Getty Center Museum tomorrow afternoon. I need to remind myself to ask Vince about himself more.

We also went to the Museum of Jurassic Technology yesterday too! That was fucking weird. But mutually agreed the best $8 spent. Cheaper than a can of PBR. They had such weird artifacts...and facts. Miniature models of mobile homes, paintings of the Russian dogs sent to space, a garden with tea and doves. “I can not think of a better person to have done this with,” Vince concluded after we exited (I only mention this part verbatim because people? like? hanging out with me?). We were supposed to finally hit up Manhattan Beach at this point, but I had an appointment to drop off my new apartment deposit and rent so we agreed to take a short intermission as I dropped him off to his apartment.

I arrive at my new apartment, which is located in a beautiful little family neighborhood. It seems like it has great air and it’s quiet. I would be absolutely ecstatic to be moving into this place if it weren’t a 45 minute commute on my way to work. I guess it balances out the 15 minute commute on my way back from work at 3:00am. And it makes me feel a little better that my roommate Hillary would be commuting over an hour. The apartment itself is super spacious and has beautiful hardwood floors and appliances.

We drop off the checks, go through the inspection and we plan on moving in tomorrow. Luckily, I only have the things that I can pack into my car, so I don’t have much to move. Except that Vince is giving me his mattress, bed frame, TV stand and possibly his TV so I have to find some way to move those.

When we finish all the apartment things, Vince calls me and tells me he actually had something come up and that he won’t be able to make the beach with me. Initially I’m disappointed but then I resolve to go anyway alone. That was my plan from the beginning and actually, this day folded pretty well. I got quality time with Vince and I still get to go to the beach. Parking was a bit of a nightmare but I eventually find a really tight spot (and tight as in literally, not in the dudebro connotation).

I get there and I’m in love. The sand between my toes, the wind, the air, the birds and the ocean waves crashing. The sky is completely spotless and blue, save for the occasional aircraft. Even though it’s a beautiful Saturday evening, the beach is pretty spread out and spacious between everyone. I easily find a spot to sit and enjoy the ocean without people close to me and no one in my view of the sunset. 9/10 absolutely would go again, despite the 30-40minute drive. Only glaring negative was the random middle aged guy who started talking to me. I only engaged in conversation once he mentioned he was from Minnesota (how can I turn away a fellow Minnesotan). But this guy talked to me forever, basically until the sun literally went down. Angry face emoji. It’s fine, except I could not tell what he wanted? Was he just being friendly? Was he trying to hit on me? Was he networking? Why me? The answer to that last one (or I guess all of them) is “because you’re a girl alone on the beach.”

I’m writing a lot. I’m aware. But one last thing I should catch you up on is Jun. He comes last because I honestly have mixed feelings about him. So we had a bit of a pre-dating thing going. You know, where the two of you flirt and are hyperaware when y’all brush up against each other and stuff? We were drinking after work at Emily’s place with a few other coworkers and after everything died down, we crashed on her couch. We stayed up talking for another couple hours, stroking hands and touching until he gets up and kisses me. I’m fucking giddy because I’m kissing Jun and Jun is kissing me. He puts a hand on my breast and starts playing with my nipple, which I put an immediate stop to because fucking Josh (one of our coworkers) is sleeping on the floor near us and Jun’s got me physically wanting to climb him like a tree.

The next night we both work together again and he invites me to come back to his place. We sit and chat for a while over a couple beers before picking up where we left off the night before. I want to keep the dirty deets to myself but in a nutshell, we fucked three times. I came once, which honestly surprised me because it took me a hell of a long time to come with Matt. Jun and I also did it three times without protection. Which yes dear reader, I know it’s fucking stupid and this is the second guy I’ve done that with; having gotten caught up in the moment and just submitting to the moment without caring about the consequences. But both times I eventually convinced myself to take Plan B. I also know that Plan B is not a form of birth control. I still have two months worth of the pill from when I was dating Matt, but I won’t start them unless I’m consistently sexually active. No point in fucking with my hormones if I’m only smashing once in a blue moon. So yes, I went out and bought condoms. A girl will be prepared, even if she hates condoms.

Anyway, Jun. He tells me he doesn’t want anything serious. He tells me he’s going out for drinks with a girl the next night. Twice now he’s been too tired to hang out after work (which is definitely warranted because we’re both up til 3-4am every fucking night closing at Tatsu). As far as it looks, doesn’t seem like any more than a one and done. Which is a bummer. I could mentally/emotionally prepare for a no-strings-attached deal, I just wanted to be with Jun in some capacity but it seems like once we smashed, he didn’t want the same. I can hear my mom’s voice saying some shit like “Guys only want one thing and once they get it they’re out.” First of all, everyone has a fluid amount of sexual drive but everyone also has emotional needs and connections with people. I could easily fuck and chuck Eric from Peoria and be exactly the kind of “guy” my mom thinks guys are. But then there was fucking Ravi who I fucked one time and the guy would not leave me alone. He relentlessly messaged me on Facebook, found my Instagram, Snapchat? Some guys don’t just fuck once and leave, some stick around for more. It’s dependent. Which is why is sucks that the situation with Jun is what it is. But looking at “fate” or whatever, it makes sense. There were just small instances where I felt like I was being told, “hey this isn’t meant to happen.” Things that are meant to happen will be pushed in the right direction. Like today with Vince and the beach. Life told me that I should hang out with Vince by getting lunch and experiencing The Museum of Jurassic Technology, and then it told me that Manhattan Beach is just for me.

Despite my lack of romantic success, I feel good. Things seem to be falling into the right place at the right times. I have an apartment, I have people who I enjoy being with and doing stuff with. I have someone who believes in my skills and my potential (Vince, who has been pushing for my promotion at Tatsu and providing me some serious support.) Everything that will be will be.

---

1:34am (technically April 15th)

I just remembered something that Vince told me last night at the Bungalow that I want to write down for my fragile ego’s sake:

“Apparently you have a fan base at Tatsu. I had a customer come in yesterday and ask me ‘is Juliet working tonight? I have some friends I want to bring in to meet her, is she working this weekend?”

Vince couldn’t tell me the name or face of the guy who asked but I am beyond thrilled/happy/giddy that a CUSTOMER knows my name, my face and LIKES me enough to want to have his friends meet me *flips hair.* As someone who obsessively checks the Yelp reviews for mentions of a “cute helpful Asian waitress” or my actual name, this will be an integral part of my self-esteem :)

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kameachaeli · 5 years

Text

to my longest relationship

Alternate Title: Dear Depression

This is the longest relationship that I’ve ever had.

You wrap your arms around me every night, lulling me to the blaring of the world, leaving me vulnerable to only your embrace and my own thoughts. You were always more of a “stay-in-bed” kinda person, and so, in order to please you, I’d do just that.

It was always just you and I.

I ignored the beckoning of my friends, you know the ones.

The ones who see you every so often and always give you this… look.

This look of pity, this look of disdain. Because they don’t approve of us together.

But rather than listen to them: I stay with you.

You murmur words into my ear that would follow me into my dreams.

Eventually, it got to the point where you enveloped so much of my mind that I could not stay asleep for longer than four hours at a time. Even still, I jolt awake at 4am, reaching for my chest, with a rapid heartbeat pounding against it.

Perhaps that is why I choose to fall asleep during the daytime.

Because those are the times where you’re not so close to me. Perhaps you have an aversion to the sun; we’re alike in that sense. I draw the blinds close, but its light still peeks through every so often. My dad would tell me that the sun could kill bacteria: maybe it helps clean up the recesses of my own mind.

But once I wake up, there you are.

There to greet me anew.

You were the only constant in my life.

You were there during my lows, my highs, my losses, my successes.

You were always there. Whether you made your presence obvious was dependent, but I know you were always there.

Because we’re interconnected, you and I.

You were with me in that restroom, you know the one.

The one where I skipped Anatomy to go there and down thirty painkillers with this weird fusion cocktail of day-old French Vanilla coffee and high school bathroom sink water.

You were trying to hush me: keep me silent rather than bother anyone.

I should’ve listened to you.

But I called people instead.

Was it some kind of ploy to get attention?

You always told me I craved it constantly.

My mom picked me up after a distressed call from my cousin at the time.

But for once, you were silent.

And I felt peace for the first time in a long time.

Then it all fell apart again.

I should’ve known that peace will always evade me.

At least, while you’re around.

You told me that I should never have it because that means I would become stagnant.

You were there with me in my bedroom, you know the one.

The one where you have the strongest presence. The one where you embraced me throughout all my days of middle school and high school.

The one where I took the antidepressants I had been storing away for a time like that. Except rather than just taking the two, like prescribed, I took, well, two bottles.

(And a third one of sleeping medication, just in case.)

Again, you told me to succumb to sleep, to stay silent.

But part of me felt guilty. And I betrayed you once again.

One text, I told myself. One text to a friend in England.

I didn’t expect that he would contact our mutual friends who drove straight to my house.

My mom caught them along the way.

I was tired.

I don’t remember much.

I was taken to the Emergency Room.

Were you there?

I apparently wouldn’t stop saying, “I’m so tired. Just let me sleep.”

But they wouldn’t let me sleep.

You would’ve let me, wouldn’t you?

You were always kind in that regard.

I really don’t remember any of it.

I apparently had seizures. I had two of them.

I probably looked absolutely ridiculous.

Who knows?

I apparently had friends who drove up from Sugar Land to Willowbrook to pray over me.

Six of them came. They broke the two person rule.

I wonder if they could see the bruises you left on me while in such a cramped space.

They stayed until 6am or so.

I don’t know why. I couldn’t talk to them.

But they stayed.

I was put into a coma. For all of Friday.

Well, you probably would’ve enjoyed that.

Not having to do anything on a Friday.

I woke up Saturday morning.

With a tube stuck down my throat, a machine breathing for me.

My arms and legs bound to the bed.

I quickly realized where I was, and I wanted to cry out:

“Why do I fail at everything?”

You always told me that.

Always told me that failure should be what is expected of me.

I shouldn’t try and fight against it.

However, once I woke up, it seemed as though you decided to leave me.

I was transferred into another room: one where people could easily visit me.

And never was I alone in the room. Friends, family.

God, I forgot what it was like for it to not just be you and I.

I couldn’t really talk to my friends.

The, uh, whole having a tube down my throat really did a number on my voice.

Not that you would have minded: you always hated the sound of it.

But my friends came.

They came from Louisiana, Rhode Island, and all across Texas.

They brought me Chickfila. Boba. Banh mi. Chocolates. Stuffed animals. Flowers.

(So. Many. Flowers.)

Too bad I couldn’t say much.

But I guess because I couldn’t talk, their words spoke volumes.

I wonder what they would say now.

So many people have left me because of you.

Because of my dedication to you.

You always wanted to be known. Always wanted to be heard.

So, I spoke for you. Because you’re such an integral part of me.

But because of that: people left me.

So… many people left.

You always told me that I wasn’t worth staying for.

I started to believe it.

(I still kind of do.)

But now… it’s strange.

People are fighting.

Fighting for me.

It’s… it’s strange.

They’re not fighting because they want to save me.

They’re not fighting because they feel obligated to.

They’re not fighting because they don’t think I’m strong enough.

They’re fighting because they love me.

And what a strange feeling it is.

The longest relationship I’ve ever had was with you.

And yours is the only one that’s ever lacked any love.

But we are bound to each other.

I cannot exist without you.

So, what is there to do?

I don’t know.

Maybe we can talk about it like civilized people over some coffee rather than over a prescription bottle. Maybe I can bring in someone who can help us sort this all out.

I think I’d prefer that.

Thinking about the future terrifies me.

I wish I could say that that was the past tense.

But because of you, I hardly ever put my faith into tomorrow.

But when I see those faces, you know the ones.

The ones who smile at me with the most radiating of grins.

The ones who poke fun at me and make me feel like I’m not crazy.

The ones who show their love through words, actions, and time.

The ones who help me forget about you.

I think that maybe tomorrow isn’t so scary.

Not as long as they’re there.

#alternate title: dear depression #6 January 2017 #9:52pm #letter #prose

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itsmosblog · 7 years

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Airy? Airy? I’ll give you airy!

Endurance - there’s the thing. You gotta keep at it. So in honour of the day before Summer Solstice (because it was the clearer evening and because we could both afford to be knackered on Wednesday morning but not Thursday) I suggested we go up Ben Nevis via the Carn Mor Dearg Arete instead of going to bed. It has been fairly well documented that I don’t like high places - especially not exposed places - but surely with a bit of determination I could overcome that. If not now, then when?

Alistair Humphreys of the Microadventure concept asks us what can we do with the 5pm to 9am between a standard days work. Especially with all that daylight about. http://www.alastairhumphreys.com/microadventures-3/

Spook and I have felt too old and tired for adventure recently and we sought to turn this around by just making the decision and getting on with it. He kept asking me “Do you definitely want to do this?” And I kept saying “Of course I do.” whilst both of us were thinking “oh god - do we really need to?”

We were crossing the stile onto the track up into the Ben Nevis gully by 9.30pm and it wasn’t long before we were trying to outpace the sun as it went down, and the shadow on The Ben went up. We caught it eventually and already some endorphins had kicked in.

We let the sun go eventually as the going got steeper and the view back to the west was worth it regardless. Further down the path we’d met a fit looking, weather beaten man, carrying a rock in each fist. He informed us that rain was coming in tomorrow - maybe he could feel it in the rocks. If I had been on my own, my over-active imagination would have assumed he was going to beat me to death with the rocks. Later, Spook commented that Noel Williams was probably right about the rain and I asked him when he’d consulted Mr Williams on the weather report. He said -” back there on the path!” I have read bits and pieces of Noel Williams writings on the geology of The Ben, but never met him. It made me giggle that he happened to be walking down the path carrying rocks. Classic. Does he always take a rock home with him? He had been one of Spooks favourite teachers at the High School. If you want to meet him, you can - see below. Well, too late this year, but maybe next year (he’s apparently not dangerous at all.)

http://lochabergeopark.org.uk/spring17-local-geology-course/

Happy, “we love adventure and aren’t that old or tired” emotions were still in plentiful supply at 11pm as Spook saw the snow man on The North Face and I tried to be a snow angel.

10 minutes later I added a few more items of clothing....

But there was still the arete to face. Seeing it from the CMD summit is not the same as seeing it from my kitchen window. I don’t care how easy they say it is, I still require to have 3 limbs attached to the rocks at all times with the 4th limb only unattached long enough to reach out for the next hold.

Richmountainexperiences charge £180 to guide an individual across this route which they describe as “airy but never difficult”(!!!!!!!!!!) and Spook is now considering invoicing me this amount plus extra for the emotional strain he experienced due to me crossing it on all fours in a crab-like manouevre in the middle of the night. He has no idea how uncomfortable the gut feels after 1.5hrs of being bent double and hyper ventilating from fear. It was just as well I had asked for this......determination was reaching bursting point and love was hanging by the balance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkbEyaAr-Sg (a winters view - no worse or better than a Summer Solstice one)

The scramble up the back of the Ben to reach the summit was conducted in mist - the only time we put the head torches on as now that I was not on all fours, I couldn’t see the definition and contours of the rocks so well, and getting a foot stuck between rocks was not to be recommended. Spooks guidance and confidence at this point was probably worth more the £180 - perhaps an uncomplaining and grateful wife for ever more (though that value fades with daylight and solid ground,)

1.45am, at the summit of Ben Nevis, we shared a sandwich and chocolate as the line of light around the horizon stayed the same. Spook had thought we might bivvy down and wait for sunrise at 4.27am, but we are no Mary and Alex Gillespie (now in their 80′s but still much more likely to nip up the Ben and Bivvy down for sunrise than we are.) There is a lovely photograph of Mary holding the sun in her hand, but whilst most of us up here in Lochaber want some of the Alex and Mary experience, we’re not willing to put in the effort, so off we headed for home.

Not that heading for home was that much easier, although no longer clinging to rocks on terrifying high ground, we were now well past bed time and even the familiar ground had us sliding awkwardly and going over ankles. We used head torches for about a further 30 mins and then it was easily light enough without them. There were quite a few hardy souls heading up for the sunrise, but I was glad to be going in the other direction.

The going got softer as we crossed the bog by which time we didn’t care how wet our feet were.

My worn out guide kept shouting “VELCRO” at me as I got my rucksack stuck on a tree trying to get across the burn and desperately cling to my water bottle as if this was going to save me . This is what Big Roddy the Gamekeeper tells us the German guests say when they have to hit the ground to hide from the deer. It’s good that he can still come up with colourful language at this hour.

Whilst I had no language left at all by 4am - nada, rien, niets, gar nichts, chan eil. But still had my water bottle.

But we DID see the sunrise - from our bedroom window.

Next year I am just going to set the alarm.

#Summer Solstice #CMDarete #carn mor dearg #Ben Nevis #OCUK #Fort William #Lochaber #West Highlands #alastair humphreys #Microadventure

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strawberry-and-neon · 7 years

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...All of them. Por favor.

*cracks knuckles*

1. The real reason I’m confused is a question that no one thinks about; why does Charlie the tuna advertise for a tuna commercial. Why is he selling us tuna. Why is no one bothered by this.

2. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten good morning texts; but on everyone else’s behalf, this is probably a wise thing.

3. I would only care if they smoked pot instead of doing anything else, like why am I paying for your vices, I’ve got my own to worry over, why am I involved

4. Not particularly, especially if the other is a stranger. Or if the other starts questioning me about god at four in the morning and there’s no one else around

5. Organizing a shit-ton of prompts

6. Nobody; I would not be drunk or lost walking down a road. I don’t drink. I don’t get lost. That is not me. Run.

7. Heaven help the hapless soul who cheats on me, for I have no mercy. And heaven’s the only thing that’s gonna save them.

8. Not particularly, but I’ve been told we have similar personalities

9. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, no

10. Abient-wise: the thunderstorm that’s going to roll through. Music-wise: Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack

11. I feel like this is a trick question… so I will give a trick answer. Water, because you can make nearly every liquid drink known to mankind, and the question never specified whether or not you can add things to the liquid.

12. I’ll let you know when I’ve had one; probably wouldn’t care, I get random bruises already

13. Usually around 4am… don’t judge me, 4am is the best time for stuff

14. Uhhh… no, actually, thank goodness

15. I can text fast with one hand. I can text fast with the other. Ironically, I trip myself up when using both hands at the same time

16. I have the annoying habit of trying to answer /everything/, even if it’s ridiculous and doesn’t need an answer, so yes. Just don’t expect it the same day

17. Nope, I don’t think I’ve ever fallen hard for anyone, actually… so can’t hate them *shrugs*

18. Last night, 1 in the morning

19. Yes.

20. “I bet if I just finish this sentence, I’ll be able to quickly finish this smut piece tomorrow at some point…”

21. I certainly hope there’s no one in this room with me right now

22. No, what, that’d be ridiculous *nervous laughter*

23. I was still doing school, so no, not happier at all. I will only be happy when my mortal enemy is defeated.

24. *the magic conch says* try asking later

25. Uhh, yes, but because of characters. And stuff. You know the stuff. You know why.

26. Black like the void

27. Nope. If they do, I just keep walking, because who are they. How did they find me.

28. …Actually, all my characters are listening to me for a change, this is incredible; it’s a miracle!

29. Absolutely

30. Not really, mainly cause I’ve never kissed anyone. And if I had, there’s a reason they’re my ex. Go right ahead.

31. A family member, about going to IHop this morning; I got chocolate pancakes.

32. Nobody specific, really… okay, I take that back, Tom and Rodrick because they deserve to be hated

33. Nope, unless you count platonic kisses, in which case yes

34. Do I get points if I make up a birthday?

35. According to my horrible math skills, 337 days

36. Um… summer school… vacation in August… I don’t have a summer

37. Yep, but I don’t talk to them as often anymore

38. I am definitely keeping something, but only cause it’s not done yet

39. Possibly, if I could be bothered to remember it

40. See, the great thing about never kissing anyone before is I don’t have to regret a damn thing

41. In certain cases; but if they’re both consenting adults, who cares

42. Available for what? For hire? For dating? For the third Wednesday of October? Yes, I suppose, and no, in that order.

43. Ummm… define “real strong feelings” because I’d argue no…

44. First, I would question why I had to get one; second, I’d probably get a second ear piercing on my left ear. Or third. Why not.

45. Yes, but it depends on the exes

46. I have no regrets; even if I did have any regrets, I can’t have regrets

47. “If I could just sit down and focus, I could get a lot more done” “Don’t be ridiculous, we both know you can’t focus that long anymore, you’d get distracted by literally any passing thought or noise” “But-” “Just sit your butt down and draw, it’s the only thing you can do that you won’t be distracted while doing”

48. I lost one at 7 because we moved; after that, I only lost fake friends, and I‘m okay with losing those

49. I should actually go and kiss someone, that’ll show you

50. Because I told myself to not get into another relationship right now; also because what is “like” and how does this emotion thing work

51. How many questions can there be about kissing?

52. THERE’S ANOTHER ONE :O Nope, I don’t

53. Kit-kats

54. I complimented myself for getting out of bed at a reasonable time, so yes

55. Dude, I wish I knew. Out of the many options, I hope it’s Disney… or Pompeii…

56. I own several foreign coins, a Japanese-made doll, and a few other things from Hawaii and Alaska; yes I know they’re not other countries; but they’re far enough away to be

57. Hmm… at the moment, mostly girls?

58. Texas, it’s the longest place I’ve lived to date; not by much, only slightly

59. A couple months ago, to an optometrist

60. Nope, should I?

61. I watched other people do it and laughed at them, but nope

62. Family members…?

63. In general: The Emperor’s New Groove. At theaters: Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Go watch it.

64. No clue, I’ll ask when I have a boyfriend/girlfriend

65. Uhhh… zero I think?

66. Nope

67. Heck no, I want to live to see graduation

68. No, summer lasts way too long and it’s /hot/. It’s hot right now. There’s no wind, it’s so humid, there’s sun; the only good thing about this is there are regular thunderstorms, but it’s /too hot/.

69. Short and sarcastic

70. Monogamous, I tend to have jealousy issues, so for the safety of human-kind…

71. Not yet, but who knows what will happen

72. Writing about it is fun

73. I can’t even flirt, what the-

74. Coyote take opportunity; coyote see no opportunity, so coyote take none

75. Eyes? Eyes. Yes. Or hair. Maybe. I don’t know. WHy are you asking me this-

76. Mah best friend

77. Does writing about this count? Dude, I won’t even kiss someone I’ve known for less than an hour

78. Again, same answer as above

79. My OTPs doing cute stuff together

80. Sure, kids are great

81. Yerp, once

82. No. What crush. I’ve never seen that crush before in my life. You can’t prove anything, and if you can, you won’t be able to hide

83. Uhhh… what? No.

84. I’ve literally never slow-danced in my life

85. Like fake dating? No, but I’ve considered it a few times

86. Books and chocolate

87. Taurus

88. Eating chocolate covered nuts, blissfully unaware I would be spending the next eight hours binge-watching Series of Unfortunate Events

89. Absolutely; I bake too, I just hate cleaning up afterwards

90. Nope. “I never look back, darling, it distracts from the now”

91. 100% no; I’ll take life as it comes, but I’m definitely not wishing to be in a relationship

92. I don’t really date… mostly monogamous relationships for the time being, but if it were just a one time date thing, sounds like fun; no strings

93. Interest in what? Like shiny things? I love shiny things, especially colorful shiny things… or things that make nice chimey sounds and are shiny and colorful… what were we talking about?

94. The power to punch people over the internet, a fairy to write for me when writer’s block strikes, a button to stop time so I can get enough sleep, and money so I can go places/visit people

95. I don’t even like playing board games, let alone people

96. I kissed two books in one day; I hope they don’t find out

97. If sarcasm counts as teasing, then yes; if not, I can’t help you

98. Nope, but I haven’t to meet Tumblreans, so…

99. No? Well maybe. Sort of. I don’t know. Probably not by conventional standards.

100. No clue, will there be breadsticks… *coughs*

101. Hugs? Wait, how well do I know this person

102. No, just too weird

103. “Nice t-shirt”

104. Umm… raises eyebrows, but is preferable to “doll”… I guess it’s cute?

105. No. Nope. Not happening. Doesn’t matter the sex appeal, not getting into that mess. Pretty obvious what they’re looking for.

106. I don’t even know when people are flirting with me

107. Make out scene between Berin and Correnten; good times…

108. Nope

109. Well I haven’t, but the same doesn’t go for my characters

110. I have a list, but I’m not talking. You can’t make me talk. Ahahahaha!

111. Who /really/ knows who they’re kissing next…

112. No clue, but if I did and they were hinting, I probably still wouldn’t know

113. Maybe? What are you, the FB-

114. Serious relationships, I guess.

115. Nope, haven’t; might happen, I dunno, haven’t gotten that far yet

116. Does anyone really know the answer to that question?

117. Dunno the question, but: Let’s sit around the campfire and sing the campfire song

the C A M P F I R E S O N G song

and if you don’t think that we can’t sing it faster, then you’re wrong

but it would help if you just sing along

#my answers #shadowdragonss #this didn't take as long as I thought it would #be prepared Jess #questions are coming

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100percentforsure · 6 years

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Taylor and Emma Take the Mara

Again, things are volatile. We fly back to the Wilson airport to board to the Masai Mara, and without time to pull out cash, are whisked on to a plane waiting for us, and I SEE RICHARD!!! The plane is full of white people with southern accents and terrible dye jobs and tourist outfits. Emma and I are unhappy. We are going to the Mara for the migration - a national park with rules, regulations, way more animals, but also, way more people. This is expected. On a layover, I leave to use the bathroom and while I am running back, Giant Richard tells me “pole pole,” and compliments my necklace from Emma I have worn. Next thing I know I am crying to him too now and we are holding hands and hugging. I want to also add Richard to my posse of African’s I want to have around me all the time. I come back to the plane, can’t find Emma, get the attendant involved ‘WHERE DID SHE GO??” and upon further investigation, find her adorably sleeping with her other necklace in hand.

We land in the Mara and it feels like we are going to war - cruisers surrounding us waiting for pick up, guides in traditional outfits, a free for all. Our next guide, Vinnie, plucks us and our baggage out of the mix, along with a few other passengers who will BE IN OUR TOUR GROUP UGGGHHHHHH and we make small talk and assert ourselves and the alpha’s of the group (or as the guides call them “The Big Boys” - in our case, girls). At one point one of the guests in our group points out a hibiscus flower and Vinnie kills the engine for us to look at it. What the fuck, Vinnie? Emma and I shoot each other glances and just know. We know. We know that even though we are staying at one of the best camps in the Mara, we are not in Kansas anymore. The kid of the group is not even acting excited, despite this being his first trip ever to Africa, and Emma and I know we are not going to be able to do this.

The camp is a glamorous tent set up, overlooking the Mara River, with crocodiles and hippos feet away from you (and that sound like they are in your room at night). There is great food and staff (Lenny and Isaac), and we pull the camp director aside regarding our cruiser mates and try our hand at the negotiations we have come to love in this country. I will save the details but at one point I let him know “The gig ... is up.” They understand and the next morning after our balloon ride, we will have Vinnie to ourselves for about 7 hours of a combination I can only describe as bliss and hell. We settle into our room, have tea and cake, I call my family who are on an early morning walk, and have a passion fruit cocktail. At 4:30, we head out on a game drive with Vinnie who is driving about 5 miles an hour, which we give him infinite shit about, and see some wildebeast, zebras, and then a LEOPARD EATING A GAZELLE IN A TREE!! (Leopards can carry 3 times their weight up trees). When we approach, it is a murder scene of only the half eaten gazelle hanging (no Leopard), and about 30 cars with lenses propped, waiting for the right moment to click the shutter. Emma puts her hair up in a gorgeous wraps and we ask Vinnie how many cows our dowry would be worth. He says 18 for me, 19 for Emma if she wears her hair like that. We celebrate. Sure enough, the cub comes bouncing up adorably and greets his mom, who has been sleeping under the tree like a lazy bum the whole time. Up he goes for his snack, and eventually the rest of the gazelle snaps in half (they eat from the soft belly meat) and lands on the ground and a HYENA comes to eat it. We miss this all because of the stupid RULES OF THE PARK and learn from a family at dinner who is very proud of themselves for seeing it.

Back at the lodge, we are met with our hot air balloon guy, Joseph to suss out plans for tomorrow’s 4am wake up call and share insider information (Emma, you know what I am talking about). At this time, Emma and I have decided the only way to deal with all the tourists is to get drunk on wine. We are eventually seated for dinner across from each other where we will clear the air with everyone who thought we might be lesbians. Myth busted! Lenny pours more wine. We sit with a progressive British family who have great stories of travel, taking a car cross country in the US and then dumping it and not allowed back in the states, and their three adorable, one especially flirtatious, boys. The youngest one is the sweetest, softest, roundest boy of all time ( “Ned”...) who I love the most and find myself just smiling at. More, immeasurable wine poured by LENNYYYYY. There is a girl there who only eats pasta and butter for the entire trip and I find myself equal parts appalled and jealous. Wine. People find out who Emma worked and the floor is now ours, which is about the same time, coincidentally we leave early because we 1. are brats 2. have slept an average 4 hours of the entire trip 3. are now blitzed and are waking up at the butt-crack of dawn 4. Don’t like anyone there to begin with.

I try to sleep to the sound of what sounds like hippos being murdered in the night and am awoken finally at 4am by our wake up call for the balloon, which is just an African man with fresh pressed coffee letting himself into our tent via the giant zipper. We find out about 4 different kind of animals trapsed through the camp that night, which we never know if it is a tall tale or not, but appreciate Isaac and his spear and flashlight nonetheless. We get in the covered cruiser with Joe, wrap ourselves in shukas, bounce around while suffering exhaustion and only the plausible negative effects of the quickly guzzled but not effective coffee. “Taylor, this might be the time.”

After an hour of torture, we get to Governers camp and a river with a string across it. “Are you guys sisters?” Emma asks if this is African’s way of tongue in cheek asking if we are gay, WHICH WE ARE SICK OF, because of course we aren’t sisters, and I guess they really just do think we are sisters. We get in a gondola and a guy pulls us across the string and it feels like we are going to the enchanted castle. We are so, so sososo tired. We walk past some camp quarters and get to the balloons, hear some rules, drink more ineffective coffee, and then realized how incredibly blessed we are because the only people we have to share a basket with are Spanish tourists. A language barrier. No small talk. Just us, our Australian captain, our hot air balloon, and 14 pleasant strangers. We find out there is going to be a crash landing which we did not know about, and watch the balloons heat up and expand. It is so beautiful. The men in jumpsuits, the anticipation of the flight, the contrast of their darkness with the fire behind them. In a row, the balloons one after another heat up, expand, fill with people, and take off. And then it is our turn. With a translator talking all the while, we tuck into our basket and take off. We are lucky to be able to witness one more balloon after us, see it from above and become smaller as we drift away, the sheer size of it minimizing in seconds. It is so overwhelming, and of course I am crying.

For the ride, you are a bird. Everything is quiet, it is peaceful, and you are perfectly focused soaking up every single single second of the miracle that you are somehow in the sky. You go as high or as low as you want. Everywhere you look is beautiful. The colors of the balloon, the fire, the morning light on the skin of happy people’s faces, the trees and animals below. We don’t see trees like that ever. Ever! And then the basket gently spins. You get different views and perspectives and then the sun is rising and you cannot believe how lucky you are and what you did right in this life or another to have an opportunity to experience this, ever. You are so thankful.

We see wide open plains, forests, the Mara River. We see hippos (who make natural sunscreen), plains game, crocodiles, giraffes. We realize the last balloon to leave has somehow passed us, we realize that we are going both higher and lower than all the other balloons. We realize we scored the best captain with the tenure to do these maneuvers and also is keeping us in the sky the longest. We love him.

It’s time to land. The basket scoots a couple times on the ground and then tips, we are howling all the while. We find out later there have been plenty of animal encounters during this portion of the flight - one of them requiring all passengers to get back in the basket and take off again (lion!). We are gathered by Joe and head to an open plains breakfast with champagne and sausage and crepes, hear incredible stories from our captain, and get sold on a rhino encounter GUARANTEE FOR THE DAY. We don’t see a rhino, because the rhino runs into the forest. We will make Vinnie take us to see baby elephants basically the entire day instead.

Okay so breakfast is over and Vinnie shows up alone, (TG for Rekero staff), but the joke is on us because Vinnie takes us around the entire fucking national park for the next 8 hours with no breaks. Again, most of it is us pointing to baby elephants, but still, it is extremely tiring. We crawl up into the front seat, trying desperately to recreate a semblance of what we had with the boys, but just can’t seem to spark a flame. I crawl into the back seat as I can feel my energy tapping out; Emma knows exactly what is happening and lets me be me, and explains to Vinnie what I need. He takes us to some wide open spaces that I will always be thankful for - in the delusion of exhaustion and clarity that comes with complete surrender, I realize feeling this small and fabulously insignificant in this world, that my problems don’t matter, and that I am a very small piece of this great big puzzle that has so much more than my problems - is exactly what I have been looking for. It’s breathing space. It’s one of my favorite moments.

We get back to the camp at 3. They have saved us dinner. We are dragging. Dragging in new ways. We can’t even speak English anymore, formulate a thought, we can’t ask for what we want. Emma drinks regular water so you know she’s on deaths doorstep. I leave to the bathroom and miss the migration. Emma can feel her legs start to go and says “Taylor, if I were to fall right now, I would cry. Almost anything, at all, right now will make me cry.” We eat, we decide we are NOT going on the game drive, and nap instead.

Upon our wake up, we hunt down Lenny. Lenny is our age, very thin, has a doll like face, and is from the same tribe as Isaac. HE IS FUNNY. He tells us about the drinks, (“A croc... on the rocks....”), we make fun of how he always says my name (imagine I am getting in trouble, like “Taaaaaayyyllooooorrrrr.....!”), and tell him to meet us in the hideaway reading tent so we can get the juice. We also do ask for a croc on the rocs which is basically a White Russian with Amurulo. While he is there we start to get PERSONAL. What do you like to do, why this, why that, why do you have these scars. Lenny has these three little scars on each of side of the bridge of his nose, so faint you can barely even see them. I think they are fabulous. He tells us when he was little, he cried a lot. Maasai believe the cuts there, will make you stop crying. Vinnie confirms later its because your SALTY TEARS pour into the OPEN WOUND and it hurts so bad that you STOP CRYING. We are shocked. The Maasai are so tough its ridiculous. We count the burn scars on his legs and arms (toughening), and realize Lenny is pretty unbelievable. He tries to talk to us about soccer but we don’t care. We ask him why he is Maasai but doesnt have a “J name” but find out his name has been Jalenny, not Lenny, this whole fucking time. He points to his bracelet as proof. It says “J-A-L-E-N-N-Y”) He tries to give me said bracelet but it snaps when while he is removing it and then we just have to look at each other, wincing while beads roll off into every direction into the jungle.

Paul comes in to help set the table and we notice he has a very, very cool beaded belt with alternating Kenyan and American flags. “I got this when Barack Obama was president.” The manager comes in, we agree to a sundowner, and some outspoken, uninvited person tags along who is getting on my nerves and I say I have to go get a sweater and just leave. I will find my melted croc on the rocks there, hours later. Emma comes in after getting off the phone and is now trapped, which was incredibly poor form as far as friendship goes on my part.

We have our last dinner, which Vinnie comes out for (”Vinne... do you.... like to play video games...??”) and we sleep well and wake up for out last game drive, see some cheetahs and a “big boy” lion that walks behind our car, and have a beautiful last meal outside. We run back to the camp to hug everyone goodbye, but mostly Jalenny, and make our flight to the Island of Lamu.

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