#like. do i KNOW. that im not autistic.

[rubysparx]

Honestly I don't think I'm qualified to make this post, I just don't know if I can make coherent enough words man. But the thoughts are in there and I will try to articulate them. This is probably going to be mostly images though. anyway yeah KABRU POST.

A couple nights ago (at approximately 2:30am, lasting a little over half an hour) I had a bit of a moment about Kabru. That, too, was mostly images- most of what you see in this more concise post were presented then as well. I think my main points of the "moment" were about Kabru's trauma + self hatred, his autism and/or general otherness, and also a little labru if you'd like..

I think something easy to start with is I wanna point out Kabru's constant back and forth and conflicting opinions of demihumans and how, I believe, thats a reflection of how he goes back and forth on what he believes his purpose of living is- and the general worth of his own life. I've said it before and i've just kinda shown it in images; Kabru is "i think im a monster and it disgusts me" where Laios is "I know im a human and it disgusts me" (i could go more into the latter on another post)

the above are both from the world bible, with the left being from the section on kobolds and the right being from the section on Kuro specifically. Utaya was very near to the desert where most of the kobold population is, this is likely why Kabru is able to speak Kuro's language- he grew up around demihumans. (chapter 48 cover, kobold chapter in the world bible) I won't try to speak for how his mother or the rest of utaya felt about the kobolds but I can say that Kabru was very much othered as a child, as was his mother, purely for the way her son's (kabru) eyes looked.

I feel like its fair enough to say that both kabru and the kobolds were othered, and possibly for similar reasons (villager's seeing them as nonhuman, as monsters) and the fact that Kabru learned their language probably didn't help his case. I think his perception of kobolds (and all demihumans, subsequently himself, as he probably still views himself as nonhuman or not human enough.. deep down) was damaged by the Utaya incident. at 2:30am when I first started this ramble my main comment was that "had the utaya incident not happened kabru would have little reason to feel ashamed for his connection to monsters. and may have ended up similar to laios in that he couldve had otherkin swag" which is just a sort of silly way of saying Kabru could've learned to love the thought that he is possibly nonhuman or at least not hated himself so much for it.

in the original ramble I said, and quote, "he has been STALKING laios. laios is his hyperfixation to learn how he can ever be loved. he keeps going back and forth so harshly on wether or not he wants to kill Laios and he clearly sees his survival from utaya not as an unfortunate trauma [*] but as a necessary, deserved fate. a punishment for his mother's witchy sins, and for his sin of being non-human. to atone for it all, to apologize for being alive, he tries to better the lives of all humanity. He was set on his way to dethrone the governor of the island . do you understand? im going insane" *i also said somethings about the way he processes other people's traumas and not his own. He's able to understand and even help some people, but he struggles to process his own issues and see himself as worthy of love and life.

^some examples of Kabru being understanding of or helping others who have suffered greatly. I think its also worth mentioning that with Rin (called "Lynn" in that translation) he says "I wish there was a way to get her out of this" though he's insisted and pushed for himself to go into a dungeon;

In chapter 94, Mithrun says "The desire I had left wasn't revenge. All I wanted.. was for it to finish devouring me." and I don't feel like it's a stretch to say Kabru was in a similar situation. Mithrun sought out the demon with no plan on how to kill something like that because deep down he wanted it to end his (Mithrun's) own life, to finish the trauma it caused and kill him. I think Kabru went into the dungeon in part with the hopes that it'd kill him. That the same thing that destroyed Utaya and caused him so much trauma would just.. finish him.

I just think Kabru is a beautifully complex character, I have a lotta thoughts on him and I don't see nearly as many analysis posts for him than I do Laios (despite labru being such a popular ship)

there is no tldr for this post idk how to summarize it. do what you will with this collection of images. have fun. go crazy

fun fact the woman in the bottom left corner is his mother, she is labeled here as "witch"

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dunmeshi #kabru #kabru dungeon meshi #kabios #labru #yeah its a long post i dont care. read it #also i only mentioned it briefly but i do think kabru is autistic . #yk that post thats like 'no im not autistic i know all the social cues etc etc etc. hey wait a minute' yeah. that #ok whatever. starts making another laios post

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big. #the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort. #but it still feels like... #when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing. #they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly? #and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go) #and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW." #''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.'' #and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

[hopefullyababe]

i feel like this is telling

#daphnes talking again #like. do i KNOW. that im not autistic. #yes. probably. ok maybe. #its Likely. #right. #im just not sure #all my friends are autistic #like its not weird to be friends with autistic ppl obviously. thats really normal. #there are alot of autistic ppl to be friends w #:) #but anyway uhhh i think it IS weird. that its ALL of them #like every single one #like. the fact that i seemingly attract neurodivergence is like. sus to me. #theres gotta be a reason right #unless its all just coincedence #i mean. it might jsut be that autistic bitches go way harder and thats why they stick around in my life. #that seems like way more likely. literally nothing is better than a bit of brain spice. it makes me like someone like 200 percent more #anyway sorry for like. this crisis ive been having for half a year. #my therapist told me i dont exhibit symptoms so. im assuming im neurotypical

[homolobotomized]

kabru going thru the labors of hercules (and dying more than any other named character) specifically because he wanted to listen to laios infodump ab his special interest is making me crazy like what do you MEAN..........

#dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #kabru #laios #labru #shut up homo #dungeon meshi spoilers #i knew before i started the series thayt he wanted to be friends #but i was living under the assumption that it was like. after encountering him in the dungeon #and not that he'd do what he hated most to get to know laios #like im not crazy for feeling crazy right #also also also #laios saying shuros about the only person who'd call him a friend #and shuro in reality 'not being able to stand' laios #vs kabru doing All That just to be friends with laios #i am rattling the bars of my cage #me and the bad bitch i pulled by being autistic #or whatever

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I need to clean my room but I can't clean my room because in order to clean my room I have to clean my room

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #autistic #autism spectrum disorder #like i need to clear off my bed/change sheets/and start that laundry first #but i cant do that because i dont have enough hangers to put away the clean clothes currently on my bed #so i need to go through my closet and get rid of stuff #i need to do thaf anyway because i got some new clothes and i have a bunch of stuff that im not going to wear #but i cant do that because i dont have anywhere to put the stuff i want to get rid of #ya know until i can actually take it to the thift store or whatever #and i dont have space because i need to pick up the stuff on the floor #but some of that stuff has to go certain places that i cant get to rn #because theres stuff on the floor

[teaboot]

Theoretically I enjoy living with people but unfortunately when you tell people you're a neuroatypical raccoon with twelve ongoing hobbies, completely random work hours, and a series of admittedly unusual lifelong compulsions they tend to hear that and go "oh haha you're trying to be Quirky okay" and then save their ten million questions and concerns for when you can't run away

#Im venting #Sometimes I HAVE TO sleep on the floor #Sometimes I HAVE TO stand on the coffee table #I own a blowtorch because sometimes I NEED TO USE A BLOWTORCH #What kind of lives are yall leading that you just NEVER HAD AN OOPSIE AND SPILLED BEESWAX IN THE KITCHEN #Like what isn't clicking here #'Why do you have a trumpet if you can't play the trumpets because I'm an ADULT #'The leopard is creepy' your FACE is creepy #Objectively I am aware that the way I do things is Not Normal but it's Normal For Me #And so many people demanding REASONS and it's exhaustingggg #I'm autistic I'm bored and I have ten thousand hobbies and a zest for life #If you don't wanna make paper mache body armor at 3pm on a Wednesday just be open about that #But like #I did warn you #I warn EVERYONE so I KNOW I WARNED YOU #*screeching*

[disconnected-dragon]

yknow I really didn't think it was possible to make me angrier at JK Rowling but then I found out she wrote a book abt an autistic person being sucked into a cult (that's totally not an analogy for trans people what you talking abt) because they just can't possibly know what's good for them, they need their fathers to come and hire private investigators to get them out of a cult. And in the book autistic people are referred to by the r slur and called "a bit simple".

I didn't think it was possible for me to hate this paternalistic, honeyed head-patting, self-righteous, hate-driven HAG of a woman more than I did but fuck me here we are.

#terfs dont fucking touch #anti gender critical #anti radfem #not to toot my own horn or whatever but when midsommar came out i legit had a 'oh my god is anyone seeing this?' momen #because everyone was talking abt how it was a 'happy ending' for dani like she didnt just get inducted into a violent cult #but heyyyyyyy thats just me what do i know #its not like im the owner of this brain or anything #OBVIOUSLY a british terf that lives in a FUCKING CASTLE and has NEVER MET ME EVER IN HER LIFE knows me better then i know myself :))))))) #anti gc #trans rights #ableism tw #tw ableist language #i hate jk rowling i hate her i hate her i hate her so muchhhhhhh #anti jkr #fuck jkr #had to edit the tags because i realized 'jk rowling' attracted terfs and i dont fucking want that noise #im already fucking angry im not taking being talked down to because im autistic

[dsi-os]

heyyy hiii guess who got back into ava :3 (after a VERY long time)

anyways heres my designs for the guys noogai made!!! yayy!!

victim/victor , the chosen one , the dark lord , the second coming

these designs are specifically for our own stuff/au/fanfic(..?) but! i thought id share, considering i made this 3 DAYS AGO

enjoy!!

#!!DO NOT TAG WITH THE SIBLING HEADCANON STUFF! I DO NOT LIKE IT. THANK YOU!! #animator vs animation #animation vs animator #ava #ava victim #ava victor #ava the chosen one #ava chosen one #ava tco #ava the dark lord #ava dark lord #ava tdl #ava the second coming #ava second coming #ava tsc #alan becker #animation vs minecraft #im so autistic #if anyone has any questions about these designs PLEASE let me know #YAYYY #animation vs dsi

[miusato]

Have y'all heard of this really cool and obscure cartoon aired on MTV called Wokesona that got cancelled in the early 00s because of that one episode where everyone summons demon using guns and the satanic panic crowd finds out about it?? Good times

Anyway other versions undercut :3

Anyway hhh I've been overwhelmed by nostalgia lately (i just watched mtv downtown and oh god poetic cinema) and I just want to make them look grungy here and also I want them to wear silly and fire outfit hhh shoutout to @gaki-jakku for the road dog tshirt lol 😆

#oKAY BUT HONESTLY HHH Shinji would wear any tshirt his wardrobe kinda sucked and like most of his tshirts are from giveaway- #or something he won from a lucky draw #also no I dont hc kotone as autistic but I am autistic so like she can wear that tshirt for all I care #god im indulging myself too much on this au and like having so much fun drawing all of them in this style i forgot my responsibility irl #also what do you guys think of this dumb au so far?? lemme know about ur thoughts: 3 #asukart #persona 3 #persona 3 reload #persona 3 portable #shinjiro aragaki #kotone shiomi #minako arisato #persona 3 femc #shinjiham #foolmoon #00s highschool au

[rttenboy]

im baffled about how so many people are suddenly shitting on transmascs for having the audacity to label our discrimination and making fun of terms like transandophobia and mocking us for talking about transmasc-specific issues and discrimination (which is a documented thing! and we have different factors intersect with our oppression than tma folks have intersecting with transmisogyny! and NOONE is saying that transandrophobia existing makes it worse than transmisogyny either!)

like what do you want us to do? are we just supposed to shut up and take it because us being afab means our problems are "lesser"? are we supposed to say that every other trans person has it worse so we can't talk about it anymore? what is the proposed solution here? mocking transmascs and harassing them and sending horrific anons to them isn't exactly a solid answer.

i genuinely truly don't understand why people are so upset about this and why it's such a big deal for us to label our experiences and talk about it when everyone was falling all over themselves to adopt new phrases when the terms transmisogyny and tma/tme started gaining traction. it's gross and weird. we're all siblings in the same fight here, infighting is pointless and a waste of energy. why are we trying to to beat each other down when this energy would be, y'know, actually progressive punching up and fighting the oppressive structures CAUSING these issues instead?

#this isn't the oppression olympics!!!!! y'all are acting likw fucking children #this is the kind of discourse i wouldve expected on here 10 years ago #and i genuinely do not understand why so many people are SO passionate about this and refuse to explain why? #like genuinely. autistically. if it's legitimately actively actually harmful i wanna know #but noone has any compelling arguments besides ''silly girl doesn't understand opwession uwu'' #i've seen people call transmascs princess and talk about SAing them over this bullshit #do none of you see what you're doing? do none of you care how you sound? #i need to purge my following list tbqh #this is ridiculous #rant #transandrophobia #transandrophobia cw #discourse #ask to tag #be fucking normal about this post please im actually confused and not trying to start a fight

[misfithive]

Im really really hoping the theory about Wille having a birthday in s3 are true because i want Simon to give him a gift SO BADLY. I want it to be something sweet and whimsical and soft bc Wille deserves whimsy in his life. Even if it is a gag gift that Wille actually ends up keeping. I really want the stuffed animal frog like i mentioned in my unhinged s3 list bc its the opposite of the snow globe with the hard (now jagged) edges. Like a soft stuffed frog (no crown) it would be so cute :(((((( But really Simon giving Wille any kind of sweet simple gift would be so cute to me.

Editing to add a picture of what i am envisioning bc i’m annoying like that! Pls just imagine it !

#i fear young royals might be too serious to do something like this #but simon’s stuffed animal and sara’s horse stuffed animal are feeding my hopes of wille having a atuffed animal s3 #plus u know when the rich person has everythinn the could ask for but then they get something thats not expensive but very mesmingful? #idk if thats a real trope but i love if #i am also stereotypical autistic person who has 500 stuffed animals and i think everyone should have the same #i thought i posted this days ago but oh well #simon deserve whimsy too but idk i think wille making him the sandwiches and taking care of him is more what i want vs a gift #unless its like a promise ring or him giving simon something sentimental that belongs to him idk i cant explain it #plus i think it would feel vulnerable for simon to give wille something and hope he likes it which would be soooo cuteee i love shy simon #wilmon #simon eriksson #prince wilhelm #young royals #young royals s3 #yr spoiler #<tagging as a spoiler incase people dont want fan theories or something im sorry #yr s3 spoilers

[tavtarnish]

Would it be Ghost or Soap who would propose during a high risk mission??

I feel like Soap would joke about it if he was the one in danger - ghost would tell him to shut up (because that's a sure-fire way to test fate and he didn't want Johnny dead).

But then ghost is the one to call back to it or bring it up when Soap is severely injured, almost hoping it would bribe Soap into making it through - it does.

#ghostsoap #soapghost #soap x ghost #ghost x soap #ghost/soap #soap/ghost #i say this because if ghost lets himself date i dont think marriage would do much #like my man is autistic #(as someone w/ autism myself) so marriage is like the formal thing. if hes dating and allows that connection #marriage is on the cards and wont scare him as much as getting into the relationship would i think #also could ghost get married like legally?? #im rambling #but that addition in the tags is bc i know some people wpuld be like 'marriage?! ghost?!' like bro #but also #a real proposal would defo have to come from soap - i feel like i can only imagine in my own head it happening like above #cause theyre both scared of fucking everything up

[thelien-art]

Day 4: Caranthir of @feanorianweek

Lordship

Yellow roses = Greed | Alliance

Caranthir has the oath of Feanor tattooed on his arm. I don´t know why he just has. Probably happened a drunk night while he was more filled of spite than usual. He leans more toward the Edain and dwarfish clothes and culture early on, in some situations, and his lack of social filter makes him more likable and trustworthy, to said people, making alliance and trade deals easier between them and himself than most Elvers would find it, not to mention him being good at math and handling, and adding, his wealth. I do think he had at least one wine yard, if that was in his own land or someone else's where he just rented doesn't matter as his wine was sought out and highly priced for its popularity and quality.

Maedhros | Maglor | Celegorm | Curufin | Ambarussa | Nerdanel and Feanor

#celegorm is covered in tattoos i show some of it in my christmas calendar so he was probably a part of the tatttoo #i know a lot of people likes to think of him as cheap looking and unwilling to spend his money i just dont see him as such #im convinced he was one of the riches people when he was alive and probably still long up in the third age #as he was good at investing and knowing when and how to spend his money while still enjoying it plenty #i also likes to think of him as autistic and insanely good at math #yes i do ship him with helath and i think he spoiled her good when he let him like the finest silks furs food and so on #hes my lil guy #i love him so much #tolkien #jrr tolkien #silmarillion #caranthir #carnistir #morifinwe #silm art #digital art #my art #feanorian week #feanorian week 2023 #feanorianweek

[mokeonn]

I fucking hate the tetris effect so much. Like oooh lemme play this funnie little card game rogue-like, ooh it's so fun it's gonna be the only game I play for weeks now, oooh what do you mean I'm fucking duplicating multi-card holographic sevens in my dreams

#simon says #yeah this is about balatro #i think it sorta taught me that I do in fact really enjoy roguelikes and i am pretty decent at them #at least I think I am #i only have 3 more card decks to unlock and the black deck is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE #i am not going to 100% this game because I hate the black deck so fucking much #that -1 hand is gonna be the death of me and has been the death of me #it's like I either fumble my first round and have to start over because I keep forgetting I have 1 less hand #or I get a nice groove but lose around round 5 because the boss bind was too tough #anyways I only really watch 1 youtuber play it so I have no clue if im actually pretty decent at the game or if im like #okay or something #idk all I know is that I am going to do my damnedest to beat that black deck #also I wanna try to unlock all of the collection because it's very annoying that challenge mode doesn't count #and I wanna do challenge mode but it is just annoying that it doesn't count anything towards the collection #but yeah im REALLY vibing with this game and every time I play it while high it makes me wanna stream again #anyways I have it on switch (because I could use the nintendo coins to get it at a discount) but I looked at the achievements on steam #i wish cross platform saves existed because if I had it on steam I would have all but like 4 achievements lmaooo #anyways im just autistic and really like card games and roguelikes so this is like the perfect game #plus big number go up

[autisticlee]

is it an autistic experience to ALWAYS be the one in a friend group who gets left out, alienated, secretly disliked, then kicked out of the group?

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #asking autistics #i want/need a friend group but it ALWAYS GOES BAD!!!!!!!! AND ITS SOMEHOW ALWAYS MY FAULT?! idk what im doing wrong. people suck. #but i need people and i hate that about me. why cant i split myself in half a few times #or learn how to do group activities alone....like playing tennis. going to the amusement park ive wanred to go to since i was a kid. #drive alone on long trips where i will fall asleep but talk to myself so i dont or something. walk on the park trails alone where people #get kidnapped and stuff when alone. go to a convention and cosplay a group of characters alone. one for each finger.... #if you cant tell im being sarcastic. and doing a bad job. sighs. i hate that i have to do everything i need/want a group for alone because #i cant make friends or make groups keep me in them. assuming because im autistic and they hate me 🙃 #eother that or im a piece of shit and dont realize it!!!!! how am i supposed to know when no one tells me!!!! 😭😭😭😭 #so is it actually me and my fault or is it because im autistic and people just do this to us for some reason #autism stuff

[0sbrain]

it's ok if you misinterpret what im saying but if you directly tell me you are dismissing my explanation in favor of what you think i was trying to say then fuck you

#IM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE “INTERPRETING” WHAT I SAY #WHEN I SAY SOMETHING I MEAN IT #I MAY BE FUCKING AUTISTIC BUT YOU DON'T GET TO ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM DOING #I MAY BE FUCKING STUPID. I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF PROPERLY. BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT