#literally every minute of his life is spent coping with it so poorly

[betawooper]

*head in hands* im still thinking about tanjirou and simply just how traumatized he is

#literally every minute of his life is spent coping with it so poorly #he ignores it and shoves it away and tries to destroy it and pretend it doesnt exist #when everyone who cares even a little for his wellbeing wants him to just talk to them or take a goddamn nap #its honestly so much more apparent how everyone gets character development and gets better #bc tanjirou is actively getting worse every time we see him #sen reaches out and she gets help and ends up so much better #aoi talks through her problems and fixes so many of her interpersonal issues and a lot of her trauma #nezuko communicates with her inner demons and learns to accept it as part of her which ends up doing her a lot of good #i could list so many other examples but yeah point is everyone is dealing with their issues healthily #tanjirou is very much trying to escape them as much as possible #kny plot rewrite

[taehyungiejiminie95]

BTS Reactions – They try to win you back

He clutches at his chest, trying to slow his racing heart down. This isn’t right. He knows it. It’s not been the same since he left you, and he doesn’t know how to cope. In all of his life, he has never made a mistake this big, and he has never wanted to turn back time more. He’s not a time traveller, so the only fix is to do his best to win you back. It has to work. He has no other choice.

Jin

It’s been… some amount of time since you last saw Jin. It hasn’t actually been that long, but at the same time it feels like an eternity. You’ve got this Jin-shaped hole carved into you, and there’s nothing that can fill it. No amount of time, distraction or food could ever come close. You’d know. You’ve tried. You’ve been trying since he left you, but nothing’s changed. It still hurts, but you’re not using it as an excuse. With all the effort it takes, you’ve been going out everyday to the bakery you run with your soon-to-be-retiring parents and acting like you’re okay. For the most part, you very nearly believe it.

You normally get in before your parents do, so you can fire up the ovens and set up for the day ahead, so you’re not surprised to find the bakery in complete darkness. It smells like home here, somewhere you can truly forget your worries. Today’s special pastry is going to be churros, and you know it’s going to smell even better. A nostalgic scent, you always felt. You flip on the main lights as you go, heading straight for the back room. Stopping short, you realise that something feels odd. You have that feeling you get when someone’s stood too close, but you know there’s nobody around. You’re probably just being weird. That’s quite normal for you at the moment, really, so you do your best to shrug it off and you push your way through to the office to put your coat and bag down,

“What on earth…” You mutter under your breath, seeing the state of the office. Flour. Literal bags of flour covering every inch of the desk where you do the accounts. Your brow furrows as you step forward to where a sole red rose rests atop the bed of flour bags, next to a small note, “I’m outside,” You read aloud, a sense of dread filling you from the toes up. If you couldn’t recognise Jin’s handwriting after how long you spent together, who even are you?

The question of whether or not to respond to this gesture makes you wonder. Is it worth seeing what he wants? Or should you just ignore it, clear the bags into the pantry, and pretend this never even happened?

Your feet move of their own accord, propelling you back through the shop and out of the front door to where Jin is waiting, looking as handsome and as serious as the day you met him, when he was running late for his friend’s birthday and needed something – anything – sweet to take in means of a gift,

“You always said you had no use for flowers. Flour on the other hand… that you need an abundance of,” He half-heartedly teases, looking at you with poorly concealed fear, “Please, will you let me explain myself to you? I know I don’t deserve it but…” He trails off, eyes wide and fearful. Your words fail you. What are you meant to do here?

Yoongi

Your alarm goes off with a harsh buzz, making you wince as you’re rudely woken. It’s cold this morning, you realise with a huff as you get up. You flick the kettle on for your coffee and turn on the radio. Ever since Yoongi left you, you’ve hated the silence. It only amplifies how alone you are, how empty the apartment has been since he left. You rub the sleep out of your eyes as you reach for a mug, the kettle screaming to you that it’s ready. That’s when you hear it,

“In a surprise move from BTS member Suga, a new song has been realised under his own name. This is unusual for him, as the rapper uses many aliases for his different work, but never his birth name…” A cold sweat breaks out over your body as you fumble to get to the radio. You don’t want to hear the new song. The feeling of dread in your stomach tells you what it is, and the soft sounds of piano confirm that for you when you’re not quick enough to the power switch.

Time stands still. Nothing moves as the song plays. You know it’s for you. The melody is something he wrote for you in the early days of your relationship. He always joked that he’d release it under his birth name, because it was so personal. He never did. But now, as you listen to the song which is so clearly dedicated to you, your heart aches for him. His art. This is far more than a melody, than a simple piece of piano he wrote for you. This is pain mixed with poetry and poured into a track. This is true beauty, and you can’t deny it. You can’t move as the words wash over you, and your emotions quickly follow. Tears threaten to break rank as your lip trembles and you’re forced to see how much you miss him.

The last notes of the track wrap themselves up in melancholy, the final one dragging out as if it doesn’t want to end. You don’t want it to. It feels even emptier now, without that song. The radio DJs begin to discuss the unusually heartfelt track, comparing it to First Love, only more pained. You’re still stuck in the kitchen, holding a mug so tight it’s groaning and threatening to break.

Minutes pass as you try to process what you’re feeling, and what this means. Does he want to talk to you? Does he regret what he did? Or is he only using pain as inspiration, with no real intent?

Your phone rings. “Min Yoongi is calling…” You lurch to pick it up before it goes to voicemail.

Hoseok

It’s just gone 11. You pull the covers up over your head in an attempt to try and pretend like you’re any closer to sleep than you were 2 hours ago when you got into bed. It’s been… hard lately. Without him. You can’t even bring yourself to think his name anymore. You’re not someone who lets their life halt for some man, and you’re not letting that happen now. You refuse to huddle down and let this ruin you, which is why you confine your sadness and dysfunction to night times only. During the day, you’re fine. You don’t even let yourself entertain the thought that you want him to come home, to climb into bed and sing you to sleep like he always did. It’s too painful to think about wanting-

Your thoughts are rudely interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. With a groan, you slide out of bed and head towards the door. You fumble around for a moment with the lock before you’re finally able to swing the door open, your very best glare ready for whenever this visitor comes into view. You’re surprised to see… nobody. It takes a huff and an eye roll before you cast your vision down to the floor, where you see a small box. The words “From your Hoseok~” are born on a gift tag, and the tidy scribble of the handwriting you recognise so well. It’s hard to resist scooping down to pick it up.

The box sits in your hands for the rest of the night. You don’t sleep. You barely even blink as you try to work out whether you should open it – just so you don’t have to live with the painful curiosity – or put it in the bin – just in case whatever it is hurts you.

As night turns into dawn, you sigh and put your head down on the back of the couch. Your first movement for hours. It’s taking everything in you to not just throw this damn box back onto the doorstep, or post it straight through Hoseok’s letterbox and be done with it, but you know you need to open it. You lift the flaps carefully and look inside, somehow terrified about what you’ll find. It’s a small note, written in the same tidy scrawl.

‘Meet me by the river tonight. The one we met at, outside your apartment. Let me show you how sorry I am’.

You’re out the door before you can stop yourself,

“You’ve been here all night?” You shriek, seeing Hoseok sat under a willow tree, one of many that line the bank of the river. He nods slowly, gazing unseeingly into the flowing water. You tear off your dressing gown and drape it around his shoulders as best you can, “You’re still an idiot, then. It’s the middle of winter, and you’re hardly dressed appropriately,”

“You didn’t come, but I couldn’t accept it. I needed to be sure you really didn’t want me anymore,” He whispers, finally turning to look up into your eyes, trying to find his answer. The truth is that you’re not even wholly sure on one yourself.

Namjoon

The pigeon hole with your apartment number on it never has anything interesting in it, other than bills and spam, but you still make a habit of checking it every day. Just in case, you suppose. You’re on your way in from work when you check it, today. You barely even glance in, about to walk away when a small package catches your eye. You take it into you hands curiously, not recalling having ordered anything, You take it up to your apartment anyway, seeing as it isn’t a case of someone else’s mail in your pigeon hole. It’s clearly addressed to you. Maybe one of your friends has sent you a care package to get through your low period.

An hour or so later, you curl up on your couch with a hot cup of tea. You’ve showered off and had a snack, and your mid had wandered back around to the mysterious package tantalisingly awaiting you on the coffee table where you left it. It feels quite dense, you realise as you carefully tear back the brown wrapping paper. It’s a book, you find out. You’ve opened it from the wrong side – you’re looking at the back, where the blurb should be. Instead, it’s just a plain matte black. Turning it over, you see the title embossed in silver against the black – “My Last Love by Kim Namjoon”.

Your heart drops to your stomach, but you can’t stop yourself from carefully opening the cover, flicking to the acknowledgments in the front.

“To my greatest loss, and my greatest achievement. We always spoke about me publishing this book, but I never had the courage. Now, I have nothing lose. I hope you’ll read this, although by now you’ll know the story better than I do. It may be selfish, but I also hope you’ll reach out in the way I’m too afraid to do”

You fingers trace over the words, not written in the traditional font but printed in the front of every book in his own handwriting, smudges and all. Tears shine in your eyes without you realising as you see what this is. For years, Namjoon was writing a book. It was based on the story of your love, although he was always unsure of his skill, whether it would be good enough to ever publish. He kept it in his archives for a while, forgetting about it until he broke things off with you. He was right, you do know the story better than anyone, but you can’t resist flicking to the first page and allowing yourself to get lost in his world. A world you sheared, it used to be.

You’re only a chapter in when your phone lights up with a text. It’s your friend. They want to know if you’re going to reach out to Namjoon, the way he clearly wants you to. The thought makes your throat close up. Do you want to?

Jimin

Turning your phone over, you sigh. You miss the days when you would be able to pick up your phone at any given time and see a few notifications waiting patiently for you. Jimin was someone who liked to keep you updated always, even if it was just with the occasional picture or a few seconds of video. It’s almost painful now to turn on your phone and see ‘No New Notifications’ waiting for you. At times like this, it’s too painful to look at. At least if you’ve turned the screen away from yourself, you can’t jump up every time the flashes across it, making it look as if it’s lit up again.

You try your best to go about your day as normal, running errands around the house in time for work tomorrow. It’s boring, but well overdue. You scrub the inside of the oven, do your laundry, sweep the floors, bleach the toilet and you’re just about to re-organise your wardrobe when your phone rings,

“Hello?” You answer, only to immediately be spoken over by your very excited friend,

“Look out of your window right now! Just go, do it! You will not believe what it is!” They all but scream, causing you to panic slightly as you rush to tear your curtains open, fully expecting to see an alien spaceship threaten to destroy the earth if you don’t comply. But it’s not anything like that. Somehow, it’s worse. It’s a large white blimp, with Jimin’s face plastered onto each side. In his own enlarged handwriting, a message is shown clear for the world to see – ‘you will always be my safe place’, “Oh my God, I need to go for a second and call my boyfriend. He needs to up his game. I’ll call you back!” Your friend promises, but you barely even hear. Your phone is loose in your grip, and your breath is scarce in your lungs as you’re forced to see what the whole of the country is currently photographing and talking about. They’re literally sending Jimin’s over-the-top attempt to win you back viral. You don’t know how long passes before your friend calls again. You pick up instantly,

“I honestly can’t believe this. He broke up with me, why would he-“ An all-too-familiar voice cuts you off,

“Because I made a huge mistake,” Jimin’s broken voice whispers, marred with tears.

Taehyung

You smile politely at the security on the door as you breeze past them. They don’t bother to stop you, knowing well who you are. The event looks as grand as you were hoping, and a sense of satisfaction bubbles up to the surface as you cast your eyes around the gallery. This was probably your most ambitious project yet – you’ve combined the art collections of 25 of the greatest connoisseurs in the world, having to rent out 10 different venues to hold everything that encompasses your art show. Your colleagues shake your hand as you sautés further into the venue, knowing you’ll be bored of all this by the time the final one opens. But for now, you’re enjoying it on night 3 of 10.

Something grabs your attention from the corner of your eyes – a tallish man, wearing a beret and an unusual combination of clothes but… no. You refuse to let false memories of Taehyung plague your night. You plaster a smile back onto your face as you take a glass of champagne.

As your exit time comes near, you decide to simply observe as much of this wonderful art as you can. The pensive look on your face wards off conversation partners as you wander through the work you’ve compiled. You recognise some of the work here, but not all of it. Some of it is to your taste, and some isn’t. That’s what you love most about this. Seeing things from the perspective of others, and not always agreeing with what you find.

But one painting stands out more than anything else in the room. It’s… unique. It’s a clash of colours that shouldn’t work, but do. It’s confusing and loud, but you can’t tear your eyes away. It gives you a sense of nostalgia that you can’t shake, and it speaks to you in an odd way. It feels like pain and longing,

“You haven’t stared at a single painting as long as this one,” A familiar voice remarks from behind you. Your eyes dart to the corner, and you see the artist who created this. It’s called “Desire” by Vante. With a deep breath, you turn around to face Vante. Your Taehyung, “Do you like it?” He asks, eyes as wide and as curious as when you first met him,

“It’s different to your normal work. What prompted the change?” You reply civilly, feeling your hand start to shake around your champagne glass. Funnily enough, you already know the answer to your question,

“Losing you,” Taehyung whimpers, taking a step forward, “Look, I know that I’m the one who left you, but I made a mistake. Please, let me talk to you. I can’t lose you like this,” he pleads, voice cracking as he tries to reach for your hand. You don’t know whether or not to let him.

Jungkook

Your Jungkook, your love, the one you cherished above all else, was never that into big romantic gestures. He was small things that made you smile. He was doing the dishes when he got in past midnight so you didn’t have to. He was buying you a bouquet of flowers every now and then because of how you love fresh flowers. He was leaving you a home cooked meal on the side when you were getting home late. He was carrying you to bed when you fell asleep. Your Jungkook was not a big gesture. He was the little things that kept you smiling.

Maybe that’s why everything going on right now has been such a shock to you. This isn’t like your Jungkook at all, but somehow it’s just as real and genuine. The video on your phone plays again, stuck on a loop, just as your mind is. It hardly makes sense at all, that he would do this. He’s the one who left you, and yet he’s gone to such a length to get your attention again. You cast your eyes back down to your phone, needing to watch it one more time to try and grasp that it really did happen,

“ARMY!” Jungkook calls, waving his hand up. The crowd screams loudly before finally falling quiet again, “ARMY, you do so much for me, and for BTS. You know our love for you never ends,” He confesses, sending the crowd wild again. He waits patiently for their focus to come back to him, “That’s how I know that I can ask this favour of you. Will you all do something special for me?” Jungkook calls, spinning to cast his eyes around the arena. It’s the end of the concert, and everyone is tired, but he can’t let this go. He knows it will work, “Everyone, get your phones out! Put your camera on, turn the video on, film this! I want you to record something for me, and then I want you to post it to every platform you have. Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, everywhere! You, my Kinds and Queens of trending, I need you to make this go viral,”

Jungkook’s eyes somehow meet the lens of every camera in the arena at once as he speaks your name solemnly. The crowd hushes each other so Jungkook can speak. His eyes are red, and he’s not sure for how long he’ll remain composed, “Forgive me. I’ve done something stupid, I know that now. I see that I’ve hurt you, and I’m ready to grow and mature and become the best version of myself. Baby, I need you. Will you please call me? I know you’ll see this. Please, all I want is to talk. Even if you decide I don’t deserve a second chance. Please,” Jungkook closes his eyes, blinking back tears, “ARMY, please make sure they see this. Post it everywhere. I want them to know that I love them more than myself,” His voice cracks on his last word as he starts to break down, “Please,”

#bts #bts reactions #bts angst #bts fluff #bts jungkook #bts taehyung #bts v #bts jimin #bts hoseok #bts jhope #bts seokjin #bts jin #bts namjoon #bts rm #bts yoongi #bts suga

[happy-bellamy]

My Unapologetic Review of A Court of Frost and Starlight (1.5 Stars out of 5)

Okay, to begin, I liked ACOTAR, I absolutely LOVED ACOMAF, and ACOWAR…it was okay.  Now to clarify, I’m not a fan of Sarah and I hate most of her books. But, that being said, I like some of them. I still haven’t finished Empire of Storms.  A little over halfway through I got bored and the chapters I was reading were so disgusting and unnecessary (Yes, I’m talking about Rowan, BARF) that I stopped, and have not expressed interest in continuing. The ACOTAR series, however, has always been okay for me.  Like I said, I’m not a fan of Sarah and I have this blog where I sometimes talk about it, but they aren’t the same that they used to be.  The reason I loved ACOMAF so much is because it had the most character and conflict development than any other book she has written, and almost every chapter was very well thought out and planned to compliment the endgame of the book (King of Hybern, Feysand, etc.).  

Now…ACOFAS.

Out of 5 stars I give this book….1 and a half..?

I’ll go through my problems with each character to start:

Feyre: Y’know, this series gets a lot of praise for being a feminist book, but what did Feyre do for the entire story?  Sat around the house…walked…cleaned…went shopping (like 5 times!)…painted…and had sex with Rhys.  Now Rhys is NOT Tamlin, and Feyre is in a much better place and mental state than she was at the beginning of ACOMAF, but I saw direct parallels to the beginning of both stories.  I was extremely bored during all of her chapters, and felt these chapters were mostly useless.  And OH MY GOD, LEAVE YOUR SISTERS ALONE!  Elain CLEARLY does not want anything to do with Lucien.  “He’s a good male.”  ELAIN DOESN’T CARE, STOP PRESSURING HER AND TREATING HER LIKE A CHILD!  Everyone in this book, minus Azriel, treats Elain like a fragile 2 year old.  Just let her cope and heal on her own time.  And Nesta, she was 1 of 3 characters that I didn’t want to kick in the throat.  Feyre, she has been traumatized!  Stop blackmailing her into coming to your dinner parties, stop telling her that she needs to be around the Inner Circle, she clearly wants space, give it to her! Feyre literally almost destroyed Tamlin’s house after he spent weeks of having guards follow her around and wouldn’t let her do anything.  She of all people should understand that Nesta just wants to be left alone and heal on her own terms.

Rhys: Oh my god, I hate, HATE Rhys in this book.  I still like Rhys overall, but he was annoying, disgusting, and overall regressed as a character in this book.  But, good lord, how is this sex-crazed, sleazy douchebag supposed to be the same character (who was loving, supportive, and understanding) from ACOMAF? He couldn’t go five minutes without talking about how much he wanted to fuck Feyre, or making gross innuendos, or saying he can’t bare to be standing next to her without wanting to be inside her?? Stop, good god.  Like I said, his character development REGRESSED in this book.  In ACOMAF, he said that Feyre is his equal in every way, and that she will never be sidelined or be forced to bare his children. You know what he did in this book? Constantly sidelined her and left her to do boring shit and shopping all day and consider having children.  He left Feyre at home while he dealt with border control, diplomat issues, and checking in on his armies.  AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THIS BOOK:  (Rhys walks in to see Feyre’s in bed) “Right where I left you”... “Isn’t it all I’m good for?”

Seriously?  You leave your HIGH LADY at home to cook and clean and shop while you handle all the serious responsibilities?  What a feminist!  Moving on…

 Cassian: OMG, LEAVE NESTA ALONE! Respect her privacy!  Side glancing at her from the other side of the room and chasing her in the street even though she asked you to leave MULTIPLE TIMES isn’t romantic, it’s douchey, arrogant, and disrespectful.  She doesn’t want to be around you, accept that and leave her alone to deal with her trauma.

 Azriel: One of the only pure characters left in this book.  He treats Elain with the respect she deserves, and actually listens to what people say to him!  Good job, Az!  You deserve better, and I hope you get some sort of character development and central arc by the time this series ends.  

 Mor:  I was thrilled to find out that Mor preferred women.  But why is she still keeping it a secret?  It’s not as if homophobia is a problem in this world, and Azriel is turning his eye toward Elain, so why doesn’t she stop stringing him along and let him and herself be happy?  The Inner Circle will obviously accept her for who she is, but she is still keeping her true self a secret for… no apparent reason.  I was hoping that this novella would be finally be her time to progress, but no.  Instead she buys bad gifts and continues to worry about her family.  This novella was supposed to bridge the gap from one focus to another, but this entire novella read like a poorly edited fanfiction and was otherwise completely useless and could have been included at the beginning of a longer novel.  I was angry that I paid so much money to read this story with no plot, character regression, and overall bland and overhyped fluff.  

Nesta and Elain:  I am absolutely disgusted with how these two are treated in this book.  They are the only characters that have any sort of sustenance at this point, yet they are ridiculed, belittled, and overall treated like children throughout the entire book.  Nesta doesn’t want to be around me?  Oh, let’s blackmail her into coming to my party by giving her the money she needs if she shows up!  Elain doesn’t want to see Lucien?  Well, he’s a good male, you just aren’t thinking clearly yet.  Come on Feyre, she may be more naïve than you, but she’s not dumb.

 Amren:  Did nothing in this book but obsess over jewelry, have sex with Varian, and build puzzles. I’m so glad that you gave up your other body and life to be stuck in Velaris doing nothing.  

 Overall opinion of this book: It was completely useless, disgusting and hard to read at times, and I feel like I wasted my money.  Will I still read the next book? Probably, because I am invested in the characters and I might finally get a decent plot from one of the few good characters left, aka Azriel, Lucien, and Nesta.

Do I hate Feysand? No, not at all.  Am I tired of their disgusting, overhyped, and unnecessary sex scenes? Yes.  I don’t have a problem with sex in books, but this book has too much of it for the 0% plot that happened in this book.  I would rather read 100 pages of ‘A Day in the Life of Nesta Archeron’ than read one more cringy Feysand sex scene.  

I doubt anyone read all of this, and I’m definitely going to lose followers over this, but this is my opinion.  Do not comment how much you disagree or think I’m wrong, it doesn’t help.  But if you agree, I’d love to hear your opinions and know I’m not alone.  Have a great day everyone! 😊

#acofas #acomaf #acotar #acowar #acofas review #sjmaas #sjmaas world #feysand #elain archeron #nesta archeron #nessian #morrigan #azriel #anti-acofas #anti-acotar #i still love this series just not this book #bye

[actuallyadhd]

Hi, I’m currently at the diagnosis stage of ADHD and I just wanted to share my experience before it comes to a maybe end. On January 17th I have my diagnosis appointment that I’ve been desperately waiting for since March of last year. Ever since I got the appointment letter from the hospital I’ve been terrified that I’m going to find out that I’m just really lazy and a bit scatty.

I first went to a doctor about ADHD when I was in my final year of university. I told myself at the beginning of the year I wasn’t going to let myself get behind in my work again, but inevitably I did. Of course I had this huge final project to do and I just couldn’t commit myself to starting it, I got more and more stressed and handled it by playing video games, binging Netflix, or scrolling aimlessly through tumblr. This is how I’ve always coped unless I’ve had immediate deadlines. I can’t remember what finally made me think “hey, maybe this isn’t just chronic laziness” but something did and I looked up ADHD. I related to pretty much everything. What they all seemed to say was go to a doctor and see about diagnosis. 

I got to my appointment and I sit down across from the lady who asks me what I’m there for. I tell her that I think I might have ADHD. She laughs at me and says in the same breath, “Don’t you think you’re a little old for that?” I cannot describe how humiliated I felt. I was like a deer in headlights about to burst into tears and I explain (very poorly) how I violently procrastinate anything and everything to a ridiculous degree, I try to tell her how I haven’t started my dissertation and I can’t bring myself to no matter what I do. I can’t remember all the symptoms at this point and she’s already dismissing me, saying how I’m just like every other student and I just need to sit down and get it done.

I brought it up one more time a few weeks later with my parents and both of them laughed at me too and effectively told me I just wanted to be a special snowflake.

I didn’t consider it again until almost a whole year later when I started driving lessons. Almost every lesson is near constant tears. I’m driving stick (or trying to) and I can’t remember to change gear, I can’t remember to look out of the window to see what’s going on, I keep forgetting which way to turn the wheel when I go to park, I go onto the wrong side of the road and don’t notice until told, I keep staring at my speed or the gear stick. I cannot drive more than two minutes without needing the instructor to drive the car. This would be fine if 40 hours of lessons later I had improved and stopped crying all over the place. I find I can’t remember what he’s told me as soon as he’s told me, I sit there listening to him telling me what to do and my brain is blanking, when I try to focus it starts going LALALALALA over the top of it and I’m telling myself to listen but it’s like I’m self-sabotaging. He tells me he’s taught people with all sorts of learning disabilities and never has he had such difficulty with a student before. I finally say that I tried to see someone about ADHD. He encourages me to pursue it again, so I do. This doctor is barely more sympathetic than the last one, I have to insist on being referred, and even as I leave the office I can’t remember if he said he’d write the referral letter. I don’t tell my parents about it.

A letter finally arrives three months later after I’d given up hope and also given up driving stick. By this stage I’ve changed to automatic and it’s like a dream, even if I did fail two driving tests for stupid mistakes. Shortly after, I confide in my mom about ADHD diagnosis and she’s initially skeptical but she takes me seriously this time. I send her some links to websites and, to my delight, she tells me after reading them that she thinks I probably do have it. She would flip flop on this several times but a month later she accompanies me to the initial consultation and thankfully comes up with more examples of it in my behavior than I could have done. The psychologist decides there’s enough evidence to forward me for an actual diagnosis. My mom finally accepts the possibility I might have it, I think she feels if I have it she’s failed me by not noticing. She also suspects she has it too.

Fast forward ten months and here I am. I am petrified that I’m going to leave that three hour appointment with nothing. I shouldn't want to be diagnosed with ADHD but I want them to tell me I have it so I know that there’s a reason that I’m the way I am, that there are things that can be done to deal with it, and that everyone who mocked me was wrong. If I don’t have it, I look like an idiot on a vanity mission. If I don’t have it, why can’t I cope with the way I am when the way I am is supposedly ‘normal’? I’ve spent my whole life holding myself to the standard of everyone else “If they can do it, why can’t I?” and still struggling despite it. I’m so afraid of judgement that I haven’t even told my closest friends. I’ve literally been procrastinating my life for this appointment, I feel like I can’t truly move on until I know one way or the other.

There are two reasons for this monstrosity, firstly, it feels so good to get that off my chest, secondly, I hope anyone thinking about seeing a doctor for an ADHD diagnosis reading this might find the courage to start the process. No matter what the result of diagnosis is, you’ll have some peace of mind at the end and a way to move forward, hopefully.

TLDR; Don’t let other people dismiss you just because you’re not that stereotypical hyperactive little boy. Also sorry for this long post, I can’t seem to help myself?

Please come back and let us know the final result.

And I don’t think it’s nothing; you’re obviously struggling with something. Whether or not that’s ADHD is going to be answered at your appointment. Hopefully if it isn’t ADHD the clinician will be able to tell you what it actually is. But it’s something.

And whatever it is, you are so strong and amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

-J

#submission #Actually ADHD #ADHD #O #questioning if ADHD #personal stories #diagnosis stories