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ashtrayfloors · 2 years

Text

this is only the beginning

So. I’m 40, as of the last day of 2021. And it feels okay. I was having all kinds of sad feelings leading up to it, but then it happened, and it was fine. I had a great birthday (we stayed at my parents’ place in Door County just like we did in 2020). And things were pretty good for the first week and a half of 2022.

Opportunities and ideas poured in, over the first week and a half of the year, including:

—I get to write a review of a novel I just read, and interview the author of said novel (who, by the way, is one of my all-time favorite writers) for the website of another of my favorite writers; and, alongside the interview/review, one of my short memoir/fiction hybrid pieces is going to be published (because it was inspired by said novel). —The novel I’ve been working on on-and-off for, uh, eight years has finally clicked into place. It’s sorta On The Road, except if it was written by Kathy Acker, but there’s a lot more to it than that. (That blackout poetry I’ve been posting on my main blog is also part of the novel.) —I found out that this thing I submitted a few poems to nearly two years ago is finally moving forward, and that they chose one of my poems to be part of it—it being, one of my poems (along with work from a few other poets) is being set to music, by a legit composer, and the works will then be performed at UW-Parkside by the Racine Concert Band. Holy shit, right?! —I got asked to record another spoken word album for Hello America this year; that will probably be coming out in the fall. —A micro-press I dig said they’d like to publish a short chapbook by me, sometime in the summer or fall. —A poetry project I’ve been working on for a few years (my Rimbaud translations/responses) coalesced with some other, newer stuff I’ve been writing, and excerpts from that will probably end up being my chapbook for said micro-press. —I’m working on Bone & Ink Press stuff. I’m finally moving forward with the new wave anthology, and that’s exciting. —I’m doing a revised and expanded edition of WWTAWWTAP, with new artwork, too, and this one will actually be available in print form as well as digital. —I’ve decided to restart my Patreon. I need the income, but more than that, I think I now know how to do it in a way that’s sustainable for me but still worth it for my patrons. —Since TLSOE is no longer in print, and we’re coming up on the two-year anniversary of its publication date, I’ve been thinking of other stuff to do with the material. Over the past few years, I’ve gotten into making short films based on my poetry, so I’ve decided I’m going to make a short film (though a bit longer than my previous shorts; this one may be 30 minutes-ish) based on excerpts from TLSOE.

I’m kinda broke right now, but not too bad. I recently got some royalties from my album and the last chunk of the payment from my tenure as writer-in-residence, which was enough to pay off some debt I had and still have a little bit left over. Plus, being broke now means something different than it did in my younger days. Broke now is like: I can’t afford any luxuries at the moment, but I can still pay my bills. Back in the day, broke meant “I’m living on ramen noodles and malt liquor and constantly on the verge of eviction.”

I’ve canceled all my/my family’s streaming subscriptions. I started with Spotify, but I’ve also since canceled Netflix, et. al. I’m trying to finish watching the newest season of Queer Eye before my Netflix subscription actually expires, but other than that I won’t miss it too much. It actually feels kinda freeing to untie myself from all those things. For one, half the time those services didn’t have what we wanted to watch (or listen to) anyway. For two, I’d rather save some of the money that would have gone to those things and actually buy albums and films. And in the meantime, I’ll just check more CDs and DVDs out from the library.

I’ve basically quit smoking. I’m not going to say I’m 100% quit, because every time I say that, I end up relapsing, but I’m doing really really really well. I’ve got nicotine gum and CBD oil for when the physical cravings hit, tea tree oil and cinnamon toothpicks for when I need something in my mouth/to do with my hands, and when it’s about just needing that moment to myself (which it often is), I’m taking those moments to meditate, do a few yogic stretches, listen to a song, read or write a poem, something like that.

In bummer news: I’m currently waiting on CoViD test results. I started getting a sniffle on Tuesday evening; thought it was just my chronic allergy-sinus stuff. Wednesday, it was still there, and more constant. Thursday, when I woke up and it was still there plus I felt a bit fatigued/headachey, I decided to go get tested. Odds are I don’t have it—I’m triple vaxxed. I rarely go anywhere (and when I do I double-mask). The only people in my bubble are my partner, our kiddos, and my parents; five out of the six of us are now fully vaxxed and/or vaxxed + boosted (the only one not is C. because he’s too young to be eligible yet). My parents also rarely go anywhere (and when they do, they’re double-masked). The kiddos are homeschooling, P. no longer works as a bartender. Also, the symptoms of whatever I do have are extremely mild, and are pretty much gone as of today, and no one else in my house/bubble has any symptoms—and they all would have been exposed 5-6 days ago, now. What I think happened is that I was worn down from lack of sleep and stress and overdoing it, so my allergy-sinus stuff turned into a sinus infection (that’s happened before). But I still figured it was best to get tested, and my family and I are quarantined until I get my results.

If I do, god forbid, have it, I’m gonna be pissed. I have spent the past two years being so so so careful, to the point of giving up a lot of what is most important to me. Hell, I stopped seeing my friends before the country at large even went into the initial shutdown! Also, if I do have it, based on timeline/places I’ve gone, it means I caught it at either the library or the post office. Which would be both funny and stupid. Funny because, well, the library and post office are probably where I’ve spent the most hours of my life (outside of where I lived and/or worked) from the age of 12 on. Annoying because, man, if I knew I’d potentially get CoViD anyway, I’d have gone to a punk show or something fun!

Anyway. Fingers crossed I don’t have it. They said I should get my results in 1-3 days, so hopefully I find out tomorrow.

I’m on a semi-hiatus from Facebook. I check in a few times a week, but I’ve deleted the app from both my phone and tablet so I don’t start doom scrolling. See, some of my friends are getting way too doom-and-gloom. They’re all “collapse of society” this, “global climate collapse” that, sharing every horrific news article that comes along. And I just can’t immerse myself in that energy at this juncture. I’m not burying my head in the sand, or remaining neutral in situations of injustice, I’m not becoming some kind of CoViD denier or climate change denier or anything like that. But, as I’ve said before, I’m naturally prone to anxiety, depression, and existential dread. It is a daily fight for me to not completely succumb to them. I’ve started to learn, over the past few years, some ways to deal with those tendencies. There’s art and music, of course, and physical activity. There’s also the question I ask myself before I read any news article: “Can I do something, even something small, to deal with this problem in a constructive way right now?” If the answer is ‘no,’ I simply don’t read it until I’m in a headspace in which I can handle it, which is sometimes never. And there’s temporarily distancing myself from friends and acquaintances when they get too gloom-and-doom, or too bitter. I don’t expect people to be relentlessly positive all the time, but I also can’t subject myself to excessive negativity all the time. And I don’t know. A lot of my friends who are falling into that constant negativity and doom don’t have kids. And I feel like…having kids, I don’t have the luxury to let myself fall into total despair. No matter what’s happening, I’ve still gotta keep my kids safe and healthy, and it’s a lot harder to do that if I’m too depressed to get out of bed.

So I do what I can: I participate in letter-writing campaigns and phone banks for various causes, I help plan and cook community meals, I modify and mend my old clothes, I repurpose other old things for art projects, I plan what I will grow in my garden this year (and I teach myself more about sustainable gardening). I remind myself of that Tumblr post that was floating around a while back, about not thinking too much about the end of the world because there are dishes to wash and people to love. I remind myself of Brother Curtis Almquist saying: If you are anxious just now, you are almost already hopeful. And of Rebecca Solnit saying: To hope is to gamble. It’s to bet on the future, on your desires, on the possibility that an open heart and uncertainty is better than gloom and safety. And I remind myself of Richard Brautigan’s poem “Calendula:”

My friends worry and they tell me about it. They talk of the world ending of darkness and disaster. I always listen gently and then say: No, it’s not going to end. This is only the beginning, as this book is only a beginning.

#pls no reblobs //#dear livejournal #life #good things #bad things #aging #birthdays #new year #plans #said i got new dreams #smoking #covid mention #anxiety #hope #quotations #richard brautigan #this is only the beginning #to resist despair in this world is what it is to be free

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peachyteabuck · 4 years

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under cover of darkness

summary: a 24-hour convenience store, the night shift, and the man who gets you through day.

a commission for @lovelycarose

pairing: eliot spencer x reader

words: 5510

trigger warnings: mentions of a break-in with canon-level violence, fluff, mentions of an unspecified chronic pain disorder

ask box / masterlist / commission info / ko-fi

There are some good things about the night shift. It’s easier to balance classes and your precarious mental health, plus the pay wasn’t terrible – a few extra bucks per hour were thrown your way after eleven and before five.

So you kept with it, one earbud in so you could listen to music while the hours ticked by at a pace so slow it felt like some supervillain had not only completely frozen time – but was also determined to thaw is at room temperature.

That was another thing about the night shift – the customers. It was mostly regulars, or tourists who forgot something at home but didn’t want to spend airport prices for a travel sized container of deodorant. None of them really stick out, none interesting enough to stick in your brain for long as you mindlessly pack their various items into white plastic bags.

That is, until he starts coming in. Tall and impossible big – it’s hard not to marvel at him as if he was a breathtaking skyscraper, like you had never seen something so magnificent. His flowing dark brown hair, his tight jeans…it’s all nearly too much for eleven-at-night-you. (Also for “I haven’t had sex in so long and I think I’ve eroded the ridges on my vibrator from using it so often and holy shit I would do anything to have that man under/above me” you, a you only made stronger and more desperate by how late it was and tired you were.)

He walks around with the confidence not often seen in newcomers, your eye used to college students too drunk to stand up perfectly straight. You’re used to people stumbling around with eyes-half closed, rubbing their temples as the bright white lights feel like cheese graters shaped like ice picks against their already hurting brains. You’re used to watching them stumble around, using some Neolithic instinct to find the cool fridges where they’ll rest their faces against the glass for an oddly long amount of time before opening it up to grab as many Gatorades as they could hold before attempting to grab one or two (or five) frozen pizzas, never able to access the higher order thinking necessary to understand that maybe grabbing one of the baskets by the entrance is important.

Or, on the other end of the spectrum you’ve come to know as normal: soccer moms searching for alcohol for their husband’s post-game barbecue. Moms with large dark circles under their eyes who probably read (and watched) the Fifty Shades movie unironically but still feels weird when their husbands suggest having sex in any position besides missionary with the lights off. Moms who went to college just to meet some mediocre-looking frat boy who votes Republican just because his father did and thinks thirty seconds of oral is enough foreplay.

They don’t spend as much time in the store as the drunk/high students, but it’s still just as entertaining watching them grab the food and drink – but not before lingering in the makeup aisle, staring at bold shades of red and waterproof mascara and the bright hair dye whose advertisements have terribly applied photoshop.

No matter the type – no matter the customer – they were nothing like the man who stood on the other side of the store, staring intently at your soft drink selection. None of them were beefy men with crumpled grocery lists, permanently furrowed brows, and the most beautiful five o’clock shadow you’ve ever seen. None of them wear thick black work boots that make not a single sound as they walk around the store, none of them wear jeans that are so criminally tight around a perfect ass.

Not even a perfect ass – the perfect ass. It’s symmetrical, looking as if it was drawn by a pin-up artist in the 50’s whose specialty involves drawing super buff men in poses meant for petite, slender women with perfect curves. As he walks you half expect sparks to form on his backside as if you were in some kind of Anime, or for each individual cheek to bounce up and down on their own asynchronous accord. Normally you’d be terrified of being caught staring – of him turning around and catching your eye and mocking someone like you for having the nerve to be attracted to him.

But that doesn’t happen, because for once in your life the universe is kind to you. For once in your life you’re allowed to listen to music and stare dreamily at the hot guy who checks the ingredients on every snack dip option you have available before choosing three different ones with a small, disappointed huff.

You watch him with that same silent intensity as he fills the bright red carrier he grabbed without a sound when he first strutted in, the packaging of the items crinkling being the only way to track his location when he steps out of your eyeline. If your boss wasn’t the one on security cameras you’d be angling all of them to follow him around the store, your eyes hungry for another look at him at whatever angle and whichever quality you could get. You feel like a fangirl obsessed with some boyband, your heart rate determined by the amount of the mountain of a man you can see between displays of holiday-themed candy and cheap make up.

You’re not sure how long it is before he’s approaching your counter (time appears to have lost all meaning the second he stepped into the store), but whether it had been five minutes or five years, he still takes your breath away. As he steps closer you realize he’s fucking massive – something your grandmother (a wonderful woman, but one lacking when social situations called for, among other things, any kind of brain-to-mouth filter) would call a “shit brickhouse.” He doesn’t even need one of the baskets as he prowls the aisles – scanning every item like a lion watches the Sahara through tall grass. It’s hard to look away, to go back to the book you’ve been trying to read the same page from since long before the little automated bell above the door had announced the man’s arrival – but the only distraction before had been the tiny, exhausted voice in the back of your mind that was shaming at you for not sleeping before the night’s shift.

Now, though, the voice has quieted to allow your tired eyes to follow him, pupils tracing along every inch of him.

The man checks out without a word; shaking his head when you ask if he has a rewards card and paying in cash. When you give him $7.26 in change, your hands touch for a brief moment and you nearly stop breathing – lungs suddenly void of their capacity to hold air as sparks fly from his callous fingertips to the bottom of your spine. He pulls away, eventually, because he has to – depositing the totality of the meager amount of money you’d just handed him into the donation box plastered with facts about victims of domestic violence right next to your register.

The box is made of an opaque deep purple plastic, the coins making a loud clink sound as they crash into the near-empty container. The man stares at it for a moment, swallowing an apparent lump in his throat as his eyes go blank for a fraction of a second before he digs into his pockets and fishes out a thick wad of perfectly folded five dollar bills before stuffing them into the hastily cut slot at the top.

Neither of you say anything as he does so, you too stunned by his generosity and him too occupied with making sure he had no more money hidden in his pockets to try and muster some vague capacity for speech. Still, as he turns and leaves, you cough to clear your throat and call out a loud and slightly hoarse “thank you!” to which he just turns and gives you a small smile in return.

The moment between the pair of you is fleeting but still makes your heart beat rapidly in your chest, swelling until your lungs feel tight against your ribs as you struggle to breathe. Fuck, you think. You haven’t felt like this since middle school when Jamie told you that your Katniss braid was adorable and you followed him around for two weeks until he agreed to take you on a “date” during lunch. You don’t even know this man’s name and you’re fawning over him as if you have another girlhood crush.

God, you need to learn his name.

Luckily, you find out the next time that his name is Eliot, even though the name embroidered in red above the right pocket of his dirtied coveralls says “Evan” in a fancy looped script (whatever, you don’t question it. You regularly wore your roommate’s sweatshirt from her alma mater even though you didn’t attend the university – must be the same thing, right?). That time all he buys is hair ties and chapstick – lots of hair ties and chapstick, just another thing you don’t question – but stays to talk with you about the Robert Frost poem you were annotating.

“Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening?” he reads aloud, smiling a little as he does so. “Is that for class, or…”

“It’s for class, but I’m liking it a lot more than the other obligatory readings for my degree,” you tell him a small laugh. “Do you enjoy poetry?”

Eliot shrugs as he grabs the full bags. “Oh, ya know. Just the occasional piece. You have a good day now.”

You smile as he walks toward the exit, butterflies pounding in your stomach once more. “You too!”

God, you think as he disappears from eyeshot. You’ve got it bad, girl.

He comes in again, irregular in each way except for the fact he arrives. Sometimes he’s clean cut, standing straight as he takes his sweet time wandering the store – as if he has nowhere to be, no need to rush around.

On those days, he buys a lot of things. Duct tape, orange soda, hair ties, sour candy in all shapes and colors. He makes conversation, asking about the book you’re reading or what you’re listening to, asking about your classes when you wear a jacket embroidered with your university’s logo on the front. On those days, he waits a little – even when all his items are bagged and there’s no real reason for him to stay – picking up on anything that would give him another thread of conversation to pull at.

“Something new?” he asks when you dogear one of the first few pages of a poetry book your friend had lent you.

“Yup!” you perk up just at the sight of him, cheery now more than you had been the entirety of the day now that he’s arrived. “Told a friend of mine about the assignment I was working on the last time you were here, and she shoved this anthology into my hands.”

You like those days – you look forward to them each time you step through the large door marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY” in large white letters that stand out against the incredibly depressing brown that’s been peeling since the day you interviewed here, spots covered sparsely by the maintenance guy who you’ve never seen. Those days are good, fun – they make you smile hours after he leaves and occupy your thoughts until you go to bed, sometimes even making it into the margins of your notebook when you’re zoning out in class.

Sometimes, though, he comes in nearly limping – at least one eye blackened and dark navy baseball cap pulled as far down his forehead as he can.

It scared you the first time, watching as he grunted with each step, every item he grabs from the shelves seeming like it pained him, his face scrunching into a wince each time he raises an arm above his ribs. You checked his items (bandages, ice packs, gauze, antifungal cream, a few first aid kits) with bated breath, terrified of making his mood worse.

It isn’t until you tell him the total, until you finally look up from your hands – that you finally look him in the eyes. They’re always warm like plate of freshly baked macaroni and cheese (and always make you feel just as gooey), but now appear to be clouded with a type of pain you can’t pin down. He doesn’t say much – or anything – as you bag his items, placing them gingerly into the paper bag as if it was an extension of him.

You try to keep a happy face throughout the entire ordeal, not wanting to push him in case what happened was particularly bad. Eliot gives you a similarly small, but earnest one in return – even if he barely hides the wince in his side as he does so.

But that was the first time things seemed a little off – your first time, specifically – and the others get easier as time passes.

At first, “easier” meant a return to days similar to the good ones – telling him things about your day as you ring up all his first-aid related items. He doesn’t respond with as much enthusiasm, doesn’t have the same witty banter – but gives you a small smile that you recognize nonetheless. But then, as the weeks bleed into months, you learn how to handle both the terrible days, the bad days, and the good days all the same.

It’s on one of the good days that he buys tampons, a piece of every kind of chocolate item you sell, and enough Acetaminophen to knock out a horse.

“Your girlfriend is very lucky,” you tell him, blushing as you bag the items. For a minute you think you’ve embarrassed him, crossed some line as a sickening silence grows between you two like mold on two-week old leftovers in a fridge that was turned off. It’s just as disgusting, too, which is why you’re so happy that he still gives you a small smile when you dare look up from where your scanner’s red line centers on the barcode of one of the tampon boxes.

“Nah, just,” Eliot’s plump lips look so kissable it makes your heart pick up. “A roommate, uh. She needs this. Her boyfriend is doing some game night thing and couldn’t pick it up. So I, uh. I got drafted.”

You give a little snort as you grab the receipt, smiling wide as you place it in the bag. “Well, your roommate is very lucky to have you.”

Eliot laughs as he grabs his stuff, cheeks heating up as he blushes. “Can I kidnap you for a little while so you can come remind her of that?”

In a rare moment of confidence, you lean forward and grin. “Is it kidnapping if I want it?”

The blush rages as he sputters a response, eyes downcast as he turns to leave. You get no witty response back, but the way he turns to wink at you as the automatic doors part is enough of a rebuttal for you to feel satisfied with your quip.

No matter what kind of mood Eliot is in, you look forward to his visits, watching and talking with him. Each evening you get ready for work you wondered if he would come in that night, if you would be able to tell him about the dumb thing this guy in one of your seminars said, or how you won an argument during bar crawl over the weekend using some of the random things he had taught you during the very conversations you now wish to have with him. It’s nice, the nicest thing you have in a long time – and somehow that doesn’t scare you, and somehow that makes you feel even better each time you see him.

But then “The Day” happens, and it changes everything.

The evening of “The Day” you woke up from your pre-work nap with this unexplainable feeling that something was going to go wrong. This feeling deep in the bottom of your stomach that you can’t quite place, one that makes the back of your knees sweat and where your ribs feel just a little tighter. Each and every sound – the cars that drive way too fast down your street, the creaking in your house, the dogs that bark obnoxiously – seem loudly, harsher than usual. When you sit up in bed when your alarm goes off it’s like you can feel the muscles in your back contract, feel the bones in your joints grind against each other. There’s some electricity in the air like when it’s right before a storm – only the sky is clear and your weather app doesn’t predict any rain until next week (and, even then, it’s only a drizzle).

At first you think it’s just a bad pain day; not bad enough to keep you home, or make you forget even the idea of doing anything besides groaning in pain in your bed and taking as many pain medications as your doctor says you’re able to. Still, it’s quite noticeable, and occupies your thoughts as you go through each part of your pre-work routine. Even as you shower, turn on your coffee pot, do the minimal make up required to make it look like you didn’t just roll out of bed or are some Victorian orphan plagued by tuberculosis and possibly a deep sadness embodied by the terrible weather that crashes outside their overcrowded London orphanage – you can’t seem to get rid of the proverbial dark cloud that settles itself between your brain and skull, clouding your thoughts and making your stomach hurt just a little.

It doesn’t get better when you get into work, either. There’s a tenseness in the air you can practically taste – electricity in the air that settles over your skin and makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up straighter than the carefully constructed sales display of some B-list celebrity’s nail polish collection, the one you spent hours fussing over during one of your very rare day shifts. It somehow only gets worse when Eliot arrives, whistling some tune that normally would be wistful and happy, but given the context sounds like something straight from a horror movie trailer that invades your otherwise-sweet daydreams for weeks to come; one of those songs that everyone knows but no one knows the name of that sounds really creepy when played slowly over a clip of some old, beat-up doll being held by an adorable little blonde girl with black-out contacts in.

You don’t tell him to stop, but the tune does slow when he notices your tense state when he passes to get to the soft drink aisle. When he gives you a questioning look you just shrug, hoping he forgets (or finds it in himself not to ask) about it by the time he finds what he needs. Judging by the song, lack of list, and spring in his step – it’s a good day, one where he intends to meander around the store and grab whatever it is catches his attention. Today that appears to be anything with sugar, most notably soda in every color but orange.

At some point he finds his way closer to you – more specifically he finds his way to the chocolate aisle, which faces your register – and strikes up a conversation. It’s just small talk, and doesn’t do much to distract you from the twisting in your gut, but you appreciate his efforts nonetheless. The small talk just feels like a dead-end – a polite road to nowhere that feels pointless to engage in. Still, it’s Eliot, so you give half-hearted answers and ask half-hearted questions and hope he doesn’t press you too hard on your slightly-sour mood.

And, because it’s Eliot, he draws a few small laughs and a couple of tiny smiles and it’s…nice. It’s not the usual “Good Day,” but it’s not a bad one, either.

But then it happens. And it happens quick – all of it.

Three men, dressed head to toe in black, enter guns a blazing as if they own the place. They’re wearing masks over everywhere but their eyes, the thick, black material likely silencing their voices if they weren’t screaming at the top of their lungs.

They enter in an oddly-triangular formation – one you’d describe akin to the Charlie’s Angel’s post if you weren’t scared out of your fucking mind. One of them runs to the aisle where you keep cold medicine, the other ransacking the liquor aisle and shoving heavy glass bottles of your most expensive bottles of alcohol into the black duffel bag slung around his shoulder. The last one – the one you think is the leader – keeps his eye on you as he steps closer to where you are at the register.

It’s the scariest fucking thing to ever happen to you, and what occurs next happens too fast for you to describe.

You blink once and find that you’re staring down the barrel of a handgun that’s definitely loaded and definitely has the safety off. The end shakes just a little, as if the robber is nervous, and you wonder why he’s the one scared. Both of your hands are up in the air, elbow bent at a ninety-degree angle while sweat pools at your brow and your bottom lip trembles. It’s the most terrified you’ve ever been in your entire life, and if you had enough in your stomach you throw up, you totally would’ve.

But then – Eliot.

You’re screaming at him to stop, to get away and hide and what are you doing? They’ve got a gun! Get away! You could be hurt! Eliot!

But then you realize that, holy shit, he’s actually taking the guy down. Holy shit, Eliot just punched that dude in the face. Holy shit, Eliot just punched that dude in the gut. Holy shit, Eliot just disarmed that dude while punching him.

It’s only when the guy that targeted you is screaming in pain from a dislocated shoulder that the other two realize something’s up and come rushing towards the man that stands just in front of your register. You’d scream if you weren’t stunned – eyes not sure where to look as Eliot disarms them with the grace of a professional ballet dancer at the same fucking time. He’s fierce but controlled – not breaking any bones but definitely leaving some bruises as he knocks them to the ground and kicks their guns across the carpet.

It’s then – when the inferior robbers are writhing in pain on the ground – that he grabs the leader by the collar of his black hoodie and pulls the teenager’s wincing face close to Eliot’s raging one.

“I will give you one warning,” he hisses, teeth bared like an angered wolf as he spits. “one warning to leave this place and never come back. If this,” his left hand raises to gesture to you in all your petrified glory. “Nice lady tells me that you have returned to so much as buy a single stick of gum, I will track you down and find you and make sure you pay for the damage you’ve done here today. You got that?”

The still-masked teenager immediately nods furiously, eyes wide with terror and legs already kicking at the ground to leave.

Eliot gives a small, faux smile, and shoves the kid back down onto the ground with enough force to knock the wind out of him. “Good, now get the Hell out of here and don’t come back.”

Without hesitation, the would-be robbers scatter as fast as their damaged legs can carry them, clutching their bags to their chests as they rush to their crappy getaway van.

If you weren’t scared shitless you’d admit you’re a little turned on at the feat, especially as Eliot flips his hair from his face as he watches them speed away.

Your boss appears a few seconds later, apparently one more to watch from his safe room in the back than to interfere. Thank Heavens Eliot was here, you think. Facing those three kids on your own – even if they were, indeed, kids – makes your blood pressure spike once more.

“Should I call the cops?” he asks, looking at the wreckage around the store. The only silent alarm is located under the counter where the register is and, given your petrified state, you weren’t one to trip it.

Eliot just sighs and shakes his head, kicking a broken bottle of whiskey that for sure was going to stain the carpet. “No, they can’t do much – those kids probably don’t have a record and I don’t think you’ll get much out of ‘em if they do find the bastards. They’re young, broke, and I don’t know how much priority your case will be given.”

Your boss sighs, rubbing his face. It’s not as if they stole more than a few hundred dollars’ worth of merchandise, but being the victim of a robbery is still both tiring and rage-inducing – especially when someone like him has gone so long without incident. “But, I, what am I supposed to do? I just-“

Eliot grabs his wallet from his back pocket, reaching into it to fish out a small, professional-looking business card that he hands to your boss. “Call the number there come sun rise and tell them Eliot referred you. They’ll help you out with whatever you need.”

The man who signs your paychecks furrows his brow and reads the block print allowed. “Leverage, Incorporated? They can help me replace what I lost?”

Eliot nods, placing a comforting hand on your boss’ shoulder. “Everything.”

Immediately the man nods and steps away to go out the back exit, leaving you and Eliot in the center of it all.

It’s then – just as you’re alone – where the sun’s just coming up and the large windows in the shop allow its warm light to bath the both of you in a beautiful soft orange. There are no other customers there, and with your boss preoccupied with calming himself down, it really does feel like it’s just you and Eliot – just the two of you with the whole world still asleep around you. It’s nice, perfect.

He’s the one to break the silence, voice gruff as he flashes you a small, shy grin. “So, uh…you want to go for coffee?”

Your heart rams in your chest even louder than when you were staring the possibility of a gunshot wound to the face, the poor organ exhausted as your brain screams at you to accept his generous offer. It takes what feels like an eternity to muster up the courage to do so, but before you can Eliot’s already speaking once more.

“Not that you, uh,” he clears his throat. “Not that you should feel, uh, pressured, or anything. I just mean like, hey, you worked all night and just went through a pretty rough event, and you’re probably tired, and probably pretty hungry as well, and a coffee place just opened up a street away that I’ve heard good things about. I’ve wanted to try it out, for a while actually, and I wanted to, uh, see if I’d have the honor of you joining me…”

“Eliot,” you laugh as you step closer, placing your hand on his face to guide his eyes to yours. “Don’t be stupid. I’d love to go with you,” he smiles and it warms every bit of you. “Just let me grab my bag and clock out, I’ll meet you outside in a moment.”

He sputters through an “okay, sure, yeah,” before you both turn to leave – him out the front doors and you behind the large one your boss had just been hidden behind. Your hands shake just a little as you insert the little card into the dinosaur of a machine, the loud noise and sputtering sound it makes now white noise as you grab your purse and rejoin him outside.

When you arrive at the coffee shop (aptly named “The Bean Spot”) you order a caramel latte with a cheese Danish, Eliot getting a simple black coffee with cream along with a walnut muffin. You wait for your breakfast in relative silence, neither you nor Eliot sure what to say after such an event. When the food and drink are handed over to you, you find a spot tucked in the back with an excellent view of the whole place.

The coffee shop is nearly empty since it’s still so early in the morning – the only patrons coming in, getting their coffee, and zipping off to the next part of their day. It’s nice to be the only inert thing, the movements of the people around you providing a nice cover as they zip past, locking you and Eliot in your own little world as the world stretches its arms and prepares for another day of hustle and bustle.

By contrast, you and Eliot are wide awake, laughing as you swap horrible roommate stories and whatever else comes to mind. He asks about your degree but has enough class not to ask you about your graduation year (a rare feature of conversations these days), talking to you about all the books you’ve read and professors you’ve liked.

It’s odd – not bad, per say – but odd nonetheless, to be able to talk freely and openly and having him in front of you, within arm’s length as your knees barely touch under the small table. Seeing him in this space, a space more conducive to conversation and watching his hands as they pick at his blueberry scone and watching his mouth as the corners of his lips twist into a smile every so often and watching –

You blush at your own serial-killer-like thoughts, trying to suppress them with another sip of way too expensive but totally worth it coffee.

Eliot notices, because of course he does. “Hey, you alright?”

You nod, trying to calm your racing heartbeat. “Y-yeah, just-“

He smiles warmly, one hand moving to cradle your chin – to guide your downcast eyes to his. “It’s weird, seeing me in a new place, isn’t it?”

Once again, you nod. “It’s not that I don’t-“

“It’s okay,” his smile widens even as he now avoids your gaze, his hands moving to his lap as he fiddles with them. “It’s…I understand. Trust me, I get it.”

You exhale deeply, your shoulders falling a little. “I’ve thought a lot about this moment for, like, since you walked into the store for the first time…to have you here,” you gestured vaguely to the rest of the coffee shop, to the very few customers and baristas chatting about something you can’t hear and don’t care to pay attention to. “It’s…I don’t know. It’s not as if you’ve fallen short of expectations-“

Eliot gives a little chuckle, mumbling an “I sure hope so” with a glimmer in his eye that makes you want to jump on his lap and kiss him right there. Somehow, you find it in you to continue.

“It’s just super, super weird,” you tell him honestly. “And I don’t like it.”

The man in front of you leans forward, placing a hand over yours to calm you down.

“How about we get out of here,” Eliot murmurs, voice warm and thick like the caramel drizzle over your latte. “I have an espresso machine at my place, and could make you homemade baked goods a million times better than whatever you bought, and we can continue this in a space where the baristas don’t misspell my name on overpriced coffee.”

He gestures to the cup labeled Elliott, wincing as he does so. It makes you laugh, and you nod in agreement. Together you down the coffee and throw the empty cups along with the wrapping for your pastry away. It’s natural – the way the two of you move – as if you’ve known each other for a millennia, as if whatever it is between you two that’s formed is already as strong and sturdy as an oak tree.

Eliot places one of his large hands on the small of your back as you exit the cafe, thumbing at the fabric of your sweater as you wait to cross the street. It’s comforting – just a flash of the fire that he started for you back at the store a mere hours earlier, heat warming your blood from your toes and up your spine. As he guides you to his apartment his hand finds yours, his fingers fitting neatly next to yours as he points out parts of the city you’ve never slowed down enough to see.

You may not have known Eliot for very long, but even within that short amount of time (and even shorter conversations) he had become a safe house for you, one that you could easily make a home.

And, unbeknownst to the other person, the both of you intended on doing just that.

#eliot spencer x reader #eliot spencer/reader #eliot spencer fanfiction #eliot spencer #leverage #lukis does commissions #lukis writes stuff

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #457

“blue are the words i say and what i think / blue are the feelings that live inside of me”

Do you buy your lingerie at Victoria’s Secret? No. That shit is so overpriced and not for my size group. Would you ever use an online dating service? I never would again. Are you good at multitasking? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Have you ever eaten Frosted Mini Wheats? Ugh, those are so gross. What does your bikini look like? You think THIS bitch wears a bikini??????????????????????? Does age really matter in a relationship? To an extent, yes. How much does the last person you kissed mean to you? I honestly don't even know if I'd be here without her. Almost like magic, Sara popped back into my life right after I returned home from the hospital following my suicide attempt. She helped make recovery possible as a solid source of support. Do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough. My skin is so dry; I need to. Do you believe in teenage love? I experienced it deeply and thoroughly, so yes. Have you ever sat on the roof of your house? No. Do you like Sublime? I like that one popular one of theirs. "Santaria" or whatever it's called? What’s your favorite movie genre? Paranormal horror, especially the "found footage" type. It's creepy to imagine it being actually real. Is there a celebrity that you’d be willing to have a one night stand with? If he was single? I know in my gut I would lmaooooo Do you want to live in your current town the rest of your life? OH MY GOD PLEASE NO If you found out today your best friend was gay what would you do? She's demisexual, so. She can like anybody. If you could get a pet for free today-what kind/what name? A tegu, because it wouldn't need an enclosure that I don't have. I'd let it free roam. God, I can only imagine Roman's reaction. How many people have you slept with? If you mean what I think you do by "slept," one. Do you ever wish you had a family business to become a part of? Not really. What’s the most gruesome way you could come up with to kill someone? Hunny, have you seen my dark RP????? The world best be glad I'm a pacifist lmfao Do you think anyone deserves to die that way? I don't believe in torture, so no. If you had to fight for survival, what would your weapon of choice be? A gun, I guess? I'd want something with range and that's quick. I wanted to say a bow and arrow, but preparing another arrow after shooting once could really cost you your life. Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans? I don't wear jeans anymore. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog, period. If not, are you afraid of them? No, I love big 'ole puppos!!!!! I just don't wanna own a dog myself. Are you good at playing darts? Holy fuck no, I have NO hand-eye coordination. I once stabbed the guy at a balloon popping booth thing with a dart in the arm, if that tells you anything, ooooooooooof. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? YESSSSSSSSS omg Do your parents know that/if you smoke? They know that I don’t. Have you ever been under a blacklight? Omg so in elementary school, we did this thing once where we all washed our hands as best we could and then put them under some sort of light (maybe a blacklight, idk???) to see JUST how resilient germs are. You gotta scrub the fuck out ya hands, people. How many pounds do you want to lose? I'd rather not share a number, but a lot. What’s your favorite natural phenomenon? The Northern Lights. Do you snore? Very surprisingly for someone with sleep apnea like mine, I actually don't. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? Off the very top of my head, one, but it's spelled differently. I KNOW I know of a shitload more Brittanys, though. Is it possible you could be pregnant? Well, I haven't been intimate with a man in years and just finished my period, so like- Could you go a day without texting? I go most days without texting. Do you have a step-parent? My dad is remarried, so yes. If so, do you get along with them? She's EXTREMELY Christian, so her beliefs wildly disagree with mine, but I keep my mouth shut a lot just to keep the peace. She IS a very sweet woman, nevertheless, and am glad she and my dad are so happy together. Does your current/last job require that you wear a uniform? My last job (which lasted not even two hours lol) did. When will your driver’s license expire? My permit has been expired for like... two years. Do you live in an apartment? No. If the last person you kissed proposed to you what would you say? That's too wild a concept to even imagine. I'd probably ask if she was okay lmao. Would you ever get back with one of your exes? Weeeelp, I want to get back together with Girt. Pretty badly. Write a foreign word, and what it means: "Schadenfreude" is a German term that essentially means secondhand embarrassment, but it doesn't have a perfect translation. Is there an ex you think about everyday? Inevitably. That's PTSD, my friends. Who is the last person that you said I love you to, besides family members? Sara. What's the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? Something along the lines of "no one could ever love you like I do." It boils my blood just typing that; I considered even deleting this question. That quote right there is fucking manipulation, even IF I thoroughly believed it. Who was the last person to comment one of your pictures? I don't feel like looking. Do you tend to go for older or younger when looking for someone to date? It's weird, I'm into slightly older-than-me guys, but probably girls who are barely a bit younger than me. Have you ever been used? I don't think so. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? Like I've said in plenty of surveys: Jason is probably a permanent fixture. But also as of the past two days, Girt's been living up there. I went from "hmmm I just don't know how I feel" to "FUCK I want to talk to him about how stupidly into him I am right this fucking INSTANT" pretty goddamn fast. It kinda scares me just because of how extreme my feelings are. Again. That's only ever gotten me hurt. Buuuut let's not get into that. Have you ever got caught cheating on a test? No, because I've never tried to. Will your next kiss be a mistake? I hope it won't be. But it's not like I know the future. Have you ever worn an oxygen mask? Actually yes, when I was young and thought I was having an asthma attack or something. Mom had one for her own asthma. Then I obviously wore one for surgery. What song do you want to be played at your funeral? "Paradise" by Coldplay is absolutely #1. How many swear words are in the song you’re listening to? I'm not listening to music; I'm back to watching Gab play Sekiro. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same sex, and if so, who? Yeah, just Sara. Who did you last tell to ‘shut up’? Ha, I think my WoW friend Lyndsey, but only playfully, of course. We pick fun at each other all the time. Would you ever get a tattoo of a boyfriend/girlfriend's name? NOOOOOOOOO. Are you one of those girls who already have baby names picked out? I know what I'd name my kids IF I actually wanted any, yeah, but I don't. Do you think guys with long hair are attractive? Yessss, I love long hair on guys. Are any of your siblings taller than you? I think Ashley is a liiiiil bit taller? I know my brother is, for sure. Have you ever scared someone so badly that they cried? Yikes, no. When was the last time you wore high heels? Boy oh boy, no idea. Is there someone that you want to hurt right now? Jeez, no thanks. What was the most interesting or colorful birthday cake you’ve had? I don't remember, but I'm sure something from childhood. What was the last thing someone bought you? Was it expensive? Mom bought me food from McD's, which obviously isn't expensive. Do you have any interesting moles anywhere you don’t want people to know of? No. Have you ever gotten high or drunk in a really formal place? Strong "no" there. Do you ever write poetry and post it on any certain websites? On the very rare occasion I write poetry and actually like it, I'll sometimes post it on dA. What do you miss most about your childhood? Actually, genuinely having fun and not dealing with fucking anhedonia. Would you like to know the precise date of your future death? Hell no. Do you photograph well? I'd like to hope so. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? Maggots and similar bug larvae. What super power would you refuse, if it was offered to you, and why? Mind reading. It just sounds... awful and overwhelming. What’s your favorite discontinued product that you wish would come back? Oh, I KNOW I have answers to this, just none are coming to me immediately and I don't feel like sitting here for five minutes thinking about it. If adults had show and tell, what would you bring into work? My snek! :') If you had a reset button for the last 10 years, would you press it? Tempting, but... I don't think I would. I cannot go through how deep my depression was again. Who is someone you would never swear in front of? My nieces and nephew. Yes, I don't believe in profanity being a "thing" and is just a stupid human fabrication, but nevertheless I acknowledge societal standards and expectations, and they're way too young to get when you shouldn't say something like that and why. Have you ever won a contest or competition? A few. Who is your favorite TV character? I don't think I really have one? Do you coo over other people’s babies? Not really, no. Sometimes I'll think they're super cute and be like "awww," but I don't like... squeal and spaz like some people do. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. Has there been a celebrity death that really affected you? Steve Irwin got me deeper than anyone else. Chester Bennington hit real hard, too. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? Most of my closest ones, yes, at least via Facebook. What’s a movie that you want to see? Old movie, but Jacob's Ladder. It was a massive influence on Silent Hill, so naturally, I'll probably love it. It's a classic, anyway. Do you use the same username everywhere online or do you have a lot? I use "Ozzkat" in most places, but I do have some other ones for different sites. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant? My friend Ana recently revealed she's expecting her second child, a boy. What fad were you actually into? I have zero clue. Have you ever tailgated? Would you want to? Fuck no. That's how so many wrecks happen. My sister legit got in a wreck with an 18-wheeler mostly because she was tailgating (which she does BADLY); she was trying to pass, and he moved over at the same time because he couldn't see her coming around. It's a borderline miracle she got out with only some cuts, bruises, and a seatbelt burn. Have patience, people. Get off cars' asses. Why did you fall for the last person romantically? Look, don't get me started on this. There are a shitload of reasons and I have been way too emotional over this the past few days laksdfja;lwke What’s the last thing you had to eat? A bagel w/ cream cheese for breakfast. Do you ever pick up your house phone? We don't have a landline phone. Truth be told, are you more into looks or personalities the most? Personalities, for sure. I cannot be into you if your personality isn't attractive.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''i'm blue'' by eiffel 65

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colour-outside-the-liness · 3 years

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Hi Colour! How are you doing today? I don't know about doing meaningful things with my life, feel like I've just been surviving this entire time lol. However I am trying to figure it out and working on building the life I want to live and hopefully I will be able contribute to this world in some way.

I don't think I've ever played a game of trivial pursuit. Have never been to a pub either, not like the ones you have in the UK anyway. Just been to very dirty bars where me and my friends used to drink as much as we could afford, shared questionable food that could potentially make us sick the next day and there were no quizzes or games really haha. So your exp sounds way more fun! 😂

I'm glad you're giving the song a chance! Only Spotify knows how many times I've listened to it lol. I reckon Hozier's going to be my artist of the year for 2021. I love attributing works of art to Dani x Jamie, have a whole ass Pinterest board full with images of paintings, poetry, music and anything that I think relates to them really (yeah I know, I have a problem).

I love everything you've said about how Dani, Viola and the lady in the lake are alike, I hadn't really thought about their similarities before, but everything you've said makes perfect sense. I always saw Viola as a narcissist, even her drive to protect her child felt selfish in a way, don't know if you know what I mean. And when she fades away and becomes the lady she's just pure (almost animalistic) instinct while on auto pilot, bc she only remembers rage and abandonment, she takes anything on her path aggressively unless they're a child. So what she sees in Dani is not processed logically, right? It's pure instinct and emotions, so what she recognizes in her when Dani invites her in is the desperate need to protect this child, so she sees her as deserving. Perhaps she also saw in Dani and opportunity to escape this nightmare. Despite all her faults she didn't deserve what happened to her either.

And don't get me wrong, Jamie is so, so strong and solid and she is my favorite mostly bc I identify with her personality more than Dani's. But we know Jamie is all that even before we learn her story, and I feel like it is expected that she'll be the strong and brave one bc she's had to be that her entire life albeit unwillingly. But Dani? We expect her to break at any given point, I mean she is reaching her limit after all that's happened, with all the weight she's carrying. I remember thinking "Jesus, this girl needs help" when I first watched the show hahaha. But she fights every damn time, she doesn't run away and that's why I find her so fascinating. That's why I thought this song was so fitting. Even if Dani would never see herself that way. But it's Jamie's perspective (and fire signs tend to exaggerate everything 😂) so it feels fitting that she thinks so highly of her baby haha. Ugh I just wanted them to stay together forever. 🥺

Omg yes! I love how you refined this idea, good thing you're a writer and I'm not hahaha. And yeah I'm absolutely here for sapphics with weapons like holy shit imagine Jamie fighting with a sword? 🤤 I'm weak. Hahaha would be cool to see them in a pirate AU too! Maybe someone's already done it? Idk. But aaaah I want to see them in every possible universe hahaha. Makes me want to get back into drawing too. 😩

Aww you two sound like you have a lovely bond going on. Your niece sounds like the coolest! I started out drawing anime too when I was a kid and ended up doing graphic design for a living! How did learning how to draw anime style go for you today?

Hey I'm doing great thank you I hope you are too? I know that feeling because I feel like that's how I have made it to 27 just surviving (barely) and taking things one day at a time to get me to this point and hopefully I can contribute in some way even it its just a small way... so I totally get that feeling but I am sure you contribute so much without you even realising it!! Oh it's great but depending on how competitive the people you're playing with are it can get pretty heated... I've been in some heated games of it before because people just refuse to believe I know the answers to some of the questions and they think I've been cheating and have all but demanded I have another question asked instead of the one I got right... and pub quizzes can be fun again depending on the team you're in and how seriously you wanna take it I have been in teams where its been a serious thing and we have all desperately wanted to win and then I've been in teams and we've just had fun with it... all the pubs I go in are dirty bars too but sometimes they have pub quizzes... I have had many nights where I have drank what I can afford... one night me on my roommate went over board though and we ended up spending ALL our money even our taxi fair and we had to walk home in the dark along country roads with hardly any lights to guide us... because of how drunk we were it too us around 3-4 hours and I fell over a road sign and ended up in a ditch... I've had a lot of fun experiences but some really stupid ones as well... your experiences sound great though!! I would love that!! I listened to the song and I loved it so much!! I don't even wanna know what my most listened to artist will be this year... my money is on it being the Six musical soundtrack... probably All You Wanna Do from that musical I'll be surprised if it's anything else. I would love for it to be someone like Hozier, but ever since I have done my Spotify wrapped thing it's always been a musical of some kind that's been my number 1 song / artist haha I love doing the same thing. If I can make something fit Dani x Jamie I will like it doesn't even matter what it is haha... I don't think you have a problem I think that sounds so cool!! I have nothing like that. I just have a head full of random ideas screaming to be let out I agree Viola is definitely selfish and narcissistic and everything she did came from a place of anger and rage over the things that happened to her she fell in love and got married and had a child and saw her sister try and take that from her while she was ill and in the end her sister killed her. Like yeah, I do feel sorry for Perdita with the way she was treated but I do think everything Viola did was out of frustration over what was happening to her. Like you said she acts on auto pilot and only knows rage until it comes to children- because all she knows is she is looking for a child so when she saw Dani so selfless sacrifice herself for a child she saw a little bit of herself in Dani she knows Dani is a good person and she can relate to that protective streak and I think she did see Dani as deserving I definitely agree with everything you've said here. Viola might have had faults and flaws and who doesn't? But I definitely think she had it rough and did deserve better than she was given. I agree, you can tell looking at Jamie that she is strong and brave while Dani comes off as the exact opposite. But I think you see fully how brave they both are when Dani sacrifices herself for Flora and when Jamie offers to keep Dani company and loves her despite knowing she won't be able to love her forever. I love Jamie but definitely relate to Dani's personality more, there are a lot of things Dani does that I see myself in her because I have done those types of things myself and the whole beast in the jungle speech resonates with me so much and every time I watch the last episode and hear that speech I am a crying mess from that point on. It's funny that you thought that about Dani when you first watched it, because me and my sisters got my mum to

watch it and she said the same thing about Dani "she needs help" but then once told me she liked Dani because she reminded her of me that was an interesting conversation to be a part of "Dani needs help... but I like her she's like you." I was like "Thanks?" I agree this song is definitely more how Jamie would see Dani, I think Dani just has a very blasé view of herself, like I don't think she's self conscious or self deprecating in anyway but I think she sort of walks around like "this is me and this is just how I am" where as Jamie just sees Dani for how brave and strong and amazing she is- maybe even if as a fire sign she exaggerates a little bit haha Jamie just thinks Dani is the most amazing person in the world and I just know that Dani saw her the same way!! I really wanted them to be together forever... I am never going to emotionally recover from Bly Manor. Your idea was incredible and I think it would be a great story to read honestly that's the type of thing I live for!! OMG Jamie with a sword is just 🤤 🥵 I am all for sapphics and weapons of any kind!! There's this pirate AU which is absolutely amazing!! I don't know if you've read it or not but iamalekza writes some really great fics!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631598/chapters/70179306 ^^ Pirate AU I really wish I could draw I would love to be able to draw scenes from fics I have read and even ones I have written but I just don't have the skill set for that!! I would love to see other fan arts though I think drawing is such an incredible talent to have and I am in awe of anyone that can do it!! Me and my niece have a great bond, she's like a little mini me (despite almost being as tall as me). She is honestly such a cool kid I have a hell of a lot of fun with her- I'm looking after her again tomorrow and I have no idea what we're gonna do but we will figure something out... she's such a good drawer she's only just started doing it at the beginning of the year and she's really progressed with it... I however have not so I am definitely gonna need more practice. That's so cool that you started out doing anime drawing and then ended up going into a career in graphic design. Again that's a talent that I am just in awe of because it's just something I have never been able to do!!

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hqwritings · 4 years

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Kuroo, Bokuto, and Tsukkishima Hearing Their Roomate Dump Their Boyfriend

@venuslii requested: Kuroo, Bokuto and Tsukishima walking in on their roommate laughing on their phone and it turns out she broke up with her boyfriend and he posted about him being heartbroken and she says “that’s what you get you stupid b****” lmao headcanons or scenarios idrc

A/N: Eyy, thanks for requesting! I got a little stumped on some parts (*cough*Tsukki*cough*) but I hope you enjoy these! Requests are currently opened, no rules yet other than a maximum of only three characters please!

Kuroo Tetsurou:

-We all know this man loves his juicy gossip (re:when he immediately knew about Mikashou’s breakup) so when he heard you cackling in your room he knew he had to get you to spill the tea. It’s part of why you two get along so well and can stand living with each other: you two are nosey bitches that thrive off of spilling annoying/funny stories about the people in your life. He also gives killer advice that seems to always work for you, so that’s a bonus too.

-Since you two don’t really care about privacy near each other you left your door open and he takes the opportunity to dramatically poke his head in and pose at the doorway like the sexy bastard he is. “What’s so funny Y/N it’s not often that you keep secrets from me~”

-Needless to say he was a little baffled to see you cackling to the straight up breakdown your boyfriend was having over the phone. Kuroo feels an evil little grin coming onto his face. He never liked your boyfriend anyway. He was a bitch that was too easily angered and didn’t know how to keep his cool. Then again he never liked Kuroo either, always thinking he was gonna steal his girl (which Kuroo never bothered correcting him on because it was so fucking funny to him)

-He’s grinning at you and asks “Oh? What’d the bitch do now?” He’s leering over your shoulder as you show him your ex’s Snapchat, filled with sad Bart Simpson memes and edits with slowed rap music playing in the background. You even get him to read the terrible captions that say shit like “When the person who you thought was the one becomes a stranger again 😭😔” you’re laughing so hard at it you can’t even say anything

-Kuroo busts out the LOUDEST and most OBNOXIOUS hyena laugh ever and he’s grabbing your phone and going through all the other posts he’s missed so far and you’re just on your bed rolling in your sheets DYING and clutching your stomach because it’s hurting so bad

-“So you finally dumped him eh?? Good for you Y/N!” He shouts between laughs and then directs his attention to your crying ex, mocking him by saying “I have some sad Plankton memes if you need them! Unblock me first and I’ll send them to you! HAHAHA-“

Your ex hates him so fucking much and keeps trying to say something back but he keeps stumbling over his words and it just makes the two of you laugh even harder

-When you manage to get your laughter under control you lightly kick Kuroo (who’s now sitting on your bed) as a signal for him to give back your phone. When he hands it back to you, you go back to the call with your ex and shout “SEE THAT?! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET YOU STUPID BITCH!” With that final blow to his ego you’re satisfied, and hang up on him

-When Kuroo hears that click signaling the end of the call, he raises his hand for a high five and you give it to him. He’s sitting straight up now and immediately tackled you in a hug. You two kind of just lay there, and even though it’s mildly uncomfortable, he knows you need it. It’s warm, soft, and safe, showing you that he was always gonna be there for you no matter what

-“Good job Y/N, that guy was a major dickwad. He wasn’t nearly as hot as me anyway. Probably had a tiny dick too” “Trust me, he did” “Holy shit-“

-He rolls off of you from the hug but is still laying down next to you on your bed while holding your hand. You vent to him about how good and free you finally feel now that your ex is officially out of your life. During your conversation you two make a note to burn all the clothes your ex left in your room at your next house party/bonfire.

Bokuto Kotarou:

-He’s either A)chilling on the couch B)chilling on the couch talking to Akashi/Kuroo/Tsukki or C)chilling on the couch and playing video games. You two don’t have any particular system set up, because you two don’t care. What matters is that you’re bro’s and you both do your part to make (barely) make rent every month.

-You and Bokuto share plenty of funny stories to each other but he’s used to you just sitting in your room doing your own thing talking to whoever, but when he hears you literally CACKLING like a freaking maniac, he can’t stop himself from pausing whatever he’s doing and going to your room to make sure you’re still alive

-He gives a light knock on your door before realizing it’s unlocked and just coming in and he’s really surprised to see you doubled over on your floor laughing like there’s no tomorrow as he can hear your boyfriend on speaker phone, making the ugliest sobbing noises he’s ever heard

-“Whatcha doing Y/N? I can hear ya all the way from the living room, what’s up with you?” He asks, both curious and slightly concerned for you. You quickly get up, ignoring your (now ex-) boyfriend and pulling up his public Snapchat story that also has sad Bart Simpson memes and long ass sad emo paragraphs about how heart broken he is (it’s a little impressive how quickly he wrote it up though, given how you broke up w him like five minutes ago)

-“Bo, look at this shit- haHA I just dumped him!” Bokuto knows how much of a piece of shit your ex is, since you’ve spent so many nights crying to him about your fights and the hurtful things he’d say to you so he eagerly eats up the absolute bulls hit on his story and laugh with you while listening to his sobbing

-Your ex is fuming whilst crying over the phone “REALLY Y/N?! YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR ROOMMATE IN ON THIS?! I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME WITH HIM YOU SLU-“ but you were having none of it so you immediately shoot back “OH SHUT THE FUCK UP THAT’S WHAT YOU GET YOU STUPID BITCH” Bokuto is absolutely DYING by now, hyping you up as you shut your ex down

-He’s so happy to see that you know your worth now and aren’t going to let some dumbass boy make you think otherwise. So many times he’s wanted to just clock him in the jaw (he radiated really douchey vibes) but now he doesn’t have to (unless you want him to of course)

-Your ex angrily hangs up and you two are having a fit on the floor, Bokuto laying over your body as you read out the songs on the emo playlist he just posted. You even move to twitter to see him tweeting sad Pinterest quotes

-When the laughter dies down and he’s still laying over you and you’re just on the floor he turns over to look at you. “You know, I’m happy you broke up with that douche-face. He was ugly anyway, and a shit volleyball player. You deserve better” He lovingly pats your head “I’m proud of you Y/N, really” You almost want to cry at how sweet he’s being but you just smile and get up, walking to the doorway and turning to look at him

-“Thanks Bo, I appreciate that. All that laughing makes me tired though. Wanna order takeout and watch a movie? I’ll let you pick” He happily gets up from your floor and gives you a big high five and you two walk out of the room to go order your food. Your ex, completely pushed out of your mind.

Tsukkishima Kei:

-Doesn’t usually care about gossip (except for that one King of the Court thing w Kageyama) so your conversations don’t really go into “tea” abt people. You two are pretty close at this point and you both are hella nerds so your conversations will probably be about stuff like your sports/activities and maybe the occasional debate over which Jurassic Park Movie was the best (He will always go with the first one, he has a whole PowerPoint and everything). Otherwise you two don’t talk too too much, keeping to yourselves and being relatively peaceful.

-When he hears your loud laughter and straight howling, he’s… slightly annoyed. What could possibly so funny that you had to scream loud enough for him to be able to hear when he’s wearing headphones for fuck’s sakes. He begrudgingly takes off his headphones and makes his way to your room with the intention of telling you to stfu

-He doesn’t even bother knocking because he’s petty so when he sees you rolling over the floor AND hears your boyfriend’s loud hiccups and sobs turned on the highest volume on speaker phone he goes from annoyed to confused and annoyed.

-“Y/N you’re being so loud and it’s annoyi- what the hell are you doing” He’s not even trying to hide his mild disappointment in you and even makes a comment about your ex sobbing over the line “Why’s your annoying boyfriend crying too- he doesn’t sound like he’s laughing”

-You take a break from laughing to shout back at Tsukki “Make that Ex-Boyfriend Tsukkishima!! HAHA- come here, look at this- look-“ you’re getting up from your floor and grabbing him by the sleeve to sit him on your bed as you eagerly go through your ex’s Snapchat filled to the brim with emo poetry and paragraphs about heartbreak

-“I broke up with him 10 minutes ago and he’s still crying-“ Tsukki can’t help but laugh at this as he’s reading the absolute bullshit that your ex typed out. He can always tell when he’s going to be annoyed by someone and the moment your boyfriend stepped into your place, he knew that he would never get along with him. He avoided him like the plague and always denied the invite when you would go out together but would occasionally hear your fights through the walls or your crying when he came home late (in those moments he’s actually really nice and will sit and listen to you)

-“Wow… this is absolutely pathetic, how old are you, 12? This is bullshit!” Tsukki has no chill, verbally beating down your ex and only making him cry harder and now your stomach hurts as you clutch it with your free hand. At one point your ex decides he’s had enough and from the other end of the line he shouts “SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING- YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT WHO CAN'T MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS-“ and Tsukki’s not having ANY of this so immediately goes “And you’re a sad loser who just got dumped by his girlfriend over the phone! What does that say about you?”

-You’re grinning ear to ear during this whole exchange and after Tsukki says that you bring the phone to your mouth (hoping to scream as loud as possible into your ex’s ears) and say “THAT’S WHAT YOU GET YOU STUPID BITCH-“ and hang up.

-It doesn’t stop there though- no no no- you two crack yourselves up even further by doing dramatic readings of all the messages (with stupid impressions of your ex to boot): “Oh baby if only I could hold you in my arms one last time!” “Heart been broke so many times-“ “Nobody cares about me, even the person who I thought I could trust the most-“ “Holy shit Tsukki you sound just like him-“

-When you can’t view his story/tweets anymore because he’s blocked you, you and Tsukki finish laughing. His long legs are draped over your bed and yours are placed on his lap. At this point he doesn’t even care because it’s been a good while since he ever found something THAT funny. He isn’t really the type for softly comforting his friends but you know that he definitely has a little soft spot for you (at least a tiny one) and you just sit there and gently kick him.

-“What” he asks and you just give him a soft smile and say “Thanks”. He has his own small smile on his face (that you can totally see but don’t mention because then it’ll go away) and just looks away from you and says “You’re annoying” (which by now you know translates to “You’re welcome”)

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines #kuroo testuro #bokuto koutaro #tsukkishima kei #kuroo x reader #bokuto x reader #tsukki x reader

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mcrmadness · 4 years

Note

Oooo, how about two from each of them? Fanfic asks: J and P, film asks: 15 and 16, music asks: 20 and 26.

OMG thanks!!! :DDD

Ask games: Fanfic asks, Film asks and Music asks. (People you can still send me asks if you want, asks are fun to answer to!)

***

FANFIC ASKS:

A little background before we get to the questions: I haven’t written too many, actually only 6 quite short ones (and one of them is a bit longer than usual) about Die Ärzte (Bela/Farin FTW) and all of these I have written between the years 2009 and 2012, so I was 18-21 which means they are not that good. And there’s lots of things I wouldn’t write anymore. I also have a WIP on my computer, I started it in 2012 but stopped writing altogether only to start writing again in the end 2018, it has bit over 28k words currently and tbh I have written 90% of that when I started writing again two years ago. I still have my old ones up on LiveJournal (ask for a link), but I haven’t published anything fron this later one as I’ve just been writing down all kinds of snippets whenever I have had an inspiration. I think those are also a lot better in quality than what I wrote before, the old ones are quite cringey.

J. What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I guess we talk about those fics I have also finished, now. It’s actually hard to decide but I would say my favourite is either Why not even once? or The Boring Book Freak. I think the latter is actually The favourite.

The first one (was actually my second dä ff overall) is set to happen in 2003 and in that one Farin is leaving for another vacation somewhere and Bela wants to go with him, but Farin wants to travel alone and Bela is struggling with that, as well as with Farin finally leaving and having to somehow survive his time at home without Farin there. The writing itself is bit stupid and I feel that the end got bit too far but otherwise I like the idea.

The second one (came actually after the previous one) is set to happen in the early/mid 90s (my fave Bela/Farin era btw) and on that they just are at some random summer cottage. Now, fuck cottagecores and such, I wrote it because summer cottages are a thing in Finland and I wrote it when cottagecore was not even cool yet. Somehow I imagined that it would be very Farin-like to rent a cottage from the middle of nowhere, in a forest and then spend a weekend or so there with Bela. Who then is not entertained at all and is bored because Farin won’t put away his book and won’t give him any attention, so he tries everything to get Farin’s attention. I especially like the visual images this fanfic gives to me, I can see their hairs and outfits so well and those are also aesthetically very pleasing. (They look the same as in that Absolut Live interview from the 90s, I don’t control their looks with my fics usually, I just have an idea and then my brain creates how they look in that particular scene :D)

I have also written a short songfic around the lyrics of their song “Ich weiß nicht (ob es Liebe ist)” and it was fun to imagine that as Bela/Farin. That was fun to write.

This got a bit long so I put the rest under a cut:

P. What are your favorite tropes to write?

(Had to google what a trope is lol. I’m old-school and no longer know most of the terms unless they’re old terms.)

Angst - I put my own angst, sadness and angriness into my writing often. It’s when I feel like in real life I would need other people but I don’t know how to reach out or don’t just feel comfortable about opening up, I open up a file and start writing. This is also where we get to the next trope...

Hurt/Comfort - But not so that X hurts Y, but that Y feels hurt for other reasons and then X comforts them. I kinda got obsessed with this theme after being bullied at school so I was always hurt but never comforted, so I often go back to those feels and emotions with my text to look for that comfort (hug, nice words, whatever) I never got in real life.

Fluff - This is bit complicated because I like writing fluff but I also hate reading fluff I have written. Because it does not sound like me. And sometimes when I write, I feel like standing behind my own back and vomiting a little on the inside because of how cheesy and disgusting that is but still I can’t stop writing. And then I feel like a different person when I read them because I can’t believe it’s ME who wrote them. The same way when I watch movies and people kiss, I always look away. And I want to look away when I read my fanfiction. But I can’t, especially because I know I looked at that scene in my head when I wrote it.

Humour - I love humour so much and I like to include this to my writing. Normally I put the humour in my comics but some of that fits also in the regular texts too.

***

FILM ASKS:

These are super tough but also fun - I have been trying to think of what to answer to these for days.

15. A film everyone loves but you hate?

The Avengers (-12). Sorry but not sorry. Well I don’t hate it but I don’t understand why everyone says it’s the best Marvel movie ever. It’s not. It’s full of clichés and stupid forced heteroromances and whatnot and the plot was just so, so predictive I don’t understand why it’s often talked about as some sort of cinematic master piece. I literally was able to tell everything that was gonna happen next when I watched it for the first time. Only cool things in that movie are Loki and Iron Man, whose character I already liked as I had seen the Iron Man movie and liked it. But I hated both Thor movies (the third one is awesome tho).

I like Marvel and I have seen I guess most of the movies - before MCU all good Marvel movies to come out were The X-Men movies and Spider-Man movies, and because I saw so many terrible Marvel movies, I was avoiding the whole MCU and I got into these movies much later and still, after seeing them all, I say The Avengers is one of the worst ones. Thor and Thor 2 are pretty much even worse (and I haven’t even seen the Hulk movie because it looks terrible), mainly because I just can’t stand the fact they’re mainly just built around Thor and his love interest...

16. A film you love but everyone else hates?

Spider-Man 3 (or the whole trilogy with Tobey Maguire). I see we continue with Marvel here but seriously I don’t understand why everyone is always picking on Tobey’s version of Spider-Man? And people especially hate the third movie and how Venom was portrayed in it (I’m obsessed with Venom’s human teeth pls I want his teeth), when it’s actually the best one for me. The second one is bit boring because it was again all about whining and Mary-Jane... Anyway, the reason why I am so attached to these movies is that I saw the first Spider-Man movie from TV when I was a teenager and in junior high myself, and I was bullied and a bit of a nerd so I could relate to Peter Parker a lot, and it gave me just so much strength to see him become Spider-Man and to stand up against the bullies and other assholes.

I also saw the third movie in the movie theater and there was one scene during which I started hysterically laughing with my friend because of an expression Tobey made as he was sitting on a bed, I don’t know why but somehow I just totally lost it at that :D It still makes me laugh so much when I see it! And when the movie ended, I heard a The Killers song “Move Away” for the first time during the end credits and TK was one of my favorite bands at the time (and still is).

***

MUSIC ASKS:

20. a song that empowers you

It gotta be Dead! by My Chemical Romance:

youtube

This album was what got me through all the shit that happened when I was 15+ and especially this song always made (and still makes) me feel so good. I often listened to my old mp3 player while walking to school and back home and every time this song came by, I just felt like nothing can harm and that life FINALLY was so great! It’s so energetic and still makes me feel that living is actually super awesome.

26. a song that taught you a lesson

Hmmm. I think I will answer to this with Dusche by Farin Urlaub.

youtube

That thumbnail is terrible but... And why did I choose this song? Well, I’m all for the sound what comes to music and I’d say at least 80% of all lyrics go way over my head. I just don’t have the skills for understanding poetry and also very poetic lyrics make me go crazy. I hate not knowing and when I have to assume, guess and interpret something. I don’t want to guess but I wanna know what someone has actually thought.

Dusche was the first song that had lyrics that for the first time ever actually spoke for me. I probably saw some video with English subtitles a fan had made and it just blew me away because holy shit, people are capable of writing lyrics even I can understand??? And that way I realized I can like lyrics but only if they make absolutely no sense (aka are funny or somewhat crazy, like Dusche) or when they are written in a story form or sung from the 1st person view or to “you” or in passive - but only if I can get behind the idea there.

After Dusche, Farin’s song Porzellan followed. And one of my absolute favourites is Karten. So, Farin is one of the only few people whose lyrics I have been able to understand. I still don’t hear lyrics and don’t understand a majority of the lyrics my fave bands write, and I have understood only a couple of Bela’s lyrics and I’m not sure if I’ve understood any of Rod’s lyrics. It’s not even about the language barrier anymore really, it’s just the topics or wordings I cannot comprehend.

Thank you again for the ask! This was very interesting to ponder and answer to :)

#useless-blog-of-a-moth #mutuals #ask games #mcrmadness' random stuff

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metalbatandzenko · 4 years

Note

All of them. All the questions.

oof

1. Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

I have sliding doors on my closet so it’s one open one closed.

2. Do You Have Freckles?

Nope!

3. Can You Whistle?

Nope (:

4. Last Song You Listened To.

I...don’t remember lmao, I think it was 6 Inch by Beyonce

5. What Is Your Favorite Color?

I don’t know if I have one tbh.

6. Relationship Status.

Currently juggling seven reply guys bc rona has everyone acting out of line, but single.

7. What Is The Temperature Right Now?

46º

8. Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yes sdkjfhdlkf

9. How Many Followers?

215.

10. Zodiac Sign.

Aries/Aries/Cancer.

11. What Is Your Eye Color?

Brown.

12. Take A Vitamin Daily?

No.

13. Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yes, usually it’s Mitski or songs from musicals because you know. Former theater kid.

14. What Books Are You Reading?

The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch.

15. Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

“As in earlier days” from the poem The Walk by Thomas Hardy

16. Favorite Anime?

OPM is the only anime I watch. Being Japanese American and fem aligned means having. Not great associations with anime tbh.

17. Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried in front of someone

WAIT YES I DO

It was November 23rd and my little cousin and I watched Over the Garden Wall. Both of us cried at the end.

18. Do You Collect Anything?

I have a knife collection and an old rock collection from when I was younger. I also unintentionally have a major makeup collection. My lipstick collection is borderline embarrassing. In my defense it started in 7th grade.

19. What Did You Have For Lunch?

I uh. I didn’t have lunch skfjhdsljfh

20. Do You Dance In The Car?

I do!

21. Favorite Animal?

Dude I fucking love crows.

22. Do You Watch The Olympics?

Some of them! My mom was really athletic growing up (as in one of those kids that plays a sport every season in high school), so she watches a lot of them. We tend to watch figure skating (which I know little about but have strong opinions on), gymnastics, synchronized swimming, track, and judo.

23. What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Usually I’m in bed by 11 but I don’t go to sleep until 2am. Recently I’ve been getting to sleep at 7am.

24. Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

It is currently three in the morning so no akslkjsahd

25. Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Ocean. I grew up in Northern California near the coast, and now I’m in a landlocked state. And you can kind of feel it, you know? The air doesn’t smell like salt and redwoods, the mountains aren’t there to hold up the sky so you just feel it pressing down on your chest. I miss the ocean.

26. Favorite Tumblr Blog?

I don’t know if I have a favorite. erikkillmongerdontpullout is funny and insightful, and I love dostoevskydocs’ poetry compilations.

27. Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

I grew up somewhere with access to really good tap water, so I’ll go with that.

28. What Makes You Happy?

Writing, spending time with friends, the feeling of dappled sunlight through the tree canopy.

29. Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

30. Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

With :)

31. Dogs Or Cats?

Dogs but I love cats too!

32. If You Were A Crayon What Color Would You Be?

Moss green!

33. PlayStation Or Xbox.

Xbox.

34. Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Ocean. I don’t trust lakes.

35. Do You Believe In Magic?

I believe in the supernatural, I don’t know if magic’s the right word. It’s more like a belief that there’s something more to the world than what we’re able to perceive.

36. What Color Shirt Are You Wearing?

Charcoal grey.

37. Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes! I can also make my tongue into a clover.

38. Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

A bit of both. I can be pretty frugal when I’m by myself but I inherited the need to pay for everything for my friends from my mom, so if my friends are around, I will try to muscle my way into paying for everything. This is usually unsuccessful bc my friends are in the same boat.

39. Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yes. I’ve got a pink water bottle on my bedstand.

40. Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

I mean. OPM lkjshdflkjdh I’ve been hyperfixating on it, but I also am pretty obsessed with OTGW (I have been for years).

41. Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

No but I’ve had a few land on me.

42. Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Depends on the person. Overall, I’d say no, but my friends have significant sway over me.

43. Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Yes.

44. Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

I actually do. But only for short flights. Anything longer than 4 hours makes my body really hurt.

45. Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Moana.

46. Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Sunflower seeds!

47. If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Orville Peck or Carseat Headrest.

48. Are You A Picky Eater?

Nope!

49. Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yeah.

50. Do You Fear Thunder/Lightning?

No, I actually love them. I sleep best when it’s thundering.

51. Do You Like To Read/Write?

Yes to both. I’m a Creative Writing major so dkljfhljkdf

52. Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yeah! Though not as loud as some people, my ears are sensitive.

53. Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents. I’m not a big fan of the smell of pumpkin, and wrapping presents is a tradition for my mom, brother and I. We’d put on some music, drink some hot chocolate, and wrap as many as possible. Then my brother and I would smuggle some wrapping paper to our rooms and wrap our mom’s gift.

54. Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Somebody that I Used to Know-Gotye (listen the song still slaps)

55. What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Winter/Spring transition. It hailed for 15 minutes straight yesterday.

56. What Are You Craving Right Now?

A popeyes 5 piece spicy chicken meal with fries and ranch. Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

57. Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

I don’t wanna.

58. What Is Your Gender?

Nonbinary, but vaguely girl adjacent.

59. Coffee Or Tea?

I think coffee. I drink more tea, but I also drink exclusively green tea and chai (like the traditional chai made with milk not the chai teabags) and I really am not a black/white/earl grey tea person.

60. Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

OOF Yeah I do

I’ve got a thousand word readers response to “The Other Boat” by E. M. Foster, a one thousand word journal about WWI, a reflective journal check in and a powerpoint I have to make for Sense and Sensibility for Brit Lit and I also am tutoring a few of my classmates

In my biological anthropology class I’ve got a Unit Exam and a few lectures to watch

For my internship/Teachers Assistant position I’ve got 17 10 page rough drafts to read and give in depth comments on as well as a portfolio I have to assemble for next year’s TA bc I’m transferring, phone meetings with the 17 students who wrote those rough drafts, and I’ve gotta compile some resources for my professor

I need to finish my memoir for my independent study and I have to present. my nonfiction memoir. to my classmates. on Zoom. I’m one of two people doing a nonfiction memoir for their independent study the rest are doing fiction, poetry or a literary analysis paper so like. My classmates are gonna be talking about their fiction piece and then I’m gonna be giving a 15 minute reading and Q&A about a piece that focuses on my trauma and being hate crimed so that’s fun.

I also gotta get some stuff done for my school’s lit magazine.

61. What Is Your Sexuality?

A known bisexual™

62. Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

I try to but I forget.

63. Favorite Pokémon?

Togepi, Blissey and Togekiss.

64. Favorite Social Media?

I hate to say it but it’s tumblr.

65. What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

If it’s longer than six stories, I’m not watching it. Unless I know they’re gonna be fun or we’re really close then I will.

66. Do You Get Homesick?

A bit. I’m still really homesick for my hometown tbh because that’s where all my family except for my parents are. I’m really close with my extended family, so being isolated from them feels like there’s an emptiness at my side.

67. Are You A Virgin?

No.

68. What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Redken Frizz Dismiss. I got those big fucking bottles you can get at Ulta where it’s like a gallon of shampoo so I haven’t had to buy any in over a year.

69. If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

I’ve slept in my car before and I will do so again most likely. Also $60 is too much to spend for a motel room.

70. Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yes. Though I’m much closer to my mom than my dad.

71. Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

Idk shit about movies tbh.

72. Do You Miss Your Ex?

One of them yes, the others no. But the one I miss I also acknowledge is someone who had their place in my life at the time and helped me through some rough shit, but no longer has a place in my life. I appreciate the hell out of him though, and we’re on good terms.

73. What Is Your Favorite Quote Right Now?

I’ve got two!

“I don’t know how to stay tender with this much blood in my mouth” –Ophelia, Hamlet

and

"Suffering feels religious if you do it right." –Chelsea Hodson

74. What Eye Color Do You Find Sexiest?

Brown. Especially the almost black-brown eyes.

75. Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

Yes to both.

76. What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Chocolate covered pretzels ljhflfsd

77. What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Toon Blast and 2048.

78. Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Holy shit I hate this question. Yes, of course I would. I don’t know why mentioning that the person is homeless is relevant. Homeless people are not somehow less worthy of CPR?? What the fuck.

79. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

...yes

80. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

I’ve briefly skimmed over someone’s page after meeting them but I don’t lurk.

81. Do You Like Meeting New People?

Depends on my mood.

82. Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I hate my hands so this was pushing it.

83. Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed.

84. What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Corrected papers, walked my dog, did some writing.

85. What Do You Wear To Bed?

T-shirt and shorts.

86. List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

Dude I can’t do that I have too many, I’ve been buying makeup for 7 years and I used to work next to a sephora

My makeup routine pre-rona was:

Sephora brand moisturizer

Milk Hydrogrip primer

Fenty Pro Filtr Hydrating Foundation

Maybelline Age Rewind Concealer

Anastasia Brow Definer

Glossier Cloud Paint

Fenty Sunstalkr Bronzer

Fenty Liquid Flyliner

Fenty Flypencil

Fenty Full Frontal Mascara

Fenty Glossbomb

It’s...an expensive routine.

87. Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night to early morning.

88. List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

I answered this one and I don’t want to reanswer it tbh ldkjfhds

89. Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I genuinely can’t remember any of my dreams right now. I remember a snippet of one where I was in a cave and I looked at the wall and I could see water running down it, reflecting in the torchlight but that’s literally it.

90. Favorite Soda Drink?

I’m a big pomegranate person, so Italian soda’s my go to.

91. What Sounds Are Your Favorite?

The sizzle of meat hitting a hot wok, rain, hail, thunder, the crunch of dry leaves. I also love the sound of Simone de Rochefort’s laugh. It’s so good.

92. Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans.

93. How Do You Look Right Now?

Shitty.

94. Name Something That Relaxes You.

Skyrim ldskjfhd

95. What Tattoo Do You Want?

I really want to get my family’s mon on my ribcage and my mom’s Japanese name somewhere. I don’t know how my pain tolerance is but if I can handle it, I’d want to get at least a partial sleeve.

96. Favorite YouTuber?

Polygon and Watcher.

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wendysandersons · 4 years

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WENDY SANDERSON ( YARA SHAHIDI ) is a 16 year old JUNIOR student at Broadripple Academy. SHE is originally from JAMAICA PLAIN, MASSACHUSETTS but moved to Broadripple 1 YEAR ago. SHE is EXCITABLE and EMPATHETIC but can also be CLINGY and IMPATIENT.

1. Full Name?

Wendy Shohreh Sanderson

2. Preferred Names or Nicknames?

Wendy, Wends, Wendybird — she likes ‘em all!

3. What does their name mean? Does it have any significance in their family? Do they like their name?

Ripped straight from the internet: “‘Fwendy’ means, simply: friend. The second meaning of the name Wendy (“fair-skinned, blessed”) dates before Barrie and likely comes from a pet name for Gwendolyn. These elements come from the Gaelic words “gwyn” (holy, white) and “dolen” (ring).” When Wendy was born, her grandmother chose her name. As Peter Pan was one of the first books she read in English, she was attached to the name Wendy. Wendy as a character in the book was polite, well-mannered, and forgiving. This Wendy hits maybe one to two on a good day, so it works well enough. Wendy likes her name because her dad called her Wendybird growing up, whereas her sister Eleanor just got plain ol’ ‘Nell’. It made her feel special. Plus, while she doesn’t care much for Barrie or his story, she can relate to Peter Pan’s love of fun and youth. So, hey, no real complaints here!

4. Age and Date of Birth?

16 / June 21

5. Gender and Pronouns?

Cis Female, She/Her

6. Hometown?

Boston, Massachusetts — specifically in Jamaica Plain

7. Does your character fit into any well known archetypes or tropes?

Oh man, uhh. Sort of whatever Britney Murphy’s character in Uptown Girls was, in the “growing up is gross :(” sense. Daydreamer. Poetry lover. She has a head-in-the-clouds vibe. The chatterbox. Actually, with this talk of Peter Pan, uh, yeah. Bit of a Peter Pan!

8. How long have they been at Broadripple?

Wendy has been at Broadripple since the beginning of her sophomore year.

9. What led them to apply to Broadripple? Was it a decision made by them or by their parents/guardians or somewhere in between?

About two years ago, her family came into a solid chunk of change. Wendy’s mother Bahar is a nurse and caretaker. Over the past decade, she had been taking care of a wealthy elderly man in the Back Bay. When he passed, he unexpectedly left her some money in his will. Wendy’s parents almost immediately decided it would be invested in Wendy’s education. Her dad’s parents wanted her to receive a Catholic one, and her dad wanted Wendy to practice some independence, and so Broadripple came up in their research and she was off. Wendy’s hand in the decision-making process was decidedly minimal.

10. Whether they’ve been at Broadripple four days or four years, do they enjoy it? Do they like Broadripple?

Wendy enjoys Broadripple in that it’s fun to romanticize a bunch of old buildings. She enjoys creating narratives about and daydreaming of students of the past among the hallowed halls more than she does doing group projects. The school itself is too far-removed from society for her to find it particularly scintillating, but she’s making do! She’s a pretty positive person, though undoubtedly impatient. But she’ll admit it has its other draws. Their reputation is near-flawless—disregarding all that spooky shit, which she personally finds cool and intriguing, since the endless forest has some real The Witch vibes—and it bolsters a lot of interesting clubs and classes she can be a part of. The longer she attends, the more uncomfortable she is with the wealth of her peers, as well as impatient with those she deems rude and snobbish. She also has a habit of falling in love/developing crushes easily, often, and recklessly, and Broadripple certainly doesn’t have a shortage of attractive people. It’s a real gold mine, there.

11. What house are they in? Do they care very much about their house?

Wendy is in Keough. She likes the sense of belonging and the camaraderie, real or imagined.

12. Who do they share a dorm with, or are they on their own for the moment? What are they like to live with? Are they clean or messy? Early risers or night owls?

At the moment, Wendy is on her own! So that leaves her to be as messy as she wants — and she can be very messy. One side of her bed is for sleeping, the other is for trash, textbooks, homework, magazines, etc. If she had a roommate, I imagine she might drive them a little nuts with it. In general, I’d say she is more of an early riser. She’s someone who is somehow simultaneously lazy and restless, so she likes to get to bed early to veg out on her laptop with a bag of goldfish and then she’s up early to get her day started.

13. How is your character’s dorm decorated? Is it bare or bursting at the seems with personality? Any particular sentimental items from home?

Wendy is a proponent of the opposite of minimalism, which is Clutterbitch. She has various knick knacks and pictures and posters, as well as plenty of bins and storage to keep all her products, books, snacks, etc. There is no surface left untouched, let’s say that, and most likely a string of fairy lights somewhere. She also has a couple half-dead plants by her window, a Lykke Li poster on her wall, and a collection of postcards from her sister who travels around the country with the nonprofit she works for.

14. What is their favourite subject at school? Do they even have a favourite? Why?

Wendy’s favorite subject is Literature Analysis. She enjoys it because it is something of a creative outlet; she firmly believes there’s a lot of leeway in how things can be interpreted and she enjoys interpreting things ad nauseam. She particularly likes when they cover poets, but none of that boring classical white guy stuff. She’s more of a Toni Morrison-Mary Oliver-Anne Sexton-Jeanette Winterson-Gwendolyn Brooks type.

15. Are they involved in any clubs? Which ones?

Wendy is a member of the Chamber Choir, Women of Broadripple, and Yearbook (writer).

16. How does your character feel about Broadripple’s Unofficial Clubs? Do they know about them? Are they a part of any of them?

BBC: Gag! Like, morally. But if anyone hot happened to pay attention to her and let her borrow a pen one day, then who knows skjdn.

Chastity Club: Old School(TM). Pass!

BAU: Sign her tf up! She’d definitely be a member.

17. Does your character participate in any sports? If so, what made them join the team?

Noooope.

18. What afternoon activities does your character do? Do they just do the one mandatory one or are they involved in multiple? Why?

Wendy is involved in two afternoon activities, because she likes having things to do that aren’t burdensome and people to talk to. She’s involved in photography (she’s not very good but she’s having fun and hey, isn’t that what matters?) and the seasonal musical production. She is always a member of the company, never a lead, and again: she’s here to have a blast! Maybe look a bit foolish now and again. It’s NBD.

19. Do they miss their home when they’re at Broadripple? Do they often go home for the weekends or do they only go home during holiday breaks?

Wendy misses home a lot. She misses the noise and bustle and even the grey griminess of Boston. She misses her neighborhood and her neighbors, including (but only a teeny tiny bit) the annoying college kids encroaching on in. She misses her grandma’s cooking and her dad’s booming laughter and the smell of her mom’s perfume. She’s a very sentimental, clingy person. It’s hard for her to be away from the people she loves. Every once in awhile she’ll take a Greyhound back home for the weekend.

20. Did your character know Izzy De Santis or Maggie Monroe?

She did not know either of them. Maggie was in her year and maybe they shared a few classes but they never really spoke (*wendy voice*: the vibes were off), but she is totally wigged out by their disappearances.

21. Has your character heard of Edith Lynch? Do they know the story?

Wendy has heard of Edith Lynch and she has heard the story. After her parents chose Broadripple, they came across it in their research and they had a little sit-down talk about it because they’re a bit dramatic as hell. It was mostly to keep Wendy from using it as a reason not to go and involved the refrain of “it was thirty years ago, you’re gonna be fine, go memorize the Commandments.”

22. How does your character feel about Nighmore? Have they noticed the recently closed shops yet?

Wendy thinks Nighmore is pretty boring, but she definitely knows the shops in and out in search of entertainment. So she’ll have noticed some are closed. Bit sus!

23. Have you made any aesthetic Pinterest boards/WeHeartIt collections for this character? Or playlists? Anything you would like to share!

THIS is Wendy’s pinterestboard. I hope to post a playlist of songs she listens to soon.

Let me know if you’d like to form a connection or plot. I’ll be throwing up a connections page ASAP.

#bahq:intro #bahq:task1

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silver-wield · 4 years

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An analysis on the Hollow song lyrics? People where debating on what the song is talking about, I read many takes and of course I have my own opinion but I'd like to hear yours now.

I have to admit that I've not listened to the song lol

I'm just not that big into theme songs, to me they're just music that goes with whatever I'm consuming, but I did show the lyrics to some friends of mine for a cold take – no context given.

The conclusion was it's a song about grieving a lost love, so not romantic, more tragic.

I'll let that sink in for a minute...

Ok, for anyone who hasn't heard/seen the lyrics I'll throw those down first, although I did see a hilarious interpretation that left out like a good 75% of the lines and I was like “w-where's the rest?” so that's something else to think about lol

I would be lost, drifting alone Floating up high, time after time And there you'd be, shining brightly Your smiling face, to guide my way Bloody and bruised, brought to my knees When beaten down, when broken up You would appear, reach out to me Heal every wound, and make me whole Was it all a dream? Will I never know? Foolish and blind, to everything Had I realized, had I thought it through Would you be here, in my embrace? Shine bright, once more Guide me, to you Smile bright, once more This time, I will never let you go With your every smile, hiding something more Dark mysteries, lurking beneath But I was consumed, with this emptiness This selfishness, this void to fill Hear me, once more Show me your smile This time for sure I'll see the truth hidden inside your tears But I, I know That you're long gone But I, I will Go on, howling and hollow To never know.

Damn, there's a lot to unpack here. I'm gonna preface with poetry isn't my strong suit, but let's give this a go!

Ok, this is split into four lines a piece, which breaks the story of the lyrics down into bite sized chunks and builds and overall picture. I know for a fact that Nobuo (our lovely, talented magician of a composer) has said that this song has several meanings, including some hidden ones.

The obvious ones are it's about couples and I'll get to that in a minute (tbf it's played out; we know one interpretation is Zerith, one is Clerith and one is Cloti, no matter how much certain ppl like to argue otherwise).

More interesting to me is a hidden meaning this is the planet and Aerith.

The planet is a child in the dark and Aerith is the light that protects it. That's paraphrased from OG script so don't even try it with me and if you do I'll haul my ass off to find the actual lines that says the planet is a child crying in the dark. She summons holy and saves it from the darkness that Sephiroth threatens it with. The planet is injured because of Sephiroth – scraped knees is a typical metaphor with children. It's just one of those tropes don't @ me.

Since this is Remake, we could consider that the actions of OG are undone. Aerith is alive – for now – and the planet is possibly regretting how it went about bringing her to it. This could be a hint that goes towards the devs statements that Remake will hit OG notes, but in different ways.

The song goes on to imply that this time Aerith will die the right way and that it'll be a complete ending for her, instead of all this “Aerith lives” wailing that we've put up with for years. The lament at the end is saying that this time Aerith will rest. That she can rest and the world will continue on without her and that all the unknown events of her life that were lost will remain that way.

Maybe yall disagree or think I'm shitting with you, but I'm looking at these lyrics cold because I ignore theme songs and since I'm already aware of the huge debate I was gonna break it down by character and start with Aerith – ykno, pick out which lines are hers and which aren't – just like everyone else has, but then my perspective shifted because people aren't the only one important to Aerith and we've had hints through Remake about the planet having a will of its own, so what if that will is the one referenced here? There's more to a theme song than romance and this is the theme song of the game. It's not just a ship song.

There's two points in the game that we hear the instrumental for this song. One is during the slide scene in sector 6 between Cloud and Aerith – where she goes on at length about her dead boyfriend and the mood is low and sad.

The other is after the plate fall and it plays while Barret, Tifa and Cloud are looking at the devastation.

Idky anybody thought this song was romantic from either of these events. This is tragic. I sure af wouldn't want this playing while I slow danced with someone lol

But that's probably not what anyone wants to hear and I should just pick out which line fits which ship right? Or should I say that there's no evidence for one or more for another? Knowing Nobuo, I bet he crafted this song to be perfectly balanced, with tons of nuance and metaphor because he is a master of his craft and I think the only thing anyone will get trying to pigeon-hole each line to fit their narrative is a headache.

It didn't feel right to make my analysis so limited. This is a great sweeping overarching song that encompasses the entire game, which is more than the hour or so of combined shipping moments.

#Final fantasy 7 remake spoilers #final fantasy 7 remake analysis #hollow lyrics #Sorry if this isn't what anyone expected

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scarletwelly-boots · 4 years

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Books Read 2019

It’s time again for my annual books read post (a little earlier than usual, but I couldn’t wait). I read 24 books in 2019, 4 books more than last year, though two are in progress and I expect to finish them by the new year.

It is year four of the reading challenge from Popsugar. There were 48 categories this year, so I got 50% again. Unlike last year, I did not change any categories, but I may have taken liberties with some again, we’ll see. So, without further ado, let’s begin the list. [Under the cut]

1. How to Train Your Dragon, by Cressida Cowell (A book becoming a movie in 2019). Okay, so there have already been two movies in this series, but the last one (*sob*) came out this year, so it counts. I read this book and a few of the others in the series a few years ago, but revisited the first one this year. It’s really good, but don’t go into it expecting it to be like the movies. The character names are the same, but that’s about it. If you can get your hands on the audiobook version, it’s read by David Tennant, which is excellent. Definitely recommend; it’s just as good as the movies.

2. Little House in the Big Woods, by Laura Ingalls Wilder (A book that makes you nostalgic). This is another reread. My dad read the whole series aloud to my sister and I when we were barely older than Laura is in the first book. It was the series he read before the Harry Potter books came out, and we both got sucked into that series. So yeah, very nostalgic. This is a series of semi-autobiographical stories chronicling Wilder’s pioneer childhood, and this is the first in the series. Some of the language doesn’t really age well, but for the most part it’s a delightful book.

3. An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, by Hank Green (a book you think should be turned into a movie). Holy. Shit. I was very, very pleasantly surprised by Hank Green’s debut novel (and yes, John Green is his brother). This is a mysterious book about first encounters and internet fame, with a queer young adult (like, really YA, as in post-college) protagonist. She’s kind of shitty sometimes, but I would argue all twenty-somethings are shitty sometimes (I mean, I literally typed “*sob*” two entries up, like I’m channeling my 2009 self, and I didn’t delete it.). I would highly, highly recommend. And apparently, SOMEDAY, there’s supposed to be a sequel, thank GOD.

4. Loki: Agent of Asgard, by Jason Ewing (a reread of a favorite book). I could actually get away with a reread for this one! I love this graphic novel series. I love how they depict Loki, how he finally gets a goddamn redemption arc. It’s a really fun read. Check it out.

5. The Beast Within, by Serena Valentino (a book inspired by mythology, legend, or folklore). A companion novel to Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. I don’t really remember much about this book. It was weird. But like, it plays with the timeline and the curse a little bit, where the beast gets cursed but doesn’t become a beast immediately. He slowly transforms as his behavior gets worse and more cruel. Apparently he used to be friends with Gaston, but Gaston forgot about him once he finally transformed. Really weird. If you’re obsessed with this fairytale like I am, give it a shot. If not, it probably won’t be that interesting.

6. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen (a book you see someone reading on TV or in a movie). Another reread. I know it’s a classic, but I seriously just love this book.

7. Howl’s Moving Castle, by Diane Wynne Jones (a book about someone with a superpower). Another reread of a favorite book, what can I say. The movie is my favorite movie, but the book is better.

8. Carry On, by Rainbow Rowell (a book told from multiple character POV’s). Okay, listen. I had to reread this book, because it had been a few years and the sequel came out this year. Think of this as generic brand Harry Potter if Draco was a vampire, was Harry’s roommate, and helplessly in love with Harry. I’m serious, it’s generic brand. But damn if I don’t love it. @JKR, this could be us but Harry had to be the jock that married his high school sweetheart and grew up to be a cop. Definitely read.

9. Franny and Zooey, by JD Salinger (a book with no chapters/unusual chapter headings/unconventionally numbered chapters). My brother got me this book for my birthday. Before this I had only read Catcher in the Rye, which I started out hating when I was fourteen but turned into loving when I was nineteen. Honestly I think this novel is better than that one. I really loved it. Highly recommend. What’s it about? Who the fuck knows? But to quote my brother: “At its core, I think this book is about a smart brother and a smart sister. I think we can relate.” So read it and buy it for the smart brother or sister or sibling in your life.

10. 1916, by Tim Pat Coogan (read a book during the season it is set in). This is an Irish history book about the Easter Rising of 1916 and (what I didn’t know when I started reading it in April) everything that came after that can trace its cause back to the rebellion, all the way to the centennial of the Rising. The Easter Rising was the catalyst of Irish freedom. It was like the Boston Tea Party of Ireland, rather than the Battle of Yorktown (as in it kickstarted the War for Independence but didn’t immediately result in freedom), that is, if the instigators of the Boston Tea Party were rounded up, imprisoned in Kilmainham Gaol, and a week later almost all executed by firing squad. It’s a tedious read if you’re not into Irish history or history in general, but I enjoyed it.

11. Loki: Where Mischief Lies, by Mackenzi Lee (a book set in space). Okay, technically it takes place on Asgard and Earth, but those are planets, and planets are in space, so it counts! I’m still reading it, but I really like it so far. (Honestly I maybe just like the idea of Loki in knee high black boots marketed towards women and black nails. I never promised not to be gay.)

12. Norse Mythology, by Neil Gaiman (a book set in Scandinavia). I’m sorry! I read this book every year. Neil Gaiman is an amazing writer, and we all know I’m gay as shit for some good Loki tales.

13. Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer (a book that takes place in a single day). Okay, I know people love this fantasy series, and since it’s Irish I fully expected to, too. But I didn’t like any of the characters enough to read the rest of the series, least of all Artemis himself. I struggle to enjoy stories if I don’t like the main character, and Artemis was kind of a shit. Sorry, I did not like this one.

14. Skulduggery Pleasant, by Derek Landy (a debut novel). I just started this one, too, but I really like it already. I think the audiobook is read by the same guy that read Artemis Fowl, but already this is way better than that one. The characters are likable, for one (god, the bar is so low for fantasy books for me right now). It’s a mystery and a fantasy, and the main-ish character is literally an anthropomorphic skeleton detective. It’s excellent. I’m going to read the whole series. (I have to; my mom accidentally got me the 12th installment for my birthday.)

15. Red, White, and Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston (a book that’s published in 2019). I read this twice. It’s so beautiful. I really expected it to be a shitty YA novel, but it wasn’t! It was very romantic (once they stopped “hating” each other), and gay. The premise sounds far-fetched: First Son of the United States falls for the Crown Prince of England. But, guys, it’s soooo gooooood. Highly, highly, highly recommend.

16. The Wisconsin Road Guide to Mysterious Creatures, by Chad Lewis (a book featuring an extinct or imaginary creature). I mean, you can make your own decision whether these cryptids are real or imaginary. This is a travel guide to cryptids in Wisconsin, which I got on vacation earlier this year. I liked it, but reading a road guide for pleasure is admittedly kind of weird. Recommend if you’re planning a road trip through Wisconsin and want to stop at some cryptid, ghostly, or Nessie-like hotspots. Or if you just want to fuck Mothman, like me. (Dustybae’s not in this particular travel book though.)

17. Take Me With You, by Andrea Gibson (a book recommended by a celebrity you admire). Okay, so it was by a celeb I admire, not recommended by. This is a very quick read, of quotes from Gibson’s poetry. They are a queer spoken word poet with some really good pieces. They’re on spotify and apple music, probably among other sources. Recommend their work, but the book is very short, so maybe only purchase if you enjoy their work.

18. This is How it Always Is, by Laurie Frankel (a book about a family). This book was really, really good. It was passed around the aunts in my family until it got to my mom and I, which was really kind of a magical thing. It’s about a family navigating the challenges and gifts of raising a trans child. I cried a couple times, and it was so good. It’s written by a parent of a trans child, so it came from a place of understanding, and it was interesting to read this type of narrative from a parent’s perspective, when usually being genderfluid myself, I tend to consume media that is from the perspective of trans characters themselves. I had some very interesting conversations with my aunts and mom about it, and I really think this book changed my family a little bit, and I didn’t expect it to change me, too. Highly recommend.

19. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, by Suzanne Clark (a book that includes a wedding). So the wedding is at the very beginning, and sadly not between Strange and Norrell. But it’s really good. Lots of magic, lots of regency-era Britishness. The book is huge, but there is a miniseries on Netflix based on the novel and that’s really good too. Highly recommend, and still in love with my man John Childermass. Hnng.

20. Wayward Son, by Rainbow Rowell (a book by an author whose first and last names start with the same letter). Sequel to Carry On. Sheer madness. I loved it. Think of it as generic brand Harry Potter post-DH, if Harry sprouted dragon wings during the final battle, is gay as shit for Draco, and a year later Harry, Draco, and Hermione are set loose on America with .5 seconds of research, severe culture shock, one cell phone between them, and a half-assed plan to rescue Ginny who may or may not want to be rescued. Shit show, but well done and I’m fully invested and ready for the third installment.

21. Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman (a book with a two-word title). I’m sorry, I need to shift to caps for this. GUYS I FUCKING LOVE THIS STORY YOU HAVE NO IDEA IT IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS EVER COME INTO MY WORLD! I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE WATCHED THE AMAZON SERIES THIRTEEN TIMES TO DATE AND IMMEDIATELY DEVOURED THE BOOK IN THREE DAYS. You don’t know what it’s about? Where have you BEEN?! An angel and a demon who are gay as shit for each other and love humanity way more than either of their respective sides. One downside is that as the miniseries came out like twenty years after the novel, my two favorite parts were only written for the series, and are not in the novel. But the book is still very, very good. 15/10.

22. Dumplin’, by Julie Murphy (a book revolving around a puzzle or game). I took game to mean competition, so this is about a beauty competition. I watched the Netflix movie first. I honesty thought I was not gonna like it, but holy shit it was amazing. Admittedly I think the movie was better (despite having Jennifer Aniston in it), but the book was really good, too. Recommend.

23. The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde (your favorite prompt from a past Popsugar reading challenge; a book with a queer protagonist). God, please read this book. This has been up there in my list of favorite books since I was fourteen. Oscar Wilde is a master storyteller, and Dorian Gray is intriguing and despicable and beautiful. I’ve already read this, but I love it too much not to.

24. Terrible Queer Creatures, by Brian Lacey (a book set in an abbey, cloister, monastery, vicarage, or convent). Okay, so it’s not set there for the whole book, but gay monks and nuns are things. This was another birthday present, and an absolute hit. Combining two of my favorite things: Irish history and queer history. I had no idea a book like this existed. I’m still really excited about it. The only issue I have is that most of the one chapter dedicated to gay women involve biographies of people that were actually probably trans men, like Dr. Barry. They could have probably had a separate chapter and then a chapter of the clear lesbians and bisexual women (including trans women, of course). Lumping them in with the women in a chapter specifically dedicated to queer women did not seem particularly inclusive. But overall I really enjoyed the book.

Top Ten Books of 2019 post will be forthcoming.

#books #Book Recommendations #book recs

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charmingpplincardigans · 5 years

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I am NOT going to write Good Omens fic about the Importance Of Poetry. I’m NOT. But I am going to read through Emerson poems and Think Real Hard about it. Like, there are many good bits of many good transcendentalist poems that I can do whatever I want with for these fools, but I keep coming back to these lines from ‘Uriel’, and ESPECIALLY those last two:

Straightway a forgetting wind Stole over the celestial kind, And their lips the secret kept, If in ashes the fire-seed slept. But, now and then, truth-speaking things Shamed the angels' veiling wings;

And because I’m me in my head it’s all glory and the beauty just beyond your fingertips’ reach and learning how to Use Your Words when you’ve historically been bad at it. Something where all Crowley does is ask questions except for when it matters, except for when they might hew too close to personal truth as opposed to Truth, and he doesn’t have words for what he needs but like, Aziraphale’s got a shop FULL OF WORDS just like SITTING THERE not being used! So he gets to using them and sort of pieces together a want like he’s recreating humans from clay, with just as much care and consideration and everything.

And Aziraphale is just like, So Pleased at first because he thinks they have something tangible in common now, like holy shit Crowley is READING I’ve been waiting to talk to someone about this Jim Crace for AGES. Like, you were there dear boy, does this emotional moment seem right to you? I rather think the author has taken liberties. And then when Crowley ACCEPTS IT without arguing (because Crowley is too distracted by what HE’S doing to really pay attention at first) Aziraphale just can’t stop. He’s like, cool, good, take this one next. And this one.

And Crowley’s just like, so chagrined, because he can’t TELL Aziraphale what he’s doing, but the books Aziraphale is giving him are Not Helpful. And at first he doesn’t see the connecting line in them?? Like that first one was about Jesus in the desert, sure, he remembers that. But the next one is about Revenge and a woman coming to terms with the brutality her family faced during a war. And the next one is about a woman who straight up drowns herself and the next one is a collection of essays and articles by a music journalist that are striving to find touch points in a world that’s tilting more and more drastically every day and the next one is a book of rather loose (to him) poetry about how grief leaves fingerprints all over you and THEN, after the Mojgani, is when Aziraphale drops the Emerson on him like the whole street’s worth of bricks and Crowley is like oh. OH. OooOHhH.

Because while Crowley has been dithering about trying to figure out how to piece the words together to simply be like, hey, I...love....you? Love you? I think that’s what it is. Oh god please don’t leave me again. Aziraphale has gone and like, shown Crowley his WHOLE DAMNED EMOTIONAL LIFE very carefully without making it seem like that was what he was doing at all and Crowley is Upset, because like, he can’t return this! He doesn’t know enough about any of this to be able to respond in kind!! THERE ARE NO BOOKS TIED TO HIS LIFE BECAUSE HE HASN’T SPENT IT READING BOOKS.

But he HAS spent it reading Aziraphale. He HAS spent it paying attention to the white space between them and how it doesn’t really exist anymore and god he’s so glad, because empty space makes him nervous like man, anything could come fill it if you aren’t careful. So he just like, does that thing where he accepts Aziraphale’s invitation without actually really acknowledging that’s what he’s doing and he just shows up one day with a modern record player he sets up next to the gramophone (hush angel, the quality of the music output is IMPORTANT) and stacks of records and is like look, I’m probably not going to keep reading, but I know you like sharing that so this is what we’re gonna do.

And he puts on some Very Important To Him bebop and stretches out on the couch to just LISTEN to the poetry instead of having to READ IT WITH HIS EYES LIKE SOME PLEBE and at First Aziraphale sort of curls up near his feet to read, but he finds himself also listening to the words and out of nowhere in the middle of some Hozier song or Screamin’ Jay Hawkins or something he’s just like ‘Yes.’ And Crowley is like ‘wha?’ And Aziraphale is just like ‘yes, I’m staying, you couldn’t get rid of me if you tried now, so good luck with the rest of your life or whatever.’ And man, Crowley doesn’t have the words to argue that, so he doesn’t.

#good omens #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #don't mind me #just projecting my issues onto the characters as god intended #man wait until i come up with a reason #for crowley to spend his time in like art salons through history

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flvshlights · 5 years

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courtney eaton. 24. genderfluid. they & them. the front bottoms. | i can’t believe i just saw LUCINDA “LUKE” ARCHULETTA walking out of cadence records. they’re the GUITAR & LEAD VOCAL from the INDIE ROCK group WE TRIED USING A BAND NAME GENERATOR who have been in the industry for SIX YEARS. the tabloids love to focus on their ALOOF nature , but they’re also pretty HONEST and they seem to give off a vibe that reminds people of TYING FLANNELS AROUND YOUR WAIST, NEVER BEING WARM ENOUGH, PLAYING AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR IN A SHARP TUXEDO, CLAIMING YOU DON’T SMOKE MARIJUANA WHEN YOU DO, THE COMFORT AT THE BOTTOM OF A SWIMMING POOL.

she started talking backwards , but nothing good it brings her. so the next time that she sees him, it’ll be peace sign + middle finger. to listen as you read.

listen i always say i’ll stick with one muse and that never happens so i’ll just skip the part here where i berate myself for being weAK and instead introduce u to lukey-pookie here !! they’re a very new muse ( while also combining some essences of other muses of mine ) since normally i pick from a premade roster of my own ocs and normally use courtney for a... very different character but 1.) i’m gay and 2.) i love the front bottoms so HERE WE GO !

tws : depression, divorce, arrest, drug usage / overdose

HISTORY

So Luke was born to a regular working class family in Wilmington, Delaware - they have some relation with the famous DuPont family that built their name there, but don’t have anything to show for it since a few generations ago Luke’s great grandmother cut off the rest of her family and now they don’t speak. So Archuletta it is.

Their mom worked a typical 9-5 job and their dad was an aspiring painter - but he was always... sick. Not sick in the physical sense, no - sick in the fact he never was himself. Sick in way that Luke always thought he was so tired and sad and nothing could ever cheer him up, and they rarely spent much time with him due to his tendencies to keep to himself. So that led to an early divorce between him and Luke’s mother when they were about six years old.

So Luke’s life was relatively normal. Maybe even too normal for them. And they’d try and put themselves out there - even joining musical theatre in attempts to try and find “their group.” Musical theatre was where they’d meet Krista.

A beautiful girl who had a passion for Broadway, booze, and marijuana - she’d become Luke’s greatest friend, and even taking Luke to meet their friends she hung out with regularly after class. But they weren’t the kids you’d want to bring home to hang out with in your parents’ house. No, in fact - they were the opposite.

Bad things, those friends did - well - bad ( or rather, illegal ) things, and Luke followed along. Such as smoking pot and getting caught for it, spraypainting and defiling public areas, maybe getting into a fight or two. In an effort to fit in, Luke would do the same - but they faced the consequences they’d never thought - considering those kids seemed invincible. Untouchable.

Setting off fireworks from the roof of an abandoned building it a bad idea. Getting arrested the cops is an even worse idea. Your friends running off before they can get caught, leaving you alone to wait for your mom to pick you up... The worst idea.

Nobody came to check on them after that.

Not even Krista.

But the next day, Luke hung out with them like nothing was wrong, following that crowd still - and it’d only reach a breaking point when they were sixteen and had to call the ambulance since Luke found Krista in the bathroom of a party unconscious due to overdose. And thank god she survived -

And there they were again, without many friends since Krista was seemingly the only person who even came close to genuinely liking them and everyone else, they barely knew anything about. And Luke would grow, finishing high school and clinging to the only other friend they had since childhood - being convinced to write out their issues since by NOW, Luke maybe turned out a bit more cynical than they used to be.

Writings of prose and poetry turned to translating that to music - and that would be the beginning of their new life: We Tried Using A Band Name Generator.

ABOUT ‘WE TRIED’:

‘We Tried Using A Band Name Generator’ - or more conveniently just referred to as ‘We Tried’ is probably Luke’s pride and joy. It was their friend’s idea for them to originally write out how they felt - and they mutually came up with the decision to try and write songs out of that.

A small band from Wilmington didn’t seem like it was going to get notice, and it took a little while, sure - it started with an EP titled Slow Dance to Soft Rock ( 2013 ) that made Cadence turn their way. Since the indie community definitely liked the acoustic sounds paired with raw, blunt, honest emotions pushed out in songs like The Beers and Swimming Pool. And that was when they got signed.

The first album they’d release would be six months later - self-tilted, We Tried Using A Band Name Generator. They didn’t have too much of a following at the time, but they were making good momentum enough to convince them to keep going.

Things were going so well, in fact, that during touring, Luke & their best friend / drummer actually attempted dating since - there had to be a reason they worked so well together. There had to be SOME feelings. But a million arguments later and stressful tours, overall mentally testing experiences, pushing out an EP called Rose which was as amazing as it was tacing to complete... they couldn’t do it. It was thought that when their best friend left the group in early 2016, it was thought that everyone’s new favorite indie rock group was done for.

And... Luke couldn’t let that happen. It was selfish, too, in the sense that We Tried was their biggest method of release and comfort. So instead of just giving up, they got off from tour and IMMEDIATELY hit the studio for recording and song-writing.

The product of a few months of straight work would result in their 2016 album , Talon of the Hawk - all songs pulling experiences from the split between them and their drummer to their experiences with Krista in high school.

Au Revoir/Adios was 100% written the day after their ex-drummer left.

Another year of touring and thankfully, four more members joined the group - producing the EP Needy When I’m Needy as a sneak peak of what was new to come. A few months later , a surprise album called Back on Top would come out.

The next three years would work well - with the band releasing another EP titled Ann and the inklings sprinkled of the next album - Going Grey.

SO IN CASE THAT WAS TOO COMPLEX BC I RAMBLE... again, general timeline:

February 2013: Release of Slow Dance to Soft Rock

March 2013: We Tried is signed to Cadence

August 2014: Release of Self-Titled.

September 2014: Both members of We Tried start dating.

July 2015: Release of Rose.

December 2015: Nearing the end of touring, We Tried’s drummer quits and the pair breaks up. Touring officially ends later that month.

January 2016: Luke Archuletta announces they’ll be taking time to focus on a brand new album.

August 2016: Release of the rushed but extremely well-received Talon of the Hawk.

July 2017: We Tried introduces four new members.

October 2017: Release of Needy When I’m Needy.

March 2018: Release of the surprise album Back on Top.

January 2019: Release of the EP Ann, paired with the announcement production of the next album will begin soon.

March: Two songs - Peace Sign & You Used to Say (Holy Fuck) are released to tease Going Grey.

July 2018: Release of Going Grey.

SO YOU CAN SORT OF TELL THE TIMELINE IS SPEEDY - because that’s a big part of how Luke sort of... overworks themselves and hyperfocuses on their music. Especially since ever since their first drummer left, they haven’t let go of the idea they can only rely on themselves.

BUT MORE ABOUT THE BAND - We Tried’s aesthetic is sort of The Front Bottoms mixed with the Young Veins - Luke’s especially fond of showing up in suits, vests, etc. despite the normally blunt & uncouth content of the songs.

There is literally always something being made. Luke can’t sleep without having something in the works.

And... yeah that’s it honestly it’s rly just TFB but with a TWIST!

ABOUT LUKE

5′10, genderfluid bisexual bby who honestly just wants a nap

SOOOO yes, Luke’s a very chill individual but chill in the sense that... they just. Don’t care. Except when it comes to their work - then they work the hardest they can on that shit and have to pay attention to every little detail.

They’re still not actually sure if they have any talent - musical theater never seemed to work out, so why is a band doing that??

But they do have one thing down pat - directing. All of We Tried’s videos have so far been directed by Luke, save for a few.

This comes from Luke’s longtime adoration of film and cinema, from the perspective of an observer and a director.

They DO have a tendency to be a little... clingy and aloof at the same time. They’re always worried about being in the position of trying to keep a band of only one person alive again but also they don’t really notice they can other people to do things for them now.

They’re independent to a fault, in that case.

And also now finally getting a hang of not falling into peer pressure since it’s just made them cynical and aloof from people now.

They’re v grateful for their bandmates tho!! Don’t get me wrong, they love them!

Luke’s more of someone who communicates their appreciation through gestures and actions than words - setting a blanket on you while you sleep, getting new drumsticks if you broke yours, making coffee in the morning when you’ve forgotten. That kind of stuff.

They don’t get a lot of sleep for the sole reason they sort of have tendencies to keep themselves awake just... thinking. Luke thinks a lot. Luke’s actually wack-levels of intelligent, and it does show in their music save for when they’re making odd comments and obscure references.

Luke talks about tattoos a lot, but they’re actually barren since they’re afraid of needles.

They also don’t drink, but they do smoke marijuana. But they’ll never admit to it - ...like TFB even though they have a MILLION songs that mention recreational use of the drug.

They sort of don’t really know where their purpose is, still - and that does lead them into a depression of their own, much like their father. They don’t talk to him and their mother that much nowadays - considering, the dream was always that Luke be a lawyer or a doctor and not the crass musician that they are.

They’re lowkey a fucking comedian but in the dry, deadpan humor sense. Most of their interviews consist of them making some joke that either takes a little while for the interviewer to get or one that makes the room silent for a quick minute. Or, even worse, they’re taken seriously.

Despite this aloofness, though, they actually thrive on being around other people. They’re sort of relearning how to accept that, though, since again, they’ve been shelling themselves up in their own work for quite some time.

Also lowkey a bit of a flirt bt u didn’t hear that from me

Rides a motorcycle partially to look cool and also... bc they have the song ‘Motorcycle’ which was about them. Trying to learn how to ride a motorcycle so it just kind of stuck.

They’ve got another talent in dancing, since they took ballet classes throughout middle school to high school - but had to quit after they got arrested. Shame.

Their one dream was to be Ariel in the Broadway production of The Little Mermaid when they were younger since... they also love the sea and Disney Princesses so much secretly, but they’ve sort of given up on that.

Their love for the sea’s also because of where they’re from - Delaware beaches are beautiful and were Luke’s happy place back then.

Most of their loves and interests are sprinkled in their songs, in that case - Delaware scenery, references of Disney films, etc.

They’re a very... complex individual. But god I lOVE them.

WCs

THE DRUMMER. PLS GIVE ME THE DRUMMER. I HAV IT ON THE MAIN... PLS GIVE ME THE OG DRUMMER THAT LEFT AND NOW HAS A SOLO CAREER OR IS IN ANOTHER BAND ELSEWHERE. PLS.

also the current bandmates. that would b. cool.

if ppl from luke’s old squad can show up now w/ their own careers... that would b. cool.

kids who they went to high school with that r surprised where they are now.

enemies in the music scene who don’t like luke or we tried for a multitude of reasons

maybe they think luke’s secretly a conceited dick underneath the ‘distant mysterious songwriter’ schtick

mayBBEEEE they think the nature of we tried’s songs are some sort of keep gimmick to try and cash in on being ‘casual’ and ‘relatable’

maybe they just don’t like the damn band i mean. yeah.

any reason. pls.

hook-ups bc i’ll b honest they are... a bit of a flirt. let luke serenade u w/ shit like “historic cemetery” cowards,

a rebound sort of?? probably very short-lived, but i can see luke wanting to get their mind off from their ex/drummer leaving and falling fast into another relationship - and that wouldn’t work out bc of it.

i’d also lov a plot where maybe sb discovers luke’s talent for dancing bc they do it for recreational purposes semi-often now??

maybe they can attend a class together or smth

or they just do it for fun at luke’s place

idk this cld go anywhere n it’s honestly adorable

ppl that they befriend who they can just. take back to delaware one day.

or even ppl they just hang out with to relive the ‘good ol days’

trips to the beach

buying store bought fireworks n setting them off

going on camping trips n shit

i’d lov a plot where there’s one person who just thinks luke is like... a MYSTERY and they just get closer and closer in attempts to try and figure that mystery out

also 100% open to brainstorming! i’ll actually get 2 interacting tmr bc it’s 2:30 AM nearly here n i want to sleep so yeah! chances are tho if u like this i’ll message u for plotting!! again if u want my discord - hmu @ rocky lynch lovebot / hylia.#0329. :^)

i love the front bottoms so much

#* &. abt / ☆ ❛ ɪᴛ's ɴᴏ ʙɪɢ sᴜʀᴘʀɪsᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴜʀɴᴇᴅ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪs ᴡᴀʏ ❜#cadence.intro #this took forever i'm so sorry #and it's not even GOOD it's so MESSY #if u want a good feel 4 their character too pls just... listen to any of tfb's first three albums on spotify #self-titled - talon of the hawk - back on top. pls.#i'd also say going grey bt admittedly i haven't actually listened to that one that much so! gotta get a better feel 4 it #drug tw #overdose tw #divorce tw #depression tw #arrest tw

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thirstinmore-blog · 5 years

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Best Albums of 2018

BEST ALBUMS 2018

20. Noname: Room 25

19. Jeremih & Ty Dolla $ign: Mih-Ty

18. Tierra Whack: Whack World

17. Parks Burton: Pare

16. Oneohtrix Point Never: Age Of

15. Angelique Kidjo: Remain in Light

14. Shannon Shaw: Shannon in Nashville

13. Curren$y & Freddie Gibbs: Fetti

12. Ariana Grande: Sweetener

11. Vince Staples: FM!

10. DJ Koze: Knock Knock

9. Mariah Carey: Caution

8. Courtney Barnett: Tell Me How You Really Feel

7. The Carters: Everything is Love

6. Snail Mail: Lush

5. Shannon & the Clams: Onion

4. Teyana Taylor: K.T.S.E.

3. Kacey Musgraves: Golden Hour

2. Blood Orange: Negro Swan

1. Dirty Projectors: Lamp Lit Prose

(Spotify playlist)

(Capsule reviews of Top 10 below)

10. DJ Koze: Knock Knock. The music writing trope of “a sounds like b + c” is as lazy as it is played, but sometimes you hear a record and those type of comparisons spring to mind, like when I first heard Saint Pepsi’s Hit Vibes and instantly thought of J Dilla making a disco record. That was also my response to Knock Knock, which sounds like the Avalanches making a more patient update of Since I Left You for 2018 ears. The record is long and lush, and draws from roughly nine billion different aesthetics, but its particular mélange still manages to sound fresh. As with SILY, the album is best experienced as a complete piece of music (though several tracks, such as “Lord Knows” and “Scratch That” would sound great in a mix or DJ set). Knock Knock takes the listener through ambling pathways that wrap around and revisit each other, like an evening stroll through the spacious Joshua Tree National Park depicted on its cover. It’s nearly a two-hour journey, but it’s well worth the price of admission.

9. Mariah Carey: Caution. Mariah got a dirty mouth and I’m here for it. As mother, a twice-divorcée, a woman nearing 50, her work and her image are all her own; if she wants to include the word “fuck” in a bunch of songs on her new album (“GTFO,” “With You,” “The Distance”), then who the fuck are we to tell her no? It’s a refreshing twist from someone whose public persona is often so curated, but I’m burying the lede. The real story here is that Caution is a batch of excellent R&B songs from one of the genre’s all-time greats. It’s not overwrought – by contrast, the album’s sultry blue cover art is indicative of the moods within. The Ty Dolla $ign-featuring “The Distance” is laid extremely deep in the cut, assisted by some subtle production from Poo Bear, Lido and—holy shit, Skrillex? Yup, and like Mariah herself, everyone involved uses an even hand and measured patience to let each song breathe.

A personal highlight for me is “A No No,” which flips the Lil Kim/Lil Cease classic “Crush On You” on its head. Here, where Biggie intones “he’s a slut, he’s a hoe, he’s a freak/got a different girl every day of the week,” there is no irony intended. She gauges her suitors’ intent and responds simply: “that’s a no-no.” In fact, the word “no” accounts for easily half the song’s lyrics, but it’s still a blast on subsequent listens. But don’t get it twisted – highlights abound herein, from aforementioned singles “GTFO” and “The Distance” to the thoughtful, expansive, Dev Hynes-helmed “Giving Me Life,” which begins as a downtempo club hit and morphs into a surrealist dream. Mariah Carey is one of the artists who’s been in my life the longest – I’m so happy she’s still killing it.

8. Courtney Barnett: Tell Me How You Really Feel. Courtney Barnett is what I was raised to believe an indie rock star should be: an unassuming, smart slacker with regular clothes and the ability to unleash earthbound poetry and atmosphere-puncturing solos with equal aplomb. That effortless cool permeates every facet of her work, from her casual half-singing style to her loose but proficient playing, a mighty guitar god in the body of a humble 31-year-old. (That she recorded a collaborative record with renowned cool guy Kurt Vile should surprise no-one.) But what’s really striking about Barnett’s work is her wryly observant lyrics; whether she’s describing the banalities of urban life (“City Looks Pretty”) or eviscerating toxic masculinity (“Nameless, Faceless”), her keen eye and incisive wit pervade every line. Tell Me is the sound of a strong artist getting stronger.

7. The Carters: Everything is Love. I often say that as I get older, my favorite elements of songwriting are editing and restraint. That’s why I tend to hate double albums and love EPs. I just believe that most double albums would be better if distilled down to one really strong record. EPs, on the other hand, leave the listener wanting more. Such is the case with Everything is Love, which reads like a Beyonce trap record with a number of guest verses from Jay. Regardless of speculation on who did the lion’s share of the writing on the record, both are in top form. Bey’s signature vocal virtuosity is on display as ever, but the real delight is in her capable delivery as a rapper. She glides effortlessly through triplets like “Poppin, I’m poppin, my bitches are poppin, we go to the dealer and cop it all.” Big Sean could never. Meanwhile, Jay turns in a few of my favorite bars of the year (and also a very slick Drake diss) on “Boss:”

“You not a boss, you got a boss. N*ggas gettin’ jerked, that shit hurts, I take it personaly. N*ggas’d rather work for the man than to work for me. Just so they can pretend they on my level, that shit is irkin’ to me. Pride always goeth before the fall, almost certainly. It’s disturbing what I gross. Survey says: you not even close. Everybody’s bosses till the time to pay for the office, till them invoices separate the men from the boys. Over here we measure success by how many people successful next to you. Here, we say you broke if everybody is broke except for you. BAWSE.”

I don’t know if they intend to release more records as The Carters, but Everything is Love is a fun, successful experiment.

6. Snail Mail: Lush. There’s no reason for a debut LP to be this good. The record, from solo project-turnt-band of 19-year-old Lindsay Jordan is focused, clever, and sophisticated. Every component of these songs appears exactly as it should. Jordan’s songwriting is clean and incisive (“I hope whoever it is holds their breath around you/’cause I know I did,” she sings on album standout “Heat Wave”). The arrangements are smartly simple; seldom do they deviate from the four-person rock lineup, so the embellishments that are included (the French horn on “Deep Sea,” the layered keys on “Speaking Terms”) really leap out. The playing throughout is lovely, with Jordan’s beautiful guitar technique front and center (the finger-picking on “Let’s Find an Out” is a particular delight). Everything in its right place – only where Radiohead’s inward gaze can be mopey and self-indulgent, the core strength of Lush is its efficiency. There’s no filler here – just the exact amount of support that each piece requires. The drumming feels especially strong in this regard – there’s an economic directness in Ray Brown’s playing that prioritizes the backbeat over everything, including his ego. The fills that he does include are modest and workmanlike.

It’s right that the record would be released by Matador, because these songs are drenched in the influences of the 90s slacker rock of Yo La Tengo, Sonic Youth, Sleater-Kinney and Sebadoh. And as with each of those bands, Snail Mail’s songs are buoyed by excellent lyrics. Jordan doesn’t just sound wise beyond her years, she actually seems to have lived more in her 19 years than many folks twice her age. There’s a subtext of sobriety in some of the songs (“It just feels like the same party every weekend, doesn’t it?” on “Pristine,” or “I’m so tired of moving on/spending every weekend so far gone” on “Heat Wave”). Perhaps the self-reflection that’s required in recovery has helped to distill her worldview.

And look, I don’t mean to be patronizing here – this album would be a major achievement from any person of any age. But to hear an artistic vision this crystal clear and laser-focused from a 19-year-old is something truly special. I can’t wait to hear what she does next.

5. Shannon & the Clams: Onion. Upon first listen, Onion struck me as the best record the Clams have released to date. Now, admittedly, I’m a sucker for keyboards, and the inclusion of organist Will Sprott is pure Patrick-bait. But beyond my own tastes, the organ both fills out and anchors the Clams’ garage doo-wop sound. There’s a welcome succinctness to Onion: the songwriting is tight, the guitar playing is melodic and utilitarian, and the vocal performances from both Cody and Shannon are more technically refined than in any of their previous outings. One wonders if Shannon’s work on her own solo album (the very good, Dan Auerbach-produced Shannon in Nashville, which also came out this year) pushed her to improve her technique. And don’t get it fucked up – this is still a Clams record. It’s still shaggy and loud and rambunctious – but they’ve worked hard to reign in their wildest tendencies. Some might say that it’s layered, just like-- *an oversized cane hooks around my throat and drags me offstage* ….Well…..let’s just say it’s good.

4. Teyana Taylor: KTSE. Of all the seven-song mini-albums Kanye produced in Wyoming this year, KTSE is both the best and the least talked-about. She arrives seemingly out of the blue, a fully-formed artist who knows her strengths exactly. She has bars when she feels like spitting them, a beautiful husky alto when she feels like crooning, and a profound connection to multiple styles of club music that’s borne of her history as a dancer. It’s become a bit trendy to nod to vogue & ballroom culture in the last few years, but while Drake’s Big Freedia feature on “Nice for What” feels a little forced, Taylor can walk it like she talks it. A dancer by trade, her comfort in the ballroom is palpable.

Ye keeps it simple, remaining comfortably in his wheelhouse and flipping excellent soul samples such as Billy Stewart’s “I Do Love You” (which he repurposes into a nostalgic 4/4 slapper on “Hold On”) and The Stylistics’ “Because I Love You, Girl” (which he expands into a melancholy mediation on the horn section of the original). It’s a welcome return to form.

3. Kacey Musgraves: Golden Hour. In her SNL performance earlier this year, Kacey Musgraves appeared as a flat-ironed, longhair disco queen. As she slayed Golden Hour’s catchy lead single “High Horse,” I was reminded of Dolly Parton. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Dolly’s mid-70s and early-80s catalogue this past year, having purchased vinyl copies of All I Can Do, New Harvest…First Gathering, and Dolly, Dolly, Dolly. Parton is one of those artists whose discographies are so gigantic as to seem practically impenetrable, so I’ve been trying to hear as much as I can. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly is an especially interesting entry: released in 1980, it was her 23rd album, and it represents a pretty clear swing for crossover success. A handful of the tracks are straight-up disco, and these are what Musgraves called to mind. I was thrilled – Dolly’s disco experiments were widely panned, but I think there’s a lot of good there, maybe Golden Hour would be an attempt to vindicate Parton’s vision?

Unfortunately or not, I was incorrect. In total, Golden Hour bears more resemblance to Dolly’s friend & frequent collaborator Emmylou Harris (Kacey’s hair should’ve tipped me off, SMH). It’s a beautiful, understated, and thoughtful set of songs that could fit as well on a folk radio station as a country one. Like Harris, Musgraves has an innate sense of how to let a great song be great, hanging back in both arrangement and vocal performance. She’s emotive when she needs to be (“Rainbow”), and contemplative as needed (“Golden Hour”), always letting her writing breathe. Also, she has the confidence to bury the lead single so deep on Side B that you almost forget it’s there (and are thrilled when it is). As a person who prefers the full album experience to that of a shuffled playlist, this is one of my very favorite tricks.

Quite simply: great songs + great arrangements = a surprising list-topper for me.

2. Blood Orange: Negro Swan. For years, the roles of sexuality and gender in black identity have been foci of Dev Hynes’ work as Blood Orange. He spent time with drag queens and sex workers while writing his debut album Coastal Grooves, and has often cited transgender icon Octavia St. Laurent as one of his primary influences. But while these interests have colored his previous albums, on Negro Swan they’re the bedrock. In a press release preceding the album, Hynes described the album as “an exploration into my own and many types of black depression, an honest look at the corners of black existence, and the ongoing anxieties of queer/people of color. A reach back into childhood and modern traumas, and the things we do to get through it all. The underlying thread through each piece on the album is the idea of hope, and the lights we can try to turn on within ourselves with a hopefully positive outcome of helping others out of their darkness.”

These ideas are fundamental to the songwriting, and they’re reinforced by snippets of conversations with Janet Mock and Kai the Black Angel (who adorns the cover in a durag and angel wings) peppered throughout the album’s 49 minutes. On “Family,” Mock defines community as “the spaces where you don’t have to shrink yourself, where you don’t have to pretend or to perform, you can fully show up and be vulnerable in silence, completely empty, and that’s completely enough.” That search for community, the desire to be seen and loved and supported as your whole self informs each of these beautiful songs. Already a competent producer, Hynes continues to grow, selecting beautiful flourishes like the jangly, perfectly out-of-tune guitar on “Charcoal Baby” or the soft, echoing snare drum on “Dagenham Dream” to characterize the thematic content of each piece. Negro Swan is a powerful and complete work of art. It sounds like he’s finally found some answers to the questions he’s been asking.

1. Dirty Projectors: Lamp Lit Prose. On Lamp Lit Prose, David Longstreth appears to be having more fun making music than he has in years, probably because almost 100% of his band has turned over (kudos to longtime bassist Nat Baldwin, whose playing tethers him to his own beginnings). Beyond the new Projectors themselves, Longstreth spent the months during the writing of the album making new friends in the LA music scene, and bringing them around the studio to record various parts. Members of Haim contribute to album standout “That’s a Lifestyle,” Syd (of The Internet) anchors the refrain in “Right Now,” and Fleet Foxes’ Robin Pecknold and Vampire Weekend alumnus Rostam Batmanglij stack harmonies onto the swirling ballad “You’re The One.”

I see LLP as the second half of a diptych begun by the self-titled Dirty Projectors, released last year. While that record wallowed in the pain of a broken relationship with former Projector Amber Coffman, LLP reveals a healed and newly in love protagonist. Both records feature David Longstreth at his most vocally competent: he’s now able to truly execute the melismatic R&B runs he lovingly wrote and charmingly attempted in his earliest work, his diaphragm now supports his every leap and bound, and his croon is sweeter than ever before. But furthermore, both albums expand on ideas that have popped up throughout his illustrious and impressive body of work. Whether he’s reviving the Rise Above era blasts of noisy guitars on “Zombie Conqueror” or revisiting the orchestral ambitions of The Getty Address on the stunningly soulful “I Wanna Feel It All,” Longstreth sounds like a worker with a complete toolbox and a detailed blueprint. He’s been working at honing his craft for years.

I saw the Projectors in June, at a time when only “Break-Thru” and “That’s a Lifestyle” had leaked. I didn’t know what to expect, being among the seemingly small minority of fans who liked their previous record. But their set was staggering. Flanked by his group of mostly-new faces, Longstreth was bouncing all over the place, proudly showcasing each instrumentalist & vocalist (seemingly everyone had at least one moment in the spotlight), visibly excited about playing with this group of people. And that makes sense: LLP is Longstreth relishing the fundamental glee of musical collaboration. The joy is positively bubbling over in tracks like “Right Now,” “I Feel Energy,” and “I Found it in You.” To see him play these songs live is to wonder if he’s talking about the act of musicmaking itself when he sings: “Ask now, I’m in love for the first time ever.”

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