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hopelesslyromanticshark · 1 month

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hi, idk if request are open but if they are can you please write a percy x reader fanfic where they hate each other but one thing leads to another and it gets kinda steamy

⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚ Enemies To Fuckers

content: percy jackson x reader fic warning: language, mentions of sexual stuff but nothing extremely explicit, arguments but making up (ish) author's note: okay hot ass take rn - like center of the earth hot or leo valdez hot - i can't stand enemies to lovers. IM SORRY I KNOW ITS A BIG THING BUT THE CHILD OF DIVORCE THAT I AM CANNOT STAND IT!! like, no, i refuse to let my love be hard and painful like my parents, even if it does come from a good place. i just can't picture hate turning into love, even if it wasn't ever hate in the first place. that's what it was displayed as and the thought makes me want to throw up- ANYWAYS IGNORE THAT TRAUAMA DUMP FRFR ENJOY THIS OKAY BYE BYE

"you're insufferable!"

"feelings mutual, jackson!"

"rot in tartarus!"

"if it means getting away from you, gladly!"

"okay, okay, break it up," jason huffed, shoving his way between the two and pushing them apart. he glared at each of them before pointing off to separate sides of the argo ii.

"i don't want to see you two near each other for the next hour."

"she started it," percy whined, pointing accusatorily at her.

"did not!" the girl insisted, glaring at the son of poseidon.

"did too!"

"did no-"

"STOP! gods, you're giving me a headache. you two need to start getting along...go!" he shooed, shoving percy one way and you the other. the two of you held each other's glare for as long as possible before getting cut off by the walls that stood between the two of you. y/n rolled her eyes as she lost percy, making her way towards the kitchen. she breathed out a small breath as she started grabbing all the things she needed to make a cup of tea. y/n wasn't a naturally angry person but something about the blasted percy jackson just had her seething. everything from his dumb soft-looking hair, to his stupid stunning green-blue eyes, to his foolishly handsome face- wait, what?

she quickly shook her head, physically trying to get rid of the thoughts. she placed the kettle on the burner, sitting for the water to boil, leaning back against the counter next to the stove. then she heard footsteps and percy walked into the kitchen before huffing out a breath.

"i was here first. get lost, sea boy," you bit out, rolling your eyes as she continued to move into the kitchen.

"don't worry. i'm not here to see you. just grabbing some snacks and then you can be bitchy in here by yourself," percy mocked, throwing a fake salute your way, before reaching for whatever snacks he wanted.

"gods, do you ever shut the fuck up?" you asked, with a mock pitchy voice. percy pulled a face, mocking you under his breath with a roll of his eyes. you sighed heavily, reaching towards the kettle and going to pour it into your mug, at the same time looking away to glare at percy.

"do you realize that you're, like, a massive cun-"

"wait, its-"

"shit! ow, fuck!" you hissed, instantly pulling your hand back from the boiling water that you managed to pour all over your hand. tears instantly pooled in your eyes and had anyone else been in the kitchen with you, you'd be a puddle on the floor. but this was percy. who, strangely enough, was quickly taking care of the boiling water and kettle before gently grasping your hand in his to inspect. you tried to blame the blush filling your cheeks on embarrassment or rage, but you knew what it was.

"next time you wanna call me names, don't do it while pouring boiling water," hissed percy, reaching under the sink and producing a first aid kit. he easily wrapped your hand and you couldn't seem to take your eyes off his focused but worried face. worried...about you. the boy, who you were certain would serve you on a silver platter to any monster who offered him a penny and pre-chewed gum, was worried about you.

"thank you," you whispered as he finished, pulling your hand back. percy rolled his eyes but it was softer than usual, leaning back against the counter and hanging his head.

"yeah, uh, no problem. can't pick on you if youre hurt. think it counts as ableism or something," he replied, glancing over at you out of the corner of his eye. you nodded slowly, biting on your lip as your gaze drifted off.

"you shouldn't do that."

"hm?"

"your lip," he clarified, nodding with his head, "it- it's bad for you."

"oh yeah?" you taunted, squinting at him as you could sense the lie.

"yup."

"and, totally, not because it gets you all hot and bothered?" you added, tilting your head innocently. percy froze, clearing his throat before glaring over at you.

"no, of course not-"

"your dick is fighting you here," you winked, darting your eyes down before looking back into his eyes. percy burst into a deep shade of red, adjusting his body to hide behind an open cabinet door as you laughed.

"you didn't pay attention in biology then, because it also happens when you are just filled with so much rage-"

"sure, buddy," you teased, taking a few steps forwards before taking his chin into your hand, gently turning it before pressing a kiss just to the corner of his lips. a shuttering breath left his lips, fanning across your cheek.

"you're cute when you're not calling me a bitch," you mused, softly glancing up at him. percy breathed out a laugh, his eyes locked on yours.

"took you long enough to catch on," he taunted, unable to look away from the girl who's affection he's been trying to win for weeks.

"hmm, wanna make up for lost time?" she offered, tugging a small part of her lip into her mouth with her teeth. percy groaned, shooting his hand forwards and roughly pulling her face to smash into his, lips clashing and fighting for dominance. you two were tugging at each other, all the pent up anger melting away into a pure drive to keep each other's hands on the other.

as percy's hand slide under your shirt and as your hips brushed against his, the door to the kitchen swung open, to reveal a fuming jason grace.

"when i said you needed to start getting along, this is not what i meant. people eat here, you know."

#postcards from covey ౨ৎ #all my love ౨ৎ #pjo #pjo fandom #hoo #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #percy jackson x reader

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anyshapebutsquare · 4 months

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Frfr how do people decide if they want children? As I’m entering my late thirties I feel this need to decide FOR SURE. I always thought no I don’t want kids, but now that my expiration date is near, I feel like I really need to know for sure. It doesn’t look fun at all having kids. You’re tired all the time, they cry and are annoying, not to mention they ruin most women’s bodies. They’re expensive. You barely have any alone time. Most people give up any hobbies they had pre-children. It puts a lot of strain on your marriage. And then if it’s too much strain you get divorced and then you’re a single parent which I lit’rally don’t know how they do it! Then there’s the whole worrying about the type of world I’m bringing them into. Global warming, economic issues, gun violence, food insecurity/quality. Most children have cell phones by like 8 years old now which is INSANE to me that parents collectively decided that was okay. I’d have to work a lot longer if we did have a kid too. But I feel like the only upsides are that like you get to watch this human grow up and help them become a good person (hopefully, although this can backfire no matter what you do!) and get a lot of love. But like is it *really* worth it?

#love but at what cost

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amazzwon · 1 month

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BABYGIRLLLL

Mami misses you 🥺🥺🥺 and desires you in a non child friendly way

How is life going on darling?

AHHHH MAMIIII I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU also in a non-child friendly way

its fine for now tbh... still got my exams fucking hate my life and i wanna just store away in my room it has enough room for two btw

ALSO my mom gave me the most gorgeous bday gift!! a gold necklace!!!my parents got divorced last year and since then she has been struggling with finances ... but she recently visited the bank to get her mangalsutra out and re-melted it to give me the necklace!!!

❤️❤️❤️❤️

IT'S MY GOOD LUCK CHARM FRFR

#a.d blahblah #꒰ ♡ ꒱ mami mona

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sotogalmo · 2 months

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JUST WANNA SAY HI!! FELLOW MRS SCHMIDT FAN??? WE ARE SO RARE AROUND THESE PARTS… /J BUT SERIOUSLY I LOVE YOUR BLOG SM!! THANK YOU FOR LIKE. ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT HER I LOVE MAKING HER A VERY FUCKED UP INDIVIDUAL DESPITE THE FACT WE KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT HER OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT SHE UH *checks notes* WAS MARRIED TO A GUY AND SHE HAD THREE KIDS! HOLDING YOUR HAND LET US MAKE MRS SCHMIDT A FUCKED UP INDIVIDUAL TOGETHER <33333

MRS SCHMIDT IS. SOSO INTERESTING. HEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHHHEHEHEHHEHEHEHUEHEISHDIBSJFBDJDBISBDHHDDHDUHSIDHDJD

I love fucked up families, especially if they just mention one or two(Mrs Schmidt & Mr Schmidt... You fucked up beings.. they might've been good people but since losing Garrett? Bad parents. Good people, bad parents).

Being a Garrett fan makes me talk so much about how he affects everyone(intentionally & unintentionally). The start of it all, affecting a good mother(maybe she was a good mom, but then she was kicked down so many times, fell into some depression like state(or maybe it was!! a depression state/depressive time for her)... Ough). AND SO MUCH MORE. OUGH

that's why they get the tag of like "the Schmidts make me ill"

maybe it's cuz I see myself in like. Mike (had to take care of babies <- animal ones) & Abby(whoa!! Shout out to the neglected time period in my life!!), that in some ways I can see my mom in Mrs Schmidt?? Or like. Someone I know in Mrs Schmidt's place(& not my mom, but!! That could make sense... The first time I remember her, was on where. Like, she would go to work, come back, eat & sleep. She would do it repeatedly. And that's all I've known(via memory wise.. got a foggy head). She would just do that, & sleep. But that was just her when she was done with her divorce,, so that was years ago?? It was a long time ago tho).

↑ OOPSIE (didn't mean to bust out the lore)

ISHSJDISHDKJDJDOSJSSKOSKSKDJJDJJSJDJNDJDJESJJFJDNJDNSNBSHDSIBFJD

^ us frfr

#jasminetea1234 #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #fnaf movie #mrs schmidt #garrett schmidt #the schmidts make me ill #<- THATS THE TAG!! you'll find so much fucked up family .....#mr Schmidt is... a better version of my biological 'father' tho. if i were ro continue seeing my family in the Schmidts...#Mr Schmidt IS SO MUCH BETTER THEN HIM.... ough. i never rlly had a father while mike did & stuff

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rouecentric · 1 year

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I have this AU that I unconsciously made when I was new to the TWST Fandom and if you want, you can share/expand on this.

So back then I always thought Jamil and Kalim were brothers due to the similar names they have one letter difference and two letters switched places. I used to wonder why they have different last names and thought maybe they are half brothers or brothers with divorced parents. Even though I learnt the truth this brainrot stuck with me and now I came up with a backstory!

So Jamil is an unwanted illegitimate child made due to her grandfather's [from mother side] schemes of getting in the Al-Asim inner circle.

His mother is a maid who wholeheartedly serves and loves the family and seeing the product of a drugged scheme of her father that it forced her to go off the radar since she doesn't want to ruin her masters' lives.

Somehow, the Al-Asims found her and learnt the whole story, to which they paid great sympathy since the maid was also unwilling. They got the father and all included in the scheme arrested while cleansing the maid's name, allowing her to start a new name and job as the Lady Al-Asim's servant.

While Jamil was given an opportunity to become a part of the Al-Asims, the maid decides not and asked if Jamil could be a servant of Kalim instead which was fulfilled. Jamil was aware of his actual relations to Kalim but kept the atmosphere that of a master/servant than a brother/brother. However he did always feel a familial tug when Kalim tried to befriend him.

I don't know much details of Jamil's overblot, but imagine Kalim getting poisoned and Jamil's rage over it, saying some in the lines of "you dare harm my brother" or something. And Kalim being conscious enough to hear all of it, maybe he gets to be the one snapping Jamil into reality and vice versa.

Cue Post-Overblot Jalim being awkward over Kamil and Kamil being ecstatic on his best friend and servant being his half biological brother.

Pls expand this

I genuinely like this au,, servant to best friend to half brother frfr

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commaclear · 2 years

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Chapter 13 had my brain rotting frfr. When Quackity asked Wilbur if he knew one of the happiest days of his life and it wasn’t his wedding plus the new info that Karl is a child of a bad divorce my head just started smashing keys on its own.

Was Quackity’s wedding really one that was that big special day that every little kid dreams of or was it a sloppy, messy, iffy situation.

I’ll be honest, kids from nasty divorces have a lot of intimacy issues when it comes to trusting and communicating. I can already imagine there was stress from both of his parents because his dad made relationships seem easy to throw away and his mom probably made him feel like if this didn’t go better than her marriage, he was just gonna be following his father’s footsteps.

Then there’s Quackity who was probably trying his best to go with the flow. Ain’t no way he’d ever been to a proper wedding. He probably had little to no understanding of how marriage worked in the first place. If he did, it was probably negative or not accurate. Not to mention the pressure of being what feels like your partners’ charity case. He had no family to invite or have dinner with to discuss the big news, no concept of how to plan that shit, no idea of cost, and no siblings to give a assholish speech at the reception about him. I can imagine he was probably stressed enough when he simply found out how much the rings cost.

And poor Sapnap too. We hardly know jack about him, but it’s pretty clear he’s the hot glue and duct tape that’s been holding this five minute crafts version of a relationship together. I bet money Karl was trying to make the wedding a big deal while Quackity was treating it like it was nothing more than a casual event that forced him to use proper silverware placement. Sapnap was probably having to mediate with none of his input on what he wanted. He was probably in charge of all the invites, scheduling, planing, etc. just because Karl was overdoing it and Quackity was trying to minimize everything.

I feel like it would totally be a possibility that there was never a wedding ceremony because it got Quackity and Karl too worked up. Instead they could’ve just decided on going up to the courthouse with their witnesses and taking a short, casual honeymoon. No changes in their dynamic other than the label because it seems that Q and Karl might just keel over if they have to learn what the word “change” and “compromise” mean.

I don't have much to add here, you are just so incredibly accurate anon /gen

I will say that in the end, the wedding ended up very much being Karl's vision. Sapnap managed to convince Quackity to let him have his way in the end cuz he was the one who cared the most about it

#sapnap is definitely the hot glue and duct tape #rip sapanp #anons my beloved #bone to pick

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ohhlookitsthepizza · 9 months

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okay no one asked but here r my random hcs for the marauders in my fic

bc it’s abt my girl marlene i’m not gonna tell you anything frfr but for the record in my fic she is okinawan

mary: ghanaian, her mom is dead and died when she was child but her dad tries very hard to give her a fulfilling life and does his best. she is also rich asf. before her mom died she would do her make up and now mary always does her makeup to keep a peice of her mom with her, she speaks like six different languages

james: mexican n honduran, his mom n marlene’s mom are friends, he has a bajillion little cousins and he’s their fav older cousin. his parents house is The House for all the holidays and n random parties his parents wanna throw

august: ghanaian, this is my oc she is mary’s cousin her mom is mary’s dad’s sister. her dad divorced her mom and still pays child support. he doesn’t come around a lot tho…

christopher: colombian, this is another one of my oc’s he loves all kinds of music and his parents support that. he tries so hard to be a badass but in his souls he’s a suburban hick

sirius: spanish, marlene made fun of james for being friends with his colonizer. he technically knows both spanish and french but james says his spanish isn’t “real spanish”

dorcas: black and jewish, her parents believe in giving her as much freedom as she wants. they are somehow “it’s better if you do it in the house sweetie” kinda parents. bc of this she’s like the only one who knows what to do when one of those idiots has gotten their hands on something

peter: white, his dad and james’s dad are friends he’s an only child and a mamas boy, in first year when james first became close friends with sirius him and marlene felt pushed aside so they made the sirius hate club (it was quickly disbanded as sirius was truly insufferable)

lily: white, has a striped orange kneazle that had a baby freshmen year that lily gifted to dorcas, unbeknownst to marlene the two stayed friends and bonded over their love of herbology, lily also wants to be a hair stylist

#fanfic #dorlene #marauders #marauders girls #ao3 #hp marauders #marlene mckinnon #hp headcanon

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erenscherub · 3 years

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I stan Eliza, a smart kid frfr. Every chapter makes me wonder how y/n hasn’t killed eren yet that man is horrible in every way😭😭

Hi Nonnie! Hope you’re doing well. Thank you for popping into my inbox ❤️

Eliza does love Eren, but she’s always loved her mother the most from day one 🤷🏻‍♀️ poor Eren can never top the reader no matter how many times he promises boba and ice cream and all the sugar and junk food she could want. Small spoilers but Cyrus is a smart kid too and there’s a reason why he’s said to hate Eren in one of the first couple chapters and in this latest one has been cold towards him out of nowhere.

Hopefully I don’t sound like a broken record but this whole story kind of started when I found out how a large portion of married couples actually stay together even after the discovery of an affair. It’s very sad to say but leaving an unhealthy relationship is easier said than done.

My discussions with my friends helped me realize that it’s very surprising how much it would take for someone to reach their breaking point. One of them said if they had kids and depending how long they were married, as long as their partner wasn’t openly shoving the affair in their face, was a good parent, and their kids loved them, they would put up with the affair and them being treated like shit until their kids moved out of the house and were financially stable.

And just from my personal observations of the married couples in my family, I’m very surprised how they’re all still together with their spouses today. Probably a little too much information, but my mom has told me that I would understand why she hasn’t filed for divorce when I have my own kids. Which is a very bad response because children can never fix a relationship and for some people, do not compel them to stay.

Basically the fall arc will be a look into how much more can the reader before she cuts her losses. I’m still writing it, but the divorce scene will be probably be centered around the sunk cost fallacy or maybe even the theory of the looking glass self… I’m gonna marinate on that idea for a little more and bookmark this under my Ted talk tag to develop it more. Thanks for the plot bunny, anon!

But again thank you so much for your support and for leaving an ask. It really made my day that someone mentioned Eliza. Hope you will enjoy also future chapters! Take care of yourself, angel. Love you 😘❤️

#[☆彡] — anon #[☆彡] — seasons #[☆彡] — tiresome ted talks #tysm for the ask!

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wednesdirose · 5 years

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So this is the end of my rope.

I am HIGHLY aware of the fact that I have said before that, “Today I want to kill myself more than I ever have before,” but today tops that last time. I may have used that title to... I’m a creature of habit (Also anyone that remembers this: Hello! I think you may be like the fact that i’m still alive, if you were someone cared. That’s probably not gonna last but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

The other day I was depressed and becoming increasingly more suicidal by the moment, so I decided to go to my parents apartment and spend time with my family. Both of my older brothers in the last like 6 months have moved back home so my parents apartment has a lot of people in it (6 people including my little siblings who are not yet old enough to move out). I find just being around people makes me feel better even if I am not actually engaging anyone or being engaged by anyone. I ended up staying for a whole week and a day, and only leaving to go to work once and then returning back because it was still an option. The day before my last day there my brother came home drunk.

He was not only drunk but upset and feeling depressed because of the pressure he is currently feeling as a very talented, under appreciated and taken advantage-of sound engineer. I missed most of him going off and being upset and venting about his current situation but when I came into the convo, It was crazy because he was saying a lot of things I felt but in terms of his own life. I honestly didn’t know what to say other than I know how he feels and to just listen. He apologized for venting and being emotional and unloading on me and my other brother’s girlfriend (whom he was venting to before I came into the room) but I told him that It was totally fine! And that he knows I’m not gonna judge him. I’m honestly the last one who can judge anyone and he and my family knows it because I've almost killed myself before and was sent to a psych ward. I REALLY can’t judge anyone’s problems. This prompted my brother to say that he loves me and he side hugged me and told me this is why I was his favorite and that I was always was understanding that he felt like I understood him even more than his twin sometimes. He told me he wasn’t just saying it because he was drinking and that he had only had a beer and that he wasn’t that drunk( which I believed at the time because he wasn’t slurring his words but my brothers are drinkers and it takes a lot to get them slurring. He also retracted this statement the next day and said that he wasn’t wasted but was totally drunk.) He started saying all sorts of stuff like he really appreciates me and that he always thought that I was awesome and he was glad that I was in his life. He said that he has always admired me because good or bad I’ve always done what I wanted to do and I’ve always done things my way. He said all these things that I’ve always wanted to hear and I remember thinking that this is everything I’ve wanted hear.... BUT it didn’t FEEL like was hearing what I was hearing. It felt like a regular convo. Then he mentioned drinking again and a memory flooded back to me.

You see me and my older brothers have been friends for three-ish years. My older brothers HATED me when we were little and would sometimes bully me. But it wasn’t completely my or their faults. Up until the third grade my father would manipulate me and use me as a weapon against my brothers, which was something I didnt realize until was much older. My father would bribe me with food and affection and things that I wanted in return for me to “tattle” to him about suspicions he had about my brothers. My brother were very mischievous boys, so almost all of the time he was right. My father being a military man was very harsh, and would give them (looking back) EXTREMELY harsh punishments. He punished them the way his father would (a man my father still considers satan and wouldn’t let me meet when he was alive because he was evil.) This made my brothers hate me. And they hated me for most of my life and showed it.

The memory was of a night when I was in 7th grade and my teenage brother came home drunk. REALLY DRUNK. He came to my room and started talking to me and I don’t remember what he said but that was the FIRST time I ever felt like he LIKED me and that I wasn’t alone, which I was starting to feel more and more. He said all these nice things to me and it felt good and it was an important moment to me. The next morning I tried to talk to him about it.... and he smacked me in my face. Hard. And he told me that I was a liar and that it didn’t happen.

In that moment I decided to share this memory with him (even though he was feeling shitty because IM shitty) and he said that he remembered, which is significant because I thought he wouldn’t remember that or tell me I was lying which was a reoccurring thing every time I tried to bring up shitty things they’ve done to me. But he said he remembered and that he was sorry and that he did so many shitty things to me that I probably don’t even remember (Which mind you, I do. I’ve held on tight to every fucked up thing my family members have EVER done to me.) He said he was so sorry for everything and that his problem with me wasn’t really with me but my father and he didn't realize that until he was older. And then it was like 6 am and he needed to go to sleep.

Looking back on this night I realize why I didn’t feel anything when he said the things I wanted someone to tell me and that that memory was a warning and a reminder. That he was only saying those things because he was drunk and in his feelings and that he probably wouldn’t say any of it otherwise.

My WHOLE LIFE I’ve felt alone. The only time I didn’t feel alone is when I was with my “High school sweetheart” of almost 2 years and he left me. He left me because I was broken and depressed and fucked up and I didn't know how to love someone or be in a relationship or treat someone and I was (in hindsight) Very abusively clingy and over barring towards the end. I’ll probably never be able to convince anyone else to stay with me past the dating phase, enter into relationship with me and actually stay.... And I don’t blame them. And Ill probably never find someone as close to perfect for me as he was and I fucked it up because that’s what i’m good at. Ruining everything. He even IMMEDIATELY hopped into a relationship with someone else. SO that can tell you how much of a nightmare I was. He still visits my dreams sometimes, so that tells you how much he impacted me and how much I loved him. Sometimes we get back together in my dreams or are together and those are the hardest fucking mornings. I’m not sure if I miss him or something or what that means.... I think it's just because he is the only person I’ve been able to convince to love me and the only person I’ve TRULY opened up to and who knew (the high school version of) the real me and still wanted to be with me...

My father left my mother when I was like 12 years old. And when they divorced he basically divorced me too. He moved out and I didnt see him for a while because he “didnt have furniture” or whatever. Then we (me and my little sister) would barely go over his house because he always had some fabulous excuse. Most of the time it was car related or he had work or medical related. Then when we would go over his house he would stay to his self in his room and barely interact with us unless is was time for a meal or he was taking us to church with him (which he stopped going to a few year into the separation) and HE WOULD STILL PICK UP SHIFTS on his weekends with us. The REALLY funny thing is sometimes he would leave to a girlfriends house, which at first I would go but after awhile I was just like nope because he would spend time with the girlfriend and me and my sister would be stuck with the girlfriend’s stupid kids. OR he would invite over his lady friends and be in his room with them. But were our weekends about us, his daughters, and spending time with us?? No. He did that for 6 years.

It’s funny because I felt like he was the only one in my corner until he divorced us. I always felt like my mom just liked my brothers more and she always took their side but my dad was always in my corner. Even against the love of his life. But looking back I dont have any real memories of that man. Because even in selling out my brothers for affection and trying my hardest to get that man to show me he loved me, He never really gave a fuck. I remember when I learned the word “bond” and realized that normal families “bond” from watching TV. I began to ask my parents especially my father, whom did not work most of my childhood, to “bond” with me. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! I had to beg my parents to bond with me. My father, whom spent most of his time in the front room on his fat ass watching tv, told me just sitting next to him quietly while we watched BET was “bonding”. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! If anyone is wondering, I dont know a damn thing about that man frfr. But at least he isn’t a dead beat right? My parents moved in together last year to save money and I go over there all the time. Does he take initiative to spend time with me or even really talk to me? No. He doesn’t. I’m 21 and known him for 21 year and he’s just like every other stranger. The only difference is I have a key to his apartment.

My mother and I have NEVER had a great relationship. We currently have a pretty okay relationship but in my adolescence I thought my own mother hated me (up until I almost killed myself at 17. Then she was a WHOLE lot nicer all of a sudden.) I really didnt have a relationship with my mother as a child because she was always the “bread-winner” and her spouse was always playing “stay at home dad,” until she left my little brother’s dad. She would leave for work before I woke up for school, come home looong after I got there, crack open a can or a box for dinner, go to sleep and start over. I practically raised myself through middle school and through TV, Google and other middle-schoolers, I taught myself how to be a girl and take care of myself. I still to this day wish I had an older sister who could have helped me navigate certain things and avoid ridicule about other things.... but I didnt. I had two older brothers, going through their own shit, raising themselves, whom hated me. She is also an AF AM mother and not to stereo type black families but black families have a tendency to perpetuate toxic behavior with each other in terms of ridiculing each other and tearing each other down and thinking its funny. SO, I being my family’’s weirdo and an outsider in my family, got the worst of it, especially from her (especially after my father abandoned me in that house with her.) I remember in middle school she asked me on two separate occasions if I felt like she loved me. I should have said no, But I didn’t know that then. What I said was, “Of course! You’re my mother and you have to love me.” Both times she responded the same: “I don’t Have to love you.” At the time I didn't understand this but I do know. Because she was always working and having to support five kids by herself she was always stressed. I was unlucky enough to be the target of this stress hurricane. By the time I was in high school, she had lost complete control over my brothers so all of the house work and taking care of my little sister and EVERYTHING, including her stress hurricane, fell on me. And as a depressed/lazy teenager, who could see how unbalanced the way she treated me was versus my siblings, I was not about it. The older I was getting the more I began to stand up for myself or in her eyes, became disobedient. Our relationship throughout my teenage years was TERRIBLE. And we had NEVER had a "good” relationship to begin with so it was REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE. Once I almost killed myself and costed her hundreds of dollars (which she made sure I knew I was costing her) to send me to a psych ward and for meds and a psychiatrist and a psychologist, She began to realize that I’m a pathetic, sensitive crybaby who will kill myself if you're mean to me, and slowly (but surely) began to be nicer to me. Our relationship in present day is much better but my Mother being my mother she has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING she has EVER done to me (except back when my parents were married and my father would make her apologize to me if he felt she did something wrong) and she never will apologize or admit to treating at least a little bit worse than she should have and I will NEVER forget, so I will NEVER move on and we will NEVER be that close. I had to move out because she was still treating me like shit without realizing it and letting her shitty husband treat me unfairly (my parents are still technically married because divorces are expensive.) It got to the point where he was complaining about how much food I ate so I went on a diet but my little siblings were eating up their snacks and blaming it on me and he tried to say that I have to start helping pay for groceries BUT I WASN'T EATING!!!!! I literally STOPPED EATING AT MY HOUSE (except for dinner, which my mom always made two servings of so she wouldn't have to cook the next day.) Yeah one meal a day at the VERY end of the day people. I would wait until he was settled into his room after dinner to make my plate. When I moved out, that women cried and said she felt like she was just now “getting to know me.” CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKING WOMEN?! I wanted to laugh in her fucking face and say that she had 20 years. 20 years.

(Side bar: I should have saved her some money and just killed myself)

I’ve come to the realization from that night in my brothers room, that I wouldn’t be this fucked up if the people who were supposed to be there for me actually treated me right and paid attention to me when I needed it and did what they were supposed to do WHEN I NEEDED IT! Maybe if when I was growing up and needed to be shown love and affection and attention, I wouldn’t have problems connecting with people now and I wouldn’t feel so alone all the fucking time! I could have a healthy relationship and actually love someone and be lovable and I would have real friends and I wouldn’t have went through HALF the shit I’ve been through with people OUTSIDE of my family and I would have known and would know how i’m supposed to be treated by someone who is my friend and someone who claims to love me.

BUT they didnt. No one did. I needed someone (ANY FUCKING ONE) and NO one was there and now I’m fucking broken and have YEARS AND YEARS of attachment trauma and it cant be fixed. AND that’s soooo not the worst of it! I have abuse stories and other shit that I haven't even shared with anyone but one of my therapist and I didnt even feel ready to tell her EVERYTHING just the gist of it. I have OCEANS OF PROBLEMS that can’t be solved. Wounds that can’t heal. I can’t even talk about the problems I have with my family because throughout my whole life we’ve NEVER talked about anything or addressed ANYTHING. There are NO apologies or resolutions or any of that bullshit. If something happens we just wake up the next day as a family like it didn't happen and that's that about that. And honestly I feel like that’s why I can never address any problems I have with people outside of my family or resolve problems or fix anything, which has RUINED great relationships for me.

Anyway. I needed to get that out. SO thank you if you read that bullshit and thank you if you actually care, I guess. This is the end. I’m gonna stop self medicating with weed, which is what I’ve been doing since I stopped taking Zoloft in 2016. It’s actually been working for the most part. It’s not a perfect solution but when I’m high I don’t think about my problems and I feel like I can think about things less emotionally. I’m just gonna stop smoking everyday and let my depression do that thing it does and if I kill myself, Thank god!, and if I don’t, Thank god. And that’s where I’m at on the subject of life and living and the sort.

And Yes before you suggest it smart ass, I have seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists. AND yes I’ve tried other meds besides zoloft and I stopped taking meds because they dont work. AND NO, I’m super uninterested in putting money in greedy ass doctors pockets to take every stupid pill on earth, till I “find the right one.” A pill is not going to get rid of 21 years of misery. It’s just a pill.

#sorry not sorry for typing a whole novella #depression #attachment trauma #suicide #it took me 5 hours to write this and three glasses of wine #wine that I should have checked the alcohol content on #certainly not high enough for me

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skin-n-drugs · 5 years

Text

my family’s fucked

everyone has their issues in my family & ik that’s how it is w every family but frfr there’s not one person who’s got their shit together. my sisters the definition of depressed & has been for a while now & my mom says she sees it, she knows it’s not her acting out or being disrespectful but won’t do anything. i don’t understand bc she & my dad learned what to do when i went thru my shit & were even warned ab my sister going thru similar things & to be prepared. honestly it’s triggering to me to be around her & i hate that that’s how i feel or even j saying it but it’s the truth & i feel so bad bc ik what it’s like but i’m not in a place to help her myself & i was told that it wasn’t my responsibility either (which is what i usually do, fix other ppl so i don’t focus on fixing myself) but i want to help so bad bc i can see it all happening. i see so much of me in her & it’s so sad & scary. i’ve been hella depressed myself recently but as usual i pull myself together to help keep things calm at home. i was seconds from tears, lashing out & yelling at dinner but i stayed to clean the kitchen so no one would know & all would be okay. i hate that this is my life, it’s not even mine, i’m living for everyone else. i don��t want to be here. i don’t want to have to work & deal w this shit. i don’t want to have gone thru what i did & i sure as hell don’t want to be feeling the way i am right now. i’m trying so hard to keep it together & honestly my parents have become so blind to it. “you’re doing so great, we’re so proud, you look fantastic!, you’re taking care of yourself & working hard.” - all towards me. NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!!!! i looked great bc i was starving myself, yes i have a job but i hate it, i’m smoking, binging, purging, haven’t brushed my teeth, worked out, washed my face regularly at all, i’m a complete mess. idk who they’re talking ab but it sure as hell ain’t me. my sister is the one thing that’s always kept me going, i’ve stayed alive to be w her, gotten sober to be a better role model, tried in every way to show her the truth behind things & help her in any way i can. i can’t even imagine witnessing her going down the same road i did. the thought of her self harming, crying herself to sleep, etc kills me, i’m crying typing this & the worst part is that i can’t do shit about it. she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do & i can do what i can but so did my parents & that didn’t stop me. i’m honestly mad at my parents. they saw me go thru shit & didn’t do anything helpful, they’re aware she’s depressed & not doing well & still they’re not doing shit. they raised us to be the ppl we are today & we’re not doin so hot. i’m not saying it’s ALL their fault but i’m definitely not saying they had nothing to do w it. i’ve told them from day fucking 1 that she has issues, that she needs help, she needs more than what ur giving her & they’ve told me to mind my own business i’m j a kid idk what i’m talking about, let the adults handle it. well that’s wtf i was doing!!! i was being the mf adult bc no one else was. i was forced to grow up so damn fast that i was more of an adult than anyone else around me by the time i was 5!! i went w my mom to help her in the doctors when she was pregnant, not my dad. he was traveling. i helped keep the house clean & helped move & be okay w my parents getting divorced so it wouldn’t upset my sister. i was the one who helped my parents get thru being single parents, i made food, kept peace, didnt argue, didn’t do anything that would upset anyone. no wonder i’m the way i am today. i barely have a personality bc i didn’t have the chance to build one as a child, i always put others first w out question or hesitation, i never say no, i never stand up for myself. i had to learn how to do those basic things at the age 17 & i’m 18 now still struggling. they think a year of rehab fixed me for good well guess tf what IT DIDNT!!!! i still have problems, i’m still the traumatized, depressed, anxious shit show that i’ve been since i was 5 why can’t u see that???

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