#my perspective of the show is prob different than that of someone who watches it as it comes out every week

[tskumoyuuma]

ok so I finally watched all the current episodes of wwdits n overall it's an all right show. I think some humor misses its mark but I still chuckled most episodes.

but .. I think my main issue rn stems more from the fandom. I started the show cause I kept seeing people shipping nandor n Guillermo so I was naturally intrigued (also cause I didnt have anything else to watch). I expected to also join ship but .. I found myself more puzzled than anything. I really dont see them being together romantically at all. in fact, if I think about the show actually making them canon, it makes me not want to continue watching it

this isn't me saying no one should ship them, of course. yall can have fun I suppose. but the reason why I am so opposed to this personally is the framing of their relationship so far, especially combined w the fact that this is a comedy show. due to it being a comedy, the constant running gag w these two characters from the beginning has been Guillermo doing anything n everything for the vampires, specifically nandor, all the while nandor mistreats him or dismisses him. obviously nandor has gotten better, especially so far in season 4, but there still feels like somethings off between them. every sincere moment they seem to have in the show is undercut by a punchline where nandor insults Guillermo or says something that undermines or diminishes any sort of friendly sentiment they might have gained from that interaction

I think the most notable counter example to this - n also one that makes me weary of the ship becoming canon - is that fight scene in season 3. the one where nandor says Guillermo passed his test n will now bring him w him to turn him into a vampire. the entire time nandor was talking, I kept expecting a punchline at the end after Guillermo leaves n nandor turns to the cameras to say "yea no I only said that so he wouldnt kill me, I'm def not doing any of that". but .. it never came. which made the whole scene fall flat for me because I was so used to nandor pulling the rug out on Guillermo. n maybe he still wouldv if Guillermo had actually managed to show up for the train. I wouldn't put it past nandor cause again, it seems like every moment between these two ends this way. so if they actually get canonical romantic text in the future, I'm not gonna be able to take it at face value. I'm still gonna expect that punchline of "nandor being shitty to Guillermo"

as iv said, this is my opinion, n one that currently doesnt affect my view on the show itself (as of rn). its more my reaction to the fandom going nuts over these two being "destined" for each other when .. I just dont see it

another thing that bothers me about the fandom is the sentiment towards Guillermos distant boyfriend. the amount of people who want him to die or fuck off so Guillermo n nandor can be together really surprised me cause my reaction when I saw Guillermo talking on the phone w him was pure happiness. cause he seems really happy ! he feels like hes finally in a good place ! n I really hate seeing posts that say how Guillermo is cheating on his boyfriend w nandor n how nandor is def gonna murder him if he meets him .. just puts a sour taste in my mouth. if the show actually follows thru w any of these sentiments, I think I will quit it. for now, I like most of the characters enough to keep watching, tho I think im gonna stay clear on the tag for the show here as I do

#personal shizz #this is kinda a mess n im still kinda sorting thru my thoughts #had a lotta deskwarming today so i had time to try n parse thru why this all rubbed me the wrong way #especially cause i have a few ships that on the surface seem similar to this kind of dynamic #but i also acknowledge cause i watched these episodes p much one right after the other in a few days #my perspective of the show is prob different than that of someone who watches it as it comes out every week #but also i think everyone should remember at the end of the day that this shpw #is primarily a comedy show filled w vampire sex jokes #its not meant to be taken that seriously

[actual-fucking-clown]

Take your time then.

Aizawa x gender neutral reader

Story under the cut :)

Unedited but like edited but still not properly edited :)

Hope you enjoy!!!

a/n: it’s been a hot min since I’ve written a fic. I think the last time i was 14 and it was shit and on wattpad. Ha. I hate myself. N e way, I was recently writing some shit for an au me and my friend thought up and in the back of my mind I was like, “you should start writing fics again bc this is kinda fun”, soo lo and behold I made a post asking if anyone would be interested, shared a little too much personal shit in it but whatever, and have now decided to write this mother fucker. (3/25/21)

a/n: not sure if anyone will care about this series of a/n’s but I’m just chronicling thoughts ig. rewriting rn bc my first draft was short and ass. Also I’m thinking about opening requests after this is posted, will go into detail in a diff post maybe. (3/28/21)

a/n: deleted everything, rewriting. I just want to make something that might be decent and if I can give that feeling, y’know those chills you get when you read something utterly gorgeous, but I’m bad at writing. sadge (3/28/21, like several hours later)

a/n: ugh (4/1/21)

a/n: ugh pt 2 electric boogaloo. I can’t seem to move forward with the writing. I realized something like this might happen bc to solve a problem feelings need to be discussed and I fucking hate doing that so you can see where I’m fucking up lmaooooo (4/2/21)

a/n: I read angst to fuel my writing brain. So, read some angst, finally writing agian. This first section is probs as long as the story itself LMFAO(4/5/21)

Started: (3/25/21) Finished: (4/5/21)

Warnings: uh angst, curse words, like a lot, (i saw someone else put this as a warning, do I actually need it?), avoiding problems instead of actually facing them, mentions of shit so-so parenting, mentions of not being able to live up to high expectations, y’know, the works

Synopsis: Aizawa takes in Eri without running it by you first and expects you to be okay with it. That’s funny. He was wrong.

Can I preface this with a thought? I’m going to anyway,

all the fics I read paint him as the sweetest partner and I’m sure he is but I think they miss out on how blunt he is and his whole “Mr. Rationality” thing. So as much as I adore him I think there are situations that he’d be a bit more colder towards, a bit more straightforward about. Maybe even like a bit insensitive about but maybe bc he doesn’t have the full picture or something. so I guess this is another warning but aizawa is a little insensitive in the beginning (but like not really but kinda. it’s complicated)

~

Rain pattered softly against the window. The smell of some old random Bath and Bodyworks candle you’d dug out from a box you’d never bothered to unpack smothered the room. Some Netflix show idly played on a low volume on your computer, you’d lost interest in watching tv awhile ago. You needed a break. After the eventful month you’d been having you really needed this. 

Now of course your whole year so far had been eventful. What with all the villain attacks on you and Shouta’s class and the kidnapping of one of your students, to just dealing with the more mundane problems with your students. No. You had no problem with that. The villains, although not easy, were something you were trained to handle. The smaller problems with your students weren’t arduous either, after all you weren’t too much older than them. 

When reflecting on your situation, from and outside perspective it could be seen as the straw the broke the camels back, which sure, makes sense. After all, you’re bound to be stressed out by everything else, so why would this seemingly insignificant thing weigh heavier than a villain attack? Well if that is the situation why does this single straw feel like it weighs a ton? This is not that. This is not culmination of the events of this year draining the life from you. This is something entirely different. A panic inducing life change that completely took you by surprise mixed with your inability to actually face your problems. 

You don’t blame them. You can’t. They’ve done nothing wrong. A child. A small, probably mentally scarred child is your problem. Well not her personally but the fear taking care of her instills in you. Despite working in the field that you do, you cannot for the life of you handle actual children. Sure you’re a little awkward with your class but at least they’re young adults and (vaguely) mature and independent to a certain extent. The fact that your long term boyfriend just came back one day, small child in tow and said “Hey I’ve gotta look after this one now” not verbatim obviously, for a lack of better words, fucked you up. He basically solo adopted a kid and, let’s be honest, he probably expected you to help out. But how could you? How could this man look at you and think “I want this person to help me raise an already fucked up child?” Ok sure, he doesn’t at first give off the “I’m totally father figure material” vibe but in the end he is extremely competent. You on the other hand, not so much.

You’d never been good with children. Tried your best to steer clear of them. Didn’t matter the place, didn’t matter who’s kid, you couldn’t handle them. You would just stand there, awkwardly, not entirely sure of what to do and petrified that there was the possibility of making some mistake which would upset the child and then oh wow look, your head got chopped right of your shoulders. That’s hyperbole of course but it does sum up the insurmountable fear that overcomes you whenever you have to deal with a child. So considering the fact that your long term boyfriend had suddenly decided to adopt and not at least warn you, didn’t sit right with you.

So, the best and most obvious choice, was to avoid your problem. Avoid Shouta, avoid Eri. Avoid the mention of them and you, avoid it all. And honestly you’d done pretty well so far. You were able to have as little contact with them as possible considering the close proximity of your living quarters in the teacher’s dorms. After all they were legally supposed to give you two separate rooms but you never actually used yours, well until now. You were living it up honestly. Did you feel awful? Of course. He is your boyfriend after all and you were sure Eri doesn’t deserve your cold shoulder but this is probably for the best. What could you offer her? You weren’t sure that you were a good role model for her or anyone for that matter. What did you know about raising kids? it’s not like you had parents to set a proper example for you. Of course they might have shown you what not to do but where do you go from there? Is shit like that really avoidable? You don’t want to be like them. You strive to be better but what if you can’t be. There’s also the added bonus of the fact that raising a kid seems taxing on a relationship. Now matter how strong you were sure that the stress of a kid could break a relationship down that then festers into something toxic and unrecognizable. You didn’t want that. God you couldn’t let that happen. No. This was definitely for the better.

Of course Aizawa didn’t feel the same. He was confused on why his partner had been so blatantly avoiding him. Did he do something wrong? He doesn’t remember doing anything that might’ve upset you. So why now? Why pull away now? He had to get down to the bottom of this but catching you was the hard part. You had been taking on more work, offering more assistance to the other teachers, picking up extra patrols, doing everything and anything to stay away from Shouta. It took him a month but he finally caught up to you. You were tired, worn out he knew that. Instead of loading yourself with work you’d decided to hole yourself up in your room. It was now or never.

You were pulled out of your peace at the sound of a few gentle knocks to your door. You really didn’t want to get it. You honestly couldn’t be bothered. 

“(N/n)? Are you in there?” He hadn’t gotten it wrong right? He hadn’t been too distracted earlier and missed you leaving right?

“What’s up?” You hummed from your place by the window, not bothering to actually open the door.

“Can I come in?” Shouta asked, voice soft. You could barely hear him above the patter of the rain and the low humming of your laptop.

“Uh, no, kinda busy. Got loads of work to do. Need to focus, sorry. Maybe later?” You hesitantly spoke. Not sure if you were convincing enough. 

Apparently you weren’t.

He sighed. “It’s been “later” for an entire month. Please (Y/n) just let me in. Whatever this is we can talk it out.” You had predicted that eventually Shouta would start to try to crack down on whatever the issue was but you didn’t expect it so soon. 

“Uh...no?” You tried, hoping that maybe he’d just give up but that wasn’t Shouta.

“No, you don’t get that option, now please, open the door.” Although it was still soft his voice had taken a more stern tone.

“Oh no I’m dead. I guess I can’t open the door. What a shame. I guess the only way to talk with me now is in the pits of hell.” You quipped, trying to lessen the tension that already ran thick.

“(Y/n).” Aizawa sighed.

“Jeez fine. Talk about pushy.” You quipped once more to no avail.

Opening the door you were met with, well exactly what you expected. He stood there, arms crossed, a stern yet gentle look in his eyes, his lips pulled into a slight frown. 

“Come in.” You mumbled as you stepped further into your room.

“So tell me. What’s wrong?” The sentence stirred so much. Of course you wanted to tell him. You wanted to spill your guts to the man you loved in hopes of comfort but you just can’t. You know you’ll just scare him off. You know you’ll make things worse.

So you stay silent.

He says nothing as he grabs your hands gently and leads you over to your bed. He sits the two of you down on the edge, muting the movie on the laptop sitting behind him.

“You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you right?” Shouta sent you a warm smile. 

You weren’t very comfortable with discussing your feelings sometimes, it mostly stemmed from the fact that you never really could discuss them with anyone growing up which made it harder to confide in anyone now, as at this point bottling things up was a habit. But this was also just something that you were sure that you couldn’t talk about.

Silence answered him once again.

Now he took sometime to think about his approach, think about what could’ve happened that made you pull away. What did he do that was different from his norm? He was genuinely stumped and the fact that you weren’t helping him confused him even more.

You decided to take this time to lament the situation too. What was he going to do? Should you actually tell him or play it off? If you play it off will he still insist that something is wrong? If you tell him will he leave you? If you don’t tell him will he leave you? You risked a glance at him, he was still deep in thought.

Why did you have to adopt this fucking kid without at least warning me?

“What?” Your head shot up at the sound of his shocked voice.

“What?” You asked, genuinely confused.

“Eri’s the problem...?” He spoke slowly, not entirely sure if he’d heard you right.

“Did I say that out loud?” You squeaked.

“I’m pretty sure you mumbled something along the lines of “why’d you have to adopt that fucking kid”.” Shouta said, unsure if he’d heard wrong. Wanting to have heard wrong.

“No no no no no no! It’s not like that! I mean it is like that but not like that!” You frantically waved your hands in hopes of defusing the situation.

The way he looked at you made you want to cry. You felt horrible. You felt like the biggest asshole in the world and, at this point you probably were. He looked at you with such a look of heartbreak and disappointment and confusion it made you sick to your stomach. You felt light-headed and started shaking. You were right. You were right. You were always right. God why did you have to be right! Why did you have to be like this? Scared of raising a fucking child! It was asinine and irrational and you could probably move past it  but thanks to your stupid fucking brain you just sealed your fate.

You scooted away from him still waving your hands frantically as no’s tumbled endlessly from your lips. You tried sputtering an apology, anything so that he wouldn’t look at you like that but nothing stuck. Nothing was comprehensible. Nothing worked. Nothing would work. Nothing will work. You were hopeless. It was hopeless. 

“If it isn’t like how it seems then tell it to me straight.” Shouta finally spoke up.

You took a second to come down from your panic. You steeled your nerves as much as possible before you spoke. 

“Um well, I have nothing against her it’s just that a little heads up would’ve been nice? I’m not all that great with kids so this is just kind of weird is all.” You were purposefully being vague in hopes that he’d understand what you meant and also maybe drop it.

“Not great with kids? You’re literally a teacher.” He pointed out.

“Yeah you know but she’s like a kid kid and let’s be honest I’m not too great with the students either.” You awkward laughed. So he wasn’t getting it.

“Wha-you’re fine with the students and I’m sure you’ll be fine with Eri, there was no reason to avoid me over this.” Shouta sighed. As good as he was with dealing with people, he was equally as shit. Or maybe it was just the fact that you gave him very little to work with. It was probably a bit of both. Still his dismissiveness was not helping you right now.

“No, no, no, no. I think I’ll stay here. Uh, good luck with your parenthood escapades and sorry to leave you high and dry like this but that’s going to have to be a no from me.” You rambled. He seemed to be getting a little tired of this.

“(Y/n) stop being irrational. She’s not even our kid I’m just looking after her for now. Why are you being difficult? I told you you were fine with the students and you’ll be fine with Eri, what else do you want to hear?” Shouta grumbled.

“Well uh I don’t know, uh...” You trailed off, this seemed to be going in a direction you really didn’t want it to go. A slight hostility settling in the air.

At your lack of a proper answer he clicked his tongue. He took a moment to reassess the situation. There had to be something he was missing. After all you were getting really worked up but if you weren’t going to talk to him there was nothing he could do. He shook his head before running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“(Y/n), please, please, just be honest with me. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, you can tell me. But I won’t be able to understand if you don’t.” Aizawa sighed, deciding that getting worked up about this was not the way to go, especially when you seemed to be especially distraught.

“Uh, god the thing is I don’t know entirely what to say to put the shitshow in my head into perspective.” You mumbled, trying desperately to figure out what to say that could clear the air but nothing seemed to be coherent enough.

“Take your time.” He decided that this was the best approach to things, making sure neither party got too worked up lest this turn into a fight.

The rain continued to patter softly against the window and your candle continued to burn an slightly off floral-ish scent.  A deafening silence hung in the air because even though he was being as patient as possible some of his frustration leaked through, it was bound to though so you couldn’t exactly blame him. After all, you were probably equally as frustrated with yourself too. 

“I’m just not good in a position like this. I’m not good with kids, especially someone like Eri who’s already so broken. You have that nurturing nature, it comes natural to you but I’m not on that level. I  don’t know the first thing about caring for a child let alone one as already traumatized as her. I’d fuck it up and only make things worse. I don’t want you to reassure me that I’ll be okay with her, I want you to understand that I’m not comfortable with this and that it might take me awhile to come around. I’m sure I sound like the biggest asshole ever but please understand that this just isn’t something I’m ready for.” You had rambled a bit, you were aware of that, but it was the only way that you could properly express your feelings without making things too complicated.

Aizawa said nothing. Trying to figure out how to go about things.

Was he upset? Yeah, you two, even after several long years of being together, hadn’t discussed moving forward in your relationship in depth. And if he’d tried you seemed content with the point you two were at so he left it be, no reason to try and move forward when what you had was already fine the way it was. But recently he’d been craving more. Some mornings, when he’d be the first to wake, he’d study your features in the soft light of the sunrise and wonder what it’d be like to properly settle down with you. Get married, start a family, all that jazz. He’d taken in Eri only because it was the most rational decision. His quirk would be good for quelling hers had it ever gotten out of hand. But it also seemed to quell his musings of something more with you. He had imagined you being a good parental figure for the little girl and it made his heart flutter and his stomach explode with butterflies. But now seeing that that wasn’t what you wanted and how you weren’t ready for it, it stung. But in the end, he loved you. He’d easily give his life for you. So, if that meant waiting he’d wait. He’d wait a million years if he had to. He could do it.

Once again he spoke,

“Take your time then. I can wait.”

Tagslist?: @captainchrisstan (I think you said you wanted to be tagged but I’m also just small brained lol If u didn’t want to and I misinterpreted things just let me know :) )

#bnha x reader #mha xreader #aizawa x reader #shouta aizawa x reader #aizawa shouta #aizawa #my first fic #mha #bnha

[plutoswrath]

i’m jealous of your big heart when it comes to animals lmao. i’m arachnophobic and it can be so annoying to have sometimes. i haven’t been able to tie it back to astrology, as much as i would like to. i asked because i was wondering if there was a clear indicator based off certain placements like how 6th house rules animals, 6th is ruled by mercury so i jumbled them even though i probs shouldn’t have lol. and with venus it ties to personal taste so i wondered if it could indicate a liking towards a certain animal. i have sag and sag venus in 6th and embarrassingly enough, i was obsessed with horses. like i came out of the womb adoring them. as soon as i learned to talk i was a walking horse encyclopedia. my obsession died down. i’m not a horse girl, i swear on my life.

i agree with you about the cancer loving animals. animals are babies and momma cancer loves to nurture the babies. i feel like cancers are the most likely to hate the “are you a dog or cat person” question. they’d get offended because how dare someone assume their heart isn’t big enough for both. more than both, really. throw a turtle in there. a rabbit even. cancer asc peeps usually have a shit ton of animals. it’s probably the sag/abundance in the 6th. or they either own a horse or Great Dane. but this is off topic because i forgot i had a follow up question.

if you could tie an animal or a couple animals to each sign that you think best represents that sign? or just seems like one they’d like? some are so easy and others just leave me blank. my arachnophobia thinks scorpio’s deserve better than scorpions but my terror blinds me. but i was looking up the symbolism behind animals and tying them to signs. so far, i’ve concluded that while horses should go with sag, their highly intuitive and empathetic animals. their behavior is like a mirror so if you’re nervous, they are too. so pisces or cancer actually seems to be a better fit. and to stay on topic of cancer with animals, i always tie wolves and dogs in general to cancer. the wolves are tied to the moon and familial dynamics and also i think they’re a great symbolic opposition to leo and how leos tend to resemble cats. sun and moon, dog and cat, night and day, that sort of thing. i realized i’ve rambled but i’m looking forward to your opinion because i’m so lost on what other signs would have. it’s been a year old question in my brain and it’s time for help from the master.

I'm sorry to hear that, I'm had a friend once who was arachnophobic and having phobias like these is really no fun, I can't imagine what it feels like really having them. And omg don't feel bad for liking horses when you were a child, literally so many children, especially young girls, like horses simply because people decided horses where a 'teenage girls only' thing somehow?? (and I will have to dig deeper into this at a point because here where I come from the horse girl thing is soooo painfully real and I want to understand the phenomena). And if I'm not mistake, arachnophobia (like most types of phobias), stem from some kind of trauma right? I absolutely don't try to get to personal but if we look at phobias in that way, maybe it's good to also include looking at planets/asteroids that point to trauma or aspects that can represent/indicate traumatic experiences in that sense! And I agree wholeheartedly to the 'dog or cat' question, I don't get offended by it but I hate this question in general because every animal deserves my love and empathy adfghj and yes, mother feelings definitely play into this haha! I think cancers enjoy (to an extent) having that occasional (or constant) outlet for their nurturing side and the bound you have to animals is also very intuitive and requires a lot of patience and getting educated as well as being observant and reading between the lines somehow and all that dedication paired with emotional knowledge just really speaks to water signs in general (and animals don't judge openly with words, just your energy asdfgh) Uhh, I like the question regarding the animals and I agree with your takes on it so far!! I think one animal can not represent all the core traits of a sign alltogether, but I'll try my best here! and psdfghj no need to call me master because I'm literally so far from anything close to that but thank you so much still, I feel honored really!!

The Signs as Animals:

Disclaimer: some of them are inspired by my ‘the Wild Unknown Animal Spirit’ tarot deck.

Aries: House cat. I know, I always thought cats actually link pretty well to Aries! Cats are just the perfect mixture of intelligen and curious, reserved, stubborn, aggressive, senstive as well as playful/impulsive! They are quick to learn and not afraid to face off against any other, bigger animals, but also can live pretty well together with other pets in the house, as long as they don‘t bother them too much. Especially when it comes to intimacy/pda they are very picky, but forceful when demand it. Seem flexible and unbothered at first but actually have the firmest boundaries when it comes to their personal freedom. Will let you believe they need you but give it a few weeks and the neighbor has better treats than you and gone they are asdfgh, but it's actually a harmful stereotype to believe that cats don't need you because they can become extremely fond of you and grow very attached.

Taurus: Elk. Based on the interpretation of my tarot deck. The elk represents earth energy, it is grounded, is established in itself and knows their core values and acts according to them. They show consistency, coherence and care. Dedicated to who they love and what they care for. Can become narrow minded due to knowing what's best, based on their perception of what's right and necessary, which can effect their ego negatively. Very Taurus for me. Gemini: Dragonfly. I refer to the interpretation of the Dragonfly based on my tarot deck. The dragonfly represents the mind: everchanging, quick, fascinating, a reflection of the world inside us and aroudn us. As the dragonfly is very quick (refering to Mercury's fast and nervous energy) the dragonfly also calles for paying attention to what quality our mind has and to become mindful, because on first glance things always appear different tahn on first glance (Mercury floats between detail-oriented and paying attenetion and being too fast, impatient). The dragonfly is joy and magic, as well as impatience, restlessness and being unable to concentrate. Cancer: Killer Whales (but also whales in general)! I thought especially about Killer Whales, because I once watched a documentary on them and they went in depth about how they have different cultures and different languages even (if I remember correctly) in their familys. Cancer often gets associated with the home life, but I think I wanted to look at it from another perspective, as in how does family 'become' family and how do those family roots develope, what do they consist of, how do we define family and what holds it together (and especially: how do our roots shape our own emotional patterns and nature in life?). I think the mystery of the Killer Whales but the whole complexity that lies behind the fascination of how these animals function and also how deeply affected Killer Whales are by their emotions/when they are absent from their kin, just opens up another big question of family dynamics and how we relate to one another and how principles we always condoned to human beings now apply to animals too. I think the whole part about the Killer Whales relation to emotions and their family's cultures just really made me link them to Cancer. Leo: Otter. I refer o the meaning of teh Otter based on my tarot deck. The Otter resembles the energy of the inner child: it's pure bliss, playfulness, they love to live and live for life itself, and out of this eagerness to enjoy life comes also a contentment and completeness towards life itself. To reconnect with otter energy, it is advised to step into settings of celebration, or total creative self expression and from the outside looking 'unproductive/selfish' indulgence. But actually, this energy is what makes life so enjoyable in the first place.

Virgo: Octopus. Highly intelligent beings that can quickly adapt and take the initiative. Self sufficient by nature, they aren't aggressive unless provoked, they like to mind their business unless they get curious (then they cling heavy onto you because you are their new object of interest). They can change color if it's needed (Virgo is a mutuable sign and can blend in perfectly in social occasions/new situations) and tbh the inking part about octopus just reminds me of the fact that most Virgos have a really quirky side to them you only get to see when you annoy them long enough (aka you are a long term friend). Libra: Gazelle. I refer to the meaning of ten Gazelle based on my tarot deck. The gazelle combines the creation of beauty and harmony, creativity and hyper awareness of it's surroundings, very affected of the imbalances in it's environment, but in it's try to remain this beauty around them, they tend to forget their achievments and stay in the present with their thoughts, as they constantly wheigh out the 'what if's'. A very perceptive animal in the tarot deck and this attribute is equally it's strong suit and downfall. Scorpio: Tiger. I refer here to the meaning of the Tiger based on my tarot deck. Waits in stillness and darkness to reconnect to their own inner power. Healing in isolation with the help of the lunar forces, waiting to regenerate. The Tiger energy shows itself in being passionate, sensual and stepping into ones own power, recognizing ones strength. For me, this is very Scorpio (Moon) for me. When the Tiger in unbalanced, it becomes overstimulated and acts according to this hyperawareness. Sagittarius: Zebra. I refer here to the meaning of the Zebra based on my tarot deck. The Zebra stands for an open mind, visionary and eccentric, new thinking, as well as being young at heart and expansion. I personally connect horses with passion and drive, because they are truly powerhouses. Based on the meaning of my tarit deck, the Zebra also is sociable, at least people find themselves drawn to the energy of the Zebra because it triggers their desire to learn, and I think this is something very beautiful Sagittarius symbolizes when they come into your life: be prepared to broaden your horizon for more. 

Capricorn: Camel. I refer to the meaning of the Camel based on my tarot deck. Camels here represent absolute dependence on self and being able to find the answer to problems in oneself. This self reliance and capability reminds me of capricorns, the camel is finding the 'cool' aka water inside of them and Capricorn is traditionally also symbolized as the sea-goat (which I seriously think should really be considered when anaylzing this archetype) and Capricorns have (imo at least) a rich emotional life, but it's just deeply locked within. The Camel represents showing responsibility for their own actions, regulating the self and circumstances around them as best as they can, which makes sense for Capricorns, ruled by Saturn they usually are confronted with task in their life. If the Camel energy is out of balance, it shows a lack of vitality, with Capricorn representing the senior age in life makes sense, especially since Capricorns can tend to feel very old (exhausted)- Aquarius: Platypus- and no, I’m not using the Platypus because ‚wow all Aquarius are so weird like straight up aliens 🤪🤪’ I think the platypus is a good representation because it makes us question what we’ve known so far about animals and Aquarius too is a sign that introduces us to new ideas and perspectives all in the favor of progress and considering alternatives, leaving the status quo. Pisces:  Raven/Crow. I name these two in particular because as far as I know it’s only the ravens that have been documented intimating people’s voices and tones, but crows are definitely more known for their bright mind. For me people often forget Pisces mutable nature and how quick witted they actually are. These birds are hyper intelligent and their observational skills are truly amazing. In my Wild Uknown Animal Spirit deck, the crow is an animal carrying 3rd eye energy. Here, the view is clear, the crow is moving through different dimensions and sees what other’s cant. For and the emotional depth (void) Pisces is conencted to it just seem to make sense. 

#i swear i will be more active the next days #replies #anonymous #astrology #zodiac #the signs as #the signs as animals

[spikedru]

Hi! So first off, your blog is incredible (probs the best buffy blog I have come across so far?) & second, I have gathered you are a spike fan, super curious to hear your thoughts on the terrible episode in season 6 (?) where he tries to r*pe buffy. I feel like everyone tends to ignore the weirdness of season 6 but I really want to explore other folks opinions on it

lmao thank u for enjoying my bullshit <3

it got kinda long so im putting my thoughts under a read more. tw for discussion of sexual assault

to be frank i dont think ive actually sat down and watched seeing red since the first time i watched the show back when i was like. 14. a lot of shit goes down in that ep that is not fun to watch, nor was it supposed to be. in my personal opinion, i dont like most of season 6. it starts out fine, bargaining and after life are interesting, engaging episodes. the seeds of everyones explosive interpersonal dramas are about to fully bloom, and theres a lot of narrative tension in that regard. but as the characters unhealthy coping mechanisms start to catch up with them and bad decisions after bad decisions are being made, i no longer enjoyed watching characters i love begin to succumb to their downward spirals. the push/pull of negative character development works for some people, but it just wasnt enjoyable to me. i started this blog in march right around the time i was doing my first s6 rewatch in years and i eventually gave up right before riley shows back up because it wasnt fun for me to watch anymore (also because i think as you were is a dumb episode lol) :/ lmao i guess as a depressed 20 something i dont want to also watch a bunch of depressed 20 somethings struggle with real world problems. im still debating whether to just go back and watch the dark willow eps, bc that was fun to see, but other than that ... :/

back to seeing red, while i hate that it lead to an attempted sexual assault, i can understand the narrative path that got them to that point. spike is absolutely in the wrong, he's the one that took it too far, but regardless, from a character perspective i can see how he got to the bathroom. the buffy/spike sexual relationship is absolutely toxic the moment it begins. its built on misunderstandings, buffy using spike without regard for his feelings not understanding that despite being soulless he is his own person with his own emotions, and spike not understanding why buffy is turning to him, that her own self loathing and depression is what is driving her to him as a means of escape, not truly because of a purer emotion like love which is what he wants. their whole tryst is a stew of muddled yes/no mixed signals. and after buffy decides to break it off with spike for good, as a way for herself to begin healing from her depression, it makes sense that he wouldnt fully believe her. she had been turning her back on him and then crawling back so often, why would this time be different? again with the misunderstandings of the relationship between the both of them. they had reached a standstill where neither party knows how the other is interpreting their actions. i like this excerpt from Critically Touched's review of Seeing Red, because i feel like he is able to explain how they got to that bathroom scene in a very succinct way

"Something had to happen with these two. Spike had to just leave the show, die, or do something so bad to Buffy that he'd need to get a soul to even attempt to make things right with her, despite the fact that having a soul makes him a new individual in the process. So, despite obviously not "enjoying" the scene, I did find it shocking and I did find it valuable from a character perspective. Due to their twisted sexual relationship this season, I'm not convinced anything else other than this would result in Spike fighting for his soul to be not just a better man... but to be a man (which is poetically said in "Beneath You" [7x02])."

here is the link to the rest of the review -> [link] which i feel like, as with his other buffy reviews, is able to objectively analyze the episode in a really interesting and in depth way, and also help contextualize the episode not just within the season but the rest of the show. i recommend looking through the rest of his reviews, its an interesting perspective from someone who clearly loves this show a lot and is willing to take the time to analyze both the narrative threads as well as the character development, giving every single character their dues in his analysis.

i genuinely love both buffy and spike a lot as characters. they are both incredibly engaging and interesting, in how they grow and change throughout the course of the show, as well as how they play off each other and what they bring out in each other. seeing red is a difficult episode for a lot of people, and for good reason. while their relationship was toxic for both parties it was absolutely spike that took it too far, his attempted sexual assault is inexcusable, and he pays dearly for his transgression. i dont know if i will sit down and watch seeing red ever lol, its definitely up there with the body for episodes that i refuse to rewatch often (though for entirely different reasons lol).

i hope i explained that adequately. its a sensitive subject and i kno a lot of people understandably dont like spike because of his actions in s6. he had straddled the line between good and bad for so long that he had to reach some kind of tipping point to either go fully good or fully bad, and if he died or left the show it would have felt that his character arc had been cut short or left unfinished somehow. its unfortunate and terrible that the tipping point had to come at the cost of assault towards buffy, but as Critically Touched said given that the nature of their relationship was roughly sexual and full of misunderstandings, i can see how it ended up in that bathroom.

also just as a quick aside the way the scene is shot does an excellent job of evoking this sense of dread and wrong. you can tell immediately something awful is going to happen and it makes my skin crawl

#asks #eachothersthroats

[orionsangel86]

SPN Speculation - SDCC chatter

Hey guys, a little birdy told me that Tumblr hasn’t been handling the SDCC news all that well? I have been asked to come back and share some thoughts I have so far only been floating around in GCs and very briefly on Twitter.

For those of you feeling negative about Season 15, that’s of course your prerogative, but I am honestly extremely happy with what tidbits of information we have received. 

This got long so under a cut is quotes from SDCC and my own reactions and speculation including an ending concept I thought of that I am quite happy with.

First of all, Andrew Dabb’s joke about only 30% of the audience liking the ending was just that, a JOKE. They were digging at Game of Thrones. Bobo has already confirmed on Twitter previously that SPN ending will be NOTHING like Game of Thrones. 

https://twitter.com/robertberens/status/1127821427149721600

https://twitter.com/robertberens/status/1127976311303970816

This was back during the final few eps of GoT when Bobo got really chatty with fans online about the way GoT told it’s stories. He confirmed that SPN is completely different, believes in heroism, and is focused on its characters rather than the world at large.

What Bobo essentially was saying was that SPN isn’t going for a dark gloomy ending more focused on the universe than each characters individual end journeys. SPN will have a satisfying end for its audience compared to the dark and gloomy hopeless ending GoT presented us with.

So any snark they had at SDCC comparing SPN to GoT was prob based on this and is totally not to be taken seriously.

What made me feel far more positive was Dabb and Bobo saying the following:

Dabb: “you want people to feel it was worth their time. Because this show is a big time investment. Three hundred and twenty seven hours [is a lot]. You don’t want to leave people feeling hollow, you don’t want to leave them feeling cynical. You don’t want to make them think we don’t take very seriously the amount of time and effort they put into this show and the amount of time and effort we put into this show. So that doesn’t mean the ending is always happy and everybody is high-giving. But it means the journey was worth something and came to a place that makes everyone feel it was worth taking that trip.”

Bobo said “at it’s core, making sure we end powerfully and meaningfully the stories of Jack, Cas, Sam and Dean, and honor them and their characters and their emotions and the audiences emotions for them.... that’s sort of our north star in breaking the show.”

Also Bobo: “We have some really interesting and fun ways to play around with that expectation [of whether Sam and Dean should live or die]. Not just in the final stretch but throughout the season. I think that question will be raised in a number of ways. And Sam and Dean will be struggling with that in a number of ways. I think we’re very conscious as writers that this is not the Game of Thrones type [of situation] – just shove everyone’s face in the mud kind of downer. It’s a balance of pain and uplift that we have to hit perfectly that feels fresh and doesn’t feel like something we’ve done before. And I think that we have some ideas that we’ve very excited about that will stick that landing for us.”

Whilst we have to remember that this is still just PR, it is good to hear from both Bobo and Dabb that ultimately they seem to understand what is important and how to end this show right. My interpretation from this is not that the show will end in death and misery, but in something hopeful and somewhat satisfying, even if it is different.

(My sources from this are from a GC where the text I think is copied from an article. If you know the article please send me the link)

Dabb also talked quite a bit about how the one thing that is set in stone and has been for at least a year already, is the very final scene of the show. They had this in mind before Season 14 was written. So everything else will be written around this final scene. (also means we need to pay closer attention in our S14 re-watches.)

Dabb and Bobo both think the ending will satisfy fans, or at least that fans will understand why the ending they chose makes sense. Dabb specifically said “What we are crafting is something that I hope will make sense as an emotional ending to these characters journey. I don’t think it’s something that’s going to make everybody happy, because that’s impossible. But I certainly hope that even the people who hoped it ended differently will understand why it ended that way.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHjhnG5w2gw

The one take away that REALLY interested me was this from Jensen:

“It took me a while to get there. When we were in the room and the idea came down the pipe and everybody kind of signed off on it, my reaction was more like “okay, okay”. I’d struggled with it for about a week or so and I realised I’m just too close to this character. To see anything with finality on it is just hard to digest. And I talked to a few people about it and got some clarity on it and I’ve tried to look at it from a different perspective and I now have come around to being “oh, this is a really good ending. This is satisfying.””

https://twitter.com/Bluestar861/status/1153080393106710528

So to sum up:

Dabb says that the ending they have gone with is one that makes sense emotionally in terms of character journey

Bobo says that the ending will honor the characters of Sam, Dean, Cas and Jack and WON’T be anything like GoT

Jensen says that he struggled with the ending at first, and had to have it explained to him to get clarity on why they are taking that route, after which, he understood and now thinks its a really good ending.

To top this, Jared spoke of the ending being the characters finding peace (whether alive or dead - but in a way that implied they would be alive)

Misha has confirmed he doesn’t know the ending, so he has simply been reiterating his old stance that Cas has to die and as much as we love him, we can disregard everything he says based on his own words from Jibcon “I make shit up.”

As a meta writer and someone who spends a lot of time picking apart the stories to find SENSE and MEANING in the CHARACTER JOURNEY’S and knowing that JENSEN ACKLES DIDN’T UNDERSTAND AT FIRST?! 

I AM VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS NEWS.

Jensen not understanding imo means the ending will not be Sam and Dean dying together in a blaze of glory, it won’t be a separation in death either for any of the characters. My best guess? The brothers go their separate ways in the end. 

Hear me out. It fits okay. Let’s bring this back to the obvious question:

How do you end a show where death is not taken seriously?

Easy. You separate the characters in LIFE, bringing an end to their joint story. If SPN has always been a story about two brothers, saving people, hunting things, the family business (with the family growing over the past so many years), then the way you end that is not by killing them off, it’s by separating the core characters from the story itself, and from each other.

The reason I am speculating THIS ending is also because of one EXTREMELY EXCITING fact that also came from SDCC:

EILEEN IS RETURNING

https://twitter.com/Shoshannah7/status/1153077148883640321

Call me an optimist, but they aren’t going to bring back the one character who ticked all of Sam Winchester’s boxes for one episode as a ghost or a soul in heaven - they are gonna bring her back properly, and that can only mean one thing. SAILEEN. Sam getting a romantic endgame is PERFECT and it fits my theory. Eileen coming back opens up the potential for Sam to have a new hunting partner, or even better, a new MOL Legacy partner to reestablish the MOL as a society for learning and protecting the world from the Supernatural. A training center for hunters and supernatural scholars all over the world. TELL ME THIS ISN’T PERFECT FOR SAM I DARE YOU.

Obviously, the one caveat to this awesome opportunity for Sam, is no more hunting with Dean. Hence, end of Supernatural as we know it.

What does this mean for Dean? Well, If a certain angelic blue eyed beauty gets their true story potential - their emotionally satisfying character journey end - then that angelic blue eyed beauty will be hanging up their wings for good and slumming it with us mud monkeys permanently. 

A sacrifice? Yes, finality? Yes. Death? Hell no.

Further thoughts on this here:

https://twitter.com/Bluestar861/status/1153278119576592385

With a human Cas by his side, Dean can still do whatever he wants, travel the country, or take himself and his hot ex-angel “buddy” off to the beach, because the main focus of Dean’s character arc, his character journey over the course of so many seasons, has been to find peace with himself, as well as freeing himself from the burden of parenthood forced on him by his father and let Sam go.

Dean has never been comfortable being alone, and it wouldn’t make sense for him to end his journey alone either - at all - which is why Jensen’s dream ending that he keeps telling at cons about Dean swapping Baby for a motorbike also makes no bloody sense - but of course, as Jensen said, he didn’t really understand the ending presented at first did he? 

Jensen would struggle with the idea of Sam and Dean both choosing to separate in life, especially if that ending also had an ambiguous Destiel twist to it. Jensen has always made his views on the brothers relationship clear, he is a “together to the end” man, so it makes sense that he would need to have the toxic codependency and why it needs to break explained to him. 

I have no idea whether Destiel will be part of this so please don’t ask me, I happen to think at this point that it will be ambiguous and open to interpretation. But if the show ends with Dean and human Cas together mirrored against a happy Sam and Eileen I’ll be satisfied.

DISCLAIMER: This is a speculative fan theory thought up for fun. It is NOT serious show meta, it is literally inspired by PR from SDCC. I DO NOT HAVE A CRYSTAL BALL - IF I DID I WOULD BE BUYING LOTTERY TICKETS RIGHT NOW NOT TELLING YOU LOT HOW SPN IS GONNA END.

Of course, all my theories are inspired by in show character themes and emotional sub plots. I’m not pulling this shit out of thin air, I just... don’t want you all to start accusing me of leading you on or getting your hopes up if S15 starts and throws us a huge curve ball because I literally know nothing more than you lot and frankly the attacks on meta writers over the past few years have disgusted me and made me loose quite a bit of faith in the fandom collective brain cell - which I generally assume doesn’t exist in those that actually do attack meta writers.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Still, please try not to burn this hellsite to the ground based on SDCC PR. It’s supposed to be fun!

Peace.

#Supernatural #spn speculation #sdcc2019 #pr is not showrunning #spn fan theories #spn endgame #season 15 #saileen #destiel #andrew dabb #bobo berens #jensen ackles #my thoughts

[sternenteile]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by:  @battleshell​  ;  we all care blue, u do, i do, we all do tagging:  holy shit my whole dash because exorbitantly long memes are the BEST. i aint even sarcastic when i say that, i love this kind of shit. u GOTTA do it.

my muse is:  canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [ he is in two fandoms, in fact. he is both a fan-favorite from super mario rpg, the very first in the line of mario rpgs we’ve gotten over the years, and a pretty popular smash bros. request. he even got a mii costume in 4 and a spirit in ultimate as a result of the love. he’s very beloved, to the point that i’d, even as a geno fan myself, deem him a bit overrated. why? b/c where is all the love for all the other smrpg characters!!! they are all good. i love them all. ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ i mean ?? i’ve met and seen many people who have/had crushes on geno so ??????? but i don’t think it’s like. that. ghfskjhgsg??? ]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ oh yes, he is undeniably very strong, both in personality and in battle. he is often seen as the level-headed straight man of the party in smrpg (which, in the case of my geno, is... semi-applicable LMAO), a star spirit with unwavering bravery and confidence. his in-battle stats are also pretty crazy, favoring geno as a glass cannon and enemy sweeper. he is also the only character in the game to have a move that will insta-kill any enemy besides bosses. well, and exor. idk why exor, but there ya go. needless to say, pretty much everyone in the fandom agrees that geno is a powerful mfer. why wouldn’t a literal, living star be? ]

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ as i mentioned before, there is no shortage of him being underrated in the fanbase. i’d even say he’s a little overrated. some people treat smrpg as ‘that game with geno in it’ rather than everything else it has going for it. i love star boye as much as the next gal, but pls appreciate smrpg as a whole. it’s such a vibrant game with a colorful world of characters to love. ]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. [ he is actually, completely central to the plot. the subtitle of smrpg is legend of the seven stars, which directly relates to geno’s core mission: to find the seven star pieces and restore star road. the rest of the gang had different ambitions, but they all ended up banding together over geno’s objective. one could argue he mostly is the exposition-granter and could be replaced with anyone else, but i feel he’s irreplaceable. smrpg would be so different without him, like it or not. ]

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [ i wouldn’t say he is the protagonist, obviously, as that is very much mario’s spot. that being said, he is a pretty obvious deuteragonist for smrpg, given how much the plot revolves around him. he’s relevant to mario, for sure, as well as peach, mallow, and bowser. he’s relevant to many characters beyond them. he represents the fight for everyone’s wishes to be able to come true. he’s, uh... very relevant rofl. ]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. [ the star spirits are somewhat known in the mario universe as entities capable of granting wishes, kinda like fabled gods with a tinge more evidence and reality to them. geno himself isn’t a known name, not like the seven star spirits of star haven, but his people are decently known. he, however, is not. ]

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ he is basically the epitome of ‘good’ until you overthink star society like i do lol. not all wishes can be granted, what constitutes as a ‘good wish’ is subjective, why some good wishes still can’t be granted anyway, etc. it puts him more towards neutral good with a dash of lawful and an undercurrent of chaotic, given his rebellion against his superiors. ]

How strictly do you follow canon?  —  i mean, it isn’t hard to be strict to mario canon when there isn’t that much of a foundation to work with anyway lol. it’s all rather simplistic until you get into the nitty gritty of it ??? that said, geno is built on a lot of headcanon. like, a lot a lot. star society and its rules for star spirits of his kind, his relationship with rosalina (a matronly figure), his relationship with the seven star spirits, the fleshing-out of his basic personality traits shown in smrpg, etc.? headcanon upon headcanon.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  a star possessing the form of a children’s toy, like toy story but with more cosmic pew-pew. a chill and sassy guy still learning the ways of how earth (and other planets) work on a more intimate level, meaning there will be lots of adorkable moments as this curious one makes discoveries. sometimes attempts to innovate with what he learns to be ‘ahead of the curve’, leading to interesting results. (he likes to sip bubble tea, but replace the tapioca pearls with star bits. good result. mopping a counter-top because it would be ‘more efficient’? not-so-good result, got him lots of stares.) straight outta the 90′s, so be ready some of that rad 90′s slang and know-how from back in the day. (what do u mean they’re bringing back dunkaroos? that’d mean they stOPPED MAKING THEM?!?) very intrigued with new technology, became stuck to his smartphone upon discovering them, fell into the time-sink that is animal videos on youtube. he’s humble and likes to relax, have a good time, and relax w/ the squad. video games, netflix binges, the whole nine yards, he’s gotchu. he is a hell of a fighter and loves to fight, as well. help him push his abilities, and he’ll help you with yours.  likes being a little shit for fun, only to an extent (harmless moments of impishness, not serious, hurtful pranks). has a sense of humor that is easy to tickle, even with stupid dad jokes and classic puns. the brother-friend that will fire lasers at ur enemies for u. likes to play violin. cute. super cutie. v. tiny in his star form. almost five whole feet of sparkly, twinkly fun. likes super soakers.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  despite intrigue to learn more about the world around him, there is only so much that he does know. societal norms are often beyond him, and there are just so, so many earth hobbies he is not aware of. without handing him a bone, it makes him a little more limited than someone who’s more savvy. he is prime slice-of-life material, but that may also make things rather dull in an rp without an extra twist to spice things up. (thankfully, his being a total SNOT sometimes helps with that.) in canon and strictly in canon, geno doesn’t really have much personality, something that this geno has plenty more fleshed out. a good chunk of fandom finds him to be incredibly boring and droll, to which i personally disagree, as there are little things in smrpg that hint towards him having more to explore.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  funnily enough, seeing smash bros. fandom railing on geno fans + hyping him up all at the same time made me revisit smrpg after having only played it as a teenager. i expected geno to be a boring slate of nothing like fandom often portrays him, but i found that i was terribly wrong. with a newfound perspective on him, noting little details that defied my expectations for this li’l guy, i decided to give him a geno whirl and see what kind of expansion i could do with his character. the amount of lore i came up with him and started wondering about piled on and on and on, and i realized that he had so much more potential than what nintendo and square properly tapped into. (some of it is also a matter of being timely, though, meaning later mario materials such as rosalina, star haven, etc.) i wanted to flex out that potential and see how much i could fill this little doll up with, and lo and behold, i rp him today with extensive amounts of development poured into him with love. to put it simply, there was so much untapped potential that i wanted to share with the world, to show geno the love and in-depth exploration that he deserved, to show that he was more than what he was given.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  chattering about mario lore with pals, whether it relates to geno or not, reading, watching shows or videos that remind me of him, learning more about cosmology and the universe we live in (and boy, i’ve learned a lot of neat stuff!), revisiting my childhood (the 90′s) since it’s very geno-appropriate, drawing The Boye, literally anything to do with playing, watching, or doing ANYTHING with smrpg/paper mario 64/smg1&2, and probs a lot more. i’ve got a lot of fuel in me for this guy lol.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? [ on one hand, of course i hope that i do! on the other hand, i mean... nintendo and square don’t do jack for him, so i think almost anyone can do him more justice than they have, lbr. it’s... not hard... :’) ]

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? [ ok i gotta just copy-paste what blue said in her response because my god, she nailed it: “you know when you have a concept and in your own mind you can see it clearly, without fuzziness or confusion, but you can’t seem to put it clearly into words without it turning into an essay because you need to connect all the other points that’s in the single concept you envisioned? yea.” basically, this but in spades, because i have a huge amount of headcanon and lore that i’ve either not gotten around to writing about yet or am purposefully staving off (wink wink). i have written a lot for him, though! it’s just... comparatively so little to what all i’ve thought up over-time. ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO [ not! often! enough!!! ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [ all i know is fine dining, breathing, and adorkable starman. ]

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF? [ funny enough, i’m pretty damn confident in my portrayal, albeit still very modest. i mean, i am at least confident that i give depth to a character that had so little, and i feel like geno is just... real. (not literally ofc i mean like, he FEELS realistic.) he’s got character perks, character flaws, strengths, weaknesses, personal issues, ongoing obstacles, relatable themes where appropriate, interests, knowledge (or lack thereof), daily routines... i could go on. if nothing else, i at least feel good about trying to make geno feel less like some exposition character and more like a person. considering he wants to achieve personhood that most of his kind never gets to find, it’s oddly poetic lmao. ]

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. [ eehhhhh. i mean, i guess it’s fiiiIIINE, but i often feel like i lack a certain pizzazz, something that’ll keep people interested and intrigued with what i write, giving enough material for them to adequately bounce back. on the same token, i like to babble with my prose, so i often worry about going on and on and on way too much. stale, quantity over quality, substance-less writing is what i fuss over the most. ;; ]

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORTA. [ sensitive to empathy and other peoples’ emotions, yes. i’m an insanely empathetic person, and i have a lot of love to give. that said, with only few exceptions, i have a pretty iron-clad skin. sometimes, i daresay it’s to the point that i often misjudge what other people can take, and i feel i can end up being too harsh and forward. that being said, it is also a good thing at times. harsh or not, if i feel a certain way about something, i make that shit known and i make it known as loud as it necessarily should be. i don’t beat around the bush; rather, if i have a beef, i will make that beef known. consequently, if i have love to give, you damn well better be ready to swim in a pool of hearts and your favorite kind of cookie (if applicable). ]

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  as long as it isn’t complaints with lack of substance/reasoning, yes! even if i may not always agree and may take things with a grain of salt, i am insanely receptive to criticism, even over the pickiest things. it’s something i’ve grown used to due to prior rp venues being particularly harsh. i will never throw a fit or act like a child if there is something i could do better with geno. in fact, there always will be! i’m not perfect, and i love to hear about ways i can improve and do better. it’s paramount in a hobby like this.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  LET’S-A FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  sure, i’d love to know! it can make for some neat conversation!! c:

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  that’s a’ight. i’m sure there are things about my geno that won’t resonate with everyone, especially given he’s a very sentimental character for old fogies like me lol. as long as there is no disrespect thrown this way, it’s all good. this stuff is subjective, after all.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  oh, a lot of people really hate geno lol, but i’m guessing this means personal portrayal only. in such a case, i would be curious as to why, admittedly, but i acknowledge that i am not owed anyone’s reasoning. if they really, absolutely hate my geno, then it’s their prerogative, whether they want to give a reason why or not. again, it’s all good unless immaturity and disrespect rears its head. i won’t tolerate that and will ignore any such behavior.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  sure, it happens to the best of us!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  i’d like to think that i am! i’ve often had people tell me that i’m very nice and mature, but of course, i have no right to say how i come off to other people. that is not in my territory to judge, only theirs. that being said, it’s not easy to upset me or anger me, and i’m more often willing to listen and pal around than not. i’m the living embodiment of (shrug). i am just (shrug).

#★ ; ( ooc. ) #★ ; ( meme. ) #★ ; ( headcanon. ) #WHHHHOOOOOHHHHH THIS WAS A BLST #THANK U AGAIN BLUE I LOVE THIS

[novantinuum]

SU movie predictions

Okay, we may not have a trailer yet to go off of but trying to predict things is fun. (And it’ll be funny looking back later and seeing how epically wrong I was lol) 

So my predictions of what I think is realistically plausible to happen:

A Gem actually gets physically shattered/we learn what actually happens to Gems who are shattered

Okay, so this may be a little edgy but hear me out... this movie is 90 minutes. And it’s a movie. Some serious chaos gon’ have to go down to fill the time here. It wouldn’t surprise me to see the Crystal Gems caught in a more perilous situation than usual.

There’s been a lot of theories over the years that shattered Gems are actually still conscious. I think we might gain some more info on that.

I genuinely doubt it’ll be a big character. Prob a one-off character. If anything, just a scenario where the villain is showing the audience that she’s not here to play games. 

There are at least three songs.

Change Your Mind had three and it was only 45 minutes. With double the length, how many more might we see?

My bets are on Steven having at least one, an ensemble song, and p e r h a p s a bad guy song.

Steven and Connie get a relationship upgrade.

These two have such a close bond, and are so obviously smitten with each other that I’m kinda surprised it hasn’t happened already. But what better time for even further development for them than a movie?

There’s definitely gonna be a fusion.

I’ll be surprised if I don’t see some past fusion encores.

And what about new fusions? So many possibilities!

It will be set post Change Your Mind.

I genuinely don’t see the storytelling purpose of setting it before Change Your Mind, so I will be surprised if this movie isn’t set in between CYM and s6. 

I am, however, still unsure whether I think the plot events in the movie will be relevant to the wider arc, or a standalone threat.

The movie reveals a fairly significant remodeling to Steven’s house.

We know Bismuth repaired it while everyone else was on Homeworld, but we still haven’t seen the inside yet.

Perhaps there will be more doors in the Temple now, for the newest official Crystal Gems!

The villain actually isn’t ‘Red Diamond’ or related to the diamonds at all.

While those theories are pretty cool sounding, I’m beginning to doubt that we’re going to be dealing with more diamonds after having pretty much half of season 5 dedicated to rooting out the mysteries with the Great Diamond Authority. At this point, what the show needs is to stretch its wings into the greater ‘universe,’ and what better way of doing that than to introduce an entirely new Gem type? Or, heck- even an entirely new species. Let’s go hog wild.

Rose’s chest in Lion’s mane will have some relevance to the plot.

That chest is still a mystery, and I suspect it’ll be coming up very soon because Steven brought attention to it in late season 4. They started teasing the concept of Steven’s gem being removed in late season 3, and that came to fruition in CYM so... I think we’re coming up on some big answers soon.

At least Garnet and Peridot will be poofed.

Perhaps more characters will be, as well.

Basically, I have a feeling that the really wild visors these two got in CYM were more designed exclusively with that episode in mind, as momentous as it was. They were fun visors, meant to represent everyone’s unity as a Crystal Gem at that moment. I predict that future regenerations of these two will have mostly similar outfits, but with toned down visors.

We see multiple new Gem locations.

Self explanatory, really. I’ll be surprised if we don’t.

By the end of the movie, Steven finally goes through a well-deserved growth spurt and looks his age again. (Like an actual 14 1/2 year old.)

This whole show is about his coming of age. We’ve seen his emotional coming of age. We’re yet to witness his physical coming of age. Like buddy, you still look like an eight year old. XD

And logistically, when it comes to CN advertisement... featuring such a significant character design change (if it ever does happen) within a Big Event TV Movie as opposed to a regular episode would be a wise move. That way, more people are likely to watch it and know what’s going on later when they see that Steven Universe’s title character looks quite different now.

Steven and Co. use his leg ship to travel through space at some point.

The kid has his own spaceship now. The whole galaxy is now his oyster! We’re finally putting the Universe into Steven Universe! I do hope that’s a plot point they utilize well...

The Diamonds feature, and we get a glimpse into how Homeworld is faring post CYM.

Could be part of inciting incidents. Perhaps the villain is someone resisting changes there on Homeworld.

The plot is no longer restricted to just Steven’s perspective.

Rebecca Sugar said in the last episode of the SU podcast that the show, as it continues from here, would be quite different from s1-5, because the story s1-5 was telling is done. That story is, of course, Steven’s coming of age. We saw everything from his point of view, because it was his story.

Thus, I’m predicting that from here on out, it’s not just his story... it’s the Crystal Gems’ story. Perhaps there will even be episodes in the far off future that don’t involve Steven at all- focusing on other Gems or humans instead.

BUT as far as the movie is concerned... 

Normally in s1-5 every scene had to be either: something Steven personally experienced himself or within a fusion, a story that a character was telling to Steven, or some interaction Steven overhears/eavesdrops on. I think it’s likely that this rule will be lifted from here on out. Which means, we could see a conversation between, say, Garnet and Pearl that Steven is nowhere around to see. Sky’s the limits.

And some absolute spitballing that really doesn’t have much “evidence” or plausibility on happening, but that I’d think would be pretty cool anyways:

We see Rose’s last moments/Steven’s birth.

If they were ever to flashback to this, now would be the time.

Could be an interesting way to quickly establish Steven’s hybrid nature for any new viewers.

Another human/Gem hybrid exists.

And Steven meets them and takes them under his wing.

This could perhaps be linked to his physical coming of age. Perhaps the thought of this new responsibility... of watching over/helping show the ropes to someone... is what moves him to finally grow up. Shifts his mentality a little older.

#su #steven universe #su theory #su movie #steven universe the movie #my post stuff #there we go an exhaustive list of my predictions

[kallypsowrites]

Game of thrones: Conquest and Rebellion

I’m a happy camper this Christmas as I finally got Game of Thrones season 7 for myself. And I was surprised when it came with this beautiful little DVD that contains an over 40 minute history of the Targaryens in Westeros, narrated by several of the characters in Game of Thrones including: Viserys, Varys, Euron, Peytr Baelish, Sansa, and Jaime. I say characters and not actors because it is clearly supposed to be from the perspective of the characters and what they have learned about the history of the Targaryens.

Now, I was intrigued to watch this because I am actually midway through a big ol’ post on unreliable history in Fire and Blood. The basic thesis is that by telling the history of his world through the eyes of someone in that world, he makes it unreliable and biased and this is very much by design. I have my ideas about what is exagerated vs what is real in Fire and Blood, but I wanted to see how this video compared. Especially since it contains what the SHOW views as the most important notes in the Targaryen conquest.

And boy did it confirm my suspicions about unreliable history. In fact, hearing individual characters bring in their bias illustrated my thesis perfectly. But let’s talk about some of the highlights. Because I was surprised to see how the Targaryens were represented her.

1. Viserys suggests that the Targaryens may have left Old Valyria because of a court mishap and not the prophesy from ‘The Dreamer’. I have had my suspicions about some of the “prophetical” motivation behind the Targaryen conquest, because in large part it seemed like stories written to justify Aegon’s conquest. Like it’s his “destiny”. However, I never thought to question the idea of the dreamer foreseeing the doom of Valyria. Now, if this was from any other character’s narration I might call it unreliable and an attempt to discredit the Targaryens but this is Viserys, “number one Targaryen fanboy”, “my family is the best and like GODS among MEN” Targaryen. Even he thinks that perhaps the vision is just a story. At the very least, the vision wasn’t super clear as the Targaryens left a full twelve years before the Doom. Already the show seems to be calling attention to the fact that the Targaryens are just like everyone else.

2. This continues with the implication that Aegon conquered for resources and knew he could win because of dragons. This is also Viserys’ implication. He also makes a statement about Aegon “teaching the squabbling families the meaning of greatness” and it sounds very villainy. Again. This is Viserys who later on calls Maegar the cruel, “the wise” and says the title of cruel was slander! Viserys is 100% team Targaryen and yet he does not begin to make Aegon’s intentions sound noble. Even though the Targaryen history books are FILLED with that kind of thing. Viserys also calls them “strangers” to Westeros which follows the narrative of this being an invasion. in fact the next section is even TITLED ‘invasion’

After this, we switch to Varys’ narration. As a narrator, he’s probs the most trustworthy as he is the most neutral. And HE adds in the suggestion that Aegon used the hands of the envoy sent to him by Argilac the arrogant were just a PRETEXT for the conquest he’d been planning for a long time. He wanted to rule the seven kingdoms and was just looking for an excuse to attack. He also suggests that Argilac the arrogant was surpassed by Aegon in arrogance. Not a great picture painted of Aegon.

3. “Before he was done, the rivers fields and skies would turn red” -- Varys on Aegon the conqueror. Continues to speak of this man like a villain. in sharp contrast to the ‘noble conqueror’ painted in Fire and Blood. Speaking of which, Aegon is the one who comes up with the words ‘Fire and Blood’ according to this video, which definetily makes him seem like he was hoping for some casual mass murder.

4. Obviously, Harren the Black and Argilac the Arrogant sucked. Totally not coming to their defense. But how are their deaths portrated. Well, Euron is given the chance to describe the death of Harren and he is CLEARLY turned on by the destruction of his ancestors which is a bad sign. It’s description is horrifying and the animation is dark. Obviously if Euron likes it, its supposed to be kind of freaky.

Argilac, however, is given a heroic final battle seeming almost noble. Orys Baratheon, the most humanized of all the conquerors, seems to respect him enough to take his sigil and words “out of respect”. We’ll talk more about how the characters are drawn later, but there’s a big difference between Orys and Aegon.

5. Jaime describes the field of fire and he himself looks VERY MUCH like Lorren Lannister. He stresses that Aegon had “no mercy”. But its no surprise that he hates Targaryens cause they have a bad history. But still, the Field of Fire is shot like a horrifying war scene and the Targaryens are again depicted as the villain. Thousands return home as “scarred monsters”.

Favorite line “Aegon had a fetish for collecting swords”.

6. Sansa narrates the bits about House Stark and House Stark is indisputidly depicted as heroes. Now, this isn’t surprising. Sansa is loyal to her house. But she implies that the north was different than the other kingdoms because they were focused on survival not power. There is focus for a lot of time on the white walkers and how it is a Stark problem to deal with and they are a greater threat than dragons.

She puts emphasis on how Starks are willing to make alliances for survival, regadless of pride as well. She seems to respect Torrhen Stark’s decision to kneel saying ‘he had no choice’. Aegon was offering a very ‘kneel or die’ message after all. The Starks would have died if they did not bow. But their swords are still taken for the throne!

The most ominous bit is this:

“The swords Aegon took from them were not twisted or mangled” - Sansa

“Yet” - Viserys, very ominously

What an ominous thing to throw in there Viserys!

7. Most unsettling display of Targaryen villainy happens in the Eyrie, narrated by Littlefinger. Queen Arryn arrives to see that Visenya is with her son, next to her dragon. Visenya doesn’t say it, but she is fully threatening the boy. You can see it by her smile which is just...oof. It’s scary. She clearly intends to kill him if his mother doesn’t give the crown. She has “no choice” and Littlefinger describes him as a “poor boy”. Visenya is clear villain in this. This is in HUGE contrast to the two women apparently relating and connecting with each other in Fire and Blood.

8. Viserys mocks the “religious” reasons for old town’s surrender suggesting that they knelt because otherwise everyone would die. This once again undercuts the idea that the septon saw some grand purpose for Aegon which is suggested in Fire and Blood. The septon is just afraid, again, according to Viserys the number one Targaryen fanboy. Bonus: calls the north savages because Targaryens are better than everyone~~ He even calls the Targaryens the "Greatest dynasty ever.” when Aegon is crowned.

9. But after Aegon’s victory, the neutral Varys comes in to remind us of the Dorne failure. Rather than making Rhaenys seem unflapable and invincible as Fire and Blood did, Varys suggested that the yellow toad of Dorne SCARED Rhaenys. And later on, of course, Rhaenys gets taken down. Dorne really is painted as the heroic underdogs of this scene. and emphasis is placed on the fact that Aegon and Visenya set every city on fire except sunspear. If there HAD been people there, they would all be dead. Fire and Blood indeed.

10. We skip right from the conquest to the Dance of Dragons.

“With no enemies left they started fighting each other.” - Viserys

This defs doesn’t sound like the centuries of peace and prosperity that Dany talked about. This video is focused ENTIRELY on the wars of the Targaryens and not the good things or building of infrastructure. No mention of Jahaerys the concilitator at all. Instead we focus on Aegon, Maegar, the Dance, Aegon the Unworthy and the Mad King. All the very worst Targaryens. And there are lots of good things the Targaryens did! But instead of focusing on that, the show focuses on the war, which means they know that Dany’s line about “centuries of peace” is wrong.

Bonus, we have more of Viserys arguing for blood purity and that Targaryens are SPECIAL and that they would have been fine if Aegon didn’t legitimize so many dirty half breed bastards.

11. The greatest Targaryen threat, however, is madness (according to Jaime who saw the Mad King first hand). We bring up that line again: “Every time a Targaryen is born the gods flip a coin”

“We put up with Aerys hoping Rhaegar would be better but then he also proved mad when he took Lyanna Stark”

This does not place Rhaegar as the sane, good sibling most people do. Instead, it also paints him in a negative light. Which, this is Jaime, so take it with a grain of salt. But he actually never hated Rhaegar so yeah...

12. Jaime is so bitter about Ned condemning him and it’s kinda funny. I love Nikolaj narration

“I saw what Ned Stark couldn’t. Robert was ashamed of the bodies of the children... and more ashamed at his relief. Glorious heroes didn’t kill children. They simply didn’t punish their murderers” - Jaime being smart with one of my fave lines.

He clearly sees things as they are. He doesn’t like the Targaryens but he also doesn’t elevate Robert as a god. Jaime doesn’t believe in heroes and it shows here.

13. Then we end with a particularly ominous note.

“One day I’ll return and repay all traitors with the only coin my family knows. Fire and blood” - Viserys. 

These are the last words in the video. A threat. It really does not paint the Targaryens as tragic characters pushed out of their rightful throne.

And this is where I want to talk about the character drawings. Every pose from the original three dragons (Aegon and sisters) is the most villainous thing in the world and the music behind their conquest is intense and dark. Their faces are often lowered but with their eyes glaring up and shrouded in shadow. Their smiles are sharp. Their body language is arrogant. It is victims of the conquest like Lorren and Torrhen who are given more humanized designs.

On the Targaryen side of things, the most humanized design belongs to Orys Baratheon who has much kinder eyes and a more open expression. And the there’s Viserys and Daenerys at the end who look like scared children more than anything. But the Targaryen dynasty that is their birth right doesn’t appear to start out on a great foot.

This kinda all backs up my point that if Daenerys wants to break the wheel, she will have to reject and correct the legacy of her family. The show clearly does not view Aegon as a great hero. So if they mean for Daenerys to be a hero, I hope they have her recognize the history and take steps to correct it (maybe even destroy the iron throne, plz?) And if she doesn’t recognize her history or tries to emulate Aegon, she could be headed down a bad path.

I love the Targaryen family because, like lots of my favorite Westeros families, they are SCREWED UP and have lots of interesting characters, and I look forward to exploring them more in my Fire and Blood post. But if anything, this video just backs up my thesis about unreliable history and what Dany will have to do if she wants to be a good ruler. Break that wheel! It was forged in fire and blood!

#game of thrones #house targaryen #fire and blood #daenerys targaryen #Jaime Lannister #Varys #viserys targaryen #sansa stark #Aegon Targaryen #game of thrones season 7 #game of thrones season 8 #game of thrones meta

[tyrus-time]

Lyric Analysis, TJ/Cyrus

I’m gonna give my analysis/interpretation of a few songs from my Tyrus playlist. Buckle up, friends...

(I’ve linked to their Genius lyric pages btw)

"Must Have Done Something Right” by Relient K

I’ve already posted about this song & I’ve seen other people express the same sentiment but it needs to be said again! It’s such a cute bop and the lyrics are on point. Some highlights:

We should get jerseys 'Cause we make a great team But yours would look better than mine 'Cause you're outta my league

We all know Cyrus loves making cute shirts, posters, etc. so this is really cute and perfect for them.

If anyone can make me a better person you could All I gotta say is I must've done something good I came along one day and you rearranged my life All I gotta say is I must've done something right

I imagine TJ saying this about Cyrus. Because seriously, if anyone could redeem “toxic TJ Kippen,” it’s Cyrus. Pretty self-explanatory?

Maybe I'm just lucky, cause it's hard to believe Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me And I know that it's so cliche to talk about you this way But I'll push all my inhibitions aside

These can be interpreted both ways for TJ and Cyrus, because they are a lil bit of an unexpected couple (wholesome gay jock/nerd pairings aren’t seen very often) ... I’m sure they both feel lucky to be with each other, and they both get v cheesy about their feelings, but it doesn’t matter if it’s cliche bc they’re both so smitten, okay? And neither of them hold back around each other.

It's so very obvious to everyone watching us That we have got something real good going on

So I guess it’s not obvious to the T*ffy shippers [eyeroll] but the Tyrus chemistry is pretty darn obvious. And this song perfectly matches the wholesome, joyful young love that TJ and Cyrus show for each other.

“Someone to You” by BANNERS

OOF, THIS SONG. This song makes me particularly emo bc its on S1 of “The Bold Type” and [spoilers] it plays when Kat realizes she wants to commit to a relationship with Adena - her first actual relationship with anyone. It’s a really beautiful, powerful moment about realizing how much someone means to you, and you wanting to be someone to them. So, with that context, I think this song works beautifully for Tyrus -- I specifically interpret it from TJ’s perspective.

I don't wanna die or fade away I just wanna be someone  

This can relate to TJ’s wanting to stand out by being a star basketball player. He lashes out at Buffy bc he doesn’t want to “fade away” or be upstaged by her

And if you feel the great dividing I wanna be the one you're guiding 'Cause I believe that you could lead the way

TJ realizes Cyrus is a truly kind, helpful person, especially after the scene when Cyrus comforts TJ at the game; “there’s nothing wrong with you.” TJ appreciates and desires this guidance from Cyrus (and TJ offers a different form of guidance to Cyrus, too! We stan a mutually supportive relationship)

I just wanna be somebody to someone, oh I wanna be somebody to someone, oh I never had nobody and no road home I wanna be somebody to someone

I imagine that TJ hasn’t had very close connections with his peers, as evidenced by how standoffish he seems to be towards every except Cyrus. (Remember when Marty said at try-outs?) TJ seems to be ‘bros’ with some other guys from the team, but I have the feeling that he isn’t very vulnerable with them in the way he’s been with Cyrus already. SO, TJ wants to have a deep, human connection with someone - Cyrus specifically - instead of just performing the persona of the mean jock.

And if the sun's upset and the sky goes cold Then if the clouds get heavy and start to fall I really need somebody to call my own I wanna be somebody to someone Someone to you

The artist himself annotates these lyrics with this explanation:  “This is really about wanting to lift people up when they’re down, and I suppose having someone to do the same for you.” Need I say more?

“Tear in My Heart” by Twenty One Pilots

Another song that could work from both perspectives, but I imagine specificaly from TJ’s! You will notice a pattern: I am in love with the whole “Cyrus helping TJ emotionally and TJ being both smitten and deeply grateful for Cyrus”

Sometimes you gotta bleed to know That you’re alive and have a soul But it takes someone to come around To show you how

TJ acts pretty heartless, or rather “soul-less,” when we first encounter him with Buffy. But it turns out that his callous exterior is a wall that he’s put up to prevent anyone else from seeing his insecurities (such as his problems with math, thinking of himself as “stupid”). However, Cyrus is able to “come around” and “show [TJ] how” to open up, be vulnerable, and accept his flaws. It is painful to open up in this way, but it is very healing, and TJ is able to really come “alive” when he’s around Cyrus.

The chorus builds off this -- [H]e’s the tear in my heart / I’m alive

Take me higher / than I’ve ever been can be a fun, literal reference to swinging up high on the swings. I’m cheesy and I won’t apologize!

And then, the “outro” is probably my favorite part of the song:

My heart is my armor She’s the tear in my heart She’s a carver She’s a butcher with a smile Cut me farther Than I’ve ever been

My heart is my armor refers to TJ having that hardened heart as an emotional defense mechanism. And Cyrus -- the tear in his heart, aka the person who cracks open TJ’s hard shell -- is the only who can soften TJ up. 

[H]e’s a butcher with a smile / Cut me farther than I’ve ever been -- Cyrus' smile cuts through TJ’s hard exterior to get to the most vulnerable part of him, allowing TJ to be more vulnerable -- and thus, more completely loved and accepted -- than ever before. 

"Never Give Up On Me” by MisterWives

Okay this one is actually more a Cyrus song (but again, it applies to both because they both support each other so well). I can imagine TJ trying to help Cyrus with more things from the List, and Cyrus experiences some difficulty --

I crash and burn asking you to look away I crash and burn wondering why it is that you stay I know it isn't pretty how I can't handle everything But you never give up on me

Cyrus becomes a sweaty, anxious mess. He can’t believe how supportive TJ is through it all. But TJ never gives up on him :3

When you love me so damn good I know I will get better When you hold me so damn good I know I will get better

[...] How is it that you never give up on me?

Pretty straightforward message about a supportive and reassuring relationship.  ♥

"Love Like You” by Rebecca Sugar (Steven Universe End Credits)

Literally this whole song. I can’t even pick favorite lyrics; it’s all so perfect. 

@spidaerman this is prob more than you bargained for, but I’ve got a lot of feelings okAY

#agh i finally finished this. too longgg #i tried adding tyrus gifs to this post but it didnt work U-U #reblogs appreciated! #tyrus #analysis #tyrus playlist #andi mack #cyrus goodman #tj kippen #mine #long post

[angeltonic]

<3 Soft Bias Tag <3

I was tagged by @neorithic aka Rose (thanks bub <3)

I don't know the rules and which bias you’re supposed to talk about but my first ever bias out of everyone was Vernon! So I thought I'd talk about him, my #1, the love of my life.

Here we goooooo 🍃

Who is your bias: Vernon 💕

What made you notice them: Svt was the first group I've really been a fan of, kpop wise. My friend showed me Adore U and Mansae back in 2015 and she pointed out Vernon to me first. I remember seeing him in his long brown hair and bandana and I said: "heck, he's adorable and now Im trapped."

what's your favorite thing about them: My go-to answer would be all of him, as he's quite literally one of my favorite people to ever exist (🙁💕) But the one thing that sticks out is his open-mindedness and perspective on the world. I feel like he's aware of society's faults and where people could improve. To me, he would also be very willing to learn more about the plights of people with different experiences from the ones he's had. I think he would be like that when it comes to anything, really, which is why I think he's very open-minded. He's up for new experiences and challenges, and would be down to learn about anything and everything.

who would initiate skinship more:   (Oh boy, I'm getting soft) I think it would definitely be me, Vernon doesn't strike me as a very physically affectionate person. But I ❤love❤ physical contact, hand holding, hugging, etc. So I feel like I'd be the one leading that department.

who would hog the blankets more:   I know for a fact that I am the most lifeless sleeper in the world. I dont move at all or make any noise what so ever BUT I do love sleeping all cosy and stuff so I just might take a little bit extra from his side.

who would be more clingy:    Im not a clingy person, I do like affection but I wouldnt describe it as clinginess. But I feel like I would miss being around him easier than he would miss being around me, if that makes sense? I'd probably start feeling it in like a week of not seeing him but he probably wont until a little afterwards.

who would say I love you first:     I think I have a lot of love and affection to give, so maybe me? BUT relationships also scare the living fuck out of me, so I'd very much be terrified, which would lead me to possibly not saying anything for a long time. I also think that he's the kind of person where saying I love you is a really big deal, like he really really needs to build that relationship and trust first before anything, so that would delay it for a while too. But I'd probably crack first to be very honest.

who would be more easily flustered:    Oh Christ, I feel like the both of us?? Vernon's ridiculously awkward and so am I. So I think we would make each other flustered and probably joke about it afterwards 😌

What cuddling position would you two have:   You can never go wrong with a good ol' spooning. Im super willing to be either big or little spoon so I dont mind, though I think he might prefer big spoon. I would also not mind him laying on me to be honest? Like on my chest, while I play with his hair. Also, technically not a cuddling position, but I love when people put their head on my lap! Like aw :( thank you for trusting me with your noggin.

which colors remind you of them and why:   One of the things that attract me the most about Vernon is his seemingly calm energy. Simply put, he seems like a super chill guy and I, the Queen of overthinking/anxiety, really need that opposite in my life. This makes me associate him with colors that are calming to me such as: light blue, white, forest green, soft grey, etc.

which season would you like to spend with them:   Literally all of them, my whole life’s worth of seasons. Heck, even my afterlife. But I feel like my favorite would be summer. To me, Vernon feels like the best friend you'd fall in love with and what better season to spend with your best friend than summer, where you're free to make all the memories you want? I think we would do a lot of hanging out in backyards, going to arcades, catching up on some webtoons in the middle of the day while eating some ice cream, or movie nights where we spend time in a fort that took us like 2 hours to make because my perfectionist Virgo mind couldn't get over the pillows being positioned a certain way or something, exploring the city or going to a completely different place we've never been to, outside of the city. I would also take him to all of my family bbqs in Connecticut, where I can teach him how to dance bachata as my mom and tias marvel at the fact that he's at least trying.

who would bake cookies and who would steal the batter:  I think it would be something we do together after spending a few hours at one of our houses. Eventually, it's gonna be baking time. I would mix everything, while he takes little bits out of the bowl cause we know he's usually the type to eat ANYTHING first and then when I try to scold him about salmonella he giggles and offers me some. I, weak and fragile for the boy, accept his offer and pretend to be mad about it.

which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react: LISTEN, half of my humor is made of puns. Now, Vernon is either the King of Reactions or the King of Barely Having a Reaction. I feel like if it was a good one he'd laugh with that silly ass laugh of his and high five me but if it kinda sucked he'd probs chuckle at me with a disapproving look on his face tbh.

which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a poptart and who come to the rescue:    V E R N O N. Definitely, Vernon. And then I would run in there, with my heart beating out of my chest because for fuck'sake Vernon, our lease isn't even up yet and you almost burned the place to ashes.

who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back:   I love, love, LOVE high places, so I would lean first. He'd then come over and lean with me but he'd pull away first and would have to drag me away too ://

what would you watching a horror film with them be like:   I love watching horror movies for the simple fact that I find them hilarious and usually laugh throughout the entire thing. At first, I think he'd be like?? why are you laughing?? someone's literally being dragged down to hell in front of us and you're giggling about it? But after he gets used to it, I feel like we'd make really good commentary that leaves us in giggle fits most of the time. Unless he's really really immersed, I wouldnt wanna disrupt something he really likes.

who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt:   I cant flirt for the life of me, I literally dont know, I cant function. I feel like if I tried I'd definitely be cheesy though. As for Vernon, he's also super awkward as I said, so he'd jokingly try to be smooth but it just ends up being cheesy and really funny.

who is more competitive:    I dont associate Vernon with competitiveness at all, he seems like he's just in it to have a good time, with good people. I'm like that too for the most part. But if we're talking Uno, Scrabble, Jeopardy, or Kahoot, Im tearing him a new one.

who would have to be given constant reminders:   I feel like we'd remind each other of things but I would remind him to do simpler things like tidy up the room, or that it's his turn to do the dishes and where the keys are. Whereas, I think he'd have to remind me of things that I forget when I get too caught up in my head like eating properly, sleeping well, and knowing when to stop and enjoy my life.

who sends memes and who sends cute Im miss you text at 3 am:   We both send memes, are you kidding. That'll be most of our chat history, I'd have a whole folder just dedicated to ones I can use in conversation with him. I feel like I'd send the 3 am I miss you texts a lot more often, cause not only am I a super emo cancer moon but I get extra affectionate after like 1 am for WHATEVER reason. Though, I think he'd surprise me with one out of blue because I sure as hell wasnt expecting that from him. But I also think he'd find other ways of showing you he misses you without saying it. He seems like the type where you need to learn how he shows his love through his actions because he wont really do it with words.

And that's the end of that! I rambled so much I'm so so so sorry but I love Vernon with my whole heart and could ramble about him for hours.

Thanks again to Rose for tagging me!! I had a lot of fun.

Im tagging my mother dearest @bright-hao , @tuanm , @jonisuh , @agustminpd  

and anyone else who sees this and wants to give it a go <3

#feel free to do this if you want guys <33 and I cant wait to read them if you do #and if we've never talked before #hi!! I hope you're okay with me tagging you and if not please tell me! I totally wont if it makes you uncomfy #but I hope you have fuuun if you want to do this! #hvc #tag

[jungnoir]

wait, I love voltron too I wanna hear your rant LOL 》🌙💫

you… you’re gonna regret that LOL i’m so sorry abt this

i’m super obsessed with allura and keith so they’re who i’m gonna talk abt rn but i have something to say abt all of the paladins and i’ll save u that pain to read thru

but listen keith’s character has been so muddled due to fanon getting mixed in with canon to the point where some ppl literally talk about him like they haven’t watched the same show that i have. he gets reduced to a clingy pining mess that is physically incapable of existing for himself except to validate ships or be used as a comfort to other characters. at this point, it almost feels like no one really realizes how much keith is suffering? his pain is watered down due to the whole “keith’s an emo who has never had a strong relationship with anyone ever” idea and it ruins the canon version of him i love so much

like keith has a tough exterior and his solo vlog proved this. he’s scared of letting ppl in because of the loss of his mother and father and shiro has been in his life the longest so he trusts him the most but you know with these last few seasons, I’ve really seen him start to open up to allura a bit too? as well as the other paladins?? it’s hard for keith to get attached to a solid “family” because he hasn’t had one for a long time and he’s always ready for ppl to leave

can you believe keith is so considerate that he’s so torn between finding his family, finding out where he came from and keeping to his duty as a voltron paladin? remember in season one when pidge tried to leave voltron to find her dad and brother and keith scolded her for putting the entire universe at risk for two people? imagine how conflicted he felt, after finding out abt his galra blood, and knowing that now he wanted to do the exact thing pidge wanted to but knowing he had duties and an obligation as a paladin to help voltron. keith hates the idea of being the “new leader” of voltron because he is so scared to have so many ppl depend on him after years of relying on himself only. keith is not a wounded lovesick puppy. keith is a lone wolf, but when he finds his pack he’s loyal to the bone. you see that in how much he trusts shiro

and u bet if i bring up keith i’m bringing up his dynamic with allura because it has been demonized so much that it literally boils my blood

ppl say that allura is a bitch and that the way she reacted to finding out keith was galra was evil and while i can understand that ppl were upset with how she isolated keith after finding out (i too was upset, but not at her. rather at their situation and the misunderstandings there), ppl don’t seem to see how human this is for her to do??? this whole time leading up to this realization, she’s been able to comfortably pair galra + evil. after having her family, friends, and whole planet destroyed at the hands of the galra she has Every Right to hate them. in her mind, at this time, pairing galra + evil was fine because all the galra she knew had the same agenda as zarkon. then galra + evil got a new pairing: keith

like i said, she lost Everything. the only things she has left from her home is the castle ship and coran. she’s a teenager who was forced to sleep by her father in the midst of a war torn planet and woke up 10,000 years later to four teenagers and shiro telling her that all that was gone. that she didn’t even have a chance to save them. these five are all she has now, these five that are just as scared of what they’ve found themselves in the middle of. she has to put her fears away, ignore the teenager inside her that wants to cry and scream and disappear because she has to be a princess now. she has to be refined and diplomatic and she has to be seamless because the paladins trust her, and if they even get a feeling that she’s as scared as they are then all hopes of reviving voltron will be lost. no matter how awkward, allura has formed a bond with each paladin in some way

so you can imagine how shocking it was for her to find out the very thing she’d been hating for so long was in the blood of one of the people she’d grown close to in her time of distress. she explodes

allura was harsh and angry but she never got a chance to be so before and now here she is, scared for the paladins, scared for the unknown, scared for what this means for voltron and the rest of the world. she saw honerva go to the other side, who is to say that keith wouldn’t do the same? zarkon was prob like an uncle to allura as a baby. someone she saw often, someone who was around her from the moment she was brought into the world and now this person was a monster. how was she supposed to be so sure keith wouldn’t let his blood get to him?

but she also does something. she realizes she’s wrong. and she makes herself vulnerable. allura, the diplomatic princess of a planet taken from her, making herself vulnerable to keith and embracing him in a time of inner turmoil for the both of them. she set aside her hatred of the galra and broke the idea that all galra were the same, chose to ignore her faulty generalization to comfort the paladin she had become close to in such little time. and keith recognized that

you can see how keith values allura’s opinions, and also values her enough to see when her rationalization goes awry and when she gets so caught up in emotions that she is blinded. he offers her advice and his personal feelings about a situation so softly like he isn’t angry at her for what she’s feeling, but maybe she could see it from a different perspective. he becomes levelheaded with her

really this is just a rant abt how keith and allura are so much more than the popular fanon view and that allura has shown so much of herself in every episode and so has keith. their development is amazing and i love that keith has really started to grow and form strong relationships with the paladins and allura + coran. keith and allura needed a family and now they have one

#again i'm so sorry lol this was so long winded #i have my issues with fandom... it just makes me sad that the show has become so mangled #don't get me started on fans that have threatened voice actors bc of ships and whatnot #writers + voice actors don't deserve to be told to die because the way they view the characters is different from the fan's view #it's a tv show.... #anywho LOL who's excited for season 5 friday #majanswers #moon anon

[dancekickboxcardio]

I have so much to say. Apparently, weird has this way of changing your perspective. It doesn’t mean your personality has altered over time. You want the 1 million point of difference only an experienced stud 👩🏼‍🎓 would know. It only means something is done ✅ differently. Yes, you have to sort of have this acceptance knowing that it somehow fits within the way you see yourself.

This is why it’s weird. I wore the exact same thing like down to the underwear. You are gross yourself. Insane. I changed my hair 💇🏼‍♀️. There is a promo for chopping mane. It’s two weeks early on sched 📅. My Dad said don’t worry 😉 about it. He’s paying 💵. It doesn’t makes a difference. Ok, fine like I am not going to get eye 👁 check up discount 🏷. But I care about handling finances 🔣🔢. Who gives a hoot, your accounting ✍🏾 and what shows on your bank 🏦 statement doesn’t match. Don’t give a fudge. You are not making cash for other people. Yeah, I don’t work. It’s not like you used up all your retirement for an endeavor and have nothing left for other basics like medical 🏥 bills , car repairs 🔧🔩 etc. Oh, you want me to cover the difference so you meet your needs. Well, well, you are a piece of ray of sunshine ☀️. You are as desperate as delusional. But yeah, you appear wealthy. There you go. Hard earned money double job. Don’t tell me you have nothing to do on a terrible credit.

I woke up to use the bathroom and got up again to give my Mom my grocery 🛒 list. I couldn’t go back to bed 🛏. I was groggy 🥴 and didn’t think 🤔 I’ll be up because I probably fell asleep 💤 between 1 and 2. Rest is important ⚠️ esp if you train. I am not sure what to do with myself. I need to wash 🧽 dishes, I could get my hair done 💁🏼‍♀️. I was thinking 💭 of something else too. It escapes me but it’s like at the top of my tongue 😛 . My consciousness has it, it’s just not in forefront executive thinking.

I had, I shouldn’t surprise 😯 myself an off beat day yesterday. I know I am not all there edgy sharp. That’s ok. In fact, afternoon, I was smiling 😀 at the girls who look 👀 like they were making a music 🎶 video exercising in the studio. Then, I was thinking to myself. This is the funny 😁 part. I either can’t open the door 🚪 because I am opening the wrong way or I missed the door and almost hit my face on it not paying attention. It makes for a good caught on tape 🎥 moment. Straight from a comedy movie 🍿. I mean when you need me, I am performing. Yet, I didn’t pack utensils 🍴. There was a seeming ridiculous story about how they keep the stuff behind the kitchen counter and you have to buy 💲💲💲💲💲💲 something. No, it’s not free. I was going to joke the day before to a kid albeit sick that charging his phone 📱 costs him a dollar 💵 . I needed to eat breakfast 🍳. I asked for spoon 🥄. They said their stuff is special. Oooooh 👻. No, seriously, health conscious ritzies love 💕 it that their thing is expensive and it helps the earth 🌏. Apparently, people were stealing the plastic forks, knife etc that stay in the landfills for thousands of years. Ugh 😑 , this vegaware is like you can put in a compost. “Heal the world 🗺. Make it a better place.” 🎵

The place was quiet 🤫 yesterday. I quipped with the lifeguard, it’s a Friday. Ah, I love 💗 the pleasant 70 weather ☀️ ⛅️. Before I forget I have to mention that I didn’t realize I was tuned 🎼 in to oldies music. I swear I chose L.A Kiss 💋 FM 📻. Yeah, don’t flatter yourself. I didn’t change it for the heck of it. I liked this song 🎤.

The foodie 🥗 was my first actual purchase 💳 from the café to get something to use to pick up my food 🥘. Am I suppose to slurp the yogurt 🍦? I stayed a little longer outside since it’s not hot 🥵 like it’s going to be 80s and 90s this week. I remem when my paternal grandpa 👴🏻 died we went around and visit relatives and not work on our trip ✈️. I was playing out in the backyard, baseball ⚾️ with my cousins. I have issue with Ohio summer. I have a sensitive reaction. One way ticket 🎟 😒 on debt. Please don’t make me laugh 😆. I was out by the pool 🏊🏻‍♀️ 2.5 hours longer ⏱. I was like, “Let’s tweet 📱 nicely outside.” I went to bathroom often which makes sense because feeling faint 😨 I drank a lot of water 💦 and yes, your body has it’s own clock work mechanism. It doesn’t care whether you want to go or not. I fell asleep 😴 on my belly, Thank God. I had a great discussion with Mary the yoga 🧘🏼‍♀️ instructor. She was strict, tough and very good in teaching the practice. My FNP friend goes peptobismol and she said heat exhaustion. I found the alternative simple solution by the master yogi palatable. Lemon 🍋 on water 💦. I told her, without a doubt, I am having orthostatic pressure probs. I checked my BP last night. It was within range. But folding in half, yes, I know I am aware I am out of breath than usual, all the symptoms were back nausea 🤢, headache 🤕, feeling of pallidness. This might be the primary issue. Yet, the changes in weather patterns I feel is also concomitant. I didn’t lift 💪🏾 🦵🏾. It was my plan. I waited for my Mom and watch stupid 📺 TV. I saw Ahmed and said hi 👋🏾.

Someone wants to make out 😻😽.

I am eating 🍽 outside of my recommended diet. I am hungry 😋. I should have breakfast 🍳.

[bees-for-the-wildmother]

A Dragon and an Amazon Watching The 100 - Season Five, Episode Two: “Red Queen.”

So, I said I was going to write this blog series and I’m going to try to keep it up, even though my mind is going in a million directions at once.  Yay for end of the semester and job application at the same time.  Anyway, we had a blast, per usual, watching The 100 and live texting each other.  It pays to have friends who are equally obsessed with the show.  And now for the highlights of our viewing.

*Niylah gives Octavia book* (oh gods, my memory, I’m pretty sure that’s who did it) Me:  I’m too much of a nerd.  First instinct:  Ew.  I don’t like that translation. Becca:  Lol.  Oh Shelby. *Kane and Abby hear someone outside* Me:  They’re hearing Clarke! Becca:  But Clarke really should have used her mad digging skills [referring to her digging out the rover so quickly] Me:  For reals.  If she has all the time in the world, I mean, find some rope, tie it around the big stuff, put the rover in reverse. Me:  Though that does lend an interesting perspective.  That those in the bunker know that they can’t get out.  I wasn’t expecting that. Me:  # Throwback.  Five years to figure it out.  Five months (give or take) or oxygen left on the Ark. Becca:  I figured they wouldn’t try to get out for five years.  And woah.  Another season of repeats.

*On Miller/Jackson* Me:  I’d prefer Minty, but there’s the whole space and bunker thing.  And Harper.  But I want Miller to be happy and I actually have some connection to/knowledge of Jackson. Unlike Bryan. *different scene, same topic* Becca:  I don’t like that ship.  “Nathan” Becca:  It’s the age thing Me:  It just didn’t progress.  It’s like season five, boom they’re together when we saw nothing of it before. Me:  I’ve always seen Jackson as young 20s (not quite a full doctor at the beginning of the show, just stepping it up on the ground) and Miller as basically 18.  Probs not much different than Bell and Clarke. *different scene, same topic* Becca:  WHAT?  It’s been 46 days and they’re in LOVE??? Me:  Okay.  I wanted to watch Miller/Jackson DEVELOP!  Not this shit.  What the fuck?!?!?

*On Octavia* Becca: Why is Octavia’s hair not braided? Me:  Lincoln’s not there to do it for her. Me:  Sorry.  I had to go there.  I couldn’t help myself. Becca:  Maybe I’m remembering wrong, but I feel like O’s character is a lot different than last season? Becca:  Old O would understand the necessity of killing as a consequence.  She seems much more tame now. Me:  True...I’ve been chalking it up to flashbacks (wc?) to the Ark.  She’s used to being trapped somewhere with no windows.  But now, for the first time in her life, she’s in charge, in control.  She gets to make the choices.  And she doesn’t want to make the one’s that caused her to be trapped under the floor or the ones that floated her mom. *different scene, same topic* Me:  Are you happy now?  Octavia’s gone on a killing rampage. Becca:  Actually yeah.  It’s more in her character. Me:  I think she could be trying to channel Bell in the beginning.  She was asking him for advice on how to lead on their last phone call. Becca:  True. But she has a better understanding of the grounders than he ever did.  I don’t hate her right now.  Weird. Me:  I read this really insightful post about her that made me not hate her.  it talked about how if the story was told from her perspective, with her as the main character, we would all sympathize with her a lot more. Becca:  I like that.  I do kinda understand her a little better now. Me:  I know!  It was just so insightful to think of it that way.   It’s definitely a protagonist’s storyline:  trapped under the floor until age 16, being jailed for it, finally arriving on the ground and tasting freedom for the first time, meeting a mysterious stranger and falling in love, learning how to be a warrior and fight for yourself, having that love ripped from you and leaving you devastated, trying to find yourself again, and ending up the leader of all the people. Me:  Total protagonist plotline.  But because we saw it from the side, we focused instead on how Bellamy just wanted to protect her, but she never saw that, only him stopping her from doing what she wanted.  We saw her as the bratty little sister who doesn't appreciate her self-sacrificing big brother. Becca:  Why has this taken me 5 seasons to understand???? Me:  I just figured it out in the hiatus, so don’t feel too bad.  But seriously, that post was mind-blowing.

*On the conclave (at the end)* Becca:  Wait, so is this for fun now? Or still punishment? Me:  I’m guessing punishment. Kane wouldn’t be in there for fun.  But, like in Rome, gladiator fights have become a spectator sport. Becca:  Glad she’s honoring Bell somehow. Don’t know if he’d approve though. Me:  Same thought exactly.  Like the thought of the nod to ancient Rome (???), but be a little horrified at what’s happening (?)

#The 100 #The 100 spoilers #A Dragon and an Amazon Watching The 100 #It was a lot of character talk this time #But still very much enjoyable

[prettykissesuglylies]

You know...

I try to look at things from the perspective of my father’s untreated mental illness (probs bipolar of some kind, as my sister has been diagnosed with the same and it tends to run in families). I try to be sympathetic to the fact that what’s happening to him is not only affecting us. It’s affecting him. It’s affecting the very way he thinks and making him turn against himself and against us and everything he really cares about. I try to remember that when he tell my mother to go to hell behind her back, or accuses us of talking about him behind his back, or makes something else that is not about him, about him. At the very least if it’s not a mental illness it’s some kind of trauma response. But it is so hard to be sympathetic to someone who is systematically emotionally abusing you and your entire family, and then asks you to validate him as a person and a father every time his feelings get hurt because of his own actions, recent or in the distant past.

Trying to be sympathetic to my abuser isn’t something I should have to do, but I’m walking this thin line between “he is doing this terrible thing on purpose” and “he is doing this terrible thing because of an illness.”

At what point am I allowed to give up trying to help him? He doesn’t want help. My entire family has begged him to see a mental health professional. My mother has threatened to institutionalize him it’s gotten so bad at points. I’m the only one who can answer that question for me, so I’m not looking for advice. I just don’t have any idea how to start thinking about the answer and what it means for him. On one hand, if someone abandoned their parent because of a health crisis, that would be terrible, but we’ve stood by my father through a disabling surgery and through all his push to keep going despite it. We’ve stood by him for every knocked down wall and placed piece of fucking sod that nearly killed him. We have been there for every single one of his breakdowns, outbursts, full on blow ups. He is breaking down emotionally and he won’t accept any of our help. My brother has started having anxiety attacks because of it. My mother is never relaxed. I’m out of the house at university and never really have to see him except during the summers and it still concerns me. All the time. We are all constantly walking on egg shells with him and he keeps living in these two penultimates of delusion where the entire world hates and is against him or we’re one big happy family. I’m the best at playing my part. I’ve always been a family mediator when I wasn’t an outright instigator, but I am so fucking tired. We are all so goddamn tired. We can’t relax in our own home because he won’t get help, because he’s too proud to get help. Because he’s 60+ years old and he grew up when therapy was for “quacks.” Because he’s the man of the house and men are supposed to just... carry their burdens always? Until they die?

It makes me feel so bad when I wish that he would just die and leave us alone already, but I feel so hopeless that that’s the only thing I think will end it. When it’s just me, mom and my brother, we’re like an actual functional family. It’s crazy the night and day difference that we are when it’s us in the room and when he’s there. And he sees that he’s being excluded and it pisses him off, but it pisses me off when he takes a happy moment and he makes it about him. It pisses me off that he can’t got 20 minutes with a subtle barb at my liberal beliefs or racism, or lgbt+ things. It pisses me off when we’re watching a sweet family movie and he says something like “wouldn’t it be funny if someone just shot him right between the eyes” and then gets mad when we get mad because he ruined the mood.

All my siblings are fucked up, me included even though everyone thinks I’m this perfect little angel. And it’s not just because of him, but if I had had a father that was emotionally supportive for more than just his own gain, maybe I could have come out more well socially adjusted. I started quitting things because I didn’t want to be his bargaining chip. All I wanted was for my dad to be proud of me to my face and instead he just talked about how proud he was on Facebook.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my dad because he’s not a shitty person. He’s just a shitty roommate and a shitty father and a shitty husband. I don’t know if I’m wrong for thinking something is wrong with him. Maybe he doesn’t have a mental illness and I just wish he did so I coul say “it’s not his fault.”

Except it is his fault. It’s his fault that he turns his back on us as soon as the emotional labor gets tough. It’s his fault that he never took the time to learn to be supportive. It’s his fault that he choose to have kids and then proceeded to never change a single diaper and be proud of it.

You know what. He’s a shitty father to me, and maybe he needs help, but it’s not my job to sacrifice my own mental health to give it to him. I’m his daughter, not his therapist, and I can’t keep pretending I am. I’m not qualified to teach him how to deal with his emotions. I can barely deal with me own. If he doesn’t want help, that’s not my problem anymore. Once I’m done here, I’m moving out and I will be back for holidays and special occasions only until he gets his shit together or die.

I don’t come home to see my dad. I come home to see the rest of my family. I think they’ll understand it I don’t show up that often. They’ve met him.

#girl gets on her soap box and proclaims her problems to the world