#my physical disability is getting worse

[ashfallsdown]

I’m tired of the world praising me for surviving

When it’s the very same world that keeps me dying.

#negative #poetry #disability #progressive disability #chronic illness #idk #my physical disability is getting worse #as in #alarmingly so #and it’s exhausting as an extreme trauma survivor #because people will act so proud of me for being able to appear ‘functional’ after everything #meanwhile I can feel myself getting sicker and sicker #and I can’t keep doing this #but if I admit that I can’t then it will turn to sneering and calling me lazy #and I’m scared for when it breaks and there’s something we can’t force our way through #and what that will do to everything I’ve tried so hard to get to #anyway #the world sucks #I’m not going to get all the way better physically or mentally ever no matter what #but I could be better than I am now #and I could get better than I can in my current situation #or at least stop getting worse maybe #but I don’t even get to try it and see

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice #i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever #ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame #gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :< #i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely- #-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things. #i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly' #i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now #months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child. #i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m #but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake. #i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is #i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again #this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life- #will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often #college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye #i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me

[boywifesammy]

i absolutely love the permanent injury wincest fics on ao3 and my brain is going BUCKWILD thinking about possible plot points to write…

imagine. the car accident at the end of season 1, but sam ends up with severe injuries & brain damage. john still makes the deal for dean’s life. he whispers to dean that this was for the best, keep him safe, and if you need to, kill him, and dean knows he’s talking about sam, unresponsive and comatose in the other room. then john dies and leaves dean behind with sam. sam wakes up disoriented and confused. he’s lost a lot of speech ability, and use of his legs. after his dad dying in the hospital, dean is in a rush to get them both out before whatever got him gets around to them too.

so he takes sam to bobby’s. sam uses crutches and can’t form full sentences and has emotional outbursts at the littlest of things. it’s not the put together sam that dean knows, hell, it’s more like the whiny, teenage sam from his childhood who was full of piss and vinegar and too much teenage angst to contain. it’s the repressed rage that sam holds coming out all at once. dean realizes that sam is actually extremely angry and frustrated inside, and this new shift in his mental ability is taking a big toll on him and making him feel worthless.

dean just lost his father, and lost so much of his brother as well, but sam still keeps him grounded. when he’s not working on baby, he’s in the house, helping sam around, feeding him, clothing him, talking with him for hours on end to keep him occupied. he’s all dean has left.

bobby is worried. he tells dean to get sam medical attention, that he needs speech and physical therapy, that he can’t be there for sam 24/7. dean denies it all. he says that if he isn’t there for sam, no one will be, because they’re all each other has left. sam is all that dean has left and he’s not letting him get hurt again.

keep sammy safe, dean’s heart says, but there’s that terrifying reminder of his father’s last words, kill him if you have to. dean can’t even fucking fathom why his father would tell him such a thing. he wanted him to kill sweet little sammy, who can’t string together a sentence and asks dean to make him pb&j’s for lunch. that’s who sam is to him now; the little boy from his childhood. it gives him something to do. something to focus on. keep sammy safe. dean needs purpose, direction, a task in life, and now his father is dead and his brother is hurt and what else is he except the caretaker?

dean doesn’t understand why his father would say that until the psychic episodes start. sam has awful migraines and premonition nightmares that he wakes up from crying and screaming, incoherently babbling about what he saw. and when he gets too overwhelmed or nervous, he’ll curl up into a ball, or scream, or cry, and the room will go to chaos. bottles flying, windows breaking, tables rattling, and this awful feeling in the air like sam is trying to rip dean’s lungs out of his chest. dean’s the only one who can calm sam down during his episodes. he gets even more protective of sam, much to bobby’s displeasure.

at this point, bobby is starting to get really worried. sam isn’t getting any better, if anything, he’s getting worse, constantly stressed and on edge, physically exhausted, angry with the world and angry that his body and mind won’t do what he tells them to. he’s worried about dean. dean who spends all his time with his little brother, calling him sammy and kiddo as he dresses him and feeds him and wipes the tears off his cheeks. it makes bobby feel sick. there’s just this… strange look in dean’s eyes. it’s love, sure, but it’s also obsession. absolute captivation. he looks at sam like he’s the whole damn world, and bobby’s worried that as far as dean is concerned, he is.

dean knows that sam lost a lot of cognitive and emotional ability. it’s why he treats sam like little sammy from when they were kids— something sam hated at first but begrudgingly learnt to accept— and it’s why he’s able to be so gentle and sweet with him in a way he could never be with his sam from before. but the thing is, sam’s still sam. he’s big and he’s a pain in dean’s ass and he’s so damn beautiful that it makes dean feel sick inside. so he indulges a little. he touches sam, strokes him a little during washroom breaks, and sam likes it. he’s pent up and frustrated and all he knows is that dean is safety and good feelings so it only makes sense that dean is making him feel good in another way. and dean convinces himself that sam would have always wanted this, and maybe he had, but there’s no way to know for sure. all dean knows is that they’re both safe, and happy, and that’s all that matters.

of course, bobby eventually finds out about it. that’s when all Hell breaks loose, and shit hits the fan.

this idea has been rattling around in my brain for a long long time now so pls let me know if it’s something you’d be interested in reading and i’ll throw it on my wip pile…

#oc #wincest #samdean #supernatural #spn #sam winchester #dean winchester #dubcon #please be aware #this is NOT an accurate or healthy depiction of disabilities #sam needs medical care and physical/mental therapy to relearn his body post-accident #he is not getting that and his condition is getting worse beacuse he doesn’t know how to handle this #dean is 100% infantilizing him for his own benefit #the only sane one here is bobby! #but yeah this has been on my mind for a while and i needed it out #i might write it… who knows.

[cripplepunk-salad]

Elevator nearly just broke again I HATE this stupid fucking school. Fuck. Hell if I wasn’t so busy I’d start a protest for how inaccessible this school is.

#actually disabled #queer cripple #cripple punk #cripplepunk #cpunk #physically disabled #fuck ableists #If anything gets worse fuck my hectic schedule I WILL do it

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Having a mental breakdown at work while smiling and teaching 😄

#star speaks #no because we had like two spirals last night #and then anxiety all night and then I made it worse :D #then I didn’t properly eat this morning and now I’m spiralling about five different things at once #and this is what I mean when I say PTSD is a physical disability because :D as soon as I get home and I don’t have to be at work #I’m going to be physically incapable of doing anything :D #I want to kms because it’s not even an environment problem it’s just my brain doing things #and being at work around a triggering co worker just started a new spiral #and I am taking five in the bathroom ^_^ #and now I’m scared to go out #but I have to #*grits teeth and mentally punches a wall*

[deus-ex-mona]

tfw you’re just trying to look up some current affairs and end up on a late night wikidive instead

#s. so. haze season has finally returned huh……. i completely forgot it was a thing tbh #can’t believe *the* haze has its own wikipage tbh… of all things to have a page why *that*??????? #and there are even pages for almost every year of haze. like lmaoooooooo who had this much free time to document it hello~~~~??? #but man~~~~~ i hope my bro’s doing aight in this with his military training and all… i hope they’re giving him sufficient water breaks #nah wait he’ll be fine. he’s physically fit. he can survive a workout in the haze… probably. provided it doesn’t get worse. ahaha……. #hm. but. anyways. stay safe and hydrate yourselves if you’re affected by *the* haze. drink water!!!!!!!!! #h e lp wait i forgot about the thank you for the clean air page im c r y i ng #2015’s haze was quite the time though……. i just remembered my then-friends sending a voice mail to our chat group to manifest school closure #and t h e n sending a follow up recorded cheer of ‘nO SCHOOL!!!!!!!’ when school was (indeed) cancelled due to the weather #g o d i haven’t thought about them in a long while… i hope they’re doing fine these days #oops forgor to disable rbs for a bit this app is kinda annoying tbh

[pepprs]

genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim

#purrs #delete later #covid19 #i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill / #immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in #any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy #for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the #throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more) #disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in #ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and #healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to #school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist #anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to #access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i #HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i #need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have #that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way #it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator. #* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear #for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in #part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I #think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.

[straydogged]

def noticing an increase in hip pain and instability since dislocating both of them last month(?). my right hip in particular has been Problematic. now even sitting crossed legged for more than a few minutes at a time hurts, like the weight of my leg is pulling my hip out or overextending the joint.

#scary!!! like I knew this was going to get worse after the dislocation but I'd hoped that it wouldn't be so noticeable #by extension my knee and ankle on my right leg are also getting worse... #:( #I know they put me in So Much Pain but I used to play sports! I was decently athletic! #the difference in my physical ability at 16 and now at 26 hurts so fucking bad. and like even at 16 things were definitely getting worse #and I'd already been having pain and fatigue and dysautonomia issues for a few years at that point #I feel so whiney when the grief kicks in. like I've got no right to complain because I'm not really that disabled

[majaurukalo]

I’m in my angry and frustrated era.

#personal #maja speaks #I need some change #in my life and in the World #do things really have to get worse before getting better #I’m fed up #and tired #cripple punk #cripple #physically disabled #crip revolution #anaaaaaaarchyyyyyy

[duality-disability]

hi yall

i go see genetics next month!

i'm hoping to figure out if there are any genetic issues i should be keeping a closer eye on, or predispositions that i should be informed of.

(i dont know who my father is, so half of my medical family history is missing, technically.)

maybe this could.. explain what the hell is going on with me; every other specialist so far has been bust (found nothing); so genetics & neurology is what i have left to check

#the lovely time that is ~mystery illness~ #chronic illness #disability #physical disability #chronic pain #actually disabled #i'm 90% sure it's in some part neurological; but my current neuro has done jackshit #i see a new one next month #GI doc has been very helpful #even if we havent found anything so far there that was massively surprising #body weakness that keeps getting worse has me in a chokehold as of late with my appointments

[schizobit]

some of yalls complete fucking disrespect for physically disabled people is unbelievable

#this isnt about any one specific thing its just something i notice a lot in the neurodivergent movement and have blocked several people over #🌄 #if my able bodied ass is getting annoyed by it i cant even imagine what theyre feeling seeing this shit all the time #no your adhd is not ''worse'' than someones physical disability what is wrong with you jesus christ

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[dungeonsanddragonsfifthedition]

sometimes i get so mad about how little contemporary social media ableism “discourse” gives a shit about physically disabled people but also, i should lower my expectations

#i have been reading a lot of disability theory lately and my physical health is getting so much worse and i am GROUCHY.

[philcoulsonismyhero]

Spent this last week tired and in pain and I want to draw about it, but unfortunately aforementioned condition of being tired and in pain makes drawing impossible, so I guess I just have to suffer instead. Why this.

#i mean i know why this it's the hypermobility #but this is a new record for number of joints that hurt at once #hands and in particular thumbs; elbows; shoulders; and feet if i spend too long standing up #i can't currently use my thumbs because the thumb braces are the only thing stopping the pain getting worse #and that means no drawing because i can't hold a pencil #no piano or video games either which are other go-to distractions #i can't hold my phone properly #and i can only type in short bursts with fingers and no thumbs #i hate not being able to use my hands properly #the whole hypermobility thing has been causing me more and more problems lately and it sucks #i really need to get back to the doctor about it #but i'm so damn busy with work this month that i haven't had the time #and being so busy is just making things worse #driving is getting harder and i'm really worried that's going to become a problem #at least the thumb braces help with the pain #and physically prevent me from doing the things that'll make it worse #even if those things include. basically all of my hobbies #fuck this honestly #starting to come to terms with the fact that i am. a bit more physically disabled that previously assumed #happy disability pride month to me i guess :/ #personal stuff

[riverside-lavender]

hate when i’m reading a disability fic and a character goes “oh you’re not broken” to the disabled character bc… no. i am. i am broken. if i was perfectly fine i wouldn’t be dealing with this shit yeah? my body is broken and it can’t be fixed. that’s a fact. i can’t leave my house more than three days a week or i’ll be sleeping twelve hours a day for a month. that’s not what someone perfectly healthy deals with. i am broken. it’s just not a big deal bc that’s my daily life. the only thing i can do is stick a band aid over the stab wound, it’s not going away any time soon. i’d rather the focus be on “you are strong because of this” not “you are strong despite this” or just straight up ignoring the issue. it won’t magically go away in the middle of an important fight, it won’t vanish when everything is peaceful, your character will deal with it all. the fucking time. my disability isn’t a hardship to overcome because it isn’t going away. there is no after. my body is broken. it’s just how it is.

#and i want people to remember that everyone feels differently about stuff #this is my opinion every disabled person may not agree w me #i just wish i saw actually accurate fics instead of a giant story where the character’s disability isn’t just a one off #like. no. they’re gonna be dealing with this all day every day #i’ve had a horrible week can you tell #uhhh what do i even tag this as #disability #chronic illness #god and i’m not even someone with a visible physical disability #i just have one of the worst fucking cases of pots #i imagine it’s even worse for amputees or something- it’s not like the limb is going to just grow back #something is WRONG. that’s what a disability means. #again. my thoughts. others may feel differently. #i’ve had this drafted for forever i’m scheduling it for a random day just to get it out there

[neilgayman69]

Id probably benefit from crutches but there isn't nearly as many cool designs for them as there is canes which is sad

#it also sucks that my joints are getting worse but eh fuck it we ball #cant actually get any mobility aids other than my fold up cane till college #hypermobile spectrum disorder #hypermobile joints #hypermobile #hypermobility #joint pain #physically disabled #ambulatory mobility aid user #ambulatory cane user #cane user