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dredshirtroberts · 4 months

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My mom sent me a christmas card, postmarked january 6th.

my mom sent me a christmas card with a check inside. There's also a note, written in the most bland, banal language in order to best express that they don't understand what's going on but they're going to love me through it anyway.

In case you're new here, I gave them a hard boundary last june/july that they crossed in about two weeks after having set it. After a life of laying down hard boundaries that were crossed time and time again with no apology or acknowledgement that it had happened i was done. That had been their last chance, whether or not I said as much, and they couldn't manage to remember it even that long.

because it's clearly more important to let me know how much they miss me and think about me instead of respecting that i've asked for distance and silence from them while i do my own thing. They never had a problem leaving me alone before I moved away and then I had to essentially beg them to leave me be. To the point that I finally said that if you can't do this on your own, I will help make it easier for you and block you so you cannot reach me.

And she still sent me a christmas card. late, as it was well into the new year by the time of the postmark, but surprisingly close for her. I'd be almost proud of her for it, but like...

one of my biggest points of fracture with the two of them was about how much of a last-thought i always seemed to be, especially around the holidays and planning for the holidays. So is this early-by-her-standards because she's making an effort, or is it late because she really doesn't consider these things until the last minute?

I wish it was easy to explain to them why I won't talk to them anymore. I think they're assuming it's the name change, my gender. I think they probably are concerned it's the people i'm around. And, i mean, it's not not those things. but it's more than those things too.

it's... it's years of being an afterthought. it's years of being the last to know plans that have been in the works for weeks if not months before i get to know about it a half-week in advance (hope you can get the time off for it!). It's changing plans last minute and assuming i'll just know about it when no one bothers to reach out and let me know - especially if it's because they think my mother will do it for them because that's her position on the phone tree, as it were.

it's decades of trying so hard to set boundaries and just watching them be bulldozed over because it wasn't important to them to do anything other than what they wanted. it's a lifetime of being told i'm not good enough - and then finally accepting that and having to figure out how to justify "giving up" to my family who was banking on me being successful somehow. because that was my job - to be successful and be a trophy for my parents to show off to their families, their friends.

And i couldn't be that.

I also suffered years of emotional abuse and neglect, medical neglect, and academic neglect because no one could be bothered to get to know me as more than a conveniently quiet child while i ate myself up inside day after day trying so hard to figure out what combination of things would make my parents happy with me. what would make them love me.

It was a competition, too. I had to vie for my parents' attention with my sister. and there are two things you need to know about me: I would give my sister the world if I could afford it, and I am not a competitive person by nature. I fell into the trap, and i know it - she did too. We were encouraged to be mean and spiteful to each other before we were loving. I still don't know how to effectively show my sister i care about her. I'm terrified I already did too much and she'll never forgive me anyway. But i wasn't actively trying to be the best kid to win my parents' love away from her. I just wanted a little.

It was probably more likely that neither of us was getting any of the love, but it was incentive enough even with that.

I truly and honestly believe my parents just do not understand why doing the shit they do is wrong. My mother's tone in her note to me was readable probably ONLY by me, because I know her too well to not see the aggression in her words. The check was an attempt at violence - whether she understands that or not. She knows she raised me to grovel when I am given a generous gift, she knows I raised myself into a polite person who responds to things in a socially acceptable way. She knows, so she sends a gift that is large enough that I would have felt obligated to reach out and thank the giver personally, in the past.

And have, in fact, with my grandparents, just Friday actually done exactly that.

What do I do with it now? Am I resolved to keep them blocked? Will I suffer the consequences of rudely not thanking them and using the money anyway? Should I just send it back and not touch their bribery money?

Well first of all - I have earned so many reparations. And back-pay for the years I was overworked and underpaid at their fucking company. So I'll be keeping the money. The money will likely go to weed if i'm to be completely honest (assuming i don't end up using it for food or bills) - i considered name change or top surgery funds, but eh. those are too long a payoff for it, and she's not going to hear back about what i did with the money anyway.

I won't be responding to her. Because all I really want to do is go "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE ME BACK, THIS IS YOUR FAULT" and then outline every single thing that they have done to me, every reason i have to not talk to them anymore, and make them look at it and finally fucking apologize. And since i've done this on a smaller scale in the past and i know it doesn't work - they never apologize no matter what the slight is or what i point out - i'm not even going to bother. I have nothing to say to them.

Because while she opened with "We miss you" and closed with "love", i don't miss them, and she apologized for saying they love me.

but she didn't apologize for the reason I cut them off.

#the postmark is completely coincidental i just think it's weirdly symbolic and interesting #my mother is not clever or self-aware enough to do things like that on purpose #or the stamp would have also been another h/rry p/tter stamp like last christmas #i assume she has no idea about the Implications but one can never be sure with her #i'm angry and annoyed but i also know it's better that I opened it now rather than letting it sit and wait #and it's definitely better to have looked in it than to have just tossed it out #but man am i Scrungkled (derogatory) right now

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mevekagvain · 3 years

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Chapter 93 - Fancy chair, love it.

- So my theory is that Raizel just never learnt how to write in Lukedonian either.

- Tbh the janitor is suspicious. Like how hard was he googling M-21?

Chapter 94 - SUYIIIIIIIIIIII

- Ah geez the first of the racistly depicted characters.

Chapter 96 - Suyi getting mad at the kids for complaining about Hansu is so funny like when she first appears you think she's perhaps a stuck up celebrity or a pushover but it turns out she's just a really sweet friend.

- Suyi being stunned by Rai's looks but not falling for him (same with Yuna) is one of the things I always liked about Noblesse. Like sure in the first meeting they get blushy but I'll just jot that down to the inherent beauty of nobles since I can't relate to it at all.

Chapter 97 - Frankenstein's house always being stocked with so much food because the kids just started coming over daily is hilarious. Even funnier since Frankenstein obviously thinks it's overkill but is the one stocking up anyway.

Chapter 98 - Regis and Seira 🥺 Seira's og outfit was the best one she had like it only goes downhill from here folks.

Chapter 99 - It would have been so funny if Frankenstein went "they must be cosplayers" instead of realising the two were nobles.

- Regis taking all the initiative shows how it's his roadtrip coming of age journey which is pretty clever. Also Seira's just like that but still.

- Shinwoo stop exercising in class bro. Do not flex on the rest of us this is so rude 😭😭😭

- Regis confidently saying he's a noble in class to humans he doesn't plan on mind controlling... Baby boy why are you so dumb? How is this hiding your identity??? And Seira just lets him,,, good for her.

Chapter 100 - Ah yes their elegance boner at seeing Raizel... nobles are so fucking weird.

- M-21 thinking he won't get any information because of his time at the Union and thus being surprised at how open Frankenstein is is actually really sweet. Like yeah I still think Frankenstein is an unethical and questionable person but he is kind to most humans (werewolves and nobles can go fuck themselves I guess lmao).

Chapter 101 - The second hand embarrassment I felt when M-21 called the two noblesse... how do I even consume content?

- Yeah 100% most union members don't know the difference between nobles and vampires. I bet they'd classify jiangshi as either mutants or werewolves. Or to be more specific, that would be the classification given to low leveled members. On one hand I think it's dumb that the Union gives members twisted information because how would they even use it? But on the other hand it makes sense since it prevents said members from seeking nobles for help. After all, if they believe even the 'noblesse' are vampires that drink blood, than obviously they won't see them as possible escape routes.

- 'Noblesse only applies to one person'. Yeah because Rai's brother is fucking dead. And so is whoever was his predecessor/parent.

Chapter 102 - Those bullies got backup so fucking fast like Shinwoo literally just asked Regis and Seira if they were okay then boom! They're back.

Chapter 103- Regis going ??? essentially when Shinwoo tells him to take care of Seira is so funny like yes ofc he's confused she's literally a clan leader + noble females aren't physically weaker + noble women work out just like the men.

- Rude, Regis. You can't just ask someone why they're mingling among humans. You're doing that too. Who doesn't mingle among humans smh. Even cats and pigeons mingle with us.

Chapter 105 - Love how everyone else in the household is so sick of ramyeon like Raizel stop please you're being selfish.

Chapter 106 - Frankenstein is the definition of the 'right in front of my salad?' meme at Regis and M-21 arguing at the dinner table. Then there's Seira and Raizel just waiting for the noodles to get soggy so he can't even eat. Wish Urokai could see him getting tortured like this.

- The soldier rejecting backup because he knows the enemy is the Union hurts my heart. Wanting to prevent casualties... iwi

Chapter 107 - Shark how tf do you not know about South Korea? That's one of the asian countries people actually know about. I guess maybe it's because this is from around a decade back? K-pop is more recent and made the country more visible I guess.

- Ah yes Takeo. Forever known as "the first time I read Noblesse and he appeared I thought he was Marie's sister since they had the same hairstyle". Like I thought that before even learning about the Aris Taivra fiasco. My power 😔

- Oh don't worry M-21, Frankenstein stopped experimenting on people 830 years ago. You know, as one does.

Chapter 108 - Shark has like no general knowledge. Geography? History? Tf is that I guess.

- Tao saying they're the worst possible people for the job is so funny like yeah he's right. "All we do is massacre people in warzones why are we in Seoul?"

- The rest of the squad complain or are confused about the peace meanwhile Takeo is vibing. He's the normal guy TM of the group.

- Ah yes noble lore. If you take canon at face value than the fact that nobles were around when humans first emerged and there being about 2-3 clan leaders before the current generation means you can estimate their lifespan. Ofc it differs wildly depending on how you interpret the 'first humans' part. I'll assume there were 3 generations before the current generation (mvp lord being the third generation) and won't be adding the current generation since a 0.5-2k years is kinda meaningless. I'll also be assuming that mvp lord entered eternal sleep at around the same age as his predecessors and that he would have died soon from old age anyway (since canonically they do have limited lifespans). If we assume it's just the first human ancestors (7 million years ago) than the average pureblood lifespan is 2.33 million years. If we assume it's when homo sapiens started to emerge (300k years ago) than it's 100k years. If it's about modern humans (130k years ago) than it's 43.3k years. Regardless I'll ignore it since my hcs are that nobles are effectively immortal unless killed and that the 2-3 clan leaders is a misconception due to a mix of Gechutel just straight up lying, because there are clans that have had fewer clan leaders, because I have nobles settling on Lukedonia only 30k years ago, and because Gechutel is factoring in his own age of 10.2k so it's more like 'There have been 2-3 Ru clan leaders before the Ru clan leader 10k years ago since after we settled in Lukedonia'. There's also the possibility that nobles didn't have lords or clan leaders until a few thousand years ago in canon but the species has existed for much longer.

- 'Nobles are individualistic... They don't despise humans but don't love them either.' Humans w/ ants. Now if the ants were capable of speaking with us it'd be exactly the same situation.

Chapter 109 - "What were they researching here?" Since when does the Union research anything aside from human modifications Kranz? Why do you even need to ask? More seriously this means that the Union doesn't actually only do human experimentation and weapons lmao. The other shit just isn't relevant I guess. It's a shame, I'd have loved to see how a lab focused on like, fixing up polluted waters, would be fit into the story.

- The fact that Tao beat Jake up is never mentioned enough. Also confirms that Jake was lying out of his ass about being the strongest.

- Marie being the weakest assassination squad member is interesting like I know why Crombel doesn't need bodyguards as the reader but you'd think the Union would be suspicious of him not having a stronger bodyguard. Also I still can't believe the Union doesn't bother learning who the members are aside from the ones Crombel tells them about like. Bro???

- Shark calling Takeo uptight is hilarious because the guy literally just shot the falling ceiling light which is the opposite of uptight. Either he was preventing them from getting hurt/being caught or he wanted that to happen considering the fact that he shot it and it shattered. And then he just goes back to leaning against the wall. Takeo please 🤣

Chapter 110 - And Shinwoo's still staying over at Ikhans place. Wonder when he's gonna move back. I really love their dynamic like yeah I beg my sister to get me food all the time too. Also love the apron and skeleton hoodie.

- Shinwoo went through the five stages of grief pretty quick huh? Like yeah it's his own misunderstanding that Ikhan is dating someone but still. Homophobia is annoying as always though.

Chapter 111 - Suyi paying for their food is so sweet of her and also I relate so much like yeah mood that's me and no I don't want to be paid back.

- Takeo,,, the fact that he just hands his wallet over because he doesn't like violence and doesn't want to beat them up,,, my heart. Otoh... how did he even get cornered in an dark shady alleyway lmao.

- Aris managing to make herself look like a teenager as Taivra is interesting since Takeo says he wants her to be able to go to school like Yuna and Shinwoo when he's treating them. I guess she looks younger without makeup.

- Takeo just straight up pointing his gun at Shark in public because he mentioned Taivra... anger issues much? I understand why but taking your gun out is an overreaction.

#noblesse #raining while reading

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the-lonelybarricade · 3 years

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darling dearest, i am in need of some advice and you were the first person i thought to ask (your fanfics are so deep, you have unrivaled wisdom. also you are an adult, which is very useful right now)

so, acting means a lot to me. in fact, it means the world. one of my first coherent sentences as a baby was, "mommy, i want to be on tv," so of course i developed an interest in theater.

it's my first year of high school, and my first thespian convention, and it's 500 dollars. for some context here, my parents had their first kid in high school. my mom never graduated, my dad joined the army instead of going to college. and then they had four more. on top of that, my dad's retired so we're all around dirt fuckin poor hahah. in other words, no one in this family has 500 dollars to send me (except for my middle sister, but that really is too much to ask for).

except for me! i had the money! only, it's in my college fund (which is 660 right now, no one set up a college fund for me as a baby--i only started saving two years ago). like i said, we're dirt poor and no one has the money to put me through college. my sister is a lawyer and has been practicing for years, and is still 200,000 dollars in debt from student loans. i'm having to rely on being smart to apply for scholarships and grants, and if i'm really special, i can get into harvard for free. which is such a huge deal, and one i'm kind of counting on.

even if i don't go to college, i need the money for when i ditch my home state and live in the big city for my big shot at being a successful actress. i can't do this every year. i've already decided to drop cheerleading and adv math next year so i can get a job (i'm not allowed to get one until i can drive). but i don't know if 3yrs of work will even be enough if i want to do normal teenager things and still go to college. chances are, i'm not getting into harvard, much less for free. i'm not gifted like i was as a little girl, and i think the stress would be too much. my mom says she'd help but she's saving for her own house and already getting me my own car, and she doesn't have money either. i don't think i can ask her for that.

thank you for even bothering to read this, thank you times one thousand if you respond.

Goodness lovely, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. This is such a big burden to carry and I know it must be really intimidating to think your future is restricted because of money. But take a deep breath, we're going to talk about some things, okay? I'm still new to being an adult myself, I'm in my final year of uni and money is hard.

So first let's talk about this $500 for your Thespian Convention. First, if this is a school event, a lot of schools do wave or reduce fees like this for families that can't afford it. They also may offer scholarships. I would look into seeing if that's possible, but otherwise let's talk about covering that cost from your college fund. I'm assuming from your language that you're American, which means that if you're earning the federal minimum wage (7.25/hr) it will take 60 hours of working to pay that off. That could take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to work off if you're working part time, so you need to ask yourself if you feel like the thespian convention is worth a month of work that you could be putting towards your college fund. (Also, I know you said you can't get a job until you can drive, but maybe see if there's anything local you can do for extra money, like maybe tutoring or babysitting?). And if you can't go to this Thespian Convention, see if theres a less expensive alternative you can pursue.

Another important thing to consider is that, if acting is definitely what you want to do, you don't need to go to college to be a successful actor. Leonardo Dicaprio, Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling, there's plenty of major A-list actors that skipped college alltogether to pursue their careers. Here's a list. And if going to college is something you really, really want to do, you also don't have to go to college immediately after graduating high school.

This is something they didn't push a lot when I was in high school, and this would have been mind blowing for me when I was a freshman. In my high school going to college was like the expectation for families that could afford it. And they also offered great support for struggling families and first generation students. But I did something super unconventional for my town and I took a gap year. And that gap year changed my life. So my love, you don't need to worry about 3 years being enough time to do normal teenager things while working your butt off to pay for school. You can give yourself as many years as you need to get that money together, or to pursue your acting career or both. College is ready for you when you're ready for it. There's no set timeline. And I wish they told high schoolers that more often. I wish I was told that sooner.

But let's say that you really want to go to college and you really want to go as soon as you graduate high school. That's totally fine too! Let's talk about your options. Getting a full-ride scholarship is competitive and a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I say go for it! Go for as many as you can and apply for every scholarship available! But also give yourself the breathing space to think about other options. This is a list of no-loan colleges in the US. These are schools that will meet 100% of your financial need if you get accepted. Now the tricky thing is you still have to pay for your EFC (estimated family contribution) and sometimes your FAFSA (federal application for student aid) grossly overestimates how much your family can actually contribute. But it will definitlely eat a big chunk of that money away and there are still loan and scolarship options for that remaining sum. Also when applying for these schools a lot of them do offer an application fee waiver for families that can't afford it.

There are also loads of private scholarship available options from various companies. Talk to your high school counsellors, they *should* have great resources for finding this kind of stuff. I wish I could remember where I found all of my scholarship info, but it's been almost 5 years since I've done that research. I think maybe fastweb was something I found useful? And I also found this website and this website after a cursory google search just now. I'm sure you'll find good sources too! Freshman year is not too early to start applying to private scholarships. A lot of them are directed at seniors, but there are all kinds and sometimes they're just fun contests with small rewards, but it all adds up!f

You can also try killing two birds with one stone! See if there are any acting jobs available either in your local area or even just online! Maybe set up a fiverr and read scripts for people, or see if you can work as a counselor for a theater camp in the summer. My first job was as an acting job as a dancing penguin at a local summer festival when I was 14.

Okay and now I feel obligated to tell you something. You don't need to go to college in the US. This probably sounds outrageous as a freshman, it definitely would have to me. But I'm literally typing this from where I now live in the UK, after taking that gap year and realizing that american school is ridiculously expensive and way less cool than european schools? Do your research, there's lots of options available to you and the US is not your only one. I've saved loads of money going to school here and I'm happy as a clam. Here are some fun links.

Anyway my love, I know that was a lot of information and I'm sure none of it magically solved your problems or took that burden of your shoulders. But take a deep breath. Everything will happen in its own time and there will always be opportunities for you to pursue being an actor. There will also always be the option to decide to go to college at any point in your life. The biggest and most important thing is to just not give up. Focus on the here and now, focus on your grades, and the rest will follow. You got this, I know you do. And please, always feel free to come to me with any questions or even if you just need to rant in my inbox, I'm here <3

#Big love to you #I know it will all work out in the end

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bbyhaikyuu · 4 years

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Captains as Older Brothers || Headcanons

Ushijima Wakatoshi || Kuroo Tetsurou || Oikawa Tooru || Sawamura Daichi || Bokuto Kotaro

Warnings: Just some swear words here and there. gn!reader.

I actually have two brothers, one older and one younger. So this one is probably influenced by my experiences

M.List || Requests

Ushijima Wakatoshi

Everyone is surprised that you're his younger sibling?? I mean, you're a ball of sunshine and Wakatoshi is... Wakatoshi.

What they didn't know is that precisely because of your older brother, you were able to become the person you are today.

He was the one who kept you distracted while your parents fought. The one who shouldered everything just to let you have a normal childhood. And the one who demanded that both of you should always be together. He practically raised you in a way.

The type of brother who rarely bickers and just lets you win? He mature like that.

The dorm rooms for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd years are separated but you visit each other frequently, be it for homework, movie nights, or just plain gossiping ya'know?

Tendou naturally became your brother too. The best one to talk about the manga and animes because all your brother does is read the advertisements on jump.

Occasionally treats you with food whenever you do good at exams.

Found out about the love letters you've been getting. Rejects them for you lmaoooo.

Probably because you've told him about the person you kinda like. You can't really tell your mom about these stuff because when you were a kid and told her about liking someone, you just got a long ass lecture.

Wingman Wakatoshi nii-san? Hell yeah. Although he can just threaten them and everything will work out.

Best head pats. It's a fact.

Originally was against the idea of letting you play volleyball. But after seeing how passionate you were he just went— ah, fuck it

You still were far from matching his strength in spiking, but it doesn't mean you're not good at it. (you're the best according to nii-san. Don't tell Goshiki)

Has the softest smile when you're around. His team is actually dumbstruck seeing him that way.

Practically has the whole volleyball team looking after you.

Kuroo Tetsurou

The type of older brother that basically imparts all his knowledge unto you.

I have always been this kind

Yeah but loves to annoy the shit out of you. You're just lying on your bed? Mf will suffocate you with his body. But he can tell when you aren't really in the mood to play around anymore.

You and Kenma always occasionally make fun of him. Or give him the stink eye. Depends on what shit he said.

Oh yeah remember the way he taught Tsukki about blocking? He likes to be straightforward with his words and criticism.

Midnight drives and food trip. It's like a monthly bonding thing you guys have. Might also turn into a driving lesson.

Also drives for you when you go out with friends. Fetches you when it's already late at night because he doesn't trust public transport that much.

Usually let's you experience and learn some things on your own. But steps in once it feels like it's too dangerous or if he feels like you can't handle the aftermath.

He wants to be considered as the best older brother. Kinda regrets letting you meet the rest of his team. They all baby you and even Lev's older sister loves you.

Getting bullied? Try to hide it from him? No chance, he got eyes and ears everywhere. He's ready to throw hands. Even the rest of the volleyball team got their fists ready.

Brings you along whenever he comes over at Kenma's house because you and Kenma seem to get along more than him.

Might have tried to set you and Kenma up. He failed.

You and Kenma decided to ignore him for like a week. Profusely apologized after 3 days and swore he won't do it ever again.

Has a quote that goes "It's the older brother's job to annoy his younger sibling."

Honestly a good brother 11/10. Would bring a speaker and food into your room just to cheer you up. Makes fun of you after when he knows that you're over it.

Oikawa Tooru

CONSTANT FIGHTS

Either verbal or physical. This bitch won't back down.

You both lost count of how your mother threatened to handcuff you both on a pole for a whole day.

But don't be fooled. He brought out the best of his team. He can do that to you too.

Likes to give you shitty nicknames. One of his fangirls thought it would be a good idea to call you that and Oikawa overheard it. "Who do you think you are to use that nickname? " istg that girl ran away like lightning. Sonic could never.

Honestly you just fight everywhere. Iwaizumi either stops you both or joins you in bullying shittykawa.

You know that thing where you just stand in the doorway of his bedroom and like, stare at him for a good minute and leave without closing the door? Yeah he hates that.

Honestly when he's feeling down, he just goes to your room, flop down on your bed, and talk his heart out. He thinks you're just scrolling through your phone and not listening to his rambles, but thats not the case. You rarely give out advices because you know that he just wants to lift the burden off his shoulders when he talks about his thoughts.

You rarely play volleyball, but will play with him just to make him feel better.

Being Oikawa's sibling means you're crazy good even if you rarely play. People are confused.

100% helped you during your first heartbreak.

Will probably break down your door just because he wants to try a tiktok trend with you.

When the fight gets a little out of hand. Neither of you says sorry. Just pop your head into the bedroom and ask him if he wants to eat. That always solves the problem.

Never says it but he is extremely proud of his sibling. Secretly boasts about you to your teammates.

School heartthrobs. You don't really care though unlike your hoe of a brother.

Asks you to come along with him to do his practices. Never lets you go home alone

Tries really hard to be the best older brother. Of course you love him.

Sawamura Daichi

Play fighting. A lot of play fighting. Either through volleyball or wrestling.

He knows he's stronger than you so he usually tries to match his strength with yours.

Will not hesitate to put you in a headlock if you keep being an ass.

Does a pretty good job of keeping you down. I mean, he is scary when he's mad. A look or a smile can make you shut up already.

Knows when something is bugging you. Will not hesitate to ask you about it so that he can help you resolve it as fast as possible.

The type to give you a piggy back ride if you still felt like shit.

Actually asked Chikara to make sure Tanaka and Noya limit their interaction with you because he knows that those two are up to no good. After quite some time and persuading, he finally trusts them enough to be around you.

Pranks. A lot of pranks. Daichi has boomer tendencies so he probably won't know about the latest trends. Sugawara is very supportive of your plans too.

One time you almost got hit by a stray ball. He ran faster than Hinata.

Doesn't say it but he gets jealous when you hug Asahi. Who couldn't resist hugging that teddy bear?

Will ruffle your hair whenever you did something great. You kinda got accustomed to it.

Actual fights never really happen? You retort once or twice but that's pretty much it.

Knows how to cook and bake. With you being his personal critique. He bakes your favorites every Sunday.

Knows when to bother you and when not to.

Older brother instincts is one of the best of the best.

Bokuto Koutarou

A f f e c t i o n. Lots and lots of it.

Will hug you out of the blue. Or throw you out somewhere, depends on his mood. You don't mind though.

You are a perfect balance between Bokuto and Akaashi's personality. Like their love child.

You don't really have an emo mode though, just a really strong aura that can match your brother's. Akaashi was thankful because he didn't want to take care of two Bokutos. His system can't handle it.

Bokuto emo mode? Call him nii-chan along with some compliments, that'll do. That's why you're always needed when they have a game. And when you can't come, a quick call from you is usually the team's plan B.

Usually takes you to his practices if you have nothing else to do. Will probably or maybe already has taught you everything he knows.

Tried to smuggle you with him during his summer training camp. He got caught by Akaashi and got lectured by your mom.

Travelling is normal for him because of volleyball. Expect a lot of souvenirs and gifts. He spoiled you so much and he doesn't even realize it. You don't take it for granted though.

You fought once. That was it. He went on full emo mode. You never try to bicker with him again.

The type to send you snaps and tiktoks of the most random things. Even at three in the morning. Not that you're asleep (Don't tell mom.)

Will try to smuggle you again. You woke up to him trying to stuff you in a suitcase.

Will give you infinite amounts of piggy back rides despite your age.

Kuroo and Hinata knows about you because he just doesn't stop talking about his precious sibling.

Feeling down? Expect Bokuto to go into nii-chan mode. Will not hesitate to slap a bitch. Or take you to explore the city and buy you food and stuff. Remember the way of the ace T-shirt? Yeah, you have a matching one.

When he feels down, but not like his emo mode, he just usually plops down next to you and start talking. Feel free to give out advices, he'll always say that you're the smartest and the best.

A great older brother indeed. He doesn't even realize it.

Gif Sources : Ushijima, Kuroo, Oikawa, Daichi, Bokuto

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x-avavarts-x · 4 years

Text

A final fantasy fanfiction for my oc and her family.

Characters: Cor leonis,Laura lucis caelum (my oc), Aurora Tummelt (my oc), Gladiolus Amicitia.

Warning:

My national language is not English. I apologize for spelling and grammar mistakes.

Summary:

When your flesh and blood are mixed with pain and you are nurtured with it, you dedicate your whole being to those who were trying to improve your suffering by touching their love. What's wrong with you? It does hurt to lose these loved ones, even thinking about it bothers you. At that time .. you grab everything to stop the destiny .. like a bird stuck in a cage and trying for freedom, you knock yourself on the door and the wall to find a way ... and if you find it. Nothing can stop you, even if it is a God!

Part:7

He woke up to the sound of a woman's moaning and screaming. He raised his head from the steering wheel and stared around. His breath was a little faster than usual, so he tried to get them back to normal with deep breaths! He raised his hand and took the drops of sweat from his forehead, raised his head, and looked at the car clock. He had lost time, 2 hours of sleep was too much when Laura was there! His blue eyes lit up and he turned on the car again. He has to go to Shiva Mountain himself. Laura's pain was getting worse in his sleep, he only hoped that he would get it sooner! he got to the point where the car really couldn't go anymore. He got out of the car, filled Laura's backpack with food and potions. Even if he doesn't get the potion, he must take the food, Laura eats more when she was in pain! When she ate, she regained her energy and became refreshed. He locked the car and walked towards the mountain. Not slow, with long steps and close to running. It was not long before the deadly cold that he covered his coat. He put his coat's furry hat on his head and wanted to go higher, but his phone rang. He stood up and replied:

" Is there a problem, Gladio?"

" No! you don't know where is princess, not only can you handle it! Let me come with you"

"I don't need help, take care of them Gladio! If they make a mistake, kill them."

Gladio's eyes were fixed on Aurora and her brother, and Loqi were plugged in like a cell phone connected to a charger! nodded slowly:

"watch out!"

He cut off the call and returned his cell phone to his pocket. Slowly he sat down next to Loki on the edge of the bed:

"You don't tell that you have a twin sister!"

Loqi's teeth were still tied together. He closed his eyelids and slowly lay down:

"I can't tell everything I loved, to my enemies!"

Contrary to Loqi's expectations, Aurora broke his word:

" I grew up with your enemies, do you remember?"

"Don't force me to remember it!"

The smile painted Aurora's lips. She gently kissed his brother's head with love and pulled the blanket over his tension. Gladio stood up so that the girl could do her job more easily! When Aurora's work was completed, her thin arm was in Gladio's hand. She turned her head towards the tallboy to see why he was doing this. There was no opposition from Aurora, but she went after Gladio. Somewhere away from the tent, he stood around the table. There was a plate of food on the table. For Aurora as well as Mr. Amicita! It was disrespectful to him if Aurora started eating earlier and without permission, so she raised her head to see if he would allow it. It was a half-bright look. There was a special charm in Gladio's look, which was sewn at sunset!

"I have never seen a Cor so scared!"

Aurora's eyebrows slowly raised up in surprise! She tilted her head slightly and rested his hand on the table:

"what do you mean?"

Gladio turned his head to Aurora:

" I knew it was a time when he had a relationship with Laura, but that he was in such a hurry and alone."

For a moment, Aurora's face took on a thoughtful gesture. She picked up the flask and poured some tea for herself, but gave up on drinking only tea, so she took the cup to Gladio and looked at him:

"How much do you know about the history of your attacks on test sites of Nifs?"

Gladio's eyes widened in surprise. He took the cup from her and stared at her:

"Well, once my grandfather attacked, my father once too, but ... Why do you ask?

"How much information do you have about the princess!"

"I'm sure more than you!"

"If you knew more, you wouldn't be surprised why Cor went alone! It's not a matter of interest! The problem is another thing!"

Tea steam raised from the cup slowly and gave a happy smile to Aurora. She grabbed her cup and stared into Gladio's eyes! He loved their color! The color of the tea is dark. He ate some of the contents of his cup and continued so that Gladio's curious look on his face would not make laugh:

"Your princess was a perfect example of Verstael testing that a man named Clonus Amicitia stole her!"

Gladio's frowns opened, showing how surprised he was:

"Is she a Nif?

"No! She was a modified copy of King Regis! It's weird that you don't know !!

"Surely king Regis did not consider it appropriate for this issue to be widespread!"

"Exactly Mr. Amicitia. And that's why Cor went alone! Because he didn't want anyone to know Laura's secret! Plus, it might be too late and Laura wouldn't be Laura!

"what do you mean!!!"

"Laura was supposed to be created to fight you with your own magic! She is so powerful! Something I'm not even sure she even imagines! She doesn't know at all !! As I told you, if Cor arrives late, he will die! And then it's our turn!"

"Do you want to say .. will she be controlled ?!"

" It wasn't supposed to be, but yes, they have to clear her mind to control her, otherwise, she didn't give her power to them!"

Aurora's words made Gladio regret why Cor went to her alone! Of course, if they were better and faster together, they would reach Laura. He sipped his cup of hot tea and moved his head to the sides:

" I hope the situation is right."

Aurora's face slowly grew sad and she drank some tea:

"me too."

The night had arrived, a cold, heavy, dark night. So deep that it penetrated your being. The laboratory was silent. The researchers were all in their dormitories, relaxing in the dark. The silence was so deep and heavy that it created illusions. Illusions for a girl in a cylinder.

Her two-colored eyes were closed and she was breathing slowly, she could hear sounds she didn't remember much about who their owners were, she had lost herself as if a big black hole that was formed in his mind and the voices were rising from the dark end of it.

Slowly she opened her eyes, she was so immersed in the liquid that his eyes were used to it, she took a deep breath, she was so calm that nothing came to her until a few hours ago she was trying to escape and was boasting. She doesn't remember at all! She slowly turned her eyes to see those around her so she could forget those sounds. But something new was added to those sounds, obscure images that could not be ignored!

There was a man standing in front of her who liked his seriousness and look, a man who was smiling at her and his green eyes were shouting that he was interested in her. Maybe she'll remember if she focused on those eyes. "Daddy " was the voice of a little girl running towards the man. Her distant eyes were familiar ...! She closed his eyes for a moment and stared around again.

She recognized blue soft light. The crystalline particles around the cylinder moved gently and gathered together. And that beautiful light grew bigger. It was wonderful and strange and interesting for someone who doesn't remember, especially the appearance of a man standing between the lights and shining! Nobody can see them, man but Laura. And that was nothing but a real illusion, that blue light seemed sacred to her ... that blue light ... as if it was penetrating inside her and causing that deep black hole in his mind to slowly lighten up.

Memories were clear to her that had either tormented her or made her deeply happy. Her gaze was staring at the blue light and she was slowly remembering the pain, the calm, the pain .. All those who came to her mind were men, men who It's like having a lifetime in front of her eyes once again! The joy of a little girl who was now clear to him as her childhood, next to those men made her remember more ... and at the end of that blue light ... Snow dots were associated with her, the image of a teenager who quickly distanced herself from him. He would go and laura would drown in her own pleas! A painful memory of a failure that was not for herself!

That blue light was the spirit that had listened to Laura's pain for years. The spirit that could have made that little girl a real fighter. But now he had to leave Laura alone. He had already sent her to sleep for protected her of a dangerous situation, but now he was helping her remember her memories. With Somnus gone, Laura closed her eyelids and read her name in her heart, because it was the only word that came to mind. It was .. the name that had been the same since childhood as Laura's lonely companion:

"Somnus ..!"

Her eyes suddenly opened as shone with the same bright blue light, but it didn't take long. She clenched her fist and hit the glass body of the cylinder with all her might. Once .. twice ... the skin above the bones of her hand was bruised, but with each blow, she struck a crack in the cylindrical cracks. With a stronger blow, the cylinder broke beforehand and Laura fell to the ground with the object that surrounded her!

She removed the mask from her face and threw it away. The red warning light was seen throughout the laboratory. A flashing light that was the only light illuminating that demonic place. A place that had to be destroyed. Not to Laura's own hands! She was pulled out and gone for the door. It was tied up in front of her and could not open until It received the code. Laura put her hands on the door and with a few deep breaths crumpled it in his hand. Performing this magic in a forbidden place was so heavy that Laura had no choice but to scream in anger.

The iron gathered like dough in her hand and then pressed against the sides. The way was open for Laura. She went forward with force, and every soldier who attacked her and quickly disarmed with her, she used their weapons and killed all of them. The whole laboratory was facing a crisis, a crisis called Laura! A killing machine that attacked people who were in the service of her creator!

She was right in the hallways that there were human and monster specimens! It didn't take long for the force absorbed in killing her opponents to become a sword in her hands. A sword made for Laura. She forcefully beat her blade on the glass that was the prison of monsters! She did not intend to destroy them! She wanted to throw them at the lives of their creators! Mean Verstael .. and the whole base! After releasing those monsters, she was able to distract the soldiers! Not just soldiers but all researchers! And that was the best opportunity for Laura that she can escape and take refuge in the mountains.

The wind and cold could not bend his back or force him to retreat! His skin was partially burnt, and the snowflakes were streaked between his brown hair. He was holding his katana in his arms to control his anxiety a little by squeezing it. He knew Laura was no longer at the headquarters. Before infiltrating the base, he heard from the wounded that Laura had escaped! But where was she now that she had escaped? She was fine or not! He stood up in his place and called out the name of his beloved Laura in a loud voice!

"Laura !!"

He paused for a moment to hear a sound, but no sound was heard! He continued walking again. It wasn't long before he heard a faint sound! It was difficult to tell the direction of the sound in that wind. He turned his head to see the owner of the sound, but the only thing he saw was Gentiana! He was a little surprised, but his face did not show his feelings. He looked at Shiva and followed the path marked with diamonds, realizing that the reason for Gentiana's presence was only to keep Laura because he was sure that Laura would not be second in this cold! The wind suddenly blew away, and the snow fell slowly. He dropped his backpack and followed the path that Gentiana had shown him. Just above the hill! He stood up and stared at her, poor laura, she has crumpled herself and shivering from the cold! Hope flooded Laura's heart when she saw the Marshal. She smiled briefly and from the place where she was standing, she takes a point warp to Cor! She was frozen and couldn't talk! She knew that Cor's embrace was hot and that it was somewhat cold! But she appeared in exactly one step of cor, her thin body unable to withstand the pressure of point warp and she fainted.

Cor's hands quickly wrapped around Laura's body, it was heavy in his hands and this was not a good sign, his eyes were full of anxiety and he could not breathe freely. He couldn't turn Laura back in the wind though! He was happy to see the mouth of a cave. He hugged Lara, showed his dagger in his hand, and hurried it to the cave. he takes a Point Warp and then down on Laura on the floor. He took off his coat and threw it on Laura's body.

" Laura? Can you hear me?"

Cor,s voices could be clearly audible for Laura. But she could not answer. She hadn't lost consciousness yet, but she couldn't stop Cor from worrying. And Cor horror had already increased. He took Laura on the ground and went a little further into the cave. He was sure he would not find a wood that could be burned! He sat down and keeps Laura in his hug, all his work was done quickly and anxiously. He presses Laura firmly to his body to warm her. He put his breath in her neck and put his hands on Laura's frozen body to warm her. That was all he could do to save her:

" Stay with me, Laura! do you hear me?? Please open your eyes!"

Cor's worries bothered Laura so much. She didn't want cor to feel that he was losing his love, so she answered in a weak tone and a two-tone voice:

"I'm just tired ... I'm fine!"

Laura's voice suddenly calmed him. He gave up the fight and hid his head in Laura's neck, takes deep breaths to calm down! He thought he was losing Laura. Hatred of crying data in his throat, but he was Cor and he could control it. He kissed Laura's wet hair and held her in his arms, so worried that he didn't want to get away her from himself even a little. It was a lot of fun for Laura, but she might have bothered him anyway, and she didn't want to. So she spoke

slowly again:

" That's how you get annoyed, Cor .. !!"

"You're cold, I can't put you on the ground!"

Laura's frozen eyelashes parted and her eyes opened slowly

"How long have you been in the mountains? Your face is burned!"

Created a faint smile on Cor lips. Meeting. He gently pulled Laura's wet hair from her face. He took one of Laura's hands between his fingers and breathed a little to warm it:

"One of them says that healthy skin is not left on his face."

He kissed Laura's blue fingers, her look turned to the lips that kissed her fingers. She laughed softly and closed his eyes again:

" I'm so tired, otherwise, I would have answered you!"

Cor's smile faded and the frown comes on his forehead :

"what did you want to say?"

" My mind doesn't work, I don't know how I should react!"

Again a smile sat on Cor's face. He caught fire in his hand, held it in front of Laura, and clung to her more than ever. He stared at her face, his hands weren't free so he could caress her face, what's wrong? Laura was the only woman who had Cor's heart, the experience had shown her that it was not bad to express his feelings at times. He lowered his head and placed his forehead on Laura's forehead and kissed her on the nose. A faint smile settled on Laura's lips, but it soon faded, her eyelids opened, and her face stared at Cor by a little at the anxiety or discomfort or any other negative feeling. Her voice became quieter because Cor was beside her and did not need to expend energy to speak louder:

" I had a fantastic dream, Cor ..!

Cor's cold but lovely face wiped away the smile and replied more seriously:

"In awaken??

" In the lab, when Verstael wanted to wash my mind!"

"What did you see?"

There was a moment of silence on Laura's lips. She looked at the waiting eyes of Cor and stared at an unknown point:

" You have to help me, my Immortal! I don't trust anyone but you!"

Surprisingly, the only reaction that Cor was shown. He frowned and lit the flame in his hand! He forced Laura to sit down, and while pulling her bag forward, give her some of the food she had brought with her:

" You know, I don't like this secret mode of you ! it is dangerous!! So clearly say what you saw!"

Laura's gaze fell into the bag, she had no appetite because her mind was so busy. But to alleviate his weakness, he grabbed a packet of chocolate biscuits that Cor take it for her, opened it, and took one out of the package. She paused the biscuit front her mouth and continued:

"I have to open the crystal. Without anyone realizing it!"

She chewed a little of the biscuits and then looked at her Cor:

" I don't want them to think that I want to betray my king .. You know that these words have always been behind me! So you have to understand."

Cor was frowning! His look, which was a little angry, directly targeted Laura:

" Do you want to kill yourself? You just ran away from the nifs right now!!

The princess's will was not only shaken but more determined than ever:

"Before that, I have to go to Lunafreya. I don't want Noctis to smell this!

"What do you want to do, Laura !!"

There was a moment of silence on the princess's lips. She raised his head and looked at Cor with a tired but strong look:

"I want to stand against Bahamut! I want to save Noctis and the rulers of yore. I can't shake hands so that they ruined!"

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years

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BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Summertime on Netflix

This is what I’m gonna do... I’ll be doing more structured reviews later and most likely liveblogging suggested stuff and tagging with “Nesha Watches (Insert Title) for all liveblog posts. For this first review, I won’t be as structured, because I didn’t really plan on reviewing, so this is basically all of my comments to friends @chenoahchantel and @daintyurbanprincess that were made whilst I was watching this show suggested to me by @rbaifzau

It didn’t take me long to be annoyed with the white boy in this show. It doesn’t take much anyways, but one episode in and I’m over him already. This dude saw her at a party, she got pushed into the pool accidentally, he gave her a dry shirt, and two minutes later tried to kiss her… TF..

Girl, this bout to be IGNANT...

Chile... She was like, "What are you doing?" And he looked surprised. Like whet. And in episode 2 after having seen her thrice and spoken to her once, he telling his best friend, "I'm pretty sure I like her a lot." I HATE stuff like this. Why did I tell old girl I'd watch this and discuss it with her? 😭

But she like him, so like??? 😭

And her daddy, who we haven't seen yet is presumably a rolling stone. Only one negro in this town and the nigga gotta be probably running around on his wife? 🙄 I'm like, OH, so the one Black man in the show gotta be a rolling stone? And even though his wife is also highly irresponsible as a parent, she's sort of made out to be the victim of his dreams. They never portray Black mothers doing things on their own as victims. That woman was messing up left and right and it's all on her husband not being there, when that's only part of the problem.

Also, if she IS the only present parent and made the decision to do that, she should be doing it instead of leaning on Summer all of the time.

And she got a close friend that have an obvious crush on her but she seems oblivious. I hate dis

This dude reminds me of Max Theriot. He always looked musty to me. 🤣🤣🤣 He look like him breaf stank. Him and Jack Griffo were working on something where they play soldiers and I absolutely said, "He still look like he stank" when I saw him on Instagram…

This is basically the same mold of dude and it looks moldy and should be tossed out. None for me, thanks.

But, there are moments in this show that's really cracking me up. 🤣🤣🤣 It's like, I feel like I should enjoy it for the messiness of it, but the main characters can be infuriating.

She called him an asshole and he said, "You don't even know me." No duh dipshit. She ain't know you when you tried to kiss her neither. NOR when you was talmbout you like her.

This girl kissing her friend!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. She's gonna hurt this boy! My Gwad. He finna be discombobulated. 😭😭😭 He all happy today and she don't even see him like that. Lordt.

He walked up and she look uncomfortable AF. Her younger sister is like, "You're being weird." 🤣🤣🤣 Even SHE hip to something. He on the beach talmbout "It's hot today, don't you think?" And took his shirt off. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I like Summer's friends and feel bad for them because she really didn't treat them kindly. She used Edo whenever she was upset by Ale and then she just completely ditched Sofie on her birthday and didn't even text her or anything. Just had her waiting on her and didn't even apologize. Like, I love that she gets a chance to be human, but being an asshole to the people who you're supposed to be friends with is such an upsetting trope to me.

And the connection between her and Ale is so weird. He comes across as super predatory in the beginning and I don't understand why she liked him in the first place, but also whenever he does something by mistake, she is so angry at him, even though she's been just as inconsiderate when it comes to her friends.

NOW... HE HARASSING HER AT HER JOB.

WOTTICE DIS HUNNY???

Talmbout if she got a boyfriend he'll "take care of him" 😖 After she told him to leave and he said he'd wait for her outside, she asked her coworker, "What do you do to let a guy know you like him back?"

NOW, she went outside and he's there, but her friend showed up to surprise her after work. 🤣 Whoever made this HATES me

He stole a book out her locker and left a card with his phone number. How is this the start of a romance???

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FRIEND IS TALKING ABOUT THE KISS...He said it was perfect........

Chile... And she don't even wanna tell their other best friend. Bruh. He said, "What we have doesn't need to be discussed." Summy PLEASE tell this young man...HE TRIED TO KISS HER AGAIN AND SHE SAID, "We just talked about last night's mistake" 😭😭😭

And she done hurt my friend this way, but she worried about Maxface because his mama can't reach him on the phone??? Girl.. go.. girl...

The gag is that she got mad at Ale because she saw him talking to his ex and she had to cover for him at work, but you've now ACTUALLY put your best friend in a bad space. And he ran into her mom and little sister and looked so uncomfortable but kept it short and sweet. These are people he loves. Idk. I feel bad for him and also like she kind of a hypocrite.

That was what REALLY bothered me. I don't expect her to be perfect, by all means. Black girls should be allowed their imperfections and their mistakes, but the fact that she knows what it's like to have the people you love be so absent and that she would treat her friends this way because of one guy who she's only known for a couple of months was disappointing for her character. She could have been written imperfectly without this glaring problem that I don't believe a real person in her position would actually have.

I think in real life, the girl who raises her sister and basically has to lift her mother up all the time would overextend herself to her friends, but instead, she just leaves them in her dust as soon as she gets some dick. 😭

He is now hanging out with her little sister. 😭😭😭She goes to school with them but she looks tiny. I'm cringing at everything.

BRUH. Like... I can't tell if they're trying to or not, but I wouldn't be surprised because he's cool with the sister too, but they've been friends a while, so I didn't think much of it until Summer hurt him.I thought she liked him earlier, so idk if he is noticing her or I just EXPECT it.

OAN, this man realized his son had a motorcycle accident on purpose and got mad instead of concerned

At one point, they say he's been riding bikes for 20 years, and whenever his father is mad that he had his accident on purpose (which I'll come back to) he says that he's never made a mistake like that, not even was he was 4, so Ale is AT LEAST 24 and she JUST turned 18. Which is WILD to me, even though at 18 I dated someone who was 23 (he was possessive and abusive, so I have a real suspicion of age gaps).

But, aside from that - she gets mad at him any time she sees him with his ex when It is perfectly fine to speak with your ex and whenever she did see them together, it was always innocent and she didn't give him a chance to explain.

But then, when he does something questionable, like whenever he tried to kiss her the first day they met, or whenever he came to her job to ask her out and she told him to leave but he said he was going to wait outside (toxic AF and presumptuous) she is fine with those things.

Now, back to Ale's accident. I really felt so bad for him whenever we discover he did this on purpose, because his father is mad, when they should be concerned. His mother says, "You could have died" and he agrees...

How did they not notice that meant that this young man was so disappointed with his life as a biker that he was literally suicidal? They just grazed past it and whenever he vanished on them, there wasn't a huge call to find him,even though he'd just admitted to purposefully filling a possibly fatal mistake.

I'm prepared for nothing but disappointment. ALL these people outta there. Ale's best friend is in love with his ex. 😭 IT'S SUMMER'S 18TH BIRTHDAY. MYNIGGA She really stood her other best friend up to go get some dick on a little ass boat

The little sister shot her shot! 😭😭😭 He told her she's like his little sister and she burnt off mad denna muffugga

This child drunk, walking down the street in the middle of the night without her glasses...

OMG AS I WAS TYPING THAT SHE GOT HIT BY A DAMN CAR

I was really upset by these things coming to light, and also whenever Blue gets hit by a car, because all of the reviews that I've seen on this site have been that it's a cute love story with likable characters, but nobody mentions the problematic content, the dark portions of the story that can be triggering - like suicide and alcohol incidents and literally seeing a young Black girl be hit and run by a car???

I wasn't prepared for that shit in a "cute love story." I think that this story is less cute and more dark than people have made it out to be, and that's one of my problems with it. It isn't marketed as a dramatic coming of age story. It's marketed as a romantic comedy, when it is more serious than that and has a lot of issues that should be considered.

The lesbian best friend is in love with her too??????????????????? I. Hate. This.

My favorite person in this whole thing is the lesbian in the background, Irene. And also Dario.

I was entertained a lot of the times. Just heavily confused because I couldn't figure out what the tone was supposed to be. 😁

In conclusion - it's maybe a dark comedy, not a cute comedy, IS a coming of age about a young Black girl who is kind of an asshole, but Black girls should be free to be assholes too. White dudes do it all the time and are valued characters. The dude is weird AF for chasing around this 17 year old girl and he's in his 20s. Idk if that's normal in Italy. It's nasty to me. Their beginning is young people foolishness and there's not much that we see their relationship built upon, but that happens, yanno. You young, tired and silly and some pushy dude makes his move whenever he see you. Slap some discount sex in a dinghy on it and you have this show. I don't recommend it, but a lot of folk loved it, so I guess it did what it meant to do.

#BFCD Reviews by Nesha #Nesha Watches Summertime with Regrets #Nesha Watches Summertime #It's just called Summertime. I watched it with regrets but #Here was my takeaway #Summer Bennati #Summertime #summertime netflix #Nesha Watches

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babaleshy · 3 years

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Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

#rant #ramble #vent #I wanna move so bad but can't

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doubleddenden · 5 years

Text

Kinda feeling that mega depression, ima just vent a bit

[[MORE]]

Lately I've just been super down. Like I've just been doing a bit of retrospective thought and holy shit. I missed out on a bunch of social milestones that I'm just never going to get again.

Like I never really had the courage or self confidence to talk to too many people in college other than a select few, let alone learn how to properly ask someone out. I was too focused on my education and like. Not dying of depression to ever bother with people unless they happened to give me an invitation.

Same reason I don't have any work history, which is now biting me in the ass. My family didn't want me working so I could just focus on schooling but... if I could have just manned up and gotten a job I'd probably have that job I worked so hard for my bachelor's degree for. Now I have loan companies breathing down my neck demanding money I just don't have. My dad and sister have loan companies too, although my sister can afford it and just chooses not too.

And now I live in the middle of nowhere stuck perpetually taking care of my dad without anyone besides him, my aunt, and friends on the internet to socialize with. I don't think I've properly socialized since October for a wedding. And to be fair its because my friends I once had here now all live in different states or hours away, and gas is just too expensive to go visit. There's nothing to do here really unless you're a teenager looking to drink in the woods or Walmart parking lot, or you're an old person at a bar.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive. I'm trying so hard to just say things will be okay but it just doesn't change. It never changes. Even when I try to change it by looking for work or going out to find a way to socialize it just. Doesn't work.

What's worse is that I only have a few things that really keep me happy like p okemon. And now even that's going down the shitter because the people making it don't even care that they're making a bad product anymore and are just making up lies to cut corners. And to angle away from the selfish angle, I just cannot go a day without seeing some terrible atrocity happening in the world I can do anything about (and no, I cannot do anything about it, I have no voice and no reach or agency where I live or, so don't try to convince me otherwise).

I'm just tired man. I can't do anything bad because I have to take care of things here. My stubborn dad and my aunt need me to do what little I can to take care of the house or them or my sister's dogs she left behind while she goes to travel the states with her family.

Not to mention my issues with my mom's side of the family. I got calls about my grandmother being in the hospital and actively considered going back to that toxic parasitic bitch just to make sure my grandmother was okay. It turns out it was just indigestion. And now I panic when the phone rings or when I have to get mail. My mother recently mailed me a letter from our insurance with my birthday circled telling me when I turn 26 in September I'll no longer have health insurance, and had the gall to tell me "happy early birthday".

Not to mention the stupid fucking teenagers that keep stopping at my sister's driveway for some reason. Its empty. No one is there. I keep the property locked up so nobody goes in without permission. I just get so paranoid it's my mother sending kids out to spy on us.

I can't talk to dad about my depression because it's always "what have you got to be depressed about? Just stop worrying so much about it." I can't talk to my aunt about it because she's just either "we're all depressed" or worries so much she doesn't sleep. I actually miss my tuition paid therapy in college.

Actually I just miss college in general. Like I want another chance to pursue the social life I never got to have, I want to get a degree I can actually use that doesn't make me want to off myself, I want to be surrounded by people my age again and be able to socialize and have everything in walking distance instead of a 20 minute drive to civilization. And the internet. Oh my God. I miss stable internets much. It was so shitty but so much better than my shitty hotspot wifi. Also, I just want to go through college without the family drama of my sister or mother constantly starting shit like they did back then, or my depression making it a slog to get up in the morning. And I want to actually socialize and go bike riding again.

This stupid diet too is just the worst. I've cut out sugar almost entirely except for some weird shit that contains a gram of it even though it doesn't taste like it. I've tried supplements of diet or zero sugar drinks but it isn't the same. I snuck a twinkie yesterday for the first time in a month and I swear i almost cried. I'm so tired of meat and salt. I have to eat food that satisfies my diet requirements and isn't too hot for my dad (he FUXKING thinkS FUCKING garlic is FUCKING SPICY) and satisfies my aunt (she cannot taste anything unless it has heaping amounts of salt).

I can't even write correctly anymore. I wrote 100 pages 2 days ago and I'm already considering trashing it because it sucks. I can't Sprite because I have no energy for that. I can't draw because I have no energy for it. I can barely focus on TV because I'm so fucking bored. And music just sucks or repeats all the time.

I'm so tired. I haven't gotten a good night's rest in so long because A. Even with AC and fans its so hot I sweat in my room AT NIGHT. B. I keep having this feeling of dread and I know I'll have a nightmare over it. Even now I want sleep at 12:30 am and I'm afraid to sleep because my mother or some monster or demon trying to kill me will show up or I'll just be naked and late for a class I somehow missed 5 months of.

I can't even win a stupid publisher's clearing house of 25 grand a month for life. Like that would have changed my life. No more loans, no more bills, no more relying on the bitch's medical insurance, and I could finally go to the doc to fix my allergies so I can go traveling by plane.

I just want drinking buddies or something. I want to live somewhere where I can be near people I enjoy being with and can find work that pays a decent wage and doesn't demean me. I want money to buy games and pay these STUPID FUCKING LOANS and visit my friends, not to mention afford therapy that's too fucking expensive now. I want to actually live my life instead of rotting away out here waiting for a miracle.

I'm going to apply for work at a fast food place tomorrow. If I can't even get a job there, I just. I've lost all hope. I don't know what else to do but suffer. I can't die because I can't trust the old man to feed the dogs or do everything I do around here without hurting himself, and my funeral bills would just be too high and cause chain reactions.

But I just can't pretend everything is okay. Because it isn't. I feel like if there is a God he's purposely keeping me here just to suffer and wait. I don't want to just suffer and wait. But can't do much else. And I feel like I can't take much criticism without wanting to cry. Apparently a thing called Rejection Dysphoria or something.

I just want to wake up and everything is okay. I just want to be surrounded by friends and live somewhere with things to do and have money to do that and pay my bills and just finally be caught up with my peers. I just feel like I'm on a time limit.

Like. To explain this feeling. You ever binge watch a TV series and you know there's a difference in the writing? The ending is coming, and you know this because various plot points are wrapping up. The other characters have married and or moved off, college is done, school is done, and the last episode is coming and you just don't know when its coming. You get updates on their ends and their adventures and meanwhile your story just drags on.

I just want everything to stop being so shitty and just fucking work for me.

#vent #don't read #just the same bullshit

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