#my sorting system also sucks

[keeps-ache]

trying to get my creative gears running again !!

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital art #oc #doodles #pink space #blue space #not a zip file #blagh blagh! hello it's me :D #i think i'm in some sort of rut rn.. workin on it though >:3 #//i REALLY love this shading method!! #solid cell-shading is vv nice but this feels so much more fun to me lol :> #//i keep waking up w/ like headaches and if i don't wake up with a headache then i get it only a couple hours waking up which kinda sucks ? #no idea what's up with that man. and it's just a Liiiittle bit annoying ykno what i mean #and it's screwing with my focus !! not cool dude. not cool #this has been going on for. some days now but i dunno i dunno lol #//also i wanna work on these three projects but i!! keep getting overwhelmed with How Much i absolutely WANT to do #system overload! so i end up sitting around with nothing to do for like. a thousand hours hfbsh #//BY THE WAY i helped make tartar sauce the other day and i'm v pleased with that feat :DD #it tasted good! #i did something else the second day after that but i forget loll #//okay now i'm going to try to do. something hsbfvhsb #/8 posts to 2000 !! >:33

[optiwashere]

Do you think Shadowheart will end up as Viconia 2.0 in canon? Would be such a shame if they make the DJ route canon

TL;DR — Don't think about it. Have fun in the here and now, and enjoy yourself!

Possibly, but I also wouldn't think about it too hard since that would be so far in the future. Larian is most likely to make DOS3 before they make BG4, and I don't have any faith in another modern CRPG developer touching a BG4. Other than maybe Owlcat Studios, but with a colossally bigger budget and a huge team of mocap artists.

Which means Wizards of the Coast will inevitably do something stupid. As they are wont to do.

Would I want that? Hell no lmao. I want Shadowheart to have a happy ending.

But Larian is a very "fans-first" company, so if they were able to work on any potential BG4 that would "canonize" companions, I think they'd go with what is most popular and move on to new stories like they did for DOS1 -> DOS2 and like I assume they'll do for DOS3. They like dark shit in their games, but they always have some very hopeful conclusions.

So it's possible we just never hear from Shadowheart again in any canon, unless it's extremely offhand remarks about a Selûnite convert in some random temple or cottage.

That said, Wizards of the Coast could absolutely do what they always do and ruin everything if they ever get their grubby hands on the BG3 characters. Which they probably own in some capacity, I'm not sure how their licensing deal works.

Plus, if they do go that route then we'll just do as any sensible Viconia fan from the BG1/2 era ought to do.

Write hundreds of thousands of words of fic about it. You know. Normal stuff.

#hey you can ask me things! #I am a Selûnite Shadowheart girlie at heart #sure I'll read and enjoy DJ Shadowheart stuff but like #will I write it? not for long stretches #in my heart of hearts I want the poor woman to have her cottagecore fantasy for eternity #(also if owlcat made bg4 they'd feel compelled to put in some sort of macro level management system that just fucking sucks lmao)

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

does anyone have tips for how to deal with the phenomenon of 'autistic need to sort and hypercategorize things, except that there are multiple different axes by which to sort them and you can't use them all at the same time, and the result is overwhelm and distress?'

i've learned that tagging systems help, at least, but sometimes they uh. sometimes they can only go so far

#whosebaby talks #whosebaby makes things #whosebaby does game dev #ttrpg tag #i first wrote up that nightmare of tags when i only had three or four hacks in progress lmfao #looking at it now there are some i think i could narrow down a bit but it still makes me itchy #and with how much bleed and overlap there tends to be with different hacks and systems #it can be really inconvenient and disruptive to separate them completely for ones that have multiple drafts and test run docs #the tagging system i use on here is pretty damn loose by my usual standards but keeping track of game dev in the way i do it #kind of needs a lot more careful distinction and along multiple axes #the alternative is pretty much just one big soup which works *okay* but can still be overwhelming and a hassle to keep up with #anyway this is not remotely the only thing this applies to and Suffering Squirtle especially when urge to sort physical objects #and it's also annoying when it's something harder to quantify like #'i'm genuinely really having fun with this test scene/campaign and want to continue it' vs 'ehn. don't mind not picking this one back up' #sighs #also yeah i have. i have a lot of balls in the air here lmao #this doesn't include the i think like 5-10 docs i made on gdrive before i switched to the notes app because the formatting sucked to use #and the above folders also don't include things like the divination stuff i've made #me with nerve damage that makes handling physical tarot cards painful; making a dice table instead: try and stop me asshole #is there a name for that tag

[nomaishuttle]

bedtime i surpose.. i loves you all mwhamwhamaha. ok bye

#now for my cursory talking in the tags for 30.minutes #sighhh. i wish i could just copy my little mini globe and put it likee. online.. i had a thang t umm. draw on a globe digitally b4.. but i #cant remember what it ws called sobsobsosbs...ill try n find it tmrw ig... #but umm saurrr yeha. #ig rly i dont have that much 2 talk abt......sry i thot id have more. teehee #i rly wanna try n likeee. do a worldbuilding project... but bc i think it will be good for me to go insane crazy abt something for a while #might crack open world anvil. but also its sooo sucks without a membership... #could always just make Oh so many google docs... #bc now ive got likee. th sort of layout of the planet... ive got pics of my Orb i need to get likeee. more.. all angles even #its judt hard bc like. i have t be super duper careful abt shere i hold it #LEST the devil. #could maybe likee. cut it super carefully??? n lay it flat 2 get a good pic... idk tho sobbing #but ermm. ya :] #now i wanna try n design their solar system...... idk how likee modern theyll be #th people. who live on this planet.. so idk if theyll even know anyfink abt their solr system #but still. itll be good for establishing like. day/night cycles + what the sky looks like.. ALSO i need to decide on like. how big the #planet is... #but hluld i go for that first Orrrr should i go for like.. political/cultural borders first... hrm hrm hrm much t think abt #i also need to decide on biomes/climate for each part of th workd.. smiles #ik if yr likee. writing. you arent suppsoed to worry abt this stuff too early #but i havent written since likee..2018-19 and im not abt to start... this is just mein special little project!!!! #thank gd my talkatice nature came back now im all tuckered out. which would be a SUPER rude thing 2 say if i ws hanging out with my friend #tucker. i dont have a friend named tucker but if i did that wouldbe been a shitty thing 2 say to him.... #but ermm ya. if nybody wants to brainstorm random little worldbuilding stuff... smiles at u #my dream is to get SUPER deep into it... with conlangs and astuff .. but i also have a super duper short attention span with projects like #this. no matter how much i beatmyself up over it... #but its ok... gngngngn i love you all beautiful people in my phone :]

[senshibignaturalz]

Trying to figure out the ideal ttrpg stmystem to run a Warcraft game through 👀👀👀

#raid #dnd would be the obvious answer but like #that sucks #so what ELSE (pathfinder doesnt count) #id be tempted to make a ststem hehehehe #i def dont think dnd doesnt work as well as youd think for modern wow #my temptation is exalted but the class and race system is too essential #but race not as much as dnd emphasises it its just tiny bonuses comparatively its more your culture and what faction youre in #i think itd been to be exploration based and with some sort of war system for either warcraft style pitched battles #or to facilitate a when you have like max 5 players #also would need to feel as cool as like exalted with the combat #all classes need to be equally cool #i wouldnt include talent switching tho #im very heavily thinking modern style wow where you char is always the hero and always cool #vs classic where you start of as some shmuck #world of warcraft #warcraft #wow #ttrpg

[lemonlimetoast]

I think my life would be a lot better if I was rich and didn't have a weird fear of hospitals and shit

#like #I'd then prob b able to get on t and get top surgery #day dreaming about top surgery fr rn sorry if thats tmi but like i cant stop thinking about it and it sucks bc i just cant get it rn #i havent even been to the doctors for like a checkup since like 2020 #every day i inch a little bit closer to just #idk what the end of that sentence is but its true #and like sort of related but id qlso be on like. anxiety meds or something #like god like would be so much easier #id like to go to the beach again i think #without the everything yk #midnighttalk #one day #maybe in 10 years if i have a good job and dont live w my family and have a support system I'll just bite the bullet #the support system thing is also holding me back from taking any real steps cuz it just #I'd have to actually have a talk with my mom and i cant do that #i just can't #id rather do it in a no one needs to know way #obviously id have to if i went on t #maybe #but m. idk. i just wish it were easier #vent post

[firewoodfigs]

(another-nonsensical-ramble-in-the-tags-time) 

#gearing up for another poetry submission tomorrow and the end of next week and. good Lord. the fear of rejection is so daunting #I haven't been able to write anything remotely sensible this weekend bcs I just keep thinking about how anything I produce will be awful and #worthy solely of rejection lol #feels like a different ball game whenever money comes into the picture too #I feel like capitalism is so deeply drilled into me that I struggle to conceive of anything that comes from me as good #unless I win a prize or a prize money of some sort #see also: the perils of external validation #someone once told me I have to delink the approval from the art but it is so difficult bcs in some ways sharing my poetry #feels even more intimate than confessing to some straight insensitive male who will just spout callous rejection without second thought #** more intimate and terrifying #and yet it's all just a marvellous fallacy designed to beguile is it not? #for starters I'm paid to work and I still think I suck at my job LMAO #jhkajksldas my brain's a mEsS im gonna tear my hair out at this rate #anyways I just needed to get this off my system but I am off to scribble and scrawl and make sense of the murk #*hops off da soapbox* <3

[theamazingannie]

Capitalism fucking sucks. I’ve used the website evernote to write down miscellaneous scenes that appear in my head that aren’t ready to be added to the official story yet for over a decade now and now they made it so I have to pay to add any more notes than what I already have cuz now you only get 50 free notes (I have hundreds by this point). Something that had previously been free I now need to pay $10 a month for. How can anyone look at this and think this is a good thing???

#they’ve always bugged me to upgrade to premium but I was fine with the free version #so I guess they decided to make the free version absolute shit #i have a Microsoft office account that I write the official stories in #but i started using Evernote long before that so I just kept all my excerpts for this 8 year in the making story in one place #but now i guess i gotta move them all to word #i get they gotta make money somehow but I’d rather be badgered with ads then have to pay for a previously free service #Im not paying $10 a month to write down thoughts #i could get a fucking 89 cent notebook from Walmart for that #it especially sucks cuz there’s a sorting system in Evernote that I use to organize by character and book and word doesn’t have that #and i dont really want to go looking for a learn to use a different system #i know it’s a silly thing to be upset over but I really hate change #and now Im fussing over this instead of writing the scene I had in my head #and pushing off sleep even longer than I would have to write the damn thing #also word SUCKS on mobile so now I gotta deal with THAT

[collectorcookie]

To anyone working on self improvement in any way, shape or form. Please take a moment to remember that you are a whole complete human being, and not just a work in progress.

Thank you.

#Everywhere i see people treating themselves like some sort of start up company #“Oh i'm not watching my health enough. I'm not socializing enough. I'm not as rich as i could be.” So on and so forth #Thinking that maybe if they optimize their time and energy enough that there's some Hidden Unlocked Potential they could achieve #And like. Don't get me wrong. It might be true! If you hate the fact that you waste time on social media and you wanna change that #Or you wanna start a habbit of getting into a new hobby then do that!!! #But also there's a limit to you as a person. There's a limit to how much attention you have. #i dont know man. This whole “infinite growth” thing sucks in capitalism as a system and it especially sucks for individual people too #There will always be things to be improved but you shouldn't constantly beat yourself up about that👍 #self care

[be-good-to-bugs]

there is a god and he is cruel

#the bin #sorry sorry im having existential dread and terror. literally i dont think ive ever felt worse then i do over the fact im gonna have to wor #some stupid job so often that contributes nothing and get paid so little and be in pain the whole time and have so little time for fun #inat least wnat something that pays a bit better and feels like im actually doing something #tnis whole go to work and cycle through this same loop of donated items and then watch so many of them get tossed is killing me #my job feels so meaningless because it is. i dont know how to describe why. i think a job at a grocery store doing stocking would feel at #different. this type of production work is just so draining mentally. its not samey enough to just be ignorable. it sucks #i go to work and sort through stuff and then put it on the shelves and then everything gets all messed up and fixed and messed up again #and it repeats and its not the same as if it were boxed. because at least that would feel just like whatever yknow. its this horrible #capitalist system disgused as something small and friendly. ive always felt this way about big chain thrift stores and now that i work at #one that feeling is so much stronger. ' #'you love to thrift so why not work at thrift?' because it will crush your soul #sorry. i would rather like work at a store stocking a regular rotation of things and itd feel like corprate capitalism yattah yattah but #not pretending to be soemthing else. my coworkers are so nice but i hate this job #my managers are fine but theyre pushing more of tnis produce produce produce thing bc they have to and i dislike it a lot #like man i AM doing my best and its fast enough and its not even being said directly to me just everyone but it feels bad like they want #me doing this exact process for a job whee the things change. its not a bunch of same shape packeged blah blah its just an array of objects #a really boring array of objects that are all the same but also not the same enough to be easier #and you want to to act like its all packeged and stuff?? #ugh i hate it. i think this is why i like hanging bags so much cause its a simple sorting pricess and simple to put them up

[gothicvalentine]

I just bought a new lawnmower, but it's electric and my lawn is really high after all the rain we've been getting lately. Needless to say, it didn't work. I had to keep starting it every couple of minutes.

If our own still had the same code enforcement lady they had a few years ago, all I would have had to do was call her and she'd give me an extension as long as she knew I was working on getting it mowed.

This new lady, however, is not empathetic at all. Last year I had someone who was going to help (I'm disabled but there's only help in my community if you're over 65) and the lady who was going to help couldn't get to it until the following week. The current code enforcer said she had until Friday and not until our next meeting the following Tuesday.

I was out of town this week when I got the notice about my lawn and I called her Friday to get an extension.

I told her I just bought a new mower and asked to have the weekend to get it done. She said she already had me on her list to have it mowed by their contractor on Saturday, but she'd give me until 1 pm.

I thought my mower would be able to do it (though not well) so I agreed.

I was going to call her this morning (because it turned out they didn't mow it Saturday afternoon or Sunday), but I knew this but I knew Meredith wouldn't care.

Sure enough, even if I had called her, it would have been too late. The lawn service showed up right after 8 am.

So now I'm wondering how many hundreds that's going to cost, that I can't afford, and hope that my ability to pay isn't tied to my driver's license. Being poor sucks so hard. 😭

#code violations #city codes #anti lawn #being poor sucks #also they were only here a maximum of 30 minutes #i wonder if there is any sort of dispute system? #of course disputing the government never goes well #especially since code enforcement of lawns is up to the police in my town #and getting on the bad side of cops is always a bad idea #personal #just my bs

[uglyducklingofthe2000s]

You Left & I Didn't Wait. - LN

Summary: Lando planned his winter break as one long boys' trip. Y/n and Lando weren't official or serious. So she didn't feel she had any right to comment. But when Lando feels jealousy hit him like a punch to the gut, maybe he has some grovelling to do.

Warnings: Some slut-shaming from and to both Lando and y/n. Reckless drinking leading to alcohol poisoning (drink responsibility kids, but also don't drink until your countries legal age bc I don't condone law breaking)

Admittedly it really sort of stung when Lando was telling y/n about his plans for his winter break and he seemed to have planned to not see her at all. But she had to remind herself of the reality.

What her and Lando had was better duped as a "situationship" as much as she despises that entire concept.

God does dating in this age suck. Fuck everyone who moved dating online.

Y/n thankfully had her girls who all supported her through being strong and single through the holidays (aka the worst time to be single because family won't ever shut up about it) and then after New Year, y/n decided to get out on the prowl.

Sure she really let the most eligible young F1 driver slip from her grasp. But it's a new year.

"God you look so gorgeous." Y/f/n states then looking over y/n's shoulder. "And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Get on this counter. We're about to let a man do a body shot off of you."

Now if y/n hadn't consumed the equivalent of near a whole bottle of vodka and could actually see straight, then she might just have said no. But that wasn't the case, there's probably more vodka in her than blood and the room has been a blur in front of her since they flirted their way into the club since the bouncer was telling them to go home.

"Hey! Hey! Can you help my friend up? We're doing body shots." Y/f/n shouts to the guy that has been watching y/n from across the bar.

Y/n wouldn't be surprised if he actually was watching because he has a bet of which one of the women will either pass out or get themselves kicked out first. Body shots could well and true be the final pull of the trigger for either of those outcomes.

Y/n isn't really sure what sequence of events follow other than y/f/n taking a video of a man licking up from dangerous low on her tummy then slurping the tequila from her belly button. Whether it's the sensation of liquid being sucked from her very liquid heavy tummy or the sudden realisation she has no attraction to this man, but her stomach revolts in protest.

Another blur and she's having her hair held back as she kneels in front of the dingy club toilets. Even the high end expensive club toilets aren't fun to have your face close to. But that's where she is with not y/f/n holding her hair back but some random woman, presumably she'd been in the toilets and noticed y/n needed aid.

Y/n is sick till she notices red and forces herself to stop. No doubt just blood from the sheer amount of alcohol, acid and straining.

"Thank you." Y/n pants before she's yanked up, grateful to get up off the floor.

She loses herself wandering around the club till y/f/n appears out of nowhere. Y/n ends up being pulled along with a couple other men, neither of which licked y/n's belly button tonight so she's counting them as a win and actually with some alcohol gone from her system. She does find that one of them is particularly attractive.

Maybe the rebound sex would be great and she's sobered quite a bit.

-

Thudding brings y/n from the realm of dead back to the living and initially y/n lies sprawled out on her floor like a star. Is it even her floor? She's not sure till she finally pries her eyes open and snaps them closed again before making a second attempt.

"Fuck me." Y/n groans rubbing her eyes harshly.

"I did. A few times. I think." A very vaguely familiar voice states making her push up onto her elbows and find there's a man lying on her floor.

At least she knows it's her place.

"You said you wouldn't have sex on fresh sheets so we slept on the floor." the guy states but her face reads easily and he smiles with a small chuckle. "I'm Tom and you're, y/n. Just in case you forgot your own name too."

"Amazing-what the fuck is that noise? What is thudding? Can you hear that?"

"Pretty sure it's a guy at your door. Your phone has been going off for a while now."

Y/n grunts getting up and throwing some clothes at the guy, making it obvious she's throwing him out and he's not invited to stay for breakfast.

"Get dressed." She instructs just to make herself clear.

Her body aches. She somewhat remembers falling down a flight of stairs. Probably the stupid fire escape, y/n always insists on being able to climb the stairs while drunk.

After a minute of stumbling through her apartment, walking into furniture, walls and almost smacking herself in the face when she lets the door swing open.

"Can I help y-Lando?" Y/n chokes out seeing the driver not hiding his emotions as he pushes into her apartment. "Hey, you can't just let yourself in. I have company."

"Yeah, I can tell." Lando scoffs gesturing to her wearing a lace bralet and shorts which she'd managed to find and pull on during her journey from her bedroom floor to the front door. "We need to talk."

"Now's not really a good-fucking hell." Y/n gasps when a hand hits her ass cheek through the thin white shorts. Before she can get another word out, a finger has hooked her chin and turned her face and she's caught in a sloppy kiss before he pulls back.

"Sorry, had to get one last taste." Gross. She's almost certain what ever she tastes of must at least have some sort of hint of vomit.

"Yeah, um bye Tom. Get home safe."

One last wink is shot her way and he seems to not acknowledge Lando at all which while is probably a wise decision, she can't help but think is pretty rude too.

The door closes and she looks to Lando who has a simmering rage behind his eyes.

"So...we're dating other people?" Lando questions and if y/n had the energy such a question would've landed him with the nearest object to her being thrown at his head.

"I'm not dating him. He was a one night stand." Y/n dismisses while moving away from Lando in search of water, painkillers and maybe some left over pizza that she somewhat recalls purchasing last night. So long as she didn't eat it all. "He was the collateral damage of a girls night out gone rogue."

"So you're going around hooking up with every guy and more that sets his sights on you." Lando scoffs as she pops two painkillers and tosses them back with a mouthful of water. But not even her hospital worthy hangover can continue to snuff out the flames of her anger at such a comment.

"You think I haven't heard the rumours of every fucking bitch you've spent the night with in your lads' trip? Not only multiple women, some two at a time. If it didn't currently make me sick to my stomach I'd applaud you for the pull." Y/n laughs dryly, no humour in her tone as she glares at him.

"I-Those rumours are bullshit." Lando declares earning an eye roll. "I kissed a girl and that's it and it was a mistake."

"Honestly, Lando. It doesn't matter what you did. We-" Y/n gesture between themselves. "-are just friends."

"What?" Lando snaps practically seething at the mere suggestion. "-What the fuck makes you think that?"

Would throwing a plate at his head gain an assault charge if she said he entered the property without permission?

They're both in a rage at each other, but y/n has a massive disadvantage but truly she is so unwell physically.

"You left! You left, Lando. And you didn't call, you didn't text. I was a side piece that you tossed away when you had better things to do with people you preferred the company of. Did you think I was going to wait for you to come back and welcome you with open arms after nearly two months of being ignored and forgotten about? Why don't I just have MUG tattooed on my forehead so you and every other person in the world knows exactly how I apparently want to be treated?"

Y/n can feel her stomach disagreeing with the addition of painkillers and water.

"Can you just leave? I'm-I'm not well and you're making it worse."

Y/n wretches before an alarming bright red liquid spills from her mouth as she uses the counter as support.

"Jesus, y/n." Lando gasps before watching her slide down against the cupboard, narrowly avoiding the puddle of red. "What the fuck did you drink? How much?"

"I don't know. The better part of a bottle before we got to the club...there was a lot of guys buying drinks-"

"Just wait there."

Honestly, her consciousness is dipping. She's exhausted, her body feels like a thousand tones are keeping her pinned to the floor and by the time Lando returns from wherever he'd gone. He gets to just short of stopping her head slide quickly down against the cupboard door and land on the ground with a sickening crack.

-

Lando puffs out a breath as the nurse leaves him with a newly conscious y/n. She has been out for 3 hours after hitting her head. As if her brain needed anymore damage since the amount of alcohol in her system even after being sick had given her alcohol poisoning.

"Fucking hell. I'm never letting y/f/n convince me I need a rebound night again." Y/n grimaces while rubbing at the large bump on her head.

"The doctor said you'll be alright. They just want to keep you for a bit for observation." Lando sighs making her nod. "For the record, I'm sorry...everything you said, you were right to be upset and angry."

Lando hates that she's right, because he knows that none of this would've happened if he hadn't been so damn inconsiderate.

"I want to say you should've said something, but I know I didn't really give you much of a chance." Lando murmurs then standing up and moving to kiss her but she turns her head frowning as he cheeks instead landing on her cheek. "I'll be back in a bit."

Y/n knows a lot of people would kill to have Lando Norris grovelling and apologising for his actions. But in reality, a sorry doesn't change the amount of hurt she's felt over the past 2 months and right now her head is the last thing she's thinking about.

She doesn't really know what "I'll be back in a bit" translates to, but she decides to just wallow and fall into a sleep. Even with painkillers, the dull ache of any movement and the throbbing of her head can't go so easily ignored.

"Y/n...wake up."

"Jesus, don't you know how to leave bad enough alone?" Y/n nearly whines as she forces her eyes open then spotting what Lando did, and there's a couple nurses at the doorway. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

A banner saying "I'm the stupidest man alive, but will you be my girlfriend?" with Lando standing with a nervous looking smile and more balloons than y/n has ever seen in her life fill the room.

"I fucked up. I'm sorry, please let me make it up to you."

Y/n looks at him in awe of his actual courage to leave, then come back and pull this off.

"Alright, you're a muppet but I wasn't broken up about losing you for nothing. Not going to slip on that again." Y/n states making him grin and move towards her finally getting a kiss which doesn't last nearly as long as he wanted it to. "You didn't happen to get to to agree to let me go home, did you?"

"You can go home, but you do have to be kept an eye on." The nurse confirms from the doorway.

"So, I'm on full-time boyfriend duty from the get go." Lando grins while she grimace since Lando is a great guy, but trusting him to play nurse is not something y/n is eager to throw herself into.

"Great." She hums looking at the nurses while smile, clearly just happy to have been a part in getting the two together.

After taking a while to clear up the balloons and banner, which y/n does insist on taking home. When they get to her apartment, she grimaces seeing the towel thrown over the that concerns congealed puddle that Lando presumbly made a weak attempt at somewhat cleaning up.

"I got it." Y/n states since it's her who drank herself to such a disastrous state.

"Y/n, you're concuss. Go lie down." Lando instructs making her look at him for a moment before she sighs as she watches him clean up in the most unorthodox way but she doesn't comment since he's trying and she'll give him credit for that. "Done, now...I'm going to run you a bath and we can get you properly cleaned up."

-

Admittedly, Lando has been going above and beyond. Her body is completely healed, and Lando's hands on approach has yet to really ease up. But with the impending F1 season. He does have to actually get to work and leave her.

"You have to go. Go on." Y/n laughs before she hugs him tightly, not actually giving any sign that she's going to loosen her hold. But equally, Lando really isn't fighting her on it, holding her just as tightly.

"Wish I could just shove you in my pocket and bring you with me."

"Now that would be impressive. Ok, I'll let you go. I got my own shit to sort out. Text me that you get there safe."

"I will." Lando murmurs before leaning forward and kissing her several times. "Let me know what you're doing and if you're going out, just I'll pick you up if I'm heading back before you are."

Lando realised how much y/n meant to him when he had to drive her to the hospital for help, he realised that he loved her in the week following that where he spent every second of the day fussing over her. Y/n is honestly his dream girlfriend and while she's been recovering from head trauma and alcohol poisoning, she's made the effort to let Lando know this isn't going to be a one-sided relationship.

Now they just have to see how going into the season goes. But safe to say Lando intends to have her around a lot.

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[bindeds]

[ DON’T BE SORRY. ] : 5.1k words. 𖤐 LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR X FEM READER. — you’re dating the big boss of hell himself, but it’s a sticky situation when you’re also good friends with a tech-savvy overlord who believes the cause of your boyfriend’s daughter is absolute bullshit.

#tags. slight hurt/comfort, slight jealousy, nsfw (+18), fluff, smut, vox being a hell of a friend, lucifer being vulnerable as hell,

a/n. fuuuuck i forgot to post this under the request but this was the request that i wrote this for <33 didn''t even remember they wanted fluff which is lucky bc i suck at fluff so i don't write it too often but i ended up writing in fluff anyway bc it felt appropriate for the fic SO

masterlist. request something :>

“Sir, someone is here to see you.”

Vox growled. His office would have been pitch black if it weren’t for the multitude of tv screens that stared right back at him, boring holes into his screen. They buzzed and whined with a cyan glare bright enough to light the entire pentagram. Claw marks left the edges of his head unpolished, his bowtie askew as his teeth grinded so hard he wanted to encounter a system error.

“Tell Val I am not in the mood for sorting out whatever’s got his panties in a twist this time—”

“Someone else, sir.”

“Well don’t just stand there you useless fuck! Who the fuck is it?” Static shocks ruptured from the wires on his head as he jumped out of his chair fuming. 

The employee pulled one of the handles of Vox’s grand doors. In pranced a sunlit woman with a grin that stained her cheeks red. On her arms were shopping bags lined all the way down their forearms, marking their weight on her flesh.

You pulled your rose-tinted sunglasses away from your face as you cocked a brow.

“What, are you not happy to see me Vicky?” 

“When are you gonna stop calling me that, you absolute slut!” Vox beamed, and as if a new line of code had entered his program, he shedded his jacket off to peel your shopping bags off you as he set them on his couch.

“What brings you back here after all this time, whore? And whose money are you wearing because I know there’s no goddamn way that’s all yours,” Vox laughed through his clearly lighthearted remarks. 

“Whatever. Whore is right because you’ll never guess who I’m fucking.”

.

On the edge of the pride ring resided halls and halls of vintage red wallpaper and intricate gold decor. Knocking frantically at her father’s door just to ask where his partner had gone was never how Charlie would have imagined her morning to go, ever, but here she was, knees wobbling with her hands clasped together as she waited no longer than a second before she had her fist in the air again to—

“Charlie?” 

“Dad!”

When Charlie had asked of your whereabouts, Lucifer simply frowned, though a hint of terror struck his shrunken pupils.

“Uh—I thought she was with you? Don’t you guys have that trust building exercise thing on today—”

“Yes! Yes that is precisely why I am panicking—she’s not in her room and she never misses our gatherings! Dad, how do you not know where she is?” Charlie screeched anxiously.

“Relax, Charlie I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for—”

“For her not to tell her own boyfriend where she’s going?” Charlie seethed with dirt kicked into her tone. 

“Let me call her, okay?” Lucifer pulled his phone out and speed dialed you. 

Something in his room buzzed intermittently. 

Charlie peered into her father’s room, only to find another phone rattling on the further bedside table.

Lucifer looked over his shoulder to the same view. His shoulders dropped.

“Ohhh no.”

.

“Face it baby, I got bigger bucks than daddy could ever conjure up.”

“Vox!” You punched him in the shoulder, unable to hold back laughs that pulled at the bottom of your stomach.

“What? Oh my god, you actually call him that in bed don’t you, you bitch? Holy shit, you really are a slut!” Vox cracked up after you both had left his building. “Where to?” 

“A few blocks away I got something to show you in the ma …”

Your lips fell numb when your gaze fell on a certain man with a white overcoat tailing in the wind as he approached your direction with a storm in his steps. He had been looking at his sides—your hand moved to shove Vox even before your body could follow.

“Ow, what—”

“Go.”

“Babe, what’s—”

“Vox go GO! Back in now!” You spun him on his heel and elbowed him back into the glass doors of his building lobby.

“Honey?” 

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck—”

He called your name, loud and clear as day that even the ruby skies of hell echoed it.

“That’s him, isn’t it?” Vox deadpanned.

“Hey!”

Both yours and Vox’s heads turned to the sound, Lucifer just a few strides away from possibly opening a portal down a ring.

“You!” Lucifer barked, gaze locked with Vox’s. “The fuck are you doing calling my girlfriend ‘babe’?” 

“Oh, that’s not—”

“Lie to me and I swear to fucking god I’ll make sure they’ll be prying you for parts.”

“Luci.”

“What?” His head snapped in your direction.

A silent gasp escaped you. 

His shoes hadn’t nearly been dragged through as much gravel as his voice had been. It was something he’d dug up from the depths of his chest like it was nothing—and it brimmed with the filth of his own disdain. 

Lucifer blinked hard as he shook his head. “Honey, I didn’t—”

“We’re just friends.”

“I know that but—”

“It’s an expression.”

Lucifer blinked a few times again, and with each blink he lost more and more tension in his brows, his shoulders—even his lips parted, perhaps to say something, perhaps not.

You and Vox were frozen halfway through the door so Lucifer kicked him in and shut the door quickly to leave you and himself out on the street.

“Why didn’t you tell me where you were going?” Lucifer asked, and it was like he placed a pillow to your head with the way his tone softened. His thumb had somehow ended up stroking soft circles on the back of your palm as he held your hand.

Vox stayed inside but his prying eyes stared through the glass nonetheless. He crossed his arms.

“Don’t look at him, darling,” Lucifer consoled with a lowered voice. He delicately took your chin and pivoted it back to him. “Look at me.”

“Look, can we talk about this back at the hotel?” You asked, but with the tone you used, you were teetering on the edge of pleading. “I’m … I’m sorry.”

“Oh, honey,” Lucifer cooed, tucking away any small pieces of hair that hung over your face. “Of course we can.”

All you could do was give Vox a weary glance before you ducked down into Lucifer’s car and disappeared in the distance.

.

The ride back had not been short of thick silences that hung in the air. Everytime you looked to him for some sort of emotion, there was nothing for you to read; his complexion was a still pond resting under the moon’s grace. Not even anger bubbled up the surface—and this is solely based on your assumption of what he must have been feeling, because he was a blank page. It’s only reasonable. 

Lucifer stopped at the newly built hazbin parking lot but didn’t pull out the key.

He looked at you expectantly, turning even his upper body to face you. 

You bit your lip.

“You don’t wanna go inside first?” A squeak of a voice was all you managed.

“I don’t want Charlie to see us upset,” Lucifer reasoned solemnly as he frowned at the floor before he returned his attentive gaze to you. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we can work it out in here.”

“I’m … ashamed, okay,” you exhaled, folding your arms over your chest as you slouched forward. “I’m in hell for a reason. I know it looks bad but I’ve known Vox since he was alive. And I still believe in Charlie’s cause! I’m doing better … you know that, right?”

“Of course, I do, sweetie,” Lucifer blurted immediately, holding your arms like he was the glue to keep you from crumbling apart. “But why did you … did you think I wasn’t going to understand if you had told me?”

“Yes,” you admitted. “Even I wouldn’t have understood if I were in your shoes. I mean, I act like a completely different person around him. And I know what Vox has done, trying to send in Sir Pentious as a spy. It’s horrible. But he wasn’t always like that. Or, maybe he was but—never with me.”

“Honey, I trust you more than just about anyone in this hell. And fuck, that’s difficult in this side of the world, right? I mean—I just … you had me thinking the worst. Well, maybe not the worst but—”

“You thought I was cheating on you, didn’t you?”

“No, never,” Lucifer denied immediately as his eyes widened but his brows furrowed. “I knew it was some kind of mistake. I know you’d never do that to me. But you know … catching up with an overlord like it’s a regular tuesday still raises a few questions if—”

“I know that. I’m sorry. I should have told you. I’m sorry,” you repeated rigidly, curling into yourself so much that your head landed on his shoulder as he still held your arms. 

Lucifer pulled back to hold your face by the cheeks, and you didn’t struggle against him as he pressed his forehead on yours, his hat tilting up to accomodate you. 

“How about a kiss and we’ll call it even?” He smiled, and you felt his warmth spread to your cheeks.

You grinned back. “Okay.”

You tilted your chin up and gave him a kiss, and both of you had sustained it longer than either of you had expected. Your hand cupped his own over your cheek. 

Your lips finally parted, but not much before you both reconnected again, then again, and the third time your mouth was a little more open—and Lucifer’s tongue slithered inside. 

Your tongue met his, and they rolled over each other every time you kissed him. A few more kisses, and suddenly you were biting his lip lightly. He chuckled.

“I can see you’re eager to make it up to me, princess,” he said in that voice he knew drove you up the wall.

“I am,” you hummed, a little more innocently than you had intended. 

“Well, what are you gonna do?” He asked, genuine curiosity brewing in a higher tone.

You slipped away from his flowerbud grasp and pulled the lever of your seat. The backrest declined all the way backwards, and you laid down comfortably while your thumb slid under your dress and hooked around something that was already mildly damp.

“I’m gonna sit back …”

You chuckled as Lucifer’s eyes followed your every movement like a moth to a lamp; he followed the way your underwear slid down your knees before you folded your legs up to your chest to fully rid yourself from the garment. You tossed your underwear in his face before he could get a good view of what he’s getting himself into. 

He shook his head in a jolt, crumpling your panties and stuffing them into his pocket anxiously. But by then you were modest again, with your dress covering your thighs but still riding up dangerously high. 

“And let you decide the rest,” you finished in a thin breath.

“Goodness, okay, woo! Okay—” Lucifer sputtered and fanned his overcoat as he averted his gaze. It didn’t last long when his gaze gravitated towards your core that had been concealed but outlined your dress.

You bit your lip. “Well?”

Lucifer’s shoulder emerged from his coat as he shrugged one side of it off, and your gaze magnetized to the view as it slipped down him like a snake traversing down a tree. 

He planted his knee on the closer edge of your seat and it didn’t take long for him to shift your legs closer together, allowing space for his knees on either side of your thighs. Though, steadying himself naturally had his chest protruding as he held onto the car ceiling for support. His muscles peeked through the folds of his dress shirt, and the same can be said with his chest under his waistcoat. But that—that was no complaint. 

He finally fell to you with only his forearms to keep him up. His eyelids sank, his gaze indecisive between your eyes and your dry lips.

He settled on neither when he ducked below your jaw and planted kisses along it before he strayed downwards. 

The spaghetti string of your dress slid down your shoulder the more your squirmed at Lucifer’s nibbles. You knew the moment he caught sight of this because he hesitated for a tenth of a second. 

He grinned. He took it between his fingers delicately and slid it down further. 

“Whoops,” he grinned. 

Glossy silicon mocked him as it peeked out from what had been peeled off you. 

“Luci, careful with that, I’ll need to put it back on later—”

Lucifer tore it off you anyway, tossing it to the back with his overcoat. “I’ll give you my coat when we go in, you’ll be fine.”

“Luci!” You laughed as he did the same with the other, your nipples stiffened from the cold air of the car. 

Lucifer sat on your pelvis, his hands traveling under your boobs to cradle them. 

You both have had sex multiple times together, and yet every time he removes undergarments off you, he enters a dazed trance like it was something new. Something to bask in the wonders of. 

He massaged your breasts gently, and it didn’t take long before he ducked down and had his lips wrapped around one of your nipples, one hand twisting and playing with the other.

A noise bubbled in your throat but you held your breath and bit your lip. Watching Lucifer hadn’t been any help; he cocked a brow at you, and a cheeky grin still made its way to the red circles on his cheeks as he quicked his tongue’s flicks against you. You gritted your teeth, a squeak making it past your lips. 

His hand abandoned the other nipple, but before you could whine in protest a new sensation rose in your lower stomach as Lucifer shifted his entire body further down.

His fingers had already been deep beneath your folds, your clit sitting pretty between as he pinched it and rubbed it in his grasp.

“Luci … fuck …”

“Atta girl,” he chuckled. Hell, you hated just how raspy his voice gets when he’s worked up. That by itself had been a leg-opener all on its own. “That’s it. Let me hear you sing.”

Your legs flinched at the jolt of pleasure his fingers brought, and Lucifer took this opportunity to lift the hem of your dress for easier access—and perhaps, a pretty view.

Every so often, he’d bring the threat of pushing his middle finger past your walls, but through the haze of pleasure, it was impossible to read his intentions when he easily could have been using your juices to lubricate his ministrations on your clit.

It had been like the wave of a wand, the way his free hand undid his tie. It dangled loose below his collar that he used to straighten out so diligently; something once so clean soon turned into a crumpled mess in your name. 

His wrist pivoted down to the buttons on his waistcoat. The faintest flick of his thumb and suddenly his waistcoat hung dead on his torso before he rubbed faster on your clit, making your squeal. 

Cold air brushed past your arousal at the sudden absence of him, and your walls throbbed against each other in response; they bruised and ached and when Lucifer turned down the brightness of the car light, it was all you could feel besides the leather your nails were sinking into.

“Luci, please …”

“Please what, honey?”

“It hurts,” you whined. You didn’t mean to, and in fact a burning sense of shame rose up to your neck and cheeks as sweat tore through the pores on your forehead but all you could do was grab his hand.

“I’m coming, daddy’s coming.”

A slow zipping sound ensued and just as quickly, the head of his erection pressed into your folds and your dripping walls pushed back from the pressure.

You moaned and grabbed Lucifer’s shoulders out of raw instinct, which brought him closer to you. 

“You want it all, princess?”

“Yes, fuck yes,” your mouth sagged numb from having to carry your writhing heart in your throat. The vulnerability of his skin on yours, the way his head was just so warm compared to the cold air earlier—your pussy throbbed once more.

 “Are you sure?”

“Please please please Luci I can’t—oh! Fuck!”

He pushed his length into you, your neck arching back as you grabbed a fistful of his shirt from where your hands hung around his neck.

Your throat clogged with the embarrassing sounds you knew you would have let out if you had no restraint left. You closed your eyes, knowing well that they were halfway to the back of your head. 

Your stomach seemed to make way for his size in you, tossing and spreading the ache to your limbs as your entire body steeled to accommodate him and the space he filled in you. 

“Are you okay?” He asked. 

You nodded, and a hole punctured through your throat as you sighed shakily. “Yes, god—” 

“Don’t say his name,” Lucifer breathed, his hand soft on your neck as he looked at your lips then back up at you. “If you have to say someone’s name, let it be mine.”

“I’m sorry.” Was the first thing your brain conjured, and the only thing you could utter when all else in there had been undone. 

Lucifer kissed your jaw. “Don’t be sorry baby.”

He took your lips in his, his forked tongue brushing past your teeth once more. “Don’t be sorry.”

It was barely considered movement when he pulled out less than half his entire length and pushed in gently, as if you were something fragile he couldn’t afford to drop. You bit your lip and hummed at how smooth he slid into you, how your juices coated him beyond what was needed. 

He pulled out quickly but reentered languidly, like a wave finding its way to shore your core clenched at the nerves that tingled in you, the bruises almost sated in what it yearned for as he thrusted again, and your heart spewed.

“Fuck, if you make a sound like that again I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself,” Lucifer panted. “You’re so pretty, it makes me tremble.”

You reached up to give him another kiss, tilting your head along with the circles spinning in it. “Do whatever you want to me. You deserve that much.”

“Yeah? Well, I want to treat you like fucking royalty. Savor every inch if you,” Lucifer hissed through his pleasure. A choked moan left you, causing Lucifer to smile. “Yeah, see? Just like that princess. Fuck, taking me so well …”

With how soft his thrusts were, pressure subsided into more liquid pleasure that sloshed over your nerves. They lit up like christmas lights in your brain as you both moved in tandem to Lucifer’s pace. 

A fire had started at your nape from the body heat that had nowhere to go, sweat dripping from your hairline and paving wavy lines of hair that caused your forehead to glisten. Your collarbones warmed up in a different way, Lucifer’s hot breath filling the space between the both of you. 

His thrusts grew anxious over time, but his hips never once hit your ass which might have scalded your stomach further; the fact that this man possessed an iron grip over his control in his strokes, he had been careful not to taint you—he only took from places he knew both of you would be enraptured in—and absolutely nothing less. 

“Honey, I can’t—” he hissed through gritted teeth as his fingers curled in your hair. His eyes wandered down to how your breasts bobbed to his strokes. He moaned your name, and if the car hadn’t been shaking from Lucifer’s rutting, it shook from the way he proclaimed your name and dropped his head like he was bowing to a god. “Holding me so tight—you worried I’m gonna let go, sweetie?”

“No—ngh! You just feel so good I c-can’t!” You yelped in time with each thrust that followed. “Luci, I—fuck!”

His head perked up, just like the bundle of nerves in that oh-so familiar spot. An old friend. 

Lucifer gave a determined grin, sweat trickling down his cheek as he paused to wipe it away. 

“Well, hello,” he greeted in a low sultry voice.

He resumed fucking you, but this time he had you screaming his name as his length rubbed up against that spot your body purred to. You shivered and your walls clenched, causing Lucifer to falter.

“F-Fuck, that’s it, good girl,” he grunted in between controlled thrusts that had your gut squeezing. He never once missed. 

When your walls fluttered, Lucifer chuffed through his teeth and through the fog of your satisfaction, you indulged in the smell of cotton candy sweat. 

“You’re close, princess, so close, I can feel it.”

You gritted your teeth with whatever strength you had left, even your hands had begun to slip from Lucifer’s shoulders. 

 “You?” Was all you could manage. 

“Me? Baby, seeing you like this has me fucked out,” Lucifer huffed. “Shit!”

You squeezed his shoulders before he could pull out.

“In me, Luci!”

He froze, shaking his head to wave away his own daze to focus on you, the things your … request entailed. 

“Darling, I don’t have a condom on,” he whispered as the inner corners of his brow quivered. 

“You’d make beautiful fucking babies, Luci—I wanna carry them.” Your voice had been obliterated from the sounds Lucifer had fucked out of you. Wispy breaths was what it had become—but the red in your cheeks and your weakened yet felicious state made Lucifer smile.

“You’re not thinking straight,” he said your name and it was nearly enough to get you back down from the clouds. “C’mon, honey …”

“Luci …” you whined. “You’re so goddamn hot when you’re being responsible …”

“Yeah?” He laughed softly, cradling your cheek in his hand. 

“Yeah …”

“Let’s finish you up, okay?” He reached up to kiss your forehead but you squeaked from the fact that his length slid deep into you in the process. “Ah, sorry—”

“Don’t be sorry, baby,” you quoted him from last time, and his surprise melted into a warm smile instead. “Please fuck me.”

“As you wish.”

You screamed brokenly as he continued his ruthless pace from before, and he remembered the exact angle to hit. Your nerves were about ready to jump out from your body as you skyrocketed back into the clouds, your orgasm coming sooner than you could warn him. 

“Cumming!” He gritted through his teeth as his horns shot up from his head and you both came together with Lucifer’s cum hitting your dress instead.

Your head hung off the car seat’s headrest. Sweat shimmered on the leather you laid on, and your legs trembled from how long they’d been held at the same position. The only thing you two shared now was open-mouth breaths. You thought of moving, but your muscles were well past its limit to even be lifted.

Lucifer twisted around to grab tissues from the passenger seat compartment. In just a few seconds, he wiped out most of the evidence of himself on your dress. By this time, his horns were long gone and his eyes had returned back to its original form.

“Fuck … I didn’t think this through …” Lucifer grumbled to himself as he hit his temple with his palm. He ran his fingers through his hair before he mustered a weak smile for you. “Wait here, I’ll grab your clothes from your room.”

You exhaled audibly as he vanished with a swirl of sparkling red smoke. 

A few breaths of silence by yourself wasn’t ideal, especially when you felt the whine and ache of your limbs in the fact that you were as good as scattered leaves across autumn grass. 

Just then, your phone buzzed from the cupholder.

You winced as you bent to take it.

Brat >:)

you better not be fucking him right now i swear to FUCKING GOD [ 13:06 ]

you disappear for years and suddenly you’re back and you’re telling me YOU’RE DISAPPEARING AGAIN?&2$:$$3;: FUCKING [ 13:05 ]

HELLO? THE FUCK [ 12 :57 ]

i’m not gonna let even the king of hell himself keep you from me [ 12:16 ]

because i am not done with you yet [ 12:15 ]

bitch you better show me whatever the fuck you wanted to show me earlier before daddy decided to whisk you away like some fucking fairy tale prince [ 12:15 ]

You chuckled as you swiped the notification.

You [ 13:06 ] : bitch you know the dick is good cmon now

Vox [ 13:06 ] : i mean this in the most platonic and murderous way possible, i will fuck you myself if that’ll get you to ACTUALLY BE A FRIEND AND VISIT ME INSTEAD OF DISAPPEARING FOR YEARS

Vox [ 13:06 ] : i already have to deal with the heartbreak of al

Vox [ 13:06 ] : ykw doesn’t matter THE POINT IS THAT YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST FUCKING FRIEND AND I MISS YOU IS THAT NOT REASON ENOUGH

You [ 13:07 ] : okay, okay, how about this sunday then lmaoo

Vox [ 13:07 ] : you better fucking believe i’ll be blowing a fucking hole through that radio prick’s hotel just to pick you the fuck up asshole

You [ 13:07 ] : if i didn’t know any better vicky i would have assumed you’re actually coming to pick alastor up HAHAHAHAAHAHAH

Vox : ( typing … )

Your phone levitated out of your hands and when you followed where it zipped off to—

“Luci!” You sprung up from the declined backrest in surprise.

Lucifer squinted at your phone as he swiped his thumb down on your screen.

“First of all, I’m honored that you’re telling people how well I pleasure you. Second of all,” Lucifer paused, leaning into you as he used his free arm to hold himself up to you. “Vox is in a world of hurt if he thinks I’m gonna let him lay a finger on you.”

“Yeah?” You copied the way Lucifer says it and watched as his face reddened.

You noticed your spare clothes on his lap and you lifted the dress over your head and discarded it on the floor of the backseat. 

You held out your hand for Lucifer to hand you your clothes.

He simply looked at your hand, then back at your naked body, then back at your hand as took it in his own.

You laughed. Hard.

“What—what’s happening why’re you—”

“The clothes, baby!” 

“Oh—Oh! Right! Shit!” He finally handed you an oversized shirt, fresh underwear and a pair of shorts you used to at-home wear. “I thought you were asking for another round or something, holy shit—”

“I mean …” you smirked. 

“Honey …” Lucifer warned, as if trying to keep a predator from attacking. 

“Oh? You don’t wanna? My bad,” you replied innocently. “I was just wondering if Vox was free tonight—”

“I know you’re trying to get a rise out of me but honey …” Lucifer trailed off as he flipped your phone and shoved it into his back pocket. 

He crossed over to your seat once more and pinned you back down where you once were, one knee pressed on the side of your seat as his hands ended up on either side of your neck.

“I hate to remind you that I am the fucking devil,” his voice dripped with a poison much worse than what you’ve heard from Alastor’s static. His horns hadn’t sprouted out yet but with his eyes aching red, it wasn’t too far from reappearing. “And if you love me as much as I love you then there is no goddamn way in this realm I am sharing you with anyone else let alone some overlord who thinks Alexander is worth anyone’s fucking time.”

“It’s Alastor and—” you paused, combing through your hair idly. “Luci, Vox is only a friend from the living world—“

“A friend who thinks he can fuck you.”

“He’s in hell for a reason.” You crossed your arms.

Lucifer sighed and closed his eyes, the red dissipating from them once they reopened. 

“Listen, honey, I—” Lucifer’s gaze lifted away from you for a moment, almost like he’d been overwhelmed with the words clogged in his throat. “You’re someone I can’t afford to … mess up … again. And I know that means simply letting you be. But also, I’ve just—I’ve lost so much, and I only just got Charlie back so I …”

You lifted your arm as your hand fell on his cheek, your thumb softly stroking him back and forth. 

He closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath as he placed his hand on yours. 

“I know Vox is just a friend. And I know it’s insane to think I’ll lose you to him, but … at the end of the day, this is hell. He still mocks the very thing we’re trying to achieve and I get that you’re not like that and that you’re not easily manipulated but I just …”

“Luci …” you muttered. You sat up and kissed him chastely on the cheek. 

“I think about losing you a lot. I think about it to an irrational degree. So it’s not actually something you can fix. It’s something I have to do on my own.”

“Even if that’s true, I can still do my best to be with you and make sure you feel loved everyday. I really was a dick today, I had no idea you were … I’m s—”

“It’s okay. We …” Lucifer chuckled weakly. “We made up, remember?”

“Yeah,” you smiled. “Luci … you know I love you, right?”

“Like the sun loves the moon,” Lucifer said. 

And you knew where it came from, maybe not its exact whereabouts but just how deep it was embedded to him, that statement; he himself had witnessed the creation of the sun and the moon. He knew the tides the two shared, the way their yearning for each other’s pull had been the natural way of things, the only way the people could ever experience day like they do night.

I know you love me because we love like its fate.

.

You and Lucifer walked into the hotel, your back slouched with Lucifer’s overcoat hanging over your shoulders as you folded your arms beneath them. 

“Hey Charlie,” Lucifer greeted, and he told her daughter who was already making her way to you that you weren’t feeling well and that you needed rest. Of course, Charlie nodded and resumed her activities with her other friends. 

You retired to Lucifer’s room, the left side of the bed while he took the right.

“I love you,” your chest exhausted what it had been used to holding for him, until you saw him.

“I love you, too,” Lucifer hummed back, a sigh escaping him like cherry blossoms in the wind. 

“I love you for the soul you are beneath your bones.”

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[trans-leek-cookie]

quietly but visibly having something wrong with me.

#I'm going to burn down AO3 for moral reasons but also because everyone lies about how good the tagging is #MULTIPLE PIECES OF MEDIA ARE SEPERATE TAGS DESPITE BEING NEAR ONE TO ONE ADAPTIONS #and while I did check and it's finally fucking split. #HALF LIFE AND HLVRAI HAD TO SHARE A TAG FOR LIKE A FUCKING YEAR. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE TAGGING SYSTEM IM THROWING ROCKS AT PEOPLE #I will commit felonies about ao3 why does the tagging suck so bad when it's the closest thing to a 'pro' the site fucking has. #Filtering tags is a god damn NIGHTMARE LET ME LEAVE!!! FILTERING SPECIFIC TAGS THAT ARENT SORTED LIKE TAGS IS A NIGMARE. #Making something called archive of my own and if you post shit I don't like I kill you in real life. Unparalleled quality of works hosted. #All in all this is about having a specific tag that people use but ISNT FUCKING FILTERED SO I CANT GET RID OF THE GROSS SHIT #OR EVEN THE SHIT THAT I JUST DONT LIKE! WHY FUCKING BOTHERRRR

[maxknightley]

on the one hand I do understand where people are coming from when they respond to The White American Desire For Authentic Culture by going "you already have a culture" and pointing out that this desire often has reactionary undertones

that being said, I think it's largely sidestepping the actual issue, which is that American culture fucking blows chunks. American culture is strip malls and military worship and the elevation of mass-market pablum to Bold Artistic Statements.

and subculture is only partially an escape from this, because most subcultures exist within the same constraints of American culture as a whole; they are captured and redefined by capital on such a frequent basis that it often feels impossible to hold onto them in any meaningful way.

moreover, even the parts of American culture that aren't complete garbage are more or less inextricable from the colonial, imperialist, and racially-stratified history of the country. like, I think of that post that went around a while ago talking about "America sucks but has some good parts," and one of the things it listed was national parks, and people (rightfully!) pointed out that the national park system is fundamentally flawed and tends to shit on indigenous nations by design.

the only thing I can think of that's even sort of an exception is pop culture - jazz and rock music, superhero comics, Hollywood. and all of those are, again, captured and defined by capital, and in one way or another have historically been built on screwing over the artist.

so we come to a position, one way or another, where a lot of people say something like: "I'm alienated. I'm surrounded by traditions and institutions I think are shit; I have no way to meaningfully undermine them, and I can't escape them without effectively destroying my life. the culture I was born into is a gravestone on top of another gravestone, lifeless and miserable, and people are constantly shouting that I should be grateful because it's The Greatest Country In The World."

at that point, one seeks an escape, and I think there are three major routes here.

one is to become a weird lib obsessed with the Real Soul Of America. America is really about the good parts, not the bad parts which outnumber them and which they are built upon.

another is to fixate on the Exotic, for lack of a better word. cultures which you do not have an obvious "connection" to, but which fascinate you or appeal to you. obviously this can be pretty fucking fraught, though I would argue that taking an interest in other cultures is a good thing if you aren't shitty about it. (That's its own conversation.)

the third is to fixate on the culture(s) you feel you "ought to have" had, that which was sacrificed on the altar of whiteness by grandparents or great-grandparents who, frankly, had different concerns. to look at a culture that may still be defined in many ways by cruelty and stratification - the way I would argue most human civilization has been - but that seems to have had something else going on, at least. a culture that may not have been recognizable 500 years ago, but at least it existed.

again, none of these impulses is beyond criticism, and I think it would be naive to say that the last one can't have reactionary undertones. I also doubt these impulses are unique to the USA! alienation is extremely common in today's world, and it's not as though the USA is the only settler state in existence.

what I am saying is more that I think the conditions that lead to these fixations are worth paying attention to, and that dismissing them with "you already have a culture" kind of misses the point in favor of getting in a zinger. people wouldn't want a different culture if they were happy with the one they had. like so many other things, people want one that Doesn't Completely Suck. failing that, they'd probably like to not be defined by any culture at all - but that, tragically, is just as impossible.

#related to the post i just rb'd obviously #idk. i don't know how Developed these thoughts are but they're bouncing around in my brain

[khattikeri]

one of my favorite things about mdzs is that for how heavily its plot involves politics of classism and misogyny... even the characters most directly impacted by it can't and don't free themselves from it. literally the closest exception is mianmian.

meng yao being the "son of a whore" wasn't some sort of commie awakening for him that led him to wanting everyone to be socially equal. he played the political game, climbed the ladders, sucked up to and backstabbed and murdered people, including other prostitutes who actually had nothing to do with how he and his mother were treated at the brothel he grew up in.

he put in so much extra excessive effort for even a fraction of the same respect that members of gentry cultivation clans got. and he did deserve to be treated more humanely! but he feeds into the exact same system that created him, leading to his own undoing.

his efforts were for a fragile upward mobility that was never going to hold up. he never surpassed his origins nor did he empower others in similar stations, because the society he lives in is not one that would accept that.

the second he got caught and all those crimes exposed, he was scapegoated to hell and back, replacing wei wuxian as society's terrible one-sidedly evil boogeyman overnight.

speaking of not-quite male gentry, i think it's interesting that wei wuxian explicitly doesn't try to climb the ladders in BOTH lives, knowing full well that anything he does will be punished just for the sheer fact that he is wei wuxian.

wei wuxian is scolded for giving intelligent and correct answers in school. lan wangji does the same and is praised.

wei wuxian occasionally lounges around with fellow disciples and is punished. jiang cheng does the same and mostly escapes.

wei wuxian refuses to carry his sword around in public (after losing his golden core, which nobody knows) and is scorned as an arrogant upstart. nie huaisang has been doing the EXACT SAME THING for YEARS and nobody bats an eye.

unlike jin guangyao, wei wuxian knew subconsciously from the start that his acceptance was superficial and that he could be cast out any time. when he was 10 and recently taken in by the jiangs, he canonically would not eat or use "too much" food and water because he thought they'd find him a nuisance for "wasting their things" and kick him back out.

now away from just the classism, yu ziyuan is a proud and strong noblewoman in a society that belittles and derides women for everything they do. her strong cultivation doesn't matter. she's victim to the vicious rumors of her husband loving another woman who is strong like her but apparently had a more likeable personality.

it doesn't matter even if jiang fengmian didn't cheat or that wei wuxian is wei changze's son with cangse sanren; yu ziyuan can't bear with the humiliation of herself (and by extension her children) not being "good enough". she's ridiculed for "failing" in that one duty as a wife, mother, and woman.

she lashes out and takes out that anger on everyone present for years, giving her children lasting trauma and also being a key element in how the jiang family and yunmeng jiang sect are effectively wiped out at the hands of the wen clan.

madam jin doesn't even have a name outside of the fact that she's married to jin guangshan. i don't even remember reading anything that indicates if she's a strong or weak cultivator, or what, which in itself proves that to most people, it doesn't matter. she's "just" a woman.

of course she's angry at her husband's affairs and all the bastard children they bring in. but she also can't do anything about them, so she lashes out at the few people she can: servants. non-cultivators, probably. those very same bastard children.

shoutout to meng yao getting shoved down a flight of stairs at age fourteen, because if madam jin tried that move against her husband instead, it would make her lose even more face, which as a noblewoman she'd never do.

and that's not getting into how jiang yanli is consistently sidelined for being physically weak.

that's not getting into how mianmian was actually a good cultivator, but was mocked by everyone around her for trying to stand up for wei wuxian when everyone was turning on him. how everyone scoffed at luo qingyang's words as "just some lovesick woman" who "obviously wants to marry or bed him since he saved her".

luo qingyang is the only one of these characters who HASN'T died. she didn't play society's games like jin guangyao. she didn't dig her heels in confidence of her own abilities like wei wuxian.

she didn't bitterly lash out like yu ziyuan and madam jin. she didn't gently accept it like jiang yanli.

she just LEFT.

she married an ordinary merchant and cultivates separately from mainstream cultivation society, and therein found her own peace and happiness.

mxtx doesn't bother with particularly class conscious or feminist vocabulary to hand-hold readers into understanding these disparities, but that choice highlights them & the deeply entrenched politics of their society even more. i really love it.

#keri chats #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #long post #mdzs spoilers #im novel only but still tagging. #the untamed #cql #yeah yeah everyone's written meta addressing this aspect of the story BUT I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIMEEEEE #maybe i just don't get to read a ton of books often; esp not ones that mirror my own culture. but it's just so. soooooo. augh #the fact that the setting itself enables so much of the tragedy in mdzs... which is true of all tragedies but STILL... #this isn't even getting into qin su and the power imbalance w her and jgy post-reveal... man. #man. so much going on here. man #THIS POST IS MESSY AND BARELY EDITED BUT IF U READ IT. ILU