#my whole life at this point is wishing i had even the motivation to try anything anyone else i see doing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

revvethasmythh · 25 days

Text

Have you witnessed discoursing about Orym in the past several months? Would you like to be more well-informed about the subject matter? Well, then, do I have a post for you! As a reference for myself and potentially for others:

A Comprehensive Write-Up Of Relevant Times And Contexts Where Orym Has Brought Up His Dead Family While The Group Discusses The Vanguard/Predathos--With Receipts

Disclaimer: these are all of the instances in which I was able to find independently through the Critical Role transcript search, not from rewatching everything. It is therefore possible there are some instances unaccounted for.

Episode 34. Post-resurrection after being killed by Otohan Thull, he brings up the fact that Otohan had a hand in killing his family to emphasize to Imogen how dangerous Otohan is and that she may potentially continue to be an issue for her specifically due to her apparent interest in Imogen (exalting her during the battle in the previous episode)

2. Episode 46. An early God Talk™️, prompted by Ludinus using (presumably) Feeblemind on Professor Kadija Sumal. He holds his opinion until the very end of the conversation, after entertaining Imogen's idea that "they make some good points" and listening to the group discuss if the gods are good or bad for several minutes.

"I don't need to debate it. I lost my husband and father to these people, I'm not on board. Some of the gods are terrifying, and some of them have put their thumbs on the scales for people for centuries, even in the last few decades. Who are they, who are we to decide who lives or dies, god or mortal or otherwise? I don't think they have any good points."

3. Episode 49. He brings them up combatively ("Well, Imogen, I wish. my family didn't have to die for their brighter tomorrow"), against Imogen's statement of, "What if it's not that bad? [...] What if what we're doing is just fighting change?" after she solely received a vision of a Utopia-like future from her mother. Imogen backs down quickly after his reproach and acknowledges that the vision was likely a part of cult brainwashing.

4. Episode 61. Orym pulls Prism aside, after she asks the party and Elder Abbadina if Predathos would cause a world-ending event, or if it would only be bad for some (the Elder did not know anything about Predathos at all), to say, "I don't think we know anything [...] The only thing I have to go on is the track record of the guys trying to bring Predathos out. And that track record is not very good." At further prompting from Prism about if he ever thought the Vanguard's ideas were right, he says, "Prism, I don't understand the gods. I don't know anything about the titans. I don't know an eidolon from eyeliner. [...] But I'm a widower, because of the people who want to bring this about. So it's hard for me to wrangle with the other side."

5. Episode 61, pt. 2. Orym listens to the party converse with Elder Abbadina for a little while longer before silently sneaking out "to go think about his dead father and his dead husband."

6. Episode 77. Another God Talk™️ with the whole party, prompted by FCG asking what everyone's motive was in going to the moon. For his reasoning, he says, "We don't know what's going to happen to any inch of this world if Predathos is unleashed. Yeah, this started with my husband and my father. It's so much bigger than that. If my life can secure the lives of everyone who comes after us, well spent."

7. Episode 92. After the death of another loved one to Otohan Thull, in response to Liliana's statement that temples might hunt down Ruidusborn in the theoretical event that Ludinus' plot is foiled, "Cold comfort for my family in the ground."

8. Episode 92, pt. 2. In response to a throwaway, thoughtless comment Ashton made that, "I hope [Liliana] is right. I really do. I hope her ends are fucking great because these means are just not forgivable." Orym has Chetney bring out Otohan's sword, jams one into the sand and declares, "This is the sword that killed my father and my husband. She is not right."

So, with all of the information in front of us, what conclusions can we draw from them? When asked by others to assess if the Vanguard has valid points, Orym repeatedly abstains from having an opinion. Whether or not the Vanguard has a reason to be upset is irrelevant to him--what is relevant is the loss of life they have incurred along the way. Orym takes no stance on the gods, he repeatedly states he doesn't understand them or know anything about them or harbor much of a connection to them. As far as he is concerned, his role in this is to oppose the violence being done to the people of Exandria. Why waste your time debating the merits of a cult's ideology when you know, in the end, you will have to fight against them to end the slaughter? To protect people?

And for what it's worth, in almost every instance, Ashton has effectively taken the same side as Orym. I have not included all of these moments, but they are easily located if you wanted to search up these moments on your own. The continual focus on de-legitimizing Orym's opinion seems strongly tied to the fact that he has a personal reason to hate the Vanguard. But facts being facts, Ashton hates them just the same--and he has no love of the gods, either. He hates the Vanguard based on their actions, same as Orym. In fact, Ashton and Laudna have both expressed outright dislike for the gods, and all other Bells Hells except for FCG expressed ambivalence. This is not about the gods. Not for Orym, not for the others who remain. This is about no more bodies on the pyre of Ludinus' machinations.

P.S. if you know of any other instances this topic has come up that I have not included, please feel free to let me know! I want this post to be as comprehensive as it can be, but I am fallible and may have missed something. Don't be afraid to tell me about a scene I missed!

#is this a little bit petty? yes #but also i genuinely did want all the info in one post for reference's sake #so hopefully this reference has helped others as well as decent compilation of information!#cr tag #I contemplated maintagging this. but. maybe that's a little too petty even for me #anyway the people who want to find this will probably find this. so.

172 notes · View notes

zuyoo · 2 months

Text

linger, one-shot. ﹙ nagi & gn!reader ﹚ 비애

CONTENT WARNING — clueless nagi, (open-ended) angst, misleading actions, images used are not face claims but rather used as a reference to visualize a scenario. enjoy reading !!!! :D

SYNOPSIS — you’re in love with your best friend, nagi seishiro, who is oblivious of your feelings but treats you well more than just a friend

ZUYOO’S NOTES — noOOoO 10 images limit on tumblr mobile app ( ꒦ິ ཀ ꒦ິ ) word count is probably a little over 1000 if not more than that.. ok ily enjoy reading MWAAA

p.s. i love u, everyone who leaves feedback and/or reactions with all my life :DD it just makes me feel so motivated in writing, thank you all sm!!

it started with one message, which lead to another… then another… then more. you two instantly clicked right after being attending the same club in your university. you’ve seen him before, and thought that he looked hard to approach—since he’s always on his phone, barely talks, and is always either practicing, in class, or out of reach (in his dorm)

you two grew close after talking about similar interests, and it didn’t take too long for you to develop feelings for him. i mean… how could you not when he has treated you way better than any other man who’s walked out of you life?

he messages you on a daily basis, doesn’t hesitate to come over and take care of you when you tell him that you aren’t feeling well, treats you to meals, drives you home, tries new hobbies because you told him you like those.

nagi has the looks, the talent, the brain, the skill, the body that a girl could ask for. you’re simply lucky enough to be near his presence—and oh boy how all the girls that see you two together makes you feel it.

their glares and side glances sharp as a knife, it gave you goosebumps all over. but you eventually paid no mind to their stares, the only thing that mattered at the moment is how you’d spend your day with nagi!

it’s been three years since your first interaction with him, and you two haven’t changed a thing. take it with a grain of salt. yes, you two still treat each other the same way, and no, he is not your anything—just a friend.

he’s such a fish to catch that you’re surprised why he’s still not seeing anyone at this point. maybe there was some point that you’ve thought about how there could be possibility that he could like you the way you like him, which is stopping him from seeing anyone else.

or maybe his actions has raised your hopes up and made you delusional. how could you know? you’ve been friends for three whole years now, yet you still can’t read him.

he left you on delivered? that’s new. well- it was bound to happen. it’s not like he’s obligated to reply or at least leave a reaction… right? right. you’re his best friend. nothing more, nothing less.

but what could he be doing? it’s a sunday. he doesn’t have practice, and the term just started. he couldn’t have had any assessments he needed to finish.

your questions were quickly answered once you’ve opened up your twitter app and found someone unfamiliar in your timeline.

“pfft—this happens all the time.” you say. “and they’re always fake.”

and how you wished you were right.

“oh.” was everything you could let out, as if that one tweet didn’t break your heart into pieces. you were glad he’s finally seeing someone—but at the same time, you had hoped that it was just a misunderstanding, that he’s actually maggy’s cousin… or something! just not her suitor. even though the signs are as clear as day.

it was petty, and this- this will hurt you, and it’ll hurt bad. so you had no other choice but to try and distance yourself away from him as much as possible, to save yourself and to respect who he’s been seeing. it was for the better… but—he was making it hard.

nagi’s completely clueless!

you didn’t know whether to laugh it out because of how oblivious he is. does he not realize what he’s doing to you?

at this point, you start to realize how none of it was your fault in the first place. you couldn’t control you feelings, and it certainly didn’t help that nagi treats you way too well.

even so, you could never blame him. it could just be in his nature, to be kind, lovable, and to be the pinnacle of a girl’s dream. and you were the one at fault because you’re taking advantage of his kindness to satisfy your curiosity regarding what it felt like being handled with genuine care, only for it to backfire—seeing that you actually fell for him big time.

still, that wasn’t your first train of thought when you met him. you genuinely wanted to be friends because he seemed like a cool guy. it just so happens that your heart begun to agitate more and more everyday when you’re with him.

or maybe it was maggy’s fau—oh my god, make up your mind, yn!!

“let’s not put the blame on everyone. whatever happened, happened. none of it matters now. i just have to get myself out of this mess… then i’ll be back to same, old me. right.” you thought to yourself.

you have been ignoring nagi for the past three days, leaving him on delivered, and practically scrambling away when you see him in the hallways—or everywhere, actually.

did you tell him why you’re doing this? no, why would you?

does he care? a lot, as a friend, most likely.

he’s been trying to reach you for the past 3 days, while you were off running everywhere but to the places you and nagi went to together, which is hard because you’ve both been to every cafe, every movie theater, every arcade, every mall your city could offer.

there was this one place you two haven’t been in yet. it was perfect for admiring the view below, or simply a place to just clear your mind.

you planned on going there after classes were over, and it made you quite excited. you were supposed to go here with nagi but… you know, things happened. nonetheless, you wanted to enjoy this, even if it meant not being able to bring nagi with you.

after class ended, you bid your farewell to your friends before getting into a cab and going to the rooftop lounge that recently just opened.

you opened the door that leads to the lounge and was surprised by what greeted you at the door.

it was nagi, with maggy. their hands intertwined as they admire the city.

ouch. seeing them like that felt like ten thousand trains running me over.

you were about to leave when you heard her call for your name. you froze on the spot, a course of thoughts ran through your brain on whether to run for it, or play a good face and not ignore her calls.

“y/n! come join us.”

you made the decision to turn around and approach them instead… she waved and smiled at you. god—how can you make such a lovely woman?!

it was too late to run anyways, you felt their eyes on you when you froze by the door, it would be far too embarrassing to just leave with them knowing that you heard maggy call for you.

“hey, i couldn’t reach you.”

nagi greeted. you briefly glanced into his eyes and gave him a smile before breaking eye contact. you could barely look into his eyes—you might burst out crying if you stare any longer.

“i was busy.”

you replied, dryly. you really were busy; busy with assessments, busy distracting yourself from your feelings, busy doing whatever it takes to forget about nagi… but if you two keep meeting like this—and if he keeps trying to talk to you, it will pose a challenge for you to fully move on.

why do you have to let it linger? you ask him in your mind as if he could read it. his constant concern for your wellbeing, his actions towards you, his daily messages checking up on whether you’ve eaten your meals yet—why does he have to let your feelings for him linger?

unknowingly, sure. but has he have not a single clue on why you’ve been distancing yourself? on why you haven’t been hanging around much?

you missed him, really. but this was the perfect distance for you both. he can keep reaching out until the day he gets sick of it; but as much as you want to respond to him, you can’t—you shouldn’t.

the following months were practically the hell. you’ve completely cut off contact with him (you ghosted him, basically) and was buried in a never-ending cycle of homework and projects, leaving no time for anything else.

when the semester ended, your friend, bachira, invited you to his party. he noticed that you were completely restless and said that you needed to loosen up a little.

it was 12 in the evening but the party has just begun—you could consider yourself a fan of staying at home in my comfy pajamas and old indie movies, rather than a party ‘til sunrise & drink ‘til you drop type of person… which lead you to excusing yourself out of the room with flashing lights and booming music to find somewhere else more peaceful to drink.

you found yourself on a huge balcony with a red cup on your hand. thank the gods that the doors muffles out the noise coming from the inside.

this was just right. and honestly what you needed. all that workload from the past few weeks has been killing you.

what you didn’t expect was for someone to break the silence you gave yourself.

“it was about time i saw you again. and out of all the places i thought i would see you in, a party was not one of them.”

nagi spoke nonchalantly. his sudden interjection jolted you out of your own thoughts. it’s been about six months since you’ve broke off contact with him. hell, you could barely remember his voice.

“oh fuc-… ah. i’m sorry- i should find another place.”

“no. stay. you owe me an explanation.”

maybe it was just you, but given where this conversation is headed… he sounded intimidating. his voice didn’t change much, perhaps it didn’t change at all, but you heard the sharpness of his words and felt the need to comply to whatever he says.

“sorry.”

“sorry doesn’t cut it, y’know?”

he lightly chuckled before mixing his drink around his own red cup that he brought.

“right… sorry. but, how are you? how’s maggy?”

“ah. it didn’t work out. she’s nice but it really isn’t working out for us.”

“oh. sorry.”

that was a surprise. you thought they’d still be all lovey-dovey with each other. maggy is a lovely girl, what could’ve gotten wrong?

“another apology and i’ll keep bothering you. you wouldn’t like that won’t you? considering how you’ve completely ghosted me for 6 months without an explanation or even a subtle hint of why you did it? right?”

“hey-!”

okay… maybe he hasn’t changed that much. he still holds his grudges. nagi broke eye contact and looked up to the moon with this… yearning look on his face—he looked so pretty, it was pathetic!!

a sigh left your lips before nervously starting to explain you side, since you felt like he really needed to know why. plus, it was a good chance to let go of that burden.

maybe a confession was nagi’s needed closure, and your way of letting go of the guilt of knowing you’ve randomly disappeared in his life without him even knowing anything.

“i like… liked. you, nagi. more than a friend should’ve.”

“what?”

his actions came to a halt. oh, he was THAT clueless

“aha—yeah… but then there came maggy. she was such a lovely person, and i know you deserved to be loved like that. i should’ve been happy for you, but i really couldn’t bring myself to. it hurts seeing my best friend whom i’ve liked for the longest time smile because of a person they’re romantically involved with, y’know?”

you weren’t able to find the strength to look at him as you explained, but it felt like a weight was lifted off of your shoulders after.

“i-”

“no, don’t say anything. i just really needed to let that out… for your sake, and mine. i also wanted to thank you. y’know—for everything. you’ve been a great best friend, nagi.”

“okay but-”

he didn’t get to say whatever he wanted to say because the door that leads to the party suddenly opened, revealing a tipsy bachira.

“y/n!! here you are~ and nagi too!!”

bachira gleefully said before dragging y/n back inside, leaving nagi alone in the balcony.

he watched your figure get lost in the crowd of people partying without end, saying:

“ah-… i liked you…too?”

332 notes · View notes

nicksbestie · 3 months

Note

Hiii could i request a Johnnie Guilbert x gn reader where johnnie has a giant crush on reader and reader flirts w him and flusters him

Yes!!! This was so fun to write bc it's my first fic for this fanbase, so pls give me feedback!! and send in more reqs!! <3

Hallway Crush

word count : 1909

no warnings!

pairing : johnnie guilbert x reader

enjoy! <3

School had never really been Johnnie’s thing.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t good enough to pursue an incredible education, it was just that he didn’t normally have the motivation. He wasn’t dumb, he was incredibly intelligent, but he just didn’t have the energy to push to show it most days. He was the kid who always passed, very average but not stellar grades, but every now and then shocked his teachers and classmates with pulling out a top of the class grade. He would laugh and call it his magic trick if you ever asked him about it. However, music was his thing, and because of that, he took every musical arts related class that he could during his years in high school.

He was a quieter kid, with a much more alternative style of dress, and because of both of these factors, he was a bit of a loner. He wasn’t disliked, per say, but he wasn’t popular, and he didn’t go out of his way to attempt to gain a large group of friends. He had a few friends his age who went to other schools that he saw quite often, and those were good enough for him. He didn’t see a point in trying to put himself out there, so to speak, when he was quite comfortable where he was. Quality over quantity, right? That, of course, didn’t mean that there weren’t times in his life where he wished that more people adored him like they do for a lot of the popular teenagers.

Sometimes it helped to be more on the outcast-y side. He could get away with silent observation, learning things that nobody had any idea that he knew about. He was a kid people talked so much around, but not to. They weren’t worried that their secrets would be spilled or spread around in any sort of way because they didn’t believe that he had anyone to tell them to, or that anyone would believe him in the first place. But other times, he wished he had more of the school, or at least his grade’s, support. Like now, when he had a massive crush on the most popular student in the entire school. Maybe, if he did, he would have more of a chance.

He tried not to think about it a whole lot. It wasn’t good for him to dwell on things, as he had learned early in life. It caused his mental health to struggle if he stewed on a specific negative topic for too long, and even though the topic of a crush isn’t inherently negative, the fact that he didn’t feel like it would ever go anywhere was. Being that he didn’t have a lot of friends at the school he was at, he wasn’t a stranger to staring looks and laughing sometimes. He wasn’t exactly bullied or picked on, but when people ran out of new, fresh, drama to talk about, it was easy for them to turn to the kid who was never really speaking to many people.

He used music to escape his own head, and he always had. It had been a coping mechanism of his for so many years, before he was even old enough to realize what it was, or what had caused him to need it more and more. He was incredibly musically gifted, a natural talent within the dexterity of his fingers for guitar, and it was always a calming thing for him to partake in. Sometimes he wrote his own music, but most times when he just needed a quick release, he would pick a song that he had been resonating with lately and strum through it a couple times. He would get lost in the feeling of the music and the feeling of the strings underneath his fingertips. It was always a thing that caused him to completely lose track of time, and he loved it. It was always a perfect thing to enjoy something you were also so good at. It kept that passion for it alive.

The music room was where he went during his free time. He couldn’t drive, and luckily, his free periods lined up with the music free periods, so he could always be found in that room, playing something on his guitar in the back corner. He also went there during lunch, preferring to spend the time doing something productive for his music. He really wanted to go into a career in music, and he was working so hard to achieve that despite many of the struggles he was facing at the same time. He poured his heart and soul into every song, every piece, that he wrote, and even when he didn’t like the music very much, he was proud of his ability to be vulnerable and put it onto the pages. That had taken a lot of personal growth for him to realize that to put good songs and things that he was proud of into the world, he would have to bare parts of himself for view.

It was during this part of his day, lunch time, when he was sitting in the music room, playing on his guitar. He was the only one in the room, and like usual, he was sitting in the back, not wanting to disturb anyone who could potentially choose to walk in. And after about ten minutes of the lunch period going by, there was someone who walked in, and Johnnie wanted to curse all ancestors before him for this type of bad luck. It would be the one person that he wanted to see more than anyone else in the school, but at the same time, he wouldn’t have been able to really talk to without humiliating himself. Only his luck.

He didn’t speak to you when you walked in, but he did offer a kind smile when you looked up and made eye contact, before looking back down at his guitar and continuing to work on his own music. You had stopped by the music room because you had a music project that had to be completed, but you weren’t very musically inclined, so you felt very grateful that you didn’t have to present it, only had to turn it in. However, you did still have to make an effort, but you didn’t have a guitar at home, so you were stopping by to use the ones in the music room. You only knew a couple of chords, but it was the most that you knew on any instrument, so it was your best option. All you had to do was come up with a simple melody, a short strumming pattern, and that would pretty much be it, but for someone who wasn’t great at music, that was harder than it sounded.

And it sounded pretty bad. Johnnie would never have said that directly to your face, but if you had turned around and watched him in the back corner, you would have been able to see him slightly grimacing whenever a chord sounded particularly bad. He wasn’t judging, necessarily, he remembered very well when he had been playing the exact same way, and if he felt anything, it would just be sorry for you because he could see on your face how frustrating the chords sounding incorrect were for you. After about ten more minutes of this, he stopped playing his own guitar, quietly watching and listening to the chords you were attempting to play. He listened to a couple shaky renditions of them, and attempted to play them on his own instrument.

As soon as he did, you turned around, noticing how he froze as soon as your eyes were on him.

“No, go on. Please. That’s exactly what I wanted it to sound like. How did you do that?”

Taking a leap of faith, he got up to move across the room, pulling a chair up next to you and reaching his hands out.

“May I?”

You handed him the guitar, nodding, intently watching the way that he adjusted it on his lap before beginning to play it again.

“You’re not pushing the strings down hard enough, and your fingers are too far away from the fret. That’s why it sounds so… that’s what you need to fix for it to sound a lot better.”

You laughed, gently taking the guitar back.

“Sounds so bad, it’s okay, you can say it.”

He smiled, a blush gently dusting his face.

“I wasn’t going to say bad. I was going to say buzzy but I felt that might be slightly insulting.”

You shook your head, taking his advice and focusing on repositioning your fingers the way he had instructed. Strumming downwards, a smile broke out on your face when the first chord sounded so much better. Confidence boosted, you moved to the next one, wincing when it sounded worse than the original. His kind expression didn’t disappear, and instead he moved closer, a question in his eyes before he spoke it. You attempted to hand the guitar back to him, assuming he was going to ask to hold it again for a demonstration, but he quickly cut you off.

“No, keep everything where you are. Can I touch you?”

You couldn’t deny the fact that your heart was racing. Despite your opposite styles and aesthetics, you had always found the style that Johnnie wore incredibly attractive. It wouldn’t fit you the way that it did him, but it looked so damn good on him, and apparently, he was oblivious to that fact. You wouldn’t have called it a crush at first assumption, but maybe that’s exactly what it was. You hide those feelings, throwing on a cocky look and smiling at him.

“What exactly are you asking for?”

He stammered in defense before noticing that you were smiling at him, and the dusty pink that had been on his face now turned a much darker red, and he just shook his head, looking back down at the guitar, refocusing. However, you thought if you were going to be getting closer to finishing this project, you were at least going to have a little fun while you were at it, especially with such a pretty boy right in front of you.

“Don’t worry, I’m just messing with you. I’d say yes regardless, though.”

His head snapped back up, an unbelieving laugh slipping out of his lips.

“You can’t just say things like that.”

You smiled at him, motioning for him to continue what he was doing, and he did. He moved around behind you to adjust his arm on the guitar as well, and gently moved and applied pressure to your fingertips before telling you to try strumming it now.

“Why not?”

He shook his head, instructing you to test out the chord again before replying.

“You just can’t.”

The chord sounded wonderful in comparison to what it had sounded like thirty minutes prior, and you were so grateful for all of Johnnie’s help. His head was right next to yours, a gentle smile on his face, a little bit of pride, and a lot of blushing prompted your next question.

“Can I kiss you instead?”

He turned his head to stare at you, nearly wide-eyed, shocked with the realization that this wasn’t a dream, it was actually happening. This time, he didn’t hesitate to reply.

“Yes. That you can do.”

#johnnie guilbert #johnnie guilbert fanfic #johnnie guilbert x reader #johnnie guilbert fic #johnnie guilbert fanfiction #johnnie and jake #fanfic #jake webber fluff #jake webber fanfic #jake webber fanfiction #jake webber #jake and johnnie #johnnie guilbert smut #johnnie guilbert fluff #the tinas

265 notes · View notes

gaywarcriminals · 14 days

Text

Shen Jiu is an Abusive Mother

Yeah this is my Mother's Day post <3 This is just for funsies, and I by no mean think its the best lens through which to see SJ and LBH's relationship— its just a comparison I find interesting, and I was feeling festive 🥰.

To start, none of this is to say that SJ is a feminine character. I don't believe that, and I think that he's often misinterpreted as more feminine by western fans due to differences in gender norms/gender roles (which is a Whole Other Coversation). Maternal/mommy are being used loosely here.

Secondly, I don't think we'd even be looking at SJ through a maternal framework if the man who took over his body wasn't Shen "I would never abort you" Yuan. SJ is mostly pulled into this because he exist in juxtaposition to Mr. Freud's Wet Dream (go read tshirt's SVSSS Freud zine btw, several points here are inspired by it).

The fact remains, though, that even without Wifebeam Supreme playing the part, there is something distinctly parental about the role of Shizun. Shizuns cannot be compared to teachers or tutors, who the child either go to visit durning the day, or who come to the child's home when it's time for lessons. Even with the respect due to them, a teacher remains distinct from a child's home and family. They do not overly incorporate themselves into these things that define a child's life.

Shizuns are a little different. There is, ofc, lots of variation within the xianxia and wuxia genres, but in most of the stories I've encountered— and more importantly for our purposes, in SVSSS itself— unless the child’s family home is their sect, when a child is accepted as a disciple, they're expected to join their shizun/shifu either in the master's home/sect, or in free-roaming travel. In both cases, the shizun's home becomes the disciple's home, and their shizun becomes the main adult responsible for the child. The master will take over in guiding the child's development from here, shaping them by their hand. Is that not a parent? I think some such imprinting is inevitable, even among more well-adjusted disciples. Do you know who's not well-adjusted?

Luo Binghe enters the sect soon after the death of his mother. There is a mommy shaped hole in his heart. Though absolutely nothing could replace her, he's a sad, lost, and angry child, coming to a mountain of immortal masters, desperately hoping for one of them to take him as their own. As much as he's motivated by fulfilling his mother's wishes, isn't he also looking for a place to belong in this world, now that the hut that he once called home is ruined by his mother's absence? Doesn't he hope, if only for a short time, that someone else will see fit to care for him? As much as Luo Binghe is already hurt and hardened in many ways, he's still just a child; he's not yet blackened beyond dreaming of someone to love him.

Shen Jiu is very much Not That. Shen Jiu is not a merely a lofty immortal ambivalent to his disciple’s emotional needs. No, Shen Jiu hates Luo Binghe enough to unfairly punish and ostracize him, and even puts him in deadly harm's way twice before just outright trying to kill him (the manual, the demon invasion, the abyss). Going by the framework of SQQ as a parental figure, he's undeniably an abusive one. In what way could this be said to be maternal, though? In my eyes, it comes down to motive.

Shen Jiu has a lot of motivations for abusing Binghe, mostly coming down to the fact that's he's more trauma response than man at this point, but one of these is more explicitly outlined in the text than the others: Shen Qingqiu saw three things on the original flavor’s face: envy, envy, and more envy. Envy that Luo Binghe had a mother who was “the kindest in all the world to him,” envy of Luo Binghe’s talent, envy that Luo Binghe would enter Cang Qiong Mountain Sect at the best age for cultivating. He was indeed the kind of person to brim with envy and resentment toward a young child.

Envy and jealously, at least in the western canon, are usually associated with female characters (and though it’s outside the scope of this post to dissect, let it not go unremarked that this trope is deeply misogynistic in origin). They are almost always envious of a younger, more beautiful, and/or more skillful woman, who are posed at the moral superior to the jealous woman. That's right, Shen Jiu is an evil stepmother! He tolerates having no superior or equal on his peak, needing his power and superiority to go unquestioned. Outside of his abuse of Binghe, and the references early in the novel to SJ chasing away talented disciples, I think this is also shown by how the male disciple SJ tolerates the most is Ming Fan, who has only middling talent and is obsequious before his shifu, never challenging SJ in any way, and never threatening to surpass him.

But of course, SJ’s relationship to Binghe is the most obvious example. Shen Jiu sees himself in Luo Binghe (derogatory). He sees Luo Binghe as a symbol of everything he never had. Luo Binghe is a creature like himself that, for no rhythm or reason, was given so much more than SJ. It is also notable that, at least as far as Shen Qingqiu, as an outside observer, can tell, the thing which first sparked SJ's ire was the mention of LBH's mother. Never mind that LBH says in the same breath that she's dead; the fact that when she lived, she was a kind and loving mother to LBH is enough for SJ to envy him, and as he finds more to envy, it comes justification to hate the boy, and to punish him for daring to have someone who died loving him.

(Side note: after consulting the qijiu server about the implications of SJ’s reaction, my reading is that SJ never knew his mother. The only alternative is that she was a bad mother, but I don't think he would find such unilateral comfort in women if that was the case. It's made me wonder if SJ ever believed that having a mother, a protector, would have spared him his fate. But alas, this post is not about SJ's mommy issues. Another day!)

Even outside the realm of cartoonish villains, I think this particular brand of envy is, in some ways, associate with motherhood. There's a natural tendency in parents to see themselves in their children, but as mothers are almost always the ones more involved in raising children and more expected to foster emotional connections with their children, I think this is both more common and more encouraged in mothers than fathers. Mothers are expected to be in charge of and over-involved in most aspects of a child's life, and in turn their lives are expected to revolve around their children, blurring the boarder between the self and the child. The child becomes symbolic of the mother's past self and what she can no longer be. The expectations on the child are the expectations of the mother's idealized self, and whether the child meets them or not, the mother will resent them for it, for daring to fail when they are her, or daring to succeed when they are not.

That's not to say SJ ever had such deep identification with LBH— he certainly never cared for LBH, and if anything, he's more like a mother who resents her child being born (as though he did not pick this boy out of the dirt himself)— but the hatred for a child under his care being like him but supposedly better off feels evocative of this characteristically maternal form of envy.

And finally, there is the fruit of SJ's actions, and the most explicitly/textually maternal aspect of SJ's abuse: it created Luo Bingge.

“Has Shidi ever considered that, if you hadn’t treated Luo Binghe like that in the beginning, everything that unfolded today never would have happened?”

He had singlehandedly created the Luo Binghe of today,

Luo Bingge, the all-powerful demon, the ruler of the three realms, and Shen Jiu's own personal torturer, would never have existed without SJ's intervention. Luo Bingge is shaped in Shen Jiu's image, and everything Shen Jiu ever did to destroy the boy only twisted him to further fit this mold. Luo Bingge's fate, the shape of his very soul, have been defined by SJ. And what is more maternal than giving someone their life defining trauma?

#svsss #shen jiu #luo binghe #luo bingge #original luo binghe #fish meta #lets all pretend I got this done on time #this was actually gonna be longer but I cannot get my remaining points to Word Correctly and I think this is pretty tidy as is

82 notes · View notes

birdmenmanga · 1 year

Text

well okay but Miorine Rembran has got to be one of the most well-written tsunderes I've ever laid my eyes on. It works not only because of Miorine's background context of being a dueling trophy and a slave to her father's desires but ALSO because of how it bounces off and interacts with Suletta's complicated baggage of social anxiety and being manipulated by her mother.

based on her past it makes sense that she has trouble connecting with other people, because she's only ever been objectified and her own desires and wishes were never respected. of course someone who grew up like this is going to be prickly towards others, is going to be reluctant to trust them and constantly suspect ulterior motives. it makes sense then, that even when she falls in love with suletta she never explicitly makes it clear. not only is she not used to expressing affection at all, in some ways being true and honest about her feelings just makes her easier to manipulate.

Exhibit 1: Prospera knows that Miorine genuinely cares about Suletta, and that's how she's twisting her arm behind her back to get her to become the president of the Benerit group.

Miorine isn't stupid. She knows that her love for Suletta is a glaring weakness of hers. To advertise it, when her place in the power struggle is so precarious, is idiotic. It's much safer to pretend that she doesn't love Suletta, that it's all just a marriage of convenience, because they won't be exploited so easily that way.

(Check it out!! A solid, in-universe justification for tsundere behavior!! Instead of just some woman randomly being a bitch to the flawless main character because the scriptwriters needed to check off the "tsundere" box on the list of harem tropes!! [good video on the flanderization of the tsundere trope])

Then, of course, there's Suletta's whole deal with Prospera's manipulation. Suletta's social anxiety is probably her most easily exploited weakness— while she's a superb pilot, she feels like a fish out of water when it comes to social interactions, and her experience with El4n, when he suddenly makes an about-face and starts calling her annoying after being extremely courteous towards her, sows the seeds of doubt in her mind.

Uh-oh! Miorine, are you sure about that last line? Not that you were thinking of "betraying" Suletta at this point in time...

When Suletta starts feeling useless towards the end of season 1, she even explicitly articulates the thought that "everyone was nice to me, but it's really just all in my head" to her mother.

If you recall, Miorine confronts Suletta right after her phone call with Prospera, saying that she'd heard everything. So she knows that this is Suletta's weakness, and believes that this is the key to freeing Suletta from Prospera's grasp. If Suletta views all the good things she has in life as a by-product of obediently following in her mother's teachings, the link of causation must be broken. Even if she follows in her mother's orders, she should not be allowed to find happiness. And when she realizes these two things aren't connected, only then can she truly start to live.

It's no easy feat, but Miorine knows that she has all the cards in her favor. The earth house's initial distrust of her when Suletta had full faith in her bride, for instance, will be confirmed (the interaction she had with Ojelo, when Miorine was gone for 2 weeks to figure out what she wanted to do with Gund-ARM, and he went "who knows, maybe she just left us behind!" and suletta goes "she wouldn't do that" and he goes "oh yeah? you haven't known her long enough to know that." stands out to me in particular). What Suletta had perceived as apathy from Miorine (entrusting her greenhouse to a third party, and overall trying not to rely on Suletta) can be pushed further.

it's just such a lovely subversion of the typical tsundere trope where the takeaway viewers often get is "yes means yes, but no also means yes"— I said it right from the start, Suletta, you were just a shield to me, so why did you distort the sparks of kindness and affection from the sea of my apathetic behavior into something more when I never explicitly said anything about that? why did you think that "no" would magically turn into a "yes"? didn't you learn anything from el4n? from everyone?

#just thinking thoughts...#the witch from mercury #gundam #g witch #miorine rembran #suletta mercury #everything is so delightfully constructed for a sulemio divorce arc and I'm vibrating with excitement #that being said. I am going to RIOT if sulemio endgame doesn't happen #that confirmation bias is going to destroy suletta! ! ! !#this was going to have a better conclusion but I forgor. :skull:

356 notes · View notes

oh-saints · 2 years

Text

bowling

what were the odds of the one and only sir lewis hamilton sparing you some time for a mini lesson on mercedes' annual bowling session in japan?

lewis hamilton x merc-crew!OC

word count: 2.3k

tw: nothing

note: blurbs because that particular gif above still sent me UGHHH istg pls sir i just wanna finish GR's part 2 and the mason story i have in mind :(

“who hasn’t had any turns?”

susie wolff was still beaming as she scanned the bowling alley the team had reserved beforehand for the mercedes-amg petronas f1 team’s annual bowling session. the matron—god bless the woman—was visibly trying hard to involve everyone and making sure everyone’s involved, not leaving everyone behind. at the end of the day, the bowling session was an initiative to bring the mobile crew members closer as well as an outlet to let out their stress after going through halfway around the world for a full season of racing.

“you!” susie wolff pointed at the girl at the far back, just as the girl intended to until susie discovered her wishing the earth to swallow her whole so she didn’t have to participate the sport. “how dare you try to slip away from my sight! aletta, you’re next!”

“no, no, no, no, no,” aletta shook her head ferociously she could feel her head going dizzy from the violent shake. “please, no. not me.”

“why not?” george—god, the mischief george—discreetly challenged her to give the rest of the crew a good reason as to why she had to be excluded. she knew because, even without many explicit words being said, george liked to rouse an emotion from her. for god knows what. “are you scared to lose?”

“no!” at george’s raised brow, aletta pursed her lips to give herself a moment to think how to answer george. as much as she enjoyed their bickering, aletta didn’t want to fuel any fire george might be lighting up soon. “it’s not that.”

everyone was expectant of her, of her answer, because everyone had bowled their turns.

except for sir lewis hamilton.

which made everyone realise they were short of one person playing, when the team had registered an even number of people to play today.

fuck it. lewis was brilliant at this—the entire bowling session was sparked by his motive to introduce the crew to one of his favorite sports—and there was no way she could cover her disastrous skills and experience. she didn’t see any choice but to heed to george’s next question.

“then what is it?”

“i can’t bowl for life, okay, george?” aletta let out a heavy huff from her nose. “happy now?”

“then at least try,” susie came down to aletta’s seat before clutching aletta’s hands in hers. “please? for me?”

who was she to deny THE susie wolff, anyway? if she did, she might upset susie, which would upset toto. and upset toto wasn’t the easiest hulk to put down to sleep. god help us all when his emotions were spiked.

“okay,” aletta gave in, pursing her lips hesitantly. “but please teach me how.”

“oh, lewis can teach you!” susie jumped up from the seat beside her and dashed for lewis’ attention. “lewis, will you please give aletta the basics of bowling?”

lewis’ signature light-weighted voice resonated well like it was music to aletta’s ears. “you’ve never played?”

aletta stepped forward timidly, every step she took signalled she was succumbing to the embarrassment of being defeated by susie wolff and her eyes blinking rapidly—a sign she was utterly nervous; not just because she was to humiliate herself in front of hundreds of people, but she was about to step up to sir lewis hamilton. as the new junior social media officer, she was usually attached to george russell instead of handing the meticulous and particular job for the senior driver.

“no…?” aletta instinctively reached for a ball—my days, that is flipping heavy!—to the nerves threatening to spill all over the floor. gross, that would’ve been a whole new level of humiliation. “is that so hard to believe?”

aletta wished lewis wouldn’t catch on how she was struggling to hold the ball but the light vibrations under her feet told her the otherwise.

“nope, wrong ball,” lewis grabbed the shiny object from her hands and put it back where it belonged. “where do you hangout with your friends then?”

“you don’t want the answer to that.”

lewis, for unbeknownst reason to aletta, laughed at her submission before turning around to give her another bowling ball. “try me. but is that still too heavy for you?”

aletta’s eyes widened as she weighed down the ball. she didn’t know there were different types of this thing. “this one’s perfect, thank you.”

lewis nodded in acknowledgement. “you’re holding it wrong but answer me first then we’ll start the basic.”

the younger woman was surprised that the sir lewis hamilton was willing to hear how she lamely spent her time. “we read books together and have a discussion about it.”

“okay, look at how i hold the bowling ball. make sure it’s these three fingers that you put inside those three holes because you’ll hurt your fingers if you don’t,” lewis went ahead to demonstrate it for her before he put it down and corrected the digits she placed in those little, ugly black holes. “ah, yes, i heard your book community.”

“you did?!”

thank god lewis was still holding the hand she placed on the bottom side of the ball, stabilising her as his words sent every fibre of her being out of this world. god knows what’d happen if she dropped the heavy object right to his feet—oh the thought she could’ve jeopardized his next race header raised hairs all over her body.

aletta, in fact, built a strong online community centred to feel woman empowered from books they read. every week she would determine which book to be read to be discussed on the next community discussion. the fantastic engagement on the social media she created for the community was one of the reasons why mercedes hired her in the first place.

but she had no idea—none, nada—that there was a famous figure watching over her account, especially as famous as lewis hamilton. not even george, whom she had been working together from the beginning of this season, knew about the existence of her digital persona.

the shock even alternated her mind from the fact that lewis hamilton was holding her hands. in other circumstances, aletta would’ve gagged at this whole “the prince and the pauper” scene.

“yes, i think it’s impressive how you can unite people through books,” lewis pushed her towards the alley when he was done showing her how to hold the ball. aletta guessed lewis would’ve shaken his head at how ridiculous she was—how could one not know bowling? “you can even make them feel empowered from the characters a fiction book creates. what you do is amazing, is that so hard to believe?”

“it’s more of i can’t believe you’ve heard of the community,” aletta took a shaky breath as lewis corrected her posture this time, to stand a bit straighter. “no one here knows about them except my manager and the hiring team.”

“you really should tell me how you go incognito like that when in reality you have almost half a million followers,” lewis laughed under his breath, probably at his own irony. “now, you’re ready to bowl?”

“never.”

and there was the carefree laugh—the one people always said it sounded like a grandpa wheezing—but to her it was rainbow coming to life. at that moment, aletta got reminded of her sister’s answer to her question of “when do you know you like him?”. the other woman smiled dreamily as she answered, “when you just want to make him laugh all the time.”

“here, watch me.”

it turned out lewis hamilton truly graced the pedestal to teach her how to bowl properly. heck, lewis hamilton went galactic and beyond to lift her from the brink of embarrassing herself further. he went step by step to make sure she got the right posture to get a strike.

susie was the one to call it off the mini tutoring session between lewis and aletta as soon as the matron realised aletta now possessed enough of skills to bowl her first ball without rolling it to the gutter. lewis pushed the small part of her back gently before aletta took her bowling stance—three steps from the line, just as lewis instructed—for the first time ever in her short span of life. but as soon as she let go of the ball, aletta didn’t have the heart to see how many pins she managed to knock out. she didn’t want to get her hopes high after being taught by lewis, only to find george laughing at her result.

but simultaneous cheers she got instead. then the machine voice boomed. strike!

aletta had never turned around so fast in her entire life that it made her head spinning in dizziness. she saw that the machine didn’t lie and that she had, indeed, violently put down the entire set of aligned pins. she could feel her jaw slacking before she realised what she was doing.

on the background, lewis was definitely laughing at her reaction but clapping nonetheless. “you sure this is your first time? you’ve got it in you!”

aletta shook her head. “no way i did that.”

“yes way, missy,” lewis stepped up with his own bowling ball before rolling the shiny object on his own lane. “this is going to be a fun game with you. now it’s your turn again.”

lewis recognise aletta was about to dash for her life so he got a hold of her wrist to stop her from going anywhere. aletta groaned at how fast lewis moved to retaliate her initiation. “can somebody take my place instead?”

“why?”

“because i suck at it, i can feel it!”

“you just hit a strike, who does that on her first ever attempt to bowl?”

“it’s called beginner’s luck, lewis,” aletta rolled her eyes, half with the intention to forget the feeling of lewis’ hands lost from her skin. “we all have that.”

“alright, ms. partypooper,” lewis rolled the sleeves of his black customised sweater and may god forgive aletta for ogling at the sight. “tell you what. if you roll the dice once more and you fail to hit another strike, you can have me do whatever content you’re planning for the next race week.”

her senior social media officer—the one who was responsible for lewis’ appearances on all of mercedes-amg petronas f1 team’s social media—and their direct social media manager jumped elatedly at lewis’ offer in exchange of the challenge. they immediate shouted you can do this! to aletta, even though they were metres away from where aletta and lewis stood. aletta couldn’t even hide the fact that she was tempted at the prize waiting for her at the end of the line because everyone knows lewis didn’t do any more social media stuffs to gain engagement, interactions, or anything that could possibly land him another sponsorship.

(oh to be legends, aletta sighed.)

“you’re being serious?”

lewis raised his eyebrows, giving her what the fuck look. “do i look like i’m joking?”

“nooooooot really… but what’s in it for you?”

lewis only answered her question by handing her another ball fitted for her size as he said, “one way to find out, no?”

aletta could simply lose by not performing well and got the content we all had been waiting for. the thing was, lewis taught her too well for a first-timer that aletta didn’t know how to downgrade the skill she had gained from the world class athlete. she couldn’t even pretend she didn’t know how to bowl anymore, her acting prowess would put pornstars on any podium.

hence, another strike.

this time, aletta didn’t have any time to turn around and avoid digesting reality. everything happened to fast as she focused on not slipping after she threw the ball on the alley that when she stood up, the pins had all already been on the floor, colliding against each other. she gasped at the incredible sight, remained rooted to the ground while the machine swept away the pins clear because fucking hell. aletta didn’t have any athletic bone and now she striked twice?

“told you you’re a natural,”

hairs stood up once more at lewis’ voice came up behind her, gentle as usual but a hint of something more laced behind it. like she should be scared of it. like she should be scared of lewis, for the first time in forever. like she should be scared of what would happen with their dynamics. but may god forgive her for her disinterest to succumb to the fear and wanting to find out what’s in the bag for them. like she just wanted to scream fuck you! to the world and listen to the devil for once.

the pause was killing her because she knew—god did she know—lewis still stood behind her. his breath tickled the back of her ear the only way he knew how, the only way her body alighted at the subtle touch. she wished he’d get this done and over it because my days, aletta couldn’t stand the pregnant tension between them. she was so afraid if she breathed, it’d scatter the bubble and ruin the life of her and she had to walk down the walk of shame.

but maybe aletta should’ve listened to what her mother says. pray in detail; how would God know what you want? aletta had to remind herself to exhale the breath that was caught in her throat, now panting as a result, because bloody hell did she not expect the seam of lewis’ lips grazed down the shell of her ear so featherily she would think she was dreaming if it wasn’t for the next string of words.

“seems like i get to take you for a dinner sometimes. after all, you still owe me the tricks to go incognito.”

#sir lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton #lh44 #team lh44 #lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton x you #lewis hamilton one shot #lewis hamilton oneshot #lewis hamilton fluff #lewis hamilton fic #lewis hamilton fanfic #lewis hamilton blurb #lewis hamilton imagine #lewis hamilton smut #oh-saints writes

619 notes · View notes

nin-deer · 2 months

Text

Ch 143

i mean i think we all knew deep down the kiss was gonna happen based on the flow of the story but i think this chap reveals a lot about gorou and sarina

(uh warning this got a little out of hand so its pretty long lmao)

so.

i dont think anyone's completely in the wrong, but i definitely don't think they're in the right either. (not that i condone incest; its just that their motivations led them to this specific point. would the story have been fine without it? hell yeah. please i actually prefer it that way. but this is the direction the author decided to take it, so we have to take it as it is as a point of learning more about the character's motivations)

Let's first analyze sarina and gorou's relationship pre-reincarnation. I think I covered this in my last post where I rambled about onk, but gorou is doing a doctor thing where he "accepts" sarina's proposal just to make her happy. We learn in this new chapter that he basically catered to her every request, and that's what started that infatuation. we know from previous chapters that her bio family's shitty, so the only place she would get this love is from gorou. we also learn in this chapter that it's not actually a romantic love but a fanatic love, for lack of better terms. she sees him as her idol. does sarina even know what it feels to be romantically in love with someone? she spent her whole first life in a hospital, isolated from others her age. she spent her second life very curated and protected because of her mom and her future career; she couldn't really live a normal life. (we'll get back to this point later) all she knows about love is through her idols, so she's channeling it into (what she thinks is) romantic love for gorou.

gorou, on the other side of this, is an actual adult who had an actual life before all this, so he knows what a normal life is like. assuming sarina is one of his first patients, its obvious to see that he got attached, which is a very risky situation for scenarios like this. we see this attachment made her death worse, as he threw himself into following Ai to cope for her death. not gonna go too in depth about this here because, again, i made another post for this that i'll probably link at the end bc im referencing it more than i thought... continuing! he knows sarina doesnt have long left so he wants to do what he can for her, thus creating that "idol" persona sarina has for him.

we see in his regret in this new chap that he actually knows what he's doing and is aware of the consequences of his actions. ruby doesn't. she doesn't regret anything. as someone who reads a lot of isekai/reincarnation stories, its easy to joke that ruby and aqua are their old age + their new age, but that isn't necessarily true for ruby. sure, aqua is old and this could apply to him. but ruby? she didn't make it past 18 before she died. she's like,,, 13 times 2. double 13. she never fully developed in her first life, and she's developing in this current life. it's like a continue from where she left off. aqua actually was an adult, so he has all the knowledge and wisdom of an adult. why does this matter? shift your attention back to the concept of love for a bit. aqua knows what she's doing is bad and is trying to stop her, but the knowledge that she's sarina is making him automatically succumb to her wishes. a part of his brain, because of the trauma, still sees ruby as the sickly sarina he was caring for.

ruby is naïve. she doesnt know what love is. all the love she's ever been exposed to is whatever she saw online: idols. i dont even think she fully knows what the concept of family is. aqua is her brother? nope. aqua is the doctor she proposed to and now she has a chance to follow through like all the shows she's seen. she's closer than ever to him, so why give up the chance? even as ruby, she wasn't exposed to a lot of normalcy because of idol culture. she isn't able to learn about the difference between platonic love and fanatic love. we even see this with ai, who she sees more as an idol than her mom. the joy is in her idol being her mom, someone who's supposed to care for her. it's like shes living a fantasy made just for her. because aqua was so obsessed w revenge, he didn't have the chance to teach her anything, and it's not like he needed to learn bc he already knows. ruby doesn't.

aqua, as the one who understands these nuances, should have sat her down and explained things, but he didn't because of the trauma of sarina. ruby is ignorant and is treating things like a tv drama, now that her dreams as sarina can finally become true. aqua doesn't realize how serious ruby is about this because in his mind this is just a child playing house. ruby is like,,,, imagine you die and you wake up actually being sold to one direction. or whatever happens to you in your fav self-insert scenario/fanfic. idk a better analogy lmao but its like finally being able to play out your fantasies irl. she doesn't realize the real world impacts of her actions because, frankly, she doesn't care. she gets to live out her life as she wants. aqua was shocked after the first kiss with ruby because he realized then she was being serious, but he didn't speak out about it because, again, the trauma™. (we see him again uncomfy with the whole situation in the next page, but his lack of objection could be bc it's a scene in the documentary and he finds it more important to get revenge rn) ruby kissed him then because she purposefully created the mood like that so it would fit in the story she was writing in her mind.

so what does this mean? because of their shared pasts, aqua and ruby are put in this situation where ruby can do what she wants and aqua goes along with it. even if he knows its morally wrong, he can't bring himself to break ruby's immersion in all of this. BUT. big but. aqua shouldn't act like this. they're both capable of living out their lives as normal (barring the revenge and the whole idol stuff). he doesn't need to act like this anymore; ruby's not terminally ill. he's not a doctor. what he should have done was firmly deny her stuff he knows is wrong because then he can educate her about the reason why. as much as their personalities are inspired by their past lives, sarina and gorou are dead. they need to move on and live a aqua and ruby. (Harsh, I know, but because of this scenes like *gestures vaguely to the newest two chapters* happens. if aqua stood his ground and taught ruby about familial love and that what she's feeling is probably not romantic, i think this could have been avoided. but alas, we need it for the ~drama~)

sorry that went on way longer than i thought lmao. i think i covered everything i wanted to say but im too lazy to read back so fingers crossed

if you made it this far and are curious about the other post i mentioned in the beginning, its here. i just think its some context to my thought process but not necessary to understand this post

#my writing #oshi no ko #oshi no ko spoilers #onk ch 143 #jasdlkflsdkajfh #why did it take me longer to find that first post #than deciding to make this post #anyways #lots of thoughts #none coherent #i wasnt planning on doing this so sorry if its too jumpy #i just finished reading the chap and #i had the urge #man i was living glass half full #then this chap dropped #hopefully it gets addressed #i mean its that last panel that gets me #aqua looks so uncomfortable while ruby is beaming

36 notes · View notes

emilymk20 · 6 days

Text

TW: $u!c!d3 $h 4n4

…

This is my note that I’ve had written out for a while 🙃 Fair warning, it is really long. I don’t know, maybe it could help somebody, whether it helps them keep going or just helps them relate. Much love 🫶🏻🖤

This is so cliche, but I feel obligated to leave some kind of explanation. I am absolutely positive there has always been something wrong with me. Normal people don’t want to die at eleven years old. One thing I was always good at was covering it up; I almost wish my struggle was more visible, but I know that people always just want to help and truthfully help is the last thing I want. More reason why there’s probably something wrong because who thinks like that? The one thing that I am losing is empathy. It was always empathy that made me “better.” I didn’t want to make anyone waste their time worrying and I didn’t want to be seen for what I am so I started eating more, I stopped cutting myself, I didn’t take the pills, I didn’t cry, I didn’t let myself feel anything. In a way that made me hold on; the idea that I didn’t want anyone to have to find my body, I didn’t want anybody to mourn me, I didn’t want anyone to think that they could have helped me, and I definitely didn’t want anyone to think that the decision I made was their fault. I don’t expect anyone to understand it, but nothing happened to make me feel this way. Some awful things have happened in the midst of it, but there’s no root cause or trigger; I apply blame to nothing and nobody except myself and the operations of my own brain.

I’m tired. It’s so difficult to explain, but I think I’ve felt so deeply for so long, I have nothing left to feel. I feel like a shell of a person. I’ve noticed a recent trend in the past three years that I’ve never experienced before in the impulsively of my emotional rollercoaster. I’ll spend days, weeks, sometimes months feeling so proud of myself and hopeful, motivated more than ever before to better myself, happy where I am, and then in a matter of minutes it all slips away from me. I push everyone away and I can’t help but stop trying. I won’t eat or I’ll eat until I’m sick from it, I’ll cut myself because that’s the only thing that can make me feel, I won’t sleep at all or I’ll sleep all day, I won’t clean, I won’t shower, I won’t even get up to use the restroom. It’s as if I go completely brain dead, but my thoughts still won’t stop racing. Then, once I can come to terms with it all and maybe find a solution, the mania hits again and it all doesn’t matter anymore because I feel like I’m on top of the world. I don’t eat because it feels good to be hungry or I’ll eat a lot because “I deserve it,” I don’t sleep because that seems like so much valuable time going to waste, or I’ll sleep a lot because it’s a form of self care and if my body is that tired I should let it, and I’ll cut myself still because it’s empowering and I find it almost pretty. Nothing tangible ever changes, just the unbearable fluctuation of my head. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to hide it, because to everyone on the outside, that is my normal.

I constantly feel like I’m watching myself glued to a tightrope. I can pull myself down to my lowest, feeling all that tension, and then suddenly skyrocket to my full potential. Well, I have to fall back down at some point, and I always do. The only thing is that I’m stuck. I’m stuck in my head in that cycle and the only way out is to fall off. Sure, there’s ways to get make it bearable, I mean there has to be some diagnosis for all this to explain it, but would I really want to spend my life maintaining symptoms? Would I really want to spend my whole life fighting? No. I don’t even want to spend the present fighting. I know from the outsider’s perspective I just seem lazy, and trust me, I feel that way too.

I can’t even begin to describe how exhausting it is. What I think about often is how humans are awake during the day, but you can always take a break when nighttime comes to sleep. I’m hyper aware of everything that takes my energy that I don’t have control over. My brain never stops thinking, my blood never stops pumping, my body never stops breathing…I know these are things that regular people don’t think about, but with every breath I take it feels like a loss. I just want nothing more than real rest and peace of mind. I don’t understand why things bother me when everyone else wouldn’t even have these thoughts pass their mind. Why am I so introspective and aware? Ignorance truly is bliss.

It seems really crazy, maybe because I am crazy, but the higher points of my life are more painful than the lows have been. There’s something so comforting about losing my drive, letting myself slow down, watching myself rot away and fall further from reality; it’s almost my ideal, but not quite. I just want true rest. I really wish I had the option to completely start over. I romanticize my childhood so much; bittersweet nostalgia is my biggest downfall. I was so clueless then; so full of joy. I wish that I could put my finger on what happened and when it all went wrong. I don’t know why I long for that life so much now; I love being independent and having the freedom to make my own decisions as an adult, but maybe it’s the immanence of responsibility always pushing me down. I miss the days before it started looming over me. I don’t feel as though I was ready to be on my own, I don’t think I ever learned how to handle that freedom because all I’ve done is abuse it. There are irreparable decisions that I’ve made for the specific purpose of digging myself deeper in a hole because I feel like that’s what I deserve. You can say that’s not true all you want, but it’s a little too late to still be invalidating my feelings so allow me.

My self hatred is so deep rooted, I can feel it in every nerve of my body. I’m embarrassed by myself. Truly, if I was somebody else, I wouldn’t even speak to me. I am undesirable in every aspect; I harbor so much jealousy, I’m a deadbeat, it’s probably been a decade since I’ve made a “good decision,” I’m annoying, I talk way too much, I have a huge ego (which is interesting because obviously I don’t like myself all that much), I have too much baggage, I’m ugly, I’m insecure, I have no room to consider anyone else in life, and I don’t care. To my core, I wish I could be anyone but me. I don’t know how to describe the gravity of me wishing I was dead. It doesn’t even seem like that big of a deal to me anymore because in all honesty I feel like I’ve been slowly slipping away anyways. Death is not a stranger to me; I feel like I’ve been hanging out on the front porch of the end for far too long, and I just can’t wait to step through that door. When I was little, it was always, “I want to die, but I guess I can wait until after _______…” There was still some hope back then. Now it seems that my hope has run out for me and I just don’t care anymore. I am sorry, but I have exhausted every option for me, and I believe that it’s time for me to regain control at least for a final moment.

22 notes · View notes

pinazee · 16 days

Text

Psy vs. Psy

I genuinely think that if they were going to bring back any psych villian, Lindsay Leikin would pose the biggest threat. She knows Shawn isn’t psychic, she has adequate motivation to target him personally, and has the skills to prove he’s a fraud and do it slyly as she is also highly skilled in deductive reasoning (she did manage to get them to the counterfeiter to begin with so she has legitimate talent). She could even orchestrate it from prison. Maybe her parole was denied again so, like, what else is she going to do? Plus, she’s kind of nuts. Faking being a psychic with the FBI is a whole other level of bold compared to a local precinct, then she met a counterfeiter and was like yes please, more crime, then killed him when he tried to run, slept with Shawn that same night, then tried to take him hostage when she got caught. Its just a shame she wasn’t a bit more charismatic or eccentric. They had her play it as a very normal girl swept into a life of crime because of a guy (probably because she was a “love interest” for Shawn) when the receipts show she was an absolute lunatic (look at her face after they found the guy she killed. This bitch is smiling).

Also, she just kinda gave up when she was caught. I wish she’d have been screaming “he’s a fraud!” as she was taken to the car or even had a heart to heart moment with Lou Diamond Phillips because she did betray him after all. Idk, i just wanted more. (But i think maybe the writers recognized this and thats how we get Declan later??)

Gus is basically siri at this point. Between the archeology, safes, online poker, the law, tennis players, space, comic books, of course pharmaceuticals, and now studies tender from all over the world- its a smaller list of what Gus doesn’t know. Gus clearly likes learning. I’m surprised he never thought of becoming a teacher or college professor, to try to pass that love of learning to the next generation. Though i guess we see he’s not that great with people surprisingly, considering he’s a successful salesman. (OH MY GOD WHAT IF THIS WHOLE TIME GUS ACTUALLY HAD LIVED UP TO HIS POTENTIAL AND BECAME AN INTERNATIONAL SPY. He knows all these things because of his job, psychs only been able to stay open because Gus can fund it from his spy job, joining psych was a good front but he was also lonely from never getting to be himself. I kid, i kid, but its a fun idea for me haha)

No fucking way shawn doesn’t know what a drill is. Henry definitely would have beat that kind of man stuff into him. The military time too. I just felt the need to point this out. its like the show itself is dissing my boy and i have to defend him lol

I love when Gus is proud and smarmy over shawns talent. Look at his face here. My boy about to prove you wrong.

And do you think Shawn is actually afraid of competition or do you think he learned at an early age from his father that he didn’t have value unless he was the best? Huh Henry, huh???(Weekend warriors “you don’t want to be a loser” comes to mind)

Henry trying some reverse psychology here. I can’t tell if its because Henry is actually concerned for Shawns safety like he said he wasn’t in the previous episode, or if he’s still taking it personally that Shawns using the gifts he “gave” him to be psychic. Probably both. We know he was really bothered by his motorcycle accident, so i wonder if he’s been kind of spiraling, and adding up all the crazy situations he’s been in. (Which, i don’t think Shawn tells him about. i think Gus calls him like a weekly report haha) I think the fact that shawns cases are becoming more dangerous he suddenly doesn’t like the idea of him being a detective, well a detective this way at least, because i think in his mind he’d be safer if he was an actual cop where he had a partner with a gun, and back up, and rules, and training. I mean we know he wouldn’t be, (look at what happens to Lassie and Juliet)

I just wanted to gif this because it’s one of my fave jokes in the episode!

Mildred to the rescue! Im not entirely sure how this worked but it did and thats what matters haha

*Appropriate reaction is appropriate*

34 notes · View notes

dialovers-translations · 10 months

Text

DIABOLIK LOVERS ZERO Animate Tokuten Drama CD “A Vampire’s Late Night Snack Terror” [Kou ver.]

Original title: 夜更かしヴァンパイアの食テロ飯 [コウ編]

Source: Diabolik Lovers ZERO Vol. 2 Animate Tokuten CD

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Kimura Ryouhei

Translator’s note: Take notes everyone, do not EVER let Kou into your kitchen because he will destroy the place. That being said, it was really cute to see him be such a disaster in the kitchen. Especially all of the shrieking and cries of panic had me giggle more than once. (Sorry Kou) You know it’s bad when the MC had to resort to eventually having him pour hot water over a pre-made onigiri and call it a dish. :p

*Rustle rustle*

You approach Kou in the kitchen.

“...Oh? You’re awake too? Are you thirsty, maybe? ...Personally I’m here because I got hungry so I’m looking to see if there’s still any food around.

I know I already had seconds, but just dinner isn’t enough to tie me over. I’m still a growing boy, you see? So I end up needing a small snack before bed every now and then.

Seems like everyone ate a lot today though so there aren’t any leftovers...So, perhaps I should indulge in your blood instead~? That doesn’t sound bad either.”

You shake your head.

“Hahaha! I’m joking! Even though your blood is delicious, there’s a difference between being hungry for blood or actual food. I’ll have your blood some other time, okay~? ...Anyway, guess I have no other choice but to have a slice of white bread and go to bed. It’s at times like this where I wish I could whip up something real quick. I shouldh ave learnt how to cook at some point in my life.”

You offer to teach him some easy recipes.

“Eh? Really!? You’ll teach me!”

You seem somewhat surprised that he’s willing to cook.

“Of course! I’ll gladly make something if you’re the one giving me instructions! Well then, today you’re the instructor and I’m your student! ...Sensei, I’m starving!”

You ask Kou what he wants to eat.

“Hm...What I want to eat? I’m not sure...I’d say pasta but we’re all out after tonight’s dinner...”

*Rustle*

“Ah! In that case, doria! (1) A piping hot plate, loaded with extras and topped with a generous amount of cheese!”

You nod.

“Hooray! Let’s get started then!”

*TIMESKIP*

*Rustle*

“All set! What should we do first?”

You explain.

“Hm...The bechamel sauce, huh? Let me handle that!”

You give him instructions.

“Uhm...I should melt some butter? I’ll a pot...”

*Cling*

Kou turns on the stove.

“The flour goes in next, right? Let me just open the bag...”

*Rustle rustle*

“Huh...? The bag won’t...Huh!? ...How does it work!? It won’t open!”

*RIIIIIP*

“Aaah!”

*Thud*

“Coff, coff...Gosh, I didn’t think I’d end up dropping the whole bag. You’re completely white right now, M-neko-chan...Eh? So am I? Ah-ahー The pot’s a mess as well. ...Aah, no biggie! One more time! I’m starting over from scratch!”

*Rustle rustle*

*Pshhhh*

“Eeh!? The butter turned black! ...Uwah! There’s smoke! Look!”

*Pshhh*

“One second, the pot got knocked over...Uwaaah!!”

*WOOSH*

“Flames!! It’s on fire!! M-neko-chan, water! Quick!!”

*SHATTER SHATTER*

*Shatter*

*TIMESKIP*

“...Uu...The kitchen’s a hot mess...How come I just can’t seem to get it right? Am I just too clumsy...!? Whatever, I’m never cooking again in my whole life...”

You try to motivate him to keep going.

“It’ll turn out a disaster no matter how many times I try! I’m just not cut out for it! Besides, we’ve blasted through most of our ingredients as well...Even if we were to try to buy new ones, almost all stores are closed at this hour.”

You grab hold of his hand and start dragging him out of the kitchen.

*Rustle rustle*

“Eh!? ‘Let’s go’? But where!? ...Hey! M-neko-chan, listen to me!”

*Thud*

*TIMESKIP*

*Rustle rustle*

“We’re back...”

*Rustle*

“I was wondering where you’d take me, but I didn’t expect the convenience store...And on top of that you bought onigiri. If you’re no longer in the mood to cook, you could have at least gotten me a proper bento.”

You tell him that you’re going to cook with the onigiri.

“Eh? You actually haven’t given up yet? Then why did you buy these things?”

You ask him to have faith in you.

“Well, if you say so...Fine, this is the final try! I promise that I’ll make a delicious late-night snack this time!”

You nod.

“Mmh! Well then, Sensei! Please give me instructions! Okay, I’ll get a bowl first...”

*Thud*

“Then put the onigiri we bought in the...”

*Rustle*

“...Eh? We’re going to use the onigiri!?”

You ask him to have faith in you.

“Okay. I’ll put it in then! I chose one with grilled fish roe and seaweed inside!”

You continue to give him instructions.

“Then with that...Eh? We’re putting this in as well? Uhm...”

*Rustle*

“In goes one packet of dried bonite flakes from the convenience store!”

*Rustle rustle*

“And then a splash of soy sauce...”

*Pshhh*

“Hm...That should do, I guess? Last but not least we pour in some hot water...”

*Pshhh*

“Mix everything up and it’s done!”

*Dun dun*

“Easy-made dashi-chazuke (2) from the convenience store!”

“Eh!? Are you sure we’re done!? All I did was pour hot water in!”

You prompt him to try it.

“I mean, I’ll try it now that I’ve made it...”

*Thud*

“Thanks for the meal...”

*Cling*

“Phew...Phew...Hahn...Mmh...Mm! It’s delicious! The dried bonito flakes really helped to give the broth that extra punch of flavor! Hahn...!”

*Nom*

“The rice is nice and hot as well, warming me up from inside.”

*Sluuuurp*

“I made the right choice with my onigiri fillings! I love how fluffy the rice is in comparison to the fried fish roe which pops in your mouth! The saltiness makes it so that I could eat several bowls of this! The dried seaweed gives off flavor as well, so it’s very hearty and savory! ...Here, you should give it a try as well! Phew...Phew...Say ‘aahn’.”

Kou feeds you.

*Rustle rustle*

You tell him it’s good.

“Right!? I honestly could grow addicted to this! ...Here, you can have one more bite!”

You shake your head.

“Nu-uh! This is your reward! I have to show my thanks to you for teaching me so well! Come on, open your mouth~ ‘Aaahn’“

*Chomp*

“Good girl ...You’re really enjoying it, huh? Seems like you haven’t even realized that eating from the same chopsticks counts as an indirect kiss~”

You suddenly become flustered.

“Oh geez, you’re panicking now? Too late~ Besides, we’ve kissed plenty of times before, no?”

*Nom nom*

*Sluuuurp*

“Mm...Mmh!”

*Thud*

“Thanks for the meal! Haah~ I’m stuffed! I ended up scarfing it down! I didn’t think such an easy recipe could count as cooking as well.”

You remind him that he just cooked a dish by himself.

“Huh? ...Right! I managed to make something by myself! ...Thanks for keeping up with me till the end. ...My fine motor skills aren’t always the best, so I always thought that cooking just wasn’t for me. Ruki’s been cooking for me for as long as I can remember. But ever since you started making food instead, I’ve been getting the urge to help out where I can, so I’m glad I challenged myself today!”

You ask him if that was his real objective for wanting to cook something tonight.

“Fufu~ I spilled the beans. Still, it’s not like I wanted to hide it or anything. I know I messed up a lot, but I’ll improve step by step starting with the little things I can manage.”

You agree and cheer him on.

“Mmh! Thanks! I’d love to thank you with a kiss but...I’m pretty sure I’ve got fishy breath from the ochazuke so let’s leave that for another time.”

You blush.

“Oh come on, look at you acting all flustered again~ We both know that you’re happy deep down.”

You puff out your cheeks.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry! Well then...Guess I’ll go brush my teeth and then hit the hay.”

*Rustle*

“Ah...The kitchen...What do we do about it?”

*Cling cling*

“If Ruki-kun sees this, he’ll explode... (3)”

You tell him that you should clean up.

“R-Right! Let’s clean everything up while we can! Ruki-kun might be an early bird, but there’s no way he’d be awake at this hour!”

They hear Ruki approach the kitchen.

“Ah...These footsteps...Uh-oh. ...Let’s quickly make a run for it, M-neko-chan!”

The two of you run away.

ーー THE END ーー

Translation notes

(1) The best way to describe ‘doria’ would be an Asian lasagna. It’s a very popular Italian-inspired Japanese dish consisting of rice in a bechamel sauce (I believe sometimes it can be a mixture of red and white sauce too) with vegetables or meats of your choice, topped with a layer of grated cheese and then baked in the oven so it gets that crispy crust just like a lasagna has.

(2) Ochazuke is a very simple Japanese dish consisting of boiled rice in a broth, in this case a traditional dashi-broth.

(3) Literally Kou says that a bolt of lightning will come striking down.

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #kou mukami #diabolik lovers translation #diabolik lovers drama cd #drama cd #diabolik lovers zero

122 notes · View notes

indras-wife · 2 months

Note

hii! I read some of your writing and AHHH!!!<33 you're an amazing writer like I'm in love with all your works!

I was wondering if I could request a yandere! indra head cannons with a s/o who is blind due to getting severely hurt in one of her missions and now she's starting to function without her eyesight but its been hard for her to do so. Maybe this is pre-obession when they first get to now each other?

have a great rest of your day, lovely! I totally understand if you don't accept this request, no pressure! <3.

Hi sweetheart! Thank you so so much for such kind words!<3 I am happy that you love my writings, as it gives me more motivation to share my ideas with more people.<3<3<3. And yayy another Yandere Indra. He is really one obsessive man and I cant explain just how much I love writing him as a yandere.

Thank you for this AMAZING request. I did my best to write this and hope you will love it. You can request more and I will complete them with great pleasure. Have a good reading cutie<3

Indra knew his s/o since they were kids. Even as a kid, he noticed how strong-willed and strong-minded she was. And of course, she was always appearing in some trouble, from which usually Indra was saving her. He did like saving her, appearing as a hero in her eyes, but deep in his heart he was afraid that he would not be able to help or save her in some situations.

“You worry too much about me. I am strong and can handle everything life throws at me okay?” she would always tell this to Indra, hoping to calm him and not have him worried over her. Of course, Indra was never fully convinced of it, but as a kid, he tried to trust her and believe in her abilities. Only later on would he regret trusting her words and not listening to his heart.

As they grew up, both their powers grew as well. Despite knowing how strong she was, Indra absolutely hated the idea of his s/o fighting or taking part in anything dangerous. As a pessimist, Indra envisioned multiple bad things happening to his s/o during a mission. The one he was extremely afraid of was of course her dying. Indra would never forgive him for letting his crush die, without ever getting the chance to confess love to her.

His fears unfortunately came true one day, when she returned to the village with her teammates, severely hurt. As soon as he saw her in that state, Indra’s mind filled with dark thoughts about killing the one who dared to hurt her s/o this bad. Of course, with a lot some intimidation and searching, he found the man who hurt her.

“You touched and hurt what’s mine. You will experience the same pain as she did, but only 10 times harder. I will NOT let you live!” His face and clothes were covered in blood as he finished dealing with the man. Despite mercilessly torturing and killing him, Indra felt unsatisfied. He wished to bring this man back and kill him over and over, till he got that satisfaction. Of course, he did use his visual prowess, but for him it was not enough at all.

Upon returning back home and seeing his s/o in a bed, Indra’s heart filled with more hate towards the man whom he killed not long ago. He even started to dislike her teammates, even though they also were badly injured. “Imbeciles…” He would think to himself every time he saw them.

“ I am sorry Indra-sama…We were not able to help her and..I am afraid she has lost her eyesight forever”

Indra felt his whole world crush down upon hearing the head medic speak those words. She was now…blind? Undoubtedly, Indra carried a lot of guilt in his heart, blaming him for not being with her and letting her get hurt to the point of losing her eyesight.

He spent his free time next to her, tending to her needs and just taking care of her. Now that she is blind, Indra would not let her off his eyesight. If he had to train some students, he asked his two strongest students to guard her and not let anyone, except the medic, go to her. He would try to finish his training soon so he could spend more time with her.

At first his s/o loved how sweet and caring Indra was, feeling as if she was only now getting to know him and his caring side that Ashura was always talking about. Indra would feed her, keep her company and most importantly speak with her. The more she saw his kind side, the more she started to fall for him. It was a shame she lost her eyesight and could not see his handsome face, but hearing his soft voice was enough for her.

Her feelings for him were growing day by day and one day she confessed her feelings to him. “I think I am in love with you…Indra-sama” she spoke softly, hearing her own heartbeat in her eyes. She was sure Indra would reject her or ignore her, but she was pleasantly surprised when Indra pressed his lips to hers. “I waited so long to hear those words…I've been in love with you ever since we were kids…I feel accomplished now” He spoke calmly. For both of them this was the ebay day in their lives. However, the love confession would soon enough fuel Indra’s extremely protective and even crazy side to an unbearable point

His s/o was soon enough able to get out of the bed and was trying to get adjusted to her new life without her eyesight. It was difficult, but she managed to do it. After being able to walk with a cane, she wanted to try and get back to training after her body fully recovered. When she spoke to Indra about it, Indra was very dissatisfied with her desire. “No way. Have you lost your mind? You lost your eyesight and there is no way I am going to have you trained in this state. You should forget about your past life FOREVER. I will be always next to you and take care of you so your training is NOT needed”

She absolutely hated how Indra was constantly with her, scolding her if he noticed her trying to practice in secret. He was now overly protective, not letting her off his eyesight. His s/o was starting to regret falling for him, but she knew there was no way out of this situation. Her only solution was obeying him and not making him angry. After all, her mind was replaying his words which sounded like a treat more and more each day.

“You belong to me…Don’t ever forget about it, darling. And if you EVER think about disobeying my words, trying to escape or get your life back, I will put a stop to it right there. I WILL NOT hold back..So be a good girl and listen to me~”

#indra otsutsuki #大筒木インドラ #otsutsuki indra #indra x reader #indra #indra otsutsuki headcanons #indra uchiha #yandere indra otsutsuki

20 notes · View notes

pendragaryen · 5 months

Text

Merry christmas, my dear friends, mutuals and followers and all the best wishes for the upcoming new year! 🧡🫶🏻🧡🫶🏻🧡🫶🏻🧡

The last bit of 2022 and the whole of 2023 have not been very kind to my family - and so I'm standing here today, looking back at the past 13 months and finding myself almost back and stuck in the emotional state that I had been in after the separation from my long time boyfriend/life partner in 2009... That was a very dark time. I was trying to live and breathe with a constant black hole in my chest and soul for a couple of years then... I felt so empty and lost. I had a very similar feeling for the span of a couple of months after I had been kicked out of my job in 2017. But nothing, and I mean it, nothing has the rug under my feet pulled away and made me hit rock bottom like the cancer illness of my sister, the death of my grandma and now the fact that my mum is diagnosed with a tumor in her spine, all in the span of just 13 months... Please, we all need some rest in my family so desperately. But now we're all very anxious bc of the surgery my mum has to go through at the 12th of january. It's a difficult surgery. No-one knows for sure at this point what kind of a tumor it is. It causes her legs getting more and more numb and if they don't do anything, the risk of her ending up using a wheelchair rather sooner than later seems very likely. If the tumor should be malignant (please, god, no, NO!) the consequences would be even worse bc it could've spread already... But the fact that the doctors pushed for a fast surgery likely speaks for the possibility that the tumor is benign and seated in just one place... Well you see, this really keeps me busy... We all hope desperately that she will get better after the surgery, and not worse... We have plans! We want to travel together again! To the Netherlands next! Or to Danmark!

Don't get me wrong, there HAD been good things that happened in the last year, not at least the fact that my sister is now considered as cured. We're all so relieved and thankful, I have no words for it! But then... the death of our grandma... and now the tumor and surgery of my mother... I feel like i'm trapped in a constant state of emotional stress, like standing in the dark and screaming into the void with nobody being able to hear me... I can't even begin to imagine how my sister must've felt or how my mum is feeling now. Sometimes I think I'm too empathetic, the way I suffer with and for my beloved ones... that can't be healthy. I'm so tired.

Sorry to bother you with all this. I'm not around here that often anymore. Sadly I have to say I lost joy in many things I once loved or loved to do over the course of the last years. I'm unmotivated most of the time. But now... I have to function, I have to be there for my mum. It'll take half a year at least for her to recover from her surgery (if everything goes well - fingers crossed please!!!) and so I have to be strong - and I WILL be strong! For her! For my family! I hope my sister will support me then... The relationship of her and our mom is a little difficult... Sadly. But she's working on it..

I said I lost the joy in many things I loved once, but one thing I'll never get tired of is, on the rare occasions I visit this site, to read you all at our weekly BFSN, to see the 100 fam still being so creative and devoted, so that our favorite show never really gets forgotten. Thank you so much for that! And please keep tagging me in things! I read you, look at your photos, and I smile, even though I may not answer. This little corner of our fandom is so dear to me, it's almost a little like homecoming when I log in here. A comfort place.

Thank you all for your kind, empathetic, couraging, and motivational words at the last BFSN. I appreciate each and every one of it.

I hope the year has been kind to y'all and that these christmas holidays and the new year will be filled with tons of health, luck and love for you and all of us! Here's to a well deserved rest for us all!

And may we meet again. Here and in words. Maybe one day in person? Who knows?

Always.

Anne

@sunflowerkru: @togetherkru @carrieeve @ninappon @roguetwelve @bellamyblake @jeanie205 @geekyogicheese @natassakar @heartbellamy @okmcintyre @immortalpramheda @igotbellarkeforthat @infp-with-all-the-feelings @isweartobreathe @kizo2703 @travllingbunny @bookwormforalways @lee-em-dee @julibernardo @broashwhat @its-tea-time-darling @delicatebluebirdruins (and each and everyone else I maybe forgot, please excuse me)

26 notes · View notes

elisysd · 11 months

Text

Power - Little Mix

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

You shoud know, I'm the one who's in control I'll let you come take the wheel, long a you don't forget Who got the power?

After much hesitation, Lyanna finally agreed to appear in the interview that Charles would give on Ferrari's social networks. What neither she nor Charles had anticipated, however, was that Ferrai would make a public announcement of her participation and invite the tifosis to ask whatever questions they wished, resulting in an alarming number of questions about their relationship rather than Charles' ambitions and the 2024 season.

It was in the middle of the week, at 8am one morning, that the Scuderia media team and Silvia arrived at Charles' house with cameras and microphones. They spent an hour setting up the equipment and arranging the room to create an aesthetically pleasing setting for the shoot. Charles and Lyanna then had their make-up and hair done and the microphones set up.

Lyanna didn't feel comfortable, despite the fact that it was far from being her first interview and that the cameras on her didn't really bother her. On the other hand, it was the first time she had allowed her private life to be voluntarily exposed. She hoped she wasn't opening the door to too many excesses, even if Charles had made it clear to Silvia that this kind of interview was the first and last.

She took a seat on a chair next to the camera, which was pointed at the pilot, who, seeing the stress on the young woman's face, desperately tried to relax her by making faces in her direction.

The interview began. Charles recounted what it was like for him at the time of the crash, what he remembered and what happened afterwards. His convalescence, the importance of mental strength and how the desire to get back into an F1 car and wear the Ferrari colours again had motivated him, along with the importance of the support of those close to him, without whom it would not have been possible.

Then it was Lyanna's turn. She in turn took her place in the same spot where Charles had been sitting a few moments earlier as he stood facing her, taking care to remain within her line of sight to reassure her. Lyanna couldn't help fidgeting with her fingers.

“So Lyanna, can you tell us what you recall from the accident?” asked her Silvia

“Honestly? Not that much…It was like I was dissociating from everything. My body was there but my mind was elsewhere. The only thought I had was him, in that car, and not knowing if he was alive or…” she shook her hear as if it could keep away the bad thoughts. “I kept replaying the last words I said to him. Then, Fred gave me his headset so I could be connected to Charles’ radio, so could talk to him and when I heard nothing but white noise it felt like the ground was collapsing under me. I know that it was just two minutes between the actual crash and learning that he was alive, but to me it felt so much longer.”

“Is it something you had prepared yourself for? Having to witness a car crash.”

“I mean, I know that when Charles gets in the car, there is a possibility of him having an accident. But I’m not expecting the worst. There is a whole team behind that is supposed to make sure that he comes back in one piece. So I’m not scared. I try to not show that it’s stressing me out because I know that Charles doesn’t need to see me worried before a race.”

They continued talking for a few more minutes. Lyanna mentioned how she had been by Charles' side during his convalescence and how annoying he had been. This was supposed to be the light moment of the video. Charles then took his place alongside his girlfriend for the Q&A.

“So this question is for Charles: how important is your girlfriend in your day to day life since the crash.”

“She had been the most supportive person. Always there to help me when I couldn’t even get out of the bed. Always encouraging me. I haven’t been the easiest person to be around, and I’m sorry about that, Lya. I haven’t been appreciative enough.”

“Lyanna: What was the most difficult part about having Charles sick at home?”

“Watching him watch the races and endure all his complaints about how he should be there and how he would have driven every single corner. Positive side of it, I’m beginning to understand F1 better. Negative side, he was really annoying.”

“Could we expect to see you more on the tracks for 2024 season?”

“Well, it’s going to depend on a lot of things but even if I can’t be physically there, I will always cheer him on from whenever I am.”

The interview came to an end and Lyanna was relieved to see the team soon leaving the flat. She wasn't particularly looking forward to seeing the final result, she just hoped that the editing would reflect what she had said and that the video wouldn't be dramatised.

That evening, over pizza for Lyanna and a salad for Charles, who was on a diet, Charles asked her if she had any plans for the following day. He wanted to spend some time with his girlfriend alone, feeling that it had been far too long since that had happened, between their argument and his trip to Maranello. He was therefore surprised when she told him that she had planned a day's shopping to buy presents for her family and also for Charles's, not wanting to appear ungrateful by coming empty-handed.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asked her.

“No, it’s fine. I’m already meeting someone there and it would spoil the fun if you already knew your Christmas present, don’t you think?” she replied, which piqued the Monegasque's curiosity even more.

“Who are you going to meet? You don’t know anyone in Monaco?”

“Well first of all, thank you for making me look like a recluse who won't come out of her cave. And second, I kind of befriended Charlotte.”

Charles dropped his fork in surprise and it landed on his trousers, leaving a stain of vinaigrette in the process.

“When you say Charlotte, you talk about Charlotte my ex-girlfriend who was at my birthday or you happen to know another Charlotte who lives in Monaco?”

“We are thinking of the same Charlotte.” Confirmed Lyanna.

“But… Okay, I have a few questions. When? How? Why? Don’ get me wrong, I have no problem with it and I’m happy that you are making friends but… she’s my ex-girlfirend?”

“I mean… it happened. She really helped me understanding some things and put my thoughts in order. She was really straightforward about what I should expect as your girlfriend and she was kind enough to answer my questions. And then we just bonded over things. Don’t worry we are not talking about you. She has not revealed your worst embarrassments yet.”

“Well thanks, I guess? So you are meeting with her tomorrow? Where?”

“At the shopping centre and we will probably go eat somewhere so don’t wait for me. I’ll be out all day.”

Charles nodded. When Lyanna disappeared into the bathroom after dinner to take a shower, he quickly took out his phone and isolated himself on the balcony before dialling his best friend's number.

“Joris? It’s me. Tell me, do you have some plans tomorrow? I was thinking of going Christmas shopping.”

Far from imagining for a moment her boyfriend's intentions, Lyanna left the next morning excited at the idea of shopping for Christmas presents. She didn't really know what to get Charles's brothers and mother, so she was reassured to have Charlotte by her side to advise her. She met up with the young woman in a café near the shopping centre and the two of them wandered through the aisles looking for the perfect present. For Arthur, Lyanna had bought a comic book on the history of motor sport. For Lorenzo, she had opted for a stationery set, thinking it would be useful for him as he was partly in charge of Arthur's career, and as for Pascale, Lyanna had opted for a body and face care set so that she could take care of herself.

“Did you find a gift for Charles?” asked Charlotte as they were heading to a restaurant.

“Yeah, I have it already. I just hope he’ll like it.”

Caught up in their discussion, the two young women paid no attention to the all too recognisable Pista of a certain number 16 following them at a distance.

“I keep on telling you that we should have taken my car… they are going to see us.” Mumbled Joris, his face between his hands starting to question his life choices and how they led him to sit in his best friend’s car, spying on his current and ex-girlfriend.

“And I’m telling you that we are super discreet. And we don’t spy. We are just trying to see what they are doing. I just want to understand.”

“That’s the definition of spying, mate.”

“Shut up.”

Charles ended up parking awkwardly in a spot where he wasn't sure he was really allowed to, but at least it was out of sight. He took two black hoodies and sunglasses out of his trunk. He handed one to Joris before putting on the second.

“You really went overboard with the I’m definitely not spying my girlfriend.” Commented Joris.

Charles glared at him to shut him up and the two friends headed for the restaurant where Lyanna and Charlotte were eating. Fortunately for Charles, they were sitting near the window and he could see them quite clearly. They were laughing together and looked very friendly and Charles couldn't help wondering what was so funny.

It was the crowd around the restaurant that caught Charlotte and Lyanna's eye as they enjoyed a coffee with macaroons. Lyanna naively thought it was for her at first, but when no one entered the restaurant or seemed to be paying any attention, she discarded the idea. It was Charlotte who realised what all the fuss was about when she spotted Charles's best friend a little way back in the crowd, seemingly enjoying the warm greetings his friend was receiving.

“Did you tell Charles that we would meet today?”

“Yes, he knows. Why?”

“Because I think I see Joris, and unless he has become a superstar in the span of one year, I do believe that Charles is here.”

Lyanna sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. The two young women got up, took their time paying the bill and left the restaurant to approach the crowd. And indeed, the closer they got, the more Lyanna could hear Charles's name being called out. The two young women stood back for a few moments, just long enough for all the fans to get a photo or an autograph and then to leave.

When Charles saw Lyanna and Charlotte, both with their arms crossed and the same disapproving look on their faces, he knew he was in trouble.

“Hey… Girls… Fancy seeing you here.” He tried to play it nonchalant.

“Charles are you following me?” asked Lyanna bluntly.

“Following you? Babe, you are hurting my feelings. It’s just a pure coincidence. Joris called me this morning asking me to help him find a gift for his mom and being the great friend that I am, I accepted. Nothing more. Right, Joris?”

Charles stared at his friend, who cleared his throat and approached the group.

“Yeah… my sister… I mean my mom is picky and Charles has great taste so…”

“You don’t need to cover for him, Joris.” Said Charlotte.

“I promise you, Lya it’s not what it looks like…”

“So you are not spying on us?”

“Yeah okay, fine we were spying. But can you blame me? I just wanted to see by myself what a friendship between you and Charlotte would look like.”

“Were you scared that I would turn her against you by saying what an idiot you are sometimes?” intervened Charlotte. “Because if so, don’t worry I think she doesn’t need me to see that. You do wonders by yourself.”

“Haha very funny.”

“Since when are you following us?”

“Lyanna, believe me you don’t want to know.” Said Joris.

“We might have been behind you in that cosmetic shop. By the way my mom is going to love the gift.”

“I don’t know if I should be scared because your behaviour is creepy or admirative because how the hell were you so subtle.”

“Go with the second option, it will make me sleep better tonight.”

Lyanna rolled her eyes and turned to Charlotte.

“I’m so sorry about him.”

“Don’t worry. I see you around. Happy holidays to you both.”

Joris not wanting to spend another minute in Charles's company, took the opportunity to go his own way, leaving Lyanna and the pilot alone at last. The young woman handed her bags to Charles, who grabbed them sheepishly.

“You are so going to sleep on the sofa tonight.”

============

author's note: A little chapter to celebrate Silverstone week end aka one of my favourite race on the calendar! Next chapter will be Christmas at the Leclerc, I can't wait and then off we go for the 2024 season. We are slowly approaching the end of the story and I'm not going to lie, it makes me very sad. As usual, don't forget to comment / reblog / like the story since it's the best way to let me know that you are actually enjoying it. And see you for another chapter very, very soon!

taglist: @zendayabelova @purplephantomwolf @ru-kru @dakotali @blueflorals @aundercover @ruleroftheuniverse @fangirlika @writerscurse @elijahmikaelsonbitch @leclerc13 @karmabyfernando @stargaryenx @pitlanebabe @boiohboii @reengard If you are tagged but did not receive any notifications, please check your settings because it means that Tumblr didn't let me tag you.

#charles leclerc #fiction #writing #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc imagines #charles leclerc x female reader #cl16 #cl16 x reader #charles leclerc blurb #charles leclerc fanfic #f1 x oc #f1 fic #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 fanfic

63 notes · View notes

krystaldeath · 2 months

Text

Cotl Auuuuu

It’s modern time babeyyyy

* This au does take place in modern day but it technically “starts” in the late 90s bc it’s a Narinder and Lamb were childhood best friends au :))

* I honestly have the most ideas for when they’re in high school but I’ll get to that in a bit (also should say this was inspired by that one prom post from redcrowncafe where Lamb talks about their prom date who was an asshole and wishes they knew Narinder then so they could’ve gone with each other. Saw that and thought “okay but what if they did” and that spiraled out of control)

* I’ve yet to say that my personal headcanon for Lamb’s family is that they had two moms, and three younger siblings (a sister about 12 years younger, and 18 years younger twins; one male one amab gender-fluid). The twins don’t show up till Lamb is, well, 18 tho so they won’t come up much yet

* The Bishops (Bishop is just their last name here) are all foster siblings who have shitty foster parents. Shamura stays even a bit into their early 20s because of this since they don’t want to leave their younger siblings alone with those two. The foster parents’ were abusive in multiple ways, and they also kept any money the Bishop’s respective parents might’ve left for their offspring to themselves (spoiler: Shamura’s in particular were LOADED and so when the Bishops are finally away from these two they’re pretty much set for life). It’s after a particularly scary night where a two year old Leshy and a six year old Heket are threatened while Shamura and the parents are arguing that something in Shamura snaps and they begin to plan to murder their foster parents. Yay!

* I don’t have the details but they in fact /do/ kill them. Thing is they’re super smart about it and hardly any evidence can be traced back to them. It is a small town though so there aren’t too many suspects and overall the one who would have the motive and probable method would be Shamura (unless they wanna try and pin it of 13 year old Kallamar or 8 year old Narinder). Thing is, their foster parents? No one liked them. So no one’s gonna point fingers. The police try and press people to give a suspect but no one does. So the case goes cold. But, even though no one liked the two, murder is still frowned upon by most so the siblings move away.

* But BEFORE all that let me explain a bit about Nari and Lamb’s friendship: they met in kindergarten (idk why they’re in the same grade when I hc Lamb to be a year older but shhh) and while Narinder tried to act “cool” and “aloof” Lamb was having none of it and dragged him along on little kid adventures like playing in the mud and pretending to be power rangers. Also almost from the get go Nari had a little crush on Lamb lol. Since Nari and his sibs move away when he’s 8, these two knew each other for 3 years. Idk what all happens in that time. Like I said most of what I’ve thought up for this au (mainly about Narilamb) happens in their high school years. It is thanks to their play dates at each others houses that Lamb figures out that being nonbinary is a thing from Shamura and is like “Wait… Me too???”

* After the move, Nari and Lamb stay connected through letters and phone calls. They also send pictures of all kinds of things, mainly of themselves so the other “won’t forget what I look like!” Neither make many lasting friends, at least, not ones around the same age as them (Lamb befriends Ratau and his buddies. Narinder befriends kind library assistant Forneus and her two twin sons).

* Lamb is loud and proud about who they are, which unfortunately makes them targeted for bullying, though it’s not just for their gender, it’s also because of their - Idk a better word than quirky Sorry - personality and the rumors about their long distance best friend; there’s multiple rumors, like that he doesn’t exist (this comes from those who don’t know much about the whole Bishop family scandal) or that he’s a murderer, just like his older sibling (this comes from those that /do/ know, ofc)

* Btw over the course of these years they’ve been apart Nari’s crush has only grown and Lamb has also gained a crush on Nari themself

* OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY TIME FOR THE BIT I HAVE THE MOST OF AN IDEA FOR GET READY (it’s super cheesy and corny and honestly feels like a Disney channel original movie but this fandom could use a little more of that imo so let me live)

* So, I know some schools would let Juniors have their own prom. Let’s say Lamb’s school does that. They had been asked by some guy to be his prom date and figured “why not?” and accepted. Thing is the guy asked if they could buy his ticket, and being the nice person (yet to decide if this is also a human au or if they’re still all animals) they are they do so. The guy then just takes the ticket and tells them to get lost. Lamb didn’t like the guy but it still hurt to have their kindness taken advantage of. They tell Narinder all about it and admit they probably won’t even go to the prom, even though they already bought a ticket and outfit. Nari, who Lamb can’t see bc it’s just a phone call, is absolutely SEETHING.

* Now Narinder has a mission: Get a tux, flowers, and other gifts. Convince Shamura to let him go in his truck (yeah he drives a truck in this au, idk it’s just the car I imagined when I thought it up lol) and be away from home for a few of days (it would take about a day to drive there, then he’d want to stay for at least one or two, then another to drive back). Shamura is reluctant (that town holds a lot of bad memories and him being so far away when he’s only 16 is scary), but seeing the determination in his eyes makes them relent.

* He calls Lamb’s moms and lets them know his plan, but wants it to be a surprise. They both agree to convince them to go to prom even if they will be going alone, without letting it slip that they will have a prom date after all.

* Prom night comes around, and Lamb, who is dressed in a tux-dress combo, is confused as to why their moms, who were so insistent that they go, aren’t ready to take them? (Projecting my reluctance to learn to drive onto them here, so that’s why they can’t drive themself). Then the doorbell rings. They answer and see Narinder (who is now like a foot taller wow couldn’t tell that in the photos he sent) in a tuxedo holding a bouquet and corsage. He’s got a nervous smile on his face as he says “I know it’s a little last minute, but will you allow me to accompany you to prom?”

* Almost a full minute passes in silence, making Nari sweat and begin to regret doing all of this. Then he gets jumped by Lamb into a hug that topples them both to the ground as they scream “YES!!!”. Thankfully they aren’t hurt and their formal wear is alright, though they wouldn’t notice otherwise, their focuses only on each other’s laughter and presence.

* When he opens the passenger door for them there’s a basket of treats, jewelry and a black cat plushie. “Ohh, Narinderrrr! You’re making me feel like I’m royalty!” “You are, to me.” *pause as they look at each other in flustered silence* “A-ANYWAYS WERE SHOULD GET GOING RIGHT?” “OH YEAH YOURE RIGHT. Uh, help me up?” He helps them climb into their seat, close the door, and silently screams about how dumb that was (while Lamb is inside internally screams about how sweet that was and oh no they think they’re falling for him)

* They get there (Yeah I realized Nari doesn’t have a ticket but let’s say somehow there was enough for him to buy one at the entrance) and they’re having a good time (only barely noticing the looks they’re getting and the whispers of “Isn’t that one of the Bishop siblings? Figures Lamb would have to settle for a murderer to be their date.”), dancing, eating and drinking the possibly spiked punch. I’m sorry to say some hurt is about to happen

* They have a run in with the guy who tricked Lamb and Nari almost breaks the guys nose before Lamb pulls him away saying it’s not worth it. He’s about to disagree and say something embarrassing again like “maybe /he’s/ not worth it but /you/ are and he hurt you so he deserves to be punched” when a girl “accidentally” spills her whole cup of punch onto Lamb’s outfit. Everyone around them laughs and Lamb, barely blinking back tears, runs out of the building. Narinder growls at them all and runs after Lamb.

* He finds them curled up by a tree outside, and sits down next to them. He tries to comfort them but they sob out “Just take me back home.” He agrees to do so, but tells them to go wash up a bit in the bathroom while he gets something. As they’re washing up he knocks on the door and asks to come in. They let him and see he’s holding a box. He tells them he planned on giving it to them later after Prom for something else he had planned but figured they’d just go now since Lamb didn’t want to stay anymore. He hands it to them and says he’ll be waiting outside.

* Surprise! It’s another outfit :)) It’s a bit more cozy than what they were wearing before, but still fit for “royalty”. And a black crown with a big red jewel inlaid in the middle-front

* They get dressed and marvel in the mirror before going back out. Narinder’s heart skips a beat when he sees them.

* Idk what to put in between so let’s skip ahead to when they’ve arrived at a spot out in the open wilderness where it’s easier to star gaze. He sets up the trunk bed to be comfy and reveals he had a cooler and basket of food for them to have a night picnic under the stars.

* After they’ve eaten some, one thing leads to another, and then Lamb pulls Narinder into a kiss. They both confess and spend the rest of their time cuddling (until Lamb gets a phone call from their very nervous moms because of how late it’s getting and they’re not home yet lol)

* I have more ideas but to sum them up for now: The rest of this AU is just Narilamb long distance relationship angst & fluff. Eventually the Bishops move back to the small town and then it’s not long distance narilamb (and eventual leshycat and whatever else).

* I will say this: Another murder will happen, this time it’s Lamb who commits it. That’s all I’m giving y’all ;))c

14 notes · View notes

v3nusxsky · 1 year

Note

Hii, I love your writing and you're so very talented!!

Please, feel free to ignore this request if you don't feel comfortable writing it 😊

I was wondering if you could write a Lady Lesso x Never!Student platonic where the reader has depression. The reader has no motivation and everything seems like a chore - even eating. She would feel so terrible that she would phyically get sick and nauseous and tired all the time. The nights are the worst because her mind is plagued by dark thoughts, the nights seemed to never end, she's afraid she'll do something stupid so she rans down the hallway knocking on Lady Lesso's headquarters' doors.

She's afraid of Lady Lesso but she's afraid of herself even more.

I suffer from seasonal depression that lasts from like February to October and I'm tired already-

It gets to the point I even think things that aren't even true. Like... I'd mix reality and thoughs. For example - I'd be thinking my phone cracked and for some reason I'd believe it. I get so confused xD And I'd isolate myself from people not even caring. I wish I could feel bad because I stopped communicating with them but I just don't.

Hey lovely anon! <3 thank you so much for your support and kind words. I hope this is what you were looking for <3

Save me from myself

*Authors note| This seemed very fitting for my mood today so I absolutely have had a blast writing this.*

Trigger warnings~ food issues depression self harm the whole lot really

Prompt~see ask^^

Depression is a strange thing, especially when coupled with anxiety. It's like you have no energy to do anything but your brain is going a million miles a minute. Yet it makes perfect sense, your brain is whirling so many thoughts that it's draining all of your energy. Self care goes out the window, anything that really requires any physical emotional or mental energy goes too. Why does life have to be soo hard? It feels as though everything is getting on top of you and pushing you further and further back into this dark place. The dark place being cold and lonely, two of the things you wished to not feel, yet they surround you all day every day.

Food isn't on your radar, even the thought of food makes you feel nauseous. All you want to do is sleep for the rest of eternity. Yet your mind refuses to allow that. You know that staying in doors, in bed, is not helping you. Yet getting up is much too difficult. Sleep seems to evade you. Taunting you as if it knows your desperation for it to claim you. The lack of food, sleep and your overwhelming feelings seem to control your everyday thought. You know it's wrong and that you should ask for help but the energy to do that is missing.

That's why you turned to an older coping mechanism. You didn't mean to. It was a moment of weakness and not one you had planned to do again. You felt guilt as sin. Yet when you did it god the numbness was something you craved. But you couldn't do that again, it was a dangerous path that was extremely hard for you to crawl your way back from. Scars littered your arms now and they served as a reminder, self harm was not and is not the way forward. So for days you focused so hard on not giving into the urge, it was draining you but at least it worked.

As a never it felt wrong to even consider reaching out for help, it was weakness. Never's aren't weak. Weakness got you in a vulnerable space, something you really can't afford. Yet for some reason you had bonded rather well with the one and only Dean of Evil. Your recent slip into your seasonal depression had you pulling away from Leonora, something she didn't take too well. At first she assumed you were unwell, after all no one can stay in perfect health all the time, but soon it became apparent something darker was lurking behind your dorm room door. Something perhaps you were trying to hide. She trusted in you to find her when you felt ready, she had told you day or night she would be there for you and had truly meant every word.

Tonight, you broke. Fighting this battle alone was terrifying, and you didn't trust yourself to not fall back into that bad habit, you knew what would happen if you stayed in the room alone. You knew where to find your collection of sharp objects and how your control would dwindle fast just by the sight of them. You could feel the sensations of them on your skin. This was dangerous territory and you knew it. So without thinking you fled. Seeing the outside of your dorm for the first time in days. The candle light seemed awfully too bright and overwhelming from what you remember, was it always this cold? Briefly, you considered going back to hibernate under your blankets and just wait this out, but the sensations on your arm reminding you just how much of a terrible idea it truly was. So you ran.

Your body mindlessly taking you to your safe place, your home. Before you even knew it you were up the hall standing outside of Lesso's chambers. A luxury only had been given, for this exact reason. Yet here you stood, willing yourself to stay put and knock. Yet your mind was telling you to go back to the room and give in. Give in to the demon that plagued you. You need it. But you don't want it. And that's what makes you knock. Small timid knocked in a carefully designed pattern alerted the older women of your presence. And when that door opened, you felt your heart shatter into a million pieces.

This was absolutely terrifying, but you were more scared of your own mind right now. Your body reacting instantly by seeing the women, you threw yourself in her direction causing your body to slam into hers. Sobs tore through your body as she brought her arms around your quivering form. At this point you didn't know what was real and what was in your mind. Was she holding you? The words you hear, are the created by your mind? You didn't know, and truthfully you didn't care right now. You needed her and she was here, in person or in your mind , but that didn't matter. She was here when you needed her just as she had promised to be.

Soon enough you had settled on her sofa in front of the fire being cocooned by her strong arms and words of reassurance and encouragement being whispered into your hair as you let it all out. Tears and muffled apologises for pushing her away, hurting yourself and not being strong enough. Each and every fear she squashed and by the end of it you had snuggled closer and fallen into the first restful sleep you'd had in god knows how long.

Word count~ 1170

#fanfic #lady lesso #sfgae #leonora lesso #lady lesso x reader #lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #leonora lesso x reader #dean of evil #send anons #anon request

85 notes · View notes