A Royal Spooky Fuck Up | Misfits Timeline Anomaly’ verse
An oc x oc collaboration between @seanfalco & @super-unpredictable98
Word Count: 4,7k
Warnings: Strong language, ghost stuff, mention of death
a/n: Soooo we ended up forgetting to tell you guys something lol we thought it was pretty dehumanizing to call each of the Nathans "Lyddie's Nathan" or "Win's Nathan" so we gave them nicknames. Lyddie's Nathan is now Nate and Win's Nathan is Nats. Hope it's not confusing and that you enjoy our second quad adventure for the @sheehalloween
(Masterlist)
The year was 2022, life was just starting to look normal again, as normal as it gets. It was the end of a long eight show week in Six, where Lydia had been playing Anne Boleyn for a few months and she was rewatching The Crown.
"Oh my God," she sobbed. No matter how many times she watched the scene where King George VI was found in his bed, she always cried. "And she wasn't there, Elizabeth wasn't there!"
"I thought you were anti-monarchy?" Win said as she walked through the living room to find her wife in tears in front of the telly.
"I am! I'm very anti-monarchy, I'm practically an anarchist," she wiped her tears with her sleeve. "I mean, King George got us through World War II, he was a great person. It's just a hobby, but I don't support it, our money pays for their luxury while everyone is struggling with the energy bills... horrific!"
"Yeah, no kidding, it's disgustin'," Winnie scoffed, though she plopped down next to Lydia on the couch.
"Oh shit! Did yeh hear?" Nats cried, skidding into the room.
"Hear what?" Win asked, frowning at him.
"We just saw it online, the Queen kicked th'bucket," Nate tilted his head seeing his wife's red puffy eyes. "Oh shit, bad time?"
"THE QUEEN DIED?" Lyddie screamed. "She was okay a couple days ago! What happened? She can't just die! What the fuck? Out of nowhere?"
"Well, not exactly out of nowhere, love, the woman was nearin' 100..." he murmured.
"So much for anti-monarchy," Win grumbled, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, she was good and old, one foot in th'grave an all, y'know? People have been waiting for this for a while..." Nats added.
"Everybody knows you can be a republican and still like the Queen! It's the Queen! The only one I've ever known, the only one my parents ever knew..." Lydia tried to work through the shock. "And what's the alternative? Carrot finger Dumbo and his mistress?"
"Th'alternative? Uh, I dunno, abolish th'whole bloody monarchy?" Win muttered.
"Don't know if y'know Lyds, but um- back in Ireland we're not her biggest fans," Nate sat down, stroking her back. "Pretty sure the chants in the streets now are Lizzie's in a box... but we're all here, we love ya."
"Yeah, course we love yeh. It's gunna be okay," Nats assured, sitting down on her other side.
"They've been here forever, they're not going anywhere," Lydia clung to Nats. "Oh no! The corgis..."
"The corgis will be fine," Nate murmured. "I think you're still gettin' over Betty White and Sond-"
"Don't say Sondheim or I'll cry..." she breathed, nearly a whisper. "I was gonna meet the Queen next month, the Royal Variety Performance."
"Maybe we should turn off Th'Crown," Win suggested, grabbing the remote and turning off the television while the boys comforted her.
"Hey, would it make y'feel better if we tried t'conjure th'Queen?" Nats exclaimed, snapping his fingers as he thought of it.
"You're gonna... conjure Queen Elizabeth? Won't she be angry at us? I mean, our flat is a dump next to her lavatory, let alone the rest of her palace," Lydia pouted.
"Well then guess you'll just meet the new King and Queen when you're singin' next month..." Nate teased.
"Queen consort! Camilla could never! And the new King is a self-proclaimed tampon, no way! I wanna meet the OG."
“Well, maybe we won’t conjure her physically,” Nats mused, tapping his bottom lip in thought. “What if we used an ouija board just t’talk to her?”
“How would you even know if you were actually talking to Queen Elizabeth?” Win snorted.
"We ask? Ghosts don't really have a reason to lie, do they?" Lydia watched as Nate made her a neon pink board.
"I guess that one time Jamie just omitted the fact that he was dead... he didn't lie," he sighed heavily.
“Or if they’re evil spirits,” Win said, pitching her voice low for effect while wigging her fingers ominously.
"Don't be silly... we can all see ghosts, if there were evil spirits roaming around I think we'd know. The ghosts we see are the ones we attract," Lyddie scoffed, trying not to think too much about that possibility.
“Serve yourselves then,” she shrugged.
“Aw c’mon, Winnie, at least come out your fingers on th’plancette,” Nats said, gesturing for her to join them around the coffee table.
"Please stay with us, just... don't move it around on purpose," Lydia asked, somewhat scared of what could happen. She didn't wanna end up like the Exorcist girl or another stupid child who misused the board.
"She wouldn't do that, it's okay, none of us would... maybe me, but I'm givin' you my word," Nate assured.
“I promise I won’t take th’piss,” Winnie said, holding her hand up solemnly before grinning at her wife and placing her fingers on the edge of the planchette. “So, how d’we start this thing?” she asked, looking at Nate.
"Oh, this is exciting, it's like The Craft... only hopefully with a better ending," Lydia cleared her throat before closing her eyes.
"When you're done don't forget t'say goodbye," Nate warned. "Okay okay. Hello spirits," she nodded and he covered his mouth not to laugh. "We are holding this seance to reach a very special person, we hope you all understand. Only positive energies are allowed in this circle and we humbly ask Queen Elizabeth Alexandra Mary of Windsor to come forward."
For a long moment, nothing happened, and the four of them held their breaths, their fingers trembling on the planchette, but it didn’t move.
"I guess I should explain... your majesty, I'm Lydia Young, I was about to perform in the royal variety show with my wife Win. My Irish husbands are here too, but no hard feelings."
"Well, some hard feelin's, my family... sorry we can talk politics later, Lizzie," Nate shook his head just as the planchette moved to hello.
Win’s brows rose and she nearly pulled her hands away. “Holy fu—“ she breathed. “It’s actually moving.”
“Ask her somethin’ else, Lyds!” Nats urged, excitement coursing through him. He half wondered if it was only working because of his and his twin's medium powers.
"Um... your majesty, did you attend your son's second wedding reception wearing white as retaliation for when Camilla wore white to his first wedding?" Lydia asked.
"Seriously? That's your question?" Nate chuckled and for a long time, nothing happened again.
“Did we lose her?” Win wondered aloud, watching the board for any tremble of movement.
Instead of drifting towards the yes or no, the planchette vibrated slightly before moving to the letter S.
"S? what does that mean? I, M..." Nate watched it in confusion.
"Simon? Why is she talking about him?" Lydia felt another shiver, but instead of excitement, this time it was fear.
"Guys, I don't think we're talkin' to th'dear departed Queen," Winnie whispered, her mouth going dry. She wanted to pull her hands away or yank the planchette to the 'goodbye' scrawled in the corner, but she couldn't move.
"Oh well, I think we have the wrong person, so... we respectfully ask to end this seance and say goodbye," Lyds stammered, but her hand was pulled as the spirit started to spell another word.
"Oh shit... MU... MUR... Murder, that's just great," Nate grimaced, shaking his head and regretting every decision he made that day.
"Simon and Murder," Win mused. "Oh fuck... I think we're talkin' to--" her exclamation cut short as the table beneath the ouija board began to vibrate.
"Sally? Is that you?" Lydia asked and the planchette surged towards the yes. "Oh, for fuck's sake, we know he killed you, you were gonna send us to jail! For a self-defense murder!"
"Wait who's Sally?" Nate asked before his mouth fell open. "Oh... the corpse bride lookin' cunt who gave me shit for that brick on her windshield!"
“Yeah, our probation worker,” Win added.
Nats opened his mouth to ask what to do next when the lights began to flicker ominously and the planchette began to move again. “What’s she spellin’ now?” he yelped, hoping no one could hear how freaked out he was.
"Justice... oh please! You're dead!" Lydia cried, but she didn't want to upset the spirits. "I didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry. It's just that he had to do it."
"We're good people! We never killed anyone cause we wanted to. Please fuck off," Nate pleaded.
“Let’s hang up, this call is goin’ nowhere,” Win said, dragging the planchette over to the ‘goodbye’ in the corner. “See ya, y’frigid bitch,” she muttered, wiping her hands.
“Guess she’s still pissed at us, even after all that time,” Nats mused. “Y’d think she’d mellow out after findin’ her boyfriend in th’afterlife.”
"Maybe they went to different places," Lydia pointed one finger up and one down. "I mean, Tony wasn't amazing, but he didn't do that to us cause he wanted to either. He was possessed."
"Maybe," Nate shrugged. "Can't see her anywhere, so it's over. Don't worry."
"I'll call Simon to put a Greek evil eye on his door," she jumped in search of her phone.
"I don't think Tony woulda turned violent unless he already had violence in his heart," Win murmured thoughtfully as she picked up the ouija board to put away. "But I'm glad that's over with, it gave me the skeevies."
"Probably, think we all got powers that had to do with who we are. I've always felt really vulnerable, so I got a shield. Nathan is dumb so he can't die..."
"Hey!" Nate laughed. "Don't think that's why!"
"I was afraid of bein' seen as a leech, so my power's leechin' other peoples'," Win muttered, still kinda sore about that one, even if it did come in handy.
"Don't say that, your power saved us so many times," Lyddie emerged from their room with her phone to give her wife a hug. But just as she took the other woman in her arms, the bedroom door slammed shut
Yelping in surprise, Win jumped into her arms. "D'you think...? It couldn't have been Sally, could it? We ended the seance..." she whispered, a chill running down her spine.
"She never said goodbye, but... Nate said he couldn't see anyone," Lyds held her protectively. "It was probably the wind, I left the window open."
"Right, yeah. The wind..." she agreed hesitantly, shaking her head, her voice trembling slightly. "C'mon, let's go make something to eat."
"Yeah, there's some leftover curry, I can toast some bread," Lyddie tried to not freak out for everyone's sake.
"Yummy! I'm starvin', all the supernatural shit really drained me," Nate hopped on the stool and leaned over the counter.
“Are you really not even a little rattled?” Win asked the boys as she pulled the dish of leftovers out of the fridge for Lydia.
“Nah, what’s she gunna do?” Nats scoffed, lifting a shoulder in a half-shrug.
"Your mum and our brother have t'make the biggest effort t'visit. What makes Sally so powerful that she could haunt us?" Nate agreed.
"Don't worry baby, nothing is gonna hurt us, I'm here," Lyddie smiled reassuringly.
Lydia’s words placated Win for the time being, but by the time they were getting ready for bed, more strange things began to happen.
“Nate, did you filch my clean pyjamas from th’bathroom?” Winnie huffed, emerging in her towel, her hair still dripping.
"That would've been a great idea t'see you naked, but no... someone got there before me," Nate gave his brother an accusatory glare.
"I can find something for you to wear," Lydia offered, opening the top dresser drawer and screaming when the bottom one opened as well, hitting her legs.
“What, it wasn’t me!” Nats cried, his exclamation turning into a sharp shriek of alarm as his wife cried and jumped back. “Oh shit! Lollipop, you alright?”
He quickly rushed to her side and kicked the dresser door shut. Suddenly the lights began to flicker faster and faster before the door slammed shut with a whoosh leaving them in darkness.
“I’m fairly certain that wasn’t th’wind this time!” Win exclaimed, having jumped into Nate’s arms atop the bed.
"Yeah, we might have a problem," Lydia murmured, letting Nats embrace her. "How can we banish her? She's so salty for no reason! She took my brother's phone, he was just trying to get it back."
"I don't know, I'd call my priest uncle, but things were a little awkward after the... y'know, fake possession stunt," Nate shared a look with his twin before loosening Winnie's towel to get a peek at her goods. "Ooh, nice, never gets old."
She gave him a halfhearted smack to the shoulder but didn’t bother recovering herself.
“I’m gunna ignore th’bit about a fake possession, though I’m definitely curious,” she said, looking between the two. “Maybe we should call a priest though? Not your uncle, but a priest?” she asked, her gaze going to her wife.
"Do you know any priests? I've never even been to a church, my mum's a former Catholic turned atheist and my dad's a Jewish hippie," Lydia covered them all in a force field as one of her Tony awards was launched from the shelf.
"I don't know, maybe there's some 0800-priest. Do we know any pastors maybe? Or monks? Maybe your dad knows a rabbi!" Nate asked.
“No, sorry. My family never went t’church either.” Win shook her head. “Maybe we could call th’local parish? See if they can help us?” She suggested, wincing as several books exploded from the shelf.
"We can't sleep like this! Let's go over there right now, I'm not letting this cunt hurt you. Nate, get us dressed, we're leaving," Lydia demanded.
"Right now? It's late," he said, though he followed her instructions, snapping his fingers to dress all of them up. "Could be dangerous."
"Not as dangerous as sleeping with a vengeful spirit in our house. Someone will have to help us."
“Will anyone even be there at this hour?” Nats asked, quickly shutting his mouth at the look his wife threw him.
"If there isn't, we're spending the night with my parents," Lyddie shoved a few essentials in a backpack and headed to the door while covering herself and the others still.
"What if she tries t'follow us?" he wondered as they walked across the estate to the big cathedral.
"Then I guess we better hope th'priest is in," Win murmured.
As expected, the doors at the church were locked, so Lydia banged with both fists while Nate tried to unlock it.
"Hey! We need help! We messed it up and now we're haunted!" She screamed.
After several minutes of their pounding and Lyddie's screaming, the door finally swung open, revealing a very disheveled looking man.
"Yes?" He exclaimed, leaning heavily against the church door.
"There are millions of bloody priests in the world, why the fuck he's the one helpin' us?" Nate hissed.
"Oh my... this is... this is new," Lydia's legs nearly gave out when she saw him, an exact copy of Nathan but with some facial hair. Not much, but enough to make her weak in the knees.
I fancy a priest, I'm so going to hell if I die one day, she thought, even more turned on by how sleepy and messy he looked.
"What, may I ask are y'doin' bangin' on th'door at this hour?" The priest asked, his gaze taking in all four of them.
"Oh..." Win breathed, discreetly reaching for Nate's arm, subconsciously trying to remind herself that she was married.
"We're bein' haunted!" Nats exclaimed, breaking the silence. "We need an exorcism, STAT!"
"We're so sorry, we didn't mean to disturb you, but it's really urgent," Lydia tossed her hair and fixed her posture. There was nothing wrong with being attracted to this guy, it'd not like anything would ever happen anyway. "There's a vengeful spirit throwing things around the house, we were trying to communicate with the Queen and things went south. We really really need your help," she pouted slightly.
“Why were y’tryin’ to talk to th’Queen?” the priest scoffed, amusement breaking the annoyed expression he wore. “Come on in, I gotta get dressed,” he murmured, gesturing for them to follow him.
"The royals are sort of a hobby of mine," Lydia obeyed, turning agape at Win like a giddy fan meeting her idol. "Even though I'm not exactly a fan of authority... can I ask what's your name, father?"
"Get a grip, you're married! And thinkin' what you're thinkin' about a priest is a sin for sure," Nate whispered in her ear.
Win met Lyddie’s look with one of her own and had to fight to stifle her snicker as she overhear his hissed warning.
“Uh, it’s Kay,” the priest answered distractedly, leading them to his office, which doubled for a bedroom. “Sit wherever y’like, make yourselves comfortable, and I’ll be back in a minute,” he said, gesturing to a few worn armchairs in the corner while running his other hand through his close cropped curls.
"Thank you," Lydia smiled, already grateful to Sally for being so stubborn.
Nate took a seat and pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her like a dog protecting his bone. "You're shameless, woman," he scolded.
"What? I didn't do anything, and you are right. We're married, for over ten years, you should be over your silly jealousy by now. He's a man of God, I could never!" She fought not to laugh. "I just hope he can help us with the house. Right, Winnie?"
"Yeah, I hope so too," she agreed, sharing a tiny grin with her wife.
"Okay, now get me up t'speed," Kay exclaimed as he returned to the room wearing his vestments. "You said somethin' about en exorcism?" he asked, sitting down on the arm of the chair opposite them.
"Yeah, we're bein' haunted by th'ghost of one of our probation workers," Nats explained.
"Almost fifteen years ago we were arrested and had to do some community service. My brother and this probation worker were having some sort of relationship," Lydia winced thinking about it. "She passed away during an accident and today when we tried to communicate with spirits, she's the one who came forward and she's really angry for some reason. We were wondering if there's anything you can do."
Kay looked thoughtful for a long moment. "I can come and bless your house, I s'pose."
"That's it?" Nats exclaimed incredulously.
"You say that as if you can do it yourself..." Lydia gave him a pointed look. "That would be great."
"Sorry, we're not exactly wired t'trust priests," Nate muttered.
Kay winced and opened his mouth before shutting it again, deciding better not to ask. "Since I'm awake, I suppose now's as good a time as any," he said instead, getting to his feet. "Shall we?"
"Yeah, we're so sorry by the way," Lyddie got up, fixing her skirt. "That whole mess might just make me religious."
"Mhmm, the mess," Nate took her backpack so she wouldn't have to carry it on the way back.
"Oh hush, you," Win hissed, nudging his shoulder as they filed back out the church and back into the night.
"D'yeh think this'll actually work?" Nats wondered in a hushed voice. "No offense to our lookalike priest," he muttered.
"I really hope so, this has t'be worth it," Nate rolled his eyes, following behind as the girls led the way. "Otherwise we'll have t'move out or some shit."
Once back at the house Nats entered hesitantly, looking around to see if Sally was still around. "I think th'coast is clear for th'moment," he said, turning around to let the others in.
"Ah what a bitch!" Lydia gasped when she saw their stuff scattered all over the floor. "Sorry, I didn't mean to curse."
"You sure?" Nate held up the two halves of her destroyed signed copy of Junji Ito's Uzumaki.
"That cunt whore!" She yelped and immediately covered her mouth, shaking her head in embarrassment.
"It doesn't bother me if you swear," Kay assured her, pattering her shoulder lightly as he stepped past her, surveying the room.
Suddenly a vase fell from the mantle, smashing on the ground and making them jump. "Wow, you weren't kiddin', that's one angry spirit," he murmured.
"We have no idea why..." Lyddie shrugged, taking Nate's hand when she noticed he was staring daggers at Kay. "You'll fix my book later, right? And our trophies..."
"Ask him..." he huffed stubbornly but quietly.
"Oh come on, are you 33 or 13?"
“I can fix them,” Win whispered.
“Sometimes it’s not fair you can do that,” Nats grumbled.
"Thank you, my lovely perfect wife," Lydia stuck her tongue out at the boys.
"You're too soft on her, Winnie," Nate folded his arms.
“And you’re getting your knickers in a twist over nothin’,” she snapped back.
"If y'say so," Nate couldn't deny that fella was being more than generous helping them out in the middle of the night.
“Not to worry,” Kay said, turning back to the four of them. “I’m going to th’cleanse your house now.”
"Thank you so much, do you need us to do anything, father?" Lydia asked tying her hair up in a ponytail.
“I’m gunna sprinkle some holy water in each room as I pray. All yeh need t’do is follow me,” he explained, reaching into his robe to grab his vial of the liquid.
"Yeah, of course," she took Win's hand, not for a moment doubting that plan was going to work. It only made sense... Nate on the other hand was quite unimpressed.
Winnie squeezed her wife's hand and followed after Kay. Though she didn't believe in the whole Jesus thing, she hoped that this prayer thing would work.
"How much you wanna bet this is gunna work or not?" Nats whispered to his twin.
"I bet a threesome that it's not gonna work," he whispered back smugly. "There's no fuckin' way one of our variants is a priest... he must be a fake, only doin' it for the free accommodations."
"Deal." Nats shook on it.
"What are you two on about?" Win hissed as they passed through the living room to the kitchen where Sally had left another mess.
"Nothin'," Nate flashed her a charming grin. "Just talkin' about how much we love our wonderful wives. There ya go always thinkin' the worst..."
Kay sprinkled a few drops of holy water as they went, his voice a melodic prayer. Winnie gave the Nathans a doubtful look, but held her tongue, not wanting to disrupt the cleanse.
I think there's something wrong with me, this is turning me on, Lydia thought, making the sign of the cross and shaking those thoughts away.
Kay continued his prayers, making the sign of the cross before leading them onto the next room.
Suddenly as they returned to the bedroom, everything began to vibrate violently, but he merely raised his voice louder, unperturbed as he flung a spray of holy water across the space. "Leave this house, spirit! By the name of God, I command ye!"
"This is exciting," Win breathed, grabbing Lydia's arm.
"Oh you have no idea..." she brought her wife's hand to her chest, where anyone could easily feel her heart racing. "He's not even scared, he's amazing."
Nate rolled his eyes, trying to look as unfazed, even though he was a little bit freaked out. The lights were flickering and the sounds of the objects flying around were deafening. It all got worse until it finally stopped, leaving them in the most peaceful silence.
"--In God's name, amen." Kay finished his prayer and smiled, turning to face the four of them. "Looks like she's left."
"Oh thank God," Win exclaimed, while Nats still eyed the room reluctantly, just waiting for Sally to return.
"So that's it? That actually worked?" Nate scoffed, only thinking of the threesome he'd have to sit out.
"You're a lifesaver! This is incredible! I have no idea how to thank you," Lydia laughed, unable to contain her excitement. "D-do we pay you? Can I bring you lunch tomorrow?"
"Oh," Kay exclaimed, somewhat taken aback. "No payment is necessary, but..." he hesitated, turning his grin on her, "lunch would be nice, after wakin' me up in th'middle of the night," he chuckled.
"What if she comes back?" Nats cried, scowling at the way Lyddie was gazing at the priest.
"I suppose, let me know and I'll try something a little more advanced," he answered, frowning slightly. "But in th'meantime, maybe no more tryin' to contact the dearly departed Queen via ouija board."
"I promise we will never touch another board again, we'll let the Queen rest," Lydia nodded, already planning what she was going to cook the next day. "I'll make sure to update you tomorrow on the whole ghost situation."
"Yeah well, thanks," Nate sighed, his face unbiddenly showing exactly how jealous he was. "Let's hope she doesn't come back," the last thing he wanted was to invite him over to get rid of another poltergeist.
Kay nodded. "It was my pleasure, good night to you," he said, following them back to the front door and stepping out into the dark street. As soon as he was gone, Nats shut the door heavily and let out a loud sigh.
"Winnieeeeeee!" Lydia squealed, jumping around, it had been a few years since a new variant had appeared. "We're ghost free! Well not really, but the bad ones are gone I hope."
"Thankfully," Nats sighed, catching her around the middle.
"Guess I'll clean the mess then," Nate muttered, waving his hand to fix what was broken and get it back in place even though he swore he wouldn't do it.
Win laughed at her wife's excitement before turning to Nate and winding her arms around his neck, stretching to do so. "Thank you, babe," she whispered.
"Yeah yeah..." he tried to fight a smile. "What don't I do for you two?" He held her in turn, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
She smiled, tilting her chin to look up at him. "Think we can resume where we were when I was in your lap with naught but a towel?" she purred, twining one of his curls around her finger.
"Now that's a plan," he lifted her in his arms, disappearing with her clothes even before reaching the bedroom. "So much better."
She giggled, letting out a yelp as he tumbled to the bed with her. "So glad to have our home back t'normal," she murmured, running her fingers through Nathan's curls.
"Me too, from now on we only summon the spirits we know," Nate mumbled against her lips. "I kinda bet a threesome with Nats and lost, so I'll keep you tonight. All mine."
"Guess y'shoulda had more faith then," Win teased, opening her mouth to him, grinning into the kiss. "But mmm, I like th'sound of bein' all yours tonight."
"Stop with that face, I'm not even looking and I know which face you have," Lydia turned in Nats' embrace and touched the tip of his nose with her own. "See? I knew it."
"And what face is that?" He asked with a laugh, pressing his lips to the tip of her nose.
"It's cute, you always scrunch your nose and your lips do this thing when you eat something you don't like or when you're jealous," she teased, scratching his scalp gently.
"Yeah, yeah, obviously I'm jealous," he grumbled, pushing his lip out further.
"As cute as it is when you're jealous of us, you know there's nothing to worry about, have we ever fucked another Nathan? We met several... and this is probably the only one who doesn't want anything to do with us," Lydia assured, stealing a kiss.
"I know," Nats murmured, pulling her closer by the waist and deepening the kiss.
"Good, you're the only one for me," she whispered. "Well, not really, but you get the picture."
Tag List: @firstpersonnarrator @elliethesuperfruitlover
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