#no but really wasnt the whole point of the road trip thing just to force will and mike into a confined space they had no escape from? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

morelike-bi-light · 4 years

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unplanned unexpected unwarranted vampire charlie au

au where bella decides she cant leave her dad behind like her mom did and convinces edward and carlisle to protect him too. carlisle ushers him out of the house and explains things to him, providing proof as needed - as much as he can. they go to arizona to hide out, charlie stumbling over his words to convince renee that he and bella were threatened and are in enough danger to need to hide out in a different state.

bella still gets the phone call, and renee doesn't answer when either of them call. when the others are distracted, she still gets away to meet james, but when the cullens go to save her, charlie's waiting outside with esme and rosalie (who are guarding him on the road instead). victoria is there too - and she gives them more trouble than they anticipated. emmett and jasper are distracted by the redhead and the noises from inside the studio getting louder and more concerning by the second.

when a scream rings out — he's never heard bella sound like this, not even when she was a mousy little girl buried under his seahawks baseball cap far too big for her head — charlie can't help but wrench open the door and run inside. his baby is cowering away from a bloodthirsty monster and there's not even a pause in his step as he sprints over to shield her form with his own, squeezing her against his chest and praying for the first time since he heard she wanted to come up to forks for the rest of school

his prayer's interrupted by a loud shattering sound and a malicious laugh. "aw, look at that! daddy's trying to save you. what a noble, pointless sacrifice!" a smack like stone hitting stone. "well far be it from me to deny a man his dying wish."

he doesn't hear what he says next - he doesn't hear anything, or see anything, because everything is white and sharp and pain, burning like a star, blooming in the crevice where his shoulder meets his collarbone. nothing exists right then but the cold fire in his skin, burrowing in his bone. it feels like hours before anything changes. the first thing to slip through is wet on his cheek and cool hands scrabbling to clutch at his.

"dad! dad!" bella? "edward! carlisle! anybody, any of you, please, I need help! my dad — needs help!" a hand on his cheek, trembling and frantic. "dad just hang in there! somebody help us!"

his fingers twitch, stretching towards her. "bella —you okay — bells — "

"im okay! im okay, im so sorry, dad, im so sorry! im sorry, it shouldnt have been you — this is all my fault — edward! edward please, you have to help him!"

hers is still the only voice he can discern but there are more emerging, blending together but getting closer. he catches snatches of words like 'bit', and 'spread', and 'minutes', and 'sorry', and 'safety'. a pale shape stands at the edge of his vision, and at once he's lifted from the floor. he convulses, eliciting another audible choke from his sweet daughter, and he recognizes a familiar, soothing voice from above.

"we can't stay here..."

"what? what do you mean?"

"we'll bring him back with us..."

"what are you going to do?"

"let him take him, bella, please"

"we'll watch over him, i promise."

"Im not leaving him, i can't just let him go!"

"i promise," softer. "jasper — will he sleep?"

the world softens and fully crumbles away. there's nothing left. nothing but fire.

time doesn't exist here, but then the fire, it doesn't go out. yet it stops hurting. it stops eating. it starts feeding. a single thought pops into his head that will make no sense to him when he recalls it later — a weary 'oh. i see.'

three days after the ballet studio, he wakes up to a brown popcorn ceiling. he blinks. he can see every crack and cranny in the plaster.

"mr. swan?" a tinkling voice says, and he sits up. "good, I thought you'd be up." the little black haired cullen girl beams up at him, chipper but sorry. her hand is curled around his wrist. "bella will be back any moment, and carlisle soon after. they're just across the hall, actually. he says we'll need to look after you for a while, just in case, —"

she pauses, just soon enough to avoid being interrupted by the sound of beeping and pressing keys and the door swinging open. bella is whole and wonderful — he can see every inch of her and she's really actually fine, not even a scratch — and she freezes seeing him but then she's flinging herself forward, pale face contorting

"dad—!"

"b-bells," he stands up, quickly, too quickly, to meet her, tugging alice along with him, but edward catches his girlfriend's hand and holds her back as he voices her objections to her entering at all. charlie scowls at first, when a scent reaches his nose — a smell that might've made his stomach growl if it could. his eyes cast up in open question.

edward is stiff, eyes looking conflicted but legs poised to pounce. "it's her."

"oh." charlie shifts uncomfortably on his feet, properly spooked, willing the despairing thirst away. as moments pass since making the connection, the scent of blood — of food — fades, to the point he can hardly detect it at all. it's a sharp relief.

"you — how do you feel," bella forces out, eyes locked with his with an uncomfortable intensity that makes him squirm and anxiously rake a hand through his hair. carlisle and the others filter in behind her and he's grateful for something else to look at, now he knows she's safe.

"better," he settles on. "than before, I mean. was that — did —" he waits for someone to interrupt him and fill him in, but it's quiet. "are you okay?"

a bark of laughter bursts from her chest and she assures him she's fine, eyes wide and brows furrowed like she can't believe he's a real person, the way she gets sometimes when he says something so awkward and sincere it makes her want to groan. but she doesn't want to groan anymore. instead she's torn between crying and singing.

"what do you remember?" carlisle asks, gently stepping forward, his gaze a mix of clinical fascination, wary confusion, and personal concern. charlie would flush beneath it... but the heat never comes to his cheeks.

"exactly how much are you looking for," he grumbles. "last thing i recall..." no need to go into the pain. "finding bella with that... guy at the studio."

"just finding her?"

"trying to protect her," he amends, focused on avoiding everyone's gaze. "and... it was..." then he notices how much there is to see, even when hes trying not to look at anything. he frowns. absorbing this much — it feels like a headache, minus the pain itself. overload. "it was him wasnt it. he bit me"

esme and jasper nod, but carlisle and bella just look away, the brunette visibly cringing. edward's jaw tightens, and for some inexplicable reason, the sight of that is what makes it all click for him.

"so," he fumbles for a second, but the word comes out so clean and sure when he says it, not at all like he feels. his mouth is physically incapable of tripping over itself like hes used to, no stammer, no stumbling. he grimaces and all the muscles pull exactly like he intends them too. he shakes his head. "he bit me. and? can i assume that's what's got me feeling so weird? the... some sort of effect of the bite?"

bella doesnt answer. neither does carlisle. surprisingly, it's that blonde girl that replies, though not to him.

"show him," she says, and after a moment, esme creeps forward, gesturing for his hand. he hesitates, but takes it. edward shifts to place bella behind him, as if she needs to be protected from him the way charlie protected her from james, a move that breaks his heart. gently, esme maneuvers him over to the bathroom. she turns on the lights, though she didn't really need to. he blinks. red. in the middle of a face with skin more suited to a shelf at a morgue than the tasteful backsplash of the bathroom, framed with dark, curling, concerningly long lashes, his irises were red. that wasn't it, either.

"am i..." he huffed. "am i seeing things, or am i way better looking than usual?"

a ripple of good humor disturbs the room, from esme's warm giggle, to a watery chuckle from bella, to a great, booming crow from emmett.

"way to focus on what's important, chief," alice nods, at the man's back in an instant. she doesn't sound nearly as sarcastic as those words should warrant. "finally, a man after my own heart."

"wait till you try running for the first time," emmett interjects, joining her behind him. "mind, blown."

some of the other family members sigh and shake their heads. charlie runs his eyes along his sharper jaw, still sprinkled with the stubble he'd acquired in the preceding chaos, now even and almost roguish where before hes pretty sure it made him look old and unkempt. he looks younger, he thinks, not young exactly, but good. better than his age.

he pulls away from his reflection, eyes flickering from face to face around him. he might even have said that he fit in with the mythically beautiful family. hes struck by how silly he was to dismiss the strangeness of the gorgeous, antisocial group out of hand, now that he sees how strange he's become himself, before his eyes fall to his daughter.

"im sorry dad" she mumbles, humor evaporating, and a pain resounds like a crack in his chest.

slowly, carefully, he moves forward, and the rest of the vampires stand on high alert as they realize what he's about to do. bella's eyes are bloodshot and he presses his lips together in a bittersweet line as he wraps her in his arms and tucks her close, just under his chin. a shudder runs down his spine as a phantom pain ghosts over his shoulder, but he brushes it aside and it evaporates like water. when he breathes in, she smells the way she always has, and he is not hungry.

"it's okay, kiddo. we'll get through this. im just glad you're okay."

and they do. charlie's vampiric powers are related to shielding, like his daughter, but his are more like putting things on mute, if that makes sense. small things, obviously, and usually physical. he's got a great deal more resistance to thirst than most newborns, for example, because it's muted by his powers, particularly for those he cares about. unfortunately this makes it likelier for him to, uh, die of thirst, as it's possible for him to forget to feed. and he can't block edward from hearing his thoughts completely, but they're muffled naturally by his powers (and always will be. hes not helping anyone into his head any time soon, especially not his daughter's boyfriend). he can also mute his own scent to the shapeshifters — which means he and billy, after things are all sorted, will still be able to hang out and be best friends!! he can also mute his own footsteps,

anyways this started as a meme post intending to go into how comedic it would be if charlie got changed and bella spent the rest of the series complaining that edward wanted to spend the rest of eternity with her father but not with her but then i got struck with some mad charlie feels and this happened so anyways vampire!charlie everyone @charlieswanismyrealdad @effervescent-emmett @cullen-trash @emmettmccartycullen @jaspell @leahclearwaterdefensesquad is this anything

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fandom-blackhole · 3 years

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Not sure if you write for captain rex but 34/35 from the au list- maybe you meet him at a hotel and hit it off? Make it as smutty as you want ;)

Do I write for the love of my life?!? Of course I do and I absolutely love this....

34. Vacation Fic

35. Bathtub Fic

Ok so for this I am seeing it as a modern AU as well. Rex is a Captain in the military, per usual for my modern!Rex, and is currently staying at the hotel as he is doing some kind of out of state training with his battalion. While the training was happening, his superiors had lodged them in a hotel, and considering some of the hotels Rex had been forced to stay in in the past this one was quite nice. You on the other hand, were staying at the hotel purely because your mother had guilt tripped you into coming to a family friend's wedding. You weren't close with this person, and you had wanted to avoid the event knowing family members that didn't care for you were going to be there. But once your mother had told you that she had bought the hotel room for you, well you couldn't exactly say no. Somehow, you had managed to be booked on the same floor as what seemed to be an entire militia of army men, your room being attached to what seemed to be their superior's room. You had been booked for a week leading up to the wedding, along with the day after, your mom saying, "That way you can come and get involved in all of the fun wedding activities!" Instead you sat in the room for the first day, and then on the second day you decided to go scout where the wedding was to be held, and get some food. On your way back to your room with your Chinese take out, you had quite literally ran into your temporary neighbor in the elevator. You both had been polite, after you had apologized, while you couldn't help but to be taken with how handsome he was and how he wore his fatigues in a way no one else could. You both had laughed when you both got out on the same floor and went to the doors next to each other. For the next two days the two of you ran into each other everywhere, not just at the hotel either. The night before the wedding, the two of you had gotten close enough that in the evenings you both had taken to opening the doors that separated your rooms and going to either of the rooms and having dinner and a chat. The night before the wedding though something changed and you told him how much you were dreading the next day and how you really didn't want to go at all. Rex only reassured you and when he went to go to his room for the night he had leaned in and given you a chaste kiss on your lips with a flushed face saying goodnight before shutting and locking his door. The next day you got around, and pulled on your clothes and did your hair and just got ready. As you were leaving, Rex walked don't his door as well, and he had smiled at you saying, "You look absolutely beautiful and prefect, darling." You road the high from his compliment throughout the ceremony and most of the reception, until your mother waved you over to talk. Once you had gotten close to her table you saw she was chatting with the family that you didn't like and didn't like you, but you put on a fake smile anyway. Then they all started asking question after question about your future, about your love life, about how your outfit was kind of scandalous (it really wasnt), and just anything the judging women could point out or ask about. By the time you had gotten back to the hotel their words had taken a toll on you, and the second you got to your floor you had tear trails and you stopped a door short of your own, and knocked on Rex's. The second he answered he ushered you in worried. He had asked what was wrong and you only replied you didn't want to talk about it. When asked what you wanted, you blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "A bath would be nice…" "Ok, I can go run you a bath, just...just make yourself comfortable…" By the time Rex had come back for you, the bath was ready and you bit your lip suddenly shy, but jumping when Rex whispered, "I'll be out here if you nee-" "But I wanted you to take the bath with me…" Rex only stopped like a deer in the headlights before nodding. The two of you slowly stripped and took in the other's bare form before climbing in the tub together and thank God for the fact that it couldn't have been a more perfect fit.

The two of you sat silently for a few minutes before you started to feel a stirring in the water behind your back as Rex's hands traced your sides. You heard Rex cough, and in a tense tone say, "S-sorry darling, you are just so perfect and I can't help it...but please of course don't take this as you have to do something with me, and I will never force you to. Just-just ignore it…" "Rex" "Yes, darling?" "Please for the love of the maker, Fuck. Me." Being a Captain through and through, Rex immediately took the order with a joking, "yes sir" before laying kisses along your shoulders and neck as he shoved his perfectly thick and calloused fingers inside of you, taking no time at all to work you open. This may have been your first time together, but some how Rex had already figured out how to play your body like a fine tuned instrument, bringing you to the edge after the first few well timed and angled thrusts of his fingers. After he coaxed that first orgasm out of you, he gently manhandled you so that you were on your knees holding the edge of the tub in front of you as he rubbed his cock across your aching hole before asking, "Are you sure you want this?" But after receiving a nod and a moaned please, he thrust into you. Rex then fucked you slowly and thoroughly, making sure to find all the spots from before and then some with his cock making you moan his name loudly. When you started tightening around him, close to your 2nd orgasm Rex's thrusts sped up. You could hear the water sloshing out of the tub and soaking the floor as he chanted your name over and over as you replied with high pitched whines before you came completely around him. Seconds later you felt him pull out and paint your back with his warm cum with a final prayer of your name from his lips. The two of you ahd cleaned up, before settling into Rex's bed for the night, and spending it doing anything but sleeping. The next day, you had awoken to Rex answering his door in sweats, still half asleep and grunting out a rough, "what" that had your lower half clenching again, before you heard a similar voice say, "Captain, big brother, i just wanted to come and see who finally made it into your bed, and for the whole night as well just screaming you name. Damn, bro you fou-" Rex cut who ever it was off by slamming the door and locking it before crawling back into bed pulling you close and burying his face in your neck, grumbling something about twins and an Echo and Fives.

Send me an AU or two??

#vacation fic #bathtub fic #modern au #not exactly what you wanted but I liked the idea #captain rex x reader #rex x reader

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p1nkwitch · 3 years

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If I may one last director's cut: And the Nightmare Collapses? 👁️

Ask as many as you want i dont mind.

Oh my monster au, what to say? I had this in the backburner for a few months now. Originally i was going to make a series of one shots from different characters perspectives.

So first it was going to be Jon waking up from the coma and realizing that everyone were monsters but him sort of like a walking dead scenario. I had the clear picture of him seeing Georgie in her hald deaf state being like, what the fuck happened???

Now the entire idea came to mind with how pissed off i was at everyone in season four acting like Jon was the worst for no discernable reason. Like, Melanie, Basira and Georgie, all treated him in different levels rather cruely. Georgie wasnt so mean, but she was playing blind eye to the whole thing being fucked.

So Jon is the only one who remains human because he tries so hard to keep his humanity despite everything. While everyone else becomes more monstruos, Basira and Melanie in particularly were much more affected, i had a clear vision of a slaughter Mel. But had to keep it brief since Georgie wouldnt want to dwell on her becoming a monster, since now she had no way to deny it. Daisy gets a pass because while on the coffin she regains her humanity by her regret of what she became, its why her changes are minimal in the text.

The other one shots were supposed to be from Elias and Peter perspective with the last being them reuniting.

Now my original idea had no reasoning as to why they were monsters all out sudden. Its not until i realized the potential of the entities just dropping in a world similar enough where they already existed and they end up overcharging, while still carrying the vestigies of the apocalipse that i went like-

Hoy fuck.

Ultimately i am happy with the one shot the way it came out, with Elias being able to see, he was capable of tying up those little threads i wanted to make and make the reference to having an anchor. Anchors tie you to humanity, people are fundamentaly capable of good if they wish too, kindness even in the face of despair, destroys the horrors of the world.

The world wont fix itself, but you adapt and grown and try to make it better.

Now as for the story itself? I just wanted to go buck wild with the scenery of reality fracturing itself and Elias just losing it while perceiving the horrors and understanding far more than possible.

I like eldritch horror i just dont use it enough, or horror shorts in general, maybe i should put up the small ones i made in tumblr they are like a paragraph long each.

For realsies, I really like the idea of monster Elias for several reasons and i wanted to go with it. I have another different take on this verse of how things pan out too, but i will see eventually if i want to write it. There is... also the horny aspec of Peter being, as the fic implies, a monster fucker, not really he just loves Elias whatever shape he comes even if its some weird owl spider thing. If i ever feel brave enough to go thought it in an extra will shall see.

Anyways Jonah goes through life replacing people while manipulating them and toying with their sanity like he did to the ogElias in his interview. Despite being beholding, as per the soup theory, at this point he also represents the stranger, web and spiral fairly well. I have a soft soft for him losing the ability to recognize himself after a while. Because as i pointed out? He kept sort of a more or less stable life, sure, but it must be jarring having to go from one face to another, to have to pretend to be someone else, at least enough that its not glaringly obvious that something is wrong.

So he loses it. The fears overcharge and it all stacks up on him, causing his transformation to be so strong, it ends up consuming him. Not only that but he is vain too, so to be changed into something so horryifing it breaks something else in him, it gives him the idea that no one could want him now, he cant make people do as he says like this, he doesnt know himself and now no one would want to know him anyways. The more he changes the more he loses his sense of self, its not only him, he was so many people it feels weird to be just him, it doesnt fit anymore, so through the story he starts to use they until its what he mainly uses at the end, because he grows and its happy with it by the very end.

His body changes when he doubts himself, the more time it passes the more he forgets. Now the main reason he didnt become a puddle of ink and die, was because as i mentioned he thought about being alone, and it made him think of Peter, that was his last connection, the last thread to a humanity he wasnt sure he still had. When he thinks that he loves him, even if a little, its enough to let him move.

That small lifeline is what actually saved him and what kept him more or less stable for longer that he would have otherwise. Same goes to Peter whos last action before becoming one with his siblings was pick up the phone, the same though went through him, its why even if he was already at the brink of being melded he kept himself alive for longer.

Then there was the idea of copies.

Because, eyes? just the eyes?? I know it works with supernatural energy but, the doubt, the idea or posibility that Jonah Magnus actually died the moment he transplanted his eyes the first time and that Beholding merely put the copied memories of Jonah that it reatained into the new body was such a good concept, i have a special love for it, to not be sure if you are you, but ultimately chosing to live your life despite knowing that you may not be the real one.

I like to point out at the end that he does, that he is the original and that he is not a copy but... its not really proof, Jonah wants to believe it is. Wether is true or not? Thats up to anyone.

Also his monster concept, i toyed with a few options, and ended up adding it somewhat in the final product, originally he was going to be sort of an owl monster sort of mixed with a cat, no not for the joke, i saw really nice fanart of owlcats and i was in love. But as it is i went with something similar to his body in the afterlife beach party.

Instead of tar it was the ink of the letters he wrote, the static remains because he doesnt know his face anymore and he wont again. The fur... i just wanted something nice for later when Peter made his appearence, less sticky more fluffy. 8 arms like a spider, more eyes because of beholding- you get it.

Speaking of Peter!!

Here is the deal, i know or at least believe that the curruption? Is the oposite of the lonely and viceversa. Wanting to be alone vs being consumed by what you love? Perfect.

So the Lukases become amalgamations of fog trapped in a hive mind that they cant escape from. Forced to be together and then to be alone once someone manages to impose themselves like Nathaniel did. Peter could have theorically left his siblings become him, after Elias saw them, but in this, the closenes they shared was enought that he could not do it. <3<3

I wanted to play with the fact that being stuck with so many people, mainly his sisters while slowly melding into one, made him switch from pronouns feeling comfortable in all of them. Lydia, Judith and Clara were all nice and accidentaly he wanted to feel that nice, so he switches more often to her. It too, because at one point he was litreally nothing since the rest were rather happy being one.

Reality check comes and they all realize that, oh shit we fucked him up. Hence the road trip, unfortunately the melding was inevitable, either they became one or someone took charge. Still it gives them time to bond too, which adds to the decision to let them stay with him despite everything. Peter plays into a similar idea, but from a different perspective, you lose yoursef but become a different person. Luka is all of them being at peace with being one, being happy and wanting the same thing, but still mantaining some way to be apart. If i was being sappy i would liken it to a fusion in Steven Universe.

It wasnt as such at first, but later once Peter is the main body they can do it with less fear of dissapearing. It is also true that his feelings bleed out onto them and likewise to him. Its hard being a single being while simultaniously be 5 people in one.

They do love Elias, except for Clara who is mostly just enjoying the company while judging everyones tastes. It is also true that if this hadnt happened they would never have tried it. But life works oddly. Plus they are happy.

The world cant be fixed, but life sort of goes on and people adjust as they can.

Final note? I really, reeeeally wanted to have JME corpses just drop and have everyone freak out. There was a brief idea of having them alive and react to what they did to the world, but i did not want to deal with that many explanations. So yeah, they are dead.

AGAIN SORRY FOR GOING OFF!!! I NEED TO BE STOPPED.

If you want to ask something in particular go ahead i have the ideas still fresh for this one in my head.

#ask #i go off too much #someone shut me uuuuup

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fullsunhyuckie · 5 years

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we grow up!

*here’s to mark’s graduation from dream! you’ve done well, mark.

slice of life!au

in which a group of strangers go for an adventure of a lifetime.

disclaimer: i know mark graduated yesterday but i wrote this story a long time ago and i feel like there isn’t a better time than now for me to post this. so here goes my tears :,)

day0:

at 19, mark was unsure of his future.

it never crossed mark’s mind that the age, twenty, would come so early but boy was he wrong. it was as if it was only yesterday he just learnt how to chew gum.

mark was intending to go on a road trip for five days right before he officially becomes an adult. but you see, the downside of being a hardworking individual is that you simply have no friends. that’s how mark came up with the idea to invite 6 other teenagers around his age to follow him. he went to the local cafe right opposite his block. it was the place where teenagers often hang out.

there he met 6 other teens who were different yet he could connect with them easily. renjun, an 18 year old aspiring artist who left his hometown to pursue his dreams. he’s small but he can hit a bitch if he needs to. jeno, an 18 year old cheerful soul who will do anything to ensure that everyone is happy. he says he is no fun but he can turn on his funny button if he needs to. haechan, an 18 year old devilish boy who should’ve been born in the 80s. he picks on others but he sure is full of love. jaemin, a loveable 18 year old boy who could flirt for a living. he may seem a little odd with all the flirting but he’s the most loyal friend you can ever come across. chenle, a 17 year old loud loud child who is absolutely talented. he screams a lot but he definitely has a beautiful voice. and lastly, jisung, a 16 year old dancer who is insanely talented. he’s young but he is taller than you. a fact.

“let’s go on a road trip.” and that’s how their journey began.

day1:

mark thought this was a stupid idea. he was the only one who could drive so how was he supposed to fully experience his adventure. whatever it was, he still continued on. it’s not like he could find group of 6 other willing boys.

he borrowed his brother’s, johnny, red suv and drove right off. there was no plan, nothing. just 7 boys in a red suv ready to experience life together. it started off awkward. none of them talked. even haechan, the supposed moodmaker, was silent throughout the whole journey. there was just nothing they could talk about, they didnt know each other at all.

even as they reached the first pitstop, they were silent. probably just constant gag sounds from renjun because he disliked awkward situations. i mean it’s not like mark could do anything, he was driving. while they were having a cup of hot chocolate (weirdly enough, all of them ordered the same thing), mark blurted out a question about why they decided to follow him. they all had the same exact answer (well not exactly but you get it) and that is because they all have a dream,,,,,and then the awkward silence returned.

they all willingly agreed to pitch a tent and have a camp by the sea, the moment they arrived. well, at least it wasnt so awkward when they were asleep.

day2:

the next morning they drove off to have brunch. on the way to the diner, famous for their pancakes, haechan boosted his stereo to michael jackson’s bad and surprisingly all of them enjoyed it. they had more similarities than they thought they would. as they reached the diner, the mood was lighter than ever. it was as if sleeping together made them bond well. again, all of them ordered rather similarly. jaemin suggested they played a prank on the waitress to add a little spice to their morning. jisung decided that they should play a game and the loser has to sing the menu to the waitress.

as expected, renjun lost and he was forced to do the prank. he came up to her and before he could say anything the waitress said, “with voices as loud as you boys, you think i wouldnt know what you’re about to do? save yourself the embarrassment.” with that all of them ran out, leaving a red cheeked renjun standing in the middle of the diner. remember when i said renjun could hit a bitch if he wanted to? well this is what i meant. none of the boys left without a bruise. especially chenle who could not stop laughing.

they decided once again to stop by a park to take in fresh air. mark decided they should get to know one another even better. thats how they ended up playing a game of two truths and one lie. there were stupid lies and horribly dumb truths that came up and one that got mark thinking whether growing up was something he wanted. during haechan’s turn, he explained that his truth was that he was afraid of not having anywhere to go after being an adult. they all left what haechan said aside because truth be told none of them knew for themselves either.

they carried on playing other games and having dinner at the same diner because let’s be real, renjun’s pride comes after a good meal. but throughout the whole time, all of them started getting afraid of the horrors of their adulthood. even for jisung who still has 4 years left till his coming of age.

day3:

now, the third day was the most awful. they felt raw this day. but we’ll get to that. it has only been 2 days but the boys felt as though they had been friends for decades. or rather decade, none of them are twenty as of now.

jaemin and jeno went to the nearby convenience store to get breakfast for the boys. for the whole day they decided to just sit around and talk. and so they did. thats the reason why they felt raw.

mark sat without sharing anything. he was terrified. he was afraid that if anyone knew about it they would mock him and his innocent dream.

renjun began first. he talked about how he thinks that his dream is dumb. it has been 4 years since he came to korea and not once has he gotten an offer to further his art studies. whats the point he thought? anything he drew would never be approved as beautiful enough. and it sucks because when he showed his artwork, mark thought that it was a masterpiece. to him it doesnt matter how beautiful the piece was, it was the story behind it that counts. and that came mark’s first lesson, that nothing in life is ever fair.

jeno went on to talk about how he had no goal. nothing at all. for him, his dream is to live a life with no regrets. thats why he’s not pushing to do anything to stress himself out. he’s just gonna go with the flow. after graduating from his high school barely passing, he feels as though it doesnt matter. jeno believes that he’ll get somewhere one day. after all he’s still a teenager he’s got enough time to think about these things. but for now, he’ll just live in the moment. and that was mark’s second lesson, to live and let loose.

haechan was next. he had a dream to be a singer. and god that boy could sing. but for haechan he felt insecure. no matter how many people came up to him to tell him he was talented, he just cant accept that. that’s probably why he hides it with all the snarky remarks and the over the top compliments for himself. he never felt that he was good enough. but mark feels bad because haechan doesnt deserve to feel that way. haechan was full of love and he couldnt understand why he couldnt give himself any. this made him learn his third lesson, that only you can bring happiness to yourself.

and then there’s jaemin. mark cant help but feel sympathetic for him. jaemin was a dancer, a really good one (from the videos jaemin showed). but the thing is he cant dance anymore. at all. he got into an accident and now he isnt allowed to dance anymore. but the weird thing is that it didnt stop him from being content with life. for he feels that everything happens for a reason. and mark looks up to jaemin because he never fails to put on a smile knowing that his dream of being a dancer is near impossible for him to achieve. that’s how mark learnt to smile even if failure comes.

well for chenle, he had already achieved his dream. well partially. he is currently a trainee singer at a well known agency in korea. as a child, chenle was a music prodigy in china. he went on talent shows and clinched first place in almost every one of them. it was as if chenle’s future had already been written for him to be a singer. but he never used his past to get a boost for an opportunity in the industry. he worked incredibly hard to get into the agency and never once did he take his place for granted. mark learnt from him that its important to stay humble.

and lastly, jisung, the dancing king. mark was amazed by how insanely talented this boy was. it was no wonder he became a famous child dancer, known all over korea. anywhere jisung went people would recognise him and mob him for his autograph or a picture. but as mark sees how jisung acts when he’s with those his age, he realises that jisung is in fact just a kid and he’s just trying to enjoy life as normal teenager. its a pity for jisung because he devoted his whole youth to dancing, and now even when he looks back, his childhood was all just a blur. he complains that if there was one regret he had, it was not living each day to its fullest. that was mark’s last lesson. to seize every moment.

by the end of it all, they were all starting to doze off. and before they knew it , they fell asleep. except mark because he cant help but wonder what will happen to these boys once they part. and in that same moment he thinks, thank god i met these people.

day4:

the next day they woke up in the late afternoon. all of them felt exhausted after spilling almost everything about themselves.

the moment mark woke up he felt awful. there were only two days left till he becomes an adult and that thought scared him to his wits. he began sobbing softly and the boys came running to him. mark explained.

mark was afraid of having a future at all. everytime he tried, he failed. mark wanted to be a rapper. wanted. because there were so many competitions that he attended and he failed. so many people told him that he’ll fail because as a rapper, there’s no future for him.

mark shared that his parents were supportive of him so that wasnt a problem. but you see he didnt want to burden his parents. he knew if he pursued this dream it would take a lot of money and none would be gained back. now mark’s left, all goal-less because he knows if he tried, he’ll fail for sure.

so that’s how mark ended up here in seoul. because he needed a breather. his parents advised that if he doesnt know what to do he should just enter college. thats a sure success because a degree can get you any job you need. but mark was sure it wont bring him happiness because he knows that he doesnt want to go to university, it’s just not him. mark felt empty as though no one understood him, until now of course.

as the 7 dreamers sat under the night sky they thought to themselves. the adults always say you need to plan for your future, you need to know what you want to do. but they never help you. they’d just leave you to figure things out by yourself.

the adults never tell us how hard the process of growing up is. they never prepare us for it. its like going into a battlefield without weapons. no matter how loud you shout or plead for them to aid you. its useless because now they’ll pull out the “it’s your life. it’s your decision” card. but if you fail, its all on you. and if you succeed then suddenly, the family’s the one who paid for the fees and give you moral support and all that jazz.

so that made them awfully afraid because they knew that one day they’ll be doing something and that they’ll get somewhere. but what if they arent happy? what if they’re miserable?

day5:

it was the last day. the 7 of them drove back. the whole drive home was silent. they knew that it’ll be the last time they would see each other. mark will be leaving. he didnt intend to grow so close with the boys but he did and now he hates it. his heart is heavy to leave them but he has to. he understands that people come and go. thats just the cycle. unknown to mark, this is part of growing up. he has to accept that, nothing in life is constant, no matter how hard it is.

as they reached the same coffee house, you could see how all their eyes turned crystal. but their egos are high, so fret not cause they’ll not cry. except renjun and haechan, they cried. hard.

all mark did was put a smile on his face and he said “yo dream. promise me you’ll remember me, alright. we’ll see each other soon.”

and with that he left. and never turned back. because he knew if he did, he wont be able to say goodbye.

day6 (the day mark turned 20) :

now, mark’s 20.

at 20, mark’s still unsure of his future. but he knows that all he wants for now, is to be happy.

-Z

#nct imagine #nct reactions #nct fic #nct fluff #nct angst #nct dream #nct 2018 #7dream #imsosad #imissmarkalready #ithasntevenbeenaday #anywaysenjoymytears

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darkhymns-fic · 5 years

Text

Parallels

As a Chosen, Lloyd will be expected to take on the journey to complete the World Regeneration. Of course he would rather stay in the village with Colette and live his life alongside her.

At the very least, he could give her something to remember him by.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters/Pairings: Lloyd Irving/Colette Brunel, Raine Sage, Genis Sage, Dirk Rating: G Mirror Links: AO3 Notes: This was written for @frayed-symphony for a Secret Santa exchange! This fic was based off her Chosen Lloyd concept which she has drawn fantastic art for (here and here). I’m so glad I was given the opportunity to write something for you and for this idea also! (And over 8000k, I’m sorry haha). You’ve been an awesome friend and this story is just a small way of saying thank you!!

Lloyd

On one of Lloyd’s past birthdays – 14 to be exact – Colette had seemed surprised that he was getting her a present instead.

“But, it’s your birthday! I should be getting you something…” Although she couldn’t take her eyes off the little carving of a doggy figure he was just finishing up. They were far from the Church, far from Colette’s house even, in a part of Iselia’s forests where few others would stumble upon them. At least not yet.

“Hm, I don’t really care about my birthday that much,” he said once, and maybe that had already been too much. But just then, he had just finished his gift, remembering what the dwarf had taught him when the pastors weren’t paying attention. “And it’s more fun making stuff for you!”

He would never forget the way Colette’s eyes lighted up. How happy she seemed to be at one of his first attempts at crafting. But as long as Dirk kept visiting the church, and as long as Colette kept being his friend, he wanted to give her even more.

In the distance, they heard some voices call out to Lloyd. Although not by his name.

“Ah, I’m sorry,” Colette said then. “I hope I don’t get you in trouble.” She held the doggy statue safely in her palms.

Chosen, Chosen One the wind kept repeating. Lloyd shook it away.

He took her hand then, the one free of the statue, and smiled. “Hey, if you want to get me a present, you should take me exploring! I don’t think we’ve done much of it lately.”

Colette had smiled too, gripping the boy’s hand tight. Once they rushed away from the voices, Lloyd had sometimes imagined that they were both running away from those voices forever…

“Chosen! Chosen One!”

Lloyd had been trying to work on the necklace for the past three weeks, but there was always something interrupting him. The knock on his door, along with the insistent calling, was just another one of those.

He instantly put away his tools and the nearly finished necklace in a small tin box. Doing it fast enough while also not scratching up the jewelry proved to be a bit challenging, and he probably just made more noise that way. He could already hear the pastor grumbling outside his door. “J-just a minute!” he called out, going to a nearby cabinet.

“Chosen, this is the fourth time this week you have been late for your lessons. Punctuality is highly important-”

“Yeah, yeah, no problem!” Lloyd was trying to fasten up his outfit. It always felt so stiff and hard to move around in, but just getting away with the shirt and pants he slept in never cut it. (He tried). Once everything was set, he finally opened the door, totally not looking like he had been up half the night working on his project. “Okay, I’m set!”

Even after a lifetime of being at the Church, he never knew how to talk to the pastors, always so proper and formal in their speech. The old man looked at Lloyd with a certain air of disapproval – just a little bit, for he was still to be the savior of their world after all. He inclined his head slightly to Lloyd, maybe too much. Lloyd thought the big hat he wore would fall off from the action, and even shifted a little to catch it if it did.

“You’ve been doing so well lately in your memorization of the scriptures, Chosen. It would be beneficial of you to simply focus on that than on other, less vital pursuits.”

…Crap, did the old man already find out what he’d been doing? Lloyd shifted nervously on his feet, which probably didn’t help his image. “I just overslept a little! Sleeping is pretty important!”

The pastor didn’t argue, because it was frowned upon to argue with the Chosen. A little loophole that Lloyd had found out about when he was little, and may have used it to his advantage numerous times.

Well, until his dad got involved.

Lloyd pushed that thought aside and was more or less nudging the pastor away from his room’s door to get going. “Anyway, uh, let’s go! Got a lot of books to get through!” And man, was there a lot of books. He could read fast and well with all the years of book-reading he was forced to do. Not like he enjoyed it, but what else could he do?

“My, I must apologize then, Chosen. It is good to see you eager for a lesson!”

Lloyd put on a big smile until the pastor turned away to head for the stairs. Once unseen, he was back to frowning. The old man really was old and had not noticed Lloyd had long stopped following him. The Chosen watched him descend the steps, then leaned back against the wall, sighing so deeply it pulled at his chest.

Was there really a point in having more lessons?

As a Chosen, there wasn’t much Lloyd was allowed to do, and there weren’t many places he was allowed to go either. He was salvation itself, so he needed to be safe, and to stay safe, he needed to remain within the Church at nearly all times until he went to school. Going to school had always been something he’d look forward.

But as time passed, it was getting harder to enjoy much of anything.

Anything except the necklace, which he had been working on day and night – whenever the priests weren’t paying attention. At the very least, he could leave something behind for her, hoping that was enough.

And… if he had to choose, he would rather go through all this than anyone else… He imagined briefly of another dealing with the role of Chosen and it only made the ache inside him worse.

It was better this way.

Down the stairs’ corridor, he could hear the confused mutterings of the priest. He rolled his eyes and quickly followed after. Just something he would have to go through. Again.

…Still, these lessons dealt with way, way too many books.

Living at the Church did have some benefits though.

For one, it was right by the beach, which Lloyd had definitely snuck off to on more than one occasion. Colette had worried if it was okay for him to go, and Genis had worried he would trip against one of the rocks and crack his head open, thus ruining Sylvarant’s one chance at salvation. But that had only nearly happened one time! Making highly detailed sand castles with Colette, and burying a napping Genis in the sand, were things he didn’t ever want to trade away for just being safely cooped up in his room.

Another was that he got to see Dirk a whole lot.

Just after another mind-numbing book lesson, he made his way down to the atrium, the place more wide, the walls helping reverberate the sounds of his footsteps. He was glad to see the dwarf there, already setting up another work sculpture of Martel. Or maybe it was Mithos? Lloyd still had trouble telling the difference sometimes. He really, really tried to keep that fact hidden from his instructors. It had worked so far!

The dwarf turned to him, his bushy beard hiding half of his face, but not his grin. Hands were on both of his hips, eyes angled up at the boy that was slightly taller than him.

“Ah, Lloyd! Ya look ready to fall asleep on yer feet!”

“Ehehe… I’m fine! Really!” A tiny stumble against one of the pews but Lloyd more or less righted himself up. The dwarf merely shook his head.

“Well! I was just finished with my work. Need anything?”

Sometimes Lloyd wondered what made the dwarf come back here so much. He had been here ever since Lloyd was little, seen much more of him than of… Anyway, he was always traveling around so much, working on crafting commissions, sometimes even bringing back a souvenir he had bought on the road. Lloyd still had some of them; one of the famous Palma Potions from Palmacosta, some pottery from Triet, and even a cool-looking wooden figure of a swordsman! Dirk hadn’t specified where he got that last one, making Lloyd think he had made it himself.

He had thought about asking him many times before. But the years kept passing, and the day for when he would leave was only getting closer. He figured there was really no point in asking now.

Instead, he reached into his pocket, pulling out the necklace he had poured everything into. He held it up for Dirk. “You think this looks any good?”

The dwarf placed a hand on his chin, mock-deep in thought. “Hm, I don’t think that color works on ya.”

“Not for me!”

Dirk laughed loudly, his voice bouncing across the walls of the Church. After so much stress on being quiet within these walls, the dwarf’s laugh was welcome. He held out his hand. “Here, let me see.”

Excited to show off his work, but also worried on being judged, Lloyd gave it to him quickly. “I, uh… kinda had to rush through it this morning. But I think I got the size right this time! And, I didn’t waste the metal like you said and-”

“Hold on a bit, Lloyd.”

“Right, sorry.”

Dirk was holding up the necklace by its chain. The sunlight from the stained windows glinted off its pendant, a deep red jewel embedded in its center. After a brief look, the dwarf was grinning. “Really outdone yourself for this one.” He gathered it back carefully in his palm. “The chain work is strong, and the pendant is much more even this time. Not completely! Still need some work on that.” He handed it back to Lloyd. “She’ll be very happy with it.”

With Dirk’s praise, Lloyd felt something lift off his shoulders. The weight of everything else was still there… but this one thing, it gave him some lightness.

He held the necklace in both his hands before putting it away. “Thanks!”

“Yer welcome, lad. But.. I gather you still have more on your mind?”

Man, was he this easy to read with everyone now? Lloyd shook his head. “Nah, not really. Just bored with the same things, like always.”

“But your training should be giving ya some excitement.” Dirk crossed his arms, finally resting his legs by seating on a nearby stool. “And ya still got that sword I gave ya? The one the priests said was lost?”

Lloyd scratched at his cheek, grinning. “Hey, I did lose it! But then I found it again. Who knew it was under my bed this whole time?”

Dirk grinned back, laughing into his beard. “A shame it was not before they asked me to make you another one to continue with your training. But I suppose it’s good that you have a spare.”

Lloyd nodded at that. “Yep! And, well, can’t leave your other sword to waste. So it’s only better to use both, right?”

Both Dirk’s and Lloyd’s plan for him to use dual blades should have been so see-through, but once Lloyd started training with his double weapons, the priests couldn’t find much to argue with. The Chosen had to know how to defend himself, after all. And… his logic did make some sort of sense to them. Wouldn’t two weapons be better than one?

The dwarf shook his head. “Mighty clever thinking there! I’m sure that will help on your journey.”

The mention of the journey put a dark cloud in Lloyd’s head suddenly. Right. In the end, that was the point of the swords anyway. To protect himself until…

“Also!” Dirk’s voice broke through, and he watched as the dwarf reached around him towards a satchel, bringing it towards the front. “Got my latest commission done! And no worries. The Church will take care of the bill when they see it later.” He handed the folded clothes to Lloyd.

His eyes widened in glee at the design. “You already made it! Nice!”

“Fitting for a master swordsman and a Chosen, right?” Dirk seemed pleased as well. “At the very least, these would help you move around better, and has a place for your swords.”

Lloyd would have gone to hug the dwarf if he could – or if that wasn’t a bit weird. “I’m definitely wearing these from now on!”

Even as Dirk looked very pleased, he stared at Lloyd with another expression, one that Lloyd couldn’t place. “You’ve been doing a lot lately, lad. I hope you remember to rest in between all your work.”

In all fairness, this was a first that he ever heard come from an adult. Usually there was always something do, another thing to learn… “Ah, I’m okay enough. Besides, I’m taking your advice on things!”

“Oh, that so?”

“Yep!” Lloyd nodded. He had his new clothes underneath one arm, standing proudly. “Dwarven vow #4! Don’t depend on others. Walk on your own two legs.” He then grinned, glad he could remember that right! He only knew a few of the vows Dirk had mentioned to him, but some like those stood out. “I’m taking that as my mortal from now on!”

Dirk raised a bushy eyebrow. “Think you mean motto there, lad.”

“…Huh. That does make a lot more sense.”

“I thought ya read a lot.”

“I did! I do! Just, after a while of non-stop reading, all the words start to look the same…”

Still, the dwarf smiled. “Anyway… I’m glad you think my old sayings are of any interest. However, here’s another for ya. Dwarven vow #7! Justice and love will always win!”

“…That doesn’t sound as cool at all!”

It was easy to talk with Dirk, easier than most other adults. His dad sometimes just… well…

He saw the light in the sky in a nearby stained-glass window and flinched a little. “Oh, shoot. I gotta go. I’ll wear these though!” He held up the clothes then made his way back to his room, waving back at the dwarf. “I’ll see ya later!”

“Don’t trip over the stairs again!” Dirk called out, his bellowing voice finding every nook and crevice in the room. The pastors would have hated such a sound, but Lloyd was ecstatic. At least for now.

“…Is that a new outfit?”

Lloyd had been waiting forever for someone to comment on it, and Genis was never one to disappoint. He put his hands on his hips, knowing the euphoria he felt would be brief but trying to take as much as he could. “Yeah! Special tailor-cut for me!”

Genis looked to his Chosen best friend with a curious air. And maybe some suspicion. “Huh. Suits you better. Even those weird suspenders you have seem to work.”

“What do you mean weird?” Lloyd asked with a small frown.

“Nothing! I said they worked. I don’t get those white strips on your collar but… they also work, too.” Genis stared at Lloyd with more thought. “Yeah, this literally wouldn’t look good on anyone else.”

“Remind me to never come to you for compliments.”

Even as the younger boy laughed, Lloyd was grateful for Genis’ honesty. It was hard finding that in most people around him when they spoke with him. It was harder finding that in himself. He pulled at the, high collar in his new outfit, hoping someone else he knew would like it too. Or at least like it enough.

“You haven’t been to school in a while,” Genis hedged. Lloyd had just come back to Iselia as he walked from the Church, both of them meeting right by the schoolhouse. The day was already late, classes long over. Easier this way. Less people to speak with, less incredibly boring phrases to recite. “Chosen duties getting too much for you?”

It was meant as a joke. Lloyd didn’t really have it in him to laugh along to it though. He pulled at his collar, feeling an anxiousness to him that he had been stemming down for so long, but was slowly beginning to rise the past few months. “Just things. It’s nothing really.”

When Lloyd was quiet like, his friends always noticed. Genis raised his head, noting the tone. “Sorry. That was stupid to say.”

“It’s fine. Really!” He grinned, glad that the collar of his new outfit could hide away some of the strain there. “There’s been a lot of things lately anyway. I only had time now to even leave.”

Genis stared a little, but gave Lloyd some relief when his young eyes lost some intensity. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell them you snuck out again.”

“Heh… thanks.”

“Anyway, I know you’re not here to see me.” It was then Genis grinned, much brighter than Lloyd’s, much more hopeful than Lloyd could ever imagine to be. “Colette’s been talking about you all day. I don’t know how or when you got Noishe to deliver her a letter, but she was real happy about it.”

Noishe was his father’s dog first and foremost, but the creature always did him favors. And with Kratos having been gone for so long lately, it just made it easier.

“Shut up,” Lloyd muttered jokingly, and Genis only laughed again, the awkwardness about his duty of being a Chosen momentarily forgotten.

He wished it could be forgotten completely.

When he was younger, Lloyd had always wanted to travel the world, to see what it had to offer. When he was younger, the Church told him that he would someday, and he had looked forward to it, excitement lighting up his mind.

But on his eighth birthday, all that excitement went away.

Lloyd sat on the outskirts of Iselia, the grass around him still a bright green, the sky darkening as the sun began to set. He had been there early – a first for him. But for Colette, he would go the extra mile.

He heard her trip over the ground before he even saw her.

“Ah, s-sorry! I messed up.” He turned, finding Colette brushing away the grass stains from her dress, just a few feet away. Her blonde hair was a bit frazzled from her fall, but she still smiled.

Gloomy thoughts instantly went away at the sight of her.

“You’re such a dork. You didn’t need to rush here, you know.” Still, he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she sat next to him. She was always so cheerful and bright, and it made the world a little less scary to Lloyd when she was near him.

But it also made him feel bitter over the things he would miss as well.

“I know! Just, um..” Colette fiddled with her hands. “It’s been really boring the last few weeks without you. I was so happy seeing Noishe show up to my house! Though I think my grandmother’s sneezes might have scared him a little, sorry.”

“Oh. Oh right! I forgot she’s allergic..” Gah, why did he have to be stupid about these things? That explained why Noishe was all frantic when he came back. Even the sound of a twig snapping put the dog in a panic. “I guess I should have sent a person instead…”

“No, no! I was really glad to get it from Noishe… I missed petting him, hehe.” She pulled in her knees, looking at Lloyd with such curious eyes. “You said you got a new outfit from Dirk! It looks so cool on you!”

“Heh, yeah, it does make me cool, doesn’t it?” He smiled, sitting up straight. “It’s even got the Church of Martel symbol on it, see?” He pointed at his vest. Dirk had suggested it as one way to curb away any disdain from his pastors. With this symbol, it was still Chosen-appointed clothes. And with Dirk’s many, many work contributions to the Church, the pastors couldn’t deny him either. “It’s way better than the robe things they always make me wear.”

Colette nodded. “Yeah! You even have these cute ribbons.” She played with one now, always reaching out to Lloyd with little reserve, and Lloyd always glad she did. He was not someone far off or otherworldly like so many other people would view him as. “Are they meant to do anything?”

Lloyd thought about this. “Um… to make me look cool!” Just saying that made him laugh, and made Colette laugh too. It had been weeks since he felt this relaxed, and happy. It would be weeks that he would not feel this again.

He thought the time away would make him forget, but it only brought everything out in full force.

Lloyd was already handing her the necklace before he thought too hard about it.

Colette stared. “Lloyd?”

“I… I’ve been working on this for a little bit. Just to keep busy.” Just to make the days bearable. “Probably not as good as Dirk does it… but he can’t really teach me stuff for very long because of..”

Colette carefully took the necklace in both hands, eyes shining. “It’s so pretty! You… you always make such beautiful things, Lloyd.”

There was always something in her voice that stopped him, that made him wonder… While Genis and Raine always called him by his name, the way Colette does so was always different. It always pulled at him in a way that was sweet and painful. It had gotten too painful lately. Raine had already let him know today… only a month left before he would need to go.

“Is this really for me?” she asked, surprising Lloyd out of his thoughts.

“Yeah! This can replace the that other one I made for you a few years ago. That was all uneven anyway.”

“Oh, I still have that too… and the doggy figure! It’s still on my bookshelf!”

As Lloyd was momentarily stunned at that information, Colette circled the chain around her neck, the red jewel glinting in the waning sunlight. “I know you have so much to do lately. But I’m so happy!”

Some of that happiness got to him too. He wished he could keep it. “Heh. I wanted to give it you before I-“ He stopped.

“Before you what?”

He had nearly told her then. Lloyd had been trying so hard to keep quiet about things, about what will happen, about what he would have to face. But Colette was looking at him, and suddenly he was ready to tell her everything.

That wouldn’t have been fair though. At least one of them should be happy?

“Before I go on my journey, I mean.” His voice was quieter, which was hard to change. “I’ll probably be gone a while, so I wanted to give that to you first.”

At that, Colette was quiet too. Again, something that made him wonder. She looked ready to ask him a question. He anticipated it, unsure if he could keep lying.

Then she smiled. “I’ll miss you so much.” She kept holding the necklace in her palm, the sun making her hair shine. “I’m glad you wanted to come out here with me today.”

Lloyd wanted to hug her, and he did. That was one thing he would let himself do. He brought her close to his chest with a strong grip, and Colette held him back, her hands holding tight onto his new outfit. He didn’t care if it was wrinkled or whatever.

“Of course I wanted to,” he said softly. Then he pulled back, a smile on his face. “And once I regenerate the world, I’ll come right back again, okay? So don’t worry about anything!”

Colette kept one hand on Lloyd’s arm, while the other clasped the necklace again, pendant going between her fingers. At least, she would have something of him left.

“You don’t have to go back so soon, do you?” she then asked. The sun was nearly past the horizon, and the stars blinked up from their places in the sky. “Maybe, you can tell me what you’ve been doing? Not much happened in the village though.. so I’m sorry if I’m a little boring.”

Lloyd laughed. “Colette, I usually just stay inside and read old books all day. Believe me, nothing is more boring than that. And definitely not you! So no more apologizing, okay?”

If a pastor heard this – if his dad heard this – he’d have been in trouble. The most would have been a stern lecture, but he had heard nothing but lectures for weeks. Colette’s happy voice was such a difference for everything.

He could enjoy things for one day.

Colette was smiling again, looking beautiful as she always did. “Okay!”

So they both sat back, and they talked. Once the sun had long set, they were still seated by each other. Through all that time, Colette had not let go of the necklace. He wanted to keep that image of her for as long as he could.

Colette

“Colette… are you sure this is even the right way?”

Having never been out of Iselia her entire life, Colette didn’t know much about the world or which road led to where – especially to Triet. She sighed within the desert heat. The clothes she wore were different from her usual outfit for school, made of thicker material, with hidden compartments to sheathe away her chakrams. But it was doing her no favors in this sandy place where the sun beat down relentlessly.

“I… I’m not sure. Not anymore, I guess. I’m sorry, Genis.”

Genis sighed too, but out of exasperation. “You really don’t need to apologize… We probably should have brought a map before we left.”

“But, that nice caravan family pointed us to here! I don’t think they would lie to us..”

Genis shrugged. “I know. I’m just saying maybe we shouldn’t have rushed.”

There were a million things Colette could have argued on why they had to rush, but, she kept them to herself. She pulled at her shirt which was getting sticky with sweat, and she checked to see that her chakrams were indeed still on her.

Lloyd had left Iselia the other day. It had been so sudden, before she had time to prepare. Even Raine had not given her any indication that they would leave so soon. Or maybe that was the reason she hadn’t said anything…

“But it is weird, isn’t it?” Genis said aloud, following Colette still. “Lloyd and sis just leaving in the night like that.”

Colette wanted to say what she knew, but Lloyd had kept it a secret for a reason. She didn’t feel comfortable revealing it. Not yet at least. “Yeah,” she simply agreed. “They must have had to go right away.”

“…And Lloyd said you were supposed to go?”

“Uh huh!” She nodded, then giggled. A little difficult with how hot it was, but she managed. “I already told you that, Genis!”

“Yeah… I know.” His tone was low, unconvinced, or really, it could have just been the heat. “Well, sis was obviously supposed to bring me along too. Her and Lloyd really don’t pay attention to things sometimes.”

Colette inwardly sighed, feeling relieved. That was why Genis overlooked her obvious lie – he had one of his own. The people most important to them have left them alone, so there was no choice but to follow. Even if they were probably lost, and very, very dehydrated.

But I have to keep going, she thought to herself. As she plodded through the sands, she felt a familiar weight hitting her chest. She had not taken off the necklace ever since Lloyd first gave her a month ago. Then before his birthday had even come, the Church said he had already gone on his journey.

Colette fervently wanted to be with him, and with barely a word to her family, she had gone, leaving them a letter instead. She hoped her father and grandmother could forgive her.

“Oh! Is that it?” Genis was saying, and though still dizzy with heat, Colette was able to understand what he meant. Because just ahead was a walled city, standing so far apart from the sandy dunes. There were the figures of people walking by its entrance, and before she knew it, Colette was hurrying towards it. Any worries about maybe being a mirage from the desert did not cross her mind.

She heard Genis shouting after her, also giving chase, but she had to find Lloyd. Each day before he left, she had thought about telling him so many things. She knew she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if he had gone and then finished his journey. Once she entered Triet, the amount of market stalls were new to her! People in turbans shifted past her, not minding this pale girl with the light-colored hair. She started to walk off in a random direction, hoping to ask someone if they had seen… the Chosen around. She would have to call him that if they were-

“Lloyd!” she shouted, finding him at the edge of her vision. She hadn’t expected him so soon, seeing the boy to the far side of the plaza, trying to usher in a whining Noishe in one of the stables. He was already looking exhausted doing so. He still had on his new outfit, but now wore belts that held his weapons. She knew of them – it was why she had started using two of her own!

Colette grew excited, waving her arms to him. It took a moment before she saw Lloyd peer through the distance, and then his eyes widened. She started to go to him.

“Lloyd, I-!” And then she had tripped. She tripped so frantically that she had completely turned around, trying her best to avoid surprised passerby. Unfortunately, the only way to avoid them was to go straight into a wall.

She heard Lloyd shout her name back once she finally fell.

“You know… you need to be more careful.”

Colette nodded silently as Lloyd pressed a small bandage on her forehead. It was only a minor scrape, that was what she usually got out of her falls. Although the stall she had fallen into had not been so lucky.

Once Colette had gotten out of the rubble, Lloyd had been rushing to her, eyes wide with surprise. The owner of the stall had been furious, seeing a Colette-shaped wall in his property… until Lloyd tried to calm the man down. There had been murmurs and stutters of the boy being the Chosen.

“Uh, yeah? That’s me,” Lloyd said, still trying to placate the man. “Anyway, she didn’t mean it! Colette just-”

“But why would such a hole be important to the Chosen?” the owner had continued. That had given Lloyd pause, slow in understanding, but then recovering quickly enough to avoid any further trouble.

“Because… it’s an important Church.. landmark?” Lloyd had winced at his own explanation, but no one seemed to notice besides Colette. “Yeah! To mark my pilgrimage… and junk. I, uh, I bless this thing!” He patted against the mark perfectly shaped like Colette’s falling body – the imprint of her arms raised high to try and avoid the inevitable. “It’s really important! It was made by my companion on the journey! So don’t be mad at her or… risk the wrath of Martel! Wait, is that right…?”

Yet even with Lloyd’s shaky explanations, that had been enough to send the crowd surrounding them into gasps of wonder. Soon people were touching the hole in the wall, now blessed by the Chosen, and that was when Lloyd took Colette’s hand and got them out of there fast.

She had seen Genis with a frowning Raine earlier, and wondered dimly if she had only gotten both herself and her friend in trouble. “I’m sorry,” she said, still seated on the chair.

“What? No, it’s fine! Someone would have tripped there sooner or later!” Lloyd had taken her into his room at the inn, worried about any injuries she may have had. “It’s not too bad. Just I guess the Professor should see later and then we can get someone to take you home-”

She knew he had been about to suggest that, and took his hands, gripping them tight. “I’m staying with you, Lloyd.”

She had expected a lot of reactions from Lloyd. Surprised at her determination, confused at why she would do so, and maybe even happy that she would go to him. But she didn’t expect the silence that followed suddenly. He didn’t grip her hands back.

Colette floundered for a moment, then instinctively reached for the necklace he gave her. It was hidden underneath her shirt, but she pulled it out, both to be reassured as well as to show him. “I want to help protect my friend on his journey… I’ve wanted to for a long time! My friend who makes wonderful things like this, and who’s always been kind to me. If I can just repay it back-”

“Colette, I didn’t ask you to come with me.”

She stopped, surprised by the sharpness in his voice. Lloyd blinked, then looked to the side.

“Lloyd, um…”

“I would have told you if I wanted-“ He bit his lip, then sighed. “This journey is supposed to be dangerous.”

Colette also looked away. “I know. That’s why I had to come.” A pause. “You’re mad at me.”

Lloyd dug a hand through his hair. “I’m… Just a little.” He sighed. “I didn’t want you to go through this too.”

Colette tried to search for a correct response. The best she could come up with, “Now you don’t have to be alone with it.”

“I have the Professor with me! Why do you-”

She gripped his hands tight, tight enough for the both of them. “I want to stay by your side, Lloyd! As.. my friend. And… I can help you. I won’t be a burden, I promise.”

“I didn’t… I didn’t say you would be.” She felt him finally hold her hands, at least slightly. “But it would be dangerous, I told you. You don’t even have an Exsphere or anything like it to-”

“I do!” Colette said suddenly. She calmed after. “I mean, I do. Look, it’s…” She rolled up the sleeve covering her right arm, showing a small key crest just on her forearm. It glinted blue, inlaid with polished metal. “I’ve been using this so I can fight off the monsters better.”

Lloyd looked at her Exsphere with complete surprise. “When did you get that?” Exspheres were not common to come by – it was mainly used by Desians or mercenaries.

“I… Dirk made me one. I saw him a while back and asked him if he could make me something. I told him I wanted to help you and he seemed really happy to do it.”

“…So.. he just had Exspheres lying around? He never told me!”

Colette blinked. “Oh. He said he’d been carrying one around for a long time.. It was the only one he had. I didn’t… ask him for an Exsphere exactly. Just if he had something that could help me.”

Lloyd continued to look surprised, confused, and a little betrayed. “But where would he just find one?” he asked, mainly to himself.

Colette wasn’t thinking about that now. She rolled down her sleeve, looking to Lloyd sternly. “I want to stay. And I know I can help you. So… please don’t turn me away.”

She saw him continue to struggle with his decision. His hands still held hers, a thumb rubbing across her palm. That somber look that she had seen Lloyd have lately – it was there again. There was once a time she didn’t know what would cause such a look in him.

He sighed again, but then small laughter left his throat. “Geez, Colette, you’re more stubborn than me.” He raised his head to her with a smile, even though it looked a bit sad still. She held his hands tighter in comfort.

“So, does that mean I can stay?”

“You’d just come back, I bet. You and Genis. I definitely didn’t expect him though!” He grinned wide then. “Missed his bestest friend, huh?”

Colette giggled, loving that grin of his. It was so rare now. “Well, he did say he missed Professor Sage…”

“Hey! What about me though?”

“It’s okay! I’ll miss you enough for the both of us!”

She wondered then, if that was a poor choice of words but Lloyd was still smiling. He even laughed.

“Heh, actually, um… does that mean Genis will be cooking for us now? The Professor keeps… wanting to do that lately.” Lloyd shuddered. “I could barely get through the first week.”

Oh no. Colette remembered the times their teacher had made the school lunch a few times. She giggled at Lloyd’s look. “I’m so sorry, Lloyd. I really am!” But she couldn’t stop laughing.

He smiled at that, even as he mocked sighed. “Are you making fun of me? Imagine the Chosen failing the journey because of indigestion. That’s embarrassing!”

It only made her giggle more, and soon Lloyd was laughing with her again.

Colette hoped she could keep him laughing throughout this journey.

Before Colette had left Iselia, she had decided to not mention what she knew to Lloyd. Even as she went over the knowledge in her head, searching for other ways, she knew it was not her place to say. But she could never fight off the feeling of wanting to be with him still. Once they had fought the guardian in the Fire Seal, she believed she could be useful while also being selfish.

A Chosen needed protectors, and she could even feel Raine’s gratefulness in having an extra pair of hands helping keep Lloyd from danger. He did run into monsters an awful lot…

Then Lloyd had nearly collapsed on the sands. She had never seen him so pale.

“Lloyd!” She caught him around the shoulders, and then he had just… kept slipping through her arms, making her hold on tighter. “Lloyd! Lloyd, wake up!”

“Wh…what?” He blinked dazedly at worried faces, leaning into Colette’s hold. “I was just… taking a nap.”

Genis’ expression went from worried to annoyed. “Are you serious?”

“Lloyd, how long have you been feeling faint?” Raine walked up to him, gripping her staff tight. “We may need to take you to a doctor.”

“I.. I’m fine! It’s fine!” Lloyd stood up again, gently moving away from Colette’s arms. “It’s just…the trial… I guess?”

Colette noted how quiet his voice had gotten then.

Raine was considering. “If that’s so… then we should at least make camp and let you rest. There’s an oasis not too far ahead. Genis, get started on dinner when we get there. Colette, please keep an eye on him.”

Lloyd stared at his Professor with some irritation. “I told you I’m fine. I’m not gonna run off!” Still, his voice was low.

But Colette knew there was something wrong.

After settling for the night, Lloyd had wanted to walk, and Colette hoped her presence wasn’t annoying him. But he seemed happy to have her near. They sat on the cool sands, the stars as outstretched as ever in the desert. Maybe they could find the same constellations here, too?

“Hey! Wanna see them again?” he asked her with a grin.

Colette’s smile must have been obvious, because Lloyd already summoned his wings. Great things that unfurled from his back in a great shift of azure light. Just like they had back in the Fire Seal. They framed him in a beautiful way that she wished she could say aloud without making it sound weird.

“That’s so cool!” she said, clasping her hands.

“Heh, yeah. Although…it’s kinda hard to get used to these.”

Colette tilted her head at him. “Your wings?”

He shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, they really do look cool! But… they’re kinda big, aren’t they?”

The night made his wings appear that much brighter. They were so much like a bird’s wings, nearly as large as Lloyd was tall. Colette was seated on his right side, and his right wing was curled around them both. She had been tempted to reach out to them, wondering if that glow would make sensations across her skin.

He shrugged. “I guess this is just what it means to be an angel or something.”

Colette pressed her lips together, not saying anything at first. She still remembered when Lloyd had paled, falling to his knees, and not responding to her at all…

“Well, you’re still you, Lloyd. Just with wings!” Maybe there were better ways to say it, but she had never been as good with talking as he was. “And…” She risked something here, but she continued. “Even if you’re an angel, you don’t have to like your wings.”

Lloyd turned to her more fully. She could even feel the wind shift behind her, his wings flinching from his motion. “What?”

“I mean…” She tried again. “You don’t have to like them. Because… it doesn’t seem like you do.” Nervously, she reached up to her necklace, its weight comforting. “I think it’s okay to feel that. Or if you find them scary. I think I would, too.” Especially after a fall like that.

Lloyd kept staring at her. Soon, his wings dissipated into nothing, leaving only floating feathers of azure that also evaporated into the air.

His gaze shifted back to the sands. “It probably seems dumb… I’m a Chosen and I can’t stand the sight of my wings, heh.” His voice was hollow.

She dared once more. “Then… why did you want to show them to me?”

Lloyd took a moment. “Because I have to get used to it. Also… it’s easier with you, you know?”

She let go of her necklace to take his hand. Though she couldn’t see the Cruxis Crystal he wore, hidden away by the high collar of his jacket, she could feel it there. Maybe Lloyd had wanted to hide it from himself too.

“It’s okay, Lloyd.”

“Hm..” he said, unable to say anything more. But she felt him grip her hand back.

Sometimes silence was all that was needed. They stayed that way for a while before going back to camp.

Colette was not always so clever, or smart, or so self-assured. She second guessed herself on so many things, that even when she met a young Lloyd back then, it was his bright smile that got her to talk to him. She hadn’t even noticed at first that few others had talked to him either, that she had been one of the first friends he ever had.

But she never doubted she was Lloyd’s friend. And she never doubted that he meant so, so much to her.

When he fell earlier today, the doubt about telling him what she knew was beginning to fade away.

“Lloyd? Why are you up?”

He was looking up at the sky, standing on a small rise. He always liked connecting the stars – and showing her how to do it as well. There was only him and her awake now, while Raine and Genis rested by the campfire. Even Noishe was sleeping peacefully, with barely a whine leaving his throat.

He turned as she went to him. “Oh, it’s my turn to watch for the night, remember?” He smiled. “You should be sleeping though! It’s pretty late.”

The journey had been long and difficult, but it was what the Chosen had to endure – at least what Colette knew about it. Lloyd rarely talked about such things at all. Sometimes… the only way one could even tell he was a Chosen was at the seals, waiting for the angels to bless him. It was only then when he would look so different, but also so sad.

And each time, she could tell it was hard for Lloyd to hide that sadness.

“Lloyd… you collapsed today. Again. The Professor said you didn’t need to do that now. I was supposed to take over…”

He blinked, then turned away. “It’s okay. I feel a lot better now.”

She hesitated. Sometimes he did this, trying to shut himself away. Sometimes, she would let him, but not tonight. She couldn’t. “Lloyd, your hand. Is it feeling better?”

“Huh? Yeah.. yeah, it’s fine!”

She reached for it before she could think to ask him. Because she had a feeling he would say no.

After the Wind Seal, Lloyd had been fainting faster, too. Enough that she couldn’t catch him this time.

The scrape was deep in his palm, still bleeding a little. Looking at it made her own hand ache. “You didn’t get this checked by the Professor.”

He took his hand away from her quickly. “It’s fine.”

She shook her head. “It’s… it’s not, Lloyd. And you know that, don’t you?”

He didn’t say anything.

Colette reached for her necklace, the gift he had given her just a few weeks before he left. Its weight was a comfort that she held onto at night, and even during their fights against monsters, bandits and Desians, it had stayed strong. It was made by Lloyd who was strong himself, she knew. But even a strong person couldn’t be…

“You’re not eating much… and you haven’t been sleeping either.” Colette would sometimes wake and still find him staring up at the stars, all by himself. “Things aren’t okay.”

She felt cruel saying these things, but Lloyd could never lie so easy, not as well as he thought he could. And right now, no good lies were coming to him. He only looked away, eyes dark and his expression somber.

“Why are you…?” he started, but couldn’t finish. Still, Colette needed to tell him more.

“Lloyd, I… know about what happens.. on the journey.”

He turned back to her then. For a moment, she couldn’t read his eyes at all. She had to fill the silence.

“This necklace you gave me. It’s more than just a present… it was supposed to be a memento, wasn’t it? But, I don’t want it to be that. I really don’t.”

“You’re… not supposed to-” Lloyd stopped, realizing his mistake. “I mean, that’s not what…”

She moved closer to him, reaching for his hands again. She tried not to squeeze it tightly, even though she knew now he would not be able to feel a thing. “I… my grandmother knows a lot about the Church of Martel. She used to be a priestess actually. She never told me exactly, but her stories about other Chosen.. and the way you’ve been acting lately..”

Lloyd still wasn’t looking at her. Afraid she was just making things worse, she started to release him again. “I want to be by your side. I don’t want you to go away. I don’t know how to stop that but... I had to at least be here.”

Just as she let go, Lloyd went to embrace her. Like he had on the day he gave her the necklace, except so suddenly.

“Colette, I’m… I’m not doing okay. I’m not… They didn’t tell me this would happen.” He held her tighter. “Dad didn’t tell me anything at all.”

She held him back. “I’m sorry.”

He shook. When he spoke, his voice was a little harsh, but she knew it wasn’t aimed at her. “Why are you apologizing? It’s not… it’s never been your fault! I just can’t.. handle this. I can’t handle anything.”

Colette pulled away so she could see him. With the way he spoke, she expected tears. But none fell from his eyes. So he couldn’t… “I’ll help you find another way. There has to be one. Because I don’t want you to go.” It sounded so childish, the way she said it. Still. “I don’t want you to go.”

Lloyd looked so sad and lost that she wished she could comfort him better. Lloyd pulled her back in his arms, pressing his forehead to hers. “I don’t want to also. I just want to stay.”

Maybe it was the sadness there that made her want to kiss him. She wished she’d have done it sooner. She had been tempted to on the day he gave her the necklace, but held herself back. She was afraid doing it now would be cruel if he couldn’t feel it. But once her lips pressed against his, he kissed her back, fingers digging into her shoulders, desperation in his grip.

It had been fierce and deep. Lloyd pulled back with a little nervousness. “Um… I meant…”

Colette leaned in to take his lips again. Softer this time, finding ways to make him feel, at least perhaps a little. And maybe he could, in some way. Because he still held her so tightly, still tried to press against her mouth as much as he could.

I just want to stay, he had told her. Colette would find a way to make that happen.

#colloyd #tales of symphonia #lloyd irving #colette brunel #fanfiction #frayed-symphony #i really love this concept so much and wanted to give something for it #merry christmas for a great friend!

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ace-and-aro-support-group · 5 years

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Story time

Hey lovelies!

I tried posting a video about this 4 times today but it never worked.

Basically I had some drunk or really tipsy dude hardcore flirt with me. Like so obvious, even I caught onto it immediately. Luckily I was safe, since I was in my apartment parking lot (which is small and right by the road), my neighbors were home, and there were security camera people installing cameras around the corner. And I was fortunate where this guy was honestly pretty respectful for the most part. I was uncomfortable but didn’t necessarily feel threatened because I towered over this guy and was probably much more capable of rational thought and strategizing than he was at the moment.

I was getting groceries out of my car to make the “one trip journey”, and this included holding four gallons of milk on one arm. This guy comes up to me and basically starts going on about how beautiful he thought I was and how he just had to talk to me and how I had a nice “black girl ass” and smile and how I had a beautiful soul and personality (even though this is the first time he met me). I knew he wasn’t quite sober because I could smell alcohol and he was slurring a little, and he had a brown paper bag with a can of some kind of alcohol. I was smiling because I thought the whole thing was pretty amusing but also cause he was saying compliments no one has ever said before. He almost begged to help me carry my groceries and for me to ask him for help with something and I essentially said that I’ve taken care of myself for years and didn’t need help with something like carrying grocerirs. I also obviously didn’t want him going into my apartment. So it kind of went back and forth for a while and I kept being my sassy self which he seemed to enjoy. And at this point it was very obvious what he wanted, and by the way he was acting I could tell he thought I’d fall for his lines. And it was another “you know you’re aro/ace when” moment because nothing he said made me feel anything. No conflicting emotions or “what if’s”, just “I have ice cream that needs to get in the freezer stat”. Then he said it. “You just have such a peautuful a** and a beautiful p***sy” and I tuned him out as he basically was saying how he wanted to have sex, and I double checked my surroundings just in case. It’s important to note that he never got in my bubble, never grabbed me, and never shouted or said anything derogatory. He didn’t even call me a bitch when I rejected him. I told him I was asexual and described what it was. And he said “I bet you I could change that” while trying to lean on the good of my car in a “cool” way. I said no he couldn’t. He said he could. I said that he shouldn’t say that if he wanted me to like him at all. He kind of backtracked and started going on a mini speech about how being black or white didn’t matter to him (he was black and I’m pale like an overflowered tortilla), and racism didn’t matter. I was just thinking how he meant race didn’t matter cause he also said I was a damsel in de stress cause I was steady and honest and holding my ground. I asked him what he thought a damsel in distress was. He said he didn’t know and asked me what I thought it was. I told him what it actually meant and that I was the opposite. He backtracked again cause he used the wrong word.

I don’t know why the spaces are so severe when I post from mobile right now so I’m so sorry about that.

Anyway.

He said he didn’t care about color. I don’t give a shit either. But he was tipsy and flirty with me and saying he wanted to have sex which are all major no nos. After 7 or so attempts to end the conversation I think we parted on a decent note. I told him that next time we talked it would be cool if he didn’t have a drink with him. So he held out a hand for a shake and when I took it he frickin kissed it. More than once. All over my hand with no sign of stopping. I had to apply a little force but I was able to pull my hand back without too much trouble. He kept shouting complements as he walked down the street and I headed to my apartment. Unfortunately he turned to say something as I opened my door so he saw where I lived. I haven’t seen him since and no one has come to the door, but I’ll be making sure everything is always locked. I called my mom when I got inside cause I was uncomfortable. I told her what happened and that I was probably safe, but she said she’d call me later to check on me.

Crossing my fingers that I don’t have another experience like that any time soon and that I’m left alone cause I’ve been watching too many murder mysteries and yea.

So that was my story.

~Amber

#not really aro/ace #amber posts

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autowrite · 4 years

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Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af. I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea. Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t. I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed, it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it, have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside, but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good

#ardennes #automaticwriting #autowrite #morningpages

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

Text

so i really think i am done now.

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool.

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road.

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry?

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole.

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good.

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision.

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired.

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab.

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting.

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict.

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick.

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person.

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around.

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room.

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form.

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time.

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg.

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted?

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab.

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else.

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it.

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be”

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”.

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fsfantasy95 · 7 years

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Into words

Alright it’s September already. Haha Aug was probably the most happening month after my hiatus from excitement since i think Feb???

But anyway I really didn’t intend to fly two times to the same country within the same month lol. The first one was a genuine holiday trip already in place months ago, the second one popped out only one month before. Er I don’t know what made me decide to go for the second one, probably cos I was captivated by the thought of visiting Xitou, or ok lah maybe I was just being a senseless infatuated fangirl.

The holiday trip was good and all (well it is a holiday after all), i think travel companions matter a lot. So thankfully the friends were all easy-going suibian people who dont mind sleeping in on trips, doing nothing on various days, eating lame food etc etc. On the first day we got our hair done at in%, then I dumped the friends to get a photo with Kent Tsai my new obsession!!! He’s a very very cute derpy little boy. HAHAHA I missed one hour of Peici’s concert as a result of that but ok it wasnt too bad. Did i mention peici’s concert was the reason this trip existed in the first place - as weird as it sounds to have arose from jt LOL. Then I met tph’s tw fan to pass her some i-weekly magazines (lolol) and we spent the night roaming around raohe. LOL i think one memorable moment was getting a leg cramp the moment I sat down in the taxi after walking ages at the night market, I was trying to control myself from screaming in pain and attempting to give directions to the cabby at the same time lmao.

On the 2nd day we concurred to sleep in. Jalan-jalan around XMD, random shops and the arcade, went to my favourite GUANG NAN!, I found the camera streets to buy the battery which I very smartly forgot to bring, more jalan jalan and spent the night early at our accom stocked with beer and food. Shiok! Actually this is the perfect holiday itinerary.

3rd-4th was packed with the tour itinerary up to shei-pa. Ok this was suggested by me because I am a sucker for mountainous areas, I am going to conquer all the national parks in taiwan. Not too bad with nice chilly air, although not as chio as i expected hmms. Jt and I attempted one of the forest trekking paths ourselves and shit that was one scary 40mins of our lives HAHAHA. There was freaking not a single soul in the whole forest and the path was much longer than we expected. There was a point when I wondered if I would ever get out of that place. Then we missed some star-gazing guide at night because idk who remembered the timing wrongly wtf hahahahah then we forced the provision shop to sell us beer and cup noodles even though they were already closed.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that the bendy roads up were one of the worst..even I felt a bit bad upon reaching the top (I am usually the one enjoying being thrown around the vehicle). Went up further to the national park area - more mountain views, and trekking paths!!! Ok lah my stamina still survivable. Wasted time visiting some boring museum-ish place along the way down and I was late for my Kent Tsai bubble tea shop event. Sucks! Hahaha literally opened my luggage along the streets of xmd to change my camera lens. We did supermarket shopping that night, the loots were a considerable lot hahaha. I remember sleeping around 3am trying to watch xmj’s live after all the packing and watching tv.

Last day was the epic shit having breakfast at the hotel and getting caught in a rat attack. LOL it was damn amusing cos people were screaming and some auntie was trembling in fear just because of one rat. But the rat ended up getting killed right beside our table (VIP zone for us) and I was recording it and we were screaming and laughing so hysterically HAHAHAHA. Shit the singaporean spirit, I was one of the only few whipping out my phone to record the commotion lolololol. We wanted to visit maokong for the last few hours but I think we ended up just roaming the taipei main station underground shops and spending money on arcade and gachapons.

Hahaha definitely an enjoyable trip. We hit 600 for our basketball machine!! and the stupid fruit vinegar drink I bought for kent tsai but had to use it as forfeit to finish the not-so-nice drink XD

Back to work for another two weeks and I was off again. This time for jaydaone only jaydaone. Haha another set of easy-going travel companions, so everything was gooddddd! We checked-in early to get some last minute buys for him (lol the TWG tea smelled funny honestly) and we thought we had much time to jalan jalan and ended up being the last few at the boarding gate. Took our time to fly there, eat breakfast at the airport, slowly made our way to taichung, and after much walking around finally reached xitou. Shit the bus from taichung to xitou was damn awesome for catching up on sleep. Our minsu owners didnt let us go back to the accom and insisted we toured the monster village first before returning. Oh well never give laoniang here chance to put makeup.... haha we finished the whole village i think by 6+pm. Its not as big as I thought.... but there were some amusing things which we are still laughing over now LOL just some very vulgar packaging boxes useful for scolding people. Cant stop using the phrases after that. Hahahaha bought convenience store food (my mayday limited edition taiwan beer!!) and we were back in the accomm by early night. Idk how we still dragged until past 12midnight to sleep lol . Ate our food (without utensils!!! how can family mart do this to us), drank beer watch TV listened to jaydaone’s radio (and off-ed it halfway cos it was damn noisy) wrote some cards and nuasaied in the room. Shiok.

Up earlyyyyyyyyyyyy as planned but took longer than expected to get ready. So we were behind our own schedule hahaha sucks! We panicked when the minsu person told us it would require around 40mins to reach the event location from the main entrance. Had to forgo the minsu breakfast :c and we made our way direct to the event location. That was quite a climb, and wtf lyc reached even before us. We choped a good spot and yeah of course everybody else just conveniently slotted in without expressing any form of gratitude, ohwells hahahaha but doesnt matter la there is no fierce competition there and then. Lyc appears and sang 4 songs, I wasnt watching him most of the time cos I was busy taking photos. Errrrrr like lol I flew over there just to watch him but end up looking at the camera screen. But I think he was in a good mood c: Haha at the end of the performance we had a mini gathering nearby, it was longer than the performance time. I remember he emerged and was walking down the slope and we went up to say hi. MY PRINCE ON A WHITE HORSE *v* ahhhh hahaha please pardon me while I switch to xmm fangirl mode. I think the rest I should just leave it because I have already recorded it down somewhere and it is not easy to put into words without sounding like a freak. But he is nice nice nice very very nice and I am very very grateful he is who he is. I think I’ve seen him for >15 times but this is the first time(?) i held his hand properly HAHAHA shit this is going to sound erxin but when he was leaving he was saying thanks and he held out his hand so I reached out for it and at that moment I just had this thought that, Oh dear I don’t want to let go yet so I held on and he didnt let go too (!!) I think I had his right and stephy had his left. Hahahahahahaha. Then he gave the kind of look that goes through your eyes and said xiexie. Walao please please kill me please 为什么就是一股温暖满满的温暖我感觉支持你快10年了我青春有你什么都值得了

Lol okay enough hahahaha i think its hard for people to understand. Anyway right after he left we walked back to attempt some last minute sightseeing before rushing for the bus. I remember us scolding some shit while walking HAHAHAHA so much for putting on a fake demure front when the idol’s around. Back to taichung and met with mans the siao last-minute-decided-to-come girl, we created a tiny hoo-ha at uriko’s art exhibition cos they got to know that there were a few singaporeans there lol. But she is very pretty and talented. Now I understand why tintin went crazy over her hahahahaha. Our schedule for the night had two deleted items, one pan wei bo event and one dimdimsum trip, we ended up having dinner at yizhong and trying out the random 100dollar item vending machine. Watched kent tsai and the chi qing nan zi han at night. Freaking 3rd row in a huge cinema i think my neck is very unwell. Walked fengchia at night and found out our flight was delayed by freaking 8 hours!! Ded. Made plans to cancel our HSR tix.

Last day was spent on Kent Tsai at kaohsiung. Haha shit his face was sooooo grumpy that day. We had another round of the movie for the after-show qna and he actually asked us to shhh cos our cameras were so loud. Wtf hahaha this kid. But he is still very cute lah. Then we went to the adidas exhibits thingy and ruifeng night market (extra time cos of the flight delay zzz) and then we slowly took the bus back to taoyuan. Reached airport at 4+am I think. Haha last minute buys at 7-11 and beer. I think I was close to k.o. already, i need sleep!!!! Horrors of further flight delay by 2hrs. Lol kept thinking of how to kaopei the flight carrier. Ended up we didnt use the meal vouchers cos we thought they were for in-flight when they were actually for airport shops zzzzzzzzzzzz. But at the end they gave us flight vouchers and insurance is claimable so Ok lor I dont mind. Luckily I took extra day leave for work beforehand, if not jialat only.

Hahaha awesome awesome trips. Shit once the flying starts I think it is hard to stop. Oh dear. Sigh its back to reality for now... dont know how long I can survive without anymore excitement....... Argh I think i sound like a kid. But whatever lah gimme a break from all these adult life and societal cruelty (and SHITASS people) for once or twice. Bye back to the mundane mundane shitty life.

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crashpaddiaries · 7 years

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Dear Crashpad Diary #18

Well well well… haha How are you doing?? Sweeeeeet, right?!?!

the end is coming haha and I´d say that it is a peculiar feeling… don’t wanna the hampi trip to come to an end but I´m looking forward to see my bro and find out what Nepal reserves… I have no doubt that it will be epic and the experience will make me love the country… exactly like happened with India!! =)

Well… India will always be in my heart and soul… but for some people, also in their skin!! haha

Don´t get me wrong… there is nothing to do with tattoos or any kinda skin art haha its more related to the bikes… motorbikes!! hahaha I would never get a motorbike normally… I think it wouldn’t work out well for me and I would… because of the speed that I could reach… hug some light post or wall quickly…. that is the main reason for not handle me a bike peeps hahahaha

However…. there are some people that know how to drive and so on and rent bikes in Hampi to make it easier the transport… also… laziness hahaha were here for almost 3 months and we did pretty much everything walking… the things far away we had to take bus and tuktuk.. but its rare though haha

Anyway… people get the bikes here… but what they normally don’t consider is that they are different bikes… those that does not matter what do you wanna… it has its own will and will not give the chance to change it hahahah

We have seen so many people with huge scratches and bandages in all parts haha feet and arms are the most likely targets but backs…knees… faces… even the top of the feet haha I think the guys that rent the bikes have some sort of connection with the shops that sell antiseptics, tapes, bandaids and all this stuff hahahah

We had some friends that were fancying living on the edge and decided rent a a bike… a couple from England and two friends from Germany… the couple ended up few times inside the rice fields hahaha the best part was listening to their story…

Ben was driving and told us that the front wheel was acting weird… he was turning to the left and the thing to the right… the bikes are pretty stubborn hahaha… so he tried to avoid and got straight to the rice field…. as soon as he pushed the bike back to the road… Laura told him: “Let me drive cuz you clearly dont know how to drive the bike…” … He handled the bike and she tried to turn right and the bike went left… just because she wanted to check the other side of the rice field… not because the bike was mean!! hahahahaha In the end they pushed the bike back to the guy who rented and got their money back!! hahaha

Fortunately, they didn’t get hurt… kinda mud wet and with feel cereals on their pockets hahaha

On the other hand… Oscar and Ehmer didn’t have the same luck… they were the germans on the other evil bike… on day we met them coming back from the waterfall and when they were heading there we could foresee that the future (or the bike) wasn’t holding something good for them…. as they departed in an uncontrollable zig-zag towards the waterfall…. Later that day we heard they got in an accident…. nothing too serious but India will be remembered through all the scartissues hahaha

Climbing-wise… I know.. I haven’t been writing much about the climbing… we keep doing pretty often and having fun and all!! =)

…as the time passes we’ve been trying harder problems… working on our limits and trying to raise the level… its enjoyable and I´m having great fun… but working the whole time on your limits sometimes means… no sends for a while… which is quite hard… The good thing is that Alfonso came to visit us and we had awesome sessions together… sweet rest days… and loads of skin layers from our fingertips vanishing hahaha

I actually don’t know what disappeared faster… the weeks he was here or my skin hahaha Well… when we are having good times the clock seems to go into fast forward mode right?! haha

After that I had to take few days resting as I was working on 7bs and 7cs constantly… sadly got close to get some but didn’t finish anything for at least 3 weeks hahaha how the south africans would say: Shame!! hahaha

I, in fact tried to get going and went to another session with Fabi, to try the Goan Corner… one of the classics here…. woke up at 5:30… we were there around 6… and by the time the sun rises we have few minutes to try before it gets too hot… haha I only needed 3 tries to understand that I should not go for it hahaha I wasn’t having fun… my body wasn’t working well… my mind and body were completely disconnected and everything was feeling forced…. I spotted and went home rest haha

I had never thought that I would say that but I was looking forward to not climb for a while and recover… mainly my stated of psycheness hahahaha

Well… didn’t take too long too be psyched for climbing again… 3 days and I was looking at the columns and finding crimps were normal people see the mass that keep the bricks together hahahaha

Something that I´m loving though is the slackline… I have one and always get some sessions and some tries on rest days… but here there is one in our guest house… so easy… whenever I have time I hop on… and the days I wasnt climbing… the slackline was the activity…. I got awesome seshs and improved incredibly… to certain point that I was having more fun with the slackline than the climbing hahahaha (I said that whispering so no one will hear) hahahaha What an heresy hahahahaha

The thing is that maybe 10 years ago I saw a video called “Gibbon Kids” where they jumped… walked… did loads of mad tricks on the line and I was like: Wow… I wish I could do that… and that…”…. well… after the boost I can get loads of those tricks hahahah awesome jumpy times here hahahahahaha

Don´t worry (chicken curry)…. hahahah I´m back to climbing… had a great sesh these days… got an 7b and 2 new 7as in one morning!! hoooooray!!! =) Plus…. at the same session we discovered how to make liquid chalk… hahaha I´ll put up the steps in the end of this post hahaha

I forgot to mention something small that happened when Alfonso was here… we almost got busted by the police at the temples hahaha

He wanted to get the same picture as the front cover of the guide book…. Him climbing the egg shaped rock with the temples on the back… so… there we went… he put the shoes on… I got the camera and he ran sneakily towards the boulder… I got all the moves until the police started shouting and whistling telling him to get out of that rock…. it seems that those are holy rocks now…. and 10 years ago they had not reached the sacred lever… thats why it was possible climbing them!! hahahah

I would be the next to get the pics…. well… you know…. spend another nite in a jail for a pics does not sound worthy hahahaha

The guys that wrote the guide book should update that info to save some assess too!! hahahah

Other than that… we didn’t have much adventure…. Stephen and I were watching 127 Hour… but he had not seen that before… so… as it was dinner time and he was about to order a pizza, I asked if he gets sick with blood… he told me not and we got the movie going one…. the first part is great and the pizza was not ready… cuz you know…. murphy´s law…. hahahahah As soon as the guy got the arm stuck the pizza came flaming and smelling scrumptiously…. (spoil alert… actually… the movie is way to old… you should have seen it ages ago!! =) )…. by the time the guy cuts his arms the pizza was already trying to be digested in his stomach… something hard when you see a surgery well played on the screen…. so Stephen stood up and, as the germans on that bike…. departed fast in an uncontrollable zig-zag towards our room hahahaha I tried to go with him but all the stuff were still on the table and he told me to mind it hahaha wasn’t funny cuz he got sick…. actually was funny but fortunately he made it to our room without scratches or diving into the rice fields hahahaha Just kidding…. he is fine!! =)

For the gran finale… the Chalkitiser!!! I was in a great sesh with Esther… enjoying the cool breeze coming through the little cave… was midday or so… not much to do…. started wondering about the sanitiser…. that really dries up the hand…which is exactly the point of the liquid chalk…. so I told her… why not use the sanitiser and than chalk it up for climbing??

When she came with the best idea ever… why not mix the sanitiser with the powder??? hahahaha

That´s it… if you want liquid chalk you simply have to get a bottle of liquid sanitiser… which is pretty much alcohol…. mix with chalk and voilá!! haha Liquid chalk that helps you to get rid of 99.9% of the germs… raise up the level of you climbing… and simultaneously hydrates your hands as it has Aloe Vera!! hahahahah

Reading the post, It could think that it´s a joke… but the thing works and we tested while climbing hahahah give it a shot… the sanitiser costs like 10% the price of the liquid chalk and the powder you probably have…. so…. enjoy the Chalkitiser!! hahahahaha

Cool…. this gets me up to date beasts!!

In few days we will be going to Nepal but before I will send my last project….

Keep sending awesome vibes to the universe and the universe will return it back stronger!! Smile and you´ll get loads of smiley friends in this world!!

Good vibes and talk to you soon!!

Evan

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