#not in a sad angsty hurty way

[fanfoolishness]

the waves flowing, the dawn blooming

Hunter and Crosshair have a heart-to-heart, after their girl takes wing. Set directly after the epilogue, stuffed full of soft Dad Batch feels, lots of healing, and Hunter and Crosshair being close again <3. I cried all through the back half, sorry not sorry. ~1900 words.

-

Beach-crickets shivered the last of their evening songs as Hunter and Batcher wended their way back to Lower Pabu.  The house wasn’t far from the cove, and a brisk walk would have done it in ten minutes, but they took their time.  Batcher was eager to follow her favorite smells along the beach, and Hunter waited patiently for her.  His back and knees had warmed up with the walk, but there was plenty to think about.

Their kid was gone.

He didn’t know what to call this feeling in his chest: a deep and full-bodied sorrow, mingled with the fierce pride he always felt every time he looked at Omega, tangled with joy and worry and the longing for more time.  He grappled with it as they followed the familiar path back to their little home, as the stars shimmered among the slowly lightening sky.  

Batcher whuffed softly as they approached the gate.  Light from the kitchen glowed gently through the side window, and Hunter smiled, catching a faint scent of caf.  Batcher scampered up to the door, morning stiffness long forgotten, and trotted inside as it opened.  Hunter followed, slipping off his boots and heading to the kitchen.

“I wondered when you’d be back,” said Crosshair, raising his eyebrows at Hunter.  He sat at the kitchen table with a pitcher of caf and two mugs.  One steamed merrily before him, and he cradled it in his left hand to take a sip.  He never wore his prosthetic first thing in the morning.

“Well… she’s off.”  Hunter drew up a chair and sat down at the table.

A small smile creased Crosshair’s face.  “You caught her?”

“You knew?” he asked.  “Ahhh, of course you did.”  He waved an annoyed hand at his little brother.

“Said her goodbyes to Wrecker and me last night.  Swore us to secrecy.”  Crosshair shrugged, taking a sip of his caf.  “I can’t say no to her.  Never could.”

Hunter chuckled.  He remembered a time, long ago, that that hadn’t been the case; it felt like another lifetime.  “She let me catch her.  She acted like I’d found her out, but she could have hidden her tracks if she’d wanted.”  He sighed.  “I know I was hard on her.”

”You’ve always protected her.  She knows that’s all it was.  Though she did complain about it.”  Crosshair smirked, wearing the same punchable little half-grin he’d perfected in their brief cadet years.  “‘Doesn’t he know I’m not a kid anymore?’”

Hunter groaned, rubbing his face.  He reached for the pot of caf and poured himself a cup.  “I deserve that.”

”Mm-hm.”

He took a sip of caf.  It was bracing, strong, just how Crosshair always brewed it.  He savored it, letting it swirl over his tongue, so much richer and fuller than the stim drinks they used to have in their rations.  He closed his eyes, lost in thought.

The war had never ended.  It just took on a new name.

This is my fight, Hunter.

Why did she have to have one, when she’d already fought so hard?  Didn’t she deserve the peace they’d won so dearly?

”Are you all right?” Crosshair said in a quiet voice, breaking his reverie.

Hunter blinked, glancing over at his brother.  Crosshair regarded him with that cool, observant gaze, the weight of it familiar and steady.  

It was the same look he used to give him in the Marauder on missions during the Clone Wars; but the face giving it was older, softer.  Crosshair’s narrow cheeks had filled in somewhat with the years, rounding the sharp angles he’d once carried.  His gray hair had grown out and gone fully white, curling gently at his forehead and the nape of his neck, except at the old scar at his temple where it had never regrown.  His short white beard held a hint of the same curl.

You can wear it how you like, you know.  We’re defective.  Nobody cares as long as we complete the mission.

Grow it long like yours?  I don’t think so. These blasted curls are a nightmare.  Give me that trimmer, I don’t know how you stand it.

It’s the headband, obviously.

Sure it isn’t cutting off circulation to your brain?

Hunter stifled a laugh.  They’d been so young.  Things had changed so much since those days, and Crosshair was different now… yet still the same as ever.  

They all were, he supposed.

“Just feeling thoughtful,” Hunter said.  He sighed.  “I don't know where the time went.”

“We’re clones.  We never had very much of it to begin with.”  Crosshair’s eyes softened.  “Tech should have had more.”

Hunter nodded slowly.  “He should have.”

He thought of Tech’s goggles, safely stowed on Omega’s little ship, where she could see them with every pitched turn or hyperspace leap.  It was the right place for them, a testament to all he’d taught her.  His breath caught in his throat.

“She told me this was her fight,” Hunter said.  “But she shouldn’t have to have one.  Not again.”  Tantiss was a victory -- and a cruelty -- that should have been enough for one lifetime.  It tore at him, thinking of her taking on another brutal fight, one with no guarantee of victory.  They hadn’t been blind, these years on Pabu; he knew what she was up against.  He rubbed at his chest, taking a deep breath.

Crosshair poured himself another cup of caf.  “It’s not the galaxy we live in, Hunter.  It never has been.”

”When did you get so wise?”

Crosshair ducked his head in one of his rare guffaws, the laugh echoing sharply in the kitchen.  “That’s not wisdom.  That’s just living.”

”I’m not sure the two aren’t the same.”  Hunter took another drink of his caf, but it had cooled significantly.  How long had he been musing? 

“You’re worried about her.”

”And you aren’t?” Hunter asked skeptically.

Crosshair raised an eyebrow.  “Of course I am.”  He gazed down into his mug, tracing his thumb over the top of the cup.  He rubbed thoughtfully at the side of his face with his stump.  “Of course I am,” he said again.  “But — I trust her, Hunter.  If she has to do this, I have to let her.”  He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they were bright.  He blinked rapidly.

Hunter reached out, taking him by the shoulder and nodding.  For a moment, it was hard for either of them to speak.

Crosshair cleared his throat, and Hunter let his hand fall.  Crosshair tilted his head towards the back door.  “Maybe you should join us.”

”You and Batcher?” Hunter asked.  He did, sometimes.  When memories of Eriadu, Kamino, Tantiss crept in; when his senses jangled, when it was hard to sleep or think.  It wasn’t often that he needed it, but it did help, he’d had to admit.  And he’d seen the changes meditation had wrought in Crosshair through the years, a calm held deep within, so different from the twisted guilt and painful memories that had once defined him.  

“An open invitation,” said Crosshair.  He swallowed, and Hunter could tell he was thinking of Omega, sunny and centered, always happy to join him when she wasn’t sleeping in or off with friends.  

”All right, then,” Hunter agreed.  “If there’s room on that patio for another old man.”

”Who are you calling old?” Crosshair snarked, getting to his feet with an audible creak.  Now it was Hunter’s turn for a sharp, short laugh.

”Both of us, brother,” Hunter said fondly.

They shuffled out to the back patio, Batcher at Crosshair’s heels.  She curled up in her comfy bed on the patio, knowing the routine.  Crosshair pulled out the stack of pillows piled against the side of the house, tossing two down.  The ground had somehow gotten a lot harder in recent years than it used to be, and the pillows helped.

They settled down beside each other, their folded knees brushing.  The dawn was rising, blushes of faint pink and orange and gold nipping at the edges of the deep inky blue.  The beach-crickets had quieted their songs, only to be replaced by the sweet tittering music of the saltbush sparrows and the sandcatchers and the buzzing starthroats.  

Hunter gazed out at the lightening sky, eyes straining as if to catch the glimmer of a ship’s lights.  But there was nothing out there besides the glow of pre-dawn, no lights making their way home.  Omega was gone, and he knew she’d had to go, knew she had to follow what was right just as she always had, and he hung his head, his breath stuttering.  

What were they going to do without her?  Her laughter echoing through the house with Wrecker’s booming joy, her tinkering with Gonky or parts from her little ship at the kitchen table so like what Tech used to do, her wicked banter and her kind understanding with Crosshair --

The soft, trusting way she’d look up at him, when she was small?

Cut had tried to warn him, once.  Tried to tell him what it meant to love a child, to give everything for them, to do what was best for them even when it was so, so hard.  Hunter had thought he’d be able to figure it out.  Turned out he’d had no idea.

He rubbed at his eyes, trying to master his breath, and looked out at the sea.  The dawn was in full bloom now, gold lining the flowers along their patio and glittering in the suncatcher standing at the east boundary.  Hunter relaxed as the light danced around him, reflecting off the mirrors twirling slowly in the morning breeze.  He remembered when Crosshair had shyly shown him what he’d made, his old mirror pucks strung together with shells and colorful stones, shimmering beacons of art instead of cold devices of war.

He glanced at Crosshair out of the corners of his eyes.  His brother sat with his eyes closed, head slightly bowed, his hand and his stump resting atop his knees.  The lines in his face had softened, his expression calm, grounded.  Peaceful.  His breath flowed in Hunter’s ears like waves on the shore, in and out, in… and out.  

Tears pricked his eyes again, and Hunter smiled, nodded, bowed his head, and let his eyes fall closed.

His brother was right.  If she has to do this, I have to let her.  

He knew it, as much as he knew anything.

She knows what to do.  Of course she did; they’d taught her, hadn’t they, Echo, Tech, Wrecker, Crosshair, all of them.  She’d come through floods and fire, destruction and capture and all-out war, and she’d never stopped hoping, never given up, never stopped loving all of them through everything. Part of them would always be with her in the emblems on her jacket, in her treasured Lula-doll, in Tech’s goggles, in Hunter’s old headband.  And after that, she’d have the memories, long after they’d breathed their last and gone to join their brother.  

Tears dampened his face, but he didn’t mind: a small price to pay for a love this fierce and good.  He breathed in, and breathed out, his breath matching Crosshair’s, melding with the sounds of the waves below.

She’d be brave, just like they’d taught her, just like she’d always been.

He hoped the galaxy was ready for her.

#the bad batch #the bad batch spoilers #the bad batch finale #tbb spoilers #hunter bad batch #crosshair bad batch #omega bad batch #the dad batch #my batcher fic #seriously tears just dripping down my face writing this #not in a sad angsty hurty way #but in a soft my heart a splode way #hope y'all like it <3

[blackbird-brewster]

So glad ur back the jemily nation truly owes you a lot for all the content youve put out there. Taking this time to thank you for (for ur fics especially, they are so well written and thought out) and to appreciate you(i honestly come back to ur masterlist of all jemily things bc its so organized so helpful so thank you thank you)!! I hope the time in between making contents got you well rested and inspired for more bc i cannot wait to see them and support u hahaha. Anyways since ur looking for prompts i got here a list of VERY sad and emo ideas bc i love suffering and hurty/angsty jemily is top tier. Do what you will with them ONLY if youre up to it hahah thank you nevertheless. Much love <333

“What’s the point of trying if it just proves that I’ll never be good enough?” (maybe like em trying to out-battle will and being a lil jealous and jj as repressed as she is keeps getting swayed by will)

“I don’t expect a happy ending. I just want an ending.”(oof this is giving very unrequited love)

“It sucks. Because I want to hate you, but I can’t.”(this one maybe set in jj and wills wedding? a very angry and miserably emily who is hopelessly in love ouch)

“You’re right: I’m a liar. But you can believe me, just this one time.”(aka jj broke emilys heart a million different ways and that one time she tries to fix it but emily is just so tired and broken or idk)

Maybe a very dark multi-chap series will come out of this or a lil oneshot, either way its all up to you!

Anon!?!?!

This is beyond humbling. You literally brought me to tears. This reply will probably be long and rambling but I want you to understand how meaningful this message is.

I have been screaming into the void of the internet since I was about 14 years old (20 years ago!!!). I started with Livejournal when it was still in beta. It was before Facebook. It was before pretty much anything mainstream, in terms of social media. I came out as gay when I was 15. I lived in a small, extremely religious, rural town in Texas and being gay was the most isolating experience. So I took to the internet and I met other people like me. I got introduced to fanfic and fandom and found my people. Finding community online was the first time I didn’t feel alone in the world and it was the first time I reconsidered ending my life. It was the first spark I experienced of ‘it gets better’ — of hope, that my life could be fulfilling and lovely and soft.

I had been watching Criminal Minds since my senior year of high school when it first came out but honestly, I had never thought much about it having a fandom. It just didn’t seem like that type of show to me. But when I started using tumblr regularly in about 2014 (so CM was in about S7?), I just happened across a gif set that was the scene from ‘Children of the Dark’ about ‘You…kids…I could see it’ and it changed the ENTIRE course of my life.

It was as if I was suddenly noticing the most obvious thing ever. Jemily was SO clear all of a sudden. I was staying with my best friends the night this happened and I asked them where they read fanfic. I signed up to AO3 that night and found at that point, there were only 82 Jemily fics.

I started with the trailblazing fic that honestly built the foundation for this ship. ‘Take my hand and show me the way’ by MJDuncan (@mjduncan)

I read the entire thing (both parts) STRAIGHT through over 18 hours. No sleep, no breaks. I just read it and it was like I had found the good gospel.

I became a 100% Criminal Minds/Jemily blog immediately after. And I started writing fic for them.

In one year (2014-2015), the Jemily AO3 tag had gone from 82 to DOUBLE that and about 70% of the new ones were mine, with my bestie (@otahkoapisiakii ) contributing tons too. (We actually met through being Jemily fic authors and we’re still besties today!)

I used my writing to process some of the most traumatic years of my life and I was naturally drawn to writing angsty/sad fics because at that point in my life, I didn’t believe in happy endings. I couldn’t, due to what was going on for me — I didn’t have any hope for a happy ending for myself so I def couldn’t see it in my fic. So I decided to, instead, write messy, emotional fics because that is part of humanity. The real world is rarely happy endings. Real life is messy and awful and hard and traumatic and I don’t think we get to see that in media a lot and I think when media avoids these hardships — it can make people feel alone and isolated. Because it’s so easy to think you are the only one going through something when there’s no media that reflects your experiences. Does that make sense?

It’s the whole reason why diverse representation is SO important. Not only in terms of race, ability, sexuality, gender, etc but also in terms of sharing lived experiences.

For me to write for 7-12 hours a day, cranking out all of these heartbreaking fics was my way of sharing my experiences through characters who felt like best friends. It was so important to me and honestly, I wouldn’t be alive today without this fandom becoming my special interest when it did.

So all of that was to say: Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that all of my experiences, all of my content, all of my writings that I was shouting into the void…mattered. It all mattered. And it still matters because I get comments like this that remind me that my work is still helping people and engaging to people and important.

When I randomly decided a couple of weeks ago to throw myself back into this fandom and to start WRITING again for the first time since 2015,it was TERRIFYING. I was worried no one would want to read what I wrote because now, there's 2000 Jemily fics and I didn't think anyone would even remember me. But people like you have reminded me that people DO remember and it has been the biggest support as I get back into writing fic.

I think we, as humans, have an innate desire to leave some sort of ‘legacy’. And I think people get too caught up on ideas of what type of legacy is valid. But you don’t have to cure cancer or explore space or be a politician or whatever — sometimes, just sharing your stories so that other people feel seen and get reminded that they’re not alone is SO important as a ‘legacy’.

So thank you anon. You just validated so many doubts I’ve struggled with for so many years of my life. I will cherish this message always and forever. I genuinely,from the bottom of my heart, am grateful you took the time to share these words with me.

Thank you.

(PS - ’m going to reply to your prompts on a second post!)

#anon #reply post #emotion ocean #do not lose

[shameboree]

please rec more fics that will absolutely destroy me 🙏

okay disclaimer i am so picky that i quit most angst fic bc i have VERY PARTICULAR needs and also i x out if it is too Grimdark bc i prefer canon typical goofery where the kiddos still manage to land in the DESPAIR ZONE. you were the brightest of us is def my absolute top hurtful gutting miseryfic to injure urself w but here are some other angsty things even if theyre not on that level

postcards from io OBVIOUSLY

a fight that you were born to lose

i fucking LOVE THIS FIC!!! focuses on adrien and his deteriorating relationship w gabriel who is in a freefall toilet spiral AND THEN the aftermath of the hawkmoth reveal. this fic is so good and i treasure it

i shall never know that second death

this is suuuch a good grief fic. marinette sacrifices her memories so they can kick gabes ass and then from then on has to move forward w her life past the incomplete picture of the girl she used to be while everyone else also has to grieve n let go of the marinette who knew them. BITTERSWEET ENDING leaves u a little hurty still

when you werent mine to lose

chat noir gets dead and marinette is willing to take DRASTIC MEASURES to save her catboy eurydice while also being sad

technical difficulties

kicks over a fucking table YEARS LATER IM STILL OBSESSED W THIS FIC THAT WILL NEVER BE FINISHED!!! AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! right off the bat ladybug is forced to detransform in front of nino and thus begins marinette and nino having a pretty good time relying on each other and being friends while adrien is having definitely NOT a good time completely alone and not entirely successfully repressing a bunch of anger and resentment over feeling cut out (i cant believe this fic predicted adriens canon char arc). theres marichat (OPTIMAL) and also chat outright menacing nino near the end of whats written. i love this fic.

forget me not

adrien and marinettes unhealthy depression meltdowns after the Final Battle cucks them out of a reveal and leaves them without their miraculouses. CRAIGLIST MISSED CONNECTIONS!! dumb idiots being sad and coping in just awful ways but it all ends up fine (they go to the BONE ZONE as a heads up)

the way i loved you

MARICHAT ANGST ft adrien being such a dumbass and just totally fucking things up bc he doesnt know how to use his two braincells, as is good and right

adrien and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

oneshot w a feel good resolution so not super heavy on angst tbh. its a classic accidental public reveal fic that focuses on the alienating emotional fallout in the immediate aftermath

when the morning comes

post hawkmoth reveal fallout but from TOM DUPAINS POV!!! best dad picks up the pieces of the shit bad dad fucked all the way up and tries to help adrien puzzle them back together and i looooove the way he handles it

realizing that i love fic where adrien in particular is having a bad time. hm.

#miraculous ladybug #fic rec #i have so many fics saved.... #and YET i still cant find that one w the line abt sick marinette having the blanket draped over her shoulders like a cape!!! bullshit

[clarz-cc-archive]

answered May 16, 2020

Q: Hi clarz! Do you have any angsty fics to recommend, I feel like having a good cry rn i really dont even know why skxjxna have a great day!

A: i have some for you but hey twitter, got angst recs?? i feel like this too sometimes! sometimes u just wanna consume something SAD!! these recs are going to be very based on my own particular sense of what makes me feel sad, which is less a series of unrelenting bad things happening and more a kind of particular gut-wrenching wistfulness/lack of comfort and understanding i guess?? but so the only two fics in this fandom that have made me cry are:

this hopekook by sevensoulmates (MCD, suicide, read tags!!!) https://archiveofourown.org/works/16337963

and protostellar by ninamonday, which is namkook (sort of MCD? VERY heart hurt but also just, the BEST, why isn't this the most popular fic in the fandom, and also a good build up to the heart hurt instead of just right out the gate) https://archiveofourown.org/works/18791263 (to be fair, MOST of nina's fics have made me cry, but that's not because they're all sad, just this one i'd say, it's just that she has a knack for phrasing some character detail so compassionately and succinctly toward the end of the fic that it like surprises me into tears bc i'm a weirdo)

and here are some more that made me feel sad:

this short namkook by jeonbenet is v sad (depression, etc) but with no resolution so watch out! but also read it! https://archiveofourown.org/works/20583992

this recent jinkook made me feel DEEPLY sad (again, no resolution) https://archiveofourown.org/works/22360369

this sope is very hurty in the "they hurt each other and are a little mean and insensitive but they work it out" kind of way (read the tags, honestly read the tags on all these fics pls lol) https://archiveofourown.org/works/10987344

this long sope is very angsty and hobi is so SAD and ANGRY in it but i love it v much https://archiveofourown.org/works/15955043

this possibly-unrequited taekook is BEAUTIFUL and very sad and complicated and also unresolved and UGH GOOD https://archiveofourown.org/works/21070505

#fic recs #angst #links and lists #hopekook #namkook #sope #taekook #jinkook

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther, baby, with me

In honor of tonight’s Berens/Glynn episode (!!!!), I’d like to take y’all on a magical journey in which I share why I think Dean and Cas got together in season 12. 

Keep in mind that this post takes for granted that Dean and Cas are in love with each other and that their relationship has been increasingly coded as romantic with each passing season. Consequently, what this post does is point out some key moments in their relationship and argue why they don't get together before 12. I'll also go briefly over 13 and 14 for reasons I'll explain later in the post. First, though, let me go over seasons 4 through 11, with some pit stops along the way:

Seasons 4 & 5: this isn’t the destiel you are looking for. the ust is delicious, yes, and i, too, got sucked in posthaste immediately groped by an angel lj community style. At this point Cas is still too alien for anything beyond the development we see on screen happen. HOWEVER, season 5 is the first time we get to see Cas being human (The End) and Cas being less connected to heaven and how that affects his behavior. This will matter. 

Seasons 6 & 7: the pining omg the pining. The notable things I want to point out with these seasons is a. this is the beginning of Cas doing things to spare Dean and it not ending well (Cas dies #1, soulless!Sam); b. Dean is v. sad; and c. we also start noticing the emotional toll of Cas’s divided loyalties and how human he has actually become since s4. Hurty feels all around.  

Season 8: purgaytory babes aw yeah! Still lots of terrible awful pining. This is a turning point with the addition of the bunker as tfw hq: we have a home in play now, a static emotional center. Cas is still off doing his own thing, Dean still wishes Cas would just let him (+ Sam) help out. Cas going off on his own leads to disaster #2 (Angels fall, Cas loses his Grace). For all deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much of a gap between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 & slaughtering angels & leviathan. On the other hand, we do see Dean being more emotionally open, but to no avail. Bad timing. This is a trend. [oop also worth noting we get Dean being kinda done with the one night stand thing because always with the adios and ahem also hint hint Cas refusing to stay put]

Seasons 9 & 10: aka Dean and Cas make bad decisions, but mostly Dean. The biggest turning point here is Cas being human for an extended period of time. There is still plenty of spec over the effects of being human on Cas’s Grace and his Soul. What we can say for sure, though, is that Cas is much more human once he becomes an angel again. In contrast to s8, s9 sees Cas being vulnerable and Dean pushing him away (first because of Gadreel, which he didn’t want to do really and that’s even sadder kdjfgksdfj & later because he was pushing everyone away due to the mark).  

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait: there’s been so much amazing fic and spec about this episode with its fanfiction gap, but I can’t see a deancas get together here, folks. I know, it’s terrible. The lying from Dean and the hurt from Cas, imo, make the distance between them quite insurmountable at this point. While the episode is amazing (Bobo’s debut, too! So ♥) and has some notorious subtext throughout, I just can’t see the character bridging that gap into anything physical, much less emotional. Nevertheless, this episode does show perhaps the first intentional romantic tableaux with Dean and Cas, and that’s not nothing. 

10.16 Paint it Black: from the point Dean gets the mark of cain until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible. But one of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. For one, it’s a rare bit of emotional honesty from Dean and for two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the thing between them, it’s still uncharted waters. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6.  Anyway, he’s the full confession, so we can put a pin on it:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. [...]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. [...]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more, which all culminates in season 11, so...

Season 11: The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Luci (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems and by the end of the season we’re getting a clean slate. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. What this season does that is also super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible. 

11.04 Baby: Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? The convo between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development in on of the things Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That's awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we're lucky we still get that at all.  SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Compare this exchange with what we get from 11.11 and 11.19:

11.11 Into the Mystic: I’m bringing this episode as a crossreference to 10.16 and to show again that for all the closeness between Dean and Cas there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin'...If there's one thing I've learned in all my years on the road, it's when somebody's pining for somebody else. [...]  Oh, don't try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters: Continuing our trek regarding Dean wanting certain things we have this gift of an episode with Jesse and Cesar, and this exchange:

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13. 

Alright, now having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point in retrospect, after getting smacked by the domesticity of 13 and 14. Under the cut because I can’t shut up, and things are long enough as is. 

Season 12:  Finally, the promise land, y’all. So, what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. Important to keep in mind that until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. 

12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim). 

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You): Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it.

Offscreen happenings: Mixtape, how Cas knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow. This is hella suspicious. 

12.19 The Future: This episode changes everything, y’all (bobo and meredith, folks, bobo and meredith ksjdhfakjshlfksd). Consider watching this episode again and pay attention to some weird things: 1. Dean’s reaction to Cas going awol. Compare it to Sam’s, who is like whoa Dean chill. Now, thought experiment, imagine something happened between Dean and Cas, and then just radio silence from Cas. Imagine how Dean would react with getting ghosted by Cas specifically after something happened between them.  2. Cas comes back to the bunker with the specific goal of stealing the Colt, which he already knew was under Dean’s pillow -- something Sam didn’t even know.  3. “He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But Cas clearly knew where the Colt was already, which means something happened before  Cas came back to the bunker. Cas played Dean in seeming to have reconsidered not working with Sam and Dean wrt Kelly. This is still a point of drama, but it leads somewhere else (see s13 & s15). 4. WHEN DID DEAN GIVE CAS THAT MIXTAPE OMG 5. Dean and Cas’s brief convo in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together -- because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth. 

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him -- Dean is clearly shook by it -- Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) -- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow -- ???? -- Cas goes awol -- Dean acts like he got ghosted by his partner.

Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But ymmv, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication. 

Ok, maybe the narrative is still too subtle (?????), but as I said before, looking at 12 with the knowledge of 13 and 14 does offer a new perspective because of the difference in dynamic between Dean and Cas. I know lots of people look at 14, mainly, as having dialed back on the destiel side of things, but I always thought that was a strange take. Largely because they’re so domestic and their dynamic, ie, the lack of tension, reads like an established relationship. It’s a different kind of beast than we have been used to so far, so it does look alien on screen, especially since we “skipped” the conventional getting together cue that would let us change gears. Let’s take a look at 13 and 14, then.

Season 13: Ah, yes, the season of shit gets domestic. The pining? Gone? What? Deancas now reading like an established couple? It’s more likely than you think.

13.1-13.5: Dean’s grief mini-arc. Dude’s acting like a widower. We all know this. I want to gesture towards the reunion moment though with “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying. 

13.6 Tombstone: hi this episode is pure love and Dean is so happy his sweetheart is back from the dead? He’s even ok being Jack’s third dad now? What a time to be alive. Also? apparently Dean and Cas were just having movie night together? Dates? Mutual Pining dates prior to shit going to hell in 12? Do you ever cry? What else are they getting up to offscreen? What else will they get up to off screen? MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. 

Season 14: MORE DOMESTICITY. With some pining because Michael. But...heart eyes when Dean comes back? Watch that scene again with Dean going off to shower. Suspicious. But then shit hits the fan and we’re all sad again. boo. 

14.15 Peace of Mind: Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t coupley asf. 

14.18-14.20: Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established issue between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here; he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? Divorce arc was entirely too literal. 

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will they or won’t they because they already have. The tension is instead will they or won’t they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. There’s a crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned TWELVE FRIGGIN’ EPISODES. Y’all. Y’all that’s half a season. And we’re not even entirely done with it yet because Dean was cut short in purgatory, and they haven’t dealt with Cas’s side of blame in this mess yet either -- that Cas keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. And, you know, that’s a whole lot more exciting than witnessing their for realsies first kiss. I’m also confident Dabb & co will deliver the conclusion to this emotional arc and it will be a whole mess of feelings on all our parts. 

For the moment, though, it’s looking a lot like Dean and Cas had a rocky start to their ~involvement, then DEATH, then they got together feat. sweet sweet domestic fluff, then DIVORCE. So, yeah. Season 12, guys; it’s where it’s at. 

As for the more performative aspect of Dean and Cas’s relationship…that’s a whole other thing and all I can say is they got the green light for something, but I don’t know what it is and it’s driving me bananas, but it’s definitely something and we can talk about that, too. Place your bets, etc.  I’m clowning on the “I love you” pay off because it’s a glaring missing piece in this whole story. See also: holding hands? Carving Cas’s initials on the table? Saileen endgame parallels? All supported by the narrative. Like a lot. So. *finger guns*

#destiel #deancas #supernatural #dean winchester #castiel #spn #spn meta #my writing #one day i'll title my posts after things that aren't questionable songs #but today is not that day #this post has strong ship manifesto from the late 00's vibes #i miss those things they were handy

[lord-ofthe-frogs]

feeling kind of. wough.

(just read 6 chapters of a really good fanfic that made me. ouhg. that got really sad and angsty but in the good way near the end. Then a song came on and I was reminded of the same feeling, the kind of. letting go thing. breaking down. and then my sister started screaming again and I think i’ve been under this blanket for too long im actually really hot and for some reason my pinky feels like it’s fallen asleep and my heart feels all fluttery and ouhgsljgklj and its so warm that i’ve got these waves of coolness, you know those? and also my wrists have been hurty lately and actually I think theres a little bit of an ache in my arm right now. i’m always aching. why. and I don’t know the emotions. the emotions in fiction. got me. and i’m feeling a very good bad way. this feels. You know what. I might have. more mental problems. than I have self diagnosed myself with. this is. more than adhd.)

(edit: oh also my jaw has been doing that thing where. the right side feels all tense and wrong and whenever I try to stretch it and feel better it doesn’t work and/or pops in and out of place which is not desirable. probably TMJ.)

#I mean #i've been thinking it for a while #i've got #problems.

[yourthyla]

[STAR TREK] FANFICTION REC LIST

Phew! I’ve been reading a lot of fics so I’ve been doing this rec-list of my favourites for you. trust me it’s from MANY sources and depths of the internet. I’m gonna try to keep it clearly organized and updated. 

Also, these fics are really various, but the pairings are only combinatinos of Spock, Kirk and McCoy. I warn you I have a huge thing for AUs.

I used AO3 ratings and sometimes included author’s description.

This is also a thanks to my nearly 400 followers, I LOVE YOU all! I hope this comes any useful to you!

TOS

Spock/Kirk

E// Hours of Freedom is a both-sided amnesia fic but the best I’ve read. Kirk and Spock in forest, surviving, fluffing around and eventually smutting.

E// Got You is a Mirror-verse PWP where Spock and Kirk do it right on the bridge. Yes, you heard me, in front of everyone. One of the hottest PWPs ever.

E// The Friend Awesome in-character fic taking place on Vulcan, exploring Kirk’s jealousy and sexuality

E// The power of suggestion Under an unfortunate influence of a drug, Kirk starts temporarily believing he and Spock have been lovers. One of the best get/together fics and solutions of long secret crush I’ve read!

M// Communication A  wonderful epistolary fic (I love these) Being at war, Spock is separated from his crew before the end of 5YM and they miss each other immensely. They quite maturely handle their affections for each other and start writing between the lines.

T// A means to an end A morning-after fic with an interesting twist! Kirk and Spock shyly & slyly taking their friendship to ‘the next level’ :D

E// Turbo Tale This story is from Turbo lift’s POINT OF VIEW. No, trust me. This is too wonderful and I’ve never read a blowjob scene used so strangely appropriately and affectionately like here. .

G// The Game Very entertaining and originally handled challenge by the author.  The crew plays a game in a bar. I love this too much.

E// The Berries One of the best ‘we’re in forest, you’re drunk and we’re too surprised we’ve both loved and craved each other all along so let’s get it finally over with’ I’ve EVER read.

E// Personal Effects Spock received a personal android, he likes him a lot. Kirk is furiously jealous. 

M// Shall We? This one is different and so weird? It has plot but a humorous one and somehow this kept me entertained and I appreciate it in a strange way. Such an original view of K/S development!

E// Absolution The author truly spoiled me with this fic. It is a fuel to my hurt/comfort love, there is nothing like nasty abduction and then (most of the fic) soothing the character (Kirk) delicately with love while every single sentence of it is PERFECTLY in character that it awes me. The thing is very real. (However I only enjoyed the first half as much, I’m not sure if I ever finished the second.)

G// First comes love AU. Kirk is a single parent and Spock is a child doctor. Why you should read this? 1) PUREST THING EVER. 2) REALISTIC PURE CHILD’S (David) POV. 3) His daddy is falling in love with his doctor?!! 4)OhgodpleasejustREADit... I just wish this was longer *cries*

E// At a glance Teenage!AU. Ok I just realized I read this as AOS? It totally worked? Anyway, I only read 2 chapters because it felt satisfying enough the other day but I was IN LOVE with the first kissing scene, one of the most powerful I’ve EVER read. Love at first sight. Epic. I’m gonna finish it one day and update my opinion. 

E// Surrender PWP. Warning for dub-con and dom/sub elements. Normally I’m not so into this and if yes I don’t bother rec-ing it BUT I am doing so for the massage scene because hot damn, that was the hottest stuff ever. Simply well-written Spock seducing Kirk. (wth was this published in year 1997?!?)

E// Master and Commander A satisfying first-time PWP, awkward shower sharing, pleasant switching of the roles.

E// Getting What You Wished For Having any wish on a planet that creates anything for you, Spock (very logically) summons copy of Captain Kirk to deal with his oh so suppressed sexual and romantic feelings toward him. It doesn’t work but it might give him a push to finally confess.

E// Ardor Amazing PWP which just didn’t feel too cliché for my taste. Features gym red pants and very nice foreplay and resolved sexual tension wohoo.

G// in love with my captain This is just a drabble to warm your heart. It’s just the last sentence...is everything good in the world.

T// An Impossible Smile “ Captain Kirk has a seductive smile that no man or woman can stand up to. He uses this against Spock.” THIS IS SO GOOD because nobody ever portrays Spock as ‘one of Kirk’s conquests’ (sorry for that) but this one does and IT HURTS SO BAD but it’s short enough so you won’t die but..wow..

E//  Rose Hips and Vulcan Lips PWP with FLUFF, married Spirk, Spock is cold, there’s Kirk’s mom in the house while the two dorks go warm up in the shower and do nasty things, anyway: "Spock...Only you could stand there, naked, in the shower, with soapy water running down your chest and that big, thick hard-on poking out at me, talking about plants with vitamin C. And I love you for it." :>> i want marriage like that.

Spock/McCoy

T// Questions, Questions Brilliantly in-character fic about Spock being forced to answer very personal questions to McCoy as a part of the physical. M// The Sample is a sequel to Questions, Questions, where Spock must deliver semen sample for McCoy. He is failing, and asks for help. I will read these for the rest of my life.

E// Aegri Somnia Spock and McCoy are stranded on a planet and fight for their life. PERFECT food for hurt/comfort lovers. Contains horror atmosphere, very naturalistic description, love confessions & cuddles. What’s not to love.

E// I have enough Huge hurt/comfort. I have a thing for depressed!Bones and this one suffers all included (alcohol, secret love for Spock, self-harm..) But don’t worry, he gets the comfort he deserves.

T// Nothing By Halves This is mostly for the nice idea. All I can tell you is copy the description and my favourite quote summing it up: “McCoy wishes he could talk to Spock's human half. After a transporter malfunction, he can.” And: “It wasn't your human half I needed to get through to, or the Vulcan. It was just you.” I’m crying.

E// What happens in Vegas Can be AOS too. Crack-ish. This was lot of fun. Well, the first part looked more promising. Somehow I thought it would be better if they slept together sooner, when it was still kind of taboo, you know what I mean? It turned too sugary for me which seems to by my frequent problem but still adorable and fun fic!

Spock/Kirk/McCoy

E// Always watching You - “An asexual but not aromantic Spock contemplates his relationship with Jim and Leonard.” Exceptional fic.

E// Unbearable “As McCoy struggles with holding Spock’s katra, he finds himself stuck in the middle of a relationship between his best friend and a dead man.” How bittersweet.

E// Get the party started (if it works for all parties involved) PWP-ish. “Jim caught Bones calling Jim's and Spock's name in his 'self-loving' time. Jim's solution? Phone Spock. While Bones's still at it so Spock could hear it first-hand, of course.” Wohoooo! Voyeurism is my weakness trope.

E// Beautiful Liar “McCoy reveals hidden feelings for Spock after accidental contact with his mind. He doesn't know Kirk and Spock are lovers, so Jim lies to him.” This is actually kinda sad? But not exactly angsty. 

________________________

AOS

Spock/Kirk

M// The Exchange Student Teenage Spirk AU. Jim is abused by his step-father, Spock, the exchange student comes to his rescue. Hurt/comfort, so fluffy, SO beautiful!

E// Gift An AU, takes place on xenophoibic Vulcan; Spock finds a young human and decides to keep him. I love how they grow up together and develop an unhealthy addiction to each other. However it gets a bit angsty at the end and I’m unsure how the ending makes me feel. 

E// Papers in the Roadside AU. Jim owns a bar and Spock is a mysterious journalist who makes him lose his mind. This story has flawless atmosphere and slow development. It is essential.

E// Educated Differences A standard 21. century university AU where Jim and Spock are put as roommates and I don’t think I even need to comment this.

T// Mayday, My Darling Very realistic fic about Spock getting drug-addicted. I don’t usually enjoy established relationship but THIS is perfection! Tags speak for it all. 

T// Subtext Jim has a crush on Spock, he misses him and regrettably end up trying to pick him through texting. Very enjoyable ‘texting’ fic (mostly.) Also funny and fluffy!

E// Tray Tables and Seatbelt Signs AU. You ever heard of Mile High Club? No? You will now. Spock is hot flight attendant and Jim a very annoying and needy passenger. Bonus: best description of Bones&Jim friendship ever.

E// In time AU. Kirk’s mother leaves to space for years and emplys Spock as her son’s ‘caretaker.’ Now, I know how difficult it is to characterise a child/teenager well but this author took my breath away. Jim's development feels 110% real and the relationship of him and Spock over THE YEARS is developing perfectly, it's balanced, flowing ideally fast. Lot of mutual pinning, slow-build, hurty comforty this is SO GOOOOOD and pure.

T// Stacks AU. Librarian!Jim and cadet!Spock. What I liked about this one is that Kirk was so pure, contrary to other AOS fics. As a librarian, interested in a regular Vulcan guest, he has this really nice character vibe. And he doesn't think it's creepy when Spock makes awkward sexual propositions and just goes with it because he actually respects him for once. 

E// The third wheel Academy AU. Awh yes, another fandiction that I simply devoured at once. Spock is a professor who calmly dates around with cadet Uhura but Jim is an annoying bastard who decides to steal Uhura from him, however he ends up falling in love with Spock and stealing him instead. Spock is succumbing hopelessly and adorably, god. 

M// The Fountain AU. “Somehow, Jim thought the brothel would be different—big and beautiful. Not like this, with just one broken Vulcan.” What can I say? Jim rescues Spock from where he certainly doesn’t belong. Hurt/comfort is my oxygen. Bones making important and appreciated appearance as well!

M// A Kingdom to Come Fairy-tale AU.  “Jim has been ordered by his mother, Queen Winona of Terra, to marry crown princess T'Pring of Vulcan. He intends to do no such thing.” Who doesn’t need a kingdom-set fic once in their life? I tell you, this is better than you think, do give it a try. I could not stop until I finished. Pure gold.

T// Mother, why Kirk is a waiter and Spock was arranged an outrageous blind date with Gary Mitchell in the restaurant. Jim manages to be the only pleasant thing on the date. Pity for the happy but open ending.

E// Muddy Waters Uni AU. I’m not sure about this one. I know I really loved the beginning, or half of it and then again I was deeply disappointed and dropped it. But in this fic Spock is a human but has ‘Vulcan syndrome’ or something so he looks like a vulcan so that was pretty cool I think.

E// Creep College AU. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read this at first but I am glad I did!! It was very good! The characters were given their names because their parents were Star Trek fans and stuff?? So they are in the Star Trek fandom?  Kirk is in love with a ff writer while dealing with this creepy classmate at school. Well, as the author says:  “ One story, two storylines, one love.”

Spock/Kirk/McCoy

E// Called You Friend This is not a fanfiction, this is PURE ART. This is so imaginative, various, makes you feel things. You have to read bit between the lines to follow the plot but this is just beautiful.

McKirk

E// Life is Just a Bowl Full of Peaches ??? AU. I don’t even know why I saved this one but I knew I could regret it?? Crack-ish, maybe? McCoy is a single parent countryman and he is online dating Jim, thinking he's a GIRL. I don't know. Just. It’s fun but it’s also like nice? I don’t know if I finished but I definitelly enjoyed the beginning.

T// Subtlety Cute Cofee shop AU! Too bad it isn’t longer.

#star trek #fanfiction #rec #rec list #recommendations #spirk #spones #mcspirk #mckirk #james t kirk #spock #bones #leonard #mccoy #fic #tos #aos #slash