#not only that but it also makes me so angry to see these stop asian hate posters when no one actually stuck up for me on the train while | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neuroticbookworm · 3 months

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Another Thai BL, another Asian parent-child conflict that enrages the audience and yet, is extremely nuanced. I’m gonna try and speak on it as an Asian kid who grew up in the East, but currently lives in the West, carrying complicated feelings on the Asian parenting I received.

I’m seeing a good discourse in the tags from @lurkingshan, @respectthepetty, @bengiyo, @heretherebedork and @williamrikers, among others, on the hypocrisy of a dad who hit his son in anger and is now lecturing him on the importance of controlling one’s actions when angry. I agree with everyone that the dad is being a hypocritical piece of shit. But I do not think that this is a failure in the writing of the show. Quite the opposite, actually. Because of how Ten responds and acts in the face of this hypocrisy.

Ten comes across as belligerent and confrontational in every interaction he has had with his dad, but it is never uncalled for, and he never seeks it out himself. He tries to stay out of his dad and his stepmom/his dad’s girlfriend’s way as much as possible, and only responds in a defensive manner when provoked. And in today’s episode, he even kept himself open enough in the conversation with his dad, despite his anger, to concede and accept a very good point when raised. Ten understands his dad’s hypocrisy but refuses to stoop to the same level of pettiness because he knows being a good partner and a good friend is more important than being right. This is a mark of excellent writing, in my opinion. The main character is fiercely loyal to his partner and his friends and does not let his baggage with his dad cloud his course of action.

I also see calls for an apology from the dad already brewing in the fandom. And I understand the instinct to want that. It is always so satisfying when mistreated children finally get the apology that’s been long overdue. But it’s rarely this simple in an Asian household. Times are changing faster than most people can in a lifetime, and there are systemic, cultural flaws in how an Asian society understands and teaches parenting. And if we factor in the social, economic, religious lines that heavily influence how an Asian person forms their social circle, it would’ve left these parents with little to no peers who can tell them what they’re doing is wrong. Parents striking their kids is clearly considered evil nowadays, but only a few years ago, it would’ve been a perfectly acceptable response to control a bratty child, on and off screen (and it still is in some Asian cultures).

Now, NONE of what I said above is an excuse to write off the behavior of Ten’s dad as acceptable, just because it’s very Asian. As an Asian who grew up in the East, the demand for an apology does not particularly resonate with me, because Ten and his dad both know that their problems are not gonna go away as soon as Ten’s dad apologizes. Because:

If Ten starts demanding an apology for every shitty thing his dad has ever done, where should he stop? Should he demand an apology for the time his dad probably struck him as a kid when he was trying to get him to memorize multiplication tables, as is wont of every Asian parent ever (it is such an ubiquitous experience to Asian kids everywhere that there are reels with millions of views on IG, referencing this experience. Does this mean every Asian parent is evil and must be put on trial by their kids? Holy moly, think of all the money therapists would make if every Asian kid in the world decided to call out their parents on their shit. Entire economies would crumble to dust from the sudden disruption in cashflow.)

Is an apology going to comfort Ten? Asian parenting warps the sense of self of both the parents and the kids, because of the levels of abject sacrifice involved in it. It is extremely possible that Ten’s dad had worked day and night to provide well for his family, for his son, before Ten’s mom fell ill. It’s the same choice he made for his wife, but in this case, it paid off, because now Ten is financially well taken care of, and he is privileged enough to pursue a career in medicine. If Ten demands an apology from his dad for not being there when his mom was dying, do we know for sure that when he gets that apology, his mind won’t conflate the sacrifices his dad made for him, thus making him feel guilty for forcing someone who clearly cared about him enough to work hard for him, into defeat (look at this rich soup of Asian parenting misery, yum yum yum. I know it’s delicious because I’m paying my therapist weekly to make the broth less spicy).

The dialogue in the show whenever Ten’s mom is brought up and discussed is always very carefully worded:

Not “because you did not act”, but “because you took so long to act”. Looks like Ten’s dad made a choice that ultimately did not pay off. He cared, and he wanted to do something to save his wife, but whatever he chose to do ultimately did not help. And now she is dead and he has managed to not help and comfort his wife in her final days AND unwittingly traumatize his son with his absence. The show has painted this storyline with enough nuance that I don’t believe we are meant to read Ten’s dad as a simple villain, but rather a father who does care but has made some serious mistakes. This situation is so emotionally complicated and realistically, it’s gonna take years for both of them to find a middle ground. Ten is gonna have to grow up and make a few mistakes of his own in life to develop proper empathy for his dad, and that’s gonna put a couple things into perspective for him (I’m not saying Ten is bound to make mistakes because he is bad. He is going to because shit happens in life and human beings always do better in hindsight than in the moment). And the dad is gonna have to grow old and let his aging body humble him a little and shrink his ego enough to see that he had failed his son by not being emotionally available to deal with their trauma, together.

I’ve been watching Kim’s Convenience, a Canadian sitcom that follows a Korean-Canadian family and their shenanigans. I’m only on S04E02, but there is a father-son conflict at the centre of this show that is still not directly addressed by both the dad and the son. It’s been years (almost a decade, I think) since the son has been driven out of his home by his dad for a dumb mistake he made as a teen. And the way the show works on it is so infuriating, because it is so Asian. It is rarely addressed aloud in the presence of the dad or the son, lest it leads to anger and screaming and storming off. The path to reconciliation is built with mom calling her son for help to fix something in their home because his dad is too stubborn to ask for it. With the son visiting the hospital when the dad had to undergo surgery, and having their first real conversation in years which the dad forgets after waking up from the influence of pain drugs. With the daughter’s old phone passed down to the dad with her brother’s number on it, which leads to them texting each other. It is all extra frustrating for me because I’m extremely straightforward in my conversations with my parents. I do not like ambiguous endings to verbal conflicts because they are a ticking time bomb and I do not have the capacity to forget its existence and let it tick away in the background. But, I understand it when my friends, and Asian characters in TV shows, don’t want to force things out in the open if it can be swept under the rug for the time being, because peace of mind in Asian households is fleeting and you would be wise to take what you get.

Good TV shows can best serve their audience when they serve their characters, and stay true to the experiences of the people they are trying to represent. My teen ass was regularly shocked, appalled and intrigued by the sexual liberation promised by Western media I consumed while I was in school and college. I was surrounded by a sexually repressed society that was convinced that the only moral way to enjoy pleasure was after marriage with your partner. And very predictably, this means a lot of dead bedrooms, unhappy marriages and kids growing up with no real understanding of what romantic love looks like. I would’ve never had the courage to move my entire life to the West, if the Western media I watched had not represented its people in all their messy, horny glory, albeit with a rose-tinted lens on gender, race and sexuality.

Some Asian parents in media need to fall at the feet of their children and apologize. I remember being absolutely fucking enraged while @lurkingshan and I watched Double Savage at the behest of our friend @waitmyturtles, and in the finale, Korn was the one who fell at the feet of his absolute piece of shit of a dad to apologize for FUCKING NOTHING. And after Shan and I were done surviving that show, I remember telling my friends that most Asian media does not have strong writing whenever Asian children need to defy their shitty parents and come to terms with their destructive parenting, because chances are, most Asian creators would not have successfully done it. Hence, intergenerational trauma (gasp! It’s all connected!).

So. I would never demand to see Ten’s dad apologize to him to consider Cooking Crush a successful show, because that is not the cultural context this story operates in. Would I enjoy it if he does? Hell yes. Would I be mad if he does not? No, because Ten is proving him wrong time and again, and that’s a constant reminder from the narrative of who is in the right.

#cooking crush #cooking crush meta #off jumpol #gun atthaphan #tenprem #thai bl

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mikelogan · 2 months

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Color Reference Guide to Recognize & Avoid Whitewashing by mihareth How to Spot and Stop Whitewashing POC in Edits by augustds Don't Whitewash Me: A Guide to Coloring POC (Pastel & Pale) by mohanas How to Fix Orange-washed Characters by aubrey-plaza How To: Coloring East and Southeast Asian Celebs by blueshelp POC Coloring Tutorials Tag by gifmakerresource

Please share any other resources you might have in the replies or tag @gifmakerresource!

DISCLAIMER: I am white and in no way do I wish to speak for or over people of color. If anything here is offensive, incorrect, or nonsensical, please let me know and I will remove it and do better moving forward.

When I first started making gifs again last year, I didn't really know about whitewashing. It was a concept I'd definitely heard of and I knew what it was, but I didn't think about it in the context of gifmaking. Since becoming part of a couple gifmaking networks and starting my own resource blog, it's something that I am now very conscious of. I will periodically ask for opinions on my coloring when people of color are in the gifs and I've learned so much from doing so! I genuinely cannot recommend networks like PSCentral and LGBTQCreators enough. Everyone is so kind and helpful and being part of them has only served to better my gifmaking.

I have always liked to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe the best of them until I'm proven otherwise. I know not everyone feels this way, but especially since my personal experience was borne out of ignorance rather than malice. When I see colorwashed gifs, I want to believe (or hope) that OP just isn't aware, the same as I was. But ignorance also isn't an excuse. If someone points out to you that your coloring has whitewashed or otherwise colorwashed a person of color, you should take that and adjust your coloring as necessary, removing the original post. The resources listed above have been instrumental in helping me keep skintones realistic and true to life. There are, I'm sure, many more tutorials out there that discuss this topic. It is on you to take the initiative to learn, not on the person educating you. If being told you've white/colorwashed someone makes you angry, I would urge you to ask yourself why.

As always, please be kind to one another.

#my polls #polls #tumblr polls #gif tutorial #whitewashing #colorwashing #gifmaking #gifmakerresource

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onegianthotmess · 2 months

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Since you write for RE8 can I ask for Donna, Heisenberg and Lady D with an gender neutral S/O thats like asian and gets triggered by like shoes inside the house, unwashed rice, zero cooperation, and basically all the sterotypical asian stuff (bc its true for me😭)

If you make little HCs or fics is fine

Of course I can, sweetie! But, I would like to note that I am American so I may not get a lot of the cultural pet peeves right, but I will try my best! Also I am very sorry if I kept you waiting for long, this is my first ask and I’m not in the habit of checking my ask box, but thank you for being patient with me!

Lady Dimitrescu

Our favorite sugar mommy is first!!!

Pretty much, you worked in the castle when you first met the lovely Lady Alcina Dimitrescu and it took a little while before she basically told you she loved you and that she wanted you to be hers and to be yours in return

And you accepted obviously because, HELLO, IT’S ALCINA FUCKING DIMITRESCU

THE BEST SUGAR MOMMY AROUND!!!

Anyways, she never noticed your cultural pet peeves until you moved in with her and her daughters

You grew up in a very stereotypical Asian home and your mama didn’t raise no doormat bitch

It all started with the shoes

The girls just came back from chasing down a man who was trespassing and they only made it two steps in before they were stopped by you demanding they take their shoes off

Cassandra was the one who argued the most, saying your demand was stupid and pointless while her sisters were grumbling in agreement

And Cassandra, who was talking with her hands, yelped when you pulled a broom from the literal void and whacked her hands with the broomstick

You began scolding her for talking back to an elder, despite her being immortal, and threatening to get the slipper if she kept talking back and didn’t take off her shoes

You were glaring down Bela and Daniela with the same sort of angry mom glare that you were giving Cassandra, which scared them even more than when they’ve seen their mother angry

Needless to say, within five minutes the girls took off their shoes and set them aside neatly before apologizing and going to their rooms to clean up, per your request

And while all of this happened, Alcina was standing off to the side bewildered by your behavior towards shoes on in the house

You turned to see her standing there and asked her to take her outside shoes off if she was wearing any and to put on some slippers

And Alcina did as you said because she did not want to make you angry

And that was just the start

One evening Alcina was annoyed at all of the noise in the kitchen and went to investigate because she was trying to get some reading in before dinner only to find you yelling at the cooking staff as you threw out a batch of cooked rice and began to start a new one

You were yelling in your native tongue angrily, which you’d been teaching Alcina a few basic words in, and she could make out a few words like “rice” and “wash” and “incompetent” directed towards the staff

And so the cooks left you alone as you grumbled and washed the rice before cooking it properly and glaring at the staff before you exited the kitchen

And apparently, from what Alcina heard from the cooks, you did this when you were working as part of the castle staff

When she asked you about it when you cooled off, you just told Alcina that it was the only way to have rice and that if you didn’t wash your rice, you were a fucking heathen

And Alcina just nodded before she went back to her book she was reading because there was no arguing with you on rice, apparently

There was also one more incident that really stuck out to Alcina and that was when you took her to the market as a sort of calm date idea

But it was anything but calm as you were yelling at a vendor at how overpriced their products were

You spent a good hour or two arguing with the salesperson before you left with what you’d wanted at just a quarter of the original price that was set

You did the same with a couple more vendors that had good things to sell at too high of prices in your opinion and it honestly entertained Alcina to no end

She stood there quietly, a fond and amused smile on her face as she watched you argue and negotiate items down to quarter their original price with vendors and salespeople

You were one of, if not the most, unrelenting and stubborn people Alcina had ever met and she found it cute and admirable

And she appreciates you instigating the rule of only wearing slippers while inside because she’d never felt that much comfort while walking around her own home without going barefoot

Donna Beneviento

Our lovely shy lady! I love her!!

Okay, so she hired you as help so you could help her clean her very large house because it was a lot for her to manage on her own, especially when she had so many dolls to make

And it took quite a while, but you managed to catch the shy lady’s heart and she eventually asked you to move in either her so you wouldn’t be far

Well, it was more like Angie was begging you to move your shit into the house while Donna was trying to get her to ask nicely

Anyways, once you were all settled and Donna developed a cuddling habit while you two slept in the same bed together as insisted by Angie, the lovely Lady Beneviento noticed a few things about you

For example, one day when she was coming back in from gardening, you stopped her at the front door and asked her to take off her shoes

When she asked you why, you answered by telling her that it would keep the floors clean and not make them need so much cleaning if she took off her outside shoes and wore indoor only slippers around the house

While it was confusing to Donna, she saw that you were holding back and trying your best to be gentle with her because you knew yelling didn’t go over well with her, so she took off her shoes and laid them neatly by the door and put on some house slippers you gave her

And, if she was being honest, she’d never been more comfortable walking around her own home

Where did you get these amazingly comfortable slippers?

She’ll never know, but she did find you arguing with Angie about the shoe thing as well since she was also out in the garden with Donna

Angie argued with you for about an hour before you pulled out a sandal from the literal fucking void and told the doll to take off her shoes and put on her slippers or you’d use that sandal

Needless to say, Angie quickly did as you were told and you moved onto the other dolls, who occasionally went out with Donna

There was also another incident during dinner one night

Donna was cooking a dish that you taught her to make and just as she was about to start cooking the rice, you walked into the room and screamed

Before Donna could turn to see you, you quickly snatched the rice from her hands and took it to the sink to wash it

Donna was stunned, but let you wash the rice as you seemed to be both annoyed and in a state of internal panic

Once you finished washing the rice and put it on to cook, you took a breath and explained to Donna that washing rice was very important and you asked her to never cook with unwashed rice ever again, especially not in front of you

Wordlessly she nodded, asked if there were any other rules to cooking the meal and listened as you explained some of the instructions she didn’t understand quite well

Eventually, you had to go into town to get some basic food supplies for the week and Donna actually went with you for once

Because one, she wanted to spend more time with you, and two, she’d seen you come back with far too many things for one person to carry themselves and she wanted to help you carry them

And, much to Angie’s displeasure, Angie had to be left at home as to not scare the villagers and cause unnecessary chaos

And Donna was not prepared for the side of you that came out while shopping in the market

Every time you walked over to a vendor or salesperson selling something, you argued that the price was outrageously high and negotiated beyond belief

Donna just stood want watched in shock and slight awe at you as you negotiated items down to a third or even a quarter of their original price

Your skills were impressive, but you also being slightly intimidating while yelling in your native tongue helped as well

The sandal threat was also on the table if you didn’t get your discount

Even when Donna said that you didn’t have to negotiate prices down since it wasn’t like she was hurting for money, you instantly said that the things in the market were always overpriced and you intended to pay a reasonable price for your vegetables without having to sell a kidney

Knowing you were even more stubborn than a bull, Donna let you shop the way you were taught to like nature intended

If Donna was honest, she found the sight of you shopping and yelling at people that their prices were far too high amusing and almost laughed

Almost because she’s still far too shy to make a sound in public, you’re very lucky she even agreed to leave the house past the garden

But that’s okay, you still love her!

Karl Heisenberg

THE CULTURE SECTION OF MY GERMAN CLASS IS COMING IN HANDY, FOLKS-

Well, he’s German, you’re Asian

Needless to say, you’re both damn stubborn

You both grew up in stereotypical and traditional houses of your respective cultures and, like I said in Alcina’s section, your mother didn’t raise no doormat bitch and neither did Karl’s

So, you were originally hired to be his assistant of sorts because he needed a bit more help around his factory

And eventually you both wormed your ways into the other’s heart and you found yourself living with Karl in his factory

And needless to say, you both had habits and cultural customs that you both insisted on carrying out

One of the first ones you showed was the shoes thing

There was a separate section of the factory that was more like a living quarters for you and Karl and you prided yourself on keeping it clean

So when Karl tried to walk in with his regular greasy and dirty boots on, you stopped him in his tracks and ordered him to take his shoes off and put on some slippers instead

And cue the argument you two began to have about shoes in the home area of the factory that lasted about thirty minutes to an hour

Eventually, Karl did agree to your shoes rule only if you wore a scarf every time you felt you were getting ill, as is a common home remedy in Germany

You both were grumbling about the new rules, but you both eventually got used to them and it became habit

And everything became as calm as it could get for a nice while

But that was before the Rice Incident™

You and Karl were making dinner together because you two enjoyed at home cooking dates and you nearly stabbed him with the knife you were holding when you saw him about to put unwashed rice on to cook

But you instead smacked him with a wooden spoon laying nearby and scolded him in your native tongue as you snatched the rice from him and took it to the sink to wash it

And he looked at you like you were fucking insane, but he didn’t want to fight because he was hungry and the food was going to be cooked anyways, so he just rolled his eyes and moved on to another task

The real fight happened when you tried to spice up the food and Karl stopped you

Traditionally, German food is quite bland and salt and pepper are usually the main seasonings

Paprika is a bit of a stretch in German cuisine-

So, needless to say, Karl isn’t a big fan of spice and would rather not have his tongue burnt off tonight

And the two of you were arguing about spices or about ten minutes before you agreed to leave out the spices until you could add them to your own serving

Food arguments were a regular occurrence between you two, especially when you almost had Weißwurst after noon AND with the skin on

Karl was so disgusted that day that he actually spent time with Alcina in her home voluntarily so he could cool off

But, one culture shock/difference between you two that Karl loves is how you shop

The way you yell about prices being too high and negotiating your way to paying only a quarter, maybe even an eighth, of the cost of just some produce makes him laugh

Karl will start laughing out loud when you really get into the argument, yelling in your native tongue and pulling a sandal out from your bag you had with you as a threat

It was hilarious to Karl, but also the tiniest bit terrifying since he knew how you could turn a sandal into a murder weapon if you were pushed hard enough

All in all, Karl does love you and your stubborn self, even if it causes both of your bull headed asses to butt heads sometimes!

So I’d like to ask; how’d I do? And please be honest with me! I hope I got everything right and it was enjoyable for you! Also, you’re welcome for the tiny sprinklings of German culture in Karl’s section, with my knowledge being curtesy of my German class!!

I hope you enjoyed and please do have a peachy day, good hoomans!!!

#resident evil #re8 #resident evil village #lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #donna beneviento #karl heisenberg

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lixiehugs · 1 year

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fanmade video : moments when nct were caring and protective of mila!!

warnings : mentions of eating disorders.

a/n : hello!! welcome to my once-a-year upload piece /hj!! i say this every time i come back, but this time i feel like i might actually start writing more. i have so many writings i have been sitting on for my girlies (esp mila), and i am dying to share them!! please wait for me!!

a/n : im not even gonna lie i kinda ate with this photo like💅🏻 (JUST IGNORE HER HAIR PLEASE😭)

"hello, everyone, and welcome back to another video on my channel! this episode will be none other than the boys of nct taking care of our producer, mila!! not to be confused with mila taking care of the boys, however (which will be a future video). these are some of the sweetest moments where mila didn't have her angry protection face on<3 enjoy the video!!"

when the boys give mila their jackets🥹

so, we all know how much mila hates puffer jackets.

like, she will do ANYTHING to get out of wearing a puffer jacket.

except when it is for a photo shoot, then she remains our professional queen🥰

but mila would rather wear like 7 layers instead of a puffer jacket bc she is so stubborn😭

like same but is it really worth it girl???

and my gal is out here in like 4°c in her leather jacket and a hoodie trying to convince the guys that she isn't cold like

MISS MA'AM WE CAN SEE YOUR BREATH?? YOUR TEETH ARE CHATTERING???

i just know that taeyong begs her to put on a heavier jacket every day, but she never does

but on this day, mila said that she thought it wasn't that cold so she thought that her leather jacket would be okay.

turns out it was not!! she was freezing because it got breezy.

most of the other boys were fine with the temperature, even having their jackets unzipped

but when they saw mila getting out of the van clutching her already zipped jacket around herself, practically trying to hide in her coat, they all went 😦😦

jeno, renjun, mark, haechan, and jaemin all came running to her with their coats😭 (jisung and chenle were cold)

she laughed and tried to play it off like she wasn't that cold, even going as far to let her hands poke out of her sleeves and let go of her tight grip on her jacket, but as soon as she did, she was wincing at the cold and looking at her members for help

without hesitation, jeno shrugged his jacket over her shoulders and zipped it up.

jaemin then tried to zip it up fully and have her put her hood up, but mila stopped him because she knew she could not take pictures like that.

basically, mila is never going to be that cold again!! not on the dreamies' watch😡

making sure mila has something to eat🥹

mila has said this herself, i'm not hating!! but she is a PICKY EATER.

like PICKY PICKY

mila said that when she first moved to korea, she would only eat "white people food" because it's all she was used to.

"i only started using the flavorings of the ramen packs after living here for like 6 months"💀

she said that she didn't even feel asian because she hated all the food and didn't know how to use chopsticks🤧

but!! that was a while ago, and mila has gotten so much better!!

as a picky eater myself, i know how hard it is to go out of your comfort zone with food.

just the fact that when she was a trainee, she would have to make her own food and take that with her whenever the boys wanted to go out makes me want to cryyyyy

but now she likes enough foods to go out with them🥹

anyways, back to the situation at hand;

in episode 2 of chillin' in the dream 8lace, when mark and jeno get the punishment of having to cook for the rest of the members, they wanted to make bibimmyeon. when jaemin came into the kitchen to help them (and also to make sure they didn't burn the kitchen down), mark asked if mila would eat bibimmyeon, to which jaemin says "yes, she will"

this is because mila used to hate bibimmyeon!! fun fact~

this situation also happened in the beginning of the 6th episode.

the boys who were awake wanted tuna and mayo fried rice (which needs fried eggs) for breakfast, and jaemin, being the angel he is, remembered that mila didn't like tuna and mayo fried rice. so, when mark asked for jaemin to scramble some eggs for him, he easily decided to make some for mila<3

when jeno stopped her from tripping

this was kind of a shock for everyone imo??

like, it's not CRAZY or anything, i just have never seen mila have any other problems walking in heels before.

but whatever, she still slayed💅🏻

anyways, at the 2020 asia artist awards, nct dream won the award for best emotive award - music.

all 8 of them stood up and walked up the stairs to the stage. though the order left mila and jeno at the back of the line.

they were all wearing matching black suits, except that mila was wearing 6 INCH HEELS instead of normal dress shoes like the guys were.

and these were like STILETTOS!! super hard to walk in for no reason

now we all know that mila can walk in heels. we've seen her slay in some stilettos in the past.

but, that does not take away from the fact that mila has said on many different occasions that she does not like wearing heels.

now, since she already doesn't like them, why on earth would the staff put her in 6 INCH STILETTOS?????? makes no sense

anyway, as she was stepping up onto the stairs, she stumbled and almost fell backwards into jeno.

jeno, of course, being the gentleman he is, caught her gently by her waist and quickly got her back onto her feet. he then made sure she was steady up the stairs by holding his hand.

once they were at the top of the 5 or so steps, he linked their arms together and walked with the rest of the group to the award presenter.

once they finished that and went back to their seats, mila and jeno were also at the end of the line because they knew mila would need a bit longer to go down the steps.

jeno went in front of her and held her hand down the stairs so she wouldn't fall 🫶🏻

haechan getting mad about mila's sasaeng

woo, this one is already making me mad, and i haven't even written anything yet😡

so, mila's infamous evil sasaeng. the one that broke into the dream dorm and attacked mila while the members were sleeping. (a/n : there will be a fic in detail on this soon!!)

not much is known in detail about this incident. all we have is the account of the sasaeng herself and the statements that have been made by SM and the members.

but what we do know is that there was a big change in how the members treated her after this happened.

there was also a big change in mila.

mila went from being happy and giddy to being quiet and reserved for the first time in a while. this was not too long after her nct2018 hardships as well, so that made everyone even more angry as it seemed like she could never catch a break.

the members, most noticeably the dreamies, all became more cold for lack of a better word.

they would go outside and have this slight look of betrayal on their faces. they would not be as happy or smiley, they would tell less jokes.

everyone was just upset.

however, haechan was arguably one of the most upset ones.

as we know, haechan is mila's roommate in the 127 dorm. but, mila also has her own room in the dream dorm, which is why she constantly moves around and splits her time between the 2 dorms. mila has said that she stays at the dream dorm more often when she does not have promotions because she likes it better over there and she likes having her own room.

so having her personal space and safety violated like this in the place that she calls "home" is just disgusting to me.

haechan went on vlive a few days after the statements were released to talk about the situation.

"how is mila doing?" he reads before placing his phone down and covering his mouth with his hands while thinking about what to say. "she's okay. she's not great, but she's doing her best. she's been staying in the 127 dorm with us. she hasn't even gone over to the dream dorm since what happened." he pauses, looking down before taking a breath in. he looks back up at the camera with a low glare, not doing a good job at trying to hide it. "mila is afraid to sleep, hell, even be in her own dorm now because of you... i hope you are ashamed of the damage you have caused." he speaks bitterly, his words obviously directed at the sasaeng.

he ended the live not long after, giving a short message to please not wait outside their dorms anymore.

mila not having money on a show to buy ice cream, so doyoung and yuta buy it for her

just mila being the cutest once again, what do ya know.

everyone was buying treats and snacks on this nct life show but mila didn't have any money :((((

she was so excited to go into the store and get snacks, but then she just went 😯😕

she quickly tried to wipe off her frown and look around the store anyway, not wanting her members to think she was upset.

when everyone had finished picking out their snacks and were in line to purchase them, taeyong noticed that mila didn't have anything.

"mila, why aren't you getting anything?" he asks, a gentle smile on his face. johnny also listens for her response. "i don't have any money." she replies, shrugging. "aigoo, i'm sure we can get you something." he pats her shoulder before going up to yuta and doyoung at the front of the line, just behind taeil who was buying his items. "doyoungie, yuta~," he calls. "yes?" they answer. "do you mind buying some snacks for our miely? she doesn't have any money." the leader asks. their eyes widen. "of course!! you can get anything you want, mila!! just be quick!" yuta says, and they grin at her. she smiles and perks up. "okay!! thank you!" she says before quickly jogging back into the ice cream aisle and picking up an oreo cone, then she goes and gets some chocolate. she brings them up to the counter with yuta and doyoung's things. "you sure you don't want anything else?" doyoung asks. "no, this is okay." she smiles. they pay for it, and she is beaming on the way out.

they would do anything for her🥹❤️‍🩹

jaemin, jeno, and mark all being attentive when mila stands up because she gets dizzy

a/n : you're just going to have to imagine that it is mila sitting in the first photo with a member in front of her and that there is no skateboard in the second photo

nctzens have thought for a long time that mila is anemic.

this is due to mila's repeated mentionings that whenever she stands up or even sits up in some cases, she feels dizzy, gets tunnel vision, and gets black spots in her vision as well. she said that these are her most frequent symptoms, but they can get worse, including fainting and having her ears ring.

mila has never confirmed her having anemia. the last time she spoke of the rumors was back in 2021 where she said, "I'm not sure if i have anemia... my older sister has the same symptoms as me, but when she went to the doctor, she was told she didn't have anemia. what i can confirm is that i have low blood pressure. i'm not sure why, as high blood pressure actually runs in my family, but that has been present since i was a child. and i have talked to a doctor about this in the past, uh... orthostatic hypotension? that's what she said my symptoms sounded like. czennies, I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me but thank you for the concern!"

despite no definitive diagnosis for what happens to her, it doesn't stop the other members from caring for her well.

one key example of this happened in episode 6 of chillin' in the dream 8lace. mila was refusing to get up out of bed so jaemin went in to get her. he pulled her to stand up from where she was laying quite quickly, causing her to say, "ah, jaemin, jaem, jaem, slowly, slowly, slowly! i'm dizzy." quickly remembering her condition, jaemin stopped and helped her stand up slowly, allowing her to adjust, all while holding her hands in case she were to fall over.

though this was one instance that jaemin forgot about her condition, there have been many other clips of the boys watching her get up carefully.

most of the time it is subtle actions, such as the members simply keeping an eye on her or lending a hand out to keep her steady. they often let mila walk in front of them just to prevent the possibility of her falling with no one to catch her as she often tries to power through her dizziness, thus making her more dizzy.

renjun and chenle always being sweet and helpful when she tries to speak chinese

mila tries so hard to work on her chinese these days :(( i cry

like my gal speaks 2 languages like a NATIVE and then has borderline fluency in 2 MORE, and is still trying to learn 2 MORE

like gal 😭 i can barely speak my native language (i only speak one language)

she is such an overachiever and FOR WHYYYY

but i love her 🫶🏻

though she often ends up thanking the fans in english (when mark isn't there) and in japanese, once mila tried to thank them briefly in chinese!!

mila has said before that she used to study chinese quite a bit back in 2016 when she was really close with winwin and chenle, but since then, she became more focused on japanese and lost time to study it.

she has always said that chinese was really hard for her just because of dealing with the characters. this is why she is quite good at speaking chinese but not good at reading it!

however, we all know mila is quite emotive when presenting and giving speeches, so her tones often fluctuate with her words. this was another issue for mila as she struggled to remember the tones of the words and tried to keep her voice at a neutral level.

yet despite all of these struggles, mila had been giving a short thank you to their chinese fans at an award show when she stammered and forgot what she was saying.

though this is totally normal for a foreigner trying to speak another language, mila is always super prepared for foreign language speeches, so she was caught a little off-guard.

her face went a little red, and she apologized before turning around to chenle and renjun on her left.

they were both looking at her with the cutest and most loving smiles🥹

the crowd gave some encouraging cheers as mila spoke to them for only a few seconds before turning back to the microphone and finishing her speech like a champ🫶🏻

it's just so cute to me that renle + wayV taught mila all the chinese she knows and how she's still so good at it

and how proud of her they are🥹

we choose to forget when mila was first learning chinese and renjun told her he was teaching her how to introduce herself but she was really insulting herself😭

jeno allowing her to sleep on his shoulder comfortably

mila is such a HARDWORKER!!!!!

if you disagree, you're literally wrong.

she does not have credits on almost every SM release after 2017 fOR NOTHING

so, because of her tendency to overwork herself and prioritise work over sleep and her well-being, the boys are always the first people to let her sleep instead of waking her up if they need something.

it always pains them a little bit to wake her up, even if they are about to be late because they tried to let her sleep in.

basically, if mila is showing ANY signs of being tired (it could literally be rubbing her eyes), they boys are instantly: "PLEASE SLEEP"

so, when the dreamies were in a van going to a mystery location for a fun video, mila unsurprisingly, grew drowsy.

mila was sitting next to jeno in the backseat of this van, steadily growing more and more tired.

but knowing mila, she tried to keep herself awake, not letting herself lean on the window or on her hand. this lead to her dozing off while sitting straight up, her head bobbing down lightly.

jeno was looking at his phone, not paying attention to her.

until he saw her drooping head and was like 😶

he froze for a second before slowly and gently pressing mila's head down to his shoulder, sitting up a little bit so it would be more comfortable for her.

mila did not object. she was so fucking tired.

jeno was so proud of himself as he felt mila kinda relax into him and let more of her weight rest on his shoulder.

he looked up a little with a 😌 look on his face to see jaemin filming him with a grin.

no words are exchanged as jeno's smile grows, and jaemin chuckles quietly before showing a thumbs up to the camera.

jisung and renjun sharing their umbrellas with her

now, while i'm sure all of the members would share their umbrellas with mila under the circumstance that she did not have one, we only have video evidence and jisung and renjun doing so <3

so, on this day where it was raining as nct dream were going to a schedule, mila did not have an umbrella

sooo many fans tried to spin this as mila being mistreated by the staff since all of the boys had umbrellas until another clip was released of mila giving her umbrella to a staff member

the staff repeatedly shook her head and refused, wanting mila to keep it, but she did not accept no for an answer and smiled big when the staff finally accepted.

some bodyguards around quickly tried to cover mila's head with their hands to protect her from the rain, thus catching the attention of jisung and renjun.

they both quickly came over, pushing their umbrellas toward her and not on themselves

mila immediately pushed their umbrellas back over their own heads and shooed them away.

they didn't let up and kept trying to talk to her for a few seconds.

mila laughs lightly and goes next to renjun under his umbrella, leaving jisung with a slight pout on his face.

"you're too big to share an umbrella!" mila exclaims, causing them all to laugh. the rest of their dialogue could not be heard in the video, this was the only thing intelligible.

with content expressions, mila goes under renjun's umbrella and they both put arms around each other; mila's arm going around his waist and renjun's arm going over her shoulders as they walk the short distance to the building.

nct 127 following the sidewalk rule

since the newly publicised "sidewalk rule" on social media, nctzens have brought up all the times that they have preached this before its popularity.

it's not seen as often with nct dream as every time they try (usually renjun, jeno, & jisung), mila just pushes them off and doesn't move.

this leads the boy to be very 🤨😖 because this is what their hyungs taught them to do???? why is she not accepting this gesture that the hyungs do all the time????

so, the dreamies don't really do it anymore, they just keep a watchful eye when she likes to balance on the curb of a busy road.

127 and even wayV however, are a different story.

maybe it's because they're older, but mila always listens when they guide her over to the non-road side of a sidewalk.

sometimes she looks a little 🤨 when her arm gets tugged away, but then she realises where she's standing.

most commonly, the members dragging her away from the cars are taeyong, johnny, kun, xiaojun, and doyoung. but there have been times where ten, jaehyun, and jungwoo have done it.

in the back of many nct 127 videos, most notably the ones where they are exploring the usa, mila can be seen being ushered away from the road by one or two of the members above.

it's just super cute and makes all czennies swoon over the neos' politeness 😵‍💫

the dreamies comforting her when she tries to be strong🥹

this day is not to be confused with the 191117 dream show ending meant!!!

a/n : lmk if i should make something that says in detail what mila said in her ending ment on the 191117 show!!

this was the first of the three dream shows back to back (191115).

mila said her ment not long after jisung did, so she was already emotional when it got to her turn.

jisung was crying as he tried to say his ment, so mila was already sad because she went to comfort him.

now mila HATES seeing jisung cry because it almost always makes her cry with him, so she was hugging jisung (not photo) before her turn.

she had intended for her ment to go a different route, but when it was her turn to talk, she just kinda let her words take her, not following her originally planned direction.

"aw... it's only the first day of the dream show, and i'm already crying ㅠㅠ i thought i would at least be able to be calm on the first day. but because of jisung~~ he made me sad ☹️." there is a brief pause where mila just looks around at the crowd with stars in her eyes. "but really, i can't blame him..." she looks down and swallows thickly before looking back up and blinking back her tears. the other members make various noises of teasing and telling her not to cry, some even coming closer, but mila takes a step back and laughs, telling them to go away. "no, no, i'm okay. i just need a second..." she flaps her hands as a way of shooing them, obviously growing more uneasy, stressed, and upset. with a deep breath, she starts again. "the members don't know this but," she starts, gaining the attention of all the boys. "before the show started today, i was crying in the bathroom because i was worried that this would be the start of our last shows and they wouldn't be strong enough... and i can't help but feel like it's my fault because..." she looks down again, this time for longer as she tries to hold back her tears. she doesn't succeed. tears fall, and her breathing starts to turn into small gasps and hiccups. chenle and haechan both come closer to her, haechan saying "aigoo, mila-yah..." and chenle saying something like "no, that's not..." and mila just taking a step back and flapping her hands to get them not to touch her. she knows that if she lets them comfort her, she will start crying. she wants to finish her ment first. "because i have had big inputs on nct dream's music, and if it's coming to an end..." a particular gasp leaves her lips with a small cry that reaches the microphone, making the crowd whine. the boys come up to her again. she tries to push them away again, but not as much as before. "...then i must have done something wrong." she cries, a deep wail leaving her chest as her hands come to cover her face, muffling her gasps but still allowing them to be picked up by the microphone. the crowd goes quiet, save for the growing volume of whines and telling her that's not true. jaemin pulls her into him, and she wraps her arms around him tightly, her cries into him now being picked up by his mic. chenle, haechan, and jeno are all around them rubbing mila's back as renjun tries to talk while comforting jisung at the same time, who had grown emotional all over again by mila's words.

in less than 2 minutes, mila had pulled away, immediately being met by the faces of her members, presumably asking if she was okay, to which she nods. a tissue is given to her by haechan and she dabs her face clean of tears while fanning her face. chenle helps fan her face, as well.

she keeps the tissue in her hand to repeatedly wipe her running nose as the others continue talking. chenle stays next to her this whole time with his arm around her and his head on her shoulder.

when mila twitched in her sleep and yuta helped 🥹

a/n : you're just going to have to imagine that mila is sleeping in the second one and not on her phone :)

it is a somewhat well-known fact that during stressful times, mila twitches in her sleep.

this info is not from sasaengs btw!!! mila has said this herself along with the members🥰

mila has said that she has done this since she was a kid and it usually means that she is juuust on the edge of falling asleep but not actually asleep.

this is why she hates it.

her stress prevents her from falling asleep when she so desperately needs it.

she will be drifting until she twitches and then she's awake again ☹️

so, when nct 127 were getting ready for a favorite (vampire) stage, mila fell asleep on one of the dressing room sofas while waiting for her turn for her makeup and hair.

in the background of an nct 127 fun video (like in the dressing room) she was waiting on the couch patiently when yuta sat down after finishing his look. she casually laid her head in his lap, which was nothing unusual (as we all know how much she loves yuta🤭)

she scrolled on her phone for a bit, not paying attention to anything and not being bothered by the conversations of her members and the staff.

eventually, she plopped her phone next to her face on the couch and closed her eyes, not moving at all from her original position.

due to her lack of movement, yuta thought that she was still awake. this was until the twitching started. yuta knew what it meant when mila started twitching like this, so he took a quick look at her, saw she was sleeping and leaning back in his spot before bringing his free hand to her hair.

he knew how much mila LOVES having her hair played with and how much it calms her down.

he softly twirled the strands and gave her head a light massage, instantly stopping her twitching and allowing her to sleep calmly before getting ready.

when mila had to be woken up for her turn in the hair and makeup chair, yuta pleaded for her to go last so she could get some extra rest in 🥹

when it was really time, and she had to go, yuta woke her up gently with a pout, cooing at her tired face

mila collapsing on stage

as stated previously, we all know about mila's low blood pressure. this causes her to become dizzy, faint, etc.

but there is one more thing i have neglected to talk about as i do not want to interpret it incorrectly.

and that is mila's history with eating disorders.

everything i will say has already been said by mila herself, her members, or SM.

mila has always had problems not eating enough throughout her entire childhood due to her dedication to her craft(s).

when she was really young and did gymnastics and dance, she would often forget to eat and just do acrobatics the whole day.

this is extremely unhealthy and dangerous as both gymnastics and dance are very demanding sports and require lots of sustenance.

regardless, mila has managed to take care of herself up until around late 2017-early 2018.

mila said that due to a multitude of things that i will not be getting into right now, she spent all of her time working in the studio producing/writing music or perfecting routines, and working on singing/raps. at this time she also focused her remaining time on her studies for her end-of-high school exams.

mila said that during this point in her life, she felt "guilty" taking time out just for herself. she felt like she always needed to be doing something productive.

food did not fall into this category.

mila would sacrifice eating over completing her schoolwork and idol/producer duties.

this caused her to experience a lot of burnout and to faint often because of stress and malnutrition.

though since then, mila has recovered, and takes care of herself (according to her and the members), she still has times where she can revert slightly.

like i said, she has been somewhat this way since she was a child, so it is easy to forget.

one big example of this was in early 2020 after a kick it stage.

this was one of those prerecorded stages due to covid starting to affect the industry.

mila slayed the stage, giving her all and doing her absolute best. you could not notice anything wrong when she was performing.

but after the cameras cut, and all that was left was stuff that would not go on tv, mila collapsed.

she was stood in her ending position, waiting for all the cameras to cut. she wasn't really paying attention, but in the video, you could see just how fast she was breathing and that she was swaying slightly in her stance.

once the other members moved and began to bow to the staff, mila's knees just crumbled, and she fell.

she landed on her knees and hands, her hair covering her face as she heaved in air. then she slumped over kinda on her stomach but still on her knees and elbows.

the other members didn't do anything for a moment. it's unclear whether they didn't notice or if they thought she was just tired from the demanding routine.

the first member to go over to her was taeyong. he looked a little nervous and kinda speed-walked over to her.

he crouched down next to her and moved to look at her face, moving some of her hair out of the way.

none of what they are saying can be heard, so all that we can assume is that he was asking her if she was okay.

he gets her to sit up and holds both of her hands in his. her eyes are closed, and she's still breathing heavily, obviously still really tired.

he asks her something else, and she shakes her head weakly before starting to slump over again. taeyong looks around for a moment before standing halfway up and pulling mila up with him.

she picks her up bridal style with mila barely clinging onto him as he carries her offstage. her eyes are closed as he does this.

there was a lot of fan uproar at this. fans were attacking SM for making her work so hard and demanding to give her more rest.

there was no response or acknowledgement from SM, the nct members, or mila herself.

when mila fell asleep on vlive

this vlive is actually one of my favorites just because of this interaction!!

it's just so sweet!!!

so basically, mila was on vlive in her shared room with haechan at the 127 dorm.

this had been after a day of schedules (we don't know exactly what) and she was just chitchatting about what happened that day and some things she saw on social media.

this wasn't unusual as mila had been going live more recently when this happened.

mila did say that the schedule ran a little later that day and that she was tired but that she also wanted to stay up and talk with czennies <333.

however, about 25 mins into the live, mila had been laying on her bed with the phone leaning against her open laptop screen. her head was resting on her folded elbows as she read the comments and talked contently.

due to this position and her growing tiredness, it was not difficult for mila to fall asleep.

fans thought that she was just resting her eyes for a moment and that she was still awake until it had been like 2 minutes of pure silence.

then all the comments were mixtures of "omg is mila asleep???" and "she's so cute aaaaa" and "sm really needs to let her rest smh"

she had only been out for around 10 minutes when haechan came in.

they share this room, so it is not a surprise that he came in unannounced.

the door cannot be seen from the vlive, but it can be heard closing and footsteps getting closer.

haechan appears behind mila to the side and quietly says "aigoo, mila fell asleep with her laptop on, let's fix this for my twin, eh?" he then reaches for her hands to move them off the keyboard to close the laptop when he notices that her phone is actually on vlive😭. "oh! hello~~" he greets cutely, giving a wave as he picks up the phone. "thank you for watching over mila, czennies. i will take over and make sure that she sleeps well! goodnight!"

he then ends the live, and we can assume that he finished getting all her stuff away so she could sleep<3

afterwards, on twitter, haechan was trending for being a lovely caring member as he acted so sweet without even knowing that he was being recorded

johnny stopping mila from falling off stage

okayyyy, so we all know that mila isn't clumsy, as she loves to remind us, but she lowkey is (don't tell her i said that).

so what transpired, was during the singapore show on the neo city - the origin tour in 2019. the stage was kinda an upside-down T shape with a little B-stage at the end.

mila was not paying attention to anything other than nctzens <3.

during replay (am 1:27), mila was looking into the crowd, as she does, with that big smile on her face.

she was squinting a bit, trying to read some of the signs that fans had up while also trying to dance around at the same time.

she was at the part in the stage where the B-stage starts. at the corner, she was leaning over to look at something. she was standing on that lower platform next to the stage that looks like she's on stage, but she's not really on it, you know???

anyway, once she finished reading, she turned towards the catwalk again and quite literally STEPPED OFF THE FUCKING STAGE

and she says she's not clumsy😑

but THANK GOD johnny was coming to the B-stage and was at the end of the catwalk. he SNATCHED her up and carried her for a few seconds before putting her down in the middle of the B-stage, where he was sure she couldn't fall off.

he looked at her for a minute, hands on her shoulders as they talked. none of what they were saying was picked up by their microphones, so we don't know what they said🤷‍♀️

mila nodded at him, and they both walked back down the catwalk to the main stage with hands around each other. probably just johnny being extra cautious now😖

none of the other members seemed to notice (probably a good thing because you KNOW taeyong would have scolded her).

after the show, mila went on her bubble to respond to czennies.

"i fell off the stage? no i didn't!!!! you're lying!!!" she joked with lots of emojis. she thanked them for their concern and promised it wouldn't happen again <3.

renjun yelling at the sasaengs calling her😳

i do not want to be on renjun's bad side 😳😳😳😳

so this happened in late 2019 when mila, renjun, jeno, and jaemin were all doing a vlive together.

it's very similar to what happened to jeno on the 200114 vlive with renjun, chenle and jeno.

mila was trying to read the comments on their vlive on her phone but she couldn't because sasaengs kept calling her.

she didn't even bat an eye as she repeatedly swiped the calls away, declining them and going back to what she was trying to do.

but IT WAS CONSTANT!!!

this was like 30 calls in 2 minutes like GALLLLLL

with each call, you could see mila growing more and more irritated with her side eyes to the camera :(

it got really bad when she tried to show something to the camera, and she got a call, so she swiped it away and showed the camera again. then she got another call, swiped it away and tried to show her screen again. when she got a third call, renjun stood up and took her phone from her hand, saying "give it to me"

he walked out of frame and began yelling at the sasaeng (as he should 💅🏻)

mila looked at him like 😳😏😊 and then started talking really loudly to cover up what renjun was saying.

it's hard to make out, but renjun can be heard yelling at the sasaengs saying things like "stop calling mila or else i will report your number and press charges"

basically scary renjun

he came and sat back down like 😒 and mila smiled at him and gave him a side hug to express her gratefulness <3333

"i hope you all enjoyed this video!! please keep supporting nct and their activities! stay tuned for my next video! bye!!!"

219 notes · View notes

khepiari · 9 months

Text

Will Garp Return As Zombie? Spoilers for One Piece 1087+88

Few things before my deep dive:

I have no sympathy for Garp.

Koby, good job being the kind boy you are. You deserved a better world.

But, we all know, one good apple makes no difference when it’s left in the company of a rotten buffet.

Disappearance is not equal to final death

Pretty sure, Odachii is going to bring Garp back with a lost arm or a leg or lost soul in zombified form.

What I mean to say is—if Blackbeard got Gekko Moria’s powers or subjugated him to be his underling, Garp’s corpse will be a great addition to his arsenal.

It will be a great battle for Luffy, psychologically speaking. We all know he never got to sit and talk or punch and scream with Garp about the shared grief of losing Ace.

Only Garp knows what Luffy felt after losing his big brother, but Luffy doesn’t know what Garp felt after the death of a grandson he could’ve saved.

I am sure Luffy has been angry, and he would’ve definitely punched Garp until both were bleeding if they had a reunion but, Luffy would’ve never wanted his only family that he knew since his birth to die.

Now imagine the pain and grief and hurt he will have to overcome to fight his grandpa’s corpse.

It will pierce Luffy’s heart by 1000 cuts, because whatever chances of closure they had, it is no more.

The only hope from this battle for us as readers will be the last remaining consciousness of Garp’s body gaining some control, like how Victoria Cindry’s corpse did during the Thriller Bark Arc.

Since Garp has more will power, maybe he will apologize or ask Luffy to let go of his affection and end him. With that, the last of Luffy’s anger with for good, once Garp dies, and he embraces the fury of the sun god that resides in him; its final show down.

Because we know Blackbeard vs Luffy is going to be about Ace, but if it is about Ace and Garp, Luffy will have a really hard time winning. And most probably this fight will be part of the final war we have been building towards.

As my friend put:

“I can totally see Goda doing that. Luffy beats the crap out of his zombie grandpa, who with his dying breath gives Luffy the apology he’s been owed since Marineford.

And, because symmetry, he does it during the biggest war SINCE Marineford.

There’s also something horribly, appropriately Goda about the idea that Luffy’s first “kill” would be laying a zombie Garp to rest…”

Now time for Anti-Garp Hate Rant! You can stop reading

Yeah, bet your future on the corrupt institution that protects the scum of the world.

My thoughts after this panel.

I hope you rot in hell.

Hero my foot.

Don’t disappear. Just die.

Look, Monkey D Garp is a well written character! And trust me, I understand his position too well; his behaviour and actions are not new to me in fiction!

“Wise overpowered old men helping the wrong side” are very common in Indian/Asian Epics who have pulled similar bullshits in name of duty/justice/greater good. Who later get killed by trickery is everywhere, read Mahabharata or Ramayana, it is full of Garps.

But his decision to not help Ace escape but run after Koby all across the Grandline is enough to fuel my anger against him.

This panel Fuelled my rage further. As my friend put: "All lives are equal, except pirate lives, apparently."

Some argue Garp did everything to let Luffy get close to saving Ace on purpose. He did everything he legally could do. And if he saved Ace, the peace and protection his name brought to Windmill Village would be lost, and it would become the target of Pirates and Marines alike. Sounds plausible, but it's in the realm of speculation.

Old men in a position of power, refusing to intervene when they could’ve, have always used morally superior sounding arguments to get away from being held accountable.

Pushing Ace tragedy aside, If Garp was so strong why didn’t he stop Blackbeard when he had time?

He is no better than Bhishma Pitama from Mahabharata.

I am talking about the two years after Marineford.

What stopped him? He saw Blackbeard wield two DFs, did he and Sengoku only had the duty to protect Marineford? Why did he wait two years? Why didn’t he go after them himself?

Right after Marineford, he should’ve nipped evil in the bud by hunting down Blackbeard. What was holding him back then? The Grief of losing Ace still? Worry about missing Luffy?

Blackbeard is a Pirate, his enemy— who had two of the most powerful DFs in the world. What stopped him? Garp is the only one who could’ve fought because all he needed was Haki! What moral reasoning he had to not wreak havoc to stop this pirate?

Did World Government stop him because Blackbeard became a Yonko?

We now know how strong Garp is, so it was not a question of being injured after the war, we also know he cares not for permission or authority!

So why waste two years?

Only when his favourite student is kidnapped is when he felt the need to intervene.

If it's so-called sense of duty towards the future that made him bet his life on young navy; I am calling it bullshit.

I don’t care for whatever justification he has; if he could fight Blackbeard pirates head-on, he should’ve done it sooner and not let him gain so much power and let him terrorize the world.

I was really hoping that Blackbeard broke his spine. In the end, it's pathetic, he didn’t even die (not confirmed) at hands of Blackbeard.

How did his inaction help the powerless masses he swore to protect?

Who is Garp the hero supposed to represent? Isn’t it Justice? Who is he as a marine supposed to protect? Isn’t it the masses? Who is funding his salary? The taxes collected from masses.

In the end who is he serving?

The Gorosei and Celestial Dragons— yes, he hates them, but his indirect actions or refusal to fight them helped change nothing.

His inaction kept the status quo is intact!

Garp is nothing but a glorified a sell-out too! A poster boy of rebel with a good heart that Marine can capitalize for their propaganda.

You cannot change the world for better if you are part of the system that makes the world a bad place.

I hope he becomes a Zombie under Blackbeard!

#one piece #one piece 1088 #one piece spoilers #one piece manga #monkey d garp #one piece 1088 spoilers #op manga #op manga 1088 #one piece manga spoilers #one piece garp #vice admiral garp #garp the fist #garp one piece #I don’t like monkey d garp

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jewishbarbies · 2 months

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I didn't know about the antisemitism in hp because while I wasn't explicitly taught "this is antisemitic" I still learned those tropes. I just didn't know they they were tropes. The only thing I knew was nazi propaganda, because that was in textbooks. We didn't learn about everyday antisemitism. We didn't learn about the history of jews in any other country. And that doesn't excuse me or the school I went to. But I know better now, and I can look around and recognise certain tropes. But I can also recognise that jkr was hateful to so many different groups of people. Jews, the Irish, asian people, gay people, trans people, ironically women in general (Ginny Weasley in particular who only existed as a character for Harry to save and get married and have babies with) and women who like "girly" things (Lavender Brown deserved better.)

at this point, so much of pop culture is steeped in these antisemitic things (tropes, imagery, caricatures, etc.) and a lot of fantasy lore in some areas is just antisemitic to its core so while I’m angry I have to sift through the distressing nonsense, I try not to get angry at people who genuinely don’t understand. because you can spread antisemitism while not being an antisemite. the entirety of the witch aesthetic is stolen and twisted from jewish caricatures, antisemitic history, and practices appropriated from indigenous cultures - but that’s just The Witch now. same with goblins. that’s just what That Thing is to people now, so if you want to stop it, you have to throw the whole thing away and barely anyone is actually willing to do that. on top of that, they believe they don’t have to.

with HP specifically, I don’t blame anyone for not picking up on the bigotry from the books they read as children. now, if you reread it as an adult and still don’t get it, that’s another issue. but at least with the antisemitism, it’s much more obvious with the movies and a lot of people try to excuse JKR from it bc of that, when she had such a heavy hand in making those films. she had/has enough sway to change literally anything. and I think a lot of people understood the antisemitism more when they could see just what these goblins were supposed to look like, and that brought it all together. however, there are people obsessed with goblins (I think there’s a lot of neurodivergent people who have a special interest in goblins for one reason or another and that makes it more difficult to let go, in my experience) who absolutely refuse to come to terms with the antisemitic nature of the creature to begin with, when it’s antisemitic originally AND in JKR’s interpretation. I never got into HP so I didn’t know about the goblins, having not seen the movies, and it was really easy to not interact with it once I did. I can genuinely understand how heartbreaking it is to find out something you love goes against what you believe in, bc for jews it’s just part of our lives. we find out creators of and the things we like are nazis or antisemitic every single day. moreso than usual as of late.

imo the racism and general bigotry of JKR should be more than enough for HP fans who claim to care about other people, but it’s hella odd that antisemitism is the sticking point for so many people. they’ll say they’re streaming the movies and playing the games and reading the books but but but they’re not giving money to JKR and therefore not supporting her transphobia and racism, but you mention her antisemitism and the fact that the HP game was just antisemitism the simulator and they immediately dismiss it. her bigotry is embedded in the work. it’s in the imagery of the franchise. hell, there’s a storyline where a villain is a villain bc he wanted to stop the holocaust. that speaks for itself, and should be enough for literal adults.

(on the It’s The Thing Now point, it’s happening with lizard people as well. everyone is calling themselves a goblin and making lizard people jokes and it’s just apart of the young people dialogue now. I could go on for hours but I think I made my point.)

#Asks #anonymoose #antisemitism #anti harry potter #anti hp #anti jkr #went on a rant oops

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bookoftheironfist · 3 months

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hihi!!!

what do you think of an asian danny (comics) ? i know we have pei (whom i adore) but how do you think danny as a character would change? (personally i feel like danny would feel less isolated in kun lun, maybe only dimensional differences, but would face more racism back in america. i think white danny is a better concept, to be torn in half between your nature(america) vs nurture(kun lun) yknow)

Hihi! Thank you for asking!

A few key points, just to start off:

I am not Asian myself, therefore I feel like my opinion on this topic doesn't really matter. (I also don't work for Marvel, so my opinion really doesn't matter.)

At the end of the day, this conversation comes down to the desire for more and better Asian representation across the Marvel Universe, which is obviously something we should all want.

Okay, now, on to the in-universe, Danny-specific stuff:

I would be perfectly happy with an Asian Danny, and I understand the arguments for making that change. I don't personally feel like it's a necessary change in this case, but I do get it, and I do think that the introduction of the Iron Fist legacy was very important; back when he was the first and only person to have defeated Shou-Lao, it was certainly much more uncomfortable that he was an outsider. (I will also point out that the feeling of being pulled in two directions--America and K'un-Lun--is something that he would still experience if he were Asian. Probably even moreso due, as you mentioned, to anti-Asian racism and anti-immigrant sentiments in the US.)

For me, the question is more about whether Danny should be of K'un-Lun descent specifically. Just making him Asian wouldn't make him not an outsider there, and that was the main cause of his alienation as a child. The thing that baffled me about Lin Lie being chosen as the next Iron Fist to presumably "fix" the "problem" of Danny's non-native status was that Lin isn't from K'un-Lun either. He's just as much of an outworlder as Danny, and at least Danny grew up in the city and had family there. (And obviously, that's not even touching on the fact that we already had Pei, who was born K'un-Lun.)

Tucos: "You dare aspire to join the ranks of the immortals of K'un-Lun--!?!" Danny: "I dare nothing, Tucos--I merely am. If I am Iron Fist, it is because the gods--thru Yu-Ti--will it so...and if I become an immortal--it is because they will that as well!" Merrin: "Is that so, outworlder--? How pleasant to see an Earther mortal adopt our ways so...fervently." Iron Fist vol. 1 #2 by Chris Claremont, John Byrne, Michele W., F. Chiarmonte, and Joe Rosen

Kheng: "Stupid orphan couldn't stop a bunch of dogs from turning his mother into breakfast...how were you ever going to face an immortal?" Iron Fist: The Living Weapon #3 by Kaare Kyle Andrews and Joe Caramagna

Yang Yi: "The next Iron Fist should have been one of us. Any of us--even Mei Min. It should have been me." Lin: "I--I didn't call Shou-Lao to me on purpose." Yang Yi: "That's even worse! You stole something that belongs to K'un-Lun and you don't even know its worth. The last Iron Fist was an outsider. So was the one before him. Special enough that the dragon chose them...or callous enough to rip its heart out without respect." Iron Fist vol. 6 #2 by Alyssa Wong, Michael Yg, Sean Chen, Victor Olazaba, and Jay David Ramos

If Danny had been Asian but not from K'un-Lun, the bullying might have focused less on his appearance (he gets called "Snow Pea" and "Snowflake" in Living Weapon), but he still would have been an outsider, an Earther mortal freak, and his bullies would still have been angry that he became the Iron Fist instead of them. If Danny had been of K'un-Lun descent...honestly, I still think he would have struggled to fit in, since he wasn't raised in the culture. Wendell as we know him didn't teach Danny anything about K'un-Lun, and unless we considered the idea of changing Wendell's personality or past experiences, I can imagine that would still be the case if he had blood ties to the city. It would still have been something Wendell spent most of Danny's life trying to put behind him, and Danny would still have been arriving massively traumatized, and even with the knowledge that his ancestors had been from K'un-Lun, I'm not sure how much that would have fixed for him, or for his peers' perception of him. This is a dimension that is extremely difficult to access, and thus a very insular society. They don't get a lot of outworlders, regardless of their race or ancestry.

For the record, it would be easy to give Danny blood ties to K'un-Lun without changing a single thing about his backstory, due to the simple fact that we have no idea where Wendell came from. He was just some random orphan Orson stumbled upon in the Himalayas. It would be very easy for a writer to do a story arc in which Danny found out that his father (possibly even unbeknownst to Wendell) was born in K'un-Lun. Rather than retconning Danny's backstory to make him aware of this from the beginning, I feel like it would be a more interesting approach to have Danny discover a blood connection later on, in the present day. I am always a big fan of explorations of Danny's relationship to K'un-Lun, and this would certainly present new territory in that regard.

Ultimately, though, I agree with you in that I don't feel like this change is needed, or even that it would change much about Danny's character or journey (which I suppose could be an argument either for or against). He would still be that same guy caught between two worlds and not fully at home in either. My personal feeling is that I would rather see characters like Colleen Wing, Pei, Sparrow, Miranda...heck, even Steel Serpent...given more of a spotlight. As I mentioned at the top, what's most important is having strong Asian representation throughout the Marvel Universe, and there are a ton of fantastic, under-used Asian characters within the Iron Fist sphere who I hate to see buried under ongoing debates about this one guy's ethnicity, especially when those debates too often seem to contain incorrect information from people who haven't actually read many of the comics.

Again, thanks for the question! Obviously, this is a very layered and sensitive topic, and having lived through the heated conversations surrounding the Netflix show, it's something that is always on my mind.

#Long post #finnflynn #Iron Fist #Danny Rand #Messages #Commentary #ID in alt text

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somin-yin · 1 year

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sangwoo!

Thank you so much @squid-guts, I literally love you for sending me Sangwoo because he's my favourite character in Squid Game and it's been so long since I've written something about him ❤️

Sexuality headcanon: GAY, SANGWOO IS DEFINITELY GAY. He's so queer coded and doesn't have an ounce of heterosexuality in him. He was even super offended when Gi-hun asked him if he has a girlfriend 😂

OTP: Sangihun all the way ❤️ first off, I love the friends to enemies to lovers trope, and secondly, you simply cannot tell me they didn't date in high school, if you say they didn't, you're lying. These 2 have history and it's very obvious, all that bad blood from Sangwoo towards Gi-hun has to come from somewhere 🤷‍♀️ Also they're INTJ x ESFP, they're each other's polar opposite and that makes up for a juicy dynamic ❤️

BROTP: Ali and Sangwoo, Sangwoo seems to have a soft spot for Ali but I see them as brothers only to be honest 🤷‍♀️

NOTP: Sangwoo x ...Il Nam? Sangwoo x Sae Byeok too sorry ;-; but I don't judge whoever ships them.

First headcanon that pops into my head: As I said, one of my biggest headcanons is that they were together in the past. And that they had a VERY nasty break up. When they use to date, everything was awesome but then Sangwoo went to SNU, and Gi-hun didn't wait for him and got married, Sangwoo got bitter towards him and buried his feelings all those years. Then when he saw Gi-hun again in the games, he felt anger and resentment towards him but he acted as if he didn't care (he was just pretending, Sangwoo cares a lot but he pretends), that resentment pushed him to wanting revenge and not warning him in game 2, even if that would mean Gi-hun would be killed, he wanted to convince himself that he had no feelings for Gi-hun and that he wouldn't care if he dies or not but after he did that he regretted it so much that he realised he still has feelings for Gi-hun, but it was too late and there was no way to stop the game, so he left Gi-hun's survival to chance, which he hated and was so angry at himself for it, he had some serious emotional pain when the game was ongoing, then Gi-hun survived and he felt so relieved, he was still mad and resentful but he realised he still has feelings for him despite everything and we know the rest, just Sangwoo struggling about not being over his first love. If Gi-hun hadn't survived Sangwoo would have never forgiven himself and would have unalived himself, we know Sangwoo is suic*dal.

Favorite line from this character: “I'll pick, okay?” -proceeds to push man off the bridge- (sorry ;-;)

One way in which I relate to this character: Okay time to get serious here, I relate to him getting embarrassed and uncomfortable whenever Gi-hun bragged about Sangwoo's accomplishments and being considered the genius of his neighbourhood because I've been there too, whenever people brag about me I get so uncomfortable because when people know that you went to an elite college or they consider you smart, they place very high and unrealistic expectations on you and you have to live with those expectations on your shoulders, which is a huge weight and you somehow are forced to live up to the expectations of others. Perhaps that's why he invested in futures and stocks, because he wanted to live up to the very high expectations people placed on him. It is really very uncomfortable when other people brag about your accomplishments, if you have been in that situation in the past you may understand how uncomfortable it is. Your close ones feeling proud is pretty much appreciated but other people don't need to know, precisely because of the high expectations they will inevitable place on you. For Sangwoo it's better to lay low, also because he's an introvert (extreme introverts will understand this). This gets even worse in Asian societies. As a person of Asian descent myself, let me tell you the pressure is hard!! the expectations are hard, you are expected to succeed so your parents can brag about you and if you don't, they see you as a failure, so in a way I can understand Sangwoo, that's why he ended up there in the games, he didn't want to disappoint anyone.

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: He not admitting his gayness and feelings about Gi-hun is very cringy.

Cinnamon roll or problematic fave? Problematic fave all the way, but he's still one of the most complex and nuanced characters in the show ❤️

Sorry for the walls of text about Sangwoo but he's so layered that I can't help it. Also tagging @moonlitdayy since she asked me about Sangihun so here's the Sangwoo part. I'll reply to the Gi-hun part next ❤️ (It pains me to see the Squid Game fandom ded, I miss it ;-;). Adding Sangwoo's songs just because I can and because I'll take every opportunity to talk about Sangwoo:

#squid game #cho sang woo #cho sangwoo #ask #sangwoo x gihun #seong gihun #sangihun #gi hun squid game #netflix #hhhhh #ask game

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linaselandbasil · 1 year

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Whitewashing in Eldarya: A man of science rant about beemoovs bullshit pt.1

What is whitewashing?: this word has a couple of different uses, but in this context I mean deliberately making things more 'white' and thus alienating and erasing POC.

For example, they try so hard to make Lance white. Bitch, just draw him like god intended and stop complaining!

Okay introduction over. Let's cover the less extensive topic I want to talk about.

Huang Huas character design:

She looks weird. I always hated her character design. I think what happened is they didn't know that darker skin has to be shaded different.

She looks grey (in retrospect, this may be coz she wears a lot of orange and yellow, despite having a pink undertone. Although, she should not have a pink undertone, when the skin is this dark, its more accurately described as having a red undertone), probably because the artist messed up and thought that simply lightening her complexion would make her face look less.... I dunno. The point is that it didn't work as intended.

Dark skin is more reflective compared to light skin. It might appear that the glow simply looks more prominent because of the contrast, but that's not all there is to it. Melanin absorbs UV to protect them from sun damage and it also reflects some of it. The absolute darkest skintones of sub Saharan Africans provide as much protection as SPF 25 sunscreen. (The minimum recommended by dermatologists for everyday wear is 50) So, my point is, you can't just use light skin techniques to draw Dark skin. You need to make the contrast between the lightest and the darkest colors more drastic.

Her undertone... It makes me want to just evaporate. I love good art and I love beautiful people, this is simply not it dear. If you look up a tutorial for drawing dark skin they might tell you that the darker you go, the redder to make it. This is because there's five different types of melanin, two of which I'll tell you about. Eumelanin is more prominent in dark skin, it has brown and black subtypes. I, for example have a warm undertone (yellow, not pink) so I have this. Pheomelanin is more prominent in lighter skin and this gives ginger hair and freckles it's red color. (I assume it's a recessive trait, since light skin is a recessive trait) So, in lighter skin, there's a lack of eumelanin, the pink color of the skin is mostly from the blood underneath and the yellow undertone (if you press on your flesh for a long time and release you will see it) is from subcutaneous fat. (which is not white like duckfat) The darker you go, the redder the undertone gets from the eumelanin covring the yellow fat. The blood doesn't get conealed because it's not as deep down as the fat.

Okay, I'm done talking about her skin. Let's get angry about something else: her facial features.

She has basically no afrocentric facial features, I accredit this to the artist not knowing how to draw them, so I'll try not to roast too much.

She has dark skin, which is a dominant trait, but a small nose, thin lips and straight (alright, wavy) hair, which are all recessive traits. This is a rare combination, but not impossible.

(They do have very simmilar face shapes, supporting my phoenix magic skin color change theory)

Her home is the land of the Ren Feng Huang, her people have been described by Erika as "dressed in Chinese style clothes". I feel like this is a microagression, please shut up Erika... She, so far is the only dark skinned Ren Feng Huang. So the case might just be that her Phoenix powers grant her dark skin to protect her from the sun's flames and she's just as white as Huang Chu (who has freckles, that's pheomelanin). Feng Zifu looks vaguely east Asian, but he also has a lot of European features like the sharpness of his cheekbones and his deepset eyes. (And his non-existent lips 💋)

The Feng Huangs are made out to be this holy Saint never did anything wrong ever totally crimeless nation, so they might just have good immigration policies, I dunno.

So anyway, her homeland looks like a very simplified view of 'china'. Bunch of bamboo, cliffs, terrace farming. I assume the climate is what we can expect from "china", humid summers and cold winters. (Although China is fucking huge. The country has more than one climate region.)

For breathing warm, humid air, wide noses are most adapted. For breathing cold, dry air, tall and long noses are adapted, for dry, hot air, hooked noses are most adapted. She appears to have a small, pointy nose with narrow nostrils, which is not well suited for any climate and is a recessive trait.

She has a little mouth ad well as moderately thin lips. Lip size is not that important for survival, but I should note that thin lips emit less heat, therefore they're better for cold environments. Big lips are a dominant gene, thin lips are recessive. If someone has one copy of the dominant gene (one copy comes from each parent) and one recessive, then the dominant gene will determine their appearance, but they can still pass on the recessive gene to their offspring. Some genes work together to make an in-between. Small lip gene+big lip gene makes something in between. (I don't know how recessiveness effects this phenomenon) Two toned lips (pigmentation on top, no pigmentation on the bottom or partial pigmentation on the bottom) are very appropriate in her case, kudos for that. (Im pissed that they forgot it when they drew Lance and Val. I demanded an apology) Also, some people with a lot of melanin often have yellow tinted scleras because there's some of it there too. This used to scare me because I thought they had liver failure. It's not something that every dark skinned person has, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Okay, now about hair. This has to be the most controversial topic for some fucking reason. Thick, dark and curly are dominant traits. Thin, light and straight are recessive. A gene combination of curly and straight work together to make a softer curl pattern or wavy hair. (Wavy hair is just very lose curls, I have wavy hair but it appears straight because it's silky and thick, causing gravity to straighten it. When i was a child it used to be a lot thinner and i had really nice 2A waves.) I don't know what benefits there are to having straight, thin hair, but apparently this weak recessive trait is so beloved by our one and only beemoov that they made nearly every single POC character without curls. Thick, curly hair is better at basically everything it's supposed to do. It shrinks into a dense protective layer, shielding the head from the sun like an afro helmet, it traps more air underneath to keep the skin warm when it's cold, it's straight out just harder to pull out. I don't know which dumbass, cousin banger ancestors of mine decided that straight hair is pretty enough to srlect for, but I digress. I can live with it. (At least I have green eyes, which is the only recessive trait that I find beautiful. It's still dominant over blue though)

Have a look at this handy chart:

Okay I'm done with Hua. Pt.2 is about Lance and Valkyon because I'm low-key obsessed with them. My bebes.

Have a great day! (I swear of this doesn't spark a conversation nothing will.)

#eldarya #i an a man of science #rant #eldarya rant #huang hua #beemoov explain yourself #beemoov bullshittery #cut the shit beemoov #why beemoov whyyy #beemoov #whitewashing rant #hair types #genetics

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forkaround · 4 months

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Playboyy Ep 5 Trash Watch Part 1

Have I done this for E1 - 4? No. But I don't think I can watch this show without making a post or it's a waste of an hour for me and as much as I want to watch this show I can't keep track of anything at all.

You know most of these actors remind me of Pat from Step by Step, especially the kids club. It's that same slack jawed, plump lips expression.

Wait wait wait this whole thing started because of a comment? A play? A dare? Dude what are guys doing out in the world. We need to keep all the boys under lock and key to make sure they don't hurt themselves.

Nuthyim is the username. The lead character is Nont, twin - Nant. You see the confusion.

Wait I thought this was about hitting on someone to get experience for a play, how did it end up in a red light scene with hoods over their heads??? Keep the boys home.

Why does Nant look like he is scamming people when asking for money?? Why doesn't he ask his dad?? Nont?? They are more likely to give money for mom. Unless it's not for mom in that case Nont being angry doesn't make sense. I feel like he didn't really have to do any of this. Even if it wasn't for mom, Asian families would do anything, anything to avoid a scandal. Okay, so while the characters might not get that the writer should. Otherwise it lacks logic as a story coz we are the audience, we have a birds eye view, it won't land for the audience.

So if Nont has revealed himself now, then what was the 'having sex with anything that moves'? Clearly not part of a plan to find his brother. It's the logic again. Not there.

I'm only 5 mins in and this looks more like a spectacle than a real examination of the story being told. I'm not new to crime dramas and I'm not new to sex worker protags so I know this is poorly written. Simple as that. Like the Soong kidnaps First opening. There for shock value only. This too.

Why didn't he tell them who the third guy is? I suppose since they already fought about Teena it's explainable. But like don't say three things and not show three things. It's incomplete. I'm having a Sheldon moment. Complete the sentence!

STOP SPEAKING ENGLISH. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH! I imagine this is how Italian, French, Spanish speakers feel when someone butchers the language. I couldn't even understand it without the subs. Reminds me of House and Sheldon speaking Hindi.

Also do you feel guilty or not boy? That's your friend who is missing. You do like him right? Did the writer just really love that line?

You know I don't care that it's unsexy, I don't care it's weird, I won't care about the horrible pacing. This show is stupid. And that's where I draw the line. I watch Cdramas, I know pacing issues but never have they turned me off so much.

They are all overdramatic about their relationships and I'm left asking - why do you care??? Why do any of you care??? You clearly are unemotional enough when it was Nant, why do you care about these boys??? Where is the logic??

Are they all Mary Sues? Coz I can't see any other reason for these guys to be so crazy over these kids.

This show could have used color coding clothes. or the pair's name starting with the same letter.

Is Zoey the Mew of this group??? He feels like the Mew of this group.

And that's what I mean that this show is confusing. I had no idea why Zoey was angry with Captain until his friend explained it. Stilted af. It's like someone wrote scenes and forgot the flow.

You know we've seen shows like these. Rich kids being shitty isn't new. Gossip Girl made that a thing long before anyone else. For something small town there is Pretty Little Liars. They did shit to each other all the time. But they made sense. I should clarify - they made sense for what we knew of the characters without losing the pacing.

Anyone else feeling a distinct urge to slap the car boy?

I can't watch any more today. Buh-bye

#playboyy #playboyy the series

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bubbleslimesoda · 8 months

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Sharing My Story

Trigger Warning for mentions of: Eating disorders, abuse, emotional blackmail, self harm, threats of suicide, sexual assault, physical assault, racism, homophobia/bigotry ideals and manipulation

^Please only read if you have read the warning!^

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for some times as it has been so many years and yet I still get PTSD from this.

When I was 15-16 I was in a relationship with someone I’ll just call ‘that guy’/‘guy’ (I don’t even want to give him a creative name). I will also specify that he is the same age as me although when I started dating him I was told by a doctor that my mental age was apparently “half my actual age”.

Now I can’t even remember how this relationship started because to me it felt like “Oh we’ve been hanging out for a long time, I guess we’re going out now” also just to make it clear I had only been in one other relationship before this one and I’d felt the same way, I currently identify as grey aro/ace although I still question myself on it.

And a small detail about before this relationship, I had actually witnessed ‘that guy’ grab a half full bottle of water and hold a student while repeatedly hitting them really really hard with it, idk why at the time I didn’t see this as a red flag but then again I was about 14-15.

In this relationship at first I was told to be quiet about it unless I’d expressed how it made me feel sad as I was to feel like ‘that guy’ was ashamed of me for some reason.

I don’t want to go into full detail of every single thing that happened as it was very traumatic so the less I think about it the better. I’m going to make a list of things that happened instead.

• Kicked me in the head

• Hit me on my lower back

• Pulled my arm so hard my shoulder was in pain for a few weeks

• Bullied my ex and tried to convince me that my ex assaulted me

• Told me that I was “practically a boy” because I was bi (I wasn’t at the time) and that he was a girl because he was bi (Just pointing out how he seems to associate someone’s sexually with their gender identity)

• Would start an argument if I show little discomfort/felt upset by something he did or said

• Said he would kill my favourite tv show characters if he got the chance (I’m autistic and I think you can see why telling an autistic teen this is pretty fucked up)

• Made fun of and got angry at me for my autistic traits such as not liking loud sounds, bright lights and repetitive sounds and motion

• Referred to my eating disorder, ARFID as “being a picky eater” and when I expressed it upset me he showed no remorse and said he was “just joking”

• Putting words in my mouth. For example if he asked “Why would someone suddenly be acting different?” And I would reply “Idk. A big change in their life, loss of someone close, drugs, alcohol, into something new, money?” He would turn around say I was accusing him of doing drugs (I really don’t know how he would make those stretches)

• Manipulated me into acting in a way that was more sexual than what I was comfortable with

• Would then tell me off for said behaviour but then would make remarks or show disinterest in me when I stopped

• Touched me without permission or while I was asleep even though I had expressed discomfort or even said no (I would wake up from it or have noticeable signs of it when I woke up)

• Made jokes about Asian people’s eyes

• Isolated me from friends and made it so I could only be friends with his friends

• Threats of self harm and taking his own life when he wouldn’t get his way

I know that was long and thank you if you’ve read this far. This is very hard for me to write as I keep needing to take breaks to calm myself down.

When I was 15-16 I was very into Rick and Morty and I suggested it to ‘that guy’ since I genuinely thought he would like it. He said we’d watched it before but I pointed out that he was never paying attention to which he just seemed to flip out about. I told him it wasn’t going to work to which he threatened self harm and worse so I agreed to stay with him. The next day he then “broke up with me” as far as I was concerned it had already ended when I said it wasn’t going to work but we still tried to be friends.

After that I had so many nice and kind people come back into my life which I was a very emotional thing for me because it felt like I was asleep or cut off from reality before hand. It seemed that the rest of the school knew about ‘guy’s’ behaviour as no one wanted to talk to him or be friends with him after everything, we could just stand in this corner staring at me and my friends while texting as we spent our breaks talking and such.

A few days after it happened I was sat with my friends and suddenly got a call from my mum saying that ‘guy’s’ parents had called her saying that I had been bullying him to which I had to point out that no, I wasn’t bullying him. I was just sitting with my friends and talking while ‘that guy’ was staring at us in a corner.

After that I did my exams and went to college only to find out that ‘guy’ had copied me on what course I was taking, I had actual helped him get into a different course to me but he still decided to take the course I was taking.

Now I did try to be civil, I didn’t acknowledge him or talk about him/to him until he asked if we could be friends(I was 16 at the time btw, I’m the UK you go to college at about 16 and then uni after about 3 years). I foolishly said yes.

One day my friend who I’d met in that course who had ME was going to be late and was worried about being seated near someone who kept messaging them about drinking and made them uncomfortable. I had a different class before our one so I asked ‘that guy’ if he could save them a seat and he said no which I was fine with but then he went on to say that I was “bullying him by asking him to save them a seat” and after I told him that’s not how it worked he said “I wouldn’t let him be bi while we were dating”, I was actually very supportive and happy for him during that time. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone and blocked him.

Now for this last bit I’m going to go back about it. Before we started dating he was dating another girl who had left our school due to depression and I was actually close with her and I was very sad and worried when she left. Idk how they broke up but the girl was at my college and I was so relieved and happy that she was okay I went to say hello to her. She screamed at me and I went home that day because someone had told me that ‘guy’ had “told everyone I abused him”(I also found out that she started dating ‘guy’), this was so overwhelming and upsetting that it is actually what started my PTSD.

Despite what I had managed to survive, doing the right thing by not talking to him or about him (apart from to two close friends at the time) and worrying about someone for years who I had no contact with I was now being accused of this horrible horrible thing that I had to live through. I even struggled to stand properly that day because of how scared, breathless and distraught I felt. I had even become terrified of saying his name because that’s how much hearing or saying it would fill me with fear.

They were reported and felt with for what had happened but for the rest of the year ‘guy’ and his girlfriend harassed and bullied me and they even harassed my mother at certain points. It was the worst first year of college I think anyone could’ve had and I would never wish it on anyone.

After that I went into the next year being in a different group to him(it’s also where I met my current best friend)and then the following year the groups merged but it seemed he didn’t have any friends again and I had actually made friends with some of the people he told I was abusive. One even said while I was helping them at their house “I’m sorry that I believed him, you’re actually really sweet and nice” which felt amazing to hear after all that trauma.

Today I still suffer with really bad PTSD attacks related to what happened before and during that first year of college. I guess I get paranoid that maybe the same thing will happen again somehow in the future so making this post is my way of venting about this, and bringing awareness to it as I know I’m not the only one who has been abused only to have that person tell you “it’s your fault” or “you’re actually the abusive one” despite having had to deal with similar or even the same thing as me. And people like ‘that guy’ will always be around trying to snake their way back into your life just to hurt you or make themselves a victim just so they don’t have to feel bad about what they did to you.

To finish this off I want to sort of say what I would to my younger self, dealing with what happened.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you and I’m sorry that you suffered. From the bottom of my heart and everything I am, I am sorry. You deserve better than what happened to you and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know you put yourself down a lot but you are going to make some amazing things and meet amazing people who love you and care for you. Don’t let this hold you back, you are more than this horrible thing that happened to you so don’t let it consume you. You are loved and capable of so much. Don’t ever stop being your happy silly and imaginative self, I love that side of you and I will not stop loving you. Please take care of yourself.

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come-see-our-show · 2 years

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I just CAN'T stop thinking about how different Kim could have been.

She didn't have to be innocent. She could've been a Euridyce-type. Tough, scrappy, too mature for her age, who falls in love in spite of herself, making it all the more tragic when Chris leaves her.

She didn't have to be a dancer. I have full respect for sex workers, and I also know it isn't peaches and cream for a lot of women, but in this story, having the "pure virginal Asian girl sex worker” is just fetishization. This specific story doesn’t benefit Asian women, nor does it benefit sex workers. She could've been a regular waitress at a gross bar with sleezy clients. Her having sex with Chris didn't have to be a transaction. Maybe she’s taking his order, or she’s overwhelmed and he asks her if she’s okay. They have an instant connection and start to banter. Then they have sex, not because Chris wants to protect her, but because Kim wants to do it. She has agency in beginning a relationship with Chris. Her having that agency would prevent her from being oversexualized, but not purified either, and she’s still a young woman in a shitty life situation.

Kim could've realized how unrealistic it was to put all of her hopes into one person from a different world. In the time-jump, she could've accepted that Chris was never coming back, so finding out he's looking for her can be a deep shock. She can have so much internal conflict. Instead of a nightmare, there could've been a Kim version of "Why, God, Why?" Thoughts racing through her head like, Why does he think he can come back after leaving me? Why do I actually miss him, after I've moved on? How can I hate him and love him at the same time? Do I go after him? But she ends with a tiny bit of hope.

She didn't have to kill herself. I love that a big driving force in her character in the show later on is her love for her son. Killing Thuy, leaving for Bangkok, giving Tam to Chris and Ellen. I found her love for Tam far more compelling than her love for Chris. But having Kim kill herself does a disservice to the character. I know that Madame Butterfly ends with her suicide, but if you’re trying to do a modern adaptation I think you can have some liberties with the plot.

You know what could have been gut-wrenching while still keeping Kim as a complex, interesting character??

Kim gets one more scene with Chris, in private. Because she deserves to speak with him alone. Chris tries to give excuses, “You can’t make me choose between you and Ellen, you and I were never mean to happen, but I’ll always have feelings for you, etc.” In the midst of all of this, Kim kisses Chris. She needs to see if she feels anything. If she should have hope for herself, not just for Tam.

The kiss isn’t like the kisses from before. It isn’t joyous and youthful. It’s desperate and hungry and sad. Chris kisses back only for a second, but he breaks away, clearly longing but not giving in. He’s choosing Ellen. So Kim concludes, even if there’s no hope for herself, there’s still hope for her son. Maybe that could be enough.

Kim still gives Tam away to Chris and Ellen.

We see moments in Tam’s life, perhaps in an abstract way or silent way. Missing his mom. Being ostracized by his peers for being Asian. Targeted and abused. Hated and isolated. Longing for a connection for his culture that his white family will never fully understand. Tam is more and more defeated throughout this sequence.

Down center stage, Kim watches all of this happen. Tam has a roof over his head, food to come home to, stability. He now has a chance at life, but it will never be easy. And Kim realizes that now. She did all of this for nothing. But it’s too late. She starts singing a soft, broken reprise of The American Dream. Tam joins the song at moments. Slowly, it gets more and more manic, angry, the music builds, and she is screaming and crying the lyrics. After everything is gone, after gaining the hope she lost for so many years, she is done. Kim’s life, in a symbolic sense, is over. Blackout.

Kim has still given her life for her son. It’s still a tragedy, but a realistic one that is relevent to today.

idk how to conclude this but yeah kim deserved a better character arc

#i have so many feelings about kim you guys #summer says stuff #miss saigon #suicide /

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v-anrouge · 1 year

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Ok I decided I'm redoing my match up thing, it was too messy

What I look for in a man:

I don't wanna say this but he's gotta be handsome (shallow I know but hey at least I admit it) but he's also gotta be kind enough to me so I don't feel like a worthless piece of shit whenever he talks to me (bonus points if he's got a hot voice)

Love Language (recieving):

Words of Affirmation (says almost every Asian child ever) and gift giving are major love languages I have for recieving

Love Language (giving):

Physical touch/intimacy, I had this era as a kid where I'd rub on my mom and sister like a cat, it was annoying for them but that's just how I showed me love for them. Playfully hitting is also included like it a little bap on the head, sometimes I underestimate my strength and hurt the person I do that to and it makes me feel terrible.

Things about myself my s/o should very much know:

I'm a lazy, cynical and very pessimistic person (also very neurodivergent coded) I will cry if they're mean to me a lot and I will curse them out if they're mean to me a lot. It entirely depends on how I feel after waking up. Very much anger issues (working on it dw). I find crying attractive which is very weird and I don't wanna dive into that can of worms just yet.

Resting Bitch Face is my default which scares babies apparently and that's why they don't like me? Children are scary but I do want them. Every Time I see a cute baby I will say 'i love babies 🥹' (yes the emoji is included). It's a forever ongoing baby fever for me.

If you're gonna be with me you need to know how to listen cause if I think you're not I'll either A: stop talking and say nevermind or B: annoy you into listening to me. This again, entirely depends on my mood.

Being dramatic cause I like drama? Nah

I'm dramatic cause I never got attention from my dad as a child. Ig that's part of why I seek male validation, sad. I dunno what else to add 🤷🏻‍♀️ (have my first draft for the ppl that see this ig)

Guess who's asking for a match up (spoiler: it's me)

Favorite color: obvs purple 🙄 (why did I add this 😭)

Uhhh I'm super lazy and very much depressed, I will get angry if you ignore my very obvious mental struggles. (I also just get really angry in general but SHHHH) also very cynical and apathetic to most things, sleepy 24/7.

I make characters so they can live a life I can only dream of...hmmm what else...I'm smart-ish (if top 7 of my grade for 8 consecutive terms counts as smart) anddddd I like writing and making up storylines. My favorite thing to do is read (not the classics, they bore me tbh, but I guess Holes and Midsummer's Night Dream is ok)

I very much often ramble into tangents and can be seen as a bitch apparently cause yay social anxiety doesn't like me talking to other ppl ✨ toxic friendship frr‼️ I'm more expressive on the internet than I am in real life bc no one knows who I am behind the screen (unless you doxx me but pls don't ♥️) and that comforts me.

I have ADD, MILD autism and 💩 crippling depression 💩

I like being dramatic bc I didn't get much attention from my dad as a kid and he went to buy milk ig 🤷🏻‍♀️. I always look high in pictures and I hate taking them cause I always look high.

What else...hmmm I like singing and dancing when I think no one's watching and I despise- no I abhor when ppl try to force me into doing things I don't wanna do. I like food a lot and will cry if it has no flavor. Donuts are 👌🏼 . I was 100% a menace as a kid and awfully gullible. And I'm very good at holding grudges as well (my longest grudge is over a decade long-)

And I think that's abt it? There's probs more but I'm tired

homie gave me their entire autobiography holy fuck /pos

I MATCH YOU WITH!!

MALLEUS this man LIVES to spoil you he just loves hugging you from behind and smiling as he shows you a beautiful (and extremely expensive) necklace he got done for you, the necklace is enchanted so that it'll always be in pristine condition, the gem's color change in the light naturally but you can see they also have a bit of magic on them, everyday this man will smile and compliment your stunning flawless looks with a smile on his face, if he had his tail out it would be wagging so hard he'd cause an earthquake

at first malleus would be very confused on why you hit him and think he had done something wrong but when you tell him it's just your way of showing affection he'll say you can use him as punching as much as you want to with a cute little smile, malleus won't ever hit you back because 1- he is way stronger than you and would definitely hurt you 2- what kind of man would he be if he hurt the one he is so deeply in love with??

he loves any affection you give him, in the beginning of your relationship malleus always went a bit stiff when you showed him a lot of affection because he isn't used to it but even back then he already did enjoy your affection he just didn't know how to react to it, now he is already very used to it, to the point he'll get a bit pouty if he doesn't get his morning hug and kiss

malleus is aware of your mental health and he does everything in his power to help you heal and feel better, malleus does not like fighting and he isn't used to being mean, sometimes he could say something a bit hurtful but it's just because he isn't completely socially aware, please talk to him if he ever hurts you and he'll immediately apologize and promise to never say anything like that ever again, he'll spend the rest of the day spoiling you to make up for that, he says it's because he feels terrible and although he isn't lying you both know malleus just really enjoys spoiling u

malleus loves reading to you, he'd really enjoy it if you could sit on his lap as he reads a book you picked out, his voice is very pleasant to listen and honestly very calming so most of the times you end up falling asleep, when that happens malleus kisses your forehead and hugs you tighter making sure you're having the sweetest dreams ever

both of you are seen as intimidating so as soon as you two step into any place everyone is immediately looking at you two, an intense intimidating aura filling the entire place as you two walk together before malleus picks up a silly little plushie and tells you that it reminds him of you and start gushing over it as if u two were completely alone, to be fair, whenever malleus is with you you're the only thing he cares about

malleus is over the moon when he discovers that you'd like to have children since he will be a king that is basically a necessity, it doesn't matter if you two adopt or have the child yourselves malleus will make sure you and his little baby/babies are always happy and comfortable, he'll spoil both u and ur child/children rotten and would be constantly cooing over them, however he is extremely protective of you and your child/children so he tends to growl at strangers that approach u 💀

other possibilities: kalim, lilia & trey

#･͛♡̷̷̷･͛ asks ‧ֺ․۬‧˖⁀➷#･͛♡̷̷̷･͛ stinkies ‧ֺ․۬‧˖𑁤 #=͟͟͞♡ dummy ˖˚⊹=͟͟͞ ͟͟͞͞➳#･͛♡̷̷̷･͛ raccoonpid ‧ֺ․۬‧˖‿➹

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shayneysides · 2 years

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The writers in tua really added in a rising sun flag in s3 and the “ open up your kimono” line klaus said towards Ben was super weird considering bens korean, not to mention the fandom treats Lila like shit especially after s2 dropped the double standards were horrible. What are your thoughts on how Asian characters are treated by the writers in tua?

Oh my god I've been waiting for someone to ask me this for ages. Right off the bat I am gonna just say I can't really speak on how the fandom treated Lila when she was first introduced because I wasn't in the fandom then (I was there for s1 and s3 when they came out, but not s2). I can however speak about the other characters!

Ben throughout s1 and s2 honestly doesn't have much character at all, in my opinion- I guess he's snarky, and kind of mean, and? is sad about being dead, I guess? But he mostly acts as Klaus's conscience in s1 and honestly just a thorn in his side in s2. His only moment of true plot importance is when he speaks to Viktor and is able to calm him down, effectively stopping the apocalypse- it's an amazing scene that really utilizes Ben as a character. Which is why it sucks that he literally dies right after it, and doesn't get any other scenes like that! I understand that he's dead, and there's only so much you can do with him, but it's still a little disappointing that he has next to no character development and just serves to forward the development of a white character.

Sparrow Ben is a whole other thing- thank god he at least has some depth to his character this time! I think they did a good job making him an asshole without making him completely unlikeable, and I really loved his whole arc of just wanting to be part of the family. I think his overall writing is pretty good, even though there are some weird moments- the "open up your kimono" line is entirely unnecessary and they very well could've just said robes or something like that. The moment where Ben and Diego are arguing and they start arguing in Korean and Spanish respectively- I guess it's funny, but it also strikes me as a little off given that neither of these characters really show any connection to their cultures before this season, and having the moment with that connection be when they're angry and arguing is a questionable decision. Overall, though, I don't have any real issues with how Sparrow Ben is written.

The scene where Ben is born and we see his parents does bug me a little bit- compared to the other birth scene (Viktor's in s1) where the mother at least get to speak, I wish they had given us any sort of character past giggling schoolgirl. I would love to just once see a depiction of a young Korean woman that isn't just cute and innocent and, well, a giggling schoolgirl. Even compared to the snippets of the other mothers that we see, the rest of them are teachers, businesswomen, or at the very least grown adults, and I just wish Ben's mother could've gotten that.

As for Lila, race feels very removed from her character in general, which can be both a strength and a weakness in the writing. It eliminates weird, uncomfortable moments like what happened with Ben, but it can also remove some depth from her character. I dislike that they really didn't address the racism an Asian woman in the 1960s would face, but I'm also glad s2 didn't just become racism trauma porn. I also dislike that you could argue that she fits the "mysterious, sneaky, fierce mistress of the East" type of stereotype with her "seducing" Diego and then double crossing the Hargreeves, but I also think her character has a lot of depth outside of that argument and she has real motives for everything she does, so I'm not too pressed about it. And I don't mind how she's written in s3, either- I think the whole Stanley plotline is weird and unnecessary, but not really in a way connected to race, it's kind of just poorly written and very poorly casted. Overall, I think the writers have done a pretty good job with Lila, but if anyone disagrees, I'd genuinely like to hear your thoughts on it (especially since I'm East Asian, not South Asian, and I'm not able to understand as much of the nuance with her character as I am with Ben).

This one isn't exactly a character, but I still want to talk about it- Hotel Oblivion. First off, I didn't even see the rising sun flag when first watching, but I can only assume that's where it appears, and I hate that a lot! That flag represent imperialism, and unless you are specifically referencing that imperialism and the flag has a real reason to be there, you should not use it. I feel like that's common sense at this point, but I guess not. Second, what was up with Hotel Oblivion in general? Why was it Japan-themed? I mean, I know why, it's Orientalism, but you could at least give it a reason in the plot. I really, really hate that the spooky alternate dimension alien mysterious version of an American place is themed around Japan. Like we get it! Hotel Oblivion is a strange, scary place, and making it Japan-themed is either implying that the East is also strange and scary, or worse, that the East is what makes a place strange and scary.

And then there's how the fandom treats Asian characters, and I know that's not really what you were originally asking, but I feel the need to talk about it. The way the fandom treated Ben throughout s1 and s2 is fucking infuriating. Like I said earlier, even with his lack of depth, Ben's character traits were generally snarky, sarcastic, and kind of sad. So naturally, the fandom treated him like a small child! Asian men, specifically East Asian men, are constantly infantalized, and that's exactly what happened. Everyone treated Ben as this little uwu baby boy cinnamon roll and why? Genuinely when does he act all sweet and innocent, like how fans were treating him? I guess in the bank robbery scene, when he was literally a child! Gee, I wonder why people focused exclusively on that scene, rather than when he punched Klaus in the face, or any of the other scenes where Ben was an asshole- or at the very least, not a literal child. And now that s3 has come out, and Sparrow Ben is extremely explicitly rude and mean, people are finally treating him like the adult he is, and I think it says a lot about how the fandom saw him that it took his whole character becoming a total dick for them to stop woobifying him. And again, I can't really say anything about how the fandom treated Lila post-s2, because I wasn't in the fandom then, but if anyone reading this does have thoughts on it, please feel free to add them here! I haven't really seen much mistreatment of Lila post-s3, but I don't doubt at all that it existed when she was introduced. The most I've seen has been about the Stanley plotline, but that's mostly been (rightfully) making fun of the writers.

All in all, I think the writers haven't been super explicitly racist with anything except for the whole Hotel Oblivion thing, but they have made some poor choices in their writing. The fandom has definitely been racist, but I'm hoping it's starting to improve, as I've seen more people discussing the actual nuances of Ben's character post-s3. I think some people might read this and be like "But Klaus would say that to any character! But the fandom has woobified other characters too!" to which I say, you cannot treat characters of color the same way you treat white characters. That's it. You cannot treat characters of color the same way you treat white characters. What is a silly little comment from Klaus when directed towards a white character is a weirdly racially charged comment when directed towards an Asian character. You need to be careful when writing and discussing characters of color, because there are going to be different implications to their actions and actions directed towards them. Please, please stop ignoring fans of color when we tell you that your treatment of certain characters is racist, even when it's unintentional.

Thanks for sending this, anon, I had a lot to say!

#the umbrella academy #ben hargreeves #lila pitts #long post #I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this too

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ah-woo-ga · 2 months

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I was such an arsehole when I was younger.

The worst part is, I don’t know why. I bullied and was so horrid to the people who were the nicest. I messed with the people who were there for me, put em down, made em feel worthless.

All I want now, now I’m older and smarter and that version of me is almost 5 years dead. All I want now is to see those very same people, the ones who hate me for how I was then, even to this day.

I want to see them succeed. Succeed knowing I destroyed and changed them, for the worse.

I could apologise a million times, it’s never gonna be enough for my horrible, vile actions.

I just want to see Henna succeed. She deserved success and I destroyed part of her. I destroyed her kindness and compassion. Someone who was open, could talk about anything for hours, someone who actively cared about a lot of things.

I bullied and pushed and pretended until she gave up, and then when I started to realise after almost 3 years how much damage I was doing. It was too late, I’d destroyed not just our friendship but also our relationship, the relationships with those around me.

I craved control and power, and I tried anything to take it. I wanted to cause that damage. I wanted to see how far I could go knowing I could fix it at the time.

Turns out I couldn’t. Couldn’t fix it. Couldn’t change how I was acting and I got addicted to being angry and a wreck.

It’s only now I realise I hated my life, and those few good things I had, good friends, an amazing partner who really did love me.

I remember her trying to convince me to fly up to see her, how desperately, and how happily she would tell me “you could pay us back over time! I just want to see you.”

Imagine having someone willing to pay hundreds just to see you, to fly you across the world and see you because they really did love you.

I smoked weed heavily, and she’d worry. Ask me to stop, she’d say I need to quit because she genuinely worried what was happening in my head. To my health.

That’s someone who loves you.

But instead, here I am after waking up years later, still dreaming about my fuck ups years later.

It’s actually because of these events that I changed so much. I worked so hard to not be that person now. I was a dumb kid, 18-20. Literally a kid who knew better but it was like drugs, getting to lash out, getting to fuck my life up. Idk how to describe it, but it was genuinely so hard to just be nice.

I was addicted to this thought process that I’m constantly at war with people around me, I hated them for no reason because I believed they all hated me. I’d hate you as soon as I saw you.

I think somehow my brain just collapsed on itself one day. One day, randomly, I just started being a horrible person. I hated people forvtheir differences. For who they were, kind of for no reason.

Trans? I hate you. non-binary? I hated you more.

Gay? I’d bully you. Slightly Asian? I’d make racism jokes. Anything I’d turn into ammo to hurt you. Because, for some twisted reason, I found it funny to do that, as a joke to me.

But now? Now I work hard to put good back in the world. I hate hearing and seeing those same things I used to hurt others.

I refuse to talk down to others in any capacity. Not even as a joke because I don’t want to hurt anyone else like I hurt her.

I was a kid, I made mistakes, big huge crappy fuck ups. I was a kid. A kid who apparently was okay with hurting and destroying the few good relationships they had.

If I could turn back time, I’d fix everything. Change who I was and I’d have been kind. I’d have loved harder and been less of a jerk.

In my head, I destroyed that girl. That poor, amazing and kind girl got buried by a teenage me for fun and if I could I’d kill him for it.

So I did, I buried that bastard version of me and spent time making up for my Cuntiness because I wanted to respect that memory of the person I had, who I still care about.

I know full well I can’t take back what I did, so I am working towards what she wanted for me when she cared.

She wanted me to be kind. How do I know?

She asked me what happened to me when it started. I never gave her a straight answer when she asked why I was turning into that person.

So, I want to be like she wanted me to be: loving, kind, compassionate. Non-judgy and understanding and patient.

I truly believe right up until I cheated on her with her best friend, despite all my cuntiness. I believe she loved me still, even despite my horrible, disgusting, sick behaviour.

I believe she cared. She’d ask me to come see her, offer to pay when I was flat broke, she’d try and clean up my anxiety, which is partially what made me so messed up was that I was scared my whole life, and I didn’t want to be anymore. I thought making others scared, by being horrible was a fix. A fix for me, and it was for a time, but it destroyed me like a virus.

No, I shouldn’t blame my emotions. It was me, being weak and wanting to feel in control, I’ve never been more OUT of control in my life.

That’s why I spend my life now, every day, trying to love humans, others and myself healthily and with passion. Because nobody deserves to be treated like a dog like that.

She gave up so much to save me, tried so hard and I spat in henna’s face. So even to this day, years when I don’t think about it for months.

Every now and then I hope that she’s good, I think about who I am and what I did and I will never forget the horrors I put to that poor girl.

Apparently, me being this way is me being a pussy. No, I was extremely violent then, now I’m so anti-violence. I’m the opposite, now I just want to talk. Now, I just want to talk, apologise, express and figure out why I was the way I was because that behaviour didn’t just appear.

I was damaged, scared, in pain and weak both mentally and physically. I felt I had no place. I pushed that pain onto others who deserved only the best, like Henna and Stina.

People who cared and were there for me.

So this is for them, the people who tried when I wouldn’t.

I am genuinely thankful. I didn’t understand then, but I see now. I’m sorry it took years for me to become better, and fix myself. But I am infinitely better because of it.

It is unfair, I caused you both magnitudes of pain and upset. And now I get to be okay, so I hope you know that your sacrifice, even if you hate me, you gave me hope years after I threw it back at you.

A part of me wants you to know I might be a pussy if that’s what you want to call me, but you’d be proud.

You’d be so proud of me because although it’s too late to stop what I did and said to all of you. It was still those words and actions that I cast aside that pulled me back together, years later but still.

I truly hold love in my heart for you and all those I damaged along the way, you did not deserve the pain and hurt I gave you, and I would offer my apologies to you. But instead I offer the same words and help you offered to me:

I will always be here if you ever need me, even to shout at me for the pain and things that I did to you. I can’t make up for the pain I caused you, I can’t take it away. But I can make up for it, I can be there for you, I can stand beside you and tell you that despite how hard I tried to bring you down, hurt you, crush you into nothing. You have made me so proud, you have taught me so much from the past and I truly love you for saving me from myself.

I was an ignorant, horrid kid. this was my journey to becoming and understanding how to be better.

#my journey

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