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daydreamreality · 3 years

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Thinking about actor availability, and how that affects my perception of Jess and how strongly I feel about shipping Literati.

Really thought this would only be a few paragraphs going over the points where Jess could have disappeared never to be seen again, but it turned into a freaking essay so LONG POST warning if you decide to click ahead.

If the last we saw of Jess was hanging up the phone in the season 3 finale: "Well, it was fun ride while it lasted. That's about how I thought this would end." Still have a lot empathy for this kid and wish him well, but you screwed with Rory's heart like I knew would happen. Was that intentional? No. But he was so immature, out of control with his emotions, zero communication skills, not trusting in others...the list of reasons why he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even if the feelings were serious, goes on. There was no way Rory wasn't going to end up as collateral damage in his personal breakdown that I could feel was going to happen. And this is the thought I had as a teenager with no dating experience watching this show for the first time. Did I want to date him? Hell no! I could see that trainwreck from a mile away. Rory was naïve to put her heart in his trust but that's part of her good qualities - she's sees the best in people and champions for them. I could go on a tangent about why exactly Jess was such an important character to me when I first watched the show (and probably why he stuck around unconsciously until I decided on a whim to rewatch GG in lockdown) but...I don't know, maybe some other time.

In the context of the entire show, I would look back at the relationship as my favorite one to watch of Rory's in the series (The build-up! The connection! Their deep belief in and respect for each other! The angst!) and Jess being a really fun character to root for (and yell at) but endgame? It was a short lived but important relationship. It’s fun to think about what ifs and how circumstances could have changed to make it work, but we can move on.

The ill-fated spin-off: I have no idea what this show would have been about except focusing on Jess and Jimmy and I’m not about to theorize. I still like Jess at this point so it would probably make me like him more since we’re getting a deeper dive into his character, but in regard to shipping him with Rory, this opinion would not change unless he all of sudden showed some great maturity. But I doubt this show would have even gotten a whole season so that probably wouldn’t happen. And then he’s living in California…this is too much, moving on.

If the last we see of Jess is in season 4: About the same feeling as above. Life, as expected, has not been treating Jess well. At all. His jadedness and hostility is at an all-time high when he shows up to get his car. Do I see the reasons informing his behavior and have empathy (once again, for a KID)? Yes, but he's also being a jerk. "The years don't seem to have hardened you." Well this year sure has!

I love the "I love you" scene but too little too late, buddy. That's probably why I love it, it's all a bit hopeless. Just keep shoveling the angst at me. I do like fics where this scene is reimagined with Rory running after him to give him a piece of her mind or Jess finding some other words to say (I really feel like he had more to say there but got overwhelmed), and coming to a tentative reconciliation: exchanging numbers, "don't fall off the face of the earth," but getting back together? No. You hurt her and you're feeling the consequences. Rory is not obligated or responsible to reciprocate those feelings, nor is she in a place to do that right now.

But season 4 does cement that Luke and Jess's relationship is one of my favorites in the entire show. There's probably a whole other post in me regarding that so I'll keep it brief. Because of his respect for Luke, Jess makes tentative steps towards maturing in interpersonal relationships. He shows some vulnerability and honesty with a veil of sarcasm and awkwardness because, well, it's JESS.

But then of course this all goes to hell when applied to Rory. Sometimes I like to think how this dorm scene would have gone down if Rory stepped back for a second and went, "Hold on. You're not making any sense, chill out," and they could have talked a bit and had a similar reconciliation like I said above because I really think that’s all he was going for - to talk to her, apologize, and make an attempt at reciprocation like he did with Luke. But getting back together here? Canonically, he hasn't made enough progress. He set aside his personal feelings to be in his mother's wedding and used the knowledge from the self-help book to apologize to Luke, but I don't think the book's message has sunk in all the way yet and he’s still got a massive chip on his shoulder preventing him from making a good life for himself. Getting rejected by Rory here is an important moment and I really like it. It's fun to think about the AU if Rory had said yes (hello road trip!), but it's very in-character for her to not be able to handle Jess's crisis and just shouting "NO, make it stop." This is one of my proudest of Rory moments: Protect your heart girl, he ain't ready. The seeds have been planted that Jess will continue to grow and I wish him well on his journey. Endgame material? Nah. Goodbye forever, take care my friend...

Even though this scene doesn't feel like closure at all, I really thought this was the end of Jess Mariano. So imagine my surprise when -

SEASON 6: HE'S BACK. Coming out of the shadows, [literally] it's Jess Marianoooo *air horns* *confetti* *jazz hands* *Jess rolls his eyes at the fanfare*

Alright, that's out of my system. But for real that's what my mind did at this point. For context, the way I watched this show for the first time was getting the DVDs from the library while a couple of seasons were still on the air; when a new season was available to borrow, I would rewatch all the seasons up to the current point so my memories and favorite parts of the show are seasons 1-4. Because I was not bingeing the show all the way through, seeing Jess here seemingly so different didn’t feel out of place. A shock, yes! A happy surprise. But nothing about him seemed OOC. A year had gone by, we’d seen some signs of maturity in him, and getting rejected by Rory was a big kick in the ass for him to start making bigger changes in his life. I really cannot emphasize how satisfying and sensical his positive character development felt to me.

The slight maturity we see in season 4 in its full potential. Jess is still Jess: guarded, self-deprecating, and a bit prickly but he shows a sense of calm and feeling more comfortable in his skin. This is really satisfying to see as someone who always "knew" there was a kind and capable heart underneath the exterior just like Rory did, and that tough guy, must protect myself at all costs posturing has melted away. But that side of him isn't gone, it's not like the writing did a complete 180 on his character. I love this. He's just...more at peace with himself but he's not a different person, and he's found something to direct his focus and intellect on. He's made his peace with Luke, and now he has something of worth to show Rory to try to mend that hurt as well.

Yes, it would have been nice to see how and why he decided to write a book and work in publishing but this course of events is not out of left field, nor is Jess enough of a main character at this point for scenes like this to be necessary to the show unless they were tied to Luke and showing another side of him. Jess has shown in the past that he has a good work ethic if he feels it is worth it. The problem wasn't him being lazy, just poor decision making and focusing on RIGHT NOW, "I need to get out of Stars Hollow and live my life," and not considering the consequences of his actions. Which as an immature kid whose life had told him he can only depend on himself...not out of the ordinary. The dude’s life passion is literature and has probably read every book he can get his hands on, it’s not crazy that he had his own story in him.

Here is where Literati becomes endgame material for me. Prior to the revival it was always my feeling that post-series they would reconnect while Rory was on the campaign or afterwards. It would be low drama (except for Lorelai criticism), slowly gaining trust in each other again, and eventually starting a committed relationship within a year or two of being friends with sexual tension (lol). They made their adolescent mistakes, hurt each other, but learned from it and started over on infinitely better footing.

The match just makes sense to me at this point for many reasons; I don't feel like I need to list them all out because you can go to any pro-Literati post and I'll probably agree with the majority of the points. The biggest issue they had was timing: “Right heart, wrong time.” I like especially how they even out each other's more extreme personality traits. For example, Rory learning from Jess to consider her own feelings instead of sacrificing herself for others, and Jess considering others before himself all the time. Or professionally, I can see Jess encouraging her to step away from her ultra-organized, “everything has to be just so” ways when it benefits her to seize an opportunity right now, don’t worry about the details, you got this. Maybe Jess has another book in him, but his self-deprecation and disorganization prevent him from getting it done but Rory helps him be more objective and focused. There’s this…synergistic energy I feel with the two of them: they’re great by themselves, but form something better together.

Judging from Rory's reactions towards him in this season, I don't think it's OOC for her to have romantic feelings for him again. She's extremely proud of his accomplishments and not unhappy to see him (not holding a grudge). They fall back into their comfortable dynamic even if it makes them both a bit nervous. Now some could argue that this means that Rory only wants to be friends with him but...when have Jess and Rory ever been just friends? If "Another Year in the Life" comes out (I've got serious doubts but would love to be proved wrong) and Rory rejects him or he's not even a part of it, fine! But I just don't see anything in canon that says explicitly she'll never feel romantic towards him again.

Now the kiss...there's a lot of ways to read that scene. Do I think Jess was in the right to assume "everything is fixed" as a go ahead? No. But that's part of why he is such an engaging character: he's impulsive and acts in accordance to his feelings, and yes, this gets himself and others in trouble.

Do I think Rory purposefully went to the open house to "use" Jess to get back at Logan? No. I think she genuinely wanted to support him, and Logan being out of town meant she wouldn't have to explain why it was important for her to go. I see the kiss paralleling the one in 2x22 but instead of Rory not being able to hold her feelings in any longer, Jess initiates. The way I see it is she was unaware she still had lingering feelings towards him (not out of nowhere, I mean their relationship has "unfinished business" written all over it) and that scared the crap out of her, just like at the end of season 2. So she runs away to the "safe space" that is being with Logan. Because she's in love with Logan, she has a sense of obligation towards him, and Rory has shown many times that she does not react well to change and highly emotional situations.

Is this scene a deal breaker for a future relationship between them? I don't think so. Jess says that he isn't sorry she came, which I take as "I'll never be sorry to see you no matter the context." Yes, this hurt him and made him pretty mad, but I don't think he's holding a grudge against her for this; even in the moment he's more concerned that someone cheated on her and her safety getting to her car. He sets a boundary that he doesn't deserve his feelings to be pushed around like this and Rory agrees. Not that I condone this sort of tit-for-tat hurting of each other (which I don't think Rory was going for in the first place) but it's almost like...that cycle is now broken. The whole scene is so open ended, it doesn't feel like a "good bye forever" to Jess.

"But Rory is so in love with Logan!" I don't know about you, but that "I'm in love with him despite all the bad he's done..." sounds so defeated and sad. It's almost like she's resigned herself to being in love with Logan. The first time I watched this, I thought this was foreshadowing that the relationship was on its last legs. To keep them together, Logan almost dies so Rory will bury her hurt out of guilt for holding a grudge against him. She is completely entitled to feeling hurt by Logan's actions, and I hate that she feels like she has to do this. But it happened, moving on.

"But Rory is a cheater!" When I think about Rory's characteristics, "cheater" doesn't make the list. She feels entitled to the men that she's loved and this isn’t super great behavior, but I don't view her as inherently unfaithful or okay with cheating. I give her leeway on the season 2 Jess kiss because she was a teenager with a lot of conflicting emotions and everything around her was pushing her to stay with Dean. The season 4 Dean debacle...she was still very young and naïve. I put most of the blame on Dean for manipulating her; I say most because if Rory really wanted to be with him, she should have been more sure of the status of his marriage, but I repeat: he manipulated her and she was very young and naïve. I dare to say she has been conditioned to view Dean as nothing but safe and trustworthy so why wouldn't she believe him... Season 4 was all about her being out of sorts when away from the Stars Hollow bubble and trying to reclaim some normalcy. Narratively, I see why this makes sense and I don't think the intention was to say “Rory is okay with cheating,” but to show very explicitly that Rory isn't perfect. This show goes to extremes, at this point I kind of just accept it and don't jump to "this person/character is terrible!" Certain characteristics and behaviors I have less patience for (mild) or will make me lose all respect for a character (extreme - honestly very few GG characters fall into this category for me); you may feel differently and that's fine. When other plot points in this series are much more bizarre and OOC, while this turn of events makes me uncomfortable and angry, at least it makes sense to me.

The 6x18 kiss I've already said that I don't think Rory had premeditated intent to cheat on Logan judging from the fact that Jess initiated it; yes, she went with it nor was it a complete surprise, I get this. The "I couldn't even cheat on him..." line I think is an outburst of guilt and regret, not her saying she had a plan in mind. Maybe I'm being too soft on her, I don't know...she did stay there late but maybe she just got lost in the book while waiting to say bye. We've seen her not know how to deal with conflicting emotions and change to her status quo, and attempt to distract herself when life isn't panning out the way she wants and not think about the consequences in the moment, so I don't find this scene OOC or intentionally cruel. The revival...I don’t think I can even go there right now because it would just be me screaming incoherently about how much I hate "full circle" and how bizarre the entire thing was. Maybe something of value would eventually come out with a lot of editing. XD

This isn’t to say I’m 100% on Rory’s side all the time. Pretty much every character in this show has at some point made me smile, made me laugh (generally with them, but some characters it’s more like at), made me want to give them a hug, made me roll my eyes, and made me want to throw something at them. That’s why I love it so much! Even if the drama is turned up to 1000, I still get the sense that these characters are human. My favs end up on my “will protect at all costs” and “shit” lists throughout the series, no one is immune. Except Lane. She really is the best person in this entire show. #JusticeForLaneKim

If ASP had written season 7: (Remember there being some sort of theme to this post? Only two episodes in s6, but Jess sure does make an impact.) I bet Jess would show up at some point. MV is loyal to the creators and not the show, if it was important for Jess to be there I’m sure his shooting schedule would have been accounted for. Storyline would have been similar to the revival because AYITL is ASPs season she didn’t get to do without considering how time passing affects the characters (I’M STILL SALTY) except Rory is at Yale and I think the book was a new idea. Shipping as endgame doesn’t change, and I bet there wouldn’t be a nice little Literati ending because we’ve got to end it the same way, right? I don't even need them to be together at the end because Rory has greater plans to focus on, but just a moment! One moment is all I asked for... I don’t know if this makes me mad because I felt like the narrative had been pushing us along this path for so long even if actual "endgame" was going to be offscreen or if I kind of like just having it in my imagination. Little bit of column A, little bit of column B. In any case, it could have been cool to see Jess present for the birth of his half-sister and giving Luke some support.

Like I said, I'm not touching AYITL right now. The whole starting point of this was, "huh, if MV never came back to the show, how would I feel about Jess and Literati?" And he was in it so it doesn't really fit into this even though we've gone on a meandering journey as pieces of discourse that have never sat right with me but didn't quite know how to express that disagreement until now popped in my mind. So there you go. If you’ve made it to end, claps to you, what a champ.

At the end of the day, Literati is the ship that makes me feel the most things, it's kind of just a gut thing. This really isn't any sort of argument just an outpouring of love for the show and these characters. I don't know how well that's communicated, but hey, I try. I’ve got a lot of nostalgia for the pairing and I always viewed Jess as being Rory’s, and only Rory’s, choice.

#Gilmore Girls #Literati #rory x jess #Jess Mariano #I've been writing and editing this for 2 weeks and just accidentally pressed post and uhhhh #I don’t think there's more you can do self #Just run with it

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sokkastyles · 3 years

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Azula and the Mirror

In film, mirrors are used for moments of reflection, obviously, both the physical and emotional kind, but they are also used for moments of deceit, deception, dejection, juxtaposition, contrast and comparison, distortion, delusion, breaking down and breaking through. A persona is never more vulnerable, nor stronger, than when it is staring at itself, and the visual power of these moments have been used in cinematic narratives beginning at the dawn of the medium and continuing to the present day. (source)

It might seem obvious, but mirrors used in film and television have a wealth of meaning, and present a visually striking way to get that meaning across. Mirrors show us who we really are, but they also show us what we want to see. Therefore a mirror can be a symbol of both truth and lies.

This scene in “Sozin’s Comet” is one of the most memorable Azula scenes because of the use of the visual imagery to tell us the story of who Azula is, and it’s one of the most clear pictures we get of her in the entire series. Perhaps Azula is also seeing herself for the first time, but it’s also a moment when she’s at her most self-deluded. Confronted with both the reality of herself and the lie that she desperately clings to.

I think that, more than anything, Azula craves authenticity. Her brother Zuko does, too, and I’ll make a separate post as a follow up to this one because I want to avoid going off on a tangent. I’ll keep this post focused on Azula, although since Azula is an essential part of Zuko’s narrative, it’s hard to talk about them entirely separately. So I am going to cheat a little bit here and talk about what Zuko says about Azula, since it’s one of our biggest introductions to her before we actually meet her.

Zuko (to Aang): There's always something. Not that you would understand. You're like my sister. Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. He says I was lucky to be born.

Zuko puts Azula up on a pedestal here, although it’s one that also comes with a lot of resentment. Zuko defines Azula as everything that he is not, successful where he is not, and adored where he is not. The latter is particularly interesting because although we do get a sense that Azula is “adored,” it is most likely in a shallow way. I think Azula would absolutely be the popular girl in school but she wouldn’t have very many real friends. What she would have is power and status, like many bullies do, and that might be enough to gain her a following, as it does in canon, but it’s clear that this is not enough, and I think that she’s beginning to realize it.

Azula believes in the image of herself as the perfect princess, and several other people in her life reinforce this. Ozai, Zuko, Mai and Ty Lee, Li and Lo. By the end she loses them all, though, and is left with the one person who did see her for who she was. Ironically, this is the one person she does not want to see, because this is the reflection of herself that she does not want to see.

There are several different parts of Azula at play here. The image she presents to others, the image she wishes she could present, and the image of herself that she denies.

The image she presents to others is the one Zuko talks about in “The Siege of the North.” The powerful princess who can’t even have just one hair out of place.

The person Azula wishes she coulbe, the part of herself that craves authenticity but doesn’t know how to get it, is on full display in “The Beach.”

Azula demanding to be invited to a party that Ty Lee and Mai get asked to tells us a lot about how Azula sees her friendship with the latter two. It shows Azula’s jealousy of their social skills but also her need for control in her relationships. Even before the rift between the three really starts, we get a sense that Ty Lee and Mai aren’t as fully in Azula’s corner as she thinks they are. Azula thinks that fear and control are enough to gain her friends and allies. Deep down, she knows that this is not true, however she does not know another way to be. But the party provides an opportunity to try and embrace this authentic self that she craves.

Zuko: Why didn't you tell those guys who we were?

Azula: I guess I was intrigued. I'm so used to people worshiping us.

Ty Lee: They should.

Azula: Yes, I know, and I love it. But, for once, I just wanted to see how people would treat us if they didn't know who we were.

Zuko’s question to Azula is really interesting, too, and I’ll talk about that and Zuko’s perspective in another post, because I want to keep the focus on Azula here. Azula masks her desire for authenticity in haughtiness, saying that she’s “used to” being worshipped and reinforcing Ty Lee’s comment that they should worship her them, and that she loves it, but it’s clear that what she really wants is to be liked for who she is, or rather, who she might be if she were not Ozai’s daughter, princess of the Fire Nation.

This is also shown in Azula’s jealousy of Ty Lee during the party.

Ty Lee: What? You're jealous of me? But you're the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world.

Azula: Well, you're right about all those things. But, for some reason, when I meet boys, they act as if I'm going to do something horrible to them.

I’ve seen a lot of discussion of this conversation in the context of Azula’s relationship with Ty Lee, and a lot of people cite this as a sympathetic moment for Azula or an indication that she really does care for Ty Lee, although I tend to be less charitable in that regard, since Azula just told Ty Lee that boys only liked her because she was “easy” and made her cry. For me, this scene really highlights the toxic nature of the relationship between Azula and Ty Lee, where Azula boosts her self esteem by bringing Ty Lee down. Azula does admit her jealousy of Ty Lee, and some people read this as Azula comforting Ty Lee, but 1) Azula is the one who made Ty Lee cry in the first place, and 2) Ty Lee is then put in the position of comforting Azula and assuaging Azula’s jealousy, even though Azula is the one who made Ty Lee cry. This is reminiscent of a lot of abusive relationships in which the abuser will harm their victim and then twist the narrative so that the victim has to be responsible for comforting the abuser. Ty Lee knows what is expected of her in this dynamic, and responds by reaffirming Azula’s need to be seen as perfect, Azula agrees, and all is restored in the world again.

Except Azula still craves that authenticity. When she tries it, though, she gets Ty Lee’s advice hilariously wrong, and resorts back to what she knows. Conqueror Azula. Princess of the Fire Nation. Perfect weapon.

There are a lot of moments that people point to in “The Beach” when they analyze Azula, but here’s the moment which I think is really Azula at her most authentic.

Azula: Well, those were wonderful performances, everyone.

Zuko: I guess you wouldn't understand, would you, Azula? Because you're just so perfect.

Azula: Well, yes, I guess you're right. I don't have sob stories like all of you. I could sit here and complain how our mom liked Zuko more than me, but I don't really care. My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right, of course, but it still hurt.

I’m going to take a slightly different approach than what I usually see when people talk about this scene because I do think this is when we are finally seeing a glimpse of Azula’s authentic self, but not in the way a lot of people who discuss her think.

I’ve talked about how Azula presents a mask to others. Here, she calls Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee’s emotional confessions about their deepest trauma “performances.” She uses Zuko’s confession to reinforce her place as the golden sibling, calling him “pathetic.” Zuko expresses resentment and anger at “perfect” Azula. And then Azula reveals a sob story of her own.

Azula in this scene shows deep-seated anger towards her mother, which she tries to play off flippantly, but her words reveal how deep this trauma actually is. She says her own mother thought she was a monster. Do I think that this is a reflection of what Ursa thought about Azula? Absolutely not, and I think what has to be remembered about this scene is that it comes from Azula herself. This scene, plus the mirror scene in “Sozin’s Comet” involving Azula and her mother, both originate from Azula’s thoughts and feelings about her mother. We will never know what Ursa herself really, truly thought about Azula, because all we get from her is either from Zuko or Azula’s perspective. These statements and thoughts and visions from Azula are meant to tell us about Azula, not Ursa. This is not, as the “Ursa is a bad mother” crowd insists, proof that Ursa hated Azula. This is what Azula thinks about herself.

We know that Ursa did scold Azula and try to steer her on a correct path, but that’s because Azula was acting in increasingly worrying ways in the flashbacks. The young Azula we see in “Zuko Alone” had already begun to build her Perfect Princess image, modelled after what Ozai expected her to be, and what Ozai expected her to be was both infallible and monstrous.

And a part of Azula knows that what Ozai expected of her was monstrous. But since she had no choice but to internalize it, she could not reconcile that part of herself with the part of herself that was taught right and wrong by her mother. That part of herself she locked away tightly. But comes out here, because Azula in “the Beach” is trying to achieve an authentic self, which is, in fact, what Lo and Li say at the beginning of the episode that the beach is supposed to do, and Ty Lee bookends that sentiment. Just like in the previous scenes, though, Azula still can’t quite get there. Her feelings about her mother are still couched in condescending language, she belittles the others, and she dismisses her mother in the same paragraph. She embraces the monster because that is who she was taught to be, and monsters cannot be hurt.

And that, that’s it. Azula can’t admit that she was hurt by her mother’s absence. I’ve said before that Azula translated her mother’s abandonment as “she loves Zuko more than me” because Ursa left for Azula and in the world where Azula is perfect and Zuko is nothing, that does not compute. This creates some huge cognitive dissonance which cannot be reconciled.

Azula’s confession here about her mother also is a way for her to reinforce to the group that she’s still the most powerful. She casually dismisses Mai, Zuko, and Ty Lee when they talk about their trauma so that she can talk about herself, in language that blames her mother for the person she is. It’s not that Azula is at fault, it’s not that Azula cannot reconcile her fractured sense of self, it’s that everyone else is pathetic and Ursa is a bad mother who made her feel this way, although really, she was right, so what does it matter?

One of the main reasons that most Azula redemption speculation falls flat is that they don’t acknowledge that in order for Azula to get redemption, she has to take responsibility for the ways in which she has hurt others. This would also be incredibly difficult for her, and in some ways that isn’t her fault, because she was very much a victim of Ozai’s abuse, and one way that she was a victim is because by instilling the need that she had to be perfect, Ozai made it nearly impossible for Azula to acknowledge when she was wrong. She gets perilously close here, but then retreats into blaming her mother, her brother, her friends, and anyone else, then denies that she even wants to change, which is the other thing she has to accept in order to get redemption.

Fast forward to Azula confronting her mother’s image in the mirror, which of course is really herself. This is why I hate where the comics took this particular subplot, because I do not think we were meant to interpret it as Azula actually hallucinating. What Azula is seeing in the mirror is really herself, the part of herself that understands right from wrong, but is too afraid to admit that she’s done so many things wrong. That little girl who can’t even properly mourn the loss of her own mother because she was never allowed to, because her father never let her. Right before Ursa appears, Azula attacks her own image in the mirror, viciously cutting her hair, a symbol of “perfect” Azula and an obvious symbol of Azula’s self-hatred. Just as before, though, she can’t really direct this anger and blame and pain at herself, so she conjurs up the image of her mother, who tells her all the truths she wants to deny about herself, that her mother always loved her, that she has embraced fear and control and that this has left her lonely in the end. This is the closest that Azula has ever come to realizing her authentic self, the little girl who misses her mother. But she rejects it again.

So mirrors represent self-reflection, right? The fractured mirror, then, is a clear symbol for the fractured self. These are all the sides of Azula that she cannot reconcile as one. Whereas Zuko’s narrative deals with the restructuring of the fractured self, Azula’s narrative deals with what happens when the fractured self never becomes whole.

#azula #zuko #ursa #ozai #ty lee #mai #atla meta #abuse cw

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bevercges · 3 years

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🐭 • So we literally know nothing about Bradley’s shenanigans between the end of Coon vs. Coon & Friends, when he left Earth to discover what happened to his home planet, and Bring the Crunch, where he states that he is living there now and doing who knows what.

Well I always wanted to write a post giving my thoughts on the subject (and I have a bit of a teaser here) so, for the sake of future RPs, I may as well do it. I will probably divide this into two posts because the Lore and my shenanigans are different things.

Just saying it now: this is mostly my own making and ideas as there’s very little canonical backing on the topic. If I have anything that I can quote to use as proof of my statements I will do it, but this is mostly my own interpretation.

youtube

Bradley Biggle has been around as a background character since Season 3, joining the main four as one of their classmates after moving to the fourth grade in Season 4. Still, until Season 14, he has been a (recognizable) background character with voice roles that could be easily counted with your hands –akin to characters like DogPoo or Kevin Stoley–.

The introductory paragraph above is a way of saying: we didn’t really know that much about Bradley until the Coon & Friends Trilogy. Hell, we still don’t, it is only on the final part of the trilogy, Coon Vs. Coon & Friends, when we learn a few things about him, and that episode starts with the video above.

“But Bradley Biggle is no ordinary fourth-grader!”

I am not going to waste time explaining why is Mintberry Crunch and what he does (for that’s what his About Page is all about) but, obviously, the entire clip is a form of foreshadowing to the ending. Spoilers to a 10-year-old episode: Bradley receives a message from outer space in which he’s told that he’s an alien from a far away planet whose destiny is to save Earth from C’thulu. Also Kenny thought that this revelation was going to be for him so he got scammed of his backstory, I guess.

So yeah, Bradley is a superhero with a backstory akin to Superman: he is an enhanced alien that was sent off to safety as a baby during times of crisis, and was found, adopted and raised by a human family, the Biggles. Yeah, I don’t think anyone really thought that Bradley and Henrietta were biological siblings, but whatever.

While we don’t know if everyone in the planet K'oh Kajan (or Kokujon, as I will be typing it like that) has the same powers as MBC, since we know that the berries of that planet “have the power to fuel nearly anything”, I’m going to take a guess that the “nearly” is there because they cannot grant superpowers to people, so Bradley is the outlier and a case of the chosen one. He is the only one with this powers, basically.

So he defeats C’thulu with his mint and berry superpowers and stuff (yes, defeats, he can only summon mint and berry to his aid, which would mostly work to reduce an opponent rather than killing them), and this episode ends with what would mark MBC’s exit from the show (outside of the very rare background appearance) for a very long time:

Canonically-speaking, this is what we know.

Bradley left to search for his biological parents (and his home planet, I suppose) and we would not hear about him for sure until Season 21. To be more precise, we would not hear about MBC’s shenanigans until his appearance in Fractured But Whole’s second DLC, Bring the Crunch.

youtube

Timestamp goes from 1:06 to 2:22 (unless you want spoilers).

Funny enough, while this would mark MBC’s return, it still does not give us much information about what he has been up to before the events pertaining this DLC. However, we still get a few clues from his in-game dialogue which I’m going to interpret for you guys.

"I picked up your distress call from the berry mines of my home planet. I've come to offer my assistance."

Something we know for sure is that he made it back to Kokujon!! This means that the main reason he has been away for so long (or so it’s my guess) is because he found his home planet, reunited with his biological parents and decided to settle there instead of returning to Earth with the Biggles. We still know that he visits, however, as he appears in Stick of Truth and in some more episodes (before disappearing again in Season 22):

We still don’t really know anything about his home planet, though, outside of very selective information he gives in and out of battle. Here’s a few examples:

"It's so weird being back on Earth. I can't believe you guys only have one sun!"

“You wanna know the best thing about Kokujon? No school."

"I didn't travel halfway across the galaxy to be treated like this."

He doesn’t live anywhere in the Solar System, that’s for sure, because not only he has traveled “across the galaxy” to respond to Fastpass’ distress call (which is another can of worms in itself, because how could have he received a call like that from literal light years away?), but also our system only has one sun.

This is just me trying to tie things together with South Park canon (so it’s a bit of a tangent), but in Season 13, in the episode Pinewood Derby, we are made aware of the existence of the Federation of Planets, a government body that is on a galactic level. The only reason I mention this is because MBC has proven to be capable of traveling at warp speed –traveling from his home planet to Earth in a matter of (what I am going to suppose were) minutes after receiving that distress call–, and all the planets that have discovered warp speed are part of the Federation, so that must be the case for Kokujon.

The exception to this rule, if anyone has watched the episode, would be Earth, but that’s because they didn’t meet the requirements to join the Federation and were blocked off the rest of the galaxy instead.

Not sure if this is canon anymore, but if it is that means that Bradley is constantly breaking the law by visiting a planet that has been labeled as off-limits, but he is not the only alien that has set foot in South Park anyways.

Actually, speaking of breaking the law and stuff, that reminds me... here is a screenshot of MBC’s character sheet:

While most characters in FBW have the Lawful (and only Lawful) alignment, MBC stands out because he has a more specific alignment. Not only he is Chaotic (which explains the possibility of him being breaking the law whenever he travels back to Earth), but also Neutral, which makes him... a morally grey character. He is neither good, neither bad, he is just... well, himself.

Why am I bringing this up anyways? Because there is one detail about the Kokujonian society that those that have played the DLC are aware about: the caste system.

"On my home planet, you'd get 10 years in the berry mines for that!"

The mention of these berry mines have been a thing ever since Season 14, but this line that can pop up when MBC is attacked in game has quite the connotations. Simple: you commit a crime, you are sent to the berry mines. You commit a crime, you work at the berry mines. You commit a crime, you become a slave. But you could say “oh, Mouse, but it could be like community service like many prisons on Earth- “ and I would have to tell you that you’re wrong because even MBC says so himself.

Despite being a trope in many sci-fi stories based around alien societies it is a very fucked up elephant in the room and everyone and their mother knows this. The last mission in the Bring the Crunch DLC involves fighting (and killing) a mind-controlling alien whose motivation was revenge against the society that put his family (and possibly his entire race to) into this position. Not only that, but if MBC is being truthful, the Kokujonian society has no issue to do the same with anyone that breaks the law, even their own people.

So, does the fact that he is part of this society make Bradley evil? No. Once again, he is Chaotic Neutral, he is just Bradley. And looking at the definition of Chaotic Neutral:

“Chaotic neutral characters like to indulge in everything. [...] This type of character will at least consider doing anything if they can find enjoyment or amusement. Life has meaning, but theirs has the greatest meaning. According to chaotic neutrals, laws and rules infringe on personal freedom and were meant to be broken. This character is always looking for the best deal, and will work with good, neutral, or evil to get it; as long as he comes out of the situation on top. The chaotic neutral is constantly teetering between good and evil, rebelling, and bending the law to fit his needs.”

His alignment makes him more complicated than the black-and-white idea that is being good or being evil on one fact alone. He is defined, however, by the fact that he does what he pleases regardless of what society, morality and laws say. And this is easily backed up by how he addresses the Crooked Cop enemy class in FBW:

"Earth police have no jurisdiction over... Mintberry Crunch!"

"Authority figures are no match for... the crunch!"

So, basically, his alignment makes him a free spirit and, at best, because his family owns slaves, he would be a proxy. He’s mostly a 10-year-old with superpowers that has been granted total freedom to do what he wants and takes full advantage of it (an also a superhero and an illegal alien on Earth, literally and figuratively), so he is not precisely defined by the society of his home planet. I do believe, though, that he has been influenced by the Kokujonian society as a result of living with his biological parents, so his morality and ideas flip-flop a lot.

“Chaotic neutral characters are extremely difficult to deal with. Such characters have been known to cheerfully and for no apparent purpose gamble away everything they have on the roll of a single die. They are almost totally unreliable. In fact, the only reliable thing about them is that they cannot be relied upon!”

MBC choosing to fight that alien (an alien he carelessly allowed to follow him to Earth) could also be interpreted as personal defense and him defending planet Earth from an outer space threat as the Zarganor voices his intentions pretty clearly in-battle, but everyone is welcome to draw their own conclusions since both of them were motivated by very different things.

Anyways, once again, Kokujon is a pretty fucked up planet, but it is also Bradley’s home planet. We can assume that finding this planet and his biological parents helped him discover his real identity as Gok'zarah and, once he accomplished this goal, decided that he had nothing else worth pursuing and settled. He is rather unpredictable, as his alignment dictates, so he may not even stay on Kokujon a lot and instead travels through the galaxy- but those are headcanons of mine.

In conclusion, as a TL;DR: Bradley disappeared from Season 14 to Season 21, and then from Season 22 and onwards, because he’s an alien and has chosen to live in his home planet. Said planet’s society has its fucked up side but Bradley is so unpredictable due to his free spirit nature it is hard to pin-point his morals.

Anyways, for a character that started as a joke character that was used as a deus ex machina, I think he’s pretty cool! :·D And probably one of the strongest characters in this show’s universe.

#📁 • OOC.#🍚 • Bradley!About.#🍚 • Bradley!Headcanon.#cw long post #(Though in this blog I love all of my boys this one has a weird history.)#(I still remember when I liked MBC in an ironical sense; yeah; sure.)#(Now he's just one of my favorite characters ever LOL.)#(What do you mean I shouldn't care this much about a joke character?.)

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bow-woahh · 4 years

Note

If you’re still doing the game, chapter 6 from the grocery store onward?

Send me your favorite scene/chapter from one of my works and I’ll post a DVD commentary on it.

ask and you shall receive!

Little bit of background info, this chapter is obviously part one of two, chapter six being it's better if I calm down, and chapter 7 being the rest of the line: it's better if I lash out. If you listened to the song full stop, you might have already known that lmao

I felt like these two chapters worked well being split into two parts (I mean imagine how long it would have been if it wasn't ... like no thank you) because of the overarching themes across them and most importantly, the plot line with her mom and the readers not knowing what's putting her on edge in chapter 6. It was so much fun to play around with and hint that there was clearly something bothering her. I think in my outline, before I found the official title this chapter was called "calm before the storm" because that truly is what it is, there's a lot of nice, fun moments, but it's clear there is something bad on the way.

Anyway, tangent over, commentary time!

They caught a bus to get to the closest grocery store, which was still a twenty minute journey away, so Catra ignored Diego for most of the ride, listening to music and texting Adora.

When I was originally outlining chapters and everything, the grocery scene wasn't planned in to this chapter (I just love giving myself more to do). I have a section in my outline document where it's kinda just a thought dump of things I want to happen possibly at some point, because I think it'd be cool or cute or whatever. This was one of those instances, and because this chapter felt a bit bare bones at first (the final product was not in the slightest) I added this in as it felt like a great way to introduce Adora and Diego and since Catra and Adora are still fairly early in their relationship here, it just worked so well, because they truly didn't expect to see each other.

“Hey, hi! I knew you said you were going shopping, but I didn’t think—well I guess it does make sense since you live in Alwyn but—”

Okay, time for context no one asked for! Bright Moon is the city they are in (obviously) and Frighton (the Fright Zone) is the neighbouring city. Bright Moon is kinda split into lower city, upper city and mid/center city (guess which kinda classes live where). Alwyn and Elberon (where Catra and Adora live respectively) are more lower city, so they are typically where poorer people live, though there are some nice places there I'm sure. Just not many.

Adora said, “Loser? Nah, Catra’s actually super cool, trust me.” She looked at Adora, properly, for the first time in a few minutes, and found her staring back at her with a fond smile.

Adora's piss poor attempt at flirting. Jk, but I do think this moment is v cute and I just love how Adora defended Catra, even though it's just her younger cousin being stupid. We love to see it.

Once again Diego beat her to it, opening the door and saying, “Sure!” before jumping out and slamming it shut.

[Context for this line: Adora asked if they needed help taking the bags out of her truck.] Honestly, Diego's really cute here. He really admires Adora and looks up to her so he's taking every possible opportunity to talk to her, and be around her.

“You know you could've left, like, ages ago, right Grayskull?"

“Yeah well,” Adora did that little shrug she always did. “I didn't mind.”

Narrowing her eyes for a moment, Catra said slowly, “Alright. Well, you can go now. And I should probably head in.”

She turned to go inside, when Adora grabbed her wrist. “Wait.”

Ahhh I love this whole section of dialogue so I had to talk about it. These two are just... useless. What I love about them, and writing them in specifically this, is the constant push and pull with them, how they can never just explicitly say whar they want, either in fear they'll be judged and rejected or because they don't even fully understand what they want to begin with. With Catra and Adora, as much as one can say something like "You should go" the other will always hesitate to, will always have something at the tip of their tongue that they're not quite saying, or like here, will literally tell them to stay, using words or otherwise. They want each other but aren't quite ready to admit it yet. And I just think that's beautiful.

Also the grabbing of the wrist and the "Wait"? Pretty sure that was an accidental reference to the "stay" scene in Taking Control but it's so ingrained into my brain I'm sure it was subconscious.

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

This line is just so... teenage romance vibes and I love it

Even though they had been talking nonstop for days now, and had seen each other just the other day, there was a palpable tension in the air, one that Catra wasn’t exactly sure how to deal with.

The said tension was definitely more on Adora's end than Catra's, because obviously, Catra is still hiding things (or more accurately, just not sharing them) and although Adora wants to pretend to be fine with it, the closer she gets, the more she wants to know what the truth is, she doesn't want to listen to the lies and rumours anymore.

Adora studied her face for a moment, before saying carefully, “Well, I, uh, have a ton of old gear I’ve been meaning to get rid of, but maybe you could ask him if he wants it? It’d be a good start.”

Catra hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “I'm sure he'd like that. I'll, uh, see what he says and get back to you.”

“Great!” Adora beamed.

Another little moment I love because Adora is just so considerate here and understands that Catra doesn't want to delve into things like money issues. She also gets Catra isn't one to accept handouts but the way she puts it isn't ‘let me help you out’ but more ‘you'd be doing me a favour’. Adora understands how she feels. She gets it.

“Why did he think you were texting your ‘boyfriend’ by the way?” Adora asked, and Catra felt her heart drop to her stomach. She hadn’t thought Adora had been paying attention to what Diego said (arguably nobody should ever pay attention to anything he says, ever) but of course she had, because once again, Catra had underestimated Adora’s observational skills.

“Because he's a stupid kid who doesn't know what he's talking about.”

Honestly Diego isn't that far from the truth he just needs to turn that 'boy' in boyfriend to girl.

Also the fact Adora is asking about this.... interesting. Catra's answer.....very defensive and also interesting. Once again they're so many unspoken words and subtext layered in all of this. It's like a tiered cake.

“That? Oh, nah. I don't—it's not really any of her business, y'know?” Catra replied, staring just past Adora’s shoulder.

Catra is replying to Adora asking whether or not Serenia knows she's a lesbian and, well, obviously what she said wasn't true. Well it was, technically, but she's ommiting the real reason. As I've already at least slightly portrayed, Catra has a complicated relationship with her sexuality, and I don't want to spoil it but that will definitely be explored more in the future, and Serenia definitely plays a part in it, being her guardian after all.

“I guess it was always kind of obvious. I never looked at guys the same way I look at girls—my first crush was some girl in like elementary, although I didn't realise at the time, and they just continued from there. I thought all girls had crushes on other girls at some point, that wishing I was a guy so I could be with them was what everyone did. When I realised they didn't, that it was weird, I spent all my time convincing myself I just wanted to be my celebrity crush and not be with them, until I actually kissed a girl for the first time. Then I couldn't exactly ignore it. I still tried to though. Especially when—well yeah, I tried to deny it for a while. But then, I guess I got tired. Of lying to myself.”

This whole paragraph is just... yes. No one has ever asked Catra how she knew, but more importantly, Catra has never wanted to answer this question, and if it were anyone else asking, she would have definitely shut it down, or answered with something short and simple. It's because it's Adora, and because she's growing more comfortable with her, to the point where she doesn't mind, even wants to share these types of details about herself. That vulnerability is even more important in chapter 7, so this was a stepping stone of sorts for her.

“So, uh, how about you? Not that I’m saying that you’re—but since you asked…” She cursed at herself internally when Adora's expression morphed into one of surprise, eyes slightly widening.

“Oh, me? I, um—I don't really know. Is that weird? I just haven't ever really thought too much about it. I guess my main priorities are school, lacrosse, and work.”

God, it's in moments like these where I wish I wrote from Adora's perspective as well. Because there's a lot to unpack here. She's not lying when she says this, I do think this is partially how she feels. But, some could argue it's so obvious how much she likes Catra, and she's definitely admired some women before. So. I'll leave it at that because otherwise I'll say too much.

Quickly though, back to the what I said about writing in Adora's perspective... saying this here and here only because I don't know if it'll happen but I did have an idea to make a sequel of sorts, from her perspective. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The smooth stream had been interrupted once Adora had asked if Catra's had any plans next week, with Halloween coming up. The relaxed, open demeanor that Adora had seen for the past few hours had almost instantly closed up again, and she could hardly focus on what Adora was saying anymore.

Now that Chapter 7 is out, why she reacted this way obviously makes a lot of sense, but to add more of a commentary to it, as we saw throughout this chapter she was trying her best to ignore her emotions about her mom's death anniversary because for once things were going well and therefore she had other things to focus on. Adora mentioning Halloween forced Catra to acknowledge it, along with the memories that come with her mothers death.

“Promise you won't ditch me?”

“I, Adora Grayskull, promise not to ditch you,” she said, hand on heart.

We love a good promise cameo.

“Did you really get kicked out? Of Horde High?”

Catra should have been expecting this to come up once again. It was bound to. With all the rumours. Especially when Sparkles seemed to be a fan with how she brought it up on Sunday.

I've already talked a bit about the rumours and how they arose in my chap 1 commentary, but really I wanted to talk about Glimmer here, since her scene was before the grocery scene and I have a lot to say about this one. Initially when I wrote it, the scene was a fairly quick altercation that kinda lacked a real punch, but after spending a little more time on it after my beta pointed some things out...it hit hard. I know there is a fuck Glimmer train at the moment because, yeah, Glimmer is pretty mean in that scene. And other scenes. I don't know why I love writing Glimmer as her S4 self so much, but it's fun to play around with okay? I like how she can take on an almost antagonistic role at times.

Glimmer thinks what she is doing is to the benefit of her own friend, by pointing out all of Catra's faults and the fact that she's from the Horde, but I also think there's a little jealousy there. No Glimmer doesn't like Adora, but she is quite a possessive friend, so I can't imagine she likes the fact Adora is spending so much time with someone she doesn't know, and to add to it, she's got the worst reputation in the school. So.

Catra thought back to the moment, and remembered what had provoked it, all the way back in eighth grade. “Yeah. I'd say they did.”

Exclusive for Tumblr gang only, but yes they did on fact deserve it because they called Catra the d-slur. This was during a time where she was really struggling with her sexuality so at the time, this cut deep.

As Catra lay in bed that night, she found her mind wandering back to Adora's handshake, how they had held on for just a little too long, mismatched eyes staring into blue ones. How such a casual touch had brought back that burning sensation, that need to be closer.

Ah...the handshake. There is literally no other reason for this other than the fact they are gay. This chapter along with the next are especially important for their development physically—they get a lot more comfortable touching each other in passing but at the same time they still have to find a reason to touch each other (hence the handshake). Either way, it helps break another barrier in their relationship, and this is even moreso the case in chapter 7. I don't know if you noticed, but that chapter is full of small touches and more, but they couldn't have gotten there if it wasn't for the little steps along the way.

Boy that was a long one! I hope you guys enjoyed this, I know I said chap 8 would be out soon but schools really kicking my ass, trying to find a balance is hard. Nevertheless, it will be out asap, I appreciate your patience! (:

#spop #catradora #micah answering asks #bloom #bloom asks #asks and answers #send anons #ty anon #again #this was fun

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just-an-anxious-mess · 6 years

Text

Get Rid Of Me (Part 1 of 2)

Second Part

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of suicidal thoughts, blood, suicide attempts.

Also I’m actually sorry for this one, it was quite draining for me to write.

Anxiety stared out of the window, entranced by the moonlight that streamed into his room and lit everything up almost as brightly as the sun did. He loved looking at the moon. For some reason he always felt much calmer when looking at it.

He managed to tear his eyes away from the window and climbed into bed, the moon unable to keep the thoughts at bay for long. Today had been particularly terrible. He'd had a mild panic attack which caused Thomas to have one too when he was about to go on stage for an audition.

Roman had been furious and just about managed to get Thomas through the audition. Afterwards he'd proper laid into Anxiety with harsh words to tell him how he always made things worse.

Anxiety closed his eyes with a sigh, he could handle what Roman said because it was no worse than how he described himself. The one thing that had stung slightly was the comment Logan had then made about him being a disorder rather than an actual trait so it was expected of him to mess everything up for the rest of them.

Apparently he was never meant to exist and should have been erased long ago. Anxiety wasn't a trait everyone had and people even took medication to get rid of it.

Suddenly Anxiety had a thought. What if Thomas were to take it? How would it affect him? Did he really care anymore? He was tired of the comments and horrible feelings he was forced to carry. Maybe if Thomas took the medication it would kill him and he'd finally be able to relax.

Anxiety ran a hand down his face, ignoring the fact he smudged his eye makeup and tried to think of the cons behind Thomas taking the medication. He couldn't think of any.

With this he decided to try and get at least an hours sleep before he pushed the idea into Thomas's mind.

The next morning Anxiety woke up in a cold sweat, his sleep having been plagued by the usual nightmares.

He stood up on shaky legs and tried to think of how he could broach the idea of Thomas taking medication. Eventually he decided to just mention the idea to him.

He waited until Thomas was alone and popped up next to him.

"hey Thomas." he greeted and felt more confident about his question when Thomas flinched and then groaned quietly at realising who had turned up.

"what is it Anxiety?" Thomas asked warily.

"I was thinking that I've been making you feel particularly bad recently and I was going to suggest you take anxiety medication to try and prevent me from being tempted to mess with you as much." Anxiety managed to keep his voice level throughout his sentence.

Thomas frowned at this, unsure why Anxiety would suddenly suggest he take meds but the idea sure was tempting. "I'll consider it and if I think that it could be a good idea I'll try it"

Anxiety nodded and sank back into the mind space, disappearing into his room immediately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thomas scrolled through Twitter and Tumblr, occasionally liking and replying to his fans when he stumbled across a post someone had shared.

It was a long paragraph of someone describing how much their anxiety used to rule their life until they were properly diagnosed and medicated and now they felt much better and could do everything with minimum stress.

It was definitely starting to sound appealing and he found himself almost dialling the number for a clinic but he hesitated as a thought struck him.

How would the medicine effect Anxiety? Would it just make him more relaxed or tired? Or maybe it would hurt him or even kill him? Thomas shuddered and put his phone down. He couldn't take the risk that it would seriously harm Anxiety.

Thomas wondered if he should consult Logan about the situation but before he could Roman popped up with a brand new idea for a video.

"Hello Thomas, I've just thought of a marvellous idea for your next video." he said with a flourish and a large proud grin.

"Cool. I was actually about to call Logan for some advice about something but you might also be able to help me." Thomas said, shifting his weight awkwardly as he tried to think of the right words to bring up.

"Of course I can help you, I am the Prince. That's what I'm here for." Roman said brushing imaginary dirt off of his clothes.

Thomas took a deep breath before asking "do you think I should take medication for my anxiety?"

Roman frowned and thought for a while, trying to think of why Thomas would hesitate.

"why of course. That's got to be one of the best ideas you've had, it will make everything a whole lot easier for us to work in a productive positive way." He said, gesturing his arms wildly.

"you don't think it'll harm Anxiety in any way?" Thomas asked, slightly less hesitant.

Roman paused momentarily, he hadn't thought of that. "I don't think it will, it's a great idea but how did you come up with it?" he asked, slightly annoyed that Thomas hadn't needed him for thinking up the idea.

"well actually, Anxiety told me he thought it'd make him less tempted to mess everything up." Thomas explained.

Roman felt a flash of anger and jealousy. He was the one who was supposed to help Thomas have ideas, not Anxiety. "well for once I agree with him and if he suggested it then there's no way it'd harm him, he'd never do anything that would put his life in danger." Roman said, his anger showing slightly in the way he grit his teeth.

Thomas considered this and shrugged, accepting Romans logic of the situation." OK, if your sure I guess I'll call the clinic and book an appointment or something."

Roman beamed and synced out with a cheerful goodbye. As he popped back into the mind space he let his smile drop and he stomped furiously towards his room. How did he not think of that before Anxiety of all people? He slammed his bedroom door and tried to calm his breathing. At least it would be better soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anxiety stayed in his room for the rest of the day unsure if Thomas would actually listen to his idea until he heard him arranging an appointment.

He felt his lip twitch into a shadow of a smile but only for half a second before his face went back to normal. He'd accomplished the first step, all he had to do now was wait and then down play the effects of the tablets until it was too late.

He knew the others wouldn't let him kill himself but that was merely because they didn't want to feel guilty or like they failed to 'save' someone. It definitely wasn't because they cared that was for sure.

Before he knew it the day of the appointment arrived and Anxiety decided if today was his last day then he'd try and see just how much he could affect Thomas and how pissed off he could make the others.

Thomas was getting ready to go when he suddenly had a thought. "what if they don't believe me?" he muttered, causing him to pause midway through putting his jacket on. "what if they say I don't need the medication and I'm just a bit paranoid. Or worse what happens if they think I'm crazy and they put me in a psychiatric ward?" Thomas started to panic until Roman appeared.

"Thomas, relax. Everything is going to be fine." he said comfortingly and breathed a sigh of relief as it worked, until Anxiety popped up.

"is it though? From an outsiders perspective you talk to yourself and if that doesn't scream split personality disorder then I don't know what does." Anxiety tried to speak in a normal voice but he was also terrified of the doctor refusing to medicate Thomas or finding out that Thomas could see aspects of his personality.

Roman was getting annoyed by Anxietys constant interruptions with negative comments. "you're being ridiculous Anxiety. Just stop making him miserable for once in his life." he snapped, sending a glare full of hatred at the darker trait.

Anxiety inhaled sharply but pretended to ignore Romans comment. "Thomas if you don't hurry up you're going to be late and you'll never get the medication. You'll turn up too late and you won't be able to see the doctor and then you'll be too embarrassed at wasting the doctors time that you'll never want to phone them up again." Anxiety got lost in a tangent of worst case scenario, his voice getting higher and his words more rushed.

It wasn't until Roman shouted at him to shut up that Anxiety realised what he'd been doing and how close he'd been to saying they'd never be rid of him without the medication.

Thomas eventually left and Anxiety and Roman were forced to sync down.

"can't you just leave him alone for one day?" Roman asked and if Anxiety didn't know him better he would have said he was pleading with him.

Anxiety shook his head, not sure he'd be able to keep his voice steady. He'd actually tried to be like the others but it didn't work and it always ended up effecting Thomas negatively so he'd given up.

Romans anger was steadily building and as he took in Anxietys bored expression he couldn't help but make an angry comment. "just leave Thomas alone, go mope in your bedroom and stop popping up to make his life miserable. At least when he takes the medication he'll probably feel much better and it'll probably chill you out." with this last comment he spun on his heel and stalked towards his room, almost missing the soft "OK fine, you'll never see me again."

Roman struggled not to turn around and kept walking, Anxiety was only talk. Right?

Anxietys face fell as soon as Roman had turned around and he slowly began making his way to his room, anticipating when Thomas would take the medication.

He locked his door, making sure to put his wardrobe and chest of drawers in front of it in case Roman tried to kick it down like last time when he'd accidentally given Thomas a panic attack.

He shuddered at that memory. He'd barely been a trait for a week and Roman was so angry he'd actually hit him. He'd apologised a couple days later when Anxiety explained he hadn't meant to give Thomas a panic attack but he knew then that the others merely tolerated him and they'd prefer him to be gone.

Anxiety walked slowly towards his mirror and was shocked to see that he'd forgotten to clean up his eyeshadow which he'd smudged down his face. How did neither Thomas or Roman say anything? Because they don't care about him, that's why.

He turned from the mirror and climbed into his wardrobe that was leaning against the door. That way if anyone did break down the door it would tip the wardrobe and he'd be safe inside it away from their venomous words. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thomas walked back into his apartment, tablets in hand. It had been way easier than he'd thought and the doctor hadn't needed convincing of his anxiety like he thought he would.

He sat down on the sofa, pills in one hand, a glass of water in the other. He'd read through the side effects but there was no clue to how they'd affect Anxiety. He hesitated and called for Roman.

"I told you everything would turn out fine." he exclaimed as he noticed the pills. "what are you waiting for? Take them."

Thomas nodded but still he hesitated. "do you think I should call for Anxiety and make sure he's alright?" Thomas asked, his worry back but worse with the tablets actually in his hand.

"He'll be fine just take them and stop hesitating. It was his idea in the first place so there's no danger." Romans voice was eager and Thomas agreed that if Anxiety had suggested he take them then there was no way they'd cause him harm.

He shoved the pills in his mouth and gulped down water, letting out a sigh as he sat down to wait for them to kick in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About half an hour later, maybe an hour, Thomas felt full of energy and he had a big smile on his face. "I feel like I can film and edit a video all day today." he said with a grin and Roman beamed as they began brainstorming.

Anxiety sat in his wardrobe and felt the first hint of pain. It was in his lungs and each breath felt like he was drowning. Eventually that stopped but the ache was there and when he coughed his hands were splattered with blood.

He swallowed and ignored the ache in his lungs and throat, he needed to pretend nothing was wrong. He wiped the blood onto his hoodie, blood didn't show up as much on black.

Suddenly he felt incredibly dizzy and as he slumped sideways he wondered how long it'd take for him to die. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Logan felt a weird shift happen within the mind and he put down his pen to see what Thomas was up to.

"hey Logan, we're brainstorming ideas for a video, want to help?" came the cheery voice of Thomas and Logan rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I was actually coming to see if anything different had happened as there was an abnormal shift in your mind." Logan was straight to the point and started to scan the surrounding area.

"actually..." Thomas began but Roman interrupted.

"can you go please, we were in the middle of coming up with ideas and I need complete concentration." his voice was snobbish and arrogant which made Logan bristle slightly before taking a couple deep breaths and muttering "nevermind"

Logan went back to the mind space and started to theorise about what had changed.

"hey Logan, why are you looking so Grumpy? Anyone would think you're... Short tempered." Pattons cheery voice interrupted Logans thoughts and he groaned at the cringey Disney pun.

"Something has changed in Thomas's mind and I'm trying to deduce what." Logan didn't even open his eyes as he explained this in a slow voice as if Patton was a child.

"deduce? You mean like Sherlock Holmes? Ooo do we get to dress up again?" Patton exclaimed happily, clapping his hands.

Logan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "no Patton, I'm just trying to figure out what's changed." his voice was exasperated but that didn't deter Patton.

"can I help?" he asked enthusiastically.

Logan bit back an immediate negative response and decided it would keep Patton busy and he might be able to figure out what had changed then.

"fine." he muttered and covered his ears as Patton squealed happily.

Patton immediately popped up to talk to Thomas about the sort of game he and Logan were playing.

"hey kiddo, me and Logan are playing another detective game." he said cheerfully.

Thomas glanced up from where he was writing and gave Patton a grin. "you mean you asked him if you could help him figure out what's 'changed?' he's probably imagining things, I feel happy and perfectly fine so it's not a bad change whatever it is." Thomas's voice was loud and full of confidence that it made Pattons heart swell with pride.

At least until he spotted the box sitting on the table.

"Hey Thomas, whats in that box?" he asked innocently.

Thomas and Roman rolled their eyes and Thomas replied "they're painkillers for a headache I had earlier but it's completely gone now."

Thomas didn't even feel bad about the almost lie he told. It was pretty much true though, Anxiety caused him to have headaches sometimes and the medication made them stop because they prevented anxiety. Technically it was still the truth.

Patton nodded with a forced smile and quickly went to find Logan.

Logan opened his eyes at the knock on his door and rolled his eyes as Patton burst in without waiting to be told.

"I know what's changed!" he panted.

"what is it Patton?" Logan asked, expecting either a pun or a silly comment.

"Thomas is taking some strange medication. He told me it was painkillers for his headaches but that's not what it looked like." Patton was worried and Logan decided it was worth checking out.

"OK fine I'll go see what they are."he said and quietly popped up back in the living room.

Patton popped up in the kitchen and called for Thomas and Roman." let's try and get you to cook yourself something. "he said, immediately getting Romans interest as that was a goal he and Thomas had decided needed to be tackled soon.

While Patton distracted Thomas and Roman, Logan snuck towards the sofa and read the box. It meant very little so he glanced at the leaflet and felt his face go extremely pale.

He sunk back into the mind space and waited for Patton to come back.

Eventually Patton came back and Logan blurted out "he's taking anxiety medication."

Patton frowned in confusion. "what is that? What is it supposed to do?"

"it's supposed to help someone block out their anxiety and if I'm correct then Anxiety will be feeling the full effects of it." Logan was slightly worried now and Patton was getting upset.

"what do we do?" he asked, voice edged with panic.

"we need to check on Anxiety." Logan responded immediately and Patton was already up the hallway before he finished speaking.

"Anxiety? Are you alright in there?" Logan asked, dread creeping through him as he heard no hint of a response.

Patton knocked on the door and then tried to walk in but the door was locked.

"maybe we should get Roman to kick it down?" Patton asked frantically.

Logan frowned and made a quick decision. "we're going to confront Thomas about this."

And that's how they found themselves in the living room arguing over whether Thomas should have taken the medication or not.

"Anxiety suggested it himself." Thomas eventually blurted out and suddenly Patton burst into tears. The others may not have noticed how much the dark trait hated himself but Patton had always noticed. He'd even held him through a panic attack one night when he forgot to lock his door.

The words that spewed out of his mouth about himself and how everyone would be better off without him had made Patton pay special attention and care to him and if Anxiety had asked Thomas to take the pills then it meant he wanted to be hurt or killed and that thought destroyed Patton.

Roman, Thomas and Logan froze at the sight of Patton in such distress. It wasn't until he gasped out "he wants to die." that Roman suddenly put two and two together.

"this is all my fault." he muttered, staring blankly into space as he remembered how he'd convinced Thomas to take them and how he'd told Anxiety to leave Thomas alone and Anxiety had said he'd never see him again.

Suddenly he had an idea "we need to go check in Anxiety!"

Patton was crying too hard to talk but Logan said "we tried his door and it's locked."

Roman nodded in understanding and grabbed Thomas's arm. "we're going into your mind and we're going to try and see if Anxiety is alright."

Thomas shrugged and replied "cool, I guess."

The four of them suddenly appeared outside Anxietys door and Roman kicked it until it came off its hinges but he found a wardrobe and chest of drawers in the way. "he really doesn't want to be disturbed." he muttered and managed to push the wardrobe out of the way so they could get inside.

Once inside they looked around the room and couldn't find any hint of Anxiety.

"where is he?" Patton asked fearfully, clinging to Logans arm as he looked around.

Logan shrugged and glanced at Thomas who looked more interested in Anxietys room than the fact Anxiety was missing and could potentially be seriously injured.

Roman was scanning the room and his eyes locked onto a strange smear on the wardrobe. He crept closer and realised it was a trail of some kind of substance leading into the wardrobe.

"I think I found him." he whispered and the others crowded round as he opened the doors.

Patton immediately gagged and hid his face in Logans back who had paled considerably.

Roman collapsed onto his knees, guilt and horror running through his mind.

The only one who seemed unaffected was Thomas. In fact he glanced in the wardrobe, muttered "gross" and went back to looking at Anxietys stuff.

Anxiety lay slumped against the side of the wardrobe, blood trailing from his mouth to the pool he was sitting in. There was so much and it was slightly congealed so the doors of the wardrobe had been stuck slightly.

Roman eventually managed to convince himself to be brave and he picked up the unconscious trait, becoming aware of how worryingly light he was.

"put him on the bed." instructed Logan, prising Pattons hands off of his clothes.

Roman did as he was told and Logan quick began checking Anxiety over.

"his pulse is faint but it's still there." he muttered as he worked on clearing the blood from Anxietys airways.

Patton had now clung onto Roman for comfort and Thomas had even started to be more attentive to what was going on.

"why is Thomas not worried?" Roman asked, his voice full of annoyance.

"if I'm correct, and I usually am, Anxiety represents more than just anxiety. He also has control of Thomas's fear and shame. This helps prevent him from being reckless and careless in situations that could be hazardous to Thomas's health. In simple terms, Thomas isn't worried because that's what Anxiety makes him do and he's not able to do that right now." Logans voice remained neutral but the slight shake of his hands as he pushed his glasses further up his nose betrayed his nerves.

Roman nodded and looked down at Anxiety, guilt flooding him as he thought back to how many times he'd made a snide comment and how that must have affected him more than he knew.

"he's so good at hiding it." Roman said but Patton shook his head.

"no he's not, you've never really looked at him properly. It's obvious just how much he hates himself and I've held him through an anxiety attack before and the only words he could say were self depreciating. He's been suffering for so long." Patton dissolved into tears again.

Roman and Logan tensed up as they thought over all the conversations they'd had with Anxiety and started to notice the tone of voice he used that they'd ignored at the time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anxiety could hear voices somewhere around him. He couldn't make out who they belonged to because it sounded echoey and distant but he guessed it was probably the other traits.

He strained his ears and overheard someone that might have been Patton saying something about someone suffering for so long.

Anxiety started to remember what had happened and he realised he'd been affected by the medication worse than he thought he would be but he guessed that was probably because of how heightened he was for Thomas.

He couldn't move, he was in a state of paralysis but he didn't care. The fact they'd found him meant they'd stop Thomas taking the medication and he'd have to take matters into his own hands. There was no way he could face them after this.

With this thought he drifted back into complete unconsciousness.

General tag list:@mcfreakin-childproof-caps @amethystdarkwolf@patchworkofstars @kitkat-doodles @unikornavenger @dolphin-squirrel@sympathetic-deceit-trash @starryfirefliesbloggo @cakercanart @neonb-fly@kaymischief25 @punsterterry @aprilthevene @theoddkidnextdoor@fuckingemoace @i-sold-my-soul-to-thefandom @im-so-infinitesimal @sea-blue-child @thecatchat @iris-sanders-athena @saphael-malec102 @smedenn@corkeecoderyt @sopi-montezzz @illogicaldeath @deadpanstar@theanxiousfander @lesliealiceinwonderland @wicked-universe @anxious-is-the-name @a-black-pegasus @erlenmeyertrashofsandersides @ace-the-weekly-doodler @luarpice @novusavis @the-life-ofa-troubled-ace @heck-im-lost @nerdy-as-heck @pansexual-cat @ravens-rambling @echomist13@myownhappilyeverafter @im-a-sexy-mouse @xx-fandom-potato-xx@bisexualellaphants @redundant-statements-for-400 @noahlovescoffee @akl1@love-ya-to-the-moon @misty2-0 @cdragontogacotar @shad-ster@chemicallyimbalancedromance @ivescottthis @flag-spinning-demiboy @moonstonefox12 @stupidfangirl107 @moonstonefox12@stupidfangirl107 @teegankitty @stormastrote

#just an anxious mess's fics #virgil sanders #virgil angst #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #thomas sanders #tw suicide #tw mentions of blood #tw mentions of suicide #tw suicide attempt #tw medication

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sidskywrote · 5 years

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Monday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, Fortnight, November, December, Tomorrow, Yesterday, Today and Forever, please?

Thank you for the questions!

Monday: do you struggle with the ‘boring’ parts of writing?

I do okay with outlining and editing. My outlines for Safe are usually just paragraph-like summaries of what I think I want the chapter to be, with any lines that pop into my head as I work on it or other chapters.

And I follow the idea that writing is editing, and editing is writing. So when I get stuck on part of a chapter I’ll go back through and work on strengthening some of the earlier/later parts of that chapter instead. A lot of times it helps to clear the block. But not always, which is part of the reason why Safe’s taken so long to get this far.

Thursday: have you ever written a high fantasy concept?

I have a file on my computer that contains the first twenty or so chapters of a fantasy book I started when I was fourteen. It’s a cheesy fantasy romance novel, but I still think the basic plot is sound. I might go back to it someday and try to write it again, because there’s some imagery in it that I still love, and it actually dealt with some decently complex issues.

Saturday: what gets you excited whilst writing?

When I figure something out.

Like I said, I just do summary paragraphs when I’m outlining, and sometimes I really have no idea how to make the story jump from that point A to that point B. I just know I need to get there for the story to go where I want it to go. Then in some ways it becomes a logic problem, where I’ll be thinking about how to fix the thing for days, and then finally something will happen, and it’ll click into place, and I’ll have to scramble to pen and paper/my computer write down the fix before I forget it.

It’s always an adrenaline rush, and sometimes the fix is so ridiculous yet works so well that it changes almost everything about the tone of the chapter. i.e.: the Ferengi chapter. You have no idea how angsty that chapter was before the Ferengi decided to get involved. When I figured that part out, I laughed for two days.

Sunday: how frequently do you take requests or prompts, if at all?

I don’t really take them at the moment, partially because I’m so entrenched in Safe right now that it makes it hard to concentrate on other works, and partially because I’m afraid I’d dissapoint the requester. I tend to go off on tangents in my storytelling, and things rarely end up looking exactly the way I’d planned it to. So I get worried someone’d ask for something funny, and I’d end up writing a tragedy. That being said, I might work past my nerves and give it a shot in the future, because it always looks like the writers I follow that take requests have a lot of fun doing so.

Fortnight: what wip do you plan on posting next, if at all?

Once Safe is finished, I’m honestly unsure what my next wip will be. I want to work on something that I can get published without navigating copywright laws, so I might have to take a hiatus from fanfic for awhile to focus on that…Or it might be a good time to give taking requests for oneshots a try. But I’m not sure what my next multi-chapter fandom project would be.

November: do you have any rituals or requirements for getting in the mood for writing?

Usually I need peace and quiet. Or a ridiculous amount of noise. I tend to get distracted in the in-between, and focus on some random clock ticking or a heater turning on and off instead of the page in front of me. So I’ll either put on some background music that helps set the tone of a chapter, or, especially when I’m just trying to scratch out an outline, I’ll go to a restaurant/bar/cafe that I know is going to be super noisy and alive. All that noise blends together, and I can focus just as well (if not sometimes better) as I would if I’m alone. Part of that might be because I’m not constantly worrying that I should be doing the dishes in the next room over instead of writing, but it still works.

December: have you ever gifted a fic to someone?

Not a full fic, but there’s certain chapters of Safe that I was able to get the motivation to write out specifically because my mom started reading along, and I wanted to give her something new to read. I started writing Safe a little before my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and my mom spent a lot of time in the hospital with him. When he was out getting tests done, or taking a nap because the things he was going through were incredibly exhausting, my mom would read along on her phone. It distracted her from the stress. It’s part of the reason I made doubly sure to have comic relief chapters. And even now, I made sure to get a certain uplifting chapter out by Christmas because I wanted her to have something happy to read.

Tomorrow: favourite ways to write fluff?

Make it funny. But also make it go with the plot. If I write something fluffy, I want it to still matter to the overall story I’m trying to tell.

Yesterday: favourite way to write angst?

Make the characters emotions as close a mirror to how real people would react as I can. A lot of the suspense in Safe comes down to the characters’ inner monologues, and I try hard to make that show through.

Today: have you made any progress in any wips today?

A few sentences, but the day is still young. I’m going to try to write a lot more after work today. I keep skipping around, because the next chapter I’ve got to post is weirdly intimidating and I haven’t figured out why I feel that way yet.

Forever: Do you balance fic writing with original concept stuff?

I try to, but Safe is so complex it’s taken over a lot of my writing headspace. I’m outlining some original works, and working on a couple scripts, but the only writing where the meat of the story is actually flowing at the moment is Safe.

If I ended up raising more questions then I answered, please feel free to ask followups :)

#long post #Safe #star trek #aos #fanfic #writing #wip #questions #ask away

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jdramione · 3 years

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I'm not sure where to start either. Oh my goodness. Firstly, I cannot emphasize enough how much your comment means to me. I absolutely may print it out and frame it in my small office in my bedroom closet, for me and only me to read and remind myself, when I'm having a day where I feel no one sees me, or understands me - that someone out there looked in between the lines and understood the emotion I was attempting to portray, even if the verbiage was messy and clunky, and the story full of newbie errors and plot holes. Your comment captured so much about what I've tried to say, without always being able to say it as succinctly nor as lyrically as you have been able to capture. I have sat on this review for a week now, delighting in it at first, and then letting it sink it, and then, letting it just be with me. Someone out there got something out of what I was trying to put out there, and that is just... well, everything to me. Inspiration and validation and weirdly, making me feel much less alone, as any author understands, can often be very isolating. Thank goodness for our friends, the characters.

This is my first writing effort, and it has been hard. Both just figuring out writing itself, structuring a sentence together, and then puzzling out a paragraph that contains feels and less words. Things for me, in real life this past year, have been very hard. A large chunk of me broke, and without going into why, because it's never one big thing and harder to explain why little things that add up mean so much to someone else when it's just the cherry on top that knocks you down. But, despite this year and a half of what felt like desperation, grief, and loneliness - I have put so many months of work into this story behind the scenes. I have the involvement of the greatest human being ever known, a beta who just stepped into my life and has held my hand for a year now, as we've gone back and fixed so many missing pieces in order for me to go forward. Nothing has changed in content, but it's better.

I am caught up and I'm working on finalizing the next chapter currently. The story grew. A LOT. So I'm in a weird predicate in that I will be uploading the new/updated chapters very soon - and these chapters that are currently here will be no more. I will probably piece them together in one story, for those who want to keep the old - I know there are stories out there that I find some specific sentence or paragraph, and it just moves me in a way I couldn't imagine, that I go back to, time and time again.

But the new chapters will be the same - just better, more thorough, more thought-out. I've laid a bit more foundation in order to grow upon, and a lot more characterization. The story got darker. It had to. I realized I was holding back because I was protecting others, but the story is what needs to be told, and I won't hide from all of it once re-posted. The trigger warnings will be very important to acknowledge, but I am not a fan of pre-warning specific plot point triggers, because I don't like chapters spoiled for me when authors do it, and I refuse to do it on my own chapters. But there are more flashbacks in more details, and they are very hard to read, and were even harder to write. I find my own heart racing and feel my body in panic writing certain scenes, so I think that's when you know it's right.

There is also a lot of fluff that I've written that felt very new and fresh, and on second read, or third, I realized I got nothing from it, and that's a new experience as an author - trying to decide what needs to be deleted for the benefit of the story. My beta has been the most helpful about telling me - this scene is good but should be later, or you've repeated the same thought process here 15 times - lets take it down to one. She gets me, and supports my enthusiasm for the art that is storytelling, and it's been really lovely to have a hand to hold during this first endeavor, especially considering the content. There's nothing light or easy about this story, and while I totally 100% realize this is just fiction, it's all pretend, it's all made-up... my priority was making the subject topic and recovery as normalized and relatable and real as someone of my newbie standing could possibly endeavor to attempt.

So much fiction has helped me in my own personal trauma recoveries. I want to do this justice for someone else in the same way.

I got stuck in a place yet to come. A tree, planted in my path with no way around. My mind reads certain scenes and detours and before I know it I've gone left when I should have stayed straight. I think the largest problem I've discovered as an author is how much storytelling can be possible, and that I have so many stories I want to tell. Staying within the boundaries of this story has been a struggle. I can take it here, or I could do this with this character, or the plot could do this - and lets make it sci-fi... the decisions are difficult and when I say I have worked hard on this story, that does include spending days writing a tangent that ultimately didn't belong in the story I needed to tell.

I sincerely hope the future chapters do the previous justice, and I really hope you will all stick with me as the story is updated. Because the story had so much added to it, I think there are like... I don't know, 12 or 13 chapters now instead of the original 8 that lead to the same current place. So I've seriously debated about the best way to go about this. If anyone has recommendations, do let me hear them, as I've struggled whether to update to where I am, or wait until the next chapter is ready. But I will want everyone to go back to the beginning once the new are posted and re-read because there is MORE. And I don't want anyone to get unfairly excited about a new chapter as I'm posting the additional, without them being "new." I don't want to be misleading or take anyone off guard.

Anyway - I've gone on too long. But I wanted you to know that you reading this story and writing what you wrote - you just have no idea what it meant to - what it means to me. Thank you. I hope you will read the new bits as I update the current chapters. I realize that this was my first huge newbie mistake - posting before the story was complete - and while I will be continuing it one chapter at a time, this will be the one time the past chapters will be updated.

I hope you are well, thank you for reading, and for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment. Feedback is such an incredible motivator, and I have been particularly blessed in the positive encouragement I have received in this first attempt at storytelling on a very difficult subject.

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lastoftheicelords · 6 years

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This is going to be a bit of a tangent to the usual positivity pledge.

@honeycimb @immagotobed @rhodonxte @theboffin27 @robbogoblin @changeoftheart please don’t feel the need to read all of this, but the penultimate paragraph is yours so read that if ya wanna :)

This day last year was the final day I had depression, the last day of Feb half term in Y12. This means I’ve been depression-free for a whole year.

The first few months were scary. I spent every day trying as hard as I could to run away from depression. Because it left so suddenly, I was convinced that it could come back just as easily. I did mindfulness, positivity blogging, good sleep, healthy eating, exercise, daily planning, all the things they tell you to do when you have depression but don't have the energy to do.

After a while, although I was hesitant to accept it, I realised it wasn’t coming back. The absence of depression is the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt, and I’m grateful for it every day. Knowing what rock-bottom feels like makes simply being alive feel extraordinary. I had bad days, and still do, but they were few and far between.

Over time I relearned how to be myself. While I was depressed, I was just going through the motions, but this year I remembered what exactly makes me, me. I’m information-hungry, ambitious, hardworking, full of excitement, emotional, deeply loving and pretty damn arrogant. I hope very much my arrogance doesn’t show, but it almost certainly does.

This year I also found myself becoming crueler. I think because I was no longer directing my hate at myself, I didn’t know what to do with it. I also found it hard this year to have instinctive kindness - practicing kindness didn’t seem too tricky, but it did take a lot of effort.

In the year coming, my second year post-depression, I’d like to learn selflessness. I’d also like to unlearn cruelty. I’d like to relearn instinctive kindness.

Throughout this year, my friends have been such a constant rock. They have made me feel so loved and cherished and valued and I love them to the moon and back. They have taught me how to laugh again, how to really and truly cry about things that hurt, who I am after I forgot, and how to be kind. I don’t deserve them, and they are a blessing on me every day.

I am so, so fucking excited to live again. And you know what? This year has been worth the 18 months I spent in hell. I’ve survived it once, I can survive it again if I need to.

#positivity pledge #25 feb 2018

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smoliboops · 7 years

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sooooo, i kinda hit 1k about a month ago but kinda forgot about it (and i did make a post about it but then i deleted it cos i kinda went on a rambly tangent lol)

but yea, 1.2k people here?? for some reason??? and i basically block every single spam blog that follows me so it’s actually about 1.2k here for real????

idk, it’s kinda weird to me. because i remember first joining this website almost five years ago. and like, when i was in my old fandom, i remember always wanting to reach 1k just like all the other blogs i looked up too. and now 1 abandoned blog and two years on a new blog later, here we are somehow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ haha.

dont get me wrong, one of the reason i left the other fandom was because everyone used to take their follower count a bit too seriously. but like, to finally reach a little goal i used to have, and in a community that is actually supportive of each other, idk it’s kinda neat to me ^-^.

i rambling again so im gonna wrap this up. but thanks for being here, and enjoying the stuff i post about (even tho 95% of the time, they’re anxiety/stress induced in a fever dream of emotions lol). and like, thank you to anyone who has ever interacted with me too, cos i never actually had the courage to talk to anyone on this site for three years and now i actually write and dm full paragraphs about anti theories for others to read and aaaaaaaaaahhh ;-; <3

i really appreciate you all, so much. and thank you for sticking around ^-^.

#you see i deleted the other post cos of rambling but now i basically wrote the exact same thing here #gg me #but yea i kinda feel bad for putting this off for so long so might as well post this when no one is watching #full on ninja mode lol xD #but yea thanks for sticking around on this dingy mess of a blog #it really means a lot to me ^-^#also i have absolutely no idea if anyone from my old blog is still here #if you are though #thanks for putting up with my posts for five years ^-^#and yes i am ancient on this site compared to everyone else #i went through mishapocalypse and dashcon firsthand #back in my day edits were called graphics and gifs were 1mb #oh gosh i was on this site before jacksepticeye even existed #ok now THAT'S a weird thought oh gosh O-o

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mightywriting · 7 years

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College App Essay Tip #8

HOW TO LOVE WORDS — AND LET THEM GO Guest post by Irena Smith, Ph.D. College Admissions Consultant at IrenaSmithConsulting.com

As a high school senior, I was selected “Most Likely to Talk to Anyone or Anything about Anyone or Anything.” To this day, I remain inordinately proud of that honorific, and rarely miss an opportunity to brag about it in casual conversation—making sure to note at some point that my male counterpart in the senior superlatives category is now the New York Times senior White House correspondent. This is my way of reassuring myself that even blabbermouths who are pictured in their senior-year yearbook covering each other’s mouths with their hands in a universal “Shut up” gesture can turn out OK. (At least Mike did, anyway.)

I love words. I love words more than anything. To this day, I love to tell long, complicated stories with tangents (in fact, my tangents often have tangents, and those tangents will occasionally sprout mini-digressions, like a verbal Hydra). When I was younger, I was besotted with adverbs and adjectives, the more ornate the better, and I took a dim view of anyone who told me to streamline my occasionally Byzantine writing. My dissertation was on Vladimir Nabokov and Henry James, authors known for elaborate turns of phrase (some of Henry James’ sentences go on for pages, and some of his paragraphs go on for miles). Words were my happy place, and I frolicked in them like a small child in a ball pit at a local McDonald’s, while her mother cringes nearby and tries not to think of all the germs.

THE POWER OF BREVITY But then, somewhere along the way, I discovered the power of brevity. Brevity as in “the soul of wit” brevity (a quote which, ironically, comes from one of the most prolix characters in literature—someone who certainly would have given Mike Shear and me a run for our money). Still: the power of the short, punchy sentence, of the point made elegantly and well, of surgically precise narrative concision is undeniable. You’ve experienced this power if you’ve ever been exposed to the meticulously crafted advertising tagline— “Just Do It,” for instance—or if you ever came across a line of poetry so finely honed it made you squint in surprise and pleasure (“Because I could not stop for death / He kindly stopped for me”). One of the most powerful sentences in the English language only has two words: “Jesus wept.” Go slightly higher on the verbosity scale, and it’s amazing how much people can pack into six words in the Six Word Memoir Project (http://www.smithmag.net/).

Have you ever tried to sum up anything in six words? I dare you to try. It’s mind-bendingly difficult and surprisingly fun.

And when I began working with high school seniors completing college applications, I didn’t so much discover brevity as have brevity foisted on me, by way of essay word count restrictions. How do you help someone condense the rich, complicated, textured essence of who they are into 650 words? Or 250 words? Or 100?

MIT: tell us something you do for the pleasure of it, 100 words. Go. OK, now stop.

CUT WHAT PEOPLE SKIP Here’s what I tell my students: first write a lot, and then cut everything that’s not important. Cut ruthlessly. Cut to the bone. (Or, to paraphrase Elmore Leonard, try to leave out the parts that people tend to skip.) You can’t know what’s important until you’ve written a lot (one of the many reasons the first draft is also known as the “vomit first draft”, and you’ll know what’s important when a sentence or a word clutches at your shirt and refuses to be dismissed. Sometimes it must be dismissed.

BE BRUTAL An old school editor once described this process as “murdering your darlings,” and yes, it feels exactly as brutal as that. But sometimes, you have to make sacrifices. Yes, a sentence may be pretty, and yes, you may have honed and polished and revised and sweated over each word, but if it's not moving your story forward, it's gotta go.

TRUST YOUR READER If you have three or four instances that demonstrate your humor, your energy, your tenacity, your curiosity, pick the best one and axe the others. The last example standing won’t capture you in your entirety, but it will give your readers a sense of who you are, just as a synecdoche deploys a single, limited designation to stand for a larger whole (“The White House” for the presidency, “hands” for helpers, “boots on the ground” for army, to name just a few). Take it on faith that the example you chose—you must have chosen it for a reason—will resonate more powerfully than you think. Trust that your reader will read between the lines.

Here’s what else you can cut without a second thought:

Sentences full of abstractions that anyone else could have written. You know the ones. Soccer can teach anyone persistence, discipline, and resilience. Only you know what it feels like to take a ball to the face.

The long lead-up: “First I became interested in bioengineering, then I emailed some professors, some of whom never bothered to email me back. Others responded but said they were too busy. Finally, months later, I entered the lab of Professor X.” Instead, try this: “When I first walked into Professor X’s laboratory…”

The phrases “To begin,” “Subsequently,” and “In conclusion.” You’re telling a story, not debating an opponent in Lincoln-Douglas. Let the story unfold.

Most adverbs. Adverbs are a crutch. Strong verbs can stand on their own two feet, thank you very much, and they contain multitudes. Which is better: ran quickly or sprinted? Laughed uproariously or guffawed? Hit hard (or, even worse, hit really hard) or pounded? Looked carefully or scrutinized?

The words “very,” “really,” or “interesting.”

Passive voice or subservient mention of your own incredible luck at meeting this or that luminary, as in “I was lucky to be able to meet….” How about, “I met”? With all the freed-up space, you can tell us what you actually talked about!

Over-explaining. Consider these two sentences:

“I took a deep breath and kicked the ball. It arced across the field, a streaking comet, hit the crossbar, and bounced harmlessly away.”

“I took a deep breath and kicked the ball. It arced across the field, a streaking comet, hit the crossbar, and bounced harmlessly away. I was devastated.”

Do you really need the third sentence? I would argue—strenuously (yes, I know what I said about adverbs, but this is an exception that proves the rule)—that you do not. Leaving things unsaid opens up an imaginative space where your essay can breathe, where your readers can connect with you, where they can feel their own punch-to-the-gut disappointment without you taking them, step by step, through the five stages of missing-the-goal grief. Give your readers credit; they’ll figure it out. If you’re really tight on space, you can probably cut the “streaking comet,” too.

USE A SCALPEL Taking a scalpel to your own writing can feel as harrowing as taking a scalpel to your own skin. These words came out of you; you pored over them, maybe (even with the aid of a thesaurus); you read them to yourself, hunched over your keyboard—and now some of them will have to go.

If the prospect brings you unbearable pain (and if you’ve invested the kind of emotional and intellectual energy in your essays that you should have, it will), save the longer version in a different draft. Title it “For my memoir.” And then think about what’s truly important—what only you know, what only you can say—and cut everything else. The delete key can be your most powerful tool, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still love words. It just means you need to let some of them go.

Trust me. Your essay will be better for it.

— Irena Smith, Ph. D., College Admissions Consultant

Editor’s note: Having been mentored by Irena for years, I can attest to her surgical deftness. So, take her advice and start slicing! Treat the process like a game or a puzzle as you analyze sentences and make assessments about what’s essential and what can go. A mighty story speaks for itself.

Happy slicing! Laurie

Friendly personalized College Application Essay help available at http://mightywriting.org/college-app-essay-coaching

Contact Laurie Filipelli — [email protected] or 512-415-6882

#college #college essay #college applications #college admission #collegeprep #writing #essay #collegeappessay #college advice

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aboveandbeyondthetrancee · 5 years

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Change

It’s been a long long time since I made my first post on this account. And it’ll probably be a while until you see this one, if ever, since tumblr is basically dead. First off, I am sorry that I haven’t been posting anything like this. At this point I’m pretty sure you already know that I’m better at verbally expressing what I’m thinking and how I feel compared to written word. There’s a part of me that hates that I can’t be as expressive as you. To be able to write out your thoughts in such a well formulated tangent. To you, your writings are probably just scribbles of thoughts here and there with no clear direction. Kind of just writing whatever your thinking in the moment if that makes sense. But when I see those posts every now and then, I definitely wouldn’t be able to write such paragraphs even if I made a rough draft, proofread, and final draft. And I’m envious of you for that, honestly. Theres been a couple times in our relationship where it’s been hard for me to even formulate words on how I’m feeling about you, us, or anything really. And it’s not because of having lack of emotion or feeling when it comes to the thought of us, I just suck at figuring myself out I guess. I’m pretty sure you already know that at this point though. But since the title of this post is “change” I guess it’s fitting to start off with my first change being on trying to improve on expressing myself more. Hopefully, if I’m able, you’ll be seeing more posts on here. Although I can’t exactly say how often.

I should probably move on to why I’m making this in the first place. Probably going to do that by stating the obvious, I’ve been fucking up again. With both of our current work schedules there have been a handful of days where all we really have to spend together were the mornings. And a handful of those mornings it’s been hard for me to fully wake myself up. Mainly because of me smoking the night before. Not really trying to put the blame on the effects it has on me because it’s definitely still my fault for smoking knowing full well I’m going to have a hard time waking up the morning after. What makes this even more of a fuck up is that you’ve been going through a lot lately. A lot of recurring and new hardships in the other aspects of your life and all I’ve been doing is adding myself onto that list of hardships when I’m supposed to be the one person that’s supposed to help ease you through all of them. I’m so very sorry for that. After having the afternoon to think back on the past few days, I’ve noticed that we’ve been different. Obviously because of me, but you’ve seemed to be more nonchalent about us not talking...and I hate that I brought you to a point of caring less about what I’ve been doing. And if I continue down this path you’re eventually just going to be done with it and that’ll be that....

I don’t want that. I don’t want to still be this person. I’m going to push myself to change. To show you that I still very much love and cherish you and I’ll do anything to keep you. You’ve been feeling like you’ve been taken granted for from everybody even before we started dating and now I’ve become a part of that issue. I remembered that relationships take a constant effort from both sides. Once one side starts showing less, the balance offsets and eventually the relationship tumbles. I’m going to keep putting in the same amount of effort as you are giving me. I can’t be this lazy shit anymore. I’ve allowed my laziness to seep in and take hold of us. I’ve realized the changes that I need to make. The effort that I need to put out. The love I have that I need to fully show you, like how I was when we started out.

Of course all of me changing and moving on fresh and new also depends on if you will let me. If I haven’t pushed you to the point of not caring much about what I have to say because you don’t fully believe it. I have a feeling that my realizations this time around is....different....more real....if that even makes any sense. But I pray to God that I haven’t pushed you that far....

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morethanjustmediocremusings · 5 years

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Hidden In an OOO: Re-defining a Modern Woman

Can the modern woman have it all? Put simply, no. But to elaborate on that immediate shut down, I say no because it is unrealistic to expect so much from a singular person. The idea of a “modern woman” defies the caveman expectations of a “super mom” and plays into the 2019 progressive ideals of a woman who can do exactly what she wants. It is through the use of various rhetorical appeals that Leandra Medine’s “MR’s Out-of-Office Reply Is Chock-Full of Feelings” is able to imply a shift towards a liberated modern woman.

Located within the depths of the fashion blog, Man Repeller, a search of “Leandra Medine” will provide you with the following description: “Leandra Medine is the founder of Man Repeller, which she likes to call a nudist colony, and author of Man Repeller: Seeking Love, Finding Overalls. She just started making her own chia pudding,” (About Leandra Medine 2012). But to further grasp the power of her ethos, one must look beyond the brief description provided by the sentence above. She attended The New School for Liberal Arts in New York, and then took a fact-checking job at New York Magazine (BoF Contributors 2018). Man Repeller was birthed in 2010 out of a semester abroad in Paris, previously under the pseudonym “Boogers + Bagles” (Wallace 2014). As reiterated in The Cut’s article, “its [Man Repeller’s] slangy language (‘this amazeballs Vena Cava safety pin blouse’), and its youthful, bloggy self-disclosure…” that make the site the perfect medium to discuss the underlying sources of self-reflection that are hidden in our everyday consumption of various forms of media (Wallace 2014).

Leandra Medine has a lot going for her: a newly updated Manhattan apartment with custom elephant wallpaper (Ross 2018), a blooming podcast, a Man Repeller Buffet brand complete with “unibrow sunglasses” and rooster earrings (Medine 2018b), and not to mention two beautifully expressive twin girls, all of this often documented via Instagram post. Yet, despite her bountiful achievements Leandra cannot be described as arrogant. She is not without her struggles, in her article “I Have a Complicated Relationship With Happiness” she discusses the struggle of losing relatability once achieving a state of happiness (Medine 2018a). She has also been open with discussing her struggles with infertility on Monocycle, her podcast. Her achievements are discrete, and by showing the good alongside the bad, our humble author is able to create an astounding ethos through which her message can be subjectively interpreted.

An understanding of Man Repeller’s tone is needed to fully discuss the flexibility of a modern woman as implied through the article at hand: “MR’s Out-of-Office Reply Is Chock-Full of Feelings.” Leandra’s quirky writing style is exemplified within the first thirty seconds of her Alexa Chung Interview in Man Repeller’s Chatroom, in which she discusses her contemplation of the word literally. One must first literally discuss the literal meaning of the word “literally,” which Leandra concludes literally connote be taken literally (Man Repeller 2016). Beyond the tangent implied above with the colloquialized interpretation of “literally,” the out of office (OOO) notice up for discussion today is anything but traditional. Yes, it has all the makings of a bounce-back, reply email, generated from a robot behind a screen, but the article has something a typical automated response lacks: heart.

Simply, the letter provides her audience with a personal update from the home front. Directly stated: there will be a lack of content over the holidays as people will be spending time with their families, but when viewed under a metaphorical “black light” the true message of a woman’s free will becomes visible. This declaration of work-place alleviation is paired (or maybe juxtaposed) with a call to action “Go out and do something you love, just for the sake of doing something you love! Go on! Right now!” (Medine 2018c) which rings with a hedonism acceptable only during the holidays. Leandra also uses this time to recap and reflect on the recent changes within Man Repeller HQ.

She opens the article by informing us on her whereabouts: Australia, which is strange for the holidays as traditionally people like to be close to home, but she insists she is still getting some much-needed R & R. By mentioning her own whereabouts Leandra challenges typical ideas of the holidays. She is on a tropical vacation in Australia, without her family, without her children, and without regret for doing so. The unapologetic nature of disregarding tradition shows an aloofness that proves a modern woman can do whatever the heck she wants, even if that thing is going to Australia for Christmas.

After a subtle anecdote about tomato paste, she reiterates Amelia Diamond’s leaving of Man Repeller. Now, for the first-time reader it may not mean much, but for us members of this girl cult, Amelia’s decision to leave came as a shock. Amelia Diamond has been with Man Repeller since the beginning. Her second-to-last post, “Why I’m Finally Letting Go of the Pressure to Be Something I’m Not,” hinted at a dissatisfaction, but never did I expect to read her informal, coded resignation notice to readers at home: “Amelia and Leandra on Working With Your Best Friend (and Saying Goodbye)” (Diamond & Medine 2018). Amelia’s departure was filled with emotion and by even briefly mentioning it, Leandra is able to pull pathos from other posts back into the OOO reply. By addressing the importance of memories, she indirectly touches on nostalgia. Similarly, in his piece “Instagram’s Instant Nostalgia,” Ian Crouch does an amazing job exploring new-wave perceptions of nostalgia (Crouch 2017). Humans have a desire to narrate their lives, and in the booming age of social media, self-documentation has never been easier. A curated sense of nostalgia can now be rendered in seconds with the help of apps such as Leap Second, Instagram, and Snapchat, all of which provide year-long recaps of your posted life. This empathetic sense of nostalgia can be seen through Leandra’s mention of reflecting on old photographs as a way to mark the passing of time. It is in contemplation that we find nostalgia and become more susceptible to empathetic approaches to rhetoric. By emphasizing words such as “memories” and “story” through repetition, an ongoing sense of passing time further adds to the nostalgic pathos appeals within the OOO announcement.

Digressing from Amelia’s departure, Leandra succumbs to the expected momentary self-reflection tied to the New Year. She discusses the notion that as one grows up, you begin to find answers to the great unknowns. You find who you are, what you want, and (almost) exactly how to get there. You become an active participant in your life, whether you realize it of not. Noting the insignificance of numbers on a page, Leandra struggles to accept the duality of human perceptions of time. We struggle to quantify it and therefore struggle to understand it. She uses a page break as an extended metaphor, aiding her attempted comprehension of necessary nostalgia. Moments of reflection, like those that surround the holidays, are not unlike pages breaks. They allow for moments of peace and time to gather our thoughts or, in her case, our miniskirts.

… other times I can’t believe that we don’t always see the significance of adding page breaks to the sequence of time. It’s an opportunity, more than anything, to sit with yourself and acknowledge the mental camera roll of a year passed. You can probably do this with your de facto camera roll but real pictures are distracting in that the memories you glue to them might get obscured by a cool skirt you wore, or how shiny your hair looked — any number of visible variables that tap at your shoulder as if to divert your attention from the grand scheme of the roll… (Medine 2018c).

It is logical for a page break to mark the place to take a breath and reflect. By having moments of reflection throughout the year we are better able to understand ourselves. Especially during points of high-stress, such as the holiday season, taking a meditative moment to re-focus on what really matters has the potential to allow for a more objective approach to life and a centered view of one’s personal desires.

To close the memo, Leandra leaves her audience with generalized advice. “It’s not as bad as you think it was. I guess the thing is that it never is.” (Medine 2018c). Maybe it’s my inner cynic but isn’t it a little cliché to end with generalized, feel-good statements? Similar to how zodiac readings are often less prescriptive and more imprecise than we think, the final paragraph, upon the first read, comes across as superficially airy. However, when further pondered, her words hold value. We must reflect on ourselves, the good and the bad; even within this post we must observe the OOO post’s true significance. Although a thesis is not directly stated, the implied notion of a change in what it means to be a woman in modern society, can be gathered in between the comedic interjections and sappy farewells. The modern woman is many things, but most importantly she is as she wishes to be.

Man Repeller’s brilliant combination of elevated diction and comedic jargon allows for a balance between work and play. This verbal co-op can be further modeled to a modern woman’s balancing act. No longer forced into scratchy pantsuits, and sexist The Office-esque meetings, Leandra exemplifies a sense of balance. She is able to work remotely, spend time with her husband, and still have a life and family back in New York. This duality of highly educated language paired alongside her casual voice shows that the modern woman is multi-faceted. Her articles read as an email from an old friend, and this OOO article is no exception. Whereas traditional scholarly writing is very standoffish, Man Repeller runs a fine-tuned balance, ideal for today’s world. Some critics of Man Repeller may say it is too informal, pulling from fragments such as “begging you to stop, look and unclench your butt cheeks,” (Medine 2018c). However, by choosing to focus on the more childish moments of the piece, one forgets the underlying sophistication of challenging the modern perception of women. No longer seen as chess pieces for society, but rather as their own entities.

Leandra Medine’s “MR’s Out-of-Office Reply Is Chock-Full of Feelings” serves as the perfect monocle through which we can examine the changing ideals of women’s societal expectations. No longer must we follow pre-historic, gendered rules by which women ought to live their lives; instead a movement towards creating our own lives has begun to take root, if only in the niche community of forward-thinking fashion enthusiasts. This hidden essence of the ideal modern-woman might be so elusive because it is different for everyone. Not all women want to live in Manhattan, just as not all women want to spend Christmas in Australia. The modern woman is recognizable by her options and the freedom to choose her own path. And in our own moment of reflection, is that really such a radical idea?

Works Cited

“About Leandra Medine, Author at Man Repeller.” Man Repeller, 2012, www.manrepeller.com/author/manrepeller.

BoF Contributors. “Leandra Medineis One of the 500 People Shaping the Global Fashion Industry in 2018.” The Business of Fashion, The Business of Fashion, 26 Aug. 2018, www.businessoffashion.com/community/people/leandra-medine.

Crouch, Ian. “Instagram's Instant Nostalgia.” The New Yorker, The New Yorker, 19 June 2017, www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/instagrams-instant-nostalgia.

Diamond, Amelia, and Leandra Medine. “Amelia and Leandra on Working With Your Best Friend (and Saying Goodbye).” Man Repeller, 21 Dec. 2018, www.manrepeller.com/2018/12/amelia-and-leandra-say-goodbye.html.

Man Repeller, director. Alexa Chung & Leandra Medine: The Chatroom. YouTube, 12 May 2016, www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIDy9VBu1uY&t=197s.

Medine, Leandra. “The Brand New Man Repeller Holiday Buffet Is Here!” Man Repeller, 21 Nov. 2018b, www.manrepeller.com/2018/11/man-repeller-holiday-buffet-launch-2018.html.

Medine, Leandra. “I Have a Complicated Relationship With Happiness.” Man Repeller, 8 June 2018a, www.manrepeller.com/2018/06/relationship-with-feeling-happy.html.

Medine, Leandra. “MR’s Out-of-Office Reply Is Chock-Full of Feelings.” Man Repeller, 24 Dec. 2018c, www.manrepeller.com/2018/12/man-repeller-out-of-office-holidays-2018.html.

Ross, Harling. “Take a Look Inside Leandra Medine's Updated Manhattan Apartment.” Man Repeller, 11 Sept. 2018, www.manrepeller.com/2018/09/leandra-medine-apartment-tour.html.

Wallace, Benjamin. “What's So Alluring About a Woman Known As Man Repeller?” The Cut, The Cut, 8 Feb. 2014, www.thecut.com/2014/02/man-repeller-leandra-medine-profile.html.

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