#ppl: I got depression when I went there cause I had no friends.

[fucktheroyals]

Being on Korean/Japanese art/junk journaling instagram is pure torture because the stickers that have access to are pure gold while the US just has DOG SHIT. When I see the gintama stickers they can get, I fall on the ground and smack my fist into it ITS SO UNFAIR. THEY CAN HAVE ENTIRE GINTAMA LAYOUTS. THEY CAN GET COLLECTABLE CARDS AND KEYCHAINS AND CHARMS. I’m so upset. First I find out flip phones are still popular there and now this?! As a person who takes joy in the little things because I don’t have friends to hang out with I NEED BOTH THOSE THINGS SO BAD. And don’t get me started on collectibles in everyday places. DO NOT.

#don’t lecture me. I know the problems that would come with living there. BUT I WANT TO SO BAD. #ppl: I got depression when I went there cause I had no friends. #me: I have no friends now. wtf would be the difference? at least I’d be hated for being an American instead of being hated for being weird

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks

[strawberryvanillafrosting]

success life story ♡

heyy i'm here to share about my success story, the beginning is only before i started manifesting and about when i just started, all my success are on the very end of the blog, so feel free to skip directly at it if you're not interest by all the rambling !

have a good read ☆

michiko is so pretty, i've literally been told so many times i looked liker <3

the old story that i don’t live in anymore

okay so before i didn’t hate my life, at all, but i just found very dull and so poor of entertaining like it was just too fucking regular and repetitive.also a bit depressing. i thought of myself of such an unlucky girl before and i was like affirming all the fucking time that i was unlucky and guess what? everything really used to go the way i didn’t want it to go every single damn time and i’d be like i knew it im so unlucky boo-hoo.

same for the money i would just go every single fucking day rambling to my friends how poor i was and how i wanted money so bad and the same story every single fucking for days, weeks, months.

i really wanted a new appartement and my own room cause i used to share same room as my sister and it really was getting on my nerves, i had no privacy and place for myself. the apartment was small, my mum always kept complaining about it and then she would argue about my dad about it but the reason why we couldn’t move out despite trying for several months was cause my dad had whole lotta debts and my mom had a really low paying and hard job she was exhausted and, it was quiet hard to see them being this unhappy and they still tried their hardest to make us happy so i really wanted to get back at them.

about social life i had very few friends and barely went out, i'd say probably one time a month. and i really wanted to get that life of the party, and those big ass friends group and also i was crazy desperate about having black friends cause i am black and literally the only black out here without none of black friends and i felt pretty left out like wtf am i the only black girl with no black friends cause all of them (that's so dumb tho.. ) were friends and gets invited to the most fun hangouts and i was embarrassingly jealous of that and also complained a lot about it…and kept asking tf was wrong with me.

STRONGLY on this one : i wanted a relationship so bad and i kept hating and being sad to those couple on tiktok’s. one time i actually cried cuz i wanted a boys’s love so bad like i was craving it so bad. i was in such despair state before..cringy ahh ☠️

i used to be rlly insecure about my looks too even tho at some moments i felt more confident, i kept comparing myself and waisting dozens of minutes enumerating my "flaws ". i knew about manifestation but not really about law of assumption , for me manifesting was really all about listening to subliminals, method and scripting. we all once knew that phase yeah? i used to manifest from time to time but then would just give up again,since i was not seeing results and so on. so useful wow.and then there’s the others things like mediocre grades, poor family health, just constant tiredness and fatigue feeling,

tw : mention of being depressed,sh,ed, : felt empty like life had absolutely no meaning, suicidal thoughts, tried to end by over-consumption of medication, self-harm and bulimia, constant complaining and NEGATIVE ONLY mindset.

but now, NOW i tell you ever single thing i’ve just listed changed completely like every single damn thing i’ve just listed is no more, it’s out of the date, dead, buried and no longer existing !

it clicked

then at some point at my life i was just like. yk what? fuck i just wanna change it all. then i really like really  got into it all over again and for good. no more 1 week i try then giving up cause i ain’t seeing no « results ».

i watched hours and hours of ppl talking about loa (i’m not saying you should do this at all it’s just that i was very under-informed and wanted to know everything about loa)on youtube, shoutout to rita kaminski and hyler who really put me into it and informed me. then i started reading neville’s pdf books, and tumblr blogs, kinda overconsuming but i liked getting myself informed.

and then that’s where everything started and that i got aware of all the power i actually hold. all the things i actually can do just cause of my mind. i wrote down all my wishes in present tense ,like every single aspect i wanted to change/have in my life. and i started fully living in the end like really got myself into and at first of course, wavering from time to time in the beginning. it was pretty easy for me since i was used to manifestation.but what i didn’t do before is persist no matter what and that’s what was really tricky for me in the beginning to persist no matter what and not just give up to bullshit 3D. but when i kept moving forward no matter the 3D and made it facts the only my 4D matters and everything has already happened, ALL and every single wish down to the last one flowed into my life. ONE by ONE every single hour of the day i would get my manifestations down to the last letter i wrote in my notes.every single thing

success storyy

in a matter of few weeks like really 3 week-ish like- 1 month max.

starting off LUCK i’m extremely lucky now every single time i play gambling activities i win. i’ve won insane amounts at scratch cards i think i’ve won in total more than 5’000$. JUST FROM SCRATCH CARDS.and before i started i NEVER EVER WON. now whenever i play there’s not one time that i’ll win absolutely nothing even just a small prize

won huge lottery prize (from 200 to 12k the biggest i’ve won yet)

winning a gambling games, either online or dice rolling luck,bets, bingos etc.. its literally insane every one keep telling that i literally has got god’s blessing (i’m the god guys🥰)

financially freedom, my parents upgraded jobs and i’ve got lots of incomes + the money my parents give me 

all the debts my dad had, he got rid of ALL of them and when i tell you mf had a lot of em☠️

move out in a new huge ass condo which is a duplex (like really like i wrote it it’s actually scary how powerful we are..) I’VE FINALLY GOT MY OWN ROOM and we’re getting my desired furnitures and decorating the house i’m so grateful

friends and popularity i think biggest shock for me is really this. like my social life has gone from very paisible to completely fully booked and passioning life. like seriously i’ve been to more parties, concerts, birthdays, and hangouts during the last 2 weeks holidays than in my entire life

got lot of new friends, healthy relationships and quality time passed on lots of fun activities and sm memories

black groups friend. WITH AN S.so thankful to myself to be this good a manifestation i litteraly got into a black friend group of girls and i’ve never felt more at my place and understood this much. and these girls know the black group boys (when i tell you that 2y ago they were the person that i wanted to be close with so bad..also they’re really hot and funny lol)so we hung out with them and i was literally so highlighted and became pretty much friends with all of them !! 

my man. HELLO I LITERALLY MANIFESTED MY DREAM RELATIONSHIP? when i met him i didn’t actually realize right on the spot that he was exactly how i wanted him to be and reading back to when i scripted out all the things i wanted at the beginning, everything matched. he’s literally physically and mentally the man of my dream LIKE REALLY. we’re no bf and gf YET cause it’s just a little soon but we see each others super often and we have the best relationship ever i swear it’s giving wattpad. the flirting is crazyyy.

dream bod.from head to toe my desired body. heavy on the lower body all for that azz and wide hips.ive got smooth and clear skin and smell good all the time!! litteraly flawless face + got my braces which suits so much and dimples

plenty of vacations (went to ibiza, usa and dubai )

lenient parents they use to be so strict before i swear its crazy they let me go so easily now, i can hangout without asking 3 days ,like they accept even if i've gotta go in the next hour or if wanna go on trip that's in another country. i can come back home so much later too

attractive & magnetic aura + being really charismatic (everyone i met keep telling me i’ve got this thing that really makes them want me, get closer to me)

good grades without doing much

perfect self-concept - as i kept living 24/7 in the state of wish fulfilled, my self concept only got better making me really know what i’m worth and never wavering/ going back to the old story

whole ass pc set up

all of my desired skincare/makeups/shoes/clothes

and so much more...

outro

i hope y'all liked my blog and that it motivated some of you to NEVER GIVE UP cause y'all are reallyy some powerful mfs and y'all already got all of yours desires !!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ honey kisses, shayama

#manifesting #law of assumption #sucess story #loa success #loa blog #loassumption #neville goddard #self concept #nondualism #void state #state of the wish fullfilled

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?

Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia

I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.

Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.

I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.

Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol

Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.

We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.

On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.

I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.

So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[johannestevans]

i wanted to write a BIG essay on disability in House MD but the thing is that as it goes on the show plays and delves with the themes a bit differently - like in s1 they begin to introduce some addict stuff but not too much, and much less of the big grapples with house's own medical agency etc by his friends and coworkers

so i think i'm gonna do an essay series, set up some main themes around disability and autonomy in house

the first things will obviously be about the nature of house's own disability, firstly talking about his physical disability - yes, the lack of mobility from his leg and his reliance on his cane, and also the chronic pain that that comes with, but also specifically noting that house became disabled later in life and was previously extremely physically active

while the themes of house being an addict are extremely overstated because of the us' manufactured opioid crisis and its dehumanisation of addicts due to its racist and eugenicist "war on drugs", it's also noteworthy that he used to exercise all day every day on top of fucking and playing with substances on the side. no one minded this because his "addiction" to exercise was fun and sexy and healthy, bc he was making his own pain-killing substances rather than taking a pill

and then also talking about house's mental health issues - evidence of his autism and the way that people hate specifically his autistic traits, even when they're not actually causing them problems, and the way in which house masks and performs certain emotional responses, but more so like. his depression and his loss of identity as a disabled man, and his difficulties being OKAY with his disability when everyone around him hates disability

so apart from that evidence, the points of house grappling with this stuff will be:

house bonding with other disabled patients - in cases of chronic pain, lost physical mobility, and also mental illness and/or neurodivergence

and house specifically understanding disabled people's perspectives, or thinking about the PRACTICAL needs of the person they're treating or engaging with rather than what society cares about or what the hospital thinks is "appropriate" or "proper"

house bullying abled people for being Weird

times where house makes commentary about the injustice of the system (when he points out that the hospital is designed not to treat the poor, chronically sick, etc)

house being anxious and defensive of his own bodily autonomy (eg when ppl are trying to control his pain management or force him into systems that don't work, take over his medical autonomy, in general try to physically control his behaviours)

esp bc season 1 culminates in the stacy episode where we find that like... so much of house's trauma is not just being disabled

but the fact that stacy OVERRODE his desires, waiting for him to be put into a medically induced coma so that she could make "the best" decision for him and literally being the cause of his current disability. esp bc like...

she specifically went for the middle ground that he rejected, she was NOT a doctor

and in so doing she. invented his chronic pain. like there's a reason that in that same episode, we see the volleyball player who gets an amputation and is able to go back to sports - yes, house is a lot older than that volleyball player, but like

if he had either treated the infarction successfully or just got an amputation so that he could later work with a prostheses, house thinks he would have done much better

and so much of his TERROR around trusting others - not just stacy but wilson, cuddy, anybody else - is because of that. the one person he loved and trusted overrode his desires and created the hell he lives in where he's just in constant agony and he hates it, and the worst part is like

everyone tells him it's his fault. no one cares about what stacy did to him, that she manipulated him. every day they tell house how terrible it is that he does that to others, but when it's what happened to him and he lives in hell, it's on him because he's Mean and Too Autistic and he should just Stop Being In Pain etc

god it kills me.

BUT YEAH i think. season by season is gonna be a lot better to track the development of these themes and the way they shift and change from season to season - also idefk if i'll be able to stick with like. the last three seasons bc they just suck so ba dhfskjjgh

BUT WE'LL SEE

#house md #gregory house

[vattenkokare]

sufin hcs except its written at almost midnight so i wanna sleep and its my train of thoughts that derailed

so i just wanna say it might not be 100% accruate bcs i havent done any medical/history research its just for funsies

1. fins journey on accepting his body

topic of fins body i think as a child he was rlly wild and as a teen he wanted ppl to fear him (when he had to attack) or take him seriously but due to his baby face it sometimes didnt work

due to constant stress (wars, complicated relationship with sweden) he found food very comforting so mixed with his type of body he was just more on a chubby side

he would also get stomach aches from stress and finally develop ibs so ofc he hated all that

it was rather long journey for him cause even tho he would fear swe sometimes he'd show his human side (probably due to being cold theyd often sleep together to keep warm) and swe would more or less intentionally cuddle him which would make him less dysphoric about his body (also calling him cute or other weird compliments that swe would think were adorable)

the real change for him would be actually becoming his own country and seeing he can do much more, be actually taken seriously and be very strong, mixed with some of his own thoughts would make him love himself more and finally fully accepting his body

2. sweden being silly

swe is complicated since in my hc he's autistic but also schizophrenic (or other disorder having some similar issues idk)

as a child he was just awkward and later in life started developing symptoms of schizophrenia, which for people in like middle ages wasnt a thing so they probably thought he was possesed sometimes-

disorders and confusion about his gay identity probably lead him to religious trauma and also were one of the reasons he hadnt confessed for the longest time

ofc fin was scared of him but also had some respect as swe was usually nice to him and was his "leading" nation as fin wasnt a country

so during swedens episodes at first he would be scared for his life, then later getting used to them started understanding and taking care of him as well as he could

swe ofc expressed gratitude in his way like cooking something nice, bringing gifts, taking care of fin when he had rlly bad stomach pains while swe was really cold or rather awkward he still tried to somehow make it up for fin

later with people actually learning about disorders he could be better understood and got the help he could, from fin also when he finally knew what was the reason behind swedens behaviour so then they both created a comfortable space and swe become more open about his emotions tho he isnt perfect still

3. the relationship with them was complicated but the simpliest way to put it will be:

as children they were on their own, later swe "adopted" fin as his friend tho fin was still a feral baby

as teens swe gained more respect so as young adults fin had to stay with him, even if he was scared of swe he had this soft spot as he was nice as he could, just weird

i also hc swe to teach fin how to use swords which swe loved and was really good in fighting that way and later how to shoot, in which fin became significantly better,

when they broke fin went his way and later formed a country so they werent around that much, fin focused on self improvement and his things while swe was more depressed that it was his falut that they "broke up" and was kinds jealous of fin, but in a way that he forgot him

they got together more after and during wars, tho swe helped he was more distant emotionaly not to get hurt and fin kinda holds grudges for earlier ages when swe treated him as his own property (which he did being more or less aware)

finally they get on more friendly manner and learn about new themselves

#headcanons #moje #hetalia #aph #hws #aph sweden #hws sweden #aph finland #hws finland #sufin #finsu #hc

[pokedext]

Toxic positivity is real. I feel like I’m seeing more as a lot of ppl forget friendships are a two way street. Like sometimes your self care is leaning too heavy into selfish and address that. Feels like so many young ppl want life to just be good vibes and no rain. A good friendship has support and jokes. It doesn’t mean drain yourself. But legit had a person go off about needing a warning for injections. I’m thinking okay you asked and I answered… I’ll humor this situation it’s not that bad. Deleted the comment and amended to not mention it ever again without a warning. Regretted it because they proceeded to go off how my whole hospital stuff is uncomfortable. I set off on them at that point. Im sorry you asked about it you can’t be mad. Sorry the answer was a surprise life is not just a trigger warning in advance. That’s just not possible for everything. I have no idea what will set someone off. I promise it was more trauma to go to the hospital then you having to hear about it. All I said is I went to the hospital for my spinal pain cause I had cardiac issues/paralysis. It is scary but it’s just a sentence. This person has never had to deal with anything like that and it’s offensive they feel their comfort should be a consideration for something they asked about. Like just be a supportive person. Just feel compassion or something that I lived that instead of talk about the thought of it bothering your mental health. I didn’t ask you for therapy on it I have a therapist/pysch for it. Where do you think my mental health was? Fuck these type of ppl. Your self care/toxic positivity are blinders for easy living. But the friends I appreciate most we give equal support/listen when we can, and don’t start this kind crap with each other. If they are that emotionally bothered they could have made it come across a lot less callous then they did. I didn’t bring it up. Why am I punished for answering and the answer being uncomfortable. Like mentally address life might have some uncomfortable conversations. I didn’t need help, I just answered a question grow a spine and a heart. Im just depressed enough as it is I try to just vent to the void/therapist/pysch/chronic pain groups because this type of thinking is common unfortunately. I also do understand it’s a lot to process. But I didn’t get too much into the grit of it. Ppl just don’t want to think about problems outside their own these days. It’s fucking toxic. I think I need to rearrange my friendships. I have friends I love hanging out with. Got a friend we pick a place to eat and do vent sessions. We get along great. Have fun too. Idk where to find ppl. The ppl I have that are great like that for support are like 30+ years. Is it just young ppl that don’t have the emotional capacity to be adults with other adults? Do I need to limit the amount of young ppl I hang around with the uptrend of this self focus culture. Am I wrong? Am I overacting? Do I have shitty friends?

#long post #vent

[revolutionarysuicide]

man it is seriously depressing remembering how excited i was when i first got my bottom surgery referral multiple years ago now like things were finally looking up i was so excited to finally get surgery after waiting my entire life i was constantly browsing bottom surgery forums to read other ppls account of their recovery etc. i really couldnt wait to feel comfortable in my own skin and be able to have sex the way i wanted and be able to shower with the lights on and all that. and then that was all taken away from me. and all that imagining post-op life that made me so excited is so painful now bc i know it is so far off and possibly i'll never be able to have it bc the nhs can just arbitrarily take it away from me again on the whim of one doctor.

cant stop thinking about emigrating cause i know i would literally get bottom surgery faster if i moved to another country and went through their processes despite the fact that my initial gic referral was in 2017 lol. even if i got my bottom surgery referral today (realistically i won't be re-referred for like another decade p much, and no they won't let me keep my old place in the bottom surgery waiting list, i checked many times with gdnrss lol) it still might be faster to emigrate. i know that a friend of mine who was recommended for bottom surgery in 2019 recently had surgery (she's a trans woman, im aware the waiting times are an order of magnitude longer for masculinising bottom surgery bc of the nhs fucking up the st peters contract too) and like i definitely know foreign surgeons with wayy faster turnaround than that, although im not sure how quickly i could become a citizen to become eligible for those countries' healthcare systems. maybe i could take advantage of my british passport privileges idk how much easier that would make it. but anyway i've been on and off thinking about moving to cuba since i was 16 anyway for anti-imperialist reasons, and ofc they have free bottom surgery there. ive have stayed put bc i think there needs to be communists in the imperial core too to sabotage imperialist efforts to crush revolutions abroad if nothing else bc the british people are so impotent lol, but like damn if britain doesnt keep giving me reason after reason to leave this shitty place

#if ur going to give me advice within the bounds of the british system or british charities/ngos: don't; i have literally already done that #whatever you're about to say i have literally done that in 2022 #yes all the organisations. yes all the charities. yes all the nhs emails. yes that phone number too. #yes that law firm. yes that advocacy service. yes that trans healthcare fund. #yes the emails and numbers of every single gic and surgeon. like don't waste your time i know how the system works and i know what orgs #exist here trust me i've already done that lol. #if u want to advise me on how another countrys immigration system works go ahead ig you might convince me to emigrate for real lol

[fishedeyelenz]

6 and 11 for the childhood asks with camille pls i literally love her sm

gonna reply to both of these at once, since they are so similar!!

6. Did your muse have a best friend? Friends? Who did they hang out with as a kid? Are they still friends?

Camille was a quiet kid, more introverted than shy, but that doesn't mean she didn't have friends here and there. She had the neighborhood kids she hung out with in early childhood, being well accepted in that group, aka. she could feed them mud soup no problem. However, when she was around seven her mother started displaying signs of schizophrenia until she had a big breakdown sometime when Camille was around eight, that got her admitted to an asylum. Then Camille went through something she would later describe as a depression, and she started isolating herself. She was still nice and kind to ppl, so it saved her much bullying, though people were wary with her since they knew of her mother's condition, so it's not like people were really looking ut for her. She did get bullied a bit, but it's not like she was really going out of the house, even to school, for it to really be a prevalent thing in her life. Still hurt her though.

After her mom died, her and her father moved away from whatever town they lived into a new one for a fresh start. Starting middle school, she made an attempt to make friends again, and found solidarity in the art kids. So in middle school and high school she continued to make friends with artistically inclined ppl. Some of the ppl she met and kept in touch with are Tiffany, her first ever gf with whom she found out they worked better as friends than lovers, Roger, a photographer she later went to the same college with (though not the same class), amd later in life the girls from the sorority. She's especially close to Barb and Phyllis, though she didn't really get along with Clare, and lost touch with her soon after finishing college.

11. What expectations were placed on your muse as a child? Who had those expectations for your muse? How did your muse feel about them?

Camilles father loved her dearly, and she always had a great relationship wit him, but the one thing he fucked her up with is that he didn't really let her cry or be angry. She pretended when she had her bouts of depression in childhood due to grief that she was sick, catching the cold or flu or whatever. He always wanted to see her happy, or okay, cause he didn't know how to deal with her negative emotions and comfort her, always wanting to see her smile instead.

So she grew up feeling like she can't show those emotions and bottles then up inside her. Has a hard time letting herself cry freely, always feeling like she needs to be put together, and logical, and be the shoulder to cry on instead. She sometimes breaks down, but it's almost always in private. The only people she feels comfortable crying with are done of her close friends and Billy. Feels immeasurably guilty crying in front of Bean, but tries ro tell herself it's normal to do that sometimes.

Her bottling up her negative emotions makes her be passive aggressive at times.

#oc: camille #Thank you for the ask!! Sorry it took a while for me to reply 😔 #Asks

[anonymouslyspectacting]

This is going to be done by audio speaker to text. Today, today has been a mixture of a bunch of things, rough, good, happy, depressed, anxious, nervous. All of the above to stuff that I like and dislike or whatever I guess. I guess I may say how today was, so today was good, my gf left to go to home to get ready for work @6:30 then I went back to bed after telling her I loved her, I woke up officially around 9:30-10:26ish I think, then I got a burrito and ate that for breakfast (it was really really bad, my dad tries his best to cook but sometimes his meals aren’t very goob). Then I waited for my friend and I played overwatch for the first time ever w/her and I had a lot of fun! Then I started to try to get into the groove w/playing Minecraft which didn’t really work too well sadly which made me nervous/kinda down and I was kind of going through a downward spiral which sucked, but then I started watching yt videos and that kinda blew the time away. After that I went bowling kinda w/my brothers and dad and I felt very overwhelmed because there were a lot of ppl there and it was very noisy and it was a super duper noise overload which just made me uncomfortable and paranoid that people may have been judging me or whatever. I just mainly listened to music when I was there on Spotify, but that didn’t really help too much, so I was kinda just stuck there not able to do anything :/, then after that we went home, I downloaded some more games on my 2ds and finally organized everything into folders, and ate 2 peanut butter sandwiches. I do need to drink water so I’ll probably get some after this post. I called my gf to say goodnight which was nice, but I wanted to talk to her abt this but I don’t wanna wake her up and bother her with how I’m feeling right now. There’s a lot of other things going on also, like how my mom’s ex boyfriend is and has been very very scary and how he has made her feel very unsafe and uncomfortable when she found out he was an alcoholic which isn’t good. And I feel like I’m not ever going to be a good enough son for my dad, because we just never get along at all and it really really sucks, and my brothers hardly ever talk to me, like ik my 15y/o brother isn’t because he’s going through 9th grade and he’s always talking to his friends or is in his room on his computer or is watching a tv show for the hundredth time and never wants to hangout w/me and I understand that, but me now being in college just makes me feel like I don’t belong in this family I’m in. Ik that seems scummy or whatever, but that is just how I feel rn. And my youngest brother bless his heart, has adhd and autism like I do, but he hasn’t ever been given consequences or anything if he did something wrong, plus he’s an iPad child and gets whatever he wants pretty much. And it’s like, it’s sucks cause he never even wants to talk to me :/. My other younger brother who is almost 10, is scared of his dad and his dad is trying to get complete custody of him so my mom can’t see him anymore. He didn’t even get a Christmas tree for them to decorate. I’m hoping to get him something really nice and special this year. Okay okay, I’m sorry this has been long, it’s just how I feel rn and how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and a happy Xmas :p Gn ppl

#venting #family #anxeity #tw depressing stuff #autistic adult #adhd #college #student #home issues #griefsucks #biseuxal #lgbtqia

[burning-sol]

i am thinking to myself "hmmm i wanna do a ranking of my fav jrwi pcs" BUT IM SO TORN?? like. what do i rank them based on??? i like them all for different reasons?????

fuck. like how do i compare my yucky gucky man rand to rumiracle me sparkling magical girl. they are disasters in difficult to immediately compare ways. some pcs i like because theyre goofy and others i like because theyve got so much going on!!! i fucking love thanatos cause he's thanatos and jay because she's a girlboss like what the fuck.

you know what FUCK IT!! CATEGORIES!!! (even some of THESE were hard to rank so yeah subject to change... some of these are nonsensical dont look too deep into it)

STRONGEST ATTACHMENTS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER:

1. gillion (the original blorbo) 2. exandroth (INTENSE but took a while to set in and i hate him) 3. rand (late comer but now am an avid lover of)

HAS MY SYMPTOMS:

1. rand (gross and psychotic) 2. gillion (dissociation for realsies) 3. rumi (complete identity confusion) 4. exandroth (loud, impulsive, self centered, god complex) 5. kian (depressed in a life threatening way) 6. rolan (depressed in a slowburn way)

SAME TRAUMA:

1. gillion (wanted validation and affection to the point of killing people, hiding pain including physical ailments) 2. rand (unemployed, dyfunctional and needing to rely on others, having scary symptoms, dealing with substance abuse) 3. jay (primal fear of parental figure and trying to run away but also feeling trapped)

SAME JOYS:

1. peter sqloint (OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT ROCK!!! oh the BLISS of pointing at that thing and explaining the thing!!) 2. exandroth (*LAUGHS MANIACALLY*) 3. thanatos (very content with big weapon) 4. gillion (i love my friends!!! i would take a bullet for you!!!)

HEADCANON EMPOWERED:

1. exandroth (whole character is hc at this point so ranked 1st) 2. rand (schizo girl!!!) 3. kian (god what a mess) 4. angelstone (but only post-campaign p much) 5. rolan (adhd AND insert spoilers) 6. gillion (HE'S A FISH!!!!) 7. peter sqloint (making him slightly more interesting than you'd think)

JUST A GUY:

1. rolan (just a guy) 2. peter sqloint (just a guy but slightly too funny to be ranked 1st)

SAYS THEIR OWN NAME AND IT'S FUNNY:

1. thanatos 2. goobleck!! 3. GILLION!!! 4. peter SQloint 5. exandrothh

IMPERSONATED ON ACCIDENT:

1. goobleck (i had this voice during a school excursion, it was attrocious and it hurt my throat and im ranking it 1st because of the horrors) 2. gillion (not a vocal impersonation but when gillion went brooding in the fey wild i became 'evil' and just like gillion it only last a short while before i went into an emotional breakdown so yeah) 3. peter sqloint (was a very funny voice but didn't scar my psyche like the other two so ranked 3rd little guy) 4. exandroth...?

MOST EXANDROTH:

1. all the exandroth introjects (haiii i love youuu) 2. exandroth (relatively exandroth im neutral on this guy) 3. xander (called og exandroth a loser, doesnt identify with the guy so he's obv less exandroth) 4. the different interpretations of exandroth in my head that all fought each other that one time (i don't know who won)

WET AND PATHETIC:

1. chip (just look at him) 2. peter sqloint (just look at him) 3. rand (just look at him) 4. rolan (just look at him) 5. exandroth (because she is SO fucking insecure!! girl get it together!!! sopping wet beast what a mess!!!!) 6. jay (just a tad pathetic when she's not girlbossing)

ACEAROSPEC RANKS THE ATTRACTIVE PPL:

1. gillion (fuck im i love... guy actually :flushed:) 2. rand (i want to smoke with this guy and make out even if he's gross) 3. jay (if she twirled my hair in her hand i would instantly EXPLODE) 4. kian (has that sort of vibe that i associate with someone in my life who i like so yeah) 5. rumi (drop dead gorgeous but ranked last because i would be so intimidated like rumi is too perfect for me you know what i mean) 6. exandroth (analyse whatever freudian bs is happening here, idk i like an offputting guy thats also an eldritch horror and nonbinary im into that)

MOST LIKELY TO HOLD HANDS WITH:

1. jay (obvious choice, warm hand, easy to lean up against) 2. rumi (i am nervous and you are pretty help) 3. rolan (mutually scared people holding hands) 4. exandroth (i trust this guy) 5. peter (clammy hands we have clammy hands i dont even know where we're walking)

I'M SORRY I DON'T TALK ABOUT YOU MORE:

1. chip (we do not have the same trauma) 2. thanatos (why did bizly make your character like that im so mad i love you but you have been slaughtered by your creator) 3. goobleck (IM SO SORRY I LOVE YOU GOOBLECK!! EVEN IF OTHERS DONT APPRECIATE YOU!!!) 4. peter (I LOVE YOU TOO!! MY BOY!!!)

NON-HUMAN I WOULD TRUST MY LIFE WITH:

1. thanatos (structurally sound and killed gods so we're set) 2. exandroth (biased but i would feel safe with an angel eldritch horror even if she has her flaws) 3. gillion (an obvious choice!!! please protect me) 4. spoilers (oh yeah that thing is a bug you got this) 5. rumi (i socially feel safe with you but physically i would be getting nervous) 6. goobleck (i would rank you higher but i have vivid imagery in my head of you going SPLAT and i cannot shake this)

BROWN HAIRED GUYS:

1. chip (he's vintage, you know? anyways probably cares way too much abt his hair to let it be destroyed) 2. rand (he definitely has greasy hair like he needs a shower but he smells like smoke so i have a bias) 3. peter (dandruff) 4. i can imagine all these guys potentially having lice and that makes me very uncomfortable so fuck this why did i come up with this category

GIRLBOSS:

1. jay (EMBODIMENT of girlboss!!) 2. exandroth (she's a big cringefail but super girlboss) 3. kian (that one image of the anime girl in a room thats a mess with the text "MY GIRLBOSS EMPIRE IS CRUMBLING")

GRIZZLY:

1. rumi (sorry but you can't beat a classic) 2. kian stone (KIAN STONE!! *GUITAR RIFF*)

CHARLIE:

1. exandroth (legally obligated) 2. gillion (equal homicidal intent AND fish) 3. peter sqloint (he's so... sqloint) 4. goobleck (goobleck)

CONDI:

1. rolan (sad!!) 2. jay (i LOVE you girl!!)

BIZLY:

1. chip (not my cup of tea but he's pretty funny) 2. thanatos (i love him) 3. timothy rand (you know he's a guy that does weed)

FUNNIEST PONIFICATION:

1. rand (WEED PONY) 2. thanatos (because he's thanatos)

ANIME GIRLS:

1. exandroth (she deserves it) 2. rumi (they are already a magical girl) 3. gillion (gillion is out here killing evil things like a magical girl too, fucking spectacular) 4. rolan (i imagined rolan girl with a grey streak in her hair so this is too hilarious to pass up) 5. rand (one of those anime weird girls im down with that) 6. kian (also writing this down to note she should keep the abs)

MINECRAFT:

1. goobleck (you met it on a server and it was really funny and you two are now friends forever) 2. thanatos (beats your ass in every competitive game but thinks youre good enough to team with despite you feeling bad and pathetic at the game) 3. rand (has been banned several times for swearing and being stupid but every time he's back you love him more) 4. rumi (has minecraft builds that blow your mind theyre so pretty) 5. peter (has minecraft builds that blow your mind for.. other reasons. needs some improvement. i like the big rock though. this guy keeps infodumping abt and he loved the addition of andesite btw) 6. jay (she is a hacker and is flying around like no one's business and got banned and was sad posting "i thought it was funny :(( please let me back in")

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

chip. just him. idk. i think he needs it.

i should have stopped this list over half an hour ago so yeah that's it I got way too lost in this sorry....

(maybe i will do more or redo this later because it was pretty fun)

#📚 my posts #📌 thoughts

[m0tel6mxzzy]

Heyyyy!!! I’ve followed you for a while cause generally I’ve always loved your aesthetic, but recently I went through the skins tag (it’s my current special interest) and saw that you were a fairly frequent contributor to the tag and also one of the few people who actually likes the show in an analytical way which made me so happy! (I’ve had to sift through so much toxic stuff to find people who are normal in that tag lmao) - sincerely, a fellow Cassie defender who wants proana freaks to get their freaky little fingernails off of her.

i’m gonna cry 😭😭😭 i’m really glad to hear that. that really warms my heart because i never see cassie as just her ed or mental illness. i think when it comes to skins, to me it’s “realistic fiction” on screen rather than in a book, so while yes it is fiction, stuff like what happened to cassie or effy can occur irl, and their plummeting mental health and people around them being affected by it in various ways isn’t ideal or glamorous. i feel the same way abt effy as someone who’s recovered from depression-her and cassie’s finales give me hope that you can manage mental illness if given the proper resources.

i think many pro-ed ppl think of cassie and see this character w an ed who gets attention for being sick, so obviously they want the same thing, bc ed’s thrive off of attention in some cases. but if u look closely, it only causes her to further regress into her illness because that’s what it does. it wants attention, but also to not be resolved. cassie has no idea how to cope with a disorder that gives her a false sense of happiness one minute, then loneliness the next. so even if her friends do care about her, they can’t actually help her or make her better-but by the end of the series cassie carves out her own plan toward recovery, especially for the sake of caring for her brother. she does it for herself, not for sid or anyone else not guaranteed to be in her life. because she knows later on that she deserves better.

cassie was sweet and bubbly, but learned to stand up for herself and find self reliance as she got older, and that’s what i adore about her. reducing her to her ed inherently washes away her development. i also notice pro ed ppl in the skins tag as well which is bothersome, because if they did watch the show, cassie is miserable because of her ed and the isolation it brings her. same w effy and her depression.

#i really appreciate receiving this message i’ll be smiling the whole day thanks to u :))) #edienotsedgwick #cassie ainsworth #skins uk #asks

[yagamisdiary]

if u feel uncomfortable answering this question u don’t have to!

just wanted to ask if u have any tips in preventing on doing sh? like it’s really hard to stop once u started and even if you’re clean for a while the urge doesn’t go away

oh damn we’re getting deep okay

TW: self harm, rape, drug use, overdose

so i used to self harm and i think this is pretty well known since i included it in parasite and what not

i started in 2016, i was 16 and i had scars all down my arms and i always wore sweaters, jackets, long sleeves etc

btw, i live in TEXAS where it’s hotter than hell so i would sweat my ass off and ppl would be like girl take off your jacket but i would always say i was fine even though i was dying

i ended up doing it until i was 17/18 without anyone noticing until i overdosed and went to the hospital (1st suicide attempt) and they saw the cuts

when i woke up i got help and sent to a mental facility and got some cute socks 😍 (sorry humor is my coping mechanism) and i ended up getting clean from self harm and drugs

i was clean for maybe an entire year but i would get random urges but i would just try to push them down or resorted to other forms of self harm like pinching myself until i bled or pulling my hair until it came out or punching walls/glass

when i turned 19, i got raped and i ended up going down hill again and start to self harm again and doing drugs again

my second suicide attempt happens after i slit my wrists again and endured blood loss and had to go to the hospital AGAIN and got cute socks AGAIN

i think i didn’t get better until i was 21 and it was only because i moved away from everything that was making me depressed. i left my family, friends, school, etc behind and started a new life in another town with my dad (my parents are divorced)

moral of this depressing ass story is i didn’t magically get clean one day. that’s not real. people who actually deal with self harm never just get better one day. it’s not possible because it’s an illness, it’s an addiction and i know that first hand

the best piece of advice i can give you is to find a pattern. find what makes you want to cut yourself and try your absolute hardest to stay away from it or get rid of it even if it hurts like a bitch

leaving everything behind hurt so bad, saying goodbye to some and just disappearing on others hurt but my mental health has never been better

there are times where if things get bad, i’ll randomly get the urges too but i think i’ve gotten much better at convincing myself it’s not worth it

i’m stuck with scars that are BARELY fading away because of something i did years ago and sometimes it makes me really sad when i feel insecure about wearing certain things that expose my arms or when someone points it out

at the time, i just had so much disgust and hatred for myself that i wanted to cause myself pain. i felt like i deserved it. i deserved to hurt, i deserved to bleed

and then there was times where i was so depressed and numb that i would cut myself just to feel something, just to see if i was alive

i regret it so fucking much i wish i could go back and hug my 16 year old self and beg her not to do those things and be kinder to herself and love herself some more

i’m legit tearing up while writing this because the idea of someone feeling so low of themselves that they feel the need to punish themselves breaks my heart so badly because no one deserves that.

i hope whatever you’re going through gets better and i hope you never get the urge to hurt yourself again because from someone who committed self harm in many different forms for YEARS i can tell you personally it’s not worth it

it won’t take the pain away, it won’t change anything, it won’t make you feel better

if you ever need someone to talk to, i’m here for you!!

#amara's asks

[ifellinlovewithpersona]

Okay so this is my second post of liveblogging SMT V ending and this time it contains HEAVY spoilers of Chaos Ending so I actually switched to the laptop and I'm making the cut to not spoil it for ppl who hadn't played/hadn't finished the game yet or just simply got another ending XD

So yeah, as I mentioned above - I got a Chaos Ending

I'm still in the process of thinking throught it in my mind so my thoughts now might be a little... chaotic (no pun intended xD)

So yeah maybe first I'll share my thoughts about final bosses :P

I really liked Abdiel's Fallen Angel design - like imo her head (in the form before she fused with Dazai) kinda reminded me of P5 Arsene tbh, idk if that was intentional or not but Arsene had similar "flaming face" design and head shape. It's also interesting that not every Nahobino had to look human-passing as Abdiel+Dazai looked more like a bull/horse and Nuwa+Yakumo like a snake, and actually V-kun+Aogami is a rare exception of Nahobino who actually looks human-like. Like maybe that's not related thought but I wonder how much of a control have both parties in deciding how their Nahobino form will look like - it is completely random or it have some connections to god's personality (like Aogami actually loved humans and treated V-kun like he was his son and allowed him to be in control (when for other Nahobinos, I had a feeling that the god is in control, not their human), so that's why their form looked human-like or something) or it's tied to how the human subcounciously viewing how a powerful being should look like or something.

I don't have much thoughts about Nuwa+Yakumo Nahobino fight since it was very similar to the previous one but I definitely have thoughts about Lucifer fight because damn, that was an interesting one xD I liked that this fight actually felt like a boss fight since he had some gimmicks and different phases, kinda like final bosses from other Atlus games I played so far. But damn, the fight was so creepy. Like the fact there wasn't any music, just this creepy as fuck ambient, literally got me shivers. The fight wasn't that difficult imo (I only got killed once because I didn't know what this stars were actually doing and that Lucy can make this massive damage if they are present) - like in my opinion Yaldy's boss fight in P5 was more difficult than Lucifer in SMT V since there were much more things you had to be aware of during that fight and Lucifer basically only was summoning his stars, buffing himself and sometimes casted "confused" alignment, so I really thought that I'm gonna suffer more than I actually did xD I'm also wondering what he meant about this System and stuff cause it was still very vaguely mentioned but I have a feeling it's probably explained in previous games so at least I have another reason to play other SMT games and finding out more about the lore :P

And about the ending:

Actually the more I think about it, the more I realize how depressing the ending was. Like just after I finished game and credit started to roll I was like "hey, the ending wasn't actually that bad" but rn the more I think about it... No matter what Naho did, he couldn't break the curse of the System and the situation was destined to repeat again, again and again, like yes, he thought he actually gonna restore the natural state of the world where humans and gods can coexist, but then we got an information that the conflict arised once again so I think Naho could even got killed at the end now when I'm thinking about it :/ Not only that, but recreating a new world couldn't restored the lives of his friends so in the end all of that effort had gone to waste... and the fact that he had to witnessed everyone except Miyazu dying literally to get nothing in the end is just.. depressing as fuck

At least I hope that before things went to shit once again, he at least created a therapist for himself in that new world because damn, the boy desperately needed therapy. Or just a hug.

Also kinda random thought but the ending cutscene when Naho is walking through the space kinda reminded me of Sea of Souls from Persona, like idk if that's only Persona thing or not but it was just a vibes I got from that cutscene

Okay so that was my all my thoughts about Chaos Ending so far, I hope the post wasn't too long and if you made it all the way here - congrats xD I just wanted to share how I feel about the ending cause damn that was depressing shit

#the adventures of young man #smt tag #smt v spoilers #shin megami tensei v spoilers #long post

[irascible-iridescent]

So I saw so many ppl on tumblr watch Barbie and I finally watched it too! What can I say, it is a comedy. Also the story is weirdly very similar to The Lego Movie.

But I would say Lego movie went and defined the argument between the son and the father who were kind of like "the gods" for the lego people. Like anything that didn't make sense in the lego world worked bc it was a little boy playing with it. And the bad things started to happen bc father didn't want his son to mess up his collection and he yelled at him and started to glue bricks together. But in Barbie you never learn anything about the mother and the daughter. Why did they fall apart? What caused them to stop spending time together? Why is the teen girl is mean to her mom like she did something bad? But the movie answers it with She Is Just A Teenager thats why. And it doesn't make any sense. Here bad things in the Barbie world started to happen bc the woman was depressed probably bc her daughter is mean to her (I guess so). She keeps one Barbie she likes around and works at the Mattel. She is also thinking of death and cellulite and like okay but it sounds like they barely scraped the top of the problems this woman faces. And I guess it all fixed itself when she started a poly relationship with Barbie who is a real person now? Like okay maybe. But she and her daughter are just decorations, the movie jokes a lot how the Kens are the accessories for Barbies but the human characters men and women alike are also accessories, they have zero depth. Stereotypical Barbie is also really boring just as a character. Id like to see Weird Barbie more or President Barbie or literally any other Barbie bc this one is Just So Beautiful. Like every time she says she has nothing going on she has no interests and no achievements and no hobby no needs no wants somebody says but you are so beautiful! AND SMART. And I just cant help but laugh bc it doesn't matter that she is beautiful!!! She has nothing going on in her life. The woman who played with her is a mother and a secretary who can drive and she draws in her free time and seems very nice overall. She has things going on for her, her job her family her love for Barbies AND her artistic expression! The movie never answers the question What should I do if I dont have anything going on in my life. Like she says to the directors of Mattel what if we have a Barbie who is like nobody? AND THEY ALREADY HAVE THAT. THEY DO SELL BARBIES THAT ARE JUST A GIRL IN A DRESS WITHOUT ANYTHING ELSE. Its literally cheapest Barbies available. I had these!! 20 years ago!!!! Also there were series of Barbies that had flat feet, but the movie just deliberately forgets their existence. It was a beach series btw. Tbh Ken had more depth bc he liked horses. Like he went to the real world and immediately found something he fell in love with. And Barbie was just There. Like okay go girl give us nothing. I love Margot and she is excellent actor and she works really hard to bring this character to life but the character is boring as hell. I like Margot as a Barbie but I do not like the stereotypical Barbies role in this movie. She just finds out that she wants to be a real human! Wow. It doesn't make any sense. It felt more like movie doesn't address the problems Mattel has, it makes fun of them.

So I would say its a really shallow movie for me. Its not as fun as Barbie and the nutcracker and its not for kids. It is a typical American comedy to go with your friends dressed in pink and to have a laugh, popcorn and a good time. I can't help but be really amused by all the fragile men who got offended by this movie. Im sorry but yall have no sense of humour and yall get offended too easily. God forbid yall ever learn how real life women joke among themselves about real life men lmao.

I will probably buy myself Barbie The Movie doll

#personal

[densha-otoko]

idk if ppl i know are really on here so i think im just gonna yell into the void

tbh i’ve been so depressed over the past few months. over a year back i met someone really cool that i crushed on for a long time and ended up becoming really good friends with and over the past year we kind of orbited around each other’s lives and at some point we ended up getting romantically involved and dated, but we ended up breaking up shortly after.

and it sucks cause like for me the ending was so abrupt, we didn’t even have any arguments or anything it kind of just went from honeymoon phase to ending, like we didn’t even end up establishing what kind of relationship it was or what we expected from each other, but at some point she realized that it wasn’t necessarily what she was looking for, which tbh made sense because we didn’t actually have too much in common in respect to our interests, but we had a lot of respect for each other, but also because i struggled to reciprocate her affection in the way that she wanted, like this was the first time i got romantically involved with someone in years and i struggled with intimacy and tbh don’t have much of a libido and she thought i was just being protective of her boundaries when in fact i was being protective of my own as well.

but i think what sucks the most is that because we got involved romantically it’s just over now, we used to talk almost every day even before we started dating, and i tried to salvage the friendship but i don’t think she wants that. we still follow each other on social media but it’s gotten to the point that she doesn’t even check on my ig stories anymore.

and idk it sucks cause she told me herself that i didn’t really do anything wrong she just stopped having feelings for me, but every day i just feel empty and like i messed something up and i continuously yearn for what we used to have but i know that’s not a version for her that exists anymore, im actually also really sure that she’s already moved on and is dating someone else now, and it just sucks, like I’ve went on dates since the breakup but im so afraid of repeating what already happened or projecting my emotions onto another person so I’ve just been trying to keep up with friends and go to therapy

but idk it sucks, i just feel like there’s something wrong with me everyday, she had a very specific way of making me feel seen and i know it’s just not going to be back and idk how to feel that feeling again and i just wish i could start feeling better again and feel some kind of connection like that again

#personal