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alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer · 3 years

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all gone, all gone, all gone

part 5: i gotta get away from myself, i gotta get help

this is the last part before the epilogue! I hope you enjoyed it! i borrowed a few lines from leigh bardugo, i hope she doesn't mind :)

this is mostly resolution, but there is obviously still discussion of a suicide attempt! i would also say there's a bit of implied ableism that's not supported by the story

happy early birthday to @littlx-songbxrd!!!! the thomastair part is for you

Cordelia took a deep breath and opened the door.

Will, Sophie, the Consul, and the Inquisitor appeared to be in the middle of their discussion. Solemn expressions rested on their faces, with the exception of Maurice Bridgestock, who appeared utterly disinterested.

The Inquisitor glared when she entered. “You cannot be in here, young lady.”

“You can’t send him away. You can’t send him to the Basilias.”

“That decision is not yours to make, Ms. Herondale,” Maurice said.

“I’m not naive. I know that he needs help. I understand that. But he won’t find it in the Basilias; you know that as well as I. He needs to be here. He needs to be with his family. Barely two days after our father died, Belial went to Alastair and threatened his life. He altered his mind and ordered him to do terrible things. That is fact. What he was doing when Belial sought him out is irrelevant. Acquit him and allow us to handle the rest as a personal matter.”

“When it leads to consorting with a Prince of Hell to carry out acts of evil, it can no longer be considered a personal matter. Your brother is a risk to himself and everyone around him.”

She wanted to scream. Why weren’t the rest of them saying anything? Why would they not defend him? “Please. If it were Matthew, what would you do?”

“Ms. Herondale! That is uncalled for,” Bridgestock scolded. “And you are intruding on a private matter of the Nephilim Council.”

Cordelia continued. “You cannot truly tell me that it is unreasonable to imagine Matthew in a similar situation, if he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. You see Alastair as a risk because you do not wish to be responsible for him. It is easier for you to send him away, but it will not be easier for him, nor for our family. If you truly care for my family as you claim to-”

“That is enough,” Inquisitor Bridgestock interrupted.

Cordelia wasn’t finished. There was so much more she wished to say. She wanted to ask Will why he and Tessa were so blind to what was truly happening within her family. Why they never asked questions. Why, even after her father’s arrest, they still refused to see it. Why the most there was to offer was Will’s comment about his own father. She wanted to ask him what she should think now, now that her own father was dead, now that the evidence of his harm was laid out before them. Was he merely human? Was that supposed to make any of the irreparable harm he caused not only Alastair, but her, too, any better? Was it supposed to be placating? She even wanted to ask the Consul how she could raise such a callous son, a son who began a relationship with someone who was a child while he was an adult. A son who made her brother feel undeserving of anything good. As she attempted to collect her thoughts, it no longer became necessary.

“She’s right,” Sophie said. “Alastair made a mistake, but it was made under horrible, bizarre circumstances. Irreplicable circumstances, most likely. Anything he did that is punishable by Nephilim law was done under magical control by Belial. The best place for him to recover is with his family.”

“I find it very irresponsible-” Bridgestock continued, but Sophie interrupted.

“He will be taken off of active duties until he is deemed both physically and mentally ready to return to them. I could meet with him each week, assess how he is doing and how much of a risk he is, as Inquisitor Bridgestock put it. Consider it a recompense for my indiscretion.”

Will was oddly silent, something Cordelia hadn’t known he could be before. Finally, the Consul spoke. “I find those terms to be reasonable. Thank you, Sophie. If he agrees to them, I don’t see any reason to send him anywhere but back home.”

The Inquisitor seemed like he was about to object, but Will spoke up, “I agree.”

Cordelia sighed in relief as the Inquisitor backed down. Perhaps, somehow, this story could have a happy ending after all.

* * *

Alastair looked away the moment Thomas entered the infirmary. His memories of the past two weeks were strange, as if someone else had been controlling his body while he merely watched on, while at the same time not. Regardless, he could remember every moment of it. There was no way he could ever look him in the eyes again after all that he’d revealed back in that warehouse, not after looking into his beautiful hazel eyes with the sole intention of crushing him, not after making him weep. Perhaps he’d not been able to raise his blade against Thomas, but he hurt him all the same, and he could never forgive himself for that.

“You look like you’re doing better,” Thomas offered.

“Thank you,” he replied. “I feel very well-rested after my coma.”

Thomas hesitated, then added, “Well, if that’s all it took, why didn’t you try that ages ago?”

Alastair exhaled, glad that he understood his humor, however bleak. “Are you saying I usually look tired?” He bit the inside of his cheek. This was far too close to flirting for comfort.

“No more than the rest of us. Perhaps I should try it next.”

"I have a feeling your mother wouldn't appreciate that." He thought of the terms he agreed to earlier. “Didn’t you hear? She’s meant to counsel me. I’d prefer her in good spirits.”

“True enough.” Thomas hesitated for a moment. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Alastair allowed himself to look up for one brief moment before looking back down. Thomas’ eyes were worried. “I think you know the answer to that.”

“No one blames you for what happened. I certainly don’t.”

He exhaled. “I don’t need your pity, Thomas. I don’t want it. Yours or anyone else’s. You hated me before this whole ordeal and you should still. I’ve done many terrible things, not just those under Belial’s influence. I deserve your disdain. The only reason you look at me differently now, the only reason any of you have given me a second glance is because you can finally see me for what I am: broken. So don’t come here offering me your pity and your kindness and your support when all you truly see me as is something to fix. I apologize for everything I’ve done, for all the ways I’ve hurt you, directly or not. Let us leave it at that. I know what I said in the warehouse, but-”

“You don’t need saving. You never did,” Thomas finished for him. “I know you feel vulnerable and exposed right now. You clung to this visage of cruelty and unfeeling as protection. Words were your armor, but it's fragile stuff, all show. It’s not what you’re made of. What’s underneath it, that’s adamas. Tougher than diamond, rare and beautiful, brave and resilient, utterly unbreakable. And it doesn’t need fixing.

“I know we’ve both made mistakes. I know you need time to heal. But I… I care for you, Alastair. I have for a long time, even when I was trying so hard to deny it. I don’t know which parts of the things you said were truthful and which were lies and I don’t need to. All I need to know is whether or not you’ll take me as your friend. Perhaps, one day, if we both so desire it, something more, but for now, I can think of nothing I want more than to be your friend.”

Alastair only nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Thomas reached then, slowly, to cup his cheeks in his hands, giving him the opportunity to pull away if he wanted to. He did not. For a moment, he thought Thomas was going to lean in to kiss him, despite his insistence a few moments earlier that for the time being they would only be friends. Instead, he gently pulled Alastair’s head towards his chest, wrapping his arms firmly around him, strong and steady. In that moment, Alastair knew only one thing with complete certainty: he never wanted Thomas to let go.

* * *

Alastair didn’t know how long Thomas stayed, but at some point he fell asleep, and when he woke, Thomas was gone. He felt a pang in his chest at the realization. He selfishly, dangerously wanted him back beside him. He noticed a book beside his bed that he was certain was not there before. He opened it and found a short note inside. He recognized the handwriting before reading the signature: it was from Thomas. Alastair despised the warmth in his chest when he realized this, but mainly because he feared it.

I don’t know if you like poetry, but I enjoyed these. They comforted me when I felt alone, and I thought perhaps they could keep you company while you’re in the infirmary. -Tom

Flipping through it, he could see that it was a collection of poems, most in Farsi but a few in Arabic as well. He was certain he’d mocked Cordelia for reading the same poems at some point, back when he believed love to be cold and pointless. Perhaps what he believed was love was never truly love at all. Perhaps now he could attempt to find out.

He shut the book as he heard the door to the infirmary open. Sophie Lightwood appeared.

“Hello, Alastair. I hope I’m not disturbing you.” He shook his head. “Good. I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier. That was entirely inappropriate of me.”

“It’s alright. You needed to know. You needed to be sure. I would have done the same thing.”

“I- That doesn’t make it right, but thank you for understanding.” She paused. “I thought it would be helpful to discuss our arrangement, as well as what you plan to tell your mother about what’s happened.”

Alastair had expected the first part, but his mother? “What?”

“I suspect you’ve not told her the truth, have you? Do you plan to?”

“I-” he swallowed anxiously. “Cordelia told her I got sent out of town.”

“Alastair, you’re not in any trouble. What you choose to tell her and not tell her is not mine to judge. I simply believe it would be helpful to be prepared.”

“We’re- we’re not supposed to cause her any extra stress because of the baby.”

“Do you wish to tell her the truth?”

He thought for a moment. “I don’t want any more secrets.” He had enough of them to contend with.

“I think that’s wise. Your mother is strong, and so is the baby. If telling her the truth will help you, it will help her. I believe that more than anything, she wishes to know that you’re okay. There is just as much stress in secrecy as there is in truth.”

He thought for a moment. “How am I meant to explain this to her?” His voice broke as he spoke.

She considered it, sat down, and considered it some more. “I don’t know.”

“Why are you helping me? And don’t tell me it’s because you asked a single question during my interrogation.”

There was silence for a moment. “Alastair, Shadowhunters are people of scars. Many of them are sustained in battle, but not all of them are. Perhaps not even most. The way I see it, there are three types of people. There are those who see battle scars as the only true sign of wound, such as the Inquisitor. All else is merely a weakness in constitution. It is that belief that is built into Nephilim society, and it is the view that most hold.

“There are also those who understand that other types of scars exist, ones that are sustained at home, but they do not know that hurt personally, and they do not truly understand it. I see people like Will falling into this category.

“Finally, there are those of us who are not haunted by demons because we know that there is so much more to fear. We know that scars sustained outside of battle, both physical and not, often run much deeper than that of a demon’s claw. Those wounds cannot be healed by runes or magic. You cannot do it alone. I don’t know how much you know about my past, but when Charlotte found me, I was broken and alone. The Silent Brothers healed me physically, but the rest took time and support. It took many people who refused to turn their back on me, and I will not turn my back on you.”

“I… I don’t deserve it,” was all he could think to respond.

“Perhaps it is not something deserved, then, but simply something given.”

“In school, I spread terrible rumors about you, your husband, the Consul… I said-”

“I don’t care. Whatever you said, it doesn’t matter. I am an adult, Alastair. Whatever lies you repeated as a child don’t bother me. Your past doesn’t define you. It merely gives you a chance to be better, to learn.”

Alastair didn’t respond. He’d never thought of it from that perspective.

“I should go. You need time to rest. But consider what I’ve said, alright? I’ll be in touch again and we can arrange times to meet, perhaps over tea.”

He nodded. “Thank you.” He hadn’t meant to say it, he wasn’t even entirely certain what he was grateful for, but he knew the words were true.

She gave him a small smile. “Take care, Alastair.”

thanks so much for reading! taglist: @jem-nasium @littlx-songbxrd @fortheloveofthecarstairs @cant-think-of-anything @shadowrunner2000 @writeforjordelia @jurdan-my-beloved

#alastair carstairs #thomastair week #thomas lightwood #sophie collins #cordelia carstairs #tlh #the last hours #therapist!sophie is where it's at #cw suicide #all gone fic

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song-of-oots · 3 years

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Fuchsia Groan: my (un)exceptional fave

A while ago a friend of mine was asking for people to name their favourite examples of strong female characters, and my mind immediately leapt to Gormenghast’s Fuchsia Groan because it always does whenever the words “favourite” and “female character” come up in the same sentence. In fact scratch that, if I had to pick only one character to be my official favourite (female or otherwise) it would probably be Fuchsia. There are not sufficient words in the English language to accurately describe how much I love this character.

The issue was that I’m not sure Fuchsia Groan can accurately be described as “strong”, and until my friend asked the question, it hadn’t even occurred to me to analyse her in those terms…

Actually this isn’t completely true; Mervyn Peake does describe Fuchsia as strong in terms of her physical strength on multiple occasions. But in terms of her mental strength things are less clear cut. She’s certainly not a total pushover, and anyone would probably find it tough-going to cope with the neglect, tragedy and misuse she suffers through. In fact, this is something Mervyn Peake mentions himself – whilst also pointing out that Fuchsia is not the most resilient of people:

“There were many causes [to her depression], any one of which might have been alone sufficient to undermine the will of tougher natures than Fuchsia’s.”

Anyway, this has gotten me thinking about Fuchsia’s other traits and my reasons for loving her, going through a typical sort of list of reasons people often give for holding up a character as someone to admire:

So, is Fuchsia particularly talented?

No.

Is she clever, witty?

She’s definitely not completely stupid, and her insights occasionally take other characters by surprise, but she’s not really that smart either.

Does she have any significant achievements? Overcome great adversity?

Not really, no.

Is she kind?

Yes. Fuchsia is a very loving person and sometimes displays an incredible sensitivity and compassion for others. But… she can also be self-absorbed, highly strung, and does occasionally lash out at other people (especially in her younger years).

So why do I love Fuchsia so much?

Well, I’ll start be reiterating that I don’t really have the vocabulary to adequately put it into words, but I will try to get the gist across. So:

“What Fuchsia wanted from a picture was something unexpected. It was as though she enjoyed the artist telling her something quite fresh and new. Something she had never thought of before.”

This statement summarises not only Fuchsia but also the way I feel about her (and for that matter the Gormenghast novels in general). Fuchsia is something I’ve never really seen before. On the surface, she fits the model of the somewhat spoiled but neglected princess, and yet at the same time she cannot be so neatly pigeon-holed. It’s not just that her situation and the themes of the story make things more complex (though that is a factor); Fuchsia herself is so unique and vividly detailed that she manages to be more than her archetype. She feels like a real person and, like all real people, she is not so easy to label.

Fuchsia is also delightfully strange in a way that feels very authentic to her and the setting in general (which is particularly refreshing because it can all too often feel as though female characters are only allowed to be strange in a kooky, sexy way - yet Fuchsia defies this trend).

She’s a Lady, but she’s not ladylike. She’s messy. She slouches, mooches, stomps and stands in awkward positions. Her drawing technique is “vicious” and “uncompromising”. She chews grass. She removes her shoes “without untying the laces by treading on the heels and then working her foot loose”. She’s multi-faceted and psychologically complex. Intense and self-absorbed, sometimes irrational and ruled by her emotions more than is wise, but also capable of insight and good sense that takes others by surprise. She is extremely loving and affectionate, and yet so tragically lonely. Simultaneously very feminine and also not. Her character development from immature teenager to adult woman is both subtle and believable. She has integrity and decency – she doesn’t need to be super clever or articulate to know how to care for others or stand up for herself.

Fuchsia is honest. She knows her own flaws, but you never catch her trying to put on airs or make herself out to be anything other than what she is. She always expresses her feelings honestly.

She’s not sexualised at all. I don’t mean by this that she has no sexuality – though that’s something Peake only vaguely touches on – but I don’t really feel like I’m looking at a character who was written to pander to the male gaze (though her creator is male, I get the vibe he views her more as a beloved daughter than a sexual object).

Finally, I find her highly relatable. I am different to Fuchsia in many ways, but we do have several things in common that I have never seen so vividly expressed in any other character. This was incredibly important to me when I was a teenager struggling through the worst period of depression I ever experienced – because she was someone who I could relate to and love in a way I was incapable of loving myself. Her ability to be herself meant a lot to me as someone struggling with my own identity and sense of inadequacy. It didn’t cure my depression, but it helped me survive it.

What am I trying to say with all this?

I love Fuchsia on multiple levels. I love her as a person and also as a character and a remarkable piece of writing. I mention some of the mundane details Peake uses to flesh out her character firstly because I enjoy them, but also because it’s part of the point. Her story amazes me because it treats a female character and her psychological and emotional life with an intense amount of interest regardless of any special talents or achievements she happens to exhibit. She doesn’t fit the model of a modern heroine but neither does she need to – she’s still worth spending time with and caring about.* To me the most important things about Fuchsia are how different and interesting and relatable she is – and how real she feels.

* To be honest, this is part of the point of the Gormenghast novels in general. The story is meant to illustrate the damage that society – and in particular rigid social structures and customs – can do to individuals with its callous indifference to genuine human need. Fuchsia is one of many examples of this throughout the novels. These characters don’t need to be exceptionally heroic in order to matter – they just need to exist as believable people. And despite how strange they all are, they often do manage to be fundamentally relatable.

Why am I talking about female characters in particular here?

The focus on “strong” female characters and the critique against that is pretty widely acknowledged. Growing up, I definitely noticed the lack of female characters in popular media and the ensuing pressure this then places on the ones that do exist to be positive representations of womankind – someone girls can look up to. It’s very understandable that we want to see more examples of admirable female protagonists, given that women were traditionally left to play support roles and tired stereotypes. The problem is that the appetite for more proactive female heroines can sometimes lead to characters who are role models first and realistic human beings second (characters who I mentally refer to as Tick-All-The-Boxes Heroines). It’s not a problem with “strong” proactive heroines per se, but rather lack of variation and genuine psychological depth (not to mention a sometimes too-narrow concept of what it even means to be strong).

Male characters tend not to have this particular problem because they are much better represented across the whole range of roles within a story. You get your fair share of boring worn out archetypes. You get characters who are meant to represent a positive version of heroic masculinity (and now that I come to think of it, having a very narrow and unvarying presentation of what positive masculinity looks like is its own separate problem, but outside the scope of this particular ramble). We don’t usually spend time obsessing over whether a piece of fiction has enough examples of “strong” male characters though, because we’re generally so used to seeing it that we automatically move on into analysing the work and the characters on other terms. And because there are often more male characters than female, they don’t all bear the burden of having to be a positive representative of all men everywhere. They exist to fulfill their roles, and often exhibit more variety, nuance and psychological depth. They are also often allowed to be weird, flawed and unattractive in ways that women usually aren’t (which is a damn shame because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a weird outsider and yet this perspective is so often told primarily through a male lens).

Tl:dr; Fuchsia Groan is a character who feels like an answer to so many of those frustrations that I felt growing up without even truly understanding why. A large part of why I love her is simply because of how much I relate to her on a personal level. I admire her emotional honesty and her loving nature… But there’s also a part of me that was just so relieved to find a female character who exists outside of the usual formulae we seem to cram women into. She is unique, weird and wonderful (but non-sexualised). Psychologically nuanced and vividly written. She isn’t exceptionally heroic or talented or a high achiever – but she does feel like a real person.

Female characters don’t need to tick all the right boxes in order to be interesting or worth our time any more than the male ones do.

#fuchsia groan #gormenghast #mervyn peake #female characters #mental health #depression #long

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pfreadsandwrites · 3 years

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Okay okay i just read your tags on that sasuke and hinata post and you said you think they'd be compatible and i think that's a v new take cause mostly people just believe that sasuke barely knows hinata exists? and that's kinda what i thought too tbh i mean ig hinata CAN be good for sasuke but will sasuke be good for hinata? I'm v curious so i wanna know your thoughts 👀

I guess it is a new take though I’ve definitely spoken to others who kinda agree with me about this over the years, but you’re right, it is basically a crack ship cuz yeah, they have never interacted ever. And i don’t even like Hinata and I’m always flip-flopping on Sasuke. In short i don’t hate him at all and I think he’s a super interesting and complex character, but I’m happy to dunk on him for the memes lol cuz god does he have his moments but I wouldn’t say he’s a character I love, but please, he is such a traumatised person, traumatised as a very young child to boot, and this is really glossed over by a lot of people.

But please be patient with me whilst I attempt to sort this out because I don’t often verbalise my thoughts about Naruto when it’s not about Kakashi so apologies if this is not very coherent... I also wanna point out that i am not a shipper and I approach ship dynamics on how well they work/how much it makes sense in the context of the show which is why i hardly ship anything. Also I wanna point out that I’m not necessarily thinking about the Sasuke through most of Shippuden as i write this, i’m sort of taking that aside and thinking about his potential and who he was at the beginning, and who he becomes at the end.

Will put it under a read more cuz wow! I don’t make sense but I sure don’t know how to shut up either!

Okay, so the thing about Sasuke that isn’t really touched upon by the fandom is exactly how driven by his emotions he is. He is such an intensely emotional person, despite being a relatively introverted and quiet person, and he’s obviously manipulated by it at various points throughout the series - he’s really not controlled or stoic, like, at all.

Comparatively, though Hinata is shy and introverted, she’s actually pretty good at keeping her emotions in check. Yes she gets nervous. She doesn’t wallow in her emotions or let them dictate her behaviour, and it’s actually her that brings Naruto back down to Earth when he’s freaking out that one time during the war arc. So they balance each other out in that sense.

I like their imagined dynamic for a few surface level reasons. In an AU where the massacre didn’t happen, or even before it happened, Sasuke and Hinata have a lot in common. They both come from these prestigious closed off clans, they both feel like they’re not measuring up, they have these overbearing and closed-off fathers. If they got to know each other they just would have related to each other very well I feel. Also, Hinata’s supposed to be quite empathetic and like... Sasuke definitely needs this. There’s a real lack from anyone in this series, Naruto included, that is actually trying to see where Sasuke is coming from that isn’t a) trying to use that to get him to do what they want b) trying to control him because they think they know what’s best for him, even if they’re acting for his sake.

I don’t see Hinata being that way with him? You could argue Sasuke needs someone more outwardly ‘tougher’ and no nonsense but I definitely think Hinata is extremely determined in her quiet way, especially when she cares about someone, but for some reason I think she’s one of the characters that I can see genuinely empathising with him and learning to see who he actually is. I don’t think she’d be passive, but she’s definitely the quiet understanding type and it’s hard because we don’t see her care about anyone other than Naruto, I do thjnk she’d be capable of calling him out when he needs it. I guess i think that in part is because she’s one of the few girls that doesn’t just thirst after him from the beginning.

But to answer the second part, would Sasuke be good for Hinata... Honestly, I can see it? For starters, not only does Hinata have issues with anxiety, but so does Sasuke. You sort of see that in the beginning with Sasuke. He’s the one that’s freaking out when they first meet Zabuza to the point that he wants to kill himself to end his anxiety and Kakashi has to snap him out of it. He’s the one that freaks out in the forest of death during the chunin exams and just wants to hand the scroll over and end it all. He’s not really like this in the same way in shippuden, but my god if Hinata couldn’t relate to this. Also, I wanna remind everyone how he is with Juugo. He’s the one that calms him down, the one that Juugo feels safe around. I know he’s doing it with a purpose in mind, but I think he’d have patience and empathy for Hinata’s fears the way he would for him. Obviously this would take place years later once Sasuke’s resolved some of his issues. I guess more than anything i see them having chemistry, and a quite, peaceful relationship that has the potential to be healthier than SasuSaku, and even, SasuNaru. (SasuNaru works only because Naruto is SO damn resilient, and because of how deep their bond is and how much they canonically complete each other, not because it’s healthy, or at least it wouldn’t be at first)

It’s genuinely harder to talk about why Sasuke would be good for Hinata because there really isn’t that much to her character, but I basically think Hinata would do well with someone that understands her as well, and Sasuke I think is pretty damn capable of that. I think the fact that they show no interest in each other whatsoever means that they both would have to develop as people in their own right, which Hinata definitely needs, Sasuke’s aloofness would probably do her good, and idk, I just think it has the capability of blossoming into something strong. Largely because for it to work they would have to become their own people, and then they would realise just how much they have in common and I just think their personalities complement each other. Sakura’s tough with everyone else but far too passive on him, but she really can’t understand him at all, nor he her, and i just think SasuHina have more potential in that way.

(i answered this very badly and i have some more thoughts that i’m having trouble expressing but i hope this helps)

(also to everyone who sent in requests i am working on them i promise!!!)

#sasuke #naruto #sasuhina #pftalks #answered #allthingskakashi

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nightwingwhatdidisay · 5 years

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“it goes like this”

Here’s my contribution to RobStar Week Day 6: Children (which is more like a cameo hehe)

Summary: they’ve got superpowers, and you’re not talking about starbolts or ancient incantations

(Or: a look into Nightwing’s train of thought)

ao3 version ~ ff.net version ~

A/N: I’ve been taking these prompts pretty loosely and I hope that’s alright with everyone. Also it’s definitely RobStar but note that this fic covers a lot of ground with Robin and the other Titans so if that’s not your thing then by all means I’ll see you on day 7 for some classic RxS fluff

It goes like this.

The morning light ebbs and flows through her hair like waves of fire, and you wonder how you got on with life before she started sleeping in your room, because waking up to this—a glorious configuration of golden skin and red hair and bright green eyes tangled in the sheets—seems like the only correct way to start the day. Her hand snakes out of the blanket and she runs her thumb across your jaw. There are fifty emotions on her face, and because you’ve been with her for some time now, you know she’s about to tell you something sad, and intimate, and honest.

“I believe leaving Tamaran was the worst thing to happen to me.”

That’s a new one.

“Really?”

She nods. “Because it was home. And now I’m here and Earth is home. I can no longer be in either place without missing the other. I fear I am going to spend the rest of my life in a state of yearning, regardless of where I am.”

This is a dilemma because you can’t relate. There’s no “yearning” going on when you think of where you grew up. Gotham is more of a ghost you can’t shake off than it is anything else. But then Kory takes your fingers and brings it up to her lips, and you’re reminded that right now she’s not looking for someone with answers. She’s looking for you, here, sharing the same pillow and breathing the same air while she chips at raw, unorganized thoughts bit by bit. For her this is good enough, and she deserves more than good enough but it’s only morning so there’s time to make it up to her.

And that’s important because Kory’s kind of the most beautiful thing in your life right now and it has nothing to do with her face or her body and everything to do with the life force thrumming inside her, pure and ferocious, and her vulnerabilities and her trust and her kindness that have all miraculously stayed alive despite everything she’s been through. They’re the foundations of the safe house you’ve been building for yourself inside of her.

You’ll have to get out of bed eventually. You both do. You have a team to lead and she’s got to play her part in it. But for now, you give yourself a pass to be selfish, and you cup her face into your hands and you kiss her so deeply you don’t even know who is breathing for whom. And that’s how you let your day begin.

Sometimes you can’t even stand to look at him.

But you’d rather Garfield not know that, because it’s not his fault. So you take the mug of coffee he’s offering you like it’s no big deal and you lean back against the counter, pretending the way he hums commercial tunes while reading the back of the cereal box doesn’t make your heart ache.

You’ve maneuvered the big brother thing with Jason and Tim in the same style Bruce maneuvered fatherhood with you: with an awkwardness beyond measure and heaps of crippling self-doubt and a whole lot of mistakes to seal the deal. So sometimes Garfield terrifies you. Because there’s a brotherhood going on and you rank on his list of role models, and you just don’t want to fuck it up. You’ve seen what it’s like to have a kid so lost and disturbed it got it himself killed. Or the way grief can come down on everyone like a grenade. You know guilt in all its shiny forms, and the insidious way it unravels you with thoughts of what you should have said and what you could have done to keep that boy alive.

Garfield is nothing like Jason. But you’re not really interested in taking any chances. Because behind a screen of lame jokes and false bravado is someone who’s had a childhood much tougher than he lets on. Gar’s got the concealment of pain thing down. And if his powers have taught him anything, it’s how to adapt, how to get from one form to another in order to survive. That’s resiliency, and Garfield’s got it in spades.

He’s growing into something spectacular, and just please, please don’t fuck it up, Dick. Because you’re tired of lost potential, and you know you won’t claw your way out of darkness if it happens a second time.

Gar’s reading the nutritional value of Fruity-O’s on the side of the box and you can’t stop thinking how decent he is. There’s a leader inside him, he doesn’t even realize it yet. You’ve been waiting for the right time to start a new type of discussion with Gar, one about change and the future of the team and your intentions of making him a bigger part of it. Maybe the right time is today. So you stand there, rehearsing it in your mind.

“Dude, you ever wonder how calorically dense a booger is?”

Maybe not today.

Raven’s got hawkeye vision because there is no other reason for you two to be sitting this far away from the mark. The distance is the span of the whole food court and the little girl looks like a tiny blip in a sea of Jump City consumers.

The mall as the venue is your idea, because it’s best to not make a scene, but you’ve tagged along in case things go sour since you never want Raven to be dealing with shit alone. Maybe it’s because she’s been inside your head, or because she’s got the bases covered with father issues and toxic vices and you can both struggle together, but for whatever reason, Raven knows you better than anybody. Better than Bruce and Alfred and Babs and Donna. Even better than Kory.

Maybe it works both ways, because you know what she’s thinking right now.

“They start them young, don’t they?”

The mark is barely a teenager, with a gaunt face and empty eyes and she’s scrawny and pale in a way she shouldn’t be. And there’s a story somewhere but all you need to know is that the system thoroughly failed her, and when people are that desperate and alone and marginalized, they tend to seek salvation in darker places.

Like a Trigonic cult, and Raven’s committed to not having that happen.

Because it’s against the rules of Raven to believe there’s nothing you can do to help those who’ve spiraled into darkness. Raven believes everyone—everyone—is redeemable. And here’s where Gotham rears its ugly head and mucks it all up for you, because you don’t know if you agree. You think you’ve seen irretrievable people before. But Raven’s got a faith in humanity so fierce it can shake your own beliefs and that’s also why you’ve tagged along. Because you want a revelation.

Raven looks at you. “Do you think people notice when I’m around?”

“I notice when you’re not. Does that count?”

“What if I’m not enough to change her mind?”

“Let’s find out.”

You see it well up in her face, the self-doubt. And suddenly she’s rambling to you in a quiet voice about how maybe she‘s not the right person for the job. It should be you. It should be Starfire. It should be someone with an actual joy for life to sell and I can’t do it, Nightwing and I’m too unengaging and Why do I feel like something’s missing in my life without you guys and you guys don’t feel the same about me? and Everything’s swirling away and I’m swirling apart—

Raven’s getting a little hysterical, so you grab her hand.

“I think it’s about time you save that girl.”

She takes the first step forward. And you’re mentally throwing all the strength you have at her. Raven doesn’t realize how much you’ve made her well-being a priority in your life. That you had secretly vowed long ago to keep her around forever.

The team is sitting on a gold mine with this guy and it’s like nobody notices but you.

The end of the day hits and Cy’s got the foresight to wrangle you all up into the T-mobile, and before you know it you’re at the pier, watching Kory explain to the children on line for the cotton candy vendor not to be startled if it disappears in their mouths. Garfield’s got Raven by the arm, dragging her towards the Tunnel of Love with a sadistic gleam in his eye, and you just take it all in, amused out of your mind to witness Cyborg dip into the booth of a very, very pretty fortune teller.

Cyborg’s ironically the most human out of all of you, because he doesn’t forget to relax and if he sees you neglecting yourself he’ll shove relaxation down your throat as well, because he’s a no-man-left-behind kind of guy. Cy’s way passed dealing with his pain and that’s what makes him a success story. Maybe one day you’ll get there too.

Cyborg leaves the booth with a smug smile and the fortune teller’s number. He walks towards you, giving a subtle gesture of victory and you go in for the fist bump, grinning ear to ear. “Please don’t tell me you gave her the ‘I see your future and it’s me’ spiel.”

Cyborg looks at you like you’re not making any sense, and points to himself. “Look at me. You think I need a pick up line with shoulders like these?”

You can’t get enough of him. Of any of them. Because they’ve got superpowers, and you’re not talking about starbolts or ancient incantations. You’re talking about Starfire’s kindness and Garfield’s resiliency and Raven’s faith and Cy’s confidence and you know you’ve got to deliver too. You’ve got to make all this worth it for them. Because for some godforsaken reason the universe sent you a family you don’t deserve and you have no intention of giving it up anytime soon.

Starfire runs up and kisses you. She tastes like cotton candy, and you realize you finally have an answer for her. You want to tell her to stop seeing home as a place, and start seeing it as a group of people who have her heart. That way, no matter where everyone ends up in the future, every stretch of space between one loved one and another won’t seem so terrifying.

A few years ago you came to this city because you were running away from something. And look at you now, drawn in like a magnet.

You breath in rhythm with all of them, and it’s kind of everything.

#RobStar #Robstar Week 2019 #robstarweek2019 #robstarweek #Robin/Starfire #Robin #Nightwing #Starfire #Koriand'r #Raven #Beast Boy #Garfield Logan #Victor Stone #Cyborg #dickkory #Teen Titans #dc #dc comics #grayson

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Bidens foreign policy and Trump and the election full podcast interview here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1016881/6340693

Joe Biden : (00:00) Everything is going on here about Russia is wanting to make sure that I do not get elected the next president on his face because they know, I know them and they know me. I don't understand why this president is unwilling to take on Putin when he's actually paying bounties to kill American soldiers in Afghanistan. When he's engaged in activities that are trying to destabilize all of NATO. I don't know why he doesn't do it, but it's worth asking the question. Why isn't that being done? Any country interferes with us will in fact pay a price because they're affecting our Dana Lewis - Host: (00:41) Hi everyone. And welcome to this backstory on American foreign policy. I'm Dana Lewis, president elect Joe Biden has made it clear. He will be tougher on Russia. He will reassign the Paris Accords to reduce global warming. He is a steadfast supporter of the military Alliance NATO, but on so many different issues, there are big gaps in understanding his foreign policy on Afghanistan, Syria, Taiwan, Iran, and China and Turkey, Israel, and the Palestinian conflict. President Trump largely withdrew America from the world stage as a leader, failing to promote democracy and freedom. He retreated in the face of dictators, maybe because he wanted to become one himself. Now we see him undermining American democracy by not conceding the election. So in this backstory, there are a few people with better insight on international affairs than Mike McFaul. A professor at Stanford, a former diplomat, a former key advisor to president Obama and someone who will likely advise the new administration and maybe be part of it. Mike told me at the end of our interview, wow, we really covered a lot of the world. Have a listen. I think we did too. Dana Lewis - Host: (02:04) All right. Mike McFaul is a professor of political science and international relations at Stanford. He's a foreign policy expert. He was the former us ambassador to Moscow and he was also a key advisor to president Obama. Hi Mike, and thanks for doing the interview. Yeah, thanks for having me. Wow. What is going on in America? I want to talk to you about foreign policy, but I mean, the us sets the agenda for so many countries around the world and we're, we're watching the U S election. Um, and it is jaw dropping. I mean, Trump won't work with Biden on transition. They won't recognize the election results. You know, if I was reporting from another country and I've been doing this for 40 years, I'd be saying that this is an attempted coup what do you call it? Well, I don't think I would use the phrase attempted cool co yet. Uh, I'm deeply disturbed by what president Trump and his, Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (03:00) Uh, various army of people are doing. Uh, and not because I think they're going to overturn the elections. I actually have a confidence in our democratic institutions. We're a federal system. We're not a unitary system. So his ability to overturn, to use the department of justice to use the courts. I think I don't see any scenario under which he maintains power, but the process of doing so I believe undermines the legitimacy of the election. Uh, and first and foremost, that's in the eyes of millions of Trump voters, who at the end of this process will think that this election was falsified and will have a different, will not appreciate and, and support the idea that we have one president that it's, you know, that we have a legitimately elected president. And second, it helps our autocratic, uh, enemies around the world. I mean, we looked like a joke. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (03:52) I, you know, I follow the Russian press pretty closely. I see all the ridicule there and it, it undermines the idea of the United States as a model of democracy. Now, we haven't been doing very well for many, many years. Don't get me wrong. We have not been inspiring many small D Democrats around the world for a while, but I think there was a hope and a sense of relief that this election would lead to democratic renewal in the United States, by the way, I believe it. Well, I worked with vice president Biden for many years, and I believe that is coming, but this long drawn out process of transition is undermining that. And I, I, I wish people would think about the national security implications of the silly games that they're playing right now. What are the national security implications? We're strict, anything Putin we're strengthening. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (04:42) She we're undermining, signing the idea that democracies are better than our talk proceeds. Uh, for me, you know, I believe there there's going to be a long terms, struggle between the ideas of democracy and autocracy, liberalism, and illiberalism, uh, for decades to come. Uh, and this just, uh, you know, I think hurts the ability of, of presidents elect Biden to get off to a fresh start. Now, I, you know, I, I'm still optimistic that he will be better for this, uh, international ideological struggle than president Trump, president Trump didn't care about democracy, uh, much at home and most certainly not abroad. Uh, he also didn't engage in the world that much. He was, you know, I call it the Trump withdrawal doctrine. He, he pulled back. He's the most isolationist president we've had since world war two, uh, Biden will change both those things. Biden does care about democracy and universal values and human rights. I've seen it up close and personal. When I used to travel with them, uh, in the early years of the Obama administration and number two Biden believes in engagement, and he believes that we're better served the United States by being at the table then from disengaging from the table. But they're getting off to a slower start with more damage because of this long-term prolonged transition. Dana Lewis - Host: (06:02) I know like, you know, Adam Schiff said today that imagine this happening in another country, we would condemn it, retired general McCaffrey, who, you know, from my years at NBC, I have a lot of respect for him referring to Mike Pompeo's statement yesterday said, there'll be a peaceful transition of power to a second term for, for, uh, president Trump. And McCaffrey said, that's a chilling and dangerous statement by a lawless regime. I mean, that's very strong statements to here in America about America. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (06:37) Yes. I mean, I was disappointed with secretary Pompeo's comment. Um, uh, not the first time I've been disappointed by his comments, by the way. I do not think he's been a very successful secretary of state has very few achievements after many years in the job. Uh, but I also want to underscore, I am not worried about a coup I am not worried about lawlessness because every time secretary Palm PEO says something, or Senator Cruz, or even attorney general BARR, you, you read the headline, which is yes, the president has the right to look into, uh, you know, possible, uh, false falsification. But then you read the second line and it's clear that they have no passion for this because, you know, attorney general Barr's letter, for instance says only, uh, um, um, uh, investigations that will matter will be ones that might overturn an election in an individual state that is simply not going to happen. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (07:39) There is no credible evidence whatsoever that we are anywhere near that happening in any one of these battleground States. And I just want to remind everybody, you know, in 2000, uh, Gore, uh, versus, uh, Bush that went into December, the difference in votes was 537 in Pennsylvania. It's over 45,000 right now, and still counting, uh, that's 90 times more than what happened 20 years ago. And I just don't see any possible Avenue that will be overturned. And the, the lack of vigor, the lack of passion, that people that say these things that to me says a lot. They, I think they know this is true, and they're just, they're just humoring the president. I think that's really unfortunate, but I don't think it's going to lead to a reversal of this election Dana Lewis - Host: (08:32) Set me straight. And, and that is because I go from sheer panic to some of the things I read to kind of humorous. I mean, I, I look at what Pompeo said yesterday, and even he said it with a grim, right. But then you have to take it seriously. And how do you kind of keep yourself sober in these days, leading up to this and through this, what's going to be a turbulent transition. I mean, you, you just keep telling yourself in reality, it's not there. The election was free and fair and we'll come out the other side. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (09:08) Well, you know, I've studied, uh, breakthroughs of democracy and breakdowns of democracy for most of my academic life. Uh, I, I know that the world of cases I've studied them, all, some, some of them I've lived through. Um, and, and when I compare democratic breakdowns and other places versus where we're at today in the United States, that makes me optimistic. I see resilience with our institutions. I do not see them faltering. I see a president with autocratic proclivities, but he's, he's in America. He's not in Belarus. There's a big difference. Um, and, and remember, we're a highly decentralized, uh, democracy. We're a federal system. The courts are decentralized, you know, attorney general bark and write his letter, but then, then prosecutors have to go out and, and, uh, you know, execute that, you know, the department of justice is not behind that. I have lots of friends who work there. I experienced this myself just so you know, back in 2018, uh, when president Trump thought it'd be a great idea to hand me over to Vladimir Putin, to be interrogated by him because Putin accused me falsely. I want to say a underscore of committing crimes against the Russian government. Dana Lewis - Host: (10:25) Didn't Trump actually entertain the idea at a news conference after his meeting with Putin of, well, maybe we should hand Mike McFaul off Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (10:34) That's right. It was in Helsinki. I was there, yeah. Watching it in real time. Um, and so, you know, initially I thought this was just a joke, you know, not unlike, uh, listening to secretary Pompeo, then the white house doubled down on the threat at a press conference from the white house a few days later. Uh, and that's when I, I got a lawyer. Um, and that's when I did the rounds to, in, to the department of justice, secretary of state, even the white house, I went and met with Fiona Hill, the top Russia advisor at the time. And that's when it was apparent to me that no matter what the president wanted to do, we have a constitution, I have constitutional rights. Uh, he can't do that. Um, and it was very clear to me talking to mid-level officials in all of those places, but there was no, there was no support within the U S government to do this outrageous thing. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (11:27) And I think that's an important thing to remember here. Yes, attorney general BARR wrote a very carefully worded statement that, you know, prosecutors should look into irregularities, but then he added a lot of clause saying only if there's really, really a major substantial evidence, which there's not. And then remember, you know, somebody's got to do those investigations, uh, Donald Trump and his, his kids can't do them all. Um, and when people go to do that, you know, it's just gonna, it's going to end with eventually the election, uh, being, uh, sustained. But having said all that, I do want to underscore that the perception that we are a broken democracy, the perception that we are breaking American traditions by the president, not conceding, that's bad for our image, uh, as a democracy bulkier domestically for Trump supporters and internationally, Dana Lewis - Host: (12:28) I mean, Belarus, I want to ask you about Russia as well, but you know, those scenes are so disturbing. I look at them every weekend, these large marches, people being hauled off Mike by the thousands, tens of thousands. Now every weekend, there's a thousand people arrested. We see the videos of people getting beaten in police custody. You know, there's all sorts of tales of torture. The scenes are really disturbing. How will a president Biden handle Luca Shenko in Belarus? And just building off the point that you just made. I mean, it's, it makes it harder right now, doesn't it for America to preach democracy, to Luca Shanko, who, who clearly did steal that election? Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (13:07) Yes, it does make it harder. Um, and most certainly as we have declined as a democracy by the ratings of many different, uh, non-governmental organizations, including freedom house, by the way, an American one, it does make it harder for diplomats and government officials, uh, to talk about doing the right thing when we're not always doing the right thing. I even experienced that as the U S ambassador to Russia years ago. That w what about ism game that I had to play with Russian government officials? Um, I, I do think it'll be different under president Biden and his administration. Um, because number one, he cares about these issues. Trump has never cared. Trump has never made a statement to the best of my knowledge about Belarus, not one single word. Uh, that's already changed, uh, candidate. Biden's already said a lot about Bellaruse. Um, and, uh, you know, I predict, I know most of his, uh, advisors, well, these are people I worked with in the government. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (14:06) They also care. So you're going to see at, at a minimum, at least one more diplomatic engagement on issues like Bella on countries like Belarus. And I would add Armenia and Azerbaijan and Kyrgyzstan and Moldova and Ukraine. Uh, the team that's coming with president Biden knows all of these places, uh, by the way. So does president Biden, there's their problem? I don't think there's a, been a new president with the record of foreign policy experience that, that president, uh, elect Biden has remember, uh, not only was he vice president for eight years and had, uh, was the point person for many foreign policy issues in our administration, including by the way, and Georgia, I traveled to Ukraine and Georgia and Moldova with the vice-president because in the Obama administration, he was the point person for those countries. Obama was a point person for Russia, but he also, well before then he, you know, for decades, he was on the Senate foreign relations committee. So, so this is somebody who comes in with a deep, deep experience. Dana Lewis - Host: (15:14) How will that experience, uh, lend itself towards handling president food? And I mean, it's a very weird and suspicious relationship between Putin and Trump. I mean, Trump, you say he hasn't spoken out on Belarus, he didn't speak out on the boundaries poisoning. Uh, w you know, when all of Europe did, this was the main opposition leader who was poisoned by all indications are by somebody, you know, probably with the nod from the Kremlin, but probably somebody from the FSB or the GRU, but it looks like FSP. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (15:46) Yeah. Trump didn't say anything, a candidate Biden did, by the way, he put out a statement about the poisoning. Um, and I, I, I'm confident in predicting that the, the Biden administration will take these kinds of issues more seriously. Now, it doesn't mean they're going to be able to solve them. I think it's important to understand that when it comes to issues of democracy and human rights and rule of law in powerful, autocracies like Russia and China, uh, the United States does not have a lot of leverage, but at a minimum, uh, they just have to speak truth to power. They have to say the right things, they have to speak out on behalf of universal values. Um, uh, and I think that is right by the way, uh, mr. [inaudible], uh, has already congratulated vice president, uh, elect a president, elect Biden, uh, unlike, uh, president Trump. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (16:40) Uh, so I think you'll, you'll see much more engagement. We used to call it dual track diplomacy, uh, engage with the government on issues of national interest. And I predict that, you know, president Biden will do that with president Putin, uh, but he also engaged directly with, uh, Russian society. Uh, the last trip I took with vice president Biden to Moscow, uh, was in 2011. Uh, we met with then prime minister Putin. We had a pretty tough meeting, but it was an engaged meeting. Uh, and literally an hour later, we were over at [inaudible] house at the ambassador's residence, uh, meeting with, uh, the human rights and opposition figures. Um, you know, because that's, that's was the way that vice vice president Biden wanted to conduct diplomacy while traveling to Russia. Dana Lewis - Host: (17:26) Let me spend through a couple of things, because I know we don't have a lot of time, but start, this is the 3d for verification, a nuclear arms control, and a set to expire. Uh, what, what, what does president Biden, what will a president Biden do? Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (17:40) Well, he'll extend it for sure. Uh, I, I hope I'm cautiously hopeful that as one of his last things, cause he hasn't done many cooperative things with Putin and Trump might extend it because there'll be a lot easier. Uh, then there'll be less criticism of it if a Republican does it. If, if president Biden has to do it, you'll hear all sorts of ranker from Republican senators, but this is a no brainer. I, you know, I worked on the start treaty as part of the negotiation team. Um, you know, this is not a gift to Russia. This is a gift to the United States of America. I used to always say, Ronald Reagan used to say trust, but verify when doing arms control, uh, with the Soviet union, when I was in the government, I would say don't trust only verify. Um, and what the new start treaty does first and foremost is provide an expections regime for us to have greater fidelity about knowing what the Russians are doing with their nuclear arsenal. So I think you'll do this in a heartbeat, provided that the Russians don't try to, to, to, to prolong it by trying to squeeze in some constraints on missile defense or something like that. Dana Lewis - Host: (18:47) Turkey, are you worried about Turkey is a NATO country. It's about S four hundreds from Russia. Um, it's, it's not really been seen to be a great natal player with Greece in the Mediterranean, uh, president air to want to just whipped up Muslims, uh, sentiments against France and, and, and, uh, I mean, against president Macron in France, are you worried that Turkey is a growing problem? Do you think the president Biden will have to deal with that and what would be his position? Because I know he was very much in favor of staying in Syria, I think, and working with the Kurds who were our American allies at the time. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (19:20) Dan, I actually think you've just raised the sleeper question that not much of Washington is talking about, but I actually think it will be one of the biggest challenges for the Biden administration and early on, uh, we've had a very complicated relationship with Turkey for decades in the NATO Alliance. Uh, there were periods of early optimism in the early years of the air Taiwan's election and the notion that you could have a, you know, democracy there and a Muslim majority country that has not turned out well. And now you see his independent foreign policy at odds with the United States, you know, on the list that you just mentioned, but I would also add Nagorno-Karabakh, uh, where, uh, you know, he is now been cooperating with Putin in ways that I don't think are in the interests of the United States. And most certainly are not in the interest of Armenia. Um, and we, you know, I don't have a silver bullet for how to deal with that problem, but it is a really complicated issue. Again, the good news is I know some of the people around, uh, the president elect Biden, who've worked on Turkey for many, many years. Uh, Tony Blinken is somebody that comes to mind that knows Turkey well, uh, but how to manage that and how, you know, this is a crisis waiting to blow up. Uh, I hope they get ahead of it right away. Right. Dana Lewis - Host: (20:43) I have your whole report card that I've read through and, you know, it was great to read it North Korea. You really feel that, uh, Trump's approach failed miserably. And where do we go from there? Syria, the Iranian nuclear deal, the Israeli Palestinian conflict, China, you take your pick . I mean, what do you think if you think Turkey is, is one of the headlines in foreign policy? What do you think the next big is? Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (21:09) Well, uh, Turkey is the sleeper problem that I don't think gets enough attention that could be catastrophic, right. Um, in the category of, of must do very early. Um, I do think first and foremost, we have to restore, uh, the NATO Alliance and trust with our partners, uh, democratic partners. I think that'll be the, the, you know, there's going to be an easy sugar high right in the beginning, once Biden is there because everybody knows Biden. And, you know, if he walks into any meeting in Europe, you know, in a Brussels meeting, he'll get a standing ovation. Uh, they love him there. Uh, the harder part will be, you know, what are we going to do cooperatively to contain Russia and to deal with China. And then that will get a lot harder. But I think you have to start with reuniting with our allies democracies in Europe. First second, doing the same in Asia. You know, our allies in Asia have been really struggling to figure out how to deal with the Trump administration. They need to be shored up. They need to be reassured. Um, and then, yeah, Dana Lewis - Host: (22:15) Well, president Biden will president Biden be just as supportive of Taiwan as the Republicans. Where do you think? Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (22:22) I hope so. I B I, you know, my own view on Taiwan is, uh, peace through strength. Uh, this is, this is Berlin 1948, right? This is where, uh, if we do not show a credible commitment, it could lead to even worse outcomes. Um, again, I'm not speaking for the Biden administration, that's just my personal view. Um, and I think that's good for China too, by the way, I do not think it's in China's, long-term interests to, to, to stumble into a, a war in Taiwan, you know, that could be there, Afghanistan for the Soviet union, the China, China today reminds me a lot of, of the Soviet union in the seventies. You know, feeling very bold and ambitious and aggressive foreign policy. Uh, and yet I believe there's a lot of drama ahead, uh, for China domestically. Um, and as we know from the Soviet experience, they all like to focus on the mistakes that Gorbachev made. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (23:19) I go to China very frequently these days. Uh, I think they need to focus on the mistakes that Brezhnev made when he stopped focusing on domestic structural issues at home and had this belligerent foreign policy abroad. That was a recipe for disaster for them. Uh, and I hope we can help them to prevent that, uh, with respect to Taiwan, but you raised what I was just gonna say, getting the China bilateral relationship, uh, in a firmer, more stable footing with w which will be elements of containment and engagement, I think is, you know, that's the paramount foreign policy issue for presidents, you know, for the rest of the century, but it's also needs to be at the top of the list, uh, for Biden in his inbox. And then there's one longer structural one that I think is not only important for the planet, but it's also important for his voters. And, you know, in my Washington post piece, giving grades, it was at the top of the list and that's climate change, um, you know, Dana Lewis - Host: (24:22) Press you on that right away, because we all know that he's going to go back and sign the Paris Accords. And he has a big spending plan on green energy in America and getting it down to, is it going to go down to zero emissions? What's the goal? Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (24:36) Well, uh, I don't know. I mean, he'll join Paris, uh, right away. That'll be easy. Uh, but you know, there are many people in this country, including millions of voted for him, including me, uh, that think Paris is not enough. Uh, and it is, uh, you know, we are in a very desperate moment right now and whether or not he has the, uh, the political, uh, capacity to do the more bowl, uh, bolder things. I'm not sure to be honest, I think that that's a heavy lift, uh, but, but what, whatever is within his executive purview to do more, uh, he really needs to do that. Not only for the planet, but for his own constituents here in the United States. Mike, Dana Lewis - Host: (25:20) What's your role going to be in the new administration? Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (25:25) Uh, probably, uh, you know, uh, giving advice to my friends from Stanford university, um, uh, in all seriousness, you know, I loved working in the government. Uh, I loved working with the Biden team, uh, lots of friends of mine. I'm sure we'll have a new jobs in the administration, uh, for myself, uh, just to be really blunt. There are very few jobs available at the top, uh, that would it be of interest to me and hundreds of really qualified people vying for this position. So I think it's, it's unlikely that I'll go into the government. Um, uh, but I look forward to helping that new government, any ways I can and if the opportunity arises, uh, I'll, I'll take it Dana Lewis - Host: (26:07) Well. They need good people like you, Mike, thank you so much for your time. Uh, Mike McFaul from Stanford. It's an honor to talk to you. Mike McFaul/Stanford Uni.: (26:13) Thank you. Thanks for having me. That was great. Speaker 2: (26:21) That's our backstory on Biden's foreign policy. So much more to talk about Biden. Isn't new to international affairs like Trump was, he traveled the world as a vice-president European allies are already breathing a sigh of relief that a more liberal pro democracy reasoned and balanced leader will be in the white house. America is coming back as a world leader and a trusted ally with a doctrine of truth in fundamental democratic principles. Not always, but often by many accounts. Trump wasn't big on any of that. I'm Dana Lewis, please subscribe to backstory. Thanks for listening. And I'll talk to you against again, Speaker 5: (27:02) [inaudible].

#backstory @mcfaul @mikemcfaul @stanford biden taiwan turkey china russia @danalewis @danaslewis

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pickyperkypenguin · 6 years

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I would say I can't believe I'm writing this, but I guess this is what that year – or the last couple of months of this year – is about. Change, I mean. I don't usually -- I find myself either completely uninterested or too hipster slash pretentious to do the traditional activities of the year-end, which are the reflection over what has happened and the New Year's Resolutions.

Loads of bullshit, I like to call them. Not without a reason, I believe (insert here the usual: the insincerity, the short lived enthusiasm, the flash in the pan results).

The other reasons why I don't really do it, is because I am – was – usually far too bitter to make anything of my reflections over the year, besides going into that lovely spiral of despair and sad, sad thoughts that you cannot really do anything about, just stop thinking them for a moment. I'm not saying I'm not bitter this year. I'm just trying not to be as much as traditionally. Avangarde of positivity and effort, I could say.

Effort is the name of this year and of the year before, a bit, but this one is more of an aftermath. I made an effort, for example, to go to a therapist. I was thinking about doing that for the last, well, at least eight years, if not more. I count that as a win.

This whole 'trying to find things that were not entirely awful and, daresay, a progress' thing I am doing right now is actually partially the result of that period of almost two months of meetings. I can't say I am better, but I feel like I'm working on something, and that this work may have some real impact on the quality of my life. It's not a magic cure, I knew that before I went there, but lots of us people have this tiniest spark of 'what if there'd be a magic cure for all my ills', and I am no different. It's just like buying a yoga studio carnet and hoping for getting some muscles. Well, that will happen if you only stick to going for classes and not just show up at the doors. So I am trying to do that, treat the therapy as something that is a tool I need to use, not a drug to take to make myself better.

So, the therapy. One progress point.

My therapist is making me think on things I have thought, but advising to try not to just go off the leash like I usually do, and blame myself for everything that there is to blame, and expose+exxagerate every tiniest mistake I have made. She has given me some terms that I did not think of using in my own context before. Some of them tougher than the others, but all of them I'm willing to think over. Depriving oneself of boundaries. Self-directed anger. Concentration on the self in the negative sense, not seeing the good. Things I have framed in a different way, and now trying to put like that. It's a challenge. It's one I'm willing to take.

I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of challenges, I don't wager, I don't bet on things. I'm keeping an eye on everything – a perimeter check, basically – when I'm standing outside a bar with my friend on a smoke. I'm measuring words to an extent when I write on Facebook or anywhere I could be found on under my real name. (I'm not exactly paranoid about the Internet, it's more of a written thing over-vigilance. Like the conversation, for some reason, a spoken word, is safer, i.e. easier to twist around, than a written word. Written word is hard or sometimes unbearable for me. Right now it's only hard.) I am concealing a lot of my world views. People think I am standing very firmly behind them. They are right, those I chose to show I am emphatically definite about. They also have no idea how little of them is visible to the eye, and how much I am choosing to bend myself to a larger picture. It's a good facade, because I am outspoken and can be abrasive, it's easy to hide behind that.

I don't feel safe.

I am bitter and I feel very hopeless about most things.

The fact that I am trying to dare to think of changing that, is an enormous achievement for me.

I hope I will be able to recognise my achievements and progresses and to see them in their right size next to my mistakes and wrongdoings. That I will be able to not automatically go to my old ways of thinking all the time. Oh of course I will be relapsing all the time. It's just that I am hoping – hoping, gods, how was I able to write that – to be resilient. To pick up myself after I fall, over and over again. Maybe even to try not to be so afraid sometimes, or, as goes Maggie Stiefvater's advice, be afraid and do it anyway.

The next months are going to be very trying for me. I will have to finish my masters thesis and then decide what to do next, and if I will pick the doctorate option, then think of how to shape that up. It's going to be gruesome and harrowing, but I just want to hope that I will not only survive, but I will gain something from this.

I know I can survive. I have done that many times in many different settings, going through different life stuations. The thing is, at what cost. I don't really want the repeats of that costs. I want to try to take something from life, instead of solely enduring it till I reach my end.

I have been beaten up a bit last year, with being immobilised by pain in my leg and the necessity of the spine surgery because of that, with going to Prague to live alone-ish, in a dorm with one other person in the room (which was the exact opposite of my everyday living situation, I have my own room in my parents flat), with that surgery being at the end of the last semester of my bachelor degree and taking toll on me when I was supposed to concentrate on writing the thesis and defending it, with many other situations that have had an impact on my overall wellbeing. It was tough. Maybe for somebody else it wouldn't be, but for me it was, and I felt all that. I have survived, and I did all things well as I was supposed to, but here inside what it has left – that is a whole different story. And it's an add up to the previous experiences and years that has had shaped me.

So, as I'm saying, 2017 is just an aftermath. The surgery I had in May 2016. Should be enough time to recover, right?

Not exactly.

It's slow, but it is happening. The progress, I mean. I can find it in a sentence I have spoken a couple of times during the last few years: “I am awful, but I prefer myself-now much more than myself from those [x] years ago”. I hope I will be able to find that progress during the 2018 in other things than that, too.

And it doesn’t have to happen, too. I hope I can stop trying to frame things as finished (and despairing over how the results are not satisfying, if this is the end), and instead of this to see them as ongoing projects that may be summarised at some point, and then continue on, and be summarised as many times as is needed.

For 2018, an ongoing project. And for all of you, best wishes from me, folks.

youtube

(gotta break the spell on this song too. has haunted me for too long.)

#whatever life #i know my english may be lacking here and there on this post #but i have not proofread it #and - honestly? - comparing to my english three years ago it's infinitely better

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lucky13-452 · 4 years

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After Darkness Falls

by May Sage

After Darkness Falls #1

Urban Fantasy | Paranormal Romance | Academy

They’ve exterminated an entire bloodline, purging the world of the only creatures vampires dread. Or so they think. Chloe used to study hard, do everything right to pave a bright future, but children sometimes have to pay for their parents’ sins, and Chloe’s tab is pretty steep. At twenty-six, when a series of attacks forces her to seek refuge in the notorious Institute of Paranormal Studies, Chloe sees it as a second chance to achieve her goals. She believes she has nothing to lose. She couldn’t be more mistaken. Levi has had centuries to observe the mortals and immortals of this world. He knows what the sassy woman who entered his domain is at first glance. A relic of the old days, so ancient that even an elder lord descended from the first immortals has reason to fear her. He should slit her throat while he has the chance. He should. After Darkness Falls is a series of standalone paranormal romance novels.

Goodreads

I haven't read to many vampire books, I don't know why but they haven't come up often for me. Now the vampire trend is back and I am excited to find new books but there was one book that I have been debating on for almost a year and I decided to finally dive into After Darkness Falls before I tackle any other vampire books and I am so glad I did, this book was amazing.

This is my first book by May Sage and I didn't know what to expect but she did not disappoint. In this world, supernaturals are known and while they mostly keep their business separate from humans and they go about their business. There are shifters, vampires, witches, and pretty much any other supernatural you can think of most immortal and all pretty powerful.

The main character, Chloe, is a mortal who works at a vampire bar, and after being attacked one she is then whisked off to a university for the supernatural for safety. Chloe has endured a lot of things but is a good person, making it one day at a time. She is willing to give everyone a chance, is really smart, and wants to learn everything she can about the supernatural. My favorite thing about Chloe is that she is resilient, she could have let her past drag her down, turn her into an entirely different person but she didn't.

Like many readers, I love an academy setting and a supernatural one is even better. The university is like a normal university in every way with the exception that most of its students are supernatural and supernatural courses are part of the normal curriculum. I would have loved to attend but there is no way I would have survived all that went bump in the night there.

The mythology was good, the origin story was very unique but the overall story had that familiar comfort of a good vampire story. I love the tale of how vampires came into existence and what happened that lead up to the present point. The story was amazing and I loved it very much felt like a college setting, getting to know people, discovering things about yourself and learning new things.

There were a couple of characters that made a bigger impression, one is Levi the ancient immortal who is powerful intelligent and complicated, Jack who is a little tougher and nicer than expected and Cat who is not at all what I thought she was. I loved all these characters and more.

After Darkness Falls is the first book in the series and each book after that follows a couple of different characters that readers are introduced to in this book, I am looking forward to reading more about the characters I love. I have no idea if the overall story arc is going to continue but I have a few unanswered questions that I would love to be answered. I also hope I get to see all the characters from this book throughout the series.

Overall 4.5 stars

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thejudgementalmom · 4 years

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As I’ve mentioned in my blog before, I grew up in a broken home. Quite honestly, both my parents broke my heart as a child is many ways. And although that all has made me strive harder than anything to be the best person I can be, and resilient to many things – that’s not an ideal way to build resilience, nor should it and can it ever excuse what I went through. I became that way because I was running. I was determined to never have to depend on them ever again. I’ve shared many minor difficulties from growing up, but never the true devastating and traumatic events I went through.

However, one thing that I frequently think about, despite the mostly-healed wounds, is the father daughter relationship I longed for. Even the mother daughter relationship that I needed still partially hurts to this day, but I was at least more easily able to be my own mother. But it hurt. It hurt to be 14 with a broken heart whispering to yourself ‘its going to be okay baby, I got you, I got you.’ To have to visualize the older version of yourself coming to hold you, help you, save you.

That’s why I became who I am today, I was the only person I could rely on.

I got into fitness, the tougher I was, the tougher I felt. I would hit the gym pumping iron everyday. I needed to be an intimidation factor to every man I encountered. Not because I hate them in the slightest, but because I wanted to feel in control. I pursued wrestling in highschool to express some dominence and control and emotion. I worked in an autoshop on and off through highschool, and went to college later for a machinist.

Being the tomboy I was, I had a lot of guy friends. In my head I would combined their personalities to make each and every one of them some sort of role model in my life. At one point when during high school, I nominated one of my best guy friends the title of being like my brother. I made him in charge of deciding whether or not a guy was appropriate for me to date or sleep with. That’s how desperate I was to have a father figure, a real father, in my life. One that I had a bond with. So yes, I found some sort of family-relation-type resemblance in any male I became friends with.

Unfortunately, I still ended up looking for attention from anyone who would give it to me. I could convince myself that I like any guy that would give me the time of day. That if I was treated poorly in a relationship that that was just part of a relationship, because that was part of the relationship with my parents. It was normal for me. I didn’t have anyone to have any say in who I dated… if someone did have something to say, it was my mother. And I hated anything she ever had to say about anything. Her perspective on life was and is very upside down the majority of the time. Combine that with a complete and entire lack of a real bond with her and feeling of being cared about, and I wouldn’t even give what she had to say a time of day to think about

When I was 17 I had had enough of dealing with father - and mother - so I ended up moving in with one of my other best guy friends who was also like a brother to me. His family partially adopted me. Partially being that it wasn’t legal or anything of the sort, but that they took me in and treated me like I was one of their own. To this day considered them My adoptive family. And although my so-called adoptive father is a wonderful man that I can talk to anyting about, this void from my real father forever follows me around.

It all made me cold inside, and needy for attention. It was part of what started my anxiety, always feeling like a burden to people. Being trapped in a place of ‘I can do it myself’ and ‘I need you, don’t leave me’. It was part of what made me depressed.

I had even made one last attempt to reconnect with my biological father when I got engaged years ago. We met for lunch. I told him I wanted to wipe the Slate clean, forget about everything and move forward. For both of us. His response was ‘I don’t really like you right now’.

He wasn’t too keen on loving me the way a father should love his daughter. It wasn’t until he met my fiance at the time, now my husband, and learned that he was an electrician and had a good life and a good future, that my biological father expressed any concern for wanting to be part of my life again. So I closed that door and I never talked to him again. Although I didn’t have much hope going into that lunch, there was just enough hope that although it did not hit me immediately, it resonated with me overtime and festered.

Now that I am a grown adult, a liscenced trades woman, a homeowner, and a mother, there’s so many moments and things I wanted to share with my parents if I had had a loving, caring, understanding bond with them.

Instead, every shop I’ve worked and made friends at, I just end up giving them a family title in my head. For example, one guy is like my work father, another guy is like an uncle, another is like a brother. All of this was one-sided though, and temporary. It was to just make me feel like I was part of something. I always feel like the Lone Wolf. I just wanted a father-daughter relationship. One of the last jobs I worked at, my supervisor and I were very close in terms of friendship. He was just easy to talk to, joke around with, be honest with, express emotion with. Nothing remotely in the sexual nature. He had told me that he had never had kids but a part of him always wanted them. He had told me, he too had a very traumatic experience with his own father - his biological father, and that he no longer talks to him either. He understands the pain that that leaves in a child. Naturally he became another father figure to me, but not so temporary.

In fact, to this day I consider him like a father to me even though I don’t work at that shop anymore. He has helped me immensely through my struggles, as has My adoptive family. Both of them being there whenever I was in a hard place. My so-called work father and adoptive father both were upgraded to grandparent titles when I had a baby with my husband. Both of them I introduced to my child as his grandparents.

So needless to say I have found a concoction of made-up family members and many people and many men. My adoptive father was the one to walk me down the aisle when I got married. That was an amazing feeling, it was the closest thing I ever experienced to the bond I’ve saught for.

Despite all my random pieces of Father Like figures in my life I still am in progress of working on trying to close the void. Trying to convince myself that it is enough. Trying to convince myself to stop looking for father figures to make up for the one I don’t have

I mean, any man I work with or I’m around who gets to know me often takes a liking to me. How can I convince any man to treat me almost as if I am their stepdaughter, or to like me in any way, but I can’t even convince my own father to?

Do you see the damage not having a father does to a child?

Now don’t get me wrong, 7/8 of me is a big load of fuck you fuck him and a whole basket of fucks to go with it. But it’s like someone died for me. I’ll be fine most of the time but every now and then this minuscule thought will pop into my head and I won’t be able to stop circulating it. To actually drop it and move on because I despise the feeling. And again I’m a big load of fuck you.

Verdict of my story is, parents need to show up. They NEED to meet the emotional needs of their children. They NEED to be empathetic, understanding, and compassionate.

Otherwise they leave their children with a lifetime worth of struggles. We are not military robots; We are humans.

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cummunication · 6 years

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The before and after of Trauma

If my life were a movie, it’d be a film where you’re brought past to present, switching between the two. 2017 is coming to an end and it was a transformative year with extraordinary breakthroughs. I’m ending on a high note, and for the first time in a long time I’ll admit, there’s not much I would change in my life. It started with a budding romance; I began dating someone from my job and we were together from January till May. Although this relationship had some triggering and conflictual moments for the both of us, I walked away with additional knowledge. Relationships help you mature, and I don’t regret any of mine since they’ve aided me in being more resilient. This year I realized not all love has to end in tragedy. I dated more this year than ever before and this is beneficial. I used to avoid dating & people in general because I felt weary of allowing anyone to get close to me. I was convinced I couldn’t get hurt if I built a high enough wall. Nothing transpired from these dates, nonetheless, it’s vital to put ourselves out there and face our fears. If we stay in our comfort zone, we prevent ourselves from reaching our fullest potential. Dating builds character so you recognize what you will and won’t accept. It also helps to come to terms with the fact there’s many fish in the sea… some are sharks while others are dolphins, you just need to find the right ones. You can try & protect yourself from heartbreak by isolating and forbidding love, yet this only makes your heart grow cold and numb. People do this because they are terrified of rejection [I would know] however when we do this we reject not only the bad but also the good. This year I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. This was unplanned and not called for. Although it took me about a year to try and move on, when I saw him randomly in June, I realized I never genuinely let go, and I wasn’t over it at all. Yes, the month or two we dated again was re-traumatizing, still, I trust the universe made our paths cross for a reason. Some may say closure; others are convinced I was just weak. Loving him was like driving lost in the dark without headlights. When you are away from a person you love for an extended period of time, you begin to miss the person you wished they were… you grieve the loss of what could’ve been. You idealize them in your mind and put them on a pedestal they may not deserve. It’s less painful to remember the tragic times & easier to imagine the good, no matter how few. It took me getting back together with him to see how much progress I’d made in the last year without him. The year without him I felt so alone, but I never felt as lonely as when we were together. Love can sweep you off your feet & before you know it, you have all the wind knocked out of you. A large portion of this year was spent depressed and enveloped in my eating disorder. Even though depression sucks to put it lightly, I know I wouldn’t be where I am currently without having experienced such lows. Currently, my depression is in remission as well as my eating disorder. I still have setbacks of course, but I’ve developed the tools to get my shit together a lot quicker. I’m a firm believer of people, places or things entering your life for a reason, to teach you a lesson or to be a guide to help you blossom. We might not see it at the time, and it’s hard to feel gratitude when we are drowning in our sorrows. It’s easy to thank God and love life when things go our way; on the contrary, it’s not as simple when things keep going wrong. We say “why me?” and doubt Gods existence because if there was a God, this wouldn’t happen right? I believed this for a while too. When I look back on my 23 years of life, it’s challenging to not view it from a “before and after” point of view. I can’t remember who I was before 21 years old. I remember things that happened; many events I wished hadn’t occurred. I used to be trusting, naive and wore my heart on my sleeve. Part of me is sad when I dwell on the innocence lost, while another is thankful. Today my mom stated I am “emotionally scarred” from the last two years. I’ve known this for a while but it’s worth mentioning; we all have scars. Some are physical & some invisible. In my experience, the internal scars have been tougher to heal than the external. Something I learned this year is that everyone has their own pace of healing, and you can’t compare your healing journey to someone else’s. Last night I was asked “what did you see in your ex?” It would’ve been faster to blow off this question, to ignore it or proclaim “I don’t know, I was young & dumb and he was a jerk” Blaming others is the easy way out. Truthfully, I don’t blame my ex for anything, even when he had no problem blaming me for everything. I hold him responsible for his actions but I also take responsibility for my role in our dysfunction. When I was together with him (for simplicity, I’ll call him Jackson here on out) I became who he wanted me to be. Often I want to bury this side of me, erase the memories of my past. It makes me feel ashamed that I let someone treat me so poorly; he treated me like nothing so I became nobody. Nevertheless, that part of me is still inside; I realized that a few months ago. We all have a side of us we hide; that is small and frightened and craves love and acceptance. We must make peace with this side of ourselves, acknowledging the wounded child within us, he or she carries the weight of the stories we tell ourselves; that the way people treat us is equivalent to our value as a person. When we quit feeding ourselves these lies, and wake up to the idea that we don’t need others approval to be worthy of love, we have a shot at self-love. Jackson and I demanded too much of each other. He wanted to control me and have complete power, and I wanted him to fill the ache inside. He used me and I guess you could say I used him too, but for different reasons. When you feel as if you no longer have a say in relationship, it’s impossible to flourish. Jackson’s rancidity spread through me like an infection; but I was willing to grin and bear it in exchange for [a false sense of] belonging. Before 2015, I was coy, always pleasant, afraid to rock the boat. I wish I could say I’m a badass who gives no fucks but who are we kidding? I’m aware change takes time. Lifelong habits don’t disappear overnight. A people pleaser inside me still lives. I continue ignoring my needs and accommodate from time to time… but not nearly as much. We are convinced if we set boundaries or aren’t a doormat maybe somebody wont love us or they’ll leave. If your opinion doesn’t matter to your significant other, it’s a blessing if they leave, trust me. There’s a quote that says something along the lines of “we don’t know a person until we don’t give them their way.” Real love is not conditional. Now, I make my desires top priority in my life & the person I look to please most is me. This year, I began to find my voice; a voice that had been taken from me and unfortunately lost. I see how you can still be assertive and a kind person. In fact, you are more capable of loving if you are willing to communicate your limits and be authentic. One of the biggest takeaways from this last year is no longer identifying as having PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I do not deny PTSD being one of the worst things I’ve underwent in life. Today, I identify more with PTG (post traumatic growth). I thought my heartbreak would kill me. Some days, I wished it would since I was in so much agony. My biggest fear is loss, abandonment, the feeling of grief [this could be linked to the loss of my father]. I used to say “I would never get back with Jackson since I can’t handle losing him again” Obviously, I doubted my strength. Either way, I did lose him, twice. My worst nightmare at the time, manifested and I still survived. I trust if I can survive that, I can survive anything. Falling in love is scary shit. We hesitate to be vulnerable because it’s like we’re on a plane while your lover is the pilot. They maneuver how high we fly and if we go up in smoke. It doesn’t have to be like that though. Last night, I was on my way somewhere and I felt butterflies. It was unbelievable and simultaneously, horrifying. I hadn’t felt that way in quite a while and frankly, I didn’t wish to. But I know feelings, like anything else in life are temporary and thank god! Instead of panicking that it won’t work out, I can relax knowing “rejection is God’s protection.” Cliché, but true. I’m ending this year knowing my worth; practicing trusting my beautiful intuition which I frequently ignored. My instinct is my friend and I will not turn my back on her anymore. I advise you do the same. Others can try and tell you what’s good for you or what’s not, but you already know the answer if you listen to the voice inside. From the outside, I see my life as before and after yet I also understand my circumstances and past do not define me. We can choose to change our story, thereby changing our life. Or we can choose to own our stories, and own our lives. Either way, the choice is ours

#metoo #me too campaign #me too movement #trauma #trauma survivors #domesticviolencesurvivor #dvsurvivor #abusesurvivor #blog #blogger

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acuppellarp · 5 years

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Welcome (back!) to A Cup-pella, Aly! We’re excited to have you and Amber Montgomery in the game! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Aly + She/Her. Age: 27. Timezone: GMT. Ships: Amber/Chemistry. Anti-Ships: Amber/Forced.

IC INFO

Full Name: Amber Louise Montgomery. Face Claim: Brittany Snow. Age/Birthday: 27/September 19, 1991. Occupation: Music Teacher (Pre-K through 3rd). Personality: Deflective, Driven, Guarded, Motivated, Secretive, Tolerant, Understanding. Hometown: Charlotte, North Carolina. Bio:

Amber’s story is genuinely boring, so much so that at some point, during one of her many, many dates that never actually lead anywhere but she humors them regardless, she decided to start throwing in twists and turns. Smooth sailing is never a bad thing, of course, but there’s just nothing interesting about the only child from an upper-middle class family in North Carolina, moving across the country to make it as something, anything, in the big city. If you ask Amber, the move she made was for excitement and adventure, and maybe to give her an excuse to experience an actual winter at some point… Whatever the reason, Amber is currently in New York City, where she has been for the last four years, and it just might be the most riveting thing anybody in her chipper, strikingly suburban family has ever done.

Naturally, Amber had a very happy childhood. With no other siblings, her parents were free to spoil her, and although she never really looks back on it as them doing so, there was never anything Amber wanted that they refused her. Her father, a respected member of the medical community, would bring home gifts for her for absolutely no reason at all – just because it was a Thursday. Her mom, a part-time midwife and full-time hands on member of their Charlotte community, was always the first to scrawl her name on any signup sheet, and could be seen sitting front row, camera in hand, at any and every one of Amber’s performances. Christmas pageants, church choir, etc. You name it, Carolyn Montgomery was right there, front and center, being the doting, supportive mother.

So much love and affection may have spoiled Amber much deeper than all of the material possessions her parents threw at her, though she never truly realized until she attended college. Everyone in her grade school had gone on to the same high school together, their hierarchy and harmony perpetually intact. Amber sat somewhere around the top of the social pyramid, but considered herself a friend to all. What she never realized was that everything had been handed to her back home. Everything. Popularity included – even unknowingly, the school-aged children in the community were judging one another based on family. Amber didn’t have that in college, though. She had no one, and it was the first time ever that she’d experienced how it felt to truly be alone.

Quickly, of course, Amber made friends, but it was never the same for her as it was back in North Carolina. Maybe people in Georgia were just tougher or something, but Amber learned quickly that a thick skin and a need for resilience were an absolute must. Especially upon joining a sorority. Her mom had told her all about sisterhood, how immeasurable it was. Amber had rushed as soon as she was able, and although she did make some good friends for life, and even embarked on her first long-term relationship (Amber was the other woman… it kind of messed her up actually, but she’ll leave that part out when telling the story), many of the girls wouldn’t know “sisterhood” if it bit them on the nose. They were bitchy, and they made no allowances for pretty little blondes who had been spoon-fed by mommy and daddy. Amber wouldn’t change the experience, however; she thanks it for giving her the lady-balls to up and move to New York after graduation. She’s sure without the life lessons she learned in college, she would’ve never had the nerve.

Despite pursuing a degree, Amber didn’t actually know what she wanted to do at first. She’d always been gifted musically, able to sing like an angel, and skilled with various different instruments. She toyed with the idea of joining or even starting a band, or maybe going solo someday. But Amber was bred from a specific mold, one that didn’t push the boundaries – it’d been a shock to her family when she’d gone as far as freaking Georgia, after all – so she begun to delve into different options and ideas. She didn’t hate the idea of midwifery, like her mom. Amber had always adored babies, and despite not exactly wanting one of her own, she did like the idea of helping them while still in the womb. She couldn’t very well combine her love for music with a career as a midwife, though. What was she going to do, sing them down the birth canal?

Teaching had been something suggested by a careers advisor, and the more she thought about it, the more it suited her. She could combine her love for children with her love for singing, and she could teach music. It helped a lot that Amber had that kind of gentle nature, the one that would surely make her a hit with any kids that may be placed in her classes, but that her life in college, among the bitches and the fakes that she’d never really noticed beforehand, had helped her to develop a thicker skin, so she wouldn’t be a total pushover. It was eventually decided that that was the path she’d follow, and after scoping out jobs following graduation, then taking a required subject skills assessment once in New York, Amber landed her first job. It was teaching music lessons to Pre-K, which may not have been the position she’d envisioned, but she enjoyed it regardless.

Outside of work, Amber found that she was kind of on her own in the city. Which was fine; she’d been out on her own before, so she knew she could do it. In spite of the cost of living in the city, and the fact that she was living on a teacher’s salary, she didn’t actually need to find a place with roommates. Twenties or not, her parents were still happy to pump money into her account, though that wasn’t something Amber really wanted. Did she stop them? No. But she wanted to be out on her own, making her own way in life. And the roommates thing? That was to help with the loneliness.

Amber has now been in the city for four years, and working her current job for three. She progressed from only teaching Pre-K to teaching right up to the third grade, and while she adores the younger children, she has to admit, she finds the older age range a little bit more fulfilling – they at least seem engaged in what she’s teaching them, and they’re singing a little bit higher a level than songs about farmyard animals. She also feels much less lonely now, having been living in an apartment with roommates for a decent amount of time, and has even opened herself up to dating again. Of course, none of her dates ever actually go anywhere, mostly because she doesn’t let them, but Amber likes the social aspect of it all regardless. It’s like she’s truly settled into her not-so-new home at this point, which is a feat in and of itself for the little blonde-now-bottle-ginger girl from an upper-middle class family in North Carolina; there’s no silver spoon left in sight.

Pets: Amber has two cats named Berlioz and Toulouse. They’re three year old brother, and very docile creatures who generally keep to themselves. They get along well with other animals – after a couple days of being standoffish and scoping out the situation, of course. If anyone offers them food, they’ll take it, and said food-giver will become their friend for life. Relationships: Roommate to Rachel & Dani.

EXTRA INFO

[ This is for the masterlist, but also a fun little way to get to know your character! ]

Amber Montgomery/@ambermontgomery/description: If you like 90s pop and bad puns, you’re in the right place.

Five latest tweets:

@ambermontgomery: Am I allowed to be excited about the ginger emojis? #bottleginger @ambermontgomery: Dedication is spending an entire day binge watching #You from beginning to end and being disappointed that there’s no more. Where’s season 2?? @ambermontgomery: The amount of winter clothing I now own is both comical and embarrassing… #GrowingUpInTheSouth @ambermontgomery: Unconditional love is when you’re dying to pee but staying firmly put because there are two sleeping fur balls on your stomach. @ambermontgomery: ^^ Their placement is not helping with the aforementioned need-to-pee situation.

#accepted

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