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buckyownsmylife · 3 years

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Count the Shadows - Bucky Barnes smut

The one where Bucky wants you to sit on his face.

Warnings: smut, a more dominant reader than I’m used to writing, pining!Bucky, all of the good stuff, second hand embarassment

A/N: so... this is a gift to @navegandoaciegas. She gave me the idea for the Graveyard series ending, and that actually inspired me to keep working on that fic that was supposed to only be a oneshot and then became the pride of my eye. I hope you don’t mind that I’m dedicating this to her 😅 It also allowed me to explore some new kinks that might be appearing thanks to her writing and so really, I felt like this had to see the light of day. But really, if it weren’t for @world-of-aus, @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog and @awesomerextyphoon‘s support, I probably never would have had the courage to publish it, so thank you guys so much!

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Friday nights at Stark tower meant that something out of the ordinary was about to happen, and I’d already grown used to it, after being a part of the Avengers for the last two months. However, that didn’t mean that the prospect of a night planned by Tony Stark didn’t bring me a hell of a lot of anxiety, to the point where sometimes I’d catch myself wishing for a simple recon mission to take me away for the weekend.

Despite all of my fears and discomfort, I’d been lucky so far. Not once had his attentions turned towards me, and he never even so much as called me to dance with him during one of the raves he liked to organize, so I was able to slip by unnoticed, seizing the opportunity to drink the good (expensive) booze and talk to my friends before retiring for the night.

By Wednesday that week, it was clear that the same couldn’t be said about the next event he’d be hosting.

“Say, Y/L/N, have I thrown you a welcome party?” Was my rude awakening on that fateful morning. Until his arrival, I’d been happily whipping up some pancakes for the supersoldiers and Sam, my morning run partners. The moment his question was processed in my brain however, I froze on my spot, looking up at him with wide eyes. “Oh, now, don’t give me that look. When have I ever thrown a bad party?”

Bucky choked on his coffee, and I immediately was by his side, lightly tapping his back to help him. “I guess this answers your question,” I joked, but with a serious face. Unfortunately, Tony simply rolled his eyes, too used to Bucky and I’s “antisocial behavior”, like he usually described, to give us any attention. “Okay, so maybe not bad, but if you’re going to throw a party using me as an excuse, I have at least one request. And it’s a dealbreaker for me.”

Something in my words truly interested Tony, because instead of brushing me off he actually turned to face me, raising his eyebrows in expectation. “So what you mean is that if I don’t give you what you want, you won’t join the party?”

I nodded, standing my ground. “That’s right.” Next to me, Bucky stood straighter in his chair.

“Neither will I.” That brought a smile to my lips, and I turned to hug him quickly.

“Thanks Buck,” I whispered in his ear, relishing in the way he always held onto my embrace just a second longer than I expected. It was always like this with us. Ever since I first noticed just how touch-starved the super soldier was, I’d find little excuses to touch him. And if I ever doubted my first assumption, the way he always chased away my warmth for just a second longer was enough to prove to me that I was doing something right.

“Very well,” Tony said after clearing his throat to regain my attention. “What’s your request?”

“Only the people who live in this tower can be invited.” I was expecting a lot of fuss from the billionaire, but surprisingly, all I got was a disappointed sigh.

“Figured as much. Okay, big shot. But here’s the deal: you’ll have to stay the entire night and participate in every game we decide to play.” I shrugged, taking a sip of my coffee. That sounded fair. “It’s a deal then! All you have to do is be here on Friday night, capisce? Don’t be late.”

I should have known something was up back then, but as it were, I was just happy that I was able to stop him from filling the Tower with people I didn’t know. Not only would it help to keep Bucky relaxed (and perhaps even allow him to enjoy himself for once!), it’d also help to keep myself relaxed.

I’d never been one to enjoy big crowds, and I especially didn’t want to celebrate joining the team with people who weren’t even a part of it. It made sense. So when Friday night rolled around, it found me in a way better mood than I expected. I even accepted Nat’s suggestion and let her pick my clothes. I was feeling so great, in fact, that I felt bolder, brave enough to accept to wear a satin red dress with a deep neckline that seemed to be able to attract every man’s attention upon seeing me.

Even Bucky seemed drawn to it. And I couldn’t deny that knowing I held that sort of power even to a man of his caliber, a man that attractive, made me feel even braver. But with braveness comes stupidity, and I was brutally reminded of that fact by Tony’s smug face when I heard the dare he had for me.

Listen, I would have never accepted the idea of fucking truth or dare if it wasn’t for this stupidly sexy dress. I mean, the powers that clothing can have… They can make you blind with clout. That’s the only way I could justify what happened next.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I argued, much to Tony’s (and the rest of the team’s) amusement. Each and every single one of them looked at me with barely contained laughter, with the exception of Bucky, apparently.

“Careful, sweetheart… The dare’s already on and that wasn’t very sexy of you.” Narrowing my eyes at him, I very carefully thought out my gameplay here. I could very well retreat to my bedroom and go to sleep. But then again, this whole night had been so fun, and Tony had been really nice to abide by my wishes to only invite people that I knew…

“Fine. I’ll spend the rest of the night being as blunt as possible as I hit on you guys. After all, this is probably the only way you’ll ever get to hear me talking dirty, huh?” And with a wink in Tony’s direction, I resigned myself to face the challenge ahead. “So, let’s get on with this orgy, shall we?”

Bucky’s P.O.V.

It’s not that I was jealous. Of course, I wasn’t jealous. It’s just… hearing her say those things in front of everyone else made my blood boil like nothing else. I knew it wasn’t my place to feel this way. It’s not like she owed me anything, much less attention. As much as I wanted, she wasn’t mine, or even close to that.

Despite being head over heels in love with her, I still hadn’t gathered enough courage to even ask her out for a cup of coffee - or anything else, for that matter. And the worst part was that everyone but her seemed to know about my feelings. Which made this whole night even worse, since I was pretty sure Tony had done all of this on purpose.

So I had to sit through a lot of “Oh, please fuck me”, and “I wouldn’t kick you out of bed,” none of which were addressed to me - and those were the least graphic ones. I couldn’t really blame her, since I hadn’t spoken a single word from the second this whole dare started, but still, I was sulking, and I knew it.

In fact, I was so lost inside my own head, that I didn’t even realize what had happened when she asked “Do you want me to sit on your face or what?” (which I’m pretty sure was directed to Sam) until a heavy silence took the place of the animated chatter that had been going on. Imagine my surprise when I realized everyone was staring at me.

“What?” I asked, my heart already beating out of control, looking from one face to the other in the hopes of grasping what I had lost in the conversation.

“You just said you wanted Y/N to sit on your face,” was the response I got, from no other than Sam himself, and if my heart had been pounding on my chest only seconds before, now it felt as if it had stopped altogether.

“You’re crazy,” I tried to joke, trying with all of my might not to look at the woman who was staring at me. I could feel her gaze on my face. It burned and I ached to look, to see what sort of expression she was wearing, but my anxiety was just too strong - stronger than my curiosity ever could be.

“I wish I was, man. But you literally just answered ‘Please sit on mine’ when she asked if she could sit on my face.” I was going to die. I was sure of it. My face felt so warm, there was no way I wouldn’t just spontaneously combust any second now.

The worst part was, I knew Sam was telling the truth. Because those were the precise words I thought the second that I heard the offer leave her beautiful lips. And now I didn’t know what to do.

“Fine, your room or mine?” She broke me out of my self-deprecating thoughts, surprising me so much that I automatically raised my eyes to meet hers, finding her looking down at me with a mischievous smirk on her lips. Was she joking? Was this part of the dare?

The room erupted on laughs and I forced myself to join them, praying to whoever was available up in the heavens that they would let me be and thankfully, soon enough, the conversation smoothly transitioned away from me and my stupid malfunctioning. Y/N didn’t look in my direction again, which helped with my task of trying to get my breathing pattern into a normal one once more, and in a half hour people were breaking up into small groups and going back into their own rooms for the night.

I figured it was safe to do the same. So I got back to my bedroom’s floor with my hands buried deep in my pocket, trying to figure out what the hell had happened that night, when the door to my room suddenly opened and a tiny hand wrapped around my wrist, hauling me as best as they could into my own living quarters.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Bucky looked beyond surprised as he stared down at me with his mouth hanging open. I was tempted to tease him about letting flies in if he stayed like that, but I didn’t want to make this any more difficult for him than it clearly already would be. To be honest, I also had no idea how I’d been able to move that mountain of a man.

“What are you doing in my room?” Oh, right. That’s what he was concerned about. Fair enough.

“I wanted to show you something.” By the way he opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally being able to say anything else, it was clear that it wasn’t the answer he was expecting, but then again, he obviously wasn’t expecting me to be in his room.

“W-What?”

I grinned, immediately curling my fingers on the edge of my dress before promptly pulling it over my head and sending it flying across the room. Bucky’s jaw dropped, and it only made my smile grow bigger as I quickly got rid of my bra before finally doing the same to my underwear.

“What? Did you think I would let you suffer?” The poor thing, he didn’t seem capable of answering at all, eyes the size of plates as he stared at my naked body, practically drooling. I ran my hands over my breasts, cupping them slightly before trailing further down.

“Did you think I’d let Sam learn what my pussy tasted like? Or Steve? No, no, no, James. This is for you and you only.” Burying a finger inside of me, I made sure to let out my loudest, most pornographic moan as I slowly thrusted it once inside of me before raising it to his face.

“See how I’m soaked? I always get like this when I’m near you.” Bucky actually whimpered, knees faltering for a second as he reached out to grab a hold of himself with the wall next to us, and I laughed before raising a challenging eyebrow in his direction. “What are you waiting for? Get on your knees.”

My breath hitched as I watched the mountain of a man before me literally do exactly that, hypnotizingly staring at the space between my legs before slowly meeting my eyes with a look of pure need in his perfect face. Jesus. How the fuck was I supposed to control myself when he was looking at me like that?

I had gathered the sense that Bucky wanted me, that much became clear tonight, but I had no idea the extent of his desire until just then. Until he looked at me with pupils dilated from under his stupidly long eyelashes, breath coming out from his open mouth like he was desperate for me, desperate to taste what I had to offer.

He looked like he would do anything I asked him to in that second, and the feeling of power that thought gave me left me horny as nothing else. So my first order of business was to command, “Eat me.”

The second the words were out, it was clear that was all he was waiting to do what both of us so clearly wanted. Two strong hands grabbed me from behind and with that grasp of my ass, he pulled me to him until I was in fact seated on his face, wholly dependent on his muscular body to keep me up.

“Oh God,” he was the one to whisper, and a shiver ran through my body as he licked my pussy from clit to hole before diving in as if he was determined to rid me of all of my wetness - knowing fully well it was an impossible task.

Bucky Barnes didn’t need any guidance in the art of eating pussy, that quickly became clear to me, but I still felt the need to grab a hold of his hair just to help keep myself grounded into the reality of this moment. The way he moaned against my cunt at the action, the vibrations running through my body and making me tremble on top of him, certainly didn’t make me regret any part of my decision. It was clear he liked that sting of pain.

Bucky’s P.O.V.

I was having a hard time believing this was really happening, even though I had Y/N’s completely naked body on top of me, her cunt spread open by my own tongue, her juices covering every inch of my tongue. I couldn’t even convince myself to close my eyes to fully enjoy her taste, too preoccupied with memorizing every little thing about this moment.

And the second she opened her eyes to find me already looking up at her, I was particularly glad for my decision, if only because I got to witness the delicious smile that took over her beautiful face before she grinded her pussy against my lips.

“Fuck, you look so good like this. I could get used to this.” A jolt ran through my body at the implications of what she was saying. Before I could even fully process it, I was already responding with the only thing that occupied my mind then, “Please do.”

If I thought I would scare her away with my desperation, a delighted giggle immediately managed to calm my nerves. “Do you always say what you’re thinking?” She asked, still rubbing herself against me, so it took me a while to be able to moan against her wetness an honest, “Yes.” When I did though, the vibrations managed to be exactly what she needed to gush her release onto my waiting mouth, making me growl in excitement. She was so fucking sweet. My cock was so fucking hard it hurt, but all I could think about was how much I wanted to pleasure her, how much I never wanted this night to end.

Unfortunately for my plans, she decided to climb down from me, eyes drinking my kneeling position while she caught her breath for a bit before she threw herself on my bed, feet on the mattress so I’d get a perfect vision of her perfect pussy. Hypnotized, I didn’t even notice I’d gotten up and approached her until her voice broke me out of my reverie.

“Would you like to take a picture?” I knew she was joking, but there was no way I’d miss the slightest possibility of getting at least a permanent reminder of this night, so I answered as truthfully as possible yet again, “Of course. Would you let me take one?”

I was expecting her to laugh it off and move this along, but once more her answer surprised me. “Only if you promise me you won’t use it to jerk off to.” The confusion must have been clear in my expression, because she quickly added, “That’s what I’m here for.”

My heartbeat picked up as I struggled to process her words. “D-Does this mean you’ll want to do this again?” I watched as a small smile grew on her lips and she sat up on the mattress before reaching out to me.

“Every night, if you’ll have me.”

Another moment of silence as I struggled to accept that this was real, that this was really happening.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I couldn’t contain my delighted giggles at the lovestruck expression on Bucky’s eyes. But my need for him was growing deeper every second, so while he stared I reached out for his jeans, quickly managing to unzip them and push them down until I could wrap my hands around his member.

“Jesus, you’re so hard.” Even without any actual stimulation, apparently just giving me pleasure was enough to get him ready for me. I could barely wait to feel his cock inside of my pussy.

“I-I can’t believe this is happening,” he whispered while climbing on the bed and settling between my thighs. “I’ve been dreaming about this for the longest time.” Gosh, could he be any more perfect?

“Well, it’s happening now, James. Please, please, fuck me. I need your cock in me.” His lips looked wet from our earlier activities, and my gaze immediately fell on them when he gasped at my words and the feeling of his cock rubbing on my pussy. When I positioned the head and pulled him closer to me, signaling what I wanted, he followed without any resistance, his entire body trembling as he struggled to keep himself up with both hands on either side of my head.

“You’re doing so great, baby. God, it feels so good to be with you like this.” Apparently, Bucky grew tired of fighting against his own body, since he allowed his massive frame to fall just over mine, resting his forehead on mine.

“Fuck.” Hearing the word whispered so close to me, his warm breath dancing over my skin, while he was effectively about to do just that, felt incredibly arousing for something so small. “It’s like I can’t get close enough to you.”

In the search to feel more connected to me, he finally started thrusting, and then it was like I’d forgotten to speak altogether. Only able to hold tight to those shoulders that tempted me for so long, I struggled to keep the moans and whimpers inside so I could continue to hear the little breathless whispers that he was releasing, almost like he was speaking to himself…

“So wet…” It all only made me more desperate for the enchanting man on top of me, so beautiful, and yet so insecure of his own allure. I hoped after tonight he’d start understanding just how attractive he truly was, at least to me.

“Bucky…” I managed to whisper, calling out for his attention and earning it when his eyes snapped open to meet mine. “Bucky, kiss me.” I needed to feel those lips against mine, to have that one sweet gesture of entwinement that we still hadn’t shared. Apparently, he felt the same need, because in a second, he was onto me, mouth slowly prying mine open so his tongue could explore yet another part of my body that now belonged to him.

By then, he couldn’t contain his moans anymore, and I was grateful that I was still able to keep mine low so I wouldn’t miss the symphony of whimpers and whines, especially after he pulled away to catch his breath and his eyes met mine.

“Fuck, darling…” Each sound from his lips made my pulse grow quicker, my body warmer, that incredible high closer and closer to me. And still, because I needed to tease him, I found myself saying, “For someone who was so embarrassed about the team knowing you wanted me, you surely can be loud.”

Bucky hid his head on the crook of my neck, making goosebumps rise all over my body as he rubbed his nose against my skin, breathing me in. If I thought it was a gesture of shyness, his next words assured me that wasn’t the case at all.

“I want them to hear. I want them to know I’m yours.” The confession had the fire of desire burning brighter inside of me, and my hands slipped around his back, certainly leaving nailprints behind.

“Oh, is that it? You’re mine now, James?” The thought thrilled me to no end, but I needed him to say it, not only because I wanted to be sure there was no uncertainty in his feelings for me, but also because it made me even weaker for the soldier and the dominance he had over my body.

“C-Can I be? Please?” There was so much vulnerability in his beautiful blue eyes that the only answer I managed to give at first was the connection between our lips again, pulling him down to me so our bodies were completely glued to one another once more. My fingers buried in his locks, I pulled on them when I needed to gather some air, and finally give him an actual answer.

Bucky’s P.O.V.

“Hell fucking yes. We’ll be the hottest couple on Earth.” A shiver went through my body at the realization that she truly wanted this, that she truly wanted me. A sound escaped my lips before I could realize, and in fact, I only noticed it because she broke me out of my reverie by saying, “You know, everytime you whine, I have the overwhelming urge to just tie you down to this bed and give you a reason to do so.”

Shit. This woman made me weak. And the moment I lost control of my own weight, she took advantage of it, inverting our positions so she was the one on top, while managing to keep my cock nestled deep inside of her.

“Do you want to cum, sweetheart?” Hearing the filthiness that spilled out of her lips only made me hotter and hotter, my hands flying up to hold her waist as she began to ride me. “Tell me just how badly you want it. Say it, or I’ll leave you right here, right on the edge of bliss, and I’ll cum on your thigh instead.”

I heaved loudly, trying to force my own tongue to work, but the sight of her breasts bouncing with her movements was too hypnotizing. I would never regain full control of my body again, I realized, for as long as she wanted to keep me around. But instead of feeling lost, like I did when the Winter Soldier took over, all I could feel was peace.

She wanted me. She wanted my body, my soul, every part of me. Despite every missing piece, every scar. Everything anyone had ever done to me, everything I’d done to so many. And I’d gladly give it all to her, forever.

“Please, please let me cum, ma’am.” The name left my lips before I could realize, but it made her smile. And right then, I knew I’d done the right thing. Her movements picked up, her hand searching mine to guide my thumb to meet her nub, and as soon as I started rubbing it, she gasped in the most melodic of sounds.

“Cum for me, James. I wanna feel you cumming inside of me.” Jesus fucking christ. I didn’t have a choice, my body reacting to her calling like she was a siren and I was helpless. I felt helpless. It wasn’t difficult to see that I liked it, though. I liked being under her control. I liked how she pulled me apart and held me in place all at the same time.

“If you don’t take your thumb away, so help me God.” Her voice broke me out of my thoughts, realizing her chest was heaving with the effort to breathe properly now that she’d reached her climax with me. I smiled sheepishly before adjusting on the bed, right when she climbed down from my body, and a whine escaped my chest despite my better wishes, making her look at me with an amused smile.

“I’m sorry, I just… I kinda miss you already.” Her smile grew bigger, her eyes twinkling under the moonlight as she leaned over me to kiss me, and I couldn’t help it. I just had to hug her closer, have her falling on top of my chest just so I could invert our positions and kiss her some more.

“I want something that’ll show them I’m yours.” I admitted once she pulled away to gather her breath, and her eyebrows rose in surprise, but also interest, I could tell.

“Like a collar?”

“I was thinking more like a love bite, but I don’t mind.” Her giggle was the most adorable sound in the universe, I was sure of it.

“Baby, I’ll let you fuck me in front of them, if it’ll help your insecurity,” she soothed me, and the thought of having everyone see us together, fully understand that I belonged to her, electrified me. “You’re mine now. You can be damn sure if anyone tries to flirt with you, they’ll have to deal with me. And I’ll make sure they know I’m yours and only yours if they try to chat me up.”

The thought made me smile, and I laid back on the bed and pulled her to rest against my chest, my hand instinctively coming up to play with her hair. “I can get used to that.” We stayed like that for a while, just breathing in each other’s presences, relishing in the comfortable silence between us, until I felt the need to break it.

“Can I kiss you again?” I felt her smile against my skin, before she pushed away to reach for me and connect our lips once more. God, I don’t think I’d ever get used to knowing I could have this anytime I wanted. “One more,” I begged when she pulled away, and she pretended to think for a moment before shooting me a mischievous grin.

“Only if you come fuck me in the shower.”

The only thing I could think to say in response, as I watched her strut in the direction of the bathroom, was “Fuck, you’re sexy.”

#my fics #bucky barnes smut #smut #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes reader #bucky barnes reader insert #bucky barnes reader inserts #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes oneshots #I'm gonna reblog it with the taglists later

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alwaysaslutforbakugang · 4 years

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Dating Ochako Uraraka would include . . .

Summary: What would it be like to date UA's very own gravity hero Ochako?

Warnings: none, we fluffy over here my guys.

Word count: 899

Author's Note: Hey guys!! I'm back and I know its been a really long time since I last posted and I really do miss you guys. So I'm back to stay! Feel free to send in anything you want me to write in my inbox. And now that that's over, let's get on with it!

Lots of at home dates. You both will just grab a bunch of blankets and pillows, buy all your favorite snacks, and watch movies or play games together. She sometimes feels as if you only pity her home dates because she isn't exactly all that rich to take you out, but you always reassure her that you just love spending time with her.

Constant affection. If you weren't a PDA type of person before, you are now. You two will always be touching someway. Either by hugs or kisses, hand holding or piggy back rides. The affection never ends. But its not like you would want it to. Iida even reprimanded you guys for playing footsie under the table on one of your school trips.

Despite her quirk, you guys love holding hands. You'll lace your pinkies around one another and walk together to class. It's really fucking cute. She'll get nervous every once in a while but she hasn't sent you into the atmosphere yet, so it's a win in your book.

Training together is something she really looks forward to. You know she's strong, when you first met her you watched as she almost crushed that Bakugou kid at the Sports Festival, and you just found yourself falling for the strong girl. She'll come to you to show you what new moves she's mastered or she'll teach you whatever moves she knows. You trust each other, so when it comes down to training you know that she won't purposefully harm you, but that doesn't mean that either of you go easy on each other.

When you buy her things, no matter what it is (flowers, candy, clothes, etc.), she'll get super flustered and tell you not to waste your money on her.

"(Y/N) no! You didn't have to get me this. It looks so expensive too."

"I remembered you said you like these, and it's never a waste when it goes towards you."

She blushed and floated herself into a tree

You get along well with her friends. She told you about the huge crush she used to have on her friend Midoriya and although it makes you a tad anxious, you know that the both of them are really great friends. You and Iida bond over cars and machinery, you and Tsu hit it off right out the gate, and Todoroki doesn't really care a lot about you unless you hurt his friend.

On your first date, you took her to an aquarium. She told you she had never been before and you were determined to give her an experience she's never had before. Her favorite part was the jellyfish exhibit, so you bought her a jellyfish plushie that night after you took her to dinner. She was so eternally appreciative and in love that she slept with the plushie that night.

When you guys started dating, 2 weeks went by before your first kiss. She was the one who initiated it because she got tired of dropping hints. She pulled you in and didn't let go, not like you wanted her too.

She might not seem like it, but she's the type to flirtatiously tease her s/o. She'll drop pick-up lines and give you flirty looks, she'll even brag to everyone about how she has the best partner all because she knows how flustered it makes you.

But its not like she's wrong.

There will be times when she's not at her best. She'll be sluggish and antisocial, choosing to keep to herself than be with you or her friends. She'll start to blame herself for things that are obviously not her fault, and in those times its really gonna hurt to see her so depressed. So in those times you take her to your dorm, give her something to eat, and if she has to cry, you let her use your shoulder. She might be trying to be a hero, but she's still young, life can get difficult and people need to cry.

She loves sleeping in your bed with you. She finds you to be so soft and cuddly. She'll see how you'll sleepily reach out for her if she went to the bathroom at night. She'll whisper to you and you'll respond back with a half-sleep answer, she finds it so funny that she'll have to hold back her giggles while you sleep.

She sings. If your making breakfast she'll come and help. She'll sing little tunes under her breath and if your quiet enough you can hear it. You think she sounds so majestic but she's shy about it. Saying that its nothing like Jirou's or Momo's, but if you wanted singing like their's you would be dating them. She'll blush and get flustered but she's very appreciative that you want her and her singing so much.

One time she accidentally punched you square in the nose while training and as she's panicking, trying to stop the bleeding, you just found yourself being turned on by it. She never found out, but you would let her step on you if she wanted.

HARD.

She's the one who helped you pick out your hero name and design your costume. You take so much pride in it.

She loves when you play in her hair. Braids are her favorite. One time you tried to convince her to let you dye it, an although she said no, she settled on getting highlights. You made them bright pink and she absolutely adored it.

She can't see herself loving anyone but you. She wants you to be the one she grows old with, get married and start a family. She's too scared to tell you this though, so she confides in Midoriya and Iida.

They tell you anyway but only because Deku thinks its the cutest and most sweetest thing ever.

#bnha #mha #uraraka ochacho #uraraka x reader #fluff #bnha x reader #bnha imagines #gender netural reader

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themusicplayedherlife · 4 years

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If you have a request box and it’s open can I get a Tim x demigod reader. Tim is a son of Hermes and the reader is a daughter of Athena. The reader only likes hanging out with the seven pulse Nico, Will, Grover, and Calyps. The adult figures are Mr. D and Chiron. She only hangs out with the seven Nico, Will, Grover, and Calypso and had been in every quest with Percy and the rest since Percy got to camp. The reader is antisocial and an introvert. Tim somehow worms his way into her heart.

a/n: i am so sorry this is so lateeee! you have no idea how many times i started this and rewrote it. you really gave me a hard challenge lol but it’s here and i hope you like it

Tim couldn’t stop staring. He knew it was probably weird and he should look away, but it’s fascinating watching you swing your sword. You’re so graceful, so calm and collected when you flex your wrist to make a harsh cut in the air.

“What are you staring at?” is the question that drags him out of his dream like state.

Looking up, he finds his brother staring down at him. Well, not really his brother, but someone he considered as such nonetheless. They grew up together, even though they didn’t share the same god or human parent, just a legal guardian that gave them a home when all hope seemed lost. But he was as much of a brother, maybe even more, as his cabin mates were.

“Nothing,” is his nonchalant answer. Dick already knows what he’s staring at, anyway, he doesn’t even need to ask, but he loves teasing him about his crush.

Dick snorts. “Yeah, sure, I believe you.”

Practice swords clash and grunts fill the air. You stand at the ready, not giving into Percy’s playful taunts. Growing bored, Percy finally rushes at you and you easily sidestep him and swing, getting Poseidon’s son square on his back.

“Stop sulking and go talk to her,” Dick suddenly says after a beat of silence.

Tim can’t help but wrinkle his nose in annoyance. As much as he loves his brother, he really wishes he were less meddlesome.

You flip your hair back and stare down Percy as he tries to counterattack, but you get him again, right behind the knees, Annabeth shouts your praises and it causes Percy to pout and turn to look at his girlfriend, once more leaving himself wide open for you to attack.

“Easy for you to say,” Tim mumbles. “You get along with everyone.” Must be the Aphrodite genes in him.

“Because I make an effort.” Dick nudges Tim’s head with his finger before ruffling his hair just as Percy throws his sword to the ground and raises his arms. “Look, she and Percy are done training for the day, now is your chance.”

This is his chance! He hops to his feet, but suddenly his feet stop as his mind starts over thinking. What if… “What if she wants to be on her own?”

He knew how guarded you were, after all, you had been betrayed in the worst way possible. Betrayed by someone you trusted and looked up to; someone who was like an older brother to you. While Tim was hurt to find out that a housemate—a sibling no less was behind the betrayal, it didn’t have the same impact on him as it did on you. You had been devastated, full of anguish as you tried to deny what became so clear (if any of his siblings—Dick, Jason, Cassandra or Damian—did half of what Luke did, he would’ve lost his mind). He wonders if that’s why you choose to keep to yourself? Avoid the hurt that someone could cause you by keeping your friend circle so tight and close?

He’s an idiot. Of course it is.

Dick rolls his eyes. “Just go-“ he pushes him forward- “and talk to her!”

“What do I even say?” He asks in a panic.

“Ask if you can sit together for dinner!” Dick suggests. “Or if she’d like to train with you tomorrow! You got this, Timmy!”

Yeah. Yeah! He does have this! He can totally do this! Tim nods resolutely, ready to march up to you and ask if you’d like to sit with him, only to find you’re no longer on the training ground. His shoulders fall and he lets out a loud sigh.

With a sympathizing chuckle and a pat on the back, Dick says, “Next time.”

“Yeah, next time,” Tim murmurs.

He tries his luck as you’re cleaning your weapons, a hand me down celestial-bronze sword from Annabeth and two identical blades gifted to you by Damasen when you fell into Tartarus with your sister and Percy.

You were pretty territorial with your stuff, preferring to clean them and wield them yourself. He’s only ever seen you let Annabeth touch them, and only because she gave you your first weapon.

“Hey,” Tim speaks up slowly, gaining your attention, and you pause in your ministrations. “Um, sorry, do you mind if I—“ he points at the cleaning wax and everything you have laid out to keep your weapons in top condition.

Your eyes fall to the spread in front of you and you nod, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

“Thanks,” he mutters and he gently lays out his own weapons gifted to him by Bruce. They’re not the most traditional of weapons like yours or most in camp and he can tell you’re intrigued by the way your eyes linger on them. “Uh, do you want to try using it?” he asks, motioning to his custom bo staff, made out of celestial-bronze, with his hands.

You shake your head, but the curiosity lingers in your gaze and Tim feels his heart speed up when you don’t look away. “How do you kill monsters with it?”

“I—I don’t,” he answers truthfully. “It disorients them, gives my brothers or Cass a chance to finish them off.” You nod slowly, unsure if that’s such a wise idea. Monsters don’t attack to disorient, they attack to kill, so why shouldn’t he? “But I do sometimes use it as a makeshift sword,” he jokes and for a moment he swears he hears a small puff of air that sounds kind of like a giggle.

It’s enough to have him grinning widely.

“Hey—“ a voice interrupts—Nico. When did he arrive at camp? “You done, yet?” He asks you, not even acknowledging him, which isn’t much of a surprise. Hades’ son tends to keep to himself, preferring to travel on his own, too, but occasionally he’d seek you or the others out for companionship.

“Just about,” you answer him, voice lighter and full of warmth. A tinge of envy shoots through his veins. He wonders when you’ll be able to direct that voice in his direction. “Give me a moment to wipe off—there.” You pause and your eyes lock with his for just a moment. “Do you mind putting all of this away?”

“No,” he answers dumbly, unable to break eye contact with you. “No, I don’t mind.”

“Thanks, Drake,” you murmur and quickly put your weapons away to join Nico for who knows what.

He hopes he can spend more time with you next time.

Next time comes a lot sooner than Tim thought it would.

He can’t sleep. It’s not the first time, either. His cabin mates usually make fun of him, say his mind is always running and that’s why he’s never able to rest. He’s starting to believe there might be some truth to their words.

With a sigh, he carefully sneaks out of the cabin, grabbing his red hoodie as he goes. He follows the path to the woods where he knows he’ll find some peace and quiet. He knows he shouldn’t stray far, even with Wayne Tech and the fleece protecting the perimeter, you could never be too careful. He doesn’t go too far from camp, but far enough where he’s sure Connor won’t find him and try to pull some kind of prank on him when he realizes he’s gone.

The twigs snap under his feet as he gets closer to the lake where all the naiads play in during the day. He knows they’re all asleep by now and shouldn’t bother him, or so he thought.

Hands wrap around his wrist, ready to throw him over their shoulder with all of their weight, but Tim is quick. He’s able to pull away and wrap his own arms around his attacker—why are they so light?—and is able to throw them both on the ground where he successfully managed to pin them down.

Peering down at the person pinned beneath him, his eyes widening almost comically, embarrassment finding a home on his cheeks. Shit.

“Drake?” Your eyes are just as wide and shocked as his, mouth parted slightly as you stare up at him unblinkingly.

Your name falls from his lips the same way, unsure if it’s really you beneath him right now or some kind of mind trick.

The shock drains from your eyes and you grow serious, suddenly bucking him off of you. He gets the hint and quickly scrambles to his feet.

“I’m sorry, you just grabbed me and I—“

You ignore his rambling, wiping dirt off of your pants. “Why are you out here? You know it’s dangerous.”

His brows furrow and he fixes his hoodie. “Could say the same to you.”

You eye him, head tilting and he has to tell himself to keep eye contact—don’t break, don’t break. He swears he can get lost in those endless shimmering eyes of yours. You sigh and turn away first and Tim let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Same,” he answers, voice coming out as a broken squeak. He curses himself for not keeping his voice leveled. He really has it bad doesn’t he?

You don’t say anything, instead you head towards a small patch of grass by the glistening water of the lake and plop down. You bring your knees up to your chest and you just sit there, and Tim doesn’t know how, but he somehow manages to find the courage and strength to drop himself down beside you.

He waits for a beat, and when you don’t tell him to leave, he relaxes, one leg stretched outward and his palms resting against the ground as he leans back.

You spend the rest of the night in companionable silence.

Tim thankfully has the option to opt out of Capture the Flag this week. On his mini quest with Jason and Cassandra, he got hurt pretty bad saving a child from a wild hellhound terrorizing a small town on the outskirts of Gotham. Not that he’s happy that he got hurt, because ouch hellhound teeth digging into skin is the worst thing he has experienced, and that’s saying a lot as a Demi-god and Robin.

Don’t get him wrong, he gets why everyone gets super excited about it, but sometimes—members of the Ares cabin, like Jason, especially—get super competitive and it becomes this whole thing where everyone fights all day and they take more jabs at one another than usual.

“You still ain’t good, kid?”

Tim spares a glance over his shoulder at Jason, who is geared up and ready. Dick and Cassandra flank his sides both in their own personal gear.

“Hellhound got me pretty good.”

Dick ruffles his hair. “I’ll see if I can get Chiron to spare some Nectar or Ambrosia after the game.”

He had some when he arrived at camp, but it wasn’t enough for a Hellhound bite apparently. “That’d be great. Thanks, Dick.”

“Stay safe,” Cassandra mutters patting his arm before making her way over to her other team members with excitement. He forgets how much she loves Capture the Flag.

Dick shakes his head and Jason chuckles lowly, the two following after her.

“Good luck!”

“Won’t need it,” Jason barks back at him, smirking.

He rolls his eyes and pities the fool that’ll have to take on his brothers and sister.

“Here,” a soft voice says just as a small bag of squared treats falls on his lap and he startles, barely catches it before it can drop to the ground. “I had some extra Ambrosia lying around.”

He blinks at the food and then up to find you looking away from him, your friends just a few feet away.

“I’ve never fought a hellhound, but Percy and Annabeth said they can be pretty vicious.”

“Are you sure—“

“Yeah,” you cut him off, finally meeting his gaze, a small smile on your beautiful face that has his heart racing and the wound in his leg throbbing. “Keep out of trouble, Tim.”

Tim. You called him Tim! This is—that’s great news! Just as he’s registering his name drop, he realizes you’re already walking away from him to join the rest of your friends waiting off to the side.

“Thanks,” he calls out to you and you glance at him over your shoulder, eyes scrunching up and lips turning up in one corner. Shit. How is it that one simple smirk can turn his world upside down and kick his heart into overdrive? It should be illegal to make someone feel so strongly as you make him feel.

If he dies from his hellhound injury right this moment, he wouldn’t regret anything in his life.

Except he would regret a couple of things. He knows over the last few years you’ve been in and out of the camp, following your sister and the rest of your friends on the prophesied quests, but he wishes he had tried to get to know you earlier. Maybe then he’d somehow be connected to your prophecies too, and he didn’t have to worry about you never coming back.

“Relax,” he hears Jason say behind him as he and his siblings wait with him for any signs of you and your friends. “She’s gone through worse trials than this and has made it out alive. She can handle finding her mother’s darn owl.”

“She’s strong,” Cassandra adds with a resolved nod, completely convinced about her words.

“Yeah,” he says breathlessly. “She is.”

“She may have already found the owl,” Dick reassures, clapping him on his shoulder. “She’s probably on her way to Olympus to deliver it and Annabeth said that might take another week.”

Gods, he hopes not.

It’s another day, and Tim wonders if you’re okay. If you’re keeping safe and warm. He knows Frank and Piper wouldn’t let anything happen to you, you three are as thick as thieves, and trust each other with your lives, but he still can’t help it.

He thinks back on that night on the lake, how you just sat side by side in silence, and more often than not, most nights he’d find himself by that lake with you by his side.

The first time you broke the silence, you asked him more about his bo staff, asking how it worked and if he’d regret picking that as his choice of weapon. He told you it was gifted to him, and he trusted his weapon to get him out of messy situations. You just stared at him for a beat longer before nodding in understanding.

That night, after you had both went your separate ways—you to your cabin and him to his, he lay awake as his thoughts run wild.

Those nights, sitting side by side in companionable silence, or in shy conversation as you watch the water sparkle, feels so long ago now.

He grabs a rock, turning it in his hands, weighing it. He gently raises it and is about to flick his wrist to skip it across the water when a soft voice stops him, the rock falling to the ground and rolling away.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” His head slowly turns, as if trying to process that familiar voice—because it can’t be! Annabeth didn’t think you’d come for another week! “Naiads aren’t fond of campers throwing things in their lake.”

He scrambles to his feet and takes in your form—apart from a scratch on your cheek, you seem okay! “You’re home!”

“I’m home,” you repeat, a slow smile making its home on your beautiful face.

Gods! He could just kiss you out of relief!

“I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long,” you murmur shyly and his eyes widen. “I heard from Annabeth you’ve been waiting for me.”

“No!” he interjects loudly, and the water behind him ripples. Shit. Don’t wake up the naiads, Tim! “No,” he tries again softly, “don’t apologize. I’m just, I’m just glad you’re safe.”

It’s quiet out by the lake, not a single bird to be heard or an occasional giggle from a nymph breaking curfew. It’s like everything is holding its breath, watching, waiting to see what might happen. Or maybe it’s just him.

“Okay,” you bend slowly, turning away from him as your smile turns awkward, strained, “well, I just wanted to let you know I’m back, so—“

His hand reaches for your wrist without thinking and you stare at him, smile falling from your face, but you don’t look scared. Your head only tilts and your eyes sparkle with the reflection of the stars, and he knows you’re only curious.

He’s curious, too. Why did he stop you?

“I—“ he closes his mouth, unsure of what to say exactly. His hand drops to his side and he berated himself. He’s already made a fool of himself, no need to keep doing it.

You sigh gently, facing away from him for a moment before taking a couple of steps to stand right in front of him, the tips of your shoes almost touching his. He has to resist the urge to hold his breath, because wow, you’re even more beautiful up close. “Tim, do you—do you like me?”

“What?” he asks dumbly, having not expected you to ask that of all things.

Heat radiated off your pores, eyes drooping and a sweet flush beginning to appear on your skin. “Sorry, I—wow. I’m an idiot. Um. I’m sorry, forget I asked that—“

Before Tim knows what he’s doing, his hands have somehow made a home on your warm skin, and he watches as your eyes widen, mouth parting in a silent question. He knows he’s being oddly intimate, but he didn’t know what else to do! Probably not this! But you’re not pushing him away so that’s a good sign, right? “I—I do,” he admits. “I do like you. I like you a lot. Since the moment my siblings and I arrived and I saw you training with Annabeth.”

“That was so long ago, Tim,” you say, voice a little breathless and he really hopes he hasn’t creeped you out.

“I—I know, but you looked so cool telling her to stop taking it easy on you.”

“I was annoyed,” you whisper.

“Yeah.” He grins slowly, almost in a haze. “But I thought you looked cool.” Your eyes drop to his hoodie as his hands drop to his side. “I just—I just thought you should know since you were asking and—“

“I like you, too,” you admit shyly, eyes meeting his and he swears he can see himself reflected in your eyes surrounded by stars instead of these dark trees. “Somehow, someway, you’ve worked yourself into my heart, Timothy Drake.”

“Oh, man!” He can’t help but laugh, nerves finally slipping from his tense bones, an unfamiliar heat taking over every piece of him. And he wonders if this is what true happiness feels like? “Can I—“ he clears his throat. “Can I kiss you?”

When you nod bashfully, he presses his lips against yours, relishing on the softness of them as your hands cup the back of his neck, and gods, he could just laugh again because this doesn’t feel real. You don’t feel real, but you are real, and you’re so sweet and soft and he can keep kissing you all night, but it’s a shame you both need to breathe at some point. And so, reluctantly he pulls away, only to press his forehead against yours.

“Have dinner with me tomorrow?” he asks, breath fanning over your lips.

You chuckle and he smiles. “I’ll have dinner with you every night, Tim.”

#tim drake x reader #i honestly dont remember anything form the books so this might be off?#and it might not include the characters you asked for because i forgot who Calypso is ;w; so I'm sorry #red robin x reader #tim drake imagine #reader insert #timothy drake x reader #tim drake x y/n #tim drake x you #tim drake

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type-a-nomad · 6 years

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IT’S MARCH!

feb 28

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 3 weeks. I feel like I haven't done anything. I haven't hiked table mountain. I haven't gone on Safari. I haven't seen the penguins. A lot of this is because I feel like I don't have people to go do them with. You kind of just have to cross your fingers that the people in your room are cool because that’s kind of your group. The social scene here is very cliquey. Nobody really asks you to go out if you aren't already in the group, which is generally sorted by where you live because you see those people the most. It makes me feel antisocial because I don’t have the energy necessary to join whatever social group I think is “cool” or most appealing. My room is small on top of that so it’s exhausting to try and force myself into others’ spaces. At the end of the day, it’s not a big deal. I am not here to go out or have a huge social circle, but it is limiting when I don’t want to sign up for things alone but no groups ask me to join when they're going. Dani, the new girl in my room, pointed out the cliquey-ness and it’s really true. The groups feel fixed and I’m not in any of them. People know my name and I am closer with some people than others, but I don’t really have friends here. I haven't clicked with anyone personality-wise, and no group has really absorbed me. A huge group of Danish girls arrived together and it exacerbates the issue because they only speak Danish to each other (even though they can speak english) so a lot of the volunteers have no idea what’s going on with them.

Despite my initial feelings that we wouldn't be close, Dani and I have been hanging out a bit. We are on the same project and she’s really funny. Also, I don’t really have anyone else. I am still under the weather, but feeling better than I was this weekend, which is a low bar but still a bar I have cleared nonetheless. I went to the doctor on Monday and she diagnosed me with a sinus infection even though my head doesn't hurt that much. I was so nauseous, which is apparently from a post-nasal drip. My fever has gone down and I went to work today. I couldn't just sit around all day while I’m here. I would rather be at one of the schools. They have set up a new tutoring system because the principal of the school got mad they we sent different volunteers for tutoring each time. Now, they assigned 5 volunteers to go every day. I’m one of them and it feels like a gift from God. Social stuff and physical stuff is not going that well, but my assignments are so fulfilling and that’s ultimately why I am here, so I still feel quite optimistic when I wake up in the morning. Because I was so nauseous for so long, I didn't eat much at all. It’s taken a huge toll on my energy. I am totally wiped and I still need to go to swim lessons. For lunch, Danni and I went to my favorite falafel place and I ate my whole pita. That was really good because it’s my first decent meal since Friday (and it’s Wednesday). I hate not eating on schedule. It was so bizarre to have my body just reject food in an extreme like that. My energy is so low and my mental state is really cloudy. If I just listened to my body, I would fall asleep right now (3pm) and sleep until tomorrow morning. However, I have swim lessons to teach so that isn’t an option. I don’t want to let the kids down, especially because they pair us 1-1 with them. Swim lessons were just okay. The girl, Jessica (13), I was paired with was in a bit of a bad mood and was really scared of the water. It didn't help that the waves were huge and the water down here is freezing. Also, the wind was blowing which makes the 80-degree weather feel like 70-degree weather. On top of all of that, my energy levels were way down. The pre-teen condition is global. It doesn't matter if you are the daughter of a millionaire in Malibu or living hand-to-mouth in a township in South Africa, there’s a certain kind of attitude that 13 year old girls have that remains unmatched by the rest of the human population. Jessica was really really not feeling swimming and sometimes would just say she was done and walk up to the beach. I let her and would just follow her, but it is so much more rewarding when the kid is having a good day and wants to be there. I understood why she was not feeling it and so I didn't give her a hard time. On the bright side, I got her to float on her back in the water for about 5 seconds which was a huge achievement given that I couldn't get her to put her body in the water at all for the first 10 minutes. She doesn't know how to swim (none of the kids do), and the ocean is incredibly terrifying when you can’t swim. Usually, the program I work with runs the swim lessons in pools, which makes sense because the waves here are wild. Because of the drought, all the pools in Cape Town have been drained. I’m not sure if it’s a legal thing but saving water is orthodox here it might as well be. Teaching kids how to swim in the ocean is as hard as it sounds. The ocean here is still scary as somebody who is a strong swimmer. The waves in Cape Town are kind of unbelievable sometimes. They can get up to 10 feet tall. When you hear the word “10 ft.” you think of a wall, or maybe a tall sign. A 10 foot tall wave and a 10 foot tall sign look radically different. Because the mass and starting point of the wave is already at sea level, which makes it look taller for some reason. I’ve tried to remember a beach I’ve seen with bigger waves but I don’t think I can. While the waves are big, they aren’t particularly thick and the undertow isn't horrible, so I don’t feel too threatened by them. In Spain, the waves would look fine, but they were so thick and powerful you could be hit by a 3-footer and be knocked off of your feet. When I got back from swim, I took a shower (more like a rinse, you only have 90-seconds of water and I try to use less because I’m a guest in this country). Then I laid on my bed and thought about my brain and my worldview and how I can shift my mindset to treat myself and the world around me better. That was nice, and calming. My mind felt very fluid after such a thorough check-in. Wednesdays we have Potjie (pOI-kie), which is a braai but instead of just BBQ-ing meat, you use these big cauldrons on the fire to make different kinds of stew and then serve it over rice. It’s very open and social. Even though I was tired and not feeling well, Dani asked me to get a drink and hang out in the bar so I joined her. She had a beer, and I brought my ginger-lemon-honey potion that I sip religiously since I got ill. Dani has bonded with the other girls from the UK here and they came over and started talking with us. If I have a group, this is it. They were so funny and cool. I love British humor because it’s so dry and nobody takes themselves seriously. From the people I’ve met, it’s amazing how vain Americans seem in comparison. It’s a fantastic energy to be around. We decided we are all going to a music festival in one of the townships on Saturday, and then doing a wine tour Sunday, which is fantastic because Thora cancelled on me on Monday so I still haven't done a wine tour (I was super fricken bummed about that, I hate being cancelled on— it hurts my feelings). That was all reassuring and warm and fuzzy for me for a bit, then I had veggie stew with rice because I don’t really eat meat here, I don’t know why I just don't like it that much/ want it ever really. I decided instead of staying up and having tea with the English girls, that I should go to bed and recover so I’m at 100% for the weekend. Plus, they have tea every night, there will be plenty of tea-time once I’m not physically struggling to make it through the day. It is such a bummer for your physical state to be out of sync with your mental state, really. It’s so noticeable and frustrating, because you know what you want to do but you also don’t want to do what you want because you're so tired. I’m very excited to feel better.

March 1

I woke up not feeling nauseous which was awesome. I’m starting to eat at normal meal times which is such a good sign. I am so happy to not be nauseous anymore. I ate my usual bowl of dark bran cereal with sugar (lots) and milk (skim). It is Shannon’s birthday today which is great for her and absolute shît for the rest of us. Shannon is the only mildly organized person in this entire fûcking program. She got the day off and the interns surprised her with a whole day planned, which took two of them away too. So we were down 3 drivers/organizers, something we already don’t have enough of. Saying this morning was bumpy would be an understatement. The vans that usually drive us were driven by people who have never driven them. Further, my project didn't even go in the vans (I don’t know why today they suddenly didn't have the room? Weird? Nothing is ever logical or explained to us ever). Robyn, another coordinator who is very enthusiastic and optimistic but breathtakingly disorganized, drove us in a tiny blue car. There are 6 of us and we all piled in. For some reason, there were two rows of seats in what should probably be a four-person car, so we squeezed and the clown-car took off towards our school, Vissershook (pronounced Vissers- hook, not even the names of the schools really “work” here according to normal rules).

Tutoring went well. It’s very rewarding, but the language gap is still proving to be a problem. During break these boys got in a really serious fight. I’ve never seen anything like it in person. They must have been around 10 or 11 years old. They were tackling each other and punching and kicking each other in the stomach. My co-volunteer, Lucas (super tall and super French), and I had to pull them apart. If Lucas hadn't been there I honestly don't know what would have happened because these are no longer little kids. They're almost my size, and I probably wouldn't have been able to stop them and could have gotten hurt myself. One of the boys was bleeding, but nobody got seriously injured as far as I could tell. Other than that I played with the little girls and let them do my hair. They LOVE my hair, but they turn it into one huge birds-nest. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to find half a sandwich in it when I finally get home and wash/brush it. Theres this one little girl who is so full of love. Her name is Jaslin and she always comes and finds me during break. She is 5 is absolutely tiny. I can pick her up with one hand very easily. Most days, I have a kid in each arm and maybe one on my back. It’s the closest thing to a gym I have here. I was supposed to go surfing this afternoon, but there were no waves, which is a bummer but I think I am going to go to the beach and then continue writing when I get back. Tonight I’m eating vegetarian again and for lunch I only had pasta, so I need to figure out how to get more protein in my diet. The yogurt here is just sugar and has very little protein in it so that’s a no-go. I’m not making meat that’s too much work, and it’s just too hot to want to eat cheese. Maybe I need to start eating nuts or something.....

- written later in the afternoon-

I switched my dinner to normal instead of vegetarian, which we aren't supposed to do, because Coll let me taste the chicken and it was all white and boneless and tender and nice. Hopefully that gets me by for protein today. The beach was really windy so I only stayed for 45 minutes and then went and sat in the sun with an american girl here named Sydney. She doesn't believe in feminism and likes Trump so that was interesting. It’s hard for me to not be intensely evangelical about my ideas, especially when I see all the harm the ideologies Trump promotes does to other people. If it hurts me that’s one thing, but if it hurts people who's lives are already significantly harder than mine, that’s something I’m going to fight tooth and nail against. I was born into a really fortunate situation that gives me enough comfort and distance from the pain of issues like affordable health care, racism, immigration, poverty, and access to education, that I feel a duty to make those issues better. I have the time and the resources so there’s a responsibility that comes with that. Yeah, it would be nice to just be a painter and travel the world and have a family and think about my little circle, but I believe that when you’re born into a situation that allows you to do that, you owe it to everyone else to choose not to. I’m very excited for this weekend and am feeling much better physically. My appetite is back and my energy level today was not as awful as yesterday. Still not at my full capacity but the battery is charging and retaining that charge steadily. Things are getting better and better each week here. I love how much time I have to sit and think and need to really use it for sitting and thinking instead of screwing around on my phone or on the internet. Journaling is one way, laying on my bed and trying to mentally sort my thoughts is a good challenge though. I have such a deep need to externalize what’s going on in my brain (writing, talking, art..) to understand how I’m thinking, learning to fight against it will probably only make my brain that much stronger. It’s spring time! (and my sinuses feel it)

- Q

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lostborderline · 4 years

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I am a melodramatic borderline with too much feeling and care for my own good. I am characterized by being extremely abnormal usually expressing myself through words or art (preferably realism or portraits), singing, and occasionally creating custom jean jacket patches to make myself look cool. Let me start my blog, or journal, if you will, with a bit about me to give you some insight. I mean, how can you imagine my life if you do not even know who I am? For starters, I am a strong advocate for mental illness awareness as I suffer from borderline myself mixed up with an assortment of others such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, and antisocial personality. I just turned 22, and I have been working in a Dunkin for four years so I have made some meaningful relationships with coworkers and customers although never close. My hobbies include writing freeverse poetry, short horror stories, skateboarding, playing video games (specifically Playstation), painting portraits, and singing + playing guitar. I have always been pretty creative in my life. I suppose all my pain fuels the passion for these creative outlets. My music does not vary a lot. I am very peculiar with music. I love any type of rock or pop music from the sixties, seventies/eighties punk music, classic rock or even boy bands such as the Backstreet Boys. My favorite bands being The Beatles, System of a Down, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queen and Nirvana. I grew up on heavy metal, actually, like Mushroomhead or Mudvayne. My mom actually wanted to try heroin because “Kurt Cobain did heroin”, she was obsessed with him. That should tell you a lot about her. There’s nothing wrong with Cobain, just my mom is literally the epitome of mental health issues. When I was a preteen, I was constantly called a loser for saying no to taking drugs whenever she offered. I never needed drugs to feel like things were okay. I suppose I am a strong person. She was very depressed throughout my life. She’s even overdosed on stuff like oxycontin and Xanax in front of me, I constantly saw her being carried out in an ambulance, leaving me alone at home to cry about whether she was going to be okay or not. She never was a good mother. I feel bad for saying that, I think she really tried, she just had a shitty life and I happened to be an accident so she never really knew how to deal with her consequence. She was more of a best friend than a mother. There is nothing wrong with that, I mean she has always had my back except in times where she thought I was acting unloving towards her in which was not the case. She also has borderline. When I got arrested both times, our bond really played a role in me not getting incarcerated. She helped me make up lies to make the situation seem better than it was. In my defense, my arrests were caused by me standing up for myself. My mom had always dated really shitty guys. She was so desperate for love that she even turned to Indian guys for it, I’m talking, these guys also had a “special interest” in me too (gross). She allowed it, which was appalling. The height of her dating peaked when she married for the second time to a Satanist. Not even a true Satanist, like this guy actually worshipped the Devil, man. He was extremely abusive. He taught me to be very afraid of anger. I can recall him getting real close to my face and screaming in it, followed by taking a whole load of my toys I had and throwing it in the dumpster outside. If I had attempted to go and grab them, he threatened me. He also threatened to hang himself in front of my younger sister and me, not to mention, set my mom on fire. This whole thing went on for like four years. When I was a baby, my mom did not talk to me, like most parents did, so I lost weight. I never really cried either. Later on in life, my mom had a good job, so she constantly bought me Pokemon toys, anything related to that, it was my favorite. Then she lost her job. Enough about her, for now. In middle school, I was bullied for having purple hair, and dressing “goth”. It got to be enough to the point where I really became the bully. I started to go up to guys and start beating on them. I wanted to put fear into them, so I brought a knife to school and then I got expelled. I never regretted it, at all. It changed my life. I was never really bullied again, I actually made friends through fear. I enjoyed it. However, my depression still lingered, most likely from family, so I used to cut myself all over my left arm. I still have all the scars to this day. In high school I would sometimes accept my mom’s offers of ambien, Vicodin, and weed. My personal favorite was ambien, it made me see things, and everything was like you were drunk, walking into walls and such. The effect got to be too much during the trip and I would feel super nauseous and in a lot of pain so I forced myself to sleep. Vicodin made me feel like I was dying, literally. I could not tolerate it. I took ambien so much that it actually stopped working on me, and the only effect I had was feeling nauseous and in that same amount of pain. I knew that drug could really fuck you up too, but I did not care. I have always had impulses including cheating with multiple people. Maybe it has something to do with getting love or seeking a thrill, I think that's it. At one point I had two boyfriends at the same time and disgustingly, I was open about it. When I moved away in sophomore year and switched schools, I became attached to this one guy I met who, at first treated me and lead me on as if he actually liked me. He spent time talking about his previous love, although I did not know who she was at the time. We had sex and then the next day he said we should not talk at all anymore. The day before, he called me his “Snowflake”. I felt so used. The school found out, and the next thing I knew, his previous love bombarded me with messages calling me a whore and how she was still in love with him. I then had the reputation of a slut at school. He made me swear that I would deny ever having sex with him, it was our secret. I got so tired of keeping it to protect him, and I did not want the school to think I was a liar for attention. I had the texts between us, all the proof, so I posted it for the world to see. The day he threw me away I refused to go to school, I wanted to kill myself. My friends found out and called the school, in turn, the school called my mom and she threatened to take me to the mental hospital. I have had this happen to me a few times actually, being used. Not always sexual, either. I was dated at least twice to make their ex jealous, I was just a homecoming date, which was abandoned so he could go dance with his ex anyway. Surprise, the next day I was dumped. Starting to see a pattern here, right. I had this one guy who was always trying his hardest to fuck me but I always said no, I did not want to. His excuse for dumping me was that I refused to tell him who gave me a concussion, in order to protect my family, because my cousin did. That brings me to my cousin. When I moved, I became best friends with him. Also, surprise, he has borderline too. He would spend months at a time at my place, sleeping over. We would pull all nighters watching anime until we had to go to school. When he tried to kill himself, he was sent to a mental hospital, which left me alone. I had nobody to talk to, so I started to write a journal. It helped my anxiety so much. Whenever I had anxiety at school I would open it up and write. I also started to write poetry because of him. When he got out, he made me a bracelet symbolizing our bond. It was a bracelet with blue and red hearts with black beads. I must have cut it at least five times whenever we fought, and somehow I always managed to fix it. The final straw was when he gave me a concussion, I destroyed it permanently and lost the beads. I regret it every day. He was very protective of me, and whenever I dated. He knew I got used a lot. I have had people tell me they never loved me. At some point I started to notice there was something really wrong with me. I must have been traumatized somehow. I suddenly started to make it so my room was always pitch black during the day, I would sleep as much as I could, and I was actually emotionless. I could not feel any sort of emotion; love, attachment, happiness, sadness, any sort of care. It lasted for months. I started to only be awake at night from ten at night to six in the morning during the summer. I would not deal with reality at all. I was never on my personal Facebook, I was always on my role-play Facebook making “friends” with other accounts alike. I only watched anime and that’s literally it. There was absolutely no sense of reality, I never left the house, or dealt with problems. You could not have problems if you were always asleep, right? I was very cynical I realized. I hated people, everyone. Never wanted kids, hated them. I would have disturbing thoughts. Often including gore, or violence. They never really were a problem until later in life. When I moved during my junior year to a totally different state, I was so prejudice of the people around me. I am from the Northeast, and moving down south was entirely new. I had this very clear image of “redneck” painted within my mind, and it was not a good one. It was confederate flag city down there. I literally alienated every friendship I had. I constantly rejected this one guy who liked me and tried his best to win me over. I was very clear one how I did not want friends. Oh, and guess again, I dated a guy who dumped me right after homecoming, and completely mocked me for not wanting him to talk to me while he was under the influence. He also made fun of me for being depressed. I think I was more “myself” than I had ever been down there. I wore the weirdest outfits, I drew more than I ever have in my life, and wrote at least a thousand poems and stories. I focused solely on my schoolwork and was on high honors my entire senior year. I was so proud of myself. Fast forward to post-graduation. I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and my mom had her friend prank call me all the time. She constantly harassed me, I think she was angry that I moved out and started my life. I had to change my number, and to get back at her, I cussed her out and let everyone know how horrible she was. She let my sister do drugs at just over ten years old. Eventually, my sister got taken away from her because she was depressed and started cutting herself. Now, being in an entirely different relationship, I have accomplished so many things, and been through so much shit that is way worse than high school ever was. From being treated like shit at my job, to being in a toxic relationship that I still depend on, my borderline is worse than ever. I have gotten into really violent fights with my boyfriend that have resulted in a lot of blood, broken doors, broken walls, and broken hearts. I am really attached to him, and I could not imagine him being with anyone else. He is just so unsupportive of my mental health, and just does not understand it, despite saying he does just because he looked it up. Sometimes I wish he could go through what I have to. He thinks that you can just stop anxiety. Yeah. Besides still being in love, I also depend on him to be able to use his car to get around. It has progressively gotten worse over the years. From loving each other very wholesomely and spending all our waking time together, to arguing all the time and him being out with his friends whenever possible. I’m trying my hardest. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I could not feel. He comes off as kind of suspicious. He will talk to a girl or send money to a girl and blatantly lie about it and make me seem like I am the crazy one and turns it back on me. He made up multiple stories for one incident, and frankly that makes it not add up. I always end up crawling back to him trying to get him to express his love for me. He has hit me multiple times, and slammed my head against the bathroom floor, causing me to bite my bottom lip and blood started spewing everywhere. My lip did not heal back to normal. My borderline is worse than ever. I am extremely impulsive. My moods are extreme, and never moderate. It’s either I am feeling an extreme emotion, or I am feeling absolutely nothing and empty. Everything is black and white. I either hate somebody and can love them the next minute. It is either a good day or a bad day. Nothing is ever in between, ever. I also dissociate often. What it feels like to me when it is happening is that my mind will leave reality and become very fuzzy. My eyes will unfocus themselves and become blurry and I will be completely blank, as if I am nothing but a shell of a human. Sometimes it happens while driving and can be dangerous. I do realize when I am doing it and eventually try to shake it off. I feel like I have written enough about my life story, and about me. I did not intend to make a long ass journal about my whole damn self, I wanted to make it short and sweet, but I suppose it is better this way and will give clear insight as to my back story and the reason why I am the way I am. I have literally been typing this for at least two hours now and I am so fucking tired, my eyes actually hurt and itch. I intended to get some game playing in before going to bed but it’s probably unlikely now as I have overstayed my welcome here. Thank you to whoever took the time to listen to my sob story, and welcome to my journal, and future entries. I also intend to post daily random pictures to also document my life. I figure it would be super cool. Yours, Corey

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