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bubbleteaimagines · 3 years

Text

Telling them that they’re being clingy prank

Haikyuu Boys Headcanon/Drabble

BOKUTO KOUTARO

It’s a Sunday night and Bokuto is currently over because it’s your tradition to have movie night. Anyways, we all know this baby is clingy but you don’t mind so you let him cuddle you all the time. However, halfway through the movie you get an idea. You know it’s mean but you really wanna know his reaction, so you decide to try.

“Boki-Bear?” Bokuto hums softly as you call his name and he looks up at you from his position on your lap. His head his resting between your thighs, and you already begin to feel incredibly guilty as you see his sweet face.

“Yeah babe?”

Come Y/N, you can do this. You can feel yourself mentally start to deflate.

“C-Can you...can you get off of me for a sec? You’re being kinda clingy.”

PLS HES SO SAD WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

His entire demeanor deflates, pausing to take in your words

“C-Clingy? But I thought...?”

“Please Bokuto, just for a minute,” You tell him, and he knows you’re serious because you used his last name

“O-Okay...”

Like a kicked puppy, he slowly moves away from you and pouts, moving to the other end of the couch

Every few seconds he keeps looking at you with puppy dog eyes and you can tell his feelings are actually hurt

Deciding enough was enough, you rush from your spot and practically tackle your boyfriend, immediately peppering him with kisses

“Y/N? What are you-”

“IM SORRY BABY IT WAS JUST A PRANK PLEASE FORGIVE ME I LOVE YOU SM YOURE NOT CLINGY AT ALL!”

“WAIT YOU MEAN THAT?”

Emo Bokuto™️ immediately retracts and he embraces you back, eagerly accepting your kisses

“Of course Bo, you know I love your cuddles more than anything,” You tell him 🥺

Cue your boyfriend sighing in relief

“Y/N don’t do that to me I thought you suddeny hated me or something I was so scared,” 🥺

Babyyy 🥺

You better give him all the hugs and kisses and cause nearly gave the poor baby a heart attack

OIKAWA TOORU

Oikawa has of course asked to come over because he wants to try a new face mask with you. Yes, he is the kind of boyfriend that would do this. Anyways, he called you on the phone to ask you what type you wanted and you decided it’d be perfect time for a prank.

“Actually Oikawa...I don’t think you should come over today. You’ve been kinda clingy lately and I-”

“Y/N-CHAN, WHAT~” You jumped as Oikawa dramatically gasps, and you can hear the people in the background scolding him for being so loud. There’s a moment of silence, coupled with some static and then your boyfriend is back on the phone, still shouting.

“Y/N, YOU THINK IM CLINGY? REALLY? BUT BABY~” You can practically hear him pouting on the other end and you smirk when you get an incoming FaceTime call, seeing that you were exactly right.

“I can’t believe you would say that,” Oikawa juts out his bottom lip and sighs, hanging his head, “Y/N-Chan, I thought you liked the attention,”

Pls he sounds so sad, his face is kinda out of the shot but you’re pretty sure he’s started sniffling

Awe 🥺

“Baby I do, it was just a prank!” You tell him, starting to feel a little bad, “I don’t really feel that way!”

But of course, Oikawa is petty

He hears you, but he’s upset that you’d prank him like that so he sticks his nose in the air and huffs, “That wasn’t funny, Y/N-Chan. You really hurt my feelings,” He whines

“Awe baby I’m sorry. Come over yeah and I’ll make you some milk bread,” You tell him sweetly

Oikawa instantly perks up, and a sly smile growing on his face as he looks into the camera

“Now that’s more like it. And don’t scare me like that again baby,” 😌😙

KAGEYAMA TOBIO

It’s getting late in the evening and you’re waiting for Kageyama to finish practice so he can walk you home. While you’re scrolling on your phone, you suddenly get an idea to prank him with when he’s finished. Smiling evilly, you wait to greet him like him normal and then you drop the bomb when he asks if you’re ready to go.

“Actually Tobio...I think I wanna walk home alone today. You’ve been kinda clingy and I just need some alone time.”

“Clingy?” Kageyama is definitely taken back because that’s the last word he’d ever think you’d use to describe him. Nevertheless, his brain starts to go into overdrive and he starts overthinking.

Have I really been that clingy? Was I annoying Y/N? Why would they wait this long just to tell me this?

“Have you been thinking about this all day?” He asks, and you nod

“Yeah...Kinda...”

“Oh,”

It gets really awkward and now you and Kageyama are just standing there like 🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏻 cause you don’t know what to do

You’re trying so hard not to laugh cause Kageyama really looks concentrated, probably trying to figure out where he went wrong

“Was it...was it because I asked you to bring me some milk like 5 times today?” He finally says

You bite your lip, “No, it was just like, in general. Don’t worry about it though. We can try again tomorrow,”

“Oh okay,”

At this point you’re literally doing all you can not scream cause TOBIO? READ THE ROOM? That sounded absolutely ridiculous but he still didn’t pick up

“Well...I still gotta go so and I don’t want you to be alone...” He shuffles awkwardly beside you, “Do you mind if I...walk behind you?”

“Awe Tobio,” He still wants to make sure you’re safe and that makes your heart melt

Nodding gently, you decide to drop the act and tell him the truth

“It was just a prank, baby. You’re not really clingy,” You tell him, chuckling at his expression

Kageyama goes from shocked, to thinking again, and then finally to annoyed as he lets out a huff

“Not funny, Boke,” He grumbles, causing you to giggle

“Can’t believe you fell for that Tobio. If anything I’m the clingy one,” You tell him

“Damn right,” Kageyama scoffs, “You texted me fifteen times during practice!”

“Hey! I was just seeing when you were gonna finished,” You defended yourself

“And you sent me memes. And recipes,” He points out

“Oh whatever!”

You scoff as you take his hand, walking next to him as close as possible and even asking if you can have his jacket because it smelled like him, “I’m not clingy!”

#bokuto x reader #bokuto koutarou #oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru #kageyama x reader #kageyama tobio #hq x reader #hq fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!

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mashiraostail · 4 years

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I've been having a lot more depressive episodes lately.(dw, im getting help) But, can i have Nemuri and Aizawa comforting a s/o who just had a depressive episode? You don't have to do it if you're not comfortable with the topic, but if you do thank you so much

Thanks for the request! I can do this for sure and I hope it helps! As someone who is also depressed I put some lil tidbits from my own struggles in here (specifically the gargantuous amount of energy turning the shower knob can take me and how that simple action has literally stopped me showering for weeks) If you’re struggling right now please remember to extend your body the same kindness you so consistently extend to other people!! Even by sitting here reading my writing you’re being so amazingly kind to me!! Project that back onto yourself and give yourself a reward, a glass of water at your favorite temperature, or even a snack if you can stomach it! It’s easy to drown ourselves in comfort content and neglect tangible acts of self love but I promise the energy will be worth it!

Nemuri: It’d been a while since Nemuri heard from you, and even longer since she’s seen you, which was rare. You didn’t drop off the face of the planet or anything but you had been evading her invitations to go out or even just to spend a night with her. She wanted to avoid showing up unannounced but it was becoming concerning. The last thing she wanted was to make you think she didn’t trust you or to startle you, but whenever she brought it up you brushed her off. She hated the idea of you being sick or even just swamped with work all alone when she was more than capable of helping you out. Eventually she just decides to show up, she texts you first but you don’t even appear to open it, she just had a bad feeling and if hero-work taught her anything it was to always trust a bad feeling. She knocks on your front door for a while to no avail, ringing the bell intermittently, she’s just met with silence. Her key works which at least is a good sign that you didn’t pack up and move across the country or something. “Hello??” She wanders into the apartment. It’s dark and radio silent. But there are dishes in the sink, your shoes strewn around the entryway and your bag on the table. “You here??” You were definitely here, your car keys were on the couch and your usual walking around sneakers...or. one of them was underneath the coffee table. She decides to check your bedroom. “I’m gonna open the door okay?? If you aren’t decent now’s the time to say it don’t freak out at me okay?? I’m opening the door now.” She opens the door with covered eyes. “Hello?” She peeks between her fingers and is greeted with the sight of you, or the lump that is probably you, curled up underneath your duvet. “Nemuri.” Your head pokes up overtop your pile of pillows and the fluff of your comforter. “Well hello!” She piques, clearly relieved to see you, “good morning to you sleeping beauty, though it is 4 in the afternoon.” She pushes the door open the rest of the way and enters the room. “What’s up?” She leans against your dresser, “where have you been?” “Where does it look like I’ve been?” You sigh. “What’re you a vampire or something now? Decided to go fully nocturnal?” She grins but you don’t mimic her amusement. “What’s wrong babe? I’ve done like 4 things that you would have laughed at by now. Something’s obviously wrong. I texted you and called but you didn’t reply...are you upset with me? This isn’t how you normally act when you’re upset with me...” She wrings her hands together, “normally you come to see me all the time, I’m not saying you have to be inseparable from me or anything but...well this just isn’t like you..if I made you mad I’d rather you tell me babe since I’m clueless..” You sigh, suddenly feeling guilty for your radio silence for the past few days and the increasing distance you’d put between the pair of you for the past week or so now. It was intentional you just shut down and you didn’t mean to but everything was a chore, even the things you loved, sometimes especially the things you loved. “No...it’s not you.” “Well I’m...” She looked confused, “I’m glad to hear that but I’m still kinda lost. Are you sick? Did someone else make you upset? If someone else is giving you problems you need to tell me.” Having the green light gets her to venture further into your bedroom and sit on the edge of your mattress, “I can set some people straight if that’s the problem.” “No it’s..nobody...no one is giving me any trouble that’s not it.” You also suddenly feel sort of stupid. You don’t even know what put this on. One day you were fine and the next you were worse, and then next was worse and the next was worse than that until you ended up where you were now. In bed 5 days removed of a shower where your one meal of the day consisted of a plain bagel sometimes toasted other times not. “No one?” She reaches out and holds the bend of your knees, “are you sure?” You nod. “Okay then...well what is it? I wanna help but you’ve gotta let me know how.” “I just...” You scrub your face, “I just...it’s been a really bad week or..2 weeks or..however long. I don’t know. I feel so depressed and exhausted and everything is annoying and tiring and no matter how much I sleep I can’t seem to stay awake.” She takes in a breath at that and nods with it. “Oh. OH. Well now I feel stupid pulling away so much. I just didn’t wanna be overbearing and offend you or..well...well what’s up? What set all this on? Did something happen to...to make you feel upset or?” “I don’t know...I just think I haven’t been taking good enough care of myself. I’ve been slacking and procrastinating and then I got overwhelmed and then I got upset and now...I’m here. I just feel like such an idiot and now to think I made you think I was upset with you because I was too-” “Don’t even finish that sentence.” Nemuri shushes you, “it’s alright. Really you don’t have to feel bad about that. I get it, I understand now so it’s okay. I’m sorry for making it about me.” Her hand moves up to squeeze your thigh. “I wanna do everything I can to help okay? Whatever I can do to help you come out on top with this thing...” Her other hand squeezes your lower arm, “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me with this sort of thing okay? We don’t have to get into the...deep emotional part of it if you don’t wanna talk about that with me. But we can start small can’t we? When’s the last time you had something to drink?” She looks at the empty glasses on your bedside table. “And when’s the last time you ate or took a shower?” The face you make at that tells her more than enough. “Okay you don’t have to answer that.” She reaches out tuck your hair back but you flinch away from it, the last thing she need to feel was your dirty hair. “Come on with that.” She sighs, “I don’t think you’re gross. I’m not grossed out at all okay? I promise. I’ve had my fair share of shower protests. It’s in the job description, no ones perfect. I love you, smelly or not. Now hold still and let me give you a kiss.” You relent at that. She presses a long kiss to your temple, sighing into your skin, “I’m sorry you feel this way. I don’t wan you to feel this way ever..so let’s start small.. How about a nice bath, yeah? I’ll set one up for you you can soak in it for a bit, while you do that I’ll clean up around here, change your sheets and...work on that.. situation.. in the sink, then when you’re ready I’ll come wash your hair for you. After that you can relax in the bath a little more, shave if that’s something that will make you feel good, or I could put some conditioner in your hair. Or you can just sit in a nice warm bath with a cold bottle of water and get your energy back up. I’ll get you some real food in the mean time.” She doesn’t poke or prod for information, she washes your hair with the same care and consideration that went into most of the things she did, she didn’t ask to join you, or to stay. She asked if you wanted to be alone for a little bit longer and left you to it when you confessed that you did only poking in to leave ‘the comfiest looking pajamas I could find’ for when you were done cleaning up. You manage to get yourself up and out of the bath without having to call for the help or extra motivation to do it. She only looks delighted to see you. “How’d the bath go? Did I use enough bubbles?” “It was nice..I didn’t realize how..far gone I was..I feel better..” You rub your arm, if she’s at all perturbed by your confession it’s not detectable. “Yeah?? I had a feeling it would help. Now come here. I really want a hug.” She pats the empty bed beside her and you make your way over. “Good, there you are.” She wraps her arms around you and sighs, “I missed you.” She tucks you easily into her chest, her free hand scratching the nape of your neck, “don’t apologize for that.” She stops you before you can talk. “I ordered some food from that place you like. I wanted to make something so you could get some food in you a little faster but...you’re running a little low on raw materials.” She combs her fingers through your wet hair, “it’s okay though having your favorite might make you feel a little better.” “Yeah..thanks for being here.” You close your eyes, still exhausted but your chest felt lighter, your whole body felt lighter. “Of course. I only wish I came sooner but...” She pulls back and looks at you, holding the base of your skull in her hands, “I get wanting to be alone sometimes. Needing space to get your feet on the ground is normal but...don’t be afraid to ask for my help either. If there ever is a time that you want me here, need me here even...I want to be here. I know I can rely on you so I hope you know you can rely on me too.” She presses a long kiss to your forehead at that. “I think I’ll feel a lot better tomorrow.” Your voice is quiet and your fingers brush against her collarbone. “That’s good.” Her palm pulls your hair off your forehead, “in the meantime I’ll be here to help you get there.”

Aizawa: Aizawa was an introvert himself. He liked being around other people at times of course but sometimes he just needed a quiet room to recharge. He figured you did too, and plus you were both plenty busy. For the most part he trusted your judgement and tended to not be very insecure when it came to how much time you spent together. He liked being around you, and would rather be with you than not for the most part but he understood probably better than anyone what exhaustion can do to a person. If you were tired then you could recharge. That being said he wouldn’t avoid you if he saw you out and about, and he saw you out and about. It was actually late for you to be out, late for anyone to be out really. You were leaving a convince store and he was getting ready to call it a night with patrolling. “Hey.” The way you jump out of your skin at his voice tells him he maybe should have approached you with noisier steps. “Sorry.” “It’s okay.” You clutch the bag you were holding, “I just thought I was getting mugged is all.” “You think there are criminals running around when I’m out here? I don’t know if I should be insulted.” He teases a little and you jump. “That isn’t how I meant-” “I know.” He chuckles, “I know. What are you doing out so late? It’s almost midnight.” “I...had to get some stuff.. You bounce nervously on the balls of your feet, the last thing you needed was him seeing you like this. It was the first time you’d gone out in like 2 weeks, you were sure you looked as terrible as you felt. “You don’t look very happy to see me.” Ever intuitive. You supposed you didn’t keep it much of a secret, the first thing you did whenever you saw him was reach out for him, his hand, his arm, his waist, you just wanted to touch. Or normally you did, but now all you wanted to do was get away. “I’m just...exhausted. Sorry I am happy to see you. I’m always happy to see you.” You rub your eyes, “like you said, it’s late.” “It is late.” He agrees, “I’m finished here.” “O-oh that’s good..are you hurt at all?” “No, slow night...but.. why don’t we spend the night together? Since we’re both here.” He didn’t need to see the state of your apartment. “U-uh okay yeah we can go to yours..” “You’re closer.” He raises his eyebrows, letting his goggles fall around his neck, “and you just bought stuff. I’m assuming it’s for your apartment not mine.” He peeks into the bag, “I don’t remember sending you a midnight shopping list.” “W-well yeah but there’s school tomorrow and you’re closer so it’s probably easier for you and-” “You’re an extra five minutes out.” He laughs at that, “and unless you trashed all my things in the week I went without seeing you I have plenty of stuff to wear at your place.” “Y-yeah I mean..that is true.” He raises one eyebrow at you, “so?” You couldn’t think of a good reason to say no, the mountain of dishes in your sink, the full washer and dryer and 2 baskets of unfolded laundry didn’t seem like an excuse, especially considering it was knowledge you wanted to withhold from him in the first place. “Y-yeah sure..it has been a while.” “Alright, let’s go then.” He reaches out and takes your bags from you batting your hand away as you try to stop him. “You’ve been working-” “I got it. It’s fine come on. You really shouldn’t be out so late by yourself you know.” “You’re probably right..” You murmur, making to follow him down the road. He doesn’t pry about your jittery state, he asks a few question about how your day went and seems to back down even more when you take a hold of his arm on your walk. “It really is slow tonight.” He looks around, “at least you picked a good night for a midnight excursion.” He nudges you a little playfully and you hum. You wanted to be more engaging but every step brought you closer to the impending doom that would be Shota seeing the abysmal state in which you were living. Once you get to the front door you realized you didn’t have your keys. “I...” You look at your shoes and he leans against the wall. “What’s up?” “I don’t have my keys..” “You really are lucky you ran into me.” He straightens up and shifts the bags to one arm to fish around in his pocket, “I’ve got one. Are you feeling alright?” You don’t reply because...well he’d figure it out. “Please don’t say anything rude.” You warble mostly to yourself as the lock clicks, he pushes the door open. “What do you mean don’t say anything rude, why would I-” He clicks the light on as he steps inside. Oh it’s worse than you remembered. How’d your laundry get to the couch? And why did you get a new glass every time you wanted water? Especially when you didn't drink it half the time. Everything is clearer in hindsight. “Oh.” He sets the bags down on the coffee table, which is really the only clear surface in a 10 foot radius of him. “I’m sorry.” You groan, slumping into the wall and scrubbing your face, “I’m so gross-” “I didn’t say that...But let me ask again.” He turns to you, “are you feeling alright?” “Not really no..” You look down again and he starts to pick up some of the glasses. “The sink isn’t any better..” You warn him, hugging your chest. “Yeah I figured.” He turns to you, arms full of various aspects of your mess. “Don’t look so guilty. Come on.” He nods you towards your kitchen, you figure the least you can do is pick up a few spoons, bowls and glasses on your way in. “You don’t have to clean up after my stupid mess I-” “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He shakes his head, “you don’t feel good. I wish you’d said something sooner. I would have come when you asked.” “Don’t feel bad.” You murmur, “I wasn’t ready anyways.” “Come here.” He holds an arm out and you cringe, “I probably smell terrible I haven’t-” “It’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m not holding any of this against you, no one is. Come on. Over here.” So you shuffle into his chest, eventually wrapping tired arms around his ribs. “Does this help?” He’s rubbing long strokes up your back, his palm his firm against you every stroke pushing you a little closer. You just nod into his chest. “Did something happen? Did someone upset you? Or are you just having a hard time right now?” “I’m just having a hard time.” You reply, trying not to let your voice sound to wet or warbly. “Cry if you want to. If you need to. It’s okay. I won’t hold that against you either. Sometimes the best thing you can do is cry. I’ll be here for you while you do.” It’s not loud hiccup-y sobs, you aren’t bawling and sniffling. It sounds just as tired as the rest of you, it’s listless and exhausted and downright empty. It honestly hurt him to hear it a little. He’s been there too. One hand holds the back of your head the other keeps running those lines up your back pressing between your shoulder blades. “What do you think about taking a shower?” His fingers glide along the hem of your tee shirt, grazing your neck lightly. “It’s not that I don’t want to-” “I know. Hey, I know.” He pulls you away and slicks your hair back, “but you’re neglecting your body right now. Even if you don’t mean to. Your skin and hair will be really thankful for a shower right now. How can I help you get there?” He takes you to the bathroom and carefully undresses you going as far to turn the shower nob for you. “Sit if you need to.” He reminds you, gathering your clothes off the ground, “I’m going to leave the door open so call me if there’s anything you can’t do, but I’ll come check on you in 10 minutes okay? Is there anything you don’t want me touching or cleaning without you? Is there anything that’s off limits?” “No...it’s okay...I just feel bad you’ve been working and now-” “Don’t feel bad. I’m not doing anything that you wouldn’t do for me. Take your shower, I’ll come back in a few minutes after I fold up the laundry out here. Try to stay focused.” “Thank you.” You nod and squeezes your shoulder. “You’re welcome. And thank you for trusting me.” He helps you out of the shower and wraps you in a towel. In the time you’d spent in the shower he’d gotten most of your dishes into the dish washer and you could see your couch again. “New sheets.” He kisses your temple, “you ready to go to sleep?” You nod as he tosses a tee shirt to you. “Tomorrow morning you’re gonna eat a good breakfast with me right?” “I don’t really have much to cook with-” “We’ll make it work.” He leans back against the pillows, “don’t worry about it now. Right now just focus on getting some sleep, real genuinely restful sleep. Wake me up if you need me.”

#tw depression #aizawa shouta x reader #aizawa x reader #nemuri kayama x reader #midnight x reader #nemuri kayama #aizawa shouta #aizawa #bnha hc #bnha x reader #bnha request

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r6sedust · 4 years

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imma post this here but here is the fanfic i worked on that i havent updated since,,,,june-

im just posting it here so maybe i can get some motivation to continue it so yeah

if i do, im gonna change the description of the book cause i can :)

____________________________________________

Finding Hope

Wednesday, 3:46 AM

Gandra laid in her pull out sofa aimlessly staring at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep. She didn't want to sleep. She didn't know why, but she just didn't. She felt as if, she needed to do something. 'Probably just need to do some work', she thought. She let out a sigh and got up from her semi-comfortable bed and went into her "lab" (which was really just a closet in her hallway that was big enough to fit a desk in).

Gandra reached the off budget lab and went to work. She had been there for about twenty five minutes, and let's just say that she spent fifteen minutes zoning out and five minutes actually working. She had no clue what was up. Usually she'd be a hundred percent focused on any project she was working on, but this time was different. She then huffed and forced herself to focus on it. Still didn't work. She still had that panging feeling of needing to do something, but the question was what? She shook her head and grabbed her phone, giving a sign that she was taking a break. She blindly scrolled through her social media just to get bored of it quickly. She then tried playing Beak's Crush, a really stupid mobile game that was already preinstalled into the phone. Of course, Gandra didn't really like the game, but she would play it on rare occasions just to pass time. That also got boring quickly. She then finds herself scrolling through literally any and every app on her phone. She stumbled into her messages and scrolls from top to bottom and lazily reading the names and the little preview of the last message sent from each person. She then skims a name that made her eyebrows furrow. "Suit ;)" is what it read. She hesitantly clicked on the messages to see what they last talked about.

May 16, 2019

Suit ;) : Hello again! I would like to say thank you for finding interest in my work. I honestly can't wait to work with you. Not to be creepy or anything! Anyway, what is your address? So I can pick you up I mean.

You: lol, its 4539 Cod Street

Suit ;): Oh okay! I'll be there in about 20 minutes, sorry if that's too long.

You: lol, im fine w/ that

Suit ;): Oh that's good.. I'll see you there!

Read at 6:37 PM

Gandra dropped the phone on the table and sighed, propping her arm on the table and resting her chin on her hand. She hasn't communicated with him since that day. The day he invited her to his lab. The day where she was assigned a mission by Beaks to steal his pass code. The day where he shattered her expectations. Sure, she did help him in the end when Beaks attacked him, but that was only because she had been wanting to kick his butt since they met.

'And you couldn't stand by and see Fenton get hurt'

She shook her head. 'No, that's not it' , she thought. She sat back in her chair and rolled her eyes. She thinks he's neat, yes, but that's because he ended up being more interesting than she expected. Instead of a dorky pencil pusher, she got to hang out with a dorky, yet pretty charismatic guy. But that was all, nothing more nothing less.

And then the feeling comes back.

It was stronger this time, like as strong to make you groan out of frustration or curse out loud. It was almost as if the feeling had manifested a voice due to it's growth in strength. It was like some sort of mumbling, not too distinguishable but not total gibberish. But it was for sure annoying.'You gotta do it...' it would say, 'you need to...' it would add. She curled into herself in the chair in an attempt to block out the voice. It was really starting to get on her nerves as it got louder. 'You gotta go s... you need to tell him.... tell him s.... tell him sorr... sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry-

Go apologize!'

Gandra immediately stood up at that last thought. She crossed her arms with a sigh and looked down at the floor as a new emotion began to come over. Guilt. She felt guilty and hated it. She hated how she actually felt guilty about this. It nearly made her want to throw her chair across the pretty cramped room. What made her hate it the most was how she couldn't help it. She couldn't control the feeling and that's what made everything worse. She tried with every ounce of her mind but it didn't work. It somehow made her guilt grow stronger, too strong to even ignore at this point. She walked out of the lab and slammed the door behind her as a sign of defeat. She had no other choice but to apologize and get it over with. 'Just get him a fruit basket, say you' re sorry, and go home' she thought. She nodded to herself and was thinking about getting ready until she realized...

She didn't know his address.

And it was the middle of the night.

Oh well, finding his address would be easy, but he probably wouldn't be in a great mood if she woke him up in the middle of the night just to say sorry. No normal person does. Although, Fenton isn't really all that normal.

Nonetheless, she decided to do it tomorrow. So she hopped back in her pull out sofa and just laid there with her thoughts, knowing that she won't be able to fall back asleep soon. She lies down with her hands under her head and stares blankly at the ceiling. Tomorrow was kind of eventful, but how eventful could it get?

#ducktales #ducktales 2017 #gandra dee #dt gandra #fendra

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greennightspider · 6 years

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The Cabin in the Snow (Chapter 2)

M’Baku x OC (Akari)

Summary: M’Baku and Akari get stuck in a snowstorm in a cabin during an assignment. What’s a couple of Jabari warriors to do? This fic is based on M’Baku a short time before he became the leader of the Jabari Tribe.

Authors Note: Hunniiiiies I am playing the long game with this one so lemme know if you wanna be tagged or untagged in future chapters I do not mind. But just in case the notification apocalypse is still going ill try and update chapter links to make things easier. :D Enjoy!

Chapter 1 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

@readsalot73 @skysynclair19

“Huh?”

“You heard me Akari.” M’Baku moved slowly towards her with strong, deliberate steps. “Undress.”

“Woah woah woah woah.” Akari may have been a little out of it due to the onset of hypothermia, but she hadn’t lost ALL sense. “M’Baku look, you’re great and all but I don’t think this is the right ti-

“Now Akari. I will not ask again.”

Akari gulped at his tone. She decided that despite everything that annoyed her about his everyday demeanour, she actually did like jokester M’Baku better than serious M’Baku. And she would give anything right now for him to crack into his signature smile and say he was kidding.

No such luck.

“M’Baku wait-

“Akari, you look like a chocolate popsicle. And I think you are most likely in the final stages of hypothermia. You need to undress so that we can warm you up, just like we were taught in class.”

Of course M’Baku would remember that class out of all the things they had learned.

Of course all of the boys paid attention when the teacher started talking about how the best way to treat someone with hypothermia is through body heat. Which of course worked best when both people were naked.

Akari distinctly remembered M'Baku hollering the loudest that class. Surrounded by his boys, M'Baku was leaning back in his chair with elbows outstretched towards the desk behind him, almost in a throne-like position. They had all started laughing and howling the signature Jabari growl as the teacher tried to calm them down to no avail. Akari rolled her eyes and glared at him and his posse from her seat in the front corner of the room, while she noted most of the girls who belonged to his fan club giggling and trying not to look eager.

However, there was no sign of that M'Baku now. Right now he looked as straight-faced as ever, his onyx eyes filled with concern and worry. Which meant she probably looked in really bad shape.

Akari relented, slowly standing up and unwrapping the blanket around her. M'Baku outstretched his hand but realized his mistake when Akari drew back and stuttered out “I-Im fine M'Baku I can do it myself.”

For all of her usual strong demeanour, M'Baku couldn’t help this shy bashful Akari peaked his interest. And if things weren’t intriguing enough, M'Baku couldn’t hide his expression….when he saw Akari’s clothes hit the floor.

She was wearing a plain black sports bra and matching boyshorts, however they did nothing but accentuate her already full curves. Her nipples were already peaking through the tight fabric because of the cold, but also because Akari was sporting a full chest that she had usually kept hidden under loose clothing. Her hips flared out into her underwear that sat on her thick thighs, and M'Baku almost swore at the sight of her. He knew he was probably the only guy in their class. Her big brown eyes weren’t helping as they stared at him so innocently, however her chattering teeth and blue lips brought him back to reality.

Reign it in Baku, reign it in.

“Akari, I know you might not like what I’m going to say, but you’re going to have to take your bra off too.”

“What??!”

“Look Akari, body heat is the only way we are going to make sure you don’t end up frozen to death, and your bra is in the way.” he explained, gesturing to her chest. “Its gonna need to come off if I’m going to heat you up properly.”

“Oh don’t worry, you’re doing a fine job of that already.” She snarked.

Wait. What did she just say?

“Huh?” Akari responded, as M'Baku didn’t realise he’d said what he did out loud. But seeing that Akari couldn’t even keep track of the conversation, there was no time for discussion.

“Please Akari just get into the bed and then take your bra off under the covers. I promise I won’t look.” M'Baku pleaded. He couldn’t believe he was actually begging a woman to get into bed with him. One who was half delusional and was still giving him a hard time.

Squinting her eyes at M'Baku and holding her shoulders Akari sauntered towards the bed, almost diving under the covers like a molerat. He watched as she wiggled and squirmed under the covers most ungracefully until finally an arm popped out, holding a bra.

M'Baku took it and placed the soaked fabric beside their clothes that he draped over the benches near the fire. They both only had one set of clothes since this wasn’t supposed to be an overnight mission, therefore they needed to dry their clothes overnight so that they’d at least have something to wear tomorrow.

M'Baku then made his way back to the bed and grabbed the rest of the furs, making sure to spread most of them on her side before diving under the covers himself.

While Akari was doing her utmost best to try and curl herself up under the furs into a shy ball, M'Baku was having none of it. This girl was his partner, and he wasn’t gonna lie and say he didn’t feel guilty about their situation right now. He wasn’t about to let Akari freeze to death just because of a little modesty.

M'Baku slowly shuffled his way towards her so that his stomach grazed her lower back, making her flinch. Slowly but surely he moved his left hand beside her so he was half-towering her, and before Akari could comprehend what was happening he quickly dug into her side, wrapping his arm around her waist and spinning her around. In a shrieking frenzy Akari’s arms unlocked from her chest, but M'Baku took no time in pulling her flush against him so that he couldn’t see anything. And also so that he didn’t have to deal with shy Akari turning into raging Akari.

And Akari would have have struggled if not for the fact that as soon as she touched M'Baku’s skin she realised how cold she actually was. She soon calmed down and to M’Baku’s surprise started to snuggle more into him. When she was finally comfortable M'Bakus left hand was resting on the small of Akari’s lower back, while his right arm cradled her head into himself. Akari had settled on pressing her hands flush against M'Bakus upper body, feeling M’Baku’s heartbeat pulsing into her hand. M'Baku managed to entwine their legs together as he tried to concentrate on warming up the ice cold body in his arms. She was still shivering in his hold which made him instinctively pull her tighter against him, and to his surprise Akari responded by snuggling into him, burying his face into her chest.

For all of M'Bakus level-headedness in this situation, there were some things that M'Baku couldn’t’ve prepared for. He couldn’t’ve predicted how Akari’s hair would entice him, smelling sweetly of coconuts as her bun lay just below his chin. How Akari’s soft supple curves that lay underneath his fingertips were the complete opposite of his hardened arms and torso. Or how as she lay flat against him he could feel her hardened nipples perked from the cold rubbing against his chest, her full breasts squeezed against him between her arms. M'Baku thanked Hanuman that he was too tired and too cold, otherwise right now he would’ve definitely had a boner.

That was until Akari looked up at him with her doe-like eyes and brought him out of his thoughts for the second time that night. “M'Baku?”

“Yes?” M'Baku said as he maneuvered his neck and chin to look down at her, wondering what possible conversation Akari wanted to start now.

“Thank you.”

Okay. NOW M'Baku was sure he had lost Akari to the cold.

Not that he thought Akari was incapable of kindness or being nice. Hell she was one of the nicest people in class on a good day. However he was sure that if she was in her right state of mind, thanking him for getting them lost in the middle of the most important assignment of the winter would not be on her to do list.

“There is really nothing to thank me for.” M’Baku shrugged, a tinge of sadness and guilt staining his last words. “Just get some rest.”

Expecting her to retreat back into his chest, M’Baku almost felt himself freeze over when the girl in his arms drew herself up to his face and softly placed her lips onto his.

He was still in a state of shock when Akari sought to slowly deepen the kiss, softly massaging his bottom lip then top lip with her own. While he was still trying to process what was going on, M’Baku’s instincts took over, his lips returning her ministrations on their own. Her softness beckoned him, inviting him to get lost in her affections until she slowly retreated, almost drawing M’Baku with her as he leaned forward. She met her forehead with his until with a smile she said in a sleepy voice,

“No. Thank you M’Baku. For looking after me.”

M’Baku didn’t know what to say, as he looked into her eyes and saw that even if it was just the hypothermia, Akari had meant every word. He silently watched as she finally returned to her position underneath his collarbone, and made sure to draw up the blankets and furs around her arms where they had slid off from their encounter.

M’Baku didn’t know why, but he hugged her even tighter to his chest as the exhaustion of the trip lulled them both into a deep sleep.

#m'baku fanfic #m'baku fanfiction #m'baku x oc #m'baku #mbaku fanfic #mbaku fanfiction #mbaku x oc #the cabin in the snow #greennightspider #black panther fanfiction #black panther fanfic

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autowrite · 5 years

Text

Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af. I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea. Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t. I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed, it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it, have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside, but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good

#ardennes #automaticwriting #autowrite #morningpages

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faunaspirit · 7 years

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VOLTRON AU High School

This is my first time writing a fan fiction, but I felt pretty inspired after seeing @chiouart post some pretty Voltron art of the Paladins as high schoolers. I hope you like it, I might write more!

Shiro - Senior; 18(early bday) Allura - Senior; 17 (moved up a grade) Keith - Junior; 16 Lance - Junior; 16 Hunk - Junior; 16 Pidge - Junior; 14 (moved up 2 grades could’ve been 3 but she liked her lame ass friends) Coran - Graduated; 20 (is the super chill older kid who works part time by the high school)

-It’s finals week and top Paladins of Altea High are currently relaxing at their usual spot in Sals Diner; Coran just started his shift so they’re all eager to annoy him as they study for upcoming exams-

Lance: I’m totally flunking out in Altean Lit guys, I don’t even how I’m supposed to pass the dumb test. Pidge: *mildly annoyed* You could try studying like the rest of us Lance.. Hunk: Lance have you even read the book? Lance: Wait, what there’s a book!? Keith: *deep sigh* What did you even think the test was on? Pidge: If he didn’t spend all class staring at the back of Nymas head maybe he wouldn’t be struggling. I swear I don’t even know how you’re in the advanced class! Lance: *blushing* I don’t spend all class staring at Nymas head! She just happens to sit in front of me.. Keith: *rolling his eyes* Ok so who’s got the better grade in Altean Lit because I’m in the Galra Lit class.. Pidge: *mildly defeated*Hunks pretty good at Altean but we should wait for Allura considering she has the top grades in the whole school. Hunk: Don’t worry about it Pidge, that’ll definitely be you next year. *Coran walks to the young Paladins table* Coran: What’ll it be today guys? Pidge: Vanilla Shake. Hunk: Chocolate Sundae, and a side of large fries. Lance: Blueberry Lemonade. Keith: Strawberry Shake. Coran: Alrighty, you know you could have said the usual considering you get the same thing every time. Pidge: Goodpoint. *the rest of them nod in realization* Coran: So where is Allura and Shiro? Lance and Keith: *annoyed inflections* Senior duties.. Pidge: *chuckling at the word duty* I know Allura was helping the yearbook club finalize designs for the cover. Hunk: Yeah, and Shiro stayed after football practice to go over next games plays with coach Ulaz. Coran: Ah, I see. Well they shouldn’t be long now, I’m gonna put in your order. *Coran walks away and as he does the doors to Diner doors open to reveal Allura and Shiro entering, they approach the table* Allura: How’s the studying coming along? Lance: *pushing Keith* Saved you a seat Princess ! Allura: Lance how many times have I told you Allura is just fine, we are friends aren’t we? Lance: *slightly defeated by the word Friend* *Shiro takes a seat next to Keith and Allura sits next to Pidge* Shiro: *he takes in a deep sigh but still smiles* *Everyone looks over to him a slight look of concern* Keith: Is something wrong Shiro? Shiro: *slight pause* This is Allura and I’s last year at Altea High.. Allura: *smiles gently in his direction* Shiro: We’ve achieved so much already but there’s a lot left unknown, *to the group* I want you guys to keep putting your all into your time here, one day we’ll all be attending Voltron University and maybe even someday form Voltron ourselves. I’m so proud of you guys.. Pidge: Lance is flunking Altean Lit. Lance: Shut up Pidge, I’m not completely flunking ! Shiro: Well I’m no Altean scholar but what parts of the book are you struggling with? Keith: *mildly amused* He hasn’t even read the book.. Shiro and Allura: Lance! Hunk: *chuckling*I’m pretty sure if there’s a question where you need to draw the back of Nymas head he’ll pass. Pidge and Keith: Nice one. Shiro: *looking at Allura* You got this? Allura: *looking towards a puppy faced Lance* I guess… Lance take out the book I’m gonna go over it with you, *Coran interrupts with food* Coran: *smiling* Looks like you’re all here now, Shakes for Pidge and Keith, Sundae and Fries for Hunk, Lemonade for Lance, strawberry Jello for Allura, and tall iced green tea for Shiro. Allura: Awe thank you Coran for remembering. Shiro: Thanks Coran you can put it on my card today. Allura: You’re too kind Shiro, Coran just put it on my tab. Shiro: Allura you always treat us, now it’s my turn. Allura: It’s really no trouble Shiro, you work hard for your money it’s really no trouble to treat my friends. *the young paladins watch the two go back and forth* Keith: We’re all super broke but it shouldn’t be all on one person I’m sure we can all cover what we ordered individually. *Shiro and Allura glare at Keith before they continue on who will pay the bill* Pidge: How about you split it ? Allura and Shiro: Sounds good to me. Keith: *still feeling wounded from glares he received a moment ago* Shiro: I’ll cover Hunk and Keith as a treat from their captain. Allura: I’ll take Pidge and Lance as a treat from the robotics club president. Coran: Alright then, I’ll leave you guys to your studying. Have fun guys. *Coran walks away and the paladins begin there studies* Hunk: Here Allura maybe my notes will help you with Lance. Allura: Thank you Hunk, ok Lance time to focus. When’s your test? Pidge: Tomorrow. Up to Chapter 12. Allura: Tomorrow?! Lance how could you leave this to the last minute. Lance: *feeling guilty* Well I mean I had two swimming competitions and then all the practice and then Hunk and I had to finish the preliminary designs for Engineering. Allura: Ugh fine Lance let’s go through these notes. Pidge: Hunk you needed help with History right? Hunk: Yeah, I had food poisoning when my class went over the lesson on Zarkon. Keith: Oh Pidge and I are in advanced the advanced history class. Maybe our notes will help boost your grade. Pidge: You should probably look through my notes, Keith’s is mostly bad pictures. Keith: *embarrassed* They help me remember, it’s not like I’m bad at the class. Pidge: That’s true Keith got a better score than me on our last test. Shiro: Woah nice job Keith, I’m proud of you! Keith: *uncontrollable smiling* I mean it’s like you said Shiro “Patience yields focus”. Shiro: I’m glad you remembered that, *Leans forward to look at Lance* maybe it could help some others with their studies. Lance: I’m trying really, aren’t I doing well so far Allura. Allura: He’s not as absent minded as I thought, he should be ready for his test tomorrow by the time we finish going over chapter 12. Shiro: That’s good, as long as we work together there’s no reason any of us should fall behind. *The Paladins continue their studies until the sun had already set* Shiro: I’m thinking we should call it a night, anyone need a ride home? Pidge: My moms dropping off Lance and Hunk. *Pidges phone rings* Pidge: Oh that’s her, cmon guys. *Hunk, Lance and Pidge all step from their booth seats* Hunk: Later guys, see you tomorrow. Lance: See ya tomorrow oh and Allura thanks for the help I’m totally gonna beat Pidge and Hunks scores tomorrow. *Everyone laughs as Lance makes his annoyed exit, Pidge and Hunk Exit behind him* Shiro: Allura do you have a ride? *Coran interrupting* Coran: I actually just finished up, so I’ll take her home. Allura: Thanks Coran, *she winks* maybe next time Shiro. Shiro: *lets out an embarrassed chuckle* C'mon Keith I’ll drop you off, you’re on my way home anyway. Keith: Oh, sure. I actually my bike with me, do you think I can fit in the back? Shiro: Yeah no problem. *Coran, Allura, Shiro, and Keith all exit Sals together making their way to different cars* Allura: *she shouts from the other side of the small parking lot*See you tomorrow, goodluck on your exams! Shiro: *Smiling he waves back to her and enters his car* You got it Princess ! Keith: *waves and enters the passenger seat of Shiros Car* -The next week- *Paladins sit at a lunch table in the cafeteria together* Pidge: *smirking* So what’d you get Lance? Hunk: Yeah I want to see this cause that test was harder than I thought, I only got an 84. Pidge: I got an 89. Shiro: *he smiles proudly* Nice job you guys. Allura: Well Lance, we’re waiting.. *Lance dramatically whips out the tests from his bag* Lance: 91! I read ahead and answered the bonus question ! Woo beat that Keith! Keith: *confused* Im not even in Altean Lit.. Shiro: *shocked* Wow Lance nice job, I guess we should be expecting more from you. Lance: Wait, no way I’m not gonna study any more than I already do! Hunk: Lance you don’t really ever study. Lance: Exactly. This is all Keith’s fault. Keith: *annoyed* I’m not even in your class! -End-

#this is my first fanfic I have no idea what I'm doing pls #lord have mercy #voltron #voltron legendary defender #voltron shiro #keith kogane #galra keith #lance mcclain #klance #shallura #allura #voltron coran #voltron pidge #pidge gunderson #hunk garrett #takashi shirogane #fanfic #voltron au

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theletterineversent · 5 years

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Dear Late Night Uncertainties,

I can't sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there's anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I'm wanted and that I can... I'm really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there's a part of me that won't stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you're going to read it, think I'm just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you'll say to me are "We need to talk" and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can't imagine my life without you. Now I'm clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you're not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don't, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it's hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn't care about another person wouldn't do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you're irritated, I don't honestly know if it's because you're irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don't know how much of this stems from the fact that I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don't think I'm blaming you for anything or saying that you're doing anything wrong. There's definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you're actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it's all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I've been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn't invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can't be, we're moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn't be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I'm just so uncertain and I'm afraid to talk about it with you because I'm afraid you'll realize its true and leave.

Im so afraid. I cant stand it. Im not gonna hurt myself but theres nothing to take my mind off these stuoid thoughts and I cant do anything about them so I sit here and worry and worry and worry and worry and play that stuoid color by numbers game which doesnt take my mind off anything...

Why the fuck are you asking people on tumblr to dm you? I dont care if you post a nude selfie everyday. Girls across the world could look at you and it wouldnt matter. But dm me? Really? Who the fuck is dming you after looking at your nude pictures? What do they want? You said at magstock that it bothered you when guys would stare at me, so why do I feel so guilty thinking about how to bring it up to you that I randomly found your tumblr and that i dont care if you posted that selfie I thiught was just for me, but that the hashtag dm me was the real kicker that partially helped set off this goddamn nightmare of a novel of issues. Dm me?

Dm me?

What do I need to do to be enough? Why do you need DMs for strangers on the internet? Shit. You made me feel.sexy enough to take nude pictures of myself and send them over the internet. That takes a lot of trust. And confidence. And both kind of took a hit tonight.

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you'd tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

You know what, Im mad. Real mad. And i wont talk about it, I know, cause Im afraid that Im already pushing you away so why give you any more reasons to think Im a crazy jealous bitch, right? But I dont think its fair that you get jealous when other guys stare at me and youre literally fucking asking strangers on the fucking internet to fucking dm you on a fucking nude pic? While were literally talking about moving in together? What the actual.fuck?

Do you sext with them? Does anyone even DM you? Three people liked it, that I know. I swear, I try really hard to not be jealous, but shit, I dont even know where to go from here, my thoughts keep getting stuck on how betrayed I feel and how angry I am but also how hurt, and how insecure I feel that Im not enough for you.

Ive given you so much, and you've given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don't know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

All I want to do is call you and ask about it like a rational adult, and maybe I will tomorrow night, but maybe Ill also just wait until the next time you post a selfie asking people on tumblr to dm you, and maybe Ill create a fake account and dm you from it, and see what you say. But see, thats the bitchy sneaky way to do it and no good comes from that. But will any good come from asking you in person?

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we've been dating?

On another note, do you have something against putting on facebook that were in a relationship? Its been almost a year. Sure, fb official doesnt mean jack shit, and again, on a rational level, I know all of that. But damn, if sometimes it wouldnt make me feel better.

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn't take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his...

I know (think? Can make up?) Good reasons for these things in our case - relarionship status isnt your thing, the important people know and thats what matters; we have too much fun to take photos together, were living in the moment; damn I live stupid far away and you dont have a car or much money to take a lyft or an hour long bus ride everywhere

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You'll never see this. You'll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You'll never fucking know and I'm afraid that will be the end of us.

I love you, and I want to be with you for a long time, and I can only sit here in this moment, afraid, hoping that this is all just stupid anxiety and that things are gonna get better when we move in together because I dont think I could take the heartbreak.

Love, Me.

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blondejournals · 7 years

Text

10- 6 - 17

I hate that there is no where I can kill myself without probably fucking up someone else’s life. I don’t want anyone to find me dead. my parents would have to identify the body thats so fucked up. I have been inside the same room all day. I feel like shit and I don’t know what to do. I wanna get help but I don’t really know how. God I don’t know anything. I feel better for the instant I talk about it. But then I regret it with more power than the instant relief and it just bites me in the ass. I still don’t want to say im depressed. I feel like im just lying or something. It is my fault I am lazy and I havent been trying. But I also know thats not true. Cause I have been and this is like me hitting the glass ceiling this week I can’t warp myself into positivity this time its not gonna work for now. sometime I hate crying. The salt burns when I sniff and it hurts my head. its so weird that we cry. I have so many things I expect of myself and I never even get close to attempting them. I’m just not sure what to do. I want a pill to make me on par with the rest of everyone. Give me the energy and the will and stop making me to groggy and unable to do basic tasks. what if I am just lazy. I don’t know. I was so happy for a little while there. now I’m sad all the time again. Not even sad just like void of. Energy. and Im constantly over-thinking. I need friends. I really do need them I keep telling myself I get by without them but Its easy to distract yourself from how horrible you are when you are with people. of course directly afterwords its all you think about sometimes. I love blaming anyone but myself. And then I blame myself for everything. I need to learn truth in mediums. I know them I just never accept them. Im either always being too hard or too easy on myself. I don’t know what I miss. I miss. I don’t know. My room. I mean fuck I spent 16 years in that room dealing with and getting through every shitty thing of my life? Is this just part of college? Being fucking depressed all the time. I don’t want some people to know. I mean obviously. I just mostly don’y want Michael to feel like hes won. I tried to help him so much I know I wasn’t always good at it and sometimes I did things that made things worse for him. But I had good intentions and it stings that I feel like hes doing so much better with me out of his life. Not because I don’t want him to be doing well. I do. But I also want me to not be some sort of toxic part of everyones life. Do I make people depressed? Do I give them anxiety? all the people I have been really close with ended up with those things. I’m starting to tell like im running out of other common factors. Michael wasn’t depressed before me, and then he was, and now it seems hes not. I hate writing these. Meredith has come really far with everything. What if I am hindering her,. I feel like I am. She only ever has negative things to say about me and I don’t know if shes ever stood up for me. it makes me sad. Because I love her so much and I know she loves me too but things that are so important to me dont mean very much to her. Shes changed for me and I feel guilty about it. We joke often about how she wouldn’t be my friend if she has met me now. its not a joke but like even so I can accept that truth. But I feel like such a burden. How much better would he life be if she had stuck around with anyone other than me. I feel like a parasite. I just suck off other peoples love and attention and give hardly anything back. I need people to read these but never read these. My heads been hurting all day. I need to pee but my face is fucking red as hell and I hate confrontation. I hate talking to meredith about it because I do it so much. I talk about it all the time. and its annoying. but I never go into detail. I just throw vague shit around. I simultaneously feel like its all my fault and like I should have someone that knows how to treat me better. A friend who does give me love and support before they realize “oh this sucks to have this happen to you maybe I should care it happened”. like. nothing matters to meredith until she thinks or has it happen to her. I demonize her sometimes in my head. I think its cause I spent most of my childhood romanticizing her. I romanticize everything. I also romanticize nothing. god I fucking have to pee. college is balls. I ate so much food today. my head still hurts. I hate this kind of sad. Its a rational kind of sad. Its not the breakdown kind of sad or romantic kind of sad or the self pity kind of sad (although thats tied into every sad) or anything like that. I’ve lost my hold on my emotions but not on my logic so I end up in spouts of feeling and then immediately analyze those feelings. I don’t even get the chance to fully act out before I come crashing down on myself with the hammer of truth. And I think sometimes we all need a little time to be irrational. Whatever im irrational 24/7. I wish megan hughes and I were still friends. I miss her dearly and she always came through with a good pick yourself up speech. I understand why she doesn’t like me so much anymore but I’m still upset. I didn’t do anything morally wrong. I was open and honest the whole time. I never harassed Andrea in fact I helped her and I honest to god wanted to see her happy again even after what her and Michael did to me. I act out sometimes and I feel like those moments end up defining me more than the countless nights I took it upon myself to look past what had happened to me and help people who did me dirty. I just miss Megan and I wish this hadn’t come between us. I know distance did as well but I really did love her a lot. Friendship love is so important. But it hurts just as bad as romantic love just more real and raw and minus all the drama. losing romantic love and friendship love can be so similar, I guess because you really are losing friendship love either way. I hear the door jiggle and I have a heart attack. its just I guess in romantic love there is more expectations so its easier to betray or let people down. when you let a friend down or betray them, that hurts so bad because there really is only a few ways to do that. And you really have to go out of your way. I don’t know. whatever it all stings in the end. im not gonna proofread this. i have to clean up my face so i can go pee. I dont think ill be able to sleep tonight but I kind of wish I could so I could wake up with the sunrise tomorrow. this city is beautiful and I take it for granted.

#journal 2017 #Journal: 2017 #my: post #ash posts

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theletterineversent · 5 years

Text

Dear You,

I can’t sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there’s anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I’m wanted and that I can… I’m really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there’s a part of me that won’t stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you’re going to read it, think I’m just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you’ll say to me are “We need to talk” and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can’t imagine my life without you. Now I’m clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you’re not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don’t, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it’s hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn’t care about another person wouldn’t do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you’re irritated, I don’t honestly know if it’s because you’re irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don’t know how much of this stems from the fact that I’ve never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don’t think I’m blaming you for anything or saying that you’re doing anything wrong. There’s definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you’re actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it’s all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I’ve been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn’t invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can’t be, we’re moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn’t be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I’m just so uncertain and I’m afraid to talk about it with you because I’m afraid you’ll realize its true and leave.

Dm me?

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you’d tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

Ive given you so much, and you’ve given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don’t know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we’ve been dating?

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn’t take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his…

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You’ll never see this. You’ll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You’ll never fucking know and I’m afraid that will be the end of us.

Love, Late Night Uncertainties

#theletterineversent

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