#so that might explain my intense feelings

[benkeibear]

⋆꙳✧༄ Faking an orgasm

꒰ ͜͡➸ How they react (and punish) you for faking an orgasm

❖ Characters: Geto, Gojo, Toji

❖ Reader: genderneutral | AFAB

❖ WARNINGS: sub!reader, unprotected sex, creampie, thigh riding, mentions of fingering and masturbation/toys, degradation (reader being called "bitch", "pet"), reader getting called "Angel", "bunny", "baby"

❖ A/n: Don't wanna miss a post? Sign up for my taglist in my Navi! || Repost bc community label after 5 seconds

☰ Geto:

ꕤ You were just exhausted from the day and somehow your head was everywhere but in the moment despite wanting nothing more than for your boyfriend to rail you like he was at the moment

ꕤ Geto had you on all fours before taking a fist full of hair to pull you up against his chest and you could feel his hips stutter

ꕤ Not wanting him to hold back you just faked it - giving it your best act

ꕤ He scoffed and pushed you into the mattress, your hips still high as your head got buried in the surface beneath you but he pulled out right before he came, letting his seed shoot over the globes of your ass and lower back

ꕤ You pouted at that “you promised to cum inside tonight,” you whined and heard him chuckle while shaking his head

ꕤ “Only good girls get filled with my cum - and you certainly aren't one,” he hissed before releasing your hair from his tight grip and you knew that he didn't believe that fake orgasm

ꕤ Before you were able to explain yourself to him, he patted his thigh, his back resting against the headboard “If you still want to cum you gotta work for it.”

ꕤ You were pouting but yes, yes you wanted to release so badly, unsure why you even faked it but this was your punishment now

ꕤ You straddled one of his thighs, his hands having a death grip on your hips to rut you against his leg at his desired speed - slow and with barely any pressure, making sure to let you suffer

ꕤ “Go ahead, dove, thank me for helping you,” He hummed, a playful smirk on his lips

ꕤ Without thinking much, you started thanking him for being so generous, for helping you to find pleasure. It made you feel so ashamed of faking it but that's exactly what he wanted

ꕤ “Keep up this slow pace, be a good girl and i might even slip a finger into your weeping cunt,” He breathed against your ear, knowing how much you love to ride his fingers

☰ Gojo:

ꕤ Gojo knew something felt off when your moans weren't the same, sounding rather fake so it came as no surprise when you faked it

ꕤ You don't even know why you did it, things just didn't feel as intense or like you're gonna release any time soon and hoped he wouldn't notice - bot oh he did notice

ꕤ He just continued as if he didn't know and finished a short while later but rolled off right away, a playful smile on his lips and that's when you knew that you're fucked

ꕤ “Have fun finishing yourself off then,” He hummed unbothered, that teasing smirk only getting bigger when he saw your mortified face

ꕤ “Didn't think i would notice, hm bunny?” He asked amused before turning to face you, his head propped up on one arm

ꕤ You felt like a deer in headlights under his mocking gaze along with his teasing and somehow you really hoped he would help you release

ꕤ But Gojo wouldn't be Gojo if he wouldn't be a menace, slender fingers dancing over your skin, always close but never touching the areas you needed him so desperately

ꕤ “Is my cock not good enough anymore? Do you need your own little fingers now? Maybe even your adorable toy? yeah, i know of your little secrets,” He teases relentlessly, making you flustered but oh so turned on

ꕤ “Go ahead and touch yourself for me… let me see,” he giggled, wanting to guide your movements with his voice now

ꕤ He wouldn't touch you in order to help you, that was your little punishment

☰ Toji:

ꕤ RIP to your little kitty

ꕤ Why you thought faking it is a good idea? Maybe because you know exactly how mad he gets after

ꕤ It hurts his ego more than anything that he can't satisfy you to the point where you see it necessary to fake it but you love how he reacts so you fake it

ꕤ Tojis hips slow down in pace when your walls don't grip him like a vice as they usually do and with one swift movement he manhandles you into a mating press

ꕤ “Think I'm too dumb to notice, angel? Let me teach you a lesson” he growls while he pushes your legs tightly against your chest, his cock now deeper than before which made you whimper

ꕤ “That's what I thought. Crying for me like a bitch in heat,” he continues to degrade you but this is a punishment, you're not getting it the way you want it

ꕤ His pace is now oh so slow, far too slow for your liking but you feel the tip of his length drag against your walls and brushing against all the right spots and it made you lose your mind

ꕤ You were now stuck, folded in half between your lover and the mattress while he tortured you with slow thrusts, a mischievous grin painted on his face that screamed victory as degrading words fell from his lips

ꕤ You were a mess by the time he was done with you, far too overstimulated and every drag of his cock along your walls borderline painful

ꕤ "Who knew my baby can only cum when degraded into nothing but a hole for me to fuck," he chuckled before pulling out so you won't even get the satisfaction of being filled

ꕤ Toji came over your face just to degrade you some more “go clean yourself up. You're such a mess,” he ordered but waited for your return

ꕤ When you were back in his arms he hummed softly “did you learn your lesson now, angel?”

Networks: @enchantedforest-network @themovingcastlez

#Rhy sins ♡ #jjk x reader #jjk smut #geto x reader #geto smut #gojo x reader #gojo smut #toji x reader #toji smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen smut #jjk gojo #jjk toji #geto suguru #gojo satoru #toji fushiguro

[sporesgalaxy]

Is it bad that im artist and dont understand rene magritte paintings..? I look at it for too long my head starts to smoke...

hehe, there's never anything wrong with having trouble wrapping your head around something at first, as long as you're trying! I don't think I couldve explained what I liked about Magritte very well when I first decided he was my favorite Surrealist, back in high school.

But this quote from Magritte in a radio interview, quoted on the Wikipedia page for The Son of Man, really moved me and made a LOT of his work click for me, ideologically! Maybe it will help you too?

"At least it hides the face partly well, so you have the apparent face, the apple, hiding the visible but hidden, the face of the person. It's something that happens constantly. Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see. There is an interest in that which is hidden and which the visible does not show us. This interest can take the form of a quite intense feeling, a sort of conflict, one might say, between the visible that is hidden and the visible that is present."

#asks #magritte

[commander-rahrah]

I'm excited to read it too! I'm glad you find it interesting! Don't worry about your post because long! Your thoughts are so interesting!

I agree that Astarion would have to come to terms with Reader/Tav's boundaries too since it works both ways! I definitely feel that Astarion would be too lost in drinking from the blood of a sentient creature to notice the signs.

He would feel ashamed when he's aware of their fear yet they still chose to offer despite that might made him feel like he manipulated them like Cazador did to him 😭

What his excuses are if they try to offer in the early days makes sense! He would be too ashamed & terrified to have such a vulnerable conversation with them yet 😞

He would feel safe enough to bring up their fear after he confessed about everything. He would make it clear to them he doesn't want them to suffer by making them do something they don't want to like he did especially after how much they have helped him & how important they are to him 😭

He would respect their decision if they said it's too much for them. He would support everyone's personal choices & autonomies even though the concept is still new to him 😤

He would need an explanation if they insist on feeding him regardless of their fear. They would explain that not only do they trust him, they love him more than they fear it 🥹

He would only accept if they establish some ground rules 👍 like he did when it comes to physical intimacy & sex which is healthy for both of them!

I know it's unrelated but thank you for adding this because you described me pretty well 🤣 I would definitely react to even the smallest of cuts so Astarion quickly but gently sucking it & giving a small kiss on it would be a fantastic distraction 😳

You're welcome! Thank YOU for entertaining me & sharing your thoughts! I'm glad you enjoy putting Astarion and Tav/Reader in all these different scenarios too 🤍

Here's my idea that I would love to hear your opinion! Just to let you know this is quite self-indulgent XD How would Astarion react to GN! Reader/Tav actually had suspicions that he's using them but still chose to believe that he's not. So when he confessed he manipulated them, they're even not angry at him.

They're sad for how much & how long he has suffered to be the way he is now, but they're also genuinely hurt that he did take advantage of their trust in him. They don't blame him but they admit it still hurts and wants some time alone to process it.

After leaving them be, they would go to him when they're ready to talk to him. They would tell him how grateful they are that he chose to come clean with them despite knowing how it would be easier for him to keep quiet for it, and thanked him for trusting them enough to be honest with them.

What do you think of it? I'm curious :3

Hi Anon! Sorry for the super late response, I let this one stew for a little while in my brain and the other night I had this dialogue idea and couldn’t resist writing a little scene about it tonight! I hope you enjoy ❤️

I envisioned this scene happens half way through his confession, and then imagined the rest of the conversation about intimacy and boundaries would happen afterwards! It’s about 1100 words, and canonical Astarion backstory warnings apply — trauma, dark thoughts, etc.

.·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨

“I just — I feel awful." Astarion’s throat worked silently, his eyes glancing down to his boots. "Look, I had a plan. A nice, simple plan — seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me. It was easy — instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in." He finally looked up at your face, studying intensely for your reaction. 

“I—oh,” You pulled your hand away from him as uncertainty flooded your features. He saw your eyes dart back and forth, but they weren’t studying him. No, you were lost in thought. “Oh.”

Astarion licked his lips, his hands ringing together in front of him nervously. “You have every right to be angry.”

“I’m not angry. I thought we… I don’t know what I thought.”

The rest of what he had planned to say vanished out of his mind. Instead it started to betray him, a cruel voice whispering about how he knew you would react like this. Did he really think it would go well?

His pink mouth hung open as he scrambled for what to say, trying to think of how to make this better. But he’d done enough already, hadn’t he?

You crossed your arms over your body, your cheeks flushing deeply. “I feel a bit like a fool. None of it was real, the whole time?”

“Not the whole time,” He confessed as soft, vulnerable moments with you flashed in his mind. The very moments that made him start to drop the act. “It hasn’t been as of late, but before… in the beginning, up until recently, yes.”

His red eyes followed your throat as it bobbed up and down before flicking back up to your face. Your eyebrows were furrowed, your mouth a sad pout.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Astarion whispered, not daring to move forward.

“I’m thinking… I need a moment.” You admitted, already looking behind you and away from him.

His heart sank, but he nodded. “I— okay. Of course.”

And then you were off, your head down as you stalked away from the edge of the beach and back to the warm glow of camp.

He stood there stunned for a moment, before turning around to stare at the dark, choppy waters in front of him. Hundreds of scenarios began to dance in his mind — what if you went back to the camp to tell the others? Would he be met by pointed blades and blazing spells? He imagined being kicked out, staked, cursed, roasted alive with fireballs. Hand delivered to Cazador as extra punishment for his sins. Anything his twisted broken mind could come up with played like a messed up vision.

Astarion didn’t even try to stop the repetitive dark thoughts. It was what he deserved.

Eventually, the vampire slinked back into the camp some time later — once the sky was inky black and the moon was the only light to illuminate the way back to his tent.

“Hi.”

The sound caused his ears and shoulders to perk up instantly. You were sat in the grass and dirt outside of his tent, your arms wrapped around your knees and pulled to your chest.

“Hi.” Gods, he sounded breathless. But he couldn’t see any weapons or angry barbarians or wizards nearby. That was a good sign, right?

“I wasn’t sure when you’d come back.”

He cocked a brow, “I figured you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

A sigh escaped your lips, “Astarion, don’t be dramatic. I asked for time to think — not for you to leave.”

He blinked at your sharp tone, but nodded his head in slight defeat. “You’re right. And you waited for me because—?”

You brushed off your clothes as you stood up to his height, “I would like to finish that conversation, if you’re ready.”

Well, there was no denying the inevitable.

He nodded his head solemnly, stepping forward to open the flap of his tent and inviting you in with a wave of his hand.

The privacy his tent offered was slight, but this late in the night he knew most of his companions would be fast asleep. Quickly lighting a lantern, he joined you on the fabric floor.

His half-dead heart was thundering, the thrumming sound echoing in his pointed ears that he almost missed your quiet voice.

“I understand.”

“What?” His brows furrowed, looking at you with confusion.

“The stories you’ve told me… your scars… I understand why you did it, why you felt the need to do it.” You explained, your voice and eyes tender as you looked at him in the low light. “But you manipulated me, Astarion. You took advantage of me, toyed with me and my emotions to get what you needed. That hurts.”

Astarion’s stomach twisted into a hard knot, “I know.”

“But you also didn’t need to tell me any of this. You could have kept pretending, kept up the charade until we faced Cazador… But you didn’t. Why?”

Now it felt like his stomach was crawling up his torso and into his throat. Gods, what was this feeling? Why did you do this to him. “That’s what I was trying to tell you before. I failed with my plan. It felt apart the moment I realized… that I had fallen for you.” He admitted, but his fluttering heart made more words stumble out of his mouth. “And I know you probably don’t believe me, why would you after everything I just told you. Trust me, nobody feels more stupid about it than I do.”

You cut off his rambling, “I don’t think it’s stupid. I think that’s probably the most honest you’ve been with me since I’ve met you,” You said earnestly. “It would have been a lot easier for you to keep on pretending, wouldn’t it? Pretend I’m just another mark, another means to an end to get through the day.”

“I don’t want easy… I don’t want to just get through the day. Not anymore.” Astarion whispered across the small tent, staring intently at you.

You cocked your head slightly in question, “And what do you want?”

“I want this, I want us — to be real. You deserve something real.”

“So do you, Astarion. You deserve something real.”

Your name escaped his lips as a choked sob as overwhelming wave of emotion settled over him. “I don’t even know what real looks like. How do I give that to you if I—?”

“Do you trust me?”

The vampire nodded through his tears, “Yes.”

“I trust you,” You said softly.

“After everything I’ve done?” He croaked, waving his hands dramatically, “You’d trust a monster—“

You grabbed onto his extended fingers gently, squeezing them. “Yes, even then.”

He looked down at your hands touching, before intertwining his pale fingers with yours carefully. “Maybe you are a fool.”

You let out a breathless laugh, the sound waking up something in him he’d long thought dead. “Maybe, I am. But you fell for me, so what does that make you?”

Astarion’s mouth twitched up until it match your smile, “The luckiest vampire alive.”

#commander-rahrah answers #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion fanfic #bg3 fanfic #Astarion X reader #astarion x gn reader #astarion x tav #astarion x gn!tav

[lucabyte]

i am looking at nohats au 👀 please share more

So! NoHats! I'm going to grab you and use this to ramble. A Lot.

The NoHats AU is @samhainian's it's just that I'm the strange little freak who takes the words said unto me and executes on them. But I can still do a little explainer on what our overall thoughts and vibes are. (And, that we are in fact propping up a little box with some cheese under it here. 🪤 Please (PLEASE) feel free to pick up what we're putting down.)

We're far from the only ones exploring a "what if siffrin fucking died" AU, though the main difference with NoHats is the placement of the death in the timeline. Instead of being 'Mal Du Pays Wins' or 'Act 6 encounter goes horribly wrong', the death is… Just after the (literal) falling action.

(This placement is because Sam is a comic book fan who thus has become used to characters being ripped away at the cruelest times by shitty writers. THANK FUCKING GOD adrienne is not that and isat is delightful yippieee, but, back on topic.)

Giving the party the full understanding of What Happened that you get by putting the death after black hole siffrin, but before the A6 encounter leaves an interesting gap to be filled. See, making Siffrin's death very much not Loop's fault means that… this once again reads (when not read as simply a tragedy...) as the universe doing what it sees fit to fulfull Loop's wish… Thus making Siffrin's death Loop's fault again, but only in their eyes. And only in a way they could express if they were honest about who they were…

And this is where having had excuse to waffle about my general Postcanon Loop thoughts the other day comes in handy, because Sam and I have that as our canon-compliant reading to begin with, NoHats plays off of a lot of the same readings of Loop's character. Namely: Uh Oh Somebody's Lying By Fucking Omission Again. (BECAUSE TO BE FAIR THIS TIME… HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU HANDLE THAT?)

Now, neither Sam nor I are fanfic writers, so this has been a little bit trapped in our heads and DMs (and my unfinished art but,)

But our thoughts on how NoHats like… Goes.

Siffrin's death is peaceful, but that does not mean the aftermath of it is. I can't imagine the party takes it well, especially after understanding the circumstances of the Loops. (And, of note, in A5 where nobody had the discussion on what to do with each other's bodies should something happen…) But I'd imagine it traumabonds them somewhat (understatement of the century) and now knowing how the rest of the party feels, they resolve to travel together for the forseeable future.

The party track down Loop to deliver the terrible news, since they were clearly Siffrin's friend too, and invite Loop along to travel at least long enough to (let them grieve) get the burial over with. Loop, here, can be helpful in knowing what Siffrin would've wanted where the party would be at a loss. Loop, I think, takes a bit of a lead on the funerary aspects of it all, because, um. (Performing rites on your own body, huh?)

Then, as things are after a death, life just… Kind of has to continue on as normal. The party travel, pick up Nille, and get to know Loop as this mysterious new person. Maybe in this situation they might stay in Bambouche for a while to give Bonnie more stability since. They are probably taking it the worst. It would've come out of absolutely nowhere for everyone in the party obviously but god, for a kid? For A Kid?

It should be stated NoHats is not intended to be grimdark, just y'know. An exploration of grief. This is also why it's got a bit of a lopsided focus on Bonnie vs the rest of the party because hhrrhghghhghghhhghhghhh <- incoherent

Now, a crossroads.

How does the party discover Loop to be Siffrin? How long does it take. How much have the party embraced them as part of the family (especially with something as intense to bond over as this)?

There's the Odile option. Have her put it together and have to bring it up somehow. This could also be done by Isabeau, perhaps. He's smart. (which. God. If anything's the real Isabeau Torment Nexus it's this)

Then there's the other option batted around by Sam and I. The: The Universe Dislikes Duplicates option.

The items in the house that fzzt away when inspected. The Universe doesn't like there to be two of something, at least not when they're acknowledged. But one of something is just fine…?

Which is to say. I'm not a personal proponent of 'Loop getting their body back'. EXCEPT …… except this one time.

There's only one Siffrin now, so they don't need to be obfuscated to exist.

Consider, if you will. Loop swallowing their guilt for long enough to be comfortable. Falling back into old habits. Without another Siffrin around to compete for the niche of, they actually begin to act like Siffrin again. Not intentionally, it's just… The party is as welcoming as they've always been. And the party swears they keep catching glimpses of a face under all the light.

Then, one day, while still not fully human again, the resemblence becomes undeniable. Loop having not even noticed until everyone looks at them like they've seen a ghost.

Has it been months? How long have they kept up this lie? Is it even a lie, to them? They're Loop. But they were, once, Siffrin.

Even after explaining it, does that make it better or worse?

Bonnie cuts through the betrayed, struck-nerve reactions with a sobering "I missed you."

… Anyway !

Yeah so that's the vibe for NoHats. As for LoopLoops? That's more nebulous. I think it can go anywhere really in the NoHats timeline. I err personally toward the "Loop continuously replays the last 10 minutes before Siffrin's death almost immediately after they find out and have to parkour their ass up the House in the most distressing situation possible to try and get them to hold on, just please hold on." (Remember! Siffrin can remember the contents of Loop's loop backs in the A6 fight!)

But there is the possibility that this happens months, or worse years down the road. One last Loop back. Throw it all away for the chance to just get that one thing you didn't know you even wanted but now know you NEED.

Misc:

Okay miscellaneous time.

This is where I admit that I have a bunch of unfinished NoHats art that I haven't gotten around to yet because I feel like a right tool being so obviously Loop-Centric with my fancontent (I AM . . I REALISE I AM NOT DOING MUCH TO BEAT THE ALLEGATIONS.) So like if people want to see that please say because euaghghghhfh <- the nervous.

this is like the most fucked up place to do isaloop fr. anyway.

one of Sam's mid-game observations that I'm just going to share for no particular reason is that Bonnie's hair shares a bunch of shapes with Siffrin's. The flick up at the top, the 3 pronged shape of the fringe… just something to think about.

Without 2 Siffrins around to compare each other to it'd likely be a lot harder to notice Loop's similarities. Doesn't mean that those similarities don't sting more in this context though.

If you do NoHats without LoopLoops. The concept of this all fading into memory years down the line while they just have slightly-glowy but otherwise regular Siffrin hanging out is fucked up to think about. Just like real grief. Augh

6. a peek into the original dms as a treat from us

#LONG POST....! #be free our ideas. go forth into the wild. and by that i mean neither of us are fic writers so please HUNT US FOR SPORT #isat spoilers #looploops au #nohats au #isat au #isat loop #isat act 6 spoilers #not giving it more tags than that since feels rude to tag the rest of the party lol #lucabytetalks #but yes! to be extra clear: nohats is a 'please play in the space' invitation. because neither of us are big fanwork people! um! #it feels a little bit neglectful of us to not make more stuff for this AU ourselves but... we aren't practiced at that kind of thing. so. #open invitation! we know we won't make anything MASSIVE with this so.. don't hold your breath. and feel free to take the reigns. #we aren't like. the arbiters of 'sif fuckin dies' aus in general obviously but if you want to play with our specific ideas please do! #think of this post like prompts if you want to. go nuts #and @ a certain someone who said in the tags theyd maybe write something inspired. kisses you so sweetly. thank u for even considering it #also hi kaun i was thinking about your little snippet when typing 'act 6 encounter goes horribly wrong' 👋

[synthetic-rust]

What they don’t tell you about autism is that it feels like you’re simultaneously one step outside of reality yet two steps too far into it at all times

#chatter #salt grain thoughts #autism #I truly don’t know what I’m explaining here #but this is what I feel like constantly when I’m inferacing with the world #too far away from it yet also too inmeshed in it at the same time #like I react to things with a weird sense of almost astonishment like I’m experiencing everything fresh for the first time every time #(I don’t literally go ‘woah’ or anything but the intensity of the thing never changes) #which can either be good or like most times overwhelming #it’s probably why I keep myself so zoned out a lot of time #… #might just be a me thing but this feels quite connected to how my brain works I guess #feels like my head is just never goddamn prepared to experience anything at all #which lends to the whole needing control over your environment thing with autism #gotta have some sort of expectation and consistency happening or else your nervous system might shit itself

[lyxchen]

When you feel weird saying your favorite actors name out loud when talking to your parents or friends because it feels like it's going to reveal how deeply obsessed you actually are

#oh how often i have said to my parents #'it's a movie with that actor i like' #because i am afraid if i say 'david tennant' i will also add 'the prettiest most gorgeous funniest guy who is so lovely and if i met him i #would probably hyperventilate and i think about him probably too much because he's just an actor but also Look At Him!!' #you know #normal fangirl stuff #i have a theory that this is either some sort of weird ocd thing deep inside of me like how for a few months i was very afraid that people #could hear my thoughts and so i never allowed myself to think strange or very personal things with many people around #or this is because other people have made me feel like i can't talk about my interests because they're so intense that they find them #annoying #or it's because i don't want my parents to think i have a crush on him because i don't and also i'm gay so like no crush potential this is #completely different emotion which i can't explain especially not my parents so i'd rather they not find out how cool i think he is #but also they probaly know because they got me 10th doctor merch for christmas without me even asking for it and my mom also said that #she noticed that he's my favorite actor which is fine it's toatally fine i'm so cool about this #any so yeah anyways #didn't think i'd analize myself that much tonight but here we are #david tennant you have to honor of recieving the title of 'that one actor i like' which is much more important than it might sound #good night #lea's random thoughts

[thethingything]

I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.

the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?

I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #emetophobia tw #vent post #<- I guess? I mean it kinda sucks but I'm not that upset about it right now #anyway this is partly from the Cotard's delusion and partly because we also get delusions involving being parasitised #I think they're kind of linked together for us. like there's a similar vibe to them somehow #anyway the Cotard's delusion is like... it flares up every so often and gets really intense #but otherwise it's mostly just there in the background as like ''yeah that's a thing we experience'' but not affecting us that much #it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely #but at the moment it is flaring up so it's like... okay I guess this is what we're doing for the foreseeable future #idk we might just wake up later and be like ''oh never mind'' or it might flare up for a few weeks or whatever #also talking about this is wild because like I've definitely mentioned us having it but I'm still aware that everything says it's super rar #even though we've met multiple other people who have it and we had it for years without knowing it had a name or anything #but I'm still paranoid about getting fakeclaimed because people like to be like ''that's so rare. there's no way you can have that'' #like idk what to tell you buddy my brain is convinced that I'm dead and that my organs are decomposing. I'm not happy about it either #being able to double-bookkeep and know we're experiencing a delusion also makes it weirder #because it's like yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and is technically impossible but my brain has decided that none of that matters #and me being like ''well that can't be true'' feels like being in denial so even though I know it's a delusion #a lot of the time it's easier to just lean into it and go ''okay sure I guess I'm dead. who gives a shit'' #anyway let's see how I end up feeling after talking about this because either I'll post it and be like ''yeah this is fine'' #or I'll get paranoid about being fakeclaimed or people being like ''what the actual fuck'' and end up deleting it

[marsbotz]

i loveeee making playlists this is a little known fact about me. my playlists r like my babies

#unfortunately i never finish them bc i csn never be fully satisfied w how the vibes and lyrics and everything match up #i do have a couple on my profile rn (LINK IN PINNED. LOL) but i have like a billionthst r like forever wips #i have twooo that r BASICALLY DONE i just need to do srt for the covers. and these are my ice emperor redo #and a jaya playlist … 🤨 but miserable version. #jaya DIVORCE playlist #that ones complex. #i struggle w making them understnadable for others lolol #my last ie one i wrote like a full google docs thing explaining each song choice in detail #but im hoping the new version is better. more understnadable #its abt my like complex interpretation of zane and vexs relationship. #the original went from like #them meeting to the intense codependency to the slow fallout and then like. zane After it all #the new one is kinda the same but shuffled round a bit. and condensed w different songs in parts #it has a LITTLE bit post vex. but doesnt dwell quite so much #immm not sure abt my jaya playlist it might need more refining. #but its like the idea of them almost feeling obligated to be together at first #and then slowly realising it wont work but its already hurt them both #but it has a good ending i think. #im kinda not sure on it but ill have to relisten. its kind of a rlly conplex thing in my mind so hard to wrap up in a playlist #other ones im working on rn are a birdrickkkk playlist. lol. and also maybe skybound?? #im also hoping to be able to make more general playlists for each of the ninja that i can keep updating #my lloyd one is coming along nicely and the jay one. Has Songs in it. but the rest r like 1-2 songs each 😭 wtf #im gonna do some research. (listening to other ppls playlists and picking out the stuff i like) #im like superrrr fussy w my playlists thi LOL #liteeally i am that guy listening to playlists liek ‘he would not fucking be represented bu that’ #BTW THIS IS KINDA FUNNY. is theres sooo many rick playlists w the desc liek ‘ugh i made a REAL rick playlist bc he wld NOT listen to mitski’ #and like. true. but this isnt for him. ITS FOR ME #for the record. rick would listen to breakcore. thats my wisdom. #my rick playlist wld PISS those ppl off. lololllllll watever #IM OUT OF TAGS LOL ok thats my thiughts. byeeeee

[byanyan]

to whom does your heart belong?

your heart belongs to the sun

ㅤyou are a wildfire waiting to happen. one lit cigarette away from catastrophe. you are passion itself, full of rage and joy and love and pain. you are the driving force behind change, so why are you afraid of it? not all that is new will hurt you. let others into your life. you will not burn them. you do not cause harm inherently, you are wounded. you will heal. i promise you will heal.

tagged by:ㅤ@gnarledbite ♡♡

#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ dash meme. #YEAHHHHH this is so REAL #byan as passion in both positive and negative ways is one of my favourite metaphors oml #bc it's so!! accurate!!! everything they feel... they feel it with such intensity #love might be one of those things that doesn't come easily to them bc they don't trust it to last and expect it to only result in hurt #but when they do finally let it in they embrace it with that same intensity they do rage #and oh boy will they let their rage destroy them and everything around them #they don't do things half-ass; it's all or nothing #...which i guess kind of explains how they're either 'abandonment' or 'co-dependency' with no in between :/ #anyway. 'grey don't take quiz results so seriously' challenge failed yet again #not pictured is me giggling bc of how much moon & i (and even byan tbh) tie sol to the sun #that just adds a bit of extra fun to this already v fitting result

[peachsayshi]

tried to have an honest convo with a friend tonight and she got so defensive about my own feelings 🥲

#I told her that I don’t know if I believe in love anymore in a half joking way #and she took it so personally #and I tried to explain that a part of me really doesn’t feel it #and I’m kind of accepting that in my life #and if in the future I do see myself married it might just be someone who I consider an overall good partner #and she was like: no you can’t because you have to be in love #and I was like ??? #to which she said I’m just overreacting #which was kind of hurtful considering she knows the history I’ve had with shitty dudes #like I get that it was coming from a place of love but I didn’t think it would get so intense ?? #either way I had a couple of drinks tonight so maybe I’m just catching feelings lol #peach: saying hi <3 #delete later

[callixton]

oh huh. idk what happened but i think literally tonight something switched back and i can think abt canon tww without wanting to throw up. cool okay.

#*canon is to say that i could think abt. isolated characters in hyper specific aus (bc i. honest to god have not stopped thinking abt josh #- for the past three years) but i could not stand to watch an episode or see gifs or think much abt canon plotlines #i really think my hyperfixation was so unhealthily intense that i swung 180 and got repulsed bc i had SOOO much emotional baggage associated #w this show and my reactions to it were So intense #but i’m. maybe okay now. maybe normal again. maybe able to feel things abt it without getting overwhelmed #tentative still but. yeah fs #honest to god i think it might be my aids class. can’t quite explain it but that research project was def associated w positive tww thoughts #ted talks #the west wing

[pepprs]

literally for so many reasons i should not do this program tomorrow but explaining why i can’t would be so embarrassing but also i really shouldn’t. lol

#i keep panicking bc i don’t know how to talk abt this in a way that makes it safe for ANYONE. it feels wildly wildly inappropriate to be #participating in a conversation about such an intensely personal sensitive thing LET ALONE facilitating one as someone who has been touched #by it directly. and maybe that’s just me being weird abt this entire broad topic my whole life and uncomfortable at the prospect of even #saying the broad words and touching on the overall topic but this really really feels unbearable and bad. but also i can’t not do it so. lol #purrs #the thought of telling my story and going as deep as i possibly can which might trigger someone when i don’t know who is in the room and #THEN hearing stories from everyone in the room — people i KNOW!!! interact with on a daily basis!!’ — about what horrific things they mightv #been through and getting triggered by that. AND possibly also having ppl in the room who think it’s all bullshit and will say stuff and #everyone else is allowed to react if they’re triggered by that but i am not because im the facilitator and my job is to deescalate. like lol #how am i supposed to do any one of those things. potentially all of them. i feel like collapsing and to say why it makes me feel like #collapsing would involve me having to explain this to people i know anyway so either way im fucked. and like i do want to talk about it very #much but also i dont. at least not until i know what everyone has gone through first. bc i don’t want to hurt anyone bc it can be painful an #and i get hurt by hearing stories too. which is like dumb bc it’s not even MY thing to have stories about lol but im still like this. anyway #this is clearly something i need to be working thru in therapy bc it impacts my life in ways literally no one else in the world sees or #knows about but i don’t know if i will ever be able to bring it up in therapy bc it is just so uncomfortable and embarrassing for me. lol #and like i know km going to contradict myself in even telling the story too which will open the door for someone on the other side to do a #gotcha. and i don’t even know what to do w that. i don’t trust anyone who might be in that room to listen or understand or protect me which #i especially should just let go of because as the facilitator im the person who has to do the protecting. and it sucks bc i need protecting #with this and i will have to pretend im strong and healthy about it when really i have no right to be leading a conversation about it or #even talking about it bc it happened to me but not in ways that anybody even thinks about or cares to think about. so lol. ok stop rambling #even before this all started i have a tjougjt related to this topic every single day. every single one. and it just makes me squirm to think #that now i have to talk about it bc it’s my job. and i really really want to. and i really really don’t

[vigilantejustice]

there are a couple jobs around that seem like they’d be sort of ideal but. the thought of going back to work at all is mildly terrifying in that there are at least five different levels of anxiety to overcome + then the concept of being trapped into having to leave the house (which sounds like an oxymoron) every day is a real pickle

#there's a receptionist job in the city + they're not looking for anyone with like. Actual Experience #my experience is retail + then early childhood education so there's no corporate experience or administrative experience either y'know? #so this would be good in that even if it wasn't a long-term job it would be great experience #if i managed to get hired anyways #it's also great because there's no need to drive there's a bus that runs right from my place into the city in the morning + evening so it #works out super easy that way. if i could get out of my own head about my appearance for any length of time it would make everything so #much simpler. i just worry that what they're really looking for in a receptionist is someone pretty y'know? #anyways. guess i'll apply for it + see they might throw my resume straight out when they see the stupid huge gap on it lmao #the trapped thing sounds strange but it's the most apt way to explain it. it happened when i went back to the kindy last year it was wild #the second i clocked in i felt trapped it was awful then i had the most intense feeling of safety crawling into bed when i got home #it was inexplicable #personal

[nymphantasia]

Wow I did not think I was that excited 2 talk to my best friend 2night (bc we just talked a lot over text yesterday and on call the day b4 that, and also I wasn't even really expecting 2 do the normal Wednesday get-together anyway) but for some reason I feel like just tucking my face into my pillow and yelling abt it rn. Like it's fine but it's just a super unexpected emotional reaction, like wtf is going on w/ u Erin calm the fuck down.

#I think the less dysphoria I experience and the more confidence I gain the more I realize how much I crave attention from certain ppl #like I always have 2 some extent I think but I just couldn't rlly tell that was what was happening and it's SO much more intense now #what with the 'having to actually fully feel my emotions' thing #...it's weird 2 bc I'm so finicky abt who I want attention from #when I want it #and even to some extent how I like it 2b expressed? all of that might b normal tho lmao #is that normal? I think that might be normal #...anyway I am kinda dancing around the fact that while I do like attention generally #there's really just one person who I like it from a LOT more than other ppl #and kind of in a different way? IDK it's hard 2 explain. #*voice muffled by my pillow* how is being in love so easy and so hard at the same fucking time #still tho. emotions and having real meaningful relationships w/ other ppl are my favorite things and I'm so so so glad I get to have them #even if sometimes I get embarassed and my face starts to feel hot over basically nothing lmao

[ravegore]

Ok now that my rage is mostly past i am in more lalaland. Glad to put my energy towards being happy and improving my life with my friends that i love and trust

#i am still miffed that this was public but #it occurred to me it might also be bothering me so intensely because #it seemed we both agreed to move past each other and let go for now #n sure maybe this is what he needed to do to let go #it just feels kinda inflammatory. #but its only as much as i engage it with. which i dont plan to do #i hope my silence helps him reflect #and theres also just #a certain irony to the whole thing that i spent many many years trying to give advice on their relationship trying to help only for nothing #and now this very fresh very new issue suddenly is relationship breaking and hes already given up trying to help #lol #i guess he knows how i feel now though #idk #if anything better for him i guess to cut it off now rather than try repeatedly like i did (unless this already is repeat) #it also just feels like #he really doesnt even know who i am as a person #even after all this time #i dont want to say hes just wrong about everything because i definitely did say some dumb shit in the last few months #but it just feels like hes not even trying #or there are things hes not telling me #i keep telling my side explaining myself explaining what i mean and he just keeps. dare i use this word. Assuming things about me #anytime i have a conversation with him i just feel like im running in a circle i dont understand and i never know how to feel about anythin #and i dont understand what hes talking about what he wants what hes really feeling whats going wrong #and... comparing that to the friends i have now #its just even more obvious they're a lot better for me #i dont think friends are supposed to make you feel like this

[knaveofmogadore]

Hang..

#ran out of tags on the other post but I've got so manynof these #was best friends with a pair of roommates who became so intensely codependent that they both had breakdowns when the other studied abroad #a guy who had siblings regularly terrorized my friend who also had siblings with the corpse of a roachnfor over a year (roommates) #ive known ONE situation where the only chold terrorized an apartment of sibling people. but that's because they were all poc and she was #insanely racist. like so racist that MY little pale jewish ass got weird vibes from her on first contact #learned some good lessons from roommates but none of them are things I'd be able to explain to a kid #except maybe 'if you get the feeling someone's mad at you all the time but won't tell you for some reason just move out' #oh! my friend had a partner who was a terror of a roommate. as in she psychologically terrorized my friend and their roommates #once listened in on a convo that went 'i shouldnt have to warn people I'm walking into an apartment I PAY FOR just because they want a date #oh also @ my niblings sometimes situations are unwinable before you even get there. sometimes people just make up their minds about you #and you just gotta deal with the consequences of that decision. if you're in an unwinnable social situation just hit the bricks #you can't fix something that isn't functionally broken and it puts you in situations where every choice is wrong #living with people who grew up with fucked up sibling relationships created a lot of '0 good dialogue options' situations #cant leave the living room because then they asked for something and got it and that's shameful. can't sit in the living room. they want it. #again i could have been a way better roommate. for a multitude of reasons some under my control some not. but lord in heaven #but having siblings does NOT socialize you to live with other adults i hate that myth every situation I've lived in has proved it wrong #NONE OF US had any clue how to live with people who weren't our relatives #and this will happen to you. you will move out and realize the extent of your habits cause most people's parents just tolerate stuff #or your parents just got used to things that would drive other adults insane and they don't notice the things you do cause they're your kid #(or they might have even taught you those habits/level of cleanliness themselves) #one dude at the boarding house got mad about being asked to have basic responsibility for his room. so he left it covered in trash #and when they went to clean it it was covered in a fine layer of mold on almost every surface. genuine biohazard scene #got hit with 'youre the only person i don't regret letting into my house' from the woman we paid rent to when i moved out #and I'm like gee the bar is in hell 😭