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ughitsnic · 4 years

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Remember when: Chris Evans

Over 2k words... which a hell of a lot for me. i dont really know what i was doing with this one but i had fun writing it. angst? yeah kinda

It was never Chris' fault, he was so caring and full of love but that was just who he was. It was that you were in a relationship that felt forced and that was moving way too fast and way too public for both of your liking. It was tough on you where as before you would happily go places together, baseball games, go out for food get a drink, walk the dogs. But now? Everyone was watching over analyzing the headlines were ridiculous people conspiring about an inevitable break up because you both looked stressed.

"Hey" you sigh, putting the groceries down on kitchen island and kicking off your shoes. "Im home!" No answer. You take your time unpacking and putting everything away neatly in the fridge. You shut the door and look at the polaroid picture stuck on by a mickey mouse fridge magnet. A picture of you and Chris from when you were younger at disney in front of the epcot ball, vanilla ice cream allover your faces. You smile, you couldn't remember much from the trip because you were both only 8 but you did remember telling each other you were going to be best friends forever.

"Did you get stuff for waffles?" Chris questions, walking in only in his gray sweatpants.

"Yep, I got whipped cream, strawberries, blueberries and chocolate syrup" you tell him, putting the picture back up.

"God I love you" he mumbles, kissing your cheek and getting a bottle of water out the fridge.

"Do you remember this?" You question.

"I remember you crying on the tower of terror"

"No i didn't” you say defensively”

“Yes you did, you didn't stop crying for like half an hour!” he laughs

“At least i didn't piss my pants!" You fire back, laughing.

"Hey! I didn't piss my pants" he groans.

"Yes you did!"

"No it was a tiny bit" he stresses.

"So you pissed"

"Y/N stop" he laughs. "I'm still embarrassed" his cheeks pink.

"Shut up pissypants" you giggle

"Y/n!" he drags out, pouting.

"What are you gonna do tell your mum?" You question.

"I might" he shrugs, finishing his water.

"Oh please do" you laugh.

"Stop i was like 5"

"We were 8!"

"So! You know what" he points trying to hold back his laughter. "I didn't forget when we had that sleepover and you had that sex dream about Jackson and you woke me up sleep talking" your cheeks burn.

"Oh my god shut up" you cover your face.

"Oooo Jackson" he says in a high pitch voice.

"It wasn't a sex dream" you stress. "Fine. Remember when..." you trail off, you lock eyes, both widening knowing you're thinking of the same thing.

"Dont!"

"When you had sex with Jessica and you only lasted 20 seconds!"

"We both know that isn't the case anymore" he winks trying to play it cool but you can read him like a book and the pained expression on his face let you know that he was dying on the inside, thinking back.

"How old were you again?" You tease

"Baby, stop it" he begs.

"Okay, i'll stop" you stomach hurt from laughing so much. "I wonder if Jessica remembers?" You ponder walking over to give him a hug and to tease him even more.

"You're the worst" he mumbles against your hair letting out a little laugh.

"I heard she has kids now, so does Jackson," he says quietly. You press your lips together pulling away.

"I think i'm going to go take a shower before you make those waffles" you say quietly, the entire mood shifting. He just nods. That was the thing it was great, brilliant even, when you joked around and just hung out until actual relationship stuff came up, like the subject of kids. The plan was always for yours and Chris's kids to be best friends just like you two were because both of your moms were. The plan never was to have kids together, the plan was never to start dating in the first place.

"Can I join you?" Chris questions snapping you back to reality. You really had no clue if Chris felt the same about this whole thing.

"Another time?"

"I promise I'll last longer than 30 seconds" he smiles.

"Who said anything about that?" You question biting back a smile. You could never say no. He was just mind blowing in bed, on the couch, on and against the counter top, in the back seat of the car, the shower was no exception. In fact this entire thing started because you both decided, wine drunk, that you should sleep together. You were both fresh out of relationships, both sad and horny. And when people saw you leaving the guest room they assumed you were secretly together, so you both decided to give it a try. You were just 'testing the waters' and to start with it was perfect for everything you could want but now? You just wanted your best friend but if you did break up would there be a friendship?

“Are you being serious right now Chris?” you were so angry.

“What?” he questions confused. Is he being for real?

“In that interview you said you were hoping to have kids in the near future!”

“Whats the issue, we’ve been together for over a year y/n, we aren’t getting any younger!” he stresses. “I do want kids, and you want kids but what is your problem? Is it me?” he questions, he looked heart broken. “Why don’t you want a family with me?”

“I’m just not ready yet Chris, i don’t want to rush things” you lie… well was it a lie? You wanted to wait and see if this was even going to work out.

"I’ve known you all your life i know when you're lying! Do you know how embarrassing it is when there's pictures of your girlfriend ducking out the way so i don’t kiss you? Its fucking embarrassing y/n you need to figure out what you want from me because i’m starting to think we both have very different priorities!" Chris shouts, you reach for his arm as he tries to leave. "Just give me some space"

At night you lay on opposite ends of the bed despite both of you being cuddlers.

"Whats on your mind?" You question, watching him chew at his lip.

"Nothing just tired" he lies.

"I know when you're lying" you sit up.

"And i know when you’re lying" he snaps. "I’m sorry" he quickly apologizes before wiping his eyes. "I’m sorry that i don’t make you happy" his voice was unsteady.

"You do make me happy" you crawl across the bed and pull him into a tight embrace, his head resting on your shoulder.

"You can be honest with me" he mumbles, running his fingers through your hair. "I see you pull your hand away when i go to hold it, i see how you cringe when i call you baby" he sounded heart broken.

"Chris" you whisper, your own heart breaking because you knew exactly where this was going.

"No don’t lie, i know you hate that we cant go anywhere with out people taking pictures and over analyzing everything we do. I see how you dodge the subject of babies and i know you want one" he sighs. "But not with me and that’s okay... I’m sorry but i don’t think i can do this anymore. I love you y/n i really do but i’m not in love with you" he lifts his head up to look at you, his eyes already red and puffy

"I-I don’t want to lose you" Your eyes sting and he just sighs, you felt as though you couldn’t breath. Even though you knew this would be the outcome it didnt hurt any less.

"You wont" he assures.

"What? Are we just going to look back in 10 years and be like wow remember the time you ate my coochie for like an hour and we pretended to love each other" you try to lighten the mood despite the heavy flow of tears from the both of you.

"You really do have a way with words y/n, but exactly" he forces a smile, despite his cheeks being stained with fresh tears. "Or remember the time when i lasted way long than 30 seconds" you let out a shaky laugh.

"I cant believe you’re breaking up with me" you mumble.

"If you want, you can break up with me?" He questions

"Remember the time i dumped your ass?"

"I do i cried like a baby just like you did when we watched marley and me for the first time" he reminisces

"Hey" you nudge his shoulder playfully. "You cried at that movie too"

"I did" he frowns. "Its a sad movie"

"I know bub. But what do we do now?"

"I don’t know. Do you want to spend some time apart?" He asks and you shrug. Usually after a break up you would find your self at Chris's house for a week or to or vice versa.

"I- I just broke up with a really amazing guy and i really need my best friend right now" you start to cry all over again. "Because i don’t want to lose him"

"You’ll never lose me" Chris whispers, now holding you in his arms rubbing circles on your back. "I love you"

"Ouch too soon" you joke wiping your tears again.

"I love you, platonically" he corrects. "Now? Do you want to watch back to the future or lion king?" Both of them were yours and Chris’s go to films when growing up. "I’m going to go get us some snacks"

"Its 2 am" you remind him.

"So? It will be like old times" he smiles. "Only this time my dad wont come in and shout at us for talking too loud"

"Remember when we were playing on the playstation at like 4am and your dad came in and split us up so we would actually sleep"

"Yeah" he smiles, his eyes bright. "I had to sleep on the couch and you got my bed but you come and got on the other couch so you weren’t alone because you were scared of the dark"

"It wasn’t me who was scared of the dark it was you"

"Maybe was both of us... maybe it was me" he laughs.

"I cant wait to tell everyone i dumped captain america" you laugh.

Whilst it wasn’t what you wanted you both took a step back from each other you moved out and got an apartment the other end of town and hardly ever saw Chris because he was always filming but you still got to see dodger all of the time, watching him when his family couldn’t. Sometimes you’re relationship gets brought up in interviews and he just smiles and shrugs.

"People say marrying or even just dating your best friend is the best thing you could do, but when you've been best friends since you were born it doesn’t really work. Its like we dated because we owed it to our self and our families to see if we would work out. We didn’t. That’s okay and thankfully we are still friends. Maybe its not actually mutual and that i’m just harassing her and y/n is too nice to tell me to tell me to leave her alone. please hang out with me y/n lets go get food, come watch a movie" he jokes. "No" he shrugs. "We are still best friends"

You were sat in the passenger seat of Chris’s car as he speeds down the road, the radio blaring.

"If you don’t stop with this crazy driving you’re going to send me into labor a month early" you tell him.

"That’s the plan i cant wait to meet my niece" he smiles stopping at a red light, he reaches over and rests his hand on your large bump. You groan as she starts to kick, it was something about Chris's voice she loved.

"She better not replace me" you joke.

"I guess you can come to our movie nights" he smiles. You were currently on your way to a restaurant out of town, you were craving the food and your fiance Matthew was at work so Chris offered to take you. Your laughter dies down and you just listen to the radio. Moral of the story playing, you could help but laugh to you self quietly looking over at Chris who was in deep thought. Was he thinking the same thing as you? Or did this some almost perfectly describe those 18 months you were together?

(btw my requests are open so feel free to send anything in)

#chris evans #chris evans imagine #chris evans one shot #chris evans x reader #chris evans angst

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gracelessfighters · 4 years

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pretend (pt.2)

JJ Maybank x female reader

Masterlist

Part 1

Summary: You cant stop thinking about JJ after spending time with him at the kegger, so you decide to seek him out.

Word count: 1.8k

Warnings: swearing, slight smut (if you squint), i think thats it?

A/N: i am not happy with this at all but im super tired and just wanted to post it so sorry in advance for the shitty writing - it also took longer than i wanted cos i didnt know where to go with the story so that was fun. Anyway i hope you like it (and feedback is always appreciated 🥺)

Tagging: @rudysbay @danicarosaline thanks for expressing interest in a second part 💙

You never thought that your mind would be occupied with JJ Maybank’s face as much as it had in the last week since the kegger you spent with him. To be honest it made you feel a little pathetic - it was one kiss and you were almost certain he wasn’t thinking about you as he literally is known for hooking up with girls and then not speaking to them.

The more you thought about him the angrier you got with yourself and your changing moods were becoming more and more obvious to your best friend Lily.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asked from where she was lying on your bed.

“Nothing, why?”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe it’s that you look like you’re about to rip that top you’re holding in half, you keep sighing and let’s not forget I can tell when you’re lying.” She smirked at you, knowing you had to tell her now.

“Fine,” You sighed, sitting on the bed next to her, “Remember the kegger we were at last week and how I spent it with that JJ guy?”

“Yeah?”

“Well I kinda want to see him again and I’m not sure if I’m being stupid because it was the first guy I ever really spent time with after Rafe and he’s hot but I don’t know, I feel stupid because he’s probably not given me a second thought.”

Lily grabbed your hand, “Babes, I love you but you’re a mess - you don’t know if he’s thought about you if you don’t ask, so stop torturing yourself.”

You nodded your understanding, “And so I think after our lunch today you should go and find him to ask then you’ll know .”

“I might.”

“No, you will, I’m gonna make you.” Lily laughed, jabbing your side with her finger.

———

Even if it was the most kooky thing to do, you and Lily often spent your time at the country club, either to eat or play golf with your dads, especially on a nice warm day like today.

The two of you had been there for around an hour just chatting constantly when a busboy came to clear up the table. You looked up to thank him but froze when you saw the face of JJ Maybank.

“JJ! Hi.”

He didn’t even acknowledge you, instead just finished picking up your glasses and left.

You turned to Lily, “Wow he really doesn’t give a shit about our fun evening then.”

She scowled at the back of him as he walked into the building, “What a dick.”

“Should I go and talk to him? Or is that a bad idea?”

“Yes you should, otherwise I’m going to talk to him and then possibly murder him as he’s hurting my best friend.”

You smiled as you rolled your eyes at her, “Please don’t.”

She stuck her tongue out at you as you stood up and followed JJ back into the building, hoping it wasn’t too upfront and that he would at least talk to you this time.

You saw him coming out the kitchen and shouted him over, he had a slight bit of annoyance written on his face but other than that nothing you could decipher.

“What do you want Y/N?” He asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Oh so you do know who I am,” you scoffed, “Why are you giving me such a cold shoulder? I thought we had fun.”

You were already regretting coming to talk to him, you were never this upfront or seemingly over-involved after spending a small amount of time with a guy, so it made you very uncomfortable.

“Yeah we had fun, but you’re a kook and I’m a pogue and as you said on the night we were just pretending, so what more is there?”

He began to turn to walk away when you reached out for his arm, “We might have been pretending but this week I’ve been wanting to see you again because I thought there could be something. Maybe I was wrong though.”

This time it was his turn to grab your arm as you turned away, and before you had time to speak, his lips were on yours. The kiss was nothing like you’d ever experienced, you could feel yourself melting into his arms, losing yourself in the kiss - he tasted like the sea and it was something you wanted to taste forever.

You broke apart, both smiling like idiots as you looked at each other, “That was-“ you began to say.

“A reason I shouldn’t have been such an asshole, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, and I wouldn’t mind making this a more common thing by the way.” You smiled at him.

“Well I’m on my break now so…” he offered his hand to you.

You giggled as you took it and he dragged you towards a more secluded corridor, pushing you against the wall and put his lips on yours, his hands on your hips as he deepened the kiss. You never wanted it to end - but you didn’t always get what you wanted.

“Huh so you weren’t annoyed at him for long then?” Lily joked from where she stood at the end of the corridor, arms folded as she took in the two of you.

You gave her the finger, not noticing the look on JJ’s face as he quickly moved away from you, putting his hands back in his pockets.

You gave him a questioning look, confused as to why he seemed nervous all of a sudden.

“It’s nearing the end of my break, I should, um probably go.” He pointed in the other direction and moved to head off.

You quickly pecked his lips, muttering to him “When are you free?”

“For you, anytime.”

You laughed, “you can always come to my house later, it’s easy to find.”

He grinned at you, “Will do princess.”

He had already turned away, luckily as he wasn’t able to see the blush that had spread across your cheeks at him calling you princess.

You couldn’t stop smiling, Lily raising her eyebrows at you as you walked towards her, “Damn girl I haven’t seen you like this in forever.”

“I haven’t felt like this in forever.” You admitted, the butterflies in your stomach still going crazy.

———

Sat at home that evening, you kept looking towards the door, hoping JJ would come round. Your parents weren’t home and you were an only child so there was no need to worry about any one bothering you.

There was a knock at the door, you quickly stood up and before opening it you checked yourself out in the mirror in the hall, you nodded to yourself and moved the handle. You were met with the shy smile of the blond boy, hands in his pockets like normal as he took in the size of your house.

“I’m surprised I haven’t mowed your lawn with a house this big.” He joked but you could tell it kind of bothered him, not that you knew what to say.

“Um, come in,” you stepped back allowing him to walk through the door then headed to the kitchen with him following you, “do you want a drink or something?”

“Nah I’m good thanks,” raising his eyebrows at the large glass of wine your poured yourself.

You sat in a comfortable silence just looking at each other, unsure of what to say.

“So,” he started, “do you surf?”

He did taste of the sea so you weren’t surprised this was one of the first things he asked about.

“I used to when I was younger but then my parents decided I needed ‘other, better hobbies’, so not really, but I do miss it.”

“When you’re free I’ll happily teach you how to again.”

You smiled at him, “holy shit I’d love that! I’ll probably make a complete fool of myself but at least it’d provide you with some entertainment.”

“And I’ll get to see you in a bikini.” He smirked

“Oh I look really good you’ll definitely like it.” You flirted back.

You chatted back and forth for hours, and at some point you two had moved to the living room where you were now sitting on his lap, slowly kissing each other, enjoying every second of it.

You were interrupted by a knock at the door, “What the fuck?” You say as you remove yourself from JJ’s embrace and go to see who it is - you were met with the last face you wanted to see, Rafe Cameron.

You held out your hand before he had the chance to speak, “Nope, fuck off Rafe I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Please Y/N I want to apologise.” He pleaded.

“I couldn’t give two shits about an apology because I don’t. care. about. you. That’s why we broke up and why I don’t want to have this conversation.”

You went to shut the door, only to be stopped by his foot.

“I still love you Y/N and no matter what you say I know you love me.”

In the corner of your eye you could see JJ stand up to come and see if you needed help, you shook your head to indicate him to stop - it would only make things worse if Rafe knew JJ was there.

“No I loved you Rafe. Past tense. You made me miserable and I still loved you for so long, but not anymore, so please go.”

He stepped back, “I will get you back Y/N.”

Slamming the door on his face you muttered, “Sure you will.”

You leant against the door for a second, even talking to him for a few minutes completely drained you, how did you date him for so long?

“Hey, you good?” JJ asked from where he leant against the doorframe of the living room.

You walked over to him, wrapping your arms around his waist, “Yeah I am now.”

Removing yourself from the hug, you patted his chest, “Right that’s enough of the heavy stuff, what do you want to do?”

He smirked at you as he pressed his lips against yours, instantly wiping the thoughts about Rafe out of your mind. He lifted you up so your legs could wrap around him, your hands behind his head as he led you back towards the sofa.

You were sat on his lap and as he moved his lips over your neck you moaned, wanting him to do more.

You blushed, “thank you, you’re not too bad yourself.”

He chuckled and moved to take off your shirt - you raised your arms to make it easier before moving back in to kiss him.

It ended being one of the best nights of your life, you were so glad you pretended to be with him that night at the kegger.

#for someone who does nothing all day im shATTERED #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank #jj x reader #jj maybank imagine #rudy pankow #outerbanks #outerbanks fic #outer banks #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron #john b routledge #kiara carrera #pope heyward #obx #obx fic #outrebanx #outer banks imagine

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stay-trash-2017 · 4 years

Text

Lost Star

Warnings: attempted suicide, drugs, and a fuck Ton of angst

Pairing: Best friend!Felix x Reader

A/n: I really poured my heart into this enjoy

Lixie<3: Y/N? Ill be heading your way in like an hour! Please text me back, I’m worried :/

Your phone lit up with the message from your best friend since basically birth. Have you read it? No. The soft fabric of your sheets pressed down on your body, silent sobs escaped your lips. The hot tears that rolled from your eyes stained your cheeks with the most pain you ever felt. You cant count how many times you had tried to get out of bed without feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. The thoughts in your head were too heavy to carry around all day, you were being crushed by the weight of school, work, bills, and love. All you wanted was to be loved truly, to be loved deeply. Of course you knew that if you ever needed Felix you could easily get ahold of him but you knew deep down he didnt truly care about the thing you told him.

Youve convinced yourself Felix doesnt care, so whats the point in staying around this horrible place if you have no one to care for you when you need it? The world would be so much better if your feet no longer trudged on its grassy plains anymore. One less person for the economy to support. Would anybody really miss you? Of course not, nobody even knows youre alive. You havent answered the phone in days and to be completely honest there was nobody in your phone who had cared enough to even stop by and check on you. Not even Felix.

You pulled your lifeless body out from underneath your warm covers, you knew that what you were about to do was long overdue. The slow tired walk to the bathroom down the hall felt like an eternity. Once in the bright pale lights of the bathroom, your heart sunk. The cabinet that held the most delicate medications sat just a mere foot in front of your face. Your tired arms reached out to open the cabinet, from the small thin shelves inside you pulled a small bottle of Oxycodone. A pain reliever. The only pain reliever you’ll ever need again. Your thin fingers struggled to open the bottle.

Your choked sob and cries could be heard in all areas of the apartment you'd been living in for the past 7 years. You were crying so hard that it was all you could hear. The tears blurred your vision enough for you not to be able to see straight.

>>>>>>>

Felix slipped the spare key you had given him into the slot and pushed open the door to be met with the sounds of your cries of pain. He dropped all his stuff immediately, not caring to organize anything or be neat about it. His heart sank when he heard you crying. He loves you so much that for you to be hurt was a pain that was unbearable on his behalf. His heart thudding in his ears as he shot to your empty room. The now quieter sobs were coming from the bathroom. Felix practically broke down the door, he knew what was happening on the other side and he couldn't lose you that way. He couldnt let the love of his life slip out of his fingertips. The moment the door was opened he pulled the small orange bottle out of your fragile and tossed it out of reach. Your body was pulled against his strong chest.

You gripped onto Felix like he was the last person you would ever see. He held your body tight in his embrace, your tears staining his hoodie. The tears that left his eyes fell into your soft hair, Felix rarely ever cried, so when he did you knew he was hurt. Your arms found their way around his waist, you didn't want him to feel like this and goddammit it was your fault.

“Lix, p-ple-please dont e-ver leave me, Yo-youre my s-soulmate. I-I cant lose you!” you sobbed into his chest, which caused him to hold you closer than you thought was possible. His hand held your over his racing heartbeat. He couldnt lose you ever.

“Princess, im not ever going anywhere! I love you why cant you see that” he sobbed while stroking your hair. When your eyes were cleared of the tears you tilted your head upward to make eye contact with him. His soft lips planted a small soft kiss on your forehead.

“Y/N you're my lost star, now that i've got you i'm not ever letting go.”

“Promise?”

“I promise angel”

#stray kids #bang chan #han jisung #hwang hyunjin #lee minho #lee felix #changbin smut #stray kids smut #yang jeongin #bang chan angst #felix angst #lee felix smut #lee felix fluff #stray kids soft hours #stray kids hard hours #stray kids angst #skz felix #bestfriend! Felix #lee felix angst

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lanseax · 3 years

Note

okay so give me your opinion on all the girls, who is your fave what are your thoughts

HELL YES, thank you for giving me permission to spill my soul (obviously gonna contain spoilers)

dot: Love her, her story breaks my heart, her story hit me really hard on the aspect of doing things for yourself, being your own support system because your parents are sick or not around, and that made me instantly feel for her. i also loved how she was written, she wasn’t volatile, she didn’t explode because thats not who she was, she was tired of living through hell day after day and finally gwtting this one chance to go to hawaii and do something fun and it fucked her over. her scene of giving the lighter to rachel made so much sense like she has done EVERYTHING she can and the world keeps shitting on her. (would have liked to see a bit more of her and shelby)

fatin: so when i saw the trailer i was instantly like “who dis” and wow did they fucking serve up a god damn six course meal with her. she just wants to be a kid, she wants to have fun and party and get a B on a test without thinking how her parents are going to react. she’s every student who was told they were gifted and then their parents hounded them to keep up with their gift even if they didn’t want to. i did want to strangle her dad tho like he turned it on his daughter instead of taking responsibility fuck that. her and leah’s relationship was something i wasn’t expecting but really fell in love with. her being an anchor while leah was suffering from so much. (looking forward to more of her mom-ing the group)

leah: i’ll be honest i thought she was a whiny bitch at first, i didnt like her, her story was meh, a usual girl falls in love with boy, boy breaks her heart, girl cant cope. i wasn’t super interested in her until that turning point with fatin going missing and the deep realization that her heart is gonna be broken but she cant let that be a block for the rest of her life. she’s gonna need more help to get through it but she’s taking baby steps and we love to see that. (more of her and fatin please!!)

martha: IF ANYONE TOUCHES HER ILL FUCKING KILL THEM, i’m very worried because like she wasn’t in the “present” timeline (im assuming the interviews are present) and they were talking about her parents possibly suing. please dont hurt my baby. Her entire arc was baffling, i said it in the tags of one post that the comparison of sexual assault to hunter vs prey was a beautiful comparison i just think the ending was a bit too much. but i could write an essay on that alone. her and shelby being friends was so heart warming like they were making plans to hang out omg. PLEASE DONT HURT MY BABY. (im serious please dont hurt her)

nora: DIDNT TRUST HER FROM THE START, it was her initial line when leah asked if anyone remembered how they got there that pulled me in. she was conscious for the whole thing, no one remembered going to shore they just were there but suddenly nora was conscious and she pulled rachel to the shore??? mmmm dont buy it. her story with rachel was so deep and compelling that i was expecting more of that not her falling for a guy and the breakup. that shit made her betrayal hit different it didnt make me pissed at her it made me sad for her, gretchen completely manipulated nora’s grief into a tool to get her to agree to this. that shit hurted.

rachel: man that entire story of an athelete peaking was so well done, because its not a story often told with athletes its usually they broke something and it made them no longer able to compete or something or they get a big comeback but rarely is it, “hey you’ve done the best you can”. and i’ve seen what that can do to people, young girls especially. it hurts and its painful and you would do everything to hold onto that. it made me wanna wrap rachel in a warm hug and give her a cookie. (would like to see her get more friendly with the others, am very interested in finding out if in “present” time she knows nora was in on it and if she’ll choose her sister vs her friends)

shelby: i was honestly expecting a more violently homophobic back story. her story floored me though, im so upset at how she lashed out at becca but i know it must eat at her every day, how could it not? i really do hope she becomes more confident in who she is and who she wants to be with, i really dont wanna see her regress but i know it might happen. i know for a fact if i was in the situation and someone was as optimistic as she was i would knock em out so props to the other girls (THE SCENE where she keeps asking to “see her” i was so hoping she meant toni and they were gonna get this reunion kiss but when she said leah that made it even more intriguing)

toni: i cannot state how much i love toni and how much i related to her in the sense of just wanting to yell and scream and break shit when you’re angry, i’ve gotten to a much better place but man i knew that energy so well once upon a time. her story with regan kinda fucked me up, that type of heartbreak hurts. but seeing that and then seeing toni be so calm with shelby because they’re already in such a shit scenario and toni knows shelby has to go at her own pace FUCK THAT MADE MY HEART MELT (i need the entire piss throwing story because like... how? just how?)

my favs are toni, shelby, fatin and martha. i love all of the girls but they’re the ones im deeply invested in. i noticed a bit ago that this is shockingly one of the only shows where i love every single character. like all of them are so interesting snd complex and that just speaks to the team behind the show, like fucking kudos to them they deserve some awards.

#nox answers #anon #ASK ME MORE BOUT THE WILDS PLS #tv: the wilds #tv #the wilds spoilers

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50-percent-winchester-sister · 4 years

Text

The Emo Phase

THIS IS MY FIRST SISTER WINCHESTER ONE SHOT PLEASE DONT HATE IT I CRIII

Dean: 26

Sam: 22

Y/N: 15

When you were 15, that’s when you had an emo phase, and Sam and Dean were NOT pleased

You had a short temper and a prissy attitude and they were not having any of it. You wore all black and according to Dean ‘slutty’ clothes, which made you more mad at him

You snuck out all the time and each time they got tired of you so Sam grounded you for 2 months

“What? You can't ground me what the fu-”

“I think I just did. Room. Now.”

And when Sam grounds you, you know you can't get out of it easily. Even so, instead of being a good kid and saying sorry, you slammed and locked your door.

You were so mad you balled your hand into a fist and shattered your mirror and threw the stuff that was on your dresser on the floor. Let’s just say, your room didn’t deserve the things you did to it.

About an hour or so later your energy drained because you were mad at Sam. Mad at Dean. Mad at yourself

You cried for hours and when you woke up you looked like a mess with red puffy eyes

Until it hit you. You woke yourself up, Dean didn’t come in and call you Princess, he hasn’t in a while…

You opened your door and walked to the kitchen doorframe to see Sam and Dean at the kitchen table, Sam on his laptop and Dean drinking a beer looking at the newspaper.

You just stood there silently for a minute until you decided to walk past them to get something to drink

Dean looks up and sees you saying “There’s our little ball of sunshine” sarcastically

“Bite me” “Hey I’m not the one who got grounded by Sammy”

“Whatever don’t talk to me” You grab yourself a glass of milk and go to your room to get dressed for school.

You walk into your room and “Wow...Did I do all of that?” You were so filled with adrenaline and hate you blocked out most of what happened last night after you got grounded

You got dressed and went into the kitchen to achieve your backpack, glasses and the ribbon your mom got you.

“Y/n your rooms a mess you’re gonna clean it up when you get back fro-”

“Yeah no shit, it's not like I’m gonna keep it that way, Sam”

You didn’t want to stay there any longer and decided to walk to school. Your school is a few miles away and one of your brothers usually takes you, but you could bare being near them right now.

You were already 20 minutes late to first hour and frankly, you didn’t give two flying fucks

You decided to skip 1st hour because honestly they're’s no point on going anymore

You skipped second hour because you hated the teacher and skipped third hour because that teacher always gives you a hard time.

In fourth hour (the hour you FINALLY decided to come to class) you got sent to the councilors office

“Are you Y/n m/n Winchester dear?”

“Yeah, why?”

“The principals have contacted your guardians to come to this school to pick you up, you’re suspended for 4 days”

“Wait for WHAT? What did I even do??”

“We’ll talk about that once your guardians are here”

Your back is turned away from the door and once you heard that door open you KNOW you’re done for. For the first time in a while, you’re scared to be near your brothers.

“Are you two Sam and Dean Winchester?”

“Yes we are, hello”

Sam on your left and Dean on your right, you can't leave even if you tried

“We have called you in here today to inform you that y/n has been suspended for 4 days due to breaking Sabrina Gillie’s nose and breaking Callie Monoys’ arm”

'Oh right… that’s what I did' you thought while trying to remain calm

It was silent for a few moments which felt like forever

“Thank you so much for telling us we’ll take the right disciplinary action”

You, Sam and Dean, walked out of the office and were walking through the hallways to get to the Impala.

You usually like quiet but right now you were going insane.

You hated the silence, it was digging into your skin like needles

You, Sam and Dean, were in the impala when the silence broke in 3...2...1...

"Y/n, what the hell were you thinking?" Dean says with venom in his voice

"Yeah okay, ask me what I was thinking and not what they were thinking, sure do that"

"Son of a bitch y/n I know you think you're 'so' cool now but dammit come on, you broke a girl's nose and another girl's arm"

"Fucking hell Dean it's not like I 'wanted' to do it, they deserved it!"

"No more out of you Y/n, once we get in the bunker you're going straight to your room and staying there, you got me?"

"No," you say like a calm but dark undertone.

"Excuse me?" Sam says looking back at you

"I said no, me, Claire and her friend Alex are hanging out tonight at Claire's house"

"The hell you are," Sam says "You're still grounded, missy"

"Do NOT call me missy you asshole, and screw you I can just sneak out"

"I'll lock your door"

"I can go out the window"

"you're room is upstairs"

"I have my ways, Sam"

"THAT'S IT!! Y/n, I'm tired of you acting like just because you're our sister you can get away with the shit you're doing!" Sam says as he wipes his face with his hands

"That's not-"

" No! I don't want to do this but Dean, you think we should send her to Jody's for a few days?"

"WHAT?" You say in a piercing, sinister scream enough to make Dean stop the car and look back at you

"I am NOT going to Jody's! You can't make me, Sam!"

"If you don't want to go to Jody's, then all this attitude of yours has gotta stop, okay?"

You three finally are at the bunker and you get out of the Impala before it fully stops and head inside and ran up to your room. You stayed in there for a good two hours cleaning up, but its because you wanted to, not because of Sam and Dean. It's 7:25 pm when you heard Dean call your name, reluctantly, you did as told. "Me and Sammy are going on a hunt, you need anything while we're out?"

All you did was look down and shake your head no and walk back to your room. no "Ill miss you two" or "Be safe, call me and ill be there," just....silence, and honestly Dean didn't know if he should be nervous or not.

You turned your phone off because honestly, you didn't want to be bothered by anyone, all by yourself with your thoughts. 'Wow I'm such a disappointment to them' 'Im such an awful sister, they want to send me away to Jody' 'God why can't I just do shit right for once?"

They left a note on the kitchen counter saying they will be back by later tonight so you thought of making them some pie, Karjalanpiirakka. Karelian Pie that Claire taught you how to make a couple of years ago

When it was finished you decided to clean up the kitchen, library and living room while you still had the time by yourself. When you were done, saying you were happy for yourself is an understatement, you were damn proud! It was 2 am by the time you settled down and watched Spiderman-Homecoming on the big tv screen.

About an hour later Sam and Dean enter the bunker and looked honest to god shocked on how clean it was.

"Sammy? Do you see this shit? Are we high?" 'Yeah I see it, you think she's okay?"

They see you sleeping on the couch, sitting up and Sam walks up to you and wakes you up, he says "Why don't you sleep on your own bed bugaboo, it's more comfortable there" "Its alright Sammy, I was trying to stay awake for when you two came back home to make sure you two were alright"

A smile was dragged across Sam's face when you said that, he like this, he liked this y/n, the y/n you used to be before all...this happened

You walked over to Dean and asked if he was okay and he said only a few manageable cuts. you nodded and walked to your room to sleep.

When you left Sam said to Dean "You think that Jody trick worked?" "That was a trick?" "Of course it was Dean, I know she loves Jody but even if she doesn't like being away from us for that long" "well I guess we'll see tomorrow."

When you woke up you ran downstairs to see your brothers in the kitchen, Sam making breakfast and Dean at the kitchen table talking to Sam. Sam notices you and smiles, "Mornin Sunshine. since you're still grounded you're getting waffles instead of pancakes." You look at him for a second and start to laugh. He looks at Dean, then back to you, "What?" "That's the best you got? pfft come on Sammy you can discipline me harder" you say during laughing fits. "Okay then, no breakfast?" "That's more like it"

You start to walk to your room when you turn around and asked Sam "Hey Sam?" "Yeah?" "I-" You realize if you asked him, you would cry in front of him, and you don't want that. "I- Nevermind its nothing. I'll be in the training room if you two need me" You turn around to walk into the training room and start working out. an hour and thirty minutes later you turn around to see Sam with his arms folded leaning on the door frame

"Oh, hey," you say out of breath

"Hey yourself. What were you wanting to say to me a while ago?" You looked a bit shaken up but you let out an "Its nothing I said, don't worry 'bout it." Sam looks a little bit worried but with everything that's going on with you, he needs you to talk. "Come on bugaboo, let's talk and Dean doesn't have to know unless you want him to" "Sam its nothing okay? Drop it" "y/n-" "Sam, dammit I said I don't want to talk" Sam jumped at the sudden snap of your voice. "I'll be in the library if you want to talk"

You're in your room doing fuck all since Dean took your phone and your tv when you hear a knock on your door.

"Its Dean can I come in?" "......Yeah"

Dean comes in and sees you laying down on the floor with red eyes.

"Talk to me, why did you go all 'hulk' on Sammy?"

"No, I don't want to"

"Sucks to be you, Princess, you don't have a choice"

"The hell I don't" you sit up and turn to him "You can't make me Dean"

"The hell I cant" mocking you "I'm not leaving till you decide to make this into a chick flick moment"

"I thought you hate chick flick moments"

"Yeah I do, now talk y/n"

"Dean I cant"

"What do you mean you cant?"

"Dean I-, I just cant"

"So you want Sam to take you to Jody's and keep you there?"

".....No"

"Then talk princess"

You high in defeat "It's complicated"

"Well you better find the right words hon, or its gonna be a long night"

Dean walks away and you feel like you just left earths void.

Dinner was grossly quiet, and you knew it was because of you. After dinner, Sam and Dean left to go to the library to read up on some lore and thirty minutes later you walk up to the library door frame and just stood there for a solid minute and they didn't notice you. "Hey." They jump at your voice and look at you "Hey y/n" they both said in unison. "I just wanna say sorry for the way I've been acting lately. I've been a total dick towards you guys when I know you two are just looking out for me. I bet I was hell to raise and pulling this shit is just adding more stress to you guys"

They both had a face of both shock and...relief?

"Y/n, come here," Sam says. You hesitate but you do so anyway "You have no idea how happy I am that you said that" He gives you a big moose hug and you hugged him back. "And yes you were absolute hell to raise" "Dean!" "What? She said it not me" You laugh and let go of Sam to hug Dean. "Sammy?" "Yes?" "No Jody's?" "No Jody's" you right in relief. "Not unless you start acting like miss priss again" You fastly stare at Dean "Call me that again and I'll show you a miss priss" Sam and Dean both laugh. "Am I still grounded?" Sam laughs and says "You got suspended of course you are" You frown and that's when Sam said "Two weeks." You turn to see him and smiled brightly. You start walking away when you say "God I love you boys" under your breath, but nevertheless they heard you and you know they'll be teasing you about it for weeks

#sister!winchester #sister!reader #sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #sam and dean #dean and sam #sam x sister!reader #dean x sister!reader

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the209social · 3 years

Text

2020

5:59pm 11.03.2020

Anson Seabra “Thats Us” on repeat

I have gone through my share of trials and tribulations over the years, yet if you would have told me that in 2020 i was going to lose close friendships, get my heart stepped on, have a breakdown and go through a scary health situation, i would have told you that you were crazy. There are no words that could have prepared me for the events that have happened to me in the last couple of months. To be honest they even shock me as i sit here thinking of them. Im in a state of disbelief, i sit here numb to the feelings that flow through me and all the events that have occurred.

Back in May my closest friend of over 15 years decided to stop talking to me. Basically i got ghosted by the one friend that i loved and cherished the most. Sophia was the one person that had been there through all the times i cried, laughed and felt depressed. I felt like i had lost a small portion of myself. Such a cowardly way to end a friendship if you ask me. No explanation as to why i wasn’t worth a conversation as to why she no longer wanted to be friends with me anymore. I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me and i was falling but just couldn’t seem to hit the ground. As time moved forward and i heard nothing from this so called friend i came to the realization that our friendship was really over. I can’t say that i took the time to cry because somewhere deep down in me i had hope that we could pick up where we left off. When people would ask me about her i simply smiled with pain deep in my soul and just told people that we didn’t talk anymore. One thing that i never did was talk ill about her. I don’t hold any grudges over her. I have nothing but good things to say about her because she held my hand through some of my darkest moments in life. For that i will always be thankful. I just wish she could have been upfront with me and given me a reason as to why she felt that our friendship was no longer worth continuing. Maybe i did do something to trigger these horrific events, but i will never know because words were never spoken to mend the situation. So i can’t sit here and pretend that im sorry because i don’t know the reasons why it all ended. With time i learned to stop wanting answers and as the months continued without a sign of slowing down i became contempt with the idea of not getting answers and i lost interest in fixing this broken friendship. Sophia has become nothing more than a memory of a beautiful time that has come and past. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but that’s it. I no longer desire to rekindle a friendship who held no value for me.

Around the same time that i was being ghosted by my friend i was beginning to fall in love for Luis, a guy that i saw potential in as a human being. For the first time in a long time i was feeling something again. If you follow my tumblr you’ll know that the last time i felt anything for a guy was for Romeo. It felt good to be liberated in a way from those feeling i had for him. It was a new beginning for me that i didn’t know how to go about it. I was tired of hiding my feeling but i was scared to tell Luis because he and i had formed a strong friendship. In the beginning of the year I literally bent over backwards for him and helped him through probably one of the toughest situations he had ever been through in his life. I thought he would take my actions and everything i did for him into consideration if i told him how i felt for him. I was tired of living in fear of expressing my feelings so i wrote him a long email telling him how i felt and how special he was to me. To be honest i had a tinny bit of hope that he would take a chance on me. I truly thought that he would see the potential in me and how willing i was to go the extra mile for him because i saw greatness in him even on his worse days. I thought that he would see that i was put in his path for a reason. Deep in my soul i wondered if Luis would see that i was one of the few people that encouraged him to become a better version of himself. Sadly it would not be meant to be. He never said he didn't love me in return, he simply said he wanted to stay friends. I thought we could have been something great together. I tried not to make things awkward between us because i was grown up enough to understand that i could still love Luis, even if it meant only being his friend. So there i was suppressing feeling for someone again. Oh yeah, and Sophia at one point had warned me that as soon as Luis was comfortable and not worried about the situation he was going through, he would set me aside because he knew how much i loved him and i would always be there regardless. Little did i know that those words would stick with me like an afterthought in the back of my head. So as time went by Luis, the man i had such a strong friendship with, and that knew i had feelings for him, started to text and call me less and less. There were nights where i wished he would call to just hang out and watch a movie and bake cookies like we use to do. I would watch his social media stories and i would see him hanging out with people that didn’t give two fucks about him. It actually made me feel worthless because i cared for his future and his well being but there is only so much you can do. As my feelings grew more and more for him i began to notice that i was the one that was always reaching out to him to hang out, to talk or simply text. I saw how he lost interest in my company so i made a decision that i knew would hurt me at first but that with time i would heal. I decided that i would no longer view his stories on social media, the less i knew about Luis the better. Also i decided that i would no longer reach out to him. I was not going to make the same mistakes i did with Romeo by giving him feelings and time he didn’t want or deserved. I came to the conclusion that Luis could care less and that i needed to be on the same page and be okay with it. So i stopped calling and texting him. It was my turn for him to miss me. Weeks would go by, even a full month before i would get a text from him just to say “hi, how are are you doing?” That was pretty much the most we really talked. It always felt like he was texting me out of boredom. I can’t lie. I truly yearned to hear from Luis at first, but as time went by i began to occupy my mind in other areas of my life that needed my attention. Areas that i had put on the back burner to please others or simply because i was busy giving so much love away that i forgot to also love myself. So i started to miss him less and less. But every so often i would come across his name in my phone or a picture and all those feelings i was working so hard to avoid would try rushing back. I learned to cry it out at night and let it go. So in the end my friendship with Luis has also dwindled into little moments full of amazing memories. Do i still love him? I would be lying if i said i don’t have feelings for him anymore. I care for him a lot and there are still nights that i stay up not being able to sleep because he’s on the back of my mind, but is it love? I think it was love at one point, but he showed me his true colors and how unimportant i am in his life. All i have for him now is good wishes. I hope he finds that happiness i know he is desperately looking for and that he learns from his mistakes to become that amazing man i know he will be one day. I hope he finds someone that is willing to love him as much as i did and is willing to ride through the sunny days as well as through his storms like i was. He actually told me recently that he met someone. I have to admit that it felt like being stabbed, not in my heart but in my soul. It hurt me to my very core and i felt a bit of jealous that this complete stranger that hadn’t put in any work or feelings into him, could simply come along and make him feel like she’s worth it and i wasn’t. But i realized that i cant force him to love me no matter what i do for him, the effort i put in or the feelings i show him. At the end of the day i want those that i love to also find a love of their own even if its not with me. As he was telling me about this girl he met i sat there looking into his eyes hoping he would not see the brokeness in mine. I smiled through my pain and his words that had shattered me inside and i wished him luck on his new relationship. That’s real love. For now, i’m okay with calling him a friend even though i wish it could have been more, but i rather have a little bit of him than none at all.

As my feelings for Luis were dwindling i began to fall into an area of sadness that i had never experienced before. In that sadness i found solace in my memories of Romeo. At first he would pop up when i felt the most sad. I would remember times where we had laughed or just shared something special. Maybe a party we both went too or a car ride where we sang at the top of our lungs to music we both liked. It was little things that came to mind. My mind would take me back to the long conversations that we shared about life in my room and in our cars, where we talked all night about hopes and dreams until the sun came up. I did not miss Romeo in a romantic way because i was still dealing with my feeling for Luis, but the more Luis ignored me the more space Romeo began to take in my mind. The more time went by i began to stop thinking of Luis at night and i began to think of Romeo. I must be clear that i missed Romeo as a person and as a friend. It got to the point where i thought about Romeo so much that i went onto his social media. There i saw a video of him singing a song that i would always request from him to sing when he would play his guitar at parties. I sat there hearing him sing this song with so much emotion that it brought tears to my eyes. I had forgotten what his voice sounded like. I had forgotten how easily i got lost in his eyes. I couldn’t help but think “why didn’t it work out between us? Why doesn't it ever work out with the person i give all my love too?” Without thinking i double-taped his video. I could have taken it back, but i wanted him to know that i saw it and that i liked it. I wanted him to know that i did not harbor any hate towards him. Yes he did break me in ways that no man had ever done before, but time had made me grow and i had learned to forgive and let go. The more time that went by the more i called Romeo with my thoughts. I honestly believe that when you manifest what you desire to the universe it grants it to you, but it’s up to us to make something of the opportunity or it will simply slip away. With that being said during this time i had my routine of going to the park and jogging and walking with a great friend of mine. One summer day as i was walking around the park from a distance i saw a man by himself bouncing a soccer ball around and i immediately knew that was Romeo. I could spot him in a crowd of a million people. I can still remember his mannerisms and the way he moved and walked. I saw him several other times after that for about two weeks but i never took the initiative to walk up to him and attempt to talk things out. The want was there, i was just afraid of the outcome. I feel like he probably wanted me to take the initiative and speak to him first, why else would he come to the park again and again knowing that’s where i worked-out. Sadly when i finally worked up the courage to talk to him he stopped coming to the park and i never saw him come back. Things have to be done in the moment. I feel like the universe was giving me a big sign to mend things between us but i threw away the opportunity. Then i started jogging at the levee so i will never know if he ever went back. Still i couldn’t stop thinking that we could mend things and start fresh, begin a new friendship. One day that i felt extra sad i sat on my bed and began to compose a letter for him. I wrote from the deepest parts of my broken soul and i literally cried the whole time i wrote. I didn’t know if he had the same number so i decided to send it through DM on IG. He never opened or read it. I guess i thought that his friendship would bring me comfort, simply because it had once before and i was in need of someone that could calm my soul and bring me peace. I knew that he was one of the only persons that could make me feel at peace. I mean i couldn’t run to my friend Luis that i had feeling for because he was too busy living his life and not including me. I mean not even a call or text to hang out. The weeks went by and my hopes began to die that Romeo would actually open my letter and at least write “fuck you” in return. I had this stupid hope that we could be friends and start all over. Who knows what it would have led to but at least we would have had a fresh start, leaving the past behind us. I guess i’m a dreamer and i wish a little too hard. If it didn’t happen it’s for a reason and with all the things that had happened to me up to that point i learned to simply let go. After weeks of waiting for him to read my DM i finally grew tired and i simply went into the DM and took my message back and deleted it. Once again i had to move on from something new. I promised myself that i would never reach out to him every again and i would never go onto his social media, and i’ve kept my promise since that day.

As life attempted to teach me self value i had another friendship that i didn’t know was hanging from a thread. My friend Mimi’s birthday was coming up and the whole month i kept asking her what her plans were. She was one of my closest friends. I loved and still love Mimi with my whole entire soul, but there are actions in life that speak louder than words. My friend had initially told me that she wanted to go to Tahoe for her birthday. I asked her to tell me with time so that i could save up for the trip. I was excited to be able to spend her big day with her. She was important to me and she knows this. As the month came to a close she told me she had no plans and that at the most she would have something small at her house. When her birthday weekend came i reached for my phone to ask her what were the plans since she hadn’t told me anything. As i opened my phone, for some strange reason it took me straight to Facebook and a video popped up. It was my friends turning up for her birthday and at first i didn’t think anything of it. I initially thought that she was celebrating at another’s friends house. In my head i thought, “hey i’ll just hit her up and i’ll get an invite.” As the video continued i notice that it was not our friends house that she was at. I also noticed that Sophia was there. I checked to see if the location had been tagged on the video and it had. They were all in Tahoe celebrating. I had been left out. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I was tired of being hurt by the people i loved the most. I turned off my phone and i felt this deep hurt in chest and knot in my throat. I was tired of holding so much in and i simply let it out and cried. I tried to reason as to why i was left out. I attempted to come up with scenarios as to why my very close friend would exclude me from celebrating her big day with her knowing that i was constantly telling her what the plan was for her birthday. So i came to the conclusion that she must of not known about it. Obviously her big day was planned by someone who didn’t want me there and i accepted that. What i could not understand was how did Mimi not find in her heart to text me and say, “hey i know you wanted to celebrate my bday with me but i didn't know about this surprise and i’m sorry you didn't get an invite.” Would i still have been hurt, yes. Would i have understood, yes. Yet that didn’t happen and i stayed hurt. When the day of her actual birthday came i could not bring myself to wish Mimi a happy birthday. Not because i was being petty or to prove a point but because i still felt so hurt and i knew that my birthday wishes would not have been sincere. I honestly thought she would reach out and we would talk it out. I really never thought she would stop talking to me. Sitting here and writing about this memory i cant help but cry. This one hurt a little different. After all the other things that i have gone through i started to just learn to let go. So i took the time to grieve and cry it out and i simply just let go. I don’t doubt she has people in her ear telling her that reaching out to me is not worth it. To be honest if it was that easy to throw me to the side and not care about me, i rather she never reach out. This just makes me think twice about who really is my friend. Im tired of always being the one to beg for friends and i’m tired of being the one to fix relationships. Im sorry if you feel like i’m not putting any effort into the situation, but i want to feel loved too. i want to see if i’m worth fighting for just as much as i would of been willing to fight for any of the people i have written about today. Am i worth it?

So much was happening in my life and i had so many feelings that i just didn’t know how to deal with them that i began to pick up old habits. I began to go out a lot and get plastered drunk to cope with the feelings of losing close friends. I would get drunk and flirt with guys i would meet at the club, then leave with them and hook up with these idiots i found cute at the moment. The alcohol was a way to numb the sadness i felt for losing friends and leaving with other guys was just a way to numb my feelings i felt for Luis. The drinking made me forget, even if it was for a moment. To top it off the day came when i had to get a surgery that i had been planning with my doctor for over a year. I told very few people about it. I usually put everything up on social media but this time i decided i would keep this to myself. There were risks going in and i knew that it was a delicate surgery. The week before my surgery i asked Luis to hang out and he responded by saying “Yeah ill definitely visit you before the 15th ill text you or call when i’m free lately everyone’s been needed my help.” It’s funny that every time his social media came up he was out on the boat or bike riding or hanging out with other friends. He was so “busy.” He’s the only person that i reached out to and asked to see before my surgery. Luis never made the time to come see me. That made me feel so worthless. Sophia’s words began to haunt me, “as soon as the situation that he was going through passes or gets better he’s going to set you aside.” Sophia was right, but when you like someone you put up with a lot of shit, but there is always a breaking point. The day of the surgery came. Even Mimi text me to say good luck. I responded with a thank you and i told her i loved her, she never wrote back. To be honest somewhere deep down i kinda hoped to close my eyes and never open them again. I just wanted to stop feeling everything at once. I went into the operating room asking the universe to just send me onto my next life. I laid there on the operating room table staring at the large lights that they use to operate. The doctor asked if i was ready, i just gave a sad smile, took a deep breath and closed my eyes hoping not to open them again. My surgery was suppose to take 2-3 hours. I ended up having to have two surgeries, had breathing problems while under anesthesia and i was in surgery for 10 hours. I woke up and opened my eyes, i felt no pain just some major soreness. Things felt different within me. I was wheeled to my room and my stuff was brought to me. My phone was full of messages and missed calls from actual friends that remembered i had surgery that day and they were worried as to why i wasn’t returning their text and calls. That night i decided that i would never again in my life let anyone control so much of my emotions. I promised myself to only love as much as i was loved and to only input into a relationship and friendship as much as the other person put in. I promised to make changes in myself and to slowly begin to let go of all the “friendships” that i felt did not add to my growth. It was time to match the energy others gave to me.

My recovery was faster than i expected. I had lots of soreness but no pain. The first week i needed a walker to get around. the second week i got stronger and i had my catheter taken out. On Thursday it will be three weeks since my surgery and i’m able to get out of bed myself and walk around with more ease. I can see myself healing so fast. Maybe its my new outlook on life and i cant wait to get out into the world and work on the new me. I want to build the few friendships that i have left and make them strong. I want to meet new people that want to live life and not spend it at house parties, bars and clubs. Don’t get me wrong those activities are fun but they should not be weekly thing. As for love, I don’t ever want to experience it again. I want to finish school, travel more even if it’s on my own and start having children and give them all my love.

Throughout these last months i know that i have gone through a lot, but there were also people in my life that made it bearable. I want to take the time to thank those few friends that kept checking in on me and invited me to be part of their special moments or simply call me to hang out and just talk. You all made life a bit more easy and for that i will always be thankful. It also made me realize what true friendship looks like. I love you all.

11:30pm

#2020 #Memories #life #heartbreak #losses #love story #memoir #stay strong #nothing is forever #hard times #new beginnings #new blog #gay blog #gay #lgbtq blog #life moves on

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seblore · 3 years

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everyday i wake up and you still havent posted your evermore rant </3

there u go boo 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

GDBDNSKDJHHDDNDS GIRL................ ok so i very cleverly avoided ranking folklore because every song REALLY HIT and the whole album was just SO.. SO.. yeah. i can however rank miss evermore. i dont want to compare the two album i do not get the point in that. both give off really different vibes. now what i will say is with folklore, AS AN ALBUM, it is just a master masterpiece. The songs flowed amazingly with each other and really held you close the entire first listen. at least thats what I felt like <3 with evermore however, the individual songs are OMG!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NO SONG I DONT LIKE FROM ANY OF THE TWO ALBUMS. but as an album on the first listen i did feel a bit disconnected from evermore which didnt happen to me with folklore. why i think that might’ve happened is BECAUSE taylor is just so brilliant m8.... the MASSIVE contrasting emotions between the songs was too much for my little brain to handle.

Ok so now that’s out of the way dhsjsk time for rankings :) i have no idea where im going to put each song im just going to make it up as we go <3 ill ALSO give you my fave lyrics from each if I remember it <333 (oh and also you’ll notice marjorie isnt here. im sorry but i never listened to it after the first listen because it hits a little too close to home and i dont want to unpack all of that now im sorry! it is a beautiful song)

14. Closure: she popped off <3 she really said dont treat me like a situation that needs to be handled 💃🤙💯 a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics HOWEVER its the first song i couldnt connect with thus it’s down here BUT I STILL WOULD LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT THO... the last in my ranking but still fucks 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ thats taylor swift 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

13. long story short: i have never been in a relationship ever BUT GODDAMN ‘pushed from the precipice, clung to the nearest lips’ hdjsksksjjddjnBbdns jddd ubebs!:!?:?:$3&39383$hzjs WOAH.... and this bitch really summarized the full 2016 drama with long story short it was a bad time. HILARITY. yeah not much to say here tho this is just the ‘at least one mandatory song to shake your tits to on each ts album’ song of evermore <3 and always remember that if the shoe fits walk in it TILL YOUR HIGH HEELS BREAK WOOH ANDIFELLDOWNTHEPEDESTALRIGHTDOWNTHERA—

12: dorothea: making a lark of misery :D RENt free. i had to listen to ‘if youre tired of being known for who you know you know youll always know me’ 113 times to finally understand it tho 😐 some of us are stupid and illiterate have you ever thought about that miss swift???? anyways TINGTINGTINGINGINGING THE STARS IN YOUR EYES SHINED BRIGHTER IN TUPELO <33333 such an innocent feel good song I LOVE!!!!!

11. ivy: the goddamn here and the hush of mirrorball ARE THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 😽 another lyrical masterclass <3 ‘id live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time’ IS2G!!!!!!!!!!! anyways what if you cheated on your husband with me and i cheated on my husband with you and my pain fit in the palm of your freezing hands 😳 JK JK 😅 unless...... 🤪😏 hdjsks yeah this song is magnificently cursed and i am in love with it 🧎‍♀️

10. tis the damn season: this song is august but the other side of the coin. august but four months later. AUGUST SLIPPED AWAY LIKE A BOTTLE OF WINE- THE HOLIDAYS LINGER LIKE A BAD PERFUMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... she sounds so pretty goshhh! ‘time flies messy as the mud on your truck tires NOW IM MISSING YOUR SMILE hear me out we could just ride around and the road not taken looks real good now’ is on repeat in my mind. and as always the bridge ::::::::::::::.............:::::::::::::: how does she do this everytime. ‘and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking’ 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ after every ts song i listen my expectations about true love grows exponentially and my chances of finding true love falls exponentially simultaneously ADIEU.

9. willow: she really took the invisible string quartet and put it in huh..................... FUCKED IN THE HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDD. what can i say <3 its just such a pretty song <3 hashtag gorgeous hashtag i cant say anything to its face. WRECK MY PLANS!!!!!! WRECK IT BITCH!!! ‘wait for the signal and ill meet you after dark’ LOVE STORY WHIPLASH. also mate i cant even focus on the song she looks SO GOOD in the music video i—

8. happiness: !!!! what can i say.... one of the best songs of the album hands down. lyrical masterpiece AND musically rich. she really logged into tumblr dot com and typed out ‘THERE’LL BE HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’ AND ‘THERE WAS HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF YOU’ ARE IDEAS THAT CAN COEXIST and logged off...... h8 her and her insanity. the one word i have to describe this song is: picturesque. tis a picturesque song <3 oh and dfbhhffcbhDDVHHTRSDVJK when i heard ‘i hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you’ i audibly GASPED and then she says ‘no i didnt mean that sorry i cant see facts through all of my fury’................. i fell out of my chair. IT FELT LIKE AS IF SHE HEARD MY GASP AND TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY THAT NO SHE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT... anyways yeah. ill write an article one day named THE SWIFT DECEPTION OF TAYLOR about how she keeps writing songs with deceptive titles and this will be the opening case 😈🤙 also the fact that this is one of my faves and i put it in number 8 says a lot......

7. evermore: i havent recovered from ‘motion capture. put me in a bad light’. i mean come on the whole goddamn song is a lyrical masterpiece. ‘writing letters addressed to the fire’. IS SHE OK!????????????? i think tf not. beautiful song beautiful arrangement. iver sounded really good too. and lol lol rofl WOOFWOOFbarkbark ‘HEY DECEMBER GUESS IM FEELING UNMOORED’ unmoored definition from google dot com: no longer attached. she doesn’t go back to december anymore. about2 faint oml. long story short: i did not survive. THIS PAIN WOULD BE FOR EVERMORE........ what i felt with this song is that she took the quarantine sadness we all felt at least once this year and made it into a masterpiece of a song. couldve been easily the top song on any album except this. no i will not elaborate <3

6. no body no crime: i cannot believe. she teased us with a musical number. this woman teased us with. a musical number. I THINK SHE IS WRITING A MUSICAL BUT I JUST CANT PROVE IT! when she wins that tony 16 years later call me prophetic xoxo. anyways yeah she literally wrote this to flex her storytelling abilities. send tweet 🐥

5. cowboy like me: YEEEHAWWW I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FULL SONG SOUNDS LIKE I JUST HAVE THE BRIDGE ON REPEAT!!!! OMFG!!! the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up. AAAA!! ??? STFU. IM NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS MATE THE WAY ITS SUNG!!!!!!! GUT WRENCHING! the best bridge she has ever written musically. i cant stop listening to it. REALLYYY DID BELIEEEVE I WAS THE ONEEE. STORIESSS ABOUT WHEEEN YOU PASSSEDDD THROUGHH TOWN. y e l l. and then she hits me with ‘now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon.’ L ???? M !!!!! A $$$$$ O “”””” i had to pause it and sit there for 10 minutes to take in what i had just heard. case closed critical hit sustained yeedhawd.

4. tolerate it: i cried. the only reason it’s not 1 is because it hurt me too much. WHAT THE FUCK YOU MF YOU ASSUME IM FINE BUT WYD IF I BREAK FREE AND LEAVE US IN THE RUINS???? TOOK THIS DAGGER IN ME AND REMOV— m8 this physically hurts me everytime. if its all in my head TELL ME RN. aghhh aRghhhhhhh. pain. and lol she broke down sleep to its bare essentials ‘breathing with your eyes closed’.

3. ??? coney island: i know it’s a bit of a controversial top three but WHO CARES 🕴this is solely here for ‘AND IM SITTING ON A BENCH IN CONEY ISLAND wondering where did my BABYy GO’ im shaking. my bed is shaking. my body is shaking. my pupils are shaking. THE WAY SHE SINGS IT OH MY GOODNESS ME i have to lie down gimme a sec. ‘and if this is the long haul howd we get here so soon 😟’ SCREAM. and when i was hearing it for the first time and she said ‘sorry for not making you my centerfold’ i was like yeah and?? so what?? and then she hits me with ‘over and over’...... so she didnt make him/her/them her centerfold over and over !!!!!!! she is sorry she didnt do it over and over!!!!!! mannn.... the chorus.. i shall not speak. i am held at gunpoint i CANNOT SPEAK. the bridge tho dhdnsksksjsb I CAN SPEAK AND I SHALL SPEAK. BITCH WENT OFFFFFFFF. <3 this is the apology she deserved from her exes which she never got so she wrote it herself. podium. grey skies. birthday cake. ACCIDENT. im laughingggggggggggg <///3 and yeah so overall it is a really yummy song with yummy vocals and yummy arrangement 9/10 would recommend. also!! life lessons kids life lessons. disappointments? SIMPLY CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND YOU DO NOT SEE IT YAAAAAAAAAS

2. gold rush: ETHEREAL!!!!!! The last time i felt like this™️ whilst listening to a song was with mirrorball <3 the production of this song omg omg omg LOVE 💃 but what propelled it to number two status was the ‘i dont like slow motion double vision in ROSE BLUSH/ i dont like that falling feels like flying till the BONE CRUSH’ imagine how fucked in the head a person needs to be to rhyme rose blush with bone crush. yeah i have nothing more to say really this song is extremely gorgeous and ‘eyes like sinking ships on water so inviting i almost jumped in’ / ‘walk past quick brush’ ?:!:!&:8483 F A V E <33333 and the transition transmission transfusion from ‘... gray old tea cuz itll never be ᵍˡᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵐⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʷⁱⁿᵏˡⁱⁿᵍᵍᵍᵍ’ MADAME

1. champagne problems: are we surprised? ARE WE REALLY SURPRISED? when listening to new albums i normally listen to it at one go in order. i stick to that rule. HOWEVER after many years of my solid album listening self made rule tm i finally broke and immediately replayed this mf song after listening to it once. ‘you had a speech, youre speechless/ love slipped beyond your reaches’???? stfu???? VILE. PUNISHABLE. DEROGATORY. and welp the entire bridge ...... .... ........... what can i say. And the parallels to miss all too well??? WHAT WAS THE REASON???? your SISTER splashed out on the bottle- left my scarf there at your SISTER’s house 😐 she’ll patch up your tapestry that i SHRED- maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you TORE it all up 😐 your MOM’s ring in your pocket- your MOTHER’s telling stories bout you on the tee ball team 😐 November flush and your FLANNEL cure- PLAID shirt days and nights when you made me your own 😐 wHAT A SHAME SHE IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD IS2G........... and also why would she not rhyme POCKET with LOCKET?????? why with wallet???????????? slant rhyme why????????????? AND THE NOTE THIS MF SONG ENDS ON..... FUCKED IN THE HEAD

THATS IT. i really sat here and did this for the past 2 hours huh...... hhdjsms anyways LONG STORY SHORT: I HATE ONE INSANE WOMAN AND HER NAME IS TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. GODSPEEED 🏃‍♀️

#obviously i have not listened to the two delux songs yet so yeah <3 #im sorry about this i have neither proofread this nor do i think this makes any sense </3 #also i just realized i swore alot in this.... its that kind of a year huh ;D #anyways tysm anon for your eagerness for MY rant on evermore <3 truly honored #have a great day ilyy #answered 🗣#evermore era

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blue-eyedangel21 · 4 years

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I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr. I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently. And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now. I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation. But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side. You say I can't handle yours when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem. But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship. You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it. So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least 2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least. And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian? I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter, and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face. I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed. But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship. Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships. So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend. I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul. I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully. When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

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marcellaisnotme · 4 years

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to everyone.

to all the amazing people that light up my 2019, let's continue our journey to 2020. 2019 has been pretty amazing to me than last year and i'm rather excited for what's going to come on 2020. its a bit frightening but at the same time i'm ready to face it.

i'm dedicating each of you who got this page a personal message <3

let me start it with my loving Ren ♡ we met not that long ago but long enough for me to call you a special friend. i love hanging out with you, i love ranting everything to you cause you're a really good listener, advisor and most importantly a really great sidekick. okno. you know what to say to make me feel better and i admire that you can think of so much in a short amount of time. the way you handle everything is very responsible and careful, i look up to you alot. let's be more closer and share more stupid shitposts (RED VELVET PLSSS). i love you!!

Jason ♡ we known each other for a very long time but we always been pretty close to each other, but sometimes we don't talk and we argue that one time. and you went missing too but when you came back i was really excited. you were really funny and entertaining. just what i need, just what i wanted. we have a love hate relationship and we never get tired of each other and buuuu-ing each other everytime. okno. you are special to me and i cant find another jason to replace. thanks for being such a great friend. i love you!!

Juan ♡ my favorite movie partner and cuddle buddy <3 the one that would always tell stupid jokes which myself find it really funny even when it's pretty dumb. the one who never get tired of me punching you in the arm. okno. i wanna spend more time watching movies with you cause i personally hate watching movies cause i'm a book person. but when i watch it with you and hear you explaining to me everything made me love movies. pstt. only when i watch it with you <3 HAHAHA let's do more movie dates next time juan, because movies are not watch worthy without you. okno. i love you!!!

bwi ♡ as much as i find you pretty annoying and such a coward but i really know how it takes courage to do something. i know how does it feel when you feel like doing something. but it's find. i dont judge you for it ok? i was just messing around with you cause your reaction is always funny i dont wanna miss it. OKNO. if you havent moved on completely, it's fine. it takes time to heal and takes time to grow. i hope you have a better life and be happy in 2020. i love you!!

Belle ♡ SINCE YOU'RE A GIRL NOW IMMA CALL YOU BELLE. okno you were a guy when we first met and first dated. okno. i can't believe we made it till today even when we dont talk that much these days. i just want you to know even when i'm very very very annoying and stoopid but i am really thankful that you were always there listening to my probs and teas :(( i'm so dramatic. wipes non existent tears. okno. be less busy so that i can kacau you more :(( i love you!!

Kitty Kou ♡ my wife :(( my husband soulmate boyfriend girlfriend my everything :(( screams i miss you so much we're not talking much this days are you THAT busy gimme attention bich :(( okno. i'm glad that you are fine now (i can see and feel it) also i dont want you to be sad no more cause you dont deserve to be :(( i'll karate anyone that tries to mess with you i swear >:( i love you soooo much you're my fav bestie ever you listen to me and play along with me cause thats what soulmates do :(( dont ever leave my side or i'm gonna tie u to me so that you wont escape HAH take that :(( i love you bb♡

Qhal ♡ you stick up to me since day-1 and thats what i love about you. you grew into a better person, you were so much braver and bolder plus happier these days and i've never been so proud of you. i hope your happiness last till next year and the following and forever. every day is a new day. you dont have to close old books and open new ones. you dont have to be someone you're not and importantly, you dont have to do things for anyone else. yourself is your top priority and always remember that you're just as important. seeing you happy makes me happy. we've been friends for god knows how long and you never left my side, ever. you're always a special friend to me. you're always in my heart. i love you!!

Irwin ♡ not gonna deny you're always there for me when i'm in an existential crisis. okno. you're such a fun and funny person to talk with. i always enjoyed talking to you because you could make and awkward situation lively with your randomness. you radiate great and positive energy that anyone around you feel better. you make me feel better when i'm sad. i hope you and jade last looooooooooong enough just like how long we've known each other. i love you!!

Tian ♡ i love talking to you and randomly being stupid with you and jason. i love how we click with each other that much it's like we're siblings. rough things happened but let's all forget about it. i hope for you happiness as you were always sad about a certain someone. it's fine to think about it. it's fine to hold onto it. cause the longer you hold on, the easier it will go away when it gets old. you should really reveal your cute daughter to everyone. cause i miss her and everyone needs to see her <3 she's amazing just like you. i love you!!

Cosmo ♡ as long as we known each other, you were the brightest person and the easiest to get along with. you always know what to do and put your heart in everything you do. i dont like seeing you being sad or depressed anymore because you weren't like that when we first met. always surround yourself with happy stuff >> me. and do things you wanna do that makes you happy. you will always be my cosmo, and i'll always be your wanda♡. i love you!!

Junguan ♡ hi bestie how u doin. okno. i am glad that you're always happy, always problem free. thanks for listening to my problems, thanks for being a great friend. i have a great laugh and a great time with you always. your reaction to my stupidness and sarcasm was always funny i'm not gonna lie. you're always the one that i believe would keep everything i tell you a secret. you're such an awesome person and a great friend. i love you !!

Xie/ Axel ♡ you're a really interesting person to talk to. aside from our past relationship. you're a really strong and a great person. you're someone that doesn't give up on anything you do and i really adore you for that. you make everything seem so funny to me idk why oKNO. but except for our snapstreak, we dont really talk mUCH. did you moveD or are you just busY cause u krik krik im thinking twice about softblocking you. okno. talk to me bitch. i love you!!

marcell/shaq ♡ you change your name to match mine cause you like me eh?? buuu. okno. you were always someone i trusted because you're responsible of doing your job and you're someone nice to talk to i mean not nice nice because you're mean but nice by i can have a conversation with you and talk about random stuff without letting it die because i'm funny and you're lame okno. let other judge your outer and let yourself know your inner. jangan jadi noob for 2020. okno. i love you!!

Eric ♡ my stupid bun. my ride or die. ew. these two years 18/19 has been pretty rough for the both of us and i think it's just a step and a lesson to grow into a better person. you helped me alot through this year and i'm never less thankful for that. the loving things you do for me, the things you would let it slide when it comes to me. your soft spot for me never goes away huh HAH and i'm taking advantage of that. okno i'm kidding. you are a big help for me and for what i went through. you never said no. you always agree on everything and i really appreciate it. when we broke up last year, you still insisted to talk to me. which i find out really annoying. just kidding. i'll let everything slide since you do that to me too. you're a really great person, amazing let me tell you. thanks for being a great friend to me. thanks for helping me out with almost everything. i owe you big time. i love you!!

harry ♡ first of all, thank you for being a great bestie, we would always talk to each other everyday but you got busy these days :(( but yey, its almost a decade since ive known you, kyak. we met when we were in kbb. you were d__, kyak, smpipol 💕 i feel so giddy giddy all of a sudden lololol. and then we started exchanging contacts, you were first harry, on fl. and then we had this, nOOt squad gTG. im nunmul-ing. why is this suddenly a throwback session. and and and then theres trisha gosh i love trisha and you too. i adore you for being such an honest person, when it comes to telling your problems to us, which is something i cant really do. if you have problems, dont hesitate to tell us, though i dont really help much eheh. but sometimes there are things that arent meant to be said. its okay, theres nothing wrong feeling sad, feeling all those negative feelings. we are human too, we have feelings. it is okay to sometimes not be okay, it is okay. but other than that, be happy with those you are surrounded with. youre someone that worth a big hug. i hope you spent your day with those you love 💕 i hope youre having a good day. youre an amazingly talented person. i hope youd achieve your dream soon, i pray for your health, and for you to surrounded by lovely people. you're such a talented person and gosh, your drawings for the fashion week, cries. chef kisses momma!!! you should update me on your life more because i wanna know what you do and support you on everything you do. don't forget me anyways :(( because you're the only realest annoying brutally honest bitch i love :(( i love you!!

thanks for an amazing 2019, lets get closer in 2020. i love you guys. ♡

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piamii · 4 years

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Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

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drugaddictiondepression · 4 years

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23.

Fuck it. time to just get real with myself. Holi. (The girl from one, my first true love. we got back together. After me and Em broke up. and we had a 2 year relationship. 2 years, its been that long. And guess what happened. Yea, exactly the same thing. History repeats itself. youre always fucking telling yourself that. now look me. 23 heartbroken. again. But this time its different. I feel so fucking numb to my core. What does it even mean to love someone? you know they say you hurt the ones you love. Maybe that true. But yo if it is im fucking sick and tired of it, and even more im fuckin sick and tired of bein sick and tired. Im always looking for someone, some reason to blame on why I Fucking suck. One week into my breakup. we still talk but like whats the fucking point? I still feel self pity. Im jealous. Granted I had a date myself and I actually did enjoy it. This woman was the likes of something ive never seen. Ive known her for about 4 years now, longer than my last 2 relationships combined. Ive always been attracted to her, but always felt she was waaaaayyyy out of my league. Shes beautiful, shes a talented tattoo artist. And what am I? a fuckin wanna be. She did say yes and she does seem like she might have a slight interest in me. So why do I give a fuck if my Ex is going around fucking people to get over me? Granted idk if she is, but why does it bother me? Maybe I have the feels maybe im just a sad ass nigga. My Father dumped me. all my girlfriends dumped me. Even the army knows im not good enough. WHy would this woman think different? why am i persuing her? Am I just scared of being alone? is why im so comfortable staying with a woman who cheats on me? physically or emotionally? Why did I stay? where the fuck is my self respect? It must of been the sex. And you know what yea, thats a shitty reason to stay in a relationship and try and make it work. I just wanted sex. Just busting my nut because I could. One of the rare time id ever get compliments was on my style of how i performed in bed. And i play a lot of video games. Where is my work ethic? instead of bending over backwards trying to make someone else happy how come I wasnt putting myself first. No shit im depressed everyone is depressed. And to be honest. Thats one of the main things that attracts me to Ash. She is happy, Genuinely happy I can Tell by how she carries herself. This is the first time i can remember I genuinely remember sharing a coffee with a girl and actually be blown away by who they were as a person. Her eyes, te windows to her soul, told me so much about who she was. She has green eyes. I dont know if she has perfect teeth. But it radiated. I was struck. Idk why I asked her out, I dont know why she said yes. But im ffucking glad she did. That one date not only told me alot about her but alot about myself. I never should of gotten back together with my Ex. I was seeking comfort, I wanted some one to fucking baby me, Because IM A FUCKING BITCH. Am I worthy of Dating Ashley, a woman with so much wisdom and drive. No, I cant match that. I talk so much shit. but where is the fucking effort. You piece of shit. get real. Wanting a girlfriend only because you thinks shes pretty and can help you bust a nut. WHAT THE FUCK. You know better than that. Maybe if actually put the fucking time into yourself you would know that. Ive never this way about a girl tho. She isnt just someone i want to be. She is the person ive always wanted to be.

LIFE FUCKING SUCKS, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! STOP BEING A BITCH

If you want it then why are you not going after it? figure youre shit the fuck out! im fucking tired of babying myself, always looking for the easy way out. YOU WANT TO GIVE SO FUCKING BAD GO JUMP OFF A PARKING GARAGE YOU PUSSY. I need to take accountability for myself. What are my goals? What am I doing to achieve them? Am i really a sucker for love or just a lustful fool. If im afraid of being alone. Then I should embrace and become okay with it. Everyone will leave. Everyone is going to die. So I need to come to peace with myself. if not im on the sure fire path to destruction, a well deserved one. No more patting yourself on the back, Put a god damn battery in your back soldier and carry YOURSELF through this war. This crisis, this great depression, this war waged on ones self. The spiritual war. Im standing in my own way. Everyone wants to carry me, but I can walk on my own 2 feet. I can be strong.And if I ever want to be in a relationship with this girl. this is what NEEDS to happen. No body wants to date a pussy ass pick me ass bitch. I make fun of these people because deep down I know im just like them. But it doesnt hve to be that way. I can blame my heart breaks. I ca blame being molested as child, I could blame the racism, I can complain all I want about how I got the short end of the stick. But no one fucking cares. My past is my past, so why dwell on it when I have my entire future ahead of me. My hatred brings me shame. Im ashamed of myself. But if I dont decide to put the work in, and keep putting the work in. Nothing in life is the same. Ill die in my moms basement of ill die on the streets. Just find out who you are. AND BE THAT FUCKING MAN!

Be that Space Cowboy.

#canthurtme depression accountability

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