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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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i'm a secretive person. i keep a lot of secret. i do have people i trust with my biggest sins tho, who thankfully still accept me as i am. but there's still one thing i never told anyone: my serious struggle with hygiene.

for some reason, admitting i struggle a lot with it to the point of not showering for weeks at a time is just not something i can do. i know that this stems from living with people who are super hygienic and take cleaning seriously, and are quick to get grossed out by even slightly dirty stuff. but also? hygiene, or the lack thereof, is smth that is considered a valid insult by a lot of ppl, even progressive ones. i'm not in the mental state to convey my thoughts much, but what i do know is the shaming of unhygienic and dirty people has gone so bad to the point i'm more willing to admit my biggest wrongdoings that drag me down with guilt than admitting i can not shower for weeks at a time. as someone whose value is basically "i don't care whatever you do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone", it's wild that i consider admitting my actions, which did hurt ppl, as easier than admitting to being unhygienic, which doesnt hurt anyone.

it's also annoying, ngl. like, the fact that i'm too constantly exhausted to the point of not even being able to take care of myself just shows how much my mental state has deteriorated. but because my biggest symptom is the lack of hygiene (which i dont have the guts to admit to people), i cant openly admit that im struggling. whenever i try to open up and seek support, people always say to try doing this and that. but i cannot! if even showering is too hard then how am i supposed to get the energy for things that require more spoons! but ofc i cant say it, not when i have zero guarantee that the other person wont shame me for my lack of hygiene. i do want an outcome where after admitting how much i struggle, the other person turns sympathetic. but seeing at how these ppl treat unhygienic people... yeah nah. never gonna admit it

Hi anon,

Please know you're not alone.

It's okay to be secretive, you don't have to share anything you don't want to, and you deserve the right to choose what is known and what is not. However, you don't deserve to feel silenced about things you'd like to talk about.

It makes sense why hygiene may be a struggle for you - not having enough energy makes it really hard to do such a big task like showering, and afterwards can be even more exhausting.

Please know that not only is there no judgment here, but I understand the fear of scrutiny in this society where everyone is expected to stick to a specific hygienic routine and anyone who doesn't meet this is immediately seen as disgusting, without considering the contributing factors.

I understand that desire for all odds to be in your favor, that anyone who knows about your hygiene habits would be understanding and supportive. It can be really hard to accept that some people simply won't understand and will be disrespectful, but that it's more a reflection of them than you. You are valid no matter what critical people have to say. Internalizing that message is definitely easier said than done, but it is possible.

I think there is some pride to take in the fact that despite you saying that you can't openly admit you're struggling, this is a public space, and so hopefully some of that shame can feel lifted.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

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adorpheus · 3 years

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on fujoshi and fetishization

Lately, more and more, both here on tumblr and on other sites, I keep seeing people spew unfiltered hatred at fujoshi - that is, women who like mlm content such as gay fanfic and fanart featuring men with other men. And I don’t mean like a specific type of fujoshi, like the ones who are genuinely being weird about it, but just like a general hatred for girls (but especially straight identifying girls) who express love for gay romance.

I hate to break this to you all, but women (including straight women!) actually are allowed to like mlm fanfiction and fanart, even enthusiastically so. A woman simply expressing her love of gay fanfic, even if it is in kind of a cringey way or a way that you personally don’t like, is NOT automatically fetishization.

I’ve been on the receiving end of fetishization for my entire life, from a very young age, as many black and brown folx have, so I consider myself pretty well acquainted with how it works. Fetishization isn’t just like, being really into drawings of boys kissing, or whatever the fuck y’all are trying to imply on this god forsaken site.

Fetishization is complicated imo, and can encompass a lot of things, such as (but not limited to):

1 - dehumanization, e.g. viewing a group of people as sexual objects who exist purely for entertainment purposes, rather than acknowledging them as actual people who deserve respect and rights

and

2 - projecting certain assumptions onto said people based on their race/sexuality/whatever is being fetishized. These assumptions are often, but not always, sexual in nature (like the idea that black people in general are more sexual than other races, etc etc etc).

I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate my point. Please note this isn’t the best or most nuanced example, but it is the most simplistic. A white person finding me attractive and respectfully appreciating my black features as part of what makes me beautiful is not, on its own, fetishization. A white person finding me attractive solely or mostly because I’m a PoC is now in fetishization territory. Similarly, assuming I’m dominant because of my blackness (like saying “step on me mommy” and shit like that) is hella fetishistic.

That being said, theres definitely a difference between how fetishization works in real life with real people, and how it shows up in fandom.

Fetishization manifests in many different ways in fandom, but most commonly on the mlm side of things, I personally see it appear as conservative (or centrist) women who love the idea of two men together, but don’t actually like gay people, and don’t necessarily think LGBT+ people deserve rights (or “special treatment” as its sometimes dog whistled). These women view queer men as sexual objects for entertainment rather than an actual group of people who deserve to be protected from systemic oppression. I’ve noticed that they often don’t even think of the men they “ship” together as actually being gay, and may even express disgust at the idea of a character in an mlm ship being headcanon’d gay. In case its not obvious, this is pretty much exactly the same way a lot of cishet men fetishize lesbians (they see “lesbian” as a porn category, rather than like, what actual LGBT people think of when we read the word lesbian). There’s a pretty popular viral tweet thread going around where someone explains seeing this trend of conservative women who like mlm stuff, and I have also personally witnessed this phenomenon myself in more than one fandom.

The funny thing is, maybe its just me buuuut.... The place I see this particular kind of fetishization happen most is not in the anime/BL fandom, from which the term fujoshi originates - I actually see these type of women way way more in western fandom spaces like Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Hannibal. I can’t stress this enough, there’s a shocking amount of people who are like, straight up trump supporters in these fandoms. If you want to experience it, try joining a Hannigram or Destiel group on facebook and you will probably encounter one eventually especially if you happen to be living through a major historical event. Like these women probably wouldn’t even be considered “fujoshi”, because that term doesn’t really apply to them given they aren’t in the BL/anime fandom, yet they’re the ones I personally see actually doing the most harm.

Of course this isn’t the ONLY kind of fetishizing woman in the mlm/BL world, there are other ways fetishization shows up, but this is the most toxic kind that I see.

A girl just being really into BL or whatever may be “cringe” to you, or she may be expressing her love for BL in a “cringey” way, but a straight woman really enjoying BL is not, on its own, somehow inherently fetishization. Yes, sometimes teenage girls act kind of cringe about how much they like BL and that might be annoying to you, but its not necessarily ~problematic~.

That being said, IT NEEDS BE REMARKED that a lot of the “fujoshi” that you all hate so deeply, are actually closeted trans men or nonbinary people who haven’t yet come to terms with their gender identity, or are otherwise just NOT cishet. I know because I was one of these closeted people for years, and I honestly think tumblr and the cultural obsession around purity is one of the many reasons I was closeted so deeply for so long. STORYTIME LOL!!! In my early adolescence, I was a sort of proto “fujoshi”. I identified as a bi girl who was mostly attracted to men, or as most (biphobic) people called it, “practically straight”. I wrote and read “slash” fanfic and looked at as well as drew my own fanart. We didn’t use the term fujoshi back then, but that’s definitely how I could have been described. I was obsessed with yaoi, BL, whatever you want to call it, to a cringe-inducing degree. I really struggled to relate to most het romances, so when I first discovered yaoi fanfics (as we called them at the time), I fell in love and felt like I finally found the type of romance content that was made for me. I didn’t know exactly why, I just knew it hit different. LGBT+ fanart and fanfiction brought me an immense amount of joy, and I didn’t really think too hard about why.

At some point, in my early 20s, after reading lots of discourse™ here on tumblr and other places like twitter, I started to get the sinking feeling that my passion for gay fanfiction was ~problematic~. I had always felt a sense of guilt for being into mlm content, because literally anyone who found out I liked BL (especially the men I dated) shamed me for liking it all the fucking time (which btw is literally just homophobic, like can we talk about that?). In addition to THAT bullshit, now I’m seeing posts telling me that girls who like BL are cringey gross fetishists who inspire rage and should go die?

Let me tell you, I internalized the fuck out of messages like this. I desperately wanted to avoid being ~problematic~. At the time, I thought being problematic was like the worst thing you could be. I was terrified of being “cancelled”, before canceling was even really a thing. I thought to myself, “oh my god, I’m gross for liking this stuff? I should stop.” I beat myself up over this. I wanted so badly to be accepted, and to be deemed a Good Person by the internet and society at large.

I tried to shape up and become a good ally (lmfao). I stopped writing fanfic and deleted all the ones I was working on at the time. I made a concerted effort to assimilate into cishet culture, including trying to indulge myself more deeply in the few fandoms I could find that had het content I did enjoy (Buffy, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, etc). I would occasionally look at BL/fanfic/etc in private, but then I would repress my interest in it and not look for a while. Instead I would look at women in straight relationships, and create extremely heterosexual Couple Goals pinterest boards, and try to figure out how I could become more like these women, so I, too, could be loved someday.

This cycle of repression lasted like eight years. Throughout it all, I was performing womanhood to the best of my ability and trying to become a woman that was worthy of being in a relationship. I went in and out of several “straight” relationships, wondering why they didn’t make me feel the way reading fanfic did. Most of all, I couldn’t figure out why straight intimacy didn’t work for me. I just didn’t enjoy it. I always preferred looking at or making gay fanfiction/fanart over actual intimacy with men in real life.

Eventually, I stumbled upon a trans coming out video that someone I was following posted online, my egg started to crack, and to make an extremely long story short, after like 3 years of introspection and many gender panic attacks that I still experience to this day, I realized that I’m uh... MAYBE... NOT CIS..!? :|

I truly believe if I had just been ALLOWED TO LIKE GAY STUFF WITHOUT BEING SHAMED FOR IT, I probably would have realized I was trans way way sooner. Because for me, indulging in my love of gay romance and writing gay fanfic wasn’t me being a weirdo fetishist, it was actually me exploring my own gender identity. It is what helped me come to terms with being a nonbinary trans boy.

Not everyone realizes they are trans at age 2 or whatever the fuck. Sometimes you have to go through a cringey fujoshi phase and multiple existential crises to realize how fucking gay you are AND THATS FINE.

And one more thing - can we just be real here?

A lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment is literally just misogyny. omg please realize this. Its “women aren’t allowed to enjoy things” but, like... with gay fanfics. Some of the anti-fujoshi posts I see come across my dash are clearly ppl projecting a caricature they invented in their head of a demonic fujoshi fetishist onto any woman who expresses what they consider to be a little too much enthusiasm for gay content and then using their perception of that individual as an excuse to justify their disdain for any women, especially straight women, ‘invading’ their ~oh so exclusive~ queer fandom spaces.

god get over yrselfs this is gatekeeping by another name

idk why i spent so long writing this no one is even going to read it, does anyone even still use this site

*EDIT: HOLY SHIT WHEN DOING RESEARCH FOR THIS POST I FOUND OUT THAT Y-GALLERY IS BACK OMG!!!

#rant #fujoshi #I SAID WHAT I SAID #personal #gender stuff

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d-l-landcaslil · 4 years

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My opinion on why is Endeavor’s redemption arc valid

I’ve been thinking about writing something like this for a while, but somehow I never did. But now I’m just going to ramble to cope with the anxiety the latest chapter gave me hhhh

So a lot of Endeavor stans get the question, why don’t we hate him, and I think this is a valid question (as long as you don’t attack us immediately and assume that we support all the wrong thing he’s done!). And I’m not here to convince anyone to like Endeavor. You can hate him, he deserved it. Just please don’t wish for his death in the current arc of the manga because if that happens everyone is fucked you don’t want that and also it hurts This for those who actually ask this question because they’re interested in the answer.

So here’s the thing. First of all I think he’s an amazing hero. Let’s not forget that he has the most solved cases ever, which means even more than All Might! He saved thousands of people. And his skills are just hella amazing, he is competent in almost all types of combat, and while AM gains his physical strength from his quirk, Enji’s quirk itself doesn’t provide it, it probably took him a lot of heavy training to get there. Sidenote for this he is hot af and can step on me any day and I’ll thank him. Of course his heroic actions are no excuse for the abuse he did, but in my opinion the abuse he did does not diminish his merits as hero either. I admit this is arguable, but these are my views even on irl people of similar kind.

So yes, I admit, as a person, he is extremely problematic, he abused his family, and it’s not something to be overlooked. But also his character is amazingly written. I think his backstory is one of those elements in the story, that tries to bring attention to the problems with the hero society. And boi, there’s a lot to unpack there. Firstly, what he represents is sadly common in real life too: that people (especially men) serving at the police, in the army, etc are abusing their power this way and getting away with it because of their rank. But not only this. This leads to even more complex problems within the entire hero community. And this is the rivalry between heroes and the toxic masculinity in the hero community. Now I’m not the one to quickly agree with Stain, because I’m fed up with the cliché of heroes having to be fully selfless (it’s their job and they need to eat and pay rent bruh) and that the whole system is corrupt BUT the fact that the hero ranking exists and forces the heroes to compete with each other is so wrong on so many levels. And of course there are certain heroes who can actually let this go and only focus on the job itself (e.g. Hawks), but there is a lot of pressure on everyone and not all of them can escape it. Don’t tell me it’s normal that Kiri had an inferiority complex for years bc he was too scared to attack a villain three times his size in 4th grade of middle school

And I think a lot depends on the family background. Notice, how the students/heroes who are not coming from a hero family or a family that expected the to become heroes (Deku, Uraraka, etc.) are way more chill about the whole thing, because they parents are proud of them af whatever little heroic thing they do. When it comes to Enji, we don’t know anything about his parents/family background but I have a really strong feeling that he was pressured into the marriage with Rei and into always being the best. Here’s why. We know that Fuyumi is 23 and there’s ~three years between the kids (bc that’s when the quirks appear) so Toya is probably 26. Enji is 46, so he was 20 when they had Toya. So he got married even before he became 20. Now don’t tell me a 19-20 yo young man, who has just graduated from UA (probably with flying colors) and already aims to be nr1 would decide to get married and have kids - even if he’s madly in love, nevermind out of convenience. (And even if he was in love with Rei /but he wasn’t/ and wanted to marry her, any descent parents would have stopped him.) Yes, he probably agreed, because he felt like that preserving and passing down his quirk is important, and that he himself is not enough to be the best and he needs a descendant who can do the job for the family reputation if he fails. Of course it’s all just assumption but DON’T TELL ME THAT THIS ALL WOULD HAVE HAPPENED if he just had A SUPPORTIVE FAMILY TO TELL HIM THAT HE IS A GREAT HERO AS HE IS AND HE DOESN’T NEED TO COMPARE HIMSELF TO OTHERS. NO, THEY DIDN’T TELL HIM THAT. Instead they used their money and power to arrange a quirk-marriage and set him up to be a husband and father while still struggling to become nr1. Now add this to Enji’s inherently grumpy, quick, aggressive temper, take away from him the chance to properly socialize with ppl of his age - and you get the textbook abusive man who brought the bad patterns from the family, added his own frustration and took it all out on his family he never really wanted. He might be an inherently bad tempered person. But no-one is born the way he is now. He could have unlearned a lot of it if the expectations of the hero society hadn’t fucked him up at a young age.

But he did what he did and there’s no excuse for that so let’s see why his redemption is still valid in my opinion. Also it’s more explicit manga spoilers from here (basically he talks about his future plans for his fam in the manga and I’m going to talk about it in detail).

So what many abusers would probably do is to start acting kindly and try to win back their partner/family by promising to change again and again. But Endeavor doesn’t do that. Not only is he willing to stay away from them, but it’s him who stays in their old house and he’s planning to build a whole new house where the kids and Rei, who he wants to get out of the hospital he put her into (!) can live. without him. I had someone who told me they think he wants to be reunited later and he just gives them time but there’s no proof of this and it’s still not that bad. So yes, he admits that him staying away from them is the solution AND he uses his money and power to fix the situation as much as he can. Of course there are a lot of things he can never fix and my stomach still clutches when I watch his past in se2 but HE HAS LEARNED THE LESSON, HE ADMITTED HE FUCKED UP AND HE’S WORKING TO FIX IT AS MUCH AS HE CAN. And I can’t help to cheer for him to able to do that, because that’s the only outcome that’s good for everyone.

Besides that, the scene where he tells Shoto he will do everything to make him proud and be the hero he can look up to always makes me cry shows how he admits his mistakes too. He takes the things he said to Shoto, the expectations he raised towards him and admits that he himself haven’t fulfilled those expectations, so he needs to do that in order for Shoto to accept him. So he basically reversed the roles, he reversed the order of power, and he applies what he abused Shoto with to himself, but this time in a non-toxic way. Also, in the Endeavor agency arc we already see how he has a different attitude towards Shoto as his student. One more thing: you can see in that scene and also several times in the manga how he feels like shit when the kids are ignoring or confronting him. And even I think he deserves all of it, BUT this again proves THAT HE. HAS. LEARNED. HIS. LESSON. Yes, he was extremely abusive. No, it cannot be forgiven. But he basically admitted that he was one, got out of the life of those who were affected, tries to change and supports them from the distance. That’s the best he can still to in this fucked up situation.

And as I witnessed his journey so far, I couldn’t help to start liking him. I cheer for him, I hope he can really change, I’m always excited to see him in action, and I’m really worried about him in the current situation. I think there’s way more potential in him than it was shown in the beginning. I hated him first too. But somehow he became my favorite pro hero and one of my favorite characters overall.

This is the answer. If you read all this rambling you deserve a medal.

A closing thought: I think it’s understandable that everyone reacts to Endeavor differently. He is the type of character who divides even the canon characters nevermind the fandom. It’s really interesting to see how all his kids react to him differently, and how they basically represent types of the ppl’s attitudes in the fandom. I realized I’m the Fuyumi type. But of course all are valid. But Dabi types please please let us mourn in peace if the thing happens QwQ

#bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #my hero academy #bnha manga #bnha manga spoilers #bnha spoilers #endeavor #enji todoroki #my post

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colderpartz · 5 years

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from: @freedom-books-flowers-moon

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please! im feeling sum type of way rn. very tiredt and burnt out from the school year.

cadmium yellow; when you think of the word “happy” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? that feeling when you’re laughing so hard with your best friends and you realize where you are and where you’re with.

lemon; what’s your comfort food? dumplings

hansa yellow; what’s your guilty pleasure song? do ya think im sexy by rod steward

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!!! foxygen :)

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home? in my room, in my sister’s car, or at gigs

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home? my sister

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend: she makes me laugh until i cry, and when i cry she knows how to make me laugh. she takes care of me and i take care of her. she is my soulmate :)

golden deep; what’s your favorite season? summer

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off? hang out with my friends or if im alone i create

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad? yes, but i mostly interalize things (my cap moon JUMPED out)

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? slow morning

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything? fosse/verdon

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)? right brained but i just took a test and it was in the middle :/

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? nighthawks babey. i wanna be in the bar with no doors.

english red; what animal do you relate to most? a black cat that crawls out of the bushes while you’re walking home at midnight.

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent? i actually don’t rlly care for accents :/ i know it like turns a lot of ppl on but it just distracts me.

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? yes i have a very specific type. taller than me, brown curly hair, nice prepy or glam clothing, dry sense of humor, scorpio or capricorn, plays some sort of instrument or is a creative type.

scarlet; describe your current crush/es: very beautiful, intelligent, and completely overly understanding. someone who even though they don’t have the same interests as you, will talk to you about whatever you’re passionate about. amazingly supportive. and a little pretentious but i like it :)

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like? very sponatious trip to the city at night where we see a gig and then kiss with the skyline behind us.

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like? lol sex

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date? yea duh

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now? making my first real short film (even though its for school) and having so many great friends in my life

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? becoming a successful musician or filmmaker, but short term finishing up this year of school.

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? ok not to flex with this taurus materlism but a 1970s house or mid-century modern with an atrium, with velvet seating and silk sheets, a big living space for parties, an in-home movie theater, and a studio

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? los angeles or new york city, wherever i can make my movies.

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down? i hate the idea of settling down. I never want to retire and I want to love going to work every day. But I would like to go on tour with my band, graduate film school, become a famous filmmaker, win an oscar, and surround myself with people who inspire me and each other to be the best artists we can be.

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to? San Fransisco.

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it? rn bc im on facetime with my baby <3

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember? lol sex dream

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each? me, my partner and our closest friends. it’s like friends but w/o ross. I’m Joey and I married Chandler.

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could? i did give myself a different name lol and now its my legal name.

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent? cinnamon, pine, or gardenia.

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any? chai or matcha

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant? maybe Japanese flowers? or roses obviously, maybe succulents.

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog? nah im too dry to be a youtuber.

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives: leo rising

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?: I hear the birds chirping, I see the wheat swaying and I hear tin man by america playing.

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better? I’m consistenly attempting to strive to be in a farther place than I am. I am young and there is way more life ahead of me and I can’t wait to expirence it.

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them? France, Italy, Japan ; no

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn? nope and i don’t really have an interest to learn any for fun.

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book? (mom im so sorry) the heart race of a mouse by anna green

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far? no i can’t read

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh? OH BOY I DO. Ratatouille or any disney movie, juno, scott pilgrim, dead poets society (also it will make me sob), baby driver, ferris buellers day off, little shop of horros, SCHOOL OF ROCK, napoleon dynamite

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself? give myself alone time.

umber; have you drank enough water today? nah i have a headache

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent? writing, deep self reflection, and talking to my sister.

sepia; name five things that always make you happy: astrology, film, music, my possessions, and my best friends

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received? a few of people have told me that i’m destined to do great things.

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic? currently: velvet, candlesticks with wax dripping down it, vanity tables backstages with tons of makeup and clutter covering it, glitter on cheeks, men being comfortable with other men, reading a journal of someone 50 yrs ago and falling in love with them, the city at night, being in the crowd at a concert, an underground cabaret show

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bigskydreaming · 6 years

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notjustawave replied to your post:

If the only evidence of a character not being...

me seeing ppl act like deadpool movies are the pinnacle of representation like i HAVE to laugh

Like....we’ve been hearing this “oh, progress takes baby steps, one little thing at a time” crap for our entire lives, and guess what? With the exception of representation created by actual marginalized creators who manage to get a platform for it against all odds, most other so called representation from major studios and companies and franchises looks barely any different from the scraps they were giving us twenty years ago.

Baby steps my ass. Just say you’re trying to keep marginalized viewers on the hook watching your stuff without pissing off the homophobes and racists enough that they stop watching your stuff. That’s what it comes down to. That is the only reason most representation is still half-assed, blink and you miss it.

Major billion dollar corporations and highly successful and influential actors who makes millions off every movie honestly have people bending over backwards to say they’re trying or progress isn’t easy and it takes time, like these people are actual victims and like....boxed in by the evil homophobic society or whatever....instead of the tastemakers whose prioritization of straight white heroes for generations is the reason we have to fight so hard to get actual representation in the first place!

They’re not powerless to do more in the face of a still largely homophobic society, they’ve just made the conscious choice that they care more about making sure homophobes still buy tickets to their movies than they do actually making a difference.

And like, if that’s what they want to do, then fine, they can do that, but what kills me is this idea that we’re supposed to be grateful for whatever little hint of not-straightness or not-whiteness that they shine a spotlight on for 2.5 seconds in a movie before its back to business as usual.....as though they’d do more if they could, really they would, but that’s just the best they could manage because The Homophobes and the Racists, y’see.

The movie Deadpool only happened because Ryan Reynolds wanted it to happen so badly, he wouldn’t let the project die in development hell. He kept making the rounds himself, kept the push on to keep new scripts for it getting made, and he has enough star power and a big enough fanbase that he was able to make it happen when lots of other actors couldn’t. There’s that post going around about how there’s a Bea Arthur T-Shirt he wore in the movie that they had trouble getting in because copyright stuff, so he paid $10K out of his own pocket for the licensing stuff to go through. And on and on.

Like, these aren’t small, innocuous things, they’re a display of the fact that people have power and influence in Hollywood and use those things every single day to get what they want or do things they care about. If the Deadpool production team and star really WANTED Deadpool the character to be the kind of meaningful representation they’re obviously all too happy to accept accolades for having provided already? Then they absolutely had the power to to give Wade an actual romantic history with one of the men in his films, or even one of them as an actual love interest or reciprocated flirting with one of them responding to his come-ons with like, interest of their own. Because notice how that suddenly, magically, turns what WAS just Wade obnoxiously using suggestive humor purely aimed at getting an audience laugh rather than an actual reaction....into two men having a moment like happens hundreds of times throughout every other summer blockbuster between a man and a woman and given the same degree of consideration and attention.

And yes, before someone comes at me with ‘bi and pan people don’t need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with the same gender to be bi or pan’, like yes, thank you, I, a bisexual man, am aware of the fact that I remain equally bisexual when single, dating a man, dating a woman, or mid-orgy. My sexuality is not dependent on anyone or anything other than my own identity.

But we’re not talking about a real life human being’s identity here. We’re talking about REPRESENTATION, which is a thing created deliberately by human beings making conscious choices about what they want to display and what they don’t, and their reasons for both.

So yes, a bi or pan character is still bi or pan whether we see them kissing the same gender or not, but you can not act like a living bi man’s romantic and sexual interests being driven by his own unique choices as an individual....this is NOT the same thing as a bi or pan character who just so happens to be romantically interested in women love interests save for the occasional suggestive joke aimed at the nearest male character.

Because the former is born of that real life bi man’s entire life, experiences, personality, his BEING. The latter is born of human agendas and creative decisions and studio politics and yes, the fact that Fox and the Deadpool production are more than happy to throw LGBTQ+ viewers just enough table scraps that they’ll stay invested in supporting it, but not so much that it might risk them losing tickets in large numbers from the homophobic sector of their audience.

If I ignore the five men in my vicinity and focus on the one woman because I feel more of an attraction or connection to her for whatever reason, I get to do that because I am my own person, and people can assume whatever they want about what my motives or thought process might be but guess what? It doesn’t matter, because my choices are for me and me alone.

If Deadpool ignores the five men in his vicinity to focus on the one woman, its NOT because he feels more of an attraction or connection to her, because HE DOESN”T FEEL ANY OF THOSE THINGS. He is a fictional character. He only feels and acts upon whatever the writers decide he should feel and act upon, and THEIR motives and thought process absolutely get to be called into question, because they are not individuals making personal choices that are for them and them alone, they are creators of content that benefits and profits from the positive responses and continued support of whomever they choose to cater that content to in order to gain their support and positive response.

And bottom line, they still care more about selling tickets to homophobes than they do about creating real, positive, meaningful representation, and like....people should say that?? We do not owe it to million dollar franchises to say thank you, can we please have some more because of whatever they deign to dole out. Not while still blatantly making it clear PS, glad you liked that little moment there in Act Two Scene Five but tbh, we still care more about not pissing off the dude who lives in his parents’ basement in Kansas and has five guns and every Deadpool action figure ever made and cries into his pillow every night because Sara Lee rejected him when he asked her to his high school prom because he’s weird and ugly and nobody understands his pain like Deadpool, who is also weird and ugly and thus he NEEDS him, and just because he makes dumb jokes to guys onscreen sometimes, that’s no big deal, everyone does that sometimes, its not like he’s REALLY into guys, that’d be weird and also he can’t be because then he wouldn’t be like that homophobic shitbag who lives in his parents’ basement and trolls LGBTQ+ fans on twitter with “Lulz, dumbass losers, just accept that Deadpool doesn’t really represent you and never will, he’s OURS.”

They understand what actual representation looks like, because they’ve been representing the infinite shades of Shitty Straight White Human Being for generations now, and every single straight white man in Hollywood has a story about the character they identified with most as a child and made them want to write or act and basically shaped their entire life.

They know what actual representation looks like and what it means, but they have no interest in providing it so long as it might alienate who they see as the real moneymakers still, knowing they can still keep marginalized viewers watching by doling out the bare minimum and saying “there’s more coming, its just progress takes time, we need to take baby steps” like they’ve been doing for actual, literal decades, with very little actual change to show for it.

Sorry not sorry, but you tell me here’s five cents for you and hand me a nickel and then turn to the shitbag human being standing on the other side of you wearing a GOD HATES GAYS T-shirt and say “and here’s a twenty dollar bill for YOU, don’t spend it all in one place, lol” and then you and he share a hearty laugh while I’m standing there holding a fucking nickel?

LMAO, you can keep your five cents, you’re not like....actually doing me any favors there and I’m not going to feed your ego by pretending you did anything other than give me a shitty fucking nickel you probably picked up off the sidewalk.

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manishakamya · 3 years

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Truth about LGBTQ+

**Myth & Facts about LGBTQ+ ppls** Myth : 1) They are disgusting for liking the same sex 2) It’s a disease 3) First impression on them are about sex thus it is disgusting 4) It’s not normal Facts : 1) It is not disgusting, in fact it’s the same thing like straight couples, They only prefer/attracted to different gender 2) It is not a disease, It’s something they are born with and had always been their fate/destiny 3) Their love story is just the same as straight couple, they feel love, connection, signs that they are meant for each other, a soulmate. LGBTQ+ Love is very real 4) They were suppressed for many years since the old times that it seems like it’s not normal but really they exist since the beginning of time just like straight peoples. 5) There had never been a case about anything regarding sexual abuse, harassment that is done by LGBTQ+ people. 6) They are more open-minded than most of us because they tend to accept diversity thus making them a very loving and caring society IF YOU ARE LGBTQ+ OR PEOPLE WHO SUPPORTS THEM YOU ARE THE MOST EVOLVED HUMAN! You are in the latest version of human! You are very special to be a part of this rarity, don’t give up no matter what and most importantly don’t lose yourself to please others, YOU ARE THE MAIN CHARACTER IN YOUR LIFE! NOT THEM!!!! If people harass you for being who you are or whatever you do, they’re just incompatible with you BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO OUDATED AND YOU ARE TOO ADVANCED!! Ily.

For more stories like this go here:- https://vigyaa.io/

#lgbtq #lgbtq+#vigyaa #vigyaa blog #anonymous #story #confession #blogs #confession story #short story #share your story

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doh-kyunqsoo · 7 years

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If kaisoo is real and sm is just trying to hide t then why is it that they paired Kaisoo in the eve dance? Why does kai feed kyungsoo in pepero commercials? They've been paired together for commercials several times before. Also, why does SM let them walk together and talk on stage? Aren't you and all other kaisoo shippers being delusional and using SM as an excuse that they don't have many interactions? They're no different from chanbaek. They're just fanservice. Fake.

hello anon. Okay so first of all thank you for being aware of all the kaisoo interactions despise the fact that you’re not a shipper. Tbh idk where to start with your ask because there’s tooooo much about kaisoo for me to begin with. Anyway I will just answer what you asked in order. About the dance, it’s the choreographer who positioned exo for the dance, sm has nothing to do with this. SM is in charge of exo and all the promotion/production/choosing songs and so on but it’s not their decision to choose who dances with whom because it’s not their job but the choreographer’s since he’s expertised in this and knows who matched with whom rather than sm themselves. Why ji fed ksoo in pepero commercials? Simply it’s because the director told them to do so??? why u asked? I mean for commercial production, the marketing team has to find ways to sell their products no? and when it comes to exo not just their name themselves are big and popular but the ships are as well. It’s a thing for kpop, ships, otps and so on so being with kaisoo, one of the most long lasting ship in exo with many fans follow the ship, of course the marketing team would team them up to make fans to notice more and get more of the products. they’re not dumb enough to take out this advantage to get more consumers, same with nature republic, they’re using baekyeol and kaisoo because they know about these ships, everyone who are exols know about these ships, they are inevitable. And why did sm let kaisoo walk together on stage and talk on stage? think about it, if you’re in the same group with another person and u dont talk to that person, what would others think of both of yall? either yall are trying to hide something or yall hate each other or not getting along it would be hella weird and shady. sm can’t just make someone not talk to his own groupmate because that’s bs and they can’t just tell the manager to be next to them 24/7 and be like “yo ji/ksoo, stop talking to each other” even when they’re on stage. that’d be weird af. Also another reason why sm cant do that because it’s normal for everyone to talk to each other and they know their place, not like theyre talking to each other alone 24/7, they also interact with other mems as well so why should sm stop them completely???! The reason why we shippers said that sm trying to stop them because theres too much evidence of kaisoo being a thing, too much to avoid so they need to separate kaisoo as much as they can whenever there are cameras in front of them. homosexual isn’t really an acceptable thing in south kor, there are many homo couples but doesn’t mean they are accepted by the society, especially korean celebs. I remember some rumors about 9493room ,aka one of kaisoo fansite, leaving because others were mean and made fun of her/him for shipping kaisoo but that was yrs ago and i hope it was just rumor. but being said it shows that homo otps aren’t really accepted yet if u ship them srsly and sm prob doesn’t want that to happen to their artist, their precious babies who make them balling with money because that’s all they care about…and for u saying that those are fanservices, if u see their interactions, it’s always offstage or whereas other members are talking. Because others are talking they would thikn oh the fans will give their attentions to that mem not them so they can just talk to each other or so, and if it’s offstage then who are they doing fanservice to? the staff? also anon, shipping someone or not is our choice and our opinion, i also respect your opinion and choice but calling us delusional and the ships being fake are a little bit too much. You don’t ship them, i’m completely fine with it because i know there are others kaisoo shippers who support them wholehearted like like i do. But please don’t come and attack us like that just because u dont see the sparks in their eyes when they look at each other, or the attention that they give each other that was beyond anything compared to the attention they give other members. We dont use sm as an excuse because we know that there’s no way ji would be away from ksoo with his own will, if u see other fancam or so, the way he looks at ksoo or vice versa. Also for the past fanmeet or so, all the members sat in their normal order when they’re together, yet only kaisoo’s seats were switched and the only one that could have done this is the ppl behind the scene and who would that be? of course sm. One last note for you, please don’t touch baekyeol/chanbaek either because the shippers did nothing wrong just because they ship those two. Thank you for asking this so i can prove to others that i’m not just a whatever shipper but my belief about this ship is pretty strong, as strong as exo’s love for exols. thank u and have a nice day!

#anon #ask #kaisoo #srsly when it comes to kaisoo i cant stop #chanbaek

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pumpkinicedchai · 7 years

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pride month ask thing since i'm Queer™

what is your sexuality? • i am very much bisexual, with a preference for females but i happen to be dating a guy. and yes, that still makes me bi☺️ what do you identify as? • i am a cis female how long have you been aware of your sexuality/identity? • i didn't really figure it out til like 9th grade because i had harbored a lot of homophobia towards myself in middle school because my mom grew up telling me gays are against god. but now i'm pagan so everything is fine. do you have any preferences? • i like girls and woman aligned people because femininity is something i find VERY attractive, but the last time i talked about my sexuality i was physically hurt. so boys are a safer route for me. share a positive memory about coming out! • my dad just doing is best trying to understand, even though he mistook me for a lesbian a lot and tried to get me into an all girls college. how do you feel about pride month? • i love the idea but i have some discontent for people who try to involve themselves in this month that shouldn't be celebrating, because our community has suffered so much and it's just like,, it's a time for us to mourn who we've lost and celebrate accomplishments but there are those who think they belong in our community who will never face the same amount of hardships that come with truly being queer. cishets of any sort do not belong in our community. period. do you participate in pride related events? any other events? • no, bc my mom lol how do you feel about lgbtqa roles in media? • i feel like there needs to be more female queerness that isn't fetishized or dumbed down to a pretty woman with big tits and a butch, masculine woman. also can they both live and NOT DIE. because in our community, most of our representation comes from gay white men and yay they're gay but what about the rest of us awaiting representation?? include more poc!! more women!!! also bisexual erasure is a real thing so can we NOT do that thanks. do you feel pride in who you are? • hell yeah i do. who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery? • i don't really have any idols. my friends have just been super cool and accepting of me, so it's nice to have them to back me up. tell us about your first crush? • my first real crush was on this girl named peyton that i played softball with in the third grade. i didn't know it at the time, but i was just constantly going out of my way to talk to her and i called her pretty all the time. what sort of advice to have you lgbtqa teens? • do not give a flying fuck about what your parents say if it isn't supportive. don't give a flying fuck about anything anybody says if it's not supportive. have you come out to friends and family? • yeah but they pretend it didn't happen how do you feel about the term “coming out” ? • idk. it's whatever. i think a lot of people keep it bottled up because our society is so bigoted and hateful, and coming out is a huge step for a lot of us. so i think it's a pretty good way to phrase it. do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of? • yeah definitely any tips on coming out? • don't do it unless it's safe please. what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtqa characterization in media? • it's just shit like "that was SO GAY" being said by straights and slurs and shit and things like "transgender bathrooms" being such a big deal. why do people need basic human rights denied in order for a majority to make the minority feel inferior?? why.:. what’s your favorite parts of lgbtqa characterization in media? • there are numerous amounts of celebrities that have openly shown support for us and i think every little bit from them helps bc their opinions are the ones that matter in society today. what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school? • idk my state's mostly conservative so you can probably guess. do you practice safe sex with the same sex? • i've never had sex with a girl :( what’s an absolute turn off for you in the opposite/same sex? • for boys - too many muscles • for girls - bein a total bitch what’s an absolute turn on for you in the opposite/same sex? • boys - deep moans ohh my GOD. • girls - full lips, raspy voices, soft skin..... how do you feel about lgbtqa clubs/apps/websites? • i've never really involved myself with them how do you feel about the term “queer” ? • can only be used by ppl in the lgbtq+ community how does you country view the lgbtqa community? • i mean it was illegal two years ago but it's getting better for us slowly. favorite lgbtqa actor/actress? • i don't really have one ?¿ any tips for heterosexual people on how to handle lgbtqa events/news? • if it's not directly about you, it ain't ur damn business, and you have no right to talk about anything you don't know shit about unless you respectfully wanna get educated. what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten? • "if you're bi, aren't you more likely to cheat?" and my favorite "so since you're bi, do you do threesomes??" how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/idenity? • if i can tell someone actually wants to learn, i don't care, but if i can sense sarcasm or a mocking tone, i'm much less susceptible to being patient. what is your romantic affiliation? • i'm biromantic as well lol.

#bi pride #pride month

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jonghyyn · 7 years

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1)this fandom turned to be disturbing yall only care about shinee sexual orientation and gender when its not of anyone's business. you spend all ur time on fighting over their personal matters instead of enjoying their music and what they give us. both sides acting like what they say is confirmed facts nd when one of shinee say random names or look at someone you act like they want to have sex with them nd yall act that the only attraction is sexual or romantic

2)the side that gets angry of the possibility that shinee are queer is homophobic nd not all idols has to be cis. the side that gets angry at the possibility that shinee might be like girls is weird coz we don't know these idols in real life no matter what they say or share with us

3) as an pan-aro nd part of lgbt its lowkey skeevy for me that shawols are painting shinee as lgbt icons when they only did basic decent things but in no way they r lgbt icons. yall literally could be calling a hetero guys an lgbt icons. I get wanting to connect more with them nd wanting representation but its not like this. actual lgbt people get killed nd a lots of lgbt people are fighting for our rights with little support bc we r looking in representation somewhere else we r not sure about

4) and please don't start with the closet talk bc I know how dangerous for an idol to come out but the idols u think they r queer might not be queer in the first place and if they were we have no right to want to them out too, at the end we don't know their sexualities. what am I saying is both opinions should be treated as headcanons not as confirmed facts nd this whole issue shouldn't have got that big. also neurodivergent idols headcanons should be respected too

tbh i dont even know what ur..trying 2 say by this?? i dont understand how youre like Yeah, Headcanons! but when ppl talk about headcanons ur like no...i didnt mean it like that... i mean it honestly baffles me how you reconcile these two things. if u respect ppls abilities to have headcanons youve also got to accept ppls ability to Talk about them as headcanons?? getting in discussions w ppl who say every idol Must be straight or cis isnt fighting w someone over shinees orientations Specifically, its fighting against the bigotry involved in this line of thinking. arguing w ppl who say “___ Msut be cishet” is not saying “_____ must not be cishet” its saying to question what motivates ppl to say the first thing. its not really About shinee exclusively bc its applicable to every single idol, and tbh every single person. its a discussion larger than any one particular person. i think this is an aspect that a lot of ppl miss.

also i truly dont know when ive ever acted like attraction can only be sexual or romantic bc i rly have not. talking about how queer idols Exist is not demanding idols be out. its acknowledging a reality that is hardly ever acknowledged. like. ignoring queerphobia is Not whats going to make it easier for idols to come out, discussing how queerphobia manifests in the idol industry is what will.

it really tires me when ppl pull out the U Spend All Ur Time Doing This, we’re all here for the music!! enough of that!! because while thats true, we all did become connected through shinee through music, a part of being an Active participant in fandom for many ppl is also like...talking about stuff besides their music. we’re here for their music but the Reason ppl blog about them and do shit like make gifs or edits or fics or what have u is bc they also care about the members themselves. their music is a given. i also like mamamoos music a whole ton, but i dont have a blog dedicated 2 mamamoo bc i am not As invested in the band members as i am in shinee. which isnt to say that every stan has to get involved w this specific discourse or even discourse in general, just that stans often Do get involved w non-musicy things in the process of stanning.

why is it that only queer headcanons are policed to this level...why is it only queer headcanons are met w Listen To Their Music Instead ! instead of the numerous other things ppl involved in fandom do that dont directly relate to their music. why dont u tell gif makers that theyre Too Obssesed w shinees faces and to go listen to their music instead. ppl do shit like “boyfriend imagines” for shinee which are 1000% unrelated to their music and tbh effectively function as Headcanons except youll never see ppl respond to that with Go Listen To Their Music Instead! while its not always (although it. often is lmfao) explicitly said, a lot of bf imagines are implicitly cishet and i feel like this is undoubtedly why those are accepted w/o word. bc ppl find being cishet ‘more polite’ and ‘less intrusive.’ when u make being queer a taboo to talk about (whilst simultaneously accepting anyone that talks about being cishet) u are basically saying that it is more acceptable to be cishet, while being queer is something that ought to be kept private. if ur truly adamant that this is about not spending enough time enjoying shinees music, then id like 2 see u come at every single other thing in fandom that has nothing to do w music. every time you see someone say “hey jonghyun would make a great bf” remind that person they shldnt care about something like that and shld instead be supporting shinees music. in any case, you ought to examine what makes u think that someone being queer is taboo to speak of while not rallying against statements like ‘he would be a great bf 2 his girlfriend.’

anyway i agree that ultimately what people are doing is making. headcanons. ive always agreed w this fact? this is a thing i continually say?? its why im not out there to Objectively Prove that jonghyun is gay or bi or whatever. the reason people respond to statements like ‘no jonghyun is not gay hes a straightie hetero’ with ‘no ur wrong’ bc the first statement is one that is Constantly enforced by society and it just functions as a way 2 shut down queer voices and reassert the heterosexual default present Everywhere. society treats straight as the absolute default. this is why straight “Headcanons” arent treated as well lmao... headcanons. theres rly no reason for anyone out there 2 headcanon something as straight?? when its the Assumed Sexuality in every situation?? tbh the only reason ppl are interested in doing that is Denying that idols might not be straight. doing this when ppl are Forced 2 be straight is gross. theres a difference between queer ppl saying Hey, remember not all idols are straight so lets talk about that and straight ppl being all No! ur wrong! he cant be anything but straight so shut up! these two things are coming from different perspectives.

like. imagine a pie being sliced up. historically, a 100% of this pie has been given to straight people. when queer ppl speak up, theyre trying to take some of their fair share of this pie. saying Hey, queer ppl exist!! is trying to section urself out a piece of the pie when youve been given none. someone saying Nope!! theyre all definitely straight is stealing back the measly slices someone has Actively Fought to obtain and attempting to perpetuate this imbalance.

im not rly here for ppl painting shinee as lgbt icons. ive expressed how annoying i find statements like ‘king of the gays’ or whatever to be. but also just. saying that anyone in shinee might be lgbtq is not painting them as an lgbtq icon?? its just stating a fact?? esp since a lot of the King of The Gays ! stuff seems to come from ppl who position him as a Amazing Cishet Ally so. idek buddy i feel like youve got to further think through some of your positions bc some seem to be in direct conflict with others.

#long post #i am unable to be concise literally ever #but anyway my dude. how can u accept that headcanons are okay but also expect ppl to like..never talking about them...#i agree all headcanons should be respected but this sort of requires ppl being allowed to talk about their headcanons u know ?#i truly feel like youve got 2 work through some of this stuff and think it through #ppl talking about headcanons doesnt mean they dont care about other things #i definitely do #its just that the only thing im Interrogated on is headcanons and im a rather long winded person so ill answer as such #while im a Discourse Prone person and i discourse a lot of this #(mostly- like i said earlier abt- whats going on Conceptually bc Thats the most important thing here its not a shinee exclusive subject)#but someone could hold the same opinions i do w/o necessarily discoursing about them (and i kno ppl that are like that in fact)#anon #ask

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themostradicalthing · 7 years

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TW pregnancy, pregnancy loss

this is a post that was very important for me to make, and important I think for people to read if they can (it’s not graphic/descriptive), but it’s under a cut (I hope! if not i messed up and will fix it asap) because I totally know how triggering the content can be. please take care of yourselves!

I’m miscarrying right now. It’s my second pregnancy and second loss, the first was in 2011. Both more wanted than you can imagine and the subsequent miscarriages a huge blow :( I’ve been quietly happy, excited, and hopeful this first month of 2017 (despite world events, ugh) and now I am grieving.

one of the differences this time, however, is that I’ve learnt from my first NOT to feel pressured, silenced, and isolated by the taboo of talking about miscarriage! I was left with awful PTSD (well, additional trauma shit added to my existing C-PTSD) in 2011-2012 after my first, and it was ENTIRELY due to feelings of being abandoned by a society/healthcare system/extended support network I thought would care; the stigma of being a relatively young, queer parent ON TOP of the shame and taboo of one’s pregnancy ‘failing’; lack of existing discussion/scripts/traditions/grieving processes in the culture in which I live; being told both directly and indirectly not to speak up about it, to just deal with it, and even - devastatingly - hearing that ‘it was probably for the best’ re. me and my partner’s age and queerness.

in short, my first miscarriage was textbook-traumatic not because of the event itself and the normal grief of it, but due, like most complex trauma, to societal shame/stigma/silencing, and lack of interpersonal support and understanding from community, family, etc., and I REFUSE to let that happen to me again.

so this is me, lucy angharad, still queer, still disabled, still young(ish), telling the whole world that I’ve lost two cherished pregnancies now and it SUCKS and maybe I’ll lose more in future and that would really suck. I can accept normal loss, normal grief. I know I’ll work through it; I’m doing so right now (I take the time I need, I name them, I light a candle, I write, I say goodbye in some way). But I won’t accept being alone and silenced and traumatised again.

So I want everyone reading this to know how common pregnancy loss is, yet how little it’s talked about and brought into the open. I want other people who experience it to feel supported, safe, and able to fully work through the grief without lasting trauma. Chances are someone you know will go through it at some point (or already has). Be there for them in whatever way they need, and please don’t deepen their trauma by treating the topic like it doesn’t exist or is too awkward to discuss. It’s okay if you can’t give them that support directly, but do make sure they have it somewhere, some place they are allowed to be fully open about it (maybe a support group or online forum), ESPECIALLY if they don’t fit the accepted pregnancy narrative of monogamously coupled cishetness with some arbitrarily high level of financial security, access to excellent healthcare, support and approval of family, etc.

And, idk this is just a vague dream of mine for the future but like… community leaders, activists involved in reproductive justice, artists, writers, healers, spiritual ppl, anybody…. let’s think about pregnancy loss and grief and healing and how desperately it needs some process, some script, some understanding that’s seriously lacking in more medicalised and individualist societies. Stories need to be shared, words spoken, songs sung, grief respected, and above all, the experience of those who have such loss validated and honoured. It’s a pretty huge event, really - physically and emotionally momentous, part birth and part death, a bizarre limbo between parenthood and non-parenthood - yet so invisible?

And yes, a lot of society’s responses towards it - especially by the ever misogynist medical establishment - are shaped by patriarchy, and I have no hesitation in calling the abandonment of those who suffer pregnancy loss (obviously a category not limited to cis women) a feminist issue and a reproductive justice issue. In many ways I feel like there is overlap with other reproductive issues here; some of what I’ve written above could also be said in some way about abortions and sterilisations (mainly how fucking awful society is at giving context, compassion, and support to those who experience them), and my own personal journey with pregnancy and miscarriage has only made me stand MORE fiercely in support of ALL reproductive rights.

TL;DR miscarriage and pregnancy loss happen ALL THE DAMN TIME but we never talk about them and that makes the whole thing feel so much worse. let’s normalise it and create healing, supportive spaces and scripts for it in our communities.

I’ll start: it’s a tuesday night, I’m watching netflix with my cats and writing a post on tumblr in the hope it quells my ptsd brain a bit, and I’m miscarrying right now.

#pregnancy loss //#trauma //#miscarriage //#pregnancy //#tokophobia //

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bigskydreaming · 6 years

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So there’s a post going around that’s popped up on my dash a lot lately, about the secret to fandom being love what you love and don’t worry about what anyone else is doing.

I.....look, its not really a shock to anyone that I Couldn’t Disagree More Strongly, right? LOL.

The problem I have with posts like that is they don’t make a distinction between “like what you like and don’t worry about if other people agree b/c everybody likes different things and there’s never going to be something that pleases everybody, so don’t try and base your fandom opinions/ships around pleasing everyone”

and

“like what you like and don’t worry about if other people agree b/c people are racist and sexist and homophobic and there’s nothing you can do about it so don’t devote your fandom experience/time/energy to having a problem if the reasons people are hating on your favorite characters, stories, opinions are rooted in racism, sexism, homophobia and other shit.”

Like, these are two ENTIRELY different things, and the first is valid and fine and I agree completely but the second is HELL FUCKING NO. And the problem is when you spread around fandom positivity posts that put no effort or awareness into acknowledging that these are two entirely different phenomenon, effectively all you do is give implicit support to the people who deliberately REFUSE to acknowledge a difference and thus point to fandom positivity posts as fodder for why someone’s being Difficult for pushing back against bigoted bullshit.

Fandom isn’t a fun, shiny happy place and it isn’t MEANT to be, because all fandom is....is another place/way in which humans congregate around a certain shared interest or focus. That’s it. That’s all fandom inherently is, which means when you push back against people ruining it by ‘worrying about what other ppl are doing in it aka being shitty bigots’ on the grounds that they’re infecting it with like....reality? idek. But you’re simply doing the exact same thing humanity does in EVERY SINGLE SPACE it carves out for people to congregate for whatever reason or purpose......and that thing is the group or groups who hold a majority in that space speaking over or shutting down anyone who has something to say that the majority do not want to hear for whatever reason.

People turn to fandom for escapism a lot of the time. I get that. Everyone needs escapism from reality. Everyone DESERVES a place to go to get away from the cares of reality and enjoy themselves.

But here’s the problem: there’s a lot of things in life that EVERYONE deserves, but only some people actually get.

And while I fundamentally agree with the idea that everyone deserves a fun fandom experience and a place to escape to.....it becomes a problem if the only way you can maintain that fun fandom experience and escapist refuge is by shutting down other people when they say ‘hey, this place isn’t as fun for me and all the problems I came here to escape from are still here thanks to these people.’

Because once you do that, you’re essentially no longer saying that you think everyone deserves a fun fandom experience or escape from reality. You’re saying you deserve it MORE than those other people.

Don’t get me wrong, I think we all need to figure out a balance for ourselves, and prioritize what’s best for our own mental health and emotional well being. I’m not telling people to develop martyr complexes or bullshit like that. We have to take care of ourselves before we take care of other people. That’s a thing. It’s true. We don’t do anyone any favors by neglecting what we need to get through the day. It’s OKAY to be selfish sometimes. It’s just not okay to be selfish all the time, or to say what you’re doing to put yourself first has no impact on anyone else.

Like, its literally just about being aware of reality?

I’m just saying, there’s a difference between focusing yourself on a corner of fandom that’s solely about the things you like and not worrying about what’s going on elsewhere because its what you need to do FOR YOU, because there’s things in your life you need escape from, because in this place you retreat to in order to replenish your spirit, you don’t have the spoons to spend on anything but that, so you have the strength to go about your day....

and between telling people to just like what they like and not worry what anyone else is doing or saying even when they pop up to give you shit for what you like, no, just blacklist things and block people and continue liking what you like, that’s the secret to a good fandom experience.

And that’s where I go like, ummm....no. Again, mental health and well being is a priority. Absolutely people should blacklist and block people and just look for positivity with like-minded individuals if that’s what they need to get something enjoyable out of a fandom experience.

But my problem specifically lies with the flip side of that, the implication that fans are doing something wrong by yes, worrying about what other people are doing and how this impacts them and their fandom experiences, and responding to and reacting to and calling attention to the fact that shitty people are being shitty in fandom, just as they are elsewhere in realms of human interaction.

Because that’s when you get into telling people with less power to suck it up and settle for the fact that they have less power, and that the people with more power will always be shitty so the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a way to ignore that.

That’s not how society is supposed to work, just because the people with the most power in society have spent generations just trying to convince everyone else that this is how society is supposed to work.

Power, voice, visibility, are not excuses to be shitty. The inability of people to effectively push back against you being shitty, is not an excuse to be shitty. This is how its always been, is not an excuse to be shitty.

And we know this. We ALL know and understand this. As a society, we have NO problem using collectively held opinions to push back against things we all agree are shitty, and no, I’m not talking about laws even, so much as....shame, the way we express opinions to each other and about certain things, the way we interact with each other and acknowledge what are and aren’t acceptable social behaviors.

Like, we shame people for committing certain awful crimes. We all do this. We say murdering innocent people is bad, and cast shame at people who do it. We teach kids (supposedly, hah) that taking stuff that doesn’t belong to you just because you want it isn’t acceptable. We all, as a society, shape what is or isn’t considered behavior we’re willing to put up with from each other in an endless variety of ways.

And guess what? Like all tools, the tools with which we do this do at times end up used in negative ways as well as positive. To harm instead of help. Absolutely there’s a LONG history of people in power hijacking the tools with which society determines what is and isn’t acceptable behavior and using it to advance their specific agenda, encouraging people to turn on each other or specific groups and express that certain acts or behaviors or entire identities are shameful, not because they actually are but because it serves the purposes of those in power to convince people that they are.

But a tool being used wrongly in the wrong hands does not like.....magically negate the validity of that tool or its ability to be used positively, and that’s where online culture, and fandom specifically, so often has me going UMM WHUH?

We’ve got people out here proudly and defiantly taking a stand against ‘being shamed’ for stuff like pedophilic works of art as though they’re the disenfranchised underdog, the powerless victim pushing back against the oppressor because SHAME IS BAD AND THUS ANYONE TRYING TO SHAME ME IS BAD or whatever.....as though we haven’t as a society collectively spent the last several decades saying umm yeah, pedophilia is shameful.

I’m not looking to get into the fiction vs reality argument here since I’ve had that one to death elsewhere, but also because its not the point. The point isn’t whether certain fans should feel ashamed or not for specific behaviors others express should be shameful.....the point is the way so many people in fandom seem to be in agreement that the very ACT of someone trying to shame someone else, or express disapproval of their behavior.....has somehow been come to be seen as a call to arms, as though that in and of itself is the issue, not whether or not there’s merit to either side’s position.

Like its all or nothing, regardless of context.

So many people in fandom are happy to act like other groups in fandom (USUALLY made up of marginalized communities or people expressing ‘controversial’ and thus less commonly held opinions) - so many people act as though those groups expressing judgment over some other part of fandom’s behavior is in and of itself an UNACCEPTABLE attack, something that should never be condoned....instead of simply an example of what society has ALWAYS done to convey whether or not certain behaviors are acceptable.

Again, I’m not talking about the MANNER in which this judgment is expressed. I don’t give a single fuck about hearing arguments about how ‘antis’ are ‘just as bad’ as people who create fanworks they consider harmful or toxic and how they harass people, etc.

I’m not saying that never happens. I’m not saying that’s okay. I’m just saying....that is not the point I’m making here, not the point plenty of other people have made before me, and yet its one of the handful of expected and predictable responses that ALWAYS come up as though it (true or not) addresses the actual point. Which it does not.

The point is....take issue with the specific reasons someone pushes back against certain behaviors, fine. You don’t have to automatically agree they’re right. Take issue with the specific ways someone pushes back against certain behaviors, fine. You don’t have to condone them or say they’re justified.

But don’t dance around the issue as though you’re incapable of grasping that the point is its not somehow wrong or victimizing or oppressive for people to express that they think certain opinions and behaviors are shitty and bad.

The fact that shame has been used to oppress at times in the past does not mean that a bunch of people gathering together to express “We think this thing that you’re doing here is bad” is like....inherently oppressive ESPECIALLY THE FUCK WHEN THE BUNCH OF PEOPLE GATHERING TOGETHER HAVE LESS POWER THAN THOSE THEY’RE CALLING OUT BECAUSE OF THE TWO GROUPS, THEY’RE THE ONES WHO ARE ACTUALLY OPPRESSED.

Because when the only alternative to people expressing they feel certain behaviors in fandom spaces are harmful, oppressive, toxic, or in other ways impairing other peoples’ ability to have a fun fandom experience or use it for escapism.....is to tell those people to just ignore all that toxicity and focus on something positive, like.....call it what you will, but that’s not for their benefit, its for the benefit of those who like and are comfortable with the status quo.

NO SHITTY BEHAVIOR IN HUMAN HISTORY HAS EVER BEEN ‘FIXED’ BY TELLING ITS VICTIMS TO IGNORE IT.

The ONLY thing that has ever accomplished is to allow people who are capable of ignoring it without their lives in any way being impacted....to continue to go about what they were doing, without seeing or feeling there’s any reason for things to change, for efforts to be expended, for them to have to adjust their view of their surroundings or how they interact with their surroundings or other people within them.

And like, lol, but ‘having the choice whether or not to acknowledge something because it doesn’t innately affect your life either way’ is literally another way of describing privilege, so....I mean.....

ANYWAY.

#long post #yeah that one got away from me #LOOK I HAVE A LOT TO SAY SOMETIMES #all the time #whatever

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