#someone just discorporate me

[compil]

i love taking jabs at The Ineffables' horrific communication skills as much as the next guy but i hope you all understand that their piss-poor communication is built upon centuries of having to deny the truth of their relationship and having to take orders from Mega Powerful Organizations that they don't necessarily agree with but could kill them if opposed

all of their interactions until the end of Armageddon't had to be hidden under layers of deception, excuses, and plausible deniability — clandestine meetings at St. James' Park, risking discorporation via guillotine for a lunch date in Paris, "go back to my place" "my side won't like that", not accepting each other's gratitude. the same could be said for anything they did that their head offices don't agree with — doing good deeds because laudanum might not make him accountable for his actions, saving the Earth against heaven's wishes under the guise of thwarting a demon, having sushi to "live like the locals" when really he just likes sushi and interesting restaurants where they know his name. they never learned to be completely honest with each other, or with anyone (including themselves) for that matter.

it's honestly a testament to how strong their connection is that they've grown to trust each other so deeply ("i knew you'd come through for me, you always do" / "i can rely on you and you can rely on me"), given the circumstances. how do you place all your faith in someone despite the fact that you two could only ever whisper half-truths and read between the lines? god i love them

now that the walls are down, they're learning how to voice everything they never could out loud. it's clumsy, and painstaking, and they might cause each other grief along the way, but they'll get the hang of it, little by little

#aziraphale and crowley are like if newlyweds had the subconscious understanding of an old married couple #good omens #p comp #good omens spoilers #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #i want what they have!! #good omens meta

[itsclydebitches]

Just finished Good Omens 2 and I'm honestly boggling at the Aziraphale hate because yes, his decision led to the angsty cliffhanger, but it makes SO much sense for his character. Not just in a "Religious brainwashing and sunk-cost fallacy" kinda way but also a "Aziraphale has no reason to believe this isn't the perfect solution" way. That scene among the nebula is crucial because it establishes that Crowley loved being an angel—reveled in his ability to create and allow his creations to grow kinda like plants—and the only problem was that someone else was calling the shots, someone who wouldn't listen to his criticism. Aziraphale has also spent 6,000+ years watching Crowley do good, all the while forced to deny the fact that he's "nice" lest embracing his original nature get him into trouble with hell. Now, Metatron comes along with an offer that fixes everything in one fell swoop. Crowley can be an angel again, be nice without censure, his ideas and criticisms will hold weight because he'll be answering to Aziraphale, and they'll be together.

It strikes me that Aziraphale isn't there when Crowley sees Gabriel's trial, ergo he likewise doesn't see the (non)acknowledgement that there's an institutional problem up in Heaven. There just happen to have been two archangels who called it quits. Same when Gabriel blurts that phrase out to Crowley. Aziraphale has always been more blind to the ways in which Heaven is "toxic" (for very understandable reasons) and this season he's continually sheltered from new evidence of its structural problems. The plot just preaches to the choir: Crowley. He likewise wouldn't see the conflict Gabriel and Beelzebub have caused as evidence of an underlying problem because that's a problem he and Crowley will no longer share. Why would they be worried about Heaven still being unable to accept partnerships between angels and demons when Crowley will no longer be a demon? And that's something he presumably wants based on Aziraphale's memories of him and the ongoing admission that he's lonely.

The way I see it, they got what they thought they wanted at the start of Season 2. Heaven and Hell are keeping an eye on them, but functionally they're left alone. Crowley can spend all the time he wants with Aziraphale and nothing comes of that except that they're both continually named traitors and the higher-ups grumble about it. If Gabriel had never shown up, things should have been perfect based on Crowley's "Let's just run away and have each other's company" standards. Better, even, considering that they get to be together on their beloved Earth, rather than being bored out in Alpha Centauri without any sushi, plants, books, or Bentleys. And yet... Crowley doesn't strike me as particularly happy. Because, you know, based on that kiss he wants to be with Aziraphale, not just literally be with him, but the point of this post is that his "Let's run away and be an 'us'" falls totally flat when he doesn't explain that specific desire to Aziraphale; the desire to change what an 'us' means. From Aziraphale's perspective they're already an 'us.' That was the entire point of "our side" in Season 1 and now they can continue to be 'us' up in Heaven. Plus, Aziraphale likely sees this as a sacrifice on his part. He will give up his bookshop, his Earthly indulgences, take on the responsibilities of leadership (which I don't think he actually wants for a variety of reasons), and spend the rest of eternity in a place where he's felt so small because he thinks that's what Crowley wants. Crowley was happy as an angel. Crowley wanted them to be together without risk of permanent discorporation. They were able to achieve that after not-Armageddon and he still wasn't happy... so surely those two things together will do the trick. Crowley never actually articulates how he wants their relationship to change and the kiss comes much too late, when he's already rejected what Aziraphale must see as a perfect, selfless solution he's secured for them. Even if Crowley wasn't always moving too fast for him, an overture of romance isn't going to go well after that.

Is this crushing and angsty and devastating as a hiatus? Damn straight, my heart it breaking. But it's a good setup. More importantly, it makes perfect sense for their characters, particularly when they're still talking past one another. Aziraphale is someone who has always moved more slowly as a matter of course, as an angel he has remained immersed in the rhetoric of Heaven, his main avenue of breaking free of that (Crowley) has a huge communication problem (to say nothing of his own denial. He only made headway with the help of Nina and Maggie, seconds before Aziraphale shows up), and Metatron (in a no doubt incredibly manipulative manner) has just offered Aziraphale a job that presumably makes him happy AND Crowley happy AND allows him to maintain the moral this-is-how-the-universe-works perspective he's had since he was literally created. Of course he's going to say yes to all that!! And sure, there are problems in Heaven, Aziraphale isn't completely blind, but he can fix them now that he's in charge. How? Well... he'll figure that out later! Kinda like how he's been making plans on the fly this entire season. That seems logical from his perspective, right? It's not like he's gotten a crash-course in the concept of the master's tools never being able to dismantle the master's house...

#Good Omens #Good Omens spoilers #Good Omens 2 #Good Omens 2 spoilers #GO2 #GO2 spoilers #mymetas #this is so rough and I'll probably write better metas later #but I just have FEELINGS RIGHT NOW OKAY

[triflesandparsnips]

So I understand that there are Good Omens show fans who have never read Good Omens the book, and that makes me deeply sad because--

Like, there's so much depth to the story being told about humans and humanity and the choice between good and evil -- and how that's actually a false dichotomy whoooops -- WHILE ALSO not really being about Aziraphale and Crowley at all (who are, imo, basically there as embodiments of "Impressive Failures" for the purposes of Theme and also Plot).

BUT IF you want to know why I've shipped them since the book-- here's the moment it happened for wee teenage me:

Wednesday (before the end of the world)

So it's Warlock's birthday party. And there are all these children and security guards and also an angel doing magic tricks while a demon is disguised as a caterer. This bit is basically the same as the show, so hooray.

But as wee me understood the characters up to this point, they were still basically enemies who had been in the field together for way too long and knew each other's moves well enough for the same tempting/thwarting of one another to become kind of boring and repetitive and generally pointless-- particularly once they realized that they could, for instance, just live their (separate!) lives watching humans being weird (Crowley) and seeking various sensory stuff (Aziraphale) while doing the least work necessary to keep their respective bosses off their backs.

The Arrangement was borne not out of hiding a friendship or anything, but instead the realization that sometimes covering for one another would just... cut down on their total overall workload. They were, at best, employees of two different, competitive companies-- though in same kind of department, doing the same kind of work-- who discovered they liked to have lunch at the same deli and that their jobs were sometimes distressingly more similar than either was comfortable with.

SO ANYWAY. BACK TO THAT WEDNESDAY. They're not covering for one another with this whole Antichrist thing-- they're now actively collaborating, and they've acknowledged (mostly) that it's not to cut down on their individual workloads, but rather to preserve their identical-- but not shared (not yet)-- goals of Getting To Continue The Lives On Earth They've Grown To Enjoy.

But like-- still not friends. Not really.

Until Aziraphale fucks up a bit, Warlock accidentally gets hold of a security guard's weapon and starts waving it around, and:

Then someone threw some jelly at Warlock. The boy squeaked, and pulled the trigger of the gun. It was a Magnum .32, CIA issue, gray, mean, heavy, capable of blowing a man away at thirty paces, and leaving nothing more than a red mist, a ghastly mess, and a certain amount of paperwork. Aziraphale blinked. A thin stream of water squirted from the nozzle and soaked Crowley, who had been looking out the window, trying to see if there was a huge black dog in the garden. Aziraphale looked embarrassed. Then a cream cake hit him in the face.

My teenage brain exploded at this moment.

BECAUSE: there is no reason for Aziraphale to do that.

Work-wise: If he got shot, Crowley would get discorporated, but not die-- and anyway, it would happen in such a way that both of them could explain it away easily to their respective sides (and possibly even be commended for it!).

Collaboration-wise: If Crowley had been watching Aziraphale, and if he'd seen Aziraphale have the chance to change the gun but not do it-- then yeah, probably that would've been annoying enough to have warranted some chilly conversations once he came back topside, and therefore, Aziraphale choosing to save Crowley could've been a reasonable, logical choice to keep their working relationship on an even keel until they'd sorted out this Doomsday thing.

But Crowley was looking the other way.

Work-wise, it doesn't make sense-- and secret-collaboration-wise, it doesn't make sense-- and so it is, overall, really weird that Aziraphale saved him.

But his automatic reaction-- in a blink-- is to stop Crowley from getting shot. And he knows it's weird-- he feels embarrassed that his sudden, unthinking reaction is to save his "enemy".

And the final bit is just a couple paragraphs later:

With a gesture, Aziraphale turned the rest of the guns into water pistols as well, and walked out.

SO LOOK: He changed only the pistol about to shoot Crowley. His automatic reaction had nothing to do with saving a party full of humans, many of them children-- nothing to do with Heaven or Hell-- nothing to do with preserving the coworker he needs to stop Armageddon--

It was all to do with saving Crowley. Who may be the enemy, but he's Aziraphale's enemy. And another part of his life on Earth that he's doing all of this just to preserve.

Which may also be, for the first time, the moment he lets himself realize how important Crowley in particular is to him.

...and so anyway, that's how I started shipping these two immortal idiots, and one of many reasons why everyone should read the book.

#good omens #good omens book #versus #good omens tv

[ineffable-suffering]

The meaning of "I forgive you"

Alright, hello again, I involuntarily dipped for a bit because real life outside of this lovely Tumblr Good Omens bubble got a little bit stressful, but! I'm back for a quick little post to say that I'm currently reading the script book for Season 1 and seeing this line again, spelled out on paper, just shone some more light on the whole „I forgive you“-scene of Season 2 for me again.

Because really, this first time Az says it to Crowley in front of the bookshop tells us exactly what the second time during the Final Fifteen means.

Aziraphale is not forgiving Crowley for kissing him. Or for using this moment to confess and make things explicit between them.

No, Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for not trusting and believing (in) him.

Let's shove the Final Fifteen to the side for a second and look at this scene from Season 1 under the cut.

The situation at hand: The World is ending, with utmost certainty. In addition, Crowley is absolutely f*cked and Hell is out to get him. He tries to apologise for their Bandstand fallout and explain the other two things to Az (poorly, but he tries). Because to Crowley, Armageddon is a done deal already. Wherever the actual Antichrist is, he's gonna come into his power and the World will be wiped out for Heaven and Hell to wage their war on. Also, Hastur is coming to kick his demon ass. Time to dip!

And yet, Aziraphale doesn't want to come with him. He is adamant that he will be able to reach the Almighty, talk to Her and turn this around. Because if Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate, thinks there's even the slightest, tiniest morsel of a chance that he can turn things around the right way, he will do it. Even if it sounds ridiculous. Even if it's a lost cause to everyone else. Even if all the other angels gang up on him and (literally) beat him up.

Even if Crowley calls him stupid.

Aziraphale decides not to be offended by this.

Because this is what he does. This is what a Guardian does. He stays and protects to ward off the intrusion, until the very last second.

Now listen, I'm the last person to blame Crowley for intrinsically wanting to choose Flight over Fight in this very situation, because Lord knows (literally) what happened to him back when he chose Fight and lost.

But at the same time we have to keep in mind that despite his last name, Aziraphale never Fell. He never made the horrible experience of being chucked away by the one who made you to love Her because you chose to question her ways. And yes, in so many ways this choice of his, to still believe that he can change something by questioning and suggesting (both here and in S2), is utterly maddening and hurtful to Crowley. Because it's a mirror of what Crowley himself did and a reminder of just how big the price he had to pay was. Aziraphale seemingly not realizing or understanding this stings. It does.

And yet.

Yet Aziraphale's choice to not take no for an answer, to not let a punch to the gut derail him from his plan, to not let even the most definitive thing such as Armageddon keep him from fighting back, is the one thing that ends up saving the World.

Because even when it all seems impossible and completely hopeless and bloody Satan himself is erupting from the pits of Hell, ...

... Aziraphale picks up his sword and fights back.

And he wins.

Not without help, of course. But might I remind you of what got Crowley to cooperate and not simply surrender like he'd almost done that second?

You might not see it at first, but tucked in between all the posh hedonism, hidden away underneath that tightly buttoned waistcoat of his, Aziraphale is a fighter. And a good one at that. I mean, for Someone's sake, he got discorporated, beamed himself down back to Earth, found Crowley somehow, possessed a psychic prostitute (love you, Madame Tracy), rode a scooter all the way to Taddfield and fought off Lucifer with sheer willpower (and a bit of emotional coercion).

Aziraphale can fight. Smart and hard. And not only that: He can win, too. And he knows it. Because he believes, truly, firmly and wholly, that he can make things right. It's the only thing he will settle for. This, ladies and gents, this is how he ends up saving the World, together with Crowley, Adam and the rest.

Because he didn't accept no as an answer. He didn't look at the impossible and accept it as such. Even when Crowley thought him to be an idiot for trying and even after his initial attempt at talking to God had failed, Aziraphale still found a way to stop The Big Bad Thing from happening.

Which is exactly what his plan is when he ends up being forced to come back to Heaven by the Metatron. (If you still believe this was a voluntary choice, read here). And which is exactly why he is so hurt and still ends up forgiving Crowley for the fact that Crowley doesn't end up coming with him. Doesn't end up understanding, trusting and believing (in) him, just like all the way back at the end of the World in Season 1.

Aziraphale decides not to be offended by this.

#good omens #good omens season 2 #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #good omens meta #gos2 #good omens 2 #i forgive you #*saunters onto your feed* i'm BACK #the final fifteen #aziraphale is a fighter #and he will always win #my own meta

[mrghostrat]

drunk dress meet cute plz? 👀💕

omg just remembered i got this one from a writing prompt tumblr but it won't leave my brain 😭 possibly a pwp because i'm so stuck on the prompt i can't think of how to flesh it out more

aziraphale and crowley are neighbours, never actually spoken tho (crowley is very Severe, don't make eye contact)

but one night, far too late to be decent, crowley knocks on aziraphale's door. he looks an absolute mess, hair all fucked up and mascara only half removed, he's wearing satin pyjama bottoms underneath a super tight rucked up little dress. and he is completely breathless.

but before aziraphale can even ask if he's okay ("do you need me to call someone????? the police? your mum maybe???") crowley's like "I CANNOT GET THIS ZIPPER UNDONE, PLEASE."

anyway he'd invite him inside out of the cold, wrangle the jammed zipper down the back of the dress, probably near-discorporate from every inch of skin that's slowly revealed until crowley just whips the whole bitch off when it's undone. maybe sits down while aziraphale offers him some water and something to eat, but by the time aziraphale comes back, he's fallen asleep on the couch, and gets the mercy/mortification of waking up shirtless at the hot angel's place

#ask a rat #ratwips #good omens/

[aziraphale-rights]

I have this line in one of my fics about Aziraphale's 'company-owned human heart' that has been on my mind recently.

Because for me personally this is the number one plot hole at the end of the book/S1, and actually one of the best justifications for why more story was needed: the corporations.

It's established so many times, and is so key to several plot points, that Aziraphale and Crowley need to borrow a body to be on Earth and that Heaven/Hell have control over their access to this resource.

That's why the narrative stakes are still high for them in 'risk to life' situations, even though they're technically immortal. It's why Aziraphale has to possess Madam Tracy to be able to get back to Earth and help stop Armageddon. It's why Crowley gets stuck in Hell for decades (and possibly tortured) after he takes the laudanum. (It's also the reason Heaven feel entitled to keep up a running invasive commentary on what Aziraphale chooses to 'ingest'.)

In the original ending, Aziraphale's 'no body' problem is sorted out by Adam who gives him a new one, and then off they go to their happily ever after at the Ritz. But... this doesn't address the fact that Aziraphale and Crowley are still able to be 'killed', in which case (with Adam now a normal kid) they would be totally dependent on their antagonistic employers to get back to Earth. In a fantasy universe where so many things are handwavey or determined by 'rule of funny', this is one of the few story rules that is actually pretty clear and consistent.

It's also, imo, quietly a tragedy for Aziraphale and Crowley. Not just because of the risk of getting discorporated (which is at least theoretically avoidable). They experience Earth via their corporations; everything about who they are is now defined by the lives they have led in human bodies; and those bodies belong to someone else. This is a problem that touches absolutely everything they care about. Especially now that they have realised they want their relationship to be human in a way that Beelzebub and Gabriel don't. What does it mean to communicate love body to body, express love as a thing of the body, if that body is effectively a bit of equipment on loan to you from the office?

Their happily ever after can't be complete, I don't think, until they have more ownership over themselves on this front. And that can only be achieved by a waaaaaaay more drastic rearrangement of the status quo than what we got in the resolution of the Antichrist plot.

#good omens #good omens meta #takes by me

[eviebane]

Aziraphale spoke with The Metatron during the attack

Aziraphale's only plan during the bookshop attack was to request the gate. We know from S1 that someone in Heaven has to open it. Aziraphale initially thought it was God but it turned out to be The Metatron, who says he'll leave the gateway open for Aziraphale.

In 2x05 Aziraphale requests a gate. "Hello? Anybody there?" He's reaching out to someone in Heaven. Note that just before the gateway opens, the audience mostly stays with Maggie & Nina while Aziraphale is busy in the background. He disappears for 1 minute and 14 seconds just before opening the gateway.

The video below shows the bookshop attack up until Aziraphale steps away from the gateway, focusing on Aziraphale's whereabouts (2m16s).

At this point I wonder exactly what Aziraphale was up to. Requesting a gateway is a sure-fire way to summon someone from Heaven, but no one appears in the gateway and he ends up just using it to discorporate demons. Aziraphale acknowledges that even demons aren't that stupid, they won't keep walking into it forever - it was a flimsy plan.

Is it possible that this plan was either only part of his plan, or a failed plan so he adapted. In either of these plans, I think the goal was to speak to Heaven but as the gateway was empty, Aziraphale used the gate as a weapon.

Why would Aziraphale reach out to Heaven? Well, it's exactly what he did in S1 when things went wrong. He tried to talk to God to 'sort this whole mess out'. Trying again in S2 isn't that far-fetched.

Several times in S2, Aziraphale references being under Heaven's protection and the bookshop being an embassy, despite even Shax pointing out that wasn't true.

Did Aziraphale want to speak to Metatron? We now have Aziraphale requesting a gate in the same manner he did in S1 when he spoke to Metatron, so we have to assume Aziraphale expected that requesting the gate would summon the Metatron to it.

Perhaps he was trying God (even though he tried God in S1 and knows he just gets the Metatron) or trying another angel (but we don't know of any angel allies he has so this seems unlikely). Therefore I'm concluding he was trying to summon the Metatron.

Why would Aziraphale want to speak to the Metatron? It could have been purely to get access to the gateway as a weapon in the attack, but again, Aziraphale himself said it wouldn't be that effective. I believe Aziraphale's plan went beyond just opening the gateway.

You can read my meta post about the Final Fifteen and Aziraphale’s plan for season 3 here.

If Aziraphale wanted to speak to the Metatron, I believe it was to ask for help. Now, the Metatron wouldn't give this freely so he would ask for something in return. Remember that the Metatron is keen to launch Armageddon 2.0 and knows that Aziraphale is a threat to his plans.

What was the deal? This is difficult to theorise as we don't have a lot of clues. There's a few lines that strike me as odd.

"Do people ever ask for Death?" "What?" "Well, the name of your establishment, Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death. I assume they always ask for coffee." "They don't ever ask for Death, no." "No, I don't suppose they do. So predictable."

"It's just you and me, Aziraphale. I think we need to have a bit of a chinwag, don't you?" "I don't believe there's anything left to be said. I've made my position quite clear."

The way Aziraphale says he's made his position quite clear feels to me like a conversation has already taken place. We know Aziraphale isn't offered the Supreme Archangel job until later on, so what could they have discussed prior?

We see parallels in S2 about making deals where someone could claim a favour owed later on. Did Aziraphale also make a deal with the Metatron - in exchange for the gateway, the Metatron could claim a favour from Aziraphale?

It could be a blanket 'yes' to anything he asks for. It could be Aziraphale's return to Heaven or even his death. I'm honestly not going to rule anything out. But this could (could!) explain Aziraphale's sincerity during the Final Fifteen when he tells Crowley about the Metatron's offer. Perhaps this was a better deal than he was originally offered or just imagined. Remember that there are pieces of his café conversation with the Metatron that we don't see.

Maybe it's a little far-reaching, but I do think it's not outlandish to believe that Neil has something very sneaky happening up his (and Aziraphale's) sleeve, and any good magician has already started their trick before the audience even starts watching for it to begin. There is so much to unpack in S2 and I think to guess at S3, we need to look back further than the Final Fifteen.

As always let me know your thoughts!

*edit* I don't think the gateway was opened before we see it open, but we know that Heaven can hear his pray before the gateway opens. Was Aziraphale in the back room praying for help?

#good omens meta #good omens #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #gomens #goodomens #ineffable divorce #gomens 2 #good omens 2 #the metatron #bookshop attack #nina #maggie #shax

[thedemonknownasbilly]

Awesome!

If you're willing, could I request headcanons for Aziraphale x Crowley x gender neutral reader where reader is chubby and insecure about their appearance?

Oh, Darling - HC for Ineffable Husbands with Chubby!Reader

Absolutely! Sorry for the delay, it was around midnight for me when I replied to the first anon, and I was just knocked out right after!

Ineffable Husbands x GN!Reader

Any and all pet names/compliments are meant as GN!

Mentions ED/Skipping meals (that’s more of a personal touch on my end as someone who is a bit curvier than average)

So let’s cover how they treat you separately, since as much as they try to be, they aren’t always attached at the hip.

Crowley

To be honest it took him a minute to even notice, ethereal (occult) beings don’t typically fuss or pay attention to “human flaws”

You guys would have met at the park bench, he was waiting for Aziraphale, and his was the only bench with a spot open.

“Could I sit here?”

“Hm?” He’d look up from his newspaper and will any blush on his cheeks to discorporate “yeah, yeah, he’s running late so I’m sure I’ll be leaving soon.”

You’d start talking to the ducks, and he was a goner, slowly joining in your conversation and just having a grand time with you.

When Aziraphale finally showed up, Crowley left you his number and told you to text him the next time you wanted to talk about anything.

He gushed about you and your knowledge of ducks to Aziraphale, who teased his husband over this crush.

After a good thousand texts, a few hang outs, and Aziraphale’s okay after a lengthy conversation, Crowley asked you out, and ofc you said yes.

He absolutely adores your curves, never seeing them as a flaw.

Won’t stand for any blasphemy you might have to say against it.

He will happily curl himself around you, slender fingers on your hips as he adorns you in kisses.

He notices some days you’ll shy away from his touch, and he never wants you uncomfortable.

But one day you had shied away all day, (he always kept track) he’d even say you were almost flinching from his touch.

This worried him, every situation he conjured in his head was that he had upset you or maybe that you didn’t even love him anymore.

So it certainly made you have to repress a sad giggle when you saw those sad yellow eyes look up at you as he asked, “is there another?”

“Never in a million years, my darling.” And with that he relaxed and sat beside you, noticing how you pressed yourself to the side of the couch.

“Then what’s with this, why won’t you let me touch you..?” He was always big on boundaries and respect, but usually he was given a sort of heads up, not just thrusted into a new rule.

“It’s silly…”

“If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”

You’d go on to explain everything, how you’d always been the bigger kid, how the curves and rolls of your body often were topics of things your exes hated about you. The bullying, the lack of food, the unaffordable research on surgery even. “But even then, I’m scared you’ll realize I’m not worth the pain that a human comes with if I’m not attractive enough.”

Crowley listened intently, he always would, but he couldn’t deny that he hated what he was hearing. “Let me touch you, please.”

And when you shyly nodded, his hands were on your thighs as he surged forward and pressed his lips to yours.

“I don’t give two fucks about human beauty. You’re perfect for me.” He’d growl out as he moved to kiss down your jaw and neck, pressing his lips to every stretch of skin he could reach. “Think I give a fuck? Really? Ask Aziraphale how much we go to the Ritz, think to every time I’ve asked you. At first I figured it wasn’t your cup of tea. Not that you were treating yourself so downright wrong.”

You couldn’t help to giggle at that, and he looked up at you. “I would really like to go to lunch with you, and if it helps, we can invite the angel.”

Having Aziraphale there did help, he was enjoying his food without a care in the world for any leering eyes, and you did the same, blushing as your boyfriend adored you and his husband.

He was always there, especially now that he knew, always behind you when you stood too long in the mirror, hands on your hips as he’d whisper praises and compliments into your ear, making you repeat a few on the worst days.

Aziraphale

Once again, Aziraphale would hardly count it as the first thing he noticed. He certainly wasn’t the most slender figure himself even by human standards.

You two would meet at Maggie’s Record Shop. He was there to pick up something new and you were browsing for your favorite CDs to be on record.

He was thrilled to see Maggie have a customer and swore than if he had put a heart into his form that it would be pounding out of his chest.

He’d hurry to the Record Shop every time he saw you in the windows, finally after four run-ins, you introduced yourself to him.

You would be the only person regularly allowed into the bookshop.

Crowley had met you numerous times since, and he even encouraged his angel to ask you out. So Aziraphale finally did.

He soon found his favorite spot was to have his head on your lap, your fingers scratching against his scalp as you two would listen to whatever he’d put on the record.

He noticed one day though when you seemed to be fidgeting before he laid down, and it took him a moment to realize you were trying to make yourself look smaller.

“My darling, what are you doing?” He asked carefully, sitting beside you and placing a hand on your thigh.

Something about such a simple question and gesture made you break down, explaining how you wanted to be perfect, that you wished you looked more like Crowley did so that these treacherous thoughts would leave your mind.

Aziraphale was concerned, feeling a twist in his stomach as he carefully pulled you onto his lap, a position you tried to protest, but when he whispered out a “for me, please,” you couldn’t say no.

“My darling, having one of Crowley is more than enough. I’m quite happy to have you as you are, wouldn’t dream of asking you to change in any way.”

He’d listen to every thought you had, giving you all of his attention as his thumbs trace circles on your thighs and hips, and when you were done, he’d counter every argument with his own, explaining gently that he had truly never paid much attention to your own weight, that it was your soul and personality he adored.

“But you are quite gorgeous, I found myself aching to see you everyday before I got to know you. I’d sit right here at my desk, and wait, hoping you’d come back.” He would cup your face as he said that, “I’m not perfect by human standards either, I chose this form, why on earth would I make you change when certainly I could be in a better body for you as well.”

He always watched out for signs of those thoughts creeping back in, but everyday, he’d end it by kissing you everywhere before bed, murmuring praises and compliments against your skin like a prayer.

Ineffable Husbands

You had ventured into the bookshop on a rainy day, noticing a red and black snake perched on a sweater in the warmest spot he could be in.

“Aren’t you adorable?” You’d coo, looking around for anyone to ask before whispering to the snake, “can I pet you?”

At that the snake opened one yellow eye, looked you up and down and nodded, very human like you thought, but you carefully rested a finger against his head, between his eyes, and stroked down his body, watching as the snake seemed perfectly happy with such actions and melted back into the sweater.

Soon the owner emerged from the back, “oh I do apologize, I was fetching some lanterns incase we lost power.” He said, Aziraphale you’d learn his name was, he certainly had a small look of shock on his face when he saw Crowley allowing you to stroke him.

“So,” Aziraphale talked to the snake when you had left hours later, “I take it someone likes them?”

“Me?” Crowley slithered onto the floor and changed forms, “what about you excitedly prattling on and showing them every book of every topic they mentioned. You even let them take one home.”

“They’re bringing it back!” Aziraphale chuckled in an effort of protest.

“Oh, sweet love of mine, I think we both fancy them.” // “Indeed it seems we both do, I hope they spend more time with us soon.”

Months later, you had learned that Crowley was the snake from that day, not being horrified but instead it made you reach up without thinking and gently stroke his hair, if demons could actually melt he was certain he’d be a puddle on the floor of the bookshop, Aziraphale had gone to fetch you a new book, and Crowley trapped you onto the couch, seemingly having no joints as he curled himself around you as best he could; his head on your shoulder.

“Crowley, dear, can’t hog them to yourself now.” And Aziraphale sat beside you, hand on your waist (under Crowley) and a head on your shoulder. “I think it’s fair that we say, well, we like you. The both of us.”

You giggled at the obvious statement and turned to kiss him as his answer, hearing Crowley whine and giving him a kiss right after.

Within the next two months, you had also moved into the flat above the bookshop, which made it easier for your two loves to see just how much you seemed uncomfortable with yourself.

“When’s the last time they ate?” Crowley murmured one day, swearing that he hadn’t seen you eat all day, or the day before.

“A while, I’m worried.” With that, they both searched for you, not expecting to find you curled up under the blankets with tear stains on your cheeks.

“Darling, what’s wrong?” The with sit on the edge of the bed, Aziraphale’s hand stroking your hair and Crowley’s rubbing your back.

“Got in my head…” you’d murmur, striking concern within them as they soon encouraged you to lay in the middle of the bed, Aziraphale to your front and Crowley to your back.

Crowley’s hand never leaving your hips as he pressed kisses to you, “don’t hide from me,” he’d say when he felt you trying to will your body further into the bed. And when Aziraphale finally asked what was wrong, you told them everything from childhood, to today, “I just want to be attractive enough for an angel and a demon, like those other ones are.”

“My dear,” Aziraphale said rather seriously, “you are more than attractive enough, haven’t we shown that?” Crowley still pressing kisses made your mind seem fuzzy with bliss as Aziraphale kissed your lips, seemingly trying to pour every ounce of his adoration into it.

They would spent hours telling you about every part of you they loved, leaving no room for any insecurities, mentally or physically.

“I quite like you at this size, more for me to hold, just like with ‘Ziraphale.”

“And besides, while you may be human, we aren’t, I assure you, Crowley could pick us both up and not break a sweat.”

They’d take turns whenever an insecurity seemed to pop back up on bad days, whichever notice would help you for hours, making sure you never felt less than with them.

#good omens #crowley #tdkab #thedemonknownasbilly #aziraphale #aziracrow #anthony j crowley #aziraphale x crowley #azicrow #ineffable husbands x reader #good ineffable omens #ineffable husbands #ineffable spouses #crowley x arizaphale #crowley x you #crowley x reader #aziraphale x reader #az fell #aziraphale x you #gn!reader #gn reader #mike x reader #headcanon #chubby reader #curvy reader #anon ask #request #reqs open

[miumiumanzo]

Some sad face headcanon

I love the idea that Bee was once one of the most beautiful angels God created (maybe next to Lucifer, who knows) and they were badly disfigured after the fall. As a demon, they took a new face -- only to be discorporated again by Satan as a punishment for not being able to go through the Armageddon (he also took a few inches away from their height lol)

Bee could've changed their face out of their own volition like they said in canon but the idea that demons lie and they hide the reason why they change their face out of embarrassment is just more angst inducing interesting.

There's also this idea that their demon face is some sort a "here look at me now" statement to God. If they can't be enough for Her, then they could do their own thing like giving themself a new face, new title, new purpose, and as 6000 years go by, Bee retains no single memory of their angel life and their angel face.

But turns out they weren't good enough for Satan and Hell either.

They take whatever face they could get after the fail-maggedon. It doesn't matter what face they have, it's no longer a statement, just another flesh to inhibit. They will never be good enough for both God and Satan anyway and they will always be a mere pawn in their ineffable game.

But to someone, they are enough.

They are more than enough.

Anyway, I don't have any particular face claim for angel!Bee. But in my head they're a really pretty feminine looking angel with golden curls and an updo (still tiny). Their hair was badly burnt during the fall and it remains that way. I also like the headcanon that swirls around that Bee was Johphiel; beauty of God.

(Although I still hold the hc that Lucy is the most beautiful angel God ever created. In my head, he was a dainty platinum blonde hair twink, with long silky smooth hair, and slender, hairless body -- I find it a funny contrast to the somewhat rugged built, refrigerator shaped Gabriel)

#good omens #ineffable bureaucracy #boxfly #beelzebub x gabriel #gabriel x beelzebub #good omens 2 #good omens beelzebub #cw mild body horror #body horror #mild body horror #fanart

[beebopboom]

Unexpected Help

(a season 2 theory)

Saraqael opened the gateway in the bookshop

Or at least I think so - and I'm sure this has been said before, but this just clicked in my head, so sorry about that

One of the first scenes we see with Saraqael is them zooming in on the source of the plume of power - The Bookshop

Which we know was performed in the sigil

I also just think it is interesting that we only see the Earth in Heaven in scenes associated with the sigil - though in different areas of Heaven

it's in the room when Aziraphale shows up in Heaven after he gets discorporated via open gateway - and he uses it to go back down

Saraqael actively using it to search for Gabriel after they figure he is on Earth and being the one to show Michael and Uriel where the plume of energy, performed via sigil, is located

From what we see the view cannot see inside the bookshop (or any shop for that matter)

But anyway

Fast forward a little and we see Saraqael has joined in the confrontation of Aziraphale

"Don't tell me you did it”

"I'll send someone tomorrow morning to log and verify the miracle”

"We'll be keeping a very close eye on you, Aziraphale”

And then we don't see them again until Crowley is up in Heaven - so what have they been up to?

Doing exactly what they said they would be doing - keeping a close eye on at least Aziraphale

If we they were using the Earth in Heaven to do so and we assume it can't see into the bookshop - well they said they would be sending someone, Muriel (who we do see report back what was happening in the bookshop)

And if they had just seen Aziraphale and Crowley's outside actions - well I mean they weren't exactly subtle with Gabriel and they were pretty much always together

But a big thing they would have seen is the Edinburgh trip - in which one of them leaves and the other stays with the bookshop. The trip that gave them the first big clue on what is up with Gabriel.

So when the demons are waiting to attack the bookshop perhaps they seen Crowley go up the lift and leave Aziraphale with the bookshop - reminiscent of another time

but Aziraphale is their main objective and he is getting attacked by demons, so they stay. Then when Aziraphale calls out if anyone is there - well they are and they open the gateway and leave it open while they head off to go see Crowley and Muriel since the Gabriel file was pulled (and no one else is doing anything)

So they let Crowley watch the trial -probably tired of watching them fumble around - the final big clue

Crowley's and Saraqael's relationship is so interesting here and I feel like we are getting some glimpses of who they really are - while they call Crowley the enemy it is immediately followed by them talking about working with The Starmarker (almost fondly) - but this really shines through when Aziraphale tosses the halo

"I think your friend just declared war on Hell”

"This could get very messy"

Which isn't that interesting? It’s just not the usual language one would use with someone they view as an “enemy”

"Your friend" - not the usual words to describe Aziraphale or their relationship, i’m ignoring the metatron

"This could get very messy” - No question as to why he did it, just wasn't the way they expected it to go - very messy indeed

When they do get to the shop they aren't very surprised to hear Gabriel is there but I won’t stress this point to much since there could be other explanations

But lets talk about the big moment - Metatron arrives and they are nervous

Not just nervous but actively moving to the back but why? Well

they opened the gateway for the traitor

they helped a demon in heaven

That's not counting if they knew about Gabriel before he was revealed, perhaps since they began watching - and didn't report it

They just did a few big things that could get them into some big trouble and The Metatron arriving is no small thing - they just actively went against his orders. Nervous is understandable.

————————————————————————

but yeah just a little theory

and I know there are holes as to - “why they would do this in the first place?” “why they let Crowley watch the trial” “how did they recognize The Metatron” - but maybe that is to be answered another time

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens meta #good omens theory #aziraphale #crowley #good omens saraqael #saraqael

[ineffable-baker-street]

Metatron's Evil Plan

Starting with Gabriel's trial. Metatron said, "No speeches Gabriel you're not going to Hell.

He then adds "which there isn't."

It would obviously be an issue if Heaven were to be viewed as problematic and out of control, with fallen angels left, right and centre. So they tried to manage Gabriel, make it so he just faded from his place of power, but he outsmarted them. And suddenly there were two former high-up's down on earth, and we all saw just how desperate they were to get Gabriel back. It's clearly A Concern.

So unfortunately Gabriel has escaped from their clutches, with a Prince of Hell no less.

Very much not a good look. So Heaven needs to act and it needs to be now. Mere minutes after Gabriel and Beelzebub leave together, Metatron is on earth.

Then he goes to the coffee shop. He asks Nina, "Do people ever ask for Death?" and the subtitles were capitalised which I do think further supports my point. We already know that seeing Death is a bad omen, since at the end of Season One right after they saw him they were both dragged away to their would-be permanent discorporations.

There is also something to be said for the mirroring of the first season and second season. I've seen theories, as well as noticed myself that many things line up. I can't find the post that laid a lot of things out but here's a few that I've noticed.

The mention of Death in the final episode, right before something bad happens (they both get taken to be punished/Aziraphale leaves Earth.)

Aziraphale and Crowley both holding someone's hands with the person in between them (Adam in S1E6 and Jimbriel in season 2, episode one or two i can't remember which)

The Nightingale reference. Pretty obvious, but ending the season on that song holds significance. I think most people have seen the theory that that's a message from Aziraphale, but I won't go into that here or this will never end.

The nightingales plus the plans to go to the Ritz being gone I think is definitely symbolic of the fact that they've lost something. Again, an obvious option, but it's an important place for them, so the fact they had similar plans, that were then interrupted, reflects Season One while also telling us that things are clearly not going to be good.

But then you also consider that it's perhaps exactly what the Metatron wanted all along, for Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship of love and trust to completely fall away, symbolised by the hopes of dining at the Ritz disappearing.

Therefore I think a pretty reasonable conclusion from the mention of Death - and the parallels with last season - from someone as sinister as the Metatron is that something is going to happen to most likely both of them. Metatron is also almost surprised that people never ask for death, as it is "so predictable." There was definite intention in that scene, and makes me wonder if he thinks whatever he's trying to make happen will make them wish for death?

This next point is a big one. At first you might think its coincidental but if you go back and watch the scene I think you'll be convinced. When the Metatron enters the bookshop, the lamps with the candle looking bulbs and the glass decorations jingle and move. I can't find a good GIF to show it but if you rewatch I promise you'll notice it. And yes, since the door has just closed and there's potential wind they might move for a few seconds, but they continue moving the entire time Metatron is in the bookshop. This scene goes on for approximately 2.5 - 3 minutes, definitely too long for them to be moving. But, I suppose you never know, could be coincidental. Until he leaves the shop with Aziraphale. They move more vigorously on his way out, but by the time (about three seconds) Crowley walks towards the window to watch them go, they've completely stopped moving. Not a coincidence. Metatron has some sort of energy that's powerful, or influential enough, that it cause material objects to move vigorously when he's near them. They didn't even move nearly as much when literal demons entered the shop, at the beginning of episode six.

Considering the fact that those lamps were completely conjured by Aziraphale for his ball, I have a strong suspicion he's particularly influential over magical objects... or magical things (entities) in general. (This is important later)

Metatron also says, "just you and me, Aziraphale, eh?" which is honestly something that sounds more like enemies facing off in a battle, than friends going out for a chat. It's like when a murderer is alone with their victim, and while Az and Metatron are talking there are no witnesses. I definitely think this is foreshadowing for next season when Aziraphale has to face off with the Metatron.

When they're leaving the shop the Metatron is all lovely smiles while Aziraphale is looking, and he seems a bit like a harmless old man, but as soon as Azi's back is turned he gives Crowley the most hateful, sinister, conniving glare, with [tense music playing] according to the subtitles and also my ears. He is up to something. This is a very strong piece of evidence that the Metatron Does Not Like Crowley.

He tells Aziraphale, "you are just the angel for the job." It could be an ordinary thing to say, but no I don't think so. I think the Metatron has been carefully considering this for quite some time, and I think this is all about Crowley. He says there are "huge plans afoot, enormous projects," and he's so careful to be extremely vague, while talking Aziraphale up. Then he uses a tactic knows will work, which is playing with Aziraphale's heart and using Crowley.

"I've been looking back over a number of your previous exploits, and I see that in quite a few of them you formed a de facto partnership with the demon Crowley."

He has done meticulous research, and it's made clear earlier that he hates Crowley. But, he knows that Aziraphale loves Crowley, and that he wouldnt be able to resist the chance to try and do what he thinks is the right thing. Metatron mentioned that he was a 'Prince of Heaven' and that it could be seen as an 'institutional problem'. Well Heaven can't really been seen to have problems can it? And Crowley has been doing whatever he pleases for six thousand years, not on the side of Heaven or Hell, and I think that they're sick of it. He's already 'corrupted' one angel, who knows what's next? They don't want someone to hold that kind of knowledge and power over them, and Crowley holds a far greater knowledge of earth than any of the rest of them do.

And so the Metatron offers Aziraphale something he knows he won't refuse:

And I have to ask, why, why would he ever have Crowley reinstated to "full angelic status?" Two seconds ago he just described him as a demon?? The answer is that he wouldn't. Somehow I don't think heaven makes a habit of restoring fallen angels. He has a master plan, and that involves getting to Crowley, which means getting Aziraphale out of the way. Eventually I think they'll attempt to use them against each other, but the first thing for them to do was gain some control over Crowley. The Metatron had offered for Crowley to come to Heaven, which does of course provide easy access to him and if Crowley had chosen to do that it probably would've worked for them. But I think the Metatron was counting on Crowley not wanting to go back, and that Aziraphale suggesting it would even drive a wedge through their relationship (which it did).

And now Aziraphale is off somewhere busy working, they aren't speaking to each other and Crowley is alone on earth, no one is going to notice if something happens to him or he goes missing.

Aziraphale also really isn't that special to Heaven, he's just another angel, and one who doesn't always do as he's told, which begs the question of why Metatron would make a whole trip to earth, just to give him Gabriel's job. It could go to pretty much anyone honestly. So when Metatron says 'The Job,' I'm certain he does not mean taking over Gabriel's position. He means the job of getting demon Crowley back in order and control, so he stops causing problems for Heaven. Because wherever there's a problem, Crowley is at the centre of it.

Finally. Aziraphale's insane smile in the elevator.

DO YOU SEE HOW CREEPY THAT IS?? It's so off putting, and given he's just effectively broken up with Crowley you wouldn't expect him to be too cheerful. That is the least genuine smile I have ever seen, like it does not even look like Aziraphale anymore. At first I thought it was just him trying to make himself feel okay about everything, and it technically could be, but I'm not convinced of that. There's obviously the theory that Metatron put something in Aziraphale's coffee, but I just don't buy that (no hate to the theory ofc, definitely still a possibility). It's so simple, so human, and this brings me to my point about Metatron having influence over objects, particularly magical ones, and potentially entities as well. I think it is far more likely that Metatron is either brainwashing Aziraphale or simply has an element of control over him, but isn't entirely controlling him. Could be persuasive power, which he uses to influence Aziraphale, but technically if Az fought really hard he could fight him off. My mind influence theory is supported on multiple occassions, where Aziraphale seems to want to change his mind, or act a certain way, and then suddenly snaps back to acting like everything is okay. Examples of that are:

- Aziraphale straight up says he doesnt want to go to Heaven. He tries to play it off as a bit of a joke but he looked pretty damn serious when he says it. He looks so doubtful, but between then and speaking to Crowley, his attitude does a complete 180 flip

- "Well obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys." Aziraphale would NEVER say that if his mind was completely his own. He has spent almost their entire existence saying that Crowley is nice and good and kind. He doesn't think for a moment that Crowley is grouped in with Hell anymore, but that's certainly what the Metatron would think

- Metatron walks in right after Crowley leaves and isn't at all surprised by the fact that Crowley refused, more evidence that it was what he'd hoped and planned for. "Ah well always did want to go his own way. Always asking damn fool questions too." Which is a tiny bit of further background into fallen angel Crowley.

- When Aziraphale is heavily considering changing his mind, Metatron keeps talking as though Aziraphale is saying different words. "It should be in safe hands." "Anything you need to take with you?" He's suddenly really pushing Aziraphale, even though he said there was no need to answer right away.

And that is all I have for you!! If anyone has anything to add I would LOVE to hear, this is my theory, definitely not the only possibility but I do think it's a candidate. Please let me know if there's any major points I've missed, I'm sure there probably is 🤍

@a-hearts-a-heavy-burden let me know what you think!!

#good omens #crowley and aziraphale #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #neil gaiman #good omens meta #good omens theory #metatron #i hate the metatron

[inaconstantstateofchange]

Inquiring minds want to see your take...8 INT Tav meets Haarlep in the Boudoir.

asjdaksjdasd oh my god okay, well obviously taking massive inspiration from your og: 8 INT Tav

this got... impossibly long. don't blame me, blame the two competing peacocks.

Raphael rematerializes within the familiar walls of his bedroom, still pinching the bridge of his nose. He normally prefers to arrive at the front hall, to allow his servants to see and feel his presence in their midst, but today… He’ll grant himself an allowance, just this once. A familiar rustle of wings unfurling has him spinning around, looking for the slightest opening to lash out and satisfy even some portion of his wounded pride. He is not kept waiting long. 

Haarlep’s mockingly dulcet voice lilts out of the shadows across the room, eyes alight with glee. “How was the visit with your dear paramour, Unseelie lord?” 

Raphael raises a clawed fist in their direction, discordant notes like distant screams gathering at the tips. Haarlep leans forward with anticipation, the byplay between them familiar if not yet entirely banal. Just before he releases it, tips them over the edge into simple violence that might ease but not soothe the indignity he has suffered today – and every day since meeting that impertinent, irritating girl – a thought strikes him. He grins, slow and toothy.

Haarlep is far too accomplished a fiend to do anything so obvious as blanch, but they do blink twice in rapid succession, a clear sign of their startlement from one who knows them as well as he. It is not often that he misses a step in their masquerade. 

Letting the accrued magic dissipate entirely, Raphael raises his hands to his mouth in an expression of carefree thought, a fine and cutting edge to it that he knows the other feels. 

“Why, how delightfully cordial of you to ask after her, Haarlep. In fact, she has been doing the same, nigh incessantly!” He watches the other’s face with barely-hidden glee, tracking every visible micro-expression. 

Another blink. Confusion. Haarlep doesn’t see the game yet. And, after all, how could they? That girl is absolutely incalculable. Raphael soothes his vexation with the thought that, at least this time, he can make someone else play the victim to her unique form of nescience. 

A brief mantling of the wings. They have determined their gambit then. With a sultry movement of their arm, Haarlep gestures to themself. “But of course! Who could possibly resist such a delicacy in truth? I am glad to hear the little darling has come to her senses and reconsidered.”

Raphael lets them preen, their eyes still watchful behind their long lashes, a moment longer, then claps his hands sharply. 

“That’s settled then. I’ll be just a moment, and then the two of you can get reacquainted.” He lets some portion of his own power rise around him for just a moment. No need to put too fine a point on it. “And, Haarlep? I do expect you to give a more proper welcome to guests of the House in future.”

Haarlep looks away for that moment, a pretense at nonchalance, but Raphael trusts his message has been received. He discorporates himself with a moment’s thought, feeling a malefic cheer rising as he considers the treat in store for him. 

Haarlep remains where they stand, loath to cede more ground and mistrustful of this turn of their little brat’s whims. They cast back to their first, brief meeting with the subject of his – unwitting and unwilling – current attentions, but nothing materializes that could explain the specific turn of his disposition. She had been too insipid to intrigue, yet somehow survived her visit unscathed where countless others had not. 

Their thoughts are suspended by the familiar metaphysical crackle that heralds the rematerialization of Raphael’s preferred method of conveyance. This time, he does not arrive alone. Held stiff and distrustful within the loose circle of his arms is… her. The moment she sets her eyes on Haarlep, they go limpid and soft.

Raphael speaks, face inscrutable but voice tremulous with his mirth, “See, dear one, I told you I’d had a… crisis of conscience. You’ve worn me down with your keen moral arguments, and I’m prepared to… see sense, and let you speak to Haarlep again.”

Haarlep blinks, genuinely caught off guard for one of the first times in recent memory. What… is going on. 

The girl steps forward, turning back to give Raphael a solemn, approving look, before approaching Haarlep tentatively. It is, however, not with the understandable caution they are accustomed to from mortals, but rather underpinned by something saccharine and soppy. Their well-honed survival instincts prick at them as she opens her mouth, warning them without even a bare moment to flee that whatever comes out of it will be harrowing indeed. 

“I know, Haarlep. I know what you are.” She reached out toward them with  supplicant hands. “You aren’t stuck here. You can be free.”

Haarlep blinks once, then again. “... What.”

She elaborates, but does not in any way elucidate. “I’ve seen this before, you know. It’s not hopeless. Whatever these fey have told you, your nature does not make you one of them. You belong on the Material Plane, with others like you.”

Behind her, Raphael’s face begins to crack into a grin worthy of a true fiend. Haarlep’s distrust is growing exponentially with each passing moment. They paste on a smile and lean forward, “Others… like me. And just what would those others be, little interloper?” 

“Oh, Haarlep…” To his stark disgust, a single tear drips from one eye. Gleeful micro-vibrations emanate from Raphael, propagating a shimmering haze around him. 

She continues on, after a brief pause in which she stares at him mournfully, “A changeling, of course. I’m so sorry you’ve fallen prey to their lies, that you had to find out this way.” 

She clenches her fist, a mawkish determination filling her entire body. “I’ll find a way to free you. I promise.”

[Haarlep.exe has stopped responding.] 

On the resounding heels of the vacuum left by her pronouncement, Raphael vibrates himself into the wall of the next room over. His cackling still reaches them unimpeded.

#sky-kiss #prompt fill #my writing #my fic #i can't believe i wrote 1k of these buffoons and 8 INT TAV #what is the world coming to #i hope you enjoy your legacy sky #voidling speaks #not vflu compliant #bg3 raphael #bg3 fanfiction #haarlep #tav #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #raphael x tav #raphael x haarlep #raphael/tav #asked and answered

[thesherrinfordfacility]

so just as any besties do, @teddybearbutchh and i were talking about the whole 'shax wears a cobra belt' thing, and we might have just dreamt up The Most heartstopping thing to date... but couple of key notes first:

i know people have remarked that shax most obviously wears the belt in the modern scenes, indicating some kind of power play that she pinched it from crowley's flat. issue is - im fairly sure that she wears it in 1941 (you can see a glimpse of it at the end when she's present in the audience between furfur and dagon), which would suggest it leans more towards herons-eat-snakes symbolic explanation. taking one step further, im regarding this as some kind of foreshadowing that there will be some kind of direct conflict between her and crowley

shax is either a social climber, or has incredible amounts of career ambition - probably a bit of both, but im leaning towards the latter. im still also of the mind that the reason she has the ear of the council is because she's an informant (and a good one at that) and her MO is to recruit others to do the dirty work for her... so when she tells furfur that she'll pay him back if he ever gives her information that she can use, it stands to reason that she'd be pretty miffed re: furfur seemingly going maverick to catch aziraphale and crowley in the act. i feel like her smirk at the end of the ep, plus how cold furfur is towards her in ep5, would support this somewhat

^but shax is still armed with the knowledge that there's something between aziraphale and crowley (furfur might not have hard proof anymore but he obviously wasn't lying, not when you consider his confidence from shax's perspective), and to catch them would be tantamount to a promotion

chekhov's gun #1: the derringer

chekhov's gun #2: zombies still roaming around london, with one of them presumably still having access to the bookshop if aziraphale invited her in when she posed as an MI operative

chekhov's gun #3: constant mentions in both 1941 flashbacks of 'the paperwork'

shax makes a point in the bentley to separate out the statement that there were rumours that aziraphale and crowley were "an item", which arguably is a good hop, skip and a jump away from "consorting and collaborating" as furfur termed it

a bit about the holy water: crowley first asks for it in 1862, after an indeterminate number of times/length of time in hell, probably under some kind of torture. he and aziraphale then presumably don't speak until 1941, but he remarks again how easy it would be to get holy water from the church, "it doesn't even have guards!". then it's in 1967 that he plans the heist to rob a church. now believe me, i love the explanation that crowley was simply inspired by good, ol' 007 to make getting the water as dramatic as possible, but. if he was that desperate for it, why not just... tempt someone, or even just ask someone for a bottle of it? from a church? i can't imagine that he'd purposefully wait 26 years for something that he felt was literally life-or-death (so to speak), and then only be reminded of it when JB came out? so, what was keeping him for a quarter of a century?

herein lies the batshit part 3 spec of 1941. shax takes advantage of the situation, to get ahead on the greasy pole; goes up to earth, finds the zombies, recruits them one last time to get into the bookshop - possibly to get ahold of the photograph and take the credit for furfur's scheme. 'lo and behold, aziraphale and crowley are low-key about to jump each other (waving the tired and battered 1941 truther flag), which is just plain excellent for shax - and would fuel the 'rumours' that they were an 'item'. but zombies give themselves away before anything juicy really happens (boo), and some kind of fight ensues.

derringer gets pulled out of the mystery book (bonus points if it's a bible, or something like sense and sensibility), crowley gets shot, probably trying to protect aziraphale, gets discorporated. he's summarily trapped in hell, sorting through the fucking paperwork, until sometime in the 1960s. reinvigorates his scheme to get his hands on holy water, aziraphale hears about it, and gives it to him (now having been confronted with The Direct Consequences hell will have for crowley if anything like this ever happens again), and wards him off from getting too close to aziraphale, because of the danger it poses. "you go too fast for me".

#AAAAAAAAND POST #good omens #1941 spec #s3 narrative spec #robyn is a genius she came up with most of this but delegated me to writing the post💕

[avocado-writing]

Request if I may:

Aziraphale is getting excited about getting his hands on a rare original copy of a book, but for the first time ever, your angel is being oh so very secretive about what it is.

Aziraphale is busy when the delivery arrives and being curious you open the packaging.

Your angel has gotten a copy of the karma sutra. Well, you need to try it out to make sure it's an authentic copy of the book.

notes: nothing too graphic in this one but still…

rating: M

pairing: aziraphale x reader

Aziraphale has a secret. 

This much you know. He’s trying to hide something and it’s not fooling you for a second: the constant pacing in front of the windows, peeking out of the shop’s front door. You’ve asked him what’s got him so antsy but he swears up and down he’s fine. 

You know better. He’s about as subtle as a brick to the face when he’s trying to keep something under wraps. So you watch him from behind your novel, keeping him under your surveillance without his knowledge. 

Ahh, he is so easy to find out. 

You see the way his eyes widen when he spots the postman coming towards the shop, the quick exchange of a parcel for a signature. The way he tried to hurriedly hide it in his storeroom - the old one with the wonky latch which never shuts properly. Honestly, you’d be a fool not to look. So, when he’s busying himself making a cup of tea for five minutes, you take the chance. 

The packaging has been ripped open — most unlike your angel, he’s usually careful when unboxing his mail. He likely wanted to confirm the contents and then squirrel it away; as you peel back some of the cardboard you see why. 

Oh. Oh. 

It’s old. Far too old to be delivered by such usual means of postage you’re sure; but it seems to have been secured quite thoroughly. You know the Karma Sutra is widely read but you don’t think you’ve ever seen a copy in real life. But here it is. In your hands. 

Hmm, you can see why Aziraphale was hiding it.  

“Where are you, my dear? I have your cup of —oh.”

Aziraphale catches you. Of course he does. Damn that storeroom door, always swinging open. You’re caught red-handed, book in your grasp and eyes wide. His eyes go wider and his cheeks a bright pink. 

“Oh, erm, right. It’s not mine! Well it is, I was just… I was ordering it for a customer, and I…”

“Aziraphale,” you say, trying to hide your smirk, “you’ve never ordered anything for a customer in your life.”

“I… well… no. I suppose not,” he confesses, dropping his gaze to the floor. He begins to fiddle with the bottom of his waistcoat, a sure sign of his nervousness. You tread over towards him carefully, holding the book so gingerly someone might mistake it for an explosive. 

“Aziraphale, it’s alright. There’s nothing wrong with having it, you know. I suppose I’m just a little surprised. Did you want to… study?”

He clears his throat and nods, still unable to meet your eyes. 

“Yes. A little. It’s the book for it, you know.”

“Well that’s true. I just don’t quite understand why.”

When his cheeks go even pinker, and he looks like he’d rather discorporate than continue standing in front of you for a moment longer, you realise. 

“Oh my god, it’s for me, isn’t it? It’s because of me,” you blurt out, totally unable to keep the idea inside. Of course it is; you’re so obtuse. You’ve been seeing Aziraphale for a couple of months with nothing more than a couple of hot and heavy kisses to show for it - which you were fine with! Being an angel, you weren’t sure he was a sexual being at all. But now to find out he’s not just interested in it but he’s actually doing research to make sure it’s good… 

Oh. It’s delicious. It’s all so delicious. 

Seeing as he appears to be rooted to the spot you finally close the gap and press a kiss to his lips. He seems surprised by it but welcome, gently pressing himself against you as you take him in your arms. 

“You know, I’d be more than willing to be your study partner. Right now if you want…”

In answer to that the shop is closed immediately and the two of you retire to the bedroom. Learning to fuck from a book is perfect for your angel and, by god, is he a thorough student. 

taglist: @angiestopit@dazed-soul @@foolishprincipalitee@smile-eywa@staygoldsquatchling02@underratedboogeyman@cool-ontherun-world@emilynissangtr@cool-iguana@this--is--music @ilyatan @lxsm2@clarina04@wtfhasmy-lifecometo@mrgatotortuga@wereallbrokenangels @night-affiliate @silcosmoke@kimqueenofhell@chewbrry @bajablast23 @h3k3t@am-i-obsessed---maybe@bakerstreethound@darktealrat @chaospossum

#aziraphale x reader #request #Good omens x reader #michael sheen x reader

[fogemorfem]

#good omens #crowley #aziraphale #I don't know how to tag this I hope at least one person finds it #polls #good omens polls #neil gaiman #I tried to make different parts of the text different sizes and stuff but apparently that doesn't work on mobile #so have this wall of text

[crowleysaziraphale2003]

Happy Easter Monday, everybody! Here's a fic I've literally just posted on AO3, based on the meme someone on here made or posted at least, about Aziraphale and Crowley kissing in the Bentley and Jesus driving lmao. CW for swearing. Enjoy! :)

PS-Happy belated Easter and Trans Day of Visibility! 🩵🩷🤍

Jesus, Take the Wheel

"I still don't see why we need to take him to the US," Aziraphale grumbled.

"Like I said," Crowley gritted out, his grip on the steering wheel firmer than ever, Queen's 'We Will Rock You' playing in the background, "nobody will think to look for him in New York. Even if they do, it's crowded there. He won't raise suspicion among a lot of Americans, either."

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow at him. "And why is that, dear?"

"Because a lot of them think he's white, for some reason."

"Fair point. But what if we get him lost?"

"We won't."

"But we could!" Aziraphale insisted.

"How?"

"We lost the Antichrist, last time."

Crowley sighed. "That was different. 'Sides, I'm pretty sure that was you and not me who did that."

Aziraphale turned a shade of crimson. "We were both responsible for that particular mishap," he pointed out as Crowley ran a red light. "Oh, do look out, Crowley! You could discorporate!"

"As if you'd care," Crowley growled, driving even faster.

Shock flitted across Aziraphale's face, which Crowley just about noticed from the corner of his eye. "Of course I do. I always care about you."

"Got a funny way of showing it," Crowley said. "Anyway. Gonna have to make the car fly to get him to America, which'll be difficult, but I think coming up to Scotland will confuse them enough to throw them off our scent for a while."

"Hmm," Aziraphale responded, fidgeting. "Look, are you terribly sure he wants to travel to New York?"

"I'm sure he'll love it," Crowley said, wearing a grim smile on his face.

"Guys? I'd rather you didn't talk about me as though I wasn't there," Jesus piped up from the backseat, where he had been waiting patiently for His turn to speak. "The people in my homeland are suffering right now, why can't I-"

"Shut up, Jesus!" They both shouted at the same time.

"I did ask to be called Joshua," he muttered. Neither of them appeared to hear him.

Crowley turned to Aziraphale while driving. "Too obvious," he said.

"Too obvious," Aziraphale repeated, nodding. "Not to mention dangerous. Speaking of which-do watch the road, Crowley."

Crowley turned back to the road. 'Good-Old Fashioned Lover Boy' began to play. "What did you mean, when you said you always care about me?"

"Well, I thought I'd made that much obvious," Aziraphale replied, a tad haughty.

"Not when you left me. For Heaven," Crowley said, his voice wobbling despite his feigned nonchalance.

"I was doing that for the Greater good!" Aziraphale protested.

"Kidnapping me is for the Greater Good?" Jesus asked.

"Yes, it is, Je-Joshua. See, I got it right," he said, turning around to smile at him. Jesus did not smile back. Aziraphale twisted back in his seat. Crowley was frowning.

"Great mangled pustulent bollocks to the Greater Blasted Good!"

Aziraphale's eyes widened. "Crowley, language! There really is no need-"

"Yeah, yeah. There was really no need to leave me, either, was there!" Crowley snapped.

Aziraphale had had enough of this foolishness, at this point. "I was doing it to protect you!" he shot back, not meaning to shout.

A pregnant silence filled the car for about half a minute. Jesus-or Joshua-knew better than to break it and get between whatever the hell was going on between the two of them.

"What do you mean, angel?" His voice was quiet.

Aziraphale sighed, rather heavily. The car stopped at a red light, for once, as Crowley couldn't be bothered to change it. Besides, this was more important.

"I didn't tell you this, because I didn't want to worry you. But if I didn't go with him, the Metatron said that extreme sanctions could still be taken against those who had been involved with Gabriel's disappearance."

"Extr-" Crowley fell silent for a second, gripping the wheel of the car a bit too hard. He glanced at Aziraphale for a second. God, was he beautiful. "He threatened your existence?"

"I wouldn't particularly care about that. Not me; he didn't want to get his hands dirty, apparently, by doing that to an angel. No, he threatened your existence, dear, and well, I simply couldn't have that. So I went along with him, even though it pained me to no end. I had to. Then he mentioned The Second Coming, and I realised that I had to protect the humans, too. So it was about them as well, I suppose. But still. I thought I could make a difference from the inside, and when I realised I couldn't do that in a corporate environment, I had to get...creative."

Much to Aziraphale's surprise, Crowley let out a chuckle. "So you kidnapped Jesus Christ, instead."

"Yes."

"And you only left to protect me, and to protect the humans?" he questioned, his voice faltering. The light finally turned green, and he went.

"Yes, I did," Aziraphale confirmed, fidgeting a little.

"What he says is true," Jesus added. "Although human too, I do have access to angel's memories, and what he says is recorded in his memories, and the memories of the Metatron. Who, by the way, is a-"

"I would have trusted you to tell the truth anyway, angel," Crowley whispered, ignoring Jesus.

With the hand he didn't have on the steering wheel, he removed his sunglasses and turned to gaze upon the angel, his angel, with such tenderness that Aziraphale found it almost unbearable.

"Oh, Crowley," Aziraphale replied, tearing up. "I'm so awfully sorry, about everything. You needn't forgive me, of course. I hardly deserve it."

"You know, you never apologised for literally kidnapping me-"

"Shut up, Jesus!" They both yelled, again.

"Noted."

Crowley took a deep breath. "Angel, I think I just have."

Aziraphale reached out and squeezed his hand. 'You're My Best Friend', by Queen had been playing for the past few minutes, and was just trailing off. Crowley squeezed his hand back.

"Oh, I do love you, Crowley," Aziraphale murmured, with a soft smile that was practically discorporating Crowley on the spot.

Right. Enough was enough, already, Crowley decided.

"Fuck. I love you too, you blessed idiot," Crowley responded, pulling Aziraphale in for a passionate kiss.

Although rather surprised at first, Aziraphale quickly and enthusiastically reciprocated it, savouring the divine feeling of Crowley's soft lips against his the way he hadn't been able to the last time they'd kissed. Crowley ran his hand through the his fluffy, light hair. Aziraphale's thumb was stroking his neck, before he moved his hands and arms down his back in order to embrace him properly. This was nothing like their desperate, angry first kiss. For both of them, was slow, tender, beautiful.

Miraculously, the Bentley hadn't crashed. Yet.

The radio, which had been silent for the past minute, began blaring 'Jesus, Take the Wheel'. Pulling a face at Aziraphale and Crowley's display of affection, Jesus quickly unbuckled his own seatbelt, reached forward and did as He was told.

This was going to be one hell of a journey.

#writers on tumblr #writing #aziraphale #aziraphale x crowley #crowley #good omens fandom #good omens #ineffable husbands #writing commissions #aziracrow #ineffable idiots #idiots in love #crowley x aziraphale #crowley loves aziraphale #aziraphale loves crowley #jesus christ #writers and poets #writer #writeblr #ao3 writer #writerscommunity #aziracrow kiss #good omens season 3 #the bentley #queen band