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taylormarieee · 1 month

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Co-Stars turned Lovers A Callum Turner love story

Chapter 1: "Welcome to the Beginning"

Pairing: Callum Turner x Fem!Bestfriend!Actress!Reader

Word Count: 2.k

Warnings: Kissing for like 2 secs, none really

You and Callum were the best of friends. Every Interview didn't feel the same without the other. You and him first starred together on Fantastic Beasts: Crimes Of Grindelwald and you bonded ever since.

You loved him so much and he loves you just the same. You were always spotted around LA together, always around in photos in Paris or New York to the point rumors went around that you guys were dating.

That wasn't the case at all. You were filming a new show and it took place in Paris and sometimes New York, so you constantly had to fly back and forth and you felt alone at times.

So you always invited Callum to which he happily obliged when he was free. You booked a hotel for however long you stayed in that place and always ordered a room with two beds.

One for you, and one for Callum. He was your favourite person in the whole world as you were his. He enjoyed your company and you felt as though you couldn't live without his company.

You had separation anxiety so you always felt sad when he wasn't around and would drive or fly as many hours as it took just to be with him. He was your Earth and you were his Moon. Without you he felt as though his world wouldn't spin anymore.

Without him you felt as though you had no purpose in life. Your sole purpose was to orbit around him, be around him as much as possible. You couldn't breathe without Callum.

But there were times where you had to just thug it out and do things on your own without him. He had a life too and you didn't want to seem like that annoying friend that seemed as though she didn't have a life and was just constantly around him.

There were times you will distance yourself from him if it meant you didn't seem or look annoying. But Callum of course, the sweet soul that he is never minded you clung to him 24/7. He enjoyed it actually, it made him feel appreciated and loved.

You gave him attention like crazy and he was a mama's boy. He loved feeling your validation and feeling as if he was wanted. He was drawn to you and you were drawn to him and this was the beginning of a love story you both never anticipated. The beginning of a story you both would soon realize was fate and destiny, the universe bringing you two together.

~ Welcome to the Beginning~

"Welcome to the late late show, I'm your host James Corden and I would like to welcome out our lovely guests."

Everyone in the crowd cheers and your giggling with Callum and Austin. You were so excited to be on the Late Late Show with THE James Corden. You loved James Corden.

"Gosh why am I so nervous!" You nervously giggle and look at Callum and Austin. "Maybe it's because you love James?" Austin says with a smirk on his face. It was more of a statement then a question.

"Y/n Y/l/n, Callum Turner, and Austin Butler!" He screams out and that's your cue for all three of you to walk out. You smile and wave at all the lovely people that have come out to see you guys.

Because your the first one out because the boys decided ladies first, Your the first to give James a hug. You laughed as he gave you a big loving hug. You sat down and waited for the boys to sit.

Austin sat closest to James and Callum sat on the opposite side next to you. So in shorter words, you sat in between the two.

"Welcome Welcome!" James says happily. "It's lovely to have you guys on the show." He says.

"Well were happy to be here!" You say with a dashing smile on your face.

"Alrighty let's get started shall we? Y/N! You are a beautiful amazing woman and an even more amazing actress! What was it like to first get into acting? Who were your role models and people you would have liked to tell that they inspired you to act?" He asks.

"oo that is a wonderful question. I found it quite easy and hard at the same time. I was a very dramatic kid, as my mother would say" You say with a chuckle, the audience chuckles as well.

"And it just made things easier. But at times I was very forgetful so it was hard to remember some of my lines, but being a kid actor who's just starting you realize that the adults working with you aren't going to be harsh because your a kid, you know? So that really helped because Adults have a big impact on kids cause your taller, seem more intimidating. But no yea, it was very easy. And my role model growing up I would have to say was either Leonardo Di Caprio or Will Smith. I really liked The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

Everyone claps at your answer and the queit down the moment James talks, "That's a wonderful answer. I love that! Now Callum and Austin, I heard you guys went to boot camp training for Masters of the Air. What was that like? Training to just be really hot and outlook people like me?" When James maks that comment you burst out laughing and the whole crowd laughs too.

James really had a way of making jokes and making people laugh. Austin and Callum laugh as well.

"That's what I've been saying James! There both incredibly attractive and I feel like that boot camp didn't give them any training except how to make other men feel bad!" You say through laughs.

James grabs your hand and laughs with you. "Right! At least I have someone to back me up and not call me insecure, Thank you!" He says.

You nod and smile at him before letting Austin and Callum answer. "Ugh well no it was a very fun time of training to outlook other men! No I'm kidding. It was very fun and felt so real, and when you really see the work we did on the big screen it's like, woah I didn't think it would come out that good. Cuz you know behind the scenes were goofing around and having little to know clue what's gonna happen next so yea it was a huge roller coaster." Austin explains.

You nod and give out a hum of approval and look at Callum, "Do you have anything to add on to that?" James asks.

"Nope, I mean I would have said it just like that. It was very fun and having y/n on set? Oh it was never a dull moment when it came to her. We all had a lot of fun." He says. You smile and look back at James.

"Alrighty, let's get to the juicy stuff!" James says smiling. You face fall and you mutter out an "Oh no." And the crowd starts laughing because you forgot that the mic's pick up everything.

"Why oh no y/n." Your face lights up with surprise and you cover your face in embarrassment.

"Because I know exactly what the juicy stuff is! So, to answer your question, no me and Callum are not dating Mr. Corden!" You say with a laugh at the end.

"Wow! Do a lot of Interviewers ask you that question?" He asks.

"yes, everyday!" You and Callum say at the same time. "I promise you were just really good friends who hang out alot because one of us has separation anxiety from their comfort person." Callum says motioning towards you.

You laugh and then hit his arm playfully. "I'm filming between Paris and New York so you'll spot me with Callum alot because sometimes I get lonely so of course I'm gonna bring my best friend!"

"Yea there was a few times she brought me but I guess paparazzi don't see us or they do and just don't ship me and her together." Austin defends.

"Ok ok, so well then that question is moved over, completely erased."

After that the interview, you, Callum and Austin decide to go out to eat. You chose the restaurant, you always did. You never wanted to because you were always indecisive but you eventually chose a place and you guys went to dine.

Sadly, Austin couldn't stay with you guys as his girlfriend called and needed him home for something urgent. Something about her cutting her hand. You both said your goodbyes and wished she was ok before sitting and ordering.

This was the night you realized your true feelings for Callum Turner...

This was the night you would never forget... The night it all happened and was brushed off as a mistake.

"Callum... today was so exhausting. I hate when people ship us, I mean I don't hate James, I'm just tired of getting asked that same question over and over again! Aren't you?" You ramble on about today's earlier events.

"I mean, if i'm being honest... I don't care. Me and you both know were best friends so why bother entertaining it." he says as he leans closer to you from across the table.

"Unless of course...You wanna deny the fact that you would ever date me? Do you not love me or something?" He teases with a smirk on his face.

That. That right there is what started it... What started your feelings and the electricity that shot down your spine.

"N-No that's... that's not what I'm saying or i-implying Callum!" You say nervously. You were never nervous around Callum.

"Mhmm yeah...sure." He says still leaning forward even closer to you know. 'Maybe he's intoxicated' you thought. He was never this straightforward with you or even this flirtatious with you.

You guys were drinking in the car but not heavily. His hand reaches your cheek and you giggle nervously. "C-Callum what are you doing?" You ask nervously.

"I'm feeling your face duh! What else would I possibly be doing..." He says. You notice he's not making eye contact with you but more so your lips. You lick them nervously and you see his eyebrow raise for a second.

He leans in just a little closer whispering a "God your so beautiful" before he kisses you. Your eyes are wide and you melt into it. He quickly breaks away and apologizes before you could even kiss him back.

"Oh my lord, I'm sorry... i don't know what came over me. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable that-that was a mistake." He says before rubbing his face with his hands.

"I-It's ok Callum. I'm not uncomfortable. Let's just eat ok?" You say with a sweet smile to hide the sadness in your face from him. He sweetly smiles back at you and you both indulge.

That night was a night you've never forgotten but what you were completely oblivious too was that that night was unforgettable to Callum too.

He thought about that night everyday he looked at you... everytime he touched you... everytime he sees lip gloss coat your full lips.

It plagued his mind like a virus corrupting a humans mind. He wanted you badly but he knew he couldn't have you. He couldn't ruin this relationship he had with you, this beautiful friendship, but goddamn were you addicting.

you and Callum were polar opposites yet destined to be together...If only you two could open your eyes and see what is right in front of you.

You and him were made for each other, you just needed to find each other. Like two lost souls searching for a purpose. Like the Earth and the Moon, they look platonic but one can't live without the other. Destined to fall in love either way.

Love, fate, and desire... Something you two need to give into in order to find yourselves.

Taglist: @dustbunniess @willyoubemycherryy and anyone else that wants to join!

#my man <3 #callum turner #Callum #callum turner x reader #callum turner imagine #callum turner fanfiction #callum turner major john bucky egan

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deblklesb · 6 months

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[I Want You So Bad — Ellie x Reader, Pt. 2]

[AFAB!reader, friends to lovers, fluff, MDNI]

Summary: Maybe there's something in your head that Ellie doesn't know.

a/n: so here's the part 2!!! i hope y'all enjoyed it! read part 1 here!

cw: fluff, mutual pining.

not proof read | reblogs are highly appreciated

The sunrays reaching for Ellie’s face while she helped pick up piles of hay, to organize it inside the barn, should be one of the most gorgeous things you’ve ever seen. The little tones on her skin changed as she moved, the blush spreading due to the time under the sunlight, some hair strands sticking on her forehead due to the sweat. You had to audibly sigh to take yourself out from that trance, obliging the part inside of your chest to let go and keep walking towards the Tipsy Bison. And as you did, it was like the air was taken away from your lungs.

For the past month you’ve been having those different thoughts about Ellie, your friend. Thoughts that you didn’t know if you should even say loudly, because it seemed wrong and unpalatable in some outsider way.

Sometimes you’d stare at her when she was at the bar, and then end up looking around to make sure no one caught the silent moment. Ellie herself didn’t seem to realize it, and it was a miracle, considering how much you were fixated on her.

You’ve never had many friends growing up, the chaos where you were born hasn't allowed you to do so. You knew some kids on the QZ, but none of them were that close despite being nice - your mom used to say that, no matter in what situation, kids still were able to try and make something with what was available, and that was probably what you and the others did for some time. Then you got older and the only school was FEDRA’s, and the competitive environment made everything worse for those who didn’t had stronger bonds like you.

You ran away soon after your parents died, looking for a place smugglers talked about here and there; a town called Jackson that even had electricity. It was hard enough, but you made it after a little more than a year. The first thing you thought about when you got your house in the new community was your parents, and how they'd like there.

Dina, Jesse and Ellie became your friends casually, and you truly didn’t expect to be so attached to them as you were. But the way the three welcomed you in their lives and made you feel less alone, it was priceless. Jesse’s mom even treated you like her relative, baked you some nice treats on your birthdays too. So those were some of the most precious people in the whole fucking world to you.

And for some reason, you thought they would disapprove of your current thoughts about Ellie.

How a weird tingle occupied the tip of your fingers when you reached to fix her hair strands, and the newfound flutter on your chest when you hugged her. It all felt so different and exciting, so much you couldn’t help but hold her for some more seconds or touch her hair all the time when she was around, even if there was nothing to fix. And you would feel warm when she smiled, like being under the sun on a spring day, laying on the grass to feel the wind on your face; it was comfortable like that.

Two weeks before, you made her a little paper bouquet when you were looking into Jackson’s small and common library and found a handicraft magazine. But then you felt like giving her in person would be so awkward, so you put it on her pouch for her to find it when she left in the morning.

Entering the Tipsy Bison, you greeted the people hanging out there and got on the other side of the counter. Seth was probably doing something in the pantry while you fixed yourself, or that’s what you thought for some minutes. But then a woman your age came out of there, dark skin and braids on her hair, a friendly smile when seeing you.

“I didn’t think you had a shift today. Am I supposed to be here?” You smiled back at Dana while asking.

“Yeah! Seth wasn’t feeling good today, so he asked some people to cover. Jhonatan just left”

It was no big deal, and you both handled the place just fine. As the day ended, more people started to come to take a drink or just hang out at the bar, and a shy part of you hoped Ellie would soon enter through the door - you usually hoped, but these last days it was a different hope.

“Can you get more peanuts in the pantry?" Dana was cleaning the counter and ready to serve another customer.

"Sure!"

The peanut pot wasn't heavy at this point, soon the new harvest would come to fill it again. Seth has had a peanut plantation in his backyard since he started running the bar, at least that's what he says. A good bar must have good beers and peanuts, it's his motivation behind it. Now, the beer was a little bit more complicated but gradually was arranged, despite a lot of people drinking small doses of hot beverages due to its surviving the time - or just because they themselves could make it and it could equally last longer.

Taking the pot outside and closing the door with your foot, you walked distant from the cups behind the counter until reaching the front counter again. And when your eyes caught the person standing there on the other side, you almost dropped the pot.

It wasn't totally sweet and warm, though. Cause there she was, skin a little more tanned and arms out of the tank top, freckles visible along her whole body. The hair was on a half-bun now and you could swear your knees were buckling. She was smiling at Dana and talking with her, and that's what got you weirdly off guard. The game from the last sleepover crossed your mind immediately.

She said it wasn't Dana. So you should trust her word on that.

But why the hell did you care? And why, for some God forsaken reason, your chest tightened and you wanted to disappear, a bitterness spreading on your throat? Why does your head start to whisper nonsense, like a white noise, just to fill the sudden silence of your coherent thoughts?

The white noise is soon replaced by the ambient noise all around you, at the bar, when Dina calls your name and you have to snap out of it. Your eyes reluctantly deviated from the pair talking, and your other friend was your main focus now.

"Hey…!" You smiled the best you could, approaching the counter to place the pot under it. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, I was just helping with the supply storage today. Tomorrow I'll go on a patrol", you nodded, trying to pay attention to her and somehow capture anything from the pair's conversation next to you both, at the same time - having no success at the second task. "How about you?"

"I'm fine! Doing great!" Dina didn't buy it, but decided to accept your fake demeanor for now. "What are you getting?"

"Just some beer, I guess. Ellie, do you know about Jesse?"

Your attention came back to Ellie, realizing Dana wasn't there anymore. Just Ellie and her pretty eyes, a simple shrug. When she looked at you, you smiled and tried not to give in too much. Tried to just be friendly as always.

"Didn't know you were trying to get tanned", you smirked, playfully pushing her shoulder.

"Well, y'know, the sun needs to have some benefits", she smiled back, acting nonchalant about your comment. "Besides, I heard it attracts the ladies"

"And who said that?!" Dina chuckled.

"Well… Joel. And Tommy"

"And you're taking their words?"

"They might have a point", you blurted out, regretting immediately. When they both stayed silent, you tried to convince yourself they didn't listen to it, but Ellie's confused look and Dina's expression told otherwise.

"What, Ellie's tan is attracting you?" Dina had to say it, right? She could've kept that thought, but obviously saying it was better. Sure.

"Maybe", you shrug, trying to get out of this better than you actually were.

But the look you gave Ellie, from head to toes, taking in the way a mark on her skin was visible under the shirt strap and the blush on her face, the slightly wet hair on her forehead and nape, the exposed flesh between the hem of her shirt and the pants; it probably gave in entirely.

And you didn't know how to act about it, about the fact that you just shamelessly stared at her in front of a third person that could probably understand everything better than you, just by looking from outside.

Before someone could comment on this shit, Dana called your name and Jesse passed through the front door. That was your cue, and you took it.

"What the fuck did just happened?" Dina whispered to Ellie as you walked away.

Ellie's knees were buckling, and Jesse didn't understand the situation when he approached them. Her face was burning, the obvious blush spreading to her ears and neck. Her mind was on a rampage, repeating that moment as the questions twisted and turned around it, like flying things around the eye of a hurricane. Your sweet voice filling her senses, your lingering stare, the initial smirk.

"What's up, guys", Jesse rested an elbow on the counter. "What we're doing?"

"I'm going home", Ellie stepped away and through the people between her and the door, leaving behind the place that carried too many of her secret thoughts, the scenario to the beautiful scenes of you simply working.

Her body was vibrating, like that one time she got an electric current accidentally.

Did you just say you were attracted to her? Did she hear it right? Was her mind creating a new reality at this point?

"What happened?" Jesse looked baffled between the door throughout Ellie just left and Dina.

"I think we're gonna have to give these two a little push" was her answer, seemingly impatient.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Later that night, laying on her bed with a CD player running next to her, Ellie kept going back to that moment. She wondered what you really meant.

The warm light of her lampshade casted shadows on the walls and ground, reaching as far as it could before giving in to the darkness of the rest of the room. Just enough of it in order to not leave the auburn haired woman lost in her own house. Although she knew exactly what was in the room, the current illumination gave in a sense of distance and isolation from the rest of the world. And it was good, because she felt less pressured about what and how to think.

As much as she tried, she couldn't stop listening to her own heartbeats stronger than ever, while her eyes runned around the place to catch something, anything, still unknown. The memory of your eyes taking in her image after working outside for hours, Ellie could let herself be pulled inside your mind happily.

Should she do something about this? The main reason why Ellie never made a move was your oblivious way, but now things might have changed. Well, you didn't seem to notice her feelings, but there was an uncommon behavior going on. Definitely a shift in the moment, starting by the way you were looking at her so attentively. Ellie almost let herself be taken away by your constantly gorgeous figure, but that shift stopped her. She was so used to admiring you from afar, to try and hardly piece together the details she couldn't really see, that it was overwhelming to have you approaching her on a middle ground.

But then, what would she do? What was the appropriate response to this?

She could go on and on about this thought forever, if it wasn't for a knock on her door. Fixing her baggy shorts and the sweater, she stumbles on the small table in the middle of the room before finally reaching the front, opening it.

You're standing there, messy hair and heavy breaths, looking like you were running for your life.

"What happened?" Ellie starts to get worried, genuinely thinking something might have happened that led you there in such a hurry.

Resting your hand on your knees, you show her a finger to ask for a moment. Gasping repeatedly, heart beating fast and hard against your chest. The auburn haired girl just looks at you, concerned and unsure, until you finally speak your mind.

"Do you like me?" You burst out, now supporting your weight on the wall next to the door.

You watch as Ellie's face metamorphoses itself into a bunch of expressions in a minute, finishing with her eyes wide and mouth slacked.

So many questions roam through her mind, not a single one being in the center for some time. Then, all she can think is how the fuck do you know.

"How… What… How-"

"Do you, Ellie?" you moisten your lips, searching for an answer before doing any other thing there.

You need something, anything to ease the anxiety creeping on your mind right now. Your hands are clammy and you just wanna… You want to touch her so bad. To pull her close and feel her body pressing yours. But you won't do it before her answer.

"Because, honestly… I've been a mess for the past month, and I can't get you out of my mind. And if you feel this too, if you feel something close to that, I really need you to tell me right now", the desire is to tell her all the thoughts and dreams, the imageries that put butterflies on your stomach, the feelings morphing in scenarios that, now, had a chance to not stay in the fantasy realm anymore. "Please, say something. Anything. I truly need you to-"

Her lips cut your speech, crashing into yours as she pulls you by your shirt. It's like all the air leaves your lungs as her hands hold your hips and you support yourself on her. Your fingers intertwined with her hair, her lips taste so good. Her scent fills your senses as the warmth of her body and clothes envelope you in the most amazing zone possible.

It's like flying. It feels so incredibly insane that your body suddenly just exists. You don't need to think when her lips are there, catching yours, fitting on yours, and her tongue tastes you as she pushes it inside your mouth.

The night could've run away, it wouldn't matter. The whole world could fall apart, and you would be there with her.

"How the fuck did you find out?" Ellie's voice comes in a whisper as she receives your pecks around her face, as soon as the kiss is broken.

"Honestly, I should've noticed sooner", you chuckle, holding her face between your hands. She looks so amazed and aerial. "But Dina and Jesse kinda helped me. After I literally said you're attractive in the bar"

"So it wasn't something in my head…!"

"No, sweetie" She smiles while you kiss her cheek and chin over and over.

"So… you find me attractive?" Ellie smirks, pushing her head back to better look at your face.

You can't hide the smile under her gaze, looking away just to nod and shrug. "Yeah, silly. I do"

"Oh my God, you're so into me…!" She teases you, pinching the sides of your body.

"And you're into me!" You push her shoulder as she rolls the green eyes.

"It's just a detail. Not like I've been crushing on you since you got here or something…"

"Since when?!"

"Oh shit…"

[dividers by @cafekitsune]

#ellie x reader #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams #ellie the last of us #tlou ellie #ellie the last of us 2 #ellie tlou2 #ellie tlou #tlou2 fanfic #tlou2 ellie #ellie williams tlou #ellie williams tlou2 #fluff #ellie x reader fluff #oneshot #ficwriting #deblklesb #ellie williams the last of us 2 #ellie williams the last of us

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day-drawn-blog · 6 months

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Part III: I meant to say, that I love you, or maybe, fear like a flame, what's happening to me.

- The Power.

Part III : Just tonight, maybe I'll rest in peace

Tags: angst, fluff, sadness, angst, fluff, then maybe eventually smut because I do love that

Part I. Crowned light moon of mine - I found you too soon

Part II : Lace your heart with mine Let your sleeping soul take flight

Part IV : There is much to do and I still want to live

Part V: our futures bound, our bodies known

Part VI : these ain't my sins, I broke my chains

Part VII: You are not mine and am I truly yours

Part VIII: your blood like wine, invites me in

Part IX: I'll welcome my sentence and give you my penance

Part X : I can't go yet...don't let me die

------------

Another day, another battle. You shut out Shadowheart's physical closeness and familiarity with Astarion out of your peripheral vision. Because you like her. And this wasn't her fault. You don't want to hate her. But something strange would happen every now and again. Walking along with everyone, during the day, you trying to keep your distance from the two, trailing behind a bit... Astarion would turn back and look at you a few times. Catching you off guard. He would smile if he caught you looking at him sometimes.

What is he playing at.

It's not like we are friends. Not like that....I help him... And we fight together. And then you almost slipped on a cliff trying to go down a cragged rock, he stayed behind a bit, and held his hand out for you. You had to hold it or you would have fallen on your face. Embarrassing. And awkward.

He was happy. Smiling.

Dealing a lot of damage. Energized. His happiness energized you too. You were glad. If being his friend meant such warmth, you would take it. Remember what you want to be. You want to serve and protect. Even those that are too proud to ask for it. Or too lost to hope.

That night at camp was a celebration. You cannot remember why. But a bard was singing. Everyone sat around the fire. Laughing, singing. Drinking. Halsin was throwing someone in the air. Laezel was lecturing Gale on the merits of working out your body as much as the mind.

Once again you were lonely in a crowd.

It's not that you were'nt surrounded by people you loved who loved you back. But, that you sat opposite him. Across the fire. Him next to shadowheart. You between wyll and karlach. Shadowheart was telling him something pouring wine for him. He was laughing at what she said, happy. What a smile. He should smile more. Though he might accidentally show his fangs. You didn't realize you were inadvertently staring at his face. He locked eyes with you. You jolted and looked away.

Dammit.

It's embarrassing as it is, you keep his secret and let him drink you. This ...this is crossing the line even for you. While you looked away from him, your face solemn, between two happy people, Astarion couldn't help but notice. He felt sad. For you. You had helped him so much. Yet you were so sad yourself. He felt powerless. He resolved to come talk to you when he could tear himself away.

You didn't want to linger.

You got up. Took your sword. A bottle. And sulked into the darkness. Away from the merriment. Guilty of leaving those having fun. But you needed to channel your energy. You swing your weapon at a tree a few times, then practiced some moves by yourself. The noise fades away. Your mind quietened. You stopped to catch your breath. To take in the view.

It was breathtaking.

As you were lost taking in the river gleaning in the moonlight in the valley down the cliff, you heard someone approach.

"I saw you leave. I got you some wine". Astarion's smiling face appeared from the shadows. He handed you the bottle. You gratefully accepted. "it's beautiful out here".

Yes it was.

"shall we? :) Everyone is happy back at camp. Come join them" he beckoned. As if he had sought you out just to escort you back. You obliged. Walking back, he expressed his gratitude, and asked if he could come visit you again. That familiar feeling of being used...

But you couldn't say no.

After the merriment of the night, you went back to your tent. Dreading the encounter. Your heart was beating so fast in anticipation of this secret rendezvous. Why did it feel so wrong, yet so exciting. Images of his eyes, his face close to you, bent on your hand, flashed across. The alcohol must be getting to you. You paced around the tent. Shortly after, you heard him approach.

Your heart almost stopped.

He stumbled in. Had he been drinking so much? Shadowheart did make him drink a lot, but still. He ran his fingers through his hair. Smiled his charming smile and came inside. "Are you ready, darling? I can't wait, I'm positively famished" he said reeking of alcohol.

Ugh. Whatever. He is not even in his senses.

What was I expecting. You went to him, half expecting having to support him, but he just plopped down on your pillows. On his back. He beckoned you to come near him. Clearly lacking any energy to sit up. So you sat next to him. Extending your left arm to him. He held it, then smelled your arm. Taking you in.

Weird. You thought.

He then playfully licked your hand, while looking at you. Entwined his fingers with yours, and kissed them again. You could sense your heat rising in you. Your heart pounding, feeling warm down there. What a tease. Just get on with it and be done.

He did something very unusual.

He continued to kiss the back of your hand, trailing up ever so slightly, then licked your hands up and then slowly down a bit back to your fingertips. He then turned your hand over and kissed your palm. He was on his back the whole time.

Does he think you are her?

What is he doing? You were getting flustered, humiliated...but you didn't want him to stop. You were greedy. Just when you were about to ask him, he bit you. The sharp pang was surprising this time. He wasn't being gentle, you let out a little moan, looking away, then dropping down next to him. You felt drained. The feelings were too much to handle.

Principles be damned.

You want to savor the moment. The man you yearn for, right next to you. Your shoulders touching. Lying on your back, next to each other, hearing each other's breath. His face so close to you, with your hand on his lips. His thighs next to yours. You want to touch him...

But can you?

You shouldn't. Must not. Maintain your dignity. You urged yourself. Please. You don't want to stoop so low. He let go... With another kiss on your hand, he licked the droplets, then turned to look at you. You could smell the alcohol again. His eyes were happy, he was smiling. He looked nothing like the deceptive manipulative rogue you think he is, at that time. Just someone, very happy, very safe, very content.

Isn't shadowheart waiting?

You wanted to ask. But it wasn't your place. So you let him be. He held your hand in his. Entwined your fingers. And he showed no signs of getting up. Much to your panic. Is he going to be here all night? He can't be planning to? You propped yourself up on your elbows. To get a look at his face. But he was already asleep!

This....son of a gun!! He was passed right out.

Part IV : There is much to do and I still want to live

#astarion x tav #astarion romance #astarion bg3 #astarion x reader #astarion fluff #vampire

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thearchercore · 3 months

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I came across these 2 thoughts which really interested me on the blog@tsarinablogs and I found her responses very interesting. (I always like his answers which are very relevant and interesting)

I would also like to know your opinion on this subject because I really like your way of perceiving and analyzing. (if that doesn't bother you of course, it's not at all an obligation)

after having an anon's thought, i realized something. (a personal impression) max is someone who is very easy to read, I have the impression that we know straight away what state of mind he is in, he is very open about his emotions, he is easy to read.

Charles, on the other hand, is very paradoxical. He has a very expressive face, you see everything on his face. But at the same time and despite this I find that he remains someone difficult to read. He is expressive but he still maintains a certain control over his emotions. I think sometimes it's hard to really say what he thinks. I don't know if I'm expressing my thoughts well, sorry 😂 I just find that Charles is much more complex than he seems. People like to call him nice, naive and handsome //

It's fascinating how similar and different Charles and Max are at the same time. In terms of racing, they are identical (even in the way they drive there are similarities). They talk about running as something vital, a need, as if the only time they feel comfortable and at peace is in a car. I have no doubt that it is a passion for all drivers but for them it seems like it is different. It seems like they need things to go well. They compare their car to a member of their body. Their way of talking about racing is different and I have the impression that what binds them is that they are the only ones who understand each other. They find themselves in this way of thinking, in this obsession and this vital need; there is an agreement.

another similarity is their humor and their perception of life; I have the impression that they are similar in this respect.

Their difference mainly lies in the way they act and interact with others. Max is very direct and more awkward, he has less self-confidence and needs some approval (like when he makes jokes). He is a very affectionate and spontaneous person. Charles is more socially comfortable and has more confidence. he has more control over his emotions than Max but at the same time he is a very open person.

thank you for mentioning @tsarinablogs! we're friends, and not to sound like i lack any critical thinking whatsover, but we do have a lot of joint opinions

THAT BEING SAID, what i find most interesting about them is how max generally never pretends, he's extremely straightforward and unless RB pr holds him at gunpoint, he will say what he thinks. charles, on the other hand, knows how to use the public opinion to his advantage and knows how to manipulate the narrative extremely well.

when you put these things together, you end up with what max and charles have going on - max who never cares about pretending to be anything he's not being interested in charles and charles, who's really great at keeping his PR persona up, tends to lose some of his cool around max and just becomes more of a private version of himself, let's say. so it's definitely fun to watch them interact vs other people on the grid just in terms of their persona preference of how they present themselves to the world.

when it comes to racing, i think they are extremely similar in both their mindset, approach, and driving styles. someone recently dug out an instance when drivers on track were complaining about their back in the cars and only him and max didn't mind “I am not here to be comfortable, I am here to drive a fast car” so it definitely helps to find someone who has similar mindset in the industry you work in, no matter what sort of industry it is.

finally, you can just tell both max and charles are there to race and win. it's their hyperfixation basically, and so them talking about racing probably fires up those little insane neurons in their brains and they can't physically shut up. i think we've all been here (when you find joint interest and realise the other person shares the same opinions AND you can nerd out together).

#lestappen

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calisources · 5 months

Text

TAYLOR JENKINS REID BOOK QUOTES. all sentences are taken from various of taylor jenkins reid's books. mentions of sex, marriage,cheating, divorce, soulmates and heartbreak. change names, locations and pronouns as you see fit.

"People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth."

"When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is 'you're safe with me'- that's intimacy."

"I had absolutely no interest in being somebody else's muse. I am not a muse. I am the somebody."

"Never let anyone make you feel ordinary."

“Men often think they deserve a sticker for treating women like people.”

“Don't ignore half of me so you can fit me into a box. Don't do that.”

“I’m under absolutely no obligation to make sense to you.”

“It’s always been fascinating to me how things can be simultaneously true and false, how people can be good and bad all in one, how someone can love you in a way that is beautifully selfless while serving themselves ruthlessly.”

“Sometimes reality comes crashing down on you. Other times reality simply waits, patiently, for you to run out of the energy it takes to deny it.”

“Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper.”

“I spent half my time loving her and the other half hiding how much I loved her.”

“I think you have to have faith in people before they earn it. Otherwise it's not faith, right?”

“When you're given an opportunity to change your life, be ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen. The world doesn't give things, you take things.”

“Passion is...it's fire. And fire is great, man. But we're made of water. Water is how we keep living. Water is what we need to survive.”

“If she knew how often I was thinking about her, she wouldn't feel lonely.”

And my heart breaks for every single version of me that didn't end up with you.”

“No matter who you choose to go down the road with, you're gonna get hurt. That's just the nature of caring about someone. No matter who you love, they will break your heart along the way.”

“When you think of me, I hope it ruins rock 'n' roll”

“No one is just a victim or a victor. Everyone is somewhere in between.

“People are messy, and love can be ugly. I’m inclined to always err on the side of compassion.”

“Confidence is being okay being bad, not being okay being good.”

“How were you supposed to change- in ways both big and small- when your family was always there to remind you of exactly the person you apparently signed an ironclad contract to be?”

“You're all sorts of things you don't even know yet.”

“We love broken, beautiful people. And it doesn't get much more obviously broken and more classically beautiful than Daisy Jones.”

“We live in a world where exceptional women have to sit around waiting for mediocre men.”

“Just because something isn’t meant to last a lifetime doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to be.”

“It hurts to care about someone more than they care about themselves.”

“Family is found...whether it be blood or circumstance or choice, what binds us does not matter. All that matters is that we are bound.”

“Nobody deserves anything,”

“It shouldn’t be wrong, to love you. How can it be wrong?”

“Isn’t it nice … once you’ve outgrown the ideas of what life should be and you just enjoy what it is.”

“Our family histories are simply stories. They are myths we create about the people who came before us, in order to make sense of ourselves.”

“I am absolutely positive that I need you more than I’ve ever needed another living soul,”

“If there are all different types of soul mates, then you are one of mine.”

“And taking pride in your beauty is a damning act.

“Must be nice. To be able to be weak. I wouldn’t know.”

Better just to stay in the now and focus on what you can do better in the future.”

“Forgiveness is different from absolution.”

“There’s no room for you in my life anymore. And I don’t owe it to you to make any space.”

“That's what you do when you want something. You don't look for reasons why it won't work. You look for reasons why it will.”

“It's the ones who never loved you enough that come to you when you can't sleep.

“Just because you can live without someone doesn’t mean you want to.”

“History is what you did, not what you almost did, not what you thought about doing. And I was proud of what I did”

“Alcoholism is a disease with many faces, and some of them look beautiful.”

I used to care when men called me difficult. I really did. Then I stopped. This way is better.”

“The truth often lies, unclaimed, in the middle.”

“I guess what I’m saying is it’s not all luck. It’s luck and being a son of a bitch.”

“But a good life is knowing people care about you, knowing you can take care of the people that count on you.”

“There was finally enough air within her for a fire to ignite.”

“Everything that made Daisy burn, made me burn. Everything I loved about the world, Daisy loved about the world. Everything I struggled with, Daisy struggled with. We were two halves. We were the same.”

“Love and pride don't mix.”

“I’m cynical and I’m bossy, and most people would consider me vaguely immoral.”

“When you find that rare person who really knows who you are and they still don't love you... I was burning.”

“Fate or not, our lives are still the results of our choices.”

“I have changed over time. That’s what people do.People aren’t stagnant. We evolve in reaction to our pleasures and our pains.”

“We are two people who are madly in love with our old selves. And that is not the same as being in love.”

“It’s a hard business, reconciling what the truth used to be with what the truth is now.”

But she was always the person I loved the most. She was always the person I would choose.

Water is how we keep living. Water is what we need to survive. My family was my water. I picked water. I'll pick water every time. And I wanted Daisy to find her water. Because I couldn't be it

“My heart hurts when you hurt because you are my heart.”

“You don’t need to find the perfect thing all the time. Just find one that works, and go with it.”

“You can only forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the past once you know you’ll never make them again.”

“I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect. I don't expect anything to be perfect. But things don't have to be perfect to be strong.

“We loved each other and we lost each other. And now, even though we still love each other, the pieces don’t fit like they used to.”

“What's that saying? Behind every gorgeous woman, there's a man sick of screwing her? Well, it works both ways. No one mentions that part.”

“The Chosen ones never know they are chosen. They think everyone gets a gold carpet rolled out for them.”

“Your whole world can be falling apart, she thought, but then Springsteen will start playing on the radio.”

“Drunk words are sober thoughts,”

“...if you redeem yourself, then believe in your own redemption.”

“I want to be with someone who lives for me. I want to be with someone who considers me the love of her life. I deserve that.”

“No one goes around throwing caution to the wind unless the wind is blowing their way.”

“You are happier to have known him than you are sad to have lost him.”

“Love is forgiveness and patience and faith and every once in a while, it’s a gut punch.”

“It seems as if you see me exactly as I wish to be seen. There is no greater gift than that.”

“I've seen a lot of marriages where everyone is faithful and no one is happy.”

#roleplay memes #sentence meme #( cali meme. )#rp memes #rp prompt #rp musings #roleplay prompt

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unrequitedloveletter · 6 months

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I think I might have fallen in love- realization fics! Fics with this prompt can be the realization of anything--a characters imminent death, the moment wherein someone realizes they've been betrayed, or they can be super fluffy and detail the moment a character realizes they're in love, the moment where they realize they can see a future with the reader--perhaps one that entails settling down or one that involves leaving the past behind--, the moment where they realize that they want to marry them! Anything goes with this prompt, and I'll write 1-5k words using it!

OKAY- what about nikolai x reader. and it's where he realizes he wants to marry her. maybe r thinks of a solution to some matter of state and he watches in awe how she handles the questions and gets the other's attention. and he's just like "yep. i'm gonna make her my bride" or something like that :)

Motion- N.L x fem! reader

okay, hi! This came out a bit later than I meant for it to--I decided a few weeks ago to plan out a duology to try to complete during NaNoWriMo and that took up a lot of my headspace, where trying to make sure my mental health was on track and I was breathing in something other than stale apartment air took up the rest of it. However, I am so sorry for how late this is coming out regardless!

On another note, my requests close next friday! They close at 11:30 pm AST (which is around 7:30 PST) and hopefully, what remains of my requests will be done by that point. Fall event requests are open until the second and my holiday event will come out sometime between the 24th of November and the 1st of December.

Fic type- fluff

Warnings- none

You and Nikolai were sitting in a meeting, debating with the Grisha triumvirate and several other relevant court members who sat in on Ravkas ever growing list of issues. You'd thrummed your way from matters of inter-palace discontent through matters of civilian discontent and you were up to matters of state.

Nikolai was getting bored watching everyone bicker, each of them trying to stop one another from getting a word in, but you looked as though you'd just gotten started. Nikolai could've sworn you were smirking slightly as you watched Zoya snap at a general, ready to throw a gust of wind at him--one so powerful that it knocked him through the meeting room wall--and barely managing to restrain herself. You looked as though, despite the fact that you weren't Grisha, you were ready to do the same thing.

Genya looked ready to tailor someone into a very ugly version of themself and David simply looked as though he wanted to go back to his work, like he was mad at the fact of his obligations as a member of the triumvirate for pulling him away from it.

"And before you start, Novikov," you started. Nikolai turned his attention to you, smile on his face. "Let me talk my way through this, yeah? You start talking and you might find yourself unable to fill your britches because you simply don't know enough. It's not a matter of the people--it's a matter of the funds we're able to allocate to the cities. If we can allocate enough to cities both big and small then we're setting ourselves up for an economic boom that starts at the big cities, moves to the small ones. It moves to the towns, and from the towns it moves back to us."

"How do you expect Ravka of all places to be able to do such a thing?" Novikov asks, bushy eyebrows furrowed at your suggestion.

"We can get tourists in," you said. "Ravka is broke--that is absolutely not a surprise to anyone in this room. However, to appeal to those who can only afford to take one vacation a year we advertise the cities. The ones with good-quality but still cheap hotels, honest working parents and saintstales as old as the country itself."

"And what of the rich folks?" David asked. "I mean--we can't advertise Ravka for tourism without aiming somewhere that will actually make a difference one trip on, can we?"

"Palace tours," you said. "The Grand Palace--we can make it a tourist spot Friday through Monday, twelve hours, with options for individual touring, group touring, or guided versions of the same. I'll be a bloody guide if I need to, but I know that there are people somewhere who are passionate about Ravkas history to be willing to volunteer their time."

'And how long is this going to take to pay off our debts?" Novikov asked. "I mean--nobody will go for it if it takes us longer than a decade."

"If it takes us longer than a decade, the youngest of us in the room have a chance at seeing it in the last year or two before we hit forty," Genya said. "Nikolai is twenty-four at the current, which means it would take sixteen years if it were to be such a strenuous plan."

"It's not," You said. "Tours of the palace will take two hours going at a slow pace if my walks of the Grand Palace are to have proved anything. If we get six volunteers, then that's one to cover every tour everyday. Ticket prices can be set at 20 coin for a general admission, 10 for children and fifteen for seniors. Max the group allowance at groups of ten and that ranges from 100-200 coin just off the gate. Take that and multiply it by six, and we have 600-1200 coin going back into the coffers of those to whom Ravka is indebted. It'll be volunteer based because the saints know we cannot afford to pay the guides but I would do a twelve hour workday just to prove that my idea is the right move."

"And what benefits could we offer in place of wages?"

"A hot meal when shifts are done, a room at the Little Palace and food by an irrefutable line of direction. We could also put them on palace staffing lists officially so they'd at least be making the minimum wage, but I think that such would constitute as fraudulent somewhere."

Nikolai was deep in thought when you brought up that last point, but with one squeeze from your hand he was back to reality.

"If they would be willing to take a room in the Little Palace for the duration of time during which tours take place, then it wouldn't violate any laws--they'd be working within the palaces, allowing their placement onto the palace staff."

"What is your estimate on how long it would take?" Novikov asked. "On how long the combination of marketing the cities and the palace tours would take to pay off our debts and refill the war treasury?"

Nikolai had been looking at you how he always did--like you were the love of his life. As he watched you answer what both of you had hoped tto be Novikovs last question, he came to a realization.

"A minimum of five years," you said. "And that is with the tours going all year round. If we could have the tours going daily it would probably still be the same such estimate--we're more than one million kruge in debt with Kerch, double that with Novyi Zem, Novikov. The process for clearing Ravka of it's debts is not something that will be instantaneous unless you're willing to sell your home and give the funds to the cause? According to reports I've seen, your home could have us reasonably jumped forward if you sell it for it's maximum monetary value?"

Nikolai could see it right in front of him--two years from then, a ceremony. Watching you walk down the isle, a coronation where you were crowned as queen. A life as your husband, a life with you as his wife.

He glanced at the ring finger on his left hand--it was looking awfully bare, but if you said yes when Nikolai proposed, which he decided he would do right then, it would not look bare for the rest of his life.

"All in favor?" Nikolai asks, giving your hand a squeeze as the thought solidifies itself fully in his mind.

I am going to make her my bride.

Everyone, including a rather embarrassed Novikov, said "I" and you grinned victoriously.

Your plan was barely in motion, but it was starting to gain traction still. As Nikolai pressed a kiss to your cheekbone and the two of you moved to leave the meeting room, the same could be said of his.

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix

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laurfilijames · 3 months

Text

All week I told myself that on Sunday, I was going to write all day.

I opened my laptop up for the first time in two weeks. I haven't written a word since I finished editing Expensive and tried for over an hour to work on my series Like My Dreams.

I thought about it all week and have been so eager to continue it, only the words won't come.

I know it's not for lack of passion or wanting to; I think about this story (and all the other ones) constantly.

I've been trying to deny some feelings for a while, or chalk it up to getting too much in my own head, but today it's come down heavier than ever and what is ultimately responsible for blocking my creativity and turning my love for my stories from thoughts into actual sentences.

I'm lonely.

I've never felt so alone.

The Charlie fandom seems to be relatively non existent, or just extremely quiet.

I have no space. No where I fit in.

I'm on the outskirts, trying to find a spot, constantly seeing if there is a way I can have a place for my ideas, stories, and even friendship, and have it hold some value to the others I'm around.

The more I post on here, the less I feel seen.

Engagement on this platform has reduced drastically across the board, and it's effecting so many artists.

It's not about numbers. I'm sure some of you are probably thinking "your last fic has over 100 notes". Yeah. It does. Almost all of those notes are likes, and more than half the reblogs are my own.

What I'm seeking is engagement. Conversation. A likeness and kinship started by a common interest that blooms into simple conversations and thoughts shared.

Comparison is a bitch. I see so many people living the Tumblr life I wish to have. Asks, comments, reblogs of teasers and moodboards for upcoming fics screaming of excitement and praise and how eager they are to read it. People dropping everything they're doing to read the latest chapter of their friend's new fic.

I realize the many reasons why I'm in a different position than they are, but lately it's been screaming at me louder than ever that I'm lacking something meaningful or whatever I'm doing on here isn't enough.

I've tried creating a buzz around my stories. I am aware that most of the time I write for unpopular characters with a smaller fan base, so I set the bar lower but am still left feeling inadequate even when I write for the popular ones. Whenever I've shared snippets of WIPs in hopes to gain some excitement from my readers, it falls short. Usually it'll inspire me to keep going, to write better than ever and make this next fic The Best One that makes me so happy and excited to get out. (For Charlie, I'll say, and write something I'm so unbelievably proud of) and then sometimes it makes me wonder if I should bother continuing at all.

I know I am not owed anything by anyone and no one is obligated to read or comment or anything of the sort, and I am beyond grateful for the comments and support I do receive, and the friendships I've made, old and new.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at here, I just needed to write it down and "talk" it out.

I've been battling the decision to continue writing but not share it. I don't want that to happen, because as much as I write these stories for myself, a lot of the fun of it comes from being able to share it with all of you.

Nothing dramatic is happening. I'm not leaving, and I will be writing again because I'm not at all done with what I have to say about these characters, I just felt this needed to be said and already feel a little lighter by sharing it.

Write your stories, comment on your favourite fics, scream with your mutuals about a photo or gif that inspired something in you, tell your writer friends and writers you've never spoken to but love their stories just how much you do... I promise it makes more of an impact than you know. 💗

#personal

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lunetual · 1 year

Photo

♡ HAPPY BEOMGYU DAY ♡ to txt’s resident multifaceted moodmaker, who never fails to lift his members’ spirits and always makes sure to care for them in all the ways they need, i am wishing a birthday full of love, laughter, and as much relaxation as can be managed as they prepare for tour!

quick cc note: first of all. a formal apology to my beomgyutuals and also to beomgyu himself that his bday zine still sits like 60% finished on my external hard drive. i’m so sorry like i HAVEN’T forgotten it’s just like. i don’t want it to suck. u know how it goes!!! anyway !!! moving on....

there’s of course so many sides to beomgyu and so many things that we could spend time talking about. i love that he likes to and often does present such a bright image, and i love the way that he naturally lights up a room, especially when he’s with people he loves and trusts. and i equally love his gentle and quiet nature, and the way all of this combined and juxtaposed comes together to make up a one-of-a-kind beomgyu!!! i love how empathetic he is and how clearly he cares about the people around him. i think at his core he is a caretaker in the way that he is always looking out for his members, and how he will make sure they’re doing okay before he even thinks to think about himself. along these lines i how unfailingly kind he is and how he’s the sort of person that naturally lifts others up without even seeming to consciously realize he’s doing so. people gravitate to him, and it’s no wonder!

i think another incredible strength of beomgyu’s is his ability to acknowledge when he’s struggling. i really admire the way that he’s able to be open about the natural ups and downs one can go through, and i think he makes more of a difference than he knows by sharing his lower moments with his fans even though he has no obligation to whatsoever. it’s so brave of him. he’s really brave, the way he lays his heart bare and the way he shoulders the weight of being seen as the moodmaker of the group, and the way he squares his shoulders and keeps moving forward through the good times and the bad.

and the thing that really leaps out to me about beomgyu? honestly, i think it’s the way he lives and breathes music. all the tubatus love music and love performing, but i think for beomgyu it’s literally his lifeblood. i think music to him is something as integral to living as air. you can tell how sometimes a song he loves is so personal to him it almost hurts. you can tell that even if he wasn’t an idol, even if he wasn’t doing something involving performing, music would still be central in his life somehow. there’s something unadulterated and pure about the way he loves it.

to beomgyu, who often looks after others before looking after himself! i hope you give yourself the same grace you give to those around you, and that you allow yourself time to rest even when the world seems more hectic than ever. i hope you always love music and the stage as much as you do now, and that it continues to bring you joy even as the years continue to pass. i hope this trip around the sun is fruitful for you, that there are more good, warm days than there are bad, that as many opportunities to do whatever you want fall right within your grasp, ripe for the taking. i will always believe in you and will always be cheering you on. i hope you spend today and this year and all of those to come smiling as often as possible. ♡

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 10 months

Note

aita for not talking to my sister?

we both currently live in the same house with our mother and youngest sister, who is in elementary. the sister i don't talk to is about two years younger than me. dont want to give exact ages but we are both early adults now. we haven't spoken in about six years, just small talk that is mostly just me giving her a message or asking if she wants something to eat.

now, i stopped talking to her because we got into a fight because i told her she could not hold my little sibling (at that time my mom was the only one working and i was the one caring for my three siblings, including the eldest who is disabled, and i was the only one who knew how to care for a baby.) and she told me basically to die. and a lot of her words were just stuff she was repeating from my mom who has like this weird thing against me since ive been young, never really knew why. she would yell at me in front of my siblings and still does sometimes, though not as much since shes older. anyway, i didnt speak to my sister for about two weeks because of that and also it was not the first time she spoke to me in such a hurtful way, until some family members noticed and scolded me for it being as i am her older sibling.

i didn't feel like what she said was right but eventually i realized i do love and care for her so i did try to make it up by walking her home from school and hugging her and buying her snacks from the gas station that was near our house at the time. but i guess my actions afected her and ever sense she had no interest in speaking with me, which my mother does still constantly blame me for.

i feel bad and i did try many times to fix things and even still currently although i know she doesnt care for me i do little things for her. but she doesnt want to talk and at this point i don't feel obligated to even want to keep trying to mend our relationship when she doesnt even care.

then recently things kind of went bad, which i won't go too much into detail about, but she ended up going to a mental hospital for a few days for running away and threatening to kill herself. and she made some comments about me to my mom saying that i didn't care about her and its my fault she did those things, which my mom agreed. then she came home after begging my mom to get her and pretended as if nothing happened. i soon found out from my eldest sib (who this sister is closer to) that she only did that in hopes that she could get somethign from my mom but idk what and why she even mentioned me because then some people came around asking me if i abused her or anything and why i didnt talk to her.

but it made me angry and hurt since i have been working to be a better sibling even in this awful household, ive been trying to treat my baby sibling better too so at least she knows she's loved and not alone. i am working and going to school while she (sibling i am not talking to) gets to sit at home. i get her gifts and she doesnt even thank me. i still love her even though she hates me so much, even though i know she was just manipulated by our mom to feel that way about me. and for her to say that after ive constantly tried to be there even when she didnt want me it just hurted.

now i am so tired and im preparing to leave the house because i cant do it anymore, although i would hate to leave my younger siblings with my mom. and i think i will give up trying to mend our relationship, because i thought she could change but its becoming to much and i cant be here. i know i should not have stopped speaking with her and i regret it, but i feel like my efforts over the years should be acknowledged too.

and i just need to know am i a bad person for feeling this way? should i even keep trying?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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k0komis · 1 year

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Reader who's an esteemed researcher in snezsnaya was helping dottore in the new project assigned by the tsaritsa.

The two have the same level of intelligence but so does their ego so they argue a lot, but this one particular day, it got so worse, both of them trying to prove themselves correct they ended up hate fucking on his office.

Not really a big fan of hate fucking so at the middle of it they realize they admire each other's intelligence and skill it's just that their ego is too big for them to admit it.

In the end they do actually like each other 🤭

❦ Tfw ego gets in your way ❦

A/N : Anon your genius! Sorry for the delay I had some practicals going on. Also since you mentioned them being on-par, I made them have quite the self control (i.e. no cockdrunk reader).

Warnings : MINORS BEGONE | Fem-Bodied Reader, Explicit sex, Rough sex, Blowjobs, Edging, Orgasm Denial, Anal and No lube because it's Dottore, There's no Dom/Sub, Y'all being mean to each other, Mentions of questionable research, Dialogue heavy, Swearing

What could possibly go wrong, you had asked yourself. Turns out everything. You had been working on a project that required the subject to be kept in very specific conditions. Well, they escaped due to the negligence of your assistants. Added to that was the arrogance if your research partner, Dottore.

You were renowned for being a hard working researcher, having many years of experience in the Fatui. But you always were in the shadow of your senior- and the harbinger- Il Dottore. It pissed you off in every way possible and you couldn't help but always be criticising his work.

And he returned your kindness. He'd mock you for not being upto his standards or not being able to be a harbinger yet.

And speaking of the man, you came face to face as you were striding down the hallways with a frown on his face. He was talking to a Pyroslinger, pointing a funny looking test tube in his hand. When Dottore noticed you, he dismissed the guy and kept the testtube back in his pocket.

"Ah, Doctor Y/N, successful with your experiment yet?" He asked.

You gave him the sweetest smile possible and replied, "They wanted to feel the snow of Snezhnaya I suppose, so my underlings let them out on a trip."

Dottore grinned, his shark teeth showing. Oh how you wished he bit his tongue off someday.

"Well, Doctor, I need your help. Care to join me?"

You didn't really enjoy him mockingly calling you Doctor. He came up with that joke ever since people started remarking how you had caught up to his genius.

But you obliged. You needed to get your mind off the mishap, otherwise your assistants might no longer see the next day. You couldn't really afford that, sometimes the Fatui was stingy with their research funds.

After reaching the lab, he closed the door behind you two. He had that strange practice, being used to people trying to escape his presence. You didn't care though. You could probably take him. ... In a fight, you've never tried the other one.

He showed you an automaton and remarked, "I've been trying to incorporate human consciousness into an inanimate being. Your speciality is Neurology, hence I need your help."

You toyed around with the mechanism, trying to understand how it functions. You immediately came up with some possible hypothesis , but refrained from telling him any.

"How much am I getting paid?" You asked

"Paid?" He laughed, "You should be honoured working with me."

"Then excuse me I'm leaving."

You were almost at the door, thinking yourself to be witty, when he retorted, "You are replaceable, Y/N, don't think so highly of yourself."

And something in you snapped.

You walked up to him, poking your face closer to his, "Watch your tongue, Doctor ."

"You're funny, what makes you think I should even try to respect you?"

You were getting furious. First of all, simply him existing annoyed you, and secondly, he was straight up insulting you. You grabbed a fistful of his shirt and snorted.

"What will make you respect me?"

Dottore 's smile made you shiver. It was calculated, he knew what he wanted to do and say. He grabbed your chin, lifting your head to meet his masked eyes.

"Beg me to respect you." He broke into maniacal laughter. "Maybe I'll tape it and display it to every Fatui. No matter how esteemed of a researcher you are, you would still succumb to ME!!"

There were ... Strange feelings inside you. The poison in his words were distant, you could only focus on his proud face. You noticed he was in a slightly compromised position, having been pushed against a table with your weight. And in that split second you took the decision.

You pulled him closer, shutting up his laughter by smashing your lips onto his. You felt hin stiffen, and you pulled away.

"Shut up." You murmured, wiping your mouth on the back of your hand. You saw his confidence falter, slowly registering what you had done. You saw him out the pieces together and he finally grinned, lips stretched ear to ear.

You were unsure what he was thinking, but his grasp on you got tighter, his hands now grabbing your hips.

"You're filthy." He said, before leaning into your ear and whispering, "Just how I like it."

"Don't get too ahead of yourself." Now you were improvising, having no idea where the impulse of kissing him came from. You fidgeted in his grasp for a moment, before concluding you had only wandered deeper into the spider's web.

You huffed when his hands started travelling up your spine, right up to your neck. He pressed into your throat, cutting of your air. You clenched your jaw, not willing to give into his shenanigans. In return, you grabbed a fistful of his hair, trying to pull it out of his scalp.

"Fuck." He moaned, "That's hot."

"You're messed up." You said, lightly amused.

He was stronger- which was proven when he overpowered you to slam you onto the table.

"What, do you say-" he pressed his body on top of you, notably his crotch on your ass- "we prove our worth to each other."

You rolled your eyes, quickly using his distraction as an advantage to flip your positions and pin him down.

"Why don't I show my talents in neurology to you huh? Gonna stimulate those nerve endings for you?" You chuckled, keeping eye contact as you unbuttoned his shirt.

Dottore made an 'oh' sound, and he allowed you to strip him. His own hands were tugging on your shirt, frown on his face because he couldn't figure out the workings of your dress. So he simply ripped it off.

His bare torso was laid out for you to ogle. His skin had a light shine from the sweat; clearly his body was feeling it despite the winter. You were top-naked too, though Dottore's hands provided some coverage. He groped your tits, a dark laugh leaving his lips.

"Whore."

"Then I suppose I should help with this." You palmed his crotch, feeling his dick strain against the fabric of his pants. A part of you wondered whether it was a living or mechanical being behind the skin but the rest of you was anticipating being dicked down.

"Please." He was almost begging. Pride bloomed in your heart, knowing that the Doctor was weak for you.

You got to work taking off his trousers, hurriedly freeing the poor organ. It sprung out and you almost comically flinched from it's size.

You looked up at his face, trying to understand what he was feeling. The mask was in your way. You tried to ask him about it, and he immediately replied,

"The mask stays on during sex."

You huffed and put your attention back to his dick. You stroked it gently, Dottore patiently waiting for you to give him his release. Quickly stealing a glance at him, you pressed your lips on it.

"FUCK." A moan tore out from the man's lips.

"Sensitive. Noted."

You gave little licks along the length, his fingers digging into your scalp. Your motions were teasing, trying to find every single spot that would stimulate him the most.

"Get to the main part you whore or I'll have to do it myself." Dottore said through gritted teeth.

You obliged, taking his full length into your mouth. Dottore gasped from the sensation, and couldn't help but admire how adorable you looked with his cock filling out your cheeks.

You bobbed your head up and down, feeling the veins harden with every contact. How long will he last, you wondered.

Within seconds his grip on your scalp had tightened, him now forcing your head up and down to set his own pace. You whined in protest, though being ignored by him. Your hands were resting on his thighs for support, and you thought it's be a funny idea to pinch him.

"Brat." He breathed out as he pulled out of your mouth to release his cum all over your chest. You sat there for a few seconds, registering what just happened.

"That was great, Y/N, but I approach my subjects more directly." He said, now lifting you up and slamming you back on the table. He got close to your ear and whispered, "I like them marked too."

Saying that he dug his teeth into your collarbone, with you screaming out his name. You felt warm blood trickle down your skin.

"Get it? I'm less kind. That's what makes me successful."

You own trousers were now off, your ass exposed to his administrations.

"I get it, Mr. Sadism, now will you fuck me or not?" You huffed out impatiently.

"So eager..." He sighed, smacking your ass hard. You yelped, grabbing the sides of the table for support.

You heard him spit on his dick, and you realised what was about to happen.

"Oh no, oh no, shouldn't have rushed you-"

And with that he plunged straight in. Your voice got stuck in your throat because your body was more concerned with trying to fit your walls around his length and size. He pulled out almost immediately, before plunging right back in.

He gave you no time to either complain or appreciate, he was set on a brutal pace probably meant to rearrange everything inside you. You were repeating something over and over, but your ears were ringing with so much pleasure that you could barely hear yourself.

And just like that it all stopped suddenly. You were feeling hot and stuffed, but Dottore had pulled out leaving you just at the tip of your release.

"I had said it once before. Beg me for it, y/n." He said, his voice oh-so-cocky.

You regretted not pulling the denial trick when you were sucking on his cock.

But this denial wasn't one sided. He was close to his release too and all he wanted was your sweet sweet voice to cry for him. Seeing you not respond to him, he thumbed your clit, drawing more moans out of you.

"Say. It. Whore."

You almost laughed. If you controlled yourself right now, you could cause him the most minor inconvenience in his life. But in the end, you couldn't.

"Dottore... make me cum, please."

He did. His thumb bullying your clit while he plunged right back to your depths pushed you over the edge. You came all over his fingers, and he leaned in to give you reassuring kissing on your spine. He too climaxed, hot seed spilling into your intestines.

The two of you were breathing heavily, and Dottore laid down beside you on the table.

"Do you think anyone heard us?"

You ignored him, your eyes fixed on his face. He filled you with so many feelings, hate, jealousy, annoyance, but somehow in the end you trusted him. You two have worked countless times together and everytime you recall those memories the first image that pops into your mind his his proud face examining his work.

Maybe... you liked him.

And he did too. Otherwise the Second Harbinger would have not spared a second thought at assassinating someone who annoyed him.

#genshin dottore #il dottore x reader #dottore x reader #dottore #il dottore #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #fatui x reader #harbingers x reader #nsft #💦 writings

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simply-hyacinth · 2 years

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Is it okay if I request? What about in that fluff continuation (the one with the readers birthday) the reader falls and hits their head and they start bleeding, and they are totally chill about it but L is like doing concussion checks and all of that stuff? (Im sorry if it's too detailed if it is do whatever you want)

It's short, and probably not exactly what you want, but I tried my best. Guys, if you ever request something from me and it's not exactly what you want, please please please feel free to just ask again and lmk if you want something else or something changed! I am so so open to everything.

You hadn’t realized what had happened until your shoulders were being shaken, head spinning and lights blurring in your vision.

“Say something, please.” A concerned voice reached your ears, worry laced throughout each word.

“Hmm?” You hummed, a ringing sound echoing throughout your head as the word began to come back into focus. “What happened…?”

L’s eyes, much more distressed than you remembered then being, stared into your own as his grip on your shoulders barely loosened. “What do you remember last?”

“Giving you cakes?” You murmured, blinking away the spots that danced in the corners of your sight.

A hand slid around to your back, pressing until you were sitting up straight. “You fell, and - “ He paused, his fingers gently trailing up your cheek. He pulled his fingers away and stared at them, blood staining his pale skin. “We need to get you to a hospital.”

“I think I’m fine,” You laughed shakily, feeling for the blood yourself. Your head didn’t hurt too much, save for the slight pounding on the right side and the disorientation that accompanied it. “This has happened before.”

“Do you know your name?”

You stared at him. “You cannot be asking me that right now.”

“You hit your head and you are bleeding, of course I’m checking to make sure you’re okay.” He responded, a little irritation mixing with the worry. “Do you know what day it is?”

“It’s my birthday.” You swatted at his hands that came up to inspect the bleeding again. “Honestly, I’m fine. We just need to go up to my apartment and get some bandages.”

“I believe you may require medical attention.” L moved his index finger in front of your eyes, watching closely as you followed it. “You said this has happened before?”

You let out another nervous laugh. “Yeah, yeah it’s okay. I’m a fairly clumsy person, and I normally manage to just walk it off. Here, help me up.” You reached out for him and he slid his arm underneath yours and around your back.

“I feel obligated to tell you that I don’t think your methods of recovery after such an injury are the safest.”

“Aw c’mon,” You teased lightly, leaning against him as he helped you up the stairs. “I’m laughing and everything! I’m fine.”

“Even hours after a fall, people may still be able to - “

With a swift movement of your hand, you shush him and close your eyes. You balanced against the wall and took a deep breath, trying to remain as un-worryingly stable as possible. “Alright, maybe I should sit down again.”

He pushed open the door to your loft and led you to your room. Carefully, his hands helped guide you to the bed to sit down. “I don’t want to say I told you so…”

“Then don’t.” You interjected curtly. You looked up at him, your vision still a little blurry. Patting the spot next to you, you tried to muster up a cheery tone. “Hey, sit down with me. Don’t look so worried.”

“I believe it is normal to be worried if one’s partner has a head injury - no matter how mild.” He sighed, still trying to examine you discreetly as if you couldn’t so obviously tell, even with your blurred sight.

You laid down on your side, resting your head atop his lap. “I trust that you’ll take care of me if I die within the next two hours.”

“Don’t be so morbid.”

“You’re one to talk,” You snickered. “But seriously, make sure I don’t die.”

“You make me worry about you sometimes.” He ran his fingers through your hair gently.

With a frown, you responded, “Again, you’re one to talk. I worry about you everyday and yet there’s nothing I can do about it.”

He said nothing in return, but you could tell that your tone may have been a tad too harsh. You knew the agreements of the relationship. You knew the terms. It wasn’t his fault that you had convinced him to do this with you.

You reached up to him, brushing his cheek and pushing his hair out of his face. “I’m sorry.”

“I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy! I am so happy with you.”

“You’re hurt.” He stated.

You scoffed and waved your hand lightly at him. “But I’m happy. And I am so incredibly happy that I’m spending my birthday with you, injured or not. Can you at least trust me on that?”

There was silence for a moment, and then a slight nod. He leaned down and kissed your forehead, a light smile now finally making an appearance on his face.

“Then happy birthday.”

#simplyhyacinth #deathnote #deathnote fanfiction #deathnote x reader #l lawliet #l x reader #lawliet x reader #fanfiction #l death note #l x you

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sonkitty · 3 months

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The Pocket Trick - Conclusion

This post was last updated 02/29/2024.

Scale

The Pocket Trick is a giant within the Earthly Objects game. It is huge. I cannot get over how big it is. I cannot get over how much it impacts so much else after I started to recognize how some of its mechanics worked. I am overwhelmed by the monstrosity of this thing.

Mixed Feelings

I cannot make promises about Season 3. I simply cannot. Having attempted to solve the puzzles within The Pocket Trick, I am left with the impression that this part of the game is supposed to be really important despite its astronomical level of difficulty.

That's part of why I've spent so much time trying to solve it.

It also leaves me feeling downright obligated to tell others—and I have, but I feel a little down about that too. I cannot promise people that Season 3 will tell them the game happened.

I just can't.

I feel that it should.

I feel there are hints that it will.

But it's not enough to make that promise. It just isn't.

The most I've been able to do is repeat my confidence in the Threshold Tricks. If Season 3 admits any of Earthly Objects happened, I think it would be the Threshold Tricks. You don't go around sticking half of them in the last half of the last episode so that you can just ignore them later. At least, you shouldn't.

On a happier note, I do like the insights found through not fully solving this thing. I like that I found The Door Catch. I like that I found Crowley trusts Muriel. Sure, I cannot promise those things either, but it's been a good experience to form the theories about them nonetheless.

Help

If you enjoyed these posts, or just found any value in them, and are wondering if I want any help in solving the puzzles, the answer is yes, absolutely. I would be grateful. Even if not grateful, I would be so glad if my own analysis was enough for someone to figure out what I could not. I found a lot, even if I can't quite piece it together for a proper fit.

As of my most recent batch of updates, I feel I have truly hit my limits.

The End.

I have a tendency to update my posts, FYI. While I feel I have hit my limits, I know sometimes realizations eventually sink in. I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I'll acknowledge it might.

...

The Pocket Trick: Basics

#crowley #good omens 2 #good omens s2 #good omens #david tennant #good omens season 2 #good omens analysis #good omens meta #good omens 2 thresholds #good omens 2 the pocket trick #good omens 2 multiplicative threshold tricks #good omens 2 threshold tricks #good omens earthly objects #good omens crowley #crowley good omens

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cityoftheangelllls · 4 months

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My Christmas Wish

Of course I will always love Christmas and always look forward to it, and I live for indulging myself with the nostalgia and gingerbread house making and spirit of giving and marathoning of classic Christmas movies, I feel that it's not as magical as it was when I was a child, and it's not just because of the trials and pains that come with getting older, but also because I realize that there are so many people out there who are less fortunate, and, for that reason, this time of year brings them a lot of pain.

There is not a day that goes by when I don't count my lucky stars and thank God for how fortunate I am. I live in a safe neighborhood and home with a loving family (even though they drive me nuts and we butt heads sometimes), I have a lot of friends, I have a good job, I enjoy indulging in my favorite hobbies and talents, and I find so much in the world that brings me joy and comfort and makes it worth it to keep on trucking when I'm not feeling my best. Oh, and I'm well on my way to getting my own place to live soon, or at least start looking for one.

And that makes it all the more painful when I think of people who don't have these things.

There are children and young adults living in dysfunctional or abusive homes, with people who don't love or care for them, feeling more neglected and worthless than ever each time this time of year comes around.

There are people living on the streets, completely alone, with no home, no family, no friends, no comfort, wondering when they're going to be able to eat next or if their death is coming soon.

There are people living in areas stricken by war and violence, fearing for their lives, unable to even celebrate due to their homes being destroyed and resources being cut off, wondering if this is going to be their last holiday season.

There are people struggling with disordered eating, hating themselves for eating even the smallest meal or the tiniest morsel of chocolate, especially as this time of year is focused on feasting and making yummy sweet treats.

There are people who are financially struggling or in dire poverty, living paycheck to paycheck, unable to do even the barest minimum for themselves or their families and friends, and it breaks their hearts that they are unable to give them something special this time of year.

There are groups of people who are not Christian or don't celebrate Christmas feeling ostracized and left out due to their different religions and traditions, and are likely to be even more targeted by hateful people during this time of year.

Finally, there are people who are just lonely, feeling alone at a time when no one should be alone.

These people should never be forgotten about during this time of year.

If I could make a single Christmas wish and have it come true in an instant, it would be that all this sadness and pain would stop. That everyone would feel safe, comfortable, and loved during the holidays, and that I wouldn't have to read about all the tragedy happening in the world, away from my small, sheltered, peaceful neighborhood.

Sadly, such tragedy has been the way of the world for ages, and it will continue so long as some humans out there are selfish and continue these painful cycles.

Needless to say, my heart is with everyone out there who feels alone and unloved during the holidays. You are NOT, I repeat, NOT obliged to feel happy and jovial during the holidays, nor are you obliged to celebrate them if you desire not to. Just know that you are NOT alone and there is at least one person out there who cares for you and wishes you all the best.

Whether you're religious or not, the holiday season is all about giving and being around your loved and cherished ones. And even though I consider myself lucky, I know there are plenty of people out there who are far less fortunate, and I want to give by extending my heart and my compassion to them.

#random thoughts from angie #christmas #holidays #december #important

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gabessquishytum · 10 months

Note

I am being haunted by a line in a fic and now I must make it everyone’s problem

Dream has occasionally participated in immortal scales of killing time like days-weeks long sessions of sex because they were bored. (W/ Titania and Calliope and maybe a few others too)

Then he gets with Hob and is almost surprised that the most he ever wants to go is a few hours? Slowly he realizes Hob has always done this sort of thing on a human time scale even when if he stumbled into another immortal partner

Dream getting him to clear his schedule and stock up on bottled water and showing him a good time.

Alternately could be Immortal Throuple especially if Calliope is jonesing for a good long session now that she’s getting comfortable with everything again after Fry&Maddoc and has to introduce the idea to Hob. Or pesters Dream until he introduces it to Hob on the grounds they know each other better/Hob’s usually just a tad more horny for him :P

EEE yes!!! Marathon sex!!!

Hob (who is a sex god, but still a very human sex god) considers a "long session" to be like, 3-5 hours. Honestly he's impressed with himself for going that long sometimes, what with joint aches and 600 year old genitals. Then he finds out that Dream pretty much considers what they're doing to be the equivalent of a quickie before work and he's like "oh :((("

So he clears his diary, buys some extra vitamins, and tells Dream to come over and rock his world.

And Hob has to admit, he gets his mind kind of blown. Of course he has his limits within the human body, but every few hours he slips off into a nap and ends up in the dreaming instead, where Dream can indulge in some of the positions that Hob isn't quite capable of holding in the waking world.

They fuck on nearly every surface in the house during the week, and of course Hob requires a lot of showering and bathing to get rid of the mess, and that becomes one of his favourite things. Usually fucking in a bathtub is kind of difficult but somehow Dream makes it the most relaxing, comfortable experience.

Hob also has to admit that leaning into his horny impulses feels really good. Whenever he feels like kissing Dream or giving him a blowjob he can just do it, he doesn't have to wait until later. And who doesn't want a naked Dream wandering around the flat in between rounds of mind-blowing sex?

By the end of the week Hob is very sleepy but he hasn't felt so good in decades, it's like his mental health has taken a huge boost from all the happy endorphins. When he gets back from his "holiday" his colleagues are all wondering where he's been and why he seems so chilled out... and then they see the collection of hickies running around the whole of his neck and everything makes a lot more sense.

As for Calliope, well. When he finally meets her ex husband's lovely new beau, she just has to get in on the action. She's had a terrible time of it over the last few decades and she just wants to be with people she can trust. She wants to be able to relearn how it feels to be loved and respected.

Hob is only too happy to oblige and book another week off work. At first he's a bit worried about keeping up with two supernatural beings, but they're very considerate and don't really want to do anything without him participating. Things are still difficult so they really need Hob go act as a buffer for them.

I just think that Calliope should be allowed to spend the week domming Hob into oblivion, tbh. Who wouldn't feel better after 7 days of having Hob Gadling totally at their mercy?

#the sandman #dreamling #immortal throuple #nsft

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these-are-the-first-steps · 3 months

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This is radically off-topic, but I wanted to share an observance that perhaps hasn't become reality for some of you yet, but maybe the forewarning will help you in the long run.

One of my favorite singers of all time died very suddenly virtually on stage this past october. He was quite young, considering, at 57, and there was no explanation for it other than Fate snappings its fingers to take him away (it was a sudden brain hemorrhage).

This man, at the heigh of his youth, was, I would argue, one of the most beautiful people to have ever graced this Earth. He was gorgeous. His eyes could stop an entire room in its tracks. While inside he seemed quite shy and retiring, he seemed to not help stepping into a space like he commanded it. When he left us, he was still beautiful- no question- but Time, of course, is obliged to do its damage and he was no exception. Truly, none of us are.

My father spent my childhood reminding me that growing older is a privilege not everybody gets, because the alternative to "not growing up" is being dead. Of course, he's right.

After we lost the singer I loved so much, I've spent a lot of time considering beauty, age, entropy, and death. I have thought about who might be next, and how hard it would hit me- would it be just as awful as losing *him*? Or could it be even worse somehow?

My singer's death was sudden, and getting the news straight from an old friend in Tokyo before I even got out of bed was simultaneously like being hit by a truck and having a comforting balm immediately applied. I wonder now if those who go like that, fade away suddenly in a couple of hours, gain the privilege of preemptively comforting others from the other side once the news gets out. This was my impression anyway.

But others we love from afar, be they other musicians or actors or who knows what, are less likely to exit this world so abruptly. My singer once walked this earth as a living, breathing work of art-made-flesh, and while he lived long enough to wilt just enough under time's heavy burden, we did not have to watch him truly grow old. We, as people far removed who loved him no matter the year, were spared that mental dissonance, but the price was his life.

And so I have spent moments revisiting others I have loved since I was in school. The time has not even been that terribly great, in the grand scheme of things, but I have realized that the effects are inescapable. Not just on them, but also for myself. I look into the latest and rare ungarded photo of another I have loved so dearly and see the same wilting- another who walked and looked like a god and whose beauty we relished and appreciated for the living art he is. And I see the signs. It's around his eyes. The uptick of his mouth. And then I look in the mirror at myself, and I see, despite being so much younger, the same early hints of the price of living start to feather and touch my own body.

God willing he will make it to a far advanced age, but the price is losing human art. He will fade, and all we will have are photographs. But at least we will have photographs!!! What do I have for myself? Very little, if I am honest. I think about this sometimes, and wonder if it's too late.

Obviously looks are not the sum of a person, of course they aren't, and **this is not a post arguing that they are**. But they are the calling card and outward identity by which we recognize and interact with and cling to each other. For good or ill. We all walk this planet as unique pieces of art, and we all have individuals whose artistry we particularly love the most. In essence, that is what this post is about- admiration- and coming to the stark realization that, unlike paintings hanging in a museum, the living works of art we love have an expiration date. For myself, I have come to realize that facing the cognative dissonance of the Change is a jarring experience. Especially when it comes to musicians, we tend to cling to them during our worst times, especially as teenagers. They become Fixed Points in our psyches, and to suddenly become confronted with same-but-not-the-same, and god forbid death.....is this what becoming An Adult(tm) means? Not just having to watch what we love fade before our eyes but to also realize, like being thrown into a pool of ice water, that we are next? And that Time and Entropy have already begun to tee us up for our quickly approaching turn?

And so, as we began to love each other from a distance, god willing we will now age into the abyss together from a distance. I have often wondered if the truly elderly are sometimes happy for their turn to go because it at least means they can be reunited, one way or another, with those they also saw as dazzling paragons at their height who have since faded and gone.

This post is not particularly happy and likely comes off as a bit dark, but this is all to say, with my whole chest--- enjoy the era and the times you find yourself in. Enjoy and cherish and go see with your own two eyes the artists and others you love, now, here, as they currently are, while they are, in your mind, perfect. Time does not stop nor tarry for any of us, so you should not either. Don't wait to be with and look with admiration on others- or be too embarrassed to, either, for that matter- because this moment is so short, and soon this time will have passed and will be just a fond memory that you may wonder one day, just as I have done lately, where the ones you loved have gone. And perhaps you will also, like me, scream and cry and curl your fist at the ruthlessness of a universe that forces all of us into the same room together just so we can watch each other grow old and eventually die.

I wrote a short story once, after my grandfather passed ten years ago, about how life was essentially one big waiting room, not dissimilar to a doctor's office. There are toys to play with, magazines to read, sights to see outside of the window, but eventually the nurse will come in, call your name, and you will exit. I suppose I would add to this motif now the advice to don't forget to look around yourself either. Speak to the person sitting next to you. Admire the child and grandmother alike playing on the other side of the room. Tell the cute guy watching them you think he's hot- you'll likely never encounter him again so why not? Or who knows- maybe it'll go somewhere. After all, we are all stuck in this waiting room together. It may seem initially dull, but don't waste this chance. Admire everything with your whole being. This moment will not come again.

#philosophy #thoughts #long post #i just had to mull this over somewhere and put it onto paper #cherish yourselves as you are now because it will not recur- I need you all to understand this and not squander it #because I have squandered- whether through fear or sorrow or worry or threat #it is hard to overcome these things and Truly Live but we must try

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