#sorry to get existential

[giratina-official]

what does the distortion world... look like? is there a lot to eat? do plants grow there? do other pokemon live there, and are they any different than non-distorted pokemon? can you send pictures from your phone?

Nothing to eat. It's just... me. my eternal punishment.

#it sucks #sorry to get existential #rotomblr #pokemon #pokeblogging #thanks for the ask btw

[chiheiko]

It's mental health crisis wednesday my dudes! ♥️ What is your brain's favourite way of torturing you?

I'll start with a lovely little existential exercise my brain likes to do on days like this~~

One day, a pop up appears in front of every person on planet earth. It says that you can choose one person to save. Those not chosen are erased from existence. You cannot choose yourself, and you have to make the choice now without negotiation or consulting anyone around you.

You probably know who you would choose, right? But that's not the question to focus on. The question is, do you survive?

My brain says no ♥️♥️

#mental health #anxiety #depression #spiralling #fun mental exercise tm #keeps ya humble #I am not okay #let it be known I am not fine #happy wednesday my dudes #sorry to get existential #I think I need sleep

[year2000electronics]

i think its interesting how none of the science team needed to introduce themselves to each other. do you think any of them ever tried to recall exactly how they met and come up short thanks to the video game starting only when gordon gets there

(also this exact tone is what i was thinking of)

#hlvrai #my art #dr coomer #I KEEP PUTTING HIM THROUGH EXISTENTIALISM. SORRY BUDDY.... #ill draw him getting a lollipop next or something i swear

[mokulule]

The Number You Have Called Cannot Be Reached 4

Part 1|Part 2|Part 3

Ship: Dead on Main (Danny/Jason) Warnings: angst/depression and canon typical violence

A sunbeam from the crack in the curtains hit his eyes and he turned over burying his face in his pillow. Belatedly Jason registered that it was at least afternoon because the windows faced west, but it didn’t really matter. He was much too warm, and comfortable to get up. He drifted - things were good. He dreamt of a low rumble in the distance, barely on the edge of his hearing, easing the tightness, turning him liquid.

It was another half hour before he awoke properly, registering his bedroom around him dimly lit by the single sunbeam. He yawned and stretched before getting up. He felt loose and relaxed and as he opened the dark curtains he was greeted by one of Gotham’s rare days of sunshine. A smile tugged on his lips and for a moment he stood there in the sun, letting the warmth soak into his skin. He wasn’t in any hurry.

Down in the street someone held the door open for another whose arms were full of groceries, smiles were exchanged and the person moved on. The sounds of kids playing on the nearby playground reached his ears when he opened the window to air out the room. Somewhere someone practiced the trombone and they weren’t half bad.

Peace settled in his bones, these were his people. Even Crime Alley shone from its good side.

Stretching again, he walked into the kitchen and started rooting around his fridge in search of ingredients for breakfast.

There was a thought nagging at the back of his mind as he cracked three eggs in a bowl, added a small dollop of sour creme and some salt. He paused, musing, something he’d forgotten… He hummed thoughtfully, trying to grasp at the thought, but it just didn’t seem that important and with a shrug he took out a pan turning it on medium heat. On the way to the fridge, he popped two pieces of toast in the toaster. Unlike whatever was nagging he knew he had forgotten the butter - a small piece went into the pan and he left the rest out so he could butter the toast. He rinsed a handful of small tomatoes he set them aside on a plate.

Something happened yesterday, he finally decided, as he walked back over to the open window and cut off a few stalks from the chives plant by the window sill. He paused there for a moment listening; a saxophone had joined the trombone and they were now playing sweet jazz with each other from across the road through open windows. A small crowd had gathered below to listen. Amused, Jason wondered if more musicians would be lured out.

Sizzling from the pan, drew him back to the kitchen.

He set aside the chives, quickly whisked the egg mixture together and poured it in the pan. Grabbing a spatula from the drawer he absently flipped it in his hand as he watched the eggs. Judging the pan had adjusted to the cold eggs he turned the heat on low and scraped across the pan in long smooth moves, freeing the already cooked eggs and allowing the still liquid mixture to sink to the pan.

The toast popped up from the toaster, and it was a matter of moments before he had them buttered and were stirring the eggs again. They had solidified now but were still glistening slightly when he transferred them on top of the bread. He quickly chopped the chives and sprinkled them on top.

Looking at his handiwork he nodded in satisfaction. Time to eat.



A glass of orange juice in one hand and plate and utensils in another he moved to the table. He cut off the first bite of egg on toast and close his eyes in pleasure: Crunchy toast, smooth eggs wiith a hint of salt and just a bit of sharpness from the chives.

It felt like ages since he’d just allowed himself to enjoy the moment like this. It wasn’t like he didn’t cook normally it was one of the things, along with reading, he still enjoyed despite everything. He was always just so busy, always so angry.

Like a click in a lock he suddenly realized what he was forgetting. The pits, the Ghost, the cave and Bruce asking him to stay. The thought was an ache in his chest and he set the fork down rubbing his forehead. He wanted… he wasn’t sure what he wanted. For the longest time he’d convinced himself he was agreeing to working with the bats because it was easier, they’d get less in his way like that. He’d told himself he barely tolerated them. Now, with the pits calmed or whatever they were, he found himself inexplicably fond:

DIck’s persistence even when Jason pushed him away, he always had so much hope, despite Jason giving him absolutely no reason to. Tim who he’d had so much misplaced anger towards, who was so smart, and yet so stupid. Damian, the absolute brat, who behind the arrogant facade cared so much about his family and friends, but was so afraid of rejection.

Bruce was… Bruce was complicated. The pits hadn’t invented his resentment, he had been so hurt to find out the Joker had gone free, that he’d been replaced, that he’d meant so little to Bruce - to his Dad. But without the pits to stoke the resentment, he was just left with this tired old ache. Lashing out had never helped him and he was just exhausted by the constant fighting. He wanted his dad. Not Batman, Bruce, the Dad who would drink his tea in the library while he was reading just to be in the same room with him. The embarrassing proud Dad who would brag about Jason’s grades in the same breath he would brag about Jason nearly stealing the tires of his car the first time they met.

He still had the hurt and the anger, but the longing far outweighed that. He rubbed at his moist eyes. The realization hurt, because he really didn’t know how long this effect lasted or if this realization would stick once the Pits were back - it was just too much to hope this was permanent.

Jason never had that kind of luck.

He needed to talk to the Ghost, but he never appeared so soon again after a theft. For a moment his thoughts dwelled on the device they’d recovered yesterday, some kind of calibrator, if he took it, maybe he could lure him out… but the thought was dismissed almost immediately, even if he took it, he’d have no way of informing the guy he had it.

They really knew next to nothing about the guy.

Jason sighed, and looked down at his now cold breakfast. He started eating again, starvation was something he would never forget and he was not about to waste food. Dwelling on his family, the pits and the ghost, wasn’t getting him anywhere.

It was distressingly easy to push the thoughts aside instead of obsessing with no angry whisper in his ear. Was this how normal people dealt with emotions? Without everything having to be a fight? As easy as deciding he’d dwell on it later when he could actually do something about it?

Helpless laughter bubbled up in his chest. This was so dangerous; it was way too easy to get used to.

next Masterpost for subscription

I feel I need to apologize for the lack of Danny again, but Jason kinda took over and had some more angst to deal with. I promise, next time we’ll get back to Danny’s misery!

#dp x dc #dead on main #MIssed Connections #Jason is catnip to Danny #so sorry we will get back to that part #Jason just needs to get over his existential crisis #realizing he just really misses his family #Yeah you're getting this on a scene by scene basis more or less #when I start posting on Ao3 the parts will be smushed into somewhat larger chapters #right now I'm just trying to focus on keeping up writing regularly

[comradekatara]

Ok we should talk more about sokka and aang because these two dumbasses are adorable together! Underrated relationship

The gag with Katara and blind Toph in season 3 is still the funniest scene in the series lol

yeah their friendship very cute. i like how when they're left to their own devices their respective adhd tendencies combine, that feels very true to my relationships with my friends who also have adhd lol. it's also just really adorable how through aang's sheer lovability, sokka learns to loosen up a little and appreciate life (somewhat, sometimes) in a more relaxed, content way. aang is a really good and highly valuable influence on everyone around him, especially as he counteracts the logic of war and its necessity for violence, which is an ideology sokka not only heavily subscribes to, but to which he attaches his very personhood. aang reminds sokka that he is still a child (he reminds katara of this too, but it happens in the literal pilot, whereas sokka's journey to literally enjoying himself ever is far more gradual and grueling). aang reminds sokka that he is human.

that said, i do think that people tend to be reductive when talking about the value of their relationship. not to single you out specifically, but i do kind of take umbrage with the notion (perhaps unintentional) that all their dynamic is good for is being adorable and funny. calling them "dumbasses" because they can be silly and goofy sometimes, or scatterbrained and absent-minded. i genuinely think that aang and sokka constitute one of the most interesting foils in the entire show. normally when we talk about character foils, we talk about characters who are positioned in opposition to each other, but aang and sokka are fascinating because they're allies (and friends) who nonetheless approach the same problem with the same intentions and the same goals but from completely different angles.

in many ways, sokka is aang's most distinct opposite. but first, to address their similarities: they're both victims of a genocidal imperialist project that has burdened them with a responsibility to their people that they are too young and barely equipped to handle; they are both expected to shoulder this burden easily by those around them due to their nature as "gifted" child prodigies with distinctly unique skillset and an unprecedented ability to absorb and apply new information that they learn at a genuinely abnormal rate (remember that aang is not just the avatar, but an incredibly prodigious avatar at that; he mastered all four elements within less than a year by the age of twelve, whereas most avatars take at least another four years to master their elements); they are both the "leaders" of their small guerrilla militia of child soldiers, and they take turns giving each other guidance and trusting and following the other's lead; they both consider katara the central figure in their lives and love her with an almost obsessive devotion; they both repress their grief and other unpalatable emotions through humor and constant distraction, and sometimes even depersonalize entirely when they feel that their goal is more important than retaining their humanity (sokka does this more frequently, but when aang does it, it's more blatant); and of course, they both harbor massive guilt complexes for the devastating tragedies (largely beyond their control) that have shaped their lives, and are constantly replaying those moments of "failure" as that of acute shame to motivate themselves as they strive to rectify and "atone" for their past errors.

so, as you can see, reducing their friendship to "adorable dumbasses" is already not very interesting. to me, the best aang and sokka scenes aren't the ones wherein they are playing and goofing around together. those scenes are sweet and charming, of course, but the best aang and sokka scenes are the ones wherein sokka is positioned as the logical consequence of aang's grief. wherein present-day sokka becomes the worst case scenario for a hypothetical future aang. in many ways, their friendship is incredibly bittersweet, because it is also punctuated by moments wherein sokka threatens aang's entire value system and quote-unquote "innocence" through attempting to mold him into a Man Of War the way he does those hapless toddlers in his village. for all that sokka is remarkably open-minded and receptive to new ideas, he cannot see past the limits of the world he was born into and the mechanisms and assumptions of violence he was forced to internalize and embody. aang is, of course, totally unique in his ability to not only envision a world beyond the war (i would argue that katara has the ability to do this as well), but also to have actually experienced it. and so it is truly a testament to aang's resilience that he is almost entirely impervious to sokka's ruthless, militaristic logic, even as sokka constantly attempts to enforce it.

i have a much longer post in my drafts about how aang and sokka are positioned in "the serpent's pass" (one of their best episodes in terms of their dynamic, also just a highly underrated episode in general), so i'm not gonna get too much into it here, but katara's relationship to aang as paralleled with suki's relationship to sokka is really fascinating in this episode for the ways in which it also positions katara's grief over witnessing aang's attempt to detach himself from his grief to focus on his goals and aang slipping into "sokkahood," and the absolutely devastating implications of what that must mean for katara. i think there's a strong case, in general, for the reading of katara attempting to replace her lost childhood (with sokka) through aang as he represents a vehicle for her overly idealized nostalgia (much like how zuko projects onto aang and views him as a vehicle to return to that site of his overly idealized childhood), and thus, quite literally, replacing sokka with aang. to katara, aang possesses what sokka has since lost, or perhaps something he never got the chance to have in the first place. and that isn't to say that katara views aang as a brother, but rather that katara longs for companionship in any form, and what is aang if not the ideal companion? so aang's grief and rage scares her not only because it pains her to see someone she loves so deeply in so much pain, but also because it reflects her own pain back at her, as someone who has lost so much, including family members (also including kanna and hakoda) who are, ostensibly (at least physically), still alive.

one of the most fascinating scenes between sokka and aang in the entire show is when sokka straight up attacks aang for burning katara in "the deserter." katara is very clearly affected by this beyond simply the physical pain; being burned by the weapon that killed her mother is explicitly triggering for her, and she retreats into herself and sobs like a child (she is a child, but you know what i mean. an even younger child). and sokka in turn is triggered by katara being triggered, because his entire existence revolves around his oath to protect her, and she was just hurt by the one person to whom she stakes all her hope and pride and joy and affection above all. aang obviously understands the gravity of this accident immediately; it of course wasn't intentional, but he nonetheless takes full accountability and apologizes sincerely. but sokka only calms down somewhat once he knows for certain that katara is okay. and instead of going to find katara as she sobs, he spends all his focus on yelling at aang, throwing him to the ground, more furious than we have ever seen him. and in a way, it's clear that he's also furious at himself, for having let his guard down around and trusted aang, and for his failure to perform his primary duty, protecting his sister. the fulcrum of aang and sokka's relationship is, necessarily, katara. she is the force that brings them together, and the person who is most important to either of them, but she also person who connects them in her mind, and so our perceptions of them as the audience are primarily informed by her perception of them as the narrator.

moreover, sokka's advocacy for killing zuko (in "the siege of the north") and ozai (in "sozin's comet") constitute two more fascinating scenes with aang, for the way in which sokka does not even find the act of killing something to flinch at, let alone an absolute betrayal of core principles and values the way aang does. killing is simply not something sokka feels guilty about, despite the fact that he seems to carry guilt over simply existing a lot of the time. and that juxtaposition, between aang and sokka playing together, of sokka learning how to have fun and entertain his little friend, versus sokka chastising aang for refusing to commit murder, is what makes their relationship so compelling. when people reduce their dynamic to its most comedic and innocent mode, they are reducing their roles as they embody two opposing relationships to violence, and how that reflects their ideological positions as someone who has subscribed to imperialist logic insofar as his values have been shaped by war, as opposed to someone who knows through his own experiences to refute that logic by any means necessary. when we talk about aang helping sokka to regain his humanity, it is crucial to understand specifically how sokka lost his humanity in the first place, but also why aang specifically is so crucial in counterbalancing his logic in a way no one else alive actually can.

ultimately, if sokka represents the voluntary auto-dehumanization of the colonized subject, then aang represents the potential of preservation and even reclamation of humanity and the imaginative potential of a world[view] beyond those colonial limits. their ideological conflict is not simply one of what it means to be human within a colonized paradigm, but what it means to exist at all.

#lilith-91 #asks #aang&sokka #analysis #aang #sokka #katara #under a readmore again bc i ended up writing a bajillion paragraphs (again) #also sorry for getting kind of existential with it #again obligatory disclaimer that i recognize that this is a nickelodeon y-7 cartoon #that said. i do think aang and sokka are really deep characters. like truly #and i want to honor that properly #(when i finish that serpents pass essay its over for u hoes...) #anyway. i love them so much. they are so much more than adorable dumbasses. #although yeah they are that too

[soldier-poet-king]

Thinking abt body horror as romantic. Body horror as intimate recognition of the self and the other and the other as the self. Body horror as an encounter with the divine.

#franposting #uhhhh sorry to all my homies who dont like horror but i am going thru it #and coming to some realizations about the grotesque and the bone deep body horror of the world. and its beauty and trust #is it a byproduct of an Overmanicured aesthetic obsessed culture or i am just Like That. maybe both #anyway. viktor arcane augmentation machine herald as both wonderful horror and terrible grace #smthn smthn the presger and translation state anne leckie #smthn smthn im from THE weekly divine cannibalism religion and we honestly don't talk enough about that and its implications #in a literal physical not vaguely spiritual allegory sense #honestly tlt gets at this too but it doesnt hit as much #anyway. read a trans persons thoughts on body horror and its like. fuck. you get it. #maybe not for the same reasons I get it. #but there is this. this core here. #anyway anyone have good body horror recs but like NOT visual. text. im weak stomached unfortunately to visuals #and like not in a gratuitous way. its gotta be philosophical body horror. the existential exploration of it all #horror as a genre of genuine art and contemplation. babygirl im so sorry i overlooked you for so long #not that the examples ive listed are horror #but are tapping into that thread im seeking #perhaps its not truly horror. it sure is smthn tho. and as always remains beyond my grasp #smthn smthn see in a mirror dimly etc etc

[havockingboo]

Was listen to the EC AU YT playlist again specifically ‘It Was Futile-vivivivivi’ and ‘.flow OST-Neon World’ & ‘The Sewers’

#i gotta draw more doodles that are out of context so people can get interested hehe #also just to get people immersed into the story. its wild #papyrus im so sorry youre my favorite character #now you gotta deal with me #ec au #existential crisis au #EC!papyrus #ec!sans #ec!flowey #ec!chara #doodles

[fishareglorious]

there is something I find inherently funny with Lucy's design. why is she so sexualized. why do u have pronounced metal tits. why do you have a BELLY BUTTON? what is the purpose of all of that maam.

#atomic heart looking ass design #lucy #reverse 1999 #certified storm moments #was she created by some other person and they made her look. like that #did she pop into existence looking like. herself #or did she look different and one day decide. 'hm. adler get me a sledgehammer scrap metal and a welding machine.' diy breast implants #oh god i just got the worst idea rn. be glad that i don't know how to draw it into existence and that im busy even if i wanna attempt it #sorry for this godawful post i have to do something to stave off my enroaching existential anxiety

[picnicpants]

am i on to something or is this some form of eldridch tiktok conspiracy brainrot

#dropout #TADC #tadc caine #sam reich #brennan lee mulligan #game changer #dropout tv #collegehumor #TADC X dropout when #brennan would die in the existential prison that is the circus #with the sam hands theory that’s been coming up lately too????? #this is probably too niche for anyone to get sorry #anyway sam hands conspiriacy real #LMAO THEYRE DOING THE SAME POSE #how did i not realize this sooner #the amazing digital circus #tadc pomni #pomni #caine #the amazing digital circus caine

[midnight-moth]

I’d watch it.

#I made this to help us with the existential terrors #I think my casting choices are valid #Dew’s angry eyes are quintessential buttercup and thus that image was chosen specifically #yup this is all you’re getting from me #I am very sorry #nameless ghouls #dewdrop ghoul #rain ghoul #phantom ghoul #shitghosting

[coquelicoq]

when you're the only person who keeps living through the time loop, the people around you cease to be people and become mere characters. your treatment of them doesn't matter because they're not real and they won't remember. the only way to give anything meaning is to end the loop; their actions don't affect the loop and therefore are meaningless. you're the only one who has the ability to change the future, so anything you do in service of that goal is justified.

but. kim dojka looks at yoo joonghyuk and says no, actually, these characters are people. whether they remember or not is beside the point because they are real right now. and you don't give your life meaning by achieving some accomplishment that retroactively makes everything that came before worth it - you give your life meaning in the living of it.

#'meaning' isn't a reward you get for clearing a scenario...it's something you actively create every day as you make a life #kim dokja: it's WORTH IT! i know it's worth it because we are making it worth it!!!!! #ohhhhh waoaohhohh getting a transmission to my brain...suddenly feeling the urge to rewatch palm springs (2020) #time loop fiction is sooo fucking potent like ok you can read about this person who alone out of everyone has agency #thereby alienating them from all their fellow creatures...but watch out #orv #time travel #agency #existentialism #kdj #yjh #omniscient reader's viewpoint #my posts #f #also the fact that it's kim dokja - the 'reader' - who's creating meaning...sorry excuse me. there is something in my eye. #and this is coming from the guy who is very much committed to reaching the end of the scenarios! that is very much his goal #and what he's working toward. but the meantime is not something to get through. it's life and he's choosing to live it #he's like maybe this is fiction maybe we're all characters but it doesn't matter because the story is real to the people living it #his whole thing is that he refuses the idea that the story is unchangeable. he refuses the lack of agency #he's like well i will just make my own story. i will make my own meaning #and if there's some author out there that i'm the character of well good luck keeping up with me. mwah

[clambuoyance]

Roxy’s goodbye (clambuoyance’s version)

#I’ll probably add more or color it laterrr. #smth smth Roxy slowly feeling more sorry for Rex taking advantage of superboys fame #and thinking that maybe that stardom fucked up an all too young kon’s sense of identity and worth #smth smth she thinks kons just too earnest and lovable he doesn’t need any of that stuff #kon at first would be sad another friend is saying goodbye which would’ve made him go back to Cadmus #where he has to be told again there about how to be #and there’s that one issue where the cannon cadmus guy is like #wow didn’t realize how much ppl cared about this kid #and kon must hear the same thing from ma when he goes to smallville to live a more quiet life but he’s even more unsure of how to act or be #existential crisis after existential crisis until he gets it through his thick skull #smth smth kon affirming his existence and realness not through his usefulness or purpose but by his connections to people and friends #he just has to be himself #clam draws #dc clamics #kon el #Roxy leech #Conner kent #superboy #comic

[hawkinsindiana]

as a fandom i think it’s about time we stop talking about joe keery’s hair. so many people treat it like it’s his only personality trait, as if he has nothing else to give. he’s asked about it countlessly in interviews, to the point that he’s stopped giving meaningful answers - “it’s just my hair.” he turned down a pr campaign from a major hair care company because he felt he’d be seen as shallow and disingenuous for promoting their products. steve harrington was entirely rewritten for him very last minute - the duffers couldn’t imagine firing him from the show because he was such a genuine and caring human being. the cast bends over backwards to compliment him and mention how wonderful he is to work with. this man has a whole ass music career that i hardly see anyone bring up. he writes music, plays instruments, is the lead vocalist, and goes on tour. just please… let him live. it’s fine if he cuts his hair. there’s always wigs and extensions. maturing is realizing that we can discuss joe and steve’s hair separately. learn to separate characters from the actors that play them. jesus fucking christ. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL.

#sorry i saw a tag on my joe existential crisis set that triggered me #i will defend him until the end of time bc CLEARLY some of y’all just don’t get it #steve harrington #joe keery #kenny screams!

[itissadbutitsmy-life]

theres like a really particular brand of existential crisis here

three way venn diagram between fern adventuretime, oswald epicmickey, and rob tawog. the center reads, in bold, “what if one day you woke up and nobody liked you anymore or remembered who you were even”. the section connecting fern and oswald reads “upon meeting them their brother suddenly decided they were The Monster Of The Week and tried to fight them for no reason”. the section between oswald and rob reads “straight up got sent to a land where all the things that dont exist go because the world stopped loving them”. the section between rob and fern reads “at some point their body stopped looking the same or even working right anymore on a molecular level”.

#of the three of them fern gives me the worst existential crisis and rob makes me the saddest but oswald is a close second on both ends #im referring to fern just Considering Himself To Be Finn when he first appears despite the fact that his mouth doesnt work or anything etc #and now he has to photosynthesize. so much fern screentime is devoted to 'grass boys dont GET xyz experience' #re: his body changing. i think rob's change is Obvious. he didnt used to be glitchy :( #i cant stop talkign. sorry #epic mickey #em #tawog #gumball #adventure time #o #THIS IS STILL IN MY DRAFTS??

[miramisaki]

36(???) days until Charlie...

#mira draws stuff #fate charlemagne #charlemagne #fgo #fate grand order #fate extella link #charlemagne countdown #sorry for the relatively small ratio of Charlie to picture today I realized it was 11 p.m. and went oH CRAP #so smol Crane Game AU Charlie strikes again #the class work and the existential ennui have been kicking my butt #hopefully I'll feel up to drawing something more detailed soon... #thank you to those of you who've put well wishes in your reblog tags I see them and I love you #and for those who missed my post about it like forty(?) days ago I do know we'll be getting charlie earlier than my countdown predicts #but changing the numbering when we don't have an official release date would be too confusing #so I'm waiting until we have proper confirmation of the release date before updating the countdown number #prayer circle for Traum on May 10

[muzzleroars]

Are we just gonna ignore the ticking time bomb which is the truth about Lucifer's fall (eventually) coming out? What would or why would it happen? Or would Uriel and the other old angels take that one to the grave?

lucifer's fall is a now complicated narrative - anything written in uriel's books on the matter is obviously false, fabricated as god directed him to do so, but the memories of the angels from that time have been repeatedly put into question, making it difficult for even those directly involved in the war to now say what happened in those days. compounding this is the simple fact that god is seen as infallible and so, therefor, as the end authority on what the truth really is. uriel doesn't have access to thoughts, but god does. to this end, if god tells them all the lucifer had designs to take over his throne, that he was scheming, jealous, wicked, it must be so. lucifer's words, his public stance against god, were nothing more than lip service - he is the father of lies and used deception to his ends. at first, it's difficult for those who knew him to believe even if god's word must be so. yet, as time goes on, as they forget lucifer, as they forget his boundless love and his endless passion, they begin to accept it, believe in it, and ultimately hold it as gospel. because of their closeness, the archangels do hold private reservations, with michael's being the worst and resulting in the manifestation of his dogmatic adherence to god, but otherwise...it is widely accepted and adopted as true, even for those who were a part of the war. unfortunately, hell has access to the testaments.

now the testaments. aren't that important to v1. the history of this place isn't of particular interest to it and it largely puts them out of its mind after quickly reading and filing them away. however, gabriel will ultimately have to reach a true point of reckoning and deconstruction of his faith - he has reflected on god's world and its falsehoods, in his fall he has reveled for a time in rebelling against it and everything he was under it, but once the turbulence slows, he needs to actually confront himself as an angel that has lost its faith in god. and i think during that time, with all its suffering, its hate, its grief, v1 directs him toward the testaments it nearly threw in its trash bin. he deserves to see the truth as god himself wrote it rather than be an abandoned child left guessing. and while they hold a myriad of hard truths for gabriel to process, the truth of lucifer is devastating. he questioned the existence of hell, he questioned the validity of its purpose, and for that he was cast out. because god didn't have an answer. when gabriel sifts through the haze of eons, digs under the story as told by god, pushes past the severe punishments they all endured under the guise of rooting out any more like lucifer (used, in no small part, to make them all hate him, to make it seem as though their agony was caused by lucifer instead of god), he can remember him in parts. it's so hard to undo the damage done, all the deception, punishments, and threats god used to make them all weapons against lucifer, but now as a fallen angel, gabriel is faithless just enough to find his way to his own real memories.

they aren't strong. they barely cling to the corners of his mind after so much battering. but he remembers what it felt like in lucifer's presence, the warmth and jubilation of his experience. he radiated love and his words poured forth that love, his brilliance shared with all that joined to him. the pieces are broken, but i think this, paired with working up his courage to actually seek lucifer out and seeing his fate, would set gabriel on a campaign to finally pull his memory out of the shit god callously cast it into and force heaven to really see who they still cleave to. he deserves that much, though he may be now warped beyond recognition like so many of the angels that fell with him. and while he can do little to fight for this directly, his main goal is to make his siblings see what he does. they will all be VERY resistant to his attempts, but it would likely be uriel who is the first to admit to falsehoods in this narrative - he's written enough edited content to know god directed him to lie in his histories, so he accepts it the easiest. the other two prove much more difficult - raphael wants little to do with the conversation and michael is incredibly volatile at the idea. and gabriel knows why. he understands it. raphael is kind, he is so gentle-hearted the truth is too terrible to swallow - and, selfishly, he wants peace and harmony. this would disrupt the comfort he and all of heaven has left, and his main directive is always, always to make things comfortable. michael is just as obvious, he has combated this in his own soul for all this time, tearing apart from the inside out over the idea that lucifer may not have deserved his awful punishment and how holding that belief made him some kind of apostate in his own mind. so any mention of it sends him into a rage, proclaiming his hatred for lucifer and condemning gabriel's own hell-twisted mind for contorting the truth so.

the only way they could be convinced is to read the testaments for themselves and be sure it is god's word (hard to deny i think, as i hc they are written in the language of heaven which nothing in hell can reproduce...and v1 must actually interpret it for gabriel, as the words burn his eyes and nauseate him, so could come from no infernal source) raphael recoils from it, retreating into prayer as though that could change the words in front of him. uriel is....resigned yet ashamed, like he always knew this to be true and feels his hand in perpetuating it for all this time. but in reality, michael's determination is the most important - he is still the prince of heaven regardless of his current state, and so is now their highest authority. and he sees the words. he sees himself. he sees all this has come to, the kingdom of god as the banner he carried and his broken little family gathered around him. in spite of themselves, they want him to say something. but god's word is his word. he reads it for what it is and michael, always so legal, always so literal, can interpret it only one way. he grasps at his scripture, yet the closest crime worthy of hell he can attribute it to, accusing the work of the holy spirit to be evil, hardly fits. he would be twisting canon's meaning and lucifer's words, as he only questioned. he just asked. it could be a sin to ask...but never a sin that couldn't be repented. the more he thinks on it in measured silence, the more he knows he's inserting ambiguity where there is none. god transposed his guilt onto lucifer, knowing it was wrong. and michael can't go against the word of god.

he will determine with raphael and uriel how best to tell heaven. and he will finally undo his chains

#not that michael's determination here doesn't. spark immediate debate lol #but he is nothing if not true to god's word #and i like to think this begins to MAJORLY release michael from his role of wrath-bearer and back into his mercy #a lot. goes into why he decides this too #v2. the ferryman. gabriel in his fall. his own existential and physical deterioration #SORRY i didn't get into the actual what would happen part #but the fallout would require a lot of my rambling too lol #heaven would be in an absolute tumult!!! michael heretic arc #cake answers #lucifer #fallen gabriel #michael #raphael #uriel #rise and fall au