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alyakthedorklord · 2 months

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Agent D to watchtower

(Fic)

Flash And Green Lantern, bored, stuck on monitor duty at the watchtower, cheerfully badmouthing batman together when a notification rings through the room.

Hal snaps to attention, because notifications on monitor duty don’t usually mean good things, but at least they’re things.

Oh holy crap that’s Batman’s caller ID.

Green Lantern and the Flash do NOT scramble like kids caught staying up badmouthing a parent at a sleepover, sending chips and cookies flying. They are professional world savers. Incredibly powerful men. Yep.

“Batman!” The Flash squeaks. “Whats- uh. Whats the situation?”

Whatever it is has to be dire. Batman never calls for help, ever. So it has to be a really big problem. Unless he’s spying on them. And is about to growl at them for talking behind his back.

The line is silent for a few moments, just long enough for Hal and Flash to trade terrified looks, and then…

“This is Agent D, reporting in.”

That voice is not Batman.

It’s not Batman’s deep, growly baritone. It’s slightly accented, boyish and light, despite the serious tone to it as whoever the voice belongs to whispers into the communicator.

Too young. Far too young. Thats a kid.

Hal checks the ID- yep, this is Batman’s communicator. How on earth does this kid have it?

“Uh… nice to meet you, Agent D. Can you tell me what’s going on? How are you calling us right now?”

“I’m deep in enemy territory.” The kid whispers, which isn’t really an answer but definitely catches Hal’s attention. The kid is whispering like he’s scared someone- or something- will hear him. “The darkness is endless. Any and all sound travels here- it’s a massive echo chamber. This is his territory. I’m not sure if I’ll make it out of these caves- if he hears me, I’m done for.”

“Whoa, whoa, hang on.” Hal says quickly, eyes wide as he stares at the indicator on the screen. “What’s going on? Where are you? Do you need help?”

“Negative on the extraction.” What the hell? Who is this kid? Who taught him to talk like that? “It’s too late for me. But I have urgent info the Justice League needs to hear!”

Hal and Flash exchange a concerned look. The kid knows he’s got a Justice League communicator. It isn’t just some random thing he’s picked up.

“We’re all ears, kid.” Flash says.

“Alright,” the kid says seriously, taking a breath like he’s bracing himself for the words he’s about to say, Hal and Flash leaning closer to the monitor as they wait for whatever he has to say. “Batman…”

“…is a butthead.”

Hal stares at the monitor.

Flash stares at the monitor.

“…what?”

“Batman is a butthead.” The kid repeats. “A stinky butthead. He’s mean and old and dumb and a big butt.”

Is there something in his ears? Is there something in the Doritos making him hallucinate? Did a kid really steal Batman’s Justice League Communicator to call him a butthead?

“He’s such a big butthead, we should call him Buttman instead of Batman.” The kid is saying, glee seeping into his serious tone. “There goes Buttman, in the Buttmobile.”

“These are-” Hal begins, then has to stop to let out a laugh or else he won’t be able to maintain a serious voice for the game they’re apparently playing. Flash has his hands pressed over his mouth, shaking. “These are serious claims, Agent D. Do you have any proof?”

“Yes!” Agent D announces. “He makes me wear PANTS and do GRAMMAR! And! And last Wednesday he wouldn’t let me have dessert, and he won’t take me on patrol with him, and! He was mean to Agent A! Even though Agent A is just worried about him because he got hit on the head and got a concussion because he doesn’t have a skull to protect his brain and his head is all squishy like a Butt!”

Hal is nearly crying with the effort it takes to hold in his laughter, clutching onto the desk for support. Thankfully, the Flash has recovered enough to play along with a shocked gasp.

“Is that why he wears that Armored Cowl?” He asks Agent D. “To protect his squishy head?”

“Yes.” The kid insists, voice dripping with vicious glee. “I saw him take it off once and he doesn’t have any hair. He’s wearing underpants on his butt head.”

“Is it… is it special underwear? Or just normal?” Flash asks, grinning madly and shaking as well. “He doesn’t have legs on his head to wear it right, so-”

“The ears on his cowl are the legs.” The kid says immediately.

That mental image is enough to bring Flash down to the floor beside Hal, cackling madly. They get ahold of themselves, swallowing down their laughter to get back to the kid, but then they lock eyes, setting them off all over again as Agent D’s giggles echo through the comm line above them.

“I can’t- oh god, I can’t breathe.” Hal gasps, clutching at his chest. “Fu- um, gosh, I needed that.”

“I’m never going to be able to look him in the eye again.” Flash wheezes. “That’s an image that’s going to stay with me forever.”

“Good. Memorize it: this information will not be repeated.” The kid says seriously, deepening his voice in what is clearly meant to imitate Batman. Flash cackles again.

“In all seriousness, kid.” Hal says, crawling his way up to the desk to stare in bewilderment at Batman’s caller ID. “Where did you get this communicator? It’s meant to be a secure line. Emergencies.”

“Well,” Agent D says, voice lightening out of his Batman imitation and into a tone of sweet, angelic innocence, “he shouldn’t have left it out in the open then.”

“I didn’t.”

Both Hal and the Flash freeze, hearts stopping in their chests at the familiar angry growl.

Batman.

“Uh oh.” Agent D mutters.

The next thing they hear is the flurry of motion- the thump of the communicator being jughled, the scraping of cloth and shoe on stone, the whoosh of the communicator being swung through the air, and the patter of feet running full tilt.

“ROBIN!” Batman’s voice shouts, the only response a cackle of young laughter.

“Run, little man!” The Flash urges, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Go go go!”

“It’s too late!” Agent D shrieks. “It’s too late! The Buttman is coming! Remember me! I sacrificed myself for the greater good! Like the spies who got the death star plans! Remember me!”

“It’s not over yet!” Hal cheers, even if he knows theres no escaping Batman. “Evasive maneuvers! Keep going!”

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” Agent D bellows, but a moment later the sound of running is cut off with two grunts, one much deeper than the other, and the sound of a scuffle.

Scrabbling and slapping of little kid hands on kevlar armor can be heard between thumps of the microphone hitting something. Finally, the sound settles, enough for Hal and Flash to hear Batman mutter, “you sure about that?” as Agent D groans dramatically.

A moment later, Batman’s voice comes over the communicator clearly for the first time.

“Batman to Watchtower.” he says, voice flat and businesslike as ever despite the kid gighling madly in the background. “Comms have been compromised.”

“We noticed.” Hal smirks. And Batman was the first to let the secure line get infiltrated! He’s never letting him live this down.

“The perpetrator has been apprehended, and will be punished accordingly.”

“Aww, no, Batman, come on.” Flash wheedles on behalf of his new buddy. Hal is kind of worried too- Batman won’t be too hard on the kid, will he? “Agent D was just having some fun!”

“Yeah, don’t be a butthead!” Agent D shouts, before giggling again.

“You know you’re not supposed to be down here alone.” Batman grumbles. “This is probably one of the safer things you could have picked up. And it can send a distress signal that can summon the entire justice league. What would you have done if Superman decided to smash his way through the cave?”

“I know how to use it!” Agent D complains. “I’m not stupid! I’m good with technology, and you showed me how in case of emergencies!”

“And this was an emergency?”

“A boredom emergency.” Oh god, Agent D is sassing Batman.

“Seriously, Spooky.” Hal interrupts, because he’s actually a little worried for Agent D, “whats his sentence?”

Batman huffs, and then there’s a grunt and a small oof like he’s readjusting his grip on Agent D. “Considering this isn’t his first offense of the night…”

“I’ve done nothing! I’m innocent! I want a lawyer!” The sounds of struggling come through the communicator, but Hal doesn’t think it’s working very well. The kid is trying to escape Batman, after all. “You’re always saying we can’t be judge, jury, and executioner! Put your money where your mouth is! I want a lawyer!”

“Alright.” Batman hums, much to Hal’s shock. Is he really playing along with the kid? “Green Lantern. I’m promoting you to Lawyer. Answer my next question carefully.”

Still a little shocked, all Hal can say is, “um… okay?”

“What is twenty-four minus twenty-four?”

Hal frowns. That doesn’t sound like a lawyer question. “Excuse me?”

“Twenty-four minus twenty-four.” Batman repeats.

“Uh… zero?” Why does Batman need him to say this? Doesn’t he know math? Can’t he whip a calculator off that belt of his? It wouldn’t surprise Hal in the slightest. Hardly the weirdest thing Batman’s got on there.

“Lets add some words to that problem.” Batman growls. “If I had twenty-four cookies before someone was left unsupervised in the kitchen, and none after… then how many cookies are currently rallying for a stomachache against Agent D?”

Hal won’t lie. That’s impressive. The kid doesn’t sound grown enough to have a big stomach. “Twenty-four.”

“No!” Agent D shrieks. “No!”

“Sounds like an admission of guilt from your lawyer.” Batman growls. Oops. Hal forgot that was his job! He should have dodged the question!

“No! Leading the witness! Your question was a trick!” Agent D shouts, in an impressive show of melodramatics. “I want a better lawyer! This one sucks! I bet this guy didn’t even go to law school! Also, he wasn’t given all the relevant evidence or time to prepare his arguments! ALSO also he was appointed by the opposition! Rigged jury! I want a retrial!”

How old is this kid?

“Nope, too late. Welcome to Gotham, chum.” Batman huffs. “Now then, stealing a Justice League Communicator, eating all of the cookies, which were meant for both of us and I was very much looking forwards to, and calling me… Buttman.”

He growls the last word, and Hal watches Flashes fist teleport to his mouth to hold in the bark of laughter threatening to escape. The serious way he said that stupid name… even Agent D has stopped his dramatics in the face of the court to cackle!

“Don’t laugh.” Batman growls, in exactly the same tone that made them laugh in the first place. “I am deciding your punishment.”

“You can’t do anything!” Agent D jeers. “I already told the Justice League that you were actually a Butthead! I’ve eaten all the cookies! All twenty-four tasty, tasty cookies and you can’t have any! I’ve won! There’s nothing you can do! You’ll never get your cookies back!”

“Is that so?” Batman hums, and if Hal didn’t know better, he might think Spooky was smiling. “Well then. I guess I’ll have to tickle you until you toss your cookies.”

“Wait- no!” The kid shrieks, and then the communicator breaks off into peals of desperate, full bellied laughter, interspaced with pleas for mercy and one final, deep voiced line.

“Batman, out.”

The comm channel is cut, leaving the Watchtower’s occupants in an echoing, shocked silence.

Tickles? TICKLES? Batman, the hardass of the Justice League, the no-nonsense, work no play, spooky scary bastard… left his communicator where a kid could get it. A kid who stole all of Batman’s cookies. Who Batman retaliated against for stealing his cookies with tickles.

And his voice had been… not non-growly, but lighter than Hal has ever heard it. Ever. The kid had seemed completely at ease with him, mocking him, grumbling about homework and treats. It was almost as if…

“Oh my god Batman is a dad.” Hal whispers into the silent room, eyes wide. “This is the greatest thing to happen to me ever. I’m so glad I decided to stay to keep you company.”

“So am i, so you can tell me later i didn’t hallucinate that.” Flash says fervently. “He’s a dad. He’s a dad to the giggliest kid I have ever heard in my life.”

“He punished his kid with TICKLES.” Hal wheezes. “His kid calls him a butthead for making him do homework- oh my GOD. His kid grabbed a JUSTICE LEAGUE COMMUNICATOR- he knew exactly what that thing was!”

“Came on the line like a proper secret agent!” F agrees, vibrating. “Oh my god, please tell me we have that saved. Do we have that saved?”

“Quick- before spooky deletes it!”

#dick grayson #bruce wayne #batman #robin #justice league shennanigans #found this in my notes app #here you go #enjoy

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theclownpuppet · 10 months

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sum studies on stinky man and his plus one (the van)

spy is a little bitch to draw ong

#art #myart #artist #artists on tumblr #digitalart #clipstudiopaint #tf2 #team fortress 2 #doodles #sniper tf2 #spy tf2 #tf2 art #team fortress 2 art

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sheepyazi · 1 year

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Hey, I love your artwork its beautiful. Are you still taking requests? would it be okay to ask for a Picture of A Blu Sniper and a red spy sharing a kiss? perhaps by a warm campfire together?

Why of course uwu. They're having such a lovely night out uwu

And don't mind Sniper wearing his sunglasses at night lmao

And a little screenshot to show the kissie a little better

#sfm #tf2 sfm #my sfm #sfm render #tf2 fanart #fanart #team fortress 2 #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sniperspy #just silly old men in love #crossfaction sniperspy #they're literally so in love with each other #Spy loves his stinky man

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cosmerelists · 1 month

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Stormlight Characters, What Body Part Would You Be Per Arclo's Philosophy?

As requested by @sushi1056.

In Edgedancer, Lift meets a philosopher named Arclo who asks, "What body part do you feel that you are most like? ... Are you the hand, always doing busy work? Are you the mind, giving direction? Do you feel that you are more of a ... leg perhaps? Bearing up everyone else, and rarely noticed?"

Lift gave her own answer (nose), but if others were asked this question, how would they respond?

[I decided to limit this to Stormlight characters but if people enjoy this I'll be happy to try it with other books!]

Dalinar: These days, I suppose I am the mind, as the one who gives direction.

Dalinar: But I think I used to be the teeth: always consuming, always violent, not really understanding why.

Jasnah: I do not think that the mind can be simplified into that which gives direction.

Jasnah: I am the mind that synthesizes, thinks, and remembers.

Wit: Why, the tongue of course! It's my job to say what the king wants to say. And I've known to tell a story or two.

Renarin: Hmmm...the eyes perhaps? I notice.

Rlain: And I would say ears. Because I listen. And not only back in my spy days!

Teft: Knees, I guess.

Teft: Supposed to be helping you walk and stand and lift.

Teft: But knees give out so easily. And nobody wants to have bad knees.

Navani: I'd say hands. I do like to be doing things--making things. I always always "kept busy" by my former husband, but now as an artifabian I am doing it for myself.

Sadeas: The gut. I'm doing things that others see as dirty, but which are in fact absolutely necessary if we want to survive.

Shallan: Eyelids. I want to control what you see--and what you don't see.

Kaladin: I'd be the shoulders, I guess. I feel like a lot gets piled on me. And that I support a lot of people when they can't support themselves.

Shallan: You're muscular...

Kaladin: I am also muscular.

Rock: The arms, I hope! Helping to carry whatever I can, and welcoming everyone in!

Sebarial: The stomach of course.

Sebarial: I just want to be filled with good things, and I don't care if it makes you sick!

Adolin: Well...I guess the feet? In a time when literally everyone I know has amazing powers and I don't, I don't feel like I could be, like, a glamorous part of the body.

Adolin: But I do keep us moving. And I'm here for support.

Vasher: I'd also be the feet.

Vasher: Stinky.

Szeth: I am the nerves--I carry out the instructions from the brain, and I can cause a lot of pain.

Nale: I am the liver.

Nale: I filter out the poison. I do not think many appreciate the work I do, but they would certainly notice if I were to stop.

Lopen: I am the hips!

Lopen: Good at thrusting, and I never lie!

Taravangian: I'd have to say that I am the neck.

Taravangian: Turning the head to make sure it's facing the right direction.

Taravangian: And if I break, humanity will truly be doomed.

Moash: Me? I'm the throat.

Moash: Made to swallow more pain and suffering than I ever deserved.

Moash: So when I choke, I'm taking the whole body with me.

#cosmere #cosmerelists #stormlight archive #arclo

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tf2shit · 2 years

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Hello how you all doing red team!

Have you meet blu team

(Gives cookies to)

Bye!

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nobodyfamousposts · 4 months

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If the Dolls somehow made it to bigfatbreak's Viceroy AU, what do you think they would do?

Well, I wouldn't want to deviate too much from @bigfatbreak's au, so given the circumstances of the AU and Adrien's lack of knowledge that Marinette is Ladybug, the wish would either have to have been made pre-Mama's Day and reveal or Adrien lost his memories of Chaton and coparenting with Marinette. Or alternatively the dolls were just messing around and end up in an alternate reality and just decide to fix things as they come across them.

With that said, Chaton and Littlebug wouldn't know what happened or why the world changed, but they would still find their way to their respective parents and their new circumstances.

Chaton would go to the bakery and find Grand Mama is gone and Mama is sad and the butter-lies are everywhere. Grand Papa catches Chaton immediately. Tom for his part is initially wary, but thanks to his use of the Butterfly Miraculous, he can talk with Chaton and sense his emotions. A bit surprised that a doll has emotions, and even more surprised to find out the doll cares so much about Marinette. With the empathy powers of the Butterfly and the information from Nooroo and Chaton himself, Tom realizes Chaton carried over from the previous timeline and was created based on the Chat Noir hero. Much like Nooroo, Tom has Chaton stay with Marinette to keep her company and keep her safe. Chaton is happy about this since it means he can be with Mama still, even if she is different. Marinette is surprised with this, but hey, she's already met Nooroo and knows magic is real. Plus Chaton is too cute to be scared of.

Littlebug goes to Adrien. She is relieved Adrien is okay and Adrien in turn is relieved Littlebug at least is still around in this new crazy world. Littlebug is confused as to the changes. Seeing Adrien's mother is alive when Chaton tells her that Marinette's mother isn't. She finds this change unfavorable especially as she learns more about Emilie and comes to be increasingly disappointed in the mother Adrien had spoken to her so much about. Not helped by the fact that she still very much dislikes Gabriel and becomes even more suspicious of him. She stays hidden as much as possible and doesn't risk letting Gabriel find her, even when she's pretending to be a toy (especially important as Ladybug isn't a thing here in this timeline).

...of course, that's not to say she doesn't mess with him. Gabriel still finds himself the subject of a number of unpleasant happenstances when it's most inconvenient for him.

When Adrien starts regularly going to the bakery and spending time with Marinette, Littlebug goes with him. This naturally leads her to 1) reunite with Chaton and 2) discover Tom has the Butterfly Miraculous. Yes, he finds her just like he found Chaton by sensing her presence with the Butterfly Miraculous, but make no mistake: she finds him first.

She isn't sure what to think about him using the Butterfly Miraculous, but he isn't Hawk Moth, isn't mean to Nooroo, and has not nor intends to hurt Adrien or Marinette. Not to mention that when Tom (being able to sense Littlebug's emotions and her fierce protectiveness) outright informs her of Hawk Moth targeting Marinette and his plans to track him down....yeaaah, Littlebug is ALL on board with that. She agrees to helping him. Uses the time Adrien comes by to visit with Chaton but also plan with Tom and let him know anything she knows or remembers or finds out. She helps him spy on Gabriel in particular, since in her mind if ANYONE is stinky enough to be Hawk Moth, it's him.

Littlebug and Chaton would have full memories of the previous timeline. They would know each other and about Marinette and Adrien being Ladybug and Chat Noir. Sadly, they wouldn't know that Gabriel is Hawk Moth otherwise things would be resolved very quickly as Chaton would tell Tom about him right away and Littlebug would enact ALL. UNHOLY. VENGEANCE upon him before Tom even gets a chance to.

Then there's Chaton. He's a good boy, so he's never far from Marinette and helps her any way he can. It's hard because she's sad and working too much so often, but he does his best! And it's strange being around the not-quite-Butter-lies (Fairies?), but they're nice and friendly so he doesn't eat them, which Nooroo quite appreciates. Despite the changes, Chaton would be happy here.

.....if only the mean whispies would go away.

He can see them. See them and feel them. Dark icky things that twist and coil and attach to Mama. He thinks at first they're what's making her sad. But then they attack his Mama at certain times. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't like it. So he bats the whispies away if he can.

....sometimes that means the whispies hurt him instead.

He doesn't like them.

He. Doesn't. Like. Them.

He can push at them to help Mama breathe, but he can't fight them off. Not entirely. He tries though! He's a good boy! But it's hard. And it hurts. And he gets tired more easily because Mama doesn't have the Pinkling.

Grand Papa is different here. He doesn't know about the whispies but seems to understand when Chaton tries to tell him. All Chaton knows is that the whispies are hurting Mama and were caused by the past Hawk Moth. Grand Papa is trying to find him to make the whispies stop.

Grand Papa is better than Meanie Moth. He listens to Chaton. And Littlebug seems to like him, too! So Chaton will trust Grand Papa to stop Meanie Moth. He will protect Mama in the meantime.

And when Chaton gets tired or is feeling hurt, Mama and the Fairies help him feel better.

But that's okay! He's a good boy and he'll take it so Mama doesn't have to.

...

Ultimately, the dolls try to help the best way they can.

Chaton by protecting Marinette.

Littlebug by finding the one responsible and making him pay.

#ml crossover #nobody answers #dolls au #viceroy au #villain dad au #littlebug and chaton noir #littlebug #chaton noir #dolls angst #gabriel is an idiot

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