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traceyshortfilm · 13 days

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Last night I had a conversation with a couple of friends, trying to explain to them how I've been wondering for several months now if I'm asexual. I felt like I had to explain every single reason why I do and they kept telling things like "maybe you just haven't found the right partner" , "maybe there are still some (other) things you could do in bed which don't involve penetration..." Or asking me Qs like: "but do you still masturbate, right?" And they didn't understand that aces can also masturbate.

The main question here is... Do you think I should continue getting myself into situations I know for sure are uncomfortable for me? Just for the sake of "finding out if I'm really ace". I think they're just invalidating my speech tbh. Maybe they don't believe in asexuality????

I'm so sorry that your friends weren't very understanding. I find that a lot of allosexual people see asexuality as a "problem"/"less fulfilling experience" and offer their perspective on fixing said "problem" or trying to find solutions to it. However - these "solutions" are made for allosexual people, not aces. Because your friends inherently see their personal experience as "correct", they may try and steer you in the direction that they, as allos, would find solutions in - "others things in bed without penetration" etc etc. I try not to assume any harm is meant by this, as it seems more like ignorance than maliciousness, but I also don't know your friend-group & dynamics. I totally feel your frustration in having to explain yourself, and have people always "devil's-advocate" you in conversation. I also pondered for many years whether I was ace or not, and had frustrating conversations as well.

Typically, if people have to *wonder * if they are something, 9 times out of 10 they are . Yes, it's perfectly normal for people to wonder things, and even allos at some point in their life might have wondered if they were ace. But the difference here is that you have pondered on this for months. You have had time to think about your experience and usually when people suspect they are ace, they never do so flippantly. If sexual attraction has never come naturally or easy to you, I think you very well may be ace. If asexual is the label that best aligns with how you feel, then you are asexual! I want you to know there is nothing wrong with using a label that fits you now, even if it changes later. Some lucky people find their label that perfectly describes them, and it never changes. But a lot of people go through a journey to find their truth & community. And that is a good thing! If you feel you are asexual, then you are. No one should invalidate that. You know yourself best and know your experience best. We have a video on our channel "How Can I Know If I'm Ace" - very simply put - if you don't typically experience sexual attraction, you are on the asexual spectrum, and by learning more about asexuality, can find the label that best fits you". Also, I'm not sure how open your friends are to learning about it, but they could do well to watch our Asexuality 101 series hahah!

Please don't put yourself in any uncomfortable situations - you know yourself better than anyone and you don't need to "find out" if you're "really asexual" or if "other alternatives" will work for you. Listen to your mind, body & spirit, and if your first reaction to situations is not excitement & attraction, then please don't force yourself to do anything. Your first reaction, your gut reaction is almost always right.

I know it's easier said than done, especially when coming from people whose opinions you hold in regard, but please don't let your friends make you think that: "yOu cAnT kNoCk iT tiLL yOu tRy iT". That's not true. I grew up around a lot of people who were experiencing sexual attraction & sexual feelings long before they ever had sex for the first time. So if they were able to know that they'd want & enjoy sex before trying it, how is you knowing you wouldn't want it before trying it any less valid? It's not.

I hope that in future conversations, your friends support you as any good friends would. Please know you always have community here in the asexual community and that you're not alone.

Long story short, if you feel asexual, then you really are asexual!

Sending so much love, care & support, thank you for sharing your story with me <3

#asks #asexuality #asexual #community #anon ask #lgbtqia #asexual community #acepride #asexual pride

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antiradqueer · 5 months

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Trigger warning for mentions of fetishization, pro-c for non-con stuff,paras, and like very little of cult tactics, nothing with much detail I believe. Sorry if i tagged these wrongly, I'm not really good at putting trigger warnings.

Lol, im in the rq community but its like really confusing, i dont agree with some terms that fetishize people and invalidate others but some parts are i agree with too so its weird.

Im not sure if i should leave and even if i do where do i exactly go i dont really know, also some of these terms really help me to explain and express my non-human identity better, and stuff like that. (i only have id with transbody terms that go like 'wanting to have more eyes' or 'wanting to be taller' due to non-humanity, im not sure if that is wrong. Because these terms really would be okay and very nice in my eyes if they werent soo,, interwined with pro-c for non-con paras and actual fucked up shit.)

Also the community is meant to be anti-harasment, which is what i am, knowing that harassment on the internet wont really work in anyway. Though the community is extreme (this goes for antis too, both sides are very extreme which sometimes wants me to just stay in the middle of it.) And people in the rq tend to ignore the pro-harassment rq's by saying stuff like 'oh theyre not actually rq' and that on itself sounds like very problematical to me. Maybe not just me, i have no idea.

I also thought of id as transabled due to my heavy signs of BIID, (though i am not diagnosed so it might be something else, so i wont self diagnose for now since it might be a placebo effect due to my legs not functioning well in the first place) but the things it implied was just,, not something i would like to be associated with. So idk if that makes me unvalid or anything of that.

Im so fucking confused and i dont really like the fact i am so confused and kind of not fitting for both sides and being neutral seems,, y'know,, ignorant to me because both sides have their extremes and problems, so god i have no idea.

Also i did notice rq community using ways that are like,, weird, and i have experienced cult tactics and when i noticed it literally didnt go away so yeah. And that certainly something I don't want to be associated with and harms me too.

Its weird, i have no idea, wa.

Also i quite literally dont care whos origin is what, i used to be heavily endogenic but after a while i was like,, 'dude i cant change these people nor should i can encourage possible harmful things to them and the plural community' and decided to be neutral especially because i have a traumagenic system of 750+ with some alters still heavily anti-endo and some pro-endo. Which again makes me feel like i will not be welcomed elsewhere.

I have talked to a few anti-rqs about my experience but idk

Also i have multiple paraphilic disorders and Paraphilias without disorders, so im not sure if i will be affected in the other communities since of my paraphilic disorders.

So sorry this is like very long, i apologize if i made y'all uncomfortable,, it was not what i intended.

first of all, I will just repeat what I tell every radqueer that comes into our inbox: think about if you really want to be part of and support a movement that inherently supports pro-c paraphiles of all kinds, is racist, ableist and whatnot. you simply can't on one hand call yourself radqueer and on the other hand pick and choose the parts of the community you like. if you use that label, you are supporting the WHOLE community, end of the story. of course there are disgusting people in every community, but it's different with radqueers - for example, there are quite a lot if pro-c zoophiles who are also therians and claim to be part of the therian community. BUT the therian label in itself is strictly against that and will never ever accept those people. the radqueer label however is inherently supportive of and welcoming to pro-c zoos, pedos and necros. and that's the difference. that's why you are still supporting those people even if you only use the term radqueer. please realize there are alternative terms you can use for the same experiences, which are not associated with radqueers and/or are coined by folk who are openly anti radqueer and anti transid.

aside from that, being neutral or unaligned is 100% a path you can choose! always put your own comfort and safety first and if the discourse stresses you out too much, you can always just back off.

I don't have too much to add honestly, to me it seems like you are THIS close to truly realizing how horrible the radqueer community actually is - I mean, you even noticed the cult tactics. but it is on you to take the final step and get out and I promise you, if you do, you will be welcomed by us antis and other communities!

[I won't comment on the endo system part, since we don't do syscourse topics here]

#mod luna 🌙#anti radqueer

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genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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When you're afab, how do you know when the Confusing Gender Feelings aren't just internalized misogyny, or you fetishizing trans men, or you being at discomfort about how society views women's identities???? haha asking for a friend (it's me, i'm desperate)

that's actually a good question, at least in terms of the last one, i've had to question that last one for a loooongggg time

being attracted to trans men is not the same as fetishizing trans men. fetishizing trans men is when you aggressively focus on their breasts, hips/curves, vagina if they have one, etc., making them seem weaker or inferior to other men, infantilizing and sexualizing us, and treating us like objects. that's where fetishism lies. being attracted to trans men is not the same, if you just find us attractive that's okay, it's especially okay to find trans men attractive if you are one

internalized misogyny is a tough one i've been unraveling that for a long time as well. that one i think presents more in the form of projection a lot of the time, if you have an automatic bad reaction to female or feminine things, if you automatically assume that you are dumb, weak, inferior, etc. because you are afab, if you tend to stay away from feminine things or things made for girls in general as a gut reaction because it's "inherently bad" that can also be internalized misogyny. basically if you think something is inherently bad because it's related to women or afab people by that proxy in society's eyes that's internalized misogyny.

that last one i feel you there, that was a huge problem for me before i transitioned cuz i'm fat and people love to get in your face if you're a fat "girl", let me tell you. that one can be very appearance based as well as a lot of thinking about how you're being perceived by others, which can factor into trans things.

i would try and focus more on how you feel when you think about your gender. what things made you question being trans? do you feel uncomfortable in how you present socially, do you feel uncomfortable with your name and pronouns, do you feel like hormones would genuinely bring you changes that would make you happy, have you longed for a change for a long time and cant quite place a finger on it, that kind of stuff. try to figure out the parts that bring you joy and euphoria and focus on those for a while, and try to build from there. think about what it is that makes you feel transmasculine and why, and think about the things that bring you joy when you think about that. maybe even start a journal or write these things down where you can be reminded when you feel insecure

i hope that helps, take care of yourself. it can be really hard to figure these things out, it requires a lot of deep introspection. you're doing a good job but sometimes it's easy to think yourself into a corner. i hope you're able to suss it out. come back if you need anymore help =)

#asks #answers #questioning

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corpsegold · 8 months

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got a self help book for narcissism lol. its pretty good actly. did the tests inside, got a score thats just a bit over the "woopsie ur a narc" boundary. Feel ok about it tho. Met a woman during a bender a while ago and was talking to her about it all. She was significantly worse than me. Going through the questionnaires made me realise which aspects of it are issues and which ones arent. Theres a lot of overlap with autism and addiction. After the questionnaires it goes straight into talking about childhood emotional neglect which was kinda mind blowing. Feels validating

I feel less like its the end of the world now. I know that I'm not inherently a bad person, its just gonna be more difficult for me to be a kind person than it might be for other people. Its nice to see what things I need to learn how to manage, and that it could be way WAYYYY worse. It feels good to be able to undertand myself. Its like I need to put a lot more effort into securing and regulating my self esteem. Like eating properly, or sleeping well, I gotta try to manage that, and then itll be easier to be nice to people and not want to die

being a narc doesnt really change anything. I always had these issues. Like getting the label just means I understand why, and its not all the end of the world. I can be more sensible about myself now and hopefully make less chaos.

the book said that like. when youre a child you make these barriers to block of emotions, and thats why you cant have compassion for yourself as an adult, or for anyone else. You find it really hard to empathise because those parts are locked away, but theyre still there and you can get back in contact with them, it just takes loads of work and is really painful. Which is neat tbh

I've felt like I only have 75% of a soul for a long time. Its nice to think that I'm still a whole person inside, its just that parts are locked away. When I was reading the emotional neglect stuff, bits of memories were coming back. It was weird to notice that a tiny part of me felt an impulse to cry over it, but it was really easy to quash. It was like there was a placeholder emotion there. There was an emotion, like a subdued tension, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was like actually feeling the wall.. kind of like "oh yeah I have feelings about this but I'm actually genuinely not feeling them right now" like I didnt have to. It wasnt hard or anything. It wasn't really numb either. Just muted. placeholder

So yeah I've definitely got some narcissistic pathology that gets in the way of being functional, but it could be WAYYYYY worse. Its nice to feel like its not my fault for once? idk if that makes any sense. Its nice to understand that I might never get to be happy, but I can maybe find moments of peace. Its unrealistic to be able to live the life I want to, or to ever be satisfied, but I can get better at regulating and be a nicer person, and then existing might not be so painful

I think its going to be a long road of practising listening and gratitude and keeping things simple. None of those come naturally to me AT ALL. and then maybe it'll be possible to not have to always use myself as a map to understand the rest of the world or other people. Or to not always have to see myself through a lens of success and failure. If that's all that I know how to do, and I use myself as a map, then it makes sense why I'm like this . but mb it wont always have to be this way

#crazy stuff

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prof-peach · 3 years

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Hey- I have a sylveon I raise from when she was just an eevee, I love her very much but she is particularly aggressive towards dragons. So much so that she can barely resist a fight against one if they are far too strong for her. Is this just a fairy consistency or is this a different issue? Any suggestions on how to help her become friends with her dragon teammate and not maim them? Thanks!💖

This is incredibly unkind and hostile behaviour towards any dragons they come across, and as I, and many other dragon users can attest to, not all of them are battle minded, aggressive, or interested in being hurt when not in an active battle. This will be a big issue should you meet a dragon on the street, or in a built up area, and can lead to people and pokemon being hurt. This behaviour MUST be changed, to ensure the safety of your other team mates, who i’m sure are very unsettled and uncomfortable right now, plus mistrusting of you for allowing this aggression to go on. Not to mention the danger this poses to strangers and their team mates, who don’t want anything to do with you or an aggressive fairy pokemon. If this was the other way around, and you had a notoriously mean looking idk, Salamance or something, and it was behaving this way, your pokemon would be removed from your care SO fast. The industry likes to demonise big toothy species, and ignore the same issues within smaller more soft looking pokemon. Double standards if you ask me.

First things first, this is not a fairy thing, this is an aggression issue, fairy pokemon aren't inherently drawn towards dragon types in unkind ways, they can live beside them in peace a lot of the time, and even have great friendships with dragon pokemon, realising they have strengths that they do not possess themselves.

The biggest issue is that you've no doubt told your partner to NOT attack a dragon type, and she has ignored you. You are not the leader in this situation, and your partner has not got enough respect for you to listen and follow a command. This is where danger arises, as we trainers give commands to ensure our partners safety and the wellbeing of those around us.

I’m concerned that your pokemon is actively seeking battles, it sounds like they need more routine exercise, a tired pokemon will not fuss with another battle. try to expend as much of their energy as you can, and focus their attention on learning how to work beside your other pokemon. You said you have dragon types, those poor things are no doubt afraid of your Sylveon, that fear is because they know you cant stop your own partner from attacking them effectively. You need to show them that a team effort is better than fighting alone. Sylveon thinks they're above every dragon they come across, and one day they'll bite off way more than they can chew and get seriously hurt. Instead focus on team battles, work your dragons and your fairy types together, combining moves and attacks will show your Sylveon that theres more strength in working with them than against them. A pokemon like yours needs to learn respect for others, as a team, they could be unstoppable, but instead she’s hellbent on being the best alone.

SO first things first, you need to reestablish that you're the boss, Feeding time, you eat first, sit, have your lunch, your breakfast, whatever, and once you've done, give the others their meal. With regards to walking, the pokemon does not lead you, you lead them, walk ahead of them, and get them to follow behind, it’s a more submissive position. If they cant do this, then back in the ball, which isn't as fun and they’ll get the hint. Make sure when you ask for something, they do it, and if they do, they get a reward. Praise is given when they do the right thing, not just for existing. Discipline then affection, in that order, always.

Get the basics back in place and then see how she does. She has to respect you, and in turn she will get your respect and trust. Sounds like right now she’s running riot, and this is dangerous.

This is not unheard of, retraining a pokemon is time consuming, tough, and may seem harsh, but if you don’t, someone or something will get hurt. Its very easy to let things slip, especially with age old partners, i know, i’ve had to do this to several pokemon of my own over the years, and let me tell you its never easy, but it has to be done or you'll have your partner removed from your care for endangering the public. You’re not alone, we’ve all been there one way or another, look for training classes local to you, and test your leadership in safe and secure areas, where others cannot stray into the area and get hurt.

Be tough but fair. Good luck.

#pokemon #prof.peach #peach talks

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mogai-sunflowers · 2 years

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Hey! Please help!!! (You don't have to answer to this of course!)

Ive recently (like a year) discovered that im gender non conforming as well as a lesbian, i want to use all pronouns and i really dont like it when people can instantly tell that im afab

I also recently came out to a bunch of my friends about this, some gay and some cishet (unfortunately i dont have any trans or gender non conforming friends to share my experience with) and they've all been really nice about it! Two of them regularly using he and they when referring to me and the rest(the cishet ones).. not really trying but i cant fault them really?.. idk lol...i still use she so idk

They thing is tho... I used to REALLY hate it when people referred to me with 'she', to the point that i thought about asking everyone to refer to me only with he/they- but now that i came out? I really don't mind being called she?

I suddenly feel ok when using the first person pronoun she (my native has them) and the worst part is.. it feels off being called he or they? And that scares me. A lot

Like.. im finally in a position where i can be referred to and refer to myself exactly as i feel.. and suddenly.. im using the exact pronouns i was born with-

I feel like im faking???? I used to have MONTHS of just PURE MISERY cus of my body figure and people being able to tell im afab just by looking at me and being referred to with she made me wanna cry- but now after i came out? I dont care anymore??? I mean i still feel bummed about my figure and people knowing im afab and my high pitched voice and my chest- but i no longer care THAT much and like... Idc about being referred to with 'she' and getting called 'he' or 'they' feels off..- but i still wanna look androgynous and have people confused about my gender (thats the closest i got to gender non conforming in my country) BRUH IDK THIS IS HELL

Is this normal? I really hope coming out wasn't a mistake

Anon from a second ago! Idk why but i felt the need to mention that i also wish and hope to have facial hair in the future and i also ordered a binder since my chest makes me really uncomfortable... Idk just felt like that is an important bit of this special hell im going though hdjdh

this has taken me forever to respond to but hey! yes, this is normal! you aren’t faking, sometimes, pronouns just change! pronouns aren’t inherently correlated to gender for everyone, so just because you’re gnc and want more traditionally masculine features doesn’t mean you’re faking by being more comfortable with she/her! gender isn’t easy for everyone, if you want a flat chest, a beard, and to use she/her pronouns, then that’s absolutely valid and you should be able to have that! you’re not faking! sometimes, when you’re not out, getting referred to by your “birth” pronouns may feel dysphoric because they’re approaching it from a place of thinking you are something that you’re not, but now that you’re out they’re using them from a place of knowledge of who you are, so it’s different and that’s okay! hope you’re doing well anon.

#reign replies

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paenling · 3 years

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no ones saying you cant enjoy daniil? people like him as a character but mostly Because he’s an asshole and he’s interesting. the racism and themes of colonization in patho are so blatant

nobody said “by order of Law you are forbidden from enjoying daniil dankovsky in any capacity”, but they did say “if you like daniil dankovsky you are abnormal, problematic, and you should be ashamed of yourself”, so i’d call that an implicit discouragement at the least. not very kind.

regardless, he is a very interesting asshole and we love to make fun of him! but i do not plan to stop seeing his character in an empathetic light when appropriate to do so. we’re all terribly human.

regarding “the racism and themes of colonization in patho”, we’ve gotta have a sit-down for this one because it’s long and difficult. tl;dr here.

i’ve written myself all back and forth and in every direction trying to properly pin down the way i feel about this in a way that is both logically coherent and emotionally honest, but it’s not really working. i debated even responding at all, but i do feel like there are some things worth saying so i’m just going to write a bunch of words, pick a god, and pray it makes some modicum of sense.

the short version: pathologic 2 is a flawed masterwork which i love deeply, but its attempts to be esoteric and challenging have in some ways backfired when it comes to topical discussions such as those surrounding race, which the first game didn’t give its due diligence, and the second game attempted with incomplete success despite its best efforts.

the issue is that when you have a game that is so niche and has these “elevated themes” and draws from all this kind of academic highbrow source material -- the fandom is small, but the fandom consists of people who want to analyze, pathologize, and dissect things as much as possible. so let’s do that.

first: what exactly is racist or colonialist in pathologic? i’m legitimately asking. people at home: by what mechanism does pathologic-the-game inflict racist harm on real people? the fact that the Kin are aesthetically and linguistically inspired by the real-world Buryat people (& adjacent groups) is a potential red flag, but as far as i can tell there’s never any value judgement made about either the fictionalized Kin or the real-world Buryat. the fictional culture is esoteric to the player -- intended to be that way, in fact -- but that’s not an inherently bad thing. it’s a closed practice and they’re minding their business.

does it run the risk of being insensitive with sufficiently aggressive readings? absolutely, but i don’t think that’s racist by itself. they’re just portrayed as a society of human beings (and some magical ones, if you like) that has flaws and incongruences just as the Town does. it’s not idealizing or infantilizing these people, but by no means does it go out of its way to villainize them either. there is no malice in this depiction of the Kin.

is it the fact that characters within both pathologic 1 & 2 are racist? that the player can choose to say racist things when inhabiting those characters? no, because pathologic-the-game doesn’t endorse those things. they’re throwaway characterization lines for assholes. acknowledging that racism exists does not make a media racist. see more here.

however, i find it’s very important to take a moment and divorce the racial discussions in a game like pathologic 2 from the very specific experiences of irl western (particularly american) racism. it’s understandable for such a large chunk of the english-speaking audience to read it that way; it makes sense, but that doesn’t mean it’s correct. although it acknowledges the relevant history to some extent, on account of being set in 1915, pathologic 2 is not intended to be a commentary about race, and especially not current events, and especially especially not current events in america. it’s therefore unfair, in my opinion, to attempt to diagnose it with any concrete ideology or apply its messages to an american racial paradigm.

it definitely still deals with race, but it always, to me, seemed to come back around the exploitation of race as an ultimately arbitrary division of human beings, and the story always strove to be about human beings far more than it was ever about race. does it approach this topic perfectly? no, but it’s clearly making an effort. should we be aware of where it fails to do right by the topic? yes, definitely, but we should also be charitable in our interpretations of what the writers were actually aiming for, rather than reactionarily deeming them unacceptable and leaving it at that. do we really think the writers for pathologic 2 sat down and said “we’re going to go out of our way to be horrible racists today”? i don’t.

IPL’s writing team is a talented lot, and dybowski as lead writer has the kinds of big ideas that elevate a game to a work of art, particularly because he’s not afraid to get personal. on that front, some discussion is inescapable as pathologic 2 deals in a lot of racial and cultural strife, because it’s clearly something near to the his heart, but as i understand it was never really meant to be a narrative “about” race, at least not exclusively so, and especially not in the same sense as the issue is understood by the average American gamer. society isn't a monolith and the contexts are gonna change massively between different cultures who have had, historically, much different relationships with these concepts.

these themes are “so blatant” in pathologic 2 because clearly, on some level, IPL wanted to start a discussion. I think it’s obvious that they wanted to make the audience uncomfortable with the choices they were faced with and the characters they had to inhabit -- invoke a little ostranenie, as it were, and force an emotional breaking point. in the end the game started a conversation and i think that’s something that was done in earnest, despite its moments of obvious clumsiness.

regarding colonialism, this is another thing that the game is just Not About. we see the effects and consequences of colonialism demonstrated in the world of pathologic, and it’s something we’re certainly asked to think about from time to time, but the actual plot/narrative of the game is not about overcoming or confronting explicitly colonialist constructs, etc. i personally regard this as a bit of a missed opportunity, but it’s just not what IPL was going for.

instead they have a huge focus, as discussed somewhat in response to this ask, on the broader idea of powerful people trying to create a “utopia” at the mortal cost of those they disempower, which is almost always topical as far as i’m concerned, and also very Russian.

i think there was some interview where it was said that the second game was much more about “a mechanism that transforms human nature” than the costs of utopia, but it’s still a persistent enough theme to be worth talking about both as an abstraction of colonialism as well as in its more-likely intended context through the lens of wealth inequality, environmental destruction & government corruption as universal human issues faced by the marginalized classes. i think both are important and intelligent readings of the text, and both are worth discussion.

both endings of pathologic 2 involve sacrifice in the name of an “ideal world” where it’s impossible to ever be fully satisfied. in the Diurnal Ending, Artemy is tormented over the fate of the Kin and the euthanasia of his dying god and all her miracles, but he needs to have faith that the children he’s protected will grow up better than their parents and create a world where he and his culture will be immortalized in love. in the Nocturnal Ending, he’s horrified because in preserving the miracle-bound legacy of his people as a collective, he’s un-personed himself to the individuals he loves, but he needs to have faith that the uniqueness and magic of the resurrected Earth was precious enough to be worth that sacrifice. neither ending is fair. it’s not fair that he can’t have both, but that’s the idea. because that “utopia” everyone’s been chasing is an idol that distracts from the important work of being a human being and doing your best in a flawed world.

because pathologic’s themes as a series are so very “Russian turn-of-the-century” and draw a ton of stylistic and topical inspiration from the theatre and literature of that era, i don’t doubt that it’s also inherited some of its inspirational literature’s missteps. however, because the game’s intertextuality is so incredibly dense it’s difficult to construct a super cohesive picture of its actual messaging. a lot of its references and themes will absolutely go over your head if you enter unprepared -- this was true for me, and it ended up taking several passes and a bunch of research to even begin appreciating the breadth of its influences.

(i’d argue this is ultimately a good thing; i would never have gone and picked up Camus or Strugatsky, or even known who Antonin Artaud was at all if i hadn’t gone in with pathologic! my understanding is still woefully incomplete and it’s probably going to take me a lot more effort to get properly fluent in the ideology of the story, but that’s the joy of it, i think. :) i’m very lucky to be able to pursue it in this way.)

anyway yes, pathologic 2 is definitely very flawed in a lot of places, particularly when it tries to tackle race, but i’m happy to see it for better and for worse. the game attempts to discuss several adjacent issues and stumbles as it does so, but insinuating it to be in some way “pro-racist” or “pro-colonialist” or whatever else feels kind of disingenuous to me. they’re clearly trying, however imperfectly, to do something intriguing and meaningful and empathetic with their story.

even all this will probably amount to a very disjointed and incomplete explanation of how pathologic & its messaging makes me feel, but what i want -- as a broader approach, not just for pathologic -- is for people to be willing to interpret things charitably.

sometimes things are made just to be cruel, and those things should be condemned, but not everything is like that. it’s not only possible but necessary to be able to acknowledge flaws or mistakes and still be kind. persecuting something straight away removes any opportunity to examine it and learn from it, and pathologic happens to be ripe with learning experiences.

it’s all about being okay with ugliness, working through difficult nuances with grace, and the strength of the human spirit, and it’s a story about love first and foremost, and i guess we sort of need that right now. it gave me some of its love, so i’m giving it some of my patience.

#meta #discourse #long post #ipl #writing #Anonymous #slight edit for colonialism #untitled plague game #pathologic

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dogduocatquartet · 3 years

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@kung-slinger i genuinely almost don’t know what to say to this reply, it reads as if you didn’t even look at my post before responding. i specifically said very clearly that i don’t have anything against pit bulls and nowhere did i imply anything about violence being a need for that or any other breed of dog.

dogs will more often than not prefer to avoid fighting, they have a complex language which in large part consists of navigating around conflict (similar to wolves, since you bring that up, since they’re both social species and good communication skills are essential for functioning in groups). there are many breeds of dog that, due to a number of factors, have weaker or less clear body language than others (language between dogs is also in no small part learned, so socialization is also a factor here). pit bulls are generally considered one of these breeds, which makes a lot of the signals they send out disappear or get misunderstood, leading to heightened stress and may accidentally end up in a fight/bite even though the pit bull may have been trying to signal “i need some space”. the exact same could be said for a retriever with poor body language due to lacking socialization. a lot of owners also punish dogs’ ways of communication, such as growling (“leave me alone”), unintentionally leading to their language growing even poorer and instead of a ladder of escalating signals, the dog in question may end up jumping straight from “this is starting to become uncomfortable” to biting, rather than modifying their language accordingly and having opportunity to remove themselves from the situation. none of this is exclusive to pit bulls, but a higher tendency of conflicts CAN be seen in breeds that have poor body language, just as with dogs that are poorly socialized with other dogs.

if the word “aggression” makes you uncomfortable, let’s call it “stress” instead. a stressed dog may engage in behavior we consider aggressive, so these often overlap or are basically interchangeable anyway. some breeds are more predisposed to stress around either other members of the same sex as them or just other dogs in general, though again there are many factors to consider as to why this is. it’s been a while since i read up on this specifically, so anyone is free to correct me on this, but breeds with same-sex stress often have a higher production of hormones, making them more “competitive” with members of the same sex. for wolves, this can be a useful trait if they break off from their original family group (that’s generally what wolf packs are; two parent wolves and their children) to mate, establish their own territory, and create a new familial group (aka pack). akitas, frenchies, shibas, and st. bernards are some other dog breeds that have a relatively high occurrence of same-sex stress. terriers, guarding breeds, and herding dogs tend to have this in higher degrees than hunting or companion breeds. but again, ymmv.

stress, aggression, fights etc. between dogs are also often triggered by resource guarding. any dog can have issues with resource guarding, but breeds that have typically been bred to guard often have a higher tendency of this, and may be quicker to escalate the situation, because that’s what they’ve been bred for. dogs that have been bred to be independent and guard the home also have a higher tendency to “deal with” conflicts on their own, than dogs bred to be more handler-oriented. again, these are things to consider when getting a dog. for some people, these traits are desirable, for some they’re a downside that other traits weigh up for, for others it’s a dealbreaker. all of these are fine, and should honestly be encouraged more, because, as i said, not all dogs are suited for any person, and not all people are suited for any dog.

the reason pit bulls are often overrepresented in discussions of shelters/rescues is partly because it’s more of an umbrella term than a very coherent breed, referring to bull-type terriers and mixes thereof. there technically IS the american pit bull terrier, though this is not a breed recognized by the FCI or the AKC. regardless, a lot of different dogs often get lumped into the same category, especially when the history of the dog is unknown and it kind of looks like a bull-type terrier breed. ive seen plenty of “pit bulls” that probably have more pinscher or molosser/mastiff in them than bull-type terriers. so just on that alone, you have a huge span of dogs with varying temperaments and historical uses, and that’s before you consider more “immediate” factors like genetic lines and socialization (or nurture, if you will). there’s also the fact that due to their appearance, history, and reputation, there are a lot of terrible bull-type breeders out there, who breed for unethical reasons or for profit, which in turn produces a higher amount of dogs with poor backgrounds and poor parentage, which in turn makes a lot of these dogs end up in shelters (good breeders will commonly take the dogs back if there’s an issue or the owner has to surrender it, so more bad breeders = more dogs in shelters). this is not the dogs’ fault, obviously. in my experience, huskies and border collies are also breeds that make up a big chunk of shelter populations, because they might be cute when they’re puppies, but they often end up being more demanding than someone just wanting a family dog can handle. no amount of nurture can change an individual dog’s energy level or need for stimulation. what you CAN do is meet the dog’s needs. this is not the same thing as nature vs nurture. i cant love or train away a husky’s energy level, but i can let it use its natural resources by taking it for longer/more frequent walks/runs, maybe do some sledding/pulling/packing with it, making it a happier and more well-adjusted dog.

i recently saw a family with a staffordshire bull terrier who was very sweet with them and all around a great dog, but who would bark and pull incessantly whenever he’d see another dog. they had no idea how or why this happened, as he was otherwise really nice and they’d tried to socialize him a lot as a puppy. turns out, what they’d done when the dog was younger was let him meet every single dog they saw or walked past on the street, which created an expectation which created stress which ended up in very strong “stay away from me!!!” signals (barking, showing teeth, leaning forward). this is extremely common for dog owners of all breeds and it’s honestly both annoying and saddening, because no dog needs to befriend every dog they happen across, and it’s often counterproductive and create stress instead, especially since leashes limit a dog’s body language. your dog can hate every other dog in the world, but as long as they can walk past them without acting out, it’s literally not a problem. some dog breeds are less inclined to get along with other dogs, and that’s fine! they don’t need to hang with other dogs to be happy and if you train them to walk past other dogs it’ll likely never be an issue. like i said earlier on, dogs will almost always try to avoid conflict when they can, so you’ll be doing you, your dog, and other people and dogs a favor if you stop trying to “socialize” your dog that doesn’t like other dogs with said other dogs, and instead focusing on walking well on a leash. which is something that all dog owners should be aware of, not just owners of breeds that aren’t generally sociable with other dogs or people outside its family, which are typical traits of bull-type terriers.

and just to sum it up and really spell it out: i don’t think any dog is born “aggressive”. i think genetics, socialization, instincts, and training all play a role, and sometimes you can do everything right and still get a stressed dog that may lash out. dogs have also been selectively bred for all kinds of purposes by humans for thousands of years, so dogs of different breeds and origins may have very different behaviors, reactions, and instincts that we’ve often deliberately created. it’s bizarre and just plain wrong to state that all dogs and all dog breeds are born essentially with the same configuration and everything else is just “nurture”. pit bulls are often singled out or used as examples like in the post i reblogged because of their high density in shelters combined with their bad reputation, media sensationalism, and stereotypes. they’re not inherently worse or better than other dogs. they’re similar to rottweilers to me; fine dogs, can be great family pets, but you should know what you’re getting beforehand because they’re big strong dogs that may possess strong prey drive, same-sex stress, or guarding instincts + for which there are a lot of shitty breeders. id say the same for poodles or retrievers honestly; they can be high energy and were originally hunting dogs, so you should do your research, as with any other breed. i feel like over-defending and figuratively “defanging” pit bulls may end up doing more harm than good, even if the intentions are good, because downplaying a dog or breed’s potentially negative traits and specific needs will likely just result in the dog ending up with people who don’t know what they’re doing and who were expecting, like.. a bichon in terms of temperament and drive. how about we all just have a normal, neutral, informed approach to these breeds instead of this insane, eternal discourse where both sides can be equally fanatical? thanks

#replies #dogblr #dogs #long post #????? you are projecting thoughts and opinions i do not have and have never expressed onto me

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dog-teeth · 4 years

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hi, do u mind if i ask a Gender Question (TM)? ig u could say im agender bc i dont rlly have a strong connection to any particular gender (maybe male if i had to choose), but i have a strong desire to present as binary bc i rlly just wanna have a normal life. im experiencing a lot of distress lately bc i cant decide which gender to present as (i just want to choose one and stick with it). my bf (a trans man) says "striving for normality" is a toxic mindset. do u have any thoughts on this? tysm

presentation and identity do not always have to be the same. ultimately, what you want & therefore what is best for you is doing whatever makes you most comfortable with yourself and your life. if you want to present as a binary gender, that’s a valid choice. however i would say that you might run into other issues. presenting as a binary trans person does Not mean you’ll have a “normal” life, binary trans people still face a lot of issues equal to us nonbinary people (even if different), and you may end up finding that getting misgendered or misunderstood makes you dysphoric or otherwise uncomfortable.

i do very much understand the desire to want to be one gender and be fine with it, sometimes i feel the same. but if you really arent connected to either gender to the point that u cant even choose which one you would want to present as, i think you might find that “choosing one and sticking with it” might not work. if you think you would be fine with being misgendered and not out to people as nonbinary then thats fine, theres no pressure to transition socially as a nonbinary person if you don’t want to. if you want to present as a binary gender, do it because its what would make you most comfortable, not because you want to have a ‘normal’ life, though those can go hand in hand. its confusing.

i’m an agender/genderfluid/nonbinary person who is physically transitioning essentially the same way that is typically expected of trans men (hrt + hopefully top surgery some day). when i went to university last semester, people in school read me as male, and i had no problem with it for the most part. i didn’t give a shit about my classmates knowing my gender, they used he/him pronouns for me and thats all that mattered to me. i came out as nonbinary to my friends, and being read as male made my life a lot easier because i didn’t have to come out to all my professors and classmates which is a stressful process. however, after a while i did start to feel weird and misunderstood and alone because of this. no one saw me as what i actually am, and it was distressing sometimes. i’m not a man, and existing in the world as a man (in the eyes of those around me) was not right. but idk if its better or worse than being out as nonbinary and having to deal with ignorant cis people. and it was certainly better than if i had started college pre-T and gotten misgendered as female instead.

my other point of reference other than myself for this topic would be stone butch blues, a classic in trans/nonbinary literature. the author leslie feinberg wrote the main character to reflect their experiences and identity. the character, while not feeling male or female, chooses to present as male for safety purposes so they can lead a ‘normal’ life in terms of work and generally existing in the world, while still being trans/nb in their personal/love life. so this example i’d say shows that this isn’t something new, other people have experienced this too, even going back to the 60′s in america when the book is set.

the other thing is, not every nonbinary person is an activist, and not every nonbinary person wants to deal with the enormous weight of being nonbinary in a binary-run world. “striving for normality” isn’t inherently bad. some people just want to fit in and have their life be as easy as possible in regards to their gender, and that’s fine! being out as nonbinary all the time and presenting as nonbinary is very often difficult. if you don’t want that to be a part of your life, and you would be content presenting as a binary gender, then that’s an alright choice for you to make.

being nonbinary means something different to everyone. presentation is different for every nonbinary person. you don’t have to strive to be androgynous and visibly nonbinary if that isnt what you want.

its complicated, ultimately do whatever you think would make you happiest. and you can always experiment and change your mind later

#ez answers #sorry this is so long #advice #gender stuff #Anonymous

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themeed · 3 years

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damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

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pokemoncoloursplash · 4 years

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i support the right for everyone to use whatever pronouns theyre comfortable with, even though i dont entirely understand neopronouns, because i dont have to understand things to support and respect them!! you and your pronouns are completely valid and you deserve respect!! (also you absolutely dont have to explain neopronouns or anything, i dont wanna put pressure on you to have to explain your identity to a stranger, but if youd like to explain thatd be cool!! id like to understand better!!)

I can certainly try to explain! It might be a bit long winded lol but I'll do my best. I'll also quickly add this is from a very English-focused stance, I cant say how this works in other languages. Also, if anyone else wishes to add on I would love to hear!

So basic recap: pronouns are simply alternative words to using the noun of something. She, him, it, that, ect. It's faster and flows better in language to make sentences less cluttered.

In the days long past, the only pronouns for people were "he" and "they". The creation and eventual mass usage of "she" didnt start until around the mid 12 century. I discuss this as a way of showing that language changes over time and that words are not inherent to one specific thing.

And neopronouns are not new. "Thon" was coined in 1884! They have always existed. When you think about it, he/him had to be new at one point too.

So now today we have many MANY pronouns. Fae, it, xe, ney, nounself pronouns, emoji pronouns. The thing about language is that it is very flexible but also carries a lot of meaning.

In one of my English classes we learned that with metaphors there is a "signifier" and a "signified". When you say a word, our brains automatically associate with what that word is. "Cow" invokes the image of a cow. This is part of why names are so important. Pronouns are similar.

Back to common pronouns for a moment. When we consider how words have a "signified", pronouns like she and he have associations. While words are not gendered, they are associated with gender. Thus, many may be uncomfortable with those associations. Similarly, while they/them is officially recognized as a singular pronoun it still has associations of being plural.

Now we consider neopronouns. These are words that have no associations. Perhaps someone likes how "xe" flows in a sentence, or they find "ney" easier to pronounce. Maybe "fae" feels more whimsical and personal, or "zhe/hir" for how subtle it sounds in public. Maybe "kit" reminds someone of cats and that's an important aspect of themself, same as for nounself pronouns. Pronouns are kind of like clothes in that sense, they allow people to have the things they love or identify with part of their name. Theres power in that.

And dont even get me STARTED on emoji pronouns! I love emoji pronouns! I could write an entire essay on them, on how language evolves in the modern era and how technology allows for this evolution to take place. Its utterly fascinating and I love it.

I apologize for the lengthy response, if I wasnt so far into my degree I'd love to study linguistic anthropology because all of this is just so interesting.

The tl;dr is that language has a lot of flow and potential for evolution, and the ability to create pronouns has a lot of power, whatever that reason may be.

#long post #decima speaks #not an edit #pronouns #discussion #neopronouns

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gcldenchild · 3 years

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let it be known that goldie is not okay by any stretch of the imagination.

as shown in the ask post, he has some serious mental health issues. his most pressing? his suicidal tendencies and thoughts. this covers how those came to be, and how they’ve affected him throughout his life.

to say that he’d always dealt with it is inaccurate, but it certainly has been persistent for a good portion of his life, even before the attempt at transmutation.

at first, it was only the thoughts. they were minor, of course. after his mom died and he and al were truly left orphaned, ed had wondered if it was because he existed that their dad left. hohenheim was crying in that one photo they had together, after all. it always stuck at the back of his mind, and thus began the fantasizing in order to somehow justify what had happened to him and his brother.

he grew a mild fascination with death. constantly envisioning what it would’ve been like if he’d never been born- or died before he could damage his parents relationship somehow- and how al would’ve lived afterwards.

how al would’ve felt having a normal family to take care of him for his whole childhood, instead of it being completely taken away when he was only four.

part of it stemmed from an inherent longing to see his mother again in some fashion, twisted into childlike fantasies where he’s the one to die first and watches on from whatever kind of heaven he’d go to, reunited when the rest of his family passed on. peacefully.

he didn’t want to deal with grief anymore, but he couldn’t deny his true reality. their mother was gone, their shithead father was nowhere to be seen, and the house was unbearably lonely. things began to get overwhelming. he’d begun to grow slightly delirious in his study of alchemy.

most of it is masked as enthusiasm. it becomes a subconscious habit to talk about alchemy with a fake sense of determination, in order to fool the people around him into believing he wasn’t losing his mind understanding the greater world of science ahead of him, with every single word he’d read swirling around in his brain as he attached it all to the fading face of his father.

yock island, though instilling a certain lesson, does intense damage to his psyche. it was the first time he’d started to grow uncomfortable with his own fascinations. at this point, it wasn’t his own life at stake- it was al’s, too. he’d already started losing it by studying things for days on end, but nearly starving to death with his brother really put things into perspective.

he learned the meaning of all is one and one is all, but the cost could not be justifiable. not when a pool of fear stirred in his gut constantly, him finally aware of the true nature behind all his “harmless” fantasies.

he tried to shut them out. to ignore them. and then izumi had to go and warn them to never commit the taboo of human transmutation.

something broke in ed the day he even suggested that they try to find a way to crack human transmutation. so much had grown. he’d barely been able to get up that morning. even still, he acted like everything was normal. like he wasn’t struggling to even stand, being crushed under the weight of his spiraling, pent up emotions and thoughts.

he just talks with al, and something in him just... breaks. completely. he can’t bear the weight of it all anymore, and he finally talks, from the darkest recesses of his soul.

“i think we could bring mom back.”

he wishes al could’ve known better. he regrets ever saying those words, ever pushing his brother to help him with it all, ever placing his hands on that transmutation circle.

for a brief moment, he feels like he dies. it’s almost satisfying, to him. and then he wakes up in the fucking gate, truth taking his leg as payment. and then- the fucking thing they brought to life, for the cost of al’s whole body and his leg. it spits blood, reaches out at him, and he has to literally resist the urge to retch and let himself bleed out.

he only continues for al. to get al back. al didn’t deserve this. he was only ten, damnit.

it gets worse. he screams during his automail surgery, ranting about anything he can think of, trying to keep himself breathing. trying to push through it all for alphonse. everything is boiling over, and he can’t handle it.

he slowly begins to develop anger as a protective shield. it’s the only way he’s able to shut everything in his head up. the only time it begins to boil over to a point he can’t control is when he can’t bring himself to be angry.

ed still cared for other people, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. he still does good things out of his own natural moral code. unfortunately, though, being that nice? it actively hurt him, because it lets the chaos spiraling in his stomach return. he’d barely be able to get up the next day without a solid thirty minutes of extra “sleep.”

his naps become ways for him to cope with the hellish cacophony. it’s just so much easier to yell and not acknowledge the fact that people want to help him, no matter how much he may need it.

when nina happens, the nightmare that follows- although not the first of its kind- is one of the only ones to render him inconsolable upon waking. he can’t just go back to sleep, but he can’t talk, either. he has to sit through it, with his heightened breath, the heavy feeling in his chest practically choking him the entire time.

he shuts people out. he shuts his own brother out. the normal facade serves its purpose well.

when scar almost kills him, he is pained to say that the conflict in his head is wildly disproportionate.

living for al’s sake is outclassed by the want to die.

it’s the first example of his thoughts breaking out from their prison. he was ready to accept death, above all else. and then al punches him for being stupid. with everything having already snapped, he can only respond as if he were a deer in headlights, unable to truly comprehend the situation.

things just get worse. and worse. and worse. he can’t cope with it all. his anger keeps exploding, trying to protect him from himself. to keep him from going through with some of those thoughts and just sacrificing himself to get his own brother’s body back, as if the world would be better off without him.

to an extent, he was convinced it would. he never acted upon it consciously, however.

ed would never make a direct attempt. he’d do stupidly self-sacrificial things sometimes, yes, but he’d never try to kill himself outright. he wouldn’t want al to see- al had already had enough death in his life, and ed didn’t want to burden him with both his own death and the fact he was his own murderer at once.

this doesn’t stop the fantasies from getting worse. though. nor does it stop him from looking at himself in the mirror, hallucinating both the feel and sight of choking himself. (not like that would be the only way, though, of course. he’d imagined so many, over and over, and they played in his head constantly.)

he thinks about it so, so much. al is the only thing to keep him grounded. his little brother is the only being that grounds him.

it doesn’t stop him from doing things to harm himself, though. when he’s alone, he finds himself knocking against the side of his own head hard or pulling on his hair to intentionally cause pain. his head becomes sensitive, but only because hes desperate to do anything to drown everything out.

one could even find scratch marks along his arm from when he gripped onto it too hard during one of his fits, paired with the tips of his automail having a sharper edge. he hates letting people see those, but at least they’re faint. he can play them off as simple wounds from getting into a fight. the bruises are a different story, but its not as if he cant make something else up to explain them.

he panics when people see through his facade, and retaliates with even worse anger. he goes on the attack like a caged animal because deep down, he WANTS help. it’s just hard for him to even receive it before he’s been completely, utterly broken for that day.

being separated from al is debilitating.

even though he knows that alphonse can handle himself, it still does not change the fact that he’s become unhealthily dependent on him. al is his entire reason for living, and being far from that tether eats away at what composure he has left.

when he’s impaled, he wasn’t even sure if what he was going to do would even work. to envision himself as a philosopher’s stone? he’d never had that sort of a handle on his own soul before.

as he’d seen with envy, though, the yelling of everything inside him, screaming to be let out perfectly matched the stones of the homunculi. ed saved his own life, only letting himself live for alphonse, wherever he may have gone.

the months of being separated are fucking torture.

or, at least, they are, for only a while. by the time he was in alenthaal, ed had grown ... unnaturally hopeless. even though he looked fine, almost everyone in town saw through his mask.

luitumi is the one to break him first.

“edward?” “yeah, whats up, luitumi?” “you don’t need to pretend anymore.”

he’s completely dumbfounded. she attacks him right at his core. naturally, he puts up his shield, trying to force her out. to get her away from his problems. and then she fucking takes his normal hand, squeezes it, and looks at him with those unwavering glass eyes, and he breaks.

it’s all let out at once. every thought swirling around manifests as panicked crying, yelling, whining- really, anything he can verbalize. he says “you don’t know anything,” and she shuts him up completely by saying “i wouldn’t be talking to you if i didn’t, edward.”

she doesn’t destroy his shield. she takes the other route of forcing him to put it down.

ed still doesn’t remember a lot from that day, other than the feeling of being hugged by multiple people at once. the entirety of team lazarus.

emotionally drained, he can barely get up the next day, too. but instead of suffering through it by himself, he can feel a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him through it.

he’d fallen asleep inside the living room, and lucaun and carson were waiting for him the next morning. luitumi was making food with yularosá, and cobalt was talking with heinkel and darius and greed.

it’s ... sickeningly domestic.

and yet, it wasn’t something he’d experienced since mom died. he hadn’t felt this familial safety since then, not even at the rockbell house. luitumi had broken down his walls in a single night, most likely fueled by whatever emotions charity had been able to pick up on, and now the rest of the people who could be considered “friends” in this fucking town are doing what they can to help.

talking with any of them about his feelings becomes mandatory. they don’t give him a choice, and for some reason, he can’t bring himself to fight it. the better part of him knows that he needs it.

at first, its twice a day. usually luitumi and lucaun handle it. cobalt and carson deal with his constantly presenting daddy issues, though. carson knew the feeling of growing up with a dad who didn’t love him (and, initially, no dad at all), and cobalt knew the feeling of fucking hating his own father.

his need for a parental figure slowly dies down. cobalt will never be a father to him, just like mustang, but he’s okay with that. cobalt doesn’t have any legal standing over him unlike the colonel, and he’s a lot more fucking comfortable with that.

cobalt doesnt have to pretend like he’s a father in any capacity for ed. what he does is out of his own heart, not because he sees ed as a ward.

at least, that’s what ed believes. and he likes it like that. people not pretending to be things they aren’t helps him shut away that one need.

it moves to once a day. he trails them a lot. his attachment issues come into presence, but they keep reminding him that its okay to need someone. slowly but surely, he’s able to deal with being left alone, though not for very long.

it moves to every other day. his thoughts are a lot less loud than he remembers them being.

it moves to only twice a week. the first time ed doesn’t artificially smile is for their christmas and new years celebrations, when luitumi drags him into the dancing circle with her. the whole thing reminds him of some of the celebrations they used to have in resembool in the summer. he says he’s not a good dancer, but luitumi doesn’t care. he lets her take the lead for the start, and just like everything else in his life, he learns fast.

he finally begins smiling, completely free of his thoughts for once. he actually has fun that isn’t tethered to everything he’s been building up for over these many years.

alenthaal becomes his safe place. “whats said in alenthaal, stays in alenthaal.” he genuinely believes it to be true.

when the promised day draws closer and closer, he promises to come back. it’s not just al he’s living for, anymore. he’s living for this town, too, full of people who make him feel safe.

when al sacrifices himself to bring his arm back, it sets ed back what feels like years. his anger returns, completely unstoppable, and his one focus is to kill father. and then greed dies.

it just gets worse. even with the bastard gone, his progress is still set back significantly.

he yells at hohenheim. calls him a rotten father. he didnt want to deal with any of that self sacrificial garbage, not because that was the man who left them, but because thats exactly what ed does.

he thinks. thinks so, so hard. finally, he draws out the circle, everything finally becoming clear.

he sacrifices his own alchemy. ed doesn’t need it anymore, not when it’s caused him and his brother so much pain.

he has the town of alenthaal. he has his friends. he has his family.

who needs alchemy, when he’s got them?

and he beats truth, in his own special way. al is brought back. even though they spend months in rehabilitation, ed’s head is so much clearer than its ever been.

he returns home resembool. everything was worth it.

when he visits alenthaal once again, luitumi’s changed. she’s permanently merged with charity as a result of the promised day. they become two extremes- a complete lack of any alchemy at all, and a newfound power that still has so much unknown alchemy to tap into. even still, they share that hug, ed having kept his promise to not die.

he does his best to be more open. alenthaal is his safe haven, but having more than one isn’t impossible.

in the time before he goes off to the west, he tries to open up, bit by bit. its hard. the thoughts aren’t gone, and he knows they never will be. he’ll still have times where he’s rendered useless by them all, but this time, winry and al are there to help.

his emotions are genuine. his smiles are genuine. he doesn’t have to fake anymore.

when decides to study alchemy in the west, he knows every possible risk. he continues, despite the danger, because this would be his way of coming to terms with what happened to hohenheim. he ties alchemy to him, and even in death, that doesn’t change.

his father is gone. his father was one of the greatest alchemists the world had seen.

so ed will just overcome him, even without being able to perform alchemy anymore. he’ll prove that he’s more than just his kid. he’ll make his dad proud, as much as he hates calling him by that name.

luitumi joins him on his journey. they ground eachother. neither will have to deal with their pain alone, not this time. ed knows suffering through it isn’t an option for him anymore.

the thoughts will return, once in a while.

ed no longer shuts them out at this point. he lets them be, allowing them to stir until the mental soup is done. until his head finally becomes clear.

#tw suicidal thoughts #cw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #cw suicide mention #tw self harm #cw self harm #goldie is seriously fucked this is a general warning #post promised day hes a lot better but before it? he still needs consistent help. things still constantly overwhelm him.#even though he gets a lot better at dealing with it in alenthaal it still very much is all there.#this is also a uhhh super fucking long post HGDJHS #{|❂|} THE GOLDEN CHILD | edward.#{|❂|} HE WHO TRAVELS THE STARS | info.

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og-danny-dorito · 4 years

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[#2] Alfie Solomons With An Ace!S/O

Heyyy it’s been like, forever since i did one of these but regardless here i am with another one UwU. If you hav any requests or suggestions you can leave them either in my ask/submission box or in the comments on this post. I think that @time-is-a-lake suggested these, so thanks for that broski ;) These are a little longer than my last ones, but i hope you enjoy them anyway.

- So since this takes place in 1920's Birmingham and asexuality was most recently recognized officially in 2001 by a dude named David Jay, you can already imagine the mild amount of confusion people you try to explain this to would have

- Assuming you've watched Peaky Blinders (if not then you may very likely not understand what im about to say), the show is pretty much full of sex. Like, every other episode. Just basing it off of my basic knowledge of Birmingham in the 1920's and the whole operation they had going on there i would assume that this would be considered not only weird, but inherently abnormal in terms of physical health

- Now we know that that's not the case and that its natural for some to not identify with a generalized sexuality, but due to social and medical beliefs at the time, telling you big bear of a mans would probably raise some red flags for him

- He's never really been the type to listen to what people say unless it's important, or listen to what people say if they're criticizing his partner, but in this case he might view it as a medical issue

- The first time you tell him he's a little confused. It’s up to you whether or not you're actually going to be direct about it, but he'll initially assume it's because you're not attracted to him in particular

- Maybe you've gotten tired of him? Maybe this is just another way of saying you wanna back out? Or maybe-

- generally after an explanation, he'll get it a little more but still have questions

- "Is it like,, some sort-of malfunction. Y'know, in yeh head???" ( forgive me i cant write accents ) Alfie doesn't exactly get it at first because that cant be normal, right??? It just doesn't make sense??? Isn't it human nature to want to breed??? Needless to say this sort of challenges his whole thought process in terms of human biology even though his knowledge is a bit limited due to A) the time period and B) because he hasn't really had an education like that (he's intelligent, don't get me wrong, but the public education consisted of the "Three R's" which were reading, writing and arithmetic and some semblance of physical education and that was for boys. So you can assume the amount of education he had, excluding the fact that he's jewish and grew up in a complicated situation (see bottom for cited source))

- Regardless, even if he did have medical knowledge that was advanced for the time he still wouldn't know much about this so he has A LOT of questions

- Initially he's going to ask if you don't "y'know, get it up" or something like that. Explaining how it works and the limits and idea to your sexuality generally takes some time for him to understand and process fully since it isn't really considered natural in this time period. It kind of takes a while to accept it as well since he (believe it or not) thinks it's partially his fault

- In some way he's going to think it's because he failed somehow. He knows subconsciously he couldn't have done anything to "fix" it even though theres nothing wrong with you but he's half convinced its because he's not attractive. Keep in mind, he's had pretty much no experience with this, so bear with him. He straight up doesn't know what the fuck to do.

- Some reassurance goes a long way in these sorts of situations, however. You're probably going to have to let him know that it’s really, honestly nothing he did and that you're always been like this. You don't love him anybody less than you would if you WERE sexually engaged, and in turn he loves you just the same as well

- It takes some getting used to, but honestly he's overjoyed that you two didn't break it off just because of that. It turns out not really affecting your life together that much since he can just "take care of it" by himself and get it over with, but his attitude towards you doesn't change much...or at least it doesn't change much after a while of being together (dude finds himself getting them “urges” but he DOESN’T want to make you feel pressured to take care of his problems so he doesnt say shit about it)

- Initially he's sort of afraid that certain touches will make you uncomfortable. Like sitting in his lap? He views that as inherently sexual and so if you DO do that he's automatically going to think 'but i thought you said???' And just furrow his brows for a little bit. BUT after eventually seeing that it DOESN'T have to be sexual he sorta finds himself enjoying it

- Like YES please sit in his lap and read to him, he's so soft for all that sweet shit that it's sickening. It takes a while to get used to, but he eventually figures out that it's really not worth breaking up over. you're still you and you're still his Ride Or Die Partner In CrimeTM so it's fine with him. You still mean the world to him anyway, and he will constantly remind you of it regardless of what others may think

- But even if you believe his approval is all you want, god forbid anyone say something negative about you

- This man defends his pride and joy like it isn't anyone else's business (cause its not really), and someone WILL get their brains blown out of the other side of their head if they say a damn thing that sounds less than friendly. "Is it broke?" Or "Must have a screw loose in the head." Or anything along those lines will not fly. Unless you deliberately tell him not too he will definitely- ehem -“get rid of the problem”. But he might do it anyway even if you tell him not to because he's just like that - -;

- Overall, he's a bit confused and conflicted at first, but eventually learns to accept it how it is. He's definitely going to have some questions, and will probably always be getting used to it due to how rare it is, but he still loves you regardless of this. Boyfriend rating : 9/10 needs some improvement the first few weeks but overall one of the best after the improvement period

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Who Should I do Next? Let me know in my inbox/submissions, or in the comments below! Thanks for reading!

(Source i mentioned https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C9BKJA_enUS829US829&hl=en-US&ei=0LvAXsfTA4yQtAbz95yQBg&q=how+was+education+in+1910%27s+england&oq=how+was+education+in+1910%27s+england&gs_lcp=ChNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwEAMyBQgAEM0COgQIABBHUKNdWLheYNtfaABwAXgAgAF6iAHSAZIBAzEuMZgBAKABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp )

N U M B E R 1 / KYLO REN : https://og-danny-dorito.tumblr.com/post/617480410048380928/1-kylo-ren-with-an-aceso

N U M B E R 3 : COMING SOON

#Peaky Blinders #peaky blinders imagine #Peaky blinders headcanon #peaky blinders headcanons #peaky blinders imagines #Alfie Solomons #alfie solomons imagine #alfie solomons imagines #Alfie solomons headcanon #alfie solomons headcanons #bbc #bbc peaky blinders

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nonbinary-watanuki · 3 years

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So antifalockhart/antifasuccubus messaged me the following. there is a lot to unpack here so lets get started from what you’re saying and have posted, it seems youre operating under the assumption i made the callout post. i didnt. im not particularly offended you made this assumption and i can see why you would, seeing as i did follow and interact with you in the past. i unfollowed you before the callout was posted because i was feeling a bit uncomfortable with the asks you were responding to and i dont mess with my blacklist really, so i figured id just unfollow and follow back when your q&a was done. i didnt look into any of the hentai you had listed as your favorites because i didnt think much of it, i just kinda scrolled past it because hentai isnt really my cup of tea anyways. youve also implied in your response that this is because people are upset that you post about nsfw topics at all, which is not. i personally dont care that you post nsfw, while i dont post any on my blog i dont mind it on my dash. this is purely about you watching rape/cp.

i am truly sorry you had to go through that experience, it sounds horrific and absolutely terrifying. im glad youre away from that situation and are on a road to recovery, grooming is one of the most traumatic experiences one can go through and i think you continuing to try to live with it and move past it is brave. however. many people who do draw and write cp have also went through the same or very similar situations, and you seem to be implying that people who produce this content and say they have trauma are lying. im not defending them when i say this, but this is how you are coming across in these messages. trauma is hard to work through and i do not take issue with someone who does things like sexualize their trauma in private to work through what theyve been through. but you openly post about rape and cp in a way that endorses it. yes, openly claiming something as your favorite to someone who asks is endorsement. you dont have to specifically encourage people to seek it, the fact that you posted about it at all is already encouragement enough.

comparing you to someone who draws or writes cp is not a false equivalent. while it might upset you to read this, it’s the truth. these are not unsubstantiated claims either, you openly listed your favorite hentai, all of which featured rape, some of which involving underage characters, and at least one of which containing a graphic scene of a child kicking, screaming, crying, and bleeding. you cant claim to condemn people who make cp but also openly watch, endorse, and enjoy the very content they create in the first place. you cant have it both ways, thats not how any of this works.

i do not appreciate the implication that i do not take survivors seriously or empathize with them. the people who i do not empathize with are people who produce cp and consume it. and you consume it. this is not a lie nor does it lack evidence, the posts came from you. its really insidious of you to try to milk me for some pity when youre literally watching pedo shit.

i am comparing you to the people who traumatized you because you are normalizing cp and rape content by endorsing it. thats it.

lastly, id like to address your response to my ‘pannie apologist’ post

me saying ‘pannie apologist’ is a bit of an in joke in a discord server im in with some mutuals and should not be taken seriously. the rest of the post however is serious. your response is especially puzzling to me because you repeat a good portion of what it is, that not all pan people are inherently transphobic and not all bi people are free of transphobia. i am also a trans person, and i am also a trans person who has experienced transphobia from both pan and bi people, though it was likely with less severity seeing as i am tme. the bi community, as with any sexuality, has a transphobia problem and it is extremely disheartening. its because of that that i did id as pan myself for a while, because i felt ostracized and othered by members of the bi community.

this does not change that pansexuality originated in transphobia and biphobia. this does not change that it is a synonym for bi but with a more fucked up history. while bi people are very capable of transphobia, it is and was always meant to be inclusive to trans people the same way as any other sexuality. its a term that came from freud that characterized bi people as sex obsessed freaks (you know, the way biphobes tend to do) and gained popularity as a bdsm term as in implication that bi wasnt “inclusive” enough, which others trans people in a way that implies we need a whole separate sexuality just for “transexuals”. this is why i take issue with people who know about its source and still id as pan.

this will be my last post on this and about you in general. you can continue to stalk my blog but i think youll find it boring and unproductive. just dont fucking talk to me again.

in conclusion,

#csa tw #rape mention #cp tw #rape tw #pan discourse/#long post

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armve1ns · 4 years

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opinion time

this is a list of my opinions on common trans discourse topics. subject to change

how many genders? enby discourse

personally, i believe there are only 2 genders as far as science goes. trans women and men have certain observable neurological characteristics that make them neurologically the gender they identify as rather than their sex. this disconnect leads to distress, and since you cant change neurology, you change the body.

that being said, i realise that certain identities (such as common/reclaimed historical non binary labels) are culturally important, and akin to things like androgyny and gender non-conformity. while these identities have no basis in neurology, they deserve respect. no one is neurologically a firefighter, but firefighters are a real thing that a person can be.

the issues need seperation, as both have a different sources. one is a medical issue, one is cultural. they are not mutually exclusive, and certain individuals can be both enby and a trans, but they are not inherently trans by virtue of being enby.

on that note, what makes someone trans? dysphoria discourse

gender dysphoria is the main diagnosable symptom of a gender vs sex disconnect. having gender dysphoria does not make you trans, but rather if you have a brain that expects the opposite body, you will have gd. it is the result, not the cause.

different people have different definitions of dysphoria. i believe it to be a clinically significant distress over ones primary and secondary sex characteristics. 'social gd' is a product of that distress, and is not enough on its own to classify someone as trans. social gd exists because being referred to as their birth sex reminds them of their sex characteristics.

some people who claim to only have social gd have actually repressed their physical distress. this was my case in regards to bottom dysphoria. i didnt realise i had repressed it until i had my top surgery. with that major stressor gone, i could cope with other stressors, and my brain allowed me to realise that i had been experiencing lower dysphoria this whole time.

some people who claim to only have social gd are actually just uncomfortable with the treatment they experience because of their percieved gender. sexism on both sides can lead to people wanting to distance themselves from that experience, thus the rise in the enby labels.

they are uncomfortable being viewed as either a man or a woman, not because it reminds them of their sex characteristics, but because people treat them poorly either way. if they are viewed as a woman, they get catcalled. if they are viewed as a man, they are treated coldly (gross oversimplification, but you get my point).

do you have to transition medically to be trans?

if you cannot physically transition, or are holding off due to health concerns, you are no less trans than historical trans people who were without the ability to transition.

passing and gender presentation?

gender non-conforming trans people and non passing trans people are still trans. duh. if you can avoid it, you shouldnt put your natal sex characteristics on display, as it may trigger dysphoria, but wearing clothes targeted at your birth sex/being non-passing does not make you not trans.

are trenders a thing?

yes, but imo, the term should be limited to people knowingly doing it for attention. people who are genuinely mistaken or misinformed, or even the willfully ignorant should not be called trenders.

#transmed #enby discourse #dysphoria discourse #medical transition #passing discourse #trender discourse

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