#that said my mom was married to a dude who my therapist was dead sure was a sociopath | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tarysande · 6 years

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I was curious do you think Cain was a sociopath I read an article about how a sociopath 'loves' and it reminded me of him do you think this is what the writers were going for or am I way off?

I think there’s a lot of evidence to support that read on his character and I feel with at least some small amount of confidence that his character description probably included the word. In fact, I think Pierce may even have been a psychopath. (Pysch researchers tend to think psychopaths are born, while sociopathy results from childhood trauma. More on this later!)

Sociopaths and psychopaths fall under the shared umbrella of antisocial personality disorder.

According to the DSM V (psychiatry’s diagnostic bible), the following criteria is listed for antisocial personality disorder:

Persistent patterns of disregard and violation of the rights of others, present since the age of 15 and consisting of at least three of the following resulting in hurting, mistreating, and/or stealing from someone:

Disrespect and failure to conform to lawful behavior resulting in repeated arrests.

Persistent deceitfulness, using aliases, and lying to con others for personal gain.

Impulsive and unable to plan.

Easily irritated, aggressive and prone to repeated physical altercations and assaults.

Reckless, disregarding the safety of others and one’s self.

Persistently irresponsible, inability to maintain consistent work behavior and/or honor financial obligations.

Indifferent rationalization without remorse.

I don’t know about you, but I see a lot of Cain/Pierce/Sinnerman there, no?

So, let’s try to parse Cain a little given what we know because we were told and what we can infer by observation or reading between the lines.

Biblically, we know Cain killed his brother Abel because he was angry that God liked Abel’s sacrifice better. Cain then lied about it (to God; ballsy, but ultimately a bad choice). I want to talk about something, though, that people who didn’t once win Sunday School Jeopardy! (it’s true) might not know: Cain wasn’t marked and punished because he killed his brother. Because Cain was a farmer (and proud of it), God punished him by cursing him so the soil would no longer give him strength. He could no longer do what made him happiest and brought him the most satisfaction. Dying is easy; living without being able to fulfill your purpose is harsh. To this, Cain replied, “Well then, I’ll just hide from your presence and wander until someone kills me; life’s not worth living without farming,” and God said, “Y’think it’s that easy, do you? Have this mark so everyone’ll know that, in killing you, they bring My vengeance upon them sevenfold.”

Murder is bad. Trying to wriggle out of what God deems to be appropriate punishment for it is far worse. Defying God’s judgment is the crime for which Cain is punished with the mark.

(Where have we seen that before? But that’s the subject for a different essay.)

So, if we assume that Lucifer’s writers were pulling from Biblical ‘canon,’ we’ve already got a little sociopathy happening. Cain kills his brother because Abel got a better report card from God and he can’t stand that (he’s the elder brother, after all). He feels no remorse, no guilt (and Pierce says as much to Lucifer; it’s a driving part of his personality from the beginning), and no empathy. He lies to protect himself. His response to being punished is not “I’m sorry for what I did,” it’s “How dare you take my things away from me.” It’s selfish and self-centered.

Also from the DSM V:

Persistent pathological personality traits:

Antagonism

Manipulative - frequent use of deceit, subterfuge, charm, seduction, and ingratiation to achieve personal goals.

Deceit - lies and fraudulent representation of self, embellishment and lying when relating events.

Callous - cold, uncaring, and indifferent to the feelings of others, lack of remorse for the hurt they cause to others, aggressive and sadistic.

Hostile - aggressive and angry at perceived slights and insults, vengeful and mean.

Disinhibition

Irresponsible - failure to honor obligations, lack of respect for promises made and agreements.

Impulsive - acts on momentary stimulus, no planning, inability to plan.

Risk Behavior - denies personal danger, engages in dangerous activity to one’s self and others, engages in risk behaviors to stave off boredom.

Now, here’s where Pierce appears psychopathic: psychopaths plan. They engage in criminal behavior in a way that minimizes personal risk. They have plans and contingency plans to ensure they are not caught. (SINNERMAN.) A psychopath is better able to dissociate from their actions (”It was an accident. He deserved it. He was an asshat.”) ((Sidebar: that Abel’s in Hell proves Abel felt guilt and remorse, unlike his brother. It’s not that Abel ‘deserved it’–he just had deeper feelings than Cain.)

I don’t think it takes much to see these actions and responses paralleled in Pierce’s behavior, right from the beginning of the season when he doesn’t care about anyone in the precinct; he only knows about them in the context of what they can do for him. He lies constantly and always to protect himself. He throws Chloe (multiple times) into danger to test his theories. He shows no empathy for anyone at at any point (remember, if any of the post-Abel grief was real, it was because he still thought Abel was going to help him get what he wanted; it wasn’t about loving his brother). He rejects Chloe until he witnesses the moment between Chloe and Lucifer at Lux. Pierce had several opportunities to start a relationship with Chloe earlier but he didn’t take them because a relationship wasn’t necessary for his plans.

Cain is utterly and entirely focused on himself. When he does enter into a relationship with Chloe, it’s for selfish reasons; he says as much to the waitress. To a sociopath, true love is focused on the self, power (seen in the Sinnerman), and playing/winning his game of life. When Pierce decided to “woo” Chloe, he relied on every cliche in the book: romantic dinner, roses, declarations of love. It was like he looked up “romance” in the dictionary and awkwardly followed the steps laid out. Or, in this case, asked Ella and she told him what Chloe liked, what Chloe wanted, and what Chloe felt was missing from her life (especially vis a vis the heartbreak with Lucifer). And Chloe, because of said heartbreak and because she has some serious love-related self-esteem issues (different essay!!) fell for it. Because she wanted to feel loved, wanted to feel lovable.

Several of Pierce’s behaviors in “love” often occur with sociopaths and one of them is moving quickly: declaring “love,” wanting to get married very fast. Another is resenting time spent with family and friends (or, I suppose, wearing a bullet necklace); sociopaths are often possessive and demanding. Did he ever love Chloe? I don’t think so, personally. I saw no indication he was capable of real love, sacrificial love, love that puts someone else first sometimes. I think he loved feeling like he’d “won” the game of stealing Chloe from Lucifer (Cain is often shown emulating Lucifer, such as with providing favors, but I don’t think he ever cares about what he’s giving to the other person: he’s entirely focused on how beholden the person will have to feel to him. It’s about power. Chloe is about power. Being a Lieutenant with friends in high places is about power. Being the Sinnerman is about power). Perhaps, yes, that moment he lost his mark was the first time in thousands of years he felt bad, a pang of momentary guilt. It did not, however, take him long to return to manipulating Chloe and improvising a plan so he could “win” again.

Finally: look guys, that rock collection was serial killer creepy AF. Okay? The rock he killed his brother with was definitely there. Those were trophies. He took them with him to his creepy sewer/warehouse hidey-hole.

So, before I leave you, here’s something interesting for people to think about: the Lucifer we meet in Season 1? Go look at that list of pathological personality traits again. Lucifer’s a walking checklist for sociopathy/APD (the Cain & Lucifer parallels are definitely material for more thought!). As the show goes on, we start to realize that a lot of Lucifer’s issues are rooted in early (and extremely extended) trauma (which is what psych researchers believe is the root of sociopathy; Lucifer wasn’t born that way, while it’s implied Cain was). Only, Lucifer changes. He learns. It’s slow and he takes steps backward as often as he steps forward. Only his active choices and steps toward change, only the fact that he slowly begins to see things from a little outside himself, only the fact that he is willing to admit he makes mistakes or doesn’t actually know everything and work with an actual therapist, and that he is doggedly devoted to not lying is what sets him apart and allows him to be someone sympathetic and capable of change—it’s why Chloe, and the audience, can love him and hope the best for him. Though they may seem small, that Lucifer is making changes at all is monumental. Psychologically speaking, the deck is really stacked against him.

What I’m saying here is that Dr. Linda Martin is going to write the most epic case study in the history of psychology at some point. She’s gonna make millions. And she deserves it!

(Speaking of different essays, someone remind me to talk about the parallels between Amenadiel & Lucifer and Cain & Abel at some point because they’re fascinating… and also they illuminate why Amenadiel can be redeemed but Cain couldn’t.)

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idkthisisjustforfanfic · 3 years

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that makes four.

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PART 5

“Girls,” why don’t you finish your homework and set the table while dad and I talk for a minute?”

“Can daddy stay for dinner?” CeCe reached for his hand and looked up at you, a sweet but pleading smile on her face.

“Can’t actually, honey,” Luke informed. “I’ve got somewhere to be, so--this has to be quick, unfortunately.”

“Great,” you nodded, bitterness laced through your words. “Girls, just give us one second, okay?"

You made eye contact with Maeve, communicated a look that said please bring your sister inside. She did, she pulled her by the shoulder and offered to let her fold the napkins--her favorite part.

You shut the door one they were back in the house, turned to Luke and crossed your arms. “Why are you here?”

“To visit.”

“Okay, well, where have you been for the last six months? My dad died--you didn’t think to visit when they lost their grandfather?”

“I’ve been busy,” he whined, letting his hands slap against his legs as if you were nagging him unnecessarily. “Better late than never.”

“Not how that works, but okay.”

“Y/N--can I just come in, hang out with them for a bit?”

“You can’t just come in and out of their lives, Luke, whenever it’s convenient. You either show up with some consistency or you don’t show up at all.”

“So you’d rather them not have a relationship with their father than have one that’s maybe not up to your standards?”

You were back in your marriage, suddenly, back to the fights and the frustration that became a dance you knew all too well. “They’re kids, Luke! Their parents got divorced and then their grandpa died and we moved and now you’re just here on my doorstep. Where’s your girlfriend, anyway?”

You looked past his shoulder--his car was parked on the gravel, apparently he remembered the entry code for the gate. The blonde woman who dangled from his arm on Facebook and the motorcycle he rode were nowhere to be found.

“She’s at home. And she would love to meet the girls, you know.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?”

“You can’t just show up with no notice and take them to meet some random woman you’re sleeping with.”

“Well, do we have to get lawyers involved in this, then? I’m pretty sure I deserve some level of custody over my own children.”

“Now you want custody? I mean--you literally didn’t reply to my calls about settling that in court when we actually got divorced so forgive me for thinking that meant you didn’t care.”

“I want to be able to see my kids, Y/N.”

“Okay--well maybe you can call me in the morning and we can schedule something instead of you showing up at my house.” You turned around to grab the doorknob, but before your hand landed on it, the door pulled open and Harry was stood on the other side with intrigue in his eyes.

“Harry--” you were about to tell him to go inside and stay out of it, but he stuck his hand out in Luke’s direction and smiled.

“Luke--nice to put a face to the name.”

Luke shook his hand but narrowed his eyes. “Do I know you?”

“No, you don’t. My name’s Harry.”

“You look familiar--” Luke mumbled this to no one in particular, but his eyes caught yours when you offered him a small smile.

“He’s a client of Jeff’s--he’s a musician.”

Luke made a face at that. “Okay--why are you here?”

“I live here,” Harry said. “With your children and ex-wife.”

“Harry,” you said his name again in warning. He didn’t even look at you, kept his eyes trained on Luke’s as if this was some sort of show down.

Luke nodded slowly, brought his eyes to you. “So our children can’t meet my girlfriend but they can live with a stranger.”

“He’s not a stranger, Luke. He’s known Jeff and the Azoffs for years--he knew my dad.”

“You didn’t think to ask me if that was okay?”

“You never returned my texts about my dead father or asking if you wanted to see them, so, it didn’t really cross my mind.”

Harry took a step in front of you. “Why are you here, man? I think that’s a better question.”

“I could do without the attitude, dude, okay? I can come to see my children if I want.”

“Just curious, since we’re about to eat dinner and I know Maeve’s not done with her homework.”

You rolled your eyes at that--an obvious flex that Harry was more in the know about your kids than he was. Your heart beat was rising, eyes flickering between the two of them.

“I didn’t know I needed your permission to see my own kids.”

“You don’t need mine, but maybe actually co-parenting with Y/N would be a good place to start.”

“Oh so she’s got you playing by all her rules, too?”

“Luke--”

“If you want to call her rules stability, for your children, then sure.”

“So you think you can move in here and just take over as father or something, is that what’s happening? Is there something going on--”

“No--I’m not their father, but I know that Y/N is an incredible mother--”

“Harry, please.”

“So you’re sleeping with this guy and he moves in and that’s fine but they can’t meet my girlfriend.”

“No one said we’re sleeping together, Luke,” you made a face at that, crossed your arms over your chest again and watched him with narrowed eyes.

“Are you?” He looked between the two of you, waiting for an answer like he suddenly had a right to know that information.

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “S’none of your business.”

He rolled his eyes. “Well, good luck with her, maybe one day she’ll divorce you and then tell you that you can’t see your own kids--didn't know I married such a control freak.”

Harry swung before you could even process the insult, his fist collided with Luke’s face and you let out a gasp. “Harry--are you fucking insane?!”

You rushed over to Luke, now clutching his face on the ground as he swore to himself. “Fucking fuck, that’s a perfectly clear answer, dude--good to know you’re sleeping with her.”

The door had already pulled open again, both Maeve and CeCe looked out into the evening air with wide eyes, uncertainty on their faces when Harry turned around to see them. “Go inside,” he said.

“Why?” Maeve shot this back with a prickly attitude. “What’s happening? Why is dad on the ground?”

“Just go inside,” Harry said it again, his words more stern.

“You’re not my dad, Harry, you can’t tell me what to do!”

Now was not the time for Maeve’s theatrics.

Luke shot back to his feet and lunged towards Harry, words interspersed between grunts when his own fist grazed the side of Harry’s jaw. “Don’t tell my kids what to do!”

Maeve pulled CeCe inside and shut the door quickly, some kind of instinct taking over her when you yanked at the back of Luke’s shirt. “Luke, get the fuck off of him!”

Harry shoved him back, he lost his footing and fell to the ground again but was quick to get up and brush the dirt off of his hands. You stood in front of Harry, who now rubbed at his jaw and looked more dejected than before, green eyes more somber when you shook your head.

“Both of you need to grow the fuck up--you just tried to beat each other up in front of the girls.”

Harry dropped your gaze and moved his jaw in circles, Luke glared with resentment, but they were both quiet.

“Go, Luke--you can’t show up and pull this shit, okay? We’re not doing it like this.”

“So now I don’t get to see my kids because your fucking boyfriend punched me in the face?”

“I didn’t say that!” You shouted, your volume making both of them flinch. “I never said you can’t see them but you certainly can’t just show up and expect me to take that well. We’re not talking about it now, so please, do everyone a favor and get the fuck out.”

He thought about it for a second, reached up to touch his cheek--already swollen and bruised--before he let out a sigh and looked at Harry. “Fuck you, man.”

“Fuck you too,” Harry said quickly.

“Go inside,” you said to Harry, a hand on his chest. “And ice that.”

Luke scoffed at your attempt to aid him, but when you turned to see him, he shrunk under your gaze.

“Get out!”

He turned and mumbled, “my lawyer will be in touch.”

“Mine looks forward to that call,” you said sweetly. He climbed into his car and pulled the door shut, Harry stood behind you, feet glued to the front step until Luke’s car pulled out onto the road.

When he was gone, you turned around. He hadn’t budged, he waited for you to say something, but you pulled your phone out and dialed Jeff’s number before you even addressed him.

He picked up on the second ring. “Hi--can you please come get the girls and take them out for dinner or something? Luke just showed up at my house and Harry punched him in the face and then Maeve and CeCe saw Luke try to punch Harry. So--I’m going to need some help. Immediately."

You could hear him grab his keys, he was in his car before he hung up and when you ended the call, the door had been pulled open again.

Maeve stepped out but closed it behind her. “I turned the stove off and CeCe’s watching TV. But I’m not going to lie, she’s suspicious.”

You let out a sigh that turned into a laugh, brought a hand up to your face. You didn’t know if you were mad or sad or amused or terrified. A mix of emotions when she looked up to Harry.

“Did you punch my dad in the face?”

He looked to you, eyes wide as if he needed your help to get out of this one.

You shrugged, not going to save your ass.

“I lost my temper and that was not okay,” he said.

“But then my dad punched you.”

More hesitance, but he nodded. “Right.”

They both looked to you. Quiet for a moment--was Maeve’s childhood shattered here in front of the house, broken atop the gravel that crunched under Luke’s tires when he drove away?

Hopefully not. Hopefully this wasn’t the moment she’d recount in adulthood, a therapist’s office somewhere on the East Coast, my mom let a pop star move in and then he punched my dad in the face.

“Uncle Jeff is coming and is going to take you and your sister out for dinner.” You didn’t know what else to tell her.

“Okay,” she accepted this, something told you she knew that this was serious and this was not something to ask a thousand questions about. “Can I say something?”

“Sure.”

“I think dad’s probably jealous because it’s obvious you guys like like each other.”

You watched her for a second, unable to piece together a rebuttal. So instead of replying, you told her to get her shoes on, tugged Harry inside and sat him at the island.

A bag of frozen peas was pressed to his jaw when Jeff showed up. Maeve and CeCe were in the living room with the TV on, both of them sat on the couch under a thick layer of tension.

“What the fuck happened?” Jeff asked quietly, car still running outside.

“You’ll have to ask your friend,” you said, scooping the uneaten dinner you’d made into Tupperware. “But maybe you can ask him later so I can yell at him first.”

Jeff smiled in your direction, approving of your reply. He looked to Harry, “don’t be an asshole.” He walked over to the living room without a word from Harry and greeted the girls.

“Be good,” you told them. They were quiet, waved goodbye and faded into the driveway once Jeff shut the door.

Silence, except for the crunching from the frozen peas when Harry shifted the bag against his jaw and tried not to wince in pain. He looked at you, guilt creased in his forehead.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

He sighed, dropped your gaze. “I’m sorry I punched your ex-husband in the face.”

“How about the fact that you came out there and got involved in the first place?”

This got him riled up. “Well I didn’t know what to do, Y/N! Maeve said you were talking to him and I wasn’t about to leave you alone with him.”

“I was married to him for 10 years. I know how to be alone with the guy.”

“I shouldn’t have punched him,” he admitted quickly.

“You shouldn’t have.”

He stood from the stool and set the peas down. “But I hated what he said about you--acting like you’re the bad guy here. You’re not.”

“I know I’m not, I didn’t need you to defend me!”

A step closer to you. “I wanted to.”

“Why?”

He shrugged his shoulders, looked away for a second like he couldn’t say it. What was he supposed to say? I like you? I have feelings for you? Did he? You were just as confused as he looked.

“Because I feel like we’re a family, in a weird way, the four of us.”

Just as it always had, the word anchored itself beneath your ribs, made it hard to breathe when you tried to define it in your head.

A family? People related by blood. People who live together. People who love each other. You didn’t have the time or the patience to define it right now with him still looking at you like your silence hurt his feelings.

Maybe it got under your skin and maybe it warmed your heart at the same time. It was at least enough reassurance that you weren’t crazy, and you weren’t imagining all of this. Maybe he did have feelings for you in some way, maybe he did belong here somehow.

“I can’t believe all of that happened,” you said this seriously, but when you looked up at him again you couldn’t help but laugh. How idiotic--your ex husband and your ex-boyband house guest duked it out on the front lawn. Tristan was right, your life had suddenly become a trashy romance novel and that realization brought humor to an otherwise horrendous evening.

“What?” His lips tugged into a smirk.

“Am I going to get blacklisted for causing an injury to your perfect face? Is Jeff going to murder me when he brings the girls home?”

He rolled his eyes at your joke but smiled. “I’m the idiot that thought it was a good idea to punch the ex-husband of my--”

Your breath hitched in your throat, you let out a sigh when he shrugged and offered a verbal pivot. “It was stupid--you didn’t cause it.”

There was still an awkward amount of space between you. He’d stood up like he wanted to move closer to you instinctually, comfort you or touch you. But now you twisted a ring on your finger and didn’t know what to say.

“I’ll apologize to the girls, tell them it was wrong of me and talk to them about it.”

You nodded, was that appropriate? Should you be the one to discuss this with them? Where did you even start in regard to addressing Maeve’s comment at the front door?

“I think maybe I should talk to them.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Maybe I should clear it up with Maeve too, you know, just what she said about us.”

“Right--what are you going to say?”

“I don’t know,” you admitted.

He took a step closer to you. “You could tell her that she’s right.”

You looked up at him, eyes on his for a second like the world had been paused. You’d been speechless before. Maybe not often, and maybe not for reasons like this, but when you didn’t say anything, he took a step back.

“Sorry--you’re right. Best to not involve them.”

Your voice came out in a squeak, insecure and lacking the confidence you’d tried so hard to build. “You think?”

“Yeah, I mean, that’s what you were going to say, right?”

Was it?

“Yeah.”

He scratched at the back of his neck, slid the peas forward on the counter. “Thanks for these. I should probably shower.”

“Okay.”

A hesitance in him, you could see it. He took a step towards the stairs but kept his hand on the counter, a quick glance over his shoulder. “Are we alright?”

“Yeah, yes.”

“You sure?”

You nodded, offering him a small smile. “Certain. Goodnight, Harry.”

Jeff wasn’t mad at you about Harry’s face. If anything, he was mad at Luke for being an asshole and mad at Harry for being stupid enough to get involved. You didn’t dare tell him about the things he’d said in the kitchen when you were home alone.

Harry’s ego was bruised almost as bad as his jaw, which seemed to turn a darker shade of blue-ish yellow the next day.

Maeve was sat at the dining room table, eyes fluttered in annoyance when CeCe climbed into her seat and then looked at you. “Sorry,” she said. “I had to go pee.”

“That’s okay,” you nodded, letting out a sigh when you looked between them. “So, I called a family meeting because I wanted to talk about what happened the other day when dad was here.”

“When is he visiting again?” CeCe smiled, distracted by the mention of her absent parent.

“Not for a while,” Maeve answered with an eye roll. “He punched Harry.”

“They punched each other,” CeCe corrected with an attitude.

“Exactly, which is the problem, because as you both know we don’t use our hands to communicate in this house. We use words.”

“Well why didn’t Harry use words to tell dad that he likes you?”

“That’s not what was happening, Maeve.”

Was it wrong to lie to her? She rolled her eyes like she didn’t believe you, like your words were just a cover up for whatever was really happening--you bit your lip when you realized that they were.

“Then why did they fight?”

“Because,” you said, exerting your mom-power. “They disagreed about something. Just like you two disagree sometimes.”

“We’re eleven and six,” Maeve made a face at you. “It’s age-appropriate for CeCe to pull my hair.”

You stared at her blankly--she was too smart for her own good. “But it’s wrong, any type of violence is wrong.”

“So is daddy coming to visit again or no?” CeCe was probably having trouble keeping up, she looked confused but invested when you smiled at her.

“Maybe--him and I still need to talk about that.”

“He never comes to see us!” Maeve complained, frustration in her voice when the front door opened. Harry--hair pushed back with a headband, curls escaped on the side and a dewy layer of sweat on his forehead--apparently he’d gone for a run.

The bruise on his jaw was visible. “Hi,” he looked around, solemn. “Sorry to interrupt.”

“You said dad was going to visit us still when we moved here but he hasn’t!”

You turned back to Maeve, parenting duties outweighed your desire to take in the sight of Harry post-workout.

“I can’t control your father,” you reminded her. “We’ve talked about this--he loves you, but he…” you felt awkward saying it in front of Harry, a watered down version of the truth. “He’s not good at managing his time. He forgets things and he gets distracted. But he loves you.”

“Then why doesn’t he come visit?” Maeve asked, arms crossed over chest. She wore a purple shirt, one that you’d gotten at the Gap and that she used to say she hated, probably just because you said it looked nice on her.

Her voice was softer now, less angry and more confused, a tinge of sadness when Harry walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. Another thing he probably hadn’t planned on: witnessing uncomfortable family meetings where you tried to explain to your children why their father doesn’t keep in touch.

It was a fair question, you couldn’t blame her for asking and wondering. Why didn’t he reach out more? Why didn’t he make an effort to see them?

You couldn’t admit your own confusion to them. “He’s just busy, honey. He loves you both a lot, I know that. But I can talk to him and see if we can schedule a time for him to come see you.”

Harry paused at that--far away in the kitchen, glass to his lips when he stopped sipping and looked in your direction. When he noticed he’d been caught, he cleared his throat and headed out to the patio.

CeCe looked up at you with big eyes. “Can daddy come for my ballet recital?”

“Maybe,” you nodded. “I can ask him.”

That seemed to be good enough for them. Maeve was eager to head out to a friend’s house when her ride showed up and CeCe was more than happy to play in the backyard by herself.

Harry was stood on the patio still when CeCe ran to the swing set, glass of water still in his hand as if he hadn’t a clue what was going on. His eyebrows raised when you stood in the doorway.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” he turned to see you, hand on his hip. “Sorry--I didn’t mean to burst in there.”

“It’s fine, I think they get it. I mean, I don’t know, as much as they can, I guess.”

He nodded, stared at the ground when he spoke. “You know, I was thinking on my run--if this is too much I can talk to Jeff about staying at his. I don’t want to make--”

“No,” you shook your head, probably too quickly. Surprised by your own reply, you crossed your arms. “I mean, it’s fine. I just think maybe we should take a minute to figure out--”

“Right,” he nodded, cutting your sentence down to a half-formed thought. “Understood.”

He looked away at that, glanced down to his running shoes before he kicked at the patio slate beneath them.

You bit at the inside of your cheek, cursed yourself for how stupid you’d been. This is why you shouldn’t have let your guard down in the first place. First Luke, then your dad, now this type of stress all under one roof was possibly too much for everyone involved. The last 12 months had already snowballed into a mess of emotions and you should have known better.

As the adult in the equation, you were sure that this was all your fault.

And yet you wished it wasn’t--something in you wanted to walk over to him, wrap your arms around his middle and feel comforted by his touch. He brought his eyes to you and was about to speak when the alarm beeped. The front door opened, Tristan appeared through the glass doors and waved when CeCe ran over to see who the visitor was. Conversation effectively over.

“Hi,” he greeted with a smile, completely unaware that he’d just walked in at the worst time. “Glad I caught you both here. Sorry to barge in but I wanted to confirm details about the launch party so we can get it squared away.”

Harry stood awkwardly still, weight shifting on his feet when Tristan pulled out his phone to decline a call but kept talking. “I talked to Helen and Kira, the restaurant’s booked and the headcount is confirmed so we’re pretty much good to go.”

Right, the body wash debut and the celebratory dinner that Tristan had insisted on having. It was more than just the body wash debut: a celebration of how much Luna Skincare had grown, the launch of a whole new product line, a pick me up to try to make you feel less stressed, as Tristan had said.

Harry was confused, Tristan looked between the two of you. “Oh--did you...not tell him?”

“Tell me what?”

“About the dinner, the party we’re having,” Tristan shrugged and watched you, confused as to why you hadn’t looped Harry in.

It wasn’t purposeful. You’d spent countless showers contemplating if and how to invite him. Was he your date? Was he just a friend who was coming? Would he sit beside you or beside Jeff or was it better to leave him out of it altogether to avoid the questions and overthinking that had already saturated your brain before the event?

Harry shook his head. “I don’t know about it.”

Great, now you looked like an asshole. You laughed awkwardly to try and brush it off. “Well, we were still planning, I was going to invite you, of course. It’s for the body wash debut.”

He nodded, having gathered that much already.

You cleared your throat, the invitation a clear backtrack. “You should come, it’s just a dinner at La Cava. The team that worked on it, Jeff is coming, Zoey, some of our friends.”

He hesitated, glanced over to Tristan like he didn’t know how to reply but then looked back to you. “I thought we just said we--”

“It’s fine,” now you cut him off, a wave of your hand when you turned back to Tristan. “It’s gonna be great--do we have to finalize a menu?”

“I’ll have it on your desk by Tuesday morning.”

“Great, do you want to stay for dinner?”

He looked between the two of you, somehow aware of the tension that hovered above your backyard. “Can’t,” he said slowly. “I have a date, actually.”

“Oh, okay. Who’s the guy?”

“Someone I met online,” he shrugged. “Check my location and if I’m not home by midnight, please call the police.”

You laughed, “will do.”

He kissed you on the cheek and then waved to CeCe when she screamed BYE TRISTY!!!

Harry said something about taking a shower and seeing a friend that night, he dipped out the backdoor before dinner and you had no clue what time he got home. But that was for the best, right? You needed to take a step back to get your feet back on the ground.

You didn’t need to concern yourself with where he was or what he was doing--and the tiny voice of anxiety in the back of your brain reminded you that you definitely didn’t need to know who he was with.

Doing so had only made your emotions more jumbled. You’d been stupid enough to think there was something here, think that all of this meant something. And maybe it did, in moments. Harry had been the one to say that Maeve was right, but where did that sentence end? Maeve was right and: I have to go on tour, I’m too young to be a step father, I’m not looking for a serious relationship, I’m too busy for all of this.

The sentence likely ended with a fiery crash into flames and embarrassment.

Whatever was going on between the two of you--between the four of you, even--was a momentary blip on the radar of life. An extra set of hands when you needed them, someone to help things settle back into place after your life had been shaken up like the contents of a snow globe.

But somehow, eventually, things had to settle. You were only upset that it had been rattled again, by fists and bruises and angry words, before you were finally able to see that it was time for things to calm down.

He knew this too. He pulled back over the next week, spent less time downstairs and when you found yourself in the kitchen with him one night after the girls were asleep, a general sense of unease seemed to blanket the room.

Your phone dinged on the counter in front of him when he forked into a bowl of leftovers.

“Oh, you--uh--it’s a message from Luke.”

You were bent over at the dishwasher, the final plate tucked inside when you stood up, a wrinkle in your forehead at his words.

“Luke?”

He slid it over, took another bite and pretended to be disinterested.

Luke (9:24pm): Been thinking about it. Once every two months would be great. Don’t want to get lawyers involved--call me next week and we can talk about when to schedule something. Sorry about punching your friend.

You let out a breath you hadn’t meant to hold, licked at your lips when your eyes welled with tears. You looked up at Harry--who’d apparently been watching you. “Sorry, I’m fine, I just--”

“What did he say?”

“He said he’s fine to only see the girls every two months and we can talk about scheduling. And he apologized for punching you.”

Harry let out a sigh at that, his shoulders slumped like they’d been tense. “I mean--I think I did more damage to him, but, s’fine.” He brought his eyes up to meet yours and smiled a bit. “But that’s good--if he wants to see them there should be some type of predictability to it.”

“Right,” you agreed, a beat of silence. “I should probably feel bad for the girls that their father only wants to see them six times a year but I’m honestly just relieved at this point.”

He held back a quiet laugh. “I don’t blame you. Don’t need any more fist fights.”

You looked up at him, bit back a smirk and tugged at the necklace around your neck. “Definitely not.” Another beat of silence when he looked down at the countertop, his lips were parted like he wanted to speak, but then he sighed again.

The sadness on his face tugged at your heart, you spit out words if only to fill the air between you.

“I’m also sorry that he punched you. You shouldn’t have punched him first, obviously, but, he’s an idiot. The father of my children, but an idiot nonetheless.”

“I shouldn’t have gotten involved. I overstepped, so, I’m the one that owes you an apology.”

You nodded. He wasn’t wrong. He did owe you an apology despite the fact that he’d already said it that night. But you didn’t want it to feel as awkward and uncomfortable as it had been for the last few days.

Maybe the girls didn’t sense it, Harry was still teaching Maeve guitar and he still chased CeCe around the backyard, tossing her over his shoulder when he finally caught up. But instead of sneaking into your room at night he shut his bedroom door quietly and you pretended you didn’t watch to see when he finally turned the light out.

“By the way, my house is coming along. They said I can move in sometime in the next two weeks probably.” He nodded like this was a business meeting, neat and tidy information that he presented on top of the island like there wasn’t any weight to his words.

“Oh, okay.”

“Yeah--so, I’ll keep you updated, I guess.”

In a year of uncertainty and with a thousand twists and turns, something about Harry made you feel like your path was straight, like no unexpected bumps or roadblocks could throw you off course. Somehow, he’d simultaneously been the one to make things fall into place and stir up emotions inside of you that you forgot existed.

But the mere thought of that brought on so much judgment and self-doubt. You'd been desperate and pathetic and searching for anything that would keep you upright, then Harry showed up with a suitcase and a heart of gold.

It wasn’t his fault that you fell for him. There was no one to blame but you.

He saw the look on your face, one of swirling thoughts and anxiety. He cleared his throat. “Do you want a glass of wine?”

You looked up at him sheepishly, like you’d been caught in your own internal monologue of a shame spiral. “Do you want a glass of wine?”

He laughed, reached for glasses above the stove and poured.

story page | talk to me + join the tag list

AN: this one was a bit shorter--but don't worry, everything happens for a reason.

tag list: @sunflowerryvol6 @trulymadlykiki @kaybee87 @thurhomish @tpwkhoney @70s-harry @la-cey @sing-me-a-song-harry @morethanamelodyy @theresnooneheretosave @ihearthemcallingforyou @sunfloweratheart @g0bl1nqueen @millennial-teenybopper @rainbowparadiseharry @justsaying20 @andwhenshesays @harryinsweatersandbandanas @harrys-cherriesss @harrys-cherrry @cronias13 @burberryharold @15christyxoxo @stepping-into-the-light @mvaldez7821 @barnestann @styles217 @fineelineee @ursamajor603 @tayrenea @hayyyayy @mellamolayla @lovelylemonadaddict @harrystyle-ish @harryspirate @apples2019 @rainbowbutterflyboy @goldeng1rl8 @elisassblog @staceystoleyourheart @themonsterheloved @greatestview @splendidsunsetsx @awomanindeniall @bequietdee @greeneyesandtea @sonofabitchstyles @sunsetcurve-h @dangerousdelusiondreamland @hsfics @abundanceofsoph @golden-asoab @giveyourheartabreak-xx @poguestyleskye

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organic-guacamole · 3 years

Text

showtime

episode 211 let's go

ok first of all, this is the second to last episode guys... I don't even wanna think about how much pain I'll be in after next week's episode

mr mazzara doing the recap-

this is so weird to me and I don't know why

WHY DIDN'T YALL JUST ASK BENJAMIN FOR HELP, THATS LITERALLY HIS THING

is Nini giving out the cards a callback to season 1 when Natalie Bagley said that Nini gave her a card or something on opening night of another musical?

STEPHY AS THE ENCHANTRESS OMG YES

Ricky in the crown gives me Harry styles in that photoshoot vibes

he's so pretty.

ok but why did we never see Ricky and Ashlyn interact before? it's been like 5 seconds and I already love how they bounce off each other and it's just so natural

OH THEY REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTUDIES-

well that explains a lot...

so Ricky fell on top of Ashlyn and all that broke for both of them was their wrist-

insert Jake Peralta *coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool no doubt no doubt no doubt*

of course howie was amazing as the beast, were we expecting anything less??

Ricky is so beautiful and I will not shut up about it....

let me enjoy this before the makeup crew slaps mud on his face.

Nini and Ricky talking to eachother? in a civil manner? wasn't she avoiding him just in the last episode? hm ok

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY CANT EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS JUST LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS, WHATS NEXT? THEY CUT EVERYONE OFF CUZ THEY CANT HANDLE EMOTIONS? ...ha

yes Kaden and Rico, my favourite east high boys 🥰

I mean....where's EJ?

THERE HE IS

EJ AND GINA IN THE BACKGROUND... doing something idek

KOURTNEY'S MOM IS BACK YAY

Howie is a shining star, ofc ofc

the smallest fOrk

can't wait to see the fork burst into song about how she deserves more than to be used to eat salad😌

the duster and the bluster.... ok😃

hi Gina!

hi- oh wow I didn't know Robbie Rotten was in this show!!!!!

the portwell look.

that my friends, is a married couple's look✋

GOSH EJ WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU

aww Gina's so excited for this

D word?

Die?

Delicious?

Dom Toretto?

"good, clean fun all alone with someone I dig...a lot"

sir that does not sound very clean to me

SEBLOS

Seb looks so cute standing there next to pope Carlos

DID THEYEY REALLY LIGHT ANTOINE ON FIRE-

I NEED TO SEE THAT

Seb's reading Carlos better than big red read the script in episode 102, this is great development after the "fight"

Kourtney really just made the best outfit for herself and let the rest of them suffer

the way Gina immediately goes to hold on to EJ after the announcement

"tonight we're going to put the U in UTAH"

...

"hey where are you from?"

"TAH"

SEB'S SINGULAR CLAP KILLED ME-

he's officially salt lake city's resident thanos

just wity clapping because for some reason I have a feeling he doesn't know how to snap his fingers...don't ask why

Ms Jenn do you mind encouraging your leads before the show? idk just an idea

pepto bismol product placement smhsmh

those flowers are bigger that big red himself-

*bops along to the opening theme*

that whistle at the end slaps everytime

WHY IS THE AUDIENCE SO MASSIVE

I guess they're all here to see Ms Jenn go on as a fork after Nini decides to *go her own way*

wow i am so funny

so they couldn't do many group scenes cuz of covid, but this 300 person crowd is cool? nice

OO THE VIOLIN GIRL FROM EPISODE 6 IS IN THE ORCHESTRA

HOWIEEEEEE

"Mr Caswell", he said, in the loudest voice possible while backstage at a show that's about to start.

Mazzara what are you trying to pull-

I usually like Benjamin but I don't like his tone

"iS yOuR wHoLe FaMiLy HeRe?" LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW THATS A SOFT SPOT FOR EJ

"we've had some good conversations these past few weeks"

right so what's going to happen after you graduate?

what does he think of you not going to Duke?

what did he say about you giving the sweatshirt that's been in the family for 3 generations to a girl you're not even dating?

good old Mr. M

therapist Mr. Mazzara, they all need it.

start with Ricky though.

"Michael Bowen"

dude why did you shave, now you look less like "hot lumberjack" and more "creep at the gas station"

OH-

does she not like Mike anymore?

why does it sound like jennzzara started dating and now they just sit back and talk smack about everyone in their freetime

break the fourth wall-

uhhhh im scared

why am I scared

he's scary

hehe flowers for Ricky, obviously for Ricky, ObViOuSLY

oh boy poor Michael

this man is in love, rip

why does Ms Jenn always look at people with her eyes open so wide

LILYYYY

I'm only excited because I really like the idea of lily and Ricky being friends, nothing more.

ha this guy's got jokes

a MOAT AROUND THE SCHOOL

wheeze

also he's very pretty.

"the wolves and very talented humans"

how dare he forget to mention the very talented wolves and normal humans, smh erasure

"being nice, what a concept" ted talk by Lily who still doesn't have a last name

did she just say lol out loud

same with the hug emoji last episode-

go touch some grass babes

the way he didn't say no, but said he didn't know how the east high kids would react-

not saying he does want to date her but that's an interesting thing to think about, also another thing to write an essay analysis on just to leave it in my drafts for a few months

awww lily genuinely trying to help him

sorry guys, I've been taken by the Lily charm (didn't know it existed until now but oh well)

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'LL NEVER SHIP PORTWELL?

just look at me now

the Lily wink I can't she's so cute-

HELP ME I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY LIL-

David Attenborough?

oh nvm it's Benjamin narrating the show in a really weird British accent for some reason.

STEPHY GOT MORE LINES YAY GOOD FOR HER

also is this to show that Nini doesn't care about being the star of the show anymore? the way she's supporting everyone else even though she's a fork?

I would pay for a special of the full musical ngl

OOO THE TRANSFORMATION WAS SMOOTH

shockingly

yo where did the makeup come from

man I wish I was a theatre kid

THIS IS STEPHY'S EPISODE NOW IDC✋

my girl is starring

"needs an X-factor"

Simon Cowbell creeps in

"it's a yes from me"

and them boom, he takes Nini and mistreats her horribly and then she comes back to theatre after deciding music isn't for her👍

"I thought she just hog-tied him?"

don't ask sebby, it's better if you don't know.

imagine they spotlight the wrong person and this dude is just some random person that likes writing down stuff during shows.

Ms Jenn just let them do what they rehearsed (at some point we never saw) or else this is gonna end horribly wrong

"help"

same Carlos, same

I love how seb is just his translator rn

I thought he said "great displeasure" instead of "greatest pleasure"....help?

big red coming out from throwing up to see his girlfriend star is the cutest thing in this show.

Ash and Gina dancing is so fun

I'm imagining them practicing at night at their home, watching the movie for the 100th time and making sure their one dance together is perfect

KOURTNEY YES

HOWIE IS IN LOVE AHHHH

I LOVE HOWIE SO MUCH

SEBBY

THIS SCENE HAS SO MUCH GOING ON I CAN'T KEEP UP

THIS IS SO GOOD

HOW???

no because I'm actually crying

I'm dead serious.

we need this musical released as a special

big red is so proud and I love to see it

Natalie: "if you do not by at least 20 dollars in concessions, you do not support art"

rando in the audience: "but I pay for ad free Spotify"

Mr Mazzara clapping in the distance

Gigi, the guy you like is talking to you, complimenting you and hyping you up

YOU LUCKY LITTLE FEATHER DUSTER

aw EJ teasing her about the chocolates in a way that doesn't make her feel bad? take notes Richard

JORDAN FISHER

there is no rest of the show idc Jordan is it for me

THE WIG CAP ON RICKY OMG

they look like they're high and having "deep" conversations on the floor

THE MEAN GIRL WITH THE EYES-

@sunshine-julie-molina YOU HEAR THAT

Natalie really just be coming for them all

Howie what is happening rn

I'm scared

"did you enjoy it"

"very much"

dude wants a kiss so bad

ASHLYN OMG

NO DON'T DO IT BECAUSE OF LILY, PUT YOUR OWN TWIST ON IT

I want a Jordan autograph please

just keep swim- oh pushing...

Gina is literally a giant next to him and I live for it

am I about to cry for the 3rd time in this episode?

yes.

Ricky's leg kicks under the table makes me so happy aw

the portwell glances will kill me.

ah yes, mashed potato snow

Mr. M.... I'm not a theatre kid but even I know you can't have your phone on backstage.

Howie please just do it

CHIP'S BIG LINE I CANT

I LITERALLY HAD TO PAUSE IT AMD SCREAM INTO MY MASK FOR A SOLID 2 MINUTES (I'm not at home rn) HES SO CUTE

oh ok bye Jordan

oo tea

NOT HIM BEING STARSTRUCK BECAUSE HE'S MEETING HIS FUTURE BROTHER IN LAW-

"we're all just glad Gigi has a big brother figure in her life"

excuse me for a few thousand hours while I laugh hysterically

THE CAMERA ZOOM ON EJS FACE AND EVERYTHING-

STOP EJ LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA CRY BUT I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY WITH THE STAGE MAKE-UP

someone else said this already but I think it's hilarious that they had to bring in 2 guest characters to create some portwell angst

omg this really is Cici's episode, found family is their thing

elevator music lol

I'm gonna bet that big red took the harness for his surprise for Ashlyn without realising what it was

did Ms. Jenn just....tell her most mentally unstable student....to commit suicide....on a disney show...was that....I'm very....well....what the actual-

oh and there she goes running off instead of trying to make it right

oh wow Nini's the hero, she's gonna save the show 🤩

😐

the judge is doing a sudoku

honestly if I went to the hsm show as well, I'd come prepared for this one too

Lily why are you looking like that-

I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU DON'T MESS THIS UP

wow ok, there goes that.

omg

what if Howie was acting weird because he knew what Lily did and wanted to tell Kourtbut Lily threatened him so he was scared to-

anyways see y'all clowns next week when we all simultaneously lose all motivation for the week without Fridays to look forward to.

#hsmtmts #hsmtmts s2 #hsmtmts season 2 #hsmtmts spoilers #ej caswell #gina porter #ricky bowen #nini salazar roberts #seb mathew smith #carlos rodriguez #big red #ashlyn caswell #kourtney greene #howie my pizza king #lily hsmtmts

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lysieblu · 4 years

Text

When the Camellia Blooms

So I decided to do commentary this time. I usually have a lot to say when wacthing dramas but forget it all quickly.

Mild Spoilers Ahead

I’ve renamed the characters because auto-correct sucks if your first language isn’t Korean.

Oh Dong-Baek - Dongbaek

Hwang Yong-sik - Smiley

Choi Hyang-mi / Choi Go-eun - Clepto Waitress

No Gyu-tae - Tae or Gyu-tae

Hong Ja-young - Baseball, baseball dude

Jo Jung-sook, Dongbaek’s mom - Mama bear

Deok-soon, Yong-sik’s mom - Ma dukes

Why is it that society can take anything and make it a reason to put others down. Humans ain't shit. Episode 6 “Girls like me are like the Emperor's New Clothes... Good guys cants see me.” Best quote of the whole drama so far. Clepto waitress, I love her. She was weird and I wasn't sure if she was playing old dude, Tae. But she was and kinda genius at it. Men help create the traps they get caught in. Is Dongbaek really going to die in the end because it really sucks as this sad girl narrative goes. Being an orphan and or single mom does not doom you. The society in which she lived did. She was a fighter and would always win. The fact that she made it so far in life despite believing the bs others were telling her and the shit she was telling herself is worthy of praise. Episode 7 Smart girl to keep a tab of bad behavior. I just wish she had a bit more confidence, petty, and bad bitch in her delivery. This self deprecating behavior is getting old now. But this kind of behavior can't be unlearned in a night. It's so frustrating. This is why I can't be a therapist. Get a grip bitch. (kidding I know how healing works) all you can really do is pour in the positive and hope it flushes out the negative. That's why smiley is good for her but God he's annoying. He may be good and all but he had def benefited from her lack of boundaries. The dead girl at the end is the Clepto waitress. She stole the bracelet from Dongbaek and thus why the dead body is wearing it. Go Gye-tae has something to do with the murders. He is too punk to do them himself. But he knows and is close to the murderer. The timing of the alarm at the aesticians office. Tae saved her I think it's the handy man. Episode 8 Chief is looking really suspect. Clepto waitress has crossed the line to disrespectful. Is she really risking hurting Dongbaek to get baseball dude? I think extortion always been her MO. Mom was referring to her when she said watch who you trust. I don't think she's the killer but bitch is not innocent. Episode 9 I hate bitches. It's true that for some people who never grew the fuck up... Hate is their love language. Cliques need a common enemy to thrive and they are weak as fuck. It doesn’t help that Dongbaek never puts them in their place. Me and Dongbaek are the same age and had our kid about the same time. I don't think the killer is female. Unless that bitch is Ronda Rousey I would like to believe I can fight off a bitch with chicken wire. Chief is looking suspect as hell. Why is he always throwing Smiley off the track or avoiding the case. He knows something. I am by no means taking baseball guys side, however I do feel that both parents should be given the opportunity to be parents to their kid. It's unfair to not tell him about his child when he clearly wants to be a father. The scar can go both ways. You son can resent you for keeping this from his father. Pil clearly knows what's up. Dongbaek is growing up. In a way, this is a death flag. But I still don't believe it's her. Episode 10 There isn't a cloud in the sky. They are walking around without coats. And you expect me to believe that it's cold enough for snow. I still feel like Joker isn't a female but her mom is looking hella suspect. What if the connection between all the victims is Dongbaek. Maybe they somehow did her wrong and crazy momma bear was protecting her. But I really can't see her climbing out of a window. Plus the fire alarm. Trust no one. A lot of people have said the "don't be a joke" line. I called it. That ending was more of a death red flag. So the dead lady is Clepto waitress. She probably died because she obviously owes debts. Dude in hair salon was creepy. But that is separate from joker. I know this goofy mug. I've seen it somewhere (Googling it) ah.. yes... Mr Smiley was in Midnight Runners, playing a cop there too if I remember correctly. Episode 11 A bunch of elementary school kids fighting over baseball. Me yelling at my TV: GET EM!!! Let me tell y'all. I would have been on that field lighting shit up, whipping everyone's ass. Little boy go get yo momma so she can get your ass beating. 😡 Chief is acting wonky. He knows something. What's with the mom? She seems so protective... Now? What about her dad? What if Dongbaek's parents are some crazy con artists who are protecting their daughter by killing off people who conned her? They are basically trying to tell her to "get a grip bitch!" Or "don't be a joke." And did you see her grab the belt and wrap around her fist? She knows what the fuck she's doing. (I want her on my team in a fight) Why is Dongbaek not questioning her lucidity? 🤔 Clepto waitress is the childhood friend.?!. 🤨 IT WAS THE FUCKING HANDYMAN!!! I CALLED IT!!! 🥳🙌🏾👏🏾 Yass bitches. I'm fucking brilliant. Hold on... let's not get ahead of ourselves. Episode 12 This shit just became an episode of 24 “Why try to live so hard?” Because if I live up to the narrative people create for me based on some societal BS explanation, they win. They can say, "see I told you all _______ are _______." Fuck your prejudices and stereotypes. The last thing I want to do is prove some asshole right. So many people want her dead they are trying to confuse me. Who the fuck is the joker?? Handy man's dad? Is he even alive? And this lack of boundaries is killing me. Dongbaek needs to put both those men in their place. Baseball needs to know he has no legal rights, period, if his name is not on the birth certificate. It would be the kids decision as to what his relationship with his dad is. She also needs to tell Smiley to get a fucking grip and that dealing with Baseball is part of being with her. These situations can coexist and it's frustrating to think otherwise. Mom dukes needs to chill. Her son has to make his own decisions and fuck-ups and she cannot fault Dongbaek for that. Life is hard, regardless. If it ain't this, it would be something else. Who lives an easy life?? Challenges build character. And I get it some things you can avoid. But they are grown in their 30s, who at this point does not come with baggage? And fuck you for trying to make me cry. I'm at work Episode 13 Is momma bear on drugs? Her behavior isn't totally out of the ordinary but maybe she goes away to trip and comes back. Lawd we all gon die together😮 They are teasing this story line so hard. IDK who the joker is. I'ma stick to the handy man but everyone in this story is guilty of something and really it's like matching the crime to the person or the person to the crime. Who killed Clepto? Was it her enemies or the joker? What momma bear is up to? Who's the joker? Is the joker and cleptos killer the same person? What's handy mans deal? Out of all of clepto's enemies, I believe the only ones capable of killing her are Mr. Pimp, Jessica because she's desperate, or Momma bear because she's protecting Dongbaek. In which case, her death is separate from the Joker's killings. Episode 14 You think Smiley's mom may be jealous because no one took an interest in her with three kids? Hold... The ... Fucking.... Phone... It's handy man's dad??? Behind every weak man is a mother (parental figure) who never held him accountable. I'm tired of grown people not acting like they are grown, kiss and have sex already... Damn. Oh so now they were meant to be? And did Momma bear really come for a kidney? Episode 15 There is a such thing as too much motherly love. This lady is fucking delusional. Her son has always been the type to run towards trouble. Does she really think his life would be easier without Dongbaek? Really? Go-tae is cleared. He was guilty but his crime is gambling. Jessica hit clepto with her car but someone delivered the final blow. Was it Momma bear? Or joker? I think Chief is cleared too. He was just operating out of fear. So hold up. Momma bear has been watching over Dongbaek her whole life. If Momma bear is lurking in the shadows of course she would run into someone else lurking in the shadows. Bitch. Episode 16 Laugh cry? Jesus Christ Dongbaek is stupid. A abandoned mall. Really? She's like a white chick in a horror movie. No don't go in there. Run bitch. 😔 Always take the fucking stairs. I can't. If she falls, I quit. Episode 17 They look like the fucking Power Rangers and I AM LIVING for this movement. Ordering me a track suit on payday. He gets it. He fucking gets it. "I know I made you be a mother when you wanted to just be a woman" 🥳 "We'll not only feed him, we'll wipe his ass if we have to" My bitch. 😂😂😂 If this shit ends with Pil going with his father, I quit. People and situations can peacefully coexist. What's with this all or nothing attitude? And this discarding of a previous family or kids. I see it a lot in these dramas and it's disturbing. Episode 18 Pil's in for a rude awakening but it's a lesson that his mom can't protect him from. His dad may have nice things, but he ain't shit. He'll be back. Damn even your kid thinks your weak. Or is he being mean? He did it for his mom. Funny.. he's assuming what she wants. Did she ever say that she couldn't marry Smiley because of him? Did Smiley say it? That Ma Dukes said it and it's unfortunate. He's too young to realize which opinions matter Society sucks for making a kid feel this way. Fuck that shit. It just hit me. One of the underlying themes of this drama is parenthood, more so motherhood. Dongbaek lacked boundaries, even with her son. Smiley's mom is delusional about her son and life in general. She relied on him too much, babied him too much. I don't think any woman would not have been good enough in the long run. The guilt of his father dying, she blames herself, a burden she should have never had to bare, and never fully healed. She projecting that onto Dongbaek. Dongbaek's mom is seeking redemption. She did what she thought was best for her kid. Jessica's mom put up with an asshole for the sake of everyone else and probably to maintain her life. She's learning that she doesn't want that for Jessica. That her own insecuries have transferred to her. Taeks mom is selfish as fuck and babied her son, never holding him accountable. Mother's think they know what's right for their kid, but a nice life from the outside doesn't guarantee a nice life from the inside. That nice lawyer could have treated your daughter like a slave. But it all looks nice to the neighbors. People have got to let "perceptions" go. Most of the time people with the "worst" past have the best character. The issue with it all is.. most mother's define themselves by their kids or husbands. Korea does it very literally. Then, when it all goes away; your kid grows up, your husband may die or leave, what's left of you? Who are you? Women are incouraged to be everything for everyone else but nothing for themselves. When we do, we are made to feel guilty or less than for it. Dongbaek needs to be away from him for while. How this is happening sucks but both of them have lessons to learn. If they don't live happily ever after I have wasted my 20 hours of my life. This is utter bullshit. I hope they're fucking with me. Episode 19 This would have played out differently if she had a daughter. This is literally why fuck boys are running amuck these days. Moms who use their sons (sometimes daughters) as substitutes for men and adult relationships. Boundaries. To love your dad so much even though he is a killer is unhealthy. Sik needs psyhological help. It sends the wrong message that you need to or have to take you parents (family members) bs just because they are parents (or family.) In hindsight, a red flag. I don't want Dongbaek to be a match. I don't want her to give her kidney. I don't like the idea of someone younger giving someone older an organ. Once you've passed 50 you have lived your life. The donor should be the same age or older and preferably on their death beds. Especially in Dongbaek's case. What if something goes wrong and Pil looses his mother and grandmother? You going to let that man-child raise him? I would never be okay with taking any organ from my kid. Episode 20 So it was the handy man? I was right bitches. And his dad is covering for him. Wow let it be known that Episode 7 I called it! He was framing his dad and playing everybody. Why didn't he kill Ma tho? Loving people and being kind-hearted is so fucking easy. Why do humans make it so hard?? I know these dramas are fiction but someone somewhere has lived a similar life. Where the fuck would I be if I didn't have an awesome mom and a loving family? Ongson feels like Stars Hollow. Them pants are rather high-waisted. That ended well. It had important lessons that I hoped someone learned from. Good story. Why I suspected the handy man? It's usually the character that can easily go unnoticed. He has access to the whole town, knew everyone and smart enough to cover his tracks. Everyone else was too obvious but the story did a great job of making me doubt my initial suspicion. Bravo. Low key miss clepto waitress. When she wasn't being a extortionist, she was a fun character.

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the209social · 5 years

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The Question Game

I just want to thank those that sent in a questions to make this blog possible. Also the advice given is not professional (I’m not a licensed therapist), but the advise comes from the experiences that i have lived. So take the advice at your own risk.

1. Are the stories on your tumblr all real?

Good question my dear friend. All the stories on my tumblr are 100% real and expressed in the way that i lived them. So they are from my point of view and how i felt while i was in these relationship. Out of respect i tend to change the names of certain people i write about just to protect their privacy.

2. I’ve been in a friends with benefit relationship for about 2 years now and i have feelings for the guy. He knows i like him and how i feel for him, yet he does not care and tends to flirt with other girls when we go out. Do you think my relationship will ever evolve into something more? Or should i stop fucking with this dude and friend zone him?

First of all this guy knows you like him so it’s apparent that he doesn’t care about how you feel. We have to learn how to love ourselves (not saying that you don’t love yourself). We can’t base our happiness on the illusion that the person we like will change how they feel just because they know we have strong feeling for them. This was something i had to learn how to accept. Sometimes we like someone so much that we are willing to let them treat us like trash. Why do we insist on trying to have a relationship with someone who does not love us in return? You may have strong feelings for this man, but maybe it’s time to sit down and evaluate how much time you’ve invested into him and if you really want that to be treated like a second option.

3. I love your stories about Romeo. When i read them you can tell that you were very much in love with him and it comes across in the way you express yourself about him in your writing. Do you still love him?

This is a hard question to answer. I don’t believe you stop loving someone, otherwise it wasn’t love to begin with. Love sometimes transforms into a different feeling. When once it hurt to think of him, now it’s a sweet memory. I will always love Romeo, lets make that clear, but it’s useless trying to hold on to something that Romeo never felt in the first place. Love has to be transmitted both ways for it to work and be magical.

4. I like this girl but i’m afraid of asking her out. We have an amazing friendship but i would like to take it to the next level. What should i do?

Well i’ve always been a believer that life should be lived to the fullest and never live with regrets or go home with the “what if’s”. If you really like this girl take the time to plan something sweet and make sure you ask her out in private so she doesn’t feel pressured to give you an answer she might regret. You also have to take into consideration that things might not go as planned and she might not want to be in a relationship. There is good and bad in everything we do. Some outcomes might not go as planned but we need to be prepared to live with what may come. At least you’ll never wonder “what if.”

5. I hate sucking dick, but my man loves getting head. Im afraid that he’ll end up looking for it somewhere else. What can i do?

I’m so dead right now...lol... Omg i cant relate because i love sucking dick, so i never have this problem with the guys i’m with. It all depends on the guy and how he feels for you. Some guys are very faithful. Never the less you should give him some bomb ass head every once in a while. Love your man before someone else does.

6. Do you always swallow when giving head?

Hell no! Disclaimer i have only swallowed one guy every time i gave him head and thats Romeo. I honestly enjoyed the way he tasted, or maybe i was just so in love. Yet with all other guys i will blow them till they bust so they can have their full orgasm, but i will not swallow because i feel like that is something very intimate. To be honest some guys have the worst diets, so their cum tastes super salty and it’s not pleasant to eat.

7. Your self esteem inspires me so much, but i feel like i lack any. Every time i see you, you’re surrounded by people who are drawn to you. What can i do to feel more confident.

Ever since i was a child my mom would take me to events, social gatherings, and parties. She would force me to socialize with strangers. I also danced with a Mexican Ballet for 13 plus years and sang with a church group so i believe that confidence is something that is built with time and self esteem comes along with it. I just happened to be around the correct conditions to make it possible. Maybe you need to take more risks and go out, make new friends and create an alter ego. Don’t be scared to be yourself or be the first to start a conversation.

8. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now. How much longer should i wait until we marry or i move on?

This is a good question. I personally believe that after two years with someone you already know if you’re ready to take the next step. Maybe not marriage right away but, moving in together to get the feel of how things will be and getting engaged to assure that marriage is part of the overall plan. You need to sit down with your man and have that “where do we go next” talk.

9. What do you look for in a guy?

I would love for my next relationship to be my last and be able to claim “happily ever after.” The next man to come into my life, i want him to be prepared or willing to grow as an individual and a couple. I don’t want to be with a man that is satisfied with where he is in life. I want us to grow together, too push each other and achieve great things. I want him to be taller than me, romantic, someone who pays attention to details, a hard worker. A man that wants to have a family. Someone who gets along with my parents, makes me laugh, loves to eat and try new food, travel, speaks Spanish, and above all be an honest and faithful man.

10. You’re always with some hot guy. How do you always pull such fine ass guys?

I don’t consider myself to be sexy, but i must be doing something right because so far all the guys i’ve dated or hooked up with have all been very good looking. Of course some more than others but none the less they’ve all had their qualities that made them special.

11. What are your top 10 favorite song that mean a lot to you and why?

This is a hard question to answer because i associate music to moments and people that have caused an impact in my life. I have so many song that remind me of so many different people when i hear them, or transport me back to a specific memory and time in my life. Here are just a couple:

U2 “With or Without you” reminds me of all my moments with Christian Valaria from my short blog “Karma is a Bitch.” Also The Red Hot Chili Peppers “Give It Away,” because he would always sing that song to me when we were driving around town. Christian introduced me to rock music and how to appreciate it.

Juan Gabriel “Hasta Que Te Conosi,” reminds me of Julian from my “Ten Years Older” blog. I would cry at night because for a moment in time it felt like what we had was out of reach. Also when we ended everything i realized that through him i had learned to grow and love, yet because of this relationship i also learned what heart break really felt like for the first time.

For the last 3 almost 4 years there have been many songs that remind me of Romeo from several of my blogs. I guess the one that most stand out and it makes no sense to me is by Swedish House Mafia (feat. John Martin) “Don’t You Worry Child,” i remember telling him once that the song automatically made me think of him. He asked me why but i just said i didn’t know why. I lied... Romeo once told me about a memory that he had of his dad when he was a child and how it had caused him to cry. That day he grew up and told himself he would never cry again. At the begging of the song the lyrics say “there was a time i use to look into my fathers eyes...” I guess i just associated those specific lyrics with Romeo and it use to make me so sad that i would always change the radio when i heard it. Now i dance to it, but i still think of him every time it plays through my playlist, on the radio or in the club. Another song that makes me think of him is by Juan Gabriel “La Diferencia,” this song use to make me cry every time i heard it, specially when he would sing it because it describes what we had perfectly. Rocio Durcal “Costumbres,” also reminds me of him because one morning as i cooked for him he grabbed my dads guitar and we sang it together in the kitchen and that was a special moment for me. Carla Morrison’s song “Dejame llorar,” was a song that i discovered long after me and Romeo had ended everything but the first time i heard it i cried harder than i ever had because it reminded me of so much and how broken i was at the time. The band Zoe “Luna” is one song, that for the love of me, i don’t know why i associate it with him but i just do. The one song that fills me with lots of sadness is from Carla Morrison, “Disfruto.” When it plays it reminds me of every single moment i spent with Romeo, this song really affects me. I get these flashbacks in my head of the moments Romeo made me very happy and i fill up with emotions and i get a lump in my throat. At the same time this song brings to mind the future that could of been but probably wont. There are many more songs but those are some of the most important ones for him.

I have a friend named Melissa Torres and that bitch takes forever to get ready and the song by Jbalvin and Jowell & Randy (remix) “Bonita” reminds me of her. It says at the beginning of the song “ella se tarda arreglandose un par de horas,” and it makes me think of her. Dumb ho, but i love her so much. Also the song “Taste” by Tyga because i just die of laughter how excited Meli gets every time that song comes on and she throws one had up in the air and does a little twerk. lol. Like a kid in a candy store.

Any song from Banda MS reminds me of my good friend Nashma Robles. She’s the sone that re-introduced me to Mexican music. Before her i didn’t really listen to Banda music. Then i started hanging around her friends and they all listened to it and it became part of my life. So glad it did. I was missing out on good music.

12. Are you talking to someone and if so who?

I don’t consider myself to be exclusive but i am currently in a very steamy sexual “fling” with a guy thats 16 years younger than me. Im going to be very clear. No, I’m not his sugar daddy, but sex is so amazing and Yes, he is the most fucken gorgeous man that i had ever hooked up with. I hit the lotto with this guy. No i don’t want to date him or have some type of romantic involvement because he is totally not boyfriend material, just good sex material. Plus i’m not trying to baby sit and teach a 20 year old how to grow up and be a man.

13. Favorite restaurant and food?

I love Italian food! Specifically from Macaroni Grill. I also love Lamb, and i like how they prepare it at Papapavlo’s. The Lamb Chops with a red glass of wine they serve there are exquisite and it takes a very refine palate to enjoy lamb.

14. Who’s your best friend?

Well the day i met Miguel Naranjo he said “we are going to be best friends.” He’s kept his word until recently when he went MIA on me. He has really been there for me the past couple of years. He filled a void that i did not know how to fill. He help me through some rough times. Yet, if i may be honest, i’ve had one friend that has been there for me more than anyone else and thats Cristina Oceguera. We have laughed together, cried together and have given each other a shoulder to cry on when times are rough and dark. I’ve confided in Cristina sine day one. She’s a beautiful person, in and out. She truly cares and wants to help as much as she can. I’ve trusted her with all my secrets, there is nothing that i really keep from her. I’m thankful that i have such an amazing person in my life. She truly is the definition of a best friend. Thank you Tina, I love you very much.

15. Favorite movie or movies?

Well i’m a big movie fanatic and just like music i associate movies to events and memories in life. I’ll just list the movies i love very much. Some i like because the movie is amazing and others because i was able to share them with someone that meant a lot to me. Here we go and in no particular order of importance.

Call My By Your Name, Cruel Intentions, Titanic, The Gladiator, *Take Me Home Tonight, Sixteen Candles, Pretty In Pink, Ferris Bueller’s Day off, The Breakfast Club, God’s Own Country, Jaws, Esteros, Those people, Chappie, The Fifth Element, Guzaarish, Holding The Man, Jawbreaker, Mean Girls, GBF, Milk, David’s Birthday, Passengers, Clueless, All of the Avenger movies, Hazlo Como Hombre, Ronaldo, All the Alien Movies, Prometheus, Almost all the Disney cartoons, The Matrix (all of them), Lord of the rings, The Ring, Nightmare On Elm Street, Halloween (all of them), IT, A Little Princess, The Secret Garden, The Duchess, Romeo and Juliet (with Leonardo DiCaprio), Atonement, Stranger By The Lake, Free Fall, Eastern Boys, Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Scream (all of them), 10 things i hate about you, She’s all that, American Pie (all of them), Varsity Blues, American Beauty, The Craft, Drive Me Crazy, I Know What You Did Last Summer (all of them), Encino Man, Edge of Seventeen, Heathers, Superbad, The Exorcist, Roma... and just so many more. (all the ones in bold you can find on Netflix.) You’re welcome! lol

16. Favorite series to binge watch?

Grey’s Anatomy, The House of Flowers, Stranger Things, American Horror Story, Lost in Space, Cable Girls, The 100, Riverdale, Pretty Little Liars, 13 Reasons Why, Boys Over Flowers, The Haunting of Hill House, Meteor Garden, Mars, Elite, Versace, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The People vs. OJ Simpson. (all on Netflix) You’re welcome!

17. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be?

I believe we all have this fantasy of getting to know certain places and regions around the world and there is nothing wrong with that. For the last couple of years i’ve had the pleasure to live in Mexico for 2 months out of each year. I could have traveled through Europe, gone to Dubai, Japan, or Asia. Instead i decided to travel around Mexico. Each year that i’m there i go to different states and towns. I try the food and talk to the people. Why? Because this is where i was born and where my roots lay. How embarrassing it would be for me to travel through Europe and not know anything about my home country or go to Dubai but never gone to Mexico City, Morelia, Veracruz, the Mexican Riviera, or seen the majestic pyramids of Teotihuacan. I personally want to really explore where i come from. Once i’ve done this i can go off to see the rest of the world. This will make me appreciate where i’m from much more. I’ve traveled throughout the United States. I’ve been to many different states, so i’m not worried about getting to know my country of citizenship, but i don’t really know my home country and it would be a disgrace on my part to try and go and explore another country but be lost in my own.

18. Do you have any regrets?

Nope... next

19. What is your next big adventure?

Well i leave for Mexico in June and want to get 4 or 5 small tattoos while i’m there this summer.

20. If you could give the most valuable piece of advise, what would it be?

Love life and those in your life. Say “i love you,” and mean it, don’t be afraid to express your feeling to anyone because the day will come when you wont be able to. Watch as many sunrises and sunsets as possible, just make sure you watch some of those alone to get a better perspective on life. Wish upon a star but never wish anything ill to anyone. Love like it will be the last time you’ll be able to share those feeling with someone, but don’t underestimate your worth when loving them. Laugh because it’s good for the soul, and cry because it’s also good for the soul. Let your toes touch the sand and the waves cover your feet and let go of what bothers you. Don’t stress over the things you can’t change, and change the things you can. Meditate or pray, depending of what you believe because it heals, even when you feel everything is broken. Listen to the rain, thats the universe speaking to you. All in all, make life count. Don’t be afraid to feel new things, start new relationships and end old ones, or begin and end chapters in life. We only have one short life. Don’t waste it.

#questions #20 questions #ask me anything #enjoy #about me

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angelsd0ntkill · 6 years

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I need to distract myself so I’m doing the Answer All The Ask Meme Questions thing again.

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? My heart, my head, my gut, and my personality disorder are all at odds about how to handle heartbreak.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? Lmao no

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? Yeah, I don’t fuck with that shit, sorry.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Not really. Like, I’m very open and straight-forward, which might give the impression of being trusting, but at my core I’m always expecting people to hurt me.

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? Internet shopping.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? The man I’m in love with, probably.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Rage, scream, cry, possibly get drunk. Laugh bitterly and remind myself I had this coming.

8: Are you close with your dad? As close as you can be, living across an ocean from each other.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? I wish.

10: What are you listening to? A Youtube video about “haunted” videos.

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Not to be boring, but ... water.

12. Do you like hickeys? Yes.

13: What time do you go to bed? Midnight, usually.

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Eiichiro Oda.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Nope.

16: Do you always answer your texts? If it’s something that, y’know, needs an answer.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No. There are two who are on par with one another in terms of how hard I fell; the first is my platonic soulmate and the second is ... the best part of my life right now, despite everything.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Thursday.

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Janne Warman! :D

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I was probably stressing out about today and tomorrow. Today because therapy, tomorrow because I will either see Him or I won’t, and I’m not sure which would be worse....

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? No.

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? No. Sometimes people get what they deserve, but I think it’s more of an exception than a rule, unfortunately.

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? I dunno. Four months ago was August, which was when Verso and school started up and things went downhill from summer, but I’m doing pretty shitty NOW, too, so yeah, I really don’t know. I guess I had a little more hope back then than now.

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? I’m too tired for that shit.

25: In the past week, have you cried? YEP! :^D

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Blue and grey stripes.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? No.

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? No?

29: Do you have a best friend? I don’t know. Guess we’ll see tomorrow, or whenever I see Him. :^))))

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? “Hard” isn’t a big enough word, my dude, I don’t even wanna think about that happening.

31: Who was your last call from? My grandmother, probably.

32: Are you mad at anyone? Myself. My therapist.

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yeah.

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? 30

35: How many more days until your birthday? Exactly one month.

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Rockfest 2018 is the only thing I’ve got planned, and even that is just like YEAH, TICKETS OBTAINED, I’M GOING. Details? What details?

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? All but one of my good friends are of the “opposite” sex.

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? No. I can be obnoxiously open.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? I don’t think so. I’ve probably told all my “secrets” to at least one person.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yeah, the guy I had a fling with when I was like 18. Also my last ex, shoulda just Not Gone There in general.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? To an extent.

42: Are you available? Technically single, but emotionally unavailable.

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? One.

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Lip ring, I guess.

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Yes, eventually.

46: Do you regret anything? Several things. The aforementioned kisses. Cheating. Things I’ve said in anger. Things I’ve tried to explain but couldn’t phrase properly. Jokes I’ve cracked. Reactions and overreactions I’ve had.

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? What I’m going to wear tomorrow, whether I’ll have the energy to put on make-up in the morning, and whether I’ll be warm/comfortable enough to play Pokemon Go in those tomorrow afternoon. Also how I’m going to approach The Issue with Him if he does show up tomorrow. And whether he’ll want to hang out that day if it goes well. And whether I can hit level 29 if we hit up a legendary raid, which I ... don’t do on my own lmao.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Too many times.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? For him, probably. I just wished it were a proper kiss.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? He isn’t interested.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Several times. :^)

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Yes. Sort of. It’s been a weird week, hence my dilemma.

53: What was the last thing you ate? Assorted nuts. O:^)

54: Did you get any compliments today? Umm, my therapist said I’m brave, does that count?

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? Fuck if I know.

56: Do you own anything from other countries? I mean, I brought plenty of stuff from Canada and U.S.A back with me to Finland; I’ve got loads of anime merch & Alpacassos ordered from Japan; and I’ve brought back some souvenirs from Sweden and Estonia.

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Guys.

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Canada.

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? Not last summer but the summer before, I think?

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No.

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? No.

62: Who do you text the most? My grandmother.

63: What was the last movie you saw? Shaun of the Dead.

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? N/A

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010? One.

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? No.

67: Do you curse around your parents? Yes. Around my dad, anything goes. Around my mom, there’s a fine line. Or there was. It might be different now that I’m older.

68: Are you happy with where you live? I’m not complaining.

69: Do you collect anything? Anime figures, Alpacassos (& plushies in general, really), ties.

70: What’s your favourite colour? Purple, green, red, blue.

71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone? The last song I listened to was “Weight of the World” by Evanescence and mostly it just reminds me of when I was 14.

72: Has anyone ever cheated on you? Not that I know of.

73: What are your plans for tomorrow? Dress up nice, put on my war paint, try not to cry, and do what I can to salvage what I can of the most important relationship in my life at the moment. Also try not to die from the anxiety.

74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, one.

75: Does your last ex have a job? Don’t know, don’t care.

76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? He was dating before we’d properly broken up lmao. (I don’t count that as cheating because he was an idiot and because the whole situation was a jumbled fucking mess.)

77: Where is your cellphone? On the table next to me.

78: What colour is your cellphone? Black & silver.

79: What did you dream of last night? Can’t remember.

80: Are you atheist? No.

81: Will you change your name when you get married? I want to hyphenate.

82: Are you ready for autumn weather? Bitch, it’s winter.

83: Have you had any big storms recently? Nah.

84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing? Grey sweatpants.

#long post under cut #sorry to mobile users #about me #the life of a Julian

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theomachys · 7 years

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a story of repeating regret

the modern reincarnation au no one asked for ( or, nikolai, faina, and discussions of a past king ) — nikolai x faina

history textbook lying face down over his stomach, nikolai stares at the ceiling and sighs. his good leg dangles off the couch, barefooted and swinging dangerously close to the cup of coffee balanced precariously on a stack of books. the other leg, encased in thick plaster with half the campus’ names and well wishes scrawled over the surface, lies immobile, propped up by whichever ratty cushions his roommates were able to find.

not prime date location, he thinks. the stack of unwashed dishes in the sink alone kills any romantic mood that might’ve sprung up. although he can’t blame his roommates’ filthy habits either. this is emphatically not a date—it’s a tutoring session. a hard won tutoring session in the comfort of his shared apartment on campus because faina volkov is too kind hearted to make him limp all the way across campus to the library.

nikolai is not used to people being kind.

“my mother says a piece of happiness escapes with every sigh,” faina comments. soft brown hair held back with a blue scrunchie, she glances over at him. her eyes are hidden by her black frames, and nikolai thinks that’s a crying shame, but moments later he’s distracted by a glimpse of her exposed neck, of pale skin he’s spent far too long fantasising about and—

what the fuck. he blinks and shakes his head. the rooms spins a bit. get a hold of yourself.

“your mom’s a nice lady.” nikolai tosses back. “cheerful.” as if he has any happiness to lose. his perpetual bitter mood has made him a ‘boring emo fuckhead’ in the words of some of his friends. faina is one of the only people willing to endure his company for an extended period of time (and yeah, he’ll blame his attachment on that). both grateful and frustrated, he tries to bite his tongue, unwilling to drive her away, but he knows she can see the black cloud hovering over his head.

she stares at him with pursed lips and taps her pen against her mouth. it’s not helping. “having trouble?”

“more like finding it hard to give a fuck.” a history of the akulakrovi clan is a horrible class and nikolai can’t believe he has to take it for his political science degree. it just doesn’t make sense. if it hadn’t been for his injury, he wouldn’t have bothered showing up. but if he hadn’t shown up (and failed the midterm), he would have never met faina, the soft spoken med student one year below him and a hell of a lot smarter.

so, wins and losses.

“nikolai.” her voice is quietly amused, as if holding back a laugh. faina reaches forward and picks up the history textbook from his stomach and he jerks upright, heart hammering in his chest. even through the fabric of his shirt, her touch burns him—not entirely unpleasantly. brows furrowed, faina pauses. “is everything okay?”

his throat is dry. he swallows. “fine.” to cover up his awkward, visceral reaction, he says, “by the way, i said you could call me kolya. my friends all do.”

her eyes widen. “i… i didn’t know we were friends,” she says carefully. he thinks he catches a hint of uncertainty in her eyes and yes, okay, he can understand that. they’ve been doing these tutoring sessions for less than two months and faina is not the kind of girl he would find himself hanging out with in normal circumstances. prince nikolai akulakrovi is not only royalty but also one of elv university’s star athletes. compared to that, faina volkova is nobody. this is past the realm for jock-and-nerd cliches; it’s downright strange.

“‘course we are.” nikolai leaves no room for argument, at least not about this.

faina smiles and he thinks of springtime, of flowers beginning to bloom. before he can say anything else, the smile has faded and her head is bent over the history book she liberated from him. “this is your family’s history. how is it not interesting?”

she has a point—it is his blasted clan’s history. but then again. “it’s just a bunch of names on a page,” nikolai says. he leans back and resumes staring at the ceiling. “doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“what about your namesake?”

the history book is shoved in his face unceremoniously, open to the chapter on king nikolai petrov akulakrovi, born 1470. “you mean the worst king elv’s ever had,” nikolai says flatly. the king reigned immediately after the war of nations and instituted numerous reforms in the kingdom, most of which were not very popular. in fact, elv hated them so much that the next successor was chosen from the takret clan, who immediately undid all of the former king’s policies. there wouldn’t be another akulakrovi in power until nikolai’s great-grandfather.

“what? no!” her mouth drops open, as if she can’t even conceive of anyone disliking the old man. “king nikolai was a great ruler.” and faina sounds so sure of this, as if she’s saying the sky is blue or grass is green.

nikolai scoffs. “he sucked. not as bad as, you know, emperor daehyun of surya or anything, but he sucked.” more than just balls, probably. or not balls. hell, he doesn’t know. “his own people didn’t want his son on the throne.”

“he was progressive,” faina insists. she must be a fan. there are plenty of them nowadays—he’s their favourite old history dude because his morals are closely aligned with beliefs today. “elv wasn’t ready for it then.”

“sucked.”

“nikolai—”

“kolya,” he repeats. she crosses her arms over her chest. “oh, come on. he’s dead anyway.” dead for centuries, his bones probably lying at the bottom of the sea. of all the akulakrovis to be named after, why did it have to be that one? nikolai has always had an issue with it. what if history repeats itself?

after a tense pause, faina sits down with the book in hand. “he was a good soldier,” she says finally. “and a good ruler, and a good husband.”

ah, dammit. don’t say anything, he tells himself, but of all the myths this is the one he hates the most. “yeah? flip ahead to page 236.”

faina gives him a quizzical look but does as he says. “nikolai married freya evighet, lady in waiting to the queen.” she reads out loud. her voice is gentle, like a spring breeze that ruffles one’s hair and dances across their face. “the story of their courtship was widely documented and the basis of many popular songs and plays of the time—why am i reading this?”

“skip ahead a paragraph.”

“in 2015, historians uncovered a partially destroyed letter reportedly written by king nikolai himself to a mystery lover and—oh.” she flips over the reproduced copy of the letter, donated to the elvan historical foundation by nikolai’s father last year after they’d found it one of the castle’s storage rooms.

to my dear [illegible] you will, no doubt, think of me as an idiot for writing this. spies are everywhere even within elv, and a letter like this one would be treasure to my enemies. i know [illegible] …

i will marry freya. it will not be terrible (or so i am telling myself) as she is my best friend of many years and i believe she loves me. her father commands troops of [illegible] …

i could not refuse without hurtling her. i did consider running away, but i knew you would frown on that. duty—we both understand it, do we not? i do not want to be a coward who shirks from his responsibilities. but neither do i want to be untrue to myself. i love [illegible] …

in some other life, perhaps we are allowed a chance. a chance that has been denied to us by the gods now. perhaps in another life, we are unapologetically in love, even married. perhaps in another life, i am not a prince or you are a princess. perhaps [illegible] …

be happy. kolya

a pause. silence settles in the dingy little apartment and nikolai almost laughs because this is weird. it’s like telling your girlfriend your grandfather used to be a gigolo or something equally ridiculous. as far as dirty little secrets go, it’s not a bad one ( barring the fact that people have come forward since claiming to descended from king nikolai’s bastard son ), but it is strange to think the man he’s named after wasn’t the perfect king.

( although maybe it shouldn’t be surprising—nikolai’s not the perfect prince either ).

“this is so sad,” faina breathes. she touches the page gently, almost reverently, and closes her eyes. the expression on her face is distant. forcing himself to sit up, nikolai stares at her and wonders what she’s thinking of. he wonders if he ruined something for her. “this is terrible. he loved someone he couldn’t be with.”

“is it?” irritability bleeds into his voice. “isn’t it just another weakness to add to the list? couldn’t keep his country together, couldn’t keep his people happy, couldn’t love his wife—or couldn’t gather up the guts to leave her. one mess after another.” and—fine, fine, fine. he is officially projecting. dragging a hand down his face, nikolai exhales loudly. wouldn’t it be grand if this is his destiny too?

warmth engulfs his hand. nikolai starts and glances down—faina covers it with her own and gives him a tentative smile. “i don’t think it’s a weakness.” her voice doesn’t waver. “it takes a lot of strength to do your duty. it takes a lot of strength to what necessary, not what you want to do.” he gets the feeling she isn’t only talking about the ancient king and his heart swells in his chest.

“i’m scared,” nikolai blurts out. “i’m scared i’ll end up like him, you know? become king, fuck up badly and have people turn against me. i’m scared it’ll happen now. hell, after i broke my leg, it’s like people couldn’t get away from me fast enough. i know i fucked up. i know i did. i never should have gotten hurt. i let people down; i let my team down, but they just… abandoned me.” he points at the cast. “those signatures? they mean nothing. i don’t know what i’m worth anymore.”

the problem is that he can understand his ancestor all too well. it is why he fears king nikolai petrov akulakrovi’s failures will be his own. his shoulders slump. “you’re… not my therapist.” it’s not fair to dump the worries he’s been stewing over for weeks on her. faina does not need to hear his. forcing a grin, he says, “you can tell me to shut up.”

but she doesn’t say anything, just continues to hold his hand. her thumb brushes over his knuckles and he tries to remember how to breathe, and dammit how is he supposed to observe boundaries when her hands and soft and small, the perfect size to be tucked into his? “i like you.” barely above a whisper, faina says, “even if no one else is, i’m here for you.”

i want you, nikolai almost replies. he doesn’t mean ‘want you to be here for me’ or ‘want you to stay’ or anything else. he wants her and he’s too fucking cowardly to say so. old king nikolai married lady freya instead of his lover out of a sense of duty, and at least one can argue that is noble. prince nikolai can’t ask his tutor out because he’s afraid of what she might say. he’s afraid of what other people might say. most of all, the anchor of his nonexistent-but-still-official long distance relationship with lady rose evergreen of durr hangs around his neck, dragging him down to the depths.

he brings her hand up and presses his lips against her smooth skin. nikolai hears faina’s breath hitch but she doesn’t pull away nor break the silence. she smells like cherry blossoms, he notices idly, and wonders how he’ll play this off as a joke. when he lets go of her hand, faina blinks at him. head tilted to the side, she waits for an explanation, cradling her hand against her chest. spots of pink color her cheeks and nikolai is miserable because he’d like nothing more than to lean over and kiss her.

i’m sorry, he says silently. nikolai is not brave enough to move forward yet. someday he might be, but for now, he’ll stay where he is. out loud, “we should get back to the books, yeah?” focused on digging his notebook out from the cracks of the couch, he nearly misses the flicker of disappointment flashing across faina’s face.

“oh, yes. we have a test tomorrow.” her voice trembles slightly and nikolai pretends not to notice. faina brushes her hair away from her face and grabs her notes. she’s not looking at him on purpose—he deserves it. mixed signals aren’t fun to decipher. nikolai hopes he doesn’t seem like he is toying with her. he isn’t. he’s toying with himself.

flipping open to a blank page while faina busies herself with gathered their study materials, nikolai grabs a pen and stares at it. seized by sudden impulse, he scrawls a few words on the corner of the page and rips it out. the folded note is then slipped into one of faina’s textbooks. if he can’t say it… this is the only way nikolai will allow himself to express his feelings. he hopes that one day, she’ll find it.

faina, i like you. i like you a lot.

#blog: oncidivm #muse: nikolai akulakrovi #opp: faina volkov #otp: i can't fall in love without you #filed under: drabbles

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carriestreep · 7 years

Text

✨ 92 Statements ✨

I was tagged by @salt-throne luv ya sis

RULES: You must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: mate tea my main hoe

2. Phone call: my boyfriend called me and my battery ended when i was going to pick up lol

3. Text message: “mano do céu” i dont know how to translate this hahahaha brazilian part of tumblr pls show up (it’s an expression we use when we’re dumbfounded i guess)

4. Song you listened to: "Can’t Back Down - Camp Rock 2″ do not even judge me bitch

5. Time you cried: yesterday at the therapist

6. Dated someone twice: lol yas (4 times actually and still together)

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: GOD YES

8. Been cheated on: yup

9. Lost someone special: kinda yes because someone who was special to me lost its value (thankfully tho)

10. Been depressed: *welcome to my life by simple plan plays in the background*

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: never got drunk actually

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12.-14. blue, green, purple (all shades of these colors)

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: uh idk maybe yes

16. Fallen out of love: uh maybe yes but i didnt know exactly what love was so i guess no

17. Laughed until you cried: honestly dont remember (disappointed but not surprised)

18. Found out someone was talking about you: people talk about people all the time even if they dont mean it so i dont know about every single human who have talked about me

19. Met someone who changed you: well everyone has an impact on things and people so yes everyone i’ve ever met has changed me, some for the good and some for the bad, and all of those changes are who i am

20. Found out who your friends are: oh god yes, thanks to high school ending

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i dont think so

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: lol i have no idea, i’m too ashamed of unfriending people

23. Do you have any pets: YAS I HAVE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IN THE FORM OF A DOG

24. Do you want to change your name: i wanted to, when i was little, but not anymore

25. What did you do for your last birthday: uh i dont remember (i have a horrible memory)

26. What time did you wake up: today? i woke up at 7am and got out of bed at noon

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping bc i was feeling bad and decided to call it a night

28. Name something you can’t wait for: emotional and financial stability

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: she’s sleeping on the couch in front of me

31. What are you listening to right now: "All We Do - Oh Wonder” i’m addicted to this band rn (where’s 30?)

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: does thomas fit?

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: lololololololol

34. Most visited website: i’m actually a bit away from the internet in general tbh

35.-37. “Lost Questions??? (I’m just talking this over exactly as I found it, I also noticed some numbers missing, for example number 30, but idk man lol)” a fitting direct quote from Lara (i have no idea what is happening anymore it’s already 1am here)

38. Hair colour: uh my aunt always said i’m “grey-blonde” but for me it’s more like grimy blonde

39. Long or short hair: my hair is currently mid-shoulder but i wanna cut it all off like this

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes

41. What do you like about yourself: i find it hard to like something about me right now but i used to like my smile and my nose

42. Piercings: nope

43. Blood type: A+

44. Nickname: Dani, little lion

45. Relationship status: dating

46. Zodiac: sun sign: sagittarius / moon sign: cancer

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite TV show: grey’s anatomy (SADLY)

49. Tattoos: none, sadly (yet)

50. Right or left handed: right

51. Surgery: none

52. Piercing: bruh why are you repeating yourself?

53. Sport: lol

55. Vacation: last vacation was to Minas Gerais (a state in Brazil) (where’s 54?)

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: whatever that doesnt have a dead animal on it (where’s 56????)

58. Drinking: i love wine (sweet ones) and vodka and mate tea and passion fruit juice and probably any fruit but guava and peach

59. I’m about to: go to sleep i guess or watch footloose, dont know yet

61. Waiting for: will to live (lol sad but true) (where’s 60 wtf is this)

62. Want: a job

63. Get married: being married to me is a feeling; signing my name in a paper next to someone i love doesnt make me married, and i’m not religious so yeah i still dont feel married but i hope one day i do

64. Career: neuroscience bitchhhhhhhh

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: oh god both

66. Lips or eyes: both

67. Shorter or taller: I don’t have a preference

68. Older or younger: do you mean mentally or chronologically? i guess older for both anyway

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont feel attracted to any but i love the way my boyfriend hugs me so i guess arms (where’s 69 dude)

72. Hook up or relationship: relationships (71???????/ honestly)

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: oooooh i used to be a troublemaker but now i’m like whatever

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor: yas bitch

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: once i thought i had lost it but i found it looking in the mirror (i was wearing it)

77. Turned someone down: i guess

78. Sex on the first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: sadly yes

80. Had your heart broken: sadly yes

81. Been arrested: lol do you really think i have energy to do something worth of going to jail? i barely have breakfast dude

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: i thought so at the time but thankfully no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: deep inside yes

85. Miracles: i dont know, not sure

86. Love at first sight: no

87. Santa Claus: i dont think i ever truly believed in it

88. Kiss on the first date: i believe you do whatever you fucking want

89. Angels: [see 85]

OTHER:

90. Current best friend’s name: Josipa (@salt-throne luv u sis), Giulia and Giulia (yes they have the same name, yes it’s very confusing, yes my family mix them up all the time)

91. Eye colour: light brown, sometimes a bit green depending of the light

92. Favourite movie: oh god please dont ask me that (footloose; grease; anything meryl streep is on; anything carrie fisher is on; ferris bueller’s day off; dirty dancing; mary poppins; the king and i; doctor zivago; singing in the rain; back to the future; under the tuscan sun; star wars; angus, thongs and perfect snogging; indiana jones; donnie darko; Die Welle; bridget jones; camp rock, high school musical; i’m gonna stop bc i’ll probably forget a lot of movies and i’ll feel bad for forgetting them so yeah dont ask me which is my fav movie thanks kid)

we all know that it wasn’t exactly 92 questions but yeah thanks

Tagging: i never follow the rules of tagging lol so whoever wants to do this, go for it

#thanks for reading all this if you got here #tag #tag game

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