#thats the excuse?? you got it 1 time in your whole fuckin life and it made you sick for 3 days so now you'll never get a vaccine again???

[doodlboy]

Explaining vaccines to my antivaxx parent like they're 2 years old brb in a century

#“i got a flu shot once and for 3 days after i got really sick!!1!” its better than getting the whole ass flu or something worse and dying?? #literally #thats the excuse?? you got it 1 time in your whole fuckin life and it made you sick for 3 days so now you'll never get a vaccine again??? #well considering they unvaxxed me and i havent had my flu shot in years and the last time i got sick i was under 4 a fucking MONTH id say #they're necessary. i work at a gd pharmacy for fucks sake. i shouldn't be unvaccinated #she's starting shit abt the covid vaccine now #if my insurance covers it I'm getting the flu & covid shot i don't care I'm sick of this shit #also #the fact that my training had to very CLEARLY express that aborted babies weren't in vaccines bc of fucking idiots is wild 2 me #now we just need a sign that says “the covid shot is not the mark of the beast” for the rest of the idiots #also the fucking- the irony of ppl coming in to pick up prescription drugs and refusing vaccines bc they “don't know what's going in there” #is fuckin maddening #anyway #I'll brb #elliot rambles #mini rant #rant

[tigerdrop]

okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)

this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control

last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive

so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios

and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"

gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that

and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him

im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in

Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit

benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time

RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!

YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now 

at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"

but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"

embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically

maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........  he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious

starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently 

weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before

he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets

takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person

im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance

like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh

the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real

and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this

he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth

run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips

and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse

oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down

and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers

gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer

hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself

> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal

HE IS, AND HE WOULD

he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack

tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts

> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye

oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it

getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)

> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.

he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out

eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)

hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)

benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink

> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things

"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell

hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame

now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen

he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice

so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.

poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it

anyway . see ya. my final message

#asky #writin stuff

[bibibuckleyy]

my thoughts on ‘The taking of Dispach 9-1-1′

this was SUCH a good episode from start to finish! *pulls out a slide show* Now i’ll show you breaking down every. single. scene-

jk lmao...unless?

spoilers below the cut!

lord. have. mercy.

these hoes are givin me major heist vibes

tiffany bby ur the driver but for me to acknowledge you as such you better be Letty Ortiz good hun

wow these thugs are a lot my organized than i first thought like i know they was carryin guns but i aint know they was packin this much like damn

Oceans 8 who?

so i wanna know where they just...got a cop car???

OH HELL NAH Y’ALL BEST NOT MESS WITH TERRY

I MEAN ANA MAY BE HIS SISTER

AND  SHE MAY BE MAKIN MOVES ON EDDIE 

BUT IN THIS HOUSE WE LOVE TERRY FLORES SO YOU GET YOUR GUN AWAY FROM SUNSHINE BBY

it’s kinda funny rewatching this scene when you know what’s about to go down

like i’m cacklin like ‘oh shooooot dramaaaa’

but i’m also like ‘SOMEONE GRAB JOSH AND RUN’

“temporary maintenance, happens all the time” cool cool cool 

i’m not freakin out you’re freakin out

josh and maddie are like friend goals i love their dynamic like yoooo

hi yes could you please get that gun away from terry’s head i would really appreciate it.

OMG SECURITY DUDE NOOOO

wow ur like the only line of defense in the dispatch center and they just kicked ur ass

is this where our tax dollars are goin??

fly high josh’s mug, fly high

that absolute look of fear on his face tho, still breaks my heart

josh russo defense squad post up homies

“i love you, howie” nope nope nope didn’t like it the second time either

when that gun went off

LET ME TELL YOU

i just,,,waited for the blood to start comin out of terry

thank god it wasn’t him

good scene lmaooo 9-1-1 writers i hate you all lmao lmao

“bees are the least of your troubles here, sweetheart” I HATE YOU DUDE

someone call mama grant please

“we’ve got dispatch” i do not like this ma’am i’d like to speak to the manager

“you’ll shoot us” man shut the hell up-

“no, we’ll shoot the person next you you” this dude is insane

lookin like mr.clean’s evil cousin LMAOOOOO

“you only do something like this so you can do something...worse”

um whAT-

“you’re being paranoid, she’s fine” CHIMNEY NO NO NO

i don’t think i’ve ever thrown this much popcorn at my tv in my life

as chimney said “don’t do it man” just picture a 5′5 lightskinned girl tripping over her blanket while yelling “DO IT CHIM, DO IT!” and you’ll have me

“sorry, we are experiencing a high call volume” BITCH MORE LIKE A HIGH CRIME VOLUME SOMEBODY GET MAMA GRANT DAMNIT-

*screams* BUUUUUUUUCK 

HI BBY

ooh nice shirt, i guess pink isn’t the only color that suits ya

he looks good in all the colors

whole damn snaaaaack

not to be an idiot on main but seriously, who watches the watchmen?

“i miss like an earthquake or something?” lmao chim is a whole vibe

“wait....why are you calling 9-1-1, is everything ok?” paired with that cute adorable concerned face he made is making me cry ok we don’t deserve buck T-T

“she’s at the call center, what could happen?” AT LOT ACTUALLY

OH THANK YOU JESUS IT’S ATHENA FUCKIN FINALLY 

*cries* mama grant you won’t believe the day i’ve had

“he’s my husband” LMAOOOOO WHAT

whoa tiffany we’ve already had our fair share of mail bombs here that bet’ not be what i think it is

THE PACKAGE IS VIBRATING AND BLINKING TAKE COVER-

ohhhhhhhhhh

it’s just takin out the security systems lmao 

“technical difficulties” BITCH MORE  LIKE CRIMINAL DIFFICULTIES

“i bet this woman really thinks you’re...worthwhile.” JOSH BBY DON’T LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS EVERYONE LOVES YOU

ahaha thanks i did not need those flashbacks it hurt enough the first time 

“a woman called about an omelet, i dispatched an officer”

“to the restaurant?”

“not exactly”

???

“i tried calling josh, but no answer” aww josh and buck are friendssssss :)

JOSH HAS BEEN ADOPTED BY THE FIREFAM PASS IT ON

:0

JOSH YOU GENIUS

YOU SMART SMART CINNAMON ROLL

MAMA GRANT IT’S TIME TO MAKE SOME MOVES

“nO NO CHIMNEY DON’T HANG UP!” i shouldn’t have laughed so hard

oh great he’s hastily grabbing his jacket. he’s about to do something rash and irresponsible

....someone call eddie.

that’s some good heist music right there

the bad guys look stressed....good.

“you’re here so i can keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t do anything foolish” BUT YOU LEFT BUCK

OK BUCK I LOVE YOU BBY

BUT YOU HAVE THIS HABIT OF TURNIN INTO SPECIAL AGENT 007 REAL FAST WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN TROUBLE MAN

LIKE

HE’S THE ‘EVERYONE BEFORE ME’ MEMBER OF THE FIREFAM

mama grant i ain’t questionin your authority or nun but like???

WHY WOULD YOU NOT KEEP AN EYE ON BUCK TOO?

HE’S THE MOST LIKELY CANDIDATE TO DO SOMETHIN STUPID

thats some reckless drivin there buckaroo

buck who were you tryna fool tho

athena only knows one golden retriever dude in this city who drives a grey and black jeep

“ok now, don’t be mad” LMAOOOOOOOO

HANDS DOWN ONE OF MY FAVE SCENES

HE KNEW HIS MOM WAS PISSED TOO LMAOOOO

athena’s look is sending meeeeee 😂😂

omg my god😭😂

“hey buck”

“...hey chim”

athena has some dumbass kids yo

the best part is, she knows it

the way mr. clean broke his neck when dude said ‘police cruiser’ LMAOOOO

“and if it’s not normal?”

“we’ll find out”

*blasts boss bitch*

i love the way buck is kinda concerned for his mom tho

and athena’s just like ‘it’s no sweat sweetie i do this every day’

“shoot her”

BITCH I HOPE THE FUCK YOU DO

YOU’LL BE A DEAD SON OF A BITCH

I’LL TELL YOU THAT

“shoot her, now”

try her bitch, see what happens to yo ass. 

the 118

the call center

the entire fandom 

we will collectively end you

“we got a report of a code 77″

THANK GOD THAT GOT ATHENA OUT OF THERE

what is a code 77 you say?

“ambush, proceed with caution”

well it sure nuff aint indecent exposure

*boss bitch keeps playing cause that was super smart for her to give out a code 77*

“maddie is smart, she can take care of herself until help gets there”

HELL YEA SHE CAN

SHE KICKED DOUG’S ASS SHE’LL KICK YOURS TOO

“they’re not gonna wanna leave behind a room full of witnesses”

i’m-i’m fine, i swear-

“killing people, your solution to every problem”

excuse me? do i hear morals??

they’re really fighting each other

they some grade a stupid right there 

there’s no way they are pullin this off

terry

terry what are you doing

TERRY

RUN TERRY RUN GO GO GO

OH SHIT

JOSHHHHHHHH

i thought they were gonna shoot terry

BUT JOSH CAME THROUGH IN THE CLUTCH

wowwwwww dispatch is a lot more badass than i thought

these dudes are hard core

OH

OH JOSH NO BBY

THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HURT

aii square tf up mr. clean we don’t hit josh here and you gon have to pay for that one

the way everyone is just quietly sobbing tho

it saddens me

“I need another thirty minutes”

i’m really enjoying watching this dude’s plan crumble around him

swat posted up aii i see yall

“we’ll try to get eyes in a damn windowless room”

well when you put it that way it sounds like this is hopeless

“i’m sorry i thought you were crazy”

“i’m sorry i wasn’t”

wow i don’t think i was supposed to laugh at that

and chim bein concerned for maddie is literally one if the best things ever y’all.

completely unrelated note, anybody else see bad boys for life?

“yeah i’m ok, my ears are just ringing a little” with the TEARS and the SNIFFLES and him SMILING THROUGH THE PAIN JOSH IS TOO PURE FOR THIS 

“why do you think we asked for so many RA units?” BITCH I KNOW YOU FUCKIN LYIN

for those of y’all that ain’t kno, RA units are rescue ambulance units

way to reassure people, lady

it’s like she said ‘everyone might be lightly shot by the time this is all over’

“so you are worried. it makes sense, cause all your friends keep dissappearing are they even in the same building?” WITH THAT LOOK OF STRAIGHT SPITE DAMN MADDIE BUCKLEY, DAMNNN

we stan the BAMF BUCKLEYS

“oh my god, LINDA??” lo key thought this was real for a second

“latex! is there latex in your gloves?” greg come on man you planned a heist you can’t be this stupid

SURPRISE! LINDA IS ALLERGIC TO BEES

ENJOY YOUR EPINEPHRINE ASSHOLE

OH

OH WOW

WOW DISPATCH

Y’ALL JUST-

WOW

EVERYONES GOT GUNS AND EVERYTHING OH MY GODDDDD

GIVE IT UP FOR DISPATCH 

you know it’s really funny, cause tiffany ain’t nowhere to be found

“next one goes in your head” OOOOOOOOOOOH SHE’S A BOSS ASS BITCH BROOO YESSSSSSS

(i know, two different songs, but ya gotta admit, it applies)

“you don’t get to die” 

i just-

hands down, most powerful line in the whole episode.

it’s an odd form of vengeance, saving the man that attacked you multiple times from the release of death

 that’s what it would’ve been tho

a release

he would’ve died, and he wouldn’t of had to pay for any of his actions

but instead, josh saved his sorry ass

so he gets to pay for this in the land of the living

the best revenge, actually

and, josh saved a life

he’s worthwhile

“i’m not goin back” well i knew mr. clean was gonna die from the beginning sooooooo

“we’ve got dispatch”  and it’s finally over

i’m kinda bummed that we didn’t get to see SEAL!buck or the rest of the firefam but we got  BAMF!dispatch and that was enough lmao

kudos to those off duty dispatches as well, like y’all just walked past the dead body and moved on from the whole hostage situation to do your already stressful job

CHIM’S FACE WHEN HE SEES MADDIE I AM SOBBING

THEY SAID MADNEY RIGHTS Y’ALL😭😭😭

this hug is everythinggggg 

lo key buck watching from afar breaks my heart ahaha

“she already has everything she needs”

....this is tea for another day, but...

buck, you do know people need you as much as you need them, right?

....right?

still not over that hug tho

ayeeee wassup bobby!

how was the camping trip i was extremely against?

oooooh i love the crime recaps!

i may or may not have been like buck in the bank episode when he said ‘i’m some confused, can you start over’

...ahem....

“wait....you didn’t round her up too?”

ok listen....

while i don’t condone stealing and and the extreme amount of violence they used,

i do condone outsmarting men that think less of you because you are a woman

you are a boss tiffany, and i’m actually kind of sad you got caught

“tiffany was the real mastermind” can i just.....

*BLASTS BOSS BITCH FROM THE ROOFTOPS CAUSE WOMEN OWNED THIS EPISODE! THEY WERE SO DAMN BADASS*

thanks 9-1-1 writers for that, btw. 

gotta admit, as much as they rip out our hearts and stomp on em, they know what they are doin

jake you shady shady bitch

ngl tho both plans were solid 

maybe if it was done completely by women it would’ve worked :)

“looks  like your trip’s been delayed...by about 5 to 15 years” athena you got the best lines yo

jake f’ed up the other plan too lmaoo

like i said, if it was all women, they would’ve pulled this off

and they end it with madney

gosh i loved this episode

So! These were my thoughts on 3x14! Let me know what you think, and hit up my ask box if you want me to post my thoughts on another episode! Later taters!

Oh yeah, if you liked this you can find my thoughts on ‘Pinned’ here!

#911 fox #911 on fox #911 season 3 #911 spoliers #madney #maddie buckley #evan buckley #chimney han #athena grant #my thoughts #kat lmaooo

[fineosaur]

2019 year in review

thank you for tagging me, lovely @thesilverrqueen !

(none of these are in order cause my indecision doesn't let me)

Top 5 films (did i even watch 5 movies last year??)

1. shutter island (i had been meaning to watch this one for years and finally did, god.. such a brilliant movie. definitely a fav)

how to train your dragon 3 (httyd franchise coming to an  end??? biggest rip but also cute asf i could rewatch all 3 over and over without getting bored)

spider-man: far from home (a spider-man movie with jake gyllenhaal??? excuse fuckign me of course this is on the list he looked gorgeous w his hair and beard. fuck me jacob.)

ek ladki ko dekha to aisa laga (a lesbian bollywood movie?? in my brown house hold??? thank fucking GOD. cried a lot at the end, still think about it till today and not to mention how much i love sonam kapoor and rajkumar rao)

el camino (GOD... the hurt i felt watching this and looking at jesse... man how i missed him. the pain was caused mostly by me remembering the kid in the yellow oversized hoodie who smiled and laughed and then seeing the traumatised man he’d become. just.. breaking bad sequel done right.)

Top 5 TV-shows (literally the only shows i actually ended up watching this year

peaky blinders (i started a while back, life happened then watched the whole thing again this year w the sis. fuckin wow, i cannot. i miss u john)

fleabag (if you havent watched fleabag???? sis wyd, STOP what you're doing and watch it now. this will probably go down as one of my favourite shows, humour, cynicism, love??)

derry girls (teenagers being allowed to be teenagers for once ffs, not giving us model looking supposed 16 year olds?? thank god. also giving glimpses of how the conflicts of that time affected their lives. just nice)

that 70s show (the episode names really just .. i couldnt stop. season 8 doesnt exist pls and thank u.)

the haunting of hill house (a horror show thats actually good?? it exists?? yes it does. and plus they let me stare at kate, carla, michiel and oliver for 10 episodes.)

(game of thrones who???)

Top 5 songs (can u believe only FIVE SONGS??? this shouldve been 5 albums but i’ll concede) 

mission - catfish and the bottlemen, the balance (ugh that beginning??? van u kill meee, “im sure you know what you’re doing now, if there’s a wall son, knock it down” & “you know i’ve shown you the ropes enough to know that almost dont count for nothing now, so go ahead make the missus proud” then the beat?? ugh i listen to this on repeat and just die;)

2all - catfish and the bottlemen, the balance (hits HARD and in the best way. all of the balance is just so dear to me i can’t imagine this year without it and will definitely be sad not to have new music from the boys until they decide to bless us. “i gave my love to all, all the ones that stuck around” which is also a quote i’ve stuck on my laptop.)

social cues - cage the elephant, social cues (i’ll just say it now, but cage the elephant kills me,, and matt’s voice is just always good to me. so when the album came out ofc i cried. “hide me in the back room, tell me when it’s over. dont know if i can play this part much longer” the way this bit is.. with the change in beat and matt’s singing just thank you. black madonna from the album is another fav)

wars - of monsters and men, fever dream (of monsters and men came out with a new album;........ WHEN I SAY I DIED --I REALLY DID. their music always has been transcendental to me so this one did what was promised. “love you on the weekends, but im careless and im wicked,” just... neato i cannot)

vulture, vulture - of monsters and men, fever dream (favourite song on the album, has been on repeat all fucking year. “i dont know about these heavy hands..” god the line, the way it’s sung just hits me)

Top 5 books

the glass menagerie - tennessee williams (hit me too hard and too close, the whole thing and the ending absolutely wrecked me ,,, tom wtf)

a storm of swords - george r.r. martin (everything about these two parts were just damn, i needED THAT. damn u george)

salt to the sea - ruta sepetys (oh god, i read this in a day whilst listening to handkerchief thief WHILST there was a storm, i got so immersed into it it was fuckin insane. ending is amazing and still sits inside me. the writing is beautiful i could reread this one over and over.)

the magic of reality - richard dawkins (dawkins is just.. explanation of everything in the best way possible for a fellow agnostic/atheist)

the fall of house usher - edgar allan poe (do i really have to elaborate? short story that leaves u unsettled)

5 positive or happy things that happened this year!

came out to my best friends  (who were both supportive as hell)

finished school! (good fucking riddance, cannot think of the last 2 years without getting nauseous)

got closer to a few friends that always manage to make me laugh stupidly (one of which is one of the few people actually staying in the country with me for their studies and has noted that i am now stuck with them for the years to come)

met some incredible people through tumblr (yknow who you babes are)

wrote for someone other than myself and got to practice something i love so dearly (thank you allll so much for allowing me to do so and enjoying something so dear to me)

im tagging @thelandofnothing @yanak324 @jjclarku @starkyards @aryasbadbenergy @princess-of-winterfell99 @watersandwolves and anyone who wants to do this, names aren't coming to me 

#tag games #about me #2019 in review

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

#life update #drugs tw #body horror tw #surgery

[tumblunni]

Okay I know that kingdom hearts has a bad reputation for sticking crucial plot information on obscure spinoff games but HOLY SHIT I just finally watched a lets play of the fuckin digimon tcg game and found out it ACTUALLY HAS A GODDAMN CONCLUSION TO ANALOGMAN FROM DIGIMON WORLD 1

like 90% of the damn game has no plot whatsoever let alone indicating its a digimon world sequel! and then suddenly in the last battle without being foreshadowed whatsoever analogman returns and gets possibly the best boss battle ever IN A GODDAMN TCG GAME

holy shit his whole fight is framed as ‘this is literally the same guy from digimon world 1, hacking another game’, the interface wigs out and a bunch of fake command windows pop up with rapidly scrolling code of the game supposedly falling apart. And then his boss battle flips the entire gameplay system on its head by giving him fourth wall breaking special moves that pull overpowered effects by “hacking the engine”, with cool animations to fit. Fuckin badasssss!!

and it also fuckin FINALLY EXPLAINS THE DAMN PLOT LIKE GEEZ

digimon world’s conclusion was so rushed, you never even meet the villain until the final battle and it ends all weird with just “something” going wrong that causes him to get sucked into a portal or something while screaming dramatically in weirdly high resolution terror faces??? the tcg game confirms that this was him attempting to flee back to the human world after you defeated him, but one of the stray attacks from the battle damaged his machine and it caused him to essentially commit accidental suicide when he turned it on.

and HOLY SHIT MY FUCKIN OBSCURE HEADCANON IS TRUE????

the game had some sequel bait hints that maybe analogman is somehow still around and that the portal explosion just turned him into “corrupted data” so he can never return to the human world. and i always thought it would be super ironic if he actually got turned into a digimon aka the thing he hates more than anything

WELL OKAY I GUESS CRITICAL LORE IN A TCG GAME IS OKAY WHEN ITS A BIG YES BUNNI U THEORY BE CORRECT

he appears in this game as a malomyotismon who does a damn good vexen face during the fight, lol. And he’s all “gahh that stupid kid ruined my plans but this accursed body at least improved my hacking abilities!” Tho its implied that his corrupted state is more like a bodyless cloud of data that can possess/copy different digimon, which would be REALLY FUCKIN CRITICAL to explaining the goddamn plot of Digimon World Next Order!

Seriously wtf is up with this series? Digimon World 2 is not the sequel to Digimon World 1, all the numbered games are entirely separate individual stories with wildly different genres from pet sim to roguelike strategy. The real sequel is fucking DIGIMON THE CARD GAME THE GAME and then Digimon World Next Order a bazillion years later for the ps4. In which i am STILL REALLY SALTY that they have a FUCKIN RAD remix of analogman’s boss theme yet he doesn’t appear in the game. The added context of this damn tcg game confirms once and for all that the Ambiguous As Fuck Ending actually WAS him appearing in the game, this unexplained “oh wait the villain was good all along and he was just possessed by an evil virus” was supposed to be corrupted-digi-analogman and seriously WHY DONT THEY JUST FUCKIN EXPLAIN IT!!! this tcg game wasnt even released in europe!! and even american fans probably had no clue it was linked to this entirely separate subseries! You have to friggin piece it together with context clues like the battle music and the fact analogman’s signature mon was machinedramon. I mean vjesus christ Next Order is a litera; sequel with the grown up version of Digimon World’s protagonist as a badass home ec teacher who still defends the digital world in his free time yet you couldnt spare ONE LINE OF DIALOGUE mentioning the name of the villain?? and summarizing the fuckin tcg game everyone missed??? AND CONFIRMING THAT THE VILLAIN IS INDEED MAKING A REAPPEARANCE POSSESSING THIS GUY??? oh god everything makes SENSE, thank you terrible card game adaptation. ehh but i do still love Next Order for making Hiro/Mameo’s canon partner Mamemon, he’s even more badass as this big tough bishie version of himself with a tiny adorable pal that can shoot rocket fists through space and time. (its funny tho cos the DW1 intro movie showed metalmamemon and metalgreymon and the american boxart flipped a coin and decided metalgreymon must have been the one the protagonist was using in that scene. Whoops!)

anyway even with the added context that IT WAS INDEED GODDAMN ANALOGMAN, the final boss fight in Next Order was as terrible as the rest of the plot. So I’m glad trash gramps got a suitably badass boss fight after all, even if it was a CARD GAME VERSION! lets all celebrate the awesomeness of this obscure fuckin spinoff game’s obscure fuckin intercontinuity cameo with the boss fight music that other game wasted

seriously fuckin hell the biggest challenge in that final boss was that i was so distracted by SHEER OFFENDEDNESS at the cool music not matching it that it was hard to keep focused

its not just a great boss theme for a terrible boss, its a really fuckin EMOTIONAL song for anyone whose childhood was fuckin defined by the first game!!!

and look you had a PERFECT FUCKIN EXCUSE for a REALLY GOOD boss battle against MY MAN GRUMPY GRANDPA OF THE COOL DAMN NAME. Seriously guys analogman was THE FIRST digimon villain! digimon world came out before the anime, digimon world was the BETA FOR THE ANIME! this was the first place they had the ideas for file island, so much of the areas in the game are awkwardly mistranslated versions of stuff that would later appear in the anime in a different form. before this digimon had never been anything more than a fuckin 2-bit graphics tamagotchi and this was (after the manga) only the second goddamn time these monsters had an actual full colour character design! all of those charmingly janky 90s gross out show styled tcg illustrations? that was concept art that this game was working from! fuckin hell this game thought up the idea for metalgreymon’s changed design that ended up becoming the iconic partner of tai in the anime. (you can also see beta tai in the manga with a beta veemon as a partner instead! o_O)

SO LIKE...

JUST....

I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT ANALOGMAN OKAY!!! he’s a badly written guy with only like five sentences across all the videogames but fuckin hell he was such an Iconique part of the development of this series that they named him fucking ANALOGMAN

like dude you could have SO EASILY made me scream at my tv in a more positive way by bringing him out as the surprise villain and showing us wtf his deisgn is even supposed to look like cos god all we have is a blurry faceless early ps1 model buried under the glow filters of Mt Infinity’s funky background effects.

AND FUCKING

IF IT IS CANON

THAT MY FUCKIN

STUPID THEORY

IS CANON

slap a fuckin O on this man and LITERALLY LET ME BEAT HIM UP

like dont even give him a team or anything, just let me fight THE MAN HIMSELF

you canonically fuckin said he’s a digital ghost now and basically the same as a digimon

let me beat the shit out of a regular businessman in a suit and tie while he pulls his badass ‘i’m hacking the game i’m in’ bullshit from the GODDAMN TCG GAME THAT WAS MORE CLIMACTIC THAN YOUR SHITTY CASH GRAB FAKE SEQUEL

man god i didnt expect a fuckin TCG GAME to revive my righteous fury from back when i first played that piece of shit. i hate it cos Next order is so pretty and its gameplay is so good and i really loved my twin digis but there were SO MANY bugs and cut corners and missing content and really bad writing and GOD it made me so sad that the dub team really really tried, they tried so hard that they got fuckin renamon’s original voice actress back even though the renamon in this game has nothing to do with the anime one. THE DUB WAS REALLY GOOD BUT IT COULDNT SALVAGE THAT SCRIPT!! THE MUSIC WAS REALLY GOOD AND THE ART WAS REALLY GOOD AND THE DIGIMON THEMSELVES WERE MY BEST DAMN FRIENDS FOR THAT MONTH OF MY LIFE BUT THE GODDAMN FUCKIN SCRIPT!!! the postgame was MORE FUN because FINALLY everything opened up like the sandbox of the first game and you could just fuckin hug u digis without being distracted by constant cutscenes butchering your childhood nostalgia

man i wanted to write a fic/draw a comic about my headcanons on how to fix it but i never managed to do it cos holy shit it was basically “throw everything out and make a different game geez” I COULD RAMBLE FOR HOURS ABOUT THE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SEQUEL THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN!! and a fuckin!! tcg game!! was closer to that sequel!!!

and fuckin MY THEORY WAS RIGHT AND MY BETTER GAME IDEA ACTUALLY WOULD WORK IN CANON

fuck it im gonna do draw myself decking business gramps in the face

oh! and the female protagonist design! thats another rare good part of that thing! i loved the pixellization effect on her ponytal, way better than the male equivelant having a very ordinary costume design just with a pixel corner taken out of his jacket. also why did the plot never actually make a thing out of that? like you’d think that ‘unlike every other digimon tamer i’ve got this scar of my digitization’ would be a plot point. like they didnt give everyone else a cool pixel squares mark! they could have at least used it as an excuse why the protagonist is the Only Chosen One who can do all this plot shit. or if it was me i would have made it early foreshadowing for the Return Of Business Gramps, like you were partially infected by the Oooo Mysterious Unexplained Digi Virus (seriously why did they not just have ONE SENTENCE explaining its the fuckin original villain returning????) during the prologue and i dunno somehow that gives you powers to break analogman’s control on the digimon he possesses. or maybe the pixel thing is like a tracking device he put on you? or just give that cool design trait to the protagonist of digimon cyber sleuth instead, whose entire plot is that theyre a digimon human hybrid with literaly the power to pixellize themself into computers.

ALSO!!! actually do something!!! with mameo!!!

they really fuckin hyped up in all the prelease materials that the digimon world 1 protagonist was gonna be in this game and he’s all grown up now. and then he does NOTHING in the plot except babble exposition and stand around your home base. and has one line about how he’s a badass teacher now and his partner is mamemon but hey we made a bullshit excuse for why his digimon is sealed away and he never gets to fight :<

give me an actual cool teamup of new protag girl and her cool teacher dude beating the shit out of business trash with their bare fists and also their digimon’s bare fists while THE BEST DAMN MUSIC GOES UNWASTED

...fuck i sure do Feel Intensely about nostalgic games lol. i wonder if i’ll be so rambley when i play kh3? maybe itd be a really shitty lp, aaagh...

#no gramps shall go unappreciated in the bunni house

[fish-d]

it’s time for jade’s lnd us tour opinions

just saw the new lnd at the boston opera house, saturday 2/10 2:00pm matinee, and it was. HOOO BOY IT WAS. SO MUCH. (in a good way i promise)

cast:

the phantom: bronson norris murphy christine: rachel anne moore madame giry: karen mason raoul: sean thompson gustave: jake heston miller meg giry: mary michael patterson fleck: yesy garcia squelch: richard koons gangle: stephen petrovich

ALRIGHT ok overall numerical rating, like, 8/10, which honestly isn't something i ever thought i'd say about LND, but i guess that goes to show You Can't Like Things Ironically. or at least i can’t we gonna do Onions chronologically, for simplicity's sake, but tl;dr: they changed a Lot of good shit but there are still A Couple Things id love to see addressed before alw stops pouring his pension into it (also for brevity's sake im gonna skip anything i dont have any Strong Opinions on, so if i didnt mention a jam its bc it was inoffensively good)

ACT ONE

'til i hear you sing - bronson is so good. he's a much hunchier/gremin-ier phantom than im used to with lnd (coming from the australian production and ben lewis's Big Man Scary Eyes erik) but he does it really well. he kind of swallows his words on low notes, but MMPH the belt at the end changed my damn life. 10/10

the coney island waltz - AHHH the fleck/gangle/squelch trio was EXCELLENT in this show - fleck was a little underehearsed, but as an u/s i Dont Mind and im impressed they did all the lifts so cleanly, seeing as she is a Lot bigger than katrina kemp. the aesthetic in this number is? SO much bigger and more striking live than it is on the dvd; everything is GORGEOUS and the stage was Very alive (altho its still a little slow when they're all coming out of the bigtop) 8/10

christine disembarks - i got a snap from @sapphic-corgi​ abt this during intermission that just read "meg is gay for christine" and tbh i feel it. this was definitely mary's emotional highpoint here noah fence

arrival of the trio - OK HERE WE GET SOME CHANGES I LIKE: they actually gave the disembarkers a proper ramp to come down, and as one of the new yorkers calls "look, it's christine daae!", she comes out of the ramp in the fog and strikes a really beautiful pose with a really beautiful smile - and she holds it until the flashes pop and her smile vanishes. its REALLY good and a striking example of her French Facade(tm) ala "masquerade". bless that change

what a dreadful town! - ok so big changes here i really jived with, particularly pertaining to raoul - they make him nicer with each iteration of lnd and every time its a good decision. london raoul genuinely seems on the edge of hitting someone the whole musical, but us tour raoul really IS trying, and i love it ! during his first back-and-forth with christine, they embrace each other, despite raoul's frustration, and as gustave plunks away on the piano he doesn't chastise him. instead, christine asks him what he's playing, and tells him its too late in the evening for it - but raoul seems proud of his kid, which is REAL nice. and then he goes and picks up the music box and remarks on its construction and sits down to play with gustave !!! he only leaves bc he gets the summons - so gustave still gets to mourn the lost time with his father, but you never get the feeling raoul is overmuch cruel. hes just. got Issues, Man (i will say, though, sean's performance seemed rather stilted in his dialogue? like he. doesn't know his lines? there were some PAUSES i was. suspicious of)

look with your heart - rachel anne moore has a phenomenal rapport with jake (which she attributes to having a daughter roughly the same age) and they both performed this excellently - jake flubbed a line and neither of them reacted to it at all, which i think is ESPECIALLY impressive for such a young performer. (HE'S TWELVE, Y'ALL, LORD)

beneath a moonless sky - ok this was the sexiest i have ever seen this performed - its SO passionate. rachel glides between "angry", "forlorn", "horny", and back to "angry" with INSURMOUNTABLE grace, holy FUCK, and bronson's phantom is so genuinely reticent and also Very Randy the whole time that i fuckin FELT IT, MAN. none of that mournful love dirge, here, they FUCKED and they want you to KNOW. i also appreciate the change from "i had to, both of us knew why" "we both knew why" - instead, christine responds "i don't know why". i feel like that's more poignant to the situation (bc really erik has No Good Goddamn Excuse)

once upon another time - @theatricalbride​ wept to this. i almost fuckin did. absolutely phenomenal

the beauty underneath - ok i bought these tickets because i heard the utica boot of this song (based on the hamburg production) and it fucking lived up to the expectation. oh my GOD. the lead-in w/ the phantom reprise was phenomenal; the movement between sets was so fluid; gangle, fleck, and squelch were there being Cool as Shit the whole time (and reacting to gustave's highnotes, which was baller. u rly get the sense they're close-ish with Mister Y and i love that). erik Touched gustave a lot in a  way that felt really Genuinely Phantomy and was so jazzed to be with his kid? GOD

the phantom confronts christine - bronson ripped my idiot heart out and threw it down the orchestra pit. when he reached for christine, sobbing, i thought i was going to Die Right There in the Balcony Seats

ACT TWO

why does she love me? - ok the actual song was good but i have some Onions abt mary's performance afterwards :/ im VERY fond of sharon millerchip from the australian production; she plays meg with a really honest sort of vulnerability, and her own fear of her dedication to erik makes "sail across the sea / put us out of mind / close your eyes and dream / let yourself stay blind" hit much harder - because meg is doing what she does less out of jealousy or a desire for vengeance, but out of desperation because she *doesn't know what else to do*. mary plays it... much angrier than i think the role works well with. mary's meg is Pissed about the events of lnd and it makes her later suicide attempt feel forced - because this meg would feel more natural trying to murder christine or erik intentionally, rather than herself

devil take the hindmost - the only laugh of the show was for "[pops up from behind the bar] not afraid of me, you say? B)" and tbh it was well-deserved; the timing was Excellent. sean performed much more admirably in act two, particularly here, and i could like. smell the whisky on him; he was so fucking plastered. also when erik came at him he dragged a chair between the two of them, as if to hide from him, and im STILL laughing about it - esp bc erik tossed it across the fucking room, into another chair. 3-chair casualty for this number (and my e/r heart Really Appreciated how vicious they were ehe)

mother, did you watch? - similar onions to "why does she love me?": mary just seems MAD here, and i think it does a disservice to meg, as a character P:

before the performance - 1) erik does the "angel of music" enchanting reach thing to pull christine to the mirror and give her the necklace, and its a GOOD setup for the aria, and 2) honestly i know it was in the australian production but i just want to say the "twisted every way" reprise here destroyed me, mind & body. my god. (also erik and raoul are onstage in the rafters for this so thats neat)

love never dies - so i have No Idea if this happens in any other production, but for the US tour, as christine sings, she looks back and forth at erik and raoul, who are flanking the stage/implied to be in the wings - and as she looks a little too long at erik, raoul storms off, and it looks like christine forgets the words and begins to panic - until erik reaches out, as aforementioned, and enchants her to hit those fucking stellar keychange high notes that made my heart stop fucking beating, so that was a Good Detail

ah, christine! - raoul wasn't in the mirror for the "little lotte" reprise, but i imagine that's a visibility issue (bc u Cannot see that mirror from the balcony) - but ok. they keep fixing plot holes in this, but they still left in "i know where she's taking him" from erik - literally how. how does he know. what would have Really made it is would be see raoul go with them, and for him to know where gustave was being taken because he was suspicious of/empathetic towards meg after their conversation in the bar. like their Bit before "devil takes the hindmost" FEELS like a setup for this resolution and im beefed they didn't take the opportunity to use it.

streets of coney island - OOOOH THIS WAS SO GOOD the cacophonous "beauty underneath" reprise here was wonderful, and it gives a new appreciation to the coney island set, especially now that the musical has taken a Darker tone. the frantic chase here is EXCELLENT, and its busy enough that you never see christine, giry, or the phantom until they Want you to (big shoutout to bronson’s GUSTAAAAVE holler)

conclusion - im still bothered they don't Do anything with raoul, but besides that, this scene was. genuinely heartwrenching. erik's quiet plea for christine not to tell gustave of his real parentage was SO striking. IT WAS A GREAT CONCLUSION and the fade-out on gustave stroking erik's face was SO UPSETTING (altho jake "pushed" more than tapped him and i thought for a hot second they were gonna go full sweeney todd and gustave was gonna push him into the fucking ocean)

so uhhhhh i went to this intending for it to be simple and fun entertainment i could rib later and i wept real tears ! negativity is hard to maintain in the face of incredible work and craftsmanship from literally everyone involved. fantastic fucking job; im mad this tour is moving on and i wont get to hear rachel hit those fucking high notes again

(also: everyone was lovely at the stagedoor and as much as i complained about mary here, she complimented my hair and i love her very much)

#love never dies #lnd #lnd us tour #poto #phantom of the opera #personal bullshit #ok to reblog #txt #big s/o to theatricalbride for coming with me along w/ my buddies sunny and gabrielle #caiden just happened to fucking be there lmao

[40ozalctears]

disorders so stigmatized the only time u see em in the media is if its the reason the villain in the horror movie is so evil!

rather than succintly summarize my resentment for the psychiatric institution and the idea of permanently being on drugs that make you "feel" less is a proper way to treat what is known as "psychosis" i will present you the following thoughts: many people who have done their best to understand what they’ve been thru not as an illness but simply as a very key chain of events in their lives, these ppl echo many of the same issues i have as a "sufferer" of what the powers that be term "schizoaffective disorder". i could go on and on about how the system is flawed and how the barbaric treatment of people in "psychotic" states is a result of fear concerning that which we cannot, and may never know, how the STAGGERING cognitive dissonance of this entire goddam rotten culture shines thru in that, well “it has to be an illness because here in Texas call it an illness and we’re much smarter than them cavern people in nicaragua i’ll ya hwut” i will simply say that the terms "psychosis" and "schizophrenia",  “schizoaffective”, even “bipolar”, what have you, instantly bubble up negative images in our brains.  but who is to say "psychosis" is not actually just a spiritual or inner awakening, a connection with a reality that is not immediately present to most normal humans? i'll tell u who - the psychiatrists who at some point in the road do profit from pharmaceutical companies turning a pretty penny. this sounds very “edgy” and “counter-culture”, admittedly, i wouldn’t say that, but young people on the internet who feel like they’ve seen it all and done it all would say in response. so then who are those who discuss what we, well-dressed and well spoken white people in north america, call "psychosis", as instead this connection to some divine, some mystical force, something unexplainable but nonetheless very there in every day life? these people are the tribes-people of the third world, who are much less concerned with being on-the-dot right about scientific matters, about being exactly correct on many points they might consider not worth knowing, or decadently excessive in pursuing the answers of. these tribes folk take a community approach to the healing of people who lose their touch with reality, often these people are seen as links to another plane of reality, thereby being likely spiritual leaders or, "shaman" the prognosis for first episode psychosis is MUCH better in developing shitholes than here in the great big Canada.  there are actually so many reasons for this it's hard to not be angered by our poor treatment of these people, would-be targets of reverence in societies more concerned with morality or whatever else and less with "Well does God REALLY exist?" im getting tired of typing so 1.rather than talking, trying to understand the message of the person, who (and i can tell you from experience) is drawing MANY conclusions on MANY topics in their "mania", the person is instead called mad and what they say is simply nonsense, thats it thats all, nothing to see here folks, go home, game of thrones is on tonight, you got some shitty memes to tag your friend in.  2.overpopulation, its not feasible to treat people properly. medicate them, out of sight, out of mind  3. to keep the narrative of the perfect social servant is unerring and stoic in their "sanity", their "grasp of reality", that when someone clearly loses this so so important "grasp", they are made to be feared, or in many cases, a laughing stock. so in conclusion, excuse me for being hesitant to take these goddam pills that actually make me feel less and remember less of my life just for the removal of whatever chance there is that i F*CKING start scaring people for my thoughts and actions, because everyone's so in their little bubble of little consideration and zero imagination, skittish and ready to drop the hatchet on whatever doesn't fit into what they've come to expect, excuse me for being reticent to seriously state my beliefs when the stigma that follows this sort of of thing literally makes people delusional to the benefit of the the bottom line of a money-burning society, that actually clings to the current economic and political systems for fear of God forbid learning too much??!?!?  without going too deep into this - have you considered that your neurosis became my neurosis in how my, what you call "illness", was handled? so now i'm essentially condemned to a life of a medication that slows my metabolism, makes me hungry at night, whatever else, according to medical professionals that you will 100% of the time trust over me, unless i taper off or quit cold turkey and deal with literally the rest of my life worried that one day im gonna snap and get tazed, tackled by cops again, the whole fuckin song n dance.  excuse me for being crass, but i've had quite enough of believing that this dormant beast in my brain that only reared its head ONE YEAR after the initial case, with no symptoms leading up to the 2014 hospitalization, is an "illness" like diabetes or some cardiovascular condition.  i think it's time you listened to me, and understood that my perspective and the perspective of others who have been str8 ragdolled around by cops, nurses, pants cut off, tied to a bed, locked in a room, whatever horro movie type shit u could imagine, their and my perspective is tenfold more valuable than any psychiatrist, no matter how well spoken and well read.

#mental health #psychosis #schizophrenia #schizoaffective #bipolar

[prosenkhans]

Your body is not a temple. It’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.

It had to be the Salt Fish & Ackee. And the fried chicken. Of course the fuckin’ fried chicken.

Bourdain called Miss Ollie’s a taste of the “shiny, new Oakland”. You don’t see many tourists here, thank goodness, but the air of gentrification is present. Considered “Downtown Oakland”, you got the not-so-middle-class 20-30s something transplants messing about, bumping head long into 5th generation locals with A’s paraphernalia dangling from twin strollers. You’re just as likely to have a conversation with a person drinking craft IPA out of a laser etched glass to a person brown bagging a St. Ides 40 oz, chasing it with a Hennessy flat bottle they bury deep in their back pocket. It’s a normal thing here. The modern pressing against the traditional. “New money” and the “old school” of things. The social and economic divide that is prevalent so much here in the Bay Area. And still, the willingness by most to close that gap. The whole idea of “who’s town is this” will not be settled tonight. No. There is fish to be eaten. Chicken to be dunked in batter, fried golden, and devoured without utensils. People seem happy enough. Why not? The game is about to start.

It’s about 5:15 PM. The restaurant has yet to open for their dinner shift. And that is where I find myself, in an awkward situation as per usual, waiting in front of a door and peering into a kitchen staff hastily prepping for a Friday night. The idea was to order food and get the fuck home. I did not want to be around IF the Dubs won game 4 (they did). Not that I don’t enjoy a rowdy drunken crowd. Well I don’t actually. Not any more. Besides it wasn’t my victory, it wasn’t my team. Celebrating another’s victory just didn’t seem right, lighting fireworks and screaming in glee whilst turning over cars. Those aren’t my fireworks. I didn’t earn the drunken mob mentality to vandalize vehicles. I just didn’t want to be a buzz kill. No no. No, the only reason I stood there was because I wanted that damn salt fish and chicken! It had been a long day, made longer and mentally uncomfortable by learning that Bourdain had killed himself. No. Get the food, go home, take my pants off and sit on the couch and not so gently devour this stuff. Call it a half ass homage to the man whilst giving me some quiet time to really come to terms with all the thoughts running in my head. Oh and there was whiskey there. Pre-bought whiskey. Lots of it. Which undoubtedly has lead to this ranting essay.

When one writes shit like this it's impossible to avoid IT. The cliches, the flowery anecdotes, the over simplifications, and the glorifications of the recently passed individual. The stuff comes up because it's what we think about. However, I will say this. It a given family and friends are impacted most by a loss. Duh. Condolences, prayers up, what have you. It’s stating the obvious. What I think is escaping a lot of people is maybe we are never as close to someone we would like to think. We may love them. We may relate, appreciate, respect, and even be exceptionally close to them. But it’s becoming more and more evident to me that that UNDERSTANDING is a solo endeavor practiced by individuals specifically for their own self awareness.

We share only what we want people to see of us.

The word I most associate with Bourdain is “natural”. I know most people will go on and talk about his knowledge of the culinary world and his appreciation for amazing food. They’ll talk about his worldy travels and his willingness to immerse himself in the truest space of a city/country’s culture. People applaud and as well they should. Bourdain became the totem for all people with an ever growing sense of wanderlust. The question is why? There are plenty of who know food and culture and travel the world. Hell there are TONS of people on TV that do it and are dull as shit. So why Bourdain? Why is he, now that he is gone, ever so much more deified by those who wish to see our lives as 1/17th compelling as what he lived on screen? He was a natural. Or better yet, a “compelling natural asshole”. Yeah, that’s better.

First and foremost Bourdain was an artist. All of his shows went WELL beyond the norm of his contemporaries. In hindsight, his OG shows and the times in which he filmed them, they were damn near revolutionary. As budgets increased and skills got better, it became less so of an educational eating/travel show but more so of a docu-series of a man living in various moments. A man given the opportunity to perform a “dream job” and knowing fully well how damn lucky he was. Secondly, he was a writer. A good one. People will try to quote him in eulogy these days, but I find it hard to really pare it down. His shows were written so well that it felt like a never ending fount of inspiration meme fodder. Just Google it, you’ll see. And last, he was “cool”. And in the non pretentious type way. We just seemed like what he said, what he wore, what music was playing, hell what type of pop-cultural factoids he would equally praise and lacerate came not from a “marketing analysis report”, but a genuine opinion from a man who seemed unconcerned about the camera in his face.

What I can say is the dude gave off a vibe that drew people in. Or at least thats what he wanted to put out in the world.

I had to wait 15 minutes before I could order. Fuck. Hungry. I was starving at that moment. So even though I was annoyed and rather irritable after such a long and mentally draining day, I made my normally anti-social self do something Bourdain may have approved of. I mingled with strangers. Oh and I bought a beer. And a sausage. Of course a sausage.

Rosamunde’s was getting more crowded as the start of the game grew closer. People in their blue and gold, some with NBA Champion 2018 hats already on, even though the game hadn’t even started yet. Weird. But I made my way up to the shop keep and got my tube of meet and glass of malted hops. Yum. So with 10 minutes to kill I engaged in polite conversation with 2 gents hugging the wall. They were cousins, one local and other from LA. Of course naturally the conversation lead to basketball and the probability that all the people in this restaurant would be drunk off victory and tequila by nights end. They would be. It was a consensus. I wont prattle on about the specifics of the conversation, but within that short 10 minutes I found myself bouyed by their energy. They knew the good times to come, and they were eager to get there. And in that moment, they seemed genuinely happy. As the clock drew closer to the half hour, I started to excuse myself from the conversation. “Just stay, man! We gunna win, and then we’re gunna celebrate!” But I couldn’t. So with one last “Salanche!” (I had to teach them that Irish word), I bid them good evening and their team good luck. It wasn’t my place. Not right now. Besides, fried chicken awaited!

As I stepped away, a smile on my face, a thought in my head. Its natural when someone you admire leaves, especially in such a manner. People will focus more the WHY than anything else. I’ve resigned myself to a simple truth. We DO NOT know what anyone else is thinking. To say we UNDERSTAND another individual so completely that we can approximate their feelings, intent, and mannerism is foolhardy. It's arrogant. If there is anything that I’ve learned from Bourdain is this simple truth.......You don’t know shit. So stop guessing. Try and actually gain knowledge of, well everything. It simple requires effort and openness. And sometimes the willingness to look foolish and fall on your face.

I place my order with the lovely lady. No menu required. I knows what I want. I order a Mauby for the wait. “It’ll be like 10 minutes. You’re the first to order,” she says with a smile. I’m pretty sure she thinks my fatass is ordering for 2. Ha, oh well. I drink my weird soda and wait. And try not to dwell on the WHY.

I’ll simply state that I appreciate what Bourdain CHOSE to show us. All of it. Watch an episode of any of his shows, there is something unique about it. In every episode, Bourdain will turn from cocky asshat, to worldly listener, to foody goofball, to hipster hating old man, to a poetic soul, to an appreciated world travel, to an unwilling celebrity. There will be a facet of all those personas in each show. Every. Single. One. Now I can say that what he CHOSE to show us was a 61 year old man, full of success within a career that any of us would envy. A father of an 11 year old girl who did seemed truly proud of her developing into a full fledged human. A man who found passion and love in this “late” phase of life. A man who has grown healthier and wiser. A man, while still driven, seemed content with it all. And it apparently wasn’t. At all. So people can keep asking WHY all they want. I choose to look at it in a much more cynical view. If Bourdain, the master of the world, chose to exit it in such a state, where does that leave us?

It’s a sad thought that unicorns don’t exist.

7 swigs into my cane sugar soda, all the tables are filled. The room is bustling and the noise level increases. Smiling faces, happy banter. There is an energy in the air. But even in this moment, surrounded by the humanity, I felt alone. Lost in my own thoughts.

Bourdain once said he was “addicted to celebrity”. He wouldn’t have been as successful as he was did he not have the drive and arrogance to achieve it. Still, one would think that being placed upon a pedestal as a cultural and generational icon would become waring. On top of the 250 days of travel, he was Anthony fuckin’ Bourdain all the damn time. People see you and may potentially be expecting a life altering moment, a chance to be inspired by a simple word or action. They think they know you. And that’s with the cameras off. Even when they were rolling there are times where it is evident Bourdain was uncomfortable in his own skin. That he was crossing the velvet rope where he knew he shouldn’t. Where he was torn between enjoying a meal given to him by custom and his reluctance to be so decadent when there are impoverished families just feet away. We see a misfit become potentially what he never saw himself being. A standard bearer, a bougee VIP. A man who inspired a legion, a world of people to open their minds and hearts to other cultures through food and drink, through conversation over a meal. To take the back alley, and skip the IHOP on Main St. Ask a stranger where to get a drink instead of a guide book. To eat something you can’t pronounce. To let go of forethought and allow yourself to take the moment in. By doing so he became accepted as the norm, as how a utopian world should be. And while I hope he is proud to some degree for showing the world a new way to think, a part of me questions that by becoming a living legend, he lost that “outsider rebel” aspect of himself, his persona. That misfit.

The bell rings. My order is ready. The young lady puts everything in a bag. 2 sets of utensils. “I knew it,” I mutter to myself. “Did you say something honey?” she asks. “No,” I chuckle slightly. She smiles and turns her head to give me the inquisitive side eye. “Are you happy with everything,” she asks whimsically. I look down, and smell the food. I smile. “Yeah. Right now I am.”

So as I sit at home writing this, the last of the Ackee scrambled across my plate, I do feel a sense of sadness, but certainly appreciation. To Mr. Anthony Bourdain. I can only say “thanks”. I truly doubt we will know his full impact on society until years, generations later. But in this moment, I thank you. I probably wouldn’t have eaten this fish and chicken without him. And that in itself is worth a toast. Solanche, mutha fucker.

[adambstingus]

100 Things All Women Need To Know About Men (According to 100 Men)

Found on AskReddit.

1. Men aren’t mind readers.

Men arent mind readers…if you want something, be direct.

2. Guys are shy, too.

Guys are shy, too. Don’t be afraid to walk up and talk.

3. Not all men are rapists and sometimes a compliment really is just a compliment.

Not all men are rapists and sometimes a compliment really is just a compliment.

4. If you want a ‘bad boy,’ expect to be treated badly.

Don’t tell me you don’t like me because I’m a ‘nice guy’ and that most girls like ‘bad boys, and then come looking for a shoulder to cry on when he cheats on you or treats you like shit. Instead, go fuck yourself. I don’t care, because you got what you deserved. Next time, try looking for someone who cares about you, even if they’re ‘too nice.

5. It’s not OK to physically assault men, period.

It’s not OK to physically assault men, period. It doesn’t matter how small you are and how big the guy is. If you don’t disagree, walk away, voice your concern, or speak to the law.

6. We are just as emotionally complex as women are.

Men’s emotional lives are, pretty much across the board, just as complex and nuanced as women’s.

Also, there’s a whole ecosystem of subtle communication, competition, and one-upmanship between men (think Alpha/Beta but way more complicated) that is probably largely invisible to you.

We’ve had to navigate through it all our whole lives and sometimes it stinks.

7. Guys like getting compliments about their appearance, too.

Guys like getting compliments about their appearance, too; even just minor ones feel nice.

8. We are not machines. We are human, too.

We are not machines. We get sick. We can cry. We can be goofy or funny. We can be weak or scared. We can go limp. We can complain. We can be nice and sweet. Don’t make men out to be machismo meatheads who just walk around looking for sex and expect us to always be strong and confident and take charge on every single little thing. We are human, too. It’s not bad to be a nice guy.

9. Some of us actually are hopeless romantics.

That some of us actually are hopeless romantics. We want to find true love, too. Even then we will still make mistakes. Some of us it will be really stupid and think that we want different women just because that’s the way we are programmed. And sometimes it takes something big to make us realize that’s not what we want.

10. You shouldnt smack us down for showing emotions.

“ If we open up to you, let us do it instead of smacking us down for being emotional, you’ll have a friend for life.

Don’t assume what movies teach about men is at all accurate; seriously, my last girlfriend did and was perpetually worried I’d cheat even though I find the concept abhorrent.

If we’re quiet, it means we’re thinking, not angry.

We have a strong desire to protect the women in our life, whether that be our wife, our sister, or our grandmother even. We do get overprotective due to an admittedly over-reliance on our gut feelings, and we’re aware it’s annoying you, but humor us and you may be surprised with the results.

A mans younger siblings are extremely important; do not insult them if you want us to stay. Talking from experience here.

We worry over our bodies constantly, media bombards us with an ideal you have to work for years to attain and keep, similar to women, let us talk about it if we need to.

I’ll say it again: IF WE OPEN UP TO YOU, LET US!!! DON’T FUCKING SMACK US DOWN FOR BEING EMOTIONAL OR UNMANLY FFS.

11. Rom-coms don’t work in real life.

You know those movies where the woman is unpredictable, annoying, and generally crazy, but the man she is after falls in love with her anyway? That doesn’t work in real life. Seriously.

12. Never, ever, EVER make fun of a man’s penis.

Never, ever, EVER make fun of a man’s penis. It’s not a fucking game; sometimes shrinkage happens, sometimes I’m just not in the mood. I know that it’s just a game to you, but for us it’s a really big deal. Don’t know why, don’t care why, it just is.

13. I’m not inheriting a kingdom, so I won’t treat you like a princess.

No I won’t treat you like a princess. I’m not inheriting a kingdom, I’m looking for a life partner. My equal.

14. If you keep asking whether we’re angry with you, eventually we will be.

On disagreements: Sometimes a man will disagree with you. He has reasons for it. If you present an argument, and he abruptly says OK, fine, it means you have convinced him. It probably does not mean he’s angry with you. If you then ask, Are you angry at me? and he says no, he isn’t. But if you keep asking, then eventually he will be. Or maybe it’s just me.

15. Don’t use sex as a weapon.

If you weaponize sex, that’s a quick way for us to resent you. And of course if you do not want to do it you should not, but if you treat sex like it is some kind of privilege that your guy should only get it if he has been a good boy and treat it like a reward rather than a romantic and intimate activity that is equally pleasurable for the both of you, then that is a great way to kill any affection your guy has for you.

16. We are afraid of rejection.

Fear of rejection can be downright terrifying. I am lucky that my wife was direct and asked me out.

17. Give us the benefit of the doubt.

Unless we’re fighting, when we say something that can be taken one of two ways and one of the options is bad, we meant the good one.

18. We don’t think about sex every seven seconds.

Men don’t think about sex every 7 seconds. I read this from some womens magazine whilst waiting in the dentist’s office. These womens magazines perception of men is ridiculous.

19. Just say, ‘Sorry, no thanks’ if you don’t want to go out with us.

My deal is, if I ask a girl out and she’s not interested, saying, Sorry, no thanks or a variation thereof is perfectly acceptable. I’ll be more than happy to move the fuck on.

20. Don’t ever assume what’s going on in our minds.

Don’t ever assume what’s going on in our mind. You might think we’re having doubts about all this and things are going to shit so you start acting like it and then it gets all messed up and it’s over. The truth is we’re probably just thinking about the last episode of or something like that. If you want to know, ask!

21. Nonsense behavior will cause us to pull back.

We’re perfectly willing to invest, but nonsense behavior will, little by little, cause us to disinvest. That time you said you were upset and when I asked why, you said, Guess?I pulled back a little. When you started crying instead of articulating your feelings? I pulled back a little. When you developed double standards regarding behaviors that are okay for you but NOT for me? I pulled back A LOT.

22. Do not belittle our cocks.

Unless the guy is super hung, any insinuation that his cock is even a little less than ideal in terms of size hurts a lot. Even some hung guys actually feel like their cock is too small.

23. Say what you mean.

If you say something we’re most likely going to take it at face value.

Example:

Guy: Hey babe I’m going to go play cards at Zach’s tonight is that all right?

Girl: Yeah, that’s fine, stay out all night, I’m going to bed anyway.

Guy:

The guy was giving her the option to keep him home and she told him she was fine with it and she was tired.

24. Mean what you say.

This game of know what I want without me telling you bullshit has got to stop. I’m not a fuckin mind reader. I’m not in a relationship/marriage to play mind games. Tell me what’s on your mind or how you really feel, the guessing games must end. Alternatively, if you would rather me not do something, don’t tell me, ‘No, go ahead it’s fine,’ than get pissed when I do it. Just tell me you’d rather me not.

25. Stop hinting and just tell us what you want.

Your hints are useless. Say what you want. Also, when we pee sometimes we still get some on the floor. Even as adults.

26. If you want to see us happy, just get naked.

Trust me, when a woman is naked, 99% of the time we are happy beyond compare. No matter what you think you look like.

27. If youre not interested in the sex, were not interested in the sex.

If youre not interested in the sex, were not interested in the sex. If youre just going to lie there like a rag doll while we hump away, it gets boring real quick. Fuck, I could go service myself twice as fast with half the exertion if thats all its about. And on a related note, dont take masturbation personally. Its a literal physical need for men. Imagine walking around for a week with loaded sinuses and being told not to blow your nose. Thats literally how it feels down there when we’re backed up. Let us relieve a little pressure and get off our fucking backs. Its not about you.

28. If a guy likes you a lot, he will make time for you.

If a guy likes you a lot, he will make time for you. If you are getting a lot of maybes and excuses, just move on.

29. It doesn’t feel good to have a partner that does nothing but take.

When a guy is constantly doing all the initiating, all of the oral, and all of the work with no reciprocation, don’t act surprised when he stops calling. It doesn’t feel good to have a partner that does nothing but take.

I’ve heard a lot of, Well, I do a lot! Like x, y, and z! Just because it isn’t in the bedroom doesn’t mean it doesn’t count! Yes. Yes, it does mean it doesn’t count when we’re talking about sex. Doing nice things outside the bedroom doesn’t translate into appreciation for what you’re receiving inside the bedroom.

It’s like giving a dog a treat three days after he brings you the paper. How’s he know WTF you just gave him a treat for?

30. Bars aren’t the best place to meet the best guys.

There exist men willing to have serious relationships with youbut those men probably don’t spend their time at bars chatting you up the first time you glance in their direction.

31. Sometimes we just like to hold our balls.

Sometimes, when we’re on the couch, we just like to hold our balls. We’re not sexually aroused, we just like to hold them and know they are there.

32. If you routinely slap your man’s hand away, don’t be surprised if he stops reaching.

If you routinely slap your man’s hand away when he reaches for sex…don’t be surprised if he gets the point and stops reaching.

33. We quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings.

Assuming you’re dealing with a normal male, what we say is what we mean, and what we mean is what we say. Any hidden meanings are a fiction invented by you; we don’t use that channel to communicate.

Conversely, do not use obfuscated communication methods with men for important topics; the odds of us missing or misinterpreting such a communication are high.

Do not talk about problems unless you are prepared to discuss the solution.

If we say we don’t care, we don’t. Especially as regards what we eat. If we say we don’t care, we’re not saying we don’t care who we eat with or whether we’ll eat, only that we don’t care we eat or we eat.

We’re generally shit at going to the doctors or dentists. Even in countries where healthcare is free. Remind us to check for cancer from time to time, or do it for us where possible/appropriate.

Our emotions tend to build up over time, as we quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings. Fortunately, they also fade over time without any obvious outlets, so only sustained angst or serious trauma will have a long-lasting effect.

34. Don’t be nice when rejecting us.

Don’t be nice when rejecting someone. I’m a grown adult and can handle being told no. Just the other day I asked a girl what her plans were Friday and I got a I work all weekend because it’s graduation weekend, but maybe next time!

That could be a hint or genuine statement. Don’t leave shit up in the air, just be straight with us because for the love of god MEN CANNOT READ WOMENS MINDS.

P.S. If you get mad at me for something I did in a dream (I thought people joked about this until it happened to me), I now think youre batshit insane and rule number one is never stick your dick in crazy.

35. We love your big butt in those jeans.

Your butt looks big in those jeans, and we fuckin love it.

36. We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound.

We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound. Omg, i love your shirt! You are soooo. Funny!

37. Its okay to tell us, No, I would not be interested in going out with you.

Its okay to tell us, No, I would not be interested in going out with you. It makes things a lot easier than saying, Oh, sorry I cant make it my grandma died…my dog is sick…I have to do XYZ. Its a shitty hint, especially after having a seemingly engaging string of conversations.

38. A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.

A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.

39. Ignore all romantic advice from rom-coms.

Every piece of romantic advice you’ve gotten from a rom-com should be jettisoned as fast as possible. Hard to get does not work. Subtle hints are not going to be picked up on. There is no minimum waiting period for replying to texts, agreeing to a second date, resuming communicationanything. Put your cards on the table and be upfront. Men don’t hate a woman who says no; if anything, most men will be grateful that they can just move on. The happiest relationship I’ve ever been in began in one whirlwind night: We went from first date to drinks after to apartment in a single evening. I’m going to marry her once my bank balance has room for a ring in it.

40. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language.

Men are not fucking mind readers. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language. We play draughts, not chess.

41. Men don’t drop subtle hints.

When I ask, Do you know where the remote is?, I am not asking you to look for the remote. When I ask, Is this basket of laundry clean or dirty?, I am not asking you to do the laundry. When I say, We’re all out of milk, I am not asking you to drop everything and go shopping. For fuck’s sake, I’m just trying to exchange information with you. I’m not trying to drop subtle hints that I am unhappy and need you to do something, my God.

42. Please respect our privacy.

Oh yes, another thing: If I tell you, Please respect our privacy, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, and you turn around and tell all your friends…I will be upset and the relationship will probably not last.

43. If you say, ‘Nothing’s wrong,’ we will believe you.

If we ask, What’s wrong? and you answer, Nothing, we will behave exactly as if everything is OK.

44. Don’t try to make us jealous by talking about other guys.

Mentioning how many guys are going for you/chasing you doesn’t create the narrative of, Oh damn, she’s a hot commodity, better try harder. Instead its, Fuck, chasing her seems like it would be a lot of drama, better skip this one.

45. We are as insecure about ourselves as you are about yourselves.

We are as insecure about ourselves as you are about yourselves.

46. All men are different and they should be treated as such.

All men are different and they should be treated as such.

47. If you want us to do something, expect that we’ll do it our way.

If you want me to do something, expect that I’ll do it my way. If you want something done your way, you fuckin do it. This is the price of delegation.

48. We’re not always in the mood for sex.

Just because we can’t get an erection at a given moment, that doesn’t mean we’re not into you or that we don’t want to have sex. It’s not that simple.

49. If we compliment you, the best thing you can say is, Thank you.

If we compliment you, the best thing you can say is, Thank you. A self-deprecating joke about how we’re wrong is rarely charming.

50. We’re not interested in playing stupid games.

We can see through the Im fine bullshit. But if you say it three times, we’re going to let it go. It’s not because we aren’t aware it’s bullshit, and it’s not because we don’t careit’s because we’re not interested in playing stupid games.

51. If I tell you something in confidence, it’s really not OK for you to tell your best friends.

If I tell you something in confidence, it’s really not OK for you to tell your best friends. And it goes both ways.

52. Just tell us what you want to eat!

What do you want to eat. pls.

53. If you want us to do something, just come out and say it!

Most of us don’t get subtle hints; if you want us to do something, just come out and say it!

54. We can’t always tell when you’re flirting.

Don’t forget that one woman’s subtle hint’ is another woman’s ‘What? Are you kidding? I was fixing my hair, not flirting, you creep.

55. Your enthusiasm is what makes sex good for us.

What makes sex good? One thing more than anything. ENTHUSIASM. It doesn’t matter how hot you are if I’m banging you and you seem bored. Or if the BJ is like a chore or something. Nothing kills the mood quicker.

56. We can and do LITERALLY think of nothing. NOTHING.

We can and do LITERALLY think of nothing. NOTHING. No thought, no music in our head, just nothing. Complete silence in our head. It’s so calming and relaxing.

57. If you ask for my opinion, don’t get upset when I tell you my opinion.

If you ask for my opinion, don’t get upset when I tell you my opinion.

58. We can’t predict when you’re going to act like an evil gremlin.

Ive never owned a gremlin, so please don’t expect me to understand your feeding patterns and be able to predict when you’re going to become an evil monster because all you’ve eaten was some Melba toast 12 hours ago.

59. Men have a C-word as well that we hate to have attached to us.

Men have a C-word as well that we hate to have attached to us. It’s called Creep and encompasses Not my type to Level 3 sex offender and everything in between. It’s vastly subjective, applied liberally with very broad brushstrokes, and can occur with something as simple as looking past you to the beer menu and occasionally crossing glances. The majority of guys would really only like to: a) talk like adults, b) ask you to please step aside so we can get to the bartender, or c) continue being subconsciously aware of your existence but actively thinking about nothing. Indifference, the ultimate villainy.

60. We want black and white, so stop giving us grey.

I read a quote once that said something to the effect of: Guys want black and white and girls can only give grey. Please stop making this fucking true.

61. Don’t look for insults in everything we say to you.

If I say something to you, and it could possibly be interpreted multiple ways, I didn’t mean the one that pisses you off. Don’t look for insults in everything someone says to you.

62. We start to shut down when all the romance is coming from our end.

We like to be wooed as well. We start to shut down when all the romance is coming from our end.

63. Women change and men don’t.

Men fall for women and expect them never to change. But they do. Women fall for men and want to change them. But they dont.

64. We’ll probably go with the girl that jerks us around the least.

A little mystery & drawn-out flirting is good, but seriously, dont let it go on too long. Most guys are talking to more than one girl. Talking, not banging. And we’ll probably go with the one that jerks us around the least. Also when you asked what we’re thinking about & we say ‘nothing, we are not lying.

65. If we ask you to play a video game with us, that means we really like you.

If a man asks you to play a video game with him, and actually takes the time and patience to teach you how to play it, he really fucking likes you and wants to spend HOURS of quality time with you.

66. A man who treats waiters with respect is trustworthy.

A man who treats people who have lower status (e.g., waiters) with respect is trustworthy. A man who does not is not.

67. Men are actually very, very good listeners.

Men are actually very, very good listeners. We pay attention to what you actually say. If you say yes but you meant no, then the breakdown of communication is with you, not us. It’s really not our responsibility to learn what you really mean when you say something completely different.

68. We think in boxes.

Our manner of thinking is pretty different from women’s. The best analogy I have heard is that men think in boxes: If you want to talk about camping, we will take out the camping box; if you want to talk about houses, we put the camping box away and pull out the housing box. There is one box that has nothing in it and, if given the choice, that is the box we will go to every time and literally think about nothing. The nothing box is our favorite one.

69. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly what we want to do

Just because we both have the day off doesnt mean we have to fill it with shit to do. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly what I want to do.

70. Women are hornier than men.

You are hornier than us. Fuck what they told you. It’s true.

71. Never, ever call our penis ‘cute.’

Im surprised by the lack of penis knowledge most women possess, so here’s some information. 1. When we pee, it’s not this magical stream that starts and stops without dripping, and it doesn’t always shoot in a straight line. It can, and sometimes will, shoot out in multiple directions simultaneously at times. We’re not peeing on the seat on purpose, and it’s as frustrating to us as it is to you. 2. Like the joke by Dane Cook, our penis is kind of like an amoeba. It’s constantly changing shape, and you never really know what he’s going to look like at any given time. 3. To add on to the above post, let’s also talk about shrinkage. When we’re dehydrated, been swimming in the pool, or have just been generally very active, he’s going to be a shadow of himself when released to the world. We’re literally talking 1/3 to ¼ (sometimes even below) his full size. This is expected, but still a bit emasculating. Be an adult. 4. Never, ever, call him cute. Unless you want to talk about how big he is, don’t say a word.

72. We are much simpler than you think we are.

We are much simpler than you think we are. When you hear hoofbeats, think Horses, not Zebras.

73. We get annoyed when we find out you told your best friends our confidential secrets.

We get annoyed when we find out your best friends know everything about our relationship, including the secrets we told you in confidentiality.

74. GIRLS. CAN. ASK. GUYS. OUT.

GIRLS. CAN. ASK. GUYS. OUT. I cannot tell you how often it gets asked on Yik Yak at my university or I overhear girls deliberating over it with their friends if they can ask a guy out.

75. Don’t look for hidden meaning in what we say.

That men really don’t have anything behind what they’re saying. Like, if you’re going out to dinner and he says, That’s an interesting dress, literally he means it’s interesting. He doesn’t mean that it’s ugly, he doesn’t mean that you look fat, that your hair is ugly, that you have a nasty pimple on your chin, he really just thinks your dress is interesting. All the while you’re overanalyzing what he’s saying and thinking of 400 different meanings to what he said, he’s onto thinking about what he wants to eat at the restaurant.

76. When we say, I love you, we mean it.

When you say, I love you, I’m not always going to parrot it back. The reason is because love isn’t a Pavlovian response. When I say, I love you it is with thoughtful intent. I want my I love yous to have meaning.

77. Hints don’t work.

Hints don’t work. If you want something, ask for it. If you expect him to read your mind, you’re going to be disappointed a lot.

78. Don’t try to make us jealous.

Don’t try to make us jealous by pretending to like other guys. A lot of guys will just back off if they think you’re into someone else.

79. We listen to your problems so we can solve them.

If you ask us for advice, we will give you what we believe to be the best course of action. 90% of the time you will ignore us. 95% of the time you will think it’s stupid. But 99% of the time, it will be the simplest, most direct method to solve the problem. That’s what we do, we listen to your problems to solve them. It’s not what you want, but it’s what you get.

80. Don’t wait for us to initiate sex.

If you want to have sex, don’t wait for men to initiate. If a man always has to initiate into sex he will feel like you don’t want it and just do it because you make him feel good but don’t actually feel any pleasure yourself.

Also , when initiating, be pretty straightforward or use very obvious hints because we don’t get it. If you start touching a guy’s dick and he doesn’t understand that you want to have sex, yeah, that’s wrong. But if you give some sort of glance or just say something like, Oh, it’s been a long day and we’re supposed to work from there to understand that you want to have sex that’s not gonna work.

81. A lot of us want a woman that will make us feel loved.

A lot of us want a woman that will make us feel loved, not one who just gets loved.

82. Sometimes we just like to be alone.

Sometimes men just like to be alone; it’s not that we’re angry with you or ignoring you, we just like to be alone occasionally.

83. Don’t tell your friends about our sexual secrets.

If we tell you something about our sexual history or sexual predilections, it doesn’t mean we actually want to talk about or hear about it every time you think about it. We opened up enough to tell you some kooky, borderline stuff we did in the past; leave it alone, don’t bring it up, and definitely don’t bring it up lightly or use it as ammunition during an argument, and what’s more don’t tell your friends about it. This is personal stuff, and at some point grown-up relationships should be about integrity, mutual respect, and trusteven beyond the bounds of the relationship.

84. Give us feedback during sex.

Every vagina and their owner is different. Much like how every penis and their owner is different.

What may work for one, may not work for the other. So during sex, feel free to give feedback. Faster? Slower? Softer? Harder? Let us know what works, what doesn’t. Can we be doing things better? Tell us.

I dated one girl for over a year who told me she didn’t like how I fingered her. Seriously, she didn’t speak up about it for over a year because she felt awkward about it. So she essentially just wasted our time. If I am finger-banging or eating pussy, I’m not doing it for my sake. A little feedback and guidance isn’t going to kill my mood.

85. Constantly being on your phone while we’re out together makes us wonder why we’re actually there.

Maybe it’s just me, but constantly being on your phone while we’re out together makes me wonder why I’m actually there.

86. If you like a guy, tell him.

I don’t know if every guy would agree with this, but I don’t think it’s the rejection we’re afraid of. It’s the possibility of looking like some creep/loser if we ask you out and you say no. It’s the way you’ll see us from then on out that makes us afraid. The vulnerability. So honestly, if you like a guy, tell him. No guy should ever have a problem with a girl doing that; there’s nothing wrong with it. Don’t make us have to go through the whole fear of asking you out if you already want to tell us yourself.

87. Don’t blame us for things we do in YOUR dreams.

Women of the world!!!!

Guys cannot cheat in your dreams!

Three times it happened with an ex of mine. Three times she awoke in a complete strop, of course being the ever caring SO at the time I ask what’s wrong.

Supposedly I cheated with her best friend three times in HER dreams and I’m the one to blame.

I never cheated and never thought of cheating.

88. We need time with our friends, too.

Just because I want to spend the rest of my life with you does not mean I can’t have time with friends. Time apart is sometimes just as important as time together.

89. We shut down because arguing isn’t worth it.

If we shut down or stop responding during an argument, it doesn’t mean we stopped caring about your feelings or that you aren’t worth talking to or that we’re ignoring you. It means we just don’t want to make the argument worse or last longer than it needs to, because chances are, the argument wasn’t worth the energy to begin with.

90. Fuck off with the hints.

Fuck off with the hints (both, the “blatantly obvious” and subtle). We prefer direct, clear communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

91. Guys like being the little spoon sometimes, too.

Guys like being the little spoon sometimes, too.

92. Our legs are a Venus flytrap for our dicks.

When we’re spreading our legs, it’s most likely because our balls are uncomfortable. Side note, our legs are a Venus flytrap for our dicks.

93. We don’t get tired of your boobs.

We don’t get tired of your boobs. It’s a joy to see them literally every time. The same with touching them. You might not understand it…frankly, I don’t think we do, either. But for straight men, boobs are the physical embodiment of I’ve been with my SO for almost a decade and my eyes still up light every time. I’m not a very emotive person, but she’s noted my look of genuine happiness when I see them.

94. Don’t assume that we wanna cheat on you with our female friends.

Two things: 1. Unless you have a specific reason, don’t assume that we wanna cheat on you with our female friends. It can be a little insulting.2. Men are very literal. If we tell you we love you or that you’re beautiful, we tend to mean exactly that.

95. Even if you hit us playfully, it still hurts.

Just because a man is physically bigger than you doesn’t mean that punching, kicking, or slapping him doesn’t hurteven if it’s done playfully. We aren’t trees or rocks. Pain still hurts.

96. Im not obligated to still be as attracted to you if you get fat and unhealthy.

Im not obligated to still be as attracted to you if you get fat and unhealthy. I feel this goes both ways.

96. When we break up, please keep the jewelry we gave you.

When a breakup does happen don’t go trying to give back things we gave to you e.g., jewelry, etc. A) we find it hurtful, like there is no sentimental value to our time together. B) what am I gonna do with girls’ jewelry/stuff? C) it may just end up coming across like you are trying to intentionally cause us pain by giving such things back, like a reminder of your existence.

98. The older we get, the less time we’re willing to spend “chasing” you.

The older we get, the less time we’re willing to spend ‘chasing’ you. If I’m interested, and you’re interested, there should be no reason for you to still be playing hard to get and taking longer than two requests for your time to agree to a date. Either commit or tell me you’re not interested. I’m 30. Dating at this age consists of ‘Are we doing this or not? I got shit to do.’

99. If you bring us problems, we will offer solutions.

If you bring us problems, we will offer solutions. That is our way of showing that we have listened and that we care.

100. We don’t run the world.

There is a mountain of men that are really struggling. We don’t run the world. In fact, a very large percentage of us will kill ourselves. 79% of suicides are males (US). White males represent 70% of suicides overall.

And yet, not a single candidate seems to be expressing any desire to combat any of this. As have no candidates in decades.

The Men’s Rights movement is something that seems to piss off a lot of people. But this is one of our biggest concerns. Personally, I get very upset when I hear economically debunked wage gap lies perpetrated repeatedly, year-after-year. Wage gap. #HeForShe. #BringBackOurGirls. Mansplaining. Manspreading. Alarming rate of suicide in males? Crickets. Massively disproportionate rates of violent crime? BORING. Schoolboys being burned alive or forced into being child soldiers? #BringBackOurBoys? HA! More like #BringBackMyKardashians, am I right!?

There is a vast lack of perspective missing from today’s social justice warriors, corrupt politicians, and ideologues. Men are struggling. Boys are struggling. Worldwide, even.

Crickets.

In the past week, the woman who once claimed, Women have always been the primary victims of war made another sexist plea to further denigrate the worth of male life. In spite of the FACT that women receive 63% (SIXTY-THREE PERCENT) lighter sentences than men for the same crime if they are prosecuted at ALL, Hillary Clinton feels that the criminal justice system is unfair…to women. Because putting women in prison takes them away from their families. And, obviously, men being away from their families is no big deal.

Advocates for the acknowledgement of men’s issues do not hate you, women. But I do hate every last harpy that has shouted down people (men, women, trans alike) just trying to speak about men’s struggles. I do hate the COUNTLESS not-true feminists I see littering Twitter with continued attempts to minimize men’s issues, or proudly posting their #MaleTears selfies. I DON’T hate, but proudly champion, the amazing women that ARE trying to bring light to these issues. The kinds of women who DON’T just sit there when their friends are all joking about how men are worthless or only good for one thing (thanks, wife, for calling out double standards).

And that’s why I don’t hate women. Like most MRAs. We love women. We’ve most likely been raised by amazing women, grown up with them as siblings, dated and married them. There are mountains of you that are NOT the problem. But we need your help. We need your cooperation and insistence on fact-based politics, not gender-based. The wage gap continues to be an issue liberal candidates will espouse, in the face of economic and statistical proof to the illegitimacy of the argument, simply because a large percentage of people seem to want to hear it. There is a race, it seems, to victimhood. Who am I to judge most things, but I feel fairly confident in saying that the prevention of male suicide and homelessness deserves more of our airtime, advertising, outreach, and funding than a wage gap myth that is repeatedly debunked under the slightest bit of academic scrutiny (or at the very least, reduced to a range that is within a standard margin of error).

This simple belief will undoubtedly be met with shouts of misogyny. I am a misogynist simply for prioritizing a concrete, factual narrative that prioritizes a life-and-death issue.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/100-things-all-women-need-to-know-about-men-according-to-100-men/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/170128730107

[samanthasroberts]

100 Things All Women Need To Know About Men (According to 100 Men)

Found on AskReddit.

1. Men aren’t mind readers.

Men arent mind readers…if you want something, be direct.

2. Guys are shy, too.

Guys are shy, too. Don’t be afraid to walk up and talk.

3. Not all men are rapists and sometimes a compliment really is just a compliment.

Not all men are rapists and sometimes a compliment really is just a compliment.

4. If you want a ‘bad boy,’ expect to be treated badly.

Don’t tell me you don’t like me because I’m a ‘nice guy’ and that most girls like ‘bad boys, and then come looking for a shoulder to cry on when he cheats on you or treats you like shit. Instead, go fuck yourself. I don’t care, because you got what you deserved. Next time, try looking for someone who cares about you, even if they’re ‘too nice.

5. It’s not OK to physically assault men, period.

It’s not OK to physically assault men, period. It doesn’t matter how small you are and how big the guy is. If you don’t disagree, walk away, voice your concern, or speak to the law.

6. We are just as emotionally complex as women are.

Men’s emotional lives are, pretty much across the board, just as complex and nuanced as women’s.

Also, there’s a whole ecosystem of subtle communication, competition, and one-upmanship between men (think Alpha/Beta but way more complicated) that is probably largely invisible to you.

We’ve had to navigate through it all our whole lives and sometimes it stinks.

7. Guys like getting compliments about their appearance, too.

Guys like getting compliments about their appearance, too; even just minor ones feel nice.

8. We are not machines. We are human, too.

We are not machines. We get sick. We can cry. We can be goofy or funny. We can be weak or scared. We can go limp. We can complain. We can be nice and sweet. Don’t make men out to be machismo meatheads who just walk around looking for sex and expect us to always be strong and confident and take charge on every single little thing. We are human, too. It’s not bad to be a nice guy.

9. Some of us actually are hopeless romantics.

That some of us actually are hopeless romantics. We want to find true love, too. Even then we will still make mistakes. Some of us it will be really stupid and think that we want different women just because that’s the way we are programmed. And sometimes it takes something big to make us realize that’s not what we want.

10. You shouldnt smack us down for showing emotions.

“ If we open up to you, let us do it instead of smacking us down for being emotional, you’ll have a friend for life.

Don’t assume what movies teach about men is at all accurate; seriously, my last girlfriend did and was perpetually worried I’d cheat even though I find the concept abhorrent.

If we’re quiet, it means we’re thinking, not angry.

We have a strong desire to protect the women in our life, whether that be our wife, our sister, or our grandmother even. We do get overprotective due to an admittedly over-reliance on our gut feelings, and we’re aware it’s annoying you, but humor us and you may be surprised with the results.

A mans younger siblings are extremely important; do not insult them if you want us to stay. Talking from experience here.

We worry over our bodies constantly, media bombards us with an ideal you have to work for years to attain and keep, similar to women, let us talk about it if we need to.

I’ll say it again: IF WE OPEN UP TO YOU, LET US!!! DON’T FUCKING SMACK US DOWN FOR BEING EMOTIONAL OR UNMANLY FFS.

11. Rom-coms don’t work in real life.

You know those movies where the woman is unpredictable, annoying, and generally crazy, but the man she is after falls in love with her anyway? That doesn’t work in real life. Seriously.

12. Never, ever, EVER make fun of a man’s penis.

Never, ever, EVER make fun of a man’s penis. It’s not a fucking game; sometimes shrinkage happens, sometimes I’m just not in the mood. I know that it’s just a game to you, but for us it’s a really big deal. Don’t know why, don’t care why, it just is.

13. I’m not inheriting a kingdom, so I won’t treat you like a princess.

No I won’t treat you like a princess. I’m not inheriting a kingdom, I’m looking for a life partner. My equal.

14. If you keep asking whether we’re angry with you, eventually we will be.

On disagreements: Sometimes a man will disagree with you. He has reasons for it. If you present an argument, and he abruptly says OK, fine, it means you have convinced him. It probably does not mean he’s angry with you. If you then ask, Are you angry at me? and he says no, he isn’t. But if you keep asking, then eventually he will be. Or maybe it’s just me.

15. Don’t use sex as a weapon.

If you weaponize sex, that’s a quick way for us to resent you. And of course if you do not want to do it you should not, but if you treat sex like it is some kind of privilege that your guy should only get it if he has been a good boy and treat it like a reward rather than a romantic and intimate activity that is equally pleasurable for the both of you, then that is a great way to kill any affection your guy has for you.

16. We are afraid of rejection.

Fear of rejection can be downright terrifying. I am lucky that my wife was direct and asked me out.

17. Give us the benefit of the doubt.

Unless we’re fighting, when we say something that can be taken one of two ways and one of the options is bad, we meant the good one.

18. We don’t think about sex every seven seconds.

Men don’t think about sex every 7 seconds. I read this from some womens magazine whilst waiting in the dentist’s office. These womens magazines perception of men is ridiculous.

19. Just say, ‘Sorry, no thanks’ if you don’t want to go out with us.

My deal is, if I ask a girl out and she’s not interested, saying, Sorry, no thanks or a variation thereof is perfectly acceptable. I’ll be more than happy to move the fuck on.

20. Don’t ever assume what’s going on in our minds.

Don’t ever assume what’s going on in our mind. You might think we’re having doubts about all this and things are going to shit so you start acting like it and then it gets all messed up and it’s over. The truth is we’re probably just thinking about the last episode of or something like that. If you want to know, ask!

21. Nonsense behavior will cause us to pull back.

We’re perfectly willing to invest, but nonsense behavior will, little by little, cause us to disinvest. That time you said you were upset and when I asked why, you said, Guess?I pulled back a little. When you started crying instead of articulating your feelings? I pulled back a little. When you developed double standards regarding behaviors that are okay for you but NOT for me? I pulled back A LOT.

22. Do not belittle our cocks.

Unless the guy is super hung, any insinuation that his cock is even a little less than ideal in terms of size hurts a lot. Even some hung guys actually feel like their cock is too small.

23. Say what you mean.

If you say something we’re most likely going to take it at face value.

Example:

Guy: Hey babe I’m going to go play cards at Zach’s tonight is that all right?

Girl: Yeah, that’s fine, stay out all night, I’m going to bed anyway.

Guy:

The guy was giving her the option to keep him home and she told him she was fine with it and she was tired.

24. Mean what you say.

This game of know what I want without me telling you bullshit has got to stop. I’m not a fuckin mind reader. I’m not in a relationship/marriage to play mind games. Tell me what’s on your mind or how you really feel, the guessing games must end. Alternatively, if you would rather me not do something, don’t tell me, ‘No, go ahead it’s fine,’ than get pissed when I do it. Just tell me you’d rather me not.

25. Stop hinting and just tell us what you want.

Your hints are useless. Say what you want. Also, when we pee sometimes we still get some on the floor. Even as adults.

26. If you want to see us happy, just get naked.

Trust me, when a woman is naked, 99% of the time we are happy beyond compare. No matter what you think you look like.

27. If youre not interested in the sex, were not interested in the sex.

If youre not interested in the sex, were not interested in the sex. If youre just going to lie there like a rag doll while we hump away, it gets boring real quick. Fuck, I could go service myself twice as fast with half the exertion if thats all its about. And on a related note, dont take masturbation personally. Its a literal physical need for men. Imagine walking around for a week with loaded sinuses and being told not to blow your nose. Thats literally how it feels down there when we’re backed up. Let us relieve a little pressure and get off our fucking backs. Its not about you.

28. If a guy likes you a lot, he will make time for you.

If a guy likes you a lot, he will make time for you. If you are getting a lot of maybes and excuses, just move on.

29. It doesn’t feel good to have a partner that does nothing but take.

When a guy is constantly doing all the initiating, all of the oral, and all of the work with no reciprocation, don’t act surprised when he stops calling. It doesn’t feel good to have a partner that does nothing but take.

I’ve heard a lot of, Well, I do a lot! Like x, y, and z! Just because it isn’t in the bedroom doesn’t mean it doesn’t count! Yes. Yes, it does mean it doesn’t count when we’re talking about sex. Doing nice things outside the bedroom doesn’t translate into appreciation for what you’re receiving inside the bedroom.

It’s like giving a dog a treat three days after he brings you the paper. How’s he know WTF you just gave him a treat for?

30. Bars aren’t the best place to meet the best guys.

There exist men willing to have serious relationships with youbut those men probably don’t spend their time at bars chatting you up the first time you glance in their direction.

31. Sometimes we just like to hold our balls.

Sometimes, when we’re on the couch, we just like to hold our balls. We’re not sexually aroused, we just like to hold them and know they are there.

32. If you routinely slap your man’s hand away, don’t be surprised if he stops reaching.

If you routinely slap your man’s hand away when he reaches for sex…don’t be surprised if he gets the point and stops reaching.

33. We quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings.

Assuming you’re dealing with a normal male, what we say is what we mean, and what we mean is what we say. Any hidden meanings are a fiction invented by you; we don’t use that channel to communicate.

Conversely, do not use obfuscated communication methods with men for important topics; the odds of us missing or misinterpreting such a communication are high.

Do not talk about problems unless you are prepared to discuss the solution.

If we say we don’t care, we don’t. Especially as regards what we eat. If we say we don’t care, we’re not saying we don’t care who we eat with or whether we’ll eat, only that we don’t care we eat or we eat.

We’re generally shit at going to the doctors or dentists. Even in countries where healthcare is free. Remind us to check for cancer from time to time, or do it for us where possible/appropriate.

Our emotions tend to build up over time, as we quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings. Fortunately, they also fade over time without any obvious outlets, so only sustained angst or serious trauma will have a long-lasting effect.

34. Don’t be nice when rejecting us.

Don’t be nice when rejecting someone. I’m a grown adult and can handle being told no. Just the other day I asked a girl what her plans were Friday and I got a I work all weekend because it’s graduation weekend, but maybe next time!

That could be a hint or genuine statement. Don’t leave shit up in the air, just be straight with us because for the love of god MEN CANNOT READ WOMENS MINDS.

P.S. If you get mad at me for something I did in a dream (I thought people joked about this until it happened to me), I now think youre batshit insane and rule number one is never stick your dick in crazy.

35. We love your big butt in those jeans.

Your butt looks big in those jeans, and we fuckin love it.

36. We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound.

We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound. Omg, i love your shirt! You are soooo. Funny!

37. Its okay to tell us, No, I would not be interested in going out with you.

Its okay to tell us, No, I would not be interested in going out with you. It makes things a lot easier than saying, Oh, sorry I cant make it my grandma died…my dog is sick…I have to do XYZ. Its a shitty hint, especially after having a seemingly engaging string of conversations.

38. A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.

A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.

39. Ignore all romantic advice from rom-coms.

Every piece of romantic advice you’ve gotten from a rom-com should be jettisoned as fast as possible. Hard to get does not work. Subtle hints are not going to be picked up on. There is no minimum waiting period for replying to texts, agreeing to a second date, resuming communicationanything. Put your cards on the table and be upfront. Men don’t hate a woman who says no; if anything, most men will be grateful that they can just move on. The happiest relationship I’ve ever been in began in one whirlwind night: We went from first date to drinks after to apartment in a single evening. I’m going to marry her once my bank balance has room for a ring in it.

40. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language.

Men are not fucking mind readers. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language. We play draughts, not chess.

41. Men don’t drop subtle hints.

When I ask, Do you know where the remote is?, I am not asking you to look for the remote. When I ask, Is this basket of laundry clean or dirty?, I am not asking you to do the laundry. When I say, We’re all out of milk, I am not asking you to drop everything and go shopping. For fuck’s sake, I’m just trying to exchange information with you. I’m not trying to drop subtle hints that I am unhappy and need you to do something, my God.

42. Please respect our privacy.

Oh yes, another thing: If I tell you, Please respect our privacy, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, and you turn around and tell all your friends…I will be upset and the relationship will probably not last.

43. If you say, ‘Nothing’s wrong,’ we will believe you.

If we ask, What’s wrong? and you answer, Nothing, we will behave exactly as if everything is OK.

44. Don’t try to make us jealous by talking about other guys.

Mentioning how many guys are going for you/chasing you doesn’t create the narrative of, Oh damn, she’s a hot commodity, better try harder. Instead its, Fuck, chasing her seems like it would be a lot of drama, better skip this one.

45. We are as insecure about ourselves as you are about yourselves.

We are as insecure about ourselves as you are about yourselves.

46. All men are different and they should be treated as such.

All men are different and they should be treated as such.

47. If you want us to do something, expect that we’ll do it our way.

If you want me to do something, expect that I’ll do it my way. If you want something done your way, you fuckin do it. This is the price of delegation.

48. We’re not always in the mood for sex.

Just because we can’t get an erection at a given moment, that doesn’t mean we’re not into you or that we don’t want to have sex. It’s not that simple.

49. If we compliment you, the best thing you can say is, Thank you.

If we compliment you, the best thing you can say is, Thank you. A self-deprecating joke about how we’re wrong is rarely charming.

50. We’re not interested in playing stupid games.

We can see through the Im fine bullshit. But if you say it three times, we’re going to let it go. It’s not because we aren’t aware it’s bullshit, and it’s not because we don’t careit’s because we’re not interested in playing stupid games.

51. If I tell you something in confidence, it’s really not OK for you to tell your best friends.

If I tell you something in confidence, it’s really not OK for you to tell your best friends. And it goes both ways.

52. Just tell us what you want to eat!

What do you want to eat. pls.

53. If you want us to do something, just come out and say it!

Most of us don’t get subtle hints; if you want us to do something, just come out and say it!

54. We can’t always tell when you’re flirting.

Don’t forget that one woman’s subtle hint’ is another woman’s ‘What? Are you kidding? I was fixing my hair, not flirting, you creep.

55. Your enthusiasm is what makes sex good for us.

What makes sex good? One thing more than anything. ENTHUSIASM. It doesn’t matter how hot you are if I’m banging you and you seem bored. Or if the BJ is like a chore or something. Nothing kills the mood quicker.

56. We can and do LITERALLY think of nothing. NOTHING.

We can and do LITERALLY think of nothing. NOTHING. No thought, no music in our head, just nothing. Complete silence in our head. It’s so calming and relaxing.

57. If you ask for my opinion, don’t get upset when I tell you my opinion.

If you ask for my opinion, don’t get upset when I tell you my opinion.

58. We can’t predict when you’re going to act like an evil gremlin.

Ive never owned a gremlin, so please don’t expect me to understand your feeding patterns and be able to predict when you’re going to become an evil monster because all you’ve eaten was some Melba toast 12 hours ago.

59. Men have a C-word as well that we hate to have attached to us.

Men have a C-word as well that we hate to have attached to us. It’s called Creep and encompasses Not my type to Level 3 sex offender and everything in between. It’s vastly subjective, applied liberally with very broad brushstrokes, and can occur with something as simple as looking past you to the beer menu and occasionally crossing glances. The majority of guys would really only like to: a) talk like adults, b) ask you to please step aside so we can get to the bartender, or c) continue being subconsciously aware of your existence but actively thinking about nothing. Indifference, the ultimate villainy.

60. We want black and white, so stop giving us grey.

I read a quote once that said something to the effect of: Guys want black and white and girls can only give grey. Please stop making this fucking true.

61. Don’t look for insults in everything we say to you.

If I say something to you, and it could possibly be interpreted multiple ways, I didn’t mean the one that pisses you off. Don’t look for insults in everything someone says to you.

62. We start to shut down when all the romance is coming from our end.

We like to be wooed as well. We start to shut down when all the romance is coming from our end.

63. Women change and men don’t.

Men fall for women and expect them never to change. But they do. Women fall for men and want to change them. But they dont.

64. We’ll probably go with the girl that jerks us around the least.

A little mystery & drawn-out flirting is good, but seriously, dont let it go on too long. Most guys are talking to more than one girl. Talking, not banging. And we’ll probably go with the one that jerks us around the least. Also when you asked what we’re thinking about & we say ‘nothing, we are not lying.

65. If we ask you to play a video game with us, that means we really like you.

If a man asks you to play a video game with him, and actually takes the time and patience to teach you how to play it, he really fucking likes you and wants to spend HOURS of quality time with you.

66. A man who treats waiters with respect is trustworthy.

A man who treats people who have lower status (e.g., waiters) with respect is trustworthy. A man who does not is not.

67. Men are actually very, very good listeners.

Men are actually very, very good listeners. We pay attention to what you actually say. If you say yes but you meant no, then the breakdown of communication is with you, not us. It’s really not our responsibility to learn what you really mean when you say something completely different.

68. We think in boxes.

Our manner of thinking is pretty different from women’s. The best analogy I have heard is that men think in boxes: If you want to talk about camping, we will take out the camping box; if you want to talk about houses, we put the camping box away and pull out the housing box. There is one box that has nothing in it and, if given the choice, that is the box we will go to every time and literally think about nothing. The nothing box is our favorite one.

69. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly what we want to do

Just because we both have the day off doesnt mean we have to fill it with shit to do. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly what I want to do.

70. Women are hornier than men.

You are hornier than us. Fuck what they told you. It’s true.

71. Never, ever call our penis ‘cute.’

Im surprised by the lack of penis knowledge most women possess, so here’s some information. 1. When we pee, it’s not this magical stream that starts and stops without dripping, and it doesn’t always shoot in a straight line. It can, and sometimes will, shoot out in multiple directions simultaneously at times. We’re not peeing on the seat on purpose, and it’s as frustrating to us as it is to you. 2. Like the joke by Dane Cook, our penis is kind of like an amoeba. It’s constantly changing shape, and you never really know what he’s going to look like at any given time. 3. To add on to the above post, let’s also talk about shrinkage. When we’re dehydrated, been swimming in the pool, or have just been generally very active, he’s going to be a shadow of himself when released to the world. We’re literally talking 1/3 to 1/4 (sometimes even below) his full size. This is expected, but still a bit emasculating. Be an adult. 4. Never, ever, call him cute. Unless you want to talk about how big he is, don’t say a word.

72. We are much simpler than you think we are.

We are much simpler than you think we are. When you hear hoofbeats, think Horses, not Zebras.

73. We get annoyed when we find out you told your best friends our confidential secrets.

We get annoyed when we find out your best friends know everything about our relationship, including the secrets we told you in confidentiality.

74. GIRLS. CAN. ASK. GUYS. OUT.

GIRLS. CAN. ASK. GUYS. OUT. I cannot tell you how often it gets asked on Yik Yak at my university or I overhear girls deliberating over it with their friends if they can ask a guy out.

75. Don’t look for hidden meaning in what we say.

That men really don’t have anything behind what they’re saying. Like, if you’re going out to dinner and he says, That’s an interesting dress, literally he means it’s interesting. He doesn’t mean that it’s ugly, he doesn’t mean that you look fat, that your hair is ugly, that you have a nasty pimple on your chin, he really just thinks your dress is interesting. All the while you’re overanalyzing what he’s saying and thinking of 400 different meanings to what he said, he’s onto thinking about what he wants to eat at the restaurant.

76. When we say, I love you, we mean it.

When you say, I love you, I’m not always going to parrot it back. The reason is because love isn’t a Pavlovian response. When I say, I love you it is with thoughtful intent. I want my I love yous to have meaning.

77. Hints don’t work.

Hints don’t work. If you want something, ask for it. If you expect him to read your mind, you’re going to be disappointed a lot.

78. Don’t try to make us jealous.

Don’t try to make us jealous by pretending to like other guys. A lot of guys will just back off if they think you’re into someone else.

79. We listen to your problems so we can solve them.

If you ask us for advice, we will give you what we believe to be the best course of action. 90% of the time you will ignore us. 95% of the time you will think it’s stupid. But 99% of the time, it will be the simplest, most direct method to solve the problem. That’s what we do, we listen to your problems to solve them. It’s not what you want, but it’s what you get.

80. Don’t wait for us to initiate sex.

If you want to have sex, don’t wait for men to initiate. If a man always has to initiate into sex he will feel like you don’t want it and just do it because you make him feel good but don’t actually feel any pleasure yourself.

Also , when initiating, be pretty straightforward or use very obvious hints because we don’t get it. If you start touching a guy’s dick and he doesn’t understand that you want to have sex, yeah, that’s wrong. But if you give some sort of glance or just say something like, Oh, it’s been a long day and we’re supposed to work from there to understand that you want to have sex that’s not gonna work.

81. A lot of us want a woman that will make us feel loved.

A lot of us want a woman that will make us feel loved, not one who just gets loved.

82. Sometimes we just like to be alone.

Sometimes men just like to be alone; it’s not that we’re angry with you or ignoring you, we just like to be alone occasionally.

83. Don’t tell your friends about our sexual secrets.

If we tell you something about our sexual history or sexual predilections, it doesn’t mean we actually want to talk about or hear about it every time you think about it. We opened up enough to tell you some kooky, borderline stuff we did in the past; leave it alone, don’t bring it up, and definitely don’t bring it up lightly or use it as ammunition during an argument, and what’s more don’t tell your friends about it. This is personal stuff, and at some point grown-up relationships should be about integrity, mutual respect, and trusteven beyond the bounds of the relationship.

84. Give us feedback during sex.

Every vagina and their owner is different. Much like how every penis and their owner is different.

What may work for one, may not work for the other. So during sex, feel free to give feedback. Faster? Slower? Softer? Harder? Let us know what works, what doesn’t. Can we be doing things better? Tell us.

I dated one girl for over a year who told me she didn’t like how I fingered her. Seriously, she didn’t speak up about it for over a year because she felt awkward about it. So she essentially just wasted our time. If I am finger-banging or eating pussy, I’m not doing it for my sake. A little feedback and guidance isn’t going to kill my mood.

85. Constantly being on your phone while we’re out together makes us wonder why we’re actually there.

Maybe it’s just me, but constantly being on your phone while we’re out together makes me wonder why I’m actually there.

86. If you like a guy, tell him.

I don’t know if every guy would agree with this, but I don’t think it’s the rejection we’re afraid of. It’s the possibility of looking like some creep/loser if we ask you out and you say no. It’s the way you’ll see us from then on out that makes us afraid. The vulnerability. So honestly, if you like a guy, tell him. No guy should ever have a problem with a girl doing that; there’s nothing wrong with it. Don’t make us have to go through the whole fear of asking you out if you already want to tell us yourself.

87. Don’t blame us for things we do in YOUR dreams.

Women of the world!!!!

Guys cannot cheat in your dreams!

Three times it happened with an ex of mine. Three times she awoke in a complete strop, of course being the ever caring SO at the time I ask what’s wrong.

Supposedly I cheated with her best friend three times in HER dreams and I’m the one to blame.

I never cheated and never thought of cheating.

88. We need time with our friends, too.

Just because I want to spend the rest of my life with you does not mean I can’t have time with friends. Time apart is sometimes just as important as time together.

89. We shut down because arguing isn’t worth it.

If we shut down or stop responding during an argument, it doesn’t mean we stopped caring about your feelings or that you aren’t worth talking to or that we’re ignoring you. It means we just don’t want to make the argument worse or last longer than it needs to, because chances are, the argument wasn’t worth the energy to begin with.

90. Fuck off with the hints.

Fuck off with the hints (both, the “blatantly obvious” and subtle). We prefer direct, clear communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

91. Guys like being the little spoon sometimes, too.

Guys like being the little spoon sometimes, too.

92. Our legs are a Venus flytrap for our dicks.

When we’re spreading our legs, it’s most likely because our balls are uncomfortable. Side note, our legs are a Venus flytrap for our dicks.

93. We don’t get tired of your boobs.

We don’t get tired of your boobs. It’s a joy to see them literally every time. The same with touching them. You might not understand it…frankly, I don’t think we do, either. But for straight men, boobs are the physical embodiment of I’ve been with my SO for almost a decade and my eyes still up light every time. I’m not a very emotive person, but she’s noted my look of genuine happiness when I see them.

94. Don’t assume that we wanna cheat on you with our female friends.

Two things: 1. Unless you have a specific reason, don’t assume that we wanna cheat on you with our female friends. It can be a little insulting.2. Men are very literal. If we tell you we love you or that you’re beautiful, we tend to mean exactly that.

95. Even if you hit us playfully, it still hurts.

Just because a man is physically bigger than you doesn’t mean that punching, kicking, or slapping him doesn’t hurteven if it’s done playfully. We aren’t trees or rocks. Pain still hurts.

96. Im not obligated to still be as attracted to you if you get fat and unhealthy.

Im not obligated to still be as attracted to you if you get fat and unhealthy. I feel this goes both ways.

96. When we break up, please keep the jewelry we gave you.

When a breakup does happen don’t go trying to give back things we gave to you e.g., jewelry, etc. A) we find it hurtful, like there is no sentimental value to our time together. B) what am I gonna do with girls’ jewelry/stuff? C) it may just end up coming across like you are trying to intentionally cause us pain by giving such things back, like a reminder of your existence.

98. The older we get, the less time we’re willing to spend “chasing” you.

The older we get, the less time we’re willing to spend ‘chasing’ you. If I’m interested, and you’re interested, there should be no reason for you to still be playing hard to get and taking longer than two requests for your time to agree to a date. Either commit or tell me you’re not interested. I’m 30. Dating at this age consists of ‘Are we doing this or not? I got shit to do.’

99. If you bring us problems, we will offer solutions.

If you bring us problems, we will offer solutions. That is our way of showing that we have listened and that we care.

100. We don’t run the world.

There is a mountain of men that are really struggling. We don’t run the world. In fact, a very large percentage of us will kill ourselves. 79% of suicides are males (US). White males represent 70% of suicides overall.

And yet, not a single candidate seems to be expressing any desire to combat any of this. As have no candidates in decades.

The Men’s Rights movement is something that seems to piss off a lot of people. But this is one of our biggest concerns. Personally, I get very upset when I hear economically debunked wage gap lies perpetrated repeatedly, year-after-year. Wage gap. #HeForShe. #BringBackOurGirls. Mansplaining. Manspreading. Alarming rate of suicide in males? Crickets. Massively disproportionate rates of violent crime? BORING. Schoolboys being burned alive or forced into being child soldiers? #BringBackOurBoys? HA! More like #BringBackMyKardashians, am I right!?

There is a vast lack of perspective missing from today’s social justice warriors, corrupt politicians, and ideologues. Men are struggling. Boys are struggling. Worldwide, even.

Crickets.

In the past week, the woman who once claimed, Women have always been the primary victims of war made another sexist plea to further denigrate the worth of male life. In spite of the FACT that women receive 63% (SIXTY-THREE PERCENT) lighter sentences than men for the same crime if they are prosecuted at ALL, Hillary Clinton feels that the criminal justice system is unfair…to women. Because putting women in prison takes them away from their families. And, obviously, men being away from their families is no big deal.

Advocates for the acknowledgement of men’s issues do not hate you, women. But I do hate every last harpy that has shouted down people (men, women, trans alike) just trying to speak about men’s struggles. I do hate the COUNTLESS not-true feminists I see littering Twitter with continued attempts to minimize men’s issues, or proudly posting their #MaleTears selfies. I DON’T hate, but proudly champion, the amazing women that ARE trying to bring light to these issues. The kinds of women who DON’T just sit there when their friends are all joking about how men are worthless or only good for one thing (thanks, wife, for calling out double standards).

And that’s why I don’t hate women. Like most MRAs. We love women. We’ve most likely been raised by amazing women, grown up with them as siblings, dated and married them. There are mountains of you that are NOT the problem. But we need your help. We need your cooperation and insistence on fact-based politics, not gender-based. The wage gap continues to be an issue liberal candidates will espouse, in the face of economic and statistical proof to the illegitimacy of the argument, simply because a large percentage of people seem to want to hear it. There is a race, it seems, to victimhood. Who am I to judge most things, but I feel fairly confident in saying that the prevention of male suicide and homelessness deserves more of our airtime, advertising, outreach, and funding than a wage gap myth that is repeatedly debunked under the slightest bit of academic scrutiny (or at the very least, reduced to a range that is within a standard margin of error).

This simple belief will undoubtedly be met with shouts of misogyny. I am a misogynist simply for prioritizing a concrete, factual narrative that prioritizes a life-and-death issue.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/100-things-all-women-need-to-know-about-men-according-to-100-men/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/01/25/100-things-all-women-need-to-know-about-men-according-to-100-men/

[allofbeercom]

100 Things All Women Need To Know About Men (According to 100 Men)

Found on AskReddit.

1. Men aren’t mind readers.

Men arent mind readers…if you want something, be direct.

2. Guys are shy, too.

Guys are shy, too. Don’t be afraid to walk up and talk.

3. Not all men are rapists and sometimes a compliment really is just a compliment.

Not all men are rapists and sometimes a compliment really is just a compliment.

4. If you want a ‘bad boy,’ expect to be treated badly.

Don’t tell me you don’t like me because I’m a ‘nice guy’ and that most girls like ‘bad boys, and then come looking for a shoulder to cry on when he cheats on you or treats you like shit. Instead, go fuck yourself. I don’t care, because you got what you deserved. Next time, try looking for someone who cares about you, even if they’re ‘too nice.

5. It’s not OK to physically assault men, period.

It’s not OK to physically assault men, period. It doesn’t matter how small you are and how big the guy is. If you don’t disagree, walk away, voice your concern, or speak to the law.

6. We are just as emotionally complex as women are.

Men’s emotional lives are, pretty much across the board, just as complex and nuanced as women’s.

Also, there’s a whole ecosystem of subtle communication, competition, and one-upmanship between men (think Alpha/Beta but way more complicated) that is probably largely invisible to you.

We’ve had to navigate through it all our whole lives and sometimes it stinks.

7. Guys like getting compliments about their appearance, too.

Guys like getting compliments about their appearance, too; even just minor ones feel nice.

8. We are not machines. We are human, too.

We are not machines. We get sick. We can cry. We can be goofy or funny. We can be weak or scared. We can go limp. We can complain. We can be nice and sweet. Don’t make men out to be machismo meatheads who just walk around looking for sex and expect us to always be strong and confident and take charge on every single little thing. We are human, too. It’s not bad to be a nice guy.

9. Some of us actually are hopeless romantics.

That some of us actually are hopeless romantics. We want to find true love, too. Even then we will still make mistakes. Some of us it will be really stupid and think that we want different women just because that’s the way we are programmed. And sometimes it takes something big to make us realize that’s not what we want.

10. You shouldnt smack us down for showing emotions.

“ If we open up to you, let us do it instead of smacking us down for being emotional, you’ll have a friend for life.

Don’t assume what movies teach about men is at all accurate; seriously, my last girlfriend did and was perpetually worried I’d cheat even though I find the concept abhorrent.

If we’re quiet, it means we’re thinking, not angry.

We have a strong desire to protect the women in our life, whether that be our wife, our sister, or our grandmother even. We do get overprotective due to an admittedly over-reliance on our gut feelings, and we’re aware it’s annoying you, but humor us and you may be surprised with the results.

A mans younger siblings are extremely important; do not insult them if you want us to stay. Talking from experience here.

We worry over our bodies constantly, media bombards us with an ideal you have to work for years to attain and keep, similar to women, let us talk about it if we need to.

I’ll say it again: IF WE OPEN UP TO YOU, LET US!!! DON’T FUCKING SMACK US DOWN FOR BEING EMOTIONAL OR UNMANLY FFS.

11. Rom-coms don’t work in real life.

You know those movies where the woman is unpredictable, annoying, and generally crazy, but the man she is after falls in love with her anyway? That doesn’t work in real life. Seriously.

12. Never, ever, EVER make fun of a man’s penis.

Never, ever, EVER make fun of a man’s penis. It’s not a fucking game; sometimes shrinkage happens, sometimes I’m just not in the mood. I know that it’s just a game to you, but for us it’s a really big deal. Don’t know why, don’t care why, it just is.

13. I’m not inheriting a kingdom, so I won’t treat you like a princess.

No I won’t treat you like a princess. I’m not inheriting a kingdom, I’m looking for a life partner. My equal.

14. If you keep asking whether we’re angry with you, eventually we will be.

On disagreements: Sometimes a man will disagree with you. He has reasons for it. If you present an argument, and he abruptly says OK, fine, it means you have convinced him. It probably does not mean he’s angry with you. If you then ask, Are you angry at me? and he says no, he isn’t. But if you keep asking, then eventually he will be. Or maybe it’s just me.

15. Don’t use sex as a weapon.

If you weaponize sex, that’s a quick way for us to resent you. And of course if you do not want to do it you should not, but if you treat sex like it is some kind of privilege that your guy should only get it if he has been a good boy and treat it like a reward rather than a romantic and intimate activity that is equally pleasurable for the both of you, then that is a great way to kill any affection your guy has for you.

16. We are afraid of rejection.

Fear of rejection can be downright terrifying. I am lucky that my wife was direct and asked me out.

17. Give us the benefit of the doubt.

Unless we’re fighting, when we say something that can be taken one of two ways and one of the options is bad, we meant the good one.

18. We don’t think about sex every seven seconds.

Men don’t think about sex every 7 seconds. I read this from some womens magazine whilst waiting in the dentist’s office. These womens magazines perception of men is ridiculous.

19. Just say, ‘Sorry, no thanks’ if you don’t want to go out with us.

My deal is, if I ask a girl out and she’s not interested, saying, Sorry, no thanks or a variation thereof is perfectly acceptable. I’ll be more than happy to move the fuck on.

20. Don’t ever assume what’s going on in our minds.

Don’t ever assume what’s going on in our mind. You might think we’re having doubts about all this and things are going to shit so you start acting like it and then it gets all messed up and it’s over. The truth is we’re probably just thinking about the last episode of or something like that. If you want to know, ask!

21. Nonsense behavior will cause us to pull back.

We’re perfectly willing to invest, but nonsense behavior will, little by little, cause us to disinvest. That time you said you were upset and when I asked why, you said, Guess?I pulled back a little. When you started crying instead of articulating your feelings? I pulled back a little. When you developed double standards regarding behaviors that are okay for you but NOT for me? I pulled back A LOT.

22. Do not belittle our cocks.

Unless the guy is super hung, any insinuation that his cock is even a little less than ideal in terms of size hurts a lot. Even some hung guys actually feel like their cock is too small.

23. Say what you mean.

If you say something we’re most likely going to take it at face value.

Example:

Guy: Hey babe I’m going to go play cards at Zach’s tonight is that all right?

Girl: Yeah, that’s fine, stay out all night, I’m going to bed anyway.

Guy:

The guy was giving her the option to keep him home and she told him she was fine with it and she was tired.

24. Mean what you say.

This game of know what I want without me telling you bullshit has got to stop. I’m not a fuckin mind reader. I’m not in a relationship/marriage to play mind games. Tell me what’s on your mind or how you really feel, the guessing games must end. Alternatively, if you would rather me not do something, don’t tell me, ‘No, go ahead it’s fine,’ than get pissed when I do it. Just tell me you’d rather me not.

25. Stop hinting and just tell us what you want.

Your hints are useless. Say what you want. Also, when we pee sometimes we still get some on the floor. Even as adults.

26. If you want to see us happy, just get naked.

Trust me, when a woman is naked, 99% of the time we are happy beyond compare. No matter what you think you look like.

27. If youre not interested in the sex, were not interested in the sex.

If youre not interested in the sex, were not interested in the sex. If youre just going to lie there like a rag doll while we hump away, it gets boring real quick. Fuck, I could go service myself twice as fast with half the exertion if thats all its about. And on a related note, dont take masturbation personally. Its a literal physical need for men. Imagine walking around for a week with loaded sinuses and being told not to blow your nose. Thats literally how it feels down there when we’re backed up. Let us relieve a little pressure and get off our fucking backs. Its not about you.

28. If a guy likes you a lot, he will make time for you.

If a guy likes you a lot, he will make time for you. If you are getting a lot of maybes and excuses, just move on.

29. It doesn’t feel good to have a partner that does nothing but take.

When a guy is constantly doing all the initiating, all of the oral, and all of the work with no reciprocation, don’t act surprised when he stops calling. It doesn’t feel good to have a partner that does nothing but take.

I’ve heard a lot of, Well, I do a lot! Like x, y, and z! Just because it isn’t in the bedroom doesn’t mean it doesn’t count! Yes. Yes, it does mean it doesn’t count when we’re talking about sex. Doing nice things outside the bedroom doesn’t translate into appreciation for what you’re receiving inside the bedroom.

It’s like giving a dog a treat three days after he brings you the paper. How’s he know WTF you just gave him a treat for?

30. Bars aren’t the best place to meet the best guys.

There exist men willing to have serious relationships with youbut those men probably don’t spend their time at bars chatting you up the first time you glance in their direction.

31. Sometimes we just like to hold our balls.

Sometimes, when we’re on the couch, we just like to hold our balls. We’re not sexually aroused, we just like to hold them and know they are there.

32. If you routinely slap your man’s hand away, don’t be surprised if he stops reaching.

If you routinely slap your man’s hand away when he reaches for sex…don’t be surprised if he gets the point and stops reaching.

33. We quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings.

Assuming you’re dealing with a normal male, what we say is what we mean, and what we mean is what we say. Any hidden meanings are a fiction invented by you; we don’t use that channel to communicate.

Conversely, do not use obfuscated communication methods with men for important topics; the odds of us missing or misinterpreting such a communication are high.

Do not talk about problems unless you are prepared to discuss the solution.

If we say we don’t care, we don’t. Especially as regards what we eat. If we say we don’t care, we’re not saying we don’t care who we eat with or whether we’ll eat, only that we don’t care we eat or we eat.

We’re generally shit at going to the doctors or dentists. Even in countries where healthcare is free. Remind us to check for cancer from time to time, or do it for us where possible/appropriate.

Our emotions tend to build up over time, as we quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings. Fortunately, they also fade over time without any obvious outlets, so only sustained angst or serious trauma will have a long-lasting effect.

34. Don’t be nice when rejecting us.

Don’t be nice when rejecting someone. I’m a grown adult and can handle being told no. Just the other day I asked a girl what her plans were Friday and I got a I work all weekend because it’s graduation weekend, but maybe next time!

That could be a hint or genuine statement. Don’t leave shit up in the air, just be straight with us because for the love of god MEN CANNOT READ WOMENS MINDS.

P.S. If you get mad at me for something I did in a dream (I thought people joked about this until it happened to me), I now think youre batshit insane and rule number one is never stick your dick in crazy.

35. We love your big butt in those jeans.

Your butt looks big in those jeans, and we fuckin love it.

36. We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound.

We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound. Omg, i love your shirt! You are soooo. Funny!

37. Its okay to tell us, No, I would not be interested in going out with you.

Its okay to tell us, No, I would not be interested in going out with you. It makes things a lot easier than saying, Oh, sorry I cant make it my grandma died…my dog is sick…I have to do XYZ. Its a shitty hint, especially after having a seemingly engaging string of conversations.

38. A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.

A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.

39. Ignore all romantic advice from rom-coms.

Every piece of romantic advice you’ve gotten from a rom-com should be jettisoned as fast as possible. Hard to get does not work. Subtle hints are not going to be picked up on. There is no minimum waiting period for replying to texts, agreeing to a second date, resuming communicationanything. Put your cards on the table and be upfront. Men don’t hate a woman who says no; if anything, most men will be grateful that they can just move on. The happiest relationship I’ve ever been in began in one whirlwind night: We went from first date to drinks after to apartment in a single evening. I’m going to marry her once my bank balance has room for a ring in it.

40. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language.

Men are not fucking mind readers. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language. We play draughts, not chess.

41. Men don’t drop subtle hints.

When I ask, Do you know where the remote is?, I am not asking you to look for the remote. When I ask, Is this basket of laundry clean or dirty?, I am not asking you to do the laundry. When I say, We’re all out of milk, I am not asking you to drop everything and go shopping. For fuck’s sake, I’m just trying to exchange information with you. I’m not trying to drop subtle hints that I am unhappy and need you to do something, my God.

42. Please respect our privacy.

Oh yes, another thing: If I tell you, Please respect our privacy, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, and you turn around and tell all your friends…I will be upset and the relationship will probably not last.

43. If you say, ‘Nothing’s wrong,’ we will believe you.

If we ask, What’s wrong? and you answer, Nothing, we will behave exactly as if everything is OK.

44. Don’t try to make us jealous by talking about other guys.

Mentioning how many guys are going for you/chasing you doesn’t create the narrative of, Oh damn, she’s a hot commodity, better try harder. Instead its, Fuck, chasing her seems like it would be a lot of drama, better skip this one.

45. We are as insecure about ourselves as you are about yourselves.

We are as insecure about ourselves as you are about yourselves.

46. All men are different and they should be treated as such.

All men are different and they should be treated as such.

47. If you want us to do something, expect that we’ll do it our way.

If you want me to do something, expect that I’ll do it my way. If you want something done your way, you fuckin do it. This is the price of delegation.

48. We’re not always in the mood for sex.

Just because we can’t get an erection at a given moment, that doesn’t mean we’re not into you or that we don’t want to have sex. It’s not that simple.

49. If we compliment you, the best thing you can say is, Thank you.

If we compliment you, the best thing you can say is, Thank you. A self-deprecating joke about how we’re wrong is rarely charming.

50. We’re not interested in playing stupid games.

We can see through the Im fine bullshit. But if you say it three times, we’re going to let it go. It’s not because we aren’t aware it’s bullshit, and it’s not because we don’t careit’s because we’re not interested in playing stupid games.

51. If I tell you something in confidence, it’s really not OK for you to tell your best friends.

If I tell you something in confidence, it’s really not OK for you to tell your best friends. And it goes both ways.

52. Just tell us what you want to eat!

What do you want to eat. pls.

53. If you want us to do something, just come out and say it!

Most of us don’t get subtle hints; if you want us to do something, just come out and say it!

54. We can’t always tell when you’re flirting.

Don’t forget that one woman’s subtle hint’ is another woman’s ‘What? Are you kidding? I was fixing my hair, not flirting, you creep.

55. Your enthusiasm is what makes sex good for us.

What makes sex good? One thing more than anything. ENTHUSIASM. It doesn’t matter how hot you are if I’m banging you and you seem bored. Or if the BJ is like a chore or something. Nothing kills the mood quicker.

56. We can and do LITERALLY think of nothing. NOTHING.

We can and do LITERALLY think of nothing. NOTHING. No thought, no music in our head, just nothing. Complete silence in our head. It’s so calming and relaxing.

57. If you ask for my opinion, don’t get upset when I tell you my opinion.

If you ask for my opinion, don’t get upset when I tell you my opinion.

58. We can’t predict when you’re going to act like an evil gremlin.

Ive never owned a gremlin, so please don’t expect me to understand your feeding patterns and be able to predict when you’re going to become an evil monster because all you’ve eaten was some Melba toast 12 hours ago.

59. Men have a C-word as well that we hate to have attached to us.

Men have a C-word as well that we hate to have attached to us. It’s called Creep and encompasses Not my type to Level 3 sex offender and everything in between. It’s vastly subjective, applied liberally with very broad brushstrokes, and can occur with something as simple as looking past you to the beer menu and occasionally crossing glances. The majority of guys would really only like to: a) talk like adults, b) ask you to please step aside so we can get to the bartender, or c) continue being subconsciously aware of your existence but actively thinking about nothing. Indifference, the ultimate villainy.

60. We want black and white, so stop giving us grey.

I read a quote once that said something to the effect of: Guys want black and white and girls can only give grey. Please stop making this fucking true.

61. Don’t look for insults in everything we say to you.

If I say something to you, and it could possibly be interpreted multiple ways, I didn’t mean the one that pisses you off. Don’t look for insults in everything someone says to you.

62. We start to shut down when all the romance is coming from our end.

We like to be wooed as well. We start to shut down when all the romance is coming from our end.

63. Women change and men don’t.

Men fall for women and expect them never to change. But they do. Women fall for men and want to change them. But they dont.

64. We’ll probably go with the girl that jerks us around the least.

A little mystery & drawn-out flirting is good, but seriously, dont let it go on too long. Most guys are talking to more than one girl. Talking, not banging. And we’ll probably go with the one that jerks us around the least. Also when you asked what we’re thinking about & we say ‘nothing, we are not lying.

65. If we ask you to play a video game with us, that means we really like you.

If a man asks you to play a video game with him, and actually takes the time and patience to teach you how to play it, he really fucking likes you and wants to spend HOURS of quality time with you.

66. A man who treats waiters with respect is trustworthy.

A man who treats people who have lower status (e.g., waiters) with respect is trustworthy. A man who does not is not.

67. Men are actually very, very good listeners.

Men are actually very, very good listeners. We pay attention to what you actually say. If you say yes but you meant no, then the breakdown of communication is with you, not us. It’s really not our responsibility to learn what you really mean when you say something completely different.

68. We think in boxes.

Our manner of thinking is pretty different from women’s. The best analogy I have heard is that men think in boxes: If you want to talk about camping, we will take out the camping box; if you want to talk about houses, we put the camping box away and pull out the housing box. There is one box that has nothing in it and, if given the choice, that is the box we will go to every time and literally think about nothing. The nothing box is our favorite one.

69. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly what we want to do

Just because we both have the day off doesnt mean we have to fill it with shit to do. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly what I want to do.

70. Women are hornier than men.

You are hornier than us. Fuck what they told you. It’s true.

71. Never, ever call our penis ‘cute.’

Im surprised by the lack of penis knowledge most women possess, so here’s some information. 1. When we pee, it’s not this magical stream that starts and stops without dripping, and it doesn’t always shoot in a straight line. It can, and sometimes will, shoot out in multiple directions simultaneously at times. We’re not peeing on the seat on purpose, and it’s as frustrating to us as it is to you. 2. Like the joke by Dane Cook, our penis is kind of like an amoeba. It’s constantly changing shape, and you never really know what he’s going to look like at any given time. 3. To add on to the above post, let’s also talk about shrinkage. When we’re dehydrated, been swimming in the pool, or have just been generally very active, he’s going to be a shadow of himself when released to the world. We’re literally talking 1/3 to 1/4 (sometimes even below) his full size. This is expected, but still a bit emasculating. Be an adult. 4. Never, ever, call him cute. Unless you want to talk about how big he is, don’t say a word.

72. We are much simpler than you think we are.

We are much simpler than you think we are. When you hear hoofbeats, think Horses, not Zebras.

73. We get annoyed when we find out you told your best friends our confidential secrets.

We get annoyed when we find out your best friends know everything about our relationship, including the secrets we told you in confidentiality.

74. GIRLS. CAN. ASK. GUYS. OUT.

GIRLS. CAN. ASK. GUYS. OUT. I cannot tell you how often it gets asked on Yik Yak at my university or I overhear girls deliberating over it with their friends if they can ask a guy out.

75. Don’t look for hidden meaning in what we say.

That men really don’t have anything behind what they’re saying. Like, if you’re going out to dinner and he says, That’s an interesting dress, literally he means it’s interesting. He doesn’t mean that it’s ugly, he doesn’t mean that you look fat, that your hair is ugly, that you have a nasty pimple on your chin, he really just thinks your dress is interesting. All the while you’re overanalyzing what he’s saying and thinking of 400 different meanings to what he said, he’s onto thinking about what he wants to eat at the restaurant.

76. When we say, I love you, we mean it.

When you say, I love you, I’m not always going to parrot it back. The reason is because love isn’t a Pavlovian response. When I say, I love you it is with thoughtful intent. I want my I love yous to have meaning.

77. Hints don’t work.

Hints don’t work. If you want something, ask for it. If you expect him to read your mind, you’re going to be disappointed a lot.

78. Don’t try to make us jealous.

Don’t try to make us jealous by pretending to like other guys. A lot of guys will just back off if they think you’re into someone else.

79. We listen to your problems so we can solve them.

If you ask us for advice, we will give you what we believe to be the best course of action. 90% of the time you will ignore us. 95% of the time you will think it’s stupid. But 99% of the time, it will be the simplest, most direct method to solve the problem. That’s what we do, we listen to your problems to solve them. It’s not what you want, but it’s what you get.

80. Don’t wait for us to initiate sex.

If you want to have sex, don’t wait for men to initiate. If a man always has to initiate into sex he will feel like you don’t want it and just do it because you make him feel good but don’t actually feel any pleasure yourself.

Also , when initiating, be pretty straightforward or use very obvious hints because we don’t get it. If you start touching a guy’s dick and he doesn’t understand that you want to have sex, yeah, that’s wrong. But if you give some sort of glance or just say something like, Oh, it’s been a long day and we’re supposed to work from there to understand that you want to have sex that’s not gonna work.

81. A lot of us want a woman that will make us feel loved.

A lot of us want a woman that will make us feel loved, not one who just gets loved.

82. Sometimes we just like to be alone.

Sometimes men just like to be alone; it’s not that we’re angry with you or ignoring you, we just like to be alone occasionally.

83. Don’t tell your friends about our sexual secrets.

If we tell you something about our sexual history or sexual predilections, it doesn’t mean we actually want to talk about or hear about it every time you think about it. We opened up enough to tell you some kooky, borderline stuff we did in the past; leave it alone, don’t bring it up, and definitely don’t bring it up lightly or use it as ammunition during an argument, and what’s more don’t tell your friends about it. This is personal stuff, and at some point grown-up relationships should be about integrity, mutual respect, and trusteven beyond the bounds of the relationship.

84. Give us feedback during sex.

Every vagina and their owner is different. Much like how every penis and their owner is different.

What may work for one, may not work for the other. So during sex, feel free to give feedback. Faster? Slower? Softer? Harder? Let us know what works, what doesn’t. Can we be doing things better? Tell us.

I dated one girl for over a year who told me she didn’t like how I fingered her. Seriously, she didn’t speak up about it for over a year because she felt awkward about it. So she essentially just wasted our time. If I am finger-banging or eating pussy, I’m not doing it for my sake. A little feedback and guidance isn’t going to kill my mood.

85. Constantly being on your phone while we’re out together makes us wonder why we’re actually there.

Maybe it’s just me, but constantly being on your phone while we’re out together makes me wonder why I’m actually there.

86. If you like a guy, tell him.

I don’t know if every guy would agree with this, but I don’t think it’s the rejection we’re afraid of. It’s the possibility of looking like some creep/loser if we ask you out and you say no. It’s the way you’ll see us from then on out that makes us afraid. The vulnerability. So honestly, if you like a guy, tell him. No guy should ever have a problem with a girl doing that; there’s nothing wrong with it. Don’t make us have to go through the whole fear of asking you out if you already want to tell us yourself.

87. Don’t blame us for things we do in YOUR dreams.

Women of the world!!!!

Guys cannot cheat in your dreams!

Three times it happened with an ex of mine. Three times she awoke in a complete strop, of course being the ever caring SO at the time I ask what’s wrong.

Supposedly I cheated with her best friend three times in HER dreams and I’m the one to blame.

I never cheated and never thought of cheating.

88. We need time with our friends, too.

Just because I want to spend the rest of my life with you does not mean I can’t have time with friends. Time apart is sometimes just as important as time together.

89. We shut down because arguing isn’t worth it.

If we shut down or stop responding during an argument, it doesn’t mean we stopped caring about your feelings or that you aren’t worth talking to or that we’re ignoring you. It means we just don’t want to make the argument worse or last longer than it needs to, because chances are, the argument wasn’t worth the energy to begin with.

90. Fuck off with the hints.

Fuck off with the hints (both, the “blatantly obvious” and subtle). We prefer direct, clear communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

91. Guys like being the little spoon sometimes, too.

Guys like being the little spoon sometimes, too.

92. Our legs are a Venus flytrap for our dicks.

When we’re spreading our legs, it’s most likely because our balls are uncomfortable. Side note, our legs are a Venus flytrap for our dicks.

93. We don’t get tired of your boobs.

We don’t get tired of your boobs. It’s a joy to see them literally every time. The same with touching them. You might not understand it…frankly, I don’t think we do, either. But for straight men, boobs are the physical embodiment of I’ve been with my SO for almost a decade and my eyes still up light every time. I’m not a very emotive person, but she’s noted my look of genuine happiness when I see them.

94. Don’t assume that we wanna cheat on you with our female friends.

Two things: 1. Unless you have a specific reason, don’t assume that we wanna cheat on you with our female friends. It can be a little insulting.2. Men are very literal. If we tell you we love you or that you’re beautiful, we tend to mean exactly that.

95. Even if you hit us playfully, it still hurts.

Just because a man is physically bigger than you doesn’t mean that punching, kicking, or slapping him doesn’t hurteven if it’s done playfully. We aren’t trees or rocks. Pain still hurts.

96. Im not obligated to still be as attracted to you if you get fat and unhealthy.

Im not obligated to still be as attracted to you if you get fat and unhealthy. I feel this goes both ways.

96. When we break up, please keep the jewelry we gave you.

When a breakup does happen don’t go trying to give back things we gave to you e.g., jewelry, etc. A) we find it hurtful, like there is no sentimental value to our time together. B) what am I gonna do with girls’ jewelry/stuff? C) it may just end up coming across like you are trying to intentionally cause us pain by giving such things back, like a reminder of your existence.

98. The older we get, the less time we’re willing to spend “chasing” you.

The older we get, the less time we’re willing to spend ‘chasing’ you. If I’m interested, and you’re interested, there should be no reason for you to still be playing hard to get and taking longer than two requests for your time to agree to a date. Either commit or tell me you’re not interested. I’m 30. Dating at this age consists of ‘Are we doing this or not? I got shit to do.’

99. If you bring us problems, we will offer solutions.

If you bring us problems, we will offer solutions. That is our way of showing that we have listened and that we care.

100. We don’t run the world.

There is a mountain of men that are really struggling. We don’t run the world. In fact, a very large percentage of us will kill ourselves. 79% of suicides are males (US). White males represent 70% of suicides overall.

And yet, not a single candidate seems to be expressing any desire to combat any of this. As have no candidates in decades.

The Men’s Rights movement is something that seems to piss off a lot of people. But this is one of our biggest concerns. Personally, I get very upset when I hear economically debunked wage gap lies perpetrated repeatedly, year-after-year. Wage gap. #HeForShe. #BringBackOurGirls. Mansplaining. Manspreading. Alarming rate of suicide in males? Crickets. Massively disproportionate rates of violent crime? BORING. Schoolboys being burned alive or forced into being child soldiers? #BringBackOurBoys? HA! More like #BringBackMyKardashians, am I right!?

There is a vast lack of perspective missing from today’s social justice warriors, corrupt politicians, and ideologues. Men are struggling. Boys are struggling. Worldwide, even.

Crickets.

In the past week, the woman who once claimed, Women have always been the primary victims of war made another sexist plea to further denigrate the worth of male life. In spite of the FACT that women receive 63% (SIXTY-THREE PERCENT) lighter sentences than men for the same crime if they are prosecuted at ALL, Hillary Clinton feels that the criminal justice system is unfair…to women. Because putting women in prison takes them away from their families. And, obviously, men being away from their families is no big deal.

Advocates for the acknowledgement of men’s issues do not hate you, women. But I do hate every last harpy that has shouted down people (men, women, trans alike) just trying to speak about men’s struggles. I do hate the COUNTLESS not-true feminists I see littering Twitter with continued attempts to minimize men’s issues, or proudly posting their #MaleTears selfies. I DON’T hate, but proudly champion, the amazing women that ARE trying to bring light to these issues. The kinds of women who DON’T just sit there when their friends are all joking about how men are worthless or only good for one thing (thanks, wife, for calling out double standards).

And that’s why I don’t hate women. Like most MRAs. We love women. We’ve most likely been raised by amazing women, grown up with them as siblings, dated and married them. There are mountains of you that are NOT the problem. But we need your help. We need your cooperation and insistence on fact-based politics, not gender-based. The wage gap continues to be an issue liberal candidates will espouse, in the face of economic and statistical proof to the illegitimacy of the argument, simply because a large percentage of people seem to want to hear it. There is a race, it seems, to victimhood. Who am I to judge most things, but I feel fairly confident in saying that the prevention of male suicide and homelessness deserves more of our airtime, advertising, outreach, and funding than a wage gap myth that is repeatedly debunked under the slightest bit of academic scrutiny (or at the very least, reduced to a range that is within a standard margin of error).

This simple belief will undoubtedly be met with shouts of misogyny. I am a misogynist simply for prioritizing a concrete, factual narrative that prioritizes a life-and-death issue.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/100-things-all-women-need-to-know-about-men-according-to-100-men/

[trs80sbby-blog]

Fireworks!

“Fireworks” is appropriate since the story I’m about to tell took place on New Years Eve. We all know that I have been struggling with the dating scene and that I pretty much gave up on that bullshit, but I want to remember this story. I want to remember it because I want to come back to this one day and say that I lived with a stranger for a couple of hours and I loved him before he left my sight. ( Let’s be clear that when I say I loved him, I loved him. His energy his personality and everything that makes him, him.) And honestly, I didn’t believe that any part of this story was actually possible.

Tinder

I have been on Tinder for way too fuckin long. It’s a gateway to life’s destruction to be completely honest but i took my part in it. Swipe left, Swipe Right, SUPER LIKE!!! Bullshit! But I would spend my time at work swiping left and right on people and reading minimal bios in the 500 characters that were allowed. I swiped right another time on a bio that read, “ be prepared to meet if we match.” Or something in that context, I’m sure there was more but I’ve since deleted tinder, again, so I cant go back and say for sure. Anyways.. I dont remembered who messaged who first, but we started chatting a little bit and then eventually we got off tinder and started texting each other. Again, I know I’m leaving out some details but I don’t remember the conversation we had on tinder or who gave their number first. I wasnt invested really. And seriously thats not important. You’ll see. We met on Tinder. The universe introduced us on Tinder.

Dodging Bullshit

Sometimes I think that I am so broken or so insecure that I’m genuinely not worth people’s time. And then there are other times where I am this powerful insatiable Queen and I believe that people aren’t worth my time. At this time I was conflicted with both. It was refreshing that he didnt like to text so much, so the brief couple of conversations we had after exchanging numbers was nice, but mentally, I wasnt sure if I wanted to be vulnerable or a total bitch. Look, I have a back story that I can tell one day, but just know that i have a reason for the way i am. People have thrown so much shit my way while dating and I have had enough free dinners and free drinks and free movies, that I have concluded that my time isn’t worth all that. I like to eat but I dont like to repeat myself.

“Hi, my name is Shawnta.”

“What do you do?”

“What are you looking for?”

“What’s your story?”

Who wants to answer those question 50 thousand times over and over again for different ignorant people? I need a fuckin drink please..

So when he asked to take me out before New Years, I was hesitant. Sick and hesitant. Details..

Planning

Initially we were suppose to go see a movie since apparently we both like movies. Now, that might sound common, but I love movies. Junkie... And with the admittance of him being able to shed a tear during a sad scene, I was able to accept that he might be just the junkie i needed when it came to a movie partner. We never went to the movies. Lol. Discussed it a little more, but nothing solid. I didn’t care.

Pause; If I’m coming off as if I’m lost, I was..

Do you meet people while you’re sick? It’s not like I didnt tell him. He said I had sars and still wanted to meet me. I procrastinated on plans so much and time was running out to the point that I really had to make a decision. By this time, in my head, I wanted to meet him, I just didnt want to be disappointed or be the disappointment. We finally planned to get together on New Years Eve around 7 because I did not want to stay out all night. 7 changed to 8, 8 changed to 9, and 9 changed to 9:30pm SHARP!! Some where between 7 and 8 is when the Universe decided to start making decisions for me, and make it very clear that I’m going out.

Have you ever felt a shift in your energy that was so noticeable and positive that you had no choice but to embrace it? That’s what I felt when that decision was made for me. I did my make up. I got dressed in this beautiful, shoulderless, shear, burgundy, full length dress. And wore heels, my favorite ones at that, and I walked out the house with more confidence than I’ve had all year.

Shady Lady / R15

Shady Lady requires collared shirts. He didnt wear one. We didnt go to Shady Lady as planned. We went to R15 which was at the other end of the block. Downtown, Sacramento has all these places that can bring you in and swallow you whole. I think R15 did that to us and the fact that the bartender made a really decent Manhattan for him and a heavy handed margarita for me. We sat at the bar and I was finally able to really look at this beautiful, 6 foot something, brown skinned man. He has the perfect eyebrows, seriously the perfect face and bone structure. But the most irresistible part of him is his eyes. His eyelashes are thick and full, and did I say perfect? He’s gorgeous. And then he spoke. I need you to understand that yes, we had previous conversations over the phone and his voice is captivating, but it’s a spell in person. He spoke and I listened to his tone. What the fuck! This man spoke to me and I felt the universe’s desired to take hold of this situation all over again. The power of attaction, as he says, was definitely present. The way he looked at me was indescribable. And I could be in my own head at this time, but he looked at me and called me beautiful. I’ve been called beautiful by a lot of men this past year and not once did I believe them. But when the words flowed off his lips, I tasted his truth. We were in this bar full of people, but a chill environment and music surrounded us, but it was just us. You can read that a million times in a million books and never understand it until it actually happens to you. It was loud, so I had to lean into him so that he could talk to me, and as I’m moving away to look at him again, we kissed. Did I go in to kiss him or was it the other way around? I’m not sure.. But it happen and the world tilted a little. His kiss was soft, he held my cheek and lead that kiss into another realm of pleasure. Heroin.. The most addictive drug known to man. His kiss instantly became my heroin, and it didnt go unnoticed by anyone.

Midnight

The countdown was coming. And we already kissed, so you’d think, what’s one more new years kiss right? You couldn’t be more wrong. I kissed him at 12am January 1, 2018, and I loved him in that moment. I loved the energy that he forced into my body through that kiss. Sleeping beauty would’ve woke up with that kiss, fuck Prince Charming, I had him.

Public

Throughout the night we talked and people watched a little. He had to go to the restroom and thats when it became obvious that we were being watched. This incredibly bubbly woman came up to me, and told me that she’s been wanting to come say something to me for a while. She told me that i was gorgeous and my idiot self asked her who she was talking to. One day ill learn to accept compliments without making a total ass of myself. Then she started to talk about me and him. This is when I knew i wasnt imagining what was happening.

“How long have you guys been together?”

“You guys look at each other so intensely.”

“I just had to come over and tell you how beautiful you guys are.”

She was as surprised as I was when I told her that this was our first date.

“DAMMNNN.”

By this time, he returned with a kiss. But so did his friends. This allowed us some time to become a little social. I introduced him to my bubbly new friend, and he introduced me to his friends that arrived. I excused myself to smoke a cigarette with miss bubbles and met her boyfriend. He was handsome too. Omg they are the cutest couple. Lumberjack meets tinkerbell. Lumberjack was trying to be kind and tried to introduce me to one of his friends.

“I don’t know if youre here with anyone, but if you are, my guy here is better than your guy,”

When I tell you that MY GUY had perfect timing. We were standing right outside the bar door when this was happening. I could see him through the closed door, and as lumberjack is talking I could see him making his way to me. He came out and i introduced lumberjack to my guy. He didn’t come out because he say us three talking, he came out to see if I was ok and give me a kiss. After the introduction he went right back in to his friends. When I went back into the bar, we socialized a little more and then the bar started to prepare to close. Time flew.

Goodbyes

He asked if i was ready to leave. Unfortunately I had no choice but to say yes. So he walked me to my car. As we were walking I asked him if he wanted to sit in my car while he waited for his Lyft or Uber, and then the words just slipped off of my lips.

“Do you want to come home with me?”

Ok Pause again...

The words slipped my lips but I meant them. I didn't want him to leave. I didnt want to drive home and not have him around me or next to me.

He got in the car and the goodbyes didnt happen.

Goodnight, Good morning

When we got into the house, I changed into what I regularly sleep in. Nothing sexy or remotely attractive. And he stripped down to his boxers or briefs. I wasnt paying attention. The alcohol kicked in for him and i was a little tipsy. Two too many Manhattans lol. I remember asking if he wanted a glass of water and getting it for him... So this is probably where you want to hear all the details on what happened. Sexually... I can’t. God, I want to say everything and be like, we had amazing sex and it lasted all night and blah blah blah.. No... That’s not what happened. Things happened that deserve gold metals, but whatever... I woke up at about 4 or 5 and I thought it was all some sick dream that I had. I went to the bathroom, not even looking at where he was laying. Coming out the bathroom, I saw him sleeping and my heart stopped for a second. It all hit me like lightning hitting a tree and leaving its beautiful artwork. This man chose to spend New Years with me. He is genuine, kind, honest and in my bed sleeping like that has been his side of the bed for years.

I wanted to climb in bed and hold him just so that when i fell back asleep, he wouldn’t disappear. I did, just for a moment though because I dint know if he liked to cuddle. I found out later that i totally could’ve lol.

8 o’clock... We were laying there, and we may not have been able to witness the fireworks the previous night, but we made our own that morning. What the fuck, I’m so cheesy.. This man is... Who is this man??

Have you heard of Malanda Jean-Claude? He’s my favorite writer, and his poetry will leave you completely lost in a forest of confusing, frustrating, necessary love.

I felt like he was writing our story.

This morning has an ending

So, he had to leave at some time. I mean come on now...

But that night was life awaking inside me. I have slept for so long and I didnt know I was ever going to wake up. And to top it off, I regret nothing. I know that I used some strong descriptions with this man, and I’m completely aware that i could be disappointed later, but maybe not. Who knows. Shit, it wasnt us that was making all that happen that night.

We talk everyday. Seriously, i told him that I’m obsessed with his voice. Fuck a text.

Point of the story is this. You can have plans for your life all you want.. You can fall apart and build yourself up again, and repeat this 100times before you die. But dont sleep through life. Embrace the good, accept the bad, learn, grow. And on top of all of that BE LOVED, BE BLESSED, cause your forehead is being kissed every night that you close your eyes to go to sleep. And you lips are being kissed every morning you open your eyes and take that breath.

#love #short story #malanda #new years #2018 #2017 #tinder #sacramento #california #916