#thats the only capacity that some people give a fuck about children in and it shows.

[devilfruitdyke]

I HATE FANDOM WANK YALL ARE UNHINGED. VERY NEGATIVE BTW

#post (bad) was like 'adults need to take responsibility for what kids see online even publically posted fanwork' #it INCLUDED the sentence 'parents should monitor their kids internet more' and implied that people arbitrarily designated minors #dont have the impulse control to not look at content with warnings #all of this is not fucking true. children are people #and then every note arguing with the original post is like 'can we not have ONE SPACE without FUCKING minors... 😮‍💨' #'why is our responsibility to raise peoples kids for them' 'this implies that non kid friendly content shouldnt exist' #the last one is 100% true for the record but i think what yr getting at is that this random 'antishipper' on the internet #is responsible for like. sesta/fosta. no lmfao get real #and EVERY ONE OF THESE NOTES. is still fully accepting what the original post posits #that people arbitrarily designated minors are unable to resist barging into fan spaces #this is not true. kids are actually able to display the required self control in most cases #it doesnt come from a material condition of being a teenager. it sure as hell doesnt come from lack of brain development #people under 18 (age chosen by the government) are not easily impressed animals who just cant resist looking at triggering things #and then like. start whining about it because of their delicate constitution #the people you are talking about have every marker of 'adulthood' #theyre just a convenient pawn for yall to bitch at each other about shipping fictional characters #thats the only capacity that some people give a fuck about children in and it shows.

[foulserpent]

(tw for abuse) i dont understand what vivec is conveying in the sermons wrt the monsters and molag bal. he becomes divine so does he mean that stuff literally happened? or someone mortal did that to him and hes recontextualizing it? or is it like a metaphor for something more abstract about violence? the wedding stuff really confuses me. ive only gotten a little into morrowind lore

(putting under cut cw sexual abuse)

um like the thing with that is theres . a couple levels that entire narrative functions on, and it depends entirely on which  of two ways the spear “muatra” is interpreted

like the most obvious level and one that was absolutely intended is that muatra is a phallic symbol which is pretty explanatory when you see how its used. characterizes vivec as someone sexually violent. its really disgusting lol. this WAS intentional and mk gave a (non-)apology/explanation about that whole thing which was him being really fucked up at that point in his life and dealing with addiction and mental health issues which like . if it was just that then maybe id be like “ok whatever” but hes done a lot of other shit too.

but the other level, which is the level in which that whole narrative isnt terrible, is. “muatra” is an anagram of the word “trauma”. thats not accidental. and when you read that whole narrative through that perspective, it makes a LOT more sense bc the story becomes a recounting of a traumatic incident. the “wedding” and everything within is a recontextualization of something that happened to vivec that is being turned into a narrative aspect of their godhood journey instead

like the basic story is: vivec experiences abuse, and recontextualizes this as a “wedding”. creates a narrative where this very event is what taught him to grasp CHIM, indicating a life changing significance to this. this ahuse begets “monsters” that vivec gives birth to, which functions both as a confirmation on what this abuse is and a externalization of the results- the monstrous children are sort of like the twisted and disgusting results of what happened to them. if you chose to think of it as 100% symbolic, the monsters would be symbolism for the results of trauma and how trauma changes You. what that trauma bore

vivec gains the spear “muatra” from this encounter, which again is an anagram of trauma and pretty much every usage of the word can be read as trauma. in turning their trauma into a spear, its kind of like. an attempt to reclaim strength and autonomy after trauma. its reshaping what happened into a weapon and killing the “children” the abuse bore with it so one can become a new normal again. its a sort of cruel healing where you carry whats with you as something that makes you strong but like is violent and painful

i think all of the above is intentional, but the rest im going to say would give michael kirkbride too much credit. if it was written by a better human being who was writing from experience of how trauma affects you, id say the dual symbolism of: muatra as a sexual object used to inflict violence, and “trauma” made into a weapon, would be intentional. the more overt narrative of vivec being sexually violent with it would be representative of like a fear of having been sullied, disgust with oneself, disgust with ones body, fear of continuing the cycle, fear that youll become like those who hurt you, lashing out with a destructive coping mechanism. 

like it could function on that level but i think it was just MK being awful and putting shit in for shock value. also its just one example of  MK being shitty about vivec being intersex. placing a lot of like fetishistic emphasis on their genitalia. theres a lot going on there and almost all of it is bad

anyway as far as how literal it is. the sermons CANNOT be interpreted 100% literally. they partially exist to shape temple doctrine and maybe partially exist to instruct the nerevarine, so at the very least you have to assume SOME of it is untrue. like a lot of TES lore stuff is pretty damn literal but this is one case where i think its more interesting and valuable for it to be interpreted first and foremost as vivec rewriting their own history into a narrative fitting of what they want to be. 

but that doesnt mean NONE of it happened like, some of it might be real. some of it might have been retroactively made real. etc. it could be that the abuse narrative is 100% mundane with no daedra involved, it could be that they did actually grapple with molag bal (i think they did in some capacity but this isnt what its actually about). 

i think people with more developed Thoughts on this part of lore could say better but i think its less important to worry about the exact facts of it and more important to look into whats being said 

#i am answering this freely and have not given indication of not wanting to so dont feel bad but #i would like to not talk about this stuff anymore #its something i think is important to discuss but it DOES wear on me #anon #this is what i mean when i say theres a surprisingly decent narrative in the lessons of vivec bc like #the muatra=trauma reading makes everything like a genuine narrative about abuse and characterization of vivec #and the ways they have processed it #and like its at least partially intentional but its kind of crushed under the also intentional and disgusting narrative of #vivec abusing shit too #rape mention

[powerosewaterpuff]

so one question , what happen after bruce " death "

okokok so first off thank you so so much for this, it def helped get my creative juices flowing (and i totally didn’t do this instead of study for my exams :) )! so, when it came to bruce’s death i wanted to do one scene/moment that kinda encapulasted all the emotions happening etc., and i’m assuming u meant in terms of my lil reverse robin au with jason being the oldest (i really should make this a series lol) so yeah, please enjoy and this legit was churned out at 2:04AM on the dot so yk its s h i t

••••••••••

It was the soft snoring that had tipped Jason off.

The sound slowly flowed through the winds and slipped into his ears, as he went from rooftop to rooftop, as he scoured closer to Wayne Manor. He had avoided his old ‘home’ like the plague, a plague so dark and twisted it could infect him by only a glance but for some reason he felt almost obligated to get at least one check or look.

Maybe, it was the off handed disparaging comment that Dick had made in patrol under this breath after settling a crime scene a little too close to Jason’s turf that no one had caught except him that was yanking his unwilling body to just check that everything was fucking peachy. It was just a check. He would be in and out with minimal harm done and no one would even have to see him, and he could quell this annoying little voice creaking on about how much he has failed Dick, blathering on and on about his so many shortcomings when it came to him.

He hadn’t exactly expected to find Dick curled in his civvies up on an old nook by one of the gargoyles perched on the roof and snoring away. It was a spot they had haunted a lot in their youth, and Dick would insist on pulling Jason out of the warm confines of his bed just to watch the sun come up from that very spot. Jason would moan and complain about it for a while but once he saw the iridescent sheen of the blazing sun rearing it’s head on the horizon, he would clamp his mouth shut to enjoy the view.

He examined Dick critically and weighed his odds objectively as he inched closer, each thunk of his boots a calculated risk he was annoyingly choosing to take. Dick was clearly safe in some capacity and if the little brats down below couldn’t find him they would eventually try the roof, so Jason couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reason why he was still moving closer, tense but still moving. It was almost like a snake, slithering forward with its defences high as it keeps itself on edge for any sudden movements.

He would’ve left. Jason was going to leave, he had already eased his fragile conscience as it was, and he knew that Dick wasn’t in any life threatening danger, (Unless the danger was Jason himself), but it wasn’t until he was close enough to cock his head to the side a bit to get a better angle on Dick’s face, when he stopped in his tracks.

Little tear tracks, almost vein like, had stained Dick’s cheeks. They weren’t even all that noticeable, but the sheer existence of them at all was enough to make Jason just stop.

(He had always had a hard time ignoring Dick’s tears, hadn’t he? When Dick would sprain an ankle, or get even the mildest of all mild concussions, and his eyes began to get this glassy sheen while he desperately tried to hide them, Jason would be unable to leave his side. He had almost sworn himself into the duty of making sure Dick didn’t cry. Oh, how fate fiddles with its toys.)

Swallowing hard, Jason’s eyes flickered around, doing one last sweep of his surroundings. He sighed, attaching his gun to the holster around his waist and crouched down on the balls of his feet next to Dick. He fucking despised how Dick almost realized he was next to him, and shifted his position. Leaning his head onto Jason’s shins.

Jason knew enough to keep his connection with Dick as thin as he possibly could, but he was too selfish to let it burn to the ground like all the countless bridges he had torched and scorned at. Knowledgeable enough to distance but too selfish to leave.

What a fucking motto that was.

Jason took yet another shaky sigh, a lot more haggard this time, as he rubbed his hands over the smooth material of his helmet. It grounded him, for a slip of a moment, as he tried to avert his eyes from Dick’s form that was rising and falling slowly. Every time he glanced over, he managed to find something else he hated.

The dark circles making stark holes under his eyes.

The pinched look pulling at his features.

Those stupid fucking tear stains that were just screeching at Jason.

(“Batman just saves everyone, doesn’t he?”)

The fact that everytime Jason blinked, an eerily green shade would overtake his vision, leaving the form next to him shifting and contorting between the man next to him and the little twelve year old he had left behind. Scorched in the flames of Jason’s symphony.

Jason fumbled to release himself from his helmet, as his mind played catch up woth his thoughts and he ignored the pulling at his chest. He shoved the helmet off as it fizzed away, and threw his head back to take clumsy gulps of air. The putrid smell of rotting flesh mixed with dirt was ripping through him, but he pushed it aside. As he always did.

You just couldn’t fucking leave, Todd. Why the fuck couldn’t you just leave, huh? Ironic, wasn’t it? You keep demanding people realize you’re a different creature from what you once were, yet you can barely differentiate between your twelve year old brother and the man whose morphed into everything you fucking hate. Why? Why are you here? Move. Move. Get up. Get the fuck up, Tod-.

“Y’know? You are such an asshole,” Jason croaked softly, shifting his eyes to see if Dick stirred but to no response.

“I know you don’t want this. I know that, so why are you still against m—,” Jason ran a hand through his hair and tugged at his roots slightly, “Batman saves everyone, huh? He doesn’t save you though, does he? No ones here to catch you when you fall anymore, and now you’re crying on a fucking roof.”

He curled his hands around his roots tighter, feeling the pull of his skin prickle at his mind, “You’re setting a bad example, Dick. What will your dearest little brats think about this performance? He never pulled shit like this. You know that, though. I know you do. That’s why you’re doing it in a little secret spot so that you can turn yourself around, and give that stupid smile that no one believes anyways. I always thought you were a little less predictable then that. I overestimated, clearly.”

Jason resolved to stare at the drying splatters of blood that adorned the soles of his shoes. He bit down the churning of acids in his stomach, a feeble attempt of his conscience to make him feel like shit. He had overestimated. He had. Dick wasn’t fucking better, it didn’t matter that he had tried to smother the Joker in an adrenaline high, because he was still as useless as Bruce. Jason was effective, he got shit done that no one else had the stomach to do and that was fine. He had far gotten over his pleading desire for Batman to avenge him, it was a fallacy of the boy who had become a rotting carcass under the confines of wood and shattering bones. Jason has become far more attuned to the reality of his situation, not the fallacy.

As the moon revealed itself from behind a long string of clouds, Jason once again glanced down at Dick. He snorted softly, as he saw a certain gleam in Dick’s waves of hair.

“God, do you still use that same pomade? I swear you got an allergy from that, did you not? Anyways it still fucking reeks, so you better take that shit off.”

Jason allowed himself to slowly unfurl his hands from almost tanking out tufts of his hair, as he felt the tightly wound rope around his chest unwind ever so slowly.

“Grayson? Grayson!”

The shrill tilt of a voice shoved Jason back into reality, and he was already setting his helmet into place, with his line soaring across the sky to another building. He cast a fleeting look at Dick, before he soared off into the sky before the little boy dressed in a jalabiya got the chance to peak his head into the little flap leading up to the roof.

Fin

(P.S. It really hadn’t been Jason’s ideal Friday night, by any means necessary. He had envisioned himself finally finishing Little Women, and being able to devour the next book that had ‘mysteriously’ shown by his door. Instead, he was roped into watching Miracle on 34th Street with a particular blue bird perched on the floor by his couch.

Bryon has just been complaining to Kris about his failed proposal attempt with Susan, when Jason caught onto the sound of soft breathing with a hint of a snore. He pushed himself out of his previous position, and peered down to find Dick slumped on the floor with his head resting on the side of Jason’s legs. He sighed, his lips twitching upwards as he didn’t dare move his legs from their spot.

He stretched his arms out out, to reach for both his book that was on the old coffee table as well as the remote. He smacked the end of the remote a few times, and slowly lowered the volume on the TV. (Dick had once told him he never really liked sleeping in complete silence, it bothered him to some extent). He then flipped to the page he had stopped on, slowly pulling out an old but pristine bookmark that Jason and Bruce had made once, and gently placed it next to him. He leaned back, resting his aching back as his eyes flickered over the words of the novel, all the more aware of the presence by his feet but he found himself not minding all that much. He knew this kind of calming bliss was only temporary with the ‘clan’ they had but he savoured it with all he had.

...The children are regular archangels, and I-well, I’m Jo, and never shall be anything else. Oh, I must tell you that I came near having a quarrel with Laurie...(P.267 of Little Women.)

•••

SOOO THATS IT THIS TOOK SO MUCH LONGER THAN I WANTED I AM SO SORRY! i’m pretty pleased with how it turned out and even though it’s not a series of hc’s per say i wanted to kinda encapsulate everything yk? also damian wears a jalabiya please let this child be connected to his culture for my sanity and his (my little egyptian-canadian ass needs this o k?) also my plan is to do a lil christmas fic with bruce and dick but u h h i have shitty time management skills lEMME TELL UUU I STILL HAVE WAY TOO MUCH UNFINISHED SHIT IN AO3 T-T BUT ANWAYS THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR READING THIS WAS HELLA FUN TO DO :)!!

#batman #batkids #reverse robin au #reverse robins #jason peter todd #big brother jason #dick grayson #dick is batman #damian wayne #for a lil bit #dcu #dc #all aboard the angst train #toot toot #red hood #oh those boys are in pAIN #one of them is asleep tho but his pain is ALL THE MORE EVIDENT I LEGIT HAVE A PROBLEM WHY CAN I ONLY WRITE FUCKING ANGSTTTTT #dc universe #batfam #batfamily #iS MY FAV THING TO WRITE N U CANT STOP ME AHHAHAAHHA #robin #feels #family feels #hurt/no comfort #comfort #but only at the end it’s mostly all angsty hurt #post death tings #angst

[alexanderpusheen]

i have some feelings about how people treat age (i am thirty for complete transparency) and its ~nuanced~ but not really as nuanced as people think it is? these are my perspectives as a 30 year old survivor and educator. this is kind of rambly and doesnt have a conclusion, i just wanted to get it out of my head.

lets talk maturity like adults, especially those over the age of 21, have enough experience to know that their feelings and mindsets are vastly different than that of someone who is 15, 16, or even 17 or 18. i still remember what it felt like to be 12, i still remember what it felt like to be 15, and i still remember what it felt like to be 17, 20, 25...and honestly i wouldnt go back lmao. im MUCH more mature today than i was then.

the older you are the more life experience you have to know what is and isnt right. you learn how to deal with people simply because youve had more time to do so. in that sense, the older an adult is, the more of an ‘edge’ theyre going to have over a minor. so you can never have an equal relationship because you just know too much. 

on the other hand, i think theres this stigma against older people that goes beyond looking out for childrens well beings and goes right into ageism. i have this theory that most people have no idea what a 30 year old is supposed to look like. most people assume im in my early 20s for a bunch of reasons...either its my looks or my interests or whatever but i think there is this narrative that someone over the age of 30 must be married, popping out children, buying a house, working on their career, and definitely not doing silly things on the internet. 30 year olds are ‘serious.’ ‘mature.’ something that simply does not apply to me as a personality trait, but because time has passed i have to BECOME another person....i dont get that.

in my professional life i have a lot of contact with teenagers. i talk to my teenage students like theyre adults because i dont think theyre idiots. i feel like a lot of my colleagues tend to treat teens like zoo animals rather than taking their jobs seriously. educators are part of a childs education process. we help form who you are, whether we like it or not, so giving you age appropriate responsibilities (within reason, i also hate assigning lots of busywork homework) is part of our job. teens say dumb things because theyre teens but also i remember that once i had a fucking meltdown in english class when i was 14 because i got a B+ on a quiz and said i was going to work at burger king forever and my teacher actually reassured me in her own comedic way. so yeah, i remember being overdramatic and annoying too so i cant be critical of my students for that.

while i think the age dynamic between a teenager and an adult is something to take more seriously than some people online would like to, i also see a lot of full grown adults in their early 20s pretending that anyone over 30 is a corpse. it goes back to what i said about that narrative....30 is not the end of your life. in fact, i felt my life was just beginning once i turned 30. i spent most of my 20s in and out of mental hospitals and in treatment, learning how to function, and towards my late 20s i finally became a teacher and found that it was a fundamentally vital part of my recovery. but the ‘best years of my life’ aka my teen years and early 20s were all spent trapped in abusive relationships and processing trauma. now that im older, i feel i can finally start living.

maybe its because of my experiences but i really resent being told that im old just because im 30. im only five years older than some of these people who are like ‘dni if youre 30+!’.... like you are 25 years old there is no significant age gap or power differential between us??? do you think that once you turn 30 you stop liking anime and become some kind of sexually predatory liability towards....people in their mid to late 20s? 

the reason we talk about age is because adults, all adults, need to respect children and teens at their particular stage of development. i know teenagers hate being told theyre not fully mature yet but you arent fully mature yet. you arent adults. even if you were, you simply dont have that much life experience. its fine not to know everything. and there are people who know more than you who will try to use what they know against you. thats why discussion age dynamics is so important. because childhood developmental stages are a thing really even up until youre in your early 20s (but at that point it doesnt matter AS MUCH because once youre legally an adult you have more legal rights than you do as a child, as sad as that is).

i think a lot of this antagonism against people over 30 is that society generally values youth, which is pretty silly because society also gives children and teens little to no legal recourse. so there is this distinct antagonism there. youth is valuable perhaps BECAUSE of its capacity for exploitation. once youre older, you know better, and thus you cannot be so easily fooled. and thus, as a result, we all believe turning 30 means youre a dried up useless husk, because your buying power isnt as useful. your beauty (if you are a woman) is worthless because only barely legal teens are acceptable in a society that highly values youth....and we should maybe unpack that because thats highly uncomfortable isnt it? your reproductive capacity is worthless because biased scientists have told us that if you have a child over 40 you are GUARANTEED to produce DEFECTIVE CHILDREN!!!! its backed up by SCIENCE!!!! science says older women are useless and shouldnt have children!! even though we live in a world where genetic counseling exists and we can easily navigate those risks...but no, science says. 

the cult of youth is a cult of exploitation of the youth and one that devalues to the point of disposability of older people. and during the pandemic we are really starting to see just how little governments care about older people. in fact, its almost as if they are purposely killing them off...because they arent as important as the youth for some of the above mentioned reasons.

#long post #Heavenly Decree #just something i had on my mind

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

#acid.txt #this took a while but :wahoo:

[phantombones]

JANE LONGBOTTOM really is the spitting image of SEYCHELLE GABRIEL, right? For someone only TWENTY-TWO ( AQUARIUS/PISCES CUSP ) years old, JANEY has been forced to endure so much. Yeah, that HALFBLOOD has been scraping by at the sanctuary for EIGHT MONTHS now, working as a HEALER in the DIVISION OF HEALING. SHE identifies as CIS-FEMALE and is known to be PERSNICKETY and SELFLESS but also HARDWORKING and ALTRUISTIC. Best of luck surviving through this. 

CHARACTER PARALLELS: Cosette ( Les Misérables ), Beth Greene ( TWD ), Lexie Grey ( Grey’s Anatomy ), Emma Woodhouse ( Emma ), Steve Rogers ( MCU ), Kara Danvers ( DC ), Jemma Simmons ( Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. ), Primrose Everdeen ( THG the Books )

PINTREST BOARD: [ x ]

- Jane was given so much, it almost a surprise that she didn’t up greedy & selfish. Whether it was the love her siblings & parents gave her, whether it was the individual little kindnesses in the world that seemed like man made moments of magic, For the first few years of her life, Jane was with a mother who didn’t know how to take care of her, though she desperately tried to. The woman was still dealing with emotional scars from the previous Wizarding War and got a job at The Leaky Cauldron -- where Hannah was now the owner. Hannah saw the woman have a hard time with her child, and let her bring the young girl to the Leaky so she could keep an eye on her. Jane was calm, collected and observant even as a child and extremely kind, always offering smiles and compliments to patrons. Always trying to help anyone who worked there, having the best intentions even if she sometimes accidentally got in the way. The Longbottoms had been looking to adopt another child for a while, so when the young mother confided in Hannah that she could no longer her child and didn’t know what to do -- The Longbottoms thought it was the perfect opportunity then, to try to adopt Jane and they ended up succeeding.

- [ OCD MENTION ] She was always so grateful and never bitter towards her biological mother, Hannah and Neville never were either, happy that they had Jane in their life and she grew up in a loving household nurturing  the heart full of love and kindness that she’d been born with. Her older brother Rhys was someone she was so fascinated with who was extremely protective of her and she loved her sister Violet’s personality, there was passion, love, support as well as someone who understood her. It was then she met her godbrother Albus as well, who was also adopted into one of the most famous families in the Wizarding World and the two became inseparable. When all her family was first shipped off to Hogwarts without her, Jane cried and missed them dearly. Yes, she had Albus, but he still had his sister and extensive family and while she felt close to the Wotters -- it wasn’t the same without her siblings. There was a guilt that she felt for not being more grateful. Jane started having obsessive thoughts and compulsions in an attempt to cope with the fears associated with her siblings both being away. Diagnosed with OCD at such a young age was an illuminating thing for Jane, her treatment process was something that further bonded her with Hannah. After months of treatments, exposure therapy, the support of her family & friends, and inner strength, Jane finally felt better and realizing all she wanted to do was give, and give that same healing power & love back to other people. It was clear in her mind then, she wanted to be Healer. It was her calling. [ END OF OCD MENTION ]

- Though Jane was incredibly well liked, she was also sometimes made fun of for naive brand of thinking, and though she had a pure innocence, she was not blind or unexperienced to hurt, mental suffering, and loss. She was underestimated by some as some saw her as a far too idealistic Hufflepuff, a naive girl, a perfect student and so altruistic & sweet it made your teeth rot. It was all genuine, kindness was her virtue and being kind to others even when they were unkind to her was something she frequently practiced. People thought her being a Healer wouldn’t work, they thought her meek, but Jane was even more hungry to prove herself, finding any way to advance & learn as quickly as she could to get to her goal as best & quickly as she could. Jane simply couldn’t wait. The hardwork paid off, and though Jane didn’t graduate early from Hogwarts, she had taken classes & done so many internships as well as pre-Healing programs over summers & during school ( helping in the infirmary with Miss Pomfrey kept her sane ) that she started her training immediately after school a year ahead. Her life was dedicated to that then, and the young girl many thought would probably faint at the sign of blood with how pristine she could act was always hands first in a body cavity doing what she had to. The first to respond to a scene that required extra care and thought. The first to get her scrubs beyond dirty and stained with blood if needed. Jane took authority, she was confident in a way that she didn’t display anywhere else.

- When the Inferi outbreak started, Jane had just finally graduated from the program and become a full fledged Healer with a research lab and a grant she’d gotten from the Ministry. She’d been focused on finding a way to cure Lycanthropy when people started coming in with weird symptoms, and bodies that didn’t look quite human started coming in ripped apart, missing organs. Jane kept calm, but deep in her gut she knew something was wrong and started preparing for the worse -- just as a precaution. It paid off, because when it was told that they Jane was one of the first people at Hogwarts helping set up the Division of Healing in Hogwarts, and has been there for 8 months since. Jane still is truly one of the nicest, kindest, selfless people you’ll ever meet  that it could kill her. Easily willing to help a person no matter what side they’re on, it’s hard for her to tolerate suffering in any capacity -- especially when doled out by brainwashed bigoted children. Jane is nonstop in working, she’s finally gotten to where she wants to start and she’ll be damned to let the world fall apart if she can help it. She wants to do anything she can to help the world and to help heal the people around her, and will do everything in her power to try.

RANDOM FACTS:

excellent chess player and hot chocolate maker

will try to set you up!!! even in this economy!! is so in love with people’s love life and would fuck around with the media bc she found them annoying but funny and always making assumptions so she just went with it and joked around fueling and feeding FAKE AF rumors

Her sexuality and her OCD were two things she had trouble thinking about and dealing with. Firstly, Jane had never really felt the same sexual attraction to people that everyone else had when she was in school. She could never imagine casually sleeping with someone and when someone mentioned a need for sex, Jane didn’t really understand it. She figured it’d come later, but it never did and for a while Jane felt broken by it, she felt scared that there was something deeply wrong with her. Albus was who she opened up to first, and he helped educate and reassure her that there was nothing wrong with her -- though she felt comforted it’s not something she’s thought about further. Especially during the zombie apocalypse. Her OCD now isn’t as compulsion driven now as it is obsessive thought centered. Survival mode is hard and definitely taking it’s toll on Jane, something she needs to take care of but feels she can’t. Other people are suffering more, they need her brain and they need her hands, she cannot think about things that will unravel her. So Jane pushes it down, as her anxiety grows and the number of hours she sleeps grows less and less.

but really if she sees two people who look cute and are acting cute together she’ll ship it

she really has no artistic talent??? she’s not the most knowledgeable on it either besides art from books like plays, but painting all that jazz?? how do u do that??

really pure, cinnamon roll, follows da rulez and probs tries to mother you like SHE WILL bc she cares so damn much

always always leads with her heart but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a sharp mind. she just prefers to lead with her heart and FEELS so much

will always be gentle and kind no matter what, it’s wild

loves herbology and likes potions a lot but jane really got good at it through hardwork, ambition to be a healer and curiousity.

imma stop now bc THATS  A LOT! but thank you for reading and if you’d like to plot just like this!! honestly ur the real mvp if u read this

#inferi intro #intro ❀ ( jane longbottom. )

[graylit]

𝚙𝚕𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚢 𝚍𝚎𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚕 & 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 : 𝚙𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊, 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚊𝚋𝚞𝚜𝚎/𝚊𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝/𝚗𝚎𝚐𝚕𝚎𝚌𝚝, 𝚊𝚗𝚡𝚒𝚎𝚝𝚢, 𝚍𝚎𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚜, 𝚘𝚋𝚜𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚞𝚕𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛, 𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚎𝚌𝚝.    NOT  FOR  REBLOG !!!! ( unless you’re aloy )

REY  IS  NOT  OKAY, lets kick this clusterfuck of emotional content off with that! She is a ball of anxiety, depression, and low self esteem all wrapped up in spiky armor. She’s basically a lil hedgehog curled up in a ball protecting her soft tummy, which is how she’s lived most of her life until the events of TFA. This doesn’t make her WEAK in any way shape or form. In fact, it’s the pillar of strength that keeps her pressing onward. She is vulnerable and tender underneath the spikes she built to survive a world where softness doesn’t survive or exist.

We’re gonna start with the obvious here  ABANDONMENT  and work our way up down this painful laundry list. Now, many adopted children that are in loving and wonderful homes are still liable to feelings of abandonment or low self-esteem (  this varies from person to people ofc. the adoptees I have known over the years are an even split down the middle  )  ‘why wouldn’t my parents want me? am I not good enough? did I do something wrong? ect’ These are children placed in healthy environments with people that love and want them and those dreadful creeping feelings still exist. Now imagine quite literally WATCHING your parents on a hot and dead planet with a stranger, zooming off into space never to be seen again! If you can garner such lifelong & potentially damaging feelings in a place thats wonderful, imagine knowing and remembering their departure.

That is so goddamn WOUNDING and traumatic that she has no other choice but to bury that pain. It’s a survival instinct. It’s the mind and body protecting you from something too terrible for a child her age to cope with. So she goes on autopilot and clings to the hope of SOMEDAY because she has no other choice.  Trauma like that erases memories, especially in children as young as Rey. 

ANXIETY?  Heaps of it. Constantly. About nearly everything whether she is able to express if or not. There’s a chance she’ll miss her fam if she’s away from Jakku? Panic attack. There’s a chance her AT-AT might be ransacked by thieves in her absence? Panic Attack. You’re headed off somewhere without her? Panic attack. It might be mild at the start, but years down the road now that she’s away from the child labor camp daycare it will hit her full force. Finn will say he has to go off planet, he has to go SOMEWHERE alone and he promises he’ll be back. Her stomach would give a sick and ugly jolt but he had never lied to her before so she bites her tongue and waits. She HATES herself for the relief she feels at his swift return, how weak it makes her feel against a feeling she has no control over. Anyone she has ever grown close to is subject to these feelings, this fear. With Han being murdered right before her eyes she’s utterly shattered and can’t help but expect her loved ones to disappear.

Lets talk about that good ol soul crushing  DEPRESSION !! When the excitement dies down, when you’re heart stops pounding and you’re still for some unforeseen amount of time, it sets in like a weight. When there’s nothing let to be anxious about and the stillness takes ahold. Whether she was laying awake in her AT-AT on Jakku or curled up in her bed on D’Qar / Ahch-To / The Falcon, it is so heavy it nearly crushes her. The moments she doesn’t spend every second fighting to survive are foreign and agonizing. Being surrounded by wonderful friends and adoptive family is fantastic, sure. But depression doesn’t give a fuck how great things are going. It eats and eats at you until you cease to exist. She’s whittled away during the night, reborn every morning, ready to expend all of her energy on work so she can forget.

SELF ESTEEM? where do we download that? reiterating the abandonment issues ‘my own parents didn’t want me, why would anyone else? what did i do wrong? what if i do it again and people leave me?’ an endless stream of consciousness that makes her ache. Rey doesn’t wallow though, not for long and certainly not where anyone can see her. That’s where those lil hedgehog spikes come in handy. She doesn’t need anyone! She’s spelt well over a decade by herself, she doesn’t need to let anyone in. But God she wants to. She’s so tired of being hurt and left behind. She WANTS to be chosen for once, so much so that the girl wary of all physical contact throws her arms around the boy that came to rescue her. Does she deserve it? Is she worth all that trouble? She doesn’t know but she thanks her lucky stars someone things she is.

Last but not least that good ol OCD ‘cause if you think she stopped scratching lil tallies into places or counting down the days you are WRONG. When a habit that important and kept so devotedly, it doesn’t just go away. None of her little ‘quirks’ do and she will go into a full blown panic if they are not completed. Rey missing a tally? She’ll lose track of the days that go by in her head, she’ll lose track of her family, she’ll miss them! That feeling would have been double on Jakku, especially if she was trapped somewhere or away for an unspecified amount of time.

Every single ill that has befallen her, every abhorrent thing she has suffered and quickly swept away in order to survive will come back sevenfold down the line. The body keeps score and boy has she racked up a SIGNIFICANT number. This shit does not go away with a hug and a new life. This will follow her until her dying day, which if left untreated by a mental health expert, could be sooner rather than later. If you honest to God think that Rey would okay in any capacity with whoever left her, that a normal relationship would ensue in the near future, than you have no concept of mental health or trauma or this character in general. 

On the subject of  PARENTAGE & LUKE SKYWALKER since that is still a terribly unfortunate theory ; I cannot think of a faster way to send either of them dark side. Not only does it destroy any integrity Luke had, but it would send Rey SPRINTING in the opposite direction. There is no reason good enough to abandon your child to a life of starvation and hard labor and deep down Rey knows this. There are hints that her parents are dark siders, people that lived and possibly worked on Jakku for the Empire which would make sense given its history. That being the case she’s much more likely to stay were she is, not fleeing to a middle ground or to the opposite side which would happen if the former came true. Her outlook would be tainted because why would a HERO, a GOOD MAN leave her to suffer alone? No matter her lineage, the relationship with her birth parents is FRACTURED. No matter how much she wants them, they have sewn seeds of mistrust in her heart that will take DECADES to undo. With her new family in the resistance, in FINN, she doesn’t need anyone else. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.  She’s found her family in friends and that is far more profound than any blood relatives.

#ii. WE OBSESS ; IT IS OUR NATURE | headcanons #not for reblog // #rip everyones dash #instead of starters this was what i was doing b/c its important #which is why it's huge #stop fucking vilifying luke by tryina make the ridiculous re/ywalker theory a thing lmao #gOD i will never understand how half this site is so blind to how gross and terribly written it is #those two characters are precious and deserve better #NOT TO MENTION ADOPTIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE EQUALLY VALID AND IMPORTANT #sb : how passionate are u abt rey? #me : so many.gif #i wrote this at like 2am pls bear w/ me tbh

[kira1982]

1-7, 12, 23-25

1. describe your idea of a perfect datehonestly it really depends on my mood. like if we follow wherever the wind goes and don't feel too abrasive, thats when the dates the best. but honestly especially dinner dates, just cuz my boy goes crazy after hes just got done scarfing down a twice his stomachs capacity of food and i love him when hes delirious 2. whats your "type"?when it comes to first meeting, i love people who are eccentric and not afraid to be so. the more so the better honestly. but as i get to know someone, i love people who are soft and gentle. also femininity for all genders is 👌🏼3. do you want kids?honest to god YES i think about it A LOT i think about teaching them all these lessons and playing with legos and how magical id make the world for them. i love children even though im really nervous around most of them i just love the spark and the sunshine of being young4. if you do, will you adopt or use some form of child birth?Uhhh thats a toughie actually. cuz like. both would be cool because, im cute, my boys cute, wed prob have cute kids. HOWEVER im small as FUCK and probably couldnt do so swell in growing another human PLUS theres so many children that need to be adopted soo idek this is an issue for 30 year old me5. describe the cutest date youve ever been onOh my god i don't even knooow ummm alex and i dont go on dates much because were cheap but. yesterday we walked down to the undeveloped culdisac in my neighborhood and looked over the prairie area at the graveyard and the huge radio tower by my house and sat on the road and talked about tumbleweeds i think. then when we walked back i think i was singing the entirety of never gonna give you up by rick astley in a high pitched voice and alex was like "ladies and gentlemen the singing baby!" and i wanted to pick sunflowers but they all had bugs in them. ALL OF THEM! it was very very nice6. Describe your experience having sex for the first timeOh my God. Lemme think. Sooooo it was this time (august) last year and alex and i were home alone at his house and i just remember me laughing at how weird the condom looked and him being like stop cuz it made him lose the boner and basically we just did it in missionary for a little bit and we were both really shaky i think so we stopped without cumming but overall it was a really nice experience i love him7. morning time gay or night time gay?MORNING i love how beautiful everything is in the morning even though i feel so fucked when i wake up early enough to see the sunrise. i love the dew and the cool air12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone?Since ive been dating the same person for 2 years im gonna turn this into friendships but - Basically if theyre a dick. in any way. if theyre unnecessarily rude to me or sarcastic or condescending at all im like um Nope yall dont need to be this negative and THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR is SO important to me if it doesnt align i just cant do it omg23. have you ever been in love?i truly do believe i have experienced being in love and commitment in the most serious sense but also im in love with so many things in so many dif ways... im in love with the way i see birds and rabbits pass by me and the way all my friends laugh and all of the sunflowers i see blooming on the sides of the roads... dont even TALK to me about love i am MADE of oxytocin24. have you ever been heartbroken?i mean claire didnt like me back when i liked her in 9th grade so i think so 25. how do you determine if you want to be WITH someone or just plain BE someone?Tbh its both i dont even try to make the differentiation anymore like ill be w/ someone and all of their traits not only make me want to spend more time with them but emulate them as well so we can both be good. im sorry that im turning all these platonic i never experienced casual dating dkfjdkTHANK YOU for sendin me all these questions Bruthur

[crowsent]

Would you be willing to elaborate on the vase story?

sure why the fuck not

i was young. way young. and had a temper shorter than my height. and back then, i was even shorter than i am now. i was this waifish 4 feet thing that wore a pleated skirt and stockings with floral-print boots and had my hair up in pigtails. dainty as a prairie flower that wore an absurd pink bedazzled slap bracelet on both wrists. walked around like i was dorothy skippin down the brick road. in short. i was the furthest fucking thing from intimidating as you could get.

and back then, i was the Weird kid. we had a bitch who spoke to trees and a bastard son of a bicol politican sentenced to live in the backwoods bronies who gleefully licked stripes up down and sideways on the classroom wall. but i was the Weird Kid. because apparently being neurodivergent in my country is a death knell for children bc i got bodied. and i got bodied hard.

as in got slammed into walls “on accident” all the time, had someone write on the blackboard “i wish salt would just permanently leave” in block letters and had kids very blatantly exclude me from their games/activities/hangout-sessions. for some fucking reason, i still stayed a decent human bc while i had the full capacity to yank this bitch pricea’s dumb head into the ground and knock her frail ass unconscious i didnt.

was nice like that

anyway. because i was the Weird Kid and never fought back, resident Asshole Extrodinaire Shitface Mcgee decided to bully me hardfucking core. lets call this bastard DU.

so i was having a good fucking time by myself, running around and bothering no one bc i still liked to do physical things way back when, when DU fucking bodyslams me once or twice while i was frolicking around n bein one with nature and all that bullshit. when i decided “yeah, i need the exercise during lunch break but not when this fucker is out on the field” so i very casually jogged back.

then DU breaks a vase on me.

specifically my right knee.

huge-ass scar runnin horizontal. if you run a finger over it you can feel texture where the flesh dun heal proper. couldnt walk straight for like. two days

but i was a nice girl so i told the principal that we were horsin round and he accidentally pushed too hard and i fell on the ceramic vase and it just so happened to shatter unfortunately on my knee. was a liar back then too, but way way too nice. teachers bought it, students didnt because people saw what happened n didnt give no fucks bout me since it was the most amusin thing to happen in a while. you know. just teenager things. casually observe someone get bullied and injured and bleeding all over the ground cus its fun.

so the news of the vase thing spread around the school because the school is a private one and rumours fly like tp off shelves and i guess the constant talk about me bein a coward pushover who dont know how to fight back kinda made me snap????? like. i can put up with bullyin and physical abuse by people taller and heavier than me no problem but the moment you call me an idiot who cant swing a fist, i mcfucking lose it.

so.

injured right leg, limpin like a newborn fawn caught its leg in a trap and the DU motherfucker accosts me again in the middle of a dark hallway on the first floor between the canteen and the dining room. says “sorry you tripped onto the vase” like an ASSHOLE bc we both know i sure as fuck didnt trip and then the bitch had the nerve to say “you should look where youre goin” like it was my fault theres a tear in my fucking knee.

then he took my glasses and told me to walk back to class but be careful goin up the stairs cus i might trip and injure my other knee. then the motherfucker laughed.

and then i broke his nose and dislocated his wrist.

real nice story. feral salt fucking surfaced that day. im still nice i guess but my first response can and will be physical violence bc thats the only goddamn language that seems to work around people

gives me a real kick when people who see the scar ask me about it and then i get to watch their faces go from pity to this perfect mix of fear and concern and threatened at the same time when i tell them that i broke the motherfuckers nose, dislocated his wrist, and enjoyed doing it. i get such a good kick from the looks on their faces. aint nothin better

injury’s all healed up too.

bastard couldnt even break the vase over my knee properly. dont feel nothin on my right leg now. all he did was push “nice good christian girl” salt down and bring “feral, unhinged, will murder your family for the price of one corn chip” salt to the surface.

[clawoutmyinsides]

uhh. forgot what i was gonna say.

oh yeah i’ve never been too keen on having kids and so theoretically i would adopt if i decide i want children but also my ego wants to pass on my own genetics bc besides like. my less than stellar mental health i’m not too bad so if i was gonna raise a child i would want it to be mine yknow. but also i dont want to ever give birth and i think i would be a terrible mother. im kinda looking forward to being a cool aunt to my sisters kids tho like i have the motherly instincts to teach kids things and the desire to guide someone through the world but i mean i think it would just be cruel to the theoretical child if i had to care for them 24/7 since i dunno if i can care for myself all that well. and i can’t see myself getting married not that i theoretically wouldn’t want to but i need so much privacy or i go crazy i can’t stand sleeping in the same room as other people. and i think im unlovable. anyways i dont think id be a good mother and it would be unfair to adopt a kid since i suck. but i have this desire to adopt an older kid cos i think i would be better equipped to handle a child that can remember to feed itself and can brush its own teeth. but again if im gonna raise a kid i want it to have my genetics. idk if thats egotistical and selfish. maybe it is. not that like i dont wanna adopt a kid cos maybe theyre a ‘problem child’ IM a problem child lmao. so if anything i would birth the kind of kid that has anger issues and is like. vaguely and suspiciously autistic but maybe thats just anxiety. sometimes im sad that ill just die and nothing will be left. i like my last name and for some reason i want to pass it on. not to fuckin brag or whatever but im smart and i value that. maybe i value intelligence bc ive been told im special and intelligent my whole life and certainly thats not the only valuable aspect of a person. but i would want my child to be smart. i think i would be really sad if i raised a kid that just wasn’t capable of reaching the kind of potential i’m acclimated to based on my own way of thinking. i sound like a goddamn eugenecist but from what i know there is a theory of intelligence thats usually measure by IQ (which fuck off i know its inaccurate and has a ton of problems) but that idea that genetically people have different capacities to learn and understand and make connections and synthesize/process information certainly informs my perspective on adoption. it kinda makes me sad to think ill never marry and ill never have kids. i dont even usually want those things like starting a family isnt and has never been one of my goals or measures of success. im probably about to get my period so fuck this. but its something ive been thinking about on and off for a while.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk. 

[thiswasabigmistakepart20000]

Dating...in highschool

Dating in high school is a mistake. Its probably the biggest mistake teens will admit to making (maybe thats why some parents get weird about their child’s love life). Not to say that high school sweethearts dont get married and are in healthy relationships and have children i just think its EXTREMELY unlikely. 

Now since you all dont know me very well let me drop this lil bit of info on you. I have never been in a relationship (elementary school boyfriends and “relationships” lasting less than 24 hours dont count either). I havent been in a relationship not because im a prude or cant find anyone worth giving my time to, its because i know for a damn fact that as soon as am handed my high school graduation diploma, i will never see majority of my peers now, ever again. 

i also have a whole issue with commitment. I dont really know if its my actual problem but i do know that if i spend a lot of time texting someone (like every day) than i start feeling strange and begin to feel like i owe this person my time when i actually dont. Then i become super aware of EVERY SINGLE LETTER i type to that person, and the entire “talking” things goes to shit. I remember one day when i was in art class and i was a little tenth grader minding my own business this freshman boy says “so are you a lesbian, because your a sophomore and you dont even have a boyfriend”. That entire statement actually made me feel bad for this boy, not because i have anything against lesbians (hey girly whatever suits you, go for it love is love idc) but the fact that this boy actually thought that his statement made sense blew my mind. At the time he had a girlfriend which he still has at the moment and hes a sophomore now but i was just shook.

 I know eventually once i know what i want and am ready to have a future with someone ill be set but i dont want to spend time AND MONEY (valentines day is an expensive coupley holiday my friends) and then break up with someone after a couple months and have done all that for nothing. Besides all those reasons, theres also the fact that peoples brains dont even fully mature until the age of 25. IM NOT SAYING I WILL NOT ENGAGE IN ANY FORM OF RELATIONSHIP STATUS BEFORE THEN im just sayin’, remember some people are just gonna be stupid for a lil bit, thats nature. But of course there are those boys (and girls) who seem to have the brain capacity of an adolescent child, while they swear up and down they are a man (or women, again, equality for all haha). 

ANOTHER reason is you and your significant other, are never the only two people in your relationship. Everyone and their mother knows about you two and some people are more involved in the relationship than others. Like your friends. Whether you like it or not your friends will either be exceedingly for the relationship or immensely against it. Either way your gonna have a dilemma because if your friends like the person, and you dont, your fucked. And if you really like this person and your friends dont, your fucked again. Honesty i dont know the solution to this problem (besides faking both of your deaths and fleeing the country) but its a issue that needs to be addressed.

This entire post seems like i am so ANTI-RELATIONSHIP and that the whole idea of love is as fake as Trumps hair but im not. Im not a heartless bitch or anything. I know nothing will make me happier then when i find someone who is ok with me writing in bed at 1 in the morning, but this is just what i am currently feeling. Maybe even tomorrow someone extraordinary will appear and this entire post will have been written for shit, but i just dont like how sometimes it feels like to have your “entire high school experience” you have to be with someone.

thats all im sayin. do what you want with this info

#dating #couple #couple goals #bullshit #love #thats enough of that #goodnight