#the real answer being they don't know either

[pr-incey]

For a while—after being exposed to the antiship movement, because goodness knows I didn't care about this when I was younger—I wondered *why* fiction and reality were so different in my head. Why I could happily see things depicted in fiction that would make me sick to my stomach or upset me to tears just from thinking of it happening in real life. I couldn't come up with a reason for this for a while, which caused me distressed and made me worried that I might secretly be a terrible person after all.

But I've done some thinking and I've figured it out. Or, rather, I've returned to the mindset that came so easy to me in the past and probably did to a lot of people before the well was poisoned.

When I see a fictional character, I don't see a person. I don't see a person like *me*, anyway. I see a person within that piece of fiction's universe; a plane of existence that is wholly different from my own. Lines and colour, words on a page, virtual drawings being played sequentially at a speed that simulates movement. Sure, the written passage, 'He had eyes, ears and a mouth' is a representation of what *I* am, and what other people around me are, but it is fundamentally a plane of existence that is *alien* to me.

An alien is something that is decidedly not human. I feel empathy for other humans because I can relate to them. I have no desire to hurt them because I either know what it is like to be hurt in that way, or I can imagine what it would be like. I know the harm it would do to them, which illicits a reaction of disgust and apprehension in me. 'That's terrible,' I think, which simply kills any desire to cause any harm to a real person or do any disgusting actions.

This is why predators are such terrible people. They are fully aware of the harm their actions will cause and then go ahead with them anyway.

But with a fictional character, it's different in these ways:

1. First of all, we have to remember that they AREN'T human and so whatever I feel towards them cannot accurately mirror whatever I feel towards real flesh and blood individuals. They're projections of humanity from OTHER people in whatever medium they choose, but fictional characters are—and I cannot stress this enough—NOT HUMAN. If I pull off the head of a Barbie doll, does that mean I have the desire to behead someone in real life? Does it mean that I MUST have the urge to behead someone in real life, because a barbie doll is a 'representation' of a person? Your answer, I'm hoping, is no. Because Barbie is not human.

2. And because fictional characters are not human, I don't have empathy for them. Not REAL empathy, anyway, the type that stops the desire to cause harm. When I 'violate' a fictional character, it illicits at most only superficial disgust because I know that character will not live with the lasting consequences of my actions. They're a projection, a facsimile.

So that might bring you to another question, 'Even if they're not real, why would you WANT to do that to them, anyway?'

That I can't answer. The human brain is weird. Sometimes, people have dark urges. If a kid tosses their Barbie onto the ground and seems to take pleasure in it falling, can that accurately say they want to push a real person onto the ground? If someone seems to enjoy a violent video game like GTA where they can run people over and shoot them to their heart's content, is that a surefire way to know that they want to do those things to real people? I wouldn't say it is. Would you?

The final thing to remember is that it's not completely black and white. A serial killer might have been 'inspired' by a violent horror story, whereas the actual author of that story is a nice, well-adjusted individual. People with the desire to hurt actual humans might make do with projections, but it does not change the fact that they actually want to HARM people. The fiction didn't make them want to do that. They already did, and probably would have even if they didn't discover said fiction. And horrible people CAN make their own 'projections'.

Generally though I believe it is obvious when someone is just playing with dolls, and when someone is exhibiting an actual desire to hurt somebody.

#proship safe #proshippers please interact #proship #profic #just thinking

[tulipsinthedas]

Just finished binging the Fallout tv show and 🤯 I've got so many thoughts running through this little brain of mine. So here's a very long rant no one asked for. Maybe I'll make a more digestible version later. Obviously SPOILERS AHEAD!!! Be warned!

First off - the lore. So many interesting things were added into the lore by this show that I find so fascinating, as well as theories I've had that were touched upon. All of which makes this very exciting but also leaves me DESPERATE for season two. The main thing that has really stuck with me is the confirmation that Vault-Tec were the ones to drop the bombs like hello??? I've always had an inkling ever since I started delving into fallout lore a good year or two ago that they were behind everything, but finally having it confirmed is so fun. Of course, some people out there are going to be irritated (L take) but this imo will make replays so much more interesting. Same with the addition of ghouls needing medication to keep from becoming feral. Although this begs some questions; what is the medicine? Is it just radaway, or something else entirely? Maybe it's connected to whatever Hancock used to ghoulify himself? Or maybe it's connected to Doctor Barrows' research into ghouls fom Fallout 3? Idk! But I hope it's answered in season 2.

Cooper being the inspiration behind the iconic vault boy mascot absolutely gagged me. It was kinda hinted at even in the beginning at the kids birthday party but I was still surprised. Pleasantly, of course. Other smaller things, like the BOS branding and helmets opening up, among other things, were also fun touches that develop the lore in ways that the games probably never would have. It's small things like this that despite livening up the wasteland, would be unnecessary uses of resources from a game-development standpoint. So I think if season 2 ends up being a banger like season 1, we could see a lot more tiny additions to the lore like this!

Secondly - the characters. I don't even know where to start. They were written so well which is such a critical part of a good series. Lucy, despite everything she goes through, stays true to her morals and by doing so, probably unknowingly, is changing those around her. Despite being stubborn, she's willing to listen and understand other viewpoints and adapt herself. It's so refreshing to see a main female lead who isn't written as either weak and naive or strong and boneheaded; she'd a perfect mix of both. I also appreciate them not making her a total push over, even in the beginning before she is given any reason to change. She grows, but never fails to stay true to herself. Plus the whole sex positive thing is an amazing touch to add as well, especially for a woman.

And while on this topic, Maximus is such a cutie pie. Writing characters that are selflessly aligned can definitely be a hit or miss, and without properly being fleshed out, can be one-dimensional, but I never felt that way with him. Despite trying to help others and be a good person, he still has flaws and does feels selfish things. They took the trope of the knight in shining armor, literally, and gave him actual human characteristics that made him feel real. Underneath his heroic demeanor, he's just a little guy who likes slippers and vault popcorn. Who just wants to be somewhere safe away from war and danger, to be where he can just relax and not have to worry. And his romance arc with Lucy is just way too cute. From the moment they met in Filly I knew something was going to happen and I was so excited when they finally kissed lmao. The sweet, innocent love at first sight thing they have going on is the perfect dichotomy to all the bloodshed and heavy themes going on in the rest of the show.

And finally, Cooper is reviving the inner ghoul lover in me and I cannot complain at all. As a certified Hancock lover, I feel seen ✋ also Walton Goggins is just incredibly fine. But that's besides the point. His character is arguably the best written because despite being an undeniably evil person, he is still likeable. 200 years have turned him into a man who had to lose his humanity to survive, and the pre-war flashbacks being shown through his eyes give him, and the story, so much depth. Despite his ways, you can't help but still feel for him, to still root for him and hope that he still has a little bit of that humanity left within him. Which imo was shown multiple times; for example him not killing Maximus in episode two even though he easily could have done so. And the fact that he's still searching for his family all these years later? When he was asked what has been keeping him going so long, I think they are his reason. Whether he is searching to reunite or to exact revenge on Barb for dropping the bombs while him and Janey were outside idk. But it makes his story all the more heartbreaking. I also love the writing for Norm, Moldaver, Dane, and so many others, but this is already too long ass it is.

Overall, this series was so good and I'll be impatiently awaiting season 2! Some things I'm hoping to see next seasons are super mutants for sure, as well as synths and more of the enclave. I think they went easy this season to test the waters and see just how interested people are. And now that they know people are very interested, I think they'll be more willing to invest a larger budget, and add more. Rant over!

#fallout #fallout show #fallout series #fallout prime #fallout tv series #cooper howard #lucy maclean #maximus fallout #fallout series spoilers #fallout spoilers #fallout amazon #fallout ghoul

[sepia-stained-sunset]

All of Young Justice has a running joke where they address each other with the softest, mushiest terms of endearment (and totally mean them as well) and it stuns the fuck out of the Batfam that Tim, the guy who wouldn't talk to anyone for a day after calling Bruce 'dad' out loud, is so willing to proclaim Anita his soulmate and call Bart the love of his life whenever he introduces him to anyone

#i just think it would be something they'd do #plus as a bonus they'd mess with everyone else's minds because wait are they all dating? are they all really close friends?? #the real answer being they don't know either #anyways. cute nicknames in sappy tone of voice by YJ send tweet #young justice #young justice headcanon #young justice tim drake #tim drake #anita fite #bart allen #cassie sandsmark #kon el kent #cissie king jones

[vermillioncrown]

On BIL: Is Kagami just gonna go on continuing to normie the shit out of these Ball Sport Mad Idiots? Because I think he would. He would totally normie them all the way to his victory. He would normie so hard that this weirdo troupe Generation of Chuunibyous would completely go batshit crazy trying to "figure out" what his "special ability" is. Which by the way is actually just Kagami's (absolutely incomprehensible) ability of his to actually be Human OMG 🤯

to not normie is to go counter to the central premise of bil, thus he must. it's pretty logical and i'm not fond of pulling the rug from under people in a story

him pushing back against having a "special ability" like how they emphasize in canon is half kagami being kagami against all ball sport nonsense, and half his personality trait to never own up to anything ever -> and that comprises of another two parts (1. never let them know your next move 2. it's unhealthy to base your self-worth on One Thing You're Good At...for now)

#inquiry #Anonymous #on bil #his real power is being able to stay in his own lane #pry him from his lane with a crow bar if you must #^^but on never owning up: irl i just don't talk much about what i'm up to #like sure i post about it on my tumblr but think about the frequency in which i post positively about a thing i'm doing #then divide that by 10 for the irl frequency in which i say anything i'm up to #and it's not on purpose? i either go do a thing and if the right question is asked i answer #or i forget the instant someone asks and i'm not doing a thing #''what are you good at?'' ''good at being mid at a lot of things ig'' #there's also the deep-seated belief via observation that the instant you brag about being good at something #that's when you get dethroned. schadenfreude when you witness it; mortifying when you realize it yourself #anyways kagami's gonna keep kagami-ing; he's chill but he's still serious #he just doesn't put up pretense but most of the time people take that to be mean #and that's intense in its own way? #oh god. realizing now he's basically like nut boy 2.0 in seirin #everyone goes ''why are you like this??'' to kagami the same way irl people say that to nut boy #but i don't and he says it's bc i'm good at taking jokes #the real answer is i'm him but 1) better at hiding it 2) better at adulting 3) know how to do OOP. and i have a scarier rbf

[coulsonlives]

I just had to share this video because holy shit, it hits the nail right on the head! So well spoken. This stuff needs to be circulated more, esp with the growing number of people thinking they have this because of misinformation, or just outright faking it.

#it's painful because i knew someone who personally faked this stuff (or has convinced herself she has it i can't even tell) #she had spent all her time on tiktok and i know for 100% sure that's where she got the idea. it's TRAGIC how fast things went downhill #i'm legit horrified at how many people (esp young kids of 13-14) think they have this too. or are just pretending #i've been neck deep in hardcore research (and i'm talking pubmed sciencedirect etc only) for months #and those kids definitely don't have did.. if they have trauma and are dissociating it's going to be something else like dpdr etc #the number of stupid 'you have did' answers i see for totally basic questions like 'i got dizzy what's wrong w me' is insane too #it's like googling 'muscle twitch' and then thinking you have some rare 1/billion familial cancer thing despite other obvious explanations #but worse.. in these cases the information is being fed to them. they don't have an opportunity to explore other possibilities #and the worst part is they don't even know to CHECK THE VALIDITY OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE SAYING. they don't have info literacy #like i'll say this once: did is so rare that it's STILL contentious about whether it even exists #and it only happens in the most unimaginably traumatic experiences. think of the worst possible things you could do to a child #where even just thinking about it makes you uncomfortable. THAT'S the kind of trauma that leads to did. the truly evil stuff. #i'm not even gonna start on the BITE model shenanigans that are happening in the 'did' communities either #or how the people who used to be in them (and got out) always equate them to self-harming cults that celebrated not finding real answers #they got told they were 'perfect the way they were' despite having OBVIOUS psychological issues they needed help for #(it just wasn't did) #they were assured their 'did was valid no matter what'. toxic positivity ig? it just delayed their real diagnosis and ability to get help #but now you have gluts of people like in the video 'talking to themselves' and people on tumblr posting one-liners of 'alters' talking #one after the other within seconds. and i want to fcking cry because it's the same exact shit my friend did before she cut ties #the did/tourettes/ftlb stuff has literally been called a 'mass sociogenic illness' in multiple academic studies #but like qanon believers they seem to immediately discredit anyone who mentions this with 'you're just ableist' so anything you say is poo #aka you're part of the problem you're an 'ableist' so your legit info even though legit isn't valid/acceptable/real/whatever. i'm tired fam #did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #ddnos #munchausen syndrome #mass psychogenic illness #ableism

[ominouspositivity-or-else]

so much of a 21st century woman that i legitimately had to have a guy in my YA lit class explain to me how men's emotions work because i've only ever heard about it from idiotic women speaking for men or super macho guys who think any form of emotion is utter weakness for my entire life

#idk yall men are interesting #something about how they're way less nuanced than women #like girls expect the same level of emotional complexity with guys as is evident in us #which means like 45 different feelings all at the same time and playing into the stability of our psyches #meanwhile the guy might legit just be tired #such an interesting conversation and now i think i have to find music that accurately portrays what he told me about how men actually #like #feel emotions #this is so random i hate being a modern woman #like i love my right to vote and my ability to get high paying jobs and a stem degree if i had desired but like #women don't know how men work and it's a problem because we think they're like us and they're not and it's unfair for us to speak for them #but like we don't know what's real anymore either #blargh #thanks random guy in my upper level english class for your candor you answered a lot of my questions #there are many benefits to attending a catholic college

[muu-kun]

#; ♡ ; okay to reblog #muu has admittedly been describing is self perceived melancholy and isolation regarding it #as being comparable to the circle drawn around Sadness in Inside Out due to others finding his emotions to be Too Much in capacity #and that as such he has thus been persistently trying to make himself very very small in spaces #so that maybe perhaps someone would soon be able to reside in the circle with him just until he gets to where he feels he is supposed to be #muu has also stated on numerous actions that while he is adamant about self healing he is not necessarily of preference #to not have the assistance of peers and their feedback and he tends he show it most predominantly in asking them to hear Everything #about himself in the form of the big box because one he wants assurances at the end of it all but also because he Has to be explaining #his processes of thought and general state of where he is now to people so that they may go Oh so that why you do the neurotic shit you do #but it really be hard out here when you don't know how to self advocate for a persistently emotionally present romantic partner #you don't really have any friends and you are either God awful at making new ones or you don't want to try for reasons of either #feeling scorned past close friends of yours have left time and time again OR #because you don't know what version of yourself is the Real one or the Good one or the Authentic one so you avoid socializing #until you can properly answer that dilemma but in turn you've left yourself with 1 person to seek out and talk to #but with that comes the existential dread of either a this person is also going to leave me or #b I am in fact so totally codependent on them that it isn't fair to be my sole research for assistance that I ought to fend for myself #but what do you even do to fend for yourself when you don't even know how to Advocate for yourself?? #you devise a plan to shrink down and provide no indication to those around you that you are struggling with anything #that perhaps shriveling yourself down like that will allow for people to find you tolerable enough to be around #and that their presences will patch up every interpersonal wound in your system until eventually what you are faking has come true #; ♡ ; inner thoughts

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious #thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt #and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd #it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense #but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like #where as me and her obsess much more over morality #like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information #we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people #or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate #like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*) #they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers #theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person. #but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out #but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either #like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are #and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare #sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep. #sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done #sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me? #i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real #i guess what it kinda comes to do is #would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions #all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm #you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of #OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them. #trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world #your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen #theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed #your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for #instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed

[bixiaoshi]

i have a feeling that one of my... friends? doesn't like me anymore and it fucking sucks

#idk if i can even call her friend anymore lol #but idk i've felt like our relationshio hasn't been the same for a long time now n i know i should ask but the answer terrifies me lmao #but also. if i she did consider me her friend and i did smth to bother her unknowingly then it's her job to tell me. not me to find out #i've noticed that lots of my relationships is full of ppl who simply don't tell me stuff. don't tell me when i fuck up and it sucks!!!! #bcs sure sometimes i realize i did smth but most of the time i don't so then i'm left wondering if i'm overthinking it or if this person #stopped considering me their friend long ago!!!!!!!! #idk man i'm tired of always feeling a shift in my relationships and wondering if i did smth wrong and what it was. bcs i start to overthink #every single thing. and it also sucks bcs i feel like smth changed in out relationship but it's either true or i'm doubting my relationship #with the person bcs i'm never 100% sure abt how ppl feel abt me and it sucks!!!!!!! is it real or is my head just making things up #but im always terrified to ask so im just gonna torture myself until it is undeniable that out relationship cannot be saved and i couldn't #do anything bcs i was never told a single thing #it sucks that lots of my friendships have ended with me wondering if smth happened to it and the answer always being yes #idk im just tired of that. it gets so tiring to having to guess if i did smth or not. of guessing what position i have in their lives #anyways peace and love rtc etc #jo.txt

[jlf23tumble]

i don’t get it. iirc you don’t believe holivia was real, do you? so why are you happy about this tattoo? and if you still don’t think it was a real relationship, then what’s the point of it anyways?

What's not to get? Some of us love chaos and mess and find this entire thing hilarious precisely because it is! I'm happy about this tattoo because a lot of loudmouths who hate women now get to watch someone that they've woven so much hate for one lady in particular around go about his biz with a tattoo he's had for a while now on his inner thigh with her name on it. Sexi! Eat it! Dust off the cunty tags and cry about it!

#holivia was real in the very sense that it was portrayed as such #i don't know all the goings on but they 'dated' publicly for 2 plus years #i don't know how to tell you what the point of it is--do you mean the point of them having a public relationship? #or the point of people being all bent up about it when it's not their own relationship? #either way you've answered your own question

[ikemenomegas]

hey io! what does myy stand for? love your work!

hello dear!

myy stands for "my younger years" and loosely refers to the fic chain and sequence of events surrounding the oc I made up to pair with gojo and/or getou.

I started calling it that because I compiled the central, largely canon compliant with regard to events, fics together on ao3 under the same name: my younger years so that they could be read as a body, since I started getting a little self-referential with the pieces, and started fleshing out the oc backstory more. The title refers to the song 'wasting my young years' by london grammar

#also i don't know if you're the one who requested levi headcanons but I have the ask in my inbox! I just haven't been able to touch it yet #i'm not the fastest writer when it comes to asks ahaa but I want to do that one and will get to it eventually #but the way i've ended up doing this blog is to come up with a basic outline for each oc so they have somewhat cohesive feel #the “canon compliant” version of the gojo/getouxoc world is what comprises the myy au #and then I tend to sort of separate out fics that either don't fit that vibe or change part of canon #before you ask - both the gojo and the getou route count as part of the myy au but since real-getou is dead in the current manga timeline #i tend to separate out his fics because the myy au doesn't change any of the canon events #it's like a “what if” of the oc just existing and being involved #other au's (like what if myy.oc revealed their marriage to gojo to their friends which doesn't happen in my mind in the “canon” line) #sometimes get tagged as part of the io.myy tag because it's the same oc (same personality and backstory) #so... sorry it's not a great organization system ^^' but it's what i came up with #so that i could keep all of this approximately together #ask answered #io.myy

[smarterthantheaverageloser]

God I got jumpscared by unexpected social contact courtesy of my neighbor during my Mandatory No Talking Hours (after 10pm) AND ALSO during my Mandatory No People Hours (the long, usually several-hour walk that I take every night) and the sentence I jumbled out when he asked me what I was doing (shuffling ominously around the block because despite the fact that I worked 63 hours this week I cannot go to bed without a walk or I will not sleep) genuinely made me sound like such a lunatic that I do not know if I will be able to interact normally with him again

#either he moves or I move we are at an impasse #fucking. what part of me having my headphones in do you not understand JARED #that's not his real name but he gives major jared vibes #he's a really nice guy but god he is so on all the time #he always wants to have a conversation #I guess 2am outside of our apartment building is no exception? come ON jared I DO NOT SPEAK RIGHT NOW #he asked me if I was okay and my GENUINE ANSWER was 'hahaha no I mean yeah I mean like. I am so tired but I don't sleep if I don't #walk haha you know what I mean haha' WHY DID I LAUGH SO MANY TIMES #he asked me where I went and I RESPONDED WITH A JOKE ABOUT BEING SPIDERMAN??? #THIS IS WHY I DONT TALK AFTER 10PM JAREDDDD #johnsense #fucking christ sweet NAKED JESUS I need to lobotomize myself #anyway we still love jared because he's a great community resource but we do not want to speak to him past 10pm #a fact he unfortunately is unaware of because he's the most neurotypical man alive

[damnprecious]

love having a weird relationship with gender (read: what is gender) and people wishing "happy international women's day" in a group chat when they perceive you (and a couple of others in the group) as women and then sitting there going "so do I just respond something like a thanks bc I guess technically yes but also no or do I just ignore this and risk appearing rude or what do I do"

#noopa rambles #what is gender #for me it's somewhat of a 'if you remove attraction what even is left' #I feel so disconnected of this being of a 'woman' #I do not wish to be perceived as a 'woman' #I'm a secret third thing #what is that secret third thing I do not know #god life is so weird when you have old friends you don't interact with like that much anymore #like friends you sometimes still catch up with but who don't really know you anymore #idk if I know them anymore that well either but I feel like I'm defo hiding shit #then again is it hiding shit if I choose not to share bc I don't feel like sharing with them #tbh I think there's one person in the group who I'd probably fully trust to share #or I think I trust her djdjdkd and another one I also kinda trust #but I'm also lowkey (highkey) afraid of being wrong about being able to trust the second pal #and if that blew up in my face idk how I'd be able to take it bc that person was my first real friend #and bc of that a potential backlash would hurt like hell even tho we aren't that close these days #idk my mans I'm having a lot of Thoughts(tm) and no answers #I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope and idk what to do about it with these particular people #like. the aroace thing never really felt like a closet bc that I had expressed not through labels but different words #this gender thing feels more like a Thing(tm) #except idk exactly what the Thing(tm) is #is it being agender or am I just overthinking this #who the heck knows certainly not me

[beautifulscreaminglady]

to love someone is give someone the power to destroy your life and yet persist in the belief that they will not

#love at second sight #I think if you find yourself asking if you're in an abusive relationship you already know the answer #but like define abusive. define relationship #are we all just parroting what we witnessed our parents do? #are we doomed by our dna? #if he planned to hurt me. he did a very good job. #I'm wandering lonely as a cloud right now #either I come off as too fragile for the real world. or I'm made of diamonds. can't be both asshole #I hope you get impaled on the white picket fence #and no one ever gains the curse of being your child #because love is more than a word. and you don't know what it means

[keets-writing-corner]

Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

#hazbin spoilers #hazbin hotel #lucifer #lucifer morningstar #analysis #dissociation #look idk what to tell you all #I watched the episode and everything makes so much more sense #when you realize he's only intaking like 50-60% of the conversations #he's not bad at listening his brain is literally preventing him from getting everything #literally I've been there #the difference between him and me tho #is that he can't show it #he's the king of hell #he has to bluff his way through conversations #but yeah literally rewatch the episode with this in mind #and watch him reply to the things he DID catch #anyways #NEW BLORBO???? #who'd've thought I would go into Hazbin Hotel #and come out with freaking LUCIFER as my favorite character #I love him #he's so sad