He Used to be Mine
Some feelings are hard to forget. When you’re reunited with Shawn for the first time since breaking up, it’s even harder to forget that, at one time, you loved him. - This entire fic was inspired by the song ‘She Used to be Mine’ by Sara Bareilles from the musical ‘Waitress.’
This one got away from me and I’m not sure if it makes any sense, but... Here it is.
Shawn Michaels X Male Reader
WARNINGS - Angst. Talk/Reference to past addictions. Mention of past drug use.
~ ~ ~
August 2002
Breathe. Just breathe. In and out…
Nothing seemed to calm the anxious buzz under your skin as you were led further into the building. Nameless crew members huddled together in small groups and bold posters of unknown, younger wrestlers hung on the walls. This was surreal. Everything was different and, at the same time, nothing had changed. A mixture of stale sweat, cheap coffee and excitement hung in the air. It had been 5 years since you found yourself backstage at an event like this and, honestly, you hadn’t been planning to come back. Ever.
It would be an understatement to say that you were surprised when an invitation to be Shawn Michaels’ guest at Summerslam arrived. You were sure that it was a mistake or some cruel joke. You hadn't heard a single word from Shawn since breaking up and, now, he was supposedly trying to reach out. Anyone would share your hesitation, but the offer was legitimate. Shawn wished to see you. With every measured step, more and more memories came to the surface. Some pleasant and some devastating.
The last months of your relationship had been messy. Chaotic. Shawn was trying to out-run his problems in every conceivable way, clinging to the false promises of strangers that took advantage of the Heartbreak Kid’s desperation to be rid of his demons. Coupled with the pain that came from years of taking bumps in the ring, disaster was inevitable. You had tried to help Shawn; spending hours massaging the ache from every part of his body and dealing with the aftermath of a long night taking whatever his “friends” handed to him.
Your breaking point came when Shawn was, once again, carried into your hotel room by Hunter. It’d become a regular occurrence for you to be woken in the early hours to take care of your inebriated boyfriend. Shawn didn’t stir as you turned him onto his side or as you combed the hair away from his clammy forehead. Attempts to get Shawn sober had been made by you, Hunter, and a dozen other people, but they never worked. He would be steady throughout the withdrawal process before relapsing and falling back into old habits. By sunrise, you had made your decision.
Your heart thudded painfully against your ribs as you were stopped outside a dressing room and you read Shawn’s name written on the placard. This was it. There was no opportunity to turn back and you could no longer hide from the ghosts of your past. As soon as the door opened, your eyes landed on the too-familiar figure standing in front of the mirror with their back turned to you. Shawn. The click of the door closing behind you alerted Shawn to your presence and you caught his gaze in the large mirror.
“You’re here!”
You were caught off-guard by Shawn crossing the room to pull you into a tight hug, but you quickly sank into the embrace. Sandalwood, Strawberries and Sunshine. It was difficult to ignore the countless memories of waking up in the morning with your face tucked into the crook of Shawn’s neck, drunk on his sweet cologne. Neither of you are happy to break the hug, lingering awkwardly close and unashamed looking each other over.
It was obvious that Shawn was a changed man. Mature and, somewhat, reserved compared to his younger self. The mischievous glint in his eye had softened, but it was still there. It was a relief to see the differences. You had often worried that Shawn would continue on his path of destruction and the consequences would be immeasurable. Some mornings, you were convinced that news would reach you about Shawn’s demons having finally caught up with him.
The pair of you exchange small-talk, mundane topics to further avoid bringing up your past life together. You’ve imagined this moment, over and over and over again, leaving your mind spinning in circles. Sometimes, you saw yourself screaming at Shawn until your throat was raw and your voice threatened to give out. Other times, you dropped to your knees to beg for Shawn’s forgiveness.
"I loved you.”
The words tumble clumsily out of your mouth before you can catch them. There was no way to take them back and pretend that you never said them. You try to swallow around the hard lump in the back of your throat, but it was impossible. Years of repressed emotions clawed at your chest in hopes of being set free.
“I-I really loved you, Shawn… And I’m sorry that I left and that I couldn’t help and that…”
“Sweetheart.”
Shawn cuts off your nonsensical babbling as he takes a step closer. Rough hands cradle your face and the tears creeping down your cheeks are carefully thumbed away. The obvious affection behind the touch is bittersweet. A part of you wants to cling to Shawn, to sob into his shoulders and bury yourself in the safe feeling of his arms. But this isn’t why you accepted the invitation. When Shawn rests his forehead against yours, the world outside the dressing room disappears and you’re the only beings that remain.
“I’m sorry I got so lost that I couldn’t see how I was hurting you. You deserved so much better.”
A fresh wave of tears burns your eyes at the sincerity in Shawn’s voice. His words weren’t slurred into a toilet bowl and there wasn’t the stench of alcohol lingering on his breath. After you left, you’d resigned yourself to the fact that you would never receive a heartfelt apology from Shawn. And you had made peace with that. Or, so you thought. Your own hands move to rest on Shawn's waist, caught between wanting to push him away and pull him closer.
A knock at the door makes the decision for you.
Your arms drop to your sides and you’re about to step away when a gentle kiss is pressed to your mouth. Oh. For a brief moment, everything is still. It takes an awkwardly long time for you to return the kiss and lean into Shawn’s chest. The slight scratch of Shawn’s stubble against your cheek ignited something in the pit of your stomach, a need that has been dormant for too long. A deep sound is muffled between your lips, but you’re not sure who it comes from. You lose yourself; ears becoming deaf to the constant sounds outside the dressing room and focusing only on the teasing sweep of Shawn’s tongue in your mouth.
"Wait for me? Please."
"Okay..."
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"In Gattaca, Vincent's adoption of a new biogenetic identity occurs not only through the context of his rejection of his biological family but also, in the end, through the filial power struggle that he wins: in all the loyalty tests, 'fictive kinship' wins out over genealogy. But perhaps improvised kinship is a better term for Vincent and Jerome's relationship...Vincent and Jerome's improvisation produces a commitment typically reserved only for kin or for lovers: they share bodily substances; they willingly risk their lives for each other."
-Masculinity, Masquerade, and Genetic Impersonation: Gattaca’s Queer Visions by Jackie Stacey
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