#this is the culmination of months and months of brainrot

[the-clockwork-three]

Happy Birthday Aífe!!!!

Giselle AU, or There's a pretty ghost in the forest and Bláithín cannot keep her out of her mind. What's the worst that can happen when you dance with death?

Content warnings: character death, suicide, implied cheating, body horror

#is mise an crann #egg skreev #na daoine maithe #aife ndm #this is the culmination of months and months of brainrot #giselle so fun <3 #heed the warnings though. giselle is dark <3

[megistusdiary]

in a sub!kaeya brainrot rn ... like just imagine you let him think he has the upper hand then BOOM no sir !!

this is literally from months ago, i am so sorry for not answering so many asks, you guys. i got so busy and wrapped up in stuff-

also is this my first male sub writing piece dot dot dot

warnings: sub!kaeya and mean-dom!fem anatomy/ gn pronouns reader

kaeya flirts a lot (but it's for show), you dick him down (with a strap), degradation, fingering/masturbation (sub!receiving), teasing, edging, yall sneak off during a party to his office. kinda brat taming?, doggy style

your eyebrows furrowed as you watched kaeya from across the room. he held a glass of wine, surprisingly untouched, in his right hand. you had to wonder if it was merely there for decoration.

he chatted with the party goers, mostly the knights working under him. kaeya gave warm smiles, lingering touches on peoples' shoulders, little chuckles in their ears that made you seethe.

all the while he was always looking directly at you.

you had agreed to accompany kaeya to his work party, nervous that you wouldn't make a good impression on his coworkers. you were particularly worried to make a fool of yourself in front of the acting grand master.

but, as it turns out, his eagerness to attend had nothing to do with work at all. oh no, this was an opportunity for kaeya to rile you up. he took great joy in teasing you from across the room where you could do nothing but watch.

kaeya had the most wicked plan brewing in his mind. a plan to watch your anger culminate into you dragging him to his office where he would then flip the script on you and take you right on that wooden desk he loved so much.

he knew the plan was set in motion as you stood abruptly, excusing yourself from the table and stalking towards him.

"oh, is something the matter?" kaeya asked, keeping a neutral expression as you frowned deeply.

"i'm feeling a little tired, kaeya." you forced out, trying to sound as gentle as you could to the guests around you. "could you take me somewhere to rest?"

one of kaeya's coworkers stepped in to assist, but kaeya held up a hand, shaking his head. "no need, i'll handle my partner myself, hm?" he held out his arm, allowing you to grip his bicep as he lead you away from the party room.

he decided that his office was the perfect place to complete his plan and seal the deal. well, it would have if you didn't already have a plan of your own.

the second he closed the door you were on him, pinning him to the wood and gripping his jacket.

"what the hell was that? you think cheating is cute?" you snapped, watching kaeya's facade falter.

"cheating? how could you accuse me of such a thing. you know the only one for me is you, sweetheart." kaeya mused.

you rolled your eyes, pushing him into the wood a bit harder. "real cute. you can cut that act out now. if you thought i would let you get away with all that, making me mad, and letting you fuck me? ha. not a chance, pretty boy." you dropped the jacket in favor of gripping his chin.

"you listen to me, and you listen well. if you want your coworkers to think of you as some common whore eager to touch everyone in this building, then i'll make it easier for you." his eyes closed as you whispered into his ear, voice going soft as he groaned.

you could feel his bulge growing against your stomach as you laughed. "seriously? you're getting hard from this? that's pretty pathetic." you sneered.

kaeya whimpered, feeling embarrassed and hot all over as he tried not to succumb. "wait- this...you-"

"oh, you thought i'd just let you dom me? after that? yeah right." you rolled your eyes. "i want you to go get the blue box for me, kaeya." you told him, feeling him tense in anticipation.

kaeya moved as soon as you released him, practically running to uncover the hidden box deep in his cabinet. it was icy blue, yet unassuming as he opened the top.

kaeya gulped as you reached in, pulling out one of the larger straps. "this will do, what do you think?"

"i don't know if i can take it now. someone will be looking for us shortly. we barely- i barely have time to prepare and-"

you cut him off by gripping his jaw, pulling him down. "then you better prepare yourself good. get your favorite lube out and get to it, pretty boy."

he couldn't move fast enough, shedding just the essentials and slicking his fingers up with lube to circle his rim. you watched carefully, piercing eyes observing each and every detail.

the lines of concentration on his forehead, the subtle scrunch of his nose as he fucks himself on his fingers, the way he gnaws at his lip when he's close-

"stop." you order, hearing him whine, confused.

"i was so close, how could you be so cruel?" he huffed as you grinned.

"bad boys don't get to come. you know that rule. don't make me say it again." you warned. "now go on and present yourself for me. you wanna be fucked so bad, then you'll get fucked."

he watched you slick up the dildo, strapping it onto yourself as he pulled himself to his hands and knees, feeling exposed and embarrassed.

"if only you were this decent to me at parties." you rolled your eyes, admiring the soft twitch of his dick every so often.

"i only did that so you'd come pay more attention to-"

"i don't remember giving you permission to speak right now." you scoffed. "now, be good for me." you pushed the tip of the dildo experimentally against his rim watching his hole try to suck in the glass. kaeya trembled as you slowly pushed into him, shaking like a leaf.

you allowed him minimal time to recover before shoving your hips into his at a rapid pace, holding his waist tightly as he cried out from the sheer size of the strap. "oh- oh archons, i-" kaeya babbled, head falling into the mattress.

"if i was any less smart, i'd say you planned this all out in your head. but, i think you tried to plan. but this wasn't what you expected was it?" you smirked, feeling him try to look back at you. "well, get ready for a long ride. guess they'll have to come looking for us if they really want to know where we went. you better hope you locked that door because i'm sure as hell not stopping."

#genshin impact #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader smut #genshin kaeya smut #kaeya smut #kaeya x you #kaeya x reader #genshin kaeya #genshin impact kaeya #kaeya alberich #💌─𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘭! ༊*·˚ #✎─𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 ❛ ༉‧₊˚ #sub kaeya

[blueparadis]

hi! do you have any tips for writing long fics?

helo helo :> i just layed out the framework the way i prefer to do. I'm still working on it, writing long fics.

Ask yourself how long its gonna be? 5k? 10k ? 20k?; set a word count of the fic ( just an approximation)

divide them in parts — i generally do it like this, not a special thing to follow but just a framework.

[a] Exposition: A direct way of telling the reader/audience what's happening in the story before it starts. It sets the tone of the whole story including establishing the characters and where the story is going to take place.the introduction of the plot.

[b] Inciting Incident or Rising Action: Because of what is established in the exposition, the characters in the story are led to do something. This part gets more suspenseful as the story progresses making the audience wonder what's going to happen next. That's why it's a "rising" action. Be specific as you can be since you won't be able to add plot details in next part

[c]Climax: This is usually the most important part of the story. It's the culmination of everything that's happened in the story so far and the point where a choice or an action is made the affects every part of the story. It is the most descriptive part but please be mindful not to slip in too much info, just how the characters are feeling, reacting, thinking to do.

[d]Falling action: This is the part of the story which shows the consequences of climax and the "fallout."You can info dump here again apart from adding Redemption, regret, reconciliation ( if any ).

[e] Denouement or Resolution: This is the conclusion of the story that wraps everything up and fills in any details that hadn't been revealed before so that the story is fully understood. And it gives you an indication of what's to happen once the story ends too or you can give a open ending if you'd like to continue in future.

Set a word count for each of the parts. don't worry if it doesn't match the overall approximating word count you had in the first place for this fic. None of them will be same at the end.

Start writing a synopsis for each part, jot down points you want to touch, even if it's just broken sentences. No one's gonna check that, the result MATTERS. So, write anything in anyway which you won't forget. Sometimes I have oneliner musing to remember the dynamic,the emotional elements that I want to write.

NOW, there must be a scene, a part that you're dying to write, that made you write this long fic in the first place. If you feel restless to write that, please do. It'll get easier to finish and you'll get a huge boost to write the rest of the part. It can be the climax, anti-climax or even the conclusion.

try to finish a part a day, at least a part of part. Be patient with writing otherwise it'll get tiring when you'll be proofreading

listen to music. Yes music, not songs. Only music. Lofi works the best but feel free to pick your niche. It'll help you focus if you're very excited to write the fic.

After completing all you have to do is to beta read. This is harder than you think. It is the same fic that you've been writing for days , maybe months and you might grow monotonous of reading it again. So, beta read can be done in two ways.

one— you can take a day's gap (or whatever you deem fit ) and read, make the necessary corrections in one sitting.

two— do it by parts. starting with your favourite scene or going from the last part to the first part.

Or you can ask someone to beta read. I don't because I can't let someone go through my 10k of brainrot because of one particular scene.

Thank you. i wish you all the best in writing your fic <333

#paradistalks #📬 — mails #writing tips #tips for writing #tips for writers #just tagging in case this helps anyone out #long writing #long fic

[skoulsons]

hey, it’s me. your friendly neighborhood brainrotting sucker for tlou’s winter, especially joel and ellie’s embrace that will move mountains and bring the moon down

Like, we’re getting it. For those who know the game, WE’RE GETTING THAT. that monumental moment. THEIR moment. and for those who don’t, buckle up because it is a moment to behold.

They’ve gone through so much. And now, the past few weeks, he’s been out cold and she’s been having to take care of him. Sleepless nights, hunting alone, the lurking fear that he may just…die in his sleep. How she had to exert herself so much getting him to safety and has had to feed him and stitch him up with unclean materials and take care of a whole grown man for weeks.

And then he finds her and they hug and it is…ethereal. He’s alive. She’s alive. They’re okay. They’re together. They’re safe. She can relax for the first time in weeks. She can let him hold her and follow his breathing and steady herself in his heartbeat. And he gets to hold on to his entire world. A months long relationship and the things they’ve gone through all built up to this. This hug culminates everything from shooting Bryan, to losing Henry and Sam, to ranch argument, everything. It gives and tells her everything she needs to hear from him. It’s an “I’m sorry.” “Thank you.” “You did so good.” “Are you okay?” “You’re safe now.” “I’m proud of you.” “I love you.” It’s every reassurance she’ll ever need. It’s all the love he has to offer her in one action. It’s relief and comfort knowing she’s safe in his embrace now. How he’ll say ‘baby girl’, that beautiful term of endearment and nickname for Sarah. How Ellie has become that now and how he’ll say it without hesitation. Because that’s what she is. Because she’s his daughter

#you’ll see on the news next week #local girl found dead in her home #cause? #joel and ellie hug. #no im serious #I will stop breathing #I will bleed from my brain #I will go completely mad. #the last of us hbo #tlou spoilers #joel miller #ellie williams

[liauditore]

Hello hello!!

Over a month later and through a lot of learning about video editing, I have cobbled together the bdubs video that I've been wanting to make since first stumbling upon traffic smp :'D enjoy the culmination of like a good 50kg dosage of my brainrot at once ty

#trafficblr #hermitblr #traffic smp #bdouble0 #bdubs #bdouble100 fanart #bdoubleo fanart #ethubs #last life #last life smp #limited life smp #Youtube #my art

[icarianiscariot]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love❤

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY. omg okay. HI NEHA THANK U <3

none of these are my most popular fics on ao3 by any means but they are the ones that i have reread myself SEVERAL times. these are the fics that i absolutely wrote for myself (all my fics are for me, but these ones... top of that tier)

1) hurricane drill - blue lock - T - 3k

listen it might be recency bias but. hurricane drill is absolutely one of my darlings, and i knew going into it that it wouldn't be super popular due to the major character death tag, but it's still so very dear to me. i'm really excited to get around to the rest of the series.

2) all the ghosts (that are never gonna catch me) - rwby - G - 1k

running on the grief train, all the ghosts is also one of my favs!! it's a rwby fic centered around taiyang dealing w grief/depression, i think originally out of spite because i was seeing so much hate on my dash abt how he didn't "take care of"/properly "raise" yang and ruby as kids?? or something???? just. like. Bad Dad Taiyang takes. and i just wanted to idk, put some empathy into the world i guess. i think this is also one of my only all-lowercase fics, for the sake of stylistically encapsulating that grief.

3) growing pains duology - star wars - G - 2k

...i swear i write more than depression fics but they're my FAVORITES i guess!!! the modern domestic au is one i still reread myself pretty regularly. i miss the star wars days!!

4) to analyze your eyes - danganronpa - G - 5k

to analyze your eyes was probably the first fic i ever wrote that hit 5k and that came to me easily and immediately. i wrote this fic in a FRENZY. i had such a blast with it!! and i had a great many plans for this fic universe that i just never ended up getting around to, but it rotted in my brain for months providing serotonin, so. i love it <3

5) where the tear stain dries to keep you safe tonight - blue lock - T - 2k

i fucking love the itoshi brothers and where the tear stain dries was a culmination of all my brainrotting over them and desire to give them a reconciliation. i loved getting to play in sae's head and this fic rlly set me up for all my future sae-centric fics i think. and i also always love getting to write familial/platonic dynamics and tension!!

(secret 6th recommendation: the impending kaisae fake dating fic. chapter 1 will be dropping this weekend. keep an eye out.)

thanks for the ask, neha :D this was fun!!

#five fic recs #neha #answered #theghostofashton #ryusae #obikin #taiqrow #kamuegi #itoshi brothers #kaisae #blue lock #rwby #danganronpa #mine

[love-songs-for-emma]

it's the fact that (pre-s3) the most genuine will was with hannibal was when hannibal was lying to him, and the most genuine hannibal was with will was when will was lying to him. it's the role reversal. it's hannibal's realization when he gets what he wants that he no longer wanted it. it's will's realization when he gets what he wants that he no longer wanted it. it's two stubborn creatures each certain that they were in control, certain that they were Above feeling, being changed by one another anyway. it's the inevitability of two sides of the same coin plummeting into a fountain on a wish, together

#i mean theres nuance here but im mostly thinking in regards to the first two seasons #if i add s3 into this convo/line of thinking i'd need to sit down & do a proper rewatch & think about how it fits in #bc mizumono feels like The most genuine moment #but then. is it? is it if hannibal Didnt Get It. they're letting themselves be seen but hannibal refuses to look. refuses to see that will #was going to go after him. will made his choice & he chose hannibal. but hannibal's heartbroken ass couldnt see straight. so this moment #to me is both genuine & disingenuine. it's honesty lost in translation #them s3a is about both of them trying to be honest with themselves in aftermath of mizumono & s3b goes back to will's mask #3 years later & will is all walls & defenses. it's s2 will on crack. but this time he's not pretending to love hannibal #he's pretending Not to. & hannibal even let's his jealously rule him. s3b has them genuine to themselves but still caught in lies with each #other #culminating in the wrath of the lamb. which is The Moment they See each other & let themselves be seen. their most genuine moment on screen #& in this life is during the battle with the dragon & their exchange afterwards. the hug. the caress. the ''this is all i ever wanted for #you will. for the both of us'' and will's response. his moment of truth #''it's beautiful'' #nbc hannibal #these two make me Insane #certifiably #i have been thinking about these 2 every day for 8 months now. this is Beyond brainrot. this is the longest hyperfixation ive had in aWhile #hannibal lecter #will graham #mizumono #twotl #hannibal s1 #hannibal s2 #hannibal #mads mikkelsen #hugh dancy #.txt #maria is literally just rambling. hi #hannibal.txt

[sprigofbasil-archive]

WRITEBLR (RE)INTRODUCTION ↳ @SPRIGOFBASIL

heyo !! i recently realized that it’s been 7 months since my last writeblr intro — i’ve gained a lot of new friends and followers since then ( as well as some new projects ) so i thought that it was about time for a new one !

about.

my name is nicole; seventeen, she/her, and absolute dumbass. i've been on this hellsite for about 2.5 years, and i’m a member of the wtw writeblr network ! 

i’m a huge fan of high fantasy and sci-fi and a complete simp for fairytale retellings, which basically sums up all of my wips ( and yes, this includes the 12+ on my backburner ). my favorite character dynamic is himbo/lesbian solidarity and basically all of my wips have at least one pretty dark-haired asshole. 

other than writing, my hobbies include art, music, and putting spaces before my exclamation marks bc otherwise the font on tumblr makes me think that they’re too close together 😔

wips.

the temporal heart ↳ ya (?) high fantasy, steampunk, adventure

half human and half something monumental, ezra von hauenstein searches for the artifact that will save him from his own magic. a girl with blood as gold as his own promises answers in the form of a long-lost fae city, and ambition soon brings him on an expedition into the treacherous rift to find it. however, a god’s death reveals its consequences as an underprepared crew is left to navigate a land surreal and treacherous, all the while trying to avoid becoming puppets in a spiteful game of vengeance.  

wip page | main tag | intro post 

where run the deathless wolves ↳ ya high fantasy, slavic fairytale retelling

( aka: the culmination of all my slavic fairytale brainrot in one wip )

vasilisa evgenievna is meant for greatness. as the third son, the foolish prince, ivan petrovich voronin is not. a shared quest for the mythical firebird brings vasilisa to a hut on chicken legs, her life in the balance of her tasks, while in an effort to outdo his older brothers, ivan finds he might have bitten off more than he can chew when his search brings him right into a ravenous wolf’s den.

wip page | main tag | intro post

kingdom of bitter thorns ↳ ya high fantasy, [redacted] retelling

super secret wip ! 

vaguepost masterlist | main tag

links.

carrd | wip directory | wattpad | writing tag | art tag

tagging some mutuals for clout: @serpentarii @vitrichor @anomaly00 @moariin @breadcrumbs @atelierwriting @bulletgirl 

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #writeblr introduction #wtwcommunity #sunsetdistrict&starfallisland #unsuperhumans #endysgarden #writeblr intro

[zhuhongs]

new sage zhuhongs lore that no one asked for just dropped.... the guardian brainrot origin story (abridged bc some things actually ARE too personal for me to share on tumblr but this is a watered down explanation why im insane abt guardian) under the cut. as always.. its fucking Long (like 4k) also cw for abuse ments in passing

It’s now the 4th month of 2021 and so far my year has been squarely categorized by my obsession with Guardian. This obsession is absolutely no coincidence, it came to me at the absolute perfect time. I feel like I’ve said it all before, but I feel the need to say it again, over and over until I can finally fully separate myself from this feeling -- until I’ve finally gotten it through my head.  Guardian was here to teach me about myself. Teach me who I was, what that former self really looked like, and then gave me something to embody. Something to strive for and make me really grow from my previous misguided attempts at caring about others in all the wrong ways. 

Perhaps now is finally time to part with it. I don’t think I’ll ever fully part with it per say. The fact that I feel compelled to write this is proof that Zhenhun has a very special place in my heart. But still, I want to get the bulk of my feelings towards it squared away. It’s time to make peace with it. I want to be able to enjoy other things and move on. Like an old uniform on graduation day, it’s my last time wearing it. From now on I’ll fold it nicely and put it in a box to stumble upon it in the future and smile at the memories made with it. Smile at the me who used to wear it and reminisce about what was and what now is. All of my writing is a time capsule to myself. For my own sake, I want to take responsibility for my feelings. If I don’t do that, I feel like my emotions will just be left to hang without getting it’s due process. I just want to ache and revel in these feelings until I’m satisfied with it. And at the moment I’m not satisfied. I feel like I haven’t properly said it. Even spanning the 32 pages I've written on the matter in my review and in my reflections, and all the projecting in my fics, I didn’t say it right. I didn’t get to the meat of what I felt for this show and what I feel for these characters on a purely emotional level. In all my previous writing I felt like in a way I was distancing myself from who I am and what specifically made me feel this way. In a way, the fact that I am writing this, documenting it in words, betrays the rawness of the emotion I felt. But alas, I must write it, because I don’t know how to be any other way

I still haven’t fully learned from my past relationships. I’ve changed but I haven’t grown much. I didn’t become a healthy adult, but I want to. I think I’m in the process of doing so. But in the recent past I took another path, I grew to resent my exes and blame them to varying degrees. And then I finally made peace with them all. Some of them I can’t contact anymore, and some I’m better off not contacting. Most importantly, I made peace with my most recent ex. I talked with him, apologized and let him apologize to me. This was how it was always meant to be. I couldn’t blame him anymore, how could i? I learned to understand him and resemble him. What we did was immature, we’ve both realized it now. Time to let the past be the past. Time to grow up.

This finally brings me finally into Guardian and more specifically, Zhu Hong. I love Zhu Hong so SO So SO very much. She’s the kind of character that resonates with me so personally that I don’t think I’ll forget about her for years to come. I have a few characters like that but Zhu Hong (as well as Shen Wei but we’ll get to him later) has made it into the core list of characters that If I was a serious kinnie, I’d kin them. Zhu Hong’s infatuation with Zhao Yunlan so heavily parallels my own feelings towards my ex in high school it's absolutely insane. She doesn't love Zhao Yunlan in a way he understands. Her love is misguided. She tried to be devoted and self sacrificing but that manifests as her being like “I'll cut ties with my clans for u” which is something Zhao Yunlan would never want. On a fundamental level, she misunderstands Zhao Yunlan as a person. He would never ask anyone to sacrifice themselves like that for him. It’s a meaningless sacrifice. It yields nothing but pain. But in her head, she is promising him everything she could possibly give. Why can’t he see how much she loves him? Why can’t he reciprocate? She doesn't get it. She has an image of him in her head and that's not him! This is exactly what I felt about my ex. I would do anything for him, I was in such a bad place and he was the only person that made me feel okay. Why couldn’t he understand how I loved him? Why did he tell me that he wanted to see me find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with? Why did he say that he wanted to be friends with me long enough to attend my wedding? What I wanted was him!! Why didn’t he get that.

But of course he got that. He knew that I wanted him, but he knew that I didn’t really love him. It was just an idea of him. He was trying to let me down gently the whole time, and it wasn’t registering in my head. I was the one who got attached and misinterpreted things. He was doing what Zhao Yunlan did, letting me down gently at every opportunity. When she said she’d betray her clan for his sake, that she wore high heels to be the pretty version of her that he liked, how she begged Zhao Yunlan in tears to love her, and said if he can’t love her, then at least leave her to a place where she can feel love -- it cut into my skin like a razor. I saw myself in Zhu Hong and just like her, I pushed harder and harder so my ex would finally see me as an option. Until it finally culminated in me figuring it out the hard way. I saw every risky text I sent and every desperate letter I wrote, and every calculated piece of clothing I wore and everything about the way I acted towards him. Looking back on it, it was all so sad. 

I thought I loved the idea of someone being able to love me and distract me from my family situation. I thought I loved the familiarity and the way he was considerate of me. I did care for him for himself too but I didn’t love him in a way that he could understand. I was too intense, too unwarranted, too desperate. When I think back on some of the things I told him, some of the texts I sent him, god. I feel so ashamed of myself. It was so intense, unsightly -- it was ugly. Not in the self loathing way either. Like really, if I showed you screenshots of the things I said you’d ask what the fuck was wrong with me. Those weren’t things you were supposed to just tell someone. It was inconsiderate and borderline manipulative. It wasn’t right. Given my circumstances, I understand why I acted like that, but it doesn’t excuse my actions. 

However, I loved that ugly, desperate girl that I was. I love her, I comb her hair and treat her well. I mother her. She was so fragile and deserved so much love. She got some of it, and she's on her way to receive more of it. However, I cannot be her forever.  I can’t put people on pedestals and promise them things they don’t want. I can’t love misguidedly. I need to understand people and understand myself. I’ve grown a bit. Right before watching Guardian I actually reached out to this ex after two years of not talking and we reached a mutual understanding of both of our faults at the time. It was really nice. It was healing. I’ve moved away from the person I used to be, slowly, I’ve become more whole, and happier with myself. 

So much of my current self has been in response to myself in highschool. Not just with my ex, that's just one isolated event. But that behavior was in relation to something broader. There are so many little things that happened that I look back on and just question why I had to be like that. In all aspects, I'm just so embarrassed by how I acted. I'm moving away from acting like that and wanting to do things for people that they genuinely didn't ask for. I don’t blame myself for how I was, I really don’t. Given the abuse I was living in, all my actions make sense. But now that I’m away from that household and away from my father, I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect on myself in every way possible (as i’m sure many of you have witnessed). I can’t always live by blaming others. My circumstances can explain why I do something but they don’t justify them. You need to separate yourself from the unpleasant parts of your upbringing and evaluate how to live a happy life. This is a big theme of the Guardian drama.  Yezun does what he does because he cannot address his past. He can’t see past his “betrayal” so he takes it out on others. Many of the other side characters also have this same issue. They can’t accept the unpleasant things in their lives and move past it, so they take it out on others. 

It's no coincidence that the current me that doesn't want to do that to people currently looks at Shen Wei and is like... Oh hello I want to be Just Like You. Zhu Hong was this way too. When she realized that she couldn’t compare to Shen Wei, she tried to figure out why that was. She attended one of his classes and confronted him, all trying to figure out what it was that he had that she didn’t. What he had was purpose and understanding. He’s not obsessed with Zhao Yunlan nor does he put him on a pedestal (in the drama, if I don’t specify what version of Shen Wei I mean, I usually mean drama Shen Wei). He knows that obsession will only lead to ruin. Zhu Hong needs ZYL’s attention, she craves it. She goes out of her way to do things she doesn’t want to do to get his attention. Shen Wei doesn’t do that. He purposefully doesn’t seek Zhao Yunlan out until they meet naturally. He has other things to do when he’s not with Zhao Yunlan. He is complete, he has people he cares about and a duty to protect. Shen Wei loves Zhao Yunlan but can live without him. He wants ZYL but he doesn’t need him. He is better with him but can do without. Zhao Yunlan thinks Zhu Hong is using him as a distraction, as something to project her love onto because she doesn’t have much else to love. Because if she really understood him, then she’d never do the things she did. She’d never say she’d cut ties with her clan or offer to face danger with him. He doesn’t want that. He wants to see her become a fully realized person. Not someone who is one sidedly devoted to him with no other cares. He wants to see Zhu Hong grow. Zhu Hong, Shen Wei, and Zhao Yunlan all spoke to very different yet very personal parts of myself. And these three characters all did the same with one another. It was a very… interesting thing to watch. It made me crazy. 

Before I do a deep dive onto why Shen Wei resonates with me I want to take a step back and talk about Zhao Yunlan himself and not just his relationship to others. The thing about Zhao Yunlan that just makes me crazy was his self sacrifice. I talk about it a bit with Zhu Hong but I’ve always just loved the idea of self sacrifice. Yes that’s bad, I know, I know. Let me continue. I think about the way he decided he was going to burn for the sake of humanity and that it wasn't a bad thing. I was an honor in a way. To burn himself and light up others. I’ve always wanted to be able to sacrifice myself and let my pain be meaningful. Because if I was going to be in pain anyways, why not make it count. Zhao Yunlan (and Shen Wei but this isnt about him yet) did just that. He sacrificed and neglected himself over and over again and at some point people became concerned. And I always had situations in my head where I did that and people finally saw the pain I was in despite my best attempts to hide it. But Guardian also taught me that sacrifice just for the sake of it is meaningless. You need to build yourself up first before anything you sacrifice can be meaningful. Like the storyline with Lin Yusen. He wanted to catch the criminal that killed his crush and constantly put himself in harm's way, but it was useless. He wasn’t skilled enough to catch them and ultimately he got in the SID’s way. And that’s what I have been doing all this time. Putting myself in harm's way for nothing. It was meaningless because I had no meaningful self to sacrifice. It was pain just for the sake of it. Just like what Zhu Hong was offering Zhao Yunlan. All of the aforementioned things were staring me directly in the eye while I watched Guardian. It was a sign. A sign that I needed to pack it up and stop looking at the idea of someone and change myself. I needed to stop myself from these unhealthy thought patterns and grow into something new. 

This now finally brings me to Shen Wei. I just resonate with Shen Wei -- all iterations of Shen Wei -- in so many different ways that’s unbelievable really. I never would’ve thought that a character could be so personally tailored to me at this moment, and yet here he was. What Shen Wei had that hit the combination of everything 20 year old Sage wanted was that he that he was a professor, as well as graceful and restrained yet still perfect at reading and comforting people, had tendency towards self sacrifice and self neglect, and also just had the Peak aesthetic for me. He was the absolute perfect character to project all of my issues onto and also look towards to rebuild myself as a better more adult version of myself. 

First I want to talk about Shen Wei as a teacher. I’ve said a lot about my relationship with teaching and academia but I’m gonna repeat it. I have a very long complicated relationship with academia and teaching.  Ultimately, I always loved school. I saw it as an escape from my family and a place where I could be myself, mostly unmonitored. Since I was abused and quiet but also talkative -- academia was the perfect outlet for me to voice myself growing up.  I was quiet with my peers, but in class I could go on and on about the material because it was acceptable and even encouraged for me to do so. So I indulged in it and made learning and being smart my personality trait. Because I felt that that was all I was good for. After all, I was an Immigrant Daughter™. I had to be smart to prove that my parents' sacrifices were worth it and to keep them happy. But that’s how I felt my entire life and thus made academics my thing even when I knew that I didn’t have to be the best. And teachers always liked me and praised me. To the point where I saw my teachers as more on my level than my peers. Due to the trauma I just could never relate to my peers and felt so alienated from everyone so I drew more and more into academics and yea. I always wanted to be a teacher because I saw how much I admired my teachers and how they made me feel seen. I saw them as like a stand in adult figure for my parents that were not always around and when they were around.. Well..yk. That’s not the healthiest things lmao… here we are. I wanted to be a good adult figure in the lives of kids like me.

As a teacher I tried my best to do that. To get on my students' levels and to let them have fun in my class and let it be a distraction and have them trust me and thus learn to trust others. That was the underlying goal in all of my work. I loved teaching for the way I got to see into my students lives. And a lot of it was really sad. I taught elementary students and hearing some of them tell me about how their parents were in jail much like my own father was hard.. It was really hard.  I hope I could’ve taught them something of use. Or at least have been a small place of comfort to them. They taught me so much about being human and about caring for others. I just. I have so many thoughts on teaching and Shen Wei echoed those sentiments very clearly to me. I really love his teaching philosophy and the way he treats his students. In the drama he said to Zhao Yunlan that there are no bad students, only incapable teachers who don’t try hard enough or something along those lines. And that really reflects my policy on teaching. One of my students said something to me once like “you must hate our class, because we;re all bad kids.” And I was frozen in place for a second like “Absolutely not!! There are no bad kids. Anyone who told you that is a liar. There are only adults that refuse to listen to kids and get on their level.” and I really truly mean that.  Watching him made me double down on my approach to teaching and I’m very excited for my session to start again in June.

So with that context, seeing the way Shen Wei cares (like truly cares!!) about his students was inspiring to me. Shen Wei is kind and warm to others because he sees himself in them. The most notable example is with Li Qian. The first time he sees her necklace and asks about it, she gets defensive and puts it away. And he backs off and stops asking because he, too, knows what it’s like to keep something like that and not want anyone else to see it. When Li Qian is in the hospital after her suicide attempt, he brings here food and sits with her and listens to her. The way she speaks about her grandmother hits him like a truck. Rewatching the first episodes, it is so interesting to watch Shen Wei’s expressions, they tell SO much. In this scene he looks particularly Affected. He knows exactly how Li Qian feels. They parallel each other really well. She cares about her grandmother as the only person to show her love and becomes upset when she does so much for her and brings her back to life at her own expense only for her grandmother to act like a different person. This is how Shen Wei feels about ZYL and Ye Zun in a way. Zhao Yunlan was the only person to see him and he goes to great lengths to pay back all of his debt to him, but given the timeline situation, Zhao Yunlan doesn’t understand that. When Li Qian describes the similar situation with her grandmother, he understands. He understands because he knows he’d do the same for Zhao Yunlan at this point and Zhao Yunlan would not get it. Because to him, the two have only met a few days ago but for Shen Wei they met years ago. And also the same is true for his feelings towards his brother. Because he knows how much he did for his brother and how he mourned him and really truly thought he was dead because they were both tricked, but Yezun hates him and Shen Wei can't help but be mad towards him. He sees how Li Qian acted and can’t help but to see himself and a path he could’ve gone down if the circumstances were different. This quality is one of the many things I love about him.

 It literally drives me insane because I’ve really learned to do that recently. Like not to project (i am.. Thats like the point of this) but Shen is very “i love everyone because I love you.” He loves people, cares about them, empathizes with them, and wants to help them because of the love he’s received from others. Simple small acts of kindness resonate with him for a long time and he keeps that kindness in his heart, knowing one day it will come back to him. And it’s just so good!! I’ve really come to realize that and want to embody it. All the kindness people show me is just so inspiring. I still have a turtle figure that a girl gave me in 4th grade when I was in the hospital, I remember when someone gave me their parking pass at uni when they were leaving so every time I go, I leave mine for someone else, I remember my coworker that bought me a water when I left my wallet at home, just!!! People!! We care about one another. And small, meaningless things can be a world of change for someone else. And Shen Wei really just reflected that for me and that’s why I love his character so much. I want to be like that. In every way, I want to radiate the same warmth and understanding but also have the strength and knowledge behind me to be reliable and dignified. 

(there was a lot more but this is most of where it got into Deeply Personal territory so yea.. <33, maybe someday i’ll share that one but not today )

IN SUMMARY In all iterations, Shen Wei and Zhu Hong get me like no other. They both hit for me in incredibly personal ways and I’ll just never forget about them and what they did for me at this point in my life. They’ve cemented themselves into the core of my personality and I’m always going to remember them and how they reflected my past and also my present. And hopefully, in some ways I will succeed in moving forward like they did and look back on it fondly. Regardless, I’m never gonna forget Shen Wei or Zhu Hong. They both mean too much to me in a very personal way for me to ever truly forget that. Of course, this intensity will fade but at my core, these characters are too perfect to forget. Congrats you two, You’ve joined the ranks of Minori, Kiriyama Rei, Homura and Honoka Maki in terms of characters that will never leave me. I hope that one day I can graduate from some of these feelings and live how I want. Live the way you’d want me to live. Till then, I’ll write these feelings down. Over and over again, in varying levels of eloquence, until I can finally absolve myself of these feelings.

#🐌.txt #IM FREE.. FINALLY #im gonna start shl tonight MWAH