#ugh i dont even know

[cyeayt]

being autistic in the mormon church

being autistic in the mormon church was, for me at least, a weird experience. because i wasn't excluded or mocked very often, just smothered in that strange warm beige obligation. because they could tell, they knew i was different just like i did. so they held my hand, told the other children to be nice to me, to make sure i felt included. and my peers did, cause they didn't have a choice, raised to be polite and kind no matter what just like i was. so i was included and invited places, always as an afterthought or a checked box but invited nonetheless, injected into conversations and games by adults that my peers wouldn't dare contradict. 'well meaning' adults who ask me if im okay or if i want to join the group, talking down in the sweetest tones. every christmas and on every birthday they still track me down to give me a card about how much they miss my 'unique perspective', even though i always tried my hardest to fit in and say the normal things.

"Look at that one. it's different and broken, but you must be kind to it. help it stay in the light of god, because god is the only way to save it. we're good, and righteous, and its so lucky to be in the church because we're the only ones who'll ever tolerate it, because that's what god wants."

and i miss it sometimes. standing on the edge of people who i desperately want to be friends with, flitting around in the back of stores and staring at concert posters indecisively until the date has passed. never finding the right spot in a conversation to talk, never working up the courage to ask if i can come too, i miss the people who had to be nice. who had me on a little list in their mind of what they need to get to heaven.

but im never going back. because even i could feel that it was fake. i felt watched and judged and pitied at all times, by peers who would ask me if i was coming then talk amongst themselves about jokes i didnt get and shared friends i didnt know. and i may be lonely now, but id rather do the work and be awkward and sick with nerves and find people and spaces that i actually want to be in who actually want me to be there, even if it seems impossible now. id rather that than go back to that warm suffocating place, familiar like the worst kind of family.

also telling that all the adults im talking about are either women/afab people or members of the bishopric, people whose 'job' it is to be welcoming and nurturing, though these experiences are mostly from young womens so that would also be it, but even women who arent involved in the yw leadership are raised and taught and obligated to do this and i dont blame any of them but its always made me wildly uncomfortable. never as much as random men who would sit down next to me and just start talking like we knew each other tho so eh

#exmormonism #exmo #autism #actually autistic #neurodivergent #no hate pls its all highly personal to me if you find it inaccurate make your own post #this isnt good or articulate but do you get what im saying? #in other words every mormon adult talks to me like im two and wants to make sure i know where my parents are #i know this isnt just me cause ive seen the same shit with some other queer and autistic people in my ward #but sry if this doesnt fit your experience ive mostly been part of nauseatingly liberal wards in blue cities #i used to come home from activity days every week screaming and sobbing cause i started to be able to feel how different and disconnected #i was from the other kids #everyone misses me everyone wants to know what im reading everyone wants me to know that the church loves me and so wont i stay #wont i let them love me like a sick bird in a cage #and now people are nice in way that tells me im free to come back #questioning isnt a sin as long as you find the answers in god #youll be forgiven all of this if you just come back #ugh i dont even know #salt lake city #but im singing it like the 979 theme #utah #trans #nonbinary #this isnt even about that its just another internal feeling that makes me feel different #religion #religious trauma

[gimmethatagustd]

omg yknow what i just fucking realized

my other fic that's really long (touch me after midnight, like 19k i think?) also doesn't show up when i search its tag

is it a word count/length thing???

#ugh i dont even know #i dont think ive had this issue with my other fics before #but anyway i'll stop complaining about this now i'm sorry #jai talks #jai complains

[chalkeater]

i have NOT drawn enough talk sprite redraws. Heres some warm ups!! RAAHH 🦖

#deltarune #susie deltarune #myself #fictive #fictives #warm up is a strong word blah blah blah i KNOW these are too detailed for them. what i MEAN by this is that theyre colored warm ups that #i ended up finishing over time lol #susart #putting this on my blog because i helped aaaaand i want people to remember that i exist lol #im NGL we also drew this because i dont know if people even remember who we are #im SURE people do but we have only had 2 commissions these past 2 months which is a little odd and off schedule #and i realized that because were not drawing what WE want to draw because weve been so busy… #then of course people might not see me! imnot drawing fanart and personal art lol #thats my little theory #PE has been a freak to me #you have no idea man. guys. ugh #anyway enjoy this lol

[toytulini]

listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.

yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?

maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".

get a better joke

#toy txt post #god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones #let it flop..........pls #internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop #i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having #1 million bajillion disclaimers #virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word #disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word #grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used #to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023 #and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like #im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild #i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good' #like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you #but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches' #'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay #god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil #but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful #and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like #hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine #and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr #and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like #and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay #its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat #? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty? #you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right #stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny #whatever #if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll #i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2015.

[solarpunkani]

"Oh no, someone's attracted to the aesthetics of my -punk movement but doesn't know the praxis and history behind it like I do--"

OK. Tell them. Make it a teaching moment. Everyone who's in your movement learned the background from somewhere at some point, maybe this is that point for that person. Give them a jumping off point that they can dive into later.

"Oh but I shouldn't be responsible for teaching baby -punks about the history and the how-tos and--"

OK. Then don't tell them. You don't have to be responsible for teaching people with a budding interest in your group the ins and outs and how-tos. That's fair and valid! It can be a lot of work. Someone else will handle it

"But I'm annoyed that they would try to claim to be part of/be interested in my community without knowing all the details that I know after being in it for months/years/decades, they're dumb, they're posers, they're--"

OK. Then don't engage with them, if it's that bad. Maybe someone else will come around and tell them the history, maybe they'll pick it up on their own, maybe they'll just enjoy the fashion elements for awhile.

"But they shouldn't claim to be part of the -punk community if they don't know the--"

I feel like we have a few options here. People can either talk to them, share the history, share the values, share the praxis. Or they can just chase off anyone who even thinks about dipping a toe in their community, and then wonder why it's dying off later down the line.

I dunno, maybe I'm too naive and patient or whatever. But if people are entering your -punk spaces without knowing The Rundown of what you feel they need to know, maybe being nice about it and informing people instead of immediately assuming stupidity and malicious intent could help you make a new friend. Even the loudest voices in a space had to learn from somewhere, and not everyone has the luxury of being in the space as the History was Happening--whether it's an age thing or a not being aware of the space thing. Or maybe I just don't see what the big deal is behind people hating people who like the aesthetic of something and don't know the behind the scenes history about it yet.

Because I believe in the word 'yet.' No one comes into this world knowing everything about everything, and we're all constantly learning new things. I'm not gonna degrade someone and call them a poser for not knowing what I know. Because if it were me, interested in a scene but getting chased out and called a poser? I wouldn't hit the books and study up, I'd go 'that fuckin sucks, those people sucked' and then avoid anyone and anything having to do with it.

So chase people off and call them posers if you want. But if your community starts dwindling, don't be fucking shocked.

#out of queue #ani rambles #punks and posers #i cant even call this a 4am hot take because its 7pm but like #idk i keep seeing posts about like 'how DARE people think I bought my punk clothes how DARE they not know the how-tos and DIYs' #or 'ugh people only care about the ~aesthetics~ of my movement if you don't know shit get out of here' and like #maybe I'm just a shy ass introverted nerd whos scared of social rejection! but I avoid that shit like the plague #so if someone were to reject me based on not knowing about something I'd never even heard about? something i was JUST getting into? #there's a high chance I'd just scram and never look back. i don't wanna be the one who causes that emotion in someone else #granted this is coming from someone who STILL doesn't know how to make her own patches or worked up the courage to do direct action praxis #outside of offering neighbors to my tomatoes and trying to talk to people about what I'm passionate about #but still imo unless someone's a malicious intentional bad actor i dont see the point in scaring newbies off #thats how movements die imo #i know this is my solarpunk blog but its not a solarpunk specific thing #i think the main post that inspired this was about store-bought versus self-made spiked leather jackets #which honestly just feels petty to me but who knows. #might delete later

[deoidesign]

A frustrating development with the growing lack of reading comprehension I've personally noticed is an emerging fervor of insisting things aren't canon unless they are explicitly stated beyond all reasonable doubt.

I can not emphasize enough how harmful a mindset this is to have. Yes, it's wonderful to have characters outright say "I'm trans," but to deny a character's identity for not saying that is dangerous.

Plenty of real people prefer not to use specific labels. Historically, people didn't have our modern terms or modes of expression. Many modern cultures don't use these terms, either, and plenty of people within those that do can't safely openly identify.

If the only representation you accept as canon is within modern (and let's be honest, wealthy white able-bodied American) standards, then you are denying yourself and others a huge amount of representation and seriously limiting the media around you.

#remembering how people were like hmm its not actually canon that Steve is trans and adam is nonbinary... #steve doesnt fucking know what 'trans' is hes an unhoused time traveling cowboy like!!! #after an arc. about werewolves. and how people become werewolves because theyre unhappy with their lives. #especially specifically regarding their body/gender #and how adam explicitly says 'your family never saw you as a man' #AND THEN FOLLOWS IT UP. with referring to Steve as 'the man who chose' #like for fucks sake #you are being deliberately and willfully ignorant if you say its not canon. #your ideas of transness are extremely extremely limited if it doesnt include people who dont use the word. #god. ugh. ive been annoyed by this since that episode came out #dont even get me started on how people barely noticed adam is nonbinary.mm #they said they dont wanna be called a boyfriend. come on!!! come on!!!! #how can i make it clearer without them saying shit they woildnt say and have no context for!!!! #scream. #anyways. #delete later lol im just frustrated again. #im not even sure i worded this how i wanted to

[strawberrybabydog]

this is a wierd question maybe but has a medical professional ever said anything at all about quadrobics?

i just know that in human pup safety courses they specifically dedicate a lot of time talking about wrist and hand injuries you can give yourself related to not playing properly and not using any wrist protection or support. MMA gloves are one of the most basic humanpup gears that they frequently stress is the Most important piece of gear you have because it's basically armor. and in humanpupplay, there is no running and jumping and parkour-type shit; youre just on the floor walking around or wrestling another dog. if its so easy to break your wrists doing that, imagine how easy it is to break your wrists with absolutely no protection whatsoever, running and jumping around?

(video from Gpup Alpha who is a humanpup educator AND doctor!)

iirc one of the entire points of the sport is to do it without protection to show off how adaptive or agile your body is. and honestly i think this is really terrible. this is a 1 way ticket to completely fucking up your wrists. again - if its easy to fuck up your wrists just by walking on your knuckles and knees, its even easier to do that when youre running and jumping and slamming your entire weight down onto your wrists without protection or support

i feel bad not having a real conclusion to this post. i want to say "go buy MMA gloves, go buy wrist support, go watch humanpup safety videos" but i am also not a medical professional and i have no idea what would work best here as protection against injury or longterm strain. maybe i'll say you should check in with a doctor before starting quadrobics and see what they recommend for wrist support because SOMETHING has to be better than forcing your entire body weight onto your hands and wrists this way (a fragile structure which has 8 bones btw!!)

be careful with your body. i dont care if you hate your body or do not identify with it. it is still a delicate machine that carries you through your life!!

#ugh every time i see vids of little pups doing quads with no wrist support i cringe its so hard to watch #every time they put their wrist on the ground im just like fuck thats gotta hurt. if it doesnt now itll start soon #like i get wrist problems from using my crutches and require wrist support for that and that is not an extreme sport!!!!!! #every time i see it i think about this video or another one gpup did about mosh safety #if it hasnt happened already its probably a matter of time before a cub wipes out and breaks their wrist and that super big mega sucks #begging. BEGGING for someone to invent a wrist/hand protection specifically for this sport. that is ideal #begging for someone popular in the quad community to consider safety #typing in quadrobics on youtube and safety is not even one of the autofills. nobody cares about this. like #i know they dont care cuz theyre not thinking about it cuz its almost exclusively pups who do this kind of thing but pleeeeaasseee #pleeeease dont fuck up your wrists before youre an adult PLEASSEEEE #alterhuman #therian #otherkin #quadrobics #Youtube

[d4jamso]

Mermaid Byers gushing to crab Murray and fish Lucas about the Prince

Close up and w/o filter

#i love seeing the mermaid byers agenda I LOVE IT #been listening to halles part of your world reprise none stop ugh shes amazing #okay sebastian is murray lucas is flounder scuttle is dustin triton is Joyce and dont even ask me who Ursula is bc you know damn who #oh ofc jonathan and el are wills siblings<3 #anyway live action little mermaid comes out in less than a week OH MY GOD!!! #will byers #will byers fanart #byler #stranger things #stranger things fanart

[paperstreetlocal]

they eated radium 😔😔

#i love them theyre so t4t #i have no clue how to tag this sorry nakey jumpscare #does this site even allow artistic nvdity i dont know Ugh #fight club #soapshipping #fight club 1999 #the narrator #fight club fanart #tyler durden #art #my art #fanart #nudity cw

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[itzsassha]

OC: Leo Volkovich

#cyberpunk 2077 #cp2077 #oc: leo volkovich #cyberpunk oc #male v monday #not a v #LEOOO!! my baby #those eyes.. on god... those eyes are trouble.. i swear #Yall dont even know how much i love him.. aaaah #virtual photography #original character #not tumblr butchering my pics after i hotsampled dem .. ugh..

[taikanyohou]

"You prepared this many backup sheets ... so, why? Regardless of the weather, ready to go anytime?"

MY PERSONAL WEATHERMAN (2023). Episode 3.

#my personal weatherman #asianlgbtqdramas #asiandramasource #asiandramanet #dailyasiandramas #mlmsource #boyslovesource #jdramasource #jdramaedit #* #faiza gifs #god this was so sexy i cant even TELL you. #yall want a healthy d / s relationship? LITERALLY here's one. RIGHT HERE. #'well done' oh my god OKAY. #ugh 7th gif yoh wants to be kissed SO bad its .... I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

[karamazovanon]

rip rodya you would've loved american psycho

#im only like 150? pages into c&p but this keeps haunting my brain so. here i guess #FUCK I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT HIS HAT #GODDAMMIT. WELL IM NOT FUCKING FIXING IT NOW #plus i havent settled on a design for him yet so itll def change. this is just to exorcise my brainworms #i dont even want to tag it skfjdkkf #i also love how one of the very first things fd did was make sure we know this guy is pretty as hell. thanks king #ugh i also forgot to add stubble whatever just take it #maybe ill redo it once ive finished it and have a better idea of what i picture him as #rodion romanovich raskolnikov #crime and punishment #back to our regularly scheduled tb/k posting soon i have 29489392 sketches im just too busy to finish them rn #anonart #rodya #alt caption: JUST BLOND BOYS DOING WHAT BLOND BOYS DO

[bluewlnteroses]

i just keep thinking about harley getting to know the truth about why peter is alone and finding out why people don't remember him and for a moment thinking he's glad he got to meet him after everything went down and immediately feel guilt and shame because its not fair peter went through so much pain and had to leave everyone he knew behind but,,,, just thinking about meeting each other before and getting to know peter and then completely forget him makes his feel sick

#but harley my baby you did #there was another crying teenager at the funeral that knew exactly what you were feeling in that moment #you just don't remember him #i feel like the world could have ended right there and peter wouldn't have notice #theres a blank space since the moment tony died until weeks after the funeral so can u blame him for not remembering harley? #they met in one of the worst days of each other's life #i just can't stop thinking about them realizing they met before and being absolutely devastated on how close they were to losing each other #because yes they met they talked and acknowledge their bond with tony but they were grieving #they talked for a couple of minutes but they didn't keep in contact they didn't become friends just like that #but now they can't possibly think about not being in each other's life #and to think they were close to lose that without even realizing it.. #ugh im sad don't pay attention to me #once again i do NOT care about the english language so dont bother i know there might be typos #harley keener #parkner #but platonic parkner works just fine too

[fatuismooches]

HIII 🐓 ANON HERE!!!!!!

I come bearing you a new scenario.....one that has been slowly rotting my brain (help)

WHAT ABOUT ESCHER?? Like.... imagine if while Dottore was disguised as Escher he fell in love with reader ? (Need more Escher x readers... im a lil insane)

- 🐓 anon

When Dottore was sent out to Tatarasuna, he only had one goal in mind - simply to cause a minor inconvenience for Inazuma. What he did not expect, however, was meeting you. Someone who he initially wouldn't give a second glance to, but soon found himself uncharacteristically seeking your company.

What drew him to you was how you seemed to be an outcast. Which was strange, because if even a puppet could be accepted, why was a human isolated from the rest of the group? It was a bit intriguing to the scholar. Perhaps because he had gone through the same thing. With enough veiled inquiring, he found out the circumstances were similar too - you had attended the Akademiya but left because you had found it inadequate, in your words. Oftentimes it seemed like Escher would "test" you on things. On morality, how far you'd go for an experiment, on many hypotheticals. You were never sure if you passed these tests from his unreadable expression, but he seemed more pleased at your lack of ethicalness than a good person should.

Well, now he found you much more interesting. You, on the other hand, would naturally be suspicious of the mechanic. He seemed so gentlemanly and charismatic on the outside, but you couldn't help but get a weird feeling. However, did you care? No. Somehow he was still attractive with the graying hair.

He wouldn't fall in love with you that quickly, no, he would define his interest in you as merely that - interest. Nothing more, nothing less. However, he is willing to pursue this interest, just to see how it goes. It could benefit him. He is in need of another assistant as always. Perhaps you could be the fit he's always desired. And so he would offer you a choice - join him in the Fatui, or perish along with the rest of the village. (The choice is obvious.) Or if by some odd chance, he did like you that much, you're just getting yanked back to Snezhnaya.

Dottore ended up getting two useful things out of Tatarasuna. A new test subject, and a new loyal assistant, who he would soon learn to love.

Thinking about this Reader helping him create the segments and gradually learning more about him through them...

#smooches talks #🐓 anon #dottore love notes <3 #(my memory of the exact lore is a bit hazy and i was too lazy to read the wiki so take this) #u are so real for this. im very insane. ESCHER SIMPS WYA???? (dont judge us) #did we just create the first escher / reader #i dont know how to feel abt this bc dottore is fine all the time #even as a mf npc #look theres this one fanart of escher that makes me climb up the walls #ugh im tired #i need to write. how the potion making event is dottore and reader core

[moonlume]

tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything

#man i started tagging this and i cant even bring myself to do it. hashtag art hashtag illustration hashtag capitalism. #sorry to be sadposting... tumblr is the only place i can admit ive actually been really really struggling with my love for art... #i should be grateful. i should be thankful for the fact that i can do art as my job. i shouldnt be whining about it like this. #but theres a hole in my soul where my joy for creating used to be and i dont know how to fix it. i want to love to draw again. #its been like this for probably over a year now and i dont know what to do. i cant abandon everything ive been working on for 7 years. #im also unemployable. so its not like i would dare to quit moonlume...but i just want to find joy in it again... #but capitalism has dug its wretched claws into my skull so badly that everything has been feeling incredibly soulless. i hate it. #anyway. might delete this later. its unprofessional but this is the one website where i can let go of professionalism for 5min and be human. #i dont hate what i do and i really am thankful..i just i wish i wasnt so stressed about making everything look good and perfect and sellable #but at this point its subconsciously connected to my survival that every time i think about drawing i stress myself out before i even start #ugh idk. neither here nor there. cant quit but dont feel connected to my work but cant change what i do or i will alienate my audience 👍