#this isnt even about that its just another internal feeling that makes me feel different

[taeiris]

okay guys here’s my crazy unsupported st5 theory that is mostly just me projecting my need for madwheeler bonding and drama and angst also byler duh

disclaimers: i never make theories so this is extremely messy probably, i know jack dookie abt writing shows i think of this as my own little version of what i would think would be very cool to happen, if this has loop holes dont ask me anything bc idk either

OKAY LETS GET ON IT

so first things first here is what i am taking into consideration for the theory to happen:

• mike pov, self reflection and introspection (he is gay and in love with will byers okay)

• madwheeler bonding, theyre both complex n misunderstood

• the upside down isnt just one dimension, i came up with this bc of how different the ud looks now

compared to when henry arrived.

to me theres like an umbrella dimension (yellow one) and others under it (blue one/hawkins ud, the void, etc)

this is also lowkey supported by the silly boobie diagram the writers posted abt

OKAY PREPARE FOR THE WORD VOMIT

in this silly theory of mine, a new dimension variant of the ud will be revealed in season 5, serving as a parallel to the void. this is where max is

OKAY another thing is this is also heavily based on those “leaks” that were going around twitter (for me at least) earlier when the strike first started. i remember a few of them claiming that we would get a deeper insight into mike and his own things, so this is my interpretation

this would serve as another vanishing, not really bc its shorter, but this time mike will be getting stuck in this other dimension, eventually finding max BOOM madwheeler serve

i mean look at them. the potential is insane

ANYWAYS

this dimension is like a combo of all the other ones, picture it like the hawkins ud, with the void’s wet floor maybe

lets go back to the fact max is here, this is her coma nightmare, its like this purgatory dimension vecna put her soul in

in this dimension inhabit your ghosts

this overwhelming, haunting, tormenting realm in your mind where you are constantly confronting all your bad memories, maybe this is kind of how vecna keeps max under his grasp, no happy memories allowed

okay so, mike gets there. how? when? i dont fucking know this is honestly just word vomit fanfiction to me

at first hes confused, scared but mostly confused, picture him screaming for wills name (the parallels) at first it’s empty and eerily quiet, but as he accepts it, the ghosts start coming in.

he gets BOMBARDED with these bad memories, some of them he cant even remember because come on, bro is always neglecting his internalized feelings/monologue in fear of what they say about him

this is where we get his pov on the whole will and eleven situation, amongst other things (like the way he’s constantly stressed thinking about the safety of the people he loves)

for a moment we see him break, bc these ghosts are LOUD and MANY

but it stops

max is here, she’s like “MIKE?”

“MAX?”

shes been here for a fat minute, she knows how to handle these ghosts in fact shes been going thru them one by one ever since, because shes done hiding. and she suspects that the only way to get out is by confronting them.

max saves mike from his ghosts, explains that this place is seemingly a purgatory with levels of memories and ghosts to overcome

this is how we get our madwheeler bonding we so graciously need, as they are part of eachother ghosts since theyre so similar it makes the other mad

this is how our complex misunderstood characters are broken down, explained to the audience, while also discovering the mystery that is this new dimension where at the finish line they might just figure out how to defeat vecna.

because they will

after overcoming the ghosts they find the place that vecna didnt think they would reach as he was so sure they would break and collapse on their own madness

think of it as how el found the source in season 3

or how max found vecnas lair after running away in dear billy

except this place is vecnas actual mind, they can see hear and feel what vecna is thinking, his plans and everything

mike wonders how will feels being able to feel this all the time

will feels this all the time

will is always connected to this piece of vecnas mind, to this source

he can always hear vecna

until he suddenly hears max… and mike and theyre calling for help

theyve figured out key clues on how to defeat vecna, and they have an idea on how to get out. this is how will’s connection comes in handy

mind walkie-talkie

maybe thats what this theory should be called, idk

-

so thats how we get our byler confirmation, madwheeler bonding like never before, mike focus, and the key to defeat vecna

at least in my head

i know this was messy and all over the place but it was very fun to explain and drop all my thoughts ive been vomiting on the gc for months now

let me know what you think, what you would add, if theres anything you think will support this theory?

its all just a theory, for fun! pls keep that in mind

thank you if you’ve read this far🫶

#mind walkie-talkie gate #stranger things theory #st5 #st5 theory #st5 headcanon #stranger things 5 #stranger things #will byers #mike wheeler #max mayfield #madwheeler #will and the mind flayer #byler #< target audience #taeiris word vomiting theories #mind walkie-talkie

[stilettomafiosas]

If you don't mind my asking; how did you develop your art style? I've been trying to work on developing my own style but I don't know where to even start. Your style seems so well developed, and I utterly adore it.

;w; its so kind of you to say so!! thank you!! I wish I could offer some insightful or exciting advice haha but I do have a short and a long answer!

the short answer: its the boring yet tried and true tip youll hear from everyone 😭😭 it all comes from a lot of practice over a lot of time!!

i kind of hate hearing that too because it seems dismissive BUT the practice isnt just drawing as much as possible, its also looking at art from other people, paying attention to the colors n shapes n composition around you, and at times just Thinking...

the long answer: style is ... hard to pinpoint! and in some ways, aiming to have your own very distinct style (and that being your main goal) can be restricting. focusing on that can keep you in a box of what's recognizable as Yours and hesitant to experiment or make changes. Ive seen some people who get hung up on making themselves a Brand draw no differently today than they did 10 years ago because they admit making changes or venturing into new subjects/styles "flop".... (and if your livelihood comes from selling art or merchandise and you rely on engagement to pay your bills thats another thing but as a hobby artist myself im talking more about a goal of just getting better at your craft in a way that makes you, personally, happy and satisfied and proud of it vs making what an audience wants to see and feeling rejected in pursuing other creative endeavors)

a lot of style development just progresses naturally over time as you absorb more art around you and train your mind to distinctly pick out what you like about other artwork and why. :] its all about the influence and how you incorporate that into your own work! so many of my artistic choices come from other artists, and the more you draw and the more you study other art, it becomes something thats a unique blend of You, even if not necessarily something immediately and strikingly unique that anyone could recognize as yours, its You cuz of the choices made in it and all the influences you enjoyed enough to pick up.

for me, it was pretty much doing studies + compiling an "inspiration/reference" folder (for doing studies) :3 ive been doing that since I was in elementary school and just drawing on loose leaf college ruled paper... I started out copying drawings in the funny papers we got on sundays, going to the library to get those "history of disney" kinda books that show a lot of cels or concept art, googling looney tunes screenshots to copy... it was So much copy, copy, copy. in my teen years it was shonen jump, i'd trace panels from naruto and one piece and shaman king, i'd freehand it, i'd redraw pages in my own way... and more recently ive kept it up with other interests (opening a catalog of model cars and filling sketchbook pages with car drawings... taking photos of cool scenery or bugs i see and blocking out the composition to figure out Why it looks appealing... going through an invertebrate zoology textbook and drawing creatures to understand their shapes/distinguishing features so i can anthropomorphize them in fun ways)

it might seem contradictory that spending a lot of time copying stuff leads to something thats your own but it does!! so much of art really does come from that internal library you build up, and building it up happens thru all that observation and exercising your hand to match up movements with the images in your head, and gaining experience + refining memory of how certain things are built or shaped or constructed. thats probably the number one tip i'd give to anyone who wants art advice... get a little sketchbook thats JUST for your eyes, and fill it totally up with stuff you copy. youll learn SO much and feel really refreshed for your own original works!

and if you feel discouraged, keep in mind that things tend to look better from an outside perspective! you see my art as having a developed style, and i very much appreciate that comment cuz to me, it's jumbled haha. i can draw the same character in very different ways in the same day... even the way i draw hands varies depending on what set of ocs I'm playing with. each of my stories presents some different artistic choices, and draws from a few different inspirations, so even if all the characters and the ways i draw them are recognizable as my art, they would still look a bit strange if they were all together because I have multiple "styles" ehehe

so in short, rock on with making art thats enjoyable for you and dont let an idealistic goal of a distinct style hinder you from having fun with the process & being proud of what you make. cuz honestly if you hold out waiting for the moment of realization that youve developed a style, you might never have that moment! not for lack of having anything distinct about your art, but just because its natural to be more critical and lost in the details of your own work than an audience would be. you likely already have aspects in your art that are recognizable as yours! consistency is good in some regards (like animation or comics) but dont be hesitant about trying things that are new or drastically different from your usual!

#asks

[theclosetedskeleton]

please infodump about your damn skippy oc please i beg

YAHSHANXNABX YAYAYAYAY

okay here we go

I dont have an uhh actual name for the oc (yet), ill try to think about one soon. Anyways

He's (obv referring to my damn skippy oc) energetic and constantly moving around the place. Damn skippy oc try to sit still in one place (failed INSTANTLY).

+ "Naturally curious (Good example for this idea would be the song "rainwater") and lives in their daydreams" kinda person. (When robots attack) (ik theres the line 'how i wish this was just a dream' in when robots attack, but I imagine the scenario wasnt a "daydream" he has and moreso of an actual dream that feels real.)

[going back to the last part, I imagine the entire damn skippy album is just the oc going on these silly tangents abt their life + daydreams (maybe minus "ode to crayola", as I already have a diff oc for that song alone)]

Pronouns - He/they (Was originally gonna go with he/him but i like the concept of "he/they DS oc better)

Physical features !!!

DS has these swirls in their eyes, like the back of the album cover. Confession - Every now and then i think the pinkish color makes him look high but then i add the blue and im like "nuh uh" HWKAN 😭

They also have these star pupils, I added the idea when i first designed the oc back in jan-feb time period. Btw these features arent like contact lenses those are his actual eyes :3 I imagine my DS oc to be like... 80% human and the 20% is uhhh I dont know that answer

Along with this, theres like this ink or whatever that seeps from his eyes. Theyre not tears or anything, no matter what they do to remove the ink it just comes back eventually, but the ink only gets down to a certain point to where it just stops flowing.

small features !!! he wears a lot of stickers on their face, mainly because the stickers are really cool

LOTS of kandi bracelets/wrist bands/spiked bracelets. There probably was a time where he was a scene kid, and they still take inspiration from that 2000s/2010s scene time period.

[side note!!! this doesnt relate with my oc 100% but

on the topic of the kandi bracelets part, DS makes a lot of kandi bracelets for HTTJB (another oc based on a LD album) (The hip to the javabean oc isnt my oc, its @shrimpmcbites 's). Occasionally DS will just give HTTJB a new kandi bracelet for no apparent reason. ]

LOTS OF COLOR !!!!!!!! DS constantly wears so many things dealing with color and bright things, like as if those saturated bright colorful photos were a person.

DS IS TRANS!!!!!! trans ftm to be specific. fuck making all my characters different.... i WILL project on every one of them

(on a specific note, DS hasnt gotten any sort of medical transition like HRT or top/bottom surgery)

Projecting on my oc once more !!!! but fuck i dont care - DS is aroace and queerplatonic !!!! + DS is also in a qpr W/HTTJB because me and @shrimpmcbites said so muahaha (we are both projecting...)

(Geeks is love is abt them !!!!! the line "I don't think they'll ever get the groovy standards that we set for love" fits oh so perfectly with the fact the DS and HTTJB oc's are in a qpr)

Okay now for a bit of silly facts

Favorite drink - Tea !!! of any kind !!!! or maybe koolaid or the type of water drinks where you pour the syrup of a flavor in water and you get juice if yk what im talking abt

Favorite food - I imagine DS to really like smores. especially the ones with too much extra stuff and too many marshmellows and chocolate

Favorite type of music - anything DS can dance to. or just move around to. He doesn't really like sad songs.

Favorite color -Probably all of them but mainly the really saturated BRIGHT colors

Hobbies -

Dancing (not really good at it, + is not a professional, they just do it bc he NEEDS a way to channel all of the internal energy they have.),

Reading (only comic/graphic novels, anything else and he just loses attention)

KANDI - They has SO. MANY. KANDI. STUFF. AT HOME. probably even a few pieces of kandi clothing because of all of the extra time they have on his hands.

Video games - Esp those really retro ones, but he'll play almost any video game that goes in their hands

HOLY SHIT THIS POST IS SO LONG. idk what else to add but if anyone reads this till the end and has any input about the oc send me an ask about it because my DS oc (and @shrimpmcbites 's HTTJB oc) has been CLAWING at my brain and i need people to talk to me about them

#closet rambles again on tumblr #oc info #Damn skippy #Lemon demon #Lemon demon oc

[demadogs]

Mike's behavior if he doesn't have some weird and complicated feelings about Will is baffling to me. If I can look at his behavior over the course of the show and go, "yep this is exactly how I acted as a kid about with one of my best friends" because I was really jealous and upset when they spent more time with the other kids in our neighborhood than they did with me (even if I was also friends with the other kid), had a grudge and didn't like a kid that moved into our neighborhood because my friend spent too much time with them, and actively started distancing myself from my friend because it hurt we weren't as close anymore.

I very much did have a crush on my friend, I just never realized because I just assumed I was 100% not gay as a child. Mike is somehow such a realistic portrayal of a oblivious gay kid with a huge crush and if it wasn't intentional it's kinda scary how spot on all his behavior is.

i agree but i dont think hes oblivious anymore. i think he definitely was in s3 but since will and el moved he realized how he really feels but hes DEEPLY suppressing it and just hoping it goes away on its own.

theres also genuinely not another explanation i can think of for his behavior with el and will. especially when we have the comparison of real love, lucas and max, and real platonic friendship, steve and robin or eddie and dustin. (not to say mike and wills friendship isnt real, theres just nothing more happening in any other friendship.)

those friendships are much more recent than will and mike so idk if theyre the best comparison, but none the less we dont get soft moments like the “hawkins is not the same without you” scene with other friendships. and the music choices with other friendships are very different from mike and wills. i think a good representation of real platonic love was the scene of eddie and dustin messing around in the field and eddie tells him to never change. the music that plays during that is “bright, hopeful music” compared to mike and will’s “emotional, tender music”.

anyways i genuinely would like to hear a mlvn shippers interpretation of mikes actions with will that isnt rationalized with internalized homophobia. why wouldnt he hug will at the airport? no its not because he suspects wills feelings, we know from the script itself that hes oblivious. why didnt he call or write will? its not just that theyre growing apart. if they were and there were no feelings attached you would think theyd want to regain that friendship, ergo, an actual real hug. why did he ignore will for el AGAIN? no other couple on the show have trouble balancing their relationship and their friendships.

and his actions with el. why didnt he say he loved her until a near death situation? why did will have to push him to continue? his gf was crying to him saying he doesnt love her and even then he still didnt say it. WHY wouldnt he say it during that fight if he actually genuinely loved her?

if this was genuinely queerbait, they are sacrificing a character that used to be a great, selfless best friend that people loved and making him treat two of the most important people in his life kinda terribly in order to achieve it. i just cannot see them going through with making mike have all these unlikeable actions if theres not a valid reason for them, and again, i cannot think of a single reason that makes sense for all of his actions other than internalized homophobia.

#i might play a dangerous game and make a post tagging mlvn and ask them their honest interpretation of all mikes shitty actions #cuz im genuinely curious and SOME of them are normal #shoutout to normal humans who are just like ‘mlvn are cute :) i see why people ship byler but i prefer mlvn’ #can you plz tell the rest of your kind to stop being insane #stranger things #byler #eden answers

[saintadeline]

I sent you this question about doctor in clinic of Bloodborne. Thanks for the answer! I was very nervous about it but I'm relieved. I've learned a few more things on this issue since yesterday after I did a post and someone also answered. There was evidence that, and doctor also, was Vileblood, what sounded very curiously. I'm now convinced on this theory too, at the same time I don't believe she was pregnant anymore. I forgot to say this in a previous ask that I thought that she described writhing and Oedon Writhe. But I am not confident anymore .Bloodborne has many horrible things happen with women, like just you wrote. Looks like because every Great One loses its child and years for surrogate, they use human bodies like factory. I understood your mind that another female character can just have more autonomy without being removed from this, at the same time I understood some fans just think that because false doctor can be Vileblood, it makes Oedon assault her too. I noticed that some people fuel even more horror to a story when it's already the most dark thing that isn't limited to be against women. It is such awesome idea to uplift the doctor instead of damning her too, like everyone else. We always notice that no one can have a happy ending, but we can change it with how we choose to interpret the story. It's all in the eyes of the beholder. I'd like to make a separate post on this that comes from different angle than saying someone is misogynistic, but I'm not even too familiar with using English language yet. There is no way to come to a complete agreement with sides, because different people want different things to write. So I think that some people here not hold ill intention to make one more female character reduced to just surrogated mother, but they want even more horror. Everything else in the post that you wrote was easy to understand and I had no more questions! Looks like everyone agrees that nobody wants to be evil and simply thought of what is better for the story and I love to see this in the fandom.

Yeah i definitely understand what you mean! In the end, bloodborne and fromsoft in general are games about coming to your own conclusions and thats part of what's so great about them. I think we can be mindful of what we theorize could mean in a narrative context while still being able to form our own takes on the lore. Also yeah agreed on the "vileblood"/cainhurst thing, without getting too much into it right now because this isnt my theory post LOL but i definitely think their relation to it added to their role and storyline in regards to oedon, it's really interesting to think about. I feel like i should clarify i dont necessarily want to accuse people of being outright misogynistic when theyre making that sort of theories! We all can unwillingly participate in misogyny that way without wanting to, because so much of it is internalized, and im not immune from that happening/having happened to me as well

Also your english is great !! Thank you for taking the time to write this and talk about it with me i really appreciate that :)

#long post #idk what else to say but yeah...

[teddy-feathers]

I graduated highschool in 09.

I remember wanting to go around topless like the boys as a child and it being akward af when i tried.

i remember making fun of anyone who didn't conform to the norm from my best childhood friend liking pink as a boy to laughing at a boy who told me he was ace in college because that "wasnt allowed".

i remember my parents giving me talks about dating and always being told it was okay if i brought home a girl instead of a boy and me insisting that i was straight because "i wasnt anything special" like being gay.

I remember never being girly but being told Id be so pretty if I just tried.

I remember wishing I'd been a boy as a child to wanting to be one of the boys as a teen to wishing Id been born a gay guy in highschool.

I remember telling the guys who liked me they didnt know what was in my pants to get them to leave me alone.

i remember my best friend testing her girl voice on me for the first time and me telling her it was weird and scared me.

I remember having sex because it was something to check off a list - and then litterally making lists in my head while it was happening because it held no interest.

I remember loving stories where girls disguised themselves as boys and being disappointed when the ruse was discovered or revealed or ended.

I remember hating when people got crushes on me because it felt like my friendship just wasnt good enough.

I remember knee jerk reactions to anything outside the norm and i remember doing and trying things i didnt want simply because they were "supposed" to be happening.

I remember learning about things and feeling small minded and stupid and over compensating.

i remember being jealous no envious of people being trans.

I remember figuring out that being aro and ace were allowed and realizing if i had the words i would have labled myself so long ago and been happy and never gone though the mess of relationships and experiences i did.

I remember waking up every day telling myself that im not special that im not trans because its still happening even though ive never wanted anything more.

"no one labled themsleves or said they were another gender or or or before"

they did

they would have

they didnt but

they were punished for it - in big ways yes but in small ways too.

i laughed at the first person who told me he was ace - im ace

i was scared of my best friend hinting she was trans - im trans

theres so much shit weve internalized. and like i get the knee jerk reaction to people labling themselves differently - people weren't allowed to be these things and even when they were they were considered special (bad) or rare and like were now seeing that it isnt rare its just not been allowed like being lefthanded wasnt allowed

and yeah maybe there are those who are confused or stright up lying. maybe im one of them. but despite what youve been trained to believe its not a bad thing to be special or want to be special

especially in a time where we're trying to change it from special (bad) to normalized.

[coolerdracula]

so i kinda understand that each altr has their own gender alignment,, but if you don’t mind me asking. how do alters cope within a body they don’t align personally with ? and in the same way, how would dating/relationships/etc work in a system with different sexualities ? (I HOPE THIS ISNT TOO INVASIVE (YOU CAN IGNORE ME))

it's alright! I feel okay answering this, and appreciate the politeness. it's a little hard to describe, though... it's a matter of perspective, at its core. we each have a different perspective from which we view our body -- there are certain things about my body that I connect with, while there are other things about it that another alter might. or, we may view the same thing differently, creating two different contexts for the same physical aspect. I like my flat chest in a butch, genderfluid way, while Scout likes it in a binary trans guy way. Blue doesn't enjoy having a flat chest all the time, so we have breast forms to alleviate that dysphoria. things like that

there's sort of a sense of ... we all understand that our body is communal, so even those who don't feel personally connected to it still feel connected in the way that .... Eliza usually looks in the mirror and sees Newt, or me, but she likes and knows us, so she's at peace with the fact that our body doesn't match how she looks internally. she's not too concerned with her physical form, as long as she's helping to take care of us/the system overall.

relationships as a system are complicated. usually, we pursue relationships based on what the current most frequent fronter wants, with consideration given to the stronger feelings of the others. but not everyone cares all the time. Scout only likes women, but if we had relations with a man, he wouldn't really protest, since he's just sort of hanging out internally and doesn't consider it his business. dating is generally only the direct business of the alter who initiated it -- someone who is dating Newt is *just* dating Newt .. but since it does affect the whole system, we like to be considerate of how it affects everyone else. like how if you lived in a small apartment with a few roommates and kept bringing someone over, you'd want to make sure your roommates are cool with that person.

overall I think it helps to view systems not as groups of disconnected individuals, but as interconnected parts of a whole that work together to build a communal experience that is in a constant flux of compromises and teamwork - so gender and sexuality are not as high of walls as you may think. that's just us though, every system is different! I hope that this made sense :]

#asks #anon #we're also generally androgynous so I think that helps in terms of no one feeling too alienated #system

[dirtwatching]

some thoughts on ADHD and ASD

Hej, my name's Ise (she/they), 24 years old, student, and about a month and a half ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. I am currently in treatment (meds and therapy) for ADHD, but my doctor says that we should first tackle that before we look at its brother, ASD.

The too-much gene

Jenna Marble's phrase "too much gene" really resonates me, because when I get excited I also have a tendency to be a bit too much to handle. When speaking about my passions, I can talk anyone into a corner, and I will dominate any seminar if I find the subject even a bit interesting. I also have a strong tendency to be a "klugscheißer" or "besserwisser" (i think that is the more international one), so I will often correct people, not to show them how i am better than them but in the interest of creating the best product. I also gague when to make those remarks: I will not apply the same scrutiny to a text written by someone who is a beginner in that language as I would to a text written by someone who is a native speaker. I usually point out, correct and sometimes explain, but I dont belittle, e.g. by saying how elementary that is.

That too much gene also shows itself in my writing, as you might have noticed. What was supposed to be a straight forward short text turns into a novel. I have really big problems narrowing in on just one topic: when tasked to write a paper one any topic regarding scandinavian monarchy, I spend two months on researching the entire history of three royal houses and earldoms and in the end could not single out a reasonable topic for one term paper.

And I have a bit of anxiety that the ADHD meds will only make me more unbearable, more to handle.

2. How do I know they are working?

I am on a constantly rising dosis of Medikinet, as of today I am taking 30mg of them in the morning and another 20mg around mid-day. While I do notice the constant tiredness that had been bugging me has reduced, i still dont "think in HD", as my doctor said I might. I am still trailing off in class, but can nevertheless still answer when the prof asks a question. I can write a pagelong essay for the student magazine in one sitting, but thanks to hyperfocus that was something I could do before. I think that maybe my energy and my motivation has risen, but not so much my ability to (control my) focus.

There is also the general problem that I am a very critical person, not (only) as in self-critical but also very much as in critical theory, how do I know that what I am experiencing is real and not a simulation, critical. Okay, maybe thats a bit too much, but more like: how do I know the meds are doing their job and this isnt just a placebo effect taking place? And what if my increase in energy is simply due to my surroundings, the sun coming back and the end of the semester approaching, the new flat, different people I hang out with or my diet and exercise, and not the meds?

And additionally, how do I know that my brain does what it is supposed to do, when it has probably never in my life done that? (And lets not get into a rant about normativity here.) This is actually a thing I was already thinking about when I was about ten years old: how I can I know what I am feeling, both emotion and sensory/pain wise, when those feelings dont come with a label and I can never know what exactly someone else is feeling?

Life doesnt come with a pop-up menu for stats, where you can clearly see whether the pain your feeling is the worst pain imaginable or whether that little hitch in your breating is due to anxiety, walking up the stairs or a cold.

#autism #adhd #i had a third thing about taking meds to be a productive member of society but it got too complicated and i started getting distracted #responses are welcome

[heylinfanclub]

Equestrian Notes 4.14.23

- Talked a lot more than interacted with the horse, but the horse remained a vital part of grounding and recognizing when i start to dissociate hfjkg.

- Talked about the psyche circus as emotional parts (not for DID but as a general sense of lack of cohesion due to never being allowed to form a concrete public identity for 23 years of my life, I use Characters and their Symbolic Narratives as a way to explore the ways my brain fights its self in a way I can more easily point out parts instead of being like ‘idk some part of meee?’). (its also easier to be compassionate for a character than myself).

- Foster encapsulates rules and logic and forceful management. He’s ‘brush your teeth, comb your hair, wear something different, stand up straight, you know how, you are capable, not doing so if a personal failure’. He’s a vampire so he’s used to rules being necessary, lest you be hurt or ostracized. Which is... relatable... - Nancy asked when Foster would’ve become a part, not a character, but that sense that I needed to follow the rules or I would be in danger. And I said around thirteen. So while Foster as a character feels like an adult and is aggressively controlling, he’s only 13 years old. I’m 26. I’m older than this part of me. I know better, and I shouldn’t allow it to push me around. - She also suggested, if Foster is really only 13 instead of a grown man, what’s something more age appropriate he’d rather be doing? At that age, what would I rather be doing, than being bossed around? And the answer was.... to relax, to let loose, to be allowed to move at my own pace. Maybe, to have someone work alongside me, with compassion, rather than judgement. To understand my needs even while concerned about my performance. Also, I wish I’d had the communication skills in some way to express myself more during that time of my life, so, if anything, he probably wants to be more than just the rules he lives by. - So foster needs a talking to, to recognize he’s coming in pretty hot, even if he’s coming from a place of caring, of a place of ‘i can better them’. We don’t need to be better. We just need to be okay. And we are, for the most part, okay.

- She gave me a handout which separates the internal system, which all people have and gets occasionally fragmented by trauma--- Which includes, Managers, Fighters, Exiles and the Self. She says I have easily made tons of characters based on emotional states, I largely live in a state of ‘how can my brain be me, if i disagree with my brain so so much’. So while I have a ton of Managers telling me what to do, Fighters trying to distract me, Exiles crying in pain, I genuinely don’t know who I’m supposed to be in that mess. Our touchstone is Curiosity for me. That drive to understand compassionately, others and these parts of me that hurt so much. Sometimes I want them gone, because they’re in my way of living a LIFE, but it’s important to know that... that’s probably exactly what the people who neglected me thought. Ultimately I want to understand and HEAL, understand and work together to make things BETTER.

- Talked about how Fantasy has been kind of my cradle of healing since I was 11 years old. Playing as characters, talking about narratives, research, philosophy, things on PAPER-- It was where I found solace. But I have this feeling of wanting to be in the real world, but it’s so much scarier than stories. Books you can close, texts you can backspace, new stories you can start and stop at a whim. Life is a bit. Semi-Permanent. It’s concerning. Sigh. HFHFHFH. Something something ‘fantasy isnt just an escape, its what I WANT for the real world’. Owlhouse kinda fuck me up w that ‘lost one magic, found another’. I don’t. Wanna leave my ‘magic’ behind though. With it being, indulging deeply in stories and fantasy and discussion and roleplay. But I find it hard to make a balance between retreating into it fearfully anytime something bad happens in the world. Ach.

-- Its a nice day out today

#therapy. #psyche circus. #me.

[r0mantic-h0micide]

i was writing more posts but they all were about my abuser and then i would start to dissociate and stare. then the thought of what i was saying would leave my brain and i couldnt finish what i was trying to say. so maybe its best that i just dont talk about it. theres no point in talking about it anyway, is there? i mean really, if you think about it, theres no point. whats done is done. nothing can change what happened to me. sometimes i wish it hadnt left me as broken as i am, but ive accepted things as they are for the most part.

sometimes i just wish people knew. i think it would make everything so much more clear. if people knew what happened between myself and my abuser, i think theyd understand more about me. but maybe its what happened between myself and zachariah that would help people understand better. my abuser was mostly physically abusive. for the most part, i suppose there isnt much to tell there.

but zachariah was different. it was deeper. he took my nothingness and turned it to pain and anger. he pulled me out of myself, all the way to the surface, just to suffocate me even more. and whats worse is that he had me begging for it. suddenly, one day, he turned the emptiness into burning rage and thats all i could feel for a long time. still, there are pieces of my memory that my brain has hidden away, but i remember the rage, even if its a vague and shadowy picture.

there arent enough words to even begin to explain how he made me feel. it was the high of my life. he made me feel special, like i was the only one he had ever cared about, even though i knew he wasnt capable of caring for anyone. even though i knew, if he wanted, i would be dead. but that was it, wasnt it? he chose not to. he chose to keep me around when he was so clear that when he was done with me, he would throw me away. to me, he was higher than god. an untouchable being that i was lucky to even be speaking to.

i never tell anyone anything about zachariah because then theyd know. theyd know that i am fucked up beyond repair. the things that he groomed me to find attractive are dangerous. i hate being looked at like im crazy. i didnt ask to be this way. i dont know anything different and i never had a chance to. sometimes, some of the things that i think to myself, make me sick to my stomach.

and its a burden that i bear alone because no one would understand and even if they did, its not like that would make it any better. i know its bad. i know my internal monologue is grotesque. im the one fighting it everyday. and sometimes i just wish that people knew that im trying so hard to change. and i wish they knew that i had to change. and i wish they knew why.

but every time i explain even just a little bit of how i felt about zachariah, how i still feel about zachariah, i have to see horror painted across that person's face. to me, its all ive known. to me, it was normal. there are still things that im learning arent normal that i thought were completely normal.

i wish things could have turned out differently. im pretty accepting of what has happened to me in my past. there isnt anything that i can do now. and honestly with the way i grew up, i didnt have much of a chance of turning out normal anyway. but i wish i could look at that little 11 year old girl and tell her that everything is okay and that she doesnt need to turn to strangers on the internet for validation. i wish i could tell her to do things differently.

its not something i spend my time beating myself up for. whats done is done. living life in regret isnt something i want for myself, its also just not who i am. but i'd like to think theres another world out there with another version of me where that little 11 year old was outside playing with friends instead of inside wishing she was dead because no one loved her. instead of turning to the internet for something that even resembled attention. and then she grew up with a normal high school experience and was nice and made friends. its comforting to think that, even if i have to go through all this pain, she doesn't.

[calehenituseappreciation]

Tommy thinking Sam Nook and Sam are two different people would lead to such funny senarios.

Especially if you apply this logic to everyone.

what if mexican dream and quackity are the same people and that was just him making fun of dream and making tommy laugh and tommy genuinely thinks dream killed mexican dream and that hes a different person

and when ranboo pretended to be killed by clarencio

he just doesnt realise

he thinks girl dream is someone else too

tubbo genuinely has a bunch of personalities and so he thinks theyre all different people (and also he doesnt realise theyre the same people a lot)

sam, in his normal voice: tommy do you have the- tommy, crying: what happened to sam nook?

sam proceeds to live as sam nook around tommy because he once tried to tell tommy sam nook isnt real and he started sobbing and so sam cant

sapnap, approaching sam on the site: hey sam can you do this for me? sam: su- tommy, running up: SAAAAAAM!? sam, in the sam nook voice: hello tommy! sapnap: wtf??? tommy: this is sam nook! :D have you met him? sapnap: what? thats just s- sam: shakes his head, behind tommy where he cant see sapnap: uhhhhh sam: takes out sword sapnap: h-hi sam nook! tommy: :D

sam is not the only person this happened to. 

tommy: technoblade???? techno, sneaking into l'manberg: uhhh techno, in a highpitched voice: no this is Clarencio tommy: the llama? techno, in high pitched voice: no the pig tommy: hmmm techno: sweats tommy: smiles brightly ok!!!! techno, under his breath: that worked??? tommy: wanna hang out with me? techno, in high piteched voice: i really need to go tommy: buttttttt :(

technoblade proceeds to have to pretend to be clarencio the pig and hang out with tommy all afternoon

phil, coming to check on techno: techno? techno, in a frilly pink dress, in a high pitched voice: hi tommy: phil!!!! have you met clarencio??? but not the llama!!! clarencio the pig!!! phil, holding back a laugh: is that so?

(defenitly happened before he got exiled, i refuse to change my mind)

everytime techno is caught he says hes clarencio (the pig) and tommy vouches for him each time and no one is able to bring themselves to tell him that clarencio (the pig) doesnt exist

sam nook, :handshake: clarencio the pic, :handshake:  mexican dream, (not girl dream) not being able to tell tommy their not real bc hed cry

IMAGINE IF TOMMY WAS GIVEN THE JOB OF LIKE BEING THE BORDER PEOPLE WHILE HE WAS WILBURS VICE BEFORE THE ELECTION AND PEOPLE WOULD JUST FAKE IDENTIES AND TOMMY WOULD JUST BELIVE EVERYONE

quackity: i demand to be allowed to join l'manberg! wilbur: ur american quackity: i shpould still be allowed! wilbur: just say your not, thats what everyone does quackity: what wilbur: just make a fake identity?? quackity: youre... the president???? wilbur: yeah and?? quackity: shouldnt you not be be endorsing that??? wilbur: i made tommy the border person. you think i care? quackity: sksksks quackity: still bad tho

the only one tommy never believes is dream, no matter what, he can just tell when someone is dream, like ya know those police dogs? the only reason he didnt realise girl dream was because girl dream is girl dream he thought it was just a dream thing

TOMMY THINKS BAD AND MONOCHROME BAD ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE

monochrome bad: tommy tommy: whomst? bad: oh uh recolourfies tommy, screaming: WHAT THE FUCK

tommy doesnt have object permanence but for people

techno, while tommy is staying with him: leaves room tommy, crying: I had a big brother once, i dont remember him tho

phil leaves them and (while stabbing wilbur) tommy just doesnt realize its him until techno says "dad?"

quackity works at wendys and tommy goes there everyday but doesnt realise its quackity

tommy went there since the war ended

and at the time didnt realise tommy cant tell and so when he and tommy started a mafia and became friends he thought tommy knew who he was and tommy once suggested going to dennys and quackity is like 'oh my god' and tommy is like my friend works there!!! and then they go to the one quackity works at and quackity is like 'haha funny' and then tommy asks around and then turns to quackity sadly like "my friend isnt here today D:" and then quackity is like o h

tommy, towards sam, in sams house: sam!!!!!! sam, who was sleeping, in his normal voice: w-what? tommy: sam!!! :D sam: hey tommy yawns whyd you wake me up? tommy: sorry but i really needed to ask you a question!!! sam: did you want to ask me where sam nook is again? tommy: welll.. that too but!!! you should meet sam nook!!!! sam: what tommy: please please please sam: no go back what did you ask? tommy: you need to meet sam nook! i think you'd be friends!!! :D sam, internally: shit sam: uhhh i dont really think i should- tommy: pleaasee uses puppy eyes sam: sure sam, internally: why did i say yes????

sam then has to pretend to be sam and sam nook at the same time

tommy: you're gonna love sam nook sam!!!! sam: uhuh tommy: where is he? :( sam: uh maybe hes behind you tommy: turns around to look sam: runs to other side of tommy sam, in sam nook voice: hello tommy!!! tommy: sam nook! have you met sam??? hes right here!!! gestures to sam who has to run behind him again tommy: sam say hi!!! sam, panting, in normal voice: hi tommy: whyre you all out of breath and shit???

this,,, just continues for a while

quackity, watching this exchange, driunking juice: sucks to suck sam: you'd do the same quackity: no. mexican dream is dead lol tommy, only hearing the last part: cries i miss mexican dream quackity, feeling sad: uh- we can revive him maybe? tommy: wipes tears YEAH! sam, whispers to quackity: told you so quackity, hisses to sam : shut up

quackity then has to pretend to revive himself while running around also he has to steal another one of dreams masks

honestly in this au everyone would hear about what happened during exile and stab dream (while pretending to be other people because ig in this au tommy still thinks dream was once his friend and yeh)

tommy, after crying infront of sam nook and telling him what dream did to him: so.. sniffs do you have any more quests for me to do? sam nook: i have one more quest tommy, cheering up: what is it!! sam nook: for myself tommy, confused: what is it? sam nook, taking out a glock: homocide

insanebur: you want to know why no one listens to you tommy? tommy, pouting, on the verge of tears: What? insanebur, unable to finish, clutching his heart: your too cute

this is just au where tommy is baby huh

wilbur isnt mad schlatt exiled him- hes mad he exiled tommy

schlatt and dream are the only ones not affected by tommys baby vibes and thats their downfall

tommy just has to call everyone a nickname, once, and everyone is melted

niki and jack: tommy is the fault of all our probelms we should kill him puffy: he. bonk is bonk baby bonk niki and jack: look over at tommy tommy, with sam in the distance: cries to sam because he cant find sam nook niki and jack: okay... maybe we should be less... violent...

Sam rlly just went

sam: looks at tommyinnit sam: nothing bad will ever happen to this child ever again

huh?

I’ve named this au, au where hes baby ur honour

tommy: i had zero parents (who care) tommy, gestures to puffy and sam: NOW I HAVE TWOOOOOOO

insanebur: god i fucking hate everyone tommy: even me? insanebur: except you tommy

sam: I AM THE TOMMY GAURDIAN! GAURDIAN OF THE TOMMY! sam @ anyone who wants to hurt him: FUCK OFFF

tommy canoanically understands the animal crossing language

ranboo: i can speak enderman! tommy: well i can speak creeper

whenever tommy gets overwhelemed around sam he burys himself he asks sam to cover for him in creeper

okay thats enough of that

#dream smp #tommyinnit #awesamdude #mexican dream #captain puffy #sam and puffy are the only ones who get parental rights #hes baby your honour

[philtstone]

im probably going to regret making a silly little post about this and in no way do i actually want to start a conversation but i keep seeing ppl condemning or trying to “fix” buckys amends storyline in fatws and it keeps upsetting me so i had to parse my way through why that is. 

i get it. i truly get where ppl are coming from. yes, what happened to bucky wasnt his fault. he is the victim. he doesnt “need” to atone. 

i am just gently asking people to consider that for some individuals, internalizing their victimhood is not the right first step to healing. you can "it wasn’t your fault” until the cows come home and for some people that will not change how they think about themselves. some people need a constructive outlet that will prove to themselves and to others that they are still a human being capable of good. i know ppl irl who are buckys. like not that level of trauma obviously, but it literally will not matter how much you tell them that x huge traumatic event wasnt their fault. they need to feel like theyre acting upon some external problem to feel like a full human being. encouraging them to help others in real practical ways tricks them into remembering that they have agency, that they are still good, that they are still a full human being with a soul. this, in turn, helps clarify the reality that what happened to them was inhumane. sam telling bucky to be of service to others wasnt blaming him for his trauma. it was helping him structure his need to “do something”. and fatws is a narrative within an established World, so of course that outlet will be tied to a characters existing experiences (the list of ppl affected by the WS) to cohere it all together, narratively.

at the end of the day this really isnt about bucket barnacles and caring this much about other peoples m*rvel takes is dumb. its more like. i just really hope that we can all understand that different people need different things to heal from the same experiences and that also theres a universality in the Very Human Act of doing something good for another person that will always benefit someones mind and soul. even if its difficult in the moment. and i say this as someone who is 100% a person who needs the “it wasnt your fault” talk. sometimes that simply is not a useful first step to help someone feel human again.

#im making this post for myself and my 2 mutuals and im deleting it tomorrow but i really needed to get it off my chest #also im NOT inviting discourse this is purely a gentle vent post #i dont care enough about this topic to Disk Horse it #thankfully im less mad about it now than i was like 30 minutes ago lol #i genuinely do understand where people are coming from #but #sams advice was good advice. he understood what his friend needed in that moment. #phil.txt #delete later #ew i cant believe i wrote this

[themountainsays]

okay this isnt hate im just curious, why do you like incest ships?

Hi anon! :D well since you asked so nicely, I'm going to explain.

I just think there's something oddly romantic about it. I jokingly tell my friends it's double the love, right? Family love × romantic love. It's Love^2. It's just a very different dynamic from what you may see in normal ships, because you also got a sibling or cousin vibe going on, and I personally find that adorable. I love to think of an older sibling being protective of the younger one and whatnot. And I LOVE the whole incest guilt aspect. The characters in a relationship feeling gross and scared and... And the reassurance that they're alright, they're good enough, their sibling/cousin loves them, they're not gross or disgusting or dangerous. They deserve love and they deserve to be happy just astshfjfnnfnfnfndndn 😭

Okay, I admit i like to project my own internalized homophobia on incest guilt narratives. I struggle with my own insecurities a lot. Sometimes I hate myself a little and I wish i could be normal 😂 ahh but internalized homophobia in fanwork can be quite controversial now, can't it? Or in media in general. Oh, look, another film about a gay character hating himself. Another fic with stupid poor-taste drama trying to shove homophobia into an escapist coffee shop AU in which everyone in the protag's friend group is gay and nobody bats an eye. No one wants to talk about internalized homophobia. It's annoying. But incest guilt? Incest guilt is pretty much a staple of the genre. Your fic may look strange and odd and poorly thought out without SOME difficulty. The lack of shame and secrecy wouldn't make sense. The lack of anger - at yourself and at the object of your affections and at everyone around you - wouldn't make sense. I find it very cathartic to read and write, especially when that moment of release comes, and the character is reassured that they are Good. They are alright. They are safe to be around and they are capable of being loved. In fact, they already are. They don't have to be scared.

Of course, I KNOW I could write about internalized homophobia. I know I will find people who enjoy that sort of catharsis, too. But incest guilt hits different because, well, I know homosexuality isn't immoral or dangerous. There's not a lot of tension there imo. It's like a soft tiny fluffy poodle werewolf crying "stay away from me! I'm a monster!" I just don't buy it. But incest? Oh, incest is a terrible thing. It's not normal, like homosexuality. Now, you do ask yourself - is this character fucked up in the head? Are they immoral? Unethical? It's not a harmless little poodle anymore; now it's an actual werewolf looming over the little Red Riding Hood and baring it's fangs at her. When the werewolf says "i'm a monster", you think "it kinda has a point".

Which gives more weight and intensity to that act of love when the figurative red riding hood hugs the werewolf - i think Guillermo del Toro spoke about this, how the monster shouldn't need to change into a prince charming. The beauty comes from understanding and loving the monster as it is. I'm in love with that concept. It's what my (unpublished) bear fic sorta revolves around lol. With our modern conceptions, its easier to love a normal gay than to love a gay in love with her sister. It takes more. Knowing and loving what seemed unloveable. I think there's a lot of beauty in that.

Of course, this is all a fantasy. There's nothing beautiful about REAL incest. Real incest is harmful and horrible and disgusting. But I'm not thinking about REAL incest, I'm talking about fantasy incest. A romantiziced version of incest that doesn't actually exist. Personally, I like narratives in which the protagonist is the exception - they're not bad or dangerous even when most other similar cases are. This is why I don't LOVE intergenerational incest. I just can't wrap my head around the fantasy of "healthy" intergenerational incest. The age gap and power dynamics are too great. I don't enjoy "abusive" incest either. It may be """""more realistic""""" but it doesn't feel sweet or romantic or beautiful to me. I don't understand how other people like it but I'm not a cop and I'm not their mom i ain't telling strangers online what to do. I can only see it as cute or romantic between siblings or cousins. It requires some suspension of disbelief, yeah. I don't mind that. It's a fantasy, after all, in the same way that there's something deeply romantic about sending love letters to your lover fighting in the trenches, but lmao you do NOT want a REAL loved one to go to war, you just want to read a sad book about it. I think it's important to have the critical thinking skills to KNOW this "romantic incest" is a fantasy, and enjoy it as such.

There are a few other reasons as well - I've always had a bit of a morbid fascination with incest, maybe that's why I loved Percy Jackson and The Lion King 2 so much as a child 😂 I think it's fun to play with a combination of sibling/cousin dynamics and romantic dynamics between two characters. The fluff is fluffier. The angst is angstier. There are some narratives that simply work better with incest in it *cough* bear fic *cough*. Plus, I get the feeling I'm more comfortable with the abstract concept of incest than many people outside the continent may be, because it's such a common theme in latin american literature. So I never felt scandalized or particularly grossed out. I thought it was weird and kinda yikes when i was younger, but that was never the hill I wanted to die on. Now I'm a hopeless romantic, and I want to read about star-crossed lovers too scared to follow their heart and love each other as openly and honestly as they always wanted, and I find that incest shipping does the trick just fine.

#incest cw #shipcest #yeah #that's the reason anon #i just think it's neat #edit: i may have to find this again in the future so i'm giving it a weird and specific tag #la llama que llama #llama pronouncef as shama

[fruitymimi]

Free Bird - Keigo Takami x Reader

free bird master list

the hero commission ruined him, leaving him unable to feel anything. that is until he meets them. 

warning: yandere themes, emotional trauma/abuse, obsessive hawks

pairing: keigo takami x gender neutral reader

a/n: this fic will get darker as i go, this is only the first chapter (; this is all fiction, if it isnt your thing please scroll x. THIS IS ALSO SLOW BURN! hopefully i’ll have an update out tmr <3

word count: 2727

Keigo Takami was the last man you’d call mentally stable.

Keigo has always felt like he didn’t have a valid place on this earth. He’s always felt like he was alone, nobody understood the way he thought. Since he was a child, he hated the idea of becoming a hero. He wanted to live in peace, he wanted to feel like a free bird. He couldn’t remember much about his childhood, almost like he’d built a mental wall between his past and whatever he had left that he called a future. 

His parents always asked him if he wanted to be “Just like Endeavor!” and whenever he’d tell them that he wanted to be his own person, they would shut him down by saying he just didn’t realize it yet, but he was “bound” to be the #1 hero. Instead of a childhood, Keigo was forced to train with people who were physically and mentally stronger than him, people who made his quirk seem as though it was just lightwork that anyone could do. 

Putting a child with people who would make him feel inferior was one thing, but doing it on purpose to try and make your child stronger was just abusive. That’s all his parents wanted. They wanted him to be the strongest hero in the world. They would do anything to get their hands on a child with a hero salary.

“You’ll be just like your idol!”

As soon as Hawks turned 18, he’d lost his freedom to speak for himself, he’d lost his free will. He was no longer a free bird. He was manipulated and forced into the position he was in now. They promised he’d be the perfect hero, they promised he would have the top hero position.

Keigo was so desperate for an escape that he believed his “idol” would be his savior, poor thing knew that was near impossible, though. His parents basically sold their soul to Endeavor, after exchanging a few words & their child with Endeavor, his future was written for him. 

Endeavor wasn’t at all innocent. Keigo was his fifth chance at the perfect child in his eyes. The only thing that separated the man from Keigo’s parents was the fact that Enji was not motivated by money. Endeavor wanted nothing more than a perfect name. He wanted his name to have an impact far after his death, and he wasn’t sure how far he’d get with Shoto. 

By having Keigo, Endeavor could let people know that he trained, motivated, and pushed Keigo to be the amazing hero he was. Nobody would find out about Keigo’s past, no one needed to know. Endeavor would be a legend, Keigo’s parents would be rich beyond belief, and Keigo would be a hero, who wouldn’t want to work for a corrupt system that enslaves or brainwashes its people? 

The hero commission didn’t want Keigo. They wanted a hero they could control.

“His quirk is perfect. He has the ability to fly, he can use his feathers in combat, he’s the perfect tool.”

From a young age, Keigo was forced to realize how terrible the hero commission was. Praised or villanized for a quirk you couldn’t control, and if you didn’t have a quirk, you were pretty much useless. 

The only people who understood this concept was of course those who were affected by it. The ones who were published all over the news for being a villain, a threat, just because the hero commission saw their quirk as dangerous. They’d be locked behind bars for wanting to stop the injustices & prejudice against them, they’d rot in a cell, blaming themselves for something they couldn’t control. All while heroes were praised for doing the bare minimum, living in 3 story homes, eating off of silver spoons.

Knowing this at a young age was a lot for Keigo. All he wanted was to be a free bird, but… that wasn’t possible anymore. He felt empty. He felt like his life didn’t have a purpose, he was just a puppet for Endeavor, a bank for his parents. 

He’d spend hours training with Endeavor, even if he complained that he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t feel like he could continue, Endeavor would make him continue training until he couldn’t fly straight. They event went so far as to putting Keigo in a dorm room inside of Endeavor’s building so they could have longer and “more effective” training.  Keigo knew he wouldn’t get out of being a hero, and he was slowly accepting the fact that his right to autonomy was gone.

He couldn’t even escape from the dorms. Even though Endeavor left every night to go to his own home, the building was heavily guarded and Keigo would be a fool to try and run away.

And that’s how he carried himself until he was nineteen. No, he didn’t finally break Endeavor with his sob stories. No, he didn’t knock any sense into his parents to have them pull him out of hero work. He… met someone?

“This is Keigo. He’s… he’s interning with me. He’s been shadowing me since he was a young, aspiring hero.” Enji explained to the person who was following close behind him. They had bright eyes, they looked like they were excited and content with being a hero.

Keigo couldn’t help but stare at them… someone was walking with Endeavor and they were happy. That’s not something you even see from his own wife. It didn’t take long for Keigo to notice how gorgeous they were. The prettiest skin, their features were soft & made their face look absolutely stunning. 

“Keigo. Don’t you have something to say to them?” Endeavor was staring daggers into Keigo’s face. 

Keigo’s eyes were blown wide as he snapped back into reality. “My name is Keigo Takami. It’s really nice to meet you.” He said to them, reaching his hand out for them to shake. 

They grinned, taking his hand into theirs. “It’s nice to meet you! I’m Y/N! I’m interning with All Might, he’s just gonna be busy for a few weeks in another country… So, he trusted Endeavor to train me until he’s back.” Immediately, they cursed themselves for saying something that Keigo probably had no interest in, something he didn’t ask about.

But that’s where they were wrong. Keigo wanted nothing more but to hear them speak. He was pretty sure that the only real interaction he’d gotten in the past month was with Endeavor, it felt amazing to finally be talking with someone else. 

Keigo felt like he was floating as he stared at their smile. He wanted to listen to them speak all day, he didn’t care if what they said had no meaning.

“I trust you to teach her warm-ups while I’m in the next room getting a few things for the training,” Endeavor looked at Keigo, raising a row, “behave yourself.” He mumbled, leaving the two in the room by themselves.

Keigo couldn’t help but watch what they were doing. They seemed so bubbly and excited to be in the position they were in. 

“So..” They finally broke the awkward silence, folding their hands in front of them, “He seems like he’s a hardass, isn’t he?” They laughed.

Keigo furrowed his brows, scratching the back of his neck. “Hm- What?” He stuttered out. Of course he was getting distracted by their smile again. The way their hands looked so soft and the way their eyes shined whenever they would look at Keigo.

“Endeavor, birdbrain. He’s a hardass? I can tell.” They teased, slowly walking to a chair that was in the room. “He seems like he’s really strict, almost like he’s annoying.”

For some reason, Keigo’s face felt all hot. It felt like it was burning hot in the room all of a sudden. He didn’t feel right. He felt like he wasn’t in the right dimension. He wasn’t himself. “Yeah… That’s Endeavor… He’s always like that, always has been since I can remember.”

“Why’d you pick him for your internship? There are so many cool heroes… Endeavor seems…” Their words trailed off as they looked down at Keigo’s wings, smiling when he saw them flutter. Of course the stupid things fluttered at the sound of their voice.

Keigo opened his mouth to speak, searching for the words-- a lie to tell them. “Well… I’ve always looked up to him. He keeps me in check and is putting me on the correct path to becoming a hero.” The simple, stupid lie felt like acid on his tongue. He couldn’t even stand pretending to praise the man. “What about you? Why All Might?”

They shrugged. “I dunno… I want to be like him someday… But… I want to be better. I don’t want people to feel like they’re villains just because they don’t have the ideal quirk. I want them to also know that they can make a difference in this world just like a hero can. And I want people without quirks to know that too,” They said, getting that same bright look in their face they had when they first walked in, “I’ve always thought the hero commission was fucked, but maybe if a few good heroes step in, it’ll better…?”

Keigo hummed, nodding his head. “I’ve always thought the same thing. The hero commission is so damaged.” Keigo agreed. He could listen to them speak for hours. He was in absolute awe from the way they made him feel.

After that day, Keigo drug himself to his bedroom in his dorm.. His body didn’t feel like it was his anymore. He had never felt this way and it was honestly overwhelming. He didn’t have anyone to speak to about it, so these feelings bottled up in his soul. He kept closing his eyes to go to sleep, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking about them. Their smile, how excited they were to do hero work. His head felt all cloudy, his heart felt like it was heavy. Finally he could feel something, he hated it.

It felt like his head was pounding. Keigo coldn’t get them off his mind. They’d only met and spoken to each other once, why was he feeling like this? This wasn’t him falling in love, right?

“That’s childish… It can’t be..” he mumbled to himself, laying down flat against his pillow. He could hear faint footsteps but he’d just assumed it was Endeavor walking around the hallways to make sure he was sleeping before he left for his own home.

“Hey..” Y/N knocked on his cracked door, biting down on their bottom lip, “Birdbrain… You awake?” They whisper-yelled, peeking into his room.

Keigo squinted at the door, sitting up in his bed. “Why’re you awake? Endeavor’s gonna be upset..” he told them, pushing the blankets off of his legs to walk over to them. 

They shrugged, opening the door a bit wider. “It’s fine. I wanted to show you something… it might be something you already know about, but I thought it would make you kinda happy.” They reached for his wrist, tugging it towards their dorm room.

They smiled, rushing him over to the window. “I noticed if you can fit through the window, you could sit on the roof… I thought it would be kinda cool for us to look at the stars or something and talk. Since I’m gonna be here for awhile, we might as well become friends, right?”

That stupid fucking smile.

Keigo nodded slowly, looking outside. “There are guards down there… what if they see us?” Keigo bit down on his lip. To Keigo, it wasn’t a matter of ‘what if they see us?’, it was a matter of ‘what if they see me?’. They wouldn’t get in trouble, but Keigo would be punished if they thought he was sneaking out.

“If we get in trouble, I’ll take the blame. Just do this with me, please?” They asked, unlocking the window. They slid it open, crawling out of the window. They turned to face Keigo, offering a hand to help him out.

Keigo stared at their hand for a minute. He was getting that dumb feeling again. His hands felt shaky, his cheeks felt like they were burning hot, his heart was pounding like it was doing flips in his chest. He took their hand, using it to get onto the rooftop.

“You’re so shaky… Have you never done anything risky like this?” They giggled, turning to look at all of the stars. “It’s really beautiful up here.” They mumbled.

Keigo looked at them, then to their glossy eyes. He swallowed, nodding his head. “Yeah, it’s really pretty…” he muttered, his eyes darting down to his lap. Was this love? He hasn’t felt that since he was a child, how could he have fallen for some trainee?

“So, Keigo. What is your quirk exactly? Can you only fly?” They asked him, turning to look at the man beside them.

Keigo shook his head. “No! I mean.. No, my quirk gives me fierce wings. My feathers act as if they’re alive and move at my command. They’re good for saving people. And I can use some of them like a sword, some of them are extremely sharp.” Keigo explained to them, watching them look at his hawks in amazement. “What’s your quirk..?”

They hummed. “That’s really cool! You should take me on a flight one day,” they grinned, “and… It’s kind of lame compared to yours. I can create a sandstorm on command, small, large, whatever.” They told him. 

Keigo nodded. “That’s not lame. That sounds really interesting, actually.” Keigo felt his wings twitch. They were making him feel some type of way again. 

Keigo got lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t even notice them leaning their head against him until he heard their soft snores. Keigo turned his head, something red catching his eye. He darted his eyes over to the window, peering out. He could see Endeavor standing at the door way with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

Keigo bit his lip, turning back to the stars. He looked down at them. He couldn’t help but notice their features all over again. They were absolutely breath-taking. And they smelled fresh and sweet, he felt like he could get high off of their rich scent.  Their skin looked soft to the touch, it made him want to reach out and lay his hand on their cheek, and just stare into their eyes.

Keigo’s wings fluttered again at the sight. He bit down on his lip, letting out a deep breath. Keigo was basically at a war with himself in his head. Was it okay for him to develop a crush on someone this fast? Keigo didn’t remember what it was like to be in love, he’d lost that feeling towards his parents long ago. But looking down at them made him feel safe. As long as he was out here with them, nothing could hurt him anymore.

He could forget about everything that was hurting him. He could forget about what was trapping him inside this awful building when he was with them.

His parents couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Endeavor couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Keigo could feel tears brimming at his eyes, his bottom lip quivering. Only they could make him feel this way. No one else gave him this sense of… sense of euphoria and happiness. And the way they were speaking with him, they felt it too, right? They were in love too, right? Keigo wasn’t crazy. Keigo knew what this meant. 

This meant they were in love too.

He just knew that he couldn’t let them go. He couldn’t let someone take them from him. He needed them. He wanted to have this feeling forever. He needed to feel wanted forever. He wasn’t interpreting this wrong, this was love. This is what true love was suposed to feel like. He wrapped his wing around them, using his feathers as if they were a blanket to keep them warm.

He looked down at his shaky hands, pressing one against his pounding chest. This was all because of them. This was meant to happen… this is fate. His mind was blank. The only thing he could only think one thing,

Mine.

Mine.

They will be mine.

#bnha #hawks x reader #gender neutral imagine #mha #mha x reader #bnha x reader #keigo takami x reader #keigo takami #yagami yato #x reader #yandere #yandere hawks #yandere keigo #yandere keigo x reader #slow burn #yandere hawks x reader