#what if your therapist and my therapist compared notes

[animatedtext]

#gif #transparent #animatedtext #wordart #what if your therapist and my therapist compared notes

[bumblequinn]

hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.

as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)

but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:

changing expectations

the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!

my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.

when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.

so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?

with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.

with that in mind:

#1: work slower

when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.

instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.

i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!

now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.

doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.

however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:

#2: switch projects

sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.

this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.

the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.

what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.

but it doesn't have to stop there.

#3: switch focus

maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?

let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:

what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today. okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now. alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily? what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?

and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?

what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for? what if i try sampling something obscure? what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?

any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.

or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.

but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:

#4: learn something new

when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.

for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴‍☠️)

it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)

that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:

music theory and composition music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang

mixing and production dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix

general inspiration nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!

(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)

of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:

#5: consume art you love

not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.

but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.

and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.

what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.

as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.

none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.

and finally,

#6: rest, and live your life

let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?

take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).

it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.

i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.

when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)

before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:

be kind to yourself.

being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.

i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.

thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.

with care, bee 🐦

#adhd #advice #asks #from #sourpatchsquids

[pr3ttyb0ym2g]

MANAGER ꒰VEES 𝘅 gn! 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳꒱ PART 1: Velvette's Favoritism

𝙎𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮 ;; Platonic. In which you're the Vees/VVV's very valued manager, a collection. 𝘼/𝙉 ;; I just love their dynamic smm oml. I can't stop myself. Will write SO MUCH more and add onto this collection!!

☆ You applied on a whim, applying for Velvette's social media team, and unexpectedly landed the job. A job you were probably the least qualified for compared to the other applications ☆ And you weren't the only member of Velvette's team of course, there were several others, but as weeks went by, many were fired for either pissing off Velvette or just not living up to her expectations ☆ You kept your job as you never talked back or shit-talked her, doing your workload and pleasing the young overlord ☆ Velvette continued to fire employees overtime, narrowing her attention onto you, one of her now-experienced employees ☆ She came to you more and yet you never scrambled under all the pressure; you remained calm and did your job ☆ Even jobs you never signed up for, like getting her coffee and such. (Those were her assistant's tasks) ☆ Or bat-shit crazy tasks, again, never complaining and just holding back your disgusted expressions ☆ You never noticed, but many other employees began to dislike your presence ☆ Velvette favored you too much now ☆ She began calling you by name and addressing you properly, compared to everyone else, this was a new level ☆ Her other employees were just "somebody", but you were "[name]" ★ "Bloody hell! Somebody get [name] right now!" ☆ Being Velvette's favorite did come with perks and pet names, she called you "darling" more often than anyone else, and treated you with more care than others ★ "Oh lovely, you did just what I asked. Now go rest, kisses darling." ☆ All the attention increased ten fold after her assistant was fired for sleeping with one of Velvette's best selling models, somehow getting an STD and giving Velvette a PR nightmare ☆ You were immediately promoted as her assistant ☆ But becoming her assistant just made your work load much heavier, now you're covering everything she needed you to ☆ Assisting several departments, handling scheduling and shoots of everyone (from the models to Velvette's), guiding the current media staff, and so much more ☆ You followed her like a shadow, you noted everything she said while simultaneously doing every other task that had to be done ☆ Because you did a huge bundle of work and held a great matter of importance, Velvette gave you her phone number as well as access to higher floors of the Vee tower, something extremely personal ☆ But one day you overheard an exchange between Velvette and Valentino, one you realized you shouldn't be listening to, after only trying to speak with your boss about a drop in views

★ "Don't look at [name], Valentino! Don't even think about it." ✦ "What? I didn't do anything yet." ★ "I know what you're thinking, [name] will not become one of your porn stars." ✦ "Shame, they have the body and face for it." ★ "Do not fuck with me. They're one of the only employees I give any shits about." ✦ "Okay, okay amorcito, I understand." ☆ Velvette openly expressed her favoritism with the other Vee, given that they were close ☆ And Valentino was quick to surrender his plan on recruiting you, seeing as Velvette genuinely liked you (more than her favorite models that he ripped up the week prior) ☆ You weren't really sure how to react to that and you never did, pretending you never heard a peep ☆ So you left before you heard any more, not wanting to hear what other unexpected topics would be brought up ☆ Velvette has since never been seen without you ☆ She spoke to you about whatever was on her mind, no longer just asking for something to be done ☆ She would order you to sit with her on some couch and just talk ☆ You felt as though you got indirectly promoted to Velvette's personal therapist ★ "Ugh, and I can't believe that bitch has the nerve to insult my outfit when she's wearing fucking plaid!" ☆ Velvette also wore plaid. ☆ But her defense was: she wasn't dressing like an "old hag", so she could actually pull it off ☆ You sat and listened for endless hours, never taking your eyes off her

☆ Velvette highly appreciated this since Vox and Valentino both had their own jobs they were busy with ★ "But at least you listen to me, don't you [name]?" ☆ You only nodded in agreement, reassuring her

#gn reader #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel #hazbin vox #hazbin hotel x you #hazbin hotel x y/n #fanfiction #fanfic #hazbin spoilers #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin hotel valentino #hazbin hotel velvette #vivzieverse #vivziepop #hazbin headcanons #hazbin hotel headcanon

[misguidedasgardian]

I need to (12)

... Have you

MASTERLIST

Summary: Your few first times with Cregan

Pairings: Cregan Stark x Fem!Reader 

Warnings: cursing, drinking, horny people, PDA, teasing, smut, a bit akward amut, it's their first time alright? haha, use of preservatives and discussions about birthcontrol, might miss some warnings, you know what this is about jeje, reader is a carnivour

Wordcount: 3.8 k

Notes: I was going to put this in warnings hahaha but I think, if you want, listen to “can’t keep my hands to myself”

“There is something I’ve wanted to try for a few weeks now”, you said lowly, your eyes sparkling, Cregan looked back at you with interest

“Oh yeah?”, he purred

“Yeah”, you sighed, passing on his coffee, he took a long sip, not breaking eye contact with you, as you did the same with your chocolate induced coffee

And then you locked lips

It was as delicious as you imagined, coffee, chocolate, cinnamon, Cregan… Mmmm

And then, you split when you heard Sara making retching noises

“You are going to give me diabetes with all this sweetness”, she mocked, while Jacaerys pretended to make himself sick by putting his index finger on his mouth

“Very funny”, mocked Cregan, finally turning to them

“I thought you were rooting for us”, you said, feigning to be offended

“Yes but this PDA is just getting out of hand”, muttered Sara

“So, where are you going on saturday?”, asked Jace

“It’s a surprise”, he said, placing an arm over your shoulders 

It’s been a week since the party, and you had been with Cregan every time you could after classes

You felt a like a little girl with her first crush

You were advancing slowly, tomorrow you were going on your first official date, and you couldn’t wait for it 

He was acting… more handsy, and you think he was expecting you to go back to his place after… and that got you a bit nervous

Sara immediately saw your change in attitude

“My gorgeous friend and I need to get to class” she said, standing from her seat and grabbing you, you didn’t complained, grab your coffee a last peck to Cregan and walked away with Sara

“What’s going on?”, she asked quickly

“Nothing”, you muttered

“Don’t lie”

“Nothing I just… think that Cregan would like for me to spend the night, and I’m so nervous”

“Don’t feel pressured”

“I won’t is just… the the only person I had sex with really did a work on me, I have only been with one person before, and I’m nervous”

“That is understandable”, she offered, “talk to him”

“I’m done talking, I want to show him how much I care and want him”

“Your chemistry is great, I’m sure you will be fine”, she assured you, “but don’t feel pressured” 

“I won’t”, you said

You were nervous, what if… you didn’t perform correctly? What if he didn’t? What if it was weird?

Aemond was your first, you were his first, you were really young, horny, and as his family sexually repressed him, you were really ignorant, and learned on the go, together… you were really… you wanted to try new things… Aemond… not so much

You didn’t want to compare, but… he was the only experience you had

It was quick, to quench your thirst as it were, not very personal even though you always felt strange, like he was using you to satisfy his needs and that’s it… 

You shouldn’t compare, but again, you weren’t, you just had… a very limited experience 

You had nothing to compare it to

You did not had classes at this hour, but you did had therapy, and it was a great opportunity to talk about this with her 

But with Cregan everything felt so right, so amazing and sweet, it was going to be fine

Your therapy session went great, and your therapist just advised you to “go with the flow” regarding the night, and well, other things that made complete sense

You could breathe a bit lighter and even though you just saw him this morning, you wanted to see Cregan again! 

What was up with you???

But you hold on a laugh, class was done for the week and you were ready for your date, but you also wanted to distract yourself, so you went back to your dorm with Sara’s and your’s favourite sandwiches and a soda

“Should I wait for you?”, Sara teased, you laughed nervously, as you finished applying your favourite shade of lipstick

After being all day worrying and being nervous, you decided to play to your strengths, you wore comfortable shoes and pants, but with your favourite, more fancy shirt, and nice accessories, and your favourite look in makeup and hair

Cregan already knew who you were, what you looked like, but you wanted him to be pleasantly surprised, besides, you used your favourite and most sexy lingerie… just in case

Just in case

Either way you felt more sexy like this 

“I’m outside”, ringed a text from Cregan, you shrieked

“He is here!”

“Go you idiot!”

“Wait, what are you going to do tonight?”

“Don’t go to your and Cregan’s date, that's for sure!”, she mocked

“Sorry alright…. See you!”

You ran down the stairs almost endangering yourself, and then… then you saw him, waiting for you, he wore a beautiful smile on his face, a nice dressing shirt, leather jacket, and slick jeans… he looked so handsome

You threw yourself in his arms and he laughed as he held you

“For you”, he said when he released you, giving you a simple and yet beautiful bouquet of flowers, with northerners' flowers. You kissed him softly

“They are beautiful”, you whispered

“Just like you”, he said back, you giggled

“Sooo cheezy”

“Shall we…? My lady?”, he asked pompous, offering you his arm, you laughed loudly, taking it

“Sure my loooord”

He directed you to the road that led to campus, and you gasped when you saw it, a classic car, a beautiful model and colour

“Cregan!”, you gasped

“It was my parent’s”, he said softly, “I only drive it in special occasions”, you gave him a bright smile

“This is so amazing Cregan”, he went ahead and opened the door for you, and you looked at him, standing like that waiting for you, you wanted to cry, you felt butterflies in your belly, you felt so happy and excited

You climbed into the car and he close the door for you to ran around the car and jump in

“So… where are we going?”. You asked him

“Do you like Yi-Ti food?”. You nodded enthusiastically. He smiled softly 

He drove flawlessly trough the city streets, it was a whole new perspective from the caar and you couldn’t stop watching outside the buildings and streets

And the place he took you to?

It was breathtaking

All designed in Yi-Ti fashion and colours, it was a real restaurant from that country, inspired food and decorations, the vibrant colours.

You ordered things to share, as you sat on a secluded spot, a small booth

“I want to know all about you”, he confused

“That is a lot”, you laughed

“Where did you spend your school years?”, he asked

“King’s Landing”, you answered, “there was a year in between which i lived in Casterly Rock, but it didn’t quite do it for me, so my godmother decided to move with me back to my home”, you said, “how about you?”

“Here, all my life”, he admitted

“Would you like to see more?”

“Of course”, he answered, “when I get off of college”

“That sounds like the time”, you were interrupted when they brought you the food, an assortment

You weren’t a big “sharer”, and that made you laugh, but you were willing to start, with Cregan, he seemed to read your mind, and laughed with you

“I will not share dessert”, you teased

“Great, me neither”, he said back, and you both laughed together

“Are you nervous?”, he asked softly, you shook your head

“A bit, yes”, you confessed

“You don’t have to be’, he said dismissively, he grabbed the chopsticks and took a piece of the food, looking straight at you, he fed you the piece and you ate it happily

And that made you shake, you felt goosebumps all over your arms

“Let me”, you tried, and you picked a piece and fed him with it

“Are you still nervous?”, he teased

“No”, you answered truthfully 

It was such an intimate gesture… but it felt so right

You were seated on a booth but decided to sit only in one side of it 

And you talked, all night

He couldn’t drink, because he was driving, and you wanted to sympathise, even though you felt like one drink could ease your nerves, but somehow, being sober only made you feel things more clearly

As he spoke about the things he enjoyed, and how his eyes sparkled, you realised you felt nervous over nothing, you were so ready to be with him 

By the time the desserts arrived, you realised that what he ordered looked even better than what you ordered

“Yours looks better”, he mumbled

“Alright maybe I’m willing to change my rule”, you relented, you were the first to steal a bit of his desert, and he laughed and stole one piece of yours

It was a great date, not only because of the electricity running between the two of you, but because he was the perfect gentleman, he got you, in a sense, you enjoyed the same things but different, you like the same genres of music, but different bands, you liked the same sports, but different teams, you liked the same topics in books, but somehow different, and that was so entertaining.

And as soon as you got in the car, alone, more intimate, you started kissing again, more passionately, heatedly, you were desperate for him, and he was desperate for you 

“Want me to take you home?”, he asked, his pupils were blown out, his skin was heated… yours was too

“Can we go to yours?”, you asked him, and he smiled, like he was relieved

“Yes, yes please”, you laughed, he drove fairly quickly back to his apartment building

You were touching all the way up to his floor, his hand on your, or in your lower back to guide you, you even sneaked a hand in his pocket

You were so ready

When the elevator dinged you almost jumped off of it

You were holding hands, a complicent look on your faces, heated cheeks when you both reached the door to his palace. 

You were ready, you were wanting, you wanted to climb your Cregan like he was a tree, yes, let’s do it

He opened the door to the apartment, and…

For fucks sake

It was a freaking party happening

The apartment was swarmed with people

“What is this?”, asked Cregan, the place was small, so in the midst of all of them appeared Jace

“Sorry, I just… I hung out with the boys of the team and they wanted to keep it going…”

“So you offered our place?”, asked Cregan, he looked back at you and your horrified face, but you tried to smile

“It’s alright”, you said softly, Jace leaned in and whispered into Cregan

“I thought that you were going to take her home”, he whispered, “in your chivalrous crap”

“I thought so too”, Cregan whispered back, he turned and looked at you

“You can still stay”, he said softly. You didn't want to leave… you wanted to be with Cregan, although the prospect of a romantic first time/night with him was far from happening, you still wanted to stay a bit longer

“Sure” 

There were mainly boys, but they inviting their girlfriends, and girl friends, Sara wasn’t here and you wondered why

“I need to take care of something”, he whispered huskily, and you only giggled, “but then we can have a drink”, the prospect of being alone inside a place with people you didn’t know didn’t appealed to you, you smirked

“Want some help?”, you asked, Cregan’s eyes shined mischievously

“Really?”, he asked, smirking

“Let’s go”, you whispered, he smiled widely, taking your hand

“I know this is not as romantic as I have planned”

“It's fine”, you said simply, “parties do make me a bit horny if I had to admit”, you shared looks before he opened the door to his room

You both screamed when you saw two figures on his bed, at you coming inside, one of them, the one that was on top, rolled off, getting off of the other, who turned out to be…

“Get the fuck off my bed Robb!”, growled Cregan, you had never seen him so angry before

“Calm down little cousin”, he mocked

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”, he asked, “get out!”, his fly was down, you looked away

“Relax, we were just having some fun”, he said dismissively 

“Go to your house then”, he said, Robb stood up from the bed, shamesly fixing his pants while his “date”, rushed pass you both

“Sorry”, she lamented

“Oh I’m sorry, I thought that you were out…”, he said mockingly, he carried himself like he was the owner of the world, he then turned to you, “Did I interrupted something?”, he asked

“That is none of your business”, he said

“You deserve better than this”, he said, looking at you with a smile

“Like a trashy room in a trashy house?”, you asked, mocking him, “this is just fine”, you said back, defending Cregan, who was a tidy, organised, responsible guy… seemed like

“Whatever, I hope I didn't ruin anything”. He said mockingly, walking away. You both shared looks, and then to the bed in disarray

You sighed, even though you didn’t have them, you felt blue-balled 

Cregan did as well

“Sorry, I’m not… sleeping in there”, he said

“Yeah, me neither”, you giggled, you then looked at him, “let’s go to my dorm”, you offered, “Sara is there, but, we can sleep”

“I’d love that”

You walked back to campus, and when you entered the room, Cregan took his dress shirt, revealing his simple shirt underneath

You both got inside the sheets, you in a cotton shirt and pants, and him in his underwear and shirt. You didn’t feel nervous, you had slept together before, but not like this, Cregan’s bed was bigger than yours… so… 

“This isn’t the romantic evening I had in mind”, he whispered, you giggled

“It’s fine”, you whisper back in the dark

“Can I hug you?”, the bed was small, and you were somehow trying to avoid touching each other 

“Please”, you said back, he did, he held you in his arms and you felt him, all of him

Sara was sleeping next to you, you were not going to do anything, but it felt so sweet, holding each other like that 

Sunday rolled around and Cregan left before Sara even woke up, she was a heavy sleeper

When she did woke up and saw you sleeping right next to her, she whined

“No!”

“Hells, good morning to you too”, you mocked

“Why are you here?”, she asked

“Because last night we try to go to his, but there was a party going on and Robb was getting blown on Cregan’s room”, you resumed

“THAT FUCKER”

“Cock-blocker”, you corrected, “do you think that he did it on purpose?”, you asked back

“Yes”, she said sincerely, “he is a evil mastermind”

“What do we do?”, you asked, she whined

“I’ll get Jace out of there tonight, you just go and jump him”

“Great”

You knew for a fact that Cregan was staying home tonight, it was Sunday after all 

So as the day rolled around, and the sun was hiding on the horizon, you ran to the tavern, and order a big, big set of ribs, and a six pack of beer, and you went gingerly to Cregan’s place, to surprise him

You knew that Jace wasn’t there, so when Cregan opened the door, he smiled widely

“It’s you”

“It’s me”, you teased, and only then, when you were seeing each other for the seventh day in the week, you felt self conscious, “is it too much?”, you asked, raising your hand with the ribs

“Never”, he answered, “because I was about to ask you to come”

“Really?”, you asked, as he let you pass

“Yes, because I had something fixed…”, you left the wings in the table of the dining room, and then he grabbed your hand and took you to his room

You gasped when you saw he had purchased a new set of sheets, a bed cover, and pillow cases

“I also did this”, he said, pointing at the door knob where you saw a new lock installed

“Cregan”, you whispered, he leaned in and kissed your cheek

“New relationship, deserves new sheets, right?”, he asked, “I don’t know why my cousin is giving us a hard time, but… this is my home, and I want it to be our safe space”

“I want that too”, you said

“Great, and i’m starving”, he teased

“Let’s eat”, you said, so happy, you opened the beers, you sat on the couch and while you watched a movie, you ate the best ribs

“So this counts as a second date, right?”, he asked

“Of course, wouldn’t like you thinking I’m so easy”, you laughed

“Never”, he said 

You kept watching the movie after you finished the ribs, you tried to concentrate but you felt Cregan’s gaze on you, his heavy, heavy gaze, you looked at him with a smile on your face

“What?”, you laughed

“You have a bit of sauce”, he whispered huskily

“I’m a messy eater”, he leaned in kissed you on your cheek, and then, he licked the corner of your lips, you let out a soft moan, it wasn’t at all pleasurable, but it was sort of herotic

“I’ve been wanting to do that since the first time I saw you” he confessed

“Lucky us, now you can do it everytime you like”, you teased

Your lips finally collided in a heated, wet, messy kiss

“We should wash our hands and mouths”, you muttered when he abandoned yours

“Fuck it”, it was needy, it tasted like BBQ Sauce and beer, and somehow, it was so pleasurable, “I don’t want to assume, but… do you want to…?”

“Take me to your room”, you begged 

“Oh great”, you stood up, not caring how, you felt like you were levitating, you barely left each other's bodies and stumbled towards his room at the end of the hallway

When finally the door close behind you, he started undressing you, first your top and then his

“Can I undress you?”, he asked

“Yes!”, you teased, you took of your shoes as he did his, and then his big, soft hands went to the button of your jeans, undoing it

This wasn’t the time to feel self-conscious, you were all in, and so was him, you felt like you didn’t have to worry about such things with him.

You felt to the bed, only in your underwear

“Are you sure?”, he asked again, abandoning your mouth to drop open mouthed kisses in your jaw and then neck

“Yes please, have me!”, you begged him 

Maybe you were rushing it, you have known him since like three months, and been relatively dating for a week, but you didn’t care, not anymore

You felt his hand sneaking to your back, and he undid your bra, getting rid of it swiftly

It was so different, all of it

“You are so fucking gorgeous”, he whispered, leaning in and kissing one of your breasts

You moaned, feeling electric 

“So fucking delicious”

“Cregan”, your hand were everywhere you could reach with him, his face, shoulders sides, until you reached to the edge of his boxers

“Wait one sec”, he said, and quickly jumped out of the bed and ran out, you shrieked, covering yourself, you felt his feet padding away, and quickly back

“Sorry, I wanted to buy, then then i didn’t want to assume”, you laughed when you saw that he stole a condom from Jace

“Please get back here!”, you demanded, covering your breasts

“Sorry”, he jumped back in, directly into your arms, and his mouth founds yours

You felt a bit brave, and you touched him until you found.

You moaned, it was… big, you smiled widely at his mouth

“Oh you liked that, didn’t you?”, he teased

“Mhm”, you hummed, he in turn, reached your centre, gently, slowly, over your panties, and only that had you buckling your hips against his hand

“Fuck Cregan, I need you”, you begged, touching his cock until you felt him twitch under your fingers

“Yeah”, he moaned.

You took off each other’s last piece of clothing, it was dark, so you didn’t get to see him. 

You spread your legs for him, finally feeling how wet you were, you wanted him so badly 

He put on his condom, and accommodated himself between your legs. He kissed you hungrily, tenderly, as he entered you slowly, it fit inside so perfectly, it had you both moaning and panting 

“You feel s good around me”, he confessed against your mouth, your mind was elsewhere, only being able to whisper his name, like a prayer 

He retrieved himself only to snap his hips back into you, making you moan loudly

“Wait wait wait”, you called, Cregan looked down at you, stopping his movements, “could be go slow?”, you asked him

“You want to stop?”, he asked, concerned 

“No, no”, you released a sigh, smiling warmly, “I just… want to enjoy it, slowly”, he smiled leaning in and kissing you

“I got you”, he whispered sweetly. He held you as he made love to you, his hips snapping at your centre, sensually, slowly, you could feel every inch, every ridge and vein of his cock as he thrusted into you

You let out the most delicious and delicate sounds as you hugged him against you caressing his shoulders, arms, sides, as he cradled your face

“Look at me”, he begged sweetly, and you did

This wasn’t fucking, this was more slow, more intimate, you were connecting in the most primal and beautiful of ways. His eyes looked down to yours, his beautiful eyes.

He leaned in and kissed you as he fucked you

You never thought it could felt like this

Your climax washed over you like a tidal wave, unexpected, and it felt so so good

“Fuck”, Cregan could feel it, “you are squeezing me darling, did you cum? You are such a good girl”, his praising only made you ride out your own orgasm for longer, moaning wantonly. You hugged his hips with yours legs, drawing him even more into you, your hands on his hips, “oh that’s it, guide me, I’m yours”, he murmured against your mouth

You didn’t want this to end.

But Cregan couldn’t hold it any longer either, he cummed with a grunt, hiding his face in your neck, hugging you tightly against him

You stayed there, regaining your breaths, holding each other.

That had been so… 

So…

“Fucking amazing”, he whispered, kissing where he had his mouth, “are you alright?”, he asked sweetly

“Cregan?”, you called

“Yes?”, he leaned back, looking down into your eyes 

“That was incredible”, you said with a wide smile , he kissed you tenderly

“I’m never letting you go”, he whispered caressing your face, “you are so perfect”

“You are the perfect one”, you whispered, with a last kiss, he sealed the night, before you got inside the sheets and slept holding each other

taglist!

@mxtokko @princesssterek @thefandomimagines @iamavailablesstuff @misspascalpunk @sweethoneyblossom1 @ipostwhtifeel @lunamoonbby @ahristata @watercolorskyy @yazzzmints @n4tforlife @littleshadow17 @alexa4040 @speedyballoonpainter @hc-geralt-23 @rayrayredpanda @eralen @yentroucnagol @valeskafics @iloveallmyboys @schadenfreude-and-sarcasm @ttkttt @aleemendoza2425-blog @drwstarkeyy @casualfansoul @urmomsgirlfriend1 @bruher @@toms-cherry-trees @happinessinthebeing

#misguidedneed #cregan x y/n #cregan x reader #cregan stark x reader #cregan stark #cregan #hbo house of the dragon #house of the dragon

[nonbinarylesbianherb]

just a rant about Jinx from arcane—

The way people separate jinx compared to her younger self powder is something i never fully understood or agreed with myself. Whilst her pre and her after trauma are very different characters, to me they are still synonymous. I’m sure jinx thinking back on her childhood probably feels so far away to who she is now, but she is still deep down powder.

In the same way powder is deep down jinx.

Jinx existed before episode 3.

I agree when people say they see elements of powder in jinx, but something I also see are elements of jinx in powder.

When I say elements of Jinx in powder, I imagine giving a name to the already existing insecurities Powder had.

Powder felt she was falling behind, her friends would say she was a setback to them, a jinx, bad-luck. Her creations never worked, always managed to mess up, she never felt fully capable.

Her insecurities of not feeling good enough, that she was setup for failure, even if she tried so hard to succeed, that was the start of Jinx.

Something my therapist recommended I do is to name the part of me that has all these negative thoughts and ideas. Name it something other than my own name to separate it from myself. So that when I notice these things I can say that’s not me, I won’t listen to you, we’re not the same, you don’t control me.

But it is me, it is. And I know that. (side note- there’s nothing wrong with that. You make up yourself, and so do your own insecurities, whilst they are bad, they are still you. This strategy works for some people, to seperate, but from my own perspective for myself, I cannot separate it fully, because to me that is still me, and I recognise that.)

In the same way Powder is jinx, and jinx is powder. They are the same, whilst they may walk different paths, they are always connected.

Jinx is powders insecurities, doubts, sadness, grief, etc.

Jinx has always been there.

The thing is, Vi was also always there too. To counter those thoughts and ideas, to stand up for powder if she did not stand up for herself.

So for the very person that was stopping you from falling too far into yourself, to blame you and call you everything you’ve ever feared of being. Of course it’s a breaking point.

And I think Vi leaving her, and her only having Silco now made it worse. She fully embraced herself, and whilst it’s good that silco embraced jinx and loved her as she was, he also enabled her.

People say the last episode is when Powder is truly “gone” and all that’s left is Jinx, but I don’t see it that way.

Vi is looking for powder, trying to get to powder, but she doesn’t realise that they aren’t individual anymore, its all the same person.

I think Jinx sees Vi trying to do this and feels hurt, because to her Vi doesnt want her, she wants powder, just powder, even though theres never been a just powder. And by now, Jinx has grown and changed, whilst she is still powder, she cannot take away her trauma. That is something that will always live with her, Jinx is something that will always be there.

I do believe Vi can love Jinx, can recognise jinx as powder and powder as jinx, but Vi will not enable Jinx like Silco had, and to Jinx, that feels like rejection.

Anyway I dont know if any of this even makes sense this is my 2am rambles. This is my personal opinion and how I view it, not everyone thinks the same as this and thats fine

gonna give her lots lots lots of hugs because god knows what s2 has prepared for her

#arcane jinx #jinx arcane #jinx #powder arcane #arcane #arcane show #vi and powder #vi and jinx #just like me fr #jinx i will love you forever

[crazyunsexycool]

Unbreakable

Chapter 8

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 4.2K

Warning: ANGST!, FLUFF!!!!!!!!, talk of past domestic abuse, talk of past rape, a small time jump, Steve being a supportive boyfriend.

A/n: I love these two so much. Reader finally tells Steve what her relationship with her ex was like. The second half of the chapter is full of fluff so I hope that makes up for it!!!

Series Masterlist

It had been a few weeks since your first date with Steve and things couldn’t be going better. No one had ever cared for you the way he had. Not your boyfriend in high school or college and definitely not your ex David. You found yourself comparing them all the time. There were pages upon pages of comparison notes in your current notebook. It wasn’t on purpose but you couldn’t help it either. Your therapist did sit down with you and discuss your fears based on those lists. The first being that things wouldn’t be as they seemed. But you had seen Steve get angry and he never directed it at anyone. Still trust was something you were working on but Steve made it easier.  

After talking it over with your therapist and thinking it over yourself you decided it was time to tell Steve about your past relationship. That conversation wouldn’t be easy at all. There was a chance that he could reject you and you had prepared yourself for that as best as you could. 

You thought about what you wanted to say to Steve as you finished one of Marvin’s evening walks. There’s a familiar rumbling of a motorcycle the closer you get to your building and then you see Steve’s large frame moving towards the door. You called his name and his head whipped around so fast you thought it would snap off. The smile he sent your way was radiant. 

“Hey.” Steve greeted you, taking your free hand and placing a tender kiss on your knuckles. “Were you at the park?” 

“No, just a quick walk around the block.” 

You pushed yourself up on your toes to kiss his cheek as he hummed a noise of acknowledgement.

“These are for you.” He held out a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

“Steve, they're beautiful. What’s the occasion?” 

“No occasion. I was just thinking about you and I drove by a flower shop. Thought I’d get you something.” 

You felt heat rise to your cheeks. Still you tugged on his shirt so that he’d meet you halfway in order for you to thank him with a proper kiss. 

“I love them, thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.”

“Let’s head inside.” You say as you pull out the keys to the main door of the building.

****

Once inside your apartment and your flowers arranged in a vase you sat down with Steve on the couch. You were anxious about even having to bring the subject up and apparently very clear that something was wrong. 

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Steve took your hand in his gently. His touch grounded you. 

“Nothing’s wrong. I just-there’s something I want to talk to you about.” 

“Ok. I’m here whenever you’re ready. There’s no rush on my part.” 

You smile at him. He made it so easy to talk to him, to open up and to even fall for him. 

“I feel like for this relationship to keep going in the right direction, I need to tell you about what I went through with my ex. Just because I think it’s important for you to understand me better.” 

Steve’s expression was calm but inside he was already feeling anger that you even had to go through what you did. 

“Ok, but only if you want to tell me. And we can stop whenever you want. I’m here for you no matter what.” Steve gives you a small reassuring smile.

You took a deep breath and gave a small nod. This was it, now or never.

“When I first started dating David things were fine. He was nice, friendly, he planned dates and was respectful. The problems didn’t start until we had been living together for a year.” You took a deep breath. Tears are already starting to gather in your eyes but you keep going. “The first time he hit me it happened so fast that I didn’t realize it until my cheek started to sting. It was over something so stupid I can’t even remember what it was. After that it turned into him coming home and choking until I passed out because he had a bad day at work or hitting me because I didn’t fold his laundry right.” 

Steve listens as you tell him of some of the things David had done to you, the mixture of physical, verbal and mental abuse. He was angry for you, enraged that he couldn’t face David and do to him what he had done to you. Marvin moves to rest his head on your to bring you comfort. 

“There was one year, we had a snowstorm and we were going to be stuck at home for a few days. I went shopping before coming home and I thought I got everything we needed. That night he woke me up by grabbing me by my hair and dragging me out of bed because I forgot his beer. He kicked me over and over again until I could barely move. Then he tied me up and he kept me like that for hours. He’d leave me alone and then come and beat me some more. I remember at one point screaming at the top of my lungs before passing out. Next thing I know I’m waking up in the hospital and being treated. He convinced the cops and doctors that he walked in on someone trying to steal from our place. ”

“Sweetheart-” Steve’s voice broke and he could only reach out to you and take your hand. “That’s horrible. I’m sorry you ever met him.”

“Me too.” You wiped away a few tears. “A few days after that was the first time he forced me to have sex with him. I tried to fight but I was still recovering, everything hurt and it just made him angrier.” 

Steve’s breath hitched and he felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He had an inkling feeling that you had gone through something like that but to hear you confirm it had him reeling. Steve stood and turned away from you in hopes of hiding his emotions from you. This moment wasn’t about him, it was about you and you needed him to be strong. Marvin whines a bit as he nudged your thigh with his nose. 

“Steve-”

“I’m ok.”

“I can stop.” You sniffle and he turns around to face you. “I know it’s not an easy topic.” 

Steve sits again and he reaches for your hand and hesitates but you reach out for him. 

“I’ll do whatever you want. If you want to stop we will.” 

You nod. “Most people ask why I didn’t leave. I know you have to be wondering the same thing.” 

“No. I can’t begin to imagine how you were feeling and what else you went through. You survived and that’s what matters.”

“I almost didn’t though. My family basically turned their back on me and I had nowhere to go.” You say before you explain what happened the day of the blip. “I wanted to leave so many times before that but he had made me feel so worthless. Like no one else would ever care about me. I didn’t even know where to go either, I was so alone and so lost. If it hadn’t been for the blip…” your voice trailed off as you thought about that moment again. 

Then you explained to Steve some of the injuries you received, all of the broken bones, split lips, concussions, the need for your glasses and the scar on your chest from where you had been stabbed. You explain that you suffered from PTSD and panic attacks and those were the reason you had Marvin. After you were done it felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders. Well almost, there was still a chance that Steve would not want to be with you after that but it was a risk you had to take. 

“I’d understand if you didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as me.”

“You can’t be serious?” Steve gave you an incredulous look. “I know that living through that wasn’t easy and if you don’t want to be with me I can understand that. But trust me Y/N I want nothing more than to be by your side. I want to show you how you deserve to be treated and I want to be here for you in whatever way you want me to be. During the good and especially during the bad.” 

“You don’t think I’m broken?” You sniffle and refuse to meet his eye. 

“C’mere.” Steve tugged you until you ended up seated sideways on his lap. He raised your chin up so that you would look at him. “I don’t think you are broken. You fought to live and to be here now. You amaze me by not letting what happened to you define your future. All of this could have made you bitter and made you hate the world but you have shown the opposite. You’re wonderful and I’m better because I know you.”

“Steve.” You’re crying now and you loop your arms around Steve’s neck, hiding your face from him.

“All I want is to protect you and make you happy, will you let me?” 

You pull back to look up at him. He was completely sincere in his statement. You cup his cheek and run your thumb back and forth. “Only if I get to make you happy too.” 

Steve smiles and nodded before connecting his lips with yours. When he pulls back you immediately lay your head against his chest. You both stay like that for a while. Steve’s strong arms keep you close to him and his touch is soothing. This is better than what you imagined would happen and you were glad that you had told him everything. Now you could move forward without the weight of your past relationship holding you back. 

Since the day you talked to Steve about your past relationship things had been even better. You were more open and honest when you were having a bad day. There were many times when you would both sit down, him with his sketchbook and you with your journal and just spent some quiet time together while music played in the background. You didn’t compare this relationship with your last one anymore either, no longer spending your time quietly trying to figure out or waiting for red flags to make an appearance. It was good to feel this safe and cared for with Steve and you hoped he felt the same.

Steve had been surprised when you asked him to be your plus one to Lisa’s wedding. Though you thought it was time for them to meet. It was going to be a surprise for her for sure. You’d let Steve know that she had no idea that he was Captain America. He chuckled but was hopeful that he was well received by your friend. It was important to him to show those that cared about you that he was serious when it came to your well-being. 

Steve’s eyes lit up when you opened the door. You were wearing a beautiful cerulean tulle dress. It was the first time that you wore something that had any type of cleavage and it showed off the scar on your chest and some on your back. It was something you had been self conscious about but at Nat’s gentle but firm insistence you decided on this dress. You smiled up at him, his eyes popped more with the touch of color from the tie and pocket square that matched your dress. That was definitely Nat’s doing. 

“You look breathtaking.” Steve murmured as his eyes drank you in. 

“Have you seen yourself? So handsome.” 

Steve gives you a bashful smile. It baffled you sometimes how easy it was to get him flustered. You’d never tell him but it was your favorite thing to do. 

“Are you ready to go?” 

“Let me just grab my purse.” You turned and grabbed everything you needed. Then you stepped out and locked the door of your apartment. “Ok I’m ready.” You said and started heading for the stairs.

“I’m not.” 

You turn to look at Steve, confused.

“I haven’t greeted my girl properly.” She smirks as he pulls you in and kisses you. “There, that’s much better.” 

You can’t help the grin that breaks out on your face. Steve then takes the small bag that held Marvin’s things in one hand and your hand in the other. 

Lisa and Cassie’s wedding was small but beautiful. The ceremony was held in an exquisitely decorated garden and the reception was in a huge greenhouse. You had helped with some of the planning but to see their ideas come to life was amazing. While waiting for the brides to make their big entrance Steve was kind enough to take Marvin out for a quick stroll. He got back just in time to watch both women come in and head to the dance floor and share their first dance as a married couple. 

Steve had his arm around the back of your chair and you leaned into him, enjoying seeing your friend celebrating her second chance at love. 

“It’s incredible.” Steve murmured into your hair and you tilted your head back to look at him. 

“What is?” 

“To be able to see that all love is allowed to be celebrated. In the 20s and 30s they would have been persecuted.” Steve smiles as Lisa and Cassie kiss. “I know it still happens now but this is still progress.” 

“Yeah, it’s wonderful to see people able to love freely.” 

After their first dance Cassie and Lisa went to their table. Dinner was served and speeches were made. There had been murmurs during the reception about Steve being there but somehow Lisa still hadn’t seen you. It wasn’t until they were walking around the tables that she made it to you. 

“You two look so beautiful. Thank you for inviting me.” Yo say as you get up to hug the brides. 

“You look beautiful, I’m so glad you made it. And look at Marvin, he’s wearing a matching bow tie. That’s so cute.”

“I couldn’t help it. But I’d like you to meet my date. Lisa, Cassie, this is Steve.” You turn to see Steve stand up and stretch his hand out to shake theirs.

“Congratulations, it’s a wonderful wedding.” 

Lisa and Cassie are standing there with matching surprised expressions. You hide your smile behind your hand and try to stifle a giggle. They finally snap out of it and shake Steve’s hand.

“You are Steve Rogers.” Lisa says after a few seconds. 

“I am. At least the last time I checked.” 

“You didn’t tell me you were dating Steve fucking Rogers.” Lisa looks at you with wide eyes.

Steve throws his head back and laughs.

“Well his middle name isn’t fucking.”

“Y/N, not the point.” Lisa’s eyebrows furrow and she shakes her head. “You just said he worked in security and was in the military.” 

“That’s how you described my job?” 

“Well it’s true.” You turn to look at Steve. “You fought in World War Two and you’re an avenger, you literally work as security. It’s just that being an avenger is like an extreme sport.” 

Steve was laughing again. His hand on his chest and his head back. You roll your eyes but laugh too and look back at the newly weds. 

“Anyways, I didn’t tell you at first because I really wasn’t even sure anyone would believe me. Besides, it was a really new friendship.” 

“And now a full blown relationship.” She gives you a sly smile. 

“Yup.” When you turn to look at Steve he’s already looking at you fondly. “A good one too.” 

“That’s great. I’m happy for you really.” Cassie says. “You both owe us a dance each.” 

“Of course.” Steve nods and they move on to another set of guests. “What do you say, sweetheart, may I have this dance?” 

“I’m not really a dancer.”

“Neither am I but I think we can figure it out.” 

****

There was a slow song playing which was perfect for your two left feet. Steve swayed from side to side while his hands were on your waist. He kept his eyes on you the whole time, a soft smile on his lips while you sang along to the song. Marvin sat at the edge of the dance floor tracking your movements with his eyes. 

“Why did you say you aren’t a dancer? I thought dance halls were popular back in the 30s.” You looked up at him as you moved your hands from his chest to loop around his neck. 

“Well not a lot of dames wanted to dance with me back then. I wasn’t exactly the picture of a provider or protector.” 

“They’re idiots.” 

“Would you have danced with me?” He asks as he slowly turns you around the dance floor. 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? You were handsome back there too. I’m sure you were polite and honest like you are now.” 

Steve smiles before he dips you, his lips are on yours when he pulls you back up. You smile into the kiss just as the song ends. Someone clears their throat next to you and you pull away to see Lisa giving you an amused look. 

“May I steal your date for a dance?” She asked you and you looked up at Steve before nodding. Steve kisses your hand and then takes Lisa’s.

A song starts and Steve begins to lead Lisa around. He can’t help but look over and see you and Cassie in a dance of your own laughing. The smile is involuntary, it just appears whenever he looks at you. 

“Y/N’s something special isn’t she?” Lisa says in order to get his attention. 

“Yes she is.” 

“Other than the whole breaking up the team issue I’ve never heard anything bad about you as a person. Even then I think you were trying to protect and help someone.” 

“I was trying to help my best friend. I lost him during the blip.” 

“Can’t be easy to lose half of your family to a fight and then the other half to the blip.” 

Steve looked at Lisa and nodded. “Those first few months afterward were horrible.” 

“What changed?” 

“I met Y/N. It was like a switch flipped. I mean I could tell that she was going through something and she was so scared but she slowly started to let me in.” Steve started to ramble a bit about how much he cared about you, it was sweet.

“So when are you going to tell her?”

“Tell her what?” 

“That you’re in love with her.” Lisa smiled. 

“Oh, I don’t know. Isn’t it too soon? I don’t want to scare her.” 

“At least you didn’t deny it.” Lisa looks over to see you and Cassie mostly talking instead of dancing. “But don’t wait too long either. She’s been happier since you’ve been together and you deserve some happiness too. I’ve been in her shoes before. The uncertainty of a new relationship, the second guessing if we’re doing things right, the doubt that we’re good enough for this person that is so clearly much better for us. You seem to be a good man Steve and she needs that. Just don’t string her along ok?” 

“I could never.” 

“Good. Thank you for the dance.” Lisa gives him a hug. “Thank you for caring for her.” 

Steve watches as Lisa makes her way over to you and takes your hand while Cassie makes her way to him. The song is a bit more upbeat so she offers to get a drink at the bar instead. 

****

“Your man is so hot.” Lisa comments as you’re dancing around and you giggle. 

“He really is, isn't he?”You say dreamily. “But he’s so much more than that too. He’s so caring and he puts others first. He’s never made me feel like my feelings don’t matter.” You ramble about everything you love about Steve until Lisa chuckles.

“You should tell him you love him.”

“What if it’s too soon? Maybe he isn’t there yet.” 

“Trust me, he’s there already. Probably has been for a while.”

“Did he tell you something?” You asked before spinning.

“He didn’t have to say anything at all. The way he looks at you as if you’d hung the moon and the stars is enough to let me know.” Lisa wiggles her eyebrows at you. 

“Maybe I will… soon.” 

“I can’t wait to dance at your wedding.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t think that’s happening.” 

“Please. He’s going to wife you up so hard. I want a shoutout during the speech saying I called it.” Lisa laughed as she took your hands and shimmied around with you. You loosened up too and started to really get into the dance until you were both just jumping and wiggling around the dance floor without a care in the world. 

****

“You two look great together.” Cassie tells Steve from behind her glass of champagne. 

“So do you. Lisa’s amazing.” 

Cassie looks out to you and Lisa and smiles. “Yeah she is. My only regret is not having met her sooner.”

“Yeah, me too.” Steve says before taking a sip of his drink. “May I ask you something? It’s a bit personal.”

“Let me guess, how to show her support?”

Steve nods.

“Well everyone is different but there are a few things that seem to be true for those that survived domestic abuse. One of them being reassuring them that they deserve to be safe and happy and loved. Reminding them that what happened wasn’t their fault. Learning what their triggers are.”

“Triggers?” Steve looked at Cassie a bit confused.

“Yeah. Like is there a certain word or phrase that might cause them to think of their abuser. Yelling or sudden movements might give them a flashback. When that happens you might want to give her space or she might want you to hold her so that you can ground her to the present. It all depends on Y/N.”

“I hadn’t thought of that.” 

“It’s normal for us to not think about those things. Just don’t be afraid to ask her and show her that you’re there for her. There will be times when she might want to push you away, just remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what she went through. Just give her space and remind her that you’re there for her. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.” 

Steve nods and smiles when he sees you looking in his direction. A brilliant smile lights up your face as you wave him over. He’s all too happy to excuse himself and head in your direction. You’re already grabbing Marvin’s leash when he reaches you, his hand going to the small of your back. 

“Everything ok?” He asks.

“Yeah, I just wanted to take Marvin outside. Wanna come with?” 

“Yeah, I could use some air.”

“Great, let me go get my shall at the table. I’ll meet you by the door.”

“Ok. I’ll take Marvin.” 

You hand him the leash and zigzag your way through the tables. As quickly as you can you grab the wrap you brought in case you were cold and head outside. Steve is standing close to the door as Marvin sniffs around. You walk right up to him and wrap an arm around his midsection. 

“Hey.” Steve says as he places an arm around your shoulder and places a kiss on top of your head. 

“Hey, want to walk around a bit?” 

“Yeah, c’mon.” 

The two of you walk through the dimly lit garden letting Marvin stretch his legs a bit. Paper lanterns lit the walkways that snaked their way into different sections. You wandered aimlessly talking about how beautiful the wedding was. Then you found a small dance floor outside. There were fairy lights hanging from one side to the other bathing the area in a soft, warm glow. Speakers surrounded the area and music permeated the air. 

Steve took your hand and led you to the center of the outdoor dance floor. Slow, soft music was playing and Steve pulled you into his chest. His hands on your waist as you rested your hands on his shoulders. As he swayed you side to side you leaned your head against his chest. 

“Steve?” 

“Yeah?” You heard him say quietly, trying to stay in the magical bubble you were in at the moment. 

You took a deep breath. It was time that you were honest with yourself and him. 

“I need to tell you something.” 

“What is it?” He asked as he started to pull away but you pulled him back in.

“Can we stay like this?” 

“Of course. Everything ok?” 

“Yeah,” you replied nervously. “It’s more than alright actually. Steve, I’m falling in love with you.” 

You couldn’t see it but Steve smiled. 

“Don’t worry sweetheart. I’ll be right here to catch you, because I already have.” 

“What?” You asked as you pulled back to look at him. Same soft smile and fond look he always had when he looked at you was reflected back. 

“I’m in love with you. So when you’re done falling, I’ll be right here to catch you.” 

Your smile is brilliant as Steve closes the space and kisses you. How he managed to be so passionate but gentle when he kissed you would never know. But hopefully you’d have a lifetime to try and figure it out.

Ch 9

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#Unbreakable series #Steve Rogers x Reader #Captain America #Steve Rogers series #Steve Rogers Fic #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers x you #Steve Rogers fluff #Steve Rogers angst

[marvelous-slut]

Daddy Issues - Dmitri Antonov x female! reader

warnings: p in v, female implied reader, daddy issues to the max, didn’t really proof read this?? age gap, reader is 18 but in high school

not my first go around on the smut/fanfic side of tumblr but it is for stranger things & it’s been a while, I hope you folks enjoy my late night horny thoughts of this beautiful man

“love you kid, i’ll be at joyce’s tonight for a birthday dinner, you and dmitri come over.” you crumble the note and throw it in the floor, holding back tears. you loved your father jim hopper dearly, but since he returned from russia with joyce & a man you first knew as enzo, things were different.

“yeah every year we do this, we get each other a cheesy gift and bake a cake with those stupid candles that don’t blow out.” you say excitedly to jonathan, your possibly soon to be step brother. he kept quiet, knowing hopper would be at his home this evening celebrating his birthday, not with his daughter.

you run up to your room after you trash the meaningless note in the garbage. you find the shortest skirt in your wardrobe, some fishnets and a long sleeve crop top. by the time you change, your fathers new russian friend is out of the shower, ready to leave himself. he looks up to see how your dressed, very different from what he’s seen before. he immediately tries thinking of something else so his raging hard on doesn’t show.

“you ready?” you ask, grabbing the keys and heading out the door.

the two of you arrive at the byers home, you knew your father was going to have a shit fit when he saw how you were dressed. at this point, you didn’t care. if he was going to leave you hanging for a woman, why wouldn’t you act out? dmitri was silent the entire ride, thinking of how inappropriate it would be if he slid his hands under your skirt and finger fucked you. as soon as you walked through the door, it was on.

“hey hon-, what the fuck are you wearing?” he asks, harshly. you plop down on the couch.

“clothes dad, happy birthday by the way.” you reply cold, jonathan swallows the lump in his throat. he had never seen so much skin from you, but he wasn’t complaining. dmitri walks to the table, knowing things were about to go south.

“why are you dressed that way?” you see the anger in his eyes, disappointment as well. no disappointment could compare to what you felt this evening after reading his bullshit note. “did you wear that shit to school?” you laugh, standing up, pulling the skirt up as you did.

“do you really think if i did jonathan would have mentioned it? i mean he’s like a dog in heat right now and i’m just sitting here.” jonathan’s face turns red as a tomato, joyce comes from the kitchen.

“hey! don’t talk about my son like that!” she exclaims, hopper defending her. you feel your chest heating up with anger.

“oh i forgot, you’re my new mommy joyce! i have to listen to everything you say huh? sorry he’s barley keeping it in his pants over there. hey speaking of mommy, i’m moving back in with mine. fuck this!” you exclaim, shooting out the door and making sure to slam it on the way out. hopper apologizes to joyce, dmitri gets up from the table and tells hopper he will make sure you get home to cool off, and he keeps his promise.

“come on,” he says, looking down on you crying on the steps, placing his jacket around you knowing you had to be freezing. “let’s go

home.”

the whole ride home you cry, you didn’t mean to but you tell dmitri everything as if he’s your personal therapist and he listens and he understands. he feels angry with hopper, his son was back in russia and he couldn’t do anything about it for the time being, hoppers child was right in front of his face and he choses a woman over her. “i don’t know what hurts me more, the fact that he gave up something that was special to me or that he sent you to chase me after i melt down.” finally you two arrive back at home, he places his hand on your thigh, comforting you.

“let’s go inside.” once inside, something in you snapped. you look at dmitris figure, thinking of how you wanted him on top of you. you walk over to him, brushing your body against his.

“thanks for playing daddy for me.” this sends him into a spiral, he knows it’s wrong. the man who helped him get out of russia, gave him a place to live and he was going to fuck his daughter.

dmitri backs you against the wall, his bare cold hands running up your thigh. finally reaching the pathetic excuse for underwear you have on.

“you really had your father upset tonight,” he says, pushing your laced thong to the side, teasing your entrance with his finger, “i never thought such a sweet girl like you could do that.” you leaned your head back, silently begging him to finger fuck your eager cunt, there was no way he didn’t feel the wetness between your folds.

“what can i say?” you ask, mind fuzzy still not believing this is happening.

“i think someone has daddy issues.” he slips a cold finger into your throbbing pussy, making your back arch against the wall, a small moan escaping your lips. he sees how much pleasure this brings you and adds another finger, slowly pumping. “you want someone to take care of you, to protect you, to love you. someone who won’t disappoint you.” he whispers before pressing his lips against your neck, you whimper as he’s pumping his fingers in and out of you. “am i wrong?” he stops, waiting on you to reply.

“i- i. no, no you’re not.” he grins and starts moving his fingers again. using his other hand, he gently grabs a handful of your hair, slamming his lips against yours, sliding his tongue into your desperate mouth.

“good.” he pulls his fingers out, slipping them slowly into your mouth, making you taste your juices. “i’ll do that for you.” before you know it, you two are in his guest bedroom, he pulls you to the bed laying you down on your back, spreading your legs as far as they will go, pulling his jeans and boxers down in one swift motion revealing his throbbing cock. bigger than any other you had seen, which wasn’t shocking considering that number was very low.

“you taste fucking sweet,” he says, licking his fingers, “just like candy.” he uses his saliva to coat his cock, gently gliding it into your slick cunt. your back arches and you let out an ungodly moan. his hand finds it’s way to your neck, softly gripping it.

“who’s girl are you angel?” he thrusts into you slowly, his cock stretching you out even more than you imagined was possible.

“yours, i’m yours daddy.” the word drives him absolutely insane. he pulls your tits out of the skimpy shirt you wore, kneading one with his hand, his other hand playing with your clit.

“that’s right, you’re mine.” he whispers, his lips against your neck again, careful not to leave any marks as bad as he wanted to. you dug your nails into his back, not being able to hold back. it felt entirely too good having him inside of you. “this sweet tight pussy is all mine.” you feel your stomach start to knot up, grabbing onto the sheets desperately.

“you’re close aren’t you?” he asks, laughing and hurrying his face into your shoulder. you barley get out a yes before you feel yourself coming undone.

“please keep fucking me, right there. oh my god.” you scream out. “i’m gonna fucking cum.”

“Cum angel.” the words push you to the edge, he finishes right behind you.

“What the fuck is this?” your heart sinks, hearing your fathers voice boom through the room.

#dmitri antonov #dmitri antonov fanfic #dmitri antonov smut #stranger things #stranger things smut #dmitri antonov x reader #dmitri antonov x you #jim hopper #daddy issues #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fic

[nerdieforpedro]

Day Eleven - Four Leaf Clover

Word Count: 604

Warnings: mention of gas station sushi, the therapist is STRESSED, Marcus Pike being a sweetheart

Notes: Marcus Pike and our female reader are back! They're joined by her therapist, not in a sandwich. 👀 These are not those prompts. Just some humor and looking at things from a different perspective.

Main Masterlist / March Spring Prompts 2024 / Writing Challenge

Your therapist is pinching the bridge of their nose. Trying to find a constructive way to tell you you’re wrong. Well, not wrong, just…no they take that back you’re wrong. But professional. They have to be professional and therapeutic. They take a deep breath before speaking because the look on your face tells them you’re completely confused as to why they’re trying to reason with you. 

“Let’s look at this a different way. You’re wary of accepting a date from the gentleman you told me you bonded with over your butterfly painting,” The therapist’s hands are waving above their notepad, “even though, you’ve been to lunch with him twice, spent last session speaking about it in a positive light and have coffee with him as well. And…” Glasses slid toward the bottom of their nose as a finger pointed in the air, “not once according to you has he been rude, unkind or creepy. Just…”

“But I should be careful right? My last boyfriend or date or whatever ate gas station sushi and was pretty pushy with…”

“As your therapist, I would strongly encourage you to compare the two and see who one you should give a shot to. Clearly anyone who eats gas station sushi has not made good choices in life. It sounded like the man you described to me knew about different restaurants, some of which I can't pronounce.” You nod, taking in what your therapist is saying.

“I think you’re right. I should just give it a shot. I gave the gas station sushi guy a chance just because of how lonely I was. Marcus is very sweet and I have thought about him quite a bit these last few weeks.”

Internally, your therapist is thankful. Whoever this man is, doesn’t deserve to be compared to the prick that was the gas station sushi man. “How did your painting go this week?” Your face lights up at the question and you reveal a smaller painting, maybe 4 inches by 6 inches? It’s various greens. Darker around the edges with the lighter greens making what look to be a clover shape in the middle with dashes of yellow on the leaves. It should be noted that there’s four of them. Aware that you’ve painted it for a reason, your therapist asks and you explain it’s how you feel right now. Your outlook has improved significantly over the last few months with renewed hope that taking it one step at a time is good and believing that what you’re doing in taking care of yourself matters. Also through sheer luck you might have found some love. Maybe. 

After your session, Marcus picks you up and you go to lunch, it’s become an occurrence a few times a week now. It doesn’t take long for Marcus to inquire about your painting and you show him, giving him the same explanation as you did your therapist. You changed the love part to ‘someone to care for’ pretty much the same thing but not as strong you hoped. You don’t want to scare the man. Marcus Pike is not a man that’s easily intimidated and gives your forehead a small kiss asking if he can keep your painting like he did with your butterfly one. You agree and snap a picture with your phone before handing it over and continuing lunch. Might not be love, yet, but you do kiss his cheek when he drops you at home and you ask him about dinner later this week or the next. The bright smile he gives you makes you feel like the luckiest woman on earth. 

#pedro pascal characters #fanfiction #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Marcus pike #pedro pascal character fanfic #marcus pike x reader #Marcus pike x female reader #A Nerdie fic #March Spring Prompts #day eleven

[angelkakewritings]

Goliath. 

König x Therapist! Reader

Written By: ANGELKAKEWRITINGS

P1 || 18+

Disclaimer: I do not own the canon characters of the COD MW2 storyline. 

Pronouns used: Reader is she/her/hers

CW: Heavy mentions of mental health (please read with caution or feel free to scroll past if any of the following is triggering) depression, mentions of body dysmorphia, anxiety, light mentions of biblical figures (just for comparison use only), angst, mentions of bullying, mentions of gun violence, themes of therapy, könig developing a crush on reader, taboo of falling in love with your therapist, descriptions of the female anatomy.

Author’s Note: Hello there! It’s been a while since I posted my last piece. I unfortunately wasn't feeling very well and had to stop working for a little but what matters is that I’m doing much better. This piece comes from the heart as someone who deals with anxiety and the ever losing battle of comparing myself with others in the search of ‘what could've been if I…’. Please read with caution and remember to be kind with yourself as much as you can <3 This would be a part one to a two part series! Enjoy!

Goliath. 

How König had grown to hate the name.

How König had grown to hate being compared to the heavily armed Philistine giant and all that was the abomination of biblical proportions- the rage filled perturbations, the ability to crush skulls with his bare hands, the supernatural stature.

The comparison was self-destructive in nature; it had sent him into a contemplative state of wondering maybe if had been born smaller and moved in grace that he would have been in a different state of his life…a desired one of sorts. 

The anger and desperation of what could’ve been turned into a sort of sadness- a period of mourning for König in which the world around him moved but he couldn't advance with the stillness of his stagnant headspace.

A referral to a therapist was what had jolted him to move once again.

He had found himself sitting on the plush sofa of the room- the weight of his thighs made its cushions sink in and creek with every movement he made.

As he waited, his calloused fingers delicately ran over the scars etched onto his face and traced over the hook of his nose.

He felt raw and exposed without the mask draped over his face.

‘Horrid-looking.’

‘I take up too much space.’

‘Am I breathing too loud?’

The sound of the door opening caused his tumultuous train of thought to cease and sent a jolt of electricity coursing down his spine to sit straight.

The sound of the door being opened ceased his tumultuous train of thought and sent a jolt of electricity down his spine and through his hip bones to sit straight.

“Hello König, thank you so much for being here today.”

The atmosphere around König went up in waves of static- only being able to pick up the signal of her voice as she spoke in bell-like octaves and sweet sopranos.

The young woman presented in front of him was a creature of delicate beauty; her lithe limbs flexed and moved in such grace as she took a seat across from him. True to mankind’s curious nature, König had unconsciously decided to take in the details of her baroque-like beauty. He studied the manner in which her lustrous flesh was speckled in beauty marks and freckles, how her mauvy-pink lips would curl after each syllable, how the cartilage of her neck and collarbones were so dainty and appeared fragile.

Their polarities were tantalizing; an exchange from woman to man. 

 ‘I am not worthy of being in her presence.’ He shamefully thought and felt the conch of his ears swell and glow shades of red. He had the sudden urge to look away as the swell of her breasts strained against the threads of the shirt she was wearing.

His mind started to pull away again and drift elsewhere until she spoke- her words filled with so much nurture and a sort of comfort that he was longing for.

König had found himself articulating the pain he had felt when a bullet had split the skin of his cheek but how the vulgarity of the children he attended school with had hurt so much more. 

(1)

#mw2 fanfic #fanfic #my writing #konig mw2 #konig call of duty #cod konig #konig x reader #angst #call of duty #writing

[ghost-of-a-system]

Hey, could I ask for some pointers on how to identify if one is a system? I know it's not a one size fits all thing, but I'm just trying to figure things out, no pressure tho ^^ <33

every process is different, but this is how we went about it! we are personally self-diagnosed but we have had conversations with a few therapists regarding our suspicions (but they weren't the best therapists, and we weren't able to continue working with them) this post is from our lens/a traumagenic lens

the main thing people always say is research, research, and, more research, but it honestly is the best first step. we personally used websites like did-research.org, although it wasn't as useful for us, as someone with OSDD1b :') but that site did introduce us to the various different types of "dissociative identity" disorders, such as DID, OSDD1a and OSDD1b (particularly this page https://did-research.org/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/did_osdd which was helpful in comparing each of them in an understandable way. this was the first time we read something and really had it "click" with our experience.)

i feel like sites like that are a good place to start/try to figure out what "type" resonates with you the most, and i feel that sometimes makes it easier to research from there! but it can always be helpful to do further research into the other types just to get different ways of explaining it/perspectives from those that have it.

one of, if not the most helpful thing, for us, was talking to other systems. we specifically spoke one-on-one with diagnosed & medically recognized systems who also had our suspected type (OSDD1b) (not to discredit self-diagnosed systems, coming from one, but we wanted to get a "for sure" concrete opinion). our conversations usually involved lots of question-asking and trying to lay out what we were experiencing, our concerns, etc. and comparing some of our basic experiences to their's.

it is also very very important to research disorders that could be misunderstood as DID/OSDD or have overlapping symptoms. i feel this is an extremely vital step in any self-diagnosis. things like personality disorders such as BPD, autism, even schizophrenia, etc. it's been a while since we have personally researched this so i can't name many off of the top of my head lol. but i feel this is very important. of course, it is always possible that there is a presence of several of these alongside DID/OSDD. personally we are diagnosed with autism and have an extreme suspicion that we have BPD as well.

all of these are not something that can be easily done overnight, or even in a few days, or even weeks, in our experience. it's very thorough and i believe it helps to leave a lot of time for you to just first research, have the knowledge of what to look out for in your head, and start making observations or notes about what you experience over time. that may help things become more clear.

as always having the support and assistance of a therapist/someone qualified in these disorders is the best option, but we know that it isn't that easy for everyone. not everyone is able to have access to these things for a variety of reasons, such as money or location, for starters.

#ghost of a sys asks

[sophieinwonderland]

This might be upsetting but I just saw a post from did a dose of reality and it was concerning to say the least. They said the disorder wasn’t real but they play along with their clients pretending to validate their alters, only because they think that will intergrate them.

And that the only patients that leave them are the “fakers.”

Yikes!

Actually, what is even going on with that blog? There is so much blatant misinformation there.

1. Partial DID

ICD-11:

Do I need to say more?

2. Hallucinations in Dissociative Identity Disorder

They also suggest a few time that DID doesn't involve hallucinations...

Now... I doubt that "those in therapy" are aware of the DSM-5-TR, which is what I think this person is referring to since they talk about it elsewhere. Like, most therapists probably won't give their patients a rundown of the new medical manuals, right? But even if they did, I feel this person missed something pretty important in the TR.

But the TR actually undersells this association. According to one study, these hallucinations are MORE COMMON THAN IN SCHIZOPHRENIA.

And not by a small margin either.

Physical sensations associated with voices were reported 97% of the time in DID compared to 50% in Schizophrenia groups. Visual hallucinations were nearly twice as common. Tactile hallucinations, about 3 times as common.

This misinformation is genuinely dangerous.

If this alleged therapist decided that hallucinations are all psychotic, then their perception of DID could very easily be influenced by the fact that they've misdiagnosed many of their dissociative patients with psychotic disorders.

3. People with DID want their alters gone

I'm going to note that the title is my interpretation. They don't clearly say this. They just say that people with DID want to finish the job and cure it. But the way they talk about alters strongly leaves this impression.

I absolutely think it's true that most people with DID don't want to have a disorder.

But many would like to pursue healthy multiplicity.

And I'd like to point again at the table in the above study. When participants were asked if they would miss their voices if they stopped, a massive 69% answered that they would. That's a huge majority of DID systems in that study.

4. Complex DID

There is actually a certain level of truth to this one too. Complex-DID is not an official diagnosis, and HC-DID is a community term that can be a bit misleading because it sounds like a clinical term. (Similar issue with emotional amnesia.)

Having said that... this is a really silly way to go about this...

"Complex" as an adjective means that something is complicated. It's not the same as the noun "complex." Having a "complex disorder" would never be related to "having a complex."

Might as well try to convince your student that they're claiming to be an apartment complex.

I would suggest both they and their student take an English class.

Anyway, while HC-DID isn't a medical term and C-DID isn't an official diagnosis, I suspect "complex DID" likely comes from this paper.

5.) The Flight or Flight Reaction

Remember, if you make someone with a dissociative disorder angry, they'll always run away because they're literally incapable of fighting back. If they do argue with you fakeclaiming them, then that PROVES they were faking all along.

Never mind that not every instance of people being upset with you on the internet and calling you our for harmful behavior is because they're triggered. (In the traumatic sense.)

Never mind that "Fight" is a natural reaction to trauma when it is triggered.

Never mind that people who might normally run away were it something triggering you said to just them may engage because they don't want your words harming other people. /s

Anyway, yeah... this is a really gross blog from a very ableist and uninformed therapist, filled to the brim with misinformation, and I would highly advise people ignore it.

#syscourse #system discourse #pro endo #pro endogenic #sysblr #multiplicity #psychiatry #psychology #therapy #mental health #ableism #sanism #psych critical #systems #system #tw fakeclaiming

[inkmo]

went to report a rammer on forza and i noticed they had a 'feedback and suggestions' option in their support tickets, so i decided "why not? i have thoughts about this game". two and half hours later my partner had to get my attention to remind me we needed lunch and it was already 4 p.m. my last therapist said i don't have ADD. long rant under the cut. I'm 100% correct, btw.

Generally, i think this is a really great game when everything is working right. It's just about the only one i'm playing these days. I came to it from Assetto Corsa and Gran Turismo, so I have some modest sim racing experience that informs my expectations. Anyway, here is a list of features i'd like to see some day, some comments, etc:

the option to auto-sell most cars that are won in wheel spins when racing online (currently the car goes straight to your garage). Perhaps a slider based on value or rarity. removing cars from my garage by hand is a very time consuming experience.

on that note, i feel some utility to easily manage downloaded tunes, paintjobs, and garage cars would be greatly appreciated. even if it's an external program that doesn't run in game. at current, tunes can only be deleted when you are in the car they apply to, and paints and cars have to be deleted one at a time, which is very time consuming with menu lag (my xbox takes a while to do this each time, and I have had a few marathon sessions where I'd spend half the day just deleting and organizing things in my garage). in the my paints menu, thumbnails take a very long time to load, and deleting one sends you back to the front. perhaps a toggle for whether it is currently on a car in my garage or not would help, too. and a way to see what tune i have on my car and who made it. it's necessary to delete tunes at times because of the limited number you can have. if you don't have the tune in your collection to compare against the car, it can be really easy to forget exactly what you have that car for. my workaround for this has been to devise a paint color system (red cars for power, blue for road and street, orange for dirt, green for offroad, black gray or white for purists, chrome for highway pulls. i think i might need another color specification for hotwheels cars and to differentiate between circuit and sprint cars) but this requires a high number of paints to be saved. my workaround for that is to just buy a fresh car and specify the solid color I want there. this seems to not use a paint save slot. maybe there can be an option to click on for each car in your garage so you can remember if a car is for rally or street racing etc…

and on that note, menus take a very very long time to load, and selections are never acknowledged right away. it's been two years and I still find myself pressing the button repeatedly in menus when i select things because i just can't tell if it really registered or not. sometimes when i enter an event, it can take up to twenty seconds for my thumbnails to load on the car select screen, and this can get a little nerve wracking when the timer's counting down. I still have an xbox one, and i think there is a chance this could be more of an xbox one problem than an fh5 problem.

constraints/settings for events for tire choice, drive train, engine swaps, maybe even a locked tune that can be purchased and installed at the event car selection screen for spec racing and club time trials. for instance, i LOVE RWD dirt racing, but RWD cars are not very competitive when AWD cars are in the mix.

the option to race expert, pro, and unbeatable drivatars if you want in the weekly playlist events. i like these events because they enforce some variety in car choices, and i just like getting to check things off a list, but the actual racing tends to be a snooze.

even unbeatable drivatars tend to do mystifylingly stupid things every race. mostly jerking the wheel hard on straightaways for no reason, or parking it on corner apexes needlessly, especially in sweeping turns where i would expect to be able to follow flat out. i realize that they can't actually be that good if you want to have a chance of catching them in only three laps, but single player often feels like i'm just trying to get past 9 or 10 mobile chicanes so i can actually race with the one or two real competitors up front.

i don't always have xbox live gold, and single player freeroam can be a real shitshow at times. mostly it's encountering drivatars just parked in the middle of the road (I guess they're mimicking real players that pause while driving? I do that sometimes), or that there seems to be a few places on the map that spawn loads of drivatars at once. like i'd almost without fail encounter an 8 to 10 car roadblock on the sweeping downhill south of guanajuato leading to the stadium/street scene for instance. i know horizon life and horizon solo can't be the exact same experience, but i came to find driving in freeroam in horizon solo at times infuriating.

head-to-heads ought to punish players for leaving the road. they always devolve into eliminator style as-the-crow-flies racing when they actually happen. that's just not racing, and it's why i guess you see people doing them so rarely. the real freeroam racing seems to mostly be at the drag strips and on the tarmac side of the mountain. (by the way, the tarmac side of the mountain is a masterpiece. chef's kiss. good work.)

backmarkers should be ghosted in online lobbies. I didn't know this was an issue, but I accidentally rear ended a guy pretty hard the other day who i was going to lap, because I expected to just ghost right through him. I don't think i've ever encountered trouble makers hanging around at one point on track to try and ram the leaders when they come through, so i can't comment as to whether this would help with that. wall riding should maybe be punished harder, too. i saw someone wallriding at HMC in the trial last week, and it was good enough to keep him in front of all the unbeatable drivatars. but that's also the only time i've ever seen someone wallride like that in this game, so it's perhaps not a big problem. i didn't even know it was something i could report people for until today.

can it be possible to turn off some particle effects when racing online? it's pretty common to get stuck behind people who can't or won't put the power down right in fast corners. this makes a smoke screen that's impossible to see through. i'm not sure exactly what amount of power and angle starts making big smoke; I don't notice my tires smoking if I'm using slip angle in a turn, though, and i don't recall seeing drivatars do this.

i use the braking line only setting, because there are just too many car and track choices to truly internalize. i've noticed the braking line tends to 'lie' on hotwheels races. it seems like i'm always braking too late in hard braking zones in hotwheels races, but this doesn't seem to be a problem in mexico or badlands. is it just me?

this is just a polish thing, but what if players that use the borrow car option get a random manufacturer color instead of every car being the default color. just to add some variety to the grid.

another polish thing: the Buick GNX has a bump map or UVs problem on its doors. my 3D modeling knowledge is a little lacking, but SOMETHING makes that car look like it has a big dent in its doors on the trailing edge.

i loved the stock car trials you guys were doing for a minute a year or two ago. i remember the one with the porsche desert flyer was really fun, especially when i realized i could set the car up (this car has a very short gearbox, but it's a race gearbox -- and anyone that didn't think to tune theirs was a sitting duck). on the other hand, i also learned i could get away with building those cars to have more power as long as the PI was still the same as the stock option, so maybe that should be fixed). on the other hand, i thought the mini and landrover offroad B class trial the other week was total dogwater. idk what it was.. maybe i just don't like those cars. the mini john cooper works buggy x-raid seems to be particularly underpowered no matter what i use it for. I would love to see more stock car trials in the future.

i wish we could have the oval in freeroam all the time.

i think you guys did nothing wrong with the blower bentley forzathon. it was early in the game for me and i had to grind to just buy the thing, but i didn't think it was that bad…

an option to fire A class boneshaker drivers into the sun. J/k! A class rods and customs tours tend to turn into boneshaker only, and that's kinda fun. boneshaker cup someday perhaps? consider it won't you? ;-)

((i think the meta is a little wonky in general. for instance, drag tires make for some of the best road racing builds in B class. rally tires are hands down some of the best road racing tires in A class and above. Rally tires are almost never used for rallying because offroads handle dirt better, allow some PI for more horsepower, and aren't that much of a hindrance on road (ex: I won every event in the trial yesterday (A class Lexus Road events) on offroads. I accidentally grabbed one of my rally cars instead of the road build I'd made, but that rally car was still good enough to win). muscle cars with whitewalls seem to be one of the choice build types for hotwheels hazard and offroad events. in fact hotwheels open seems to devolve to a small handful of power meta cars that are the only viable competitors, and that's why i guess it seemed so dead when i was still doing it. I guess my thinking is tire and drivetrain constraints could reel the meta game in a bit, and we'd see fewer people griping about "bring clean cars, no forza aero, tires etc" in looking for group posts and on reddit. after my first couple months playing this game, i had to go and do research about the build/tuning meta because i realized i just wasn't fielding competitive cars most of the time. maybe this is actually the correct way to play the game if you care about it. i've raced enough in sims that i knew racecraft wasn't my issue. and i think this might not ever occur to players that don't already have experience with racing games. i'm not sure it's really possible to learn in game what a 'good' car looks and drives like. the game won't teach you and the autoupgrade seems to be nearly useless in this regard. you have to go looking on reddit or youtube for good tuners to follow, and be willing to take notes.))

that's about everything i can think of off the top of my head right now. this seems like a lot, but i love this game and have thought about it a lot the last couple of years. and i know y'all have done quite a bit to fix things. game crashes are fewer now it seems. i'm genuinely surprised these days if i get it to crash, but it was a pretty common occurrence a year or so ago.

p.s. attaching a fan art i drew of the nissan tsuru just because i like you guys. have a good day :)

oh, i just remembered. the existence of 'rivals lines' strikes me as a problem. this is where the checkpoint gates don't adequately constrain the track boundaries and players can cut, or go way off road to carry more speed into an otherwise slow corner. are these by design?

one more thing. and i can't believe i forgot it because this was at the forefront of my mind when i started writing. we really need some sort of car proximity marker or radar in first person views. like in Assetto Corsa or Gran Turismo. i find 3rd person racing kind of disorienting so i'm always in dash or bonnet view. i think most of the time when i make contact, it's turning into cars that are significantly alongside during corner entry. I just don't know that they're there until it's too late.

#forza horizon 5 #forza posting #deranged forza posting #all of my opinions are correct when it comes to playing cars

[luzxii]

rick hedony with a significant other y/n that has GAD

characters: rick

content warnings: anxiety attacks

notes: this is written based off of my own experience with GAD, it may not be accurate to every persons individual experience.

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He's a great listener and would always lend an ear when you needed to vent out your worries, he never really says much so he'd never be caught dead interrupting you; he gives you his whole attention if you decide to open up to him.

He's not the best at talking to people, but he'll try his best to give occasional verbal reassurance when you are upset or need it.

" .. It's fine. We all have our days.. "

If you were to have an anxiety attack, Rick wouldn't really know exactly what to do. He'd stick by your side regardless. He himself would stay calm because he knows panicking would only escalate the situation further, so he does what he can to soothe you in the ways he knows how.

If he notices your breathing pace speeding up past casual levels or you just generally getting upset he'll attempt to encourage deep breathing. He's no therapist, but he knows basic strategies and tries to do his best to implement them.

He tries not to say his blunt, pessimistic comments as much near you. He knows you can really take it on and react seriously to it so he tries to be more careful with his wording near you. Once and a while something dark will slip out but he's genuinely putting an effort in.

He really doesn't mind your anxiety, he doesn't take any annoyance with it and is incredibly patient with you specifically; especially compared to his usual flight response. He loves you the way you are and can relate to a lot of your feelings; he's not one to judge at all.

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#headcanons #spooky month #rick hedony #writing #rick spooky month #rick x reader #rick hedony x reader #cc x y/n #spooky month x reader #GAD #anxiety disorder #anxiety attack #luzxii

[tumblingxelian]

Wednesday Fanfic Concept - Soulmate Struggles

Summary:

Wednesday has always loathed the idea of a Soulmates. Emotions of warm nostalgia and love forced on her for a stranger by the whims of fate? IF she ever meets the people whose marks match hers she will ensure she doe snot become a slave to passion as her parents did!

Bianca had always feared meeting her Soulmates. Already terrified of the power she had over the minds of others she could think of nothing kinder than to reject them as harshly as possible.

Enid had always longed too meet her soulmates, hoping to find two kindred spirits who could perhaps love her without conditions or demands.

Too bad for the three of them what they got was each other.

Concept:

This is likely one of m most painful ideas, and definitely the one that explores Wednesday's toxic traits the most overtly.

The nature of soulmates in this world is that as you grow and aspects of your personality, temperament ETC settle in you develop a connection with your soulmate/soulmates.

But all this means is that you have some base comparability. It says nothing for beliefs, ideologies and little for life experience.

Despite this, because of the schooling systems and such most people meet their soulmates in their onw age brackets, communities. schools ETC. & from this comes the entirely cultural expectation of romance, despite the fact soulmates are not inherently romantic or platonic, they just are.

As a result, lots of people with soulmates outside their age range or no soulmate tend to experience some stigma or at least judgement.

This also means a lot of soulmate relationships actually end up really unhealthy and or destructive but not enough that its become a talked about problem. But yeah, basically despite the comforting feeling a soulmate provides, any relationship actually requires work.

This story was also inspired by the concept of "This will always be our first" That is to say, a first meeting, a first reaction, a first date and one party intentionally making it worse either out of some mild selfishness that just exploded or even a degree of malice.

The two inspirations I drew from were:

RWBY's volume 9 with main character Ruby Rose, having been driven to a breakdown lashes out at those around her. Including her sister and her girlfriend because their budding relationship and happiness is just agony to see when she's in so much pain. Any other day or time she'd be over the moon for them, but the tragic thing is this will always be the reaction they all remember.

The other was from a Wenclair fic, where despite having been engaged for months, Wednesday did not tell her parents until she & Enid touched down at the airport. Morticia was awkward & Gomez was distraught and ended up fighting Enid who then went to her & Wednesday's room to be depressed because that too will always be her first meeting with Wednesday's parents.

The first being bad is not something that cannot be worked through but it is inherently bittersweet I feel.

Characters:

Enid: Wow I have two soulmates… Maybe they will, I dunno, love me unconditionally? 🙂 Wednesday: Emotions. Complicated. Vulnerability. Awful. Hate them, you did this to me, how dare you. Stay away! Bianca: I don't like affecting anyone's mind by my mere presence, I hate the idea of someone doing it to me even more, I will not be made vulnerable, so stay away!

Bianca & Wednesday: You made me feel emotions against my will. Die. Enid: Wow, both my soulmates are like this… Great… I'm so lucky... :/

Kinbott is actually a better therapist in this cos her soulmate is platonic, IE Cassie from Uriah's heap. SO she is a bit socially isolated herself and more thoughtful. She also has a thing for Principle Weems who was Gomez's soulmate but that didn't pan out.

Chapters:

As noted, this story would definitely be delving into some of Wednesday & to a lesser extent Bianca's more toxic defense mechanism and general attitudes.

Be they born from being indulged by her parents but socially isolated in Wednesday. Or traumatized by her mother and adopting an extremely toxic self image in Bianca.

Enid will be contextualized below:

Chapter 1:

When encountering Enid for the first time, both register they are soulmates. Desperate to avoid her parents cooing, Wednesday is quick to evacuate the situation and Enid surprisingly enables her.

Through the tour, Enid is much more indulgent of Wednesday and generally open even revealing her issues with transforming. She in essence pulls her rib cage open so Wednesday can see her heart.

Wednesday uses this as a chance to stomp on it.

Partially because of her complexes regarding emotions but also because she thinks Enid is just 'that way; because of the Soul Mark and she just wants her gone and so is generally the worst.

Enid puts up with it until the next morning, where she gently confronts Wednesday and Wednesday keeps trying to antagonize her:

"I really wanted you to feel welcome and safe, to make the feeling the mark is meant to give real. & now… That first day and night will always be how we met. (Deep breath) You didn't want I offered, and fair enough, but-"

"Are your ears as broken as your transformation pick it u-"

Enid literally tackles her to the floor, nearly breaks her wrists and snarls against her throat.

"I have spent my entire life pouring love and dedication down a bottomless pit. I will not do it again. You don't want me? Fine! But I am not your servant, not your friend and not your family. Never demand anything of me again you spoiled brat!"

Then she gets up and walks to class like nothing happened.

Wednesday lies on the floor for awhile longer processing:

1: She drastically misread Enid's personality. 2: She just got physically outdone by a peer for the first time ever. 3: Evidently the soul mark did not make Enid a simpering wreck. 4: For the first time in years, Wednesday felt a spike of fear.

Chapter 2:

Displeased by all that, Wednesday wants to get back on the horse so to speak and restore some of her damaged confidence and also figure out how the hell that happened.

Mostly cos it runs contrary to how she thinks soulmates work despite she herself not following the 'rules' of soulmates.

She & Bianca have their encounter and there is not even any speaking. Both register the other as their soulmate and draw swords and it is on sight, because both of them would rather an enemy that let someone in close.

Wednesday still loses so she's still not having a great time. Especially as it turns out Enid is more interested in chatting up a vampire than her or Bianca!

Enid is not outright blanking her, or hating her, but just treating her like any other student she happened to share a room with.

Wednesday would find cloying affection smothering but not unexpected and she would find hatred acceptable.

But it turns out just being kind of dismissed, really gets under her skin. So she storms off, meets Xavier, is generally caustic ETC.

After the Gargoyle incident Enid did show some concern but very generalized, "We're both Outcasts & you are a person who almost died?" and then gets distracted and spends the rest of the night chatting with Thing.

Wednesday's music garners no real reaction from Enid, though we see Bianca having a not emotionally fun time of it in her room because of it.

After that when they go to be, Enid even says, "Night Wednesday." But that's also its, it's so dismissive, it's so... casual.

Wednesday was not built for casualness.

Wednesday was built for soul crushing devotion be it hatred or love!

Chapter 3:

Because of these elements she does not have Enid's help trying to get out of Nevermore. As a result she may actually turn to Bianca because "We both want me gone, help me make it happen." Which may even cut Tyler out for a bit.

Still, the two otherwise remain in their ongoing "We will be eternal enemies/I will ensure you never get close" stalemate. Its not healthy but both deem it acceptable.

Meanwhile Enid begins to fixate on Enid either in her first session or a later one, talks to Kinbott solely cos she wants an outsider perspective on Soul Marks and obsession.

We learn about her ties to Uraih's heap and that soul mark obsession is just down to obsessive people.

IE, Wednesday is obsessing because she's prone to such behavior and because Enid dismantling and then dismissing her is a huge blow to self identity. Wednesday is used to being rejected, or hated, or feared and even adored without resveration from her family.

She is not used to being looked at like a spoiled teen and summarily dismissed as unimportant and it makes her feel like Enid is 'winning' some kind of contest she's not even playing but Bianca is.

Chapter 4:

Wednesday & Larissa do get that hot choc, & Wednesday does fix the machine & Tyler says he owes her. Later, when drinking, Tyler interrupts claiming Thornhill called and could not get through on her mobile.

Its a brief distraction but it lets Wednesday scribble a note demanding his number and she gets in on the receipt and organizes her extraction.

Cue the festival a brief interaction where Enid warns her of Tyler's hate crimes.

Wednesday tries to ply it into being about her rather than Outcast solidarity but is shrugged off as Enid goes off with Yoko, leaving her in a bad mood.

Yes Wednesday is still jealous of Yoko, she cannot escape it XD

Kinbott is there and chatting with Larissa but not enough to distract her.

Then Wednesday blocks two darts flying at her head and one ends up in her hand.

Bianca shouts "Rowan!" Who takes off running and is followed by Wednesday into the forest.

His ambush doesn't work though cos Bianca was after him to and she knows he is a telekinetic. So she manages to knock him out with a drug and steal the book. Bianca likely knows she has it but won't cause a scene around the sheriff.

Gaplin tries to shoot her but is stopped by Weems and Kinbolt makes sure Rowan is alive before practically shouting the man down and then helps carry Rowan back to Nevermore while Weems rounds up all her students.

Wednesday wants Bianca to use her siren song to make him talk which makes her livid and Kinbolt has to intervene a bit and also reveals its not useful for that as the subject just says what the person wants to hear in their own head not their own mind.

After that, Enid arrives.

Turns out Thing fell out of Wednesday's pocket and she was so pissed off she sort of forgot him in the chase.

So, Thing is sulking & Wednesday is initially more interested in trying to get info on Rowan and or proving a point to Enid to acknowledge it so they clamber back over to Enid to sulk and they go off with Yoko to do their nails.

Though not before revealing Rowan was "More like a normie than Kinbolt."

IE, he did not like other outcasts besides his fellow psychics.

Basically a more extreme version of Xavier's distrust and contempt for Bianca and Sirens in general.

Enid: (Puts Thing in her hand) Rowan was always like, 'Oh you may be outcasts (Sneers) But I am the only Outcaaast! (Falls back and it caught by Yoko. They then put an equally dramatic Thing back on her shoulder and leave.)

Wednesday and Bianca are shooed out while Weems and Kinbolt try to get Rowan to talk (Gaplin is being yelled at by the mayor for almost killing a 15 year old)

She & Bianca likely have a tense stand off regarding the book Rowan stole but Bianca needs to keep her secrets and despite being presumably able to Siren Song Wednesday into giving it to her does not. Instead promising to collect it with her scaled hands later, before ominously vanishing through a secret passageway.

Wednesday returns to her dorm room to find it empty.

Her victory over Rowan, briefly a restorative of confidence now tastes like ashes, the book seems useless, Bianca refused to fight and Enid is still vexing her mind.

She shatters the window, as loudly as possible.

Enid comes racing up and Wednesday antagonizes her and Enid's claws and fangs come out and she's barely held back by Yoko and Thing. But more by the arrival of Thornhill making them all have a "Sleep over" with Yoko cos its dangerous to be in a room with so much broken glass.

The three mostly ignore Wednesday and go on about their nails and let Enid vent about the window, but it never ties back to soulmates, or romance, or anything Wednesday wants it too and they eventually go to sleep, with Thing giving her a judgmental vibe lecture while safety out of reach.

Back to square one, incredibly frustrated!

Notes:

As noted, this story is kind of exploring Wednesday at her most intensely bratty, but I think the window would be the farthest it would go so after that there is nowhere to go but up.

Ya know, maybe.

But she & Bianca still have a lot of issues to work through and if either of them ever want anything more than a superficial understanding of Enid she will need to overcome her distrust.

It will likely be revealed in the Rowan bit that Xavier lied to Bianca about not having a soulmate when trying to become her boyfriend. This also comes up in the herbology class when he tries to flirt with Wednesday and fails hard.

Chapter 5:

I think Wednesday may actually, after a point call her mother and kinda low key ask if she's spoiled and or being childish.

"Your father and I wanted you to have every freedom, every opportunity to explore your passions as you pleased. We have always been astounded by you, but... Perhaps in doing so we did not impart to you some key lessons."

"You think I am broken. The-"

"NEVER. A child cannot be wrong or broken or unwanted in anyway. All this is is that your father and I expected your to enter a contest without imparting to you the rules, you are not at fault for anything."

She later asks Wednesday for a favor.

"You are doing very poorly at imposing limits, mother."

She wants Wednesday to tell Weems she and Kinbolt will have a lovely tea together in her office.

Cos of the attack, Wednesday has another appointment with Kingbolt earlier and imparts the message to her instead and claims its the Weathervane to try and see if she can influence visions. She doesn't get to know if she can.

Also Rowan is taken off campus by his father so he lives but Wednesday gets no more answers from him.

Final Notes:

But yeah that's about where I am with it.

But I wanted to explore the idea of soul bonds but with the romantic angle being entirely socially engineered. Pus other aspects for the casts as you may have noticed :3c

Oh, also Bianca is more shocked by Thing than Kinbolt, a hint that she is from a background that isolated her from the Outcast community compared to Enid or Yoko who are just sorta like, "Weird but neat" and "My sire has a haunted samurai mask that constantly yells at us. Thing is way more polite."

#wednesday netflix #wednesday series #wednesday addams #enid sinclair #bianca barclay #Wenclair #Goth Bees #Enid/Wednesday/Bianca

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Following up on my post about episodes 5 and 6, here are my thoughts on the mental health side of episodes 7 and 8 of The Eighth Sense.

Hey, @waitmyturtles, it's finally finished!

As in my last T8S post, I'll start by talking about what I see going on with Jae Won (and this time, to a lesser extent, with Ji Hyun), then get into my thoughts about what his therapist is up to.

Here’s what I’ll be talking about below:

lowered affect and psychomotor symptoms

the "freeze" response and the depressive side of PTSD

"I want to heal his wounds"

Jae Won's therapist: dancing over the line

the portrayal of mental health interventions in The Eighth Sense so far

what's next?

lowered affect and psychomotor symptoms

When it comes to Jae Won, I think for the most part his deal is readily apparent to anyone with a reasonable amount of insight, whether they have mental health training or not (though I hope my perspective might help clarify some stuff). As others have pointed out, he's incredibly numb and shut down. It's clear that he feels responsible for Ji Hyun's accident even before he says so directly to his therapist, and that he has some kind of distorted thought process that is telling him that staying away from Ji Hyun will keep him safer than if he allowed himself to be close to him again. This also functions as a way of protecting himself from experiencing another loss--if he doesn't have anyone in his life that he actually cares about, he can't get hurt that way again.

By the way, just like the capacity for self-blame I talked about last time, it's remarkable how readily people who've experienced trauma can form strong beliefs that don't make rational sense (often involving magical thinking) while seeing no reason to doubt those beliefs. For example, it seems pretty certain that Jae Won is consciously telling himself, "Everyone I love dies or gets taken away from me in some way, so if I love someone I'm putting them in danger." There's no possible way this could be true, but it feels like the truth to him and he's unable to see how obviously false this belief is.

A couple of the things we're seeing with Jae Won have psychological terms that can be used to describe them more precisely. You know how Jae Won's face is super expressionless for most of episodes 7 and 8? In psychology, we use the term "affect" to mean the expression of emotion in someone's face (and to a lesser extent, other parts of their body). ("Affect" has a really different meaning in other disciplines.) Identifying the type of lowered affect Jae Won has sheds some light on his emotional state. There are standard descriptors that psychologists and others use in reports and notes to talk about people's affect. "Broad" or "full" affect means a person shows a typical amount of emotion in their expression. "Labile" affect means that the person is showing disproportionately strong emotions; often these emotions change abruptly as well (for example, if someone laughs one moment and cries the next and neither seem appropriate to the situation). Then you have descriptors for people who are showing less emotion than normal. "Restricted" affect is somewhat subdued compared to full affect. Just like it sounds, it's as if the person is (consciously or unconsciously) restricting the amount of emotion they allow others to see. A step down from restricted is "blunted" affect, which is a pretty intense symptom. Someone with blunted affect shows very little emotion, even when talking about or experiencing something upsetting. Another step down is "flat" affect. I often see people using "flat affect" to describe a person who actually has blunted or just restricted affect, but flat affect is a lot more marked than that. True flat affect means that the person shows absolutely no emotion. It's extremely rare. You're highly unlikely to meet a person with flat affect in your daily life, unless you work in an inpatient mental health facility. Where is Jae Won on this scale? His affect is blunted. This is a very big deal! When someone is experiencing mental health symptoms so marked that their affect is blunted, especially almost all of the time as we observe in Jae Won's case, there is a lot of cause for concern. As you might imagine, it's often reflective of the person being very disconnected from their own emotions. This symptom can be associated with a number of diagnoses. Some of these involve psychotic symptoms, which might interest proponents of the "everything after episode four is a hallucination" theory. But it's also associated with PTSD and depression, and I think it's pretty clear that's at the root of Jae Won's deal. After all, his affect became blunted right after he was retraumatized and massively triggered by Ji Hyun's accident.

A great example of Jae Won's blunted affect happens in the scene where Ji Hyun finally gets him to talk to him in private and he keeps insisting that everything that happened between them "was nothing." It's not normal for someone to have almost no affect when having a conversation like this, no matter how they feel about the other person or their history with them. If their relationship really meant nothing to him, we'd expect Jae Won to look flippant, irritated, contemptuous, guilty, maybe superficially sympathetic, but we'd expect him to have some degree of affect. The fact that he can sit there, dead-eyed, during this conversation speaks volumes. Another term that applies here is "psychomotor retardation." Sometimes people say "psychomotor slowing" instead to avoid the connotations of that second word there. Or you may just hear about "psychomotor symptoms." In severe depression, people's speech, movements--really, just about everything they do can become slowed. If you've ever been around someone who was severely depressed, you may have observed this. I had a friend in college whose psychomotor symptoms got so intense during a depressive episode that I misunderstood and thought she was drunk. The fact that this is coming up for Jae Won is another giant red flag that he is in a massive amount of distress.

the "freeze" response and the depressive side of PTSD

Given how much informed trauma discussion happens on tumbr, I'm guessing a lot of folks reading this may already know that contemporary trauma scholars have added to the well-known "flight or flight" set of trauma responses. The most common change is to add "freeze" to the list to make it "fight, flight, or freeze." Some also add "appease," or "fawn." We're all familiar with the fight response to trauma (go toward the feared object and try to fight it) and the flight response (run away from it). The freeze response is analogous to instinctively playing dead when attacked by a dangerous wild animal, except it's usually automatic, something our body does whether we want it to or not. People having a freeze response may dissociate, or they may find it difficult or impossible to get their body to move. The "appease" response refers to an instinctive impulse to do anything and everything to appease a person who poses a threat. It's a trauma response that frequently comes up in partner abuse situations. The "fawn" response, sometimes called a "collapse" response, is a kind of last ditch attempt by your brain to disconnect from your body so thoroughly that you'll feel less pain as a result of the trauma. I'd group it with the "freeze" response--they're kind of like different degrees of the same thing, with fawn/collapse being even more extreme than freeze. I had a mentor, Dr. S, in one of my training positions who had put together his own model of how trauma works, one he had cobbled together from a number of sources. Usually when a mental health person tells you they have this kind of homemade theory bricolage deal it turns out to be a hot mess. But Dr. S was incredibly smart and experienced and his theory was coherent and useful. I wish I knew where he got the various components from. I know he was into somatic experiencing therapy and it was part of the model but there were other traditions he had pulled from as well. But the gist, as it applies here, is this: he categorized the acute trauma responses (fight, flight, etc.) into two main groups, activating on the one hand and freeze-y/deactivating on the other. And those acute responses, the responses that a person has in the moment when the trauma is happening or soon afterward, are related to how their PTSD symptoms manifest, if they develop it. According to Dr. S, people with PTSD usually have a sort of predominant tendency where their PTSD symptoms lean more toward the freeze-y side, which is the more depressive and dissociative side, or the fight and/or flight side, which involves more overt dysregulation, anger, risk-taking, and so forth.

The thing that made me think about Dr. S's model of trauma when I watched episodes 7 and 8 was something he always said about these different ways trauma shows up as symptoms. I wish I could remember the rationale--like, what the supposed reason was that things work this way--but I remember that once he pointed it out I started seeing examples of it everywhere. He said that if you're stuck in a freeze-y, depressive state with your PTSD symptoms, you can't move directly from that into a more healthy, engaged relationship with your emotions, your memories, and the world around you. Instead of going straight from freeze mode into something healthier, he said, you have to spend some time in fight/flight mode. It's like, metaphorically speaking, there's no path out of the freeze zone without passing through fight/flight territory.

Jae Won's PTSD typically shows up in a very freeze-y way. His depressive symptoms were his most noticeable ones from the start of the series. He dissociates rather readily. He was numb even before what happened with Ji Hyun, then gets even more numb. Actually, I'd bet that when he resisted his connection with Ji Hyun before, and to an extent in 7 and 8, one of his main reasons was that Ji Hyun makes him feel alive and that scares him. Ji Hyun makes him "thaw out" in a way he doesn't feel prepared for. And then, of course, as soon as he dares to let his guard down with someone and experience real connection, what happens? A new trauma and massive triggers for his past trauma. So he goes back into freeze mode with a vengeance.

And he gets really passive. Just sort of floating along. Not kissing Eun Ji back when she kisses him, but not saying no or pushing her away either. (Well, there's one extremely gentle push after which he takes the tiniest step back, but that's it.) When we see him alone, he's just lying in bed with his eyes wide open staring into space. But there is one thing that makes him wake up, something that puts him squarely into fight mode: Tae Hyung making shitty comments about Ji Hyun. As audience members, it's natural to want to cheer this on in part because Tae Hyung is such a dick and that was incredibly below-the-belt. But I think another part of what makes us want to applaud is that Jae Won is finally thawing out again. It's fleeting. And the way the show is edited drives this home even more since there's an abrupt cut from Jae Won pummeling Tae Hyung to him talking with their professor in his office looking incredibly spaced out. But it happens.

"I want to heal his wounds"

One thing I've noticed in more than one response to episodes 7 and 8 is people being critical of Ji Hyun's words when he tells Joon Pyo, "He wants to be seen as a strong person, but has a lot of wounds. And I want to heal his wounds." Basically, I'm seeing people say that it's up to Joon Pyo to heal himself and that it's naive of Ji Hyun to think that he can "heal" him. And to an extent, they have a point. If Ji Hyun claimed he was going to singlehandedly heal Jae Won's pain and trauma, it would be extremely unrealistic. Especially if he claimed he'd do it whether or not Jae Won participates. But he says he wants to heal Jae Won's wounds, and I think that's more reasonable. I would expect that most of us, in his shoes, would at least want that on some level, even if we don't think it's possible. But more than that, I think this is an example of a certain cultural attitude, one that (in my experience) seems more prevalent in individualistic cultures like those of the U.S. and much of Europe. It's related to the idea that "no one can love you until you love yourself." I find this attitude just as unrealistic, and just as riddled with wishful thinking, as the idea that we can heal a partner by our force of will alone without their participation. Because individualism is a wishful fantasy in a way. It tells us that we can fix ourselves without having to worry about making connections with others or whether those others will be willing or able to give us the love we need. But we can't just wish away our relational needs.

Human beings are relational creatures. We develop from birth through our relationships with others. These relationships can be damaging or they can be supportive and strengthening (or, of course, both). We don't have to wait until we are perfectly self-sufficient before we're capable of receiving love, deserving of love, or able to benefit from love. When someone loves us deeply and shows that to us, when they show their love through caring for us, it makes a difference in our lives. Of course it does! And if we are completely lacking in that kind of love, life is harder for us. I could go off for pages and pages about this and I may well do so here one of these days. For now I'll say that if you're interested in combating your individualistic bias and thinking in a new way about the fundamentally relational nature of humanity, I highly recommend the first section of Kenneth Gergen's book Relational Being--it's phenomenal. (I first read it on a long bus commute and I was gasping so much that people started giving me looks. And I normally never gasp aloud at a book.) Stan Tatkin's work on attachment dynamics in couples is also really instructive here. Tatkin talks about how we've been conditioned to think it's burdensome and excessive to ask for our partners to be there for us and take care of us in certain ways that are actually imminently reasonable and part of a healthy relationship. This isn't to say that there's no such thing as a burdensome demand or an onerous expectation of a partner. But there's a whole class of caring for others that gets stigmatized in our culture that's actually not only OK but healthy and beneficial.

What about Ji Hyun? I think it's not unlikely, given his age and lack of relationship history, that he's being a bit overly idealistic. But I also think it shows an admirable degree of self-awareness that he sees that he has a desire to heal Jae Won. And honestly? He already has healed him to an extent, even if subsequent events seem to have undone it. He can't heal Jae Won just by loving him. Jae Won would have to allow himself to be close to Ji Hyun again for that to happen, and he'd also have to open himself up enough emotionally to take in what Ji Hyun has to offer. And in order for him to heal in a substantial way--for example, to stop having an active case of PTSD--he'd also have to put in some independent effort. But it's also true that if Jae Won lets him, Ji Hyun actually could make a real difference in Jae Won's healing. And Jae Won could do the same for Ji Hyun.

Jae Won's therapist: dancing over the line

Jae Won's therapist/psychiatrist has been playing around with boundaries a bit since we first encountered her. Her "just tell me what your worries are!" joke ventured a bit close to a boundary line for me, but it stayed on the right side and made sense in context so I considered it pretty skillful. Sometimes getting close to those therapy boundaries is actually really powerful. I mean, it may sound like this would just be a lapse, and then we could debate whether or not it was forgivable. But actually, playing with therapy boundaries in a careful way that doesn't go too far can be an particularly good idea, depending on the situation and the client. Sometimes factors like the formality of therapy, clients' idealization of their therapist, their worries about seeming like a good person or being a "good client," and so forth can lead to the therapy process getting completely stuck. Calling some of these things into question can be really useful.

So initially, I thought Jae Won's therapist was handling this sort of thing well. At the same time, I was concerned that she might overdo it. I had a therapist once who played around with boundaries in a safe, careful way at first, and it really benefited me, but later, he was careless about some important boundaries and actually crossed the line to the point where I had to stop working with him. I didn't know if she'd do this, but I worried about it. Then episodes 7 and 8 happened.

Some folks have taken issue with her saying to Jae Won, "Why didn't you visit recently? I almost couldn't pay my rent because you stopped coming. You know every minute counts for the consultation fee, right?" I do think she's getting into risky territory here, but she ends up on the right side of the line by my standards (albeit barely). It should be completely obvious that Jae Won's attendance at their appointments doesn't make that huge of a difference in her bottom line. I actually see some reasons to believe she's likely an administrator or instructor/professor in addition to her clinical work (I'd be happy to explain my reasons but I'm trying not to get too far in the weeds). So she likely has other things to do besides see clients. And she's the kind of clinician that probably has plenty of clients. But no matter what her job entails, the fees from one client who sees her biweekly are not going to make or break her financially. She's trying to make light of her worry when Jae Won missed appointments (probably two, since a month has passed and that would mean two biweekly sessions). Then there's the exchange about her experiences with clients dying by suicide. There are aspects of it that seem OK to me, but she crosses the line in my estimation.

When she first raises the topic, she asks him, "Did you think about extreme decisions?" This set off alarm bells for me. It's important that therapists show that they're able to speak clearly and explicitly about suicidality. Using euphemisms or beating around the bush conveys a lack of confidence and comfort with the topic that could undermine clients' faith in the therapist or make the therapist seem like someone they have to protect from learning about their suicidal thoughts or intentions. Thankfully, she switched to more direct terms quickly, so I felt like that made up for her initial vagueness.

Then she talks about how "the hardest time" in her work is "when my patients commit suicide." But instead of talking about the loss she would feel in that situation, she quickly pivots to talking about how it's difficult to decide whether or not to attend these clients' funerals. It's a weird turn. It makes it sound as if the hard part is navigating this funeral question rather than the actual loss of the patient. I'm sure that's not how she really feels, but this topic shift makes it sound that way.

I know that @waitmyturtles took issue with the way the therapist hashed out conflicting ideas around ethics in a conversation with a client, and I do think that's almost always something that should be avoided. But I also think if she had done it in the right way, it could have been OK or even a good idea. Why? Because as I wrote above, one good reason to mess around with therapy boundaries sometimes is in order to undermine the idealization of the therapist when it gets out of hand. In other words, sometimes clients need to see firsthand that therapists are human beings too and that they make mistakes and have growth areas--and that they feel confused about how to navigate some professional situations, as she talks about here. It's demystifying in a way that can be beneficial. My biggest concern is actually the fact that she's doing this around the topic of client suicide.

Even though she plays it off somewhat by seguing into an ethical quandary about funerals, Jae Won's therapist is still raising the subject of how patients' suicides affect her. And this is where I think she's really playing with fire.

There's nothing wrong with a therapist acknowledging that when/if a client ends their life, they are/would be strongly affected. To pretend otherwise would not only be disingenuous, it would make the therapist seem unfeeling and cold. But it's risky to do anything that might center oneself in the conversation about a client's suicidality. Basically, saying you worry about a client, saying you would be very sad if they died, and so forth can be not only OK but advisable if done judiciously. But spending a substantial amount of time talking about yourself when you're sitting with a client who has a substantial suicide risk is insensitive and dangerous.

Of course, this is partly because centering oneself as a therapist is almost always counter-therapeutic (not to mention shitty and wrong). But if a therapist centers themselves around this specific topic, it could also lead to losing access to vital information about the client's thoughts, intentions, and risk level.

If I'm seeing a therapist who I have a good rapport with, I'm going to be concerned if it appears I might hurt them. I may even be highly motivated to try to protect them. If I'm having suicidal ideation but I think telling my therapist about it will upset, overwhelm or frighten them? If I'm being told right and left how distressing client suicide is for them? I now have a very good reason to keep my suicidal ideation a secret. Once a therapist loses a client's trust that they can safely disclose their suicidal thoughts and intentions to them, risks immediately go way up. Bottom line: if a client doesn't feel safe telling you about that stuff, you can't help them when they're in crisis. You're operating in the dark, without access to critical information.

I continue to believe that Jae Won is at a substantial risk of suicide and/or self-harm. And he has shown time and again that he tends not to disclose much in therapy even when he's at his best. This is no time to play around with this stuff. His therapist needs to show him that she's a steadfast, safe, concerned, but also reasonably neutral figure right now if she wants to have any hope of keeping him safe. And she failed to do that in episode 7.

the portrayal of mental health interventions in The Eighth Sense so far

As before, I think that the show has shown Jae Won's therapist in a mostly positive light in the latest episodes. And without a doubt, it's a good thing that therapy is being shown at all here. But one thing we haven't seen so far is an instance of therapy actually helping Jae Won in any observable way. And I'm becoming increasingly convinced that the series will end without any specific benefit from therapy being shown. I get that this is a love story and the emphasis is bound to be on the ways in which Ji Hyun and Jae Won can make a difference in each other's lives. But if you're going to portray therapy at all, you really ought to include at least some sort of potential benefit from it. Otherwise you run the risk of sending the message that while therapy might not be actively bad, it's also not something that will help someone in a meaningful way.

I'm also concerned about how psychoactive medication is being portrayed in this series. There's been a lot of talk of prescriptions. In the deleted scene that's been making the rounds, the camera pans down at Jae Won's pill bottles as if to call attention to them, emphasizing them at a time when Jae Won seems to be falling apart. Maybe these are hints that Jae Won is going to misuse his medication at some point, or maybe not. But currently, they function as a kind of commentary. The implication seems to be something like, "Look how fucked up Jae Won is right now. He even has to take medication for his mental health!" It makes it seem like someone taking psych meds is a sad or worrisome thing on its own. This is exploitative and supportive of mental health stigma. If it turns out these cues were foreshadowing Jae Won misusing his medication to self-harm, the generalized medication stigma aspect could be less of a concern, but it still wouldn’t exactly be a progressive portrayal of mental health care. I hope the show's creators pull back from this or find a way to make it all worthwhile, but I'm becoming less hopeful about that as well.

what's next?

I have some thoughts about what's coming next for the story based on what we've seen so far. Well, I have a lot of thoughts on that subject, but I'm going to confine myself to those I see as mental health-related here.

There's a chance that Jae Won could engage in some kind of self-harm or make a move to try to end his life. It's hardly certain this will happen, but it wouldn't be out of left field. Given the attention paid at various points to Jae Won's medications, the most likely avenue of self-harm seems to be misusing them.

One potential turning point could happen if events bring up Jae Won's protectiveness toward Ji Hyun. This could come up due to something really overt if he has reason to believe Ji Hyun is physically in danger, but it's at least as likely to come up if he sees other people mistreating him. If Eun Ji continues to try to bully Ji Hyun and Jae Won witnesses it, or if Tae Hyung lashes out at him, this could have a big effect on Jae Won. After all, even in his highly depressed and dissociated state after Ji Hyun's accident, the one thing that brought him back to himself was Tae Hyung's shitty comment. I would tie this back to the idea I mentioned above, that the path from long-term freeze mode to something healthier may need to involve passing through a more activated, aggressive state in the process. Jae Won's protectiveness toward Ji Hyun could be the catalyst that causes this type of shift for him.

#the eighth sense #the 8th sense #jae won x ji hyun #the eighth sense meta #the eighth sense discussion #the eighth sense analysis #psychology of BL #media portrayals of trauma #media portrayals of mental illness #TW suicide discussion regarding a fictional character

[soupedepates]

Having a fucked up sibling relationship is like. I can't trust you. Mom wants us to be closer. I will fight for you because you're the child I once loved. I am moving across the country because I can't live with you under the same roof. You look up to me because I am the eldest child, and people used to compare us and put me on a pedestal. I can't shower when you're around. I don't feel safe when you're here. I know all your friends and they come to me for advice. You try to make up for what you've done by going against my will. You want me in your world. I push you out of mine, but I keep pretending you have a place here. Mom complains to me about you, how you scare her, how she wishes you were dead, how she loves you. You're in my nightmares. I see you everywhere. I don't answer your texts. I do your homework for you. I hate you. I love you. I feel guilty not to have a perfect relationship with you. I can't let you come close again. I can't sit next to you. You hate what I am, but you will fight for me. You hate that I am gone. You always leave before I go back to my place. We never spend more than an hour together. Mom tells me you seek me when I am away. My name is your first word. I want to give your name to someone I love. You're in my therapist's notes. I want to forget you. You're my nemesis. You're my second half. I celebrate your victories. I hope you die. I will cry at your funerals.

#dysfunctional family #sibling abuse #unhealthy siblings relationship #sibling experience #those two weeks kinda messed me up #traumadump #tw childhood trauma