#which i KNOW is the OCD bc that's what the medication is for !! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

am-i-the-asshole-official · 8 months

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wibta if i held an intervention for my cousin?

strap in bc this is gonna be long, but first i need to introduce this little cast of characters: I (26f), my sister (23f) and my cousin (22f) are literally the only young ones in my family. my fathers siblings never married, and i have only my mother's sister (50sthF) who has married and also has a kid. so this made us kind of close since we were kids, especially my sister and my cousin (due to their close ages) were always together. we did live far from each other, and could only meet one or two times in a year.

my cousin and my sister have ocd. i have depression. we all have anxieties. my aunt and my mother both have anger issues, so we kind of can guess what kind of house my cousin is living in. and also from what we could see during our short visits. so yeah, we're all fucked up, but ever since i started therapy and forced my sister to go as well, things started to change. my cousin kept making excuses about money issues, and not really needing any therapy, but her ocd started spiraling down very quickly after her cat got sick last year (we'll get to that soon).

so here's where the problem lies: my cousin has ocd, and needs to constantly ask for approval. she also has severe separation anxiety, to the point that she cant even think about a family member or her cat dying. and see, i get that! we also had beloved pets who died and honestly it still fucks us up, but she is getting delusional about it. god forbid we mention that the cat is now an old lady, or say that shes not as sharp/agile as she was before—this makes her cry immediately. also her ocd is very focused on her cat: she thinks she can carry diseases to her cat, she gets hysterical if we change our clothes near the cats bowl, asks everyone repeatedly if sth unrelated might make the cat sick. shes also of the belief that if someone uses an insect spray, then the poison will stay there till she goes to that place and carries the poison to her cat and making her sick. we kept explaining to her that if the sprays would work like that then we wouldnt suffer from a serious ant infestation for the third year in a row, but as it goes with ocd, she just cant accept it. she only believes what her mother says, and well. her mother gets agitated Very Quickly and they start fighting which makes everything worse.

usually id interfere and tell my aunt to just get along with my cousin as shes going through therapy and medication, and i saw it first hand on my sister that it takes time for ocd to get calmer. its not like oh u started therapy? why arent u already performing like a mentally healthy person?? this is what i suffered from when i first started my therapy. but my aunts main issue isnt her ocd. the ocd is par for the course—the main problem is that my cousin never helps around the house.

we knew this, since we have been together forever, that my cousin never works. she complains a lot, even snaps if u ask her to do two things at once (even if its like hey check the kettle and btw put this glass in the sink as well). and my aunt has zero tolerance for her attitude, which leads to her doing the chore herself and well this kind of encourages my cousin to get away from the chores by complaining. she was like this ever since we were KIDS. she'd play with us and make a mess, but when we were supposed to clean everything shed either not do a thing (saying "i dont know how to" even to simple things like put the thing in the basket) or shed just. vanish. whenever we ate lunch or dinner, shed immediately go to the bathroom, and come out after everything was cleaned and washed. and before u say there might be sth else, it really wasnt. she even admitted to it later. she just didnt want to do a single shit. and well, now that shes older, its getting kind of upsetting. whenever she's alone at home she does NOTHING. and when my aunt comes back from her trip SHES the one who has to clean after my cousin, even tho she has just arrived home. this is why no matter how much she asks us to go stay with her when shes alone, we never go. bc we dont want to clean after her. or when she comes over to our house she just. barely does a thing.

this is taking a huge mental and physical toll on my aunt, bc shes physically disabled (severe migraines caused by a bubble in her head, and recently due to her bad workplace her right hand and arm are also not doing well), and even tho she kind of brought this on herself (but indirectly encouraging my cousins behavior), its still really upsetting. whenever we go to their house, my sister and i try to shoulder a part of chores, bc 1) our aunt shouldn't have to do everything by herself and 2) we were taught to help. my parents never had any tolerance for us slacking off.

cut to last week when we went to their house, and it was a huge war zone. my aunt kept shouting at my cousin for things that werent her fault (like her asking for approval or complaining about sth someone did), and on the other hand my cousin kept dodging the chores, and when my aunt asked her to do ONE thing she kept snapping at her and complaining like it was a huge deal (it really wasnt. example: my aunt asked her to put her clothes which she had already folded and put on her bed away. my cousin snapped at her that she would do it and she should get off her back and then kept complaining that her folded clothes arent bothering anyone and she shouldnt be forced to put them away. this is not an exaggeration.) i also realized that part of the problem with their relationship was how my cousin kept complaining about everything to my aunt, which makes my aunt go insane bc she needs a break from the negativity, but my cousin is very clingy and would call her multiple times a day just to bitch about sth. and hey, i also bitch about things to my mother, but i dont call her that much when shes/im away, and also i try to balance it with good fun stories. i know my cousin isnt like having a very bad life, she just likes to complain about everything. but this, coupled with her insistent need for approval, and her clinginess, makes for a bad recipe.

so, when i finally had a private moment with my cousin, i told her that she needs to do chores, and this would do wonders to the current tension! i said this very gently and very quickly bc i didnt want my aunt to overhear us, and my cousin started crying and nodding and said she would try. this made me feel a bit calmer about the whole situation, until the next fucking day when my grandparents came to my aunts house and my cousin, u guessed, did nothing to help my aunt. at one point my sister found her kissing her cat instead of setting the table, and it made us both extremely mad.

i think that gently talking with her wont do good, bc she'd probably do the same thing again. i feel like i need to be more stern and a little bit harsher to hammer the point home, bc apparently she doesnt understand anything unless its shouted at her. im not gonna shame her or anything, im just gonna say that she needs to a) continue her therapy (which she has dropped for 5 months) b) take her pills regularly (which she doesnt) c) enforce a clear boundary between herself and her mother no matter how close they and d) do the chores. if she doesnt do these stuff, then she wont be able to get any sympathy from me, and my sister. also cant complain about it anymore if she's not going to do any fucking thing to improve her situation.

so, wibta?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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lostinwalmartmymomleftme · 2 months

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What r ur dreamswap headcanons :3

Have to redo this bc Tumblr hates me:

* 7 each

* Human Ver. Specific

Dream

Dream 100% has something that’s dedicated to Ani, (hospital, orphanage, medical organization, etc.)

To add more depth to him being Latino, I choose to believe he’s Chilean-American

He doesn’t like to be touched, but would never correct anybody on it because he doesn’t want to offend anyone and he doesn’t view it as a priority or concern

Only has one scar and it was prior to the incident (tm), nightmare, dropped a bowl, and a shard of the ceramic cut dream deep enough to form a scar, and subconsciously Dream doesn’t want it to heal, so it doesn’t fully heal, though it is fairly faint, it’s on his wrist directly above the bone

He’s probably some form of genderqueer, yeah, doesn’t know it and refuses to look into it because he just doesn’t view it as important, he probably goes by pronouns

His magical blondness, skips a few streaks of his hair, so he has black streaks that he dies blonde to match the rest of his hair

Canonically multilingual, speaking both English and Mandarin, though I would like to add that he can fluently speak Latin, modern Spanish, and French

Bonus: Dream does that OCD thing (w/o actually having it) where all of his pens when they’re laying on his desk are at the exact same place, in a perfect little row

Nightmare

He sits in trees and people watches, like he sits up in trees, kind of in forests and watches people on picnics and fun little family outings, and tries to imagine what his life would be like if it hadn’t been what it is

His hair is extremely heat damaged, because he totally straightens it (it’s the only thing about him that’s allowed to be straight /j)

Extension on him canonically being Latino: I think he’s Peruvian-American

For some reason collect bottle caps (like the little metal ones you get on alcohol bottles (he doesn’t drink though))

He has a peanut allergy

Despite being an insomniac, whenever he does actually sleep, he starfishes

He doesn’t like looking in mirrors, there’s anything wrong with it, there isn’t really reason why he doesn’t like it, he just find it unsettling and he covers the one in his room with a blanket

Ink

He has one of those canopy beds, but the actual canopy part is custom painted and embroidered (by himself) with band logos, TV show logos, characters he likes, etc.

He is really bad at spelling, professional emails are more like word scrambles

If someone were to ask him to draw them, he would draw them, claim he made mistake, tear it up, then draw a stick figure, and give it to them

Usual Ethnicity one: he actually doesn’t know his ethnicity beyond being Latino, but he is Cuban-American

He’s emo and claims his favorite color is black, but it’s orange which is equally as bad

He has no real gauge of his own pain tolerance and usually has to be forced into medical situations by other people, usually Dream when he reports back to him

Ink’s allergic to bleach and ant bites

Cross

He hasn’t had his first kiss

He uses Old Spice cologne in the classic scent. But he does it to a NAUSEATING level.

He’s Irish, ethnically. I don’t make the rules.

He’s minorly lactose intolerant

This man owns like five Tamagatchis

He makes really good bread for some reason? Like this man SLAYS a sourdough

Cross uses 3-in-1 bodywash

(This is a Tamagatchi if you don’t know)

Blue

This man wears hair curlers to bed 100%

He’s really bad at math

Probably advocates for eating healthy (being a yoga instructor, possible influencer)

Blue is so ADHD to me

American-Italian/Portuguese

Has never made a bed in his LIFE

Blue seems like the kind of man who would burn water

Error

Clean freak, he prefers to keep the house clean, but it ends up a mess anyways because Cross and Nightmare always end up messing it up

Easily the best driver of the Meme Squad

His lock/homescreen is an inspirational quote

LOVES the rain, finds it calming and loves the smell of it, but hates getting caught out in the rain (loves the aesthetic, hates the actual thing)

Maybe American-Moroccan?

He likes dark fantasy books

Was top of his class when he had been in school, prior to his amnesia

Kevin

Can read. (Can’t write (no thumbs))

Can and does steal from the meme squad

Bonus:

How long I think it takes DS to get ready in the mornings:

Dream takes a solid hour and a half

Blue takes an hour

Nightmare takes 45 minutes

Cross and Ink take 15-20 minute for the sake of layers

Error and Finch take like 5 bc they dress really basic

dreamswap by @\onebizarrekai

#dreamswap #dreamswap dream #ds dream #dreamswap finch #ds finch #ds error #dreamswap ink #dreamswap error #ds cross #ds ink #ds nightmare #ds blue #dreamswap cross #dreamswap nightmare #dreamswap blue #dreamswap headcanons #ds headcanons

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some-murmurings · 3 days

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so I've known I was system (unclear if I'm workin with OSDD 1-b or HC-DID) for ~2 years now, and I feel like I've gotten just about everything out of exploring it I can for the foreseeable future.

One of the things I've really struggled with is that so many systems are deeply invested in Fandom and I, bluntly, am not.

Not a judgment, just not something that appeals to me much for whatever reason(s). I bring this up because, when I was first exploring our system, I found there was way too much instability to identify/create concrete coherent "alters" in the common sense. My response to this obstacle was to use SimplyPlural as a shell for short-form poetry (generally prosaic bc formatting is hell on mobile) and engage with my 'selves' as closer to extremely distinct "modes of being" rather than full people.

Again, not a judgment, systems are different for the exact same reasons any people are different. I made just as many (if not more) totally subjective judgments about what my "self" and "selves" really were. I do, however, think the differences between me and the predominant system culture on Tumblr are EXTREMELY interesting and imply a bunch of cool stuff about the nature of our identities (and identity in general (but that's for later)).

For one: much of your "system" is utterly constructed. It's built. It's the result of an honest-to-god artistic process of deepset self-reflection, a series of creative social choices to present yourself(s) to others in the best way you know how. This is HOW any of this is real, not some "gotcha" that proves we're all fake or w/e.

For traumagenic systems, there's an underlying pathology that informs these choices in (as far as the medical discourse is concerned) that the neurological mechanisms which primarily influence self-identification are heavily disrupted, leading patients to actively create lenses they can view themselves through (or so the story goes, issues w/ this narrative imo).

I think it's extremely notable that many "endogenic" systems 1) have trauma disorders that disrupt their sense of self (e.g. OCD w/ psychotic symptoms) or 2) otherwise have environmental stressors that create similar emotional conditions to the "actual DID" systems among us (📮)

So, yeah, Endogenic systems ARE choosing to be like that. OSDDID systems are too. The self is always a social construct. This isn't news.

I do, however, see a common tendency (especially among 'bodily a minor' systems) to engage super carelessly with this artistic process.

This should be fun, it should be expressive, play is extremely important to human health, and you should totally be as imaginative as possible. The weirder you are, the better.

But. Shit like "bodily a minor"? Horrible idea. Really catastrophically bad idea, y'all, there are SO MANY different ways to explore the internal mechanics of your system that do not actively jeopardize your safety in the way and to the degree that misrepresenting your physical age does.

I think the feelings that the "mental age vs body age" dichotomy reflects are totally valid and SHOULD be expressed, I just don't think we're doing it smartly.

I respect age regression 100% but, psychologically, age regression is completely different from age advancement. Completely. It's a one way road.

So far, my best bet for expressing the "older" parts of us is to talk about parenthood instead. Caretaking. Or, responsibility, ethics. Sometimes we identify with eternal/timeless concepts, like "nighttime" or "love." That way the realities of age (and thus existing safety measures) are preserved while still allowing you to communicate effectively with other people.

I have more thoughts & critiques that I'll post more about later, for those interested, but if you want to see what I meant by "shell poetry" or "modes of being" my SP is:

the-murmuring-system

#system #pro endo #endo safe #osddid #osdd #DID #osdd system #did system #tagging still confounds me #poetry #fuckin #bodily age?#syscourse

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c0rpseductor · 4 months

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i think one of the really frustrating parts about my ocd is like

i have the lying by omission or being accidentally misleading fear a LOT (esp as it relates to disclosing my abuse history) and also the same compulsion to seek reassurance as like anybody with ocd, but i also have this terrible thing where i recognize that my thoughts are unhelpful and illogical but get convinced that if i talked about them people would be mad at me.

like if i mentioned as an example "donation posts are bad for my ocd bc i feel morally obligated to reblog them and experience serious anxiety and discomfort until i do, and if they have any guilt-inducing language it compounds the effect" then my fear ends up that people would respond like "well it IS your obligation and you are being a bad person by making it all about you and comforting you in your privilege." basically like worrying that actually my ocd IS reasonable and those standards ARE objective and people WILL be mad if i try to work on it.

and ofc that also makes it really hard when i DO say or do something wrong related to my ocd, bc then i will have weird anxiety about it for ages but not be able to tell anybody or ask for help managing it down to reasonable levels of guilt bc then i'll feel like that's "making it about myself" and that actually the guilt is the only thing tethering me to acceptable behavior and so on. and usually the thing i've done wrong is small, so it's like, i feel ridiculous for being upset about being Evil Forever And Needing To Always Atone And Watch My Behavior over basically nothing. and then that ALSO makes me feel like i'm making it about myself and need to be watched and disciplined EVEN MORE. so even the smallest thing i do wrong can send me into like ages of self-policing and "you are so [insert bigotry here] and if you don't [list of compulsions] you will be irredeemably awful. [list of compulsions] is the only way to make up for what you've done. reaching out for help just means you don't want to accept the necessary discomfort that comes from being good and care more about your personal comfort than what is morally correct."

And this is just how i live my life every day and i have to try to just deal with that without having insane incredibly visible meltdowns which is always literally all my brain wants me to do bc part of me will hope people see that and Absolve me of my usually imagined wrongdoing. but this emotional reaction also counts as Bad (see above).

idk why im really going into all this beyond that i wish more people understood what moral ocd is like and how it manifests and that people who have it are not just like, chronically online or whatever. ive had my ocd symptoms made fun of as me being like, too much of a tumblrina goodie two shoes who needs to lighten up before, and it's really frustrating. like believe it or not i KNOW most of this makes no goddamn sense, but i have a mental illness that causes anxious obsessive spirals and compulsive behavior to mitigate that crushing anxiety, so outside of ERP or medication i cannot in fact Just Chill. like it's not a personality flaw of too much prudishness OR being too self-concerned and fragile to do The Work of unlearning bias (attitude i have also seen about ocd symptoms). it's a fucking disability

#uhh ask to tag

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phtalogreenpoison · 2 days

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bit of a vent,,, bit of a pep talk,, read below the cut

sometimes i want to go off my meds. i'm like it's annoying to be dizzy all the time and sometimes i go kinda flat emotionally. like i'm not numb or apathetic (been on too high a dose and i did NOT like that) but still.

but i know if i do, my mood swings are too hard for me to handle. i get angry all the time and i try so hard not to lash out at people i care about.

and yet i still miss the highs. i miss the days where i felt like i was pouring out creativity, writing a song every day, funny and carefree (or anyways, less anxious). i miss not needing as much sleep to function.

and i can't even say "oooh that's the demons talking" bc my ocd ass will be like "what if you actually ARE evil and possessed??" which i know isn't true, but still.

and yet. it's hard to know that i am reliant upon another person prescribing me medicine and hopefully not judging me for it, especially when i might have to change doctors soon. that if i ever run out, i'm likely in for a very bad time. that the side effects might catch up with me. that certain things become more likely for my body.

also that my memory is fuzzy for chunks of my life. i don't feel like i'm getting any smarter, like i'm actively declining. i am in my 20s.

it's just kinda the grief of realizing my life might not be exactly how i planned it, that i might not be capable of as much as i thought, at least in the way most people do.

and yet i persist. i keep going. i take the damn pills every single day (or try to). because that is currently what is best for me.

but like hell am i going to judge someone who refuses medication. it better damn well be their choice, and i regret every single day judging someone in my past for being rebellious and violent without ever considering WHY they were that way. what society pushed them to without ever offering a hand back up. because the system (at least where i live) is broken, especially in regards to mental and physical health.

and i'm one of the lucky ones. i realized pretty early on what was going on, even though hardly anyone believed me at first, or that i was exaggerating. or that i was "normal." (great way to never trust yourself or think that you're manipulating or gaslighting by saying you're Hurting, by the way.) i can afford the co-pays. i am so, so lucky.

and yet, i'm still hurting. i want attention pretty much near constantly, especially from my favorite people, but i'm a quiet person who has a hard time reaching out. i doubt myself pretty near constantly and have extremely low self worth, even after so long of putting in the work to actively better myself. i hate people easily, based on one comment they say, or think they're fantastic for barely any reason. (and i can feel myself emphasizing what i want people to see, so people pay attention to me)

i'm still me. horribly so. beautifully so. even when i don't know who that is on the bad days.

please keep going. i promise it's worth it. i can't promise it always gets easier or better, but i can promise it's worth it.

especially for the people who love you unconditionally, without reservation. and for yourself. if you're not there yet, that's okay. you might never get there fully, but it's still worth it. because you can still experience love and joy and grief and friendships and relationships of all kinds and community and culture and and and. for the brief walk we have upon this earth, there are wonders to see and experience.

hold my hand in this darkness together. we shall sit as long as you need.

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halloweenkills · 2 months

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tell me ab ben and harley 👀

HHIII okay so. let me ramble hold on

some Benjamin Hart facts:

serial killer. reason number one for the forseen tumblr discourse, because not only is he a aerial killer but he's also got Mental Illness and like don't get me wrong i understand the trope of making mentally ill characters evil is bad but he doesnt kill Becuase he's mentally ill okay. he kills people as stress relief and also just happens to have ocd and a tendency to hallucinate.

reason two for tumblr discourse: he's an addict, specifically self medicates with morphine which again. has nothing to do with why or how he kills people. it actually makes me Less likely to kill because it's another form of stress relief.

his father was a psychiatrist and Ben was also sort of... off even as a child, miscategorized as antisocial but really his brain is just wired a little wrong like he just Doesn't Get It when it comes to social relationships and people in general, so as a result his father kind of like medically experimented on him as a kid trying to help but nothing seemed to work. he was in and out of hospitals a lot as a kid, got a lot of unethical treatment (shock therapy and various medications to sedate him and hypnosis) which obviously like kind of just made him Worse.

he feels emotions so strongly that he doesn't know what to do with them and he also never really could figure out how to recognize which emotions are what so. that's really the biggest factor in his being a serial killer. he feels love so strongly that it becomes obsessive so as a child it was expressed through violence, and as an adult whos learned self control/regulations as least a little bit it now leads to some rather stalkerish behaviors. and maybe some light kidnapping. (but it's fine bc Harley loves him back. NOT in a Stockholm way though I know people would argue for that too)

his parents immigrated from Austria just before he was born and they're like Rich Rich like old money in the millions Rich and he was homeschooled, so despite living in America he has a mostly Austrian accent. German is technically his first language though he learn both that and English at the same time growing up. he's also from Chicago and has never left Chicago and was more so raised by his parents staff/nannys so his accent also has some hints of Chicago in it at times.

his mother died when he was young like 9 or so. she had cancer and Benjamin killed her to put her out of her misery. she was his first victim. he also killed his father when he was older but that was malice not love.

he's 31 years old + in modern terminology (the story is set in the early 1990s) fits the definitions for agender as well as being on the asexual and aromantic spectrums but he would never identify as such. he just doesn't care, he's fully apathetic about it. he considers himself to be a gay man but even that label is like pointless to him.

there's several iterations of him so some things are a little different from when I first made him but as of currently Ben is also a psychiatrist, bc it's really all he knows. specifically hes working at a university.

WHICH is where Harley comes in! Harley was actually created by a friend of mine for the sole purpose of shipping with Ben so like none of the following was created by me, im just stating facts.

Harley is a Jewish, half Pakistani and half romani, immigrated to america as a young child, grew up in California before coming to Chicago on full scholarship. i can't remember what his majors called but his ultimate goal is to find a cure for aids.

another reason for tumblr discourse is the age gap. Ben's 31 and Harley's 24. also Harley is autistic so that just leads to further infantilization. (and I also know that people would bring up the fact that Ben is German while Harley is Jewish like. that means anything at all)

AND the "power imbalance" of Benjamin being harleys psychiatrist (and in some iterations just one of his professors)

more harley facts bc i got sidetracked: he has a tendency to never sleep bc he works as a stripper in a gay club during nights then spends all day at school or in his lab doing research. (he's got a private lab fully funded by the uni)

and harley while not a serial killer is kind of unethically preforming experiments on dead bodies (which are often illegally obtained but Not by killing them)

the plot of the story is sort of scifi ish in nature with harleys research leading to growing living organs in dead bodies. and that's a major conflict in the story where harleys like "Ben you can't kill people it's wrong" and Ben's like "harely you can't resurrect people some would argue that's also wrong"

I also can't remember harleys full name at the moment but I remember his initials spell out the word 'help'

and anyway Ben and Harley are just so in love and are soul mates and just 100% belong together in a way that is inherently obsessive and toxic (on both ends)

AND spoilers for the end of the story. aids is a major theme throughout the story, as is tragedy, and resurrection. so i think u get where im headed with that (one of them dies and the other resurrects them out of love. but they come back Wrong because you can never truly have eternal life)

#august.txt #answered #woo oc lore #ALSO Thank You for give me a reason to tak about them

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rebellum · 2 months

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Had a weird convo yesterday about meds with a friend and one of her friends. They were both adamant that psychiatric medication is like a training wheel while someone learns to deal with their mental health via therapy.

So I pointed out that like... no? No? A lot of people need to be on psych meds their whole lives, and that's okay. And my friend conceded that there MAY be OCCASIONALLY some times when someone shouldn't go off of meds. But her friend was adamant about that never being case.

So I mentioned that I will likely be on meds my whole life, because my brain is broken. And as soon as I said that her friend was like "NO. NO. NO. NO." While I was speaking.

And so I just let it drop, because I frankly didn't care enough about this convo to push it. I've met a few people who have that stance, who have depression or anxiety from life circumstances or trauma. They assume everyone is like them. People like me are the 1 in a billion unmentionables (which is odd, since the rate of schizophrenia is 1 in 300 people, and the rate of bipolar disorder is apparently 2.8/100, OCD is 2.3/100, and 4.2/100 have severe adhd. While I don't fit neatly into categories like that, it means about 8.43%* of the population has any of those. So it's not as if people like me are super rare.)

So I assumed that she wasn't super duper mentally ill.

And then a few minutes later she mentioned how she'll be going off an anti-psychotics soon??? So that was wild. Cause it's like. Shouldn't YOU understand why some people need to be medicated for life.

And then later my friend was like "well I hope you don't have to be on meds for your entire life"

And its like.. what? But it's fine. Like, rn it's expensive, bc I don't have insurance and one of my meds isn't covered by provincial health insurance, so yeah it'd be like to have that extra $150 per month, but like.. it's fine? I'll have to wear glasses my entire life. I'll be taking hormonal birth control to control my periods until I'm like 50. It's really not that big of a deal.

Idk it's weird bc people who don't know the intricacies of my mental health often insist I CAN survive off my meds. And it's like, sure, okay, with therapy and a good support system and maybe if my brain changed enough then I can survive.

But I shouldn't HAVE to survive dealing with having a psychiatric disability from extreme executive dysfunction, mood swings, delusional episodes, paranoia, ocd fixations, hallucinations, anxiety, and depression. Like, even though therapy can help me deal with living with it and mitigate things like ocd intrusive thoughts, and therapy before I was on meds helped a LOT with managing my moods, managing my mental health was still like being chained to a giant dog that eats cats and chases cars and barks at all hours of the day and shits everywhere but at least now knows "sit" and "come".

I'd rather thrive with meds, than merely be surviving off of them.

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frecklystars · 2 months

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Hi!! I’m the same anon who sent the last American Psycho ask! That makes so much more sense to me and thank you for answering the question for me!! I’m sorry if it came from left field! I definitely understand making up your own version in your mind lol, more power to you Keri!! I haven’t seen the movie book in a bit (my sister loves it though lol) but I do know there is the ambiguity of him as a narrator which in a way reminds me of OCD-like intrusive thoughts. Idk if that makes sense lol, but thank you again for answering me!! Patrick Bateman should definitely stay in your fictional bodyguard lineup & he would 100% take out anyone who tries to come into your inbox to start anything! Thank you again, Keri, you are very sweet 🧁😂

HI SWEETHEART!!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Thank you for being so polite and respectful when asking me the questions!! You are always welcome in my inbox ok!!!! You never ever have to apologize for asking me stuff!! I love getting to talk about my interests, even if it's "coming out of left field" it didn't feel that way to me! I enjoy getting to ramble, as you can see from my long ass replies 😂😂

Thank you for having faith in my answers in general sfkslfdsf I have only seen the movie twice and I only see maybe... roughly an hour of it, I have to look away from the worst of the gore scenes, so... my own perception of Patrick is already skewed from how he's portrayed in canon, even without me trying to "fix" him, simply because I Won't Look at what he's doing 😅 my perception of him would be wildly different if I watched the full film without looking away (I would cry profusely and refuse to even touch his character) but I guess that's the best part about fictional characters is that you can simply cover your eyes and say "I Do Not See It" if they do something you don't like, you can just change it about them. He's been helping me feel so much better about self shipping with villains again. I feel like my old self again when I think about my version of him where he's protective over me, slowly and gradually stopping his murders bc he's so focused on making sure I'm safe (maybe he's a little. hm. obsessive. and his feelings are not reciprocated. but that's OK with him) and!! that's how self shipping with a villain is supposed to work, you're supposed to feel good and have a fun time, even if you make them out of character in the process. I'm hoping that Patrick being my... [squints] not my boyfriend, but not not my boyfriend either... my... my uh, my boyfriend-who's-not-my-boyfriend... slash... bodyguard... is going to help me ship with TF characters again in the future. I need to get back into the habit of looking at a villain and saying "you!! you'd love me and protect me no matter what! even though you're a criminal and you're evil and awful and terrible! you have empathy in your heart and I can bring that out!!!" and I think Patrick Bateman is like, advanced levels of villainy. If I can feel safe/loved with him (which I do! 100%! no doubt in my mind, can you believe that!! wow!!!) then I can eventually find a way to feel safe/loved with ANY F/O!! That's the goal anyway!! 💕💕

And that makes total sense and I completely agree with you!!! There is a scene in the movie where he has to take prescribed medication, we don't see what it is bc it's just... labeled with his name + address + "take only as prescribed" written on the bottom. A lot of ppl speculate this is something he'd take for OCD because of the intrusive thoughts, as you said! And others think it might be for something like a personality disorder. In the book he takes two valium (that's what a quick internet search tells me) which is an anxiety medication. I definitely agree with you, I think he experiences intrusive thoughts of some sort, he experiences -- uh, SOMETHING, there is SOMETHING going on in that chaotic brain of his

AND THANK YOU!!!!! I love the idea of him wanting to be my bodyguard and he's all enthusiastic. "This star girl I keep having dreams about wants ME to PROTECT HER?? I can do that NO PROBLEM!" But my F/Os Ken and Driver and Officer K (etc etc etc like a dozen Ryan Gosling characters) are all surrounding me like London Tipton's dad's bodyguards from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, where the bodyguards all surround him to the point where you cannot see him LOL. That's my Ryan F/Os with me every single time Patrick is even breathing within a 100 foot radius of me

Anon sweet anon, beloved anon, I am giving you the biggest hug. Sharing my cupcake with you 🧁😋 Thank you for being as equally sweet, even more so! I hope you have the best day ever <3

#anonymous #asks #keepsake #your last couple of sentences made me say 'AWWWW' out loud #YOU ARE SOOOO SWEET #GIVING YOU THE BIGGEST HUG I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!

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scoutsbiggestfan · 2 years

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ok bc people noticed my other post heres some more yay!!! im gonna try to make this more organized, i typed the other post on my phone so it was a little messy.

reminder some of this is shipping stuff. theres also gonna be some serious topics in here ...

CONTENT WARNING!!!!!! tw for substance abuse, eds, talk of dysphoria (idk if i need to tw that but im gonna just in case,!!), self harm

- all of the mercs are autistic and queer in some way. half of them are trans too heres my hcs for that... plus some other stuff ! - scout: trans (ftm) bi, autistic, adhd, dyslexic. he/him. ! - soldier: pan, autistic. he/him. ! - pyro: bi, nonbinary, aroace, autistic, adhd. he/she/they/it. ! - demoman: gay, autistic, adhd. he/they. ! - heavy: gay, ace, autistic. he/they. ! - engineer: pan, nonbinary, ace, autistic. he/she. ! - medic: bi, aroaceflux, autistic, ocd. any. ! - sniper: gay, ace, autistic. he/they. ! - spy: bi (pref for women), transfem, autistic, ASPD. he/she/they.

- talking about spy woo!! i feel like spy would have ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) but she does know about it and medic helps him and acts like a therapist if needed :D!

- (tw for substance abuse) because of spys ASPD for a while they were dependent on alcohol. i feel like it played a part in his relationship with scouts ma and he reacted to “this is very bad for her and [scout]” by leaving them without saying anything. i think that she really wishes the best for the two and means no hard feelings against either of them

- (tw for eds) i feel like that with snipers antisocial behavior and autism he gained a lot of anxiety, self doubt, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. for a while he was almost completely dependent on the bare minimum (coffee and a few snacks every so often, probably) and didnt even really realize how destructive it was until medic pointed some of his behaviors out to him (privately, of course).

- (tw for dysphoria, self harm) scouts dysphoria was really bad for the longest time. i feel like he had no idea how to cope with it well, so he ended up self harming as a way to cope. he ended up using art as a way to cope instead, but he def got his surgeries done by medic.

- speaking of his surgeries, scout very much so appreciates the fact that medic did the surgeries for him. it may not look or sound like it but he is so glad medic offered to do it because it was one of the happiest days of his life

sorry for all the serious stuff... lets get a bit more lighthearted!! this is ship stuff x3

- ok for bushmedicine i feel like sniper did a lot of opening up so medic learned a lot of new things about him very slowly, but he LOVES every new thing he learns. like "oh, sniper just mentioned a favorite animal? thank you for telling me i will never forget it"

- engiespy... this is more of an idea i came up with, but i feel like engie confessed first, and spy was absolutely mind BLOWN that he had no idea how to respond and for once was just. shocked. and engie took it badly so then he felt really bad, and apologized... but he slowly realized he has feelings back, so he started hanging out with engie more (just checking in on him and seeing what hes working on) that eventually he just. told engie. who was super excited!!! (then they totally made out)

- sniperspy? hell yeah!! i feel like spy would be “totally shocked” that he likes this rugged, piss throwing, bushman. but yes he does love him... at finds him very attractive... which is new for him but he doesnt mind it because snipers hot ok. she would fight for him. sniper on the other hand was just? he just found spy super attractive, like “holy shit thats really hot, shes really fucking hot” but didnt say anything until spy said something first (because she was tired of waiting...)

- sniperscout?? yuppppppppppppp!!! sniper doesnt come around a lot on the days off, so scout took that as an opportunity to talk to him about stories hes already told the others. sniper (surprisingly) enjoys listening to him ramble, so scout comes coming around more often, and they just slowly grow closer. very opposites attract trope but i love it

#team fortress 2 #spy tf2 #sniper tf2 #engineer tf2 #scout tf2 #medic tf2 #pyro tf2 #heavy tf2 #demoman tf2 #soldier tf2 #tf2 headcanons #tf2 #i hope some of these are okay... ik they are pretty serious topics #queer #lgbtq #trans #scoutsbiggestfan hcs

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winemom-culture · 1 year

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My endocrinology appointment wasn’t good and I’m sad

My heart rate and blood pressure were both high. These things, weight loss, and my eye symptoms were the initial symptoms of my Grave’s back 2 years ago. So my doctor was like… I think you might be hyperthyroid again based on your heart.

But I don’t really know if my heart is a great metric. Bc like, my heart rate is always high. Especially at the doctor when I get anxious. I told her this, but in order to consider it not related to the thyroid she wants to see my bloodwork (expected) and a cardiologist work up. Which, that part feels a little excessive to me when I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong I just have a little bird heart. Arrhythmia runs very heavily on my dads side but it gives them problems with palpitations, I don’t really have those often, just like a fast baseline constantly. When I first got diagnosed with Grave’s my HR could’ve been 130-40 easy RESTING, so I sorta feel like 120 while anxious (what it was today) is relatively better? When I’m at home it definitely feels like normal until I exert. She’s like “You have to stay on beta blocker until you get your heart under 80 bpm” and I’m like lol. No offense but my heart is like never consistently under 80 even on the beta blockers 🥲 beta blockers became a big crutch to me last year and I feel like getting off them made me feel weird even though they are non-addictive I am semi-convinced that’s why I became so hyperfixated on my heart in my big anxiety spiral in 2021. I really don’t want back on them….

The thing I’m definitely NOT experiencing now is weight loss. I did the math and I’m like 80 pounds heavier then when I started going to her in 2020. And she has said that is from the thyroid medicine. Not that the medicine is bad, it’s doing it’s job of blocking thyroid hormone, but in turn that slows my metabolism a lot. I’ve tried to express my concerns about the constant weight gain, the fact that I feel like a ravenous monster, that I just can’t get a grip on it at multiple past appointments and I feel like she kinda brushes that off, always just “so anyways about that heart…..”

So now I get blood work next week for a moment of truth to see what the deal is. If I’m hyperthyroid I have to get back on my meds and probably consider surgery to take it out (that I don’t have time, money or a support system for- because my parents would be against this. That’s a whole other insane can of worms.) OR I am still in a balanced thyroid state but have to go figure out what’s wrong with my heart.

My health OCD is immediately revving up about being alone at my place, like “you don’t want to be alone all the time with high heart rate and blood pressure do you? What if you stroke out and die? Right there where you’re sitting?” Which is funny, ‘cause yesterday I didn’t know any better and was perfectly fine being alone, while presumably in the exact same boat healthwise. Ignorance was bliss

I’m feel like I’m gaining like 5 pounds every time I step on a scale and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, I literally have to get it figured out and under control this year. I’m totally just overwhelmed and don’t know how to start or how to truly stick to it. I cried my whole way home and I’m getting myself worked up again venting this out. Hope I can keep that pain fresh in my mind as motivation. Real meltdown hours. I don’t want all these problems at 26. It’s making me think about stuff down the road, what if I decide in 2 or 3 years I do want to have another kid after all? I genuinely don’t think as it is right now I would be medically advised to try. It only gets more high-risk as I get older. The thyroid and fertility/complications go hand in hand. It’s like, y’know, that’s awhile down the road there’s still time, but I’m 2 years out from initial diagnosis and as of right now I feel much more vaguely unhealthy in a general sense than I did then.

I just wish there were a more receptive endo around here but as far as I can tell from looking in the past, this office is really the best we got rn.

#long vent post

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kiilonova · 1 year

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i am so like. metaphysically exhausted i feel like im going thru so much rn i just need to vent with timestamps

like i have zero money so my card declined on my medical bill today and i have to make a bunch of phone calls to places that are only open on weekdays. and i have to prepare for a market but my heart is just not in it. plus ive been waiting to hear back about some other freelance stuff but it hasnt happened yet. so i just keep working on little bits and praying that it will work out. esp bc i have a tattoo appointment i made for my birthday to keep from totally spiraling but i obviously dont have the money for it right now.

and i have to go talk to bf's parents on monday and convince them that im telling the truth about anything w regards to moving. when they dont respect me and think im just some fairy trying to steal their daughter. and the thing is i am but its obviously for the best. and my parents are excited that im moving back but they cant really help me until july and mostly once we're already over there. and bc of how little money we have were gonna have to get rid of most of our stuff and either fly or drive a car across the country.

and all of this while i am getting sicker and sicker and ive just been getting sicker for years and usually it gets better in the summer but this year it isnt so im really worried about that. all i want is to sit outside in a pretty dress with a fun beverage and draw and write but the reality of my situation keeps creeping in. and its crazy bc the thing is pretty much everything aside from the medical bill is already sorted out and being dealt with and i just have to wait it out. i just cant get over how stressed out i feel and thats whats holding me back from fixing things, leading to them getting worse. they increased my ocd medication but the pharmacy hasnt called me yet even after two days when usually they have it same day.

what is going on. im exhausted. i havent slept properly in like two years. i survive off chocolate chips and microwavables and vitamin supplements. i spend most days alone in my apartment sitting by the window on the computer. this is not living. this is not living. i am supposed to be outside talking to strangers. i am supposed to be making the mistakes of a young adult. i turn 20 in 10 days. i have not been able to stay sober longer than 3 days in a row. i have near-constant short term memory loss. my vision is fading. i cant stand. once a week i go to the park and run until my ribs hurt, which is only about 3 minutes. i wear dresses over my hairy legs and combat boots. i get boba tea and coffee and ice cream when i have 10 dollars in my bank account. why isn't it worth it to live a beautiful life? why is responsibility the beginning and end of my life? when do i get to fuck up without being incessantly punished for the rest of my life?

when i was 17 i came to the startling realization that when something bad happens to me, that is the punishment. before that, and even still, i believed that i had to endure the bad thing and then be punished for the fact that the bad thing even happened. then one day i spilled olive oil all over the kitchen counter and my father helped me clean it up and asked if i was ok. to this day it sticks out as a dream, as if something so kind could ever happen to me. and yet i feel like if i had not been treated with so much hostility, i never would have been radicalized the way i am today. i cant prove either way, but i know that the hostility i am constantly faced with is unwarranted. yet it continues, so what am i doing wrong? the answer is obviously everything.

writing this has calmed me down. i am one of the few who benefits from journaling, even performative journaling, which is what this website is based on. one day when i die just a little bit before my time, my now-bf future-husband will compile my unpublished writing and art and notebooks and tumblr posts into a chronicle of my life, and then i will finally be beautiful.

#cro vent #i promise im fine except that i have no money

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ocdhuacheng · 2 years

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Hey, so can I ask about the thought process (idk words but anyway) behind why you headcanoned Hua Cheng as having OCD cuz I'm very interested? :0

KSJDNKSJDFN sorry it took so long to reply to this I promise I wasn’t ignoring you I was just overwhelmed this week and then after I actually sat down to write out my very long answer I accidentally unplugged my computer and I LOST IT ALL so sorry but this version Is going to be rather incoherent and missing stuff probably bc its pretty much just copied and pasted from one of my discord rambles/previous posts bc I don’t have the energy or memory to rewrite everything how I had it before.. but ive kept u waiting long enough so. Yeah. Sorry.

Also if I sound salty at all its not anything directed at you im just pissed at myself for writing like >3k words all in tumblr like a fool and not backing it up then accidentally yanking on my computer cord like RIGHT as I was going to post it. But I promise im actually very happy getting asks like these even if it takes me a long time to respond ;_;

So anyway basically the tldr version is that I have ocd and I love rubbing my terrible little projection paws all over my favorite characters, but also I do genuinely think that what we are shown of hua chengs personality and actions does naturally lead to the headcanon that he has ocd (and ocpd), kind of like how it seems very clear to me that wwx has adhd and lwj is autistic.

Longer version under cut bc. Well. Sorry in advance lol

So. To start off. my ocd got suuuuuper bad in my second year of college, like to the point where my parents and psychologist was considering putting me in a hospital, so i know how awful ocd can get. and because of that ive always been kinda annoyed that all the ocd """""rep""""" in media is just comedic relief kinda stereotypical clean-freak perfectionist haha look at this weirdo sort of thing. like I was barely functional I couldn’t do basic tasks the majority of the time. ironically, my room was extremely dirty and messy despite my main obsession being about contamination. so yeah not all ocd manifests as the spotless perfect room perfect closet perfect desk or whatever the fuck. sometimes its the opposite. I also got put on academic probation bc I failed all but one of my classes (the one I passed was an art class. Lowkey think that class was the only thing keeping me out of a psych ward that quarter. lol. But anyway. That’s a different conversation) BUT ANYWAY it was all around Awful. Like idk it makes me feel kind of stupid for being such a mess before my medications when everyone just sees ocd as a joke or something. like for example, i loove death the kid soul eater, and hes a good character to make fun of urself after you’ve been medicated for ocd, but i wouldnt exactly call him good rep lmao. But after that relapse episode, I kind of really really really desperately needed a character/story to relate to about it but yippee! there are approximately zero (0) canon ocd characters that aren’t comedic relief! but anyway, i know hua cheng isnt canonically ocd but i was actually able to project on him alot from what we got of his personality (and i do gotta say, sorry but despite my attachment to him i dont actually think hes written all that well, but thats another rant), and its part of the reason why i love him so much bc hes like, definitely my biggest projecttion in this regard. so anyway

i mean theres no argument that his personality and actions are very. obsessive, and rather unhealthy to a degree, especially when he was younger, not so much as he matured over literally 800 years lol but he still has some hella issues. so like, [gestures to all of him] with how he chose xie lian as. HIS PERSON, and proceeded to revolve his entire personality and life around him is obvi v obsessive, i think its very obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is slightly different than just ocd, one difference being (besides ocd being an anxiety disorder and ocpd being a personality disorder.) in that with ocpd, you dont really think theres anything wrong with how obsessive or compulsive you are, while with ocd it causes a lot of distress. (i havent been formally diagnosed with ocpd, but i do think i definitely at the very least have tendencies in that direction too. Like with certain things i know what im doing/thinking is irrational and it upsets me, but with others im just like. why cant other people see this the way i do? why cant they just understand why this is important? like I just get so! Angry! all the time! with people or in general when things aren’t how I want them to be. I get so judgemental even when other people cant possibly know how specific my standards are like I know its bad and I know it makes me act like a bitch and im sorry) anyway……….. sorry about the tangent but back to hua cheng. he is never distressed by how much he fixates on xie lian, the only thing that distresses him is his own percieved shortcomings with how he cannot serve xie lian the way he wants to. im not sure im explaining this well but i do definitely think hua cheng has ocpd as well. his fixation on xie lian actively prevents him forming meaningful relationships with other people, and even causes a lot of antagonism between him and others (especially fxmq). he just doesnt think anyone else is worthy of his attention. which is obviously, very unhealthy and kind of sad. (i do like to think he grows out of this a bit like with yin yu and he xuan, even if he doesnt want to admit it. AND YUSHI HUANG, bc i am also a ysh/hc brotp propaganda machine as well, and well because she was the only one that was willing to help xie lian during the war too. gay lesbian solidarity mwah <3)

so this ocpd thing.. i believe it extends to things like how the temple in ghost city, or paradise manor, is set up, he'd be classic perfectionist for the layout of it all, probably gave yin yu a lot of grief over it every single time he changed his mind and decided to burn it to the ground or redecorate it because it didnt seem good enough anymore for the hypothetical day when he can bring xie lian there. i dont like to think hua cheng treated yin yu badly on purpose, i dont like thinking hes cruel to him for the sake of being cruel like ive seen some people imply or outright suggest, i mean yin yu is obviously overworked but i think part of that is just hua cheng is so perfectionist about certain things (how the temples and manors look, how theyre run, anything that can be used for or by xie lian in the future) and he just doesnt see that its become a large burden on yin yu because he thinks this kind of stuff is just the rational thing to do, and that everyone should put as much thought into these things as he does. and if he doesnt feel like he can get things to be set up the way he wants it to be it becomes. catastrophic lol

so thats more of the pure ocpd side, though there is a lot of overlap between ocpd and ocd obvi

one thing about ocd is like. its all about wanting to be in control of every tiny part of your life. like for me when certain things are out of my control it freaks me out so much that it basically disables me. Its why I hate planes so much despite cars being statistically much more dangerous. Because if something happens in a car I at least have some semblance of control over how I can escape the situation. In a plane youre just. Fucked. (sorry to all pilots its nothing personal I think youre braver than I will ever be but its basically impossible for me to trust you (and the engineers and inspectors) with my life like that) anyway, i despise ambiguity of any kind and i hate not knowing things or having concrete answers to any questions or worries i have. like. i couldnt decide on a hypothetical grad school because i was weighing the possibilities down to like, ridiculous perceived probability percentages of how likely a natural disaster were to occur in the area, and how dangerous said natural disasters could be, etc. (well. i didnt have to worry about any of that in the end bc i got rejected from literally every school i applied to LMAO RIP but anyway.) so you get the gist. its all just very irrational, and time consuming, and ridiculous to try to gain control of every single possible path your life can take. AND I HATE IT. that was kinda yet another tangent but, to apply this concept to hua cheng. one thing that i find super funny about him is how he always has his nose in everyones personal business like hes such a fucking gossip girl its hilarious. like jokes aside its obvi helpful as a ghost king to know whats going on in the 3 realms, but i think he takes his info gathering up to 11 like he definitely has these control issues about having to know about everything thats going on at all times, having to be on top of everyones business so he cant be caught off guard by anything. over those 800 years of sending his butterflies out recording things he was primarily looking for xie lian, but hes also just kind of. snooping. lmfao. Because If He Doesnt Know Whats Going On Everywhere He Will Die. (again)

and well. with his butterflies to help him, it does work, i mean. hes always on top of things hes always got a plan, hes always the one that people are going to in the book if theyre in trouble. He seems so put together but the things he cant get information on completely eat him alive sometimes. cant let others know that tho, bc hes Cool(TM), hes Chill(TM). cant let anyone know there are things that, god forbid, hes IGNORANT of. embarrassing. tch.

his hoarding im a little ? about because i dont exactly remember the details of it but i do know he has a ridiculous amount of like trinkets and weapons and magical items and stuff in paradise manor, but i also know he doesnt really care if they get destroyed or not, which is kind of strange but i do what i want and im making him a hoarder bc im somewhat of a hoarder and i love projecting. though now that i think about it. like if i have a big pile of something that i dont want to get rid of, but someone else does it for me without asking or something happens to it like yeah i get angry but sometimes i also just get kind of relieved……….. idk.

so now about intrusive thoughts, i bet he has suuper disturbing ones. Like we know how he was debating slaughtering those humans on mt tonglu but ended up not because xie lian would have saved them. obviously that was already a stressful unusual situation but like i dont think that kind of thing gets any better even when hes just like. chilling. he gets visions of himself burning ghost city to the ground or attacking humans or destroying his own ashes or otherwise causing harm to others, like yin yu. like he pretends he doesnt care about yin yu and he xuan and stuff but i do think hes fond of them, but he tries to keep his distance because 1) hes dumb and 2) he gets really freaked out by these violent thoughts he has about them. the worst is, when he finally meets xie lian again he gets these thoughts about him too and it takes literally everything he has not to like. throw himself into a volcano, or something.

and its already been established his self image isnt. great. which is a kind way of saying it. he thinks hes worthless and ugly, esp if he does even the slightest thing wrong. I mean I definitely think hes better by the current timeline of the book, but it still reads as a kind of precarious thing to me? Like he wants to be a companion to xie lian instead of just a servant like wu ming, but even after 800 years he still feels this inferiority and disregard for himself u know? If im explaining in an okay way? and body dysmorphia is also something that can be ocd related. OH and i forgot to say this before but ocd/ocpd can also sometimes be a way that ptsd can manifest and id definitely say with all that he was said to have gone through as a child he has ptsd, leading to, well, exacerbated ocd symptoms, among other things. his body dysmorphia is obviously something he internalized (for 800 years!!!) from when he was a child, and i can imagine him absolutely agonizing for centuries over his san lang form, because it was supposed to be his most perfect form, he needed to make it perfect, and he never felt like he could

similarly, for the cleanliness side of ocd that i feel is kind of stereotypical? at least how its portrayed in most media, hua cheng has been show a couple times not wanting to get things (or xie lian) dirty. he was very poor and dirty as a child so now he has the connection of being dirty = being miserable, and this is taken to the extreme when he becomes a supreme bc now hes rich and able to be clean and any dirt or blood on him or something/someone he cares about (’cant let you down the ground is dirty’; shielding the flower, etc) is like. an attack on this power he has now ? iykwim

anyway sorry this is long and rambly. if you actually read it all… respect……. Also ignore those parts where I might get a little too personal :^) like idk if it is but I feel like I might regret some of this in the morning. honks. Anywayyyy as you can see im completely normal about hua cheng im saaaaaauuuuur normal and well adjusted and I just think hes neat oky byeee jumps out my window

#yiling-patriarch-kinnie #hua cheng #ocd tag #asks #tgcf #.txt #cc #anyway a lot of this is copied from other stuff so if anyone sees me repeat things verbatim from another post/chat..... mind ur business <3

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notabled-noodle · 2 years

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I hope my last ask (adding to the delusional ocd ask) sent tumblr is being confusing idk I’m sorry. but besides that.. since u have adhd and are autistic I was wondering if u knew anything abt executive dysfunction, avolition, flat effect, and catatonia. (and also if u believe in a difference between avolition and exec dys… some say it’s that avolition includes not being able to do things u love while exec dys it for things that are like work and hygiene etc) basically! Both adhd and autism can cause executive dysfunction, autism can cause flat effect and catatonia, and other mental illnesses like depression for ex can cause avolition. Schizophrenia/spec can also cause these things. so my question is basically .. how does one differentiate what is caused by their autism/adhd/depression vs what is maybe caused by schizophrenia/spec since they are experienced in both? do they present differently in the disorders or the same? especially if one has delusions but not really hallucinations (which can be the case in schizophrenia/spec!). to be dx with schizophrenia u need two of the five main symptoms with at least one of them being delusions, hallucinations, or disorganized speech. The rest would be grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior, and negative symptoms. (Negative including avolition). and then that is also adding delusions caused by ocd into the mix. so then you technically meet this criteria but don’t know which symptoms actually belong to which thing. would ocd delusions be unique in the way that they are obsessions and also follow with compulsions despite being delusions? vs compulsions to the delusion not being present in schizophrenia/spec? is that the difference between the delusions experienced in each? also people have told me before that “if u can do something to alleviate the thought and make it go away then it’sn not a delusion” but ocd delusions get followed by compulsions which may help but not cease the delusion to exist? and it’s still a delusion?

this is very confusing I’m sorry but basically my question is that … when u have multiple disorders that causes similar/same symptoms what are tips on how to differentiate which symptoms come from each thing? and also if there is a difference between how those symptoms present in each disorder despite both disorders having those symptoms? I hope this doesn’t come of as asking u to dx me bc I promise I do not want to but that on u I kinda just wanted to talk? about this with someone? idk! get thoughts out and see if u have any thoughts on it as well I guess

And maybe how to tell if something really is a delusion or if it is not

I don’t feel comfortable saying anything for certain in this specific case, as I do not have schizophrenia or a schizo-spec disorder. I do have psychotic OCD, but yeah… I don’t feel equipped to get into the specifics of comparing a disorder I don’t have with a disorder I do have.

generally speaking, my advice for separating out symptoms is the following step-by-step guide

spend a couple weeks (or longer) journaling or otherwise keeping track of symptoms and traits

write a list of the most common/frequent symptoms you experience

write down or print off a checklist of each the disorders you think you have (or already know you have)

cross-reference the two lists, colour-coding the symptoms you experience relating to the symptoms of the disorders

if there’s anything on the list that could ONLY be explained by the disorder you think you have, AND you meet all the criteria for that disorder, you may have reason to suspect that you have it

if possible, take these lists to a doctor. especially with experiencing delusions or other psychosis symptoms… it is crucial that you make sure that there’s not another medical issue going on

it takes some time, but eventually it becomes easier to untangle what symptoms are coming from which disorder.

one last thing I wanted to say (if it helps) is that executive dysfunction definitely applies to things you want to do as well as things you have to do. it’s an issue with how the brain works, not an issue with motivation.

I wish you all the best in sorting things out, and I hope you find the information you’re looking for regarding delusions and schizophrenia

#asks #tw psychosis

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