#which makes me feel confident about my grad school apps!

[thegirlwiththelilactattoo]

No. 6, or a Writing Process

Once upon a time, my writing process was as follows: write an entire paper based on vibes and evidence from readings. Let the argument develop organically. If at some point I didn't like the writing style, argument, or anything else, delete the entire paper and restart. It didn't matter if I had 1 page or 8, if I didn't like the paper, I would rewrite the whole thing from scratch.

Most of the forms of taking stock of ideas before writing haven't worked for me. Outlines in their I/II/III/a./b./c. are too structured to be hold the all the ideas happening in my head that cannot be made sense of in roman numerals. For me, the process of writing is where I start making connections and synthesizing ideas. It's the part that I like and enjoy. I need to dump fully formed ideas, musings, considerations, secondary and primary data on a page and only then can I make sense what all the information is telling me. I couldn't tell you how one idea builds into the next or where one ideas flows into the other because I need to write it first. I need to experience it and make the connections, and develop the ideas.

As a college student, this manifested in my terrible habit of writing and deleting thousands of words until what I had on the page was as if someone had lovingly made sense of the red stringed conspiracy board in my head. This worked fine for me in college. Like was it entirely inefficient? Absolutely! Did my papers suffer for it? Nope!

It's only in grad school that I've had to reevaluate this process. In No. 4, I talked about imposter syndrome. I never used to be an anxious writer. In college I felt very confident about my skills as a write, it wasn't until grad school that I started to feel like an imposter. I'm hyperaware of how my own writing style fails to match up to scholars in the field or my peers. I am compelled to self edit constantly to emulate "good" prose and that makes writing feel impossible. It's another thing grad school has taken from me, the joy of writing confidently and unashamed.

Now that I am responsible for writing a 60,000 word document in the next 13 months, I have tried to find ways of working that support my writing and thinking process.

Mind Mapping

Mind mapping is one of my first steps to dealing with anxiety. With a mind map I am dealing with the known. The data I already have and my general ideas. It's also the most legible outline I have to convey to my committee members that thinking is happening.

My first step before writing is to summarize the points that I want to make in a paragraph. I try to cover the main ideas in broad strokes and craft a short thesis. For me, this has to be as open as possible. If it's too specific and maps out each move, I feel restricted and anxious.

Once my summary is complete, I make a mind map. I'm in the social sciences and working quite interdisciplinary, so the mind map helps me to organize my thoughts and the breadth of data visually. This is a must for me. It's very similar to an outline, but something about the blobs feels much less stressful. I've used MindMup (free) and am currently using MindNode (paid).

I basically use the mind map as a quasi outline to get the general idea of the logical path of my argument and the main pieces of evidence I'll use to craft my argument. This also serves as the basic structure of the chapter organization.

Because the mind map is relatively general, I feel free to explore various lines of thought, which then leads me to my Zero Draft!

Note: I also use a similar mind map in the literature review process either through an app or on a bulletin board like how I describe in this post.

[Alt text: Screenshot of a mind map. The original content has been covered with boxes to generalize the categories. The first node says Argument One which leads to another node that says Literature Review. It then branches off to three child nodes that say Data 1, Data 2, and Data 3.]

Zero Draft

I'm currently at the Zero Draft phase of my first chapter. This topic is mentioned in Joan Bulker's Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a day, where most of her advice for writing your dissertation is to just...write.

This is the part of writing that is really fun for me, the infodump. I use a zero draft to do all the messy thinking and linking of ideas. I leave ideas unedited and clunky. I move from section to section at my leisure. I delete things. I write notes to myself about ideas I want to develop or lingering questions that I want to address.

It's the draft where I feel free to just say anything without justifying myself. As such, I don't really make any concrete arguments in this draft. It's kind of like sculpting the body and later I figure out what the head will look like.

The zero draft is for messiness that I will then refine in a later draft. Once my zero draft is written, I have a good sense of what I actually want to say and can rewrite my first draft to most effectively say it. It's essentially like doing a reverse outline.

Closing Thoughts (???)

Writing can be such an opaque process and academia thrives on this "figure it out own your own" mentality. I've never really found writing advice that spoke to my own particular neurodivergent way of thinking, so I hope this is helpful to at least someone else!

#phdblr #gradblr #grad school #academic writing #writing advice #running away is easy #it's the writing that's hard #academics #typing mind map this much made me think of the mind palace from sherlock and i viscerally cringed

[allisnotgoodrn]

Sunday, June 25, 2023

Incident #1 - Grocery Run Detour

We needed to go on a grocery run to stock up for the week, and my sister offered to drive. Our first stop was to get water. Along the way, we ended up taking a detour because my sister accidentally switched lanes and didn't feel comfortable changing back due to heavy traffic. This annoyed me, which only made her more uneasy. She started getting agitated and went on a small rant about how I'm a terrible co-pilot, claiming that I undermine her confidence in driving.

In my typical fashion, I chose to remain silent. Speaking up would only escalate things, and I didn't want to engage in an argument that I knew I couldn't win. She always sees herself as "right" while I'm perpetually "wrong." We decided to take another detour to check out the nearby park, prolonging our journey back to the main road. My sister grew increasingly frustrated with me for not being a good co-pilot and began belittling me, suggesting that she should rely on herself instead of my guidance. Feeling the need to resolve the situation, I pulled out my phone and used the Google Maps app to navigate us back onto the correct path.

After a few moments of silence, my sister shifted the topic to her experience in grad school, particularly the challenges she faced with certain individuals. This wasn't the first time she had shared these stories with me. I had heard them countless times before, but I never quite knew how to console her. Even when I tried, it was never sufficient. It invariably led to an argument where she claimed that I didn't understand and wished I were more adept at saying the right things. In any case, I interrupted her mid-sentence to point out a Doggy Daycare building, reminding her that it served as a landmark for locating the nearby grocery store. This greatly upset her, as she accused me of not letting her express herself and preventing her from finding healing. Once again, I fell silent. When we finally arrived at Grocery store, she was too angry with me to go inside, choosing instead to remain in the car and plug in her AirPods

—

Advice I got from an AI:

It seems like there are a few key issues that contributed to the tension between you and your sister during the grocery run. To handle similar situations more effectively in the future, consider the following recommendations:

1. Open communication: Foster an environment of open communication where both you and your sister can express your feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or arguments. Create a safe space for dialogue, allowing each other to share thoughts and emotions without interruption.

2. Active listening: When your sister shares her experiences or vents her frustrations, try to actively listen and empathize with her. Instead of offering solutions or advice right away, validate her feelings and let her know that you understand her perspective. Sometimes, people simply need to be heard and acknowledged.

3. Choose the right time: Timing is crucial when discussing sensitive topics or sharing personal experiences. If your sister begins talking about her grad school struggles, be mindful of the situation and find an appropriate moment to engage in the conversation. If you're unable to provide the support she needs at that moment, let her know that you want to hear her out but suggest revisiting the discussion later when you can give it your full attention.

4. Show support: While you may not always have the perfect words to comfort your sister, showing support and empathy can make a difference. Let her know that you're there for her and willing to listen whenever she needs to talk. Encourage her to express herself and offer reassurance that you'll do your best to understand her perspective.

5. Avoid escalating conflicts: If a disagreement or argument arises, try to de-escalate the situation by remaining calm and composed. Recognize that it's okay to have differing opinions and that winning an argument is not the goal. Instead, focus on maintaining a respectful and understanding attitude, even if you choose to disengage temporarily to avoid further conflict.

6. Find alternative solutions: In situations where navigation becomes a point of contention, consider using a GPS app or device to avoid disagreements. This way, you can rely on objective directions rather than personal interpretations, reducing the potential for conflict.

Remember, improving communication and resolving conflicts takes time and effort from both parties. It's important to approach these situations with empathy, patience, and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives.

[filthyjanuary]

I aspire to be as unbothered about my interests as you are (not shade at all, I'm just always self-conscious about everything I post bc I feel like everyone's judging me and I love that you don't care haha)

omg hiiiii i'm sorry this took forever to reply to, i spent my morning finishing my grad school app and then i had to make lunch and then i got sidetracked on twitter and then watching wilbur's stream but THIS IS SOOOO LOVELY wtf

like genuinely i am really touched because i'm actually so self-conscious about my interests irl bc most people just like at best will make fun of me as a joke and at worst instantly shut me down about them so i kind of always preface anything i say with like a disclaimer about how i know x is stupid and cringe or whatever and like apologize for daring to mention it and i've been like really working on it with my therapist to like not berate myself so much irl for liking stuff?? even if it's unconventional or "bad" or "for kids" or whatever

but here on tumblr in my fun little circus tent i have always been kind of comfortable posting whatever!! like i have a few dead sideblogs from when i tried to maybe redirect some of my more 'will turn off my mutuals' interests from when i was like 16 like i have a neopets one and a one direction one but i literally dont use them and i kind of gave up on that p fast and idk if it's just bc i've had this blog since i was 14 but i've always felt comfortable just letting my main blog reflect anything and everything i'm into without reservation and maybe that's just bc when i was 14 i DIDNT have reservations? i liked what i liked and if people thought i was cringe than that was okay because it made me different than my peers or whatever and so i think that attitude and like ?? internal blog etiquette has persisted to this day even if my self confidence hasnt which is why i kind of am unabashed on here, it's bc like i never learned to be. and like if people unfollow bc they're no longer into it, that's okay! interests diverge and that's totally cool and i'm glad we were in each other's lives for as long as we were.

tldr i'm unbothered on here bc it's the only place i CAN be unbothered.

but this is very sweet and i will be saving it to look at when i'm sad because it's a good reminder that no matter how insecure i feel, maybe i'm doing okay if other people can look to me and see good things <3

#save #remember #testimonials #asks #anonymous

[thattaekwondoblog]

Green Stripe: blanking out & stuff

so this is the first belt that i really didn’t feel ready for. I had gone to practice every day in the month of January (except sundays & the last two days bc I fell sick), but in February a bunch of stuff kept me away from practice (mostly grad school apps & work). this is also the time stuff happened in my personal life which may or may not have involved some dojang members (not so much beef as communication issues in a few friendships) so i was feeling extra insecure. So much happened since this so I kinda forget but essentially the test was at the end of February and i felt #severely unprepared, despite my instructors encouraging me to test. honestly my test day was so traumatic i blocked out most of my training from that period sadly.

Things that happened:

dear reverse inner forearm block: you little shit. you absolute mess. coordination was never really my thing so that sht messed me up really bad. it is a really beautiful block though.

원효 wonyo was a cool form, even though confusing; first time that a ‘common stance’ isn’t used always. also we’re not going in straight lines anymore??? what????

i don’t remember struggling too much with the one steps except for like the order of them.

sparring! i like!! sparring!! so much more than i thought i would. the only thing i dislike about it is the Eventual Lower Belt Man who is ‘afraid to go too hard’ or ‘can’t control his strength’ and talks all the fcking time. bro shut up, stop being a dck and humble yourself will ya. your masculinity issues have no place in fighting. we all are learning so stfu and try.

I’m still very much in ‘defense mode’ while sparring; i like to observe more than attack. this is bc i feel like the ppl i spar against generally have more experience or strength and so i overcalculate everything bc i think im gonna make mistakes. this has brought particular joy to one red belt friend who Will Not Attack Me on purpose so I attack first. i love you bro but i also know as soon as i attack you’ll see all my openings and murder me. it’s def something im working on.

Advice/what helped:

some days you’re gonna feel awfullll and it will transpire in your practice even if you try to hide it. there was one day i was Not feeling it and of course my master wanted to tease me and make me laugh as he usually does. it was really hard to not say Sir Please Leave Me Alone I Need To Be Left Alone, but i also knew I would never have wanted to take my sht out on anyone. pushing myself to practice that day was good, but also know that if you’re feeling too bad one day skipping practice is okay.

i got to know some dojang members better, which was fun! plz talk to your older/younger/higher level/other members and get to know them. even when some seem intimidating, it’s so interesting to hear everyone’s tkd stories

on the flip side, training with ppl you love and ppl you not longer vibe with so much can be complicated. im still figuring it out. i guess ive mostly opted for respect and have fun during training, not letting issues transfer to the mats. i love my instructors and tkd wayy too much to let personal issues interfere with class (even though it’s not always easy to do).

the belt test:

nothing prepared me for how this test went. i was stressed about it bc i was feeling unprepared but the week before I went to practice very often to try to catch up and in the end was feeling a little more confident. the test day arrives and my body feels ok until im called up. i was the only one testing in my category. My mind felt fine, I stayed focused, but my body... started shaking while i do my techniques. and it was only the first part of the test. i was like wtf bc id never experienced anything like this before. then came the form. I began and after the fifth move... i got tunnel vision and my mind went blank. even the grand master was trying to help me and my master asked me to relax. i started again and finished, albeit not greatly. the one steps are a blur bc i just wanted to get back to my seat and disappear. I saw stars when i sat back down. pretty sure i was about to faint up there. my master came to check on me after the test saying my face became white through the test. why? how? i dont fcking know. again this had never happened to me before. ive done tons of presentations, theatre performances ect... even though i felt ok mentally my body was like Nope Absolutely Not and launched in a panic attack (i used to have an anxiety disorder where i would get anxiety attacks, but i hadn’t had a panic attack in like.. years). i think it’s the combination of stresses in all the parts of my life (social, school, work, somewhat tkd) that culminated and i freaked out. i took the day off of work the next day bc stuff like this Never happens to me and you gotta listen to your body when it’s screaming this loud.

main lesson: you’ll never be fully ready for things. but also listen to yourself. it’s a veryy fine balance. it was really not a big deal that my moves weren’t as perfect as I wanted to since my master thought i was good to go I should have been more confident. at this time though, my life felt like i was going at 343242 miles/hour and i absolutely should have taken a full day of time alone to lay out my thoughts and feel more secure. bc what happens in your mind directly influence your tkd, and that’s why you need to take care and listen to yourself even when everyone else is so loud.

#budoblr #tkd #taekwondo #martial arts #mine #belts #green belt #anxiety #panic attack

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

#writers #writing #creative writing #trans #trans woman #fuck TERFs #writing about writing #writer #my writing #diary

[thelastspeecher]

Hi! So like five months ago I sent you an ask about applying to grad school and you gave me a super amazing answer. And I'm back now because holy shit I got into grad school (CalArts for Creative Writing) and in the last one you said there was a whole 'nothing list of tips if you actually get into grad school? And I got in and I'm curious what the tips are? If there's anything you've learned in the last few months that changed your perspective on grad school? Thank you so much!

First off, congrats!  That’s a big accomplishment!  Grad schools in general are competitive, and big names like CalArts even more so.

So, you want my advice, eh?  Okay.  Let’s do this.

First step is getting organized.  You start in the fall (I’m assuming), so you have plenty of time.  Find out where important locations are on campus, familiarize yourself with the area you’ll be spending most of your time in (I’d focus on figuring out where the closest bathrooms and places to get food are, personally), and invest in a planner.  Keep that planner handy.  Use it.  It’s easier to stay organized if you start the semester that way than it is to try to organize yourself halfway through the semester.  Make a monthly budget.  Decide “I will spend X amount on groceries every time I go shopping”.  Keep track of the money in your bank account (a lot of banks have mobile apps that make this very easy).  Put some of your paycheck into a savings account every time.  You never know when you might need a nest egg.  Stay up to date on your medical needs (prescriptions, flu shots [for the love of god, get a flu shot], dentist appointments, yearly physicals).  You can definitely find resources at your school to help you with some of these tasks.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find a workshop on keeping a budget or other adult skills.  Attend workshops for new grad students.

Second, look into different support systems for students.  That means student-led organizations, departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws, and general resources.  Get a support system set up right away, particularly if you are going to be far from family.

Student-led organizations will be able to help you adjust and provide you a sense of community (particularly if you belong to a minority community).  Other grad students will be able to offer advice faculty or staff might not be able to.  Don’t isolate yourself!  That’s what I’ve been doing and it sucks!  The only reason I haven’t driven myself completely insane is because I have a roommate who happens to be my best friend.  If I could start over, I wouldn’t do what I did and avoid everyone because I was intimidated.  I would stroll into rooms with purpose and confidence that I am the baddest b*tch there.  Confidence gets you far in life, particularly in grad school.

“Departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws” is a very wordy way of saying the Title IX office, disability services, offices for students of color (schools typically have different offices for different racial minorities; find out which one is best suited for you), the LGBT resource center, and the like.  If you are part of a demographic minority, find out where you can locate help immediately.  If something goes wrong related to your status as a minority, you need to nip it in the bud RIGHT AWAY.

General resources are things like mental health services, university health services, survivor services, etc etc.  If you have any history of mental health issues or have been in therapy at any point in your life, I recommend jumping into counseling immediately, even if you feel like you don’t need it.  Just talking to a neutral party will help you more than you think.  Most schools offer free counseling for students, too.  If they don’t, then that’s really fucking weird, but they should be able to help you figure out a method for you to adjust smoothly without it being too much of a drain on your wallet.

Third, learn from my mistakes.  Good lord, learn from my mistakes.  I had a disastrous first semester at grad school.  I was overwhelmed, completely out of my depth, and the one thing I thought I was doing right I discovered I was actually completely fucking up.  I entered my second semester on academic probation and probation as a TA.  How do you learn from my mistakes?  A few ways.

The first time you TA (most grad students TA at some point), insist on someone observing you.  The department should automatically observe all TAs, particularly new ones, but it’s possible to slip through the cracks.  That happened to me.  The head TA was too busy to observe TAs my first semester, and I didn’t find out that I was a shitty TA until I was in a meeting with department and university head honchos, who were effectively accusing me of hating my students and hating being a TA and sucking in general.  That’s paraphrasing, and definitely not completely accurate, but that’s how the meeting felt to me.  I got by only because I explained to them “I am autistic, I struggle with new social situations”.  The extenuating circumstances in my situation allowed me to try to TA again, but this time with some accommodations and outside assistance.

Related: If you are disabled, disclose it to the department.  Disclose it to the higher-ups and the professor who will act as your advisor.  You don’t need to disclose it to anyone else, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to tell the people you will be working for.  Even if you have amazing coping skills, disclose it.  I’m damn good at pretending to be abled.  But my disabilities still bit me in the ass.  New situations and stress have a tendency of exacerbating symptoms.  You can’t expect everything to go smoothly.  And you can’t expect the department to hold your hand or even recognize what’s going on with you.  I’m the first diagnosed autistic grad student my department has ever had.  They had no clue how to handle that.  You’ll be going into a field that tends to be a bit more liberal than STEM (like my area of study), so you might not run into the issue of “uh we don’t know how to help you, please talk to some people at the office of equity”, but it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Related: If you are disabled, get your ass down to the disability services office and get accommodations.  Immediately.  Start the process over the summer.  Larger schools might have a more complicated process to get accommodations than smaller schools, so you need to get the ball rolling right away.  Even if you haven’t felt like you needed accommodations recently, get the ones you had in the past.  Don’t assume you’ll be fine without extra help.

Don’t take too many classes your first semester.  And make sure the ones you do take aren’t all super difficult.  I fucked up my first semester, bc I took three upper-level classes, two of them in chemistry.  Yeah, three doesn’t sound like much.  But when you’re juggling adjusting to grad school, starting up your thesis, and being a TA, three classes is a huge fucking amount of work.  I’d recommend two classes, maybe one of them difficult, the other one sort of medium difficulty.  Of course, you have to talk to your advisor for what works best for you, but I highly HIGHLY recommend starting off with a light class load your first semester.

When things start going south, bc they probably will at some point, don’t just keep your head down and try to force yourself through it.  Talk to the family members you are closest to (I’m very close with my parents, so I talk to them when I’m having issues, but it could be a sibling or an aunt or uncle or cousin).  Talk to friends.  Talk to a counselor (PLEASE get a counselor your first semester).  Talk to your advisor.  Talk to the other grad students in your department.  You should be able to find at least one shoulder to cry on, if not a whole bunch.

I said this before, but don’t isolate yourself.  Please don’t.  It’s easy to avoid people when you’re stressed.  Don’t do that.  Reach out to other grad students in your department.  Make friends.  Go with them to coffee shops.  I wouldn’t recommend starting out by going to bars, bc that can be a slippery slope, and you shouldn’t have friends who only have fun while they’re drinking (that’s not a healthy behavior).   My grad school has a really nasty drinking culture that contributed to my avoidance of other grad students, but hopefully yours doesn’t.  And even if it does, you should be able to find someone who won’t want to always go to the bar.

Fourth, be confident.  I said that before, but like the “don’t isolate” thing, it’s important.  I’ve always been a confident person.  I took a huge blow to my confidence when I started grad school, bc I felt like I was surrounded by people with more experience (which is an objective fact, but doesn’t always have to be a bad thing) and more knowledge and more accomplishments and who had their lives together.  I was intimidated, for one of the first times in my life!  I’ve always been a top-tier person, cream of the crop, A+ honors student, go-getter, award-winner.  But in grad school, literally everyone else is that, too.  And that’s not a bad thing!  Sure, some people might be braggy, but other people will be more humble.  Having all this experience in one location is good, bc it means you have more help.  You have people you can talk to who have connections, who have run into problems you might run into, who can offer a unique perspective on things.  That is SO GOOD.  And if you’re still intimidated, think of it like this: You got there, too.  You’re just as good as the other grad students, otherwise you wouldn’t be there.  You have just as much potential, even if you don’t have as much life experience.  You have something unique to offer to the school.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been accepted.  And it’s not like everyone else actually has it together.  Some people might, but most of the other students will be as lost and nervous as you (esp other first year students).

Fifth, toot your own horn.  It’s related to being confident, but not quite the same.  Talk about your accomplishments.  Tell people what you’ve done.  Try not to come off too braggy, but don’t hide your light under a bushel.  You have to promote yourself if you want to get anywhere.  You’ve already succeeded at it once, since you got into grad school.  Keep it up!  Oh, and don’t be afraid to toot your own horn when someone else is making you feel intimidated.  I was at a thing where one guy kept going on and on about how he’d been to this country, and that country, and tried this wine and that food and yadda yadda yadda.  I got sick of it, so I cocked my head and stopped him in his tracks by asking him if he’d ever been to Kosovo.  He hadn’t.  He’d been to a million places, but there was one that I had him beaten on.  That was a huge confidence booster.  You have your unique experiences.  Share them.  And don’t be afraid to use them to stop a braggart from controlling a conversation.

Sixth, stay healthy.  Mentally and physically.  Walk most places (that’s how I get my exercise), bike, do yoga, jog, whatever.  Get some exercise.  Eat well.  Make your own meals, keep track of whether you’ve had a vegetable today.  See a counselor, vent to friends, write in a journal.  Most schools offer wellness workshops where students can learn how to keep themselves healthy.  Look into that, particularly if you struggle to eat well or keep stress down.

Seventh, take a short break if you need to.  Grad school culture is intense.  People work way too long for way too little recognition.  Stress kills.  Burn out can make you question your path.  Say no to a third side project your advisor wants you to do.  Take a day off, or an afternoon.  Take a long weekend.  Make sure that things won’t fall apart while you’re gone (in my case, I would get lab work done the day before), let your advisor know you won’t be coming in today for health reasons (you can keep it vague), and then spend your day doing anything but work on your thesis.  Don’t give in to stress and burn out.  It will wreck you.

Eighth, enjoy yourself!  Grad school can be hell, but it can also be fun!  You’re here to learn and gain experience and, hopefully, not hate every second of it.  My own grad school experience has been roughly 92% hell and 8% fun, but I wasn’t prepared when I came.  I did the opposite of hit the ground running.  I tripped and skinned my knees and my face and I’m still trying to catch up with everyone else.  Being prepared, reaching out to people who can help you adjust, those things will ensure your grad school experience goes more smoothly than mine.  Just don’t expect everything to go perfectly right off the bat.  It’ll take some time before you feel like you truly can enjoy yourself.

…That ended on a weird note, but I hope it was helpful.

You��ve got this!  Best of luck!

#whew that turned out long but I knew it was going to be long #again I hope this was helpful #grad school #rant #ask #beatrice-babe

[humansofhds]

Evelyn Nam, MTS ’18

“I am humbled when I witness the impact that my content has on people. It’s been a really cool experience to read messages from nine-year-olds to 65-year-olds saying that they are inspired by my confidence and that I'm being helpful.”

Evelyn is an HDS and Harvard Kennedy School grad and a feminist content creator on TikTok with over 655k followers and 11.5 million likes. View all of Evelyn’s work here, and follow Evelyn on TikTok (@herspective) and Instagram (@herspectivefeminist).

The Journey from Academia to Social Media

I came to Harvard Divinity School in 2016 for my Master of Theological Studies and then went straight to the Harvard Kennedy School where I pursued a second master’s program for two years. So, I ended up graduating in 2020 into the worst economy possible, and an especially hostile one for Asian individuals. 

The year 2020 was a year of reflection for a lot of us, and personally it really gave me the opportunity to process all the education and experiences I had collected at both HDS and HKS, and to think about how I wanted to utilize and leverage them to make a difference and have impact. This led me to start creating content on TikTok. 

I started posting on TikTok somewhat as a joke initially, but when I began to notice just how toxic, racist, and sexist the app was, I decided to address it; and here I am. 

When you live in a white supremacist patriarchy, everyone else faces the risk of being dehumanized. Therefore, when technology is added on top of it, it's even doubly dehumanizing because it is much easier for people to attack and harass each other fueled by the anonymity of social media. There are people on the app who make destructive content and actually get celebrated, recognized for this. Seeing this happen up close was revealing and showed me that I had been living in something of a progressive bubble. 

HDS especially is such a spiritually progressive place that it made me think that the world couldn’t really be that bad. So, in a way, TikTok, Instagram, and social media influencing gave me a wakeup call. My education at HDS and HKS helped me in different ways. HDS emphasized the tenet of leadership, most adequately expressed in the ability to know and understand where the other side is coming from. I don't have to meet them where they are, but I have to know where they're coming from and to extend empathy even to those with whom I disagree. This does not mean that I should stop calling them out, or that I should stop speaking the truth, but it does mean that even though they might have successfully demonized somebody like me, an East Asian woman, I can still humanize them. This is a really difficult thing to do, but HDS really hammered in its importance for me.  

Friendship as Activism

Additionally, HDS validated my voice and my eagerness to intervene when something is happening that shouldn't be happening. It validated that it is important to trust our instincts for justice, to get involved and to use our power and privilege to get in between somebody who is getting bullied and someone who is bullying them. And so, when I saw bullying happening on the app, how could I not feel called to intervene? If I had turned a blind eye, who was I helping? 

As an MTS student with a focus on Religion, Ethics and Politics, I had structured my course selections in ways that would enable me to be a good feminist. So, while I took gender courses, I also took courses about forgiveness and spiritual counseling because I wanted to be an effective friend to women and non-binary individuals who wrestle the most with patriarchy. There is a lot of religious illiteracy on the app, but I am grounded in my own knowledge that Jesus is a feminist, and a loving God. 

As a progressive Catholic, I may not agree with the church, but I agree with God. I am confident of his love for Black folks, for indigenous folks, for people who are marginalized, struggling, or poor. When God is represented as an authoritative, cosmic being responsible for punishing people and managing punishments, it bothers me because that narrative instills fear in people and it traumatizes them. What I would love to see instead is a more diverse representation of different religions. Right now, the app lacks this, so there's an access gap there that is exacerbating the religious illiteracy problem.

Highlighting Marginalized Voices

TikTok recently made a public apology in which they admitted to having suppressed the voices of LGBTQ+ content creators, stating that they did that because they were afraid that LGBTQ+ creators were going to be bullied by the public. And my response to that is, well they should have reprimanded the bullies instead. 

I think about the many activist content creators that I see, especially Black queer women who talk often about oppression and are so insightful and wise. They don't get as much traction and they have a harder time reaching audiences and going viral than white cis women do. As it currently stands, the content that easily blows up is usually put out by cis white women with “pretty privilege”. The more marginalized identities one has, the harder time they have on the app, so it is quite literally a microcosm of the world. 

One of the reasons why I'm still active on TikTok is that I can utilize my platform to highlight marginalized creators. There is a community in that; we see each other and talk to each other even behind closed doors, and this is necessary because personally, as an Asian woman this has been a really tough year. And one of the things that made it even more difficult was feeling like I was isolated or that nobody cared about my struggles. But through this app, I have met a lot of people who do care about my struggles and care about marginalized identities. 

The  second thing is that I am humbled when I witness the impact that my content has on people. It’s been a really cool experience to read messages from nine-year-olds to 65-year-olds saying that they are inspired by my confidence and that I'm being helpful.  

Practicing Selfcare and Healthy Boundaries

I think my version of internalized misogyny is that I still believe that my role is to self-sacrifice. This is what makes me a great advocate to begin with, because I jump to the defense of people who are struggling without really caring about the risks it might pose to me. 

However, it is not always healthy to think that my role is to prioritize everyone else above myself. It has finally reached a point where that is not working anymore, so I have some unpacking to do there. I am now realizing through social media activism that if I show up all burned out, I'm not good for anybody. So no, I don't think I'm an expert at selfcare yet, and I think being open about that is important because I hope that by being vulnerable about my own internalized misogyny, I can encourage other women to be also open about their own. 

This presence of vulnerability is something I miss about being in the HDS community. HDS is a really special place, and I want people to know that. It is an exquisitely compassionate place, and your time at HDS probably is the only time where you will get to be as vulnerable, authentic, and honest as you can be about yourself and all your flaws and still be accepted, loved, respected and valued. 

The entire culture of HDS is that all anyone has to do is to show up as who they are. And I would like to encourage everyone at HDS to fully know and understand that. 

Interview by Suzannah Omonuk; photos courtesy of Evelyn Nam

#Harvard #Harvard Divinity School #harvard kennedy school #selfcare #catholicism #gender #activism #large