#why do I hurt myself so much

[puppyeared]

i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed

#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant #its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things #we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt? #i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an #me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could #feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly #accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore #what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back #with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other?? #why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used #to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this?? #i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting #for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our #bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us?? #im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70 #yapping #vent

[coolnonsenseworld]

I wanted to say that outside of semantics and divisions - I am simply happy to find communities that welcome with kindness - that welcome you by a good heart and not the ability to conform. I am happy for the opportunity to be surrounded by people who care. It's a funny world we live in - making the same mistakes over and over, multiplying the same suffering by billions. I don't think I hope for an utopia anymore, I don't think such a thing exists - but you can't call me hopeless either. And that's what matters.

As a side note - this piece is set in DanceAU, which might be better known to Patrons so far, but still it was the best and most fitting option for this occasion..... also there are 12 DanceAU pieces incoming, because I might be making another calendar so. get familiar with these mutts

#klance #voltron legendary defender #klance fanart #priDEMONth #you know there is always so much happening idk what to add in the tags #i made banana bread yesterday and almost burned the kitchen (right after i asked myself how bad can it be?) i am not kidding #and then burned my arm twice trying to avoid a burn which is top ten ways to get them #its okay tho it doesnt hurt anymore #there was also my nameday which I forgot about and had a headache thorough #also when i was drawing i was considering that lance is maybe a bit too tall on this piece #he IS taller but bending like that with keith standing straight? #i mean gay? #idk about that #but i decided not to worry danceau always has heels for that #i also have been so deep in wirting hex if you dont know whats hex dw you shouldnt #but i have this love hate relationship with it everyone knows it its a sinusoid #im on my happy phase with it lately #no one jinx it it better last #all i wanted was bamf rescues and cliche tropes and now im trying to do them justice in 200 thousand words or less idk why #they could have been just fighting demons and cuddling #either way happy pride once again!!

[royaltea000]

You ever read a fic so good it changes the whole characterization of the dude in your head

#Anyway read Hedonism by an unfortunately orphaned account on ao3 #this art doesn’t have anything to do with it but I was thinking about it the whole time #It’s America x Romano set in the Lavender Scare and their characterization of Romano is So Good #I could practically see the dude in my head moving exactly how they wrote #Good Shit 🤌 #chronic pain ‘mano my beloved #I don’t know why my art style was so feminine tonight I was meaning to draw him much manlier but my hand did something else #Still slaying tho #digital art #my art #commissions open #artists on tumblr #Proud of this pose I did it myself :D #Also gave me a bad nightmare of a mean Twitter account qrting my art and calling it shit and so many people agreed and it hurt my feelings #:’( #hetalia #hetalia fanart #hetalia world stars #hws romano #aph romano #aph south italy #hws south italy #romano vargas

[sunnibits]

literally fucking sobbing screaming tearing my hair out shitting bricks looking at this image bc it hurts me SO fucking bad now that we’ve seen izzy in s2. look how fucking devoted and in love he is even THEN when they were ALREADY fucked up and falling apart. he was still so in love. he was still so fucking happy to serve. so sure that everything was gonna work out his way. that they could be happy (or as happy as pirates can be). and now it has actually gone so far that IZZY FUCKING HANDS OF ALL PEOPLE is fucking broken and can’t take it anymore. izzy fucking hands is crying because of how hurt he is. izzy fucking hands is going to leave edward teach. the man who was still in love even after he was fed his own severed toe. they have fucked up that fucking badly. it’s over.

#WHY DO THEY HAVE TO HURT ME SOOO MUCHHHH #IM GONNA CRY. LOOK HOW MUCH LOVE HE HAD. STILL HAS??? I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE #HE WAS SO IN LOVE HE HAS SO MUCH LOVE IN HIM #AND ALL HE GETS IN RETURN IS PAIN. THROWING MYSELF OFF A BRIDGE. #I’m so fucking distraught. blackhands…. god…… #most painful ship ever fr #izzy hands #ofmd #I just. i cant even convey my thoughts rn I have no idea if any of this makes sense #can anyone understand me 😭😭 #I just - god. him.

[hella1975]

i need to read more books and annotate in the margins i need to write more i need to buy jeans that fit me i need to eat more fruit i need to buy good quality headphones i need to get a skincare routine i need to talk to my friends more i need to wash my hair i need to stop treating this inhabitation as a curse. i am tired of punishing the body that has fought me for survival every day for years. i deserve little treats as regularly as possible !!

#more money would also be good but! we are working on it <3 this is a team effort im bored of being in a perpetual bar fight with myself #like sorry i havent answered my texts in months or barely sustain personal hygeine but that bitch (points at mirror) chucked a drink at me #it's okay tho we are in our enemies to lovers arc #just had a really vivid sudden 'i am in this body' moment and let me TELL you when you spend 90% of the time feeling a very #set seperation between your emotional self and physical self that is INCREDIBLY fucking jarring lmao. like oh this is me #the freckles on my fingers are just as much me as my years long loyalty to specifically prawn cocktail pringles. okay #that's cool. cool cool cool that's so cool so everything that's happened to me physically is still me okay cool #coooool cool cool. super cool btw. very angry for myself rn which never happens i normally just get angry at myself #LIKE THIS IS MY BODY! WHY DO I HAVE TO DRINK IT INTO BED AND HURT IT FOR NO REASON! WHY DO I LET PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH SO MUCH! #'i'll take care of you it's rotten work especially to me especially if it's you i'll do it but christ alive' except it's me and my body #like yeah im not happy about it bossman but we're stuck together. let's get you some nice clothes

[brown-little-robin]

あ

#Robin processes emotions on main #already I am struggling with studying Japanese #not with the language itself so much. I'm making progress on that #but with this horrible kind of anxiety #I writhe not being the best at things that I'm trying to do. I writhe wondering if I should just give up. #this is why I had a horrible time studying Greek in high school as well: can't know it well enough fast enough #it's like I'm dying a little every day convincing myself no it's FINE not to know everything right away. it's OKAY. #it's okay if you stop learning Japanese in the future and it's okay if you keep learning Japanese. it's okay it's okay it's— #hhhhhhhhhhhh #it's such a complicated language it's making my stomach hurt right now thinking about how I want to learn kanji but it's So Much #and I don't know HOW to learn it #I've never really learned a language before (Greek does NOT count) and I'm learning all the complexities of the Japanese language and going #going oh....... this is........ actually extremely much...... and I'm never going to be a native speaker....... #I'm trying So Hard to embrace dying a little to my perfectionism every day but it's HARD. WAILS #No one Told me learning a language would make me want to cry because it's simply impossible to master!!!! #WAH!!!! #I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that it's not about my pride it's about having fun and embracing Small challenge and Small rewards #I really do feel so happy every time I recognize a word or understand the grammar when watching anime #it's just thinking about the Entire language that's psyching me out #Robin learns Japanese

[annoyingboing]

WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO WATCH THIS PART OF THE SHOW AND LISTEN TO THIS SONG WITHOUT BAWLING LIKE A BABY

#THESE SCREENCAPS MAKE MY HEART HURT WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF #HE LOOKS SO FUCKING SAD IM GONNA EAT MY FLOORBOARDS #HE LOVES HER SOOOO FUCKING MUCH IM CLAWING AT MY WALLS #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel episode 5 spoilers #hazbin hotel dad beat dad #hazbin hotel more than anything #hazbin hotel lucifer #hazbin hotel charlie

[peachyyaourt]

#why do I hurt myself like this #does drawing your favourite femcel in deep anguish count as self harm #because it should #I love her so much it hurts <3 #I'm gonna try for her s ending soon #D'arce #D'arce cataliss #fear and hunger #funger #blood #wounds #pastel aesthetic

[emelinstriker]

mmmnnother idea too

#sneak peek #hyperfixation says esau cast in dnd style- but i don't think i'll do em the way i did nezha's doodle cuz that was a horrible way of shading #at least for me personally KEKW- #emelin rambles #to bed i go #i wanna try sleepin early for once #also i find it funny how as a dental tech i know why my jaw is hurting rn #muscle stress would be my guess cuz it's just the side of my jaw around the area of my left mandibular condyle #so i'm currently tryna force myself to physically relax more to try get rid of it quicker cuz it's annoying when tryna eat at times #also i was at an info meeting about a study some university students wanna do with autists regarding noise cancelling headphones #was hilarious considering i immediately began to critique the way the meeting went by telling my psychologist about #how they had the audacity to give a full group of diagnosed autists the OPTION to pick between showing up on a monday or tuesday #cuz we were all fuckin confused and one girl even had to ask like 2-3 times about how tf this would work and when we're supposed to come in #like how dare you tell us we can pick a day- that sparked so much lowkey panic and i could tell by the confusion of all- including myself #just give us a solid day DHFNDFHNDHFGNHDGH

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not? #how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe. #why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it? #just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay. #maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning. #on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

[seraphicalsuccubus]

I feel like my heart was just ripped out of my fucking chest and handed back to me with a knife stuck through it

#why do friend break ups suck so much #I’m really not doing well today y’all I can’t even hold myself together for more than 2 minutes before I start crying again #this shit just fucking hurts and I feel worthless and unwanted #I just miss having a best friend … mine doesn’t give a fuck about me anymore because of her girlfriend and I just feel so lost

[todayisafridaynight]

their playlist sucks

#rgg #ryu ga gotoku #ryu ga gotoku 2 #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza series #yakuza 2 #yakuza 7 #yakuza like a dragon #masadai #daigo dojima #masato arakawa #snap sketches #i do have an actual masadai playlist but like. i dont have to unleash those horrors onto the world #maybe one day. that'll be the day i make a spotify account and not make youtube playlists ☠️ #day long my wrist still hurts so why dont i. treat myself to the funnies :) #i have to do so much comm stuff this week this is my treat before i die #hell i might start one of them tonight since it is an aoki comm so that'll be funny #ok bye ima go make noodles i didnt eat all day

[fishy-lava]

TW Blood

sooooooo i made a thing and i definitely didnt cry while drawing this (i %100 did cry)

hell of a way to introduce myself to a new fandom ik but the sskk brainrot has been so bad and ive only been here for like a week

#why did i do this to myself #my back hurts so much #im tired #i had this idea yesterday and it gripped me by the throat and wouldnt let me go till i did it so #a gift #a very angsty gift #bsd #bsd fanart #bungo stray dogs #fanart #angst #tw #blood #blood tw #jace drew a thing #atsushi nakajima #akutagawa ryuunosuke #akutagawa x atsushi #akuatsu #sskk #shin soukoku #i want to do an atsushi version as well but i cannot for the life of me find a good pose reference for what i want to do #so we'll see #i listened to the same playlist all the way through three time while doing this #these boys make me so fucking sad

[piplupod]

my method of "getting better" has just been Do Everything Possible and latch onto whatever gives you any sense of purpose and/or joy. and i guess it's been working because i am definitely not in quite the same place that i was a few yrs ago

#like i have tried so many things #any opportunity for trying a thing that is supposed to be helpful is met with ''yeah sure why not'' #counselors love me for it LMFAO #''its impressive that you're willing to try these things :)'' girl if i dont then I'll kill myself. it's not gonna hurt me to try #if it goes badly then i have a breakdown and maybe hurt myself but then i immediately move onto the next thing #and i can always draw shitty art. thats always there for me. i can rotate my OCs in my brain. i can watch a show or listen to a podcast #those are always available if nothing else works out #and maybe it helps that i have a deadline of ''if life is still intolerable by x time then you can kill urself'' dhfjdkl #operating by that makes me want to put in more effort bc theres a time limit #also doing all these things has given me a sense of identity outside of having irl ppl around me #i couldnt control that for a long time (very very very lucky to have joined the old lady group recently) so i had to make do #and it is hard and it is scary and it is very often nearly unbearably lonely. but when u throw urself headfirst into ur own stuff #then u don't focus so much on the Aloneness of it all. and also u get to post abt ur hobbies and stuff and make friends online that way #idk !!! it is a hard spot to pull urself out of but taking a single step at a time is incredibly helpful #trying things and doing things and keeping on trucking gets u thru it one way or another #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide mention

[werewolfbarista]

Extra muscles?????? If you don't mind me asking, how does that even work, and what would be the benefit to removing them?

ive got a mutation that gives me extra accessory (see: useless) muscles in my elbows! they are connected to muscles on both sides, which means they serve no purpose <3 muscles need to be attached to bone on at least one side to actually, y'know, do stuff

it's called the epitrochleoanconeus muscle (pictures below from link)

because of its positioning over the ulnar nerve, im highly susceptible to nerve damage (particularly in my right arm, since im right handed) and i have to be really careful with what i do lest i suffer The Effects

unfortunately i can't actually get them removed because, while they r causing problems Every Day Of My Life, they're also the only things keeping my ulnar nerves from slipping out of place and getting pinched (i can actually feel my nerves moving whenever i extend my arm!)

i had surgery on my right arm back in 2020 to segment the muscle such that whenever i use my arm the muscle splays out when it's inflamed instead of just bearing down fully on the nerve. so good news is my arm isn't technically as bad as it used to be, but nerves heal extremely slowly so the damage to my arms is like, cumulative cause a few days off from work isn't really enough for them to be Fine whenever something as small as playing games on my phone can hurt me

#musings #asks #bewarewoof #disability #chronic pain #epitrochleoanconeus muscle #this is why it takes so long for me to do any art at all whatsoever #i like literally can't do much of anything without hurting myself so i have to take shit really fucking slow #it's been really hard coming to terms w this being a permanent issue for me but i joke about getting them removed a lot #just for funsies

[a-little-bit-poss]

.

#hit me that wow i survived childhood #i dont think ive ever really given myself credit for that #ive always deflected it #i always had to like present like a plan of the future to my mom so i never really carried the thought of like #not surviving #but like i was always very self destructive and cataclysmic and splitting #and i never really recognized that about myself until i really started dealing with debilitating depression in college #college and dropping out and going back #i never really synthesized that time in life as a singular version of myself #cuz i was going thru a lot of changes in those years #i am having a lil bit of a 'who am i' thing right this moment #idk #anti depressants are good #well im funny and im chill i know that much #i have music and shows that i like #i like taking pictures of my cat and making patches #painting and drawing #my brain has always been faster with ideas than words and that why i used to stutter #that and my mom wanted me to be right handed which idk but i was told that had something to do with it #ill take any opportunity to be smug because i think its funny #i angst about how i miss my family but i objectively do better the less i talk to them #im really glad i dont want to hurt myself these days