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menalez · 10 months

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Hello! Can you suggest to read anything (article or books) on comphet? Long story, I slept with men, but I didn't ever felt attraction to them. I spend nearly decade 'fixing' myself, bc my first ever experience was sexual assault and then another and grooming. And then men I tried to date dropped me like hot potato telling everyone I'm frigid, which made me ashamed. They treated me like I am defected, hinting I am mentally ill. For not acting like what women in porn act at damn age of 16 bc from watching porn they insisted they know on women biology! I did not have any sex-ed anywhere so I legit knew nothing on my own biology. I did not know I am not experiencing sexual attraction bc I did not know how it works! Just these men telling me I'm not like other women. Not passionate. Women just so happy insisted I am frigid bc of the assault trauma, but I can train myself with practice. And that it's natural state to date men and my mental health issues would heal etc. Include some threats of godly punishments. I had more horrible exp, and I only now begin to realize that while yes majority of my exp were forced and later brain repeating trauma in hopes to fix it with repeating, it was also traumatic bc I can't feel a shred of attraction to men. I was madly trying to date at least any men with 'oh maybe I will not be revolted with him, or with him, or with him, bc I need to fix myself!!! I can't live being that way!' Like, honestly, mostly anything beyond a chaste kiss on the lips revolted me, but I kept making myself endure it over and over in hopes that I will 'get used to it'. Bc I was told how I react is abnormal. I froze 99% of time and could not tell 'no' or 'stop'. I was terrified when I felt that revolt first time from a kiss with guy, bc I was expecting first kiss as the dream exp, but first one was assault from drunk adult on my 15yo self, and then second was willing, but revolt I felt was extreme!! But all media and culture told me it would be the most magical exp! And everyone around acted that way too! My life was crushed and I had no idea how to live with it. And I did not tell anyone for years, being ashamed of my 'defect', just obsessively fixing it. And when I did told, women my age or older told me it will be ok once I meet the right guy/ I can just get used to it. My health, life, education, everything suffered from the cptsd I developed. I mean, now I have no idea how I was able to do it, bc no pressure can make me repeat any of it. But I was so ashamed of being frigid. And was sure it destines me to die alone. I legit was sure I am abominated defected freak and later started to act that part. It took some horrible rape for me to stop and go 'ok I will be freak, I will die alone, I will not leave the house actually at all, bc I can't take it anymore' and only then I was able to stay safe of assault and abuse. It took me many years of therapy before I stopped being dissociated from my body enough to be aware I have attraction to women instead. And I honestly don't think I am worthy of dating bc I feel stained, unpure, and generally to ashamed with all these experiences. I mostly did that all myself to myself. Honestly my worst fear is people thinking I am bi, bc saying I'm bi would erase that decade of suffering of 'what is wrong with me' I asked for books or anything, bc it makes me feel a bit less crazy if i read on similar experiences? Some things I still struggle to put together and the level of pain I feel is extreme as you can imagine.

hey anon, i’m sorry you went through all of that. it sounds quite traumatic, some of it overlaps with my experience (not knowing what’s wrong with me, trying to “fix” my lack of attraction, being dissociated and disconnected from my feelings, not feeling the way other women felt about men)

i honestly don’t know any resources that would help you. around a decade ago, i stumbled across the term “comphet” from other lesbians and they were mainly talking about it like.. ignoring your feelings because you think you must be attracted to men, even if there’s no evidence of that in your life. the more recent sources i’ve seen into comphet & more traditional sources are often moreso aligned with political lesbianism so i dont think it’s that helpful to any actual lesbians. i’ll instead reiterate the points that resonated with me back then:

1. having to dissociate to be with a man (can also be a sign of trauma)

2. choosing “crushes” on guys mostly to appeal to your friends or fit in

3. not being able to have sexual fantasies involving men (this does not include flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, but rather actual sexual fantasies)

4. sexual interactions with men feel forced & are unwanted

5. you are unable to envision a future with a man

6. mistaking feelings of anxiety or fear or nervousness for attraction to men (could be trauma-related, i advise to look back to before your trauma & analyse how you felt)

7. you felt the need to use substances to be able to get through sexual interactions with men

8. you have had to convince yourself that you somehow like a guy and practically choose to make yourself like him, whereas it comes naturally with women & is out of your control

9. you pretend to have certain feelings for men to appeal to others rather than genuinely having them

10. building on 9, playing up a romance with a man for public image purposes

11. struggling to relate to other women when they fawn about other guys

12. having beliefs that all other women find women attractive & think men are gross, but it’s just your obligation to be with a man anyways (so it’s not something you want, but something you HAVE to do)

i cant think of others but honestly what i generally recommend is to think through your life, & especially in your case think BEFORE the trauma. it’s tough because the trauma was at a young age, but it can muddy things as there are bisexual & even heterosexual women who become repulsed my men because of trauma. so think of your life before then, did you have feelings for guys? did you have male celeb crushes? or were they only female? don’t think of how you pretended for others, think of how you genuinely felt about it.

the things you said to me do not sound wanted and it sounds like you were afraid to speak up and would freeze in fear (a common trauma response). but again, it’s hard to know whether this trauma response is rooted in having a traumatic experience prior to this or if it is rooted in sexuality. don’t feel rushed to choose a label either, it took me several years before i felt confident enough to call myself a lesbian & it took a lot of introspection into my own life because like you, i was deeply dissociated and disconnected from myself (partially due to trauma & partially bc of pre-existing mental illness). being in such a state for prolonged periods can make it hard to understand your genuine feelings, but it’s possible.

also my recommendation is also to not look through comphet stuff online lol because nowadays people use it to even mean that they are attracted to guys & sometimes want to have sex with them, it’s unhelpful and might further confuse you. i wish i could share the stuff i read in the past about it but it’s all lost at this point 😭 good luck anon, take care of urself & take ur time figuring things out!!

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curseofdelos · 4 months

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Since we're talking about asexuality in the rrverse on the dash today, here's my two cents as an aroace person

The only canon rep we have in the series (insofar as word of god confirmations can be considered canon) is Reyna and the Hunters. However, the way their asexuality (and aromanticism) was handled in the series could have been a lot better, imo

In SoN, Reyna talks about her relationship with Jason in a way that's very clinical. She doesn't say she has feelings for Jason - only that many praetors become romantically involved in a way that implies she expected that to happen for them. She does the same thing with Percy - never admits to liking him like that, just implies she thinks he could be a good candidate for a romantic relationship.

It's a common experience among aro and/or ace people who haven't realised they're aro and/or ace yet to pick crushes based on who makes the most logical sense. Reyna picks Jason and Percy because they're powerful, she works closely with them, and historically praetors paired off together. Her own feelings/attraction isn't a factor. I find this aspect of her character to be incredibly relatable! I was doing the same thing when I was her age! I doubt Rick was intentionally writing her as ace at this point in the series, but regardless, this aspect is great!

But the way he writes her in TTT... isn't. Reyna's lack of interest in dating is framed as a choice she is making rather than an aspect of her sexuality. It does touch upon comphet and how Reyna felt like a relationship was something she was supposed to want - which I do like! But then follows up with Reyna saying that she doesn't need a relationship (or a label) to feel fulfilled. While this is a good lesson, the way it's written does suggest that Reyna is simply choosing not to date instead of saying that she doesn't experience attraction (which is not a choice). It doesn't help that the words "asexual" or "aromantic" are never stated in the books, and Reyna explicitly says that she isn't labelling herself right now.

A lot of us choose not to date (myself included), but that's not why we identify as aro and/or ace. We identify that way because we don't experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. A lot of aros and/or aces do date and do have sex! Choosing not to be in a relationship is not the defining characteristic of our community, but the way Reyna is written in TTT makes it seem that way. Rick conflates asexuality and celibacy throughout the books which is disappointing.

I have similar issues with the way the Hunters are written. When Reyna, Thalia, and Bianca joined them, they took a vow of celibacy and renounced their right to have romantic relationships. This is not the same as being aro and/or ace. Hell, we know for a fact that Thalia isn't! In TTC, Thalia tells Percy that she thinks Apollo is hot, and a major point of contention between her and Zoe was that Thalia "could never leave [boys] behind". This is partly why Thalia joining the Hunters is framed as a sacrifice - she chooses to renounce romantic relationships and embrace immortality to delay the prophecy. It wouldn't be much of a sacrifice at all if she wasn't giving up something she wanted.

As an aroace person, I do like the idea of a travelling group of female aroace hunters, but their lack of interest in relationships is consistently framed as a choice. It's never said anywhere that they don't experience attraction. Because of this, I feel that Rick is misrepresenting our community by feeding into stereotypes. Again: aro and/or ace people do date and do have sex! Some of us choose not to, but our relationship choices are not what defines us. What defines the Hunters is their choice to give up relationships, not their lack of attraction. I get that he might not be allowed to talk about sexual attraction in a middle grade novel, but that doesn't excuse why aromanticism is presented this way. The way they're written, the Hunters don't feel like aroace rep to me.

I want to cap this post off by saying that I think it's valid to find comfort in the idea of the hunters being aroace! We get so so little representation in media as a whole that it's easy to cling to the crumbs we do get. A lot of the time, perpetually single characters is the closest we ever get. It just bothers me personally to see these characters labelled as aroace by the author not because they don't experience attraction, but because they're perpetually single. I think Rick could have done a lot better, and I wish the aroace rep in this series was more explicit, and took into account that there's a difference between being aro, being ace, being aroace, and simply choosing to be single.

(for reference, here's the source on Reyna being confirmed asexual:

)

#I don't feel represented by the Hunters at all but I do see why other aro and/or ace people do and I do think that's valid #I find Reyna more relatable personally but even the way she was written has issues #will stil fight to the death for her #I didn't talk about the Jo and Emmy thing in this post because I'm still figuring out how I feel about it #it's a complicated intersectional issue and I want to put a lot more thought into it before I contribute to that discussion #(I don't think it was well handled though)#rr crit (I guess)

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sailorblossoms · 1 year

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why would simon say no one has ever kissed him anywhere but on the lips before? he says this in carry on, but awtwb contradicts that?

There are 3 potential explanations:

1. Continuity mistake. Author just forgot! It's possible I guess? if that's the case I honestly don't care, because it's not actually in contradiction with the way Simon's head works (or with the fangirl section, written before CO, that the author brings up as informative of Simon's sexuality and experiences)

2. Simon is making a distinction between romantic kisses and motherly kisses. I've heard this one a couple of times, but I don’t think it fully checks out. To me, he’s blurring the lines between types of love, rather than comparing or making a distinction, when he brings mouth kisses in the context of a mother kissing his forehead. "I've only ever received romantic love before" doesn't fully make sense when it's clear that the only type of genuine love he was receiving from Agatha was platonic. Nothing Simon thinks indicates he felt like he was actually being loved romantically by her – he focuses mostly on concepts without ever examining those feelings.

The distinction that makes more sense to me is that no one has ever kissed him out of genuine affection before, and deep down, he can tell. Simon is very perceptive – whether he wants to accept or even think about it's an entirely different matter. (genuine affection vs being kissed because Agatha felt like she has to, it’s part of her role; she's not the kissy touchy out of affection type, or wouldn’t be with him considering the comphet of it all. Everything would feel like it has a different weight/meaning, and she wouldn’t even go to the movies, a typical date activity, with him)

3. Simon forgot. I've heard (and read) people say this kinda jokingly, but I'm telling you completely seriously and with feeling: he fucking forgot. This makes sense 1000% – in early parts of CO, Simon’s like “should I kiss her? should I hold her hand? what's my line here” and that's it for him. He will spend the rest of the books bending over backwards to avoid associating literally anything beyond that with Agatha (whenever she comes up, which isn’t that often anyway). He just can’t think about it. Anything beyond hand-holding and mouth kissing (two things he rarely brings up in the first place) has been turned into something abstract and removed (so removed, he even refers to it in plural – partners before correcting to partner) something to forcibly push out of his mind. (Dissociation in a sexual context could also mean that he didn’t even fully register it in the first place.)

Nothing that's in the text really argues against 2 or 3, not even Agatha directly contradicting him (if anything, it reaffirms how Simon represses things that affects him negatively; think about the context when Agatha brings it up, with a Simon in distress and having every single one of his instincts screaming for him to run (or fly), his reaction to instantly cover himself from her, etc) so even if 1 is true... hell, it could even be 4. All of the above

#simon snow #carry on #awtwb #agatha wellbelove #simon snow trilogy

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kellinrk800 · 3 years

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toko fukawa comphet no i don’t take criticism

nobody will even see this because my account just. doesnt get traction but here have a ramble abt toko’s backstory and how much i firmly believe her attraction was comphet.

spoilers for thh, sdr2 and udg

tw// ab/se, n/glect, severe bullying

toko was severely neglected and unwanted when she was a child. she grew up with two mothers and one father due to both sleeping with the same man and neither wanting their child which caused her to be mistreated. once she was locked in a closet and forced to stay there for three days without food. clearly, she grew up in a household completely devoid of healthy love. genocide jack’s development was likely a response to cope with the traumatic experiences.

her time in elementary was no different. in third grade, she was used as a scapegoat for stolen money and her classmates tied her to the jungle gym with a garden hose as punishment.

her first real “love” was with a boy who she had been friends with since elementary but when she finally confessed through a letter, she found it pinned to the bulletin board to mock her. this was genocide jack’s first kill, leading me to believe that her murders were actually a form of protection.

on one occasion (and most likely more considering her difficult relationship with understanding rejection) she was ghosted halfway through on a date after spending three days and nights planning it so that she would not mess it up. she later found out that the boy only asked her out because he lost a bet.

the most likely only healthy representation of love she ever has was through media, which is arguably extremely heteronormativity and the actual healthiness of how relationships are presented in media is debatable.

she internalised all of these things happening to her and believed she deserved them somehow, building her inferiority complex. she began to assume that people only expected bad of her and self victimises herself almost on instinct despite her nature to express opinions without care for others most of the time. her self esteem is extremely low and she often worries about being considered an “old hag” in ultra despair girls.

toko fell in love with the idea of love, not an actual person. at some point she turned to novels and writing as a way to express her emotions and she used that passion to create works of art through her novels and created a toxic idolisation of the perfect relationship with nothing but media, her family’s relationships and her past experiences to go off.

she began to let herself get hurt and internalise it which ended up building her inferiority complex even further to the point of becoming unhealthily infatuated with anyone she saw fit as a stand in for the dreamy perfect people that made her books succeed.

time and time again genocide jack and toko were mistreated in their relationships, causing their system to suffer greatly. jack began to kill anyone toko saw fit as a perfect romantic interest to protect them both, but this most likely caused her own mental health to decline as well, leading to the aggressive, startling and manic personality we saw in the games.

toko began to both idolise and fear falling in love. while she knew they would most likely be killed and she would have to cope with knowing that the police could come knocking any day if they put the pieces together, she also still purposed her life around being in a perfect relationship because it was now causing her to gain traction through her novels.

this only furthered her unhealthy infatuation with relationships. she became determined to find a man who fit her description of the perfect man and would not mislead, use, mock or hurt toko in hopes that he would not be killed and she would finally achieve her dream.

enter byakuya togami. blonde, blue eyed, rich, cold and most importantly, entirely unattainable. he was an ideal stand in, especially considering the circumstances of the killing game (jack’s unique killing style would immediately be found out). she was able to fantasise from afar without ever really getting as severely hurt as she had in the past because he simply did not care to provide her his attention.

jack had two options. kill byakuya and get executed, or suck it up. clearly you can tell which option she chose. in addition, she had all of her memories from prior to the game which most likely slightly numbed her thirst for blood. by the end of ultra despair girls, she has grown a respect for toko, a softness for komaru and even calmed jack down to the point where it’s suggested that she no longer uses her skills to murder but instead fight despair.

in fact, near the end, toko is acutely aware of what is happening despite the fact jack was fronting (they don’t usually share memories, only emotions), suggesting they may have slightly integrated but i don’t really want to make assumptions considering i do not have did and am not educated enough to speak confidently about did.

ironically, the killing game was actually good for both of their mental health’s. i’ll only be talking about toko but in ultra despair girls she was emotionally stronger and more mature. she believed she finally had a purpose other than romance and that she could fight against all odds. she even credits makoto for her newfound courage. she criticises cowards and those that remind her of her past self. she is willing to challenge her fears.

komaru had an amazingly powerful and positive effect on them both. her softness, optimism and empathy help toko’s character develop even further. when komaru tries to give in to despair, toko encourages her to face her fears. toko, who was before extremely afraid and uncomfortable with being touched, is now willing to comfort and even hug komaru. she claims she’s finally found a true friend (that’s actually human, can’t forget kameko the stinkbug) and that she found hope in her.

komaru admires toko and doesnt really mind her split personality, instead just considering it “a bit strange”, which is a noticeable difference from how she was treated by everyone else for it. toko is protective of komaru during chapter two due to her suspicion of shirokuma. later, they even sleep in the same bed.

however, when toko risks komaru’s life for byakuya, they get into an argument in which toko accuses komaru of manipulating her with terms such as “friends”, which leads to komaru showing that she really does trust her.

later, this arguably resolved after servant forces jack and toko to fight against komaru for byakuya. they fight back against servant and komaru forgives her because they are friends, which makes toko extremely happy, so much that she blushed and admits she has never had a real friend before. she thanks komaru genuinely for the first time and they try to become real friends.

toko swears she will help komaru with anything she can’t do by herself, just like komaru would do for her.

toko even stays by her side to the point of rejecting the opportunity of going to future foundation to stay with komaru :)

in the end of danganronpa goodbye despair, which is set after ultra despair girls, kyoko reminds byakuya that someone is waiting for him and he jokes that she shouldn’t remind him of “something so horrifying”. and honestly i think the fact he was able to joke about it shows that perhaps toko and byakuya found a somewhat healthy relationship as friends, acquaintances, or even just bearing eachother’s presence.

a notable addition that didn’t really fit anywhere else is toko’s scrapped execution. “first kiss prank” is the title and it consists of byakuya running towards her before toko gets hit by a roller. that says enough about her biggest fears and how badly her past memories affected her.

in conclusion, toko fukawa’s obsession with byakuya was comphet due to pressure from the media and her toxic ideals. the fact she was able to form a healthy relationship with komaru is hhh and i could talk about them for hours. tokomaru is the second closest thing we have to inmedia stated canon (fuck kodaka’s statement me and the homies hate kodaka’s statement about naegiri /j)

sources: toko fukawa’s fandom wiki, genocide jack’s fandom wiki, free time events, transcripts

#danganronpa #toko fukawa #fukawa toko #touko fukawa #fukawa touko #tokomaru #syomaru #toukomaru #trigger happy havoc #ultra despair girls #character analysis #in which i am unhealthy obsessed with toko fukawa

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roublardise · 3 years

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ok so hear me out. it's about dean co & sam being oversupportive. and also comphet.

it's very drafty bc it's a shitpost check out my ao3 for better writing <3

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Dean hasn’t felt closeted in a very long time. He never truly was, he just avoided talking about it and confronting Sam to the fact he was fucking men. Which was common decency. Switching the stories so they were about women was a move he started doing when Sam assumed Dean was talking about a woman. He just didn’t correct him - not wanting to go into That and let alone with Sam.

He had figured Sam didn’t know for quite some time and he wondered, sometimes, how his brother would react. He’d love for him to shrug it off and say “okay. I think the vampires are in this cabin.” Though it would feel anticlimactic, and maybe wrong? Isn’t coming out supposed to be this whole thing…. It was this whole thing about his gender, with a lot of people, and now he was so tired.

So tired he ended up thinking that, hell, Sam was a smart boy, he could connect the dots. So then Dean just stopped trying to conceal it, and after Benny and Crowley - what was there to add?

A lot, apparently.

Dean is only two sips into his coffee when Sam barges in the kitchen, socked feet sliding on the floor and almost making him trip. He does slow down once he crosses the doorway and tries to keep a composure - he takes a few breaths, probably tells himself to be cool.

“With such a rush, you better tell me you’re engaged.”

Sam looks down, then left and right. “Where’s Cas?”

Okay - it’s getting weird. Dean drinks some more and lays back in his chair, giving all the little attention he has to Sam. “Playing harp. What’s with you?”

“Do you…” Sam stops with a sigh. He slightly leans on his side when he starts next. “Eileen is saying…”.

“She better be pregnant.”

Sam rolls his eyes and walks up to the table. He sits in front of Dean and joins his hands in front of him. Dean is starting to think someone died. But then Sam, finally, explains in a rush:

“You and Cas are together like dating-together?”

Dean doesn’t reply right away, simply because… what? “Yeh.”

“Oh.”

Sam looks down again - anywhere but Dean. Might as well go all the way into awkward territory.

“Dude it’s been like, months.” More than that, truly.

“So you…” Sam doesn’t finish this sentence either, but Dean can get the idea.

He shrugs. “Yeh.”

And he expects some speech about acceptance or maybe more questions of why Dean never said anything. And he doesn’t want to have to say he did say stuff, but Sam is apparently unable to perceive it. Does he know Eileen is bi? It’s too early, his coffee is cold, and Dean regrets ever leaving his bed - Cas was right, there was no point.

However Sam only clears his throat, says “okay,” and leaves.

Younger Dean was wrong - it’s not anticlimactic, this short reply is all he ever needed.

So it’s not a big deal and Dean never thought it even was something Sam didn’t know - so nothing changes. And Dean doesn’t think much about it.

Except he can’t catch a break, can he?

He had time to finish his coffee this time, and he’s just reading in the library when Sam calmly walks to stand in front of him.

“Let me finish my chapter,” Dean says without looking up.

“It’s.. quite important.”

Dean finishes the sentence he was in and drops a finger under the line before staring at Sam. “What?” Sam only puts a gift - wrapped with a ribbon and all - onto his book. Dean frowns. “What’s that? It’s not my birthday.”

“Can’t I give you something just because?”

“You can, but it’s weird.”

“Just open it.”

Dean puts on a show of looking annoyed as he puts the wrapping away, but his façade gives up to a genuine confusion as he notices some fabric, purple and blue standing out until Dean unfolds it to reveal magenta. Oh god no.

He must look confused more than mortified, because Sam tries to explain his train of thought. “It’s hm- the bi flag. Bisexual flag.”

Dean can’t figure what to say. He closes his book and runs a hand on his face. This may be his most uncomfortable coming out.

“Dude-”

“You don’t have to say anything, I know you don’t like the whole.. talking. I just wanted to show that… you can be proud, you know? You don’t have to hide who you love. It’s good with me, and I’m sure it’s good with anyone, and if it’s about dad-”

“Sammy shut up for two seconds.”

Dean gestures for his brother to sit on another sofa in front of him, and he waits for Sam to be settled and perfectly silent before leaning forward. It’s worse than telling Jack about sex.

“I’m not bi”, he states.

“You know, it’s a process, right? Maybe you’re not there yet, I shouldn’t have pushed-”

“I’m gay,” he continues, ignoring Sam.

“Oh sure, it’s fine if you’d rather use this umbrella term.”

Dean is one minute away from praying to Cas to erase this conversation from his memory.

“Are you messing with me or something here? I like dudes.”

“Yeh, I got that-”

“I don’t like women.”

“Oh.”

“Yeh, oh.”

Sam isn’t meeting his eyes, instead staring at the fabric that Dean doesn't know what to do of. Sam’s probably gonna sit with his shame for a few days. It’s not worth making a big deal out of that, but Dean can’t bring himself to say it’s nothing either. It’s still something. The mistake is understandable, in a way. To Sam, Dean had way more stories with women that he actually did. And with Cassie and Lisa, well, Sam never had to know how Dean felt exactly about them. For a brief moment guilt twists into Dean’s guts - that maybe he should have talked about it with Sam… Maybe that’s how this works. But why? It’s not his business.

Dean sighs loudly and opens his book again. “We done here?” He doesn’t mean to dismiss him while looking pissed, but he is genuinely annoyed.

Sam mumbles "yeh, sorry" as he stands up, walking quickly out of the room.

“And, hey, Sammy?” He waits for Sam to meet his gaze. He throws the package back to Sam who catches it but clearly isn't sure what Dean wants him to make of it. Keeping it makes no sense, but throwing it away is too bad. So... "Give that to Eileen."

#spn fic #my stuff #spn #gay dean winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #implied trans dean as usual #spn takes

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youngerdrgrey · 3 years

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the only way to get over someone... // a Batwoman fic

About: SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON TWO FINALE / post-2x18 / season two finale — After the s2 finale, Ryan tries to be a good 'friend' to Sophie, but it does not go the way she planned (feat. an extended cut of the similar tastes in conversation).

Notes: Don’t read if you haven’t seen the finale. This picks up at the end of the Kate and Ryan scene, then continues on from there because my WildMoore heart wanted to. Under the cut because spoilers + read on ao3

Kate Kane is leaving, and Ryan might need some time to fully process that. Kate’s opposite her, comfortably seated on the corner of their desk. The beer bottle clinks against the edge of it as Kate covers her bases. The suit’s staying with Ryan.

Kate starts, “As for Mary and Luke….”

Ryan jumps in with a smile. “They are my family, and I am going to take care of them.” No questions asked. Though, with Luke and his new super suit, she will definitely have help in keeping their family safe.

“Thank you.” Kate smiles back at Ryan. “And Sophie?”

Not family. Not in the traditional sense, at least. She’s family-adjacent at best. She’s… she’s Sophie, the same person who ruined Ryan’s life and relationship multiple times, and the same person who helped Ryan build them both back up.

Ryan quirks her head from side to side. “Can I get back to you on that?” The repetition gets another grin out of Kate. Worry still shines in Kate’s eyes though. Ryan admits, “She’s saved me a lot more than she’s hurt me, so, I guess I can look out for her too.”

Kate sighs in relief. “Good. She’ll need it. She’s not invincible, Ryan. Mary told me all about the two of you going back and forth over Cluemaster. She’s tough, but Sophie’s a lot more fragile than she seems.”

Ryan has seen a bit of that. Sophie does her best to hide the cracks in her armor, but Coryana in particular stripped down a layer. Her fear for Jordan took another, even her concern for Ryan in these last few days wore at it. “And you’re about to break her heart.”

Kate nods. She seems so sure that looking for Bruce is the right move. Maybe that’s what a good trip of Snake Bite can offer: clarity. Not that Ryan’s interested in joining Kate on that other side.

“Help her through it?”

Ryan jokes, “I’ll make sure she finds a suitable rebound. There’s a pretty great lesbian bar here.”

Kate’s eyes twinkle. “Keeping it close to home?”

Ryan does not like the implication in that question. She redirects the conversation. “Call us every once in a while. And make sure to tell Mary how much you miss her. She won’t admit it, but she loves to hear it. And maybe text Parker too. That girl is so hungry for gay mentorship. And —”

“I get it. I will keep in contact.”

Ryan aims her beer bottle at Kate like a threat. “You better. Don’t make me come find you. I almost died the last time.”

But Sophie saved her then. Ryan can always do the same.

Sophie does not know what to do with herself now. There’s no guidebook on what to do when the love of your life comes back from the dead, then promptly leaves to search for her cousin. No FAQ with tips on how to handle making out with said love of your life either.

There’s a knock on her door. A hopeful part of her immediately thinks it’s Kate. Sophie will open the door, and Kate will drop down her duffel bag and helmet and say, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Sophie rushes to the door. Throws it open and — oh, of course. Ryan gives her an apologetic smile from the other side of it.

“I know I’m probably not who you want to see right now….” Ryan starts. Her arms shift around two resusable grocery bags with overflowing snacks and wine bottles. A backpack bumps them from her shoulder. She offers another smile. “I brought supplies. And I’m here to keep you company through the heartache and to take you up on your offer.”

That explains the backpack. Sophie checks, “Kate’s leaving tomorrow?”

Ryan nods. “Tonight’s her last night in the loft, and my only night crashing on your couch. If the offer still stands?”

She seems hopeful too, and nervous, like she’s bracing herself for Sophie to close the door in her face.

Sophie hasn’t exactly had any company at her place. Not since Julia. It wouldn’t hurt to have someone here tonight. Make her laugh, make her smile.

Sophie steps back to let Ryan in. Ryan glides forward. Sophie closes the door and leans back against it so she can watch Ryan take in the space.

Ryan does a full turn in the entrance. “Damn, you got it like this?” She whistles low in appreciation. Her platform converse pad along the hardwood flooring between the front door and the living room. It’s spacious with the most comfortable couch Sophie’s ever owned, her favorite coffee table, and a large TV, courtesy of a Black Friday sale two years ago. This place isn’t as nice as her old apartment with Tyler, but it’s still one of the nicer places that Gotham has to offer.

Ryan glances back at Sophie, and she realizes she should probably answer the playful question.

“I barely got it like this. Say what you want about my comphet marriage,” Sophie pushes off the door to approach Ryan in the living room, “the dual incomes made life a lot easier.” She winces. Any income. “I may have to downsize again now that I’m unemployed.”

Ryan sets her bags down on the coffee table. “Just work with Luke.”

Sophie’s eyebrows raise in confusion. “In real estate?”

Ryan gives Sophie an equally confused look. “He still daylights as Head of Wayne Security. If you work there too, it’ll make Bat stuff that much easier.”

Oh. “I… hadn’t thought about that.”

“Bat stuff or what comes next?” Ryan asks.

“Honestly? Any of it.” Sure, Ryan has called Sophie now that Sophie knows the truth. They’ve teamed up, and they really did a great job last night during the blackout. All signs point to Sophie officially being a part of the team. She simply doesn’t want to assume and get hurt in the process.

Ryan reads her silence and rolls her eyes. “Consider this your Bat Team orientation. We mostly work nights, though there are the occasional work trips. We went to a beautiful island this year for a company retreat.”

Sophie can play along. “I think I’ve been there. Shame about the fire.”

Ryan nods with a faux somber expression. “Beautiful sight, even if it did almost kill me. Oh, and we have full medical benefits, so long as you go to Mary and Mary alone. No overtime. No days off. But you get to make Gotham a better place.”

Sophie pretends to think it over. “Is there a uniform?”

“Only for me. The rest of the staff comes as they are.”

“Lucky them.”

Ryan pops the collar on her flannel shirt. “You should see me in my suit.” It fits Ryan in all the right places for being protective wear. Sophie will never say that though. Ryan’s cocky enough without being complimented.

Sophie eyes the bags. “So what’s the plan?”

Ryan perks up, their earlier bit forgotten. “Anything we want. I’ve got face masks —” She tugs them out to show Sophie. “Candy and snacks. Most of it’s vegan, so I can enjoy it too. I brought wine that I took from the bar. We can blast angry, pop music, or do sad girl karaoke. Ooh, you can call Kate a bitch again.”

“I called Circe a bitch,” Sophie clarifies.

Ryan waves that off. “She deserved it.”

“Well, she’s gone so….” Sophie shrugs because that is the point, isn’t it? She glances around her one bedroom apartment — the effects of her last break-up — and logs the empty spots on the walls where old art would’ve gone. There’s space on the bookshelves from the books Tyler took with him. After the divorce, Sophie had to physically sort through her life. What does she do now when there’s nothing to pack up, or send away?

Sophie admits, “I’ve never had another person for this. Though, Kate and I did have a better goodbye than we usually do.” Even saying that puts a little smile in the corner of Sophie’s lips.

Of course Ryan clocks it. “Oh, y’all had a good-bye then.”

Sophie’s smile gets bigger as she licks her lips. A very good bye. As the rest of the conversation filters back in, Sophie’s smile shrinks. “She wants me to go for something easier.”

Ryan hums in understanding. “Long distance isn’t great, especially when you have no idea where she’ll be.”

“Are we still talking about Kate?” Sophie asks. Angelique’s out there somewhere. Ryan spent the majority of their working relationship hating Sophie because of Angelique. If Ryan’s still hung up on her….

Ryan shrugs. “We’re all getting over someone. I am just much further along than you.”

Honestly, direct communication is not something Sophie is interested in right now. She doesn’t want to think about whether Ryan misses Angelique, or how much Sophie will miss Kate when the reality sets in. She doesn’t want to think about Imani, or the fact that Ryan has had a whole mini-relationship in these last few months while Sophie’s been frozen in grief and time.

“You know what they say, the best way to get over someone…” Sophie lets the sentence hang a moment as Ryan’s eyebrows inch higher and higher up her hairline. Sophie laughs before finishing, “is to watch a movie with a friend. You pick.”

The way Ryan’s face lights up with the power is absolutely worth whatever disaster will take up the next two hours of Sophie’s life. “Let me see what you got.”

As Sophie brings two glasses of wine over to the living room, Ryan puts a throw pillow on the ground and tells Sophie to sit on it.

“But the couch—”

“Is for me!” Ryan plops down with her feet on either side of the pillow. She looks like they’ve got church in the morning and the hot comb’s smoking on the tray beside her. “You know the set up,” Ryan says.

“True. Care to tell me why?” Sophie’s hair is fine.

Ryan’s nose quirks up the way it does when she needs to keep her emotions in check. She shrinks into her chest. “When I was sad, my mama used to play with my hair. She’d claim that she was oiling my scalp, but mostly, she ran her fingers through it. Gave me a little massage until I felt better, or went to sleep. I am willing to do that for you, if you want to actually relax.”

Relaxing does sound better than drinking a lot of wine and crying. Besides, Ryan studies Sophie’s face like she wants to find every crack and smooth it over. How could Sophie say no?

She sets the wine down and sits onto the pillow. Instinct takes over as she scoots back until her back’s to the couch and rests her neck against the side of the cushion. Ryan does a little happy dance that shakes the couch. She presses play on the movie, and Sophie watches the credits. She does. She sees that much for sure. But once Ryan slips her fingers into Sophie’s hair, Sophie tunes all the way out.

A light lavender scent hits her nose each time Ryan’s hands shift towards the crown of her head. Did Ryan put on a perfume, or is that an essential oil? Lavender’s meant to be calming. Soothing. Sophie wants to drown in it.

As Ryan massages her way along Sophie’s scalp, the world melts away. No pain, no drama, just a weightlessness that eases down her body and makes her want to cry. Her body sinks into the softness. The peace and stability of knowing hands and the right amount of pressure to send tingles through her skin. Then Ryan’s short nails get involved, lightly scratching, and Sophie barely bites down on a moan.

Ryan must still hear it. A little chuckle shakes the couch. She doesn’t comment thankfully. Sophie doesn’t have the energy to be embarrassed right now. Too lost in the feel of Ryan’s hands on her. If this is what Ryan can do with just Sophie’s head —

Sophie’s eyes fly open. She needs to get a grip.

Ryan’s fingers snake down to Sophie’s shoulders. Again, the only grip Sophie can focus on is Ryan’s. Sophie lasts another few minutes of this high before sighing out, “Marry me.”

She figures Ryan will laugh at that too. They’ve joked enough about dates, both in and out of the cowl. Ryan doesn’t even stop touching her. Ryan leans down rather than keeping the distance. The shift in position tightens her thighs on either side of where Sophie sits. She waits until her breath is a warm whisper against Sophie’s ear to let out the sexiest little laugh. Sophie genuinely stops breathing.

“If you think this is good, you’re not ready.”

In an instant, Sophie would really like to be. Ready, willing, anything and everything if it feels this good and Ryan stays this close to her. Her face is on fire as she turns her head to see Ryan. Fuck, Ryan’s lips are right there. Teasing and parted, and Ryan’s tongue dips out to wet them. Sophie drags her gaze up from Ryan’s lips to meet Ryan’s hooded, sparkling eyes. Oh she knows exactly what she’s doing to Sophie. She’s enjoying this.

Ryan’s voice still sounds teasing. “Watch the movie, Sophie.”

“I’ll watch what I want to watch,” Sophie shoots back.

Ryan takes that as the challenge it is. She holds the stare and kneads her thumbs into the backs of Sophie’s shoulders. Sophie’s eyelids flutter, and she struggles again to keep from audibly moaning. At least this time, she catches the little gulp Ryan does.

Ryan scoots back onto the couch, up to her full — albeit little — seated height. Sophie turns further, and she tries not to think too hard about looking up at Ryan from between Ryan’s legs. It must be on her face though since Ryan actually averts her eyes.

“Soph....” Ryan’s voice strains. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” Ryan started it with that ‘if you think this is good’ comment. She is not putting this back on Sophie.

Ryan groans, flustered in a way that should not look as cute as it does. “You know what! You — we — just look over there.” She takes a hand off Sophie to point back at the TV. “I am trying to be a good friend right now. To both of you.”

And there goes the fun. Sophie turns back to the TV. She really has no idea what’s happening in this movie. She doesn’t want to ask either. They’re damn near fifteen minutes in. She’s not going back in the movie, or with life. She’s not going to break down over losing Kate again. She has no reason to. She’s spent more time with Ryan this week than she did with Kate. She’s fine.

Ryan clears her throat. “Talking with her today was, like, everything I’d imagined it would be. She’s funny and witty, and she has great taste in everything. Present company included. I can see why you’d love her. And why it would be easier to not try to deal with those feelings of loss all over again.”

Sophie drops her head back against the couch. Her ceiling’s not nearly as interesting to look at as Ryan. Or Kate. “Do we have to do this?”

“We’re not doing anything else so….” Her narrowed eyes say exactly what she means by ‘anything else.’

“There are other things, Ryan.” Besides giving in to the tension that flares between them, besides shifting an already unstable dynamic past its breaking point. Probably many, many times.

Ryan holds her hands together in her lap. “Well, you’re clearly not interested in the movie, so: your call. What does the great Sophie Moore want to do with her break up night?”

Sophie’s eyes dance as she gets up to kneel in front of Ryan. (Yes, Ryan glances at her through what looks like a haze of lust and concern. Yes, she blinks, and all that emotion slips back under the base gleam in Ryan’s eyes. No, Sophie does not want to think about how many times Ryan might’ve looked at her like this without ever noticing.)

“Well, Ryan Wilder, there is one thing that I have been dying to do.”

“You have to— Sophie, please listen before we end up falling.” Ryan glares up at Sophie. They’re standing on a building that Ryan says is the best jumping point to the Bat-roof. It’s lower down, which is probably why Sophie has never seen either of the Batwomen coming.

Ryan’s face is torn between excitement and dread at sharing her red and black baton with Sophie. She repeats for the third time which button to press to shoot the grappling hook, how to angle the body, and how to land so they don’t fall off the roof.

“I’m listening,” Sophie swears. She adjusts her stance so her feet are wide like Ryan instructed. She angles her body towards the other roof — their roof. She takes a steadying breath and gently plucks Ryan’s hand off the other end of the baton.

Ryan steps in to wrap her arms around Sophie’s waist. “You have to brace yourself for landing. And please do not let go of me. I’m holding on, but—”

“I won’t let go,” Sophie assures her. She wraps her left arm around Ryan and holds tight to the baton with her right. Okay, another steadying breath, and she jams her thumb into the button. The wire flies out, and in a breath, they soar up through the air. Wind whips around them, and Ryan squeezes so tight that her face is nearly in Sophie’s chest.

For her assurances, Sophie does not stick the landing. She stumbles the moment the wire ends, and Ryan stumbles with her. Both of them clatter onto the Bat-roof with a groan and a laugh and a tangle of limbs that ends with them side by side on the roof’s floor.

The air around them is quiet and warm and still has a hint of the smoke from all the fires in Gotham yesterday. Sophie has the fleeting thought that it might be easier with Ryan than she ever expected. What ‘it’ is, well, Sophie blinks that away.

She props herself up on her elbows. “Can we go again?”

Ryan laughs. “No recovery period with you.”

Sophie gets up and offers her hand to Ryan, who takes it without hesitation. She tugs harder than she needs to. Ryan pops up with little more than a breath between them. She uses her free hand to tuck Ryan’s hair behind her ear. Lets her finger trail down Ryan’s neck.

Sophie whispers, “Oh, Wilder, you have no idea.” Ryan’s dramatic groan of reply makes Sophie laugh harder than she has all day. "Come on, round two."

Ryan pouts as Sophie heads for the stairs. Ryan points out, "I normally just jump off."

"What's the rush?" Sophie holds the door open for Ryan to come with her. "We've got all the time in the world."

a/n: We made it through season two, and I love these two so much. What about you?

#batwoman #batwoman fic #wildmoore #ryan wilder #sophie moore #ryan x sophie #mine #batwoman: s2 #batwoman: 218 #kate kane #kate x ryan #but not in a ship way just in a tag way

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anti-porn-unicorn · 3 years

Text

I’m a girl (18 now) who got exposed/addicted to pornography at a really young age, and I wanted to share my specific story on this blog so that the platform can get it out there.

Under the cut is my full story, and it’s a little long winded, so if you don’t want to read the whole thing, I bolded in purple the general topic/idea of that section. Just look for whichever of those interests you and the section will be about that. The first and last paragraph are good for context and end goal, though.

Thank you.

I don't fully remember my first exposure to porn. I know I was in third grade (6-7 yrs old, I had skipped a grade). The reason I had wanted to share my story, in fact, is because I don't see many stories with circumstances similar to mine. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. 1. The person is a victim of CSA/grooming. 2. The person was at a generally pubescent age (~11-14). And/or 3. The person experienced porn as a quick disturbance. To be clear, these stories are as valid and important as mine, and I simply think more perspectives make evidence of the effects of porn more airtight. I've never been the victim of SA, harassment, or grooming, ever in my life. My story shows the effects of exclusively porn.

The first memory I can recall about this was actually the first time I got caught. I was 6 yrs old, and very into video games,so on this day, I was playing a 3D porn game on my crappy hand-me-down laptop. I kind of knew that what I was doing wasn't acceptable, so I was sitting in my room in the corner as far from my door as possible. My mom walked in so I just slammed the laptop shut because I wasn't that good at hiding things. My mom obviously asked what I was doing, and I tried to keep her from looking, but it was right there when she reopened it. This is where the battle of it begins.

From ages 6-14 I don't have a good timeline of events but a few pop out that exemplify the severity of the issue. These are very probably out of order.

I got an iPod Touch for Christmas (~6-7), and every night I would watch porn on it until they caught on. I literally still remember some names of the sites, most that don't even exist anymore. My parents have always been amazingly caring. I couldn't ask for more. During the earlier ages (~6-8) I was put with a child therapist for fear of a deeper issue. My parents started either taking technology away in the night and/or setting restrictions on the internet. Unfortunately, between my slight tech-savvy, and my crazed addiction at this point, this wasn't a solution.

The addiction got DEEP. It warped my brain. When I had no technology, I used everything I could find.

Whenever I had access to less restricted internet, I used it. Once I asked my older cousin to use her iPod and watched it on there.(she noticed and told my mom. I remember my mom had asked me "Is there anything you need to tell me?", and I knew what she meant, but I just said "nope!" and walked away. At one point my dad's work provided him with a Blackberry, and I asked him could I play one of the built in little games. Once I had it, I watched porn. (when I gave it back to him he pressed the "back" button, and I was caught.)

I used Youtube. This was when YouTube was way less moderated (back when the app was a little old timey TV). I learned I could look up "striptease" and "nip-slip" and other stuff like that, finding more soft-core videos that could suffice when the internet in general was locked down.

I straight-up found out ways to disable the restrictions. Once I found out my mom's PIN for the controls, I went and disabled them, but changed the PIN so it would look like they were still on, and so that she couldn’t access and re-enable them. (I made it 7399. Spells "sexy". My mind was a mess.)

My parents bought a book called "The Classical Tradition". I'm just learning now as I'm looking it up that it was a Harvard Reference Library book (probably why it was so damn thick) about ancient Greek and Roman culture. I didn't know that. I had realized that sprinkled throughout the book there were pages that were more glossy than the rest, which you could see from the sides of the pages (the book was HUGE). These were the photo paper, which had the classical paintings and sculptures. And because these had nudity (Think "The Birth of Venus" type) I would regularly flip through this book when I needed a "fix". Absurd.

My parents got me an American Girl book that was made to ease worries about the developmental years. The pages on breast development / the anatomy of the vagina were what I looked at the most. When my parents had gotten me the child therapist, there was the logical fear that I might have been molested. The therapist gave me a book where there was a page with two cartoon mice, a boy and a girl. They were wearing swimwear/underwear and the point of that was "anywhere the clothing is covering is somewhere that adults can't touch you without telling.” They might as well have been stick figures, there was NO detail. But since they were in ‘underwear’ I'd always look at that page a lot. Anything barely vaguely sexual.

During this part of my life, I got no real pleasure out of this, I was just obsessed. For the first year I even watched it on mute out of fear of being caught. The lowest point during this period was when I very unfortunately filmed a video of me touching myself. I got nothing out of it and had no intent on ever sending or posting it. I was just emulating what I had been seeing. I deleted it the next day. I was 9 then.

From puberty until now (11-18) is when my sexuality was shaped by it. The addiction was far more controllable, I could spend a couple weeks to a couple months without it, but I'd always come back. Because it was now tied to my body. And while my need for it to be constant was gone, now I had to deal with the tolerance issue.

Over time what I watched became more and more depraved. I had the personal preference of hating anything amateur, because of the low quality, so I managed to avoid anything obviously non-consensual or involving visibly underaged girls, but that doesn't really mean much with the stuff the studios were putting out. During the middle points it got REALLY violent and disturbing. Bordering on torture (extreme kink) and even bodily deformation. As a young woman, I couldn't really tolerate any of the role based Kinks (father-daughter, babysitter, schoolgirl), so more extreme for me meant more extreme acts. Just absolute destruction of women's bodies for the purposes of sex. I moved away from that when tumblr banned porn and I started using reddit for it, and also during that time I was realizing how fucked up of an addiction that this was, even before I found feminism/anti-porn. I actively started trying to quit it, for good. But I always went back.

One big effect is heavy confusion with my sexual orientation. A lot of people face this, but the addition of porn for me really throws things off. Like: Am I bi, and a form of comphet/denial/inexperience keeps me from seeing women in a romantic way? Is it a mix of that and porn? (relatively likely) Or am I just straight, and the porn has completley shaped my mind (likely). 90% of the time I watched solo female content or lesbian content, and could only stand to watch certain specific forms if it included men at all. In real life I find a fair amount of men attractive but their bodies in a sexual sense are tolerable at best, but usually cringe inducing. l've never been attracted to a woman romantically, but exclusively women's bodies are sexual to me. It feels like everything in my brain that I would have been able to use in order to figure myself out has been permanently overwritten with incorrect information. Because of porn.

I've still got it bad. Every once in a while, I’ll read something vaguely sexual, or see a woman in a risque photo, and then the seed is planted. I'll always say "I'm not going to do it, I always feel disgusting after, it’s not even really enjoyable at this point, I can do better than this”. I always give in the end of the night. I'm 7 days off of it. I've been on this earth for 18 years. 12 of those years I've been cripplingly addicted to pornography. Two thirds of my life, and for as long as I can remember. I can never undo it. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, only able to achieve remission, I will always be a porn addict. I have to be careful. But I have to hope for the future. And with finding the community that is speaking the truth about this, I'm heartened to do better. To no longer be held down by an addiction to consuming my own oppression.

#thank you for sharing #you’re not alone in this #I’m glad you escaped the addiction!#submission

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