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kazumiwrites-originalfics · 11 months

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Not a Phase

SUMMARY: My sexuality won’t change to fit your ideals. WORD COUNT: ~800

WARNINGS: Internalized homophobia, homophobia, more internalized homophobia, etc

A/N: Is this about my pansexuality? Yes. Is this how I came out to my language arts teacher and like a couple of her classes (because she loved it so much that she asked if she could share it out to the class on Google Classroom as one of the best pieces of writing that quarter)? Yes. Even six months later this still hits hard I-

they’re so pretty (my first thought) but it’s not love (my second thought) …right?

not talking about guys (though they are pretty too) i’m talking about girls (not like you didn’t expect it)

but it’s not as if it’s real

or that’s what i thought.

never thought i’d feel this way; wouldn’t have ever believed i’d be gay.

if you asked a younger version of me, she’d stare up, blinking, not understanding: what does that even mean?

never even knew what it meant, not until fifth grade; never even knew a person who was “that way,” not until sixth.

it wasn’t until the end of seventh grade that i figured it out; that the mere presence of a girl could make my heart race without doubt.

i still remember the day when my eyes were wide open, realizing that these weren’t just some random thoughts; that they weren’t

normal.

that most people didn’t think girls were pretty; maybe a guy would. (my gender is a mess; that’s a different story)

it was as if all the years of ignoring it, of hoping it would go away, of denying it, (whether intentionally or not) didn’t work

like sappho and her poems was my queer awakening

aphrodite, goddess of love: her affections pulled me to a girl, not only guys.

do i really even like them? analyzing every bit to try to see what was so special about them, about girls.

(was there anything special?) (why did i feel this way?) (am i broken?) (why don’t i only like guys?)

even after i realized that my feelings were real, i still didn’t believe myself.

maybe there was a mistake, an error.

something wrong deep inside of me.

am i a joke? is this a game? why am i like this?

the confusion in me as i research seeing the multitude of names for different types of love finally making me realize and even accept the fact

that

i don’t care who i fall in love with i don’t care about what gender they are a guy, a girl, neither, or any—

that the heart wants what the heart wants, and it only depends on personality, not the looks.

but then again, i feel like i never fit into one place never gay enough, never straight enough never fully accepted by either group

“you have to have it rough, and you have to choose a side.” “you can’t have both, you can only be gay or straight.”

even now, i worry that it’s just a phase that i’m just going through something that it’s just not real

that i’m faking it. that i’ve been pressured into thinking this way

the words people say don’t help; hurts even worse when it comes from someone i know, maybe even care about (a classmate) (a teacher) (a friend) (a crush) (a family member)

their opinions drag me down; a hurtful word, a downward glance, even a quiet noise of distaste can make my chest ache, my heart hurt, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

even though i know (i’ve known for more than two years now), i just don’t get accepted by everyone, especially not the people who matter the most.

“it’s just a phase.” “you’re too young to know anything.” “you need to find a good husband.” the implications that a wife would not be accepted.

it’s really amazing to be queer, isn’t it? always happiness and rainbows.

no one talks about the shame, the fear, the hurt, from both yourself and others.

forced to be hidden in “the closet,” a shell, only showing a glimpse of my true self, of who i really am

but i just remind myself no one can drag me down. that a flag with pink, yellow, and blue shouldn’t make me want to hide.

and just because people want to hurt me doesn’t mean that i should just let them.

still, some days i feel bad ashamed pained

like i shouldn’t be gay, that it’s just plain wrong. falling prey to their sharp words; listening to it, accepting it as truth.

but on other days? i feel better prouder stronger and that’s a good thing to feel, to

know.

able to be confident in who you are without any regrets. tentatively stepping out of “the closet;” starting to tell others the truth. happiness as they accept, not caring if they don’t because i was born this way— and nothing anyone says will ever change that.

knowing deep inside you that you are who you are

—and accepting it—

is much more important than having someone else acknowledge it, accept it, be happy with it.

pride in who you are is the first and most important step to accepting yourself.

#kazumiwrites #pansexual #acceptance #lgbt #poem #tw homophobia #tw #queer #pan #internalized homophobia #tw internalized homophobia #i keep misspelling pansexual i should be ashamed of myself #i don't think i'll ever be able to write a poem as long as this #sexuality #not a phase #not just a phase

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paroladesueta · 4 years

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Part one

click for part 2 (coming soon)

She was sitting on the couch, looking like a normal mortal, but something about her, maybe the way she looked at me with the knowledge of thousands and thousand years, made it simple to understand that she was anything but human.

Mortals called her lot of names, but the two that remained popular until these days were Venus and Aphrodite. Venus and Aphrodite, two powerful names for the Goddess who was sitting on my couch, who was looking at me with a knowing yet gentle smile. How did I know it was her? I don’t know, it just felt it right to assume it was her.

I couldn’t remember why she was there, did I call her? Was there anything she knew that I didn’t? Of course there was, and maybe, it was the reason behind her being there.

But I didn’t have the time to think of more questions because she spoke to me: “Don’t you remember? You called me, quite persistently. I don’t usually come down here, for a simple mortal, but there is something familiar about you…”

Something familiar? Weird, very weird. I spent my whole life reading myths, yes, but being familiar to a Goddess? That wasn’t something I expected from myself, of course. I didn’t even write poetry about her, the closest thing that I could think of was me reading Sappho poem but that didn’t explain her being here, or me calling her and not remembering it.

“I am sorry, my Lady, there must be some mistake…” I gulped, taking a deep breath and trying to formulate a sentence that wouldn’t offend her. “I don’t remember calling you and I quite certainly don’t know how I can be familiar to you.”

She chuckled, as if I told her some mildly funny joke, and then patted the spot near her, making me realize that I was still standing there. “Take a sit, don’t be shy.” I followed her ‘order’ and sat next to her, wanting to know what she was going to tell me next. “We don’t make mistakes about such things, but if you don’t remember calling me, then I shall refresh your memory. We will understand why you are familiar to me later; I think that the reason why you called me is more important than that one.”

I nodded, trying to not make a sound; it seemed something rather important if she decided to answer to my call. “For you humans it had passed three days since you called me. You were quite drunk, maybe this is why you don’t remember, and you started calling me and just crying about how the love of your life left you, quite miserable. And how you don’t want to end up like your father, loving a woman that treats you like shit, only because you are human and you need love. You wanted me to help you, to make her realize that she loved you but you also…”

“Didn’t want to force her” I continued with a sad smile. I still didn’t remember the episode but they were feelings I had for so long and I knew that even if I did ask Aphrodite to do all that stuff, there would’ve still been a part of me that didn’t want to force her.

“So you remember?” Aphrodite asked me, I shook my head and sighed, trying to understand what I was supposed to do now that she was there.

“So, now you are here, even though I did tell you that I didn’t want to force her…”

“You are right. But I am not here to make your wish come true, you need to understand that a part of you will be satisfied though. I won’t force her.”

“Then why are you here, my Lady?” I asked her, obviously confused. If she wasn’t here to make it come true, to make my ex come back to me, then why was she here? It made no sense.

“Because I can’t let you suffer, not after what I discovered about you. You will forget her, sooner or later, you humans tend to do that, and one day, when you will least expect it, you will find her again. Both will be changed, of course. Probably you won’t understand it is her, until she introduces herself, again. So have no fear, my child, you will be freed from the pain soon enough and all that would only seem like a bad dream.”

I tried to focus on what she was saying; it made no sense, meeting her again? How was I supposed to forget her now that I knew that? It was like promising chocolate to a child and then telling them to forget about it until it was their birthday… It made no sense. Plus, what she meant with ‘not after what I discovered about you’? What did she know? What did she find out about me? “What? What did you find out about me?” I couldn’t help but ask, this whole thing didn’t even try to have any sense anymore.

She looked at me like she was looking at a child, and maybe, in comparison to her I was really a child. “There are rules that must be followed even by Gods. The fate for example, we can’t change that, I tried, few times, but even Gods have little to no power with the fate, the life and death of a person. Yes, there are things we can change in someone life, if granted to us, but there many things that we can’t change and you mustn’t know the whole truth about it. Yet, one thing I can tell you, yes, this wasn’t the first time we talked. Centuries ago you called me for the same woman, I was something else for you at the time, not only a Goddess. History tends to repeat itself in ways we don’t always understand…” And with that, she disappeared, leaving me with more questions than answers.

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