#you all do realize that Laura is 21-22 right

[youngerdrgrey]

all the pieces aren't even in the box // the morning show, bradley/laura, chapter five

about: Bradley and Laura's last few months in Montana and how the world reacts along the way (and maybe how they find their way back to each other) ~ read earlier chapters on AO3 chapter five summary: Bradley makes the journey to West Virginia, and Laura comes to some realizations of her own. (read chapter five on AO3) chapter notes: so you know, this does include some of Sandy's funeral! I think it's chill, but if you're sensitive to that, just know everything after "she's on" will be at the funeral.

~

Laura’s phone buzzes the next night.

Bradley - 8:15 PM: So much for keeping a low profile. Mia sent me this. I can never tell whose side they’re on.

Laura shakes her head with a smile on her face.

Laura - 8:20 PM: You know what I don’t understand… how am I the fake fan if I know you better than anyone? Bradley - 8:21 PM: Prove it. Name three of my best segments. Laura - 8:22 PM: Ha ha Laura - 8:22 PM: I’m partial to your Vegas coverage, but that may be about the offscreen moments.

Seeing Bradley step into the spotlight had been amazing. Her political coverage and insightful analysis were great. That being said, Bradley in nothing but a robe was the highlight for Laura. Their not so spontaneous trip had proven they were more than just fun.

Bradley - 8:25 PM: Are you nostalgic already? I haven’t even been gone a day Laura - 8:26 PM: I’d answer your question, but you may not like my answer… Bradley - 8:26 PM: To which question? Laura - 8:30 PM: I missed you before you even left. Last night, in our bed, when you wouldn’t open your eyes to look at me…. So yes, forgive me if I’m nostalgic for the first time I truly had you to myself.

.

.

Bradley runs a hand through her hair as she waits for Laura to pick up the phone. Her skin’s flushed after that last text, and if she can’t see Laura, the least she can do is hear her girlfriend over the car speakers.

The second Laura answers, Bradley’s on her.

“You cannot say something like that, and just expect me to keep driving.”

Laura laughs on her side of the call. “You know you shouldn’t text and drive.”

“I was parked,” Bradley points out. “But I gotta get back on the road, and somebody has made that incredibly hard.”

If they weren’t fighting, Bradley would’ve joked about turning the car around. But it wouldn’t be right to joke like that after yesterday. Even if a part of her means it.

“One question though,” Bradley starts, “wouldn’t the first time be that day at your place?”

Laura cocks her head to the side, not that Bradley can see it. “Which day was that?”

“The one when you told me that I know my way around.”

“Ah, yes, and you said you weren’t actually a lesbian.”

“Well, I’m not,” Bradley says with a slight smile. She’s not just a gay bisexual type either. Twitter’s still on her ass to define herself, but she’s told Laura, and that’s enough for her.

“You’re something,” Laura echoes, “but no, that doesn’t count as the first time I had you to myself. It was the middle of the day, and you left right after to go back to work. We were still… having fun back then.”

Bradley laughs without meaning to. “That how you say ‘screwing around?’”

“Yes, because I’m a lady, and it was fun,” Laura begins, before dropping her voice. “Until you broke my vase.”

Bradley rolls her eyes. “I’ve apologized for that a hundred times.”

“And I’ve accepted a hundred times. It’s still broken, Bradley.”

Are they? Broken? 

A beat passes where neither of them speak, and neither of them ask what they need to.

Laura breaks the silence. “Are you still in Minnesota?”

“Barely. Traffic’s been light, thank God. I might make it to Hal earlier than I thought.”

“That’s good.” It is. Bradley doesn’t say it enough, but she misses her brother. His good days are really good. Honestly, his bad days might even be behind them.

Bradley clears her throat. “How much heat do you think we’ll get now that the word’s out?”

Laura moves her phone to speaker to go to Twitter. “Let’s see.” 

When she searches Bradley’s name, the first thing she sees is that same tweet from the screenshot. Under that, there are mostly tweets about their broadcast that morning. Fans speculating that their ‘vibes were off,’ and coupling that with the Minnesota tweet that’s gaining traction.

“What are they saying?” Bradley asks.

Laura goes for honesty. “They can’t tell if you’ve left me or just gone to the funeral.”

Bradley inhales sharply on her side. Laura holds her breath for a response.

“I’d be an idiot to leave you, Laura.”

Bradley’s not always the smartest. Laura can’t say that without sounding both insecure and like she’s instigating another argument. If Bradley says she’s coming back, then she’s coming back. Laura has to believe that.

“Do you want to tell them that or should I?” Laura asks.

Bradley comes to a red light on the long road masquerading as a freeway. It’s fine since it gives her a chance to reach for her phone on its car stand. “One second.” It only takes a moment to go to her Favorites folder and hit send.

Laura’s phone lights up as their picture from yesterday pops into their text chain. The two of them by the fence. They look so happy and in love. No one would ever know what happened next. Looking at it, Laura almost forgets herself.

“I’m framing this,” Laura says.

“You better. I want to see it hanging in the foyer when I get back.”

Laura shakes her head. “Family photos in the foyer are so overdone.”

“Just this once? For me?”

Bradley has to stop asking her for things she has no interest in giving up. This one, however, is easier to give than Laura’s blessing. 

“One photo. That’s it. Any more, and Architecture Digest will revoke my cover.”

“They need to do an updated version anyway. Wait ’til they get a load of all the postcards in the studio.”

Laura rolls her eyes. Bradley left a repurposed shoebox of postcards on a table in the studio. It’s an eyesore. The only reason Laura hasn’t moved it is because Bradley’s only brought one thing into that space.

“You mean your postcards?” Laura clarifies.

Bradley hums in a way that sounds triumphant. “That’s not even all of them. I’ve been collecting postcards since I first started driving. Everywhere I went. Used to be little cities, but then it became the bigger stuff. First out of town assignment, first major story, first time on UBA.”

Laura switches her phone back off speaker. “You never told me that. When you pulled out that stack of postcards, all you said was, ‘Don’t let me lose these.’ And you put them in a box.”

“I mean, you’ve got all kinds of amazing decorations and cool art from all around the world. They’re just, I don’t know, something silly I do. I wasn’t gonna do much with ‘em anyway. They normally do just stay in the box.”

“When you get back, let’s find a place for them,” Laura suggests. “Somewhere you can see them and really see how far you’ve come.”

“Laura,” Bradley sounds choked up. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. Just not in the foyer, alright?”

Bradley laughs. “Deal. They’d clash with our fence picture anyway.”

.

.

The next day, Bradley calls, and Laura misses it. Her phone’s tucked too far down while she takes Sue out on a ride.

Laura calls back once she sees, but Bradley doesn’t pick up.

“Missed your call. I’d say Sue says hello, but she hasn’t taken to you the way that Scout has. Let me know you got in safe.”

.

.

Bradley - 4:15 AM: I’m here. Hal wasn’t joking about how many casseroles are in the fridge. And sourdough starters. Why is everyone making bread???   Laura - 5:00 AM: Bring one home.   Bradley - 5:16 AM: Funny. This place used to be my home. Bradley - 5:17 AM: I’m happy it isn’t anymore. Bradley - 5:17 AM: I miss you

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.

Bradley - 10:19 AM: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/55536512  Bradley - 10:19 AM: since everybody knows I’m here, I have to talk. There’s the link in case you want to see it before Twitter does   Laura - 10:21 AM: Ooh is Two Fucks Jackson making her comeback? Bradley - 10:22 AM: Say fuck again. Laura - 10:22 AM: Fuck. Bradley - 10:22 AM: God, I miss you. Laura - 10:23 AM: You said that already. Bradley - 10:23 AM: I miss all of you.

Bradley watches as the message goes from delivered to read. As Laura starts typing, stops, waits, then types again.

Laura - 10:24 AM: Bradley… don’t start something you can’t finish.

How does Laura do that? How can she read Bradley’s mind from two thousand miles away?

Bradley misses that. Text messages and two phone calls aren't enough. Not when she’s spent every day with Laura for months. Laura’s so touchy feely. It’s not like Bradley isn’t, but she’s gotten used to that touch now. To that steady reassurance that Laura is there whenever and however she needs her.

Maybe it’s being back here that does it. Makes her feel smaller and lonelier and needier. Makes every text feel like Laura’s whispering in her ear.

Laura - 10:24 AM: Tell me more.

Laura’s right. Bradley shouldn’t do this.

Bradley - 10:25 AM: I’m going into a church in 15 min Laura - 10:25 AM: It doesn’t take that long to use your words. Laura - 10:26 AM: What do you miss, Bradley?

Bradley crosses her legs and flips her phone back over. She can’t do this. She’s in the car with her brother, on the way to her mother’s funeral. She’s not sexting her girlfriend right now. She reaches over to roll down the window so the breeze can cool her flushed cheeks.

What do you miss, Bradley?

Everything. Her laugh. Her lips. Her hands. God, her hands.

Does the window go down any further? Do they have any ice in the car?

Hal calls from the front seat. “You okay, Brad?” 

Cheryl turns over her shoulder to look back at Bradley, and Bradley uncrosses her legs and tries to act natural.

“Just… letting off steam before we go in there.”

Four days. 

A funeral and then four days to go.

.

.

Laura eyes her last text to Bradley once again. She knew she was pushing it, but she also knew Bradley clearly needed a distraction. The younger reporter still had trouble asking for what she needed at times.

Laura, on the other hand, knows exactly what she needs. That’s why she has a strong bourbon in her hand and Gordon on FaceTime when she opens Sandy Jackson’s Zoom funeral. Her long-time friend and producer raises his own glass to his web camera in a morbid toast.

“I can’t believe we’re doing Zoom funerals now,” he says. “What’d they make the flyer on? Canva?”

“I have no idea what that is,” Laura says with a sip of her drink.

He rolls his eyes. “Only the lowly worker bees have to know what Canva is.” 

He’s hardly lowly, and Laura’s quirked brow says it loud enough for him to wave her off. She imagined that would be the end of it, but Gordon studies her. What does he see when he looks at her? 

She made sure to wash her hair today. No makeup, aside from a slight lip so that she doesn’t look as sun-starved as she could. Her black suit jacket should feel silly along with her black joggers, but she is allowing herself one small mercy since no one can see the bottom half of her anyway. Her camera’s not even on. Not unless Bradley needs her. To the rest of the world, she’ll be a black square with her name on the bottom. To Gordon, though, she at least looks the part of girlfriend dragged along to an uncomfortable family event.

He clicks his tongue. “You seem to be doing well.”

She can’t quite tell if he means it, but she has no use in lying. “The house is too quiet. I’ve mostly been sitting outside, or playing music.” She turns her glass in her hand. “Bradley’s not even that loud, but she makes noise, you know. She’s… alive.”

“And what are you?”

She levels a tired look at him. “My therapist thinks I’d gotten used to the silence as a child. Then I made too much noise as a teen to get attention.” Which did not work, by the way. “And while I’d found a balance as an adult, pre-Bradley... it’s a different thing to find a balance with another person.”

Gordon stares blankly into the call. “Right. So you miss her.”

Laura flops her head back on the couch. “Desperately.” It’s pathetic. She lifts her head to glare at the phone. “I’m too old to feel this… swept up.”

“You don’t believe that.”

She doesn’t. Love doesn’t have an age limit. But love is… elusive. Laura’s parents were in love once, and they were out of it for a hell of a lot longer. When the passion is gone, when the laughs fade and the spark snuffs out, what will they have left? Will it be this incessant ache in her gut, hollowing her through to her spine? Is that how she’ll feel? How she’ll want?

When they end — because all things do — will it fade, or will it be like the last few days?

“You haven’t seen how she’s been acting, Gordon. She’s so angry.”

“And you grew up with silence over anger.”

“Discontent was the reigning emotion. I don’t — I don’t know how to talk to her when she gets like that. There is no talking to her when she gets like that. We fought the night she left, you know.”

He tips his drink back. “And?”

She frowns. “And what?”

He drinks and smacks his lips together. “People fight. But you forced me to be your date to her mom’s online funeral, so clearly you’re still together.”

“Of course.” Though there were doubts before. She shakes her head. Glances at the muted laptop and people's backs as they wander through the funeral hall. “She’d wanted me to go with her. She said she wanted to hold her girlfriend’s hand in front of her mother.”

Gordon’s face is torn between a smile and grimace. “She could hold it all the way to the emergency room.”

Laura chuckles. “That’s what I said. But Gordon—“

“Don’t ‘But Gordon’ me. I have watched you twist yourself into knots to be there for Bradley, and I refuse to watch you do it again.” He leans in close to his camera. Takes up the whole frame to give her his full attention and his toughest love. “She may be a grown woman, but she acts like a child.”

“She does not.”

He scoffs. “She broke your vase on week one.”

“That wasn’t childish; it was….” She scrambles for a word. Impulsive, brash, reckless, misplaced.

“Unhinged,” he finishes for her. “And before you start, yes, she had a bad childhood. Yes, she was regressing. Yes, you like her anyway. But she has a lot of work to do on herself that you cannot walk her through. You can’t will her into growing up.”

Can’t she? They’ve gotten this far. Bradley even apologized after their last fight. She is doing the work. Laura shouldn’t have to cut her off just because Bradley needs more time to catch up.

Laura takes another sip of her drink. “I never should have told you about the vase. I regret that.”

Gordon barks out a laugh. “I regret I can’t tell anyone else. The great Laura Peterson bought for a three-hundred dollar gift card.”

“It wasn’t the gift card. She needed me.”

“And you wanted to be needed.”

She did. But what happens now?

Her heart thuds in her chest. Her voice lowers as she asks, “What happens when she doesn’t need me anymore?”

Her friend softens. He leans his head close to his shoulder.

“Well then, she just wants you.”

Bradley wants Evening News. She wants to be the face of politics at UBA. She wants Montana snow without the bone chills and to see her old hair color again without the board freaking out about it. She wants the stable home life she’d never had growing up. She doesn’t want Laura. Does she?

She says she loves Laura. Or almost says. Love and want aren’t necessarily synonymous. They’re congruous if anything.

Bradley needs someone to help her grow. She needs a place away from the pandemic and a sounding board and someone to hold onto who won’t lash out if she holds too tight.

Laura can provide those things. They haven’t known each other long, and this is all still new. It’s been a long time since Laura’s been in something even semi-stable and long-term. She hadn’t even meant for this. Feels like one moment she joked about getting Canadians out of a pool and the next she was hosting The Morning Show again with Bradley by her side.

The thought of being more than a stop post, or a loading dock… of being more than someone warm and willing… of being truly, deeply wanted for every part of who she is? It widens her eyes. It stills her breath. It makes her look at the damn Zoom funeral that she’s tuned into at eight in the morning on a Saturday.

Laura groans.

Gordon quirks a brow. “What now?” And it’s a concerned question, really, it is.

Laura’s almost afraid to say it. To whisper it into the air of the ranch that’s started to feel less like hers and more like theirs. Bradley had almost said it, and Laura had felt the rush, but she hadn’t felt like saying it back. She hadn’t known then. But now?

“I think I love her.”

Gordon laughs, and she glares at him, which only makes him laugh harder.

She curses. “Fuck!”

He keeps laughing. “Oh, honey, what did you think you were doing?”

Her hands reach for her face. She has to set her cup down to explain herself.

“I thought it was fun! It was nice. I didn’t move her in because I wanted to move her in. We were in a pandemic!” 

But even as she says it, her heart betrays her. Her voice ticks up an octave too high. Because truthfully, she had already cleared space in her brownstone before Montana had even been on the table. She had wanted Bradley by her side. She would’ve slow played it, of course, but she was already headed down this path. She was already falling for Bradley fucking Jackson.

She presses her fists to her eyes. “If that blonde woman wrecks me….” It’s meant to be a curse. A threat to the universe, but it mostly sounds like a warning. A ticking timer that speeds her pulse and quickens her breathing.

Gordon’s incredulous. “Why did you think I kept calling her your wife?”

“I thought you were being an asshole. I thought you wanted to scare her away, so I wouldn’t upend the very fabric of our lives over a woman with unprocessed abandonment issues.”

“Oh, honey,” he would’ve held her hand if they were in person. Would’ve patted it twice and then clinked his glass to hers. “You have unprocessed abandonment issues.”

Laura gasped. “You take that back. I have spent far too much in therapy—“

“And now you’re in a new relationship, so it has to be done all over again. You know this.”

“I hate this.”

His nose scrunches happily. “I love it. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I knew we were done for the moment you brought us on TMS. The interview in Vegas, I could handle. You can wine and dine whoever you want on the company’s tab. But waking up before sunrise? That’s not a fling.”

The last time Laura was in love….

She fights back the immediate churn in her stomach. Chases down the bile in her throat with the rest of her drink before rising to make herself another at her bar.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Ooh, refill quick! She’s on.”

.

.

Bradley hasn’t felt this nervous since her first broadcast with Alex. Her jaw trembles, but thank God, nobody can see it under her mask. A bunch of the attendees have asked if she plans on keeping it on. She pinches at the bridge of the nose as she clears her throat at the podium.

“Wow.” Her voice sounds rough, and she can’t fully blame it on the bad church mic or the dehydration. Her mom’s in a casket behind her. For all she said about needing to see for herself, she hasn’t been able to actually look in yet.

Hal did. He stumbled as he did it. Cheryl helped hold him up, but his eyes raced until he caught Bradley’s where she stood in a corner. Her baby brother needed her. She couldn't move. She didn't move again until Father Evans called her name to speak.

She’d put a teleprompter app on her phone with a speech she’d written when she couldn’t sleep last night. That way, this could feel like another day at work. Another segment for a live audience this time.

Live except one, of course.

Bradley clears her throat to try and focus. Stay present. Forget Hal and her mom. Forget how many hands she’s shaken since arriving. Her skin’s all cracked from hand sanitizer, and her lotion’s in Hal’s car since he hadn’t put on any that morning.

This is Bradley’s first trip without a producer since she started on The Morning Show. She’s alone. With every eye in the room on her, waiting for her to break.

She coughs, then winces.

“Sorry, not trying to scare anybody, just not used to talking to this many people without a camera in my face. I, uh, I’m Bradley Jackson, Sandy’s daughter. I wasn’t going to do a speech at first, but somebody’s gotta say something, right?”

A few heads nod. Bradley seeks out Hal, who’s in the front row with Cheryl. He won’t look at her. She doesn’t remember exactly when Hal had started crying, but it feels like it’s been hours. 

Bradley’s chest burns. She reaches to soothe it. Her fingers brush against the cool leather of her favorite jacket. Maybe Laura would laugh at it. Or whisper that she told Bradley to bring it. Or maybe she wasn’t watching at all.

Anyway, Bradley doesn't start her prompter. Surprise, surprise, she's off script already.

“I always thought my mom was too stubborn to die. But that’s the strength of this virus — it can take down anyone.” Somebody groans, and Bradley rolls her eyes. “She died of Covid complications. I’m gonna talk about Covid. It’s my mom’s funeral, not yours, so just deal with it.”

Hal snorts from the front row. He glances up at least. Bradley must be on the right track.

She says, “A lot of y’all are here for the same reason I am — to make sure she doesn’t claw her way up.” Some laughs mix in with the gasps. “Those were her words, not mine. Sandy Jackson was a lot of things, but meek wasn’t one of ‘em. People used to hear her down the block, calling out for us. And you know Hal and I would run home as quick as we could when we heard her. She wasn’t perfect, but… she did try.”

She failed even more though.

Something like spite bursts in Bradley’s chest. Burns cold in her veins. Nobody in this room gives a flying fuck about her mom. They barely knew her. Sandy put up such a show for everyone around her. She changed her looks, her voice, everything, to distance herself from other people. Then she would take Hal out of rehab because she got lonely. She endangered his safety and everyone else’s time and time again. Bradley would never have done that.

Except Bradley is doing that, isn’t she? Hal freaked out once, and Bradley threw her whole life into the wind. Instead of ruining his progress, she’s ruining her own, just so that Hal doesn’t feel alone. Mom came calling, and even in her forties, Bradley couldn’t resist going to clean up the vomit and see what’s left of her.

“Fuck,” Bradley whispers. The mic picks it up of course. She winces. “Sorry. Laura, that doesn’t count. That wasn’t even in the mic. Laura’s —“ Bradley stops herself from explaining. They know who Laura is. Her mom knew too. Even if Sandy refused to say Laura’s name once she knew they were dating.

“Bradley,” Hal calls in a stage whisper from the front row. He’s finally stopped crying. In fact, he looks like he’s trying not to laugh. “You’re dying up there.”

“Following in Mom’s footsteps,” Bradley says immediately. A few people laugh at that.

Hal calls out louder, “Don’t you dare!”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she promises him. “But if Mom taught me one thing, it’s who not to be. She was so disconnected from everything, including herself. We deserve better than that. We deserved better than her. Our whole world has a choice right now. We can stay the same as we’ve always been. Reopen to more school shootings and endless burnouts. Or we can do something different. We have brighter sunsets now that everybody’s not driving all the time. Some people have free time for the first time in decades. Families are getting to really know each other. You know it sucks that my mom won’t get to see what’s on the other side of this, but each and every one of us in here has that chance. Don’t waste it by falling into old patterns.”

The church is quiet as she finishes. Stunned probably.

Until one clap rings out from the back of the room. The opposite corner from where Bradley had hid out pre-speeches. Her eyes jump to it, as do most others. Her jaw clenches instinctively.

Hal groans from his seat. “Ah, shit.”

Whispers rip through the church. A chorus of people all wondering who, or what, would make Bradley and Hal uncomfortable that quickly. Even Cheryl asks for clarification.

“Is that…?”

Hal nods. “Our dad, yeah.”

Hearing it aloud unhinges Bradley’s jaw, so two more words can slip out. “Fuck me.”

.

.

Author's Note:

Bradley's having a very rough day, but part two of her West Virginia trip MUST be better, right? what do you think? any guesses on what happens next, or how long until Bradley rushes out of there?

#tms #bradleylaura #bradley jackson #laura peterson #bradley x laura #the morning show #mine #fic: all the pieces #tms: s3

[zebrashavestrips]

oooooh all the q's

Hello anon! I’m guessing you mean the wlw + mlm asks so here it is!

1. describe your crush / partner.

I’m not really crushing anyone right now tbh, just hanging out with friends and trying new things.

2. describe your perfect date.

The simple answer, going to a brewery and playing board games. I love any competitive activity tbh but with the right vibes, we could also go walk around the streets and have deep talks. maybe lay down at the beach or a park and look at the sky.

3. describe your dream house.

I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SOOOO MUCH but thats also because its a near life goal right now. Anyways room#1 a game/ hangout room to watch tv, read, play board or console games, and work lol cant forget about working. Then room#2 would be a guest room with a murphy bed to save space. Room#3 would be my bedroom with a closet with enough space to separate my clothes and gear. The livign room would have what i like to call a scream box, basically these like conference call soundproof phonebooths but could also be used to scream the stress. Bc i have a whole bunch of stuffed animals from family and friends, i want to build a claw machine to store them and thats like another gaming device in my house. The kitchen i actually havent thought that much about but i think i want a lot of counterspace and idk how else it would look like rn. The garage would store all my gear and the camper van i would use for adventures. I would also like a grass patch in the front but theres no more space in the bay area so the park will do. OHHH and a straight roof or patio to watch the skies.

4. describe your dream life.

i see my life with two lifestyles: one like a day job, where most of the week I'd work during the day and hang out with friends afterwards or chill at home and wind down; another full of adventure - hikes, climbing, camping, some day trips to hang out somewhere. some combination of that with friends and we kinda just keep doing that.

5. describe your ideal partner.

Someone to do most of my hobbies with, to challenge and grow together. Kinda someone that I can continuously learn from in any aspect. I really enjoy having people around me just doing our own things together so things like that.

6. morning cuddles or night cuddles?

Night cuddles

7. big spoon or little spoon?

Little spoon

8. hugs or kisses?

Hugs

9. walks on the beach or walks in the forest?

Walks in the forest

10. sitting on your partner’s lap or them on yours?

Them sitting on my lap

11. favourite lgbt movie?

Imagine me & you… soooo cute

12. favourite lgbt book?

I actually don’t really read that many books but I love a good enemies to lovers, fake dating, soulmates angst. I’m in the middle of We Are Okay by Nina Lacour. But I did read a lot of fanfic and there was this soulmate AU with a name tattooed on each wrist and you don’t know which one is a platonic soulmate and which one is a romantic soulmate.

13. favourite lgbt character?

Fictional, Laura Hollis. Real, Hayley Kiyoko

14. favourite lgbt ship?

The og hollstein! Ughhh I miss them so much

15. favourite lgbt song?

Oooo this is hard, I actually have a few… can I give top 3? Whatever, it’s my blog. Top 3 are sleepover by hayley kiyoko, kiss the boy by keiynan lonsdale, and sick of losing soulmates by dodie

16. what’s your favourite thing about your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

17. what’s the best thing to do with your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

18. how did you meet your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

19. what first attracted you to your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

20. what’s something that reminds you of your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

21. what’s your lgbt identity?

les be honest

22. when did you realise you’re lgbt?

After I broke up with my boyfriend in high school I started questioning my sexuality and the thoughts followed through in college. Tbh that phase in college really helped me realize I wasn’t into men like how I thought I was in high school.

23. do you fit any stereotypes for your sexuality?

obsessed with hayley kiyoko, carabiners oh so many carabiners, can’t sit in chairs properly, tucked shirt cuffed jeans, always short nails, super athletic, climbing, loves building things like I just helped my best friend move in so we had hella furniture to put together

24. have you ever been to pride?

I think I went twice? I remember who I went with the first time going but I don’t remember the second. All I recall was being able to buy a drink.

25. how did you / do you plan to come out?

Family wise, I came out to my sister first waaay back when, she kinda found out looking at pictures on my phone and asked me about it. My little brother is my best friend so I told him a bit after I started dating. I came out to my parents 2 years ago bc I was dating someone during the pandemic and I wanted to do a small trip to/with her. Their reactions were a lot better than I expected actually - a lecture about queer relationship and safe sex, and a Confucius quote… so not bad? My older brother knows that I know that he knows I’m gay but I never explicitly told him lol that’s just our dynamic.

26. do you remember the name of your first crush?

I do but I shall not say

27. how did you first kiss go?

My very first kiss was super sweet and awkward. This guy I dated in high school walked me home and as we were saying bye, we hugged and stood for what felt like 5 minutes before we did like a small kiss. And then he walked me closer to my door and left to catch the bus

28. what did you do on your first date?

My very first date was super basic, we went to watch a movie and have dinner, got dessert and talked at bart waiting to go home

29. who was the first person you came out to?

I think, like it’s been a long time, I think the first person or even people I came out to was my group of friends from high school on a camping trip after graduation

30. pick a question of your choice + answer it.

I’ve answered all these questions but these were fun. Thanks anon! Hope you have a good one!!

#sorry this took so long! these were kinda hard to think about. #answered #thanks for the ask anon!

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Here to Misbehave (Pt. 13 | S.R.)

Series Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Finale |

Summary: Spencer finally meets Reader’s roommate while the two prepare for a picnic. After Spencer lectures Reader on the dangers of the outdoors, the two face a different kind of danger at the bank.

Couple: Spencer/Fem!Reader 
 Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Gun violence mention Word Count: 6.3k

MASTERLIST

—————————————————

Although I’d been inside (Y/n)’s apartment several times now, I couldn’t say I’d ever actually looked much at my surroundings. It felt strange to admit that, mostly because I felt like I was doing something wrong; like I was a traitor to my job.

But then again, it felt worse to try to profile her. The few times I had made it obvious, she had made it very clear it was unappreciated. I could understand why.

So, before we even got to her door, I tried to quiet the voices screaming in my head, telling me to look for clues to all the unknowns about her. It wasn’t because I was expecting her to be hiding anything; I just wanted to know everything about her.

I could simply wait for her to tell me, though. We had all the time in the world, right?

“Laura, I’m home!” She called out immediately after breaching the entrance, following the exclamation with a very hurried request. “Spencer is here so please don’t be weird!”

The response was a calm, steady series of footfalls down the hall. The girl stuck her head around the corner, peeking at the two of us with a devilish grin.

“Pleasure to finally meet you, Dr. Reid.”

I told myself I probably shouldn’t be this nervous. If she was friends with (y/n), she was most likely a decent person. But let’s just say women around that age had never been particularly kind to me. They brought to the surface a lot of memories I’d tried very hard to bury.

She didn’t put her hand out to shake, which told me they’d already probably talked about me more than I’d have liked. ‘Wait,’ I thought to myself, ‘Is it okay to profile her roommate?’

“I’m going to go get a basket together. Wait in the living room, my kitchen is a disaster.”

Before I could argue, she had already disappeared, leaving me stranded in the hallway with her roommate who looked ready to cause trouble. I just hoped it wouldn’t the kind that revolved around me.

She waved a hand in front of her, motioning for me to make my way into the living room. Once we were there, she immediately took a seat, but I remained standing. Felt better to be able to escape.

The silence was awkward and suffocating. I could feel her staring at me, but she wasn’t saying anything. It felt wrong to look back.

“She says you read people for a living.” Her voice had a hint of skepticism in it I’d grown used to. “Sounds kind of like what psychics say.”

“Yeah, we use a lot of the same strategies, too. They just aren’t as honest about it as we are.”

“What do you see here?”

That was what got me to turn around and face her. She looked so comfortable, curled up on the couch.

“Pardon me?” The question caught me off guard, even though it shouldn’t have. I’d heard it so many times.

“What does our apartment say about us?” She asked, clearly not understanding why it was an inappropriate thing to ask. Or more likely, just didn’t care. Curiosity is a powerful thing.

I cleared my throat before looking back away and saying, “I agreed not to profile (y/n).”

“Well, can you at least tell which stuff is hers?”

I’m sure she was just checking to see if I was legitimate or just scamming her. Maybe she was checking to see if I was too good at it.

She didn’t need to worry. (Y/n) could handle herself. She wasn’t tricked easily. In fact, most of my intrigue and concern surrounding her unknowns was just how good she was at hiding things.

It wasn’t until I had registered that question and was staring at her walls with a newfound sense of purpose, that I realized how little I knew about her past. Then again, I don’t really care about her past.

It had made her who she was today, and that was the woman I loved.

My fingers brushed over old, cracked plastic on DVD cases displayed on a shelf beside the console center.

I didn’t even notice I was smiling at first, realizing that she’d kept the physical cases despite all the streaming services. She clearly still used the discs, too.

“These... are hers.”

“How can you tell?” The response in the form of a question told me I was right, and only made me feel even more deeply. Despite my greatest efforts to not look so excited by something so silly, I turned back around with my lips still curled in an awkward smile.

“Educated guess. Adrenaline.”

“What?” The confusion in her voice reminded me that she wasn’t aware of one of my deepest personality flaws.

“Research shows that only about 10% of the population are so called ‘adrenaline junkies,’ people who enjoy roller coasters and horror movies. It’s more often men than women, but it’s hard to tell because of the way we’re socialized.”

If I had turned around to face her, I probably would have seen the dead stare she was giving me during my rant.

“Regardless, people tend to either love horror or hate it. So, I considered the fact that (y/n) seems to enjoy things like... sneaking into bars with fake IDs and… other risky behavior.”

Well, that was close.

“But what really gave it away was the fact they’re not dusty, which means they’re still being used despite all of these movies being available on streaming services I know for a fact she uses. Considering how patient she is with my own Luddite tendencies I just figur—“

“Wow.”

The word cut off my train of thought, and I realized that I had barely breathed since I’d started. Wincing in response to the dumbfounded look on the poor girl’s face, I gave a nervous chuckle.

“Sorry. I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

“A little bit,” she said with her own little pity laugh. I’m sure (y/n) had told her enough about me that this wasn’t that big of a surprise.

“I do that when I’m nervous.”

“You shouldn’t be nervous,” she said like it was the easiest advice in the world, “You’re right about her, you know.”

Staring down at my feet, I wondered why the confirmation from her roommate meant so much to me. I hadn’t been actively trying to figure out things about my girlfriend — it felt wrong. But for whatever reason, knowing I had the ability to figure it out meant more when it was about her.

Laura laughed again, craning her neck to look around the corner before she quietly spoke. “She says it was the other way around, but she’s the one who convinced me to streak the lawn.”

Ah, the age-old tradition of UVA students. It was so easy to picture her stripping down to nothing in the dead of the night to prance down the length of manicured grass. My own personal little pixie.

If it was just an attempt to calm my nerves, it was working. Putting the focus back on (y/n) was a surefire way to bring out the best in me. She just had that effect on me.

“I am entirely unsurprised by this information,” I said before walking over to the other side of the room, noting the distinct lack of pictures of family among the shelves that clearly belonged to her.

Don’t read into it, I told myself, she might just keep them somewhere else.

“She also drank an entire water bottle of vodka during a full day of classes one time, just because I bet that she wouldn’t.”

I scoffed at the image of her drunk. It’d been a while since I’d seen her like that, and both times had been remarkably unique. She’s a dead giveaway; I was surprised she hadn’t been caught.

“I can’t say I relate to that,” I sadly admitted. Sometimes it was hard to realize that if I’d known her at the same age, we probably wouldn’t have gotten along. I used to hate people like that.

Granted, they had usually also hated me.  

“She did mention you were a genius or something. I kind of figured. That’s her type.”

Well, that was information I couldn’t just gloss over. I furrowed my brow with a disbelieving smile, finally looking at the girl who was avidly watching my every move.

“Is it? I always pictured her with someone with more… Kinaesthetic intelligence.”

She gave me that look people give me when I said something weird, but continued nonetheless, “I don’t really know what that means, but she takes school pretty seriously. Honestly, probably a little too much. Part of why I dared her.”

“It’s strange to imagine her in class.” I hadn’t meant to say it, but once it was out there, I couldn’t take it back. And I was glad I couldn’t, because I was very curious about the answer.

“She’s the girl who knows all the answers and shuts down all the stupid guys trying to talk over her.”

I knew that those behaviors weren’t exactly favored in classrooms, having myself been the one at the brunt end of the bullying that followed.

“It’s pretty impressive.” She was being genuine when she spoke, and I was inclined to agree. At the same time the thought crossed my mind, I found a picture of her perched on the lap of the Thomas Jefferson statute.

God, I loved that girl.

“I bet she is.”

Almost on call, (y/n) poked her head into the room with wary eyes, looking at me as I awkwardly waved before looking back to her roommate.

“Laura, are you being weird?”

The girl rolled her eyes, but didn’t respond. Instead, she turned to me like it was my question to answer. Afraid to spoil any tenuous, newly formed loyalties, I shook my head no.

“Okay…” She only barely accepted my answer, “But if you say some dumb shit and get arrested, I’m not bailing you out.”

Briefly sticking out her tongue as she walked past me, she continued on her way. I couldn’t help but give that lovestruck, idiotic grin I always gave when she was around. If you’d told me I would’ve ever felt like this about someone who felt the same about me, I wouldn’t have believed you. Part of me still didn’t believe she could ever love me the same as I loved her.

Turning back to the girl cringing at the blatant intimacy shared in a simple glance, I immediately became awkward again.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t bring my handcuffs.” I joked, showing my hands in a strange display of innocence.

She… took a different approach.

“I know for a fact she has a few pairs in her room if you need one.”

A high-pitched whine nearly escaped my throat at the casual mention, and I cleared my throat and turned to look at her with a very unconvincing laugh. “W-what?”

“You have to know it’s impossible for her to keep her sex life a secret,” she droned with a bored expression, “I live one room over.”

“Right,” I nodded.

There was an extended, never ending silence as she just let me stew in my own discomfort. It didn’t seem to bother her one bit, because the longer I avoided her eyes the more she seemed to smile.

“I’m uncomfortable.” I finally admitted, and she just shook her head, running her hand through her hair before giving me one final hard look.

“You’re sweet. You make her happy. I appreciate that.”

My mouth scrunched in a humble half-smile, my hands finding their way back into my pockets as I tried to consider the reality I’d found myself in. Of all the infinite possibilities, I got to exist in the version of the world where I loved a girl who loved me back.

“It’s all her,” I finally said with a voice that crackled far too much for my liking, “I don’t do anything. I’m just the lucky one she decides to keep around.”

Laura flashed an approving grin, but then got up when she heard the familiar, happy feet beating down the hallway. (Y/n) burst out from around the corner, her arms full with a picnic basket and a blanket she clearly owned for just these occasions.

“Ready to go, babe?”

“Lead the way.”

I’d have followed her anywhere.

—————————————————

It was the perfect time of year for a picnic, despite Spencer’s insistence that there was no such thing. Once we were in the park, his whining dramatically decreased. Maybe it was the sunshine, or maybe it was the smile on my face, but he was certainly in brighter spirits.

He even let me rest my head on his lap, his legs crossed underneath me while he alternated between staring off at the trees slowly losing their color to autumn and my quiet contentment as I nibbled on an assortment of fruits.

There was no awkward silence or hidden darkness in this day, and even the sweetest strawberry couldn’t be more refreshing. To be here with Spencer, soaking in the late Summer sun, was all I could ever ask for.

But I was also eager to take advantage of the uncharacteristic softness between us. It wasn’t often we could share moments like this. Between his job and all our problems over the past few months, I wasn’t sure when we could be like this again.

“Let’s talk about something fun.” I blurted out, earning an intrigued look from my boyfriend. He readjusted his position, leaning back on his hands so he could look down at me easier.

“Okay, like what?”

“Don’t make fun of me…” The way he was looking at me gave me no hope he would actually listen to me, but I continued anyway, “I have conversation starters I looked up.”

He snorted while trying to suppress his chuckle. “Of course you do.”

Dropping my mouth open, I reached up to lightly smack him on the face for immediately doing exactly what I had asked him not to.

“What? Like you’re the epitome of sociable, Dr. Reid?”

He ran a hand through his hair, trying to stop the laughter that kept bubbling in his chest over something that was decidedly not that funny at all. We were just that stupid kind of happy where everything was wonderful.

“I’m just not surprised!” He reminded, then nodded for me to continue, “Go on, tell me one.”

“Tell me something you’re scared of.” I shot back, excited to hear the answer.

“The dark.” It was the most anticlimactic, stereotypical answer I could have imagined. It was my turn to scoff now, hardly believing the answer to be real.

“Seriously? You’re an FBI Agent, Spencer.”

“You told me not to make fun of you, but then you make fun of me? Unfair. I didn’t sign up for this scrutiny.” His legs started to move under me as he pretended like he was about to dump me from his lap and leave me here.

“Fine!” I shouted, reaching my hands up to grab his face. Although they fumbled awkwardly from my strange position, he took the time to lean to the side and kiss my palm lightly. “Favorite memory of the two of us.”

He blew out a long breath, his eyes squinted like they always did when he was in deep contemplation. But something told me something actually jumped straight to his mind, but he was holding it back for some other reason.

“That’s not fair. There are too many.”

I wasn’t falling for it. I flicked his nose before pulling my hand back, smiling at the way he jerked away like it actually hurt him. Giant baby.

“No cop out answers, old man. Favorite one!”

Spencer just sighed, letting his head fall back as he actually thought about what he was about to say for once in his life. I took the brief moment without his scrutiny to reflect on just how lucky I was to be able to see him like this.

“Okay. So, remember when we went to the bakery in Downtown?” He asked like I could have forgotten.

“Pauls? Yes, I remember.”

They’re legends in the area, but a total pain to try and get. You have to get there first thing in the morning and wait in a ridiculous line. But they were always worth it. Spencer had told me he’d never been, and I just couldn’t let such an injustice stand.

“While we were waiting in that ridiculous line, I remember looking at you and just seeing how excited you were for a donut, even at 7 in the morning.”

“That’s objectively the best time for a donut.” I interrupted with the most matter-of-fact tone I could emulate.

“Right,” he laughed, recalling how I kept reminding him of that fact while in line, “Well, we got to the front and before I could even talk, you had already ordered one for me.”

It took me a second to remember exactly what had happened. So much had happened since then, the memories were becoming muddled in my mind. But once I did remember, I smiled.

“Chocolate frosted with sprinkles. For the child in us all.”

“That’s it.” His voice had gotten soft so quickly, his hand brushing over my cheek while he played with the strands of hair blowing back over my face. “That’s my favorite memory.”

If I didn’t make a joke of it soon, I was scared my heart would burst.

“Really? That’s your favorite memory? Of all things?” I asked with a playful grin, clasping both of my hands around his and holding it against my chest.

“Yes.” For a man of so many words, it meant so much more when he spoke so little. You could feel the truth in the way the sound hit your ears.

Even as I bit on the inside of my cheeks to withhold my excited giggle, he was looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“Spencer, that’s so lame.”

In that way he always did, he so charmingly replied, “How fitting for us.”

“Rude,” I muttered, finally finding the strength to sit up from my position on his lap. The world only spun for a second as I reoriented myself. He seemed equally grateful, stretching his legs out in front of him.

“What else do you want to make fun of me for?” Spencer said with a smile, watching as I reached into the small basket and pulled out a small clementine. I ran through the questions in my head, trying to decide which one to spend our limited time on.

“Okay,” I decided, “What did you think the first time you saw me?”

His face scrunched up with the leftover embarrassment from our very first meeting, during which the first thing he had ever done to me was lie. It had been a flattering one, though.

As I popped a section of the small citrus fruit into my mouth, I noticed the way he licked his own lips. The sight caused butterflies to flurry in my stomach, and I wondered which was more appealing to him; the mouthwatering scent of oranges or the idea of slipping something else between my lips.

“I thought... that you were beautiful and intriguing. And I was right.”

I got my answer to my preceding thought, because he had quickly wrapped his hand around the back of my head, pulling me into a kiss with crushing force. For someone who wasn’t the biggest fan of public displays of affection, he certainly didn’t mind kissing me like this.

Despite how deep and hard it was, it ended far too quickly. I sucked on my bottom lip as he left, staring up at him with wonder and devoted attention.

“Why was I intriguing?”

He clearly hadn’t thought that far ahead, probably hoping that the kiss alone would distract me from asking any more questions about that night. Unable to get out of it now, though, he just shrugged with a nervous chuckle, “You... were looking at me?”

My laugh, on the other hand, was full bodied as I pushed him away from me with just enough force that he actually almost toppled over.

“That was it? Because I looked at you?”

It seemed so silly, but I could tell by the way he responded that he meant it. He had told me before, on that night actually, that he wasn’t used to women showing him attention. But surely, he must just be missing it. He was an amazing man.

“I don’t know. There’s just something about you.” He paused between his words, taking a deep breath before attempting to work through his thoughts, “Like... like things just revolve around you. You have this intense gravitational pull that just told me that I had to get closer to you or I wouldn’t be able to survive.”

Fighting back the blush quickly forming on my cheeks, I struggled to maintain my typical aloof nature. I couldn’t have him getting a swelled head just because he could string together a couple cute sentences.

“Are you calling me a star, Dr. Reid?”

“I guess I am, yeah.” He hit me back with that confidence he rarely displayed outside of our play. I loved to see it like this. It made me feel like I was actually with him, rather than any manicured person he’d created to suit the needs of the current situation.

“If you felt that strongly about it, then why lie and say you weren’t checking me out? I could’ve left, you know.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Yeah, but I thought about it.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. There had been a couple of times during that night that I almost cut my losses—admitted that we were just too different to ever be compatible. Thank god I’d ignored that flawed instinct.

“I wouldn’t have blamed you. Have you looked at your boyfriend? I’m so weird.”

The ease with which he flouted his eccentricities brought a smile to my face, and I shook my head as I tried to fight back in his defense. “You’re not that weird.”

“Are you joking? Look at yourself. You’re—You’re normalcy personified! No, actually, you’re not even that. You’re this... beautiful, smart, talented young girl and I’m just an old man who’s hoping to keep you around long enough that you forget you have better options out there.”

The longer he spoke, the more my jaw dropped open. Eventually, I had devolved into a fit of laughter.

“Dr. Reid, you can’t seriously be telling me that you think I am out of your league!”

“I mean—!” he started, but I wasn’t going to allow him to even entertain the thought. I clapped my hand over his mouth, nearly climbing onto his lap to hush any noises he attempted to make.

“No way!” I shouted, “Shut up!”

Instead of trying to wrench my hand away, his hands came to rest on my hips. I could feel the smile spreading across his cheeks under my fingers.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Spencer. Fucking FBI Agent with three PhDs. Get out of here.”

He began bouncing his leg under me, and when I looked down to see what he was doing, I was shocked to feel a wetness on my palm. Ripping my hand away, I looked at my hand to see the swipe of saliva over the skin.

“Did you just fucking lick me?!” I screeched, unable to comprehend what had just happened, staring at my boyfriend with a shit-eating grin on his face. “I touched the ground with this hand! What are you doing?!”

“Yeah, I’m definitely going to rinse my mouth with bleach when we get home. But it was worth it, to see that look on your face.”

He went to wipe his own face, but I still couldn’t get over the fact my hand was fucking wet. So I took my hand once more, wiping the residue of his own spit back over his cheek. Surprisingly, he just let me do it, laughing as he only slightly tilted his head back.

“Nasty old pervert,” I joked, rolling my body off him and sitting on own once more.

“You’re very mean when you’re nice to me.” Spencer pouted.

I was distracted, trying to get my hair to stay out of my face and mouth as the wind started to whip through the park. Still, I managed to say a few very important words of warning.

“Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.”

Taking pity on my obvious distress, he reached out to grab my arm, tugging me back over to him. “Come here, little girl.” he instructed while I crawled over on all fours to sit between his legs.

I was going to ask him what he was planning when I felt his hands begin threading through my hair. I sat patiently, recognizing the pattern he was weaving.

“... When did you learn how to braid hair? Did your mom teach you?”

“My mom has short hair.” It was an evasive, but truthful answer, so I didn’t press it. I was sure I would find out more about his family as time went on. I just had to keep reminding myself that we had all the time in the world to get to know each other.

“I never learned how to braid hair specifically. I’m just applying the same pattern I would with a knot or a puzzle.”

“How romantic.” I gasped, tucking my hands between my legs as I enjoyed the way it felt for him to play with my hair.

It was always bizarre, to consider the way he could be so soft in moments like this. Or rather, that he could be so far the opposite at other times. In my heart, he was always the kind, goofy man I had met that night at the bar.

But I’d seen him angry, depressed, and in pain. I’d seen him desperate and scared. Basically, the only way I hadn’t seen Spencer Reid was however he was at work. Part of me wished that I could; it was obvious he was good at it and, to a certain degree, enjoyed it.

Then again, when I know he does things like get shot at, it makes it a little bit harder to be interested in. I couldn’t imagine getting that phone call one day while they loaded him into the back of an ambulance... or worse.

“Ah, the things I do for love.” His calm, smooth voice tore me from the destructive thoughts and back into his warm embrace.

“Hey, Spencer, I have a serious question.”

“Well, that’s terrifying.” He joked, holding out his hand for my hair tie, which I happily gave him. I hated to admit that he did a better job at braiding my hair than I’d ever done. Freaking stupid genius stuff.

“When do I get to say it back?”

I swear, I felt a chill spread through the air between us. His entire body froze, his hands stuck mixed with the elastic as he tied off the braid.

It was an intense, unwelcome flashback to the second night I’d spent with him, when we had talked about things too serious, too soon.

Terrified, I immediately cut off anything he might have been able to say, muttering, “Never mind. Forget I asked.”

Letting my hair slip from his fingers, he let his hand drag along my spine. I wished I could see the look on his face, but I didn’t dare turn around.

“I’m sorry.” He said after another moment of silence, and it physically pained me the way the words fell from his lips.

“Don’t apologize,” I said in the cheeriest tone possible, trying to lighten the mood, “I just wanted to test the waters.”

With that, I spun around dramatically, noting the way his face lit up once it saw the smile on my own. “And they are frozen solid!”

He laughed at the enthusiasm I displayed, swiftly throwing his arms around me in a tight embrace.

“Well, I’ll just have to warm you up, then.” My whole body in his arms, he yanked me off the ground and onto himself. I struggled playfully under his arms, not paying any attention to the other people in the park watching our childish antics.

“Hypothermia is very dangerous, after all,” he lectured, “Let me take your temperature.” Burying his face in my neck, I felt the familiar overstimulation that accompanied frantic, light touches of my sides.

“Stop!” I burst with laughter, “You’re tickling me!”

The movements all halted, but only to be followed with a terrifyingly devious tone of Spencer’s voice. “You’re ticklish?”

“Don’t you dare—”

“Oh, I love this information.” And just like that, he began his onslaught. His fingers danced over every inch of my sides, his lips pressing quick, frenzied kisses against the underside of my chin. The harder I laughed, the more he continued.

“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” I screeched like a banshee, trying to slip from his hands or turn around—anything to get the upper hand again.

After nearly wrestling him, I managed to get both hands on his shoulders and shove him back against the blanket. The force with which we hit the ground knocked the air from his lungs, and he groaned at my body weight on his chest.

“Okay, okay! You win!” He yelled, holding his hands in front of me while struggling not to touch the ground with his head. “I’m not risking more surface area of contact with the ground to fight you.”

“(Y/n) emerges victorious!” I grabbed hold of both of his hands, shaking his arms with all my leftover adrenaline while I cheered myself on.

“Dork,” he muttered under his breath before he grabbed my sides, laughing at the way I instinctually jerked. I threw myself off of him to avoid the potential tickles, landing clumsily next to him. And Spencer, being the genius, recognized it as the perfect opportunity to pin me against the ground.

Wasting no time, he pressed the same instruments which had begun the great tickle war against my own lips. My hands found their way to his cheeks, pulling him closer as his tongue easily found mine. Just like it always did with us, it felt like the world was disappearing around us.

All I could feel, smell, taste, think, was Spencer Reid. His love and admiration flowed from him with ease, and I was happy to take it in. After a few minutes, we had to break apart. We might like a little bit of exhibitionism, but I was pretty sure neither of us actually wanted to tear the other’s clothes off in a park.

Could you imagine if people knew he was an FBI Agent? I was sure they already thought our age gap strange. But I didn’t care what they thought. Because right now, we were happy.

“I’m the dork you love, though.” I whispered against his lips.

“Indubitably,” he mumbled back, starting to laugh at the way the word sounded in our teenage love-like delirium.

“Now who’s the dork.” I teased as I smoothed my hands over his shoulders.

“Hm. Still you. And a little bit me, too.”

Laughter was bursting from me again.

“You have grass in your hair, idiot.” Before he could do anything about it, my hands were all over it, ruffling his hair wildly out of place. He just squeezed his eyes shut, letting me ruin any semblance of maturity or control from his appearance.

“Wow. Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome.” I chirped, accepting the small peck he gave me before he started to retreat from his spot above me.

“You ready to head home?”

“Yeah, just about,” he sighed like it was a terrible thing to do. He hadn’t even wanted to come on this picnic!

“I promised to check you for ticks, after all.”

Ah, the real thing we were both looking forward to. Although, I was sure he was going to take it way too seriously for a few minutes before we devolve into sex on the bathroom floor.

“Mmm. I’m thrilled.” I replied honestly, struggling to sit up now that my body had already slipped into Spencer Reid is on Top of You mode. It was one of those rare moments when I wondered if there really was a female version of blue balls, because I was almost certain I had it.

“I have to stop at the bank first, though. I’ll go throw this stuff in the car and we can just walk over.”

“Sure thing, old man.” I huffed as I stood up, holding the much lighter basket while he collected the blanket. Once he took it all from me, I glanced over at the nearby bench with a pout.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“You’re cute,” he smiled, kissing my cheek like it were a more serious goodbye, “I’ll be right back.”

While I waited for him, I cautiously watched the large, dark clouds rolling over the horizon. They threatened to swallow the sunshine that we’d basked in less than hour before. I tried not to think anything of it.

It wasn’t a metaphor; it wasn’t an omen. It was just the weather.

Spencer must have seen the anxiety, because when he came back, he gingerly placed his arms around me from behind, resting his head on my chin.

“I guess we have good timing. It looks like it’s about to storm.” I absently spoke, my eyes still fixed on the sky.

“Yeah, typical finicky Virginia weather, I guess.”

I wasn’t sure if I actually heard it in his voice or made it up, but I swore Spencer was also trying to stop himself from thinking something of the rain. I was probably just being paranoid. It was just a storm. They happened.

“Well, let’s get going so you can cash your check in person like an eighty year old man.” I joked, grabbing his hand and dragging him back towards the exit to the park.

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration. There are other people my age who don’t trust cell phone banking transactions.”

“Are there, though?”

He just shook his head, deciding it wasn’t worth it to get into it with me. Typical young kids, he must have thought, so irresponsible. But he didn’t say it, just held my hand on the short, quiet walk to the ornate building on the corner of two busy streets.

I swung our hands dramatically back and forth, earning an unamused, but still playful, glare from him.

“Your age is showing,” he pointed out before licking his lips and avoiding my eyes. I glared right back before responding, “Your stick-in-the-mud-ness is showing.”

“Not a word. Not a phrase. Not a thing.”

He stopped our hands dead in their tracks as he crossed the threshold, and for a second, I thought he was going to seriously be a spoilsport. But right when I least expected it, he swung our hands again and I nearly smacked into another person.

We both laughed, with me blurting out a frantic, “I’m sorry!”

“So immature,” he chastised, shaking his head with disapproval.

“I can’t believe you. You are such an asshole!”  

The familiar hum and beeping of the metal detectors threatened to dislodge memories from the back of my mind, and I shook my head to try to get rid of them again. Spencer glanced over with concern but didn’t mention it.

I was grateful. I didn’t want to talk about it. Once we had passed security, he settled into the line like he’d done it a million times before. But me, being a normal person who used my banking app to cash checks, felt strangely out of place.

Figuring it might be a minute, and that the ride home would be significantly longer, I decided to go get any residual dirt and grass out of my hair. After all, it would get in the way of our tick searching activities.

“Hey, I’m gonna run to the bathroom. Don’t go anywhere.” I pointed an accusing finger at him as my arm slipped from around his. His hand followed me until he couldn’t hold on any longer, an innocent, lovesick smile on his face.

“You know I could never leave you behind.”

As cheesy as it was, it still made me smile. My heart ached with the saccharine sweetness of his affections. I’d gotten so used to them so fast; I couldn’t even imagine a world without them anymore.

“Don’t miss me too much, Dr. Reid.”

“You know I will, little girl.”

That storm cloud feeling was brewing in my chest again as I pressed a kiss to my fingers, blowing it across the ever-growing distance between us. Why did he feel so far away so suddenly?

I tried not to pay it any mind, humming You Are My Sunshine and imagining Spencer’s terrible singing voice instead. Looking at my reflection, I realized why my cheeks had been getting sore. Because there, staring back at me, was a smile on a neutral face.

I don’t even know when it happened, but it hit me in that bathroom of a bank at 12:47pm on a Saturday that I had fallen madly in love with Spencer Reid. And it suddenly made sense, why he didn’t want me to say it yet. Because I hadn’t realized it yet.

But now I had, and it filled every cell in my body. The blush on my cheeks was evidence of just how much I needed to let it out, to scream it from the rooftops, or at least in the lobby of this old bank.

There were so few things that could overwhelm the emotions I was feeling and rob me of this moment. My brain rioted against any sign of darkness or despair, clinging to the hope that I would be able to tell him soon.

So, when explosive booms rang through the bank, for a long second, I tried to convince myself they were thunder.

But they weren’t. The storm had indeed come, but it wasn’t responsible for the sounds that caused my heart to tear in two and shatter against the floor. The people outside the room were not screaming at the wrath of God, displayed with lightwork in the sky.

It was not thunder.

They were gunshots.

 —————————————————

| Part 14 |

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid series #Criminal Minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds self insert #criminal minds fluff #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #dr spencer reid #spence reid #reid request #spencer reid request #fluff #h2m

[hockeylvr59]

Secret Love Part 5 || Cale Makar

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Authors Note: So I was supposed to post this yesterday, but it was not a good day for me mentally and I just didn’t really get online. So it’s a day late but I think this is a chapter that will have you all freaking out so I hope you enjoy it. 

Warnings: cursing, PG-13 sexual activities. 

Word Count: 1,911

~~~~

Waking up wrapped in Cale’s arms was a shock to your system but one that made you feel warm and safe. The competing mindsets made you gasp, and for a moment you feared you’d woken Cale. Instead, he just tightened his grip on your body, forcing you to snuggle even further into his mostly naked figure. 

As you laid in his arms, your body became attuned to the feeling of his breath on your neck, the way the muscles in his arms twitched, and the solid length of him pressed against you in more ways than one. Heat flooded your core at the feeling of his dick pressed against your ass and you cursed yourself, carefully trying to extricate yourself from his arms. 

Tiptoeing out of his room, you grabbed a pair of leggings from your bag along with a sweater and clean undergarments. Though you debated just changing, you did need to shower so you snuck back through Cale’s room into the bathroom, praying that the sound of the water didn’t disturb him. 

With the heated spray working to alleviate the aches from dancing last night, you rubbed your temples trying to figure out what the hell had happened last night. Okay so you knew what had happened, you weren’t drunk, but you couldn’t figure out why it had happened. Were things actually different between you and Cale or were you just imagining it? He’d just been screwed over hard by his girlfriend of almost three years and you were someone he knew he could trust. That had to explain the increased affection right? 

A knock on the door interrupted your thoughts. Cale popped his head in to ask if you were almost done and you called back that you just needed another minute or two. Rushing through the rest of your shower, you quickly dried off and got dressed before slipping out of the bathroom. 

“It’s all yours!” You called to Cale as you retreated to the couch. You prayed that you had some plans for the day because otherwise you might actually drive yourself crazy. 

Thankfully Laura and Gary came through, and for the next two days you ran around Denver, all of the sights and sounds providing the exact distraction that you needed. By the end of the day you were exhausted and you quickly passed out on the couch with only minimal conversation with Cale. 

On your final day in Denver, Cale played an afternoon game, an upsetting loss in overtime. Gary and Laura wanted to go to a brewery after the game, but that really wasn’t your thing so Cale suggested you just have a relaxing night watching tv in his apartment instead. He’d ordered takeout, and the two of you had sprawled across his couch with reruns of some sitcom playing in the background. 

After dinner he’d suggested opening a bottle of wine and snuggled beside him under his new blanket, one glass became two and two became three. Soon the two of you were working on finishing off your second bottle and you’d reached the point where every nerve ending in your body was humming. 

“You know...we haven’t spent this much time together since...well honestly I can’t remember when…” Cale murmured against your head. “It’s been really nice.” He added. 

“Yeah you’re not so bad to hang out with.” You teased, pressing the side of your face into his shoulder. It still amazed you sometimes that while you were four and a half years older, he was just so much bigger than you in every way. It made you feel safe and with the wine swirling around your brain it made you wonder what it would be like to have him on top of you, pressing you into the mattress. 

You didn’t have to wait long to sort of find out, with your mind off on a tangent you missed Cale trying to get your attention until his fingers were digging into your sides, tickling you as a shrill squeal left your throat. Somehow he’d ended up hovering over you on the couch as you squirmed away from him and the way his blue eyes stared down at you made you freeze. What felt like cracks of electricity passed between you, until finally Cale let out a long sigh and climbed off of you, tucking you back into his side. 

Though nothing had happened, it felt like everything between the two of you had shifted. 

“Am I crazy?” Cale mumbled eventually. 

“I mean you do play a sport where you’re getting hit by 200 pound guys into boards every few nights…” You cheekily replied, trying to cover the way your heart was pounding by making light of his words. 

“Y/N…” Cale grumbled, his fingers coming up to run through his hair. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.” He sighed. “Tell me I’m not crazy. Tell me that you feel this too.” Swallowing hard, you ran your fingers through your hair as well. 

“You’re not crazy.” You spoke, your tone hushed. As he shifted to look at you, you dropped your gaze to your lap. Quickly, his fingers moved to lift your chin, forcing you to look at him. His expression was hopeful but his eyes gave way to the fear and confusion you were also feeling. 

“There’s a spark.” He sounded so sure of himself with that statement that you couldn’t tear your eyes away from him. “I’ve never felt that with anyone else.” His fingers trailed from your jaw to tangle in your hair, his thumb brushing over your cheek. “How have I never noticed this before...you before?” You didn’t have an answer to that, instead, you just shivered at the way he was touching you, like you were the most precious thing on the planet. 

“Come ‘ere.” His request was merely a formality because he was already pulling you into his lap as he spoke it. With your hips now straddling his, you watched as his fingers traced patterns down your arms before he laced his fingers with yours. “Is this okay?” He asked after a moment, genuine concern for your comfort dripping from his words. 

“Yes.” You agreed as your pulse slammed through your veins even harder than before. 

“Shit.” Cale groaned after a moment, the sound of it sending heat to your core. “I always thought this was just some silly cliche teenage crush.” Your eyes went wide at his words and your body tensed slightly, though Cale picked up on both immediately. “You know, falling for your best friend who is too old and too beautiful to ever want anything to do with a kid. Not that you’re too old now...but a few years ago…” You nodded because you knew what he was trying to say. When he was 15, you were by all societal standards too old for him to even consider there being something there; but now...21 (almost 22) and 26 was a different ball game. 

“For years I wished it was just a teenage crush…” You breathed. 

“You….?” Cale didn’t need to verbalize the question for you to understand what he was asking and letting down your guard fully you nodded. 

“I got really good at pretending.” You admitted. For a moment Cale’s eyes grazed over your lips as his hands moved to tug your hips against his. Then his eyes met yours, and seeing no sign of rejection, he tangled a hand in your hair before pulling your mouth onto his. 

As you kissed him back, you slid your own hand around his neck, securing his body to your own. He tasted like the wine you’d been drinking all night and suddenly you just felt warm from head to toe. The kiss started gently but deepened until you were both left breathing heavily upon parting. 

“Shit...can we do that again?” He mumbled, the look in his eyes sending another chill through your body in excitement. Kissing him again, you took the time to explore all of the feelings that just kissing him created. His hands ran up and down your back while yours locked onto his shoulders. Every so often, your hips would rock against his and he’d moan, ratcheting the kiss up another level. It wasn’t long before you felt him grow hard between your bodies and though you didn’t want to, you forced yourself to pull away. 

“Killing me…” Cale grumbled, his head thrown against the back of the couch as he stared at you with blown pupils and swollen lips. 

“You’ve been killing me all week with those wandering hands of yours.” You replied. “Not to mention dragging me to bed with you almost nude the other night.” Cale’s eyes went wide and you realized that he didn’t remember that at all. “What’s the last thing you remember at the bar the other night?” You asked, giggling softly. 

“I remember watching Gravy walk over to you at the bar…” He mentioned, the flush on his cheeks growing rosier again. 

“So you don’t remember dancing with me? The question you asked me?” Cale shook his head and you felt your own cheeks heat up. 

“What did I say?” He sighed, fingers running back through his hair. 

“You uh...you asked me if women like receiving oral because Sara never let you try…” You felt Cale’s groan through your entire body, the sound of it only serving to turn you on. “And then once I got you home, I sent you to get ready for bed while I got you water and pain meds and next thing I know you’re pulling me into bed with you and you wouldn’t let me go.” Cale’s head hit your shoulder as he mumbled out an apology. 

“It was a little awkward but it’s okay.” You assured him, nails scraping over the back of his neck. “It was more awkward waking up to your morning wood.” You teased, giggling until suddenly you were flat on your back once more, Cale’s length still pressing against you. 

“You mean this?” He growled softly, his hips rocking against yours. You gasped at the feeling and at how forward Cale was being. You didn’t know this side of him but you were quickly growing to like it. “This is all because of you. All you have to do is bite your lip or scrape your nails against the back of my neck and just like that I’m hard as a rock.” Cale’s lips dropped to press light kisses against your neck. “Fuck.” He breathed, clearly trying to settle his own body. “It’s never been this easy.” Pocketing that statement in the back of your mind for a later conversation, you eased his mouth back to yours, kissing him gently. 

“Our timing kinda sucks you know…” You sighed, your thumbs brushing over his red cheeks. 

“I know…” He agreed, climbing off of you. 

“Can we just...I just...kiss me and we can worry about everything else later?” You pleaded. Cale’s mouth slanted over yours in compliance and you stayed that way, sharing lazy kisses, until long after the sun had set. As you dozed against him, Cale carried you to his bed, wrapping you in his arms. There wasn’t enough time to explore everything he wanted to with you, but he was going to make the most of what time you did have, whispered promises of summer spilling from his lips. 

#cale makar #cale makar imagine #colorado avalanche #colorado avalanche imagine #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #cavalanche #038

[mostlysignssomeportents]

All the books I reviewed in 2020

I know it's a little late for Xmas shipping, but I'm FINALLY getting around to publishing a roundup of all the books I reviewed in 2019!

Part 1: FICTION FOR ADULTS

I. AGENCY by William Gibson: A sequel to The Peripheral for the Trump years, about seductive bitterness of imagined alternate timelines, filled with cyberpunk cool and action.

https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2020-01-24/agency-william-gibson

II. RIOT BABY by Tochi Onyebuchi: An incandescent Afrofuturist novella that connects the Rodney King uprising with contemporary struggle, pitting supernatural powers against dire politics.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/04/23/riot-baby/#Tochi-Onyebuchi

III. OR WHAT YOU WILL by Jo Walton: A metafiction about the desperate attempt of a character to pull his writer into a fictional world to save the both from human mortality.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/07/little-bro-with-snowden/#metafiction

IV. A BEAUTIFULLY FOOLISH ENDEAVOR by Hank Green: Sequel to An Absolutely Remarkable Thing - a madcap and sometimes brutal tale of social media influencers, alien invaders, disinformation, and runaway capitalism.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/08/absolutely-remarkable-thing/#carls

V. FAILED STATE by Christopher Brown: A legal eco-thriller that imagines the end of capitalism without imagining the end of the world - cyberpunk meets ecotopianism, with anarchist jurisdictions, show-trials, and rewilding.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/08/12/failed-state/#chris-brown

VI. AFTERLAND by Lauren Beukes: Eerily well-timed road-trip novel set after a prostate-cancer plague wipes out nearly every man on Earth, except for the protagonist's teenaged son, who is now being hunted by the (all-female) US government.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/28/afterland/#XY

VII. BALLISTIC KISS by Richard Kadrey: Sandman Slim confronts the worst demons of all - his own trauma and self-doubt.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/08/25/anxietypunk/#bk

VIII. SQUEEZE ME by Carl Hiaasen: Hiaasen was writing comedic whodunnits about improbable Florida Man types decades before the memes, and his Mar-a-Lago gator plague novel is a hectic and hilarious tale for our times.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/10/05/florida-man/#disappearing-act

VIII. The Ministry for the Future by Kim Stanley Robinson: KSR says it's his last novel and I say it's the book he's been training to write all his life. If you like your climate fiction wrenching but still uplifting enough to move you to tears...

https://pluralistic.net/2020/12/03/ministry-for-the-future/#ksr

IX. SET MY HEART TO FIVE by Simon Stephenson: An absurdist robot-romp in the mold of Kurt Vonnegut about a robot who catches the disease of emotions and tries to treat it by moving to Hollywood to write screenplays about robots.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/01/cant-pay-wont-pay/#robot-rights

Part 2: NONFICTION FOR ADULTS

I. A PUBLIC SERVICE by Tim Schwartz: An incredibly practical, detailed guide for would-be whistleblowers (and journalists who work with them) to staying safe while spilling the beans.

https://memex.craphound.com/2020/01/08/a-public-service-a-comprehensive-comprehensible-guide-to-leaking-documents-to-journalists-and-public-service-groups-without-getting-caught/

II. THE MONSTERS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING by Keith Ammann: A sourcebook for RPG game-masters explaining how different kinds of monsters can use a variety of combat tactics that add depth, texture (and challenge) to your games.

https://memex.craphound.com/2020/01/10/the-monsters-know-what-theyre-doing-an-rpg-sourcebook-for-dms-who-want-to-imbue-monsters-with-deep-smart-tactics/

III. SNOWDEN'S BOX by Jessica Bruder and Dale Maharidge: The incredible, true tale of how trust among friends allowed Snowden's leaks to safely transit from his home in Hawai'i to the hands of Laura Poitras and the journalists who reported the story.

https://memex.craphound.com/2020/03/31/snowdens-box-the-incredible-illuminating-story-of-the-journey-of-snowdens-hard-drive/

III. ABOLISH SILICON VALLEY by Wendy Liu: A personal journey from a fully bought-in believer in Silicon Valley's meritocracy to a ferocious critic who demands tech to serve humanity, not a human race in service to the tech industry.

https://memex.craphound.com/2020/04/14/abolish-silicon-valley-memoir-of-a-driven-startup-founder-who-became-an-anti-capitalist-activist/

IV. THE CASE FOR A JOB GUARANTEE by Pavlina Tcherneva: A fierce little book setting out an economic program to rescue the nation and the planet from a system that insists we can't even hope for a better world.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/06/22/jobs-guarantee/#job-guarantee

VII. SUBPRIME ATTENTION CRISIS by Tim Hwang: What's worse than having our lies destroyed by surveillance to manipulate us with ads? Having our lives destroyed by surveillance in order to fuel a fraudulent market in ad-based manipulation.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/10/05/florida-man/#wannamakers-ghost

VIII. MONOPOLIES SUCK by Sally Hubbard: There are plenty of *great* books about monopolies and the resurgence in antitrust, but Hubbard's is the most practical, providing the reader with excellent advice for actually *doing something* about monopolism.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/10/27/peads-r-us/#sally-hubbard

IX. BREAK 'EM UP by Zephyr Teachout: The most lucid, readable, infuriating, energizing book on the rise of monopolies. Teachout never loses sight of the systemic nature of the problem, even as she uses individual stories to tell the tale.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/29/break-em-up/#break-em-up

X. BOUNDLESS REALM by Fox Nolte: There has never been a better book about the Haunted Mansion (indeed, this is one of the best books ever written about environmental design in general). Nolte goes *way* beyond trite wisdom about "storytelling."

https://pluralistic.net/2020/11/09/boundless-realm/#fuxxfur

PART 3: GRAPHIC NOVELS

I. YEAR OF THE RABBIT by Tean Viasna: A graphic memoir of Viasna's harrowing boyhood during the rise of the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. It's a tale we've rarely seen through the eyes of a child, and brilliantly realized.

https://memex.craphound.com/2020/01/22/year-of-the-rabbit-a-graphic-novel-memoir-of-one-familys-life-under-the-khmer-rouge/

II. FEMALE FURIES by @misscecil​: Castellucci uses an obscure and anachronistic all-woman cast of DC Universe b-characters to tell an incredible, smart, pitiless story about #MeToo, comics, solidarity and betrayal.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/06/29/female-furies/#apokolips-now

III. LONELINESS OF THE LONG-DISTANCE CARTOONIST by Adrian Tomine: A memoir of intensely felt impostor syndrome, a forceful reminder that comparison is the thief of joy - and that the traits that keep an artist going at first go toxic over time.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/21/the-thief-of-joy/#tomine

IV. CONSTITUTION ILLUSTRATED by R Sikoryak: The Trump years were an unhappy crash-course in Constitutional law, but Sikoryak's genius adaptation of the Constitution in the style of dozens of cartoonists is a pure delight.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/27/ip/#r-sikoryak

PART 4: KIDS AND YA

I. SEND PICS by Lauren McLaughlin: A YA novel that's a thrilling revenge-play about "revenge porn," a cyber-heist novel that's also a sneaky and forceful book about teen girls' sexuality.

https://memex.craphound.com/2020/04/21/send-pics-ripping-brutal-amazing-novel-about-teens-sextortion-revenge-and-justice/

II. IMPOSSIBLE MUSIC by Sean Williams: A YA novel about a music-obsessed kid who loses his hearing is the frame for a book about ability, adaptation, music theory, family, Deafness and what dreams are really for.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/06/30/deafhood/#impossible-music

III. HARD WIRED by Len Vlahos: A 15 year old discovers the truth behind bizarre dysfunction of the world around him: he's an AI in a sim, and the guy he thinks of as his long-dead father is actually the research scientists who created him.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/08/31/ai-rights-now/#len-vlahos

IV. ADVENTURES OF A DWERGISH GIRL, by Daniel Pinkwater: Like every Pinkwater novel, it defies description, it is brilliant, and it is his best to date. Ghosts, Revolutionary War fleshbots, papaya juice, and supernatural beings from the Catskills!

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/25/dwergish-girl/#you-are-a-pickle

V. WITCH by Finbar Hawkins: A beautiful debut novel about a pair of 17th century sisters who avenge themselves against the witchfinders that murdered their mother. A superbly told historical.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/10/01/the-years-of-repair/#witch

FINALLY: I published *four* books in 2020!

I. POESY THE MONSTER SLAYER: My debut picture book, about a little girl who turns her toys into weapons and torments her parents by hunting monsters all night, with wonderful art by Matt Rockefeller:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627

II. LITTLE BROTHER/HOMELAND: My multibestselling YA novels were reissued last summer in a gorgeous package with a (fantastic) new introduction by Snowden.

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250774583

III. ATTACK SURFACE: A standalone, adult sequel to Little Brother and Homeland. The New York Times called it "vocal and unflinching" and "ultimately optimistic"; the Washington Post called it a "riveting techno-thriller."

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250757531

IV. HOW TO DESTROY SURVEILLANCE CAPITALISM: A long pamphlet/short book that makes the case that Big Tech manipulates us and spies on us because they have monopolies - not because they've developed devastating, data-driven mind-control.

https://onezero.medium.com/how-to-destroy-surveillance-capitalism-8135e6744d59

[flowercoasts]

the evolution of beau’s crush on jester

or, i looked at marisha’s likes on twitter for 2 hours and here are my findings

DISCLAIMER: i only went as far back as December of 2018 (12/20/18) because of the boat scene. i also left out beau & jester fanarts that i personally deemed to be largely platonic and not too relevant to this.... study (?).

#1: around December 2018, episode 46, was a pivotal moment in Beau & Jester’s relationship, the Boat Scene. accordingly, marisha liked 3 separate fanarts of Beau & Jester saying “i love you”/hugging around December 20-24 2018. none were explicitly shippy, and most seemed platonic in nature.

#2: marisha liked two more tweets about beau loving jester/feeling protective over her. again, mainly platonic and not shippy in nature. both were liked on 1/31/19, which, according to a quick cross-reference with a tweet by critical role on the same date, was the airing date of episode 50 - here, the m9 were traveling underground, beau read some smut books aloud, and acted with jester and called her “mistress”.

#3: the first real hint of beaujester - marisha liked a fanart with “okay but my heart explodes every time beau sees jester sad/scared/frustrated and she goes a lil soft” beau & jester are hugging and the fanart is tagged #beaujester. marisha liked it on 4/21/19 - this is after the 59th episode (aka beau stays up with jester through her sickness).

#4: a fanart from day 1 of Beaujester Week 2019 depicting the two in battle together. it’s only tagged with #beaujester and did not have marisha tagged. marisha liked it on 7/25/19 - the closest beaujester scene in canon would’ve been the dress scene in ep 71 but marisha specifically liked other dress scene fanarts, so she found it through the #beaujester tag.

#5: speaking of the Dress Scene - marisha liked a fanart of that scene on 7/26/19. it is not tagged as beaujester or shippy in nature, but considering previous likes and marisha’s own words about the Dress Scene on Talks, it’s safe to say Beau was feeling some type of way.

#6: that dress scene really sparked marisha’s beaujester mind! marisha liked a fanart with the caption “if yellow is the happiest color, your blue puts it to shame” which depicts beau and jester in a romantic dancer-esque pose, holding hands, smiling, and surrounding by falling rose petals. it’s tagged with #beauster, tags marisha and laura, and she liked it on 7/26/19, BUT the art was created on 3/6/19! either marisha went through the fanarts she was tagged in or she went through the #beauster tag on twitter.

#7: her likes for beaujester become more and more frequent - a fanart depicting beau kissing jester on the cheek was tagged with #beaujes. marisha liked this tweet on 8/22/19, aka the thursday that episode 76 aired: the one where beau goes “i look at jester” after kissing reani!

#8: another beau & jester fanart, though this one isn’t shippy in nature - it simply depicts beau and jester in winter clothes. however, marisha liked it on 8/23/29, and it comes right after the previous like of #7 (above), which is a little bit telling. still not as important as —

#9: sizzlebread’s infamous “what is it about jester” fanart that marisha and laura both liked. marisha liked this on 11/15/19, the night of episode 85, aka Beau’s crush confession.

#10: another piece that isn’t necessarily romantically beaujester in nature but depicts beau looking fondly up at jester, who’s leaning on her. it also comes right between two big beaujester likes from marisha. she liked it on 12/19/19, the night of episode 89, where Beau and Jester had their most recent conversation at the Cottage in Rexxentrum.

#11: the most recent beaujester like from marisha is ruushes amazing beaujester tattoo art. the caption is “tattoo designs... but make it beaujes” and marisha liked it on 12/20/19, again the closest episode to that is 89.

MORE CONCISE TIMELINE

December 20-24, 2018: platonic beau & jester fanarts of the Boat Scene from episode 46.

January 31, 2019: 2 platonic fanarts of beau loving/feeling protective over jester. can be connected to episode 50.

April 21, 2019: a fanart tagged with #beaujester that marisha liked after episode 59.

July 22, 2019: a dress scene fanart from episode 71 and a romantic beaujester piece! the first one is not tagged as beaujester, but the second one is romantic and tagged as #beauster.

July 25, 2019: a beaujester week 2019 fanart that marisha liked.

August 22, 2019: a romantic fanart tagged with #beaujes. marisha liked this on the night episode 76 aired.

August 23, 2019: not necessarily a romantic beaujester piece, but it comes right after the last like of August 22.

November 15, 2019: the iconic sizzlebread crush rendition. marisha liked this on 12/19/19, the day that episode 85 aired, where beau revealed her crush on jester.

December 19, 2019: this one is not explicitly beaujester but it comes right between two of the bigger beaujester fanarts and marisha liked the art on the night that episode 89 aired.

December 20, 2019: ruushes amazing tattoo art, complete with a beaujes caption. romantic vibes all around!

MY THOUGHTS: just as marisha said on the Talks after episode 85, it’s hard to pinpoint where exactly beau realized! but i can make a pretty solid guess. beau’s always had a soft spot for jester, which marisha confirmed on the special “discussing campaign 2 so far” talks episode. beau’s feelings for jester have probably always been in the back of her mind (in ep 2 jester says “should we take our clothes off?” and beau answers, “did you say that because you wanna tell me something?” timestamp 2:54:38) but she never pursued it because she thought it would never happen. however, sometime around the xhorhas arc, those feelings began to become a little more prominent. there’s a list of beaujester moments that happen during/after the xhorhas arc i could list: “in a way” of ep 49 , “i follow jester” in 53, the beaujester talk of 70, the worm battle in 73, their scenes in the happy fun ball, All of their Little Moments... but i would say the Dress Scene of episode 71 was the moment of realization/reflection, or at least a big moment in Beau’s journey to revealing her crush. marisha’s likes seem to become more romantically beaujester-inclined after the Dress Scene as well.

so there you have it! my findings, accompanied by some speculation and episode cross referencing.

again, these are all my own thoughts! take my findings and do with it what you will!

(i have screenshots if needed btw)

#elena talks #critical role #cr meta #beaujester #cr speculation #beauregard lionett #beau #its past 3 am but here it is

[ascottywrites]

The Angsty Post

Where Happy Endings come at the slowest of paces.

*Or, you know, sometimes not at all. 

Rewriting the future by Synesthetic  (Complete: 28/28| 106,631) --Steter 

Two days before their planned bonding, alpha Derek Hale runs away with his secret beta girlfriend, leaving Stiles heartbroken. With the demands of his omega physiology forcing him to bond with someone before his first heat, Derek's uncle Peter steps in and offers a solution.

Backstage is Full of Parasites by Falln_Grce (Complete: 14/14| 61,346) --Steter 

A little tweak to the Teen Wolf universe where Stiles learned to take care of himself from a young age. And despite going through trauma as a child, he's 17 now and has adjusted to the new normal as well as he can. With a soulmate-AU just to keep things interesting.

What if the Sheriff didn't turn to alcohol when his wife died... What if he focused all of his attention on helping a seven year old, recently removed from an abusive home, Isaac get settled into the Stilinski household... Where would Stiles fit into that world?

How I Long For Yesterday by sweetbutterbliss (One-shot| 6,017) --Sterek 

Stiles blinks, his throat going dry, and he moves his thumb without thinking - liking the post. He feels a surge of petty satisfaction. At least the fucker will know he knows now. He stands up, his body feeling too heavy, and he blows out the already guttering candles. He lets out a sob of frustration when the last one won't fucking blow out. But he sucks it back in and bites down on his tongue, using his thumb and forefinger instead.

He throws himself into their empty bed without undressing. He lies there repeating the words 'Derek blew me off for Isaac' over and over. He tells himself to shut up while rearranging his pillow violently, but he goes to sleep with the refrain continuing its painful loop.

You're Not Who I Thought You Were by halcyon1993 (Complete: 21/21| 84,549) --Sterek 

Stiles is lonely. The only person who really talks to him is his best friend, and even Scott seems eager to ditch him whenever someone better comes along. Following a stupid decision made late one night, his small world opens up as he discovers things he never before thought possible and he meets a mysterious man who could be the answer to all of his problems.

In Word and in Deed by lielabell (one-shot| 7,778) --Sterek 

Stiles has stopped saying "I love you." Derek wants to know why.

(Once in a) Blue Moon by clarkoholic, skywardsmiles (Complete: 14/14| 60,051) --Sterek 

Stiles and Derek are getting along, but they’re not a family, and they’re sure as hell not mates. Christ, they’re basically just two stupid guys who happened to get pregnant because of a full moon and sheer dumb luck.

We Are Made of Our Memories by JenyaKeefe (Complete: 9/9| 12,441) --Sterek

"I don't have amnesia." "Um, clearly you do. You're under a spell that's taken a year's worth of memories." "No. I've wakened from a spell."

Lost on you by devilscut (Complete: 7/7| 51,322) --Steterek 

A deadly encounter with an Alpha changes Stiles' life forever - kicked out and betrayed by his best friend and brother, Scott McCall, he leaves Beacon Hills, but much to his surprise not alone. Ten years down the track, living a life he never dreamed possible, a chance meeting brings back memories of that night - the good and bad mixed with a whole lotta WTF that even now still has him scratching his head as to what happened.

In Treatment by tzzzz (Complete: 22/22| 166,937) --Sterek 

Derek hires Stiles, a professional alpha sex therapist, to help him through his heat.

The New Normal by midnightcas (Complete: 27/27| 63,392) --Sterek 

After Stiles gets hurt...again, Derek puts him on the metaphorical supernatural bench. Meanwhile, Stiles tries to have a normal life and make normal friends. But when a new pack comes to town and the Hales start getting threats, things start to get a little....not normal.

The Mating Privilege by Kikileduc (Complete: 12/12| 35,380) --Sterek 

Stiles and Derek have been happily mated. The pack is doing well, but in hopes of creating alliances for it to do better, Derek accepts a neighboring pack's request to allow two wolves to join the Hale-McCall pack for a full moon cycle. They hope to form a blood-tie, or at least a long term friendship between the two packs. The issue is Kohona, the tribal leader's daughter, has her eyes set on an unavailable alpha wolf. This could have drastic consequences for their young emissary, however...

Beta read by the amazing Splash_of_ bi! Cannot thank you enough!!

Jokingly I'm adding this WARNING after having two separate comments talk about heart palpitations and others stating they are physically shaking or experiencing high blood pressure after reading the first few chapters.... WARNING: read with caution if you have a pre existing heart condition, Derek and the Pack may cause you to be upset!!

If We Could Match by forestofbabel (Complete: 9/9| 23,455) --Sterek

As Stiles waits behind the camera during an interview, he thinks he should maybe quit. Because, in all honesty, despite the charming smile the actor is pulling out for EW, Derek Hale is kind of a jerk.

Your Heart for My White Fences by zgdtx (Complete: 10/10| 29,444) --Sterek 

At first, Derek was the one night stand that he could not pry himself away from. Before he knew it, Derek was the married man Stiles had fallen in love with. Then, Stiles was the little lamb being tossed into a pit of wolves, helpless and alone. There was not much he could do, no, not much at all. Dark AU.

Call in the Air Stike (Tell Them to Make the Drop) by WednesdaysDaughter (Complete: 2/2| 5,126) --Sterek 

"How do you tell your best friend that the guy you were slowly falling in love with flat out said you were nothing but a waste of space, and you’ve secretly felt that way about yourself once or twice on a bad day? The answer is, you don’t."

Twyla Hale by FiccinDylan (Complete: 13/13| 37,123) --Sterek 

After the formula of their go-to product changes, "Hair Day" becomes "Hell Day" in the Hale Pack household. It's time for Derek to call in the pros, imagine his surprise when he's presented with a wicked tongued white boy with honey brown eyes.

***sure there’s some stuff that happens that’s not fun but i think I would characterize this as light angst in comparison to the inherent possibilities of this fandom lol  

Baby You're Beautiful by supernaynay (one-shot| 1,089) --Sterek 

“God you’re beautiful.”

Derek hadn’t even realized that the words had left his mouth until the whole room went silent, including Stiles, who until about five seconds earlier was busy yelling at him for putting himself in danger yet again.

I want to do this for you by Late_to_the_fandom (Complete: 17/17| 19,323) --Sterek 

“You must be delusional,” Derek deadpanned as he stood abruptly and stalked away indignantly to throw the broken shards of his cup in the garbage can. “In what harebrained scenario of yours did you think I’d say yes to this?” His heart thundered in his chest as he stared at Stiles in disbelief. “Nothing good can come out of this and you know it.” He paced angrily, his hands fisting then uncurling as he tried to rein his emotions. He stopped suddenly, his glare piercing and his words cutting, “I would never let you use me like this.”

There's Something About Love that Breaks Your Heart by Stereklover11 (Complete: 5/5| 7,835) --Sterek 

"I love you," Stiles said.

Derek didn't answer right away. Then he said:

"I'm sorry Stiles, but I don't feel that way about you. Or any guy for that matter."

The one where Derek is bisexual but doesn't know it and refuses Stiles' love...at first. ;)

Baby Daddy by DiscontentedWinter (Complete: 25/25| 55,369) --Sterek 

Laura Hale decides it's time to expand her pack. And Stiles could really use the money. And Derek... well, that's when things get complicated.

Bake to Remember, Eat to Forget by butyoureyessaidyes (Complete: 19/19) --Sterek 

It’s 6:18 A.M. on a Monday, and Stiles is using his thumbs to shape the fondant butt of a Winnie the Pooh sculpture. It’s the most action he’s seen in a long time.

--

Or the one where Stiles runs his own bakery, never locks the front door, and doesn't know he's part of a werewolf pack (until he does).

Kill Me Once, Shame On You by AllTheseSquaresMakeACircle (wip: 15/?| 46,512) --Sterek 

In the aftermath of their final bout with Gerard, things kinda went to shit. Yeah, they won. But Scott had violated some major boundaries. Jackson was still an emotionally constipated douche. Erica and Boyd were missing. In general, everyone was left missing a piece of themselves in one form or another. There was also the fact that there was a literal pack of alphas bearing down on them. Stiles was really getting sick of this shit.

(There's) Sulphur in Our Blood by WonderWolf (wip: 19/21| 186,356) --Sterek 

"Harris put you on a recon mission with Derek. You. Alone with Derek. On a mission. Together,” Scott says, slowly. “Does Harris want you dead?”

“I believe so," Stiles says gravely.

(Secret Agent AU where Derek blames Stiles for his sister’s death and Stiles is pretty sure that Derek’s going to murder him. As if that weren’t enough to deal with, Stiles’ familiar keeps having public breakdowns.

Oh, and there’s a mole in the agency, so there’s that too).

#Sterek #Steter #teen wolf #teenwolf #stiles stilinski #derek hale #Peter Hale #angst #little bit of angst #happy endings #most times #fanfiction #fic rec #fic list #10/10 would reccomend #recommendations #magic!stiles #werewolves #steterek #stiles x peter #stiles x derek #stiles x derek x peter #stackson brotp

[penniesforthestorm]

“There’s something wrong here”: Twin Peaks Recap, Season 2, Episodes 20, 21, and 22

Well, here we are. (Long strange trip, etc....) Below are the annotations for the final three episodes of the original run of Twin Peaks, along with some additional theories and observations. This has been a tremendously fun exercise; if you’ve been following along, pop on over to my inbox any time--I’m always up for more discussion. Stay tuned for my rundown on Fire Walk With Me, and very soon we’ll move onto The Return. Until then, I’ll see you in the trees...

Episode Twenty: “The Path to the Black Lodge”

-Windom Earle’s “pawn” was named Rusty Tomawski, and he was traveling with a band when their van’s tires broke down. Hope he made it to that great gig in the sky...

-Deputy Andy Brennan, on the environment: “Styrofoam never dies as long as you live.”

-Doc Heyward, to Ben Horne: “It’s what’s in your heart you should be worried about.”

-Wheeler’s business partner in Brazil has been murdered, so he’s trying to make tracks. Buddy, we hardly knew ye...

-Briggs shows Coop and Truman the Project Blue Book files on Windom Earle, including a tape of him discussing “dark sorcerers called Dukhpas” that inhabit the Black Lodge. Coop realizes he has mistaken Earle’s reason for coming to Twin Peaks in the first place.

-At the RR, Bobby Briggs and Shelley Johnson have about as much of a serious discussion as we’ve seen them have. This is the thing about Bobby--he might be a brat, but deep down, he truly loves Shelley. I believe he wanted to love Laura, too.

-Coop and Truman talk with Audrey, Donna, and Shelley, and confirm that they have all encountered Earle in various disguises, and that Leo Johnson wrote out the poem.

-Ben talks with Audrey at the Great Northern- when she leaves to chase after Jack, Ben is alone in the office, but he suddenly jerks around as if he hears something. Cut to Pete Martell in the lobby, crooning a lament for Josie Packard: “Josie, I see your face...”

-Earle captures Major Briggs. “Garland, what do you fear most in the world?” “The possibility that love is not enough.”

-At the Roadhouse, Coop teaches Annie how to dance, calling her a ‘queen’. The Giant appears, waving his hands and mouthing “No”, in warning.

-OK, as much as I would go fishing with Major Briggs, that goes double for good ol’ Pete Martell. Up around Seeley Lake, right at the end of July so we could get some huckleberries, too.

-In this episode, we see repeated instances of people’s hands trembling: a woman at the RR, Coop, and Pete as he waits for Audrey...oh, and whose arm is that, reaching out of the blackness in the woods?...

Episode Twenty-One: “Miss Twin Peaks”

-another directed by Tim Hunter

-Leo frees Major Briggs, whispering “Save Shelley”

-Norma was the first winner of the Miss Twin Peaks Pageant (quelle surprise...); in the discussion, Annie mentions Laura Palmer.

-Cooper makes the connection between BOB and the Black Lodge, and also with Josie’s death

-Donna confronts Doc and Eileen Heyward about Ben Horne; what I’m wondering is, where are the other two Heyward girls? (Also, it pleases me that Donna and I have the same middle name; it’s a common one, but still.)

-Major Briggs is in bad shape at the sheriff’s office, but he manages to tell Coop and Harry: “Fear and Love open the doors” to the Lodges. He also mumbles “Judy Garland”...

-And the pageant begins! I guess one of Annie’s convent sisters must’ve been a Rockette at some point; her form in the kickline is impeccable. And how about Lucy Moran, pregnant and still knocking out fouettes, pirouettes, and landing a split?!

-Audrey Horne: “When something you care about is in danger, you must fight to save it or lose it forever.” Annie’s speech is, of course, perfect. Donna confronts Ben Horne, and Lucy chooses Andy. Exit Richard Tremayne, to the collective relief of us all...

-And Annie is our queen. Really, who could begrudge her? I’m glad she gets her moment with her crown, her roses, and the adoring crowd, before the darkness falls.

Episode Twenty-Two: “Beyond Life and Death”

-Andy, reassuring Lucy: “I’d help you have that baby right there in the elevator, in front of God and everybody.” I love them so! much!

-Coop and Truman confirm the entrance to the Lodges at Glastonbury Grove, among the sycamores. I do love Pete’s interruption: “King Arthur is buried in England! ...Last I heard...”

-The Log Lady brings the oil from her husband, and Hawk brings in Ronette Pulaski to confirm the scent. This is one of my favorite details: way back at the beginning, it was Hawk that kept watch over Ronette in the hospital. Who knows what she remembers from that time, but I love it that she instinctively turns to him for refuge when the scent scares her.

-Annie officially meets Windom Earle; she is quite reasonably terrified, but strong enough to maintain a little skepticism, like, what is this dude’s problem?

-Some loose ends, tied (sorta): Nadine fully regains consciousness (I still don’t know what to make of the Mike business); Donna, with her bags packed, confronts Ben Horne and her mother, Doc and Sylvia Horne show up. Congrats, Ben, you’ve infuriated two families...

-I had forgotten how much this cuts back and forth once Coop enters the Lodge; worth mentioning that Gordon Cole described Shelley Johnson as ‘looking like the babe without the arms’, and in the hallway of the Lodge, there’s a replica of the Venus de Milo

-The business at the bank, Audrey crossing paths with Andrew Packard and Pete Martell-- I’ve brought up before that the Eckhardt/Packard intrigue storyline never quite meshed for me, but I do like Packard quoting Marcus Aurelius like the pompous s.o.b. he is...

-Bobby, on the subject of Leo: “He’s probably up in the woods having the time of his life.” Well, in a manner of speaking, that’s not wholly inaccurate...

-OK, Theory Time (tm)!: Sarah Palmer, seen here delivering a message to Major Briggs. I believe that “Sarah” is a Lodge denizen, or intermediary of some kind, similar to the Giant or the One-Armed Man-- she is able to perceive BOB and the others, and to give warning, but cannot directly effect the outcome of a situation. Whether she always was, or whether, at some point, she was overtaken, I’m not sure, but I think this plays into her arc in The Return, and may explain some of FWWM.

-And into the Lodge we go. The Man from Another Place says, “The next time you see me, it won’t be me.” The Giant reveals that he and the waiter are “One and the same.” Coop meets: Laura (”See you again in twenty-five years”); Maddy (”Watch out for my cousin”), Caroline/Annie (”I saw the face of the man who killed me”/ “You’re mistaken, I’m alive”), and Leland Palmer (”I never killed anyone”). Windom Earle offers to take Coop’s soul in exchange for letting Annie live, and Coop accepts, but BOB intervenes.

-Cooper, regaining consciousness at the Great Northern: “I wasn’t sleeping.” And the mirror shows us the awful truth: a Return, of someone we hoped we’d never see, riding along with the last person we’d hope to see him with.

...Whew!! That’s all for now, though, of course, this is only a stop on the journey. Keep your owls close and your donuts closer, and...meanwhile...

#tv #recap #watching twin peaks again #long post #twin peaks

[until-theend-oftheline]

Kari’s What If MCU Challenge

I reached 3k and got a hold of the infinity stones. I snapped my fingers and changed one thing about the MCU several times creating new timelines. It’s now your mission should you chose to accept it to tell me what that single change would make the MCU look like. 

Interested? Read on. And please reblog this to spread the word!

Due Date: October 4th, 2019

Word min: 1k words

Word Max: 10k words

Style: It can be a one-shot or the beginning of a series. If your series cross 10K talk to me about it. I’ll allow it but I might not read it all depending on the number of people that break the top count. 

Fandom: MCU 

Will you read and reblog my fic?

You betcha :D I am behind on reading for previous challenges so patience is a virtue here

When Do I Post?

Right now. Sign-Ups start now and end when there are no more prompts or when the due date rolls around

Genre: Anything you want. You have to be over 18 if you write smut and you always have to warn accordingly! Fluff, angst, AUs, and crack are all welcome.

Limits on what you can write: No Mommy/Daddy kinks, no non/dub con, no A/B/O, no merpeople. No half animal anything, please. No mobster aus. No monster porn (this counts Venom and Hulk) No glorification on cheating (it’s okay as a plot device but use it with thought) - if you got any questions at any time feel free to send me an ask,

NO BDSM INVOLVING BUCKY - NEITHER IN SHIPS OR READER INSERTS! PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL OF HIS PTSD! DON’T TURN HIS ARM INTO A KINK FOR ANYONE - IT’S A DISABILITY AND CONNECTED TO GREAT TRAUMA.

Format: State in your A/N that it is for my (until-theend-oftheline) Kari’s What if MCU Challenge. And use the # Kari’s What if MCU Challenge in the first 5 tags.

Pairing and word count also have to be easy to spot in your header!

Submit: After you posted on Tumblr you have to add yourself and your fic to this doc. If you don’t do this you will not be added to the masterlist I create when the challenge is over. If you got questions - just ask :D

Doc link it case Tumblr is an ass: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11r5CGQXp4UXjG0Tfx0MTai8gxtIxp5YdNJrsbuVcJN4/edit?usp=sharing

How do I join?

You pick a prompt and a pairing off the list. Then you go to this doc to sign up: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xYnJWm5K2XZECz_S1S4ArXy7Ha70qlA3FxMVIujxCzs/edit?usp=sharing

If you got any problems let me know and I will sign you up manually. Any questions are welcomed via asks as well.

Prompts and pairings are under the cut.

Prompts1 What if Bucky realized he was injected with super serum before the fall?

2 What if Vision had sided with Ultron?

3 What if our Steve called Mjolnir in the past and Thor had no idea where his hammer went? 

4 What if Steve and Thor called Mjolnir at the same time?

5 What if Steve had fallen from the train instead of Bucky?

6 What if the fugitive Avengers hadn’t been offered asylum in Wakanda?

7 What if Tony had died from a heart attack after the battle of New York?

8 What if Steve went looking for Bucky after the battle of New York?

9 What if Sam encountered Winter Soldier in war before meeting Steve? 

10 What if Pierto hadn’t died? 

11 What if Clint hadn’t got a wife and kids?

12 What if Tony had consulted the others before building Ultron? 

13 What if Steve had never found Bucky being held captive during WW2?

14 What if Thor was stuck on Earth when Loki stole his ride home after the battle of NY?

15 What if Natasha had found Clint years earlier (Endgame era)?

16 What if Loki had brainwashed Fury instead of Clint?

17 What if Natasha only trusted Clint for the longest time after he brought her into SHIELD?

18 What if the Avengers went to hunt down Venom?

19 What if Wade Wilson joined the Avengers on a mission? 

20 What if Clint had made the sacrifice for the soul stone?

21 What if Natasha knew Bucky/Winter Soldier better than she let on with Steve? 

22 What if Sam had been hit by Vision instead of Rhodey during CW?

23 What if Clint hadn’t gone into house arrest and had still been with Cap when Thanos attacked?

24 What if Tony had used Steve’s burner phone to make contact before or when Thanos attacked? 

25 What if Sam had refused the shield?

26 What if the Avengers had agreed about the accords and not signed?

27 What if the Avengers had agreed about the accords and signed?

28 What if Loki had been banished instead of Thor?

30 What if Laura had been Clint’s sister (or Barney’s wife) not his wife?

31 What if Clint became Captain America?

32 What if Killmonger had found Bucky?

33 What if Bucky became Captain America?

34 What if Sam as Captain and Bucky build a new team of Avengers?

35 What if the politicians are still scared off/wanting to control the Avengers powers after EG?

36 What if Wanda took over for Nat helping Sam (and Bucky) run the Avengers?

37 What if T’Challa hadn’t won back his throne?

38 What if Wanda had stayed with Steve, Nat and Sam?

Pairings

IF YOU WANNA WRITE A PAIRING I HAVEN’T LISTED HERE - SEND ME AN ASK. I MIGHT SAY YES BUT PLEASE ACCEPT MY NO AS WELL - I HAVE TO READ THESE.

Characters (x reader or oc)

Bucky Barnes

Steve Rogers

Thor Odinson

Tony Stark

Wanda Maximoff

Sam Wilson

Brunnhilde/Valkyrie

Natasha Romanoff

Clint Barton

Ships (all are allowed as poly with reader too):

Stucky

Winterwitch

Winterwidow

Winterhawk

Winterfalcon

Sam x Clint (I don’t know their ship name)

Clintasha

Steggy

Thundershield

Thor x Brunnhilde/Valkyrie (also forgot the ship name)

#kari's what if mcu challenge #mcu writing challenge #challenge

[signature-salsa]

Almost a books worth of love quotes

I love love quotes. They are so romantic and soul crushing when you don’t believe in the concept of love. It’s such bittersweet bliss. I have so many. Without further ado, lets dive in!

01.) “True love it like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen” ~ Francois De Le Rochefoucauld

02.) “You call my name, I come to you in pieces, So you can make me whole” ~Red, Pieces

03.) “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you” ~ Winnie The Pooh,  A. A. Milne

04.) “Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.” ~The Princess Bride

05.) “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depths and breath and height my soul can reach, When feeling out of sight for the ends of being and idea grace. I love thee to the level of everyday’s candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right; I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with a passion put to use in my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints, I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life! and if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death” ~Sonnet 43, Elizabeth Barrett Browning

06.) “We have three kinds of family. Those we are born to, those who are born to us, and those we let into our hearts” ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon, Bad Moon Rising

07.) “To get the full value of a joy, you must have somebody to divide it with” ~Mark Twain

08.) “I was hiding under your porch because I love you” ~Doug, Up

09.) “The sun may set and the moon may wane, but my love for you remains ever constant. I am, and always will be yours... Forever.” ~Fairy Fencer F

10.) “Deep in my soul I know that I’m your destiny” ~Mulan

11.) “To face the future with another who means more than any other is to be loved” ~The Rescuers

12.) “I have found my star. She is beauty and grace. Elegance and goodness. My laughter in winter. She is courageous and strong. Bold and tempting. Unlike any other in all the universe” ~Sherrylin Kenyon, Dance With The Devil

13.) “My dream wouldn’t be complete without you in it” ~The princess and the frog

14.) “If I had a brush right now, I’d paint you all around me” ~Single File, Laura

15.) “When I look at you, I can feel it. I look at you and I’m home” ~Dory, Finding Nemo

16.) “You are my greatest adventure” ~The Incredibles

17.) “Love is... Putting someone else’s dreams before your own” ~Olaf, Frozen

18.) “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)

19.) “It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like, so long as somebody loves you.” ~Roald Dahl, The Witches

20.) “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream” ~Sleeping Beauty

21.) “We are most alive when we’re in love” ~John Updike

22.) “True love stories never have an ending” ~Richard Bach

23.) “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies” ~Aristotle

24.) “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other” ~Audrey Hepburn

25.) “Love always cures people, both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it” ~Karl Menninger

26.) “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet” ~Plato

27.) “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” ~ Mighon McLaughlin

28.) “To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship” ~Domenico Cieri Estrada

29.) “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction” ~Antoine De Saint-Exupĕcy 

30.) “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” ~ Victor Hugo

31.) “If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.” ~Michel de Montaigne

32.) “We loved with a love that was more than love.” ~Edgar Allan Poe

33.) “Life is the flower for which love is the honey.” ~Victor Hugo

34.) “To say ‘I love you’ one must first be able to say the ‘I’.” ~Ayn Rand

35.) “There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~Victor Hugo 

36.) “If I were a zombie, I’d never eat your brain. I’d just want your heart, yeah want your heart, just want your heart” ~Stephanie Mabey, The Zombie Song

37.) “When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No … don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!” ~ Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres

38.) “In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” ~Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen

39.) “You are my heart, my life, my one and only thought.” ~The White Company, Arthur Conan Doyle

40.) “ Just like nicotine, Heroine, Morphine, Suddenly, I'm a fiend and you're all I need, All I need, yeah, you're all I need” ~Never Be the Same, Camila Cabello

41.) “ You've already won me over in spite of me, And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet, And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are” ~Head Over Feet, Alanis Morissette

42.) “ Just for a second with you, the highest mountain I'd climb, every time that I see you, each moment feels so sublime “ ~xXVVSOSVVXx

43.) “ Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life “ ~Thank You, Dido

44.) “We’ve loved each other so long I’ve never been a man and not loved her.” ~The Essex Serpent, Sarah Perry

45.) “You are sunlight through a window, which I stand in, warmed. My darling.” ~The Miniaturist, Jessie Burton

46.) “Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.” ~Hamlet, William Shakespeare

47.) “I would love to say that you make me weak in the knees but to be quite upfront and completely truthful you make my body forget it has knees at all.” ~Love Language, Chasers of the Light, Tyler Knott Gregson 

48.) “Love starts as a feeling, but to continue is a choice. And I find myself choosing you, more and more every day.” ~Bending The Universe, Justin Wetch

49.)  “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” ~Oscar Wilde

50.)  "Baby it's you. You're the one I love, You're the one I need, You're the only one I see." ~Love On Top, Beyoncé

51.) "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." ~Princess Bride

52.) “I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world.” ~Arwen, Lord of the Rings

53.)  “…love is not a constantly stable factor, it’s a decision you’ll have to make again and again.”  ~Black Panther

54.)  “My love for you is a puzzle…for which I have no answers.” ~Padmé, Star Wars

55.)  “We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields; you can’t have one, without the other.” ~Howard Wolowitz, Big Bang Theory

56.)  “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” ~Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (interesting enough this is also Matthew 6:21)

57.)  “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ~Dr. Seuss

58.)  “Every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.” ~Neil Gaiman, Stardust

59.)  “Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.” ~Albert Einstein

60.)  “No matter what has happened. No matter what you’ve done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. I swear it.” ~ Defiance, C.J. Redwine

61.)  “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ~Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

62.)  “Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” ~Nicholas Sparks

63.)  “Love is the answer to everything. It’s the only reason to do anything. If you don’t write stories you love, you’ll never make it. If you don’t write stories that other people love, you’ll never make it.” ~Ray Bradbury

64.)  Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” ~James Baldwin

65.)  Who, being loved, is poor?” ~Oscar Wilde

66.)  “I love you the way a drowning man loves air. And it would destroy me to have you just a little.” ~The Crown of Embers, Rae Carson

67.)  “Sometimes I can’t see myself when I’m with you. I can only just see you” ~Tiger Lily, Jodi Lynn Anderson

68.)  “I knew the second I met you that there was something about you I needed. Turns out it wasn’t something about you at all. It was just you." ~Beautiful Disaster, Jamie McGuire

69.)  “I want everyone to meet you. You’re my favorite person of all time.” ~Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell

70.)  “If my love were an ocean, there would be no more land. If my love were a desert, you would see only sand. If my love were a star–late at night, only light. And if my love could grow wings, I’d be soaring in flight.” ~Thirteen Reasons Why, Jay Asher

71.)  “There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.” ~The Truth About Forever, Sarah Dessen

72.)  “And I’ve realized that the Beatles got it wrong. Love isn’t all we need—love is all there is.” ~Second Chance Summer, Morgan Matson

73.) “ You are the morning sun, shining on my face, when I am with you my life falls into place, you are the glittering stars, beaming so bright, you cuddle me always, all through the night, you are the wind blowing by, brushing my hair, No matter where you go, I'll always be there “ ~xXVVSOSVVXx

74.)  “ You're always in my heart, From early in the mornin' til it's dark, I gotta see your sweet, sweet smile everyday” ~Sweet Sweet Smile, Carpenters

75.)  “No matter where I went, I always knew my way back to you. You are my compass star.” ~For Darkness Shows the Stars, Diana Peterfreund

76.)  “We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

77.)  “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

78.)  “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” ~Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

79.)  “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ~Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

80.)  “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect—you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.” ~Bob Marley

81.)  “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” ~William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

82.)  “You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.” ~Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

83.)  “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” ~Robert Fulghum, True Love

84.)  “If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.” ~Alfred Tennyson

85.)  “When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.” ~Jess C. Scott, The Intern

86.)  “ But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.” ~John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

87.)  “And now I’m looking at you,and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before – bits of myself to the Lightwoods, to Isabelle and Alec, but it took years to do it – but, Clary, since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me.” ~Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

88.)  “A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever” ~Dave Matthews Band

89.)  “They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.” ~Tom Bodett

90.)  “The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” ~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays

#love #quotes #love quote #famous writers #lists

[lovemesomerafael]

EL AMOR TODO LO PUEDE Chapter 23:  Say Anything

I apologize; I didn’t keep track of who posted this fabulous pic, if it’s you, please let me know so I can give you credit. 

Chapters 1-20  Chapter 21  Chapter 22

As he waited for the elevator, Barba saw Laura Parker enter the apartment building.  This was a new experience; they had not run into one another here since they’d learned they both lived in this building.  Since there was nobody else on the elevator, he held it for her.

A little blinded by the difference between the late afternoon sun and the dim lobby of the building, she didn’t see him holding the elevator until she was close.

“Hey, thanks,” she greeted him, mentally kicking herself for sounding so stupidly cheerful.  

As they rode up toward their floors, she turned to him suddenly and asked, “Would you happen to have a socket wrench?”

“Socket wrench,” he repeated, a little thrown by the question. 

“Ikea cabinet.  I’ve already cried twice.”

Barba laughed, although he didn’t see the connection between a socket wrench and building anything from Ikea.  He was shocked to hear his own voice say, “I have a socket wrench.  I’ll bring it by.”  I’ll do what?  Where had that come from?

“8D.”  

“I remember.”

Half an hour later, Laura heard him knock.  It was disorienting to think that A.D.A. Barba could be standing outside her apartment door but, as she looked through the peephole, there he was, socket set in hand. Despite her nervousness, she tried to appear relaxed and welcoming as she opened the door.  Her smile faltered a little when she saw that he was wearing a soft-looking black T-shirt and black jeans.  He had a noticeable five O’clock shadow that added to the overall sexily casual picture.  He looked so good she was momentarily unable to speak.

“Socket wrench,” he said, holding the metal box out to her.  

“Thanks.”  She took it from him.  “Do you, um… want to come in?”

“And build your cabinet for you?  No, thanks.” Did she actually look disappointed? He realized the idea of disappointing her caused a pang in his heart.  Advertencia.  Peligro.[1]  Again he had the disconcerting experience of hearing his voice saying something his brain had not planned.  “But I’d be willing to watch and kibbutz.”

“You can watch.  No kibbutzing.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Then I can’t promise I won’t make you build the cabinet.”  

Barba smiled crookedly, then said, “We gonna negotiate this in the hallway?”

Laura stepped aside so he could enter.  As he stepped by her, he looked down at her jeans, which had a large hole in the right knee, and a smaller one on the left.  The jeans were old Levi’s, the type made of real, thick denim, and were well broken in. The seams were nearly white, and the holes were obviously from wear, rather than part of the design of the jeans. Something about the way the jeans fit, and the tantalizing glimpse of her legs through the holes was disturbing to Barba.  The strip of skin that kept appearing between the waistband of her jeans and her fitted yellow T-shirt didn’t help.  

“Rabid wolverines?”  He asked, grinning down at the holes in her jeans.

“Funny,” she answered drily.

Her apartment still had boxes here and there, filled with books and other things she didn’t have a place to store yet.  As she’d said, there wasn’t much furniture, just a soft, comfortable-looking blue couch. He was interested in the keyboard and guitar in a corner.  

“You play?”

“About as well as I speak Spanish,” she answered, smirking.  

He rolled his eyes.  So she wasn’t done teasing him about that.

A long, torn cardboard box had been tossed into a corner, and piles of wooden planks sat in the center of the room.  The cabinet hardware was spread haphazardly, but at least each piece was visible.  The only two pieces of the cabinet hooked together so far were obviously incorrectly joined and sitting crookedly on the floor.  Barba looked at Laura with an eyebrow cocked questioningly.  

“What?”  Laura asked, holding up the instruction booklet.  “The instructions are in Swedish!”

Rafael took it from her. “The instructions are pictures.”

“Well, the pictures are in Swedish.”

“Detective.”  Rafael said, using his cross-examination voice. “Did you intentionally invite me down to your apartment on a pretext to get me to build your cabinet for you?”

“No,” she said.

He simply looked at her.

“I didn’t!  I just asked you for a socket wrench.”

“Which, by the way, would be of no use in building this cabinet.”

“Yes, it will.  There’s these little metal things and you have to twist them in.”

“With a wrench.  Which comes with the cabinet.”

“So that’s what the weird-shaped holes are for.  I wondered about that.”

His expressionless stare was both amusing and sexy.  How did he manage that?

“OK, fine, so I suck at Ikea! You found out my shameful secret. Feel free to mock me for the next 3 to 5 years.”

“I intend to,” he smirked.  The pleased, teasing expression in his eyes caused her to catch her breath for the second time in less than five minutes.

When she could speak, her voice was serious.  “Listen. I admit I’m pathetic at this stuff,” she gestured at the floor.  “But if I was going to ask you to help me, I’d have asked you straight up.  I’m not here for games like that.”

He just shrugged. “OK.  Tell you what.  You buy dinner, I’ll help with this masterpiece here.  Deal?”  ¿Por qué de repente no tengo control sobre lo que digo? Podría necesitar un médico.[2]

Laura looked skeptical. “Doesn’t that make me guilty of…”

“No.  I retract the accusation.  You didn’t lure me here to build your cabinet, and now I’m offering to do it for… souvlaki.  Do we have a deal?”

”We have a deal.”  The smile she gave him was worth building several pieces of furniture.   As she pulled menus from a drawer to order dinner, he began to organize the materials for the cabinet.  He looked over at her as she sifted through the handful of menus, again noticing the way her simple jeans and T-shirt accentuated her lithe, athletic frame.

Barba knelt on the floor and began to separate the pieces Laura had put together.  While his back was turned, Laura took the opportunity to appreciate the fit of his jeans.  Who knew Barba even owned jeans?  She found the menu for a nearby Greek restaurant and brought it to the couch where she read it to him and, for the next five minutes, they negotiated dinner. As Laura called in their order, she tried to absorb the fact that Rafael Barba was in her living room building an Ikea cabinet, and he had asked her to have dinner with him.  Hadn’t he?  Did that count as asking her to have dinner with him?  What the hell.  I’m not a kid.  Why am I actually nervous right now?

Once dinner was ordered, she went over to sit next to him on the floor.  “So, how is this gonna work?”

He glanced at her before picking up two pieces of the cabinet and lying them side by side.  “If I need any help, I’ll let you know.”

“So, what?  I just watch you build a cabinet?”

“Don’t take this personally, Detective, but I think that’s best for everyone.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. “So what do I do?”

“Talk to me.  Tell me how an ER nurse in Chicago becomes a cop in New York.  You said it was a long story, and we appear to have some time.   Hand me that round thing over there.”

“Oh, boy.  Well, I, uh…  I’m a recovering alcoholic.  The ‘drive your life off a cliff and keep your foot on the gas’ kind.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

“Bring me that piece over there.  So… go on.”

Barba worked on the cabinet while Laura gave him the short version of her story.  The food arrived just as she was finishing, at which point Laura remembered that she didn’t have a table.  Of all the surprising things about that evening, the best was learning that Rafael Barba, urbane and eternally impeccable attorney, was perfectly happy eating dinner on the floor.

Looking for a topic of conversation as they sorted through the bags and Styrofoam containers, Laura said, “I heard a story about you winning a case by letting a guy choke you with a belt.”

He snorted.  “That was my first SVU case, as a matter of fact.” He told her about the crime, and the trial, and how he had ended up being desperate enough to resort to such a longshot tactic.  Not surprisingly for a man who told stories to juries for a living, he was a particularly entertaining storyteller.

“Where did you hear that story?”  

“A friend of mine.  You’ve actually met him, he works in your office. Peter Stone?”

Friend?

“Yes, I met him.  Didn’t you both just come from Chicago?”

“We did.  Together, as a matter of fact.  We’re old friends.”

Old friends. Barba wanted to ask about a hundred questions, but didn’t know how to do that without appearing… interested.  He was saved by Laura’s curiosity.  

Finishing a bite of lamb, she said, “I feel like that Incel we questioned last week, telling you boring stories about me.  What about you?”

“Tell you boring stories about me?” He grinned.

“I’d rather hear interesting ones, but if that’s the best you can do…”

For the rest of the time they ate dinner, Barba talked about growing up in the Bronx, telling sweet, funny stories about his childhood.  Most of them were charmingly self-deprecating, like the ones about being a Catholic schoolboy menaced by bullies from the public school down the street, and his disastrous first year in Little League.  

For the rest of the evening, they talked about nothing while Barba put the cabinet together, frequently asking Laura to hand him things or hold things.  The odd situation started to feel normal.  Comfortable.  Pleasant. Conversation was easy and lively, with Barba’s quick wit and tendency to purposely provoke her keeping Laura laughing and looking for ways to tease back.  

Were they… flirting with eachother?  Was that what was happening?  Laura was enchanted with him, she knew that.  He was even better looking up close, and somehow the early experience of feeling beneath Barba’s notice made it all the more special that he’d chosen to spend time alone with her.  And she really liked him.  Whether or not he might be interested – and with each passing moment, she hoped more that he might be – she really enjoyed hanging out with him.  

Barba was having very similar thoughts.  In his case, however, the attraction was nowhere near as welcome.  Barba didn’t date.  That was that.  He liked women as much as the next guy, but he liked them from afar.  The price of getting involved, of opening his heart and making himself vulnerable, was just too high.  Besides, he didn’t even know if he could have a relationship anymore.  Maybe he had just lost that ability.  He hoped so.  But then what are you doing in this apartment letting yourself be captivated by this woman?  

Together, they stood up the finished cabinet and wrestled it to its place.  Laura looked a little dazzled.  “You never even looked at the pictures.”

“I didn’t need to.  It’s obvious how this stuff goes together.”

“Not to me.”

“Claro.”[3]

“You’re not gonna go all superior on me now, are you, Harvard?”

“About this?  Yes.”  That smirk again.  There was an eye twinkle now, too.  Laura felt lightheaded which, as a nurse, she understood resulted from all the blood in her body rushing south.  

Barba couldn’t understand how someone who was clearly intelligent and capable could have such a complete inability to conceptualize how build-it-yourself furniture goes together, even with instructions.  He found it fascinating and endearing, like a lot of things about her.  Cállate, Barba.  No esta pasando.[4]

As Laura began to clean up the bits of cardboard and torn little plastic bags from the floor, Barba prepared to leave.  It was actually something of a relief to him.  He needed to be alone, have a drink, and regain his senses.

“I need to get going,” he said, groaning and stretching out the kinks in his muscles from sitting on the floor for three hours.  “Feliz noche,[5] Detective.”

“Hey, thank you. Really.  I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“Neither do I.  From a purely scientific point of view, it would’ve been fascinating to find out.”

She smiled the same small, adorable smile and rolled her eyes the same way she’d done all night when he’d made fun of her.  It was definitely time for him to go.

“’Night.  And thanks again.  I’ll… see you at work, I guess.”  

“Thanks for dinner.  Que tengas buena noche.”[6]

As the door closed between them, both Barba and Laura wore thoughtful expressions and smiles that were a little bit silly.  Both of them had thoroughly enjoyed the evening.  Laura was happily excited about what might happen next.  Rafael wasn’t.

[1] Warning.  Danger.

[2] Why do I suddenly have no control over what I say?  I may need a doctor.

[3] Clearly.

[4] Shut up, Barba.  It’s not happening.

[5] Good night

[6] Have a good night.

#law & order svu #law & order: special victims unit #rafael barba #raul esparza #chicago pd #chicago fire #chicago med #Who knew building Ikea furniture was foreplay

[otdderamin]

Transcript: Fjord's inner fears – TM for CR C2 Ep61

This is the longest Talks Machina transcript I’ve put together (it’s 14 pages), and it’s only half the good stuff: Beau’s answers were also excellent. This is the absolute best of what Talks can be: Travis spilled absolutely everything about the subtext of Fjord and what’s been going on in his mind as he panics. All the things we’ve been speculating about are laid bare. This is the subtext to everything going on in Ep61 and Ep62.

Scenes run:

1. How stressed was Fjord losing his powers?  0:26:34 to 0:13:07

2. Fjord is scared of losing both his friends and connection to Vandran 0:16:56 to 0:20:10

3. Maybe we’ve misjudged Uk’otoa 0:23:29 to 0:24:41

4. Fjord didn’t want to see Wursh, it was an excuse for a crisis walkabout 0:24:41 to 0:26:59

5. Fjords powers are defining who he is 0:33:40 to 0:34:23

6. Everyone needs to pull their weight or they’re out 0:35:16 to 0:38:52

7. Fjord’s fallen in love with this version of himself 0:42:31 to 0:44:42

8. Uk’otoa is a connection to Vandran and now 0:46:55 to 0:48:34

9. Fjord doesn’t care about Avantika 0:52:09 to 0:52:55

10. Home is a big-ass maybe 0:54:30 to 0:58:10

1. How stressed was Fjord losing his powers?

0:10:06 Brian: “Travis, Vega_The_Fool wants to know, ‘On a scale of one to being dumped in a room alone with a blue dragon, how stressful was it for Fjord to wake up and find he’s been depowered? On the same scale, how stressful was it for Travis Willingham to realize Fjord had been depowered?'”

0:10:25 Travis, passionately: “Yeah, look, they’re one in the same, bitches! Okay? It was a ten! A fucking ten! A ten! It was terrible. It was awful. In the moment I was looking at Matt like, ‘What are you…?’ I just- I thought maybe I was just getting, like, I don’t know, nerfed or something, but to conjure nothing… I’m a guy with a sword. I’m a guy with a sword…”

Marisha: “I’m convinced there’s a 20-minute time period after that happened to you that you didn’t hear a word said at the table.”

Brian: “Yeah, you might have to watch that back.”

Travis, shaking his head: “Nope. Nope.”

Marisha: “I could tell just…” she mimics stressfully changing positions.

Brian: “That blankness, yeah.”

Travis: “Uh-huh. I’m pretty sure I was movie breathing, too.”

Marisha: “Yeah.”

Travis: “Like,” he breathes loudly and heavily. “During the endgame Laura tapped me and she was like, ‘Stop fucking breaking so loud.'”

Brian: “Yeah yeah yeah.”

Travis: “Something I do. Big ass no.”

Brian: “I almost broke Ashley’s hand. I was holding her hand and five minutes into the movie I was squeezing it so hard she, like, peeled her fingers off and was like, ‘Can you chill for a sec?’ And I realized it was because she had a Milk Dud stuck in there that I really wanted. Were you going to say, Travis?”

0:11:29 Travis: “I was gonna say, blue dragon was like, ‘Oh god, I might die. thank god people are coming.’ But the… Not having any powers and Travis having a character that has no powers, yeah, not good! It’s no good.”

Brian: “I have been in haunted house situations with you before, I’ve been in scary situations with you before, and I know when you sound terrified. And I was sitting there on my laptop watching the show, and when you ran out in the street and were like, ‘Oh fuck, oh fuck,’ I was like, ‘Oh no, oh no, oh no!’ It’s cool. It’s cool. I like it. I like it when you’re going off a little bit.”

0:12:03 Travis: “It’s okay. I’m sure because, because, thanks to CritRoleStats, it’s only been 35 days since, you know, since the last eye was placed that I have another 35 days before my next warning.”

Brian: “No, you don’t know that’s the case.”

Travis: “Yes. That is exactly what they said.”

Dani: “Really it’s been like 5 days since your last warning.”

Marisha: “It’s like a 90-day default period.”

Travis: “There’s a verbal warning, and then there’s a shot across the bow, okay? That was a shot. That was a physical…”

Dani: “So do you think they’re just going to escalate, or do you think he’s going to go back to verbal warnings?”

Travis: “Look, I’m sure there’s like, there’s gonna be a flier that comes in the mailbox that’ll be like, ‘You have 90 days to reply to this. Your interest is…'”

Brian: “Yes. It’s going to be so gentle.”

Travis: “You’ll be sent to collections if you don’t reply.”

Brian: “It’s going to have a big thing on the front that says,” Uk’otoa voice, “‘Reply.'”

Travis, laughing: “Open it up and it’s just one word.”

Dani, quietly under Travis: “Uk’otoa I feel is actually the IRS.”

Brian: “Say it one more time, Dani.”

Dani: “Uk’otoa is exactly the IRS. Never trust a phone call. They only send letters.”

Travis: “That’s why they sealed him away.”

Brian: “More like the IRIS.”

Marisha, after a pause: “Oh, iris, I get it. With it. Hip.”

Dani: “Oh no.”

Brian: “Okay, because it’s an eye and an eye has a-“

0:13:07

2. Fjord is scared of losing both his friends and connection to Vandran

0:16:56 Brian: “Travis, CalicoJill, ‘Fjord’s fear of losing his powers is palpable, where does that fear lie? Is he worried he couldn’t travel with his friends if he couldn’t hold his own or that he’d lose his last tangible connection to Vandran?'”

Travis: “God, these fans and their fucking good questions.”

Marisha: “I know, man.”

0:17:21Travis: “Yes. Both. I mean, yeah, he is temporarily satiated by the fact that Vandran seemed to be okay in Caduceus’ vision, or that he is well and trying to atone for past mistakes. I’d still really like to see the guy that, you know, treated him decent for the first time in his fucking life. Just say, ‘Hey, what the hell happened? Glad you’re okay. I’m okay if you were wondering?”

Dani, mournfully: “Oh-hoho.”

0:17:52 Travis: “Well yeah, you know. And then two, yeah, y’all- we’re some fucking dragon killing, like, badass 9th level motherfuckers. I’m not if I don’t have my shit! Right? If I just have a sword, I’m a half-orc with a strength of 11. I’m like a +1 with a sharp thing. It sucks! Yeah, nuh-uh.”

Brian: “Do you regret picking your class?”

0:18:21 Travis, animated: “I regret all of it! It’s all regerts all day every day! I just want out! Trade with me! Do it right now, shake on it. Let’s [exercise this demon]. Do it!”

Brian: “I just want out! Trade with me!”

Marisha: “No! I’d rather be a basic bitch than deal with some sort of demon.”

Travis, pleading: “Please. Look, look I could do it, watch!” He double punches the air. “Pap pap!

Dani: “Trade that!?”

Marisha: “No!

Travis, double punching the air again: “See: pap pap! Flurry of blows!”

Marisha: “Yeah, isn’t that great.

Dani: “Did you say, ‘Pap pap?'”

Travis, undercutting the air twice: “Stunning strike! Ba bap!”

Marisha: “You see that has nothing beholden to my fists.”

Travis, quietly stress and defeated: “Shit.”

Brian: “Nah dude.”

0:18:49 Marisha: “I felt really bad because as soon as the cameras went off, and I could see Travis’s like freaking out and I’m like the worst friend ’cause my first response was, ‘This is why I’ve never fucked with warlocks.”

Dani: “Yeah.”

Travis, laughing: “That happened!”

Brian: “Wow. Wow.”

Marisha: “And I was like,” she looks at him. “And he was just like,” she braces herself with both hands on the coffee table and slowly looks back at him in disbelief.

Travis, slapping his leg laughing: “That was what you said! I looked over at Taliesin for some guidance, like, bro, like, I mean, we kicked Orthax out of your body and then killed it. I got no Orthax, I got nothing to kill, I got no nothing.”

Brian: “I have no fire.”

Laughter.

Travis: “Yeah. Hey Korben my man.”

Laughter.

Travis: “Yeah, yeah no it’s panic around here.”

Brian: “I love that that was your reaction. Like, yeah.”

Travis: “Yes, yeah.”

Marisha: “Your choice, eh.” She throws up her hands.

0:19:32 Travis: “He cannot hang. He cannot hang. He would die real quick. If middle of the day, not like after a rest, I don’t know if the wisdom check the night before had anything to do with it. If it’s just like we’re getting ready to ambush some people and all of a sudden, like, my sword just falls out of the air at my feet right as we’re getting ready to go? I’m’a sit my ass right where we are and wish everyone good fortune.”

Dani: “Good fjortune?”

Travis: “Good fjortune? Oh, good- oh fjork you, Dani.”

Dani cackles.

Brian: “Oh boy. Oh boy.”

Travis: “Need my powers, man.”

0:20:10

3. Maybe we’ve misjudged Uk’otoa

0:23:29 Travis: “Listen, maybe we’re being too judgmental of poor, misunderstood Uk’otoa, right?”

Brian: “Okay, that line of thinking is bound to get you in a world of shit.”

Travis: “Maybe we just go, and we drop that third sphere, we let the little, the little snake guy out of his cage he just…” He makes a slithering motion.

Brian: “No. You’ve seen Prometheus.”

Travis: “No. Nobody saw that.”

Dani: “I was about to say, I was like, ‘Did you?'”

Brian: “Steve, you saw Prometheus?”

Steve: “Yeah, yeah.”

Brian: “You yeah, yeah?”

Marisha: “If you, like, suck another eyeball inside of you, and we kill him, though, do you get to keep his powers?”

0:24:01 Travis, stress laughing: “I don’t know! I didn’t read the contract! There wasn’t one!”

Dani: “I have a question.”

Travis: “Yeah?”

Dani: “Was there a contract? Or did you just wake up and you suddenly fucking had powers.”

Brian: “I think there was some nasty shit in this.”

0:24:13 Travis: “It was the latter as far as I know.”

Brian: “You woke up?”

Dani: “So you just don’t- so you also- so it’s like what y’all were talking about with those memory loss- memory-“

0:24:22 Travis: “Yeah, I was drowning. and it hurt like a motherfucker, and the next thing I knew I was awake on a shore and there’s a sword just washing up in the waves.”

Brian: “Should have had gills, man. Should have had gills like that Sea Quest character. You would be fine. This one’s for Travis.”

Marisha and Travis, laughing: “Sea Quest?”

Brian: “Here comes Lockey to remind us.”

4. Fjord didn’t want to see Wursh, it was an excuse for a crisis walkabout

0:24:41 Brian: Micawindow, Fjord seemed anxious to leave the herbalist’s and talk to Wursh. If he hadn’t learned his powers returned when he created a minor illusion, would the conversation with Wursh have gone differently?”

0:24:59 Travis: “Uh yeah. I only went to talk to Wursh ’cause fucking Yasha wouldn’t leave me alone.”

Brian: “It’s true. Yeah.”

Travis: “I was trying to fucking-

Marisha: “Wait, what, really?”

0:25:09 Travis: “Yeah! I don’t give a fuck about Wursh! I was trying to amscray!”

Brian: “You forgot about Wursh. Forgot about Wursh.”

0:25:14 Travis: “No, I was gonna ask- Yasha was like, ‘I’m gonna follow Fjord.’ And I’m like, ‘Fuck!’ ‘I’m going to talk to Wursh right now. That is my only intention.'”

Marisha, laughing: “You were trying to have a crisis walkabout and…”

0:25:28 Travis: “Yeah! That’s why I was getting so impatient! Shit is going down, alright!? The clock is ticking! I don’t need to share it with you guys! I can resolve it, but I need to do it on my own time, my own terms!”

Dani: “Ooo. That is not a healthy way of thinking, Fjord.”

Travis: “Did you, are you saying that to Fjord, right? Travis is a very responsible person and a good friend.”

Marisha: “I was about to…”

Brian: “What?”

Marisha: “Nothing”

[They gently browbeat Marisha into talking.]

Marisha: “Just didn’t know if we were talking to Travis of Fjord.”

Brian: “I know, he’s got more accents than Liam’s character has names.”

0:26:26 Travis: “Well, and listen, half of it was I was asking about what was in the town because as we walk through, we’ve just kind of been moving to one place and the other, not really taking inventory of what’s around. I don’t know if there were temples or other things that maybe I could pop in and go like, ‘Hey, do you guys know anything about a giant snake dude called Uk’otoa?'”

Marisha: “Can I get a B12 shot?”

Travis, laughing: “Yeah, seriously!”

Marisha: “Just real quick.”

Brian: “Is this the tent where they’re doing the B12?”

Travis: “Do you ever reckon that wellness shot? Can we get some…”

Marisha: “Universal healthcare, right?”

Travis: “Yep.”

0:26:59

5. Fjords powers are defining who he is

0:33:40 Travis: “I mean, okay, I can say that Fjord’s not an open- like, just a straight-up open book. He’s… yeah. All these powers, when he has them, are defining who he is, right. It was really not anything close to that before. So yeah, he keeps it super close to the chest. Plus, people look to him in a… looked to him in a leadership role for a while. That’s new to him, too. So, he thinks that, probably from his experiences with Vandran, that, like, stoic, quiet, calm leaders that don’t show, you know, that don’t blush in the face of adversity are how it’s supposed to be. Not knowing that you can do it however the fuck you want to. there’s no right way to lead.”

0:34:23

6. Everyone needs to pull their weight or they’re out

0:35:16 Brian: “Travis, Dikemon asks, I’m going to skip some of this, ‘How much of his abilities does Fjord tie into his identity? Is he scares that the Nein might think less of him if he becomes powerless?'”

[Full question: Travis: We’ve seen Fjord grow more confident as his powers grew. 61 episodes in and those powers are threatened to be taken away. ‘How much of his abilities does Fjord tie into his identity? Is he scares that the Nein might think less of him if he becomes powerless?]

0:35:26 Travis: “The guy shouts ‘Eldritch Blast’ when he doesn’t have to. Yeah, it’s, uh, yes. I see the bottom half of the question. Yeah, they’ll think less of him. Who wouldn’t, right? Everybody needs to be able to- No, Dani, they would! You’ve gotta pull your own weight in this group. If you are the weak link, they’re gonna hold auditions for The Mighty Eight.”

Brian: “The Might Eight?”

Travis: “Yeah. That’s what’s happening.”

Marisha, looking confused and concerned: “No, we wouldn’t, though. You know that.”

Travis: “No. Nope.”

Marisha: “You know that, but Fjord doesn’t know that.”

Brian: “I don’t know. No, Fjord doesn’t know that.”

Travis: “Don’t know. Caleb is… I mean, listen, I think Caleb evaluates all the group members, and because they can each contribute something to keeping each other safe, then it’s a zero-sum game that everybody can, you know, they can take care of each other. If one person is going, ‘I’ve got a sword over here if any of you need it,’ like a fucking ball boy,” he slightly shakes his head.

Marisha: “Well, look, you could have been our Caddy Shack for a few episodes, and we would have gone and got your powers back. We just quest for powers.”

0:36:37 Travis: “How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you think you do that?”

Marisha: “We…”

Travis: “Where is Uk’otoa to you?”

Marisha: “We toss you in some salt water.”

Travis: “Uh-huh.” His body language says, “I don’t know.”

Marisha: “Let you get a little…”

Travis: “Briny?”

Marisha: “Uh-huh.”

Travis: “Uh-huh.”

Marisha: “See what happens, go from there.”

Travis: “How long do we wait while I’m in the ocean before you realize it’s not doing shit?”

Marisha: “Mm, you know…”

Travis: “A fortnight?”

Marisha: “Not beyond the threshold of a Revivify.”

Laughter.

Travis: “Oh god!”

Brian: “Oh wow.”

Travis: “You’re trying to reset the hard drive? Like, you’re just going to- okay. Okay cool.”

Brian: “You’re thinking just like… You’re thinking reformat disk. Reformat disk.”

Dani: “Turn him off and tuning him back on!”

Travis: “Yeah, you’re turning the computer off and holding the power button down factory settings.”

Marisha: “Fuck you guys. He’s blue screened.”

Brian: “Disk utility. Yikes.”

Dani: “Aw, think how much Beau loves Fjord that she would be willing to factory reset him.”

Travis: “Wow.”

Dani: “Aw, I think it’s sweet.”

Travis: “Wow, that is some…”

Dani: “We’re just going to throw you in the water, buddy.”

Brian: “I can’t wait.”

Marisha: “Look, this was a 60-second plan. This has had no R&D. Okay? I’m not saying we go with our first draft. We think about it. I was just tossing it out.”

Brian: “Campaign 2: now with more Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind.”

0:37:51 Travis: “Yeah. this is what I was doing in the game in the moments where my head was exploding. Like, none of us in the group have any idea how to approach or solve that problem. Nobody.”

Brian: “Yeah. Nobody.”

Marisha: “I mean, we’re going to have to figure it out though.”

Dani: “Only if he tells y’all! Fjord.”

Travis: “I’ll take care of it. It’ll be fine. I’ll take care of it.”

Marisha: “You know when your- you know when your check engine light goes on?”

Brian: “Ew. I don’t think that one bit.”

Dani: “That’s weird.”

Marisha: “Start counting down the days. My check engine light has been on for nine days, you guy.”

Travis: “Yeah, I’ll get it, it’s fine. And then you take it into the shop they’re like, ‘How long’s this been on?”

Marisha: “Uh… a few days.”

Travis: “November?”

Marisha: “Pop the hood, I don’t smell burning, we’re good. We’re good.”

Travis: “Right.”

Dani: “The freakiest days are the ones where the check engine light turns off. And then you’re like, ‘Eh, that’s weird. That’s worse.'”

Marisha: “Yeah. Those are the days I say someone’s looking out for you.”

Brian: “It gave up. The check engine light gives up, that car’s going to explode.”

Travis: “Yep.”

Brian: “Speaking from experience.”

0:38:52

7. Fjord’s fallen in love with this version of himself

0:42:31 Brian: “The only person that could save us now is Skidrule316. ‘Travis, what is Fjord’s apprehension about telling his friends about his dreams and the consequences of ignoring his patron?'”

0:42:46 Travis: “I mean… I think Fjord has fallen in love a little bit with the idea of who this new version of himself is. And being vulnerable and telling people what your biggest fear is and admitting all the ways that you suck, in addition to all the new reasons that you reallysuck, it’s like one step too far. Plus, I mean, he gave it a day, right? He didn’t just up and fucking run out in the middle of the night, although I was on the razor’s edge of just tearing off into the darkness. I don’t know. I didn’t know what the fuck was going to happen. So, conjuring that bird was a real good sign. But he’s motivated to fix it. What was the back half of that question, the back part?”

Brian: “It was about, ‘Fjord’s apprehension about telling his friends about his dreams and the consequences of ignoring his patron.’

Travis: “Oh, the patron, yeah. I mean, that I have no- I don’t have any idea about. I was looking for a temple. I don’t know if anyone would have any idea of what Uk’otoa is, or if they know how to break whatever agreement this thing is, if it is an agreement. I don’t even remember it happening, so I don’t know if he is…”

Brian: “What happens if the agreement is broken though, dude?”

Travis: “I don’t know. I mean…”

Brian: “We don’t know that that’s good.”

Travis: “No, we don’t.”

Brian: “But we don’t know that you’re good, but now I’m thinking you might turn good because this one’s evil.”

Travis: “No, yeah. I mean, from the day that happened until now, everything has been different and awesome because I can shoot shit out of my hands, and jump between planes, and change the way I look, and all of that. If you told me I’m just going back to being who I was before…”

Marisha: “Normal?”

Travis: “Yeah. That’s not awesome. It’s not great.”

Marisha: “Yeah. Yeah, that would suck.”

Travis: “Yeah. He still has work to do, too.”

Brian: “Normal sucks. Right, Max?”

Max: “Yep.”

Laughter

0:44:42

8. Uk’otoa is a connection to Vandran and now

0:46:55 Brian: “Let’s see, Travis, let’s see if you- let’s see what you can answer of this question from GracelessKnight. ‘Fjord’s accent dropped during his nervous breakdown outside. Is there a significant attachment of his accent with his pact with Uk’otoa? Is it heightened knowing that Vandran was also a chosen? If so, how’s he coping with those connection momentarily lost?'”

Travis: “I don’t know anything about an accent drop.”

Dani: “I fucking knew that’s what you were gonna fucking say! Goddamn it!”

Brian: “I told you. I told you he was gonna say it. I told you, but we decided to leave this question in anyway.”

0:47:30 Travis: “Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely heightened with Vandran also being a chosen. I mean, we think. We think, right? I mean, from everything that Avantika said about Vandran, it sounded like he brought her into it. I don’t know if he was a chosen or if he was brought into it the same way he brought her in; I don’t know. But yeah, that’s a huge connection to his past life and now. I mean how the hell is he even supposed to address finding him if he doesn’t have the abilities or the thing that is the link to the last moment that he saw him in? I mean, we’re on the other side of the fucking map. We’re not even on the map, anymore.”

Dani: “That’s true.”

Travis: “We are upper north east adjacent. We are out of bounds. For the moment.”

Brian: “Yeah, out of bounds. Return to gameplay please.”

Travis: “Yeah, he is far from home, yeah.”

Brian: “Return to the combat zone, please.”

Marisha: “Yeah. Sixty seconds.”

Dani: “Aw, just like Spider-Man. He’s far from home.”

Travis: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Brian: “Oh, Dani, oh…”

Travis: “Spoilers.”

Dani: “That’s the name of the movie!”

Travis: “I’m not sure.”

Brian: “Yeah, but some of us…”

0:48:34

9. Fjord doesn’t care about Avantika

0:52:09 Brian: “Yettinim wants to know, ‘How does Fjord feel about Beau wearing one of Avantika’s coats?'”

Travis, singing: ♪ Get it girl. Get it get it girl. Get it girl. Get it get it girl. ♪

Marisha, dancing: “I’m fly.”

Travis: “I mean, sorry. He doesn’t care. Nah.”

Brian: “Doesn’t care.”

Travis, shrugging: “Nah.”

Dani: “Hit it and quit it, man.”

Brain: ‘Yeah, it wasn’t the coat.”

Marisha: “It’s mine now, bitch!”

Travis: “Keep your enemies close.”

Brian: “Yeah.”

Marisha: “It looks good, too.”

Brian: “It wasn’t the coat he had a wonderful evening with.”

Travis: “That’s right, yeah.”

Dani: “I mean it might have been. What?”

Marisha: “It’s fur lined now, fits real nice, shows off my figure.”

0:52:45 Travis: “Yeah, both Fjord and Travis don’t put a lot of stock in new clothes.”

Brian: “Yeah, we can tell there.”

Dani: “He’s probably like, ‘Oh, is that Avantika’s coat?'”

Travis: “I bought this in 2004, so…”

Brian: “You did?

Travis: “Yeah.”

Brian: “Yeah yeah yeah.”

0:52:55

10. Home is a big-ass maybe

0:54:30 Brian: “Lalalyssh wants to know, ‘Fjord grew up an orphan and Beau was ostracized from her family. How do these characters feel now that they have been offered a home to share with their found family?’ So, you guys have this home now. You know, it’s not a house, as you said earlier. You corrected me.”

Travis: “A dwelling? A homestead?”

Brian: “You have a dwelling.”

0:54:49 Travis: “I don’t know. I- He- I feel… I feel good about it. As long as things stay the way they are he’s pretty comfortable with this new life and family. But shit changes sometimes.” He stares at Marisha helplessly.

Marisha, growing more concerned: “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah?”

Travis: “Not in a bad way, I mean, I’m just speaking in a reference to my warlock abilities.”

Brian: “Yeah.”

Brian: “How does Beau feel- Wait, you seem so suspicious all the sudden.”

Marisha: “Uhh…” She nudges her head at Travis.

0:55:24 Brian: “A lot’s going on up there, isn’t it?”

[…]

0:57:08 Travis: “Yeah. I mean, genuinely Fjord is all about moving in solidifying things, embracing this new life. There is a big-ass maybe just floating out there though, now. Like, all of a sudden one morning nothing was like it was the night before, so I don’t know what that means.”

Marisha: “Well, and it feels like you also had your found family before with Vandran.”

0:57:31 Travis: “Yeah, and that shit ripped away.”

Marisha: “And that shit got ripped away.”

0:57:34 Travis: “Yeah, totally. This is the third version of himself.”

Marisha: “So, right. I can understand that through line of, well, you have this by blood, and theoretically they’re not supposed to be able to be like ‘nah’ to you. Theoretically.”

Dani: “Theoretically.”

Brian: “Theoretically. Yeah.”

Marisha: “I don’t know.”

Travis, wincing: “Yeah. Yeah. Oh god.”

Dani: “There’s just so much good character work.”

Travis: “I’m sure Mercer will take it away. It’ll be fine.”

Brian: “There’s a lot of deep character work going on. I like it. I want more.”

Travis: “I’ll be fine.”

Dani: “It’s all so tasty. Omnomnom.”

0:58:10

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#critical role #talks machina #critical role meta #Fjord #critical role transcript #talks machina transcript #transcript #CRT-TM

[sn0wblinded]

questions 1-98 ( go big or go home ;) )

ya killin me hollis );

1. Unfortunately, I am 5′1, pros to anybody who wants a nugget for a gf or friend

2.  Body type? uh I suppose slim and slender with an hourglass shape

3. Favorite part of my body would have to be...erh...uh...my eyes? I love the shape of them just wish I had blue or green eyes :(

4. HAH my hair color now is NOT my natural hair color loll I have naturally crazy dark brown hair where it’s almost black but I love blonde in the summer so catch me in the fall for my dark roots ;D

5. Um I’d say it depends where I am and who I’m with as to whether I’ll be shy or outgoing, typically I’m shy until I feel comfortable enough to be myself, or unless someone gets enough drinks in me hahah

6. Uh I’d say I’m probs more on the femme side, like I luvvv getting dressed up and looking super pretty if I’m not sitting on my ass being lazy af. 

7. Super duper smol bean

8. Hands down I’d be a wine mom

9. Hmmph weird habit? Uh I’ll mouth whatever someone is saying as they are talking, even sometimes before they say the next word and I don’t even know I’m doing it. I catch myself doing this watching shows or movies and I hateeee it. “How do you know what I’m saying??” is the usual response *rolls eyes* 

10. OOOHHH my fav meme would have to be the one with the baby orangutang and her crazy hair bc she’s a hot mess and I’m a hot mess ._.

11. who doesn’t sing in the shower???? the acoustics man, i’ll give my SO a full-blown concert w/ an encore. will it sound good tho?? who knows

12. um I’d love to go full Merida and learn how to use a bow and arrow tbh

13. I was never a theatre kid :( I wanted to be in HS 

14. I’ve never seen a broadway musical but def something on my bucketlist

15. Musicals are kinda cheesy but that’s what I love about them

16. I’ve never been a part of a protest or march, but will def be in the future when given the chance

17. My fav Cards Against Humanity Card would probs be “What is Batman’s guilty pleasure?” love having a good giggle at the responses

18. The last movie I watched...that I can think of was Final Destination 2 and was reminded why I can be paranoid af about some stuff LOL

19. Uhh preferably not behind or infront of the camera, not photogenic and my hands aren’t steady enough to take decent photos BUT I’d love to do photography if I had any skill in it

20. If you know me, like come on, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. 

21. just listen to Snowblinded by Kill Hannah nuff said

22. Uhh I joined tumblr back in 2011 my freshman year of HS bc I wanted to release my teenage angst, and then I left after a few years and came back this year:) Luckily my OG url was still available

23. Um you know 

24. Most people love chocolate and I hate it loll Fight me pls ;P

25. Narcotics? Nope sowwe

26. HAH expose me much?? hahah Def not a virgin lemme say that ^-^

27. Um my neighbors little brother caught her and I kissing underneath her sheets when I was a super duper smol bean, technically wasn’t bad but we couldn’t do it anymore:/

28. Oof idk what the funniest lie is that I told... omg 

29. Hmm... expression through words...take a guess what that passion is 

30. My best friend is one the most supportive and loving people I’ve ever met and I love her to death

31. Um lemme keep my secrets ;)

32. I’m super tired but also feeling really motivated so it’s kinda conflicting but oh well das my life

33. My biggest fear is probably ending up alone (amongst a few others)

34. I Like Me Better by Lauv

35. The best decision I’ve made in life thus far was deciding that I’m going to start love being myself regardless of societal expectations and internalizing everything because of the fear of others judgements etc. This is my life and I plan on living it up the best way possible.

36. Um who hasn’t? Failure always leads you one step closer to success

37. I fantasize about finding someone whose soul fits perfectly w/ mine

38. I cried the other night but happy tears bc I no longer have to hide who I am

39. A meme I was sent in a group chat

40. Mm...maybe..my lips are sealed 

41. A few of my closest friends

42. Uh every single day at the end of my last relationship

43. I’ve started to realize who my true friends are, and people’s true intentions

44. Submissive AF, but a lil control here and there isn’t bad

45. I’ll only date you if you’re okay w/ eating lots of pasta and long jam sesh’s

46. Preferably someone my age or a little bit older, but if I click with someone a year or two younger than me then whatevs :)

47. um I’d describe my crush but it’d be a dead giveaway LOL

48. any kinks? oh sweetie.. I’m not as innocent as this halo may make me appear ;P

49. First thing I notice in someone, physically would be their eyes, personality-wise would be their sense of humor.

50. Best way to win my heart is to bond over music

51. Uhh wow like allll the time LOL

52. Once again, like alllll the fucking time *rolls eyes*

53. Oh I plead the fifth on this one 

54. Trust is a big thing for me, but I usually know right off the bat now if I can trust somebody or not

55. Um no bc anybody I like lives miles and miles away >_>

56. Confidence is hot, not cute, hot. Make me swoon. 

57. My heart would probs ache 

58. If you can’t make me laugh we won’t even be close to dating loll

59. Uh no and I’m sure they will never have a clue bc I’m shy af about my feelings 

60. ...too many storytimes there

61. Hopefully one day I marry the love of my life

62. Pleading the fifth bc I’m stuck between a couple 

63. Turn ons: Whisper in my ear, light touches, and cute messages (keeping things on the cleaner side (; )

64. Hate is a strong word, so Trump 

65. Babygirl melts my heart but so does sweetheart and princess

66. Charlies Angels hands down...

67. Oof... intimidating in a sexy and intriguing way? Hell yes, but I love a kind soul

68. Somebody who truly loves me for me and is always up for adventure, and has an impeccable taste in music.

69. I tend to like whoever I like :P

70. HAH good one

71. The first person I came out to was my sister, a few years ago, and it went alright I guess until we had a heated argument and yeah...but I came out to her again recently and it’s helped us grow closer together.

72. I have a quite a few friend who are and luvvv them all

73. um....ya

74. Oof...I honestly can’t remember

75. Maybe later, this is already wayyyy too long.

76. I used to but I’d say it takes a lot more for me to fall IN love

77. Yeah so let’s not talk about it :3

78. Good at hiding my feelings? Uhhhhhh

79. Forgiving? I’ll forgive but I never forget who has hurt me.

80. Uh...I have quite a few, want the whole list? LOL

81. Whichever one would comfort both of us in the moment

82. I like a girl that’s taller, even if it’s just by a little bit. Honestly it doesn’t take much with how smol I am :[

83. Um can I have both? Hugs and kisses pls k thx

84. Be twirled :3

85. Um both mmmff

86. I love forehead kisses, but if you wanna make me melt into a puddle neck kisses are the way to go.

87. I’d do either or, kinda hard for me to choose which one more.

88. Depends on my mood, love me some soft kisses but bet your ass I’m always down to makeout

89. If I’m feeling the need to be cute hug around the neck, if I’m being a lil more touchy then hugs around the waist

90. I used to contemplate my sexuality constantly because of growing up in a religious family and internalizing everything, but without a doubt I’m 100% confident in my sexuality. This is me, take it or leave it baby ;)

91. Uh I blush and get a massive load of butterflies, feeling like I’m on cloud nine etc. I’ve liked people and just felt comfortable and never had butterflies and such but FUCK do I love feeling giddy and happy all over from just the mere thought of them. 

92. Yes, typically that’s how it starts out with me and it ends in either of two ways, mutual or I embarass tf outta myself 

93. I had my first kiss with a girl when I was 7, and man did I never want to stop. But, I knew for certain that I really liked girls when I was in sixth grade and wanted to watch any and everything that contained wlw content, hoping and wishing to have that one day.

94. Be myself? LOL

95. Ohmygosh... favorite lesbian ship... Laura/Carmilla, Alice/Robin (OUAT), Yorkie/Kelly (San Junipero)...these are only a few of a long list

96. The most aggravating thing that’s personally been said to me about my sexuality would be between being told this is all temptation and comparing it to acts of disgusting scum of human beings(pedos and adulterers), and also being told it’s only a phase... I can’t roll my eyes hard enough

97. Um like probably a few minutes ago :3

98. Love is being completely comfortable in being who you are around someone, and loving the good and bad parts of each other. 

If anyone actually reads up until this point I just gotta say...I’m sorry LOL 

and you’re a trooper

#asks #i wanna go to sleep now #yastillkillinmehollis

[thinkingback-movingforward]

2017

Sunday. May 21, 2017.

I'm here again. I'm finally here, it took a while, but I'm back. I've felt alright a few times, but this time it's different. I honestly feel good vibes emitting from my personal aura. There's no exact reason for it either. I can't pinpoint a moment within the past two days that changed my mood around drastically, but I'm not complaining. I want to stay like this, if not forever, at least for a little while longer.

Monday. May 29, 2017.

*news update

This past week I reconnected with Jean Urbano. It's honestly been a great week. The best week of the year, by far.  Fun. Laughs. Drinks. Bikes. Sweet. Drunk. Bittersweet. These are the words that come to my mind right now; also, "strictly platonic".

I keep thinking to myself, what if? What if I wasn't being weird and stupid and we became close before? We're literally neighbors, like 4 houses down. I probably would've seen her every day or every other day. I regret that. Maybe we could've been something. Maybe not. Maybe she would've pushed me to be someone great. Maybe not. Maybe she would've ended up being the one. Maybe not.

But she is a catch. If you have someone like her, keep her.

I've always had a crush on her. I've always liked how she dressed. Her laugh is cute. She fucking bikes, like come on fam. She's still the same as before. Just better, obviously.

At least we're friends again.

Thursday. June 1, 2017.

You're the only reason I'm regretting this move. You're the only reason I want to stay on this block, three houses away. I've had all these years, but only realized how good I could've had it, now that's it's too late.

Friday. June 2, 2017.

I'm trying to find solace in romantic films, but I think it's having the opposite effect.

*update*

After hearing Jean's amazing surprise story, I'm starting to feel a bit better. She is an amazing woman, and an amazing girlfriend and Jose is lucky to have her. They are both lucky to have and, they definitely, deserve each other.

Wednesday. June 7, 2017.

Technically, it's the next day as I'm writing this.

She came over, exhausted from the night before she rested after we talked a little bit. We were supposed to do work.

She said she could feel herself starting to get sick. Her throat hurt and her body ached. All I wanted to do was take care of her. I wanted to cuddle with her and rest with her, but I can't.

I made her some tea, got her water, and put on music. I thought listening to her favorite band would make her feel better. And as much as I tried to, I couldn't sleep.

As we lay, at one point she woke up. We started talking again. About life and us and little jokes here and there. When I'm with her, I have all this energy. I have to be completely exhausted to fall asleep with her there.

I tried my hardest all night. I didn't touch her. I didn't comfort her. I stayed my distance. She would turn to her side, head rested on her arm and look at me as I did the same. I can't help but smile when I look at her. That image, what I would do to wake up to that very same image of her every morning. If she could be the first and last thing I see every day and night, I would be the happiest guy in the world.

If I could ever have her, I would never let her go.

At the very last half hour before she left, it happened. Nothin wild or sexual, she moved closer to me and as our elbows overlapped, we got closer and I spooned her. I was trying to contain myself all night, but I'm glad I got to embrace her again.

I finally got to feel the warmth of her body again. I got to feel our fingers, intertwining and mingling. I could feel my heart race, just by being closer to her. I wonder if she could feel my breath on her neck, or how nervous and excited she makes me feel. I wanted to kiss her so badly. I don't even think she knows I didn't particularly mean on the lips either. That whole night, I was thinking when would be a good time to kiss her forehead, but I never got to do it.

I wonder if this is real. Is this love?

I've only ever felt like this one other time.

Then why do I feel like I don't fit in to her story.

I want to say, I love her. But how can I even say that? I wonder if she feels the same way... how can I love someone when we just reconnected two weeks ago. Why is this so natural. Why do I feel so at ease around her. Why is she so fucking awesome. Why am I not?

It's hard for me to feel confident when she is an adult, has a degree, and a career? I don't even have my license... I haven't graduated... and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I feel I need to up my game a lot, even though I know deep down she doesn't care about all that, and she does care about me. Obviously she would want what's best for me but you know what I mean.

She never judged me.. how did I lose such an important person? I'm glad she's back. I'm glad she's back in my life, regardless of how bittersweet she makes me feel at times. I like grabbing food, and drinking, and playing games, and staying up late with her. I like her presence. I like her petite body, and thin hair. I like that she bikes and can keep up, or even be way ahead of me. I like how adventurous she is, although she is sometimes reckless. I like her awkward turtle posture, and her cat smile; which is funny because she has turtles and cats as pets. I like her banged up legs, she works hard and goes hard. I like that she's so charming, as you can see from all the people around her. I like her.

I love her.

Thursday. June 8, 2017.

How did she quickly become one of my favorite people? 10 years later, how everything has changed, yet nothing changed between us.

Saturday. June 10, 2017.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate that I love you.

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

is what I want to say,

But I love you. Fuck me. I actually do love you.

Friday. June 16, 2017.

She dropped me home after a long day and had a great dinner. We were so full. I want to throw up.

But, she dropped me home and we stayed in the car a little bit. I stared at her as she stared at me. It sucks. I felt like she wanted to kiss me. I felt like she actually wanted me to kiss her, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I would've loved to kiss her. I wanted to brush her hair back and grab her head and kiss her. I wish she was mine, but at the same time I don't feel she belongs with me. Maybe it's my lack of self confidence. I feel like I'm not good enough for her. I wonder what she even sees in me, if she sees anything at all.

Regardless of everything, I love her, and I want her to be happy.

Saturday. June 17, 2017.

I'm not mentally strong. At all.

Why am I sitting in my closet, surrounded by darkness and faint music, tearing up at thoughts and feelings that I chose myself.

I'm hurting myself, actually. I can't blame her for anything.

I'm crying and I can't really pinpoint the exact reasons why.

"No matter what lies you tell yourself, you can't fool your own heart."

Sunday. June 18, 2017.

I guess, who I want is, someone that can make me be goofy and carefree and not care about what everyone else is thinking of me, as I laugh with her and we're caught between each other's gazes, living in the moment.

*update

I invited Jean over to a family friend barbecue. I'm not really sure what I was thinking haha. Obviously the only reason you invite someone else over of the opposite sex is if you're seeing them and that's not what is happening here. I see her, a lot actually, but I'm not dating her. I would love to though. I maybe even love her. I just know I can't deny how I feel when I look at her. I feel bittersweet, parts of happiness and parts of sadness.

Monday. June 19, 2017.

It suddenly started pouring and thundering. All I'm picturing is us running through the rain, laughing and having fun; then showering together, and then getting all cozy on the couch wrapped up in a big comforter.

You. I wish I could do that with you. I wish you would have these thoughts of doing cute shit with me also, but...

I'm starting to reach that point where it does bother me when she mentions his name and shit, but that's her boyfriend so.

Tuesday. June 20, 2017.

It's technically Tuesday, it's 12:37 AM.

I wish you would call me, and even if we run out of things to say, you would lay there in the silence as we fall asleep.

Jose is lucky, or maybe I'm unlucky, or maybe this is God's plan. Maybe he thinks she can impact me in a non significant other type way, or maybe he is cynical and wanted to show me what I missed out on.

I hate you because I love you.

Thursday. June 22, 2017.

I didn't get to write about it, but Tuesday was an awesome night. I think it was greatly contrasted by my terrible day, leading to a more awesome night.

My friend, Juan, invited me to be part of ENI's entourage. ENI is an upcoming star! Her single Kissing in the Dark Is already so popular, but I digress.

By going to the event, I met a lot of cool people, such as Laura, Arthur, Pat, and ENI herself. I think it's cool what creatives do and how they're all so different, but all hustle to do something more with their lives. I want to be like them. I want to be part of the creative world. All I need to do is act upon what I want to do.

Tuesday. July 18, 2017.

It's been a while. I guess things are okay. I still love her. My feelings are there. Every time I see her. Every single small conversation we have, even the meaningless ones aren't meaningless at all.

I guess I'm more understanding and I just don't want to be hung up on someone that I can't end up with. But I love her, and I love that she is back in my life. She's a great person, and an amazing friend.

Thursday. July 27, 2017.

Jean. Why are you at my house?

Why did you call me and drive to me just because Jose was already asleep? Why didn't you just go home? Why did you sleep here? Maybe because to 'get some work done' which you didn't do since you were drunk from Angelo's birthday dinner.

I just want to know why.

Why am I not trying to lay down in bed with you right now? Why am I forcing myself to not kiss you right now? These are questions with answers. I don't have any for my questions. (Well, I'm lying. I know you said if you went home you would not have gotten the papers graded, but to be fair, I wrote this whole thing before we graded the papers)

Do you like me? Do you like our friendship? Do you like taking care of me? Do I love you?

I do. I love you.

Sunday. July 30, 2017.

Party. Biking. Fountain. Ticket.

I love her.

I kind of know she doesn't, and I can't help but think I'm fucking weird.

It hurts.

It's been a while since I laughed and had fun in a fountain, I think two years. Was it worth freezing afterwards and getting a $30 ticket because I didn't realize I was supposed to say no to having my ID? It was worth every second and every cent.

*update

"Everyone has had hard experiences in their life. We have to go forward, loving ourselves as a whole, including our weaknesses."

Wednesday. August 9, 2017.

It's been a while since I wrote anything. As of right now I'm currently facetiming with Jean. We do this from time to time, just facetiming whenever she has the time to; either when she's driving or late at night or shopping at Walmart.

I enjoy these times with her. It's hard not to look at her and just want to smile.

Bury these feelings deep down, and love her as a friend.

Thursday. August 10, 2017.

24 inches. 18 inches. 6 inches. Those are the different amounts of distances between both of our lips as we lay on the couch watching the movie.

I so badly wanted to just grab her hand, or grab her face and kiss her. I want to so bad. But...

She just left. Last night was great. It was the first time we rode our new bikes together. I missed biking with her. I miss the feeling. I miss living closer to her.

We saw The Lobster, which was a lot more surprising than I thought. It was definitely an unexpected movie in a good way. I like sharing a couch with her, there's something about having her next to me.

I am lowkey, probably not lowkey for her, trying to win this challenge. I want to go out with her for dinner and drinks, if she lets me redeem that prize.

I wish I could at least have the drumroll. When the mood seemed alright, I would  grab her and look at her and go for it, but slowly, as I approach closer and closer to lips, and right before they touch, we stop.

Friday. August 11, 2017.

It happened. I didn't expect it to be like this or for it to happen like this, but it happened. We need to stop talking.

Jean told Jose I was in love with her, which after reading my previous notes, is fair. I am in love with her.

But now we can't talk. I'm not really sure yet how I feel about it besides that it's shitty, and this sucks and I FUCKING HATE IT.  

I love talking to her, even about miscellaneous things. I like telling her about my day. I like hearing about hers. I like being emotional with her. I love that I'm about 97% always smiling when I'm with her or talking to her. I feel like I'm losing a big part of me, and our silence hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if I'll last. I don't think my feelings for her will ever go away. They will always be there. I wish my feelings weren't an inconvenience, but to be honest, I like that she knows how I feel about her.

I shared my notes about her over the past two and a half months, after some

nagging and persuasion. I don't regret sharing them, although I thought I would at first. I simply watched her as she was reading through my notes. I'm not entirely sure how she feels about all of them. All I saw were tears and that it's all so heartbreaking.

I'm currently facetiming with her, but she fell asleep. Honestly I'm surprised she even lasted this long. She deserves a good night's rest.

She is beautiful. She always looks beautiful. It's not even my skewed vision of how I see her, she is just naturally beautiful.

I know she feels Jose is her grand finale, but then why do I feel like she's mine? Is is wrong to feel that way? If I ever, ever, EVER, had a chance to be hers. I WOULD NEVER FUCKING LET GO.

I feel like this is all just my bullshit selfish brain talking now.

I'm glad she's happy. I'm glad she feels Jose is her 'one' because it's not everyday that people feel that. If you're ever lucky enough to have that feeling, go for it. I want her to be happy and I know she wants me to be happy, which is probably why she blames herself and she feels selfish and sort of an asshole. I don't blame her at all, for anything. These feelings are my feelings and I love her.

But what can you do?

Also, since I shared my notes with her. I kind of want to move them back, but I kind of also want to leave them there, incase she wants to go back and read them anytime, during our silence.

I don't think she knows the power and effect she has on me, not only physical and emotionally, but mentally.

I don't think anyone that I truly care about knows how much they affect me.

I have no energy. I had no real appetite earlier. I had no motivation to go to the gym. I hope it's just today. I don't want to let Jean down, but I also don't want to let myself down. I want to prove that she has made a positive impact. She won't be like everyone else in my life. I knew she this would have to come eventually, not being able to talk all the time, I just need to try my best and not let it affect me too much.

I'm stronger now, and I'd like to think she has affected me within these past few months.

Saturday. August 12, 2017.

I got a photo from Jean. That surprised me, but I was so happy. First of all, I don't have any pictures of her, like at all. Second, she looks so bomb! Oooo that blue velvet (?), I always forget what type of material that is, dress is fire! She got cuuuuurves!

*update

I wake up and get a text from her saying, "I broke my arm."

LIKE, WHAT? YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOTHIN ELSE.

I hope she's okay.. how did she break her arm?! What..

I hope she's okay...

*update, she's fine

*update

I just left Nina's Body and Pole party. It was great, and definitely a different experience.

I don't know why I'm like this, but so can't seem to be normal. I tried, but I felt like I was trying to avoid Jean and Jose. I hate when I can feel and notice what I'm doing. She probably feels the same way, knowing that I was kind of avoiding them.

It's hard. I knew it was hard before, but I guess I didn't reallly see them together, that much, before. But it makes sense, the two don't really know Nina so it's obvious they would stick together.

(Side note: Jose and Jean were killing it out there to be honest!)

I kind of wanted to stay with them and have fun, but I also kind of wanted to leave the group. But here I am now, on a train to Edison.

Monday. August 14, 2017.

I don't feel all there, I feel like I'm mentally regressing again...

I feel like I'm struggling, with something inside me. I just don't know what it is.

P.s. the rug was obviously sold out. I'm stupid.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm here in the middle of the food court in Jersey Gardens, eating this combo that I shouldn't have bought, and I feel like crying.

What is wrong with me..

Tuesday. August 15, 2017.

Yesterday was a great night. I actually had a heart to heart with Alfredo, finally. I also opened up a bit more to Jean, I feel like, emotionally. I feel that she's getting to know me more and more on a personal level from all our interactions, talks, and my notes. I'm not the best at confrontation, but it does feel nice to be bare and vulnerable, especially to someone that truly cares about you.

I cried, a bit much actually. I truly do appreciate my friends who let me cry, because sometimes I just can't hold it. I was always made fun of by my dad about how easily I cried when I was younger, so I try not to. Sometimes I get deep in my thoughts and they just come out.

We went out for drinks, and it was great to hang out with our trio again. I did miss Alfredo. We also met some cool people throughout the night. The rain killed our bike adventure, but I don't know if Jean would've lasted to be honest. (lol)

But she dropped me home, and I always like it when she stays over. I love when we're gazing at each other. I never know what she's thinking as she does, but I enjoy the moment.

I also got to hold her hand while we layed, not together obviously, I'm on the ground, but that got me happy as fuck.

Any physical touch we share, I appreciate. Whether it's a light hit when I mention her white frames or olympics, to her light caress of my face.

Sometimes I feel she's so close to me, yet so far away.

Wednesday. August 16, 2017.

I'm so impulsive lol.

I just bought a Saturday Afropunk ticket for Jean. This time I get to be with her the whole time! I'm excited.

Saturday. August 19, 2017.

I miss her.

I wonder if she misses me too.

It's only been a few days though.

What qualifies as needy?

I wish she would've just said to come downtown at 12. I would've gotten ready and came downtown so fast. Then she says she was denied permission...

Whatever that means.

I want to see her. I want to be in her presence right now. Not some awkward small talk presence, but our regular good vibes presence.

*update

Why don't I feel good right now?

I feel kind of...

I'm losing energy. I feel weak. I need a recharge.

*update

Who would have thought a nail cutter would make me upset? I guess it's just my low energy and stress right now contributing to the situation.

My dad was cleaning and I thought he put everything in my room, even this nail cutter, but it wasn't the right one. I ask him where's the nail cutter with the giraffe part and he says he didn't see it.

I get upset as I'm looking everywhere for it. Why do I even get upset? I would say it's because it's Jean's. She let me borrow it before, and I just never returned it. I guess, seeing as I don't have her, I like to hold on to anything that's a part of her.

At least I found it.

Am I going crazy?...

Sunday. August 20, 2017.

I'm eating McDonald's... I guess it's fine to back track once in a while. If I had a choice I wouldn't have but it's fine.

I hope she's having a fun time upstate! It sounds like a really fun time.

*update

I still think about her all the time. I wish we could go out into a sunflower field and dance under the sun.

Monday. August 21, 2017.

I don't know how to express into words how I'm feeling.

Wednesday. August 23, 2017.

I biked home in the rain, again. This time was a bit harder than the previous one. I hope I don't get sick again.

The thing is, I don't even mind the rain. I guess it's the fact that I'm still alone under this rainfall. It feels cold, and even colder when I know I'm coming home to nothing.

But one day, she'll be there. Whoever she may be. Making every trip under the rain full of laughter and smiles, and we'll find comfort and warmth in each others' presence.

My dad.. I feel like he has no care for anything that's ours anymore, as long as the house is fucking clean. I'm not missing anything major, but they are things I fucking use. I hate not knowing where my own shit is in my own house.

My parents didn't fuck up or anything, I'm just not mentally strong enough.

But I do promise, to my future children, I will do such a great job, along with your mother. Love will flow throughout our family, along with honesty and forgiveness. I promise to do my very best.

Thursday. August 24, 2017.

She is so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it, or at least doesn't want to  accept it.

I know, whoever I marry, when I see my future wife come out and walk down the aisle. I will cry, without a doubt.

And whoever she ends up with, if not me, then I would like to be invited to her wedding to at least be able to witness her in all her glory. She will be so beautiful, and happy, god she better be happy.

No matter what, I'll love you. I'll always love you.

Friday. August 25, 2017.

I think, I'm starting to get over my feelings; or at least just realizing that I shouldn't have them and it's stupid hurting myself.

I can't rely on her for happiness. I should create happiness within myself. I don't even know who I am.

I'm sorry. Do I regret everything that has happened this summer? Not at all, but I'm sorry.

They look great together.

I don't even want to feel hopeful. I'm not even trying to, but part of me still is. I just want to not be hopeful and forget those feelings and just be okay with them two. I want to be able to hang out with her without it being a problem, on like some gay best friend type shit.

Plus, like I said to myself, I don't FIT IN with her life. I just don't. Things should stay how they are now, except with maybe a bit more talking lol.

Saturday. August 26, 2017.

Afropunk: Saturday was a success! If I do say so myself. I'm hella lit right now, she's knocked out, and definitely full as fuck lol.

My dad loves Jean, (why wouldn't he?!) and I have other relatives over too, what a great situation lmao.

She's amazing. I'm glad she spent the day with me. Even though she couldn't say no anyway.

I'm happy.

Part of me was like, I want her so bad right now. Part of me was like, come on man what are you doing? Part of me was like, ah I'm sorry. Part of me was like, kiss her, KISS HER!

It's been a while though, since I got to sleep next to her, or since I got to embrace her body. I could feel the warmth of her breath, as I inhale her air. I spooned her, and it was great. I miss the feeling of our bodies touching.

I don't even know if I mentioned that we ate $40 in churros at Afropunk, 15 churros each, 30 total. I'm pretty sure we spent a lot of money, but I'm reckless. I don't even think about money when it comes to her.

THANK YOU FOR AN AWESOME TIME ❤️

I'm not ready to give her up. I don't know how that sounds. I'm not ready to give up these feelings for her. I want these feelings to remain as strong as they can be for as long as possible, to be honest. Am I crazy? Yes. Am I stupid? Yes. But that's me.

Sunday. August 27, 2017.

WORTH IT. EVERY SECOND OF THIS WEEKEND WAS WORTH IT. EVERY FAT INCREASING FOOD AND DRINK, THE SORE KNEES AND FEET, MY LOSS OF VOICE, EVERYTHING WAS WORTH. THANK YOU.

Monday. August 28, 2017.

Sometimes, I'm up at night and I don't know what I feel like doing. I don't feel like sleeping, I don't feel like watching YouTube or a movie, and I don't feel like eating, so I waste time doing whatever, and I don't even really know what I'm doing but actually wasting time.

I should just sleep.

I wish I had a recording of her voice. Not of even anything specific, just talking. She should record herself reading a book. Just the audio would be fine too. I would love to listen and fall asleep to her voice every night. It would be awesome if she did some ukulele covers too. Hearing her sing every night, I would sleep great all the time.

I hope when she reads this note, whenever that is, this gives her some ideas. Wink~

Please?

lol

I laugh because I already know your answer

*update

... nevermind

*update

I can't wait to reach that point where I fully understand Jean and I are just friends and Jose let's us hang out and she can come over whenever she pleases, and she'll be my best friend.

If that could ever happen. I wish.

Tuesday. August 29, 2017.

I want to do random or spontaneous things with you.

A DIY succulent date, how awesome does that sound?

But what are the chances, we can't even play tennis together...

I'm sorry that every time there's an event or I want to do something, I want to experience it with you.

Thursday. August 31, 2017.

Note to self

Jean's first day/night in Miami. She said "Craziest thing ever happened I gotta tell you the whole story".

Nevermind, she just told that crazy coincidence of a story. It just seems like she's always lucky. Gods are shining down on her haha.

I haven't slept yet, and it's 6:00 AM.

I highkey wish you were here with me, just staying up, smoking and laughing, while helping me fold my clothes.

*update

God! I'm just trying to see this fire ass two piece picture of Jean. LIKE COME ON GIRL, SEND IT TO ME. You read all my notes and my vulnerable side. I'M TRYING TO SEE THIS SEXY MOTHAFUCKIN' PICTURE OF HER!!!!!

Just send it to me so I can heart eyes emoji all over that motherfucker and drool a little bit.

*quick update

She sent me the photo. For some reason, I thought it'd be more scandalous lol.

I find her extremely attractive. She's like a perfect mix of cool, sexy, and derpy.

Wednesday. September 13, 2017.

I'm sorry. I'm so selfish...

Saturday. September 16, 2017.

Arveen and Thai are going to Surf City tonight for the last night of it's opening.

I only want to go because of the small chance that I may see you after your baseball game, but I have a feeling he'll just give you a ride home or both of you will come down and I won't be able to talk to you.

I ended up going downtown to hang with the boys anyway. It's 12:23 AM and I am currently in an uber. I also have a double shift at work later today. Kill me.

I lowkey highkey hope I run into Jean downtown. That would be the best added bonus of my night.

Thursday. September 28, 2017.

I've actually been meaning to write for a while now. Things like, what I'm stressed about, how I feel physically and mentally, being sick and small anxiety moments, and feeling unfocused and unmotivated.

I'm not going to tell you I loaned Joe $160 so his wife could buy a nice dress and shoes for his sister's wedding on Friday.

I'm not going to tell you that I bike home with him because, timing wise, I missed the train and I had a lot of energy from winning those Vic Mensa tickets.

I'm not going to tell you I biked to our block because I honestly miss it. I miss Alfredo, I miss you, I miss being close by.

I'm not going to tell you that your latest Instagram post was super sweet, and that I feel some type of way.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to try hating you. It's probably for the best. I won't really text you for a while or maybe I'll be bland, and this should help. I lied. I probably will tell you this part, maybe, if it comes up; or I'll play it off and just keep saying "nothing's wrong", or "I'm fine". Which, technically, aren't lies, because I am fine, and nothing is wrong.

I'm happy for you, but I want to be truly happy for you. I want it to reach that point where we can hang out together with no problem or I can hang with you guys and me and Jose are actually friends, as much as you don't want that.

P.S.

I didn't meant to write this much.

Thursday. October 12, 2017.

I should've just stayed on the couch with her downstairs. The whole upstairs got me confused on what to do and I just can't fucking sleep. I mean I shouldn't do anything. Why am I so fucking weird? I don't fucking know.

Sunday. December 3, 2017.

I'm kinda sad

and I want a pizza.

I miss Jean.

I feel like I'm losing her

as a friend, again..

I know I'm not

a priority,

But I wish I was;

even a little.

[starcityhq]

The streets are dark and empty. No one goes outside anymore. Everyone is afraid. NOVA agents prowl the streets at night—people say they abduct innocent citizens for information or leverage. People say they shoot first and ask questions later. The jackboots on the street is a familiar sound for everyone. Helicopters fly overhead with their spotlights, waiting to catch someone. People have been going to prison and disappearing. Everyone is afraid. Mutants and metahumans are being hunted. Heroes and vigilantes are being forced underground. No one is safe.

At last, it’s here! The plot drop we’ve all been waiting for—the announcement of season 2! There are going to be a few new things under the cut so we want to make sure that you guys are aware of some cool stuff we’re introducing!

Under the cut you will find a timeline of major events, starting with events that happened in game over the past two years and going through the two month time-skip. With the two-month time skip, a lot of new IC rules have been put in place and with some of them, there are ways for admins to get characters in trouble for breaking them! Any IC consequences are completely optional and will always be plotted out with the players before anything happens. This is just a fun way for the characters to get more interaction with the world at large in the game!

Thank you all for being so supportive all this time—this wouldn’t have been possible without our amazing members!

Now, without further ado, SEASON 2!

[ APRIL 8, 2017 ] — In honor of the ban’s success, the mayor invited every citizen to attend Star City’s annual masquerade, where there would be burning of vigilante, mutant, and metahuman memorabilia. During a power outage, the mayor was assassinated, rounds were fired, and the memorabilia was stolen.

[ JULY 15, 2017 ] — David Booth, mutant and victim of a suspected hate crime, passes away in the hospital after being attacked outside his apartment. 

[ JULY 16, 2017 ] — News Channel 7′s broadcast signal is hijacked by the Joker. Magneto makes a speech to all mutants in Star City, encouraging them to stand up and fight alongside him. Mass riots follow the speech.

[ JULY 17, 2017 ] — Malcolm Brown, mutant activist and lawyer, is shot to death minutes before giving a speech against a mutant registry. Demonstrations continue throughout the city and many arrests are made. The interim mayor declares martial law and the National Guard arrives. Protests grow more violent and teargas is deployed. The National Guard is eventually able to disperse rioters and take back control of the streets.

[ SEPTEMBER 21, 2017 ] — The interim mayor arranges a charity ball and a silent auction, where all proceeds will be donated to mutant rights, in order to quell recent tensions. Citizens are encouraged to adopt a peaceful approach to change. While the charity ball is a success, many attendees return home to find their homes destroyed with inhuman force and hateful, threatening messages telling them to leave the city.

[ JANUARY 19, 2018 ] — The villains take advantage of the city’s recent vulnerability by choosing one night to wreck havoc. The interim mayor has taken a decisive stand against mutants since the break-in and is assassinated - presumably by Magneto - in front of a crowd. Joker and Harley abduct dozens of school buses and hold Barbara Gordon hostage to lure Batman to them. Star City thieves, including Selina Kyle and Dani Moreno, end up taking hostages during a high stakes robbery, and Harvey Dent and June Moone’s highly publicized and glamorous wedding is interrupted by the literal walking dead. 

[ APRIL 18, 2018 ] — The seventh anniversary of the ban is celebrated in the historic Apollo Ballroom. When the new interim mayor declares the intention to move forward with a mandatory mutant/vigilante/metahuman registry, the protest outside intensifies. Just when it seems the situation has reached its peak, the ballroom doors slam shut and lock. Joker venom pours through the vents and the toxin takes effect. Some people become violent, others are unable to stop laughing, and the interim mayor is swiftly killed. Outside, Harley Quinn releases her hyenas and they attack. She is arrested, but Joker escapes. As people recover, Harvey Dent takes the stage and announces his candidacy for mayor, pledging to do what he can to stop the formation of a registry.

[ JULY 6, 2018 ] — There is a massive security breach at Star City Asylum and Tarasov Penitentiary, resulting in dozens of escaped prisoners. The newly formed Justice League and Teen Titans are the first to respond and contain the situation, but not before the escapees wreck havoc throughout the city. Despite efforts, some prisoners remain unaccounted for - most notably Harley Quinn and Jonny Frost.

[ SEPTEMBER 14, 2018 ] — While the most powerful mutants have left the city to eliminate a branch of HIVE, Star City has received a bomb threat. Evacuations are ordered immediately and citizens race to the bridge, not realizing that the bridge is the target. Casualties rise into the hundreds. 

[ OCTOBER 16, 2018 ] — The time has come for the city to choose its new mayor and Harvey Dent is the victor by a landslide.

[ NOVEMBER 13, 2018 ] — Newspaper offices, including the Gazette, are set on fire during business hours, leaving some trapped inside. The arsonists have not been found.

[ NOVEMBER 14, 2018 ] — Local mutant shelter and clinic is raided and there are four arrests, including mutants Josh Foley and Laura Kinney.

[ NOVEMBER 15, 2018 ] — Star City Children’s Hospitals that will not admit mutants report a mysterious illness rapidly spreading throughout the wards. That same day, the National Oversight and Validation Association (NOVA) is formed. The purpose of the organization is to oversee and validate all mutant, metahuman, hero and vigilante actions in the country through patrol groups.

[ NOVEMBER 16, 2018 ] — A curfew is established in Star City. Residents must be indoors by 10 PM unless proper documentation is provided for a resident to be out after 10.

OOC RULE: The admins will be watching threads to see which ones are taking place after curfew—make sure to label the time of day somewhere in your thread!—and we will use a randomizer to select a thread for the characters to get caught. Consequences after that will be plotted with the players!

[ NOVEMBER 22, 2018 ] — A blanket ban on weapons (including guns, knives, swords, batons, nunchucks, and others) has been imposed in Star City. The only people allowed to carry weapons are members of law enforcement.

OOC RULE: The admins will keep track of threads where a character is in possession of a weapon. Simply having the weapon will result in a single strike added to the character’s record. If the character uses the weapon, they get two. Once a character gets to ten strikes, the character gets caught.

[ NOVEMBER 25, 2018 ] — A city ordinance allows any business to refuse service to any mutant or metahuman at their discretion.

[ NOVEMBER 30, 2018 ] — Anyone can be stopped and searched without probably cause in Star City. All law enforcement officials now carry power-dampening devices.

[ DECEMBER 2, 2018 ] — A new law allows for wiretaps on normal citizens. All online and phone activity can be monitored.

OOC RULE: The admins will keep track of any phone threads on the dash. If the characters are speaking about something illegal in game, the characters get a strike. Once a character gets ten strikes, they get caught.

[ DECEMBER 5, 2018 ] — The printing of pro-mutant, -metahuman, -vigilante or -hero materials is strictly forbidden.

[ DECEMBER 12, 2018 ] — NOVA agents have been authorized to use deadly force against anyone who resists.

[ DECEMBER 15, 2018 ] — Leaving the Star City limits requires special permission. Road blocks have been set up at the main points of egress.

OOC RULE: There are a number of secret ways to get out of Star City, but many of these are monitored. Any threads the admins see with characters leaving the city limits could potentially result in those characters being caught.

[ DECEMBER 20, 2018 ] — Mutants and metahumans are required to relocate to appropriate neighborhoods. Any powered individual found residing outside of these neighborhoods will be fined heavily and potentially arrested unless they find suitable arrangements.

[ DECEMBER 25, 2018 ] — Starting on January 1st, there is a mandatory broadcast by the president every night at 6 pm. Residents are expected to watch. After this broadcast every night, all TV channels and streaming services are shut down for the night.

[ JANUARY 1, 2019 ] — In-game date at the time of this posting. NOTE: Star City HQ is set in real time.

#starccountdown #starcevent #starcadmin #starcstarter #starcstartercall #[ save ]

[borisbubbles]

16. SERBIA

Balkanika - “Nova Deca” 19th place

Out of all the positive morphs I experienced this year, Serbia was the one that I suspected the least. I never hated them the way others did, but eh, I didn’t think highly of them either. Especially when the backstage clips showed them enterting the stage dressed up like members of some inauspicious fertility cult. “Oh.” I thought. “Another Genealogy. Except it won’t make the final. Whatever, NEXT”

How wrong I was though, because it did qualify and caused me to re-evaluate all I knew about life and come to the fucking conclusion that... this is really fucking good??? HOW is an exaggerated mess that has accurately been described as “Balkan Megamix Volume 3″ this great? 

I actually don’t have a clear answer for this as i’m writing this down (we haven’t reached the songs I would spam the replay button on yet), but the core of it is that Balkanika tried REALLY hard to condense 900+ years worth of Balkanic musical tradition in a mere three minutes and fucking pulled it off by... striking battle poses like some Ethno-Power Rangers

GO GO BALKAN RANGERS!!!

The choreography as a whole is just so extra and beautifully overacted. The entire way through, the members of Balkanika strike poses as if in Madonna’s “Vogue”, guided on by the beguiling tunes conjured by Ljubomir’s magic whistle-wand [ed.: here’s the best gif i could make of Old Rasflutin’s background flailing, but it’s way funnier if you pay attention to his presence as you watch “Nova Deca” unfold, so SCROLL UP AND REWATCH RIGHT NAO!!!]:   

Such a beautiful presence we’re not worthy of, y’all. All while the rest of Balkanika are either serving some epic 90 Percussion realness:

or chanelling some Project: Waters of Life sillyness

This could have so easily turned into a San Marinese goopy mess (which I don’t think too highly of, as you know), and briefly it looked like this would be the case; Instead, we found something better.

The plain answer however, lies in that Balkanika didn’t try to be funny and that makes a massive difference. Every piece of overacting, from Mladen’s creepy stares to Ra-Ra-Rasflutin (Serbia’s greatest love machine) prodding the action on from the background, is the product of intense belief and dedication, which... makes it hysterical, but in an endearing sort of way. Balkanika really just can’t help themselves. <3 

However, as I have to take things into account other than just act, I can’t really drag Balkanika much higher than this. Their song, while cool in concept, is kinda a bit too overloaded with quirks, which are largely lost to me because you know, show-stopping staging. (lol I just realized this is such a reverse “O jardim”, how neat they will now be forever ranked next to one another in this ranking). “Nova Deca” also suffers from the fact that I already had a large slew of other faves before I started to love them. As a whole, I think they have the least to offer of those left in the ranking. Oh well, at least we’ll forever have this: 

<3

RANKING SO FAR:

16. Serbia (Balkanika - “Nova Deca”)

17. Portugal (Cláudia Pascoal - “O jardim”)

18. The Netherlands (Waylon - “Outlaw in ‘em”)

19. Ukraine (MÉLOVIN - “Under the ladder”)

20. Macedonia (Eye Cue - “Lost and Found”)

21. San Marino (Jessika ft. Jenifer Brening - “Who We Are”)

22. Sweden (Benjamin Ingrosso - “Dance You Off”)

23. Austria (Cesár Sampson - “Nobody but you”)

24. Latvia (Laura Rizzotto - “Funny girl”)

25. Azerbaijan (AISEL - “X my heart”)

26. Israel (Netta - “Toy”)

27. Norway (Alexander Rybak  - “That’s how you write a song”)

28. Montenegro (Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje”)

29. Armenia (Sevak Khanagyan - “Qami”)

30. Poland (Gromee ft. Lukas Meijer - “Light me up”)

31. Greece (Yianna Terzi - “Oniro mou”)

32. Georgia (Iriao - “For you”)

33. Belgium (Sennek - “A matter of time”)

34. Italy (Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro - “Non mi avete fatto niente)

35. Romania (The Humans - “Goodbye”)

36. Ireland (Ryan O'Shaughnessy - “Together”)

37. Croatia (Franka - “Crazy”)

38. Belarus (ALEKSEEV - “Forever”)

39. Russia (Julia Samoylova - “I Won’t Break”)

40. Spain (Amaia & Alfred - “Tu canción”)

41. Iceland (Ari Ólafsson - “Our choice”)

42. Australia (Jessica Mauboy - “We Got Love”)

43. Czech Republic (Mikolas Josef - “Lie to me”)

FOOTNOTES (optional)

1) I decided not to credit Sanja Ilic simply because he wasn’t on the stage and I feel it’s kinda unfair to credit him just based on his merit as a composer, while Isaura composed AND performed second fiddle to Cláudia, without a letter of on-screen credit. 

2) Re: Intentional vs Unintentional humour: The reason why intentional humour rarely works for me is that it comes with the built-in pressure to laugh, which... makes me less inclined to find something funny because it kinda takes away the choice element of it. Like, I think I have a fairly okay sense of humour, I can decide for myself what I find funny, you know? This is why intentional humour rarely works for me, while unintentional humour nearly always does. For reference, dial back to where I ranked Israel and Norway and Czechia and San Marino (or “Yodel it” and “Space” from last year), all acts that piggybacked on scripted humour

3) DoReDos are one of the few instances this year where intentional humour totally worked for me, although I also realize they’ve largely been hit-or-miss. But we won’t be discussing that soon.

4) Me being a history nerd, I also think the idea of “weaving a song out of literally every Serbian musical quirk ever” is a really cool song concept. It really comes close to an earnest, Balkanic version of “Swedish Smörgåsbord”  <3 5) “Nova Deca” is a way more accurate representation of what actual balkan music sounds like (as opposed to the tiresome, tedious, boring Balkan Ballad). The Folk music channels in Bulgaria, for instance play “Nova Deca”-esque songs all day.   6) A funny argument between my mom and I occured during this song. My mom, who is Bulgarian, argued that Balkanika plagiarized their song from Bulgarian Polyphonic Singing. When I pointed out the song was based on the Byzantine musical traditions, she claimed that the Byzantines stole them from the Bulgarians, which is historically implausible (see note 8). This is one of many reasons I think little of ethnocentrism and nationalism, especially from the Slavs and Greeks. Everyone accuses one another of cultural appropriation (see again: Macedoniagate), when in fact, their geographical proximity exposed them to similar cultural ideas and their geopolitics (warmongering) turned it into a mutually unintelligible wash. 

7) Besides, the entire point of the Balkans is that they support each other due to their cultural similarities in spite of wishing horrific, painful deaths on one another.  <3

8) HISTORY LESSONS WITH BORIS #1: Polyphonic Singing.  Polyphonic singing evolved as a Byzantine response to Roman Catholic liturgical chanting (instituted by Charlemagne, who as Holy Roman Emperor, took measures in making the religion more accessible to the common folk. How do we make the Bible popular? By teaching rich people how to read! What a genius. <3 ). Thus, polyphony spread as Byzantine Christianity spread, which would later become Eastern Orthodoxy after the East-West Schism in the 11th century AD. (hence why polyphony is such a big cultural benchmark all Eastern Orthodox nations, including Russia and Georgia, but not Armenia until their annexation by the Russian Empire in the 19th Century AD (since Armenian Christianity is a cadet branch of Oriental Orthodoxy, which split from Catholicism in the 4th century AD).  Anyway, Bulgaria historically played a massive role in spreading Christianity and its liturgical chanting to their pagan Balkan neighbours, after the Bulgarian Knyaz (a fancy way of saying “Khan”) Boris I converted under the pressure of Byzantine Emperor Michael III. Boris (whom, as you might have guessed, I was named after) used Christianity to pacify the squabbling lords of his realm (which included both pagans and Catholics) and oversaw the creation of the Glagolitic (liturgical) and Cyrrilic scripts to speed up the spread, paving the way for Bulgaria’s Golden Age under his son Simeon. During that Golden Age, btw, much of what is now Serbia came under Bulgarian control, including Belgrade.  So while the Serbs probably did learn polyphony from the Bulgarians, the Bulgarians absolutely, totally, learned it from the Byzantines, who invented the damn’ thing, in their own spin on Charlemagne’s popular church choirs. Mum, you’re WRONG. O:-)

#Eurovision #Eurovision Song Contest #Eurovision 2018 #Serbia #Balkanika #Sanja Ilic #Nova Deca