shittonofapples - Tumblr blog

shittonofapples · 15 days

Text

A week has passed since I locked away my heart.

I already feel lighter, with their memories no longer floating above my head like the ghosts of balloons which were popped long ago.

They are always with me.

My first girl, J, with her ivory black hair and her full eyes, her melodic voice and her tinkering chuckle.

My first love, P, with his wide smile and friendly face, his love for making everything a game and racing everywhere.

My first orgasm, A, with his long golden hair and piercings everywhere, his rock music and his slow way to talk.

My first coincidence, R, with his honey curls, green eyes and sweet smile, his taste so similar to mine and his everlasting way of critiquing everything in a film.

My first crush after finding myself, An, with her redish curly locks, her daring dark eyes and her hourglass figure... her devilish smirk, her love for chaos and for loving almost everything I love.

I carry them with me wherever I go, my beloved almosts and yet nevers, the people who took a piece of my heart with them and whom I wonder if they think of me once in a while. I wish for them the entirety of the happiness they desire, I wish for them to be fulfilled and healed and surrounded by love... I wished I could have been one of the people there to love them, and I wonder if in other universes I am. I wonder if its true, what is said in Spider-Man! If there are infinite versions of me and how many of those versions get to be by their sides.

This version, nevertheless, is... just here. Meeting people I love endlessly and losing them all the same. Destined to be alone.

Art by: @reindrawsapples on IG

#writer #writeblr #author #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #female writers #demisexuell #excerpt from a book i'll never write #authencity #writing ideas #creative writing #writing #spilled writing #writblr #writerscommunity #writerscorner #writers and poets

12 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 3 months

Text

To the girl whose inner universe is enough to make me question my sanity and my evitative attachment issues.

It took me a day, a single day, to install myself in your head and, hopefully someday, in your heart.

It took you a week for me to be so enthralled in your light I follow like a moth to a flame.

I am now so scared to lose you, when a month ago I didn't even fathom someone like you could exist.

Why, oh lovely universe, would you place her in front of me just when I had decided not to pursue anything with anyone anymore?

It feels like a bad joke, for me not being able to accept her when she is a dream in a meat suit.

A bad joke, for me to be about to see stars and feel the quiet of the universe in her eyes, but just decided to put away the telescope before that.

Art: Insta @reindrawsapples

1 note · View note

shittonofapples · 3 months

Text

And just like that, after two days of knowing you, I suddenly understand evitative attachment. I had been pursuing people with whom I knew I had no chance and whom I knew I would not form an attachment with, because I did not want my affections to be returned. Because I did not want to meet someone with whom life seemed lighter and sweeter, in fear of losing them. I am aware of all my shortcomings, which make me not ideal for anyone right now. I do not wish to hurt you, nor do I wish to be hurt. I know in my bones we do not fit, but my heart leaps with joy at the sight of your smiling lips. Could you blame me for wanting to get away when I so desire to be ever so close to you? Could you blame me, lovely doll, if I stopped what we started last night and resumed as we were?

It was true when they said it came if you stopped looking for it, but love, to me, seems like a trap. It seems sweet, lovely, funny and kind but I recognize it for the painful trap it truly is and for what it truly would be if I let it enter my weakened heart.

#writer #writeblr #author #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #female writers #apego evitativo #attachment issues #self worth #in love #i hate it #writing ideas #spilled ink #creative writing #excerpt from a message i'll never send #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #excerpt from a book i'll never write #lgbt art

3 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 7 months

Text

Dear Mr. Friend-Whom-I-Met-Two-Months-Ago:

Would you be so kind as to not like like me? I am afraid I am but a lowly ace peasant whose only interest at the moment is to achieve making monster noises and astound a producer in the street who will take me under his wing and put me in every monster project they have. I do not have the time, energy nor libido for a task like the one you offer, but you are still very much welcome to consider me a friend and hang out with me occasionally, please and thank you have a good weekend

Signed, your apple friend

P.D. Please be so kind as to return my brown beanie for it is not a cute "steal your partner's clothing" kind of relationship, but a Huzzah-Friend-You-Got-Rid-Of-Cavities! one.

#writer #writeblr #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #female writers #letter #literature #lol #lgbtq #life #sucks #help me or help him #i am also a lesbian #please

1 note · View note

shittonofapples · 7 months

Text

What do you mean you like me I thought we were having a laugh and joking around nonono I was not flirting that was being funny I was just saying dumb things at inappropriate times

#female writers #what is happening #please #do not like me #i am but a fool #do you not see that?????#i was being silly #dumb wh0re

1 note · View note

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

Coming to terms with being with myself, day 1:

The girl in the mirror is sweet and kind, she gives candy to strangers and listens patiently to the troubles others have been aching to tell.

She compliments people easily because she loves to see them bright up and because she sees beauty in everyone.

She has an explosion of green in her eyes and a lovely round nose.

She sees her own worth only when others tell her about it, but she is trying to change that. She is worthy because she is herself. I wished she could see that she can dedicate love songs to herself and that her, singing in the shower, is a melody of love. Self love.

I will spend more time getting to know her well, because maybe she is worth that time.

#writer #author #writeblr #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #adhd #aspiring poet #poetry #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #i hate fearing everyone will leave #self worth #self improvement #self love #self healing #healing #healingjourney #mental wellbeing #positive mental attitude #love yourself

12 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

Loneliness has been my natural state for so long, you'd think I'd be used to it by now

#writer #author #writeblr #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #adhd #aspiring poet #poetry #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #i hate fearing everyone will leave #lonesome #lonely #being alone #feeling alone

2 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

You would not mind so much if I was gone, but the thought of my beloved people forgetting me makes me want to rip my heart out.

You are going to LEAVE! So why... why cant I help clawing to keep you here? Why can't I stand the sight of your back in fear it will announce your departure????

Why can't I off myself instead and leave my memory as a good aftertaste instead of a gradual abandonment?

Artist: @reindrawsapples on IG

3 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

Fuck you for making me beg, but I would beg every single God out there if it meant i got to see the constellations in your eyes shine as you smile.

Artist: @reindrawsapples

3 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

I am drowning in the nothingness I am truly worth

#writer #author #writeblr #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #aspiring poet #poetry #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #i hate fearing everyone will leave

1 note · View note

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

Future is exciting and scary.

Future is a home, but yet uncertain if it's a modern apartment in the city or a cottage in the outskirts of a cozy little town.

Future is being loved, but we do not know if it will be by us, a partner, a family or the three.

Future is doing what you love, but for a living or as a hobby?

Future is growth, but ours or our regrets list?

Future is beauty, but inside our eyes or our mirrors? Both?

Future is what I cannot wait to see, and yet am terrified of it.

0 notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

I surround myself with people, as if they were a blanket, because I can't find warmth by myself.

#writer #author #writeblr #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #aspiring poet #poetry #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #i hate fearing everyone will leave #adhd #lonesome #lonely #pen and ink #my thougts #spilled thoughts #female writers #authencity #writers and poets #i may have a problem

15 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

My beloved almost,

You and I will never be

Maybe if I'd learnt to trust

Or if I wasn't so crazy.

Perhaps when we get another life

You could be my soulmate

But we aren't meant to strive

We are always a little too late.

I love you so bad

You weigh down this balloon head

And you are so rad

You manage to follow my thread

You rant about shows and movies

You hold all my pieces

And see them as rubies

And laugh with all my teases

Child-like encouragement

Sparkling eyes and laughter

Adult-like commitment

Not everything is a serious matter

We do not fit together

I carry an umbrella

For the stormy weather

And you wear shorts

I dream up at the stars

At the sun, at the clouds

And you browse on Instagram

For you social media is so loud

You worry about tomorrow so much

Whether or not you'll be on top

Today is all I can bare to touch

The worry off the floor I must mop

We gotta force it to fit

We wanna be with each other

Together dark seems lit

Loneliness is filled up with chatter

I'm sorry we aren't for each other

Life without you tasted so somber

I want you to be my forever lover

Life is filled with almosts, says my mother

Just dont worry too much...

#writer #author #writeblr #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #adhd #aspiring poet #poetry #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #i hate fearing everyone will leave #my almost #love #lonesome #i love him #love notes to no one #i love you #female writers #i may have a problem #prose

2 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

Your heart is a garden. I stroll around when I have the time and I get to admire the people you love in the center of the flowers you so carefully plant there. You water, sing to and fertilise each of them with a gentle, green thumb and, yet, you let them grow so wildly... so much, in fact, that your own heart is getting increasingly buried under roots, stems and leaves. There's no space for you. There aren't any limits for the wild flowers.

Why won't you take care of your love as much as your love for them? Why won't you sing to your earthy self and give it the same care?

#writer #author #writeblr #writers on tumblr #excerpts from my heart #aspiring poet #garden #forest #flowers #poetry #poem #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #i hate fearing everyone will leave #lonely #love

4 notes · View notes

shittonofapples · 1 year

Text

I love my friends so much, my happy ending could only be so if it was alongside theirs.

#writer #author #writeblr #writers on tumblr #adhd #female writers #female friendship #friends #excerpts from my heart #golden girls

0 notes

shittonofapples · 2 years

Text

When I was a child, being called "gay" or a "lesbo" was like being branded with a hot metal. The girls would tell me I looked like a butch, like I like girls and I became obsessed with being petit, sweet, innocent and more... girl. It stung. Was it because I was not thin? Was it because I was the tallest? Was it because it was... bad?

Now, I've learnt and grown and realised that being a butch or lesbian or any member of the lgbt+ community is okay. Being who I am is okay.

Now, I don't mind being masculine or feminine, as long as I am okay with who I am.

Now, I like being taller than the girl I like, because I can hold her while she falls asleep on my chest.

Now, when my friends say I am looking very "lesbian", I feel it as a hug. It is not a brand, but a compliment. It is us, accepting who we are and embracing it, loving it.

0 notes

shittonofapples · 2 years

Text

I hate crushing on my friends so hard. I mean... they're just so sO SO SOOO COOL AND PERFECT OMG GET ME OUT

#writer #author #writeblr #adhd #demisexuell #excerpts from my heart #could it be bc im demi #lgbtq community #living with adhd #writers on tumblr

1 note · View note