Amy: You ever have any regrets?
Boyle: Yes! Absolutely! Thank you for asking! I shall tell you all about them right now!
Holt: me and Kevin are having a kid.
Jake: OH MY GOD CONGRATULA-
Holt *slaming down adoption papers*: it’s you- just sign here
Captain Holt: Diaz, we’ve been instructed to attend a fashion show on Saturday to provide security. I want you on this project.
Rosa: Sorry sir, I’m going to have to decline.
Holt: But why? Surely looking at scantily clad female models would appease you?
Rosa: That is exactly the reason why sir, I would be unable to be professional.
Holt: Don’t tell me… You are, what the kids call, a panicked gay?
Amy (in the middle of a rant): he’s a stupid little know-nothing not-knower.
Gina: …you’re kind of a weird person, huh?
Jake holding a large box: Amy, what would you do if I came home with 4 dogs?
Amy: what’s in the box, Jake?
Amy, more forcefully: Jake, what’s in the box?
Jake and Holt on a case
Jake: *sees suspicious plant*
Jake: “oh wow this looks like stinging nettle but i’m not 100% sure… is this stinging nettle?”
Jake: *shoves entire hand onto said suspicious plant and grabs a large fistful of leaves*
Jake: *visibly disappointed* “awwwwh it’s not stinging nettle. I was wrong. Looks like i suck at identifying plants.”
Holt, having watched the entire scene unfold with intense horror: “hOW have your kept yourself aLIVE for thiS loNG?!?!”
holt: time to initiate operation boop
jake: awe that’s cute, what does it stand for?
holt: body odour over power
holt: *sprays jake with febreze*
Rosa: hey Jake what’s your favorite color
Jake: wait what was the question
Jake: if it paid well, I would catch cats in bags
Amy: I don’t think they got paid
Jake: okay fine, fun. I would do it for fun.
On the surface, you appear responsible, focused, and good. But underneath it all, we know you’re sinister.
Jake to Amy
jake: yesterday amy told me to grow up.
rosa: what did you say?
jake: i couldn’t say anything. i had 45 gummy bears in my mouth.
Gina: The only straight I am is straight up bitch
Charles: How fire resistant would you consider yourself to be?
Jake: Hold on, I’ll test it.
Jake, a few moments later: NOT VERY.
B99 characters as weird things I’ve heard
Jake: got ‘em. I English my speak
Amy: *trying to be cool* we good, we Gucci, we gang
Rosa: chemicals make explosions if you try hard enough
Terry: *gestures to Boyle eating a cut up apple* I see you cut up your fruit corpses before you eat them
Boyle: *distressed* theres no bread under this egg. The breads missing! Where did it go?
Holt: *eating an orange* this orange is almost as bitter as me
Hitchcock: can you milk an egg with a big snickers bar?
Scully: just de-fry a Mars bar
Gina: it’s not illegal if no one catches you
Kidnapper: I have your best friend
Jake: What? Doug is right here.
Kidnapper: Well then who’s the guy crying about “Never seeing a Peraltiago baby because he’s gonna die young”?
Jake: OH GOD THEY HAVE CHARLES
Boyle: Have you heard about garlic pizza crust?
Scully: Yeah! It’s like garlic bread inside pizza crust!
Boyle: That’s exactly what it is, Scully.
Jake: I love how we’re always on the same page
Holt: Same Page? We’re not reading the same book, we’re not even in the same library!