charcoallip

[charcoallip]

There are universes written about unrequited love, loss of life, broken dreams and even withered sunflowers.

But hardly anything is ever said about collateral damage.

When you love someone so much they eventually begin to heal.

From injuries both hidden and otherwise.

And how intensely do they heal, leaning on you while you stand as still as humanely possible for them.

Unwithered unaffected you stand, sun , snow and unrelenting rain.

There is sweat and blood pooling at your feet and there are some roaches too

But why would you be bothered? Someone's finally leaning on you.

You give your chest for a pillow, your arm for support while your legs be their blanket.

Bit by bit you give up everything and why wouldn't you?

At the end of their metamorphosis, you are in awe of their wings and how tall they've become. They take to the air, their flight oversizes the universe's own grandeur.

You can't believe your eyes, overtaken by joy you fail to realise your feet don't work and you can't walk, let alone fly.

And before you reach out to them in hopes they'd take them with you they're already shooting stars.

Blinded by their trail, you desperately flail your arms in hopes of grabbing something.

But all you catch is dust.

- shreeman natwarlal

#kill your darlings #original poem #my prose #spilled ink #grief #love #metamorphosis #men mental health #healing #chaotic academia #dark academia #about me #anxiety #anger #burdened #boop #tears of a clown

[charcoallip]

The world is full of men silently dreaming about ending their lives.

Almost all of them wake up and then move the world.

Building rockets, running governments , providing for families, creating art.

Almost as if everything is fine inside their heads.

#kill your darlings #original poem #my poem #spilled ink #grief #mental health #men mental health #mentally ill men #grieving men #stages of grief

[charcoallip]

I think it's in the nature of all things beautiful,

To wither wilt and die.

#wither #wilt #beauty #kill your darlings #hatred #original poem #my poem #spilled ink #stages of grief

[charcoallip]

My biggest regret you ask?

Holding every hand that came to me, their fingers intertwined with mine, hoping their fingers will stab me through flesh and bone and finally touch my soul

Drawing a million of their eyes on every parchment , paper, leaf that fell to me. Hoping every other pair would see me.

Kissing too many cold lips, with my hands on their hips, hoping they'd burn me like the sun.

What's your biggest regret?

#kill your darlings #original poem #hatred #my poem #original poetry #my prose #spilled ink #love #grief #anger #sympathetic deceit

[charcoallip]

Red Hue

It terrified me , to be seen.

So I picked up the broken pieces of my bathroom mirror and stuck it to my skin.

And everyone saw me for who they are.

Their red hued reflection.

#kill your darlings #original poem #hatred #my poem #shayari #original poetry #my prose #ink #spilled ink #love #grief #prose #red hood #no rest for the weary

[charcoallip]

aaj us ne has ke yuuñ pūchhā mizāj

umr bhar ke ranj-o-ġham yaad aa gae

- ehsan danish

#shayari #urdu poetry #adab #spilled ink #sorrow #urdu literature #urdupoetry

[charcoallip]

What do you do with all this grief?

That jolts you from sleep at 3 am like a bedbug infested mattress. At this time, you cannot swallow what you feel neither can you spit it out and it's there, like a lump of coal in your dry parched throat.

So you do what you know best. You weep , and ohh how you weep. Like a cloudburst in Amazon, intense and unforgiving. The tears take away whatever sight is left in those sleep deprived eyes of yours, in total disregard.

You and the universe go through the same grief in this night. The grief of never being heard. The grief of being all encompassing yet alone. Like right now, there are probably a billion suns violently dying and exploding in some quiet cold corner of the universe and right now your heart is pounding with the same intensity as you lay in a quiet cold corner of your room. Yet not a single soul has the faintest idea of it.

A billion suns dying and a soul weeping to death must certainly be a loud phenomenon but you're mistaken.

And you're also mistaken to feel close to the universe because of this shared tragedy

Because you've been wronged and you cannot shake this feeling of helplessness seeing that in the grand scheme of this lawless universe, their betrayal is nothing but insignificant.

Even though to you, what they did meant that you'd have to sear your chest so that it becomes tender and pull your heart out. Then with your heart in your hands you'd have to squeeze it, massage it, till it start beating again.

But even if it does beat, what do you do with a grief stricken heart?

- Shreeman Natwarlal

#kill your darlings #original poem #hatred #my poem #original poetry #my prose #what is grief if not love persevering #stages of grief #grief #exploding #suns #spilled ink #my heart

[charcoallip]

Sochun to saari ummr mohabbat me kat gai

Dekhun to ek shaqs bhi mera nahi hua

- Jaun Elia

#kill your darlings #hatred #the mortifying ordeal etc etc #jaun elia #shayari #urdu poetry #adab #aadha ishq #mohabbat #elia

[charcoallip]

عشق میں عین ممکن ہے سب کچھ

یہ بھی ممکن ہے کہ مُجھے تیری تمنا نہ رہے

In the realm of love, all things are wonderfully conceivable,

It's also possible that I no longer yearn for you.

[charcoallip]

And we say the same thing about haunted palaces and his poems of Palestine

Someone must've died here

Someone must've died here.

#kill your darlings #original poem #hatred #adab #original poetry #my prose #haunted #death #palestine #free palestine

[charcoallip]

Scent

11 days ago, I stopped seeking from you what I needed the most, because sitting on that hotel bed and opening that book of yours while you were in the bath tub I realized that you don't have it in you to give me what I need.

And so much time had passed by since last December when you left me in what used to be our home that I have grown so tired, so now, I neither have the energy nor the will to explain it to you even one more time of what I yearned from you.

I do not hate you and I still wish all my luck on you, but my weary heart wants to protect itself and allow me some much needed days of consistent sanity.

So I've made peace with not seeking from you what I wished the most when I opened that book of yours and found someone else's scent.

I realized that moment was the beginning of the downfall of our love which was once my strongest attribute.

You've shown me that falling out of love is as natural as falling in it

#kill your darlings #original poem #hatred #my poem #shayari #urdu poetry #original poetry #my prose #scent #falling in reverse #spilled ink #tokio hotel #no rest for the weary #for my own sanity

[charcoallip]

Raigaani

Me kamre me pichle ikattees dino se

Faqat is haqeekat ka nuksaan gin ne ke koshish me uljha hua hu

Ki tu Jaa chuki hai

Tujhe raigaani ka ratti barabar andaaza nahi hai

Tujhe yaad hai wo zamana

Jo campus ki pagdandiyo pe tahelte hue kat gaya tha

Tujhe yaad hai ki jab kadam chal rahe the

Ki ek pair tera tha aur ek mera

Kadam wo jo dharti pe awaaz dete

Ki jaise ho raaga koi mutreebo ka

Kadam jaise ke sa pa ga ma pa ga sa re

Wo table ki tirkhat pe

Tak dhinak dhin kadam chal rahe the

Kadam jo musalsal agar chal rahe the

To kitne gavaiyon ke ghar chal rahe ghe

Magar jis ghadi

Tune us raah ko mere tanha kadam ke hawale kiya

Un suron ki kahani wahi ruk gayi

Kitni fankariyaan , kitni baareekiyaan,

Kitni kaliyaan, bilaawal,

Gavaiyon ke hoton pe aane se pehle fanah ho gaye

Kitne Nusrat Fateh Ali, kitne Mehdi Hasan muntazir reh gaye

Ki hamare kadam sath phir se uthne lage

Tujhe maloom hai

Jis ghadi meri awaaz sun ke

Tu ek zaviye pe palat ke mudi thi, wahaan se

Relativity ka janaza utha tha

Ki us zaviye ki koshish me hi unaan ke falsafii

Sab zamano ki tartiib barbaad kr ke tujhe dekhne aa gaye the

Ki tere jhukaav ki tamsiil pe

Apni seedhi lakeero ko kham de sake

Apni akdi hui gardano ko liye apne waqton me laut sake

Geometry ko janm de sake

Aaj bhi kuch falsafii

Apne pheeke zamano se bhaage hue hai

Mere raaston pe aankh bichaye hue

Apni danist me yun khade hai ki jaise

Wo danish ka source yahi pe kahi hai

Magar mudd ke takne ko tu hi nahi hai

To kaise Florence ke tang galiyon me koi da Vinci uthe?

Kaise Spain me Picasso bane?

Unki aankho ko tu mayassar jo nahi hai

Ye sab ,

Tere mere ikhatte na hone ki keemat adaa kar rahe hai

Ki tere naa hone se har ek zama me

Har ek fann me, har ek daastaan me,

Koi ek chehra bhi taaza nahi hai

Tujhe raaigaani ka ratti barabar andaaza nahi hai

- Shoyeb Mugiraa

#hatred #spilled ink #urdu poetry #adab #grief #aches #kill your darlings #florence pugh #vain #wasteland

[charcoallip]

“But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian's daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?”

― Mark Twain

#mark twain #satan #sins #twain

[charcoallip]

When jaun Elia said :

"Ye Rona dhona kis baat ka

Jo kho gaya Hy Sath laye thy kiya "

#jaun elia #lost #urdu literature #urdu shayari #urdu stuff #desiblr #desi dark academia

[charcoallip]

"But I have nightmares"

It's a mid-day mid-week mid-life crisis today as I find myself unable to accomplish even the bare minimum. I question this lethargy as I indulge in dialogue within. My mind and heart both protest in unison as they reject the decisions my conscious self took over my teenage and adulthood.

"You don't have dreams" says my heart as it questions me why.

I say "but, I have nightmares" and my brain is swift enough to label it as an excuse before I gather myself to get up from bed.

Just as I ask myself what do I dream about, self doubt slithers around my neck and tightens it's noose and I wheeze out my last breath,

"But, I have nightmares"

- श्रीमान नटवरलाल

#kill your darlings #my prose #dark academia #spilled ink #nightmare #original nonsense #writers and poets

[charcoallip]

Fever

As I lie in my bed staring with glassy eyes at the world outside, a certain soul catches my eye and makes me think of you. It was the exact same posture, I think, or maybe the unruly head of straight hair, or maybe just the way she was swinging her hands rhythmically as she walked the street below.

Thinking becomes an onerous task with my head suddenly teeming with images of you.

Memories flicker in front of my eyes as they augment the stench of cigarettes in my breath.

I close my eyes and breathe in as long as I can. I utter your name acosted by a wheezing cough. Am I really that sick?

Nevermind, sickness I can handle. It's the silence that deafens me.

I don't think that I love you. No, not anymore atleast. Neither do I profess to have ever known love in it's most crude and unconditional form.

And how can I say so? Well of course with you gone, I'm not a miserable stinking pile of flesh who's drowning in its own sweat, tears and drool. Isn't that what humans do when they're used up? Especially lovers?

But I'm not even an epitome of resilience. Because I suffer. I do.

I suffer through the endless sex I have with women whose faces are clouds to me,

I suffer through the endless nights high on drugs. I suffer through my mindless wanders through the city.

But hark...

The suffering lies in my thoughts, even the ones with a frail association with you, the ones that often catch me at 3 am and later.

This is why I make such pathetic attempts at writing. Putting it all in drafts and folders gives me power over my thoughts.

The power to press delete.

Since the day I decided to show myself the exit door to your life, never once have I questioned my rights and wrongs.

Although I often catch myself pondering over how neither of us was enough alone. Maybe together we could've been more than enough in some alternate twisted universe. But that's an elaborate, far fetched comic book story. Let's not fantasize.

A warm loo hits my face and I feel the soaring temperature in me. The blisters on my skin appraise a much darker shade of red. More red than usual.Almost as red as the hickeys you'd leave on me

Is this the price? Then again, who am I to decide if I'm overpaying or otherwise.

Because I don't long for you now and I know you don't either. You're too self absorbed to allow your thoughts to wantonly wander, let alone towards me. Who knows, at this very moment, you might be obsessing over a new hobby or maybe sleeping in someone else's arms.

Anyway I'm not privy to what goes inside your skull

Frankly I don't mind. I might also be happy to know it's not me who's on your mind right now, because that would just burn away all my resilience.

As my breath becomes firey, I must say, in the high heat, all the uncertainty vaporises.

Why the stranger reminded me of you, now I maybe know. It wasn't the posture or the hair or the tiny hands, rather it was just my sorry conscience trying to justify my state.

I've seen plenty of such strangers, several receding backs fade into the crowd - a distant blur where there's nothing more left to look at. And yes, that's how I know.

That's how I know how not to keep waiting.

And that's what I plan on. Because I guess this time around, I won't be making circles on your thighs or ridicule you in jest or wash the sand off your feet.

This time, I'll just sleep till my fever wears off.

#kill your darlings #my prose #the mortifying ordeal etc etc #dark academia #fever dream #prose #writers on tumblr #softcore #light academia #fever #love

[charcoallip]

Heart beat

Last night as we lay still in the third quarter of the night, she rustled though the sheets and whispered in my ear "do you find it odd that we're here lying naked, yet I don't have a clue about what your heart feels like"

I put out my half aged cigarette and looked at her as I ran my fingers through her hair.

She took a moment , staring at me, as if one was waiting for an answer.

I smirked and looked outside the bedroom window all while playing with her ear lobe

It took a few minutes for her to give up and she put her head on my chest and drifted off to sleep. As if..

One was desperately trying to get hold of a heartbeat.

I wonder if she heard any.

Should I ask?

Then again, I also seem to enjoy not knowing

#kill your darlings #hatred #original poetry #my prose #dark academia #written #a literate passion