chronicmoonsunglow

[chronicmoonsunglow]

we experience life every single day, how is it that we are so disconnected from it? from the source...

#random thoughts

[chronicmoonsunglow]

hooooolaaaaaa my possibly non-existing tumblr communityyyyy!!! today, is a day of ENERGGGGGGGGGG. i don’t know if its because i took 2 antidepressants instead of 1 or the fact that im currently answering questions and comments on my insta about bipolar and other mental health issues today (something ive never done before) BUT i am up and up is GOOD. honestly i friggin miss it. i wanted to give up my anti-epileptics.... but if you see my earlier posts, you’ll know how that went for my long-ish hair now dead and gone hehe. anyway, i feel amazing and i hope it lingers. its fuuuun being w/ myself like this bcos everything is hilarious and I’M hilarious... to me anyway. haha, anyhow, thanks for being here and please by all means participate in the conversation, lets talk about our bs!

1,2,3 GO!

#mental health #bipolar diaries #bipolar disorder #mentalhealthawareness #bipolardisorderday #upbeatanxietylol #up up up #feelinggreat #hopetheresnocrash

[chronicmoonsunglow]

nunca entendi el tiempo... nunca entenderé — pierdo el contacto, con lo que es🌌🧿🦋....

#mental health #bipolar diaries #bipolar disorder #mentalhealthawareness #journal #spotify #feels #mood #nostalgia #la lune

[chronicmoonsunglow]

wanting to die all of a sudden. can somebody tell me how that sh*t works?

#fml #this is bs #i hate everything #nothingmakessense #thisispointless #frustrated #fuckbipolar #bipolar diaries #im sick of this #sick of everything

[chronicmoonsunglow]

this just made me cry. i guess it pushed a button. i didn’t get help when i most needed it. i had no idea what was happening. everything was confusing and extremely painful. existing was unbarable...

Facebook / Twitter / Ko-fi / Buy the book

[Drawing of a blue cup of coffee on a black background with a caption that says “Just because you didn’t get the help you needed doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it. You are, always have been, and always will be worthy of help.”]

#get help #bipolardisorder #undiagnosedtimes #fucking insane

[chronicmoonsunglow]

nostalgia.

#childhood songs #bipolar depression #mental health #bipolar diaries #bipolar disorder #mentalhealthawareness #diary #Spotify

[chronicmoonsunglow]

comission for a really nice girl. this is the last productive thing i did in 2020. felt good, it was also very stressful, since the energy to do it kinda came and went, by the time i had to print i was completely drained. haven’t even delivered physical copy. this was due December 26. im just so fucking tired all the time.

2021 so far has been very unproductive. this morning i woke up and i had no meds left. i had lost my wallet a few days ago and had been avoiding looking for it bcos of the big mess in my room. everything i’ve done since the 30th is watch tv and overeat. (i had an eating disorder or have i don’t know i haven’t addressed it in any of my therapies since i started 6 months ago) but its eating away at me atm. i am triggered everytime i shower and change clothes because im not fitting correctly in them, or at least i think im not, idk. eating and watching tv isnt helping.

this morning i realized how dependant i am and probably will forever be of my meds. it was annoying to find myself in that situation. i couldn’t risk an episode for being lazy. so i got up and searched for my wallet. sounds so small, but it felt sooooo heavy. i found it, ordered my meds, and went back to sleep. the panic i felt as i saw myself medicine-less was very unsetteling. what if i can’t pay for them in the future, what then? i dont know it felt weird. to not be able to just skip a day or two without getting all screwed up in the head. in the end i got them and i took them. and im still screwing myself up overthinking the fact that i NEED meds. what the hell. i just dont understand why. and also i dont understand why some people say happiness is a choice. i dont know which part of myself i must connect to in order to NOT need meds. is that shit even real? is it even possible, to somehow spiritually holistically cure or manage bipolar? i dont see that happening. this disorder is impregnated within me, do i have to change who i am and who i have been to not have it? thats bullshit. idk i guess i shouldnt have watched the netflix series spinning out. i hadnt been thinking about my disorder for a while now. but i was bored on friday looking for something to watch and i found that show. i watched it bcos it was about skating, which i love. and then to my surprise, there are two bipolar characters. and honestly it was SO triggering. not the fact that they were bipolar but people’s reactions to it. and also, the own character’s perception of the disorder. it was just all so wrong, and unhealthy and triggering as fuck. i think i’ve been kind of aaangry since i watched that. maybe thats why i feel uneasy. i found it unbelievable but people like the ones on that show actually do exist. people who call us crazy. and to call us that... i just find THAT crazy. absolutely crazy. anyway, i just needed to vent a little. its been a while since i’ve used my online diary. im sad theres nothing chronological or organized about this post, or even a point to it, or conclusion. but thats exactly how i feel right now. aaaaall over the fucking place. 🤷‍♀️

also my emotional support puppy has been unlearning her potty training because the other dogs in my house do whatever they want when they want where they want. so now she has adopted that all over my room. i wake up every day stepping on peee and smelling poop first thing in the morning. its been a disaster. she’s peeing on her own bed. and i understand shes only 3 months old, but she had it all mastered i swear. its only now shes acting rebellious. and i love her i do, but its heavyyyy to have to deal with that too. im already dealing with myself trying not to feel so frustrated all the time but she’s making that hard on me too. but i guess i’d rather have that than feel alone.

anyhow. thats it for now. i hope things do get better.

—MOONSUN

#bipolar diaries #bipolar depression #mental health #mentalhealthawareness #bipolar disorder #diary #journal #vent #emotional support dog #emotionalsupportbuddy #spinning out netflix #frustrated #always tired #heaviness #meds #holistichealing #aremedsnecessary?

[chronicmoonsunglow]

feelin’ fire🧚‍♀️🔥

#dance #nathypeluso #bipolar diaries #better #feelinguuuud #pink hair

[chronicmoonsunglow]

no words needed. i just wish this cloudiness would go away alreadyyyy... wtf am i even feeling rn?

#bipolar depression #mental health #bipolar disorder #bipolar diaries #mentalhealthawareness #diary #journal #vent #i'm tireeeeed #uuuuuuuugh #mood

[chronicmoonsunglow]

i used to be super uncomfortable in my own skin. still kinda am. i used to be stiff af in front of ppl (especially dance classes ive always loved to dance but found myself betraying myself for being so in my head all the time and not being able to just exploooode and express) im still working on coordination and focus. its hard to trust myself with “in the moment” stuff like dancing out a choreo you just learned and feel completely unsure of knowing it while dancing it. but trust me this is suuuuuch progress. i think dancing is helping me in so many ways.... felt the need to post. these days have been weird, im over the top happy most of the time and then boom i burst into tears for no reason. so many emotions i dont understand. anyway— super highlight last thursday.

#mental health #bipolar depression #bipolar diaries #bipolar disorder #mentalhealthawareness #diary #journal #dancing #learning

[chronicmoonsunglow]

bby NALA and I. i love her so much already. its only my third day knowing her. and its been hard u know puppies are.... puppies. but i cant even get angry at her. 🥺😍💗 im so inlove. 🤪🌟

#bbynala #puppy #puppylove #mental health #bipolar disorder #emotionalsupportbuddy

[chronicmoonsunglow]

all the way thru the tat i just thought “this is the last you’ll ever have to feel of this” it felt peaceful and meditative. it hurt, yes, but for the better. i feel like its closure. i don’t deserve pain, let alone cause it on myself. so yes. today was good. this is a tatt i won on a giveaway. i never win shit. so its crazy that this design caught my eye so much and actually won it! it was destiny. im super happy with it.

:))))

#mental health #bipolar depression #bipolar diaries #mentalhealthawareness #diary #journal #bipolardiaries #tattoo #selfharm #triggerpost #avoidiftriggering #closure #pain #in love #thanksuniverse #healing

[chronicmoonsunglow]

prrrrretty much.

[chronicmoonsunglow]

started the day out angry af. HATE being woken up and told to be productive. my sleep schedule is fucked up atm. but im not going to trade schedule and productivity with mood. i was doing great! and eventually would get my schedule straightened out. i had a plan, i had set today an earlier alarm than i had yesterday. i went to bed with an intention for today. i was going to get 8 hrs of sleep, wake up 10 45 not super late, but still kinda late and early at the same time. lots of time to do lots of stuff. but guess what i was woken up abruptly 1 hr and fourty minutes before that. making me feel completely pressured, disturbed and extremely irritable and useless. its like in my head i am oh yea i got this, tmrrw’s gonna be a great day. but people around me are like... nope, u don’t, get ur ass up and do something with ur day. i feel so uuuuuuuugh. its like i was smoothly tricking my brain but whyyyy did ppl that dont understand it get in the waaaaaay. telling me to do stuff and when to fucking do them, it shakes me uuuuuup. i DO NOT want to do shit today, now i want to sleep and not be bothered but if i do ill feel guilty and ill receive even more shit from ppl around me who want me to do good, and even more from me who wishes it weren’t so hard to get the fuck up. i was ready to enjoy all the things i set myself out to do yesterday. i was ready to wake up w a smile on my face and absolutely no rush. BUT NOOOO NOW THATS GONE.

maybe this doesn’t make sense. maybe it does. idk. this is how my brain usually works. defensive. agitaded. angry. and probably making little to no sense to people who rlly dont give a crap about what others around them think or expect from them. but i do and i hate it.

its whatever. energy wasted on nothing. me quiero moriiiiiiiiiiir.

#mental health #bipolar depression #bipolar diaries #bipolar disorder #mentalhealthawareness #diary #journal #vent #fuck off #i hate everything #this is bullshit #aaaaaaaaaaaa #sleep schedule #unproductive #always tired #i hate this #im so fucking angry

[chronicmoonsunglow]

49:49.39 minutes in this puzzle piece. i like it. looks like a PC monitor from one angle. its not right yet, but im getting the hang of it. never been a big fan of puzzles, but this one’s rlly cool. i feel a calming effect due to the focus. really quiets down my mind. its just me my hands, the piece and all the possibilities in it.

mood.

:)

[chronicmoonsunglow]

a little on today. super energetic— made lots of singing videos (its been what like 6 years since i just sat at home singing and recording random stuff). never stop doing things you love for the fun of it its sad to let your soul chip slowly into pieces. iv’e watched myself chip countless times over and over. it ain’t fun. hold on to the things that make you feel, things you do by will, for the sake of the thing itself. im no singer, but i suuuuure love how it feels to put every ounce of energy into a sweet exhale. into words. into meaning. also— i love billie :))

happy monday!

#mental health #bipolar depression #bipolar diaries #bipolar disorder #mentalhealthawareness #diary #journal #happymonday #singing #billie eilish #everything i wanted #power of will

[chronicmoonsunglow]

also. this song is so damn good. such a viiiiiiibe. maybe i should post my playlist on here— its waaaaay cooler than i am. so much of my identity is placed on what i listen to. it got better vibes than i do sometimes hihihi.

#burning #maggie rogers #coping #musictherapy #mental health #bipolar depression #bipolar diaries #bipolar disorder #mentalhealthawareness #diary #journal #vent #Spotify